


Angst Fics

by RensSaxophone



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-30
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 23:27:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 68
Words: 420,754
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20825573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RensSaxophone/pseuds/RensSaxophone
Summary: Angst one shots





	1. Chapter 1

Tokiya has known his entire life that he needs to be better than he is. There wasn’t an aspect of his life that didn’t need to improve. 

He’s been told that he’s attractive, but not overly so. Especially compared to his current bandmates- he isn’t as cute as Otoya, or as handsome as Ren, or as pretty as Masato. Tokiya had been told that he was plain, compared. He almost blended in. 

Tokiya’s intelligence was an issue. It wasn’t that he wasn’t smart, but he often had issues with common sense. He’d do things, or worry about things that he shouldn’t, because he misses part of the big picture. Things that seem so obvious once they’re pointed out. They’re pointed out to him quite often, too. 

His voice. It may be good, but it still isn’t good enough. He needs to constantly train it, and take care of it. Tokiya’s voice is fragile, and it doesn’t take much to strain it. It’s why he typically speaks quieter when he isn’t on stage. 

The list never seems to end, but the one that bothers him the most is his personality. He very well knows how much trouble he is. Sometimes he can still see the damage he’s done in the expressions of his bandmates, back from his Hayato days. Not to mention that he was awkward and cold. Sometimes he wonders if he should have continued as the happy, charming Hayato instead of the quiet, calculating Tokiya. He’s positive that Hayato was liked better. Not to mention his habit of hiding things. But he hated the disappointed looks he got when he didn’t. Not to mention that he liked to keep them at a distance. ...Liked wasn’t the right word. It hurt, almost physically, when he lied to his bandmates, and kept them arms length away, but he supposed it was a lot easier to get away with things when didn’t have close friends. 

He wasn’t sure what the others considered Tokiya, but there was an undeniable distance between them that everyone seemed too afraid to break. When Tokiya shoots down conversation, they don’t push to pick it up. He’s never been interrupted from his books, even if the conversation gets rowdier. 

It isn’t that he doesn’t want to get closer to them, or that he doesn’t want to be involved, it’s that he can’t seem to involve himself, and they seem to have given up on him. So he’s resigned himself to sitting in the background of the group and watching the others have fun together. 

Then the love rule was lifted. Tokiya didn’t actually think anything would change. 

Things moved quickly. It started when STARISH’s Seniors, Quartet Night, started interacting with STARISH more. Tokiya looked up to them, particularly Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru was strong, and he was honest. He put himself into situations and he blended in so well, with such little effort. When they’d eat in the cafeteria, Tokiya could hear Ranmaru’s loud voice from the end of the table, even with the silver haired Senior sitting on the opposite side. 

Tokiya thought the attention had been one sided, but then one afternoon Ranmaru sat himself down on the end of the table where Tokiya sat. 

“I would’ve thought you’d be more chatty.” Ranmaru would comment gruffly, taking a bite from his burger, looking right at Tokiya. 

“Do I?” Tokiya sounds almost aloof. He raises an eyebrow. He doesn’t have a tray in front of him. He very rarely did. Tokiya ate enough to have the energy that he needed for all of his rehearsals, and he didn’t eat anything above it. 

His trainer, kept from his days as Hayato, told Tokiya that the training and exercise works better if Tokiya doesn’t go above exactly what he needed. Tokiya would nod and listen.

Ranmaru’s eyes glance to the empty table in front of Tokiya. He doesn’t say anything. Tokiya can’t tell what he’s thinking. “Guess not.”

Ranmaru’s quiet that lunch. He responds if someone further down the table talks to him, but otherwise just sits across from Tokiya and eats. 

Tokiya is surprised when Ranmaru sits across from him again the next day.

It’s very slow. It’s over a span of at least three months, but the conversations start slowly, and increase from there. Tokiya hasn’t gotten much closer to anyone else in either band, but he had Ranmaru had certainly gotten close. 

On days where neither had an obligation, they’d sometimes spend time in the other’s apartment. When they’d hang out in Ranmaru’s, he’d sometimes play his bass with Tokiya listening attentively. Recently, Ranmaru’s started bringing his bass to Tokiya’s apartment. 

One visit, Ranmaru would be on Tokiya’s couch, his bass resting in his lap, Tokiya curled up on a chair near the couch. 

“I know you play a few instruments. Is the bass one of them?”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I’ve played the guitar a few times, but I’ve never played a bass.”

“Do you want to learn?” Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises.

Tokiya pauses for a second longer than a normal pause. Was Ranmaru really offering to teach him to play? “I’m always open to learning a new instrument.”

Ranmaru jerks his head towards the couch, gesturing Tokiya to come sit by him. Tokiya does. 

“So when I hand her to you, you’re going to want to put one hand on her neck, and you can rest the other here, under the strings, and just hold her up in your lap.” 

Tokiya feels warm and happy as Ranmaru passes his bass to Tokiya. Tokiya is gentle and attentive. He could hardly believe that Ranmaru was teaching him to play, let alone teaching Tokiya with his own bass. He knew just how loved this instrument was by the rocker- in fact, Tokiya knew that Ranmaru didn’t bring it to practice. He played it on stage, but only if he knew that no one else would be handling… her. Tokiya held it just like Ranmaru told him too. 

Ranmaru would point out the strings, and instead of teaching Tokiya a simple song, Ranmaru chose to teach Tokiya a few chords from some of his own songs. They’d spend at least an hour, close to two, sitting on Tokiya’s couch playing the bass. Eventually Ranmaru would have to leave, but that wouldn’t be the last session they’d have. 

It would go from purely platonic, to a phase of friendly flirting. The flirting wouldn’t stay friendly for long, and in what feels like no time, Tokiya and Ranmaru had been pressed together in a bathroom stall, lip locked. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure where it would go from there. He was worried. He could only think of four ways this could go.

Ranmaru had experimented, and it hadn’t gone anywhere. Tokiya wasn’t what Ranmaru thought he was, and Ranmaru’s disappointed and moved on. They hang out less, Tokiya isn’t completely ignored by Ranmaru, but he’s far less interesting now that Ranmaru’s lost any spark he’s seen. This is Tokiya’s least favorite. He hates the thought of losing what he and Ranmaru had built up.

Ranmaru decides that there is no romantic spark. They stay friends, but it never goes any further than that. Tokiya thinks that this one is the most likely. But as long as Ranmaru stays in his life, he’s happy. 

The third is that this was Ranmaru’s plan from the start. To have a physical relationship with Tokiya. Tokiya doesn’t believe this one. If Ranmaru wanted a physical relationship, Tokiya was one of the worst options Ranmaru could have gone with. Tokiya was inexperienced, average, and he found it hard to believe that he was Ranmaru’s type. Not to mention that the thought wasn’t Tokiya’s favorite. He’d go with it. It was Ranmaru. He’d go with anything if it included him. But he’d feel used. Maybe it wasn’t fair, but he wouldn’t be able to avoid it.

The last option is the one that actually happens. The one that Tokiya would barely dwell on because he wouldn’t believe that it could happen. Ranmaru did have actual feelings for Tokiya, and Ranmaru actually liked this situation. The spark was there, and it was bright. Their relationship would go from close friends to something more. 

They’d turn it into a steady relationship. 

By the time they’ve known each other for a year, they’re living together. 

There were a few things that Ranmaru had learned about Tokiya. 

There was a set time every night, eight PM sharp, Tokiya would sit in his chair and spend an hour on his laptop. Ranmaru would notice that it’s always social media. 

Tokiya would wake up early, and go to bed late. He’d often leave before breakfast and return just before dinner. Ranmaru also hadn’t ever seen him eat lunch. 

There would be days when Tokiya would always be busy. Where Ranmaru wouldn’t see him until he’d come home at eight to look at his laptop. On those days he’d spend longer on it. 

Ranmaru had been coming up with a way to get Tokiya to talk to him for a while, but it didn’t come naturally to him. Unfortunately, Tokiya gave him the opportunity he needed not long after. 

Ranmaru had a headache. He was headed towards Tokiya’s apartment, Tokiya had asked that they share his apartment and Ranmaru didn’t really mind. He hadn’t had any intentions of staying, as it was the middle of the afternoon. He was just going to grab some aspirin and then meet up with everyone else for lunch, but when he reached Tokiya’s apartment he was certain he heard crying. He’d open the door, a concerned look on his face. 

“Tokiya?” 

Tokiya’s curled up on his bed, full on sobbing. It was ugly, Tokiya knew, just like he was. Inside and out. Tokiya sits up quickly when he hears the door open, rubbing at his eyes, hiccuping uncontrollably as he tries to get himself together. He’s moving off of the bed, trying to be quiet, his back facing the door. He begins to head towards the bathroom when he hears the door closing, but Ranmaru’s quicker than he is. 

Ranmaru’s hands land on Tokiya’s arms, gently holding him back. Ranmaru had never seen Tokiya cry. Tokiya was usually so careful. His relationship was just as fake as he was. He hoped this wouldn’t ruin it. 

Ranmaru pulls Tokiya closer to him, and Tokiya gives in, letting Ranmaru’s arms wrap around his chest. Ranmaru’s head moves to look at Tokiya’s face, which is red and slick with tears. Ranmaru’s eyebrows are furrowed. “Tokiya, what happened?”

Tokiya feels small. Curls in on himself as much as he can, like the child that he is. Ranmaru’s arms tighten around him. 

“I’m not doing well enough.” Tokiya says quietly, his voice defeated. 

“What do you mean?” Tokiya can hear the frown in Ranmaru’s voice, and Tokiya just shakes his head. 

“You have to be able to see it.” Tokiya’s voice is bitter. He normally tried to keep himself together in front of Ranmaru, but he couldn’t keep up the act right now. 

He had never actually expressed all of these thoughts to anyone. It was selfish, and he knew he was a horrible, selfish person- but he also was convinced that everyone else saw what he already knew. 

When you were fake, and off, and unlikable, everyone had to already know. Tokiya couldn’t understand why Ranmaru was interested in him, but he was selfish, and he wanted to keep it. Even though he often felt like it was fake. There was a part of him expecting cameras to come out, to reveal that this was all just a prank. 

Tokiya brings a hand up to roughly rub at his eyes, the tears have started up again. “I have so much I need to do better, and all I can seem to manage is to keep getting worse.”

“C’mon Tokiya, let’s go sit down and talk about this, okay?” Ranmaru releases Tokiya, but grabs his wrist as he pulls away. 

Tokiya’s self-destructive instincts kick in and he pulls his wrist away. His posture is small and closed off, and he still won’t look at Ranmaru. “No.” His voice cracks, and he shakes his head. “No. Just.” Tokiya puts his hands over his face, pressing his fingers against his eyelids. “You should leave. I can handle this by myself.”

Ranmaru walks closer. Tokiya lowers his hands to look at Ranmaru, and Ranmaru takes Tokiya’s chin between his index finger and thumb, forcing Tokiya to look at him. “Is that really what you want me to do?” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. Tokiya can’t tell what he’s thinking.

“I- I don’t know, Ranmaru.” Tokiya’s eyebrows are furrowed, his face drawn in to the point where it’s almost painful. He closes his eyes tightly as Ranmaru lets go of Tokiya’s chin. “No, I don’t.” Tokiya says, maybe a bit too quickly as he opens his eyes. Ranmaru hadn’t moved. 

“Then talk to me, Toki. Did something happen today?” Ranmaru reaches out again, grabbing Tokiya’s hand. Tokiya lets Ranmaru lead him to the couch. Ranmaru sits next to Tokiya, keeping his eyes on Tokiya’s face. Tokiya’s looking forward. Ranmaru’s headache is nearly forgotten. 

“I had a meeting with my trainer today. I guess I’ve gained more weight than I should have.” Tokiya’s shoulders slumped. It was his fault. He had been careless with dinners, not as focused as he should have been. It was harder, because Ranmaru often made dinners, and Tokiya was more relaxed with his limit. But with the new cut in his calories, he’d have to cut down his breakfast.

Something about this topic seems to spark something in Ranmaru. “Tokiya, did your trainer give you a plan sheet or something?” Tokiya would nod. “Can I see it?” 

Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, but he stands. He walks to the desk in the room, opening a door and retrieving a folder. He hesitates when he realizes that his weight is marked on the paper, but Ranmaru has followed him over and is reaching for the folder. 

Ranmaru opens it, taking out the most recent paper. The only response he gives as he reads through it is a frown, though his expression gradually becomes angrier. Tokiya can notice Ranmaru’s grip on the folder getting tighter as he gets more agitated. 

“This is fucking ridiculous.” Ranmaru says. He isn’t yelling, but his voice is louder. Tokiya winces. Maybe he shouldn’t have shown Ranmaru the chart. Tokiya wonders if he’s disappointed over the weight, too. Ranmaru looks at some of the older ones, spending less time on them, before going back to the most current, and looking at Tokiya. 

“We’re getting you a new trainer.” Ranmaru shuts the folder with a scowl. Tokiya is taken aback. 

“What?”

“I don’t know exactly what your charts should look like, but the point isn’t to just look healthy. You need to be healthy, too. It’s obvious that you aren’t eating enough, and that you’re exercising too much. Not to mention how fucked your sleep schedule is.” Ranmaru sets down the folder, his expression extremely serious. “Don’t follow this.”

“Ranmaru-”

“No. I’m not arguing about this. I’m meeting with my trainer tomorrow and you can come with me until you find another one. Even if it’s just so that he can tell you just how messed up this is.” Ranmaru taps the folder. “We’re going to work to fix this. But we can do that later- that’s not all there is to this, is it?” 

Ranmaru seems less angry. Tokiya shakes his head, no. Ranmaru starts to head back to the couch, Tokiya hesitates for a second, but follows when Ranmaru glances back at him. 

Tokiya sits on the couch, pulling his legs up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. Ranmaru watches him intently. 

Tokiya stays silent for a moment, and then sighs, closing his eyes and resting his forehead on his knees. He sounds tired. “I just want to be good enough and I’m never going to be. I’m never going to be a good idol, or person, or boyfriend.” He gives a sad, pathetic laugh. 

“And why do you think you aren’t?” Ranmaru’s voice is flat, and Tokiya can’t pick out any emotion. Ranmaru was as hard to read as ever.

“I’m constantly reminded.” Tokiya keeps his eyes closed. “My trainer reminds me that I’m not where I should be. The fans remind me that I remind them of Hayato, but worse. That I’m the least exciting member of the band. And you.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “You, for whatever reason, don’t treat me like I’m something dirty and broken, and it makes me realize that I don’t treat you nearly that well.”

Ranmaru is silent for a moment. When he talks, he speaks slowly. “Tokiya. When you’re on your computer at night, what are you looking at?” Ranmaru seems like he already knows Tokiya’s answer, but Tokiya gives it anyways. 

“Twitter, mostly. I read comments.”

“But I’m guessing you only read the bad ones.”

“Most of them are bad ones.”

Ranmaru doesn’t believe him. Tokiya can tell.

“Why do you even listen to them? You shouldn’t let anyone else tell you what you feel about yourself.”

“Well I feel like I’m not good enough.” Tokiya answers curtly. “It isn’t as if they’re telling me anything I don’t already know. They only back up what I already think.” Ranmaru frowns, and opens his mouth to say something but Tokiya cuts him off. “Maybe this was a mistake to talk about. We’re dating. Of course you’d argue with me on this.”

“Is that really what you believe? That I’m telling you you’re wrong because I’m your boyfriend?”

“Of course.”

“Do I seem like the type of person who would waste their time with someone I don’t think is good enough?”

“I’ve never been able to see inside your head, Ranmaru.” Tokiya says softly. “I don’t think I’d know.”

“You’re lying to both of us on that one.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “You know me better than you think you do.”

“If I knew you that well, I’d know why you’re wasting your time with me. Was it a bet? A challenge? Did you want to prove that you could?” Tokiya tilts his head, opening his eyes to watch Ranmaru’s face. Ranmaru’s eyes are narrowed, meeting Tokiya’s with an angry look. 

“Do you really think that low of me?”

“Then give me a reason.”

“Maybe it’s because I fucking love you?”

“Now who’s the liar?”

“Jesus, Tokiya, why would you think I’m lying about that?”

Tokiya smiles softly. “Because I know for a fact that I am unlovable.” He looks away after he says that, and he misses Ranmaru’s expression. 

Ranmaru’s incredibly taken aback. He looks almost lost after hearing Tokiya’s response. “You’re wrong.” He says numbly, when he can speak again. “You’re wrong about a lot of things, but you’ve never been this fucking wrong in your life, Ichinose.” 

Tokiya looks back at Ranmaru when he hears his last name. He’s taken aback by Ranmaru’s expression. He can’t think of a better word than ‘blazing’. He can’t remember the last time he’s seen Ranmaru so livid. His voice has started to match, as well. 

“I don’t agree with a single fucking thing you’ve said to me all afternoon, but it’s all stuff that we can work on. This? You thinking that you’re unlovable? I’m not letting this one go.” Tokiya can feel his heart race when Ranmaru sets his hands on Tokiya’s cheeks. The touch is so gentle, so off putting from the anger emitting from Ranmaru. “I don’t care why you believe it. If you’ve convinced yourself or god forbid someone else convinced you. It isn’t true in the fucking slightest. If you only listen to me one time in your goddamn life, listen to me right now Tokiya Ichinose. You are the furthest fucking thing from unloveable. You’re stubborn in the worst kind of way, and your own thoughts are holding you back from being as perfect as you could be- but just because you’re a little cracked doesn’t mean you’re totally broken. I love you, Tokiya. I fucking adore you. If I wasn’t completely, utterly, in love with you, I wouldn’t be here, sitting on this couch, telling you this. You know me well enough to know that I don’t know how to handle any of this. But if I can do anything to stop you from feeling like this, I’ll fuckin’ figure it out because you’re important to me and I’m not going to give up on anything that means this much. If I have to wake up every morning tellin’ you that I love you and that you’re fucking perfect, I’ll do it, every single goddamn day until you finally start to believe it.”

Tokiya doesn’t know when the sobbing started, but it isn’t going to stop. Despite Tokiya being a mess, Ranmaru leans forward and places a short, hard, passionate kiss on Tokiya’s lips before pulling back to wrap his arms around Tokiya, pressing the shaking man against his chest. 

“I don’t have any idea what I’m doing.” Ranmaru mumbles. “But for you, I’m going to figure it out.”

Tokiya’s sobbing gets harder, violent hiccups interrupting the sobs. Ranmaru’s shirt is a mess, but he just stays there, holding Tokiya. 

Tokiya wasn’t alright. But now that Ranmaru knew he planned to change things. He knew it wasn’t going to be quick or easy, but if he could help Tokiya, he’d do it for the rest of his fuckin’ life. 

Despite it still being the middle of the afternoon, they both fell asleep on the couch, Ranmaru still holding Tokiya in a tight embrace.

The next day Tokiya visited Ranmaru’s trainer- and when eight rolls around, Tokiya wasn’t on his laptop. It was a start.


	2. Chapter 2 (Ren x Ranmaru)

At first, they both thought it was just a cold. A passing sickness. Ranmaru had gotten dizzy, and he’d woken up two days in a row with a migraine. The nausea came next. Ranmaru had trouble getting out of bed, and Ren took a few days off himself to stay home and take care of him. Ranmaru seemed warm, and Ren made it his duty to make sure that Ranmaru had a fresh cool cloth on his forehead every time the last one would dry up. The muscle cramps would come next. Ranmaru would shift an inch in bed, and he’d suddenly tense up, his face pained. Ren had gotten good at figuring what part had cramped up, gently massaging it until Ranmaru’s face relaxed. Then came the hot and cold flashes. Ren would walk in to the blankets on the floor, Ranmaru spread across the bed, panting, and come back in a few minutes later to Ranmaru curled in on himself, shivering. Ren would start waiting during the moments where Ranmaru would sweat and pant, so that he could drape the blanket back over Ranmaru when the shivers would start. 

Ren refused to show how worried he was. Whether he was in the room, or he wasn’t, he could only seem to worry about Ranmaru. He couldn’t imagine what was wrong with him. 

A week passes. Ren has no choice but to go back to work, though he comes home during breaks and directly after work, immediately returning to his nurse duties. He sends people to check on Ranmaru during the day, despite Ranmaru’s feeble protests. Ren’s been taking Ranmaru’s protests with a grain of salt- at least when it comes to taking care of him. Ranmaru tries to insist that Ren focus on himself, but Ranmaru’s been so physically weak he’s barely been able to stand, and Ren brushes off his complaints. The side effects haven’t changed, but they seem to have worsened, and Ranmaru seems miserable.

After a month of this, Ren is desperate. Ranmaru’s been to multiple doctors, and Ren’s tried every resource he could think of. Nothing helped. Ranmaru is suffering, and it’s painfully obvious even to Ranmaru himself. Ranmaru has stopped fighting Ren as often when Ren worries over him. 

Natsuki approaches Ren one afternoon, looking unusually serious for Natsuki.

“Ren?”

“What’s up, Shinomi?”

All the boys in STARISH and Quartet Night knew of Ranmaru’s condition. Not everything about it- but it was easy to tell that it wasn’t good by how Ren looked. He always seemed tired, and worried. There were dark circles under his eyes, and it seemed like it took more effort for him to smile. His bandmates were starting to worry about him, too.

“I have something I think can help.” Natsuki’s eyebrows are furrowed, and he seems almost pained. He puts something in Ren’s hand- a piece of plastic and foil with a pill in the center. “This pill will help Ranmaru, but-”

Natsuki looks sad. Ren looks confused, but there’s poorly concealed hope, too. 

“...It’ll work. And he’ll start feeling better. He just… won’t look at you the same way.”

“Shinomi, what do you mean?”

“The same thing happened to me, a very long time ago.” Natsuki’s voice is distant. “The pill helped her, but it made her hate me.” His voice is a whisper. He’s speaking in normal sentences, but the emotion in his voice is thick. “It’s a hard decision. But I wanted to tell you that you had it.” He gives a soft, pained smile. Ren is speechless. 

Natsuki reaches out, squeezing Ren’s shoulder, and he walks to where the rest of the group is waiting. Ren stares at the pill in his hands silently. He had no reason to doubt Natsuki, but it sounded so unrealistic. But if it were true… Ren could understand Natsuki’s attitude towards it all too well. 

“Rea-” Ranmaru’s interrupted by a harsh coughing fit. “Really?” He doesn’t look amused, taking a drink from his cup of water. “Do you believe that?” Ranmaru clearly doesn’t believe Ren’s story about what the pill could do.

“I don’t know.” Ren says quietly. “But you’ve been sick for so long.” Ren reaches out to set his hand on Ranmaru’s cheek. “I’m running out of ideas. And Natsuki seemed so sincere about it.”

“Well.” Ranmaru sighs, putting a hand over Ren’s. Ranmaru’s face is paper white and sunken in, deep circles under his eyes despite all of sleep he’s been forced to get. He’s lost a decent amount of weight, and he looks unhealthy. It’s enough to send pangs of pain through Ren’s chest. He would never want Ranmaru to hate him, but it isn’t a choice for him anymore. One look at Ranmaru leads him to the conclusion that he’d rather have Ranmaru hate him but to be better. “Whether it works or not doesn’t matter.” His answer is gruff. “Because I don’t want to take it.” 

Ren’s eyebrows furrow, “Ranmaru-”

“I hate that you have to take care of me like this, Ren. Trust me, I don’t want to be a burden. If this is your way of telling me that you can’t keep taking care of me, I’m fine with that. But put me in the hospital, or I can find a caretaker or figure out how to just take care of my own damn self. If it’s real, I’m not going to hate you. I’d rather die.”

“Don’t say that.” Ren speaks quickly, but the intake of breath before his sentence can be heard. 

“It’s true.” Ranmaru leans back into the pillows, his eyes closing. His own hand still holds Ren’s to his cheek. 

Ren lets out a deep sigh. “But I’m not trying to get out of taking care of you, Ranmaru. I don’t have a problem with that. I have a problem with seeing you so unwell and being powerless to do anything about it.”

“We can figure something else out.” Ranmaru sighs. “I’m not takin’ the pill.”

Ren sighs, but he doesn’t push it. Ranmaru closes his eyes, and it doesn’t take long for his hand to fall back to the bed, asleep. 

Ren gave it a few days. But with no improvement, Ren started planning. 

He felt terrible because Ranmaru told him no. But Ren couldn’t just sit there and watch Ranmaru die. And he was afraid that if he didn’t do anything soon, that was what was going to happen. So he slipped the pill into Ranmaru’s food. 

Ranmaru would kill him. But, if the pill worked, Ren supposed, Ranmaru probably would want to anyways. 

Ren was careful to proceed as usual, and Ranmaru didn’t seem to notice anything. Ren didn’t notice Ranmaru spitting something into a napkin.

Ren had a heavy feeling for the next few days- and it was mixed with relief that Ranmaru had actually started getting better. It felt like D-Day, watching Ranmaru’s attitude to see if anything would change. 

Nothing did. 

After a few weeks, Ranmaru still looked a bit unhealthy, but he was out of bed and moving around. One day Ranmaru caught Ren looking at him, concerned, and he sighs, looking at Ren.

“I never took the pill, Ren. Stop looking at me like that. I told you I wasn’t going to take it.”

“Wha-?”

“I know you put the pill in my food. I’m not stupid.”

“I didn’t-” 

“I know.” Ranmaru cuts off Ren again. “I know you meant you well. But I told you I didn’t want it.”

“You’re… you’re really getting better, though, right?” Ren asks softly. 

“Yeah. Trust me, I couldn’t fake this.” Ranmaru shakes his head with a sigh. He wraps his arm around Ren, pulling him closer. “I love you, Ren.” 

Ren’s returning embrace is almost clinging. “I love you, too, Ran.”


	3. Chapter Three (Tokiya x Ranmaru)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning ; mentions of blood, guns, being shot

It was very late at night, later than Tokiya should have been walking home. He knew that when he left the recording studio he should have called a car, but it was only a ten minute walk to where STARISH and Quartet Night stayed, and the apartment that he shared with Ranmaru.   
Tokiya glances at his phone. It was all he had on him, besides his keys and earbuds. It was a little past ten at night, and considering that it was a Tuesday, the streets were dead. According to his phone it was exactly 10:03. Ranmaru had probably been asleep for at least an hour by now.

Tokiya hated staying out this late, but he didn’t entirely mind it at the same time. He didn’t like not getting to eat with Ranmaru, or having to quietly compress so that he didn’t wake his partner. But he loved the silence that the night brought, and the crisp air that was cold, but not freezing. He takes his earbuds out of his pocket, sticking them into his ears and plugging them into his phone, starting his music and sliding his phone back into his pocket.

His music wasn’t loud, but he wasn’t sure that he’d have heard the quiet footsteps behind him even if he wasn’t wearing them. His world seems to shift when he feels something push into his back, and he can’t help the yelp when the side of his face smashes into a rough building. He can already feel the scrapes, and he feels a calloused hand over his mouth. He’s adjusted himself enough that he can see that he’s been pushed into the small area between two buildings, off of the open street. He freezes when he feels cold metal against his back, whoever was attacking him pressed the barrel of the gun they were carrying against the small of Tokiya’s back, where his shirt had ridden up from being snagged on the wall. 

This was a situation that Tokiya had never imagined himself in. He knew this sort of thing happened, of course, but he had only heard stories. He felt his body tense in a very sudden terror, and the thought that he may not make it out of this. The only thing running through his mind was a reminder to do everything he was told to. 

Well, that, and Ranmaru. He wishes he was home right now. That this was some sort of terrible nightmare and that he wasn’t in this situation. He feels his earbuds get yanked out of his ears, and he can’t help the wince and the shaky swallow. 

“If you try anything, I’ll shoot you.” The attacker’s voice isn’t loud, clearly, but it’s dead serious. “Nod if you understand me.” Tokiya nods, the hand moving with it. 

“I’m going to take my hand off of your mouth. If you want to live, you’ll stay quiet.” Tokiya nods again. True to his promise, he makes no noise when the hand drops. 

“Take everything out of your pockets and hand them to me. Move slowly.”

Tokiya does move slowly, taking out his phone, the earbuds still dangling, and handing them to the attacker. He does the same with his keys. He hardly entertains the thought of using them as a weapon. After all, it seems obvious to him who would win in a fight between him with his two keys and the attacker with a gun. The attacker gets agitated when Tokiya stops. He grabs Tokiya’s head with a hand clenched in his hair and slams Tokiya’s head against the wall so hard he feels his teeth rattle, and he can tell that the skin on his cheek has broken open. 

He doesn’t mean to lose his composure, but there are tears in his eyes. He’s frozen with fear, and doesn’t make any noise, despite the pain and throbbing. The grip feels like it’s pulling out hair. 

“I told you to give me everything.” The attacker demands. Tokiya shakes his head as well as he can. He’s trembling slightly. He’s afraid to talk. He feels a tight grip on his throat, a squeeze that translates how angry the attacker is right now. Tokiya can feel his throat bruising, and he can’t breathe, the grip pressing against his windpipe. If Tokiya weren’t a singer, he wasn’t sure that he could’ve held consciousness for as long as the grip stayed.

His heart sunk a bit. If he made it out of this, he’d have a rough go at work. The thought brings a hysterical, panicked laugh out of his chest. He won’t let any sound come out, but his shoulders shake, as he tries to repress it but can’t. The front of Tokiya’s shirt is grabbed, finally facing his attacker dead on. It’s dark, and it’s hard to make the man’s face out in the shadows, but he has a good few inches on Tokiya. His hair is dark and buzzed fairly short, and his nose is crooked like it’s been broken before. He was wearing a black hoodie and dark jeans. Tokiya couldn’t see his shoes because he couldn’t seem to tilt his head down. 

“You got something you wanna say?” The man growls. Tokiya can’t help but think that his attacker’s appearance looks like the kind of man that would do this sort of thing. He guesses that it isn’t a stereotype in this case because it’s true.

“I- I’m sorry I don’t have anything else.” Tokiya says, his voice so quiet it’s barely heard. He wasn’t sure that the man actually wanted a response. 

“I’ll check for myself.” The man lets go of Tokiya’s shirt, but pressed the gun to his throat, holding Tokiya frozen in place. The gun digs into the soft skin on Tokiya’s neck and it almost makes him cry. He can’t remember the last time he was this afraid. He can’t remember the last time that his life was this precariously on the line. 

He sees something shiny in the man’s hand, sees it slide down his fingers. Tokiya’s mind connects the dots right as the man’s hand hits his face. Brass knuckles. 

Tokiya can feel his nose crunch. He didn’t think he could feel a sound. He felt the blood pouring out of his nose. He feels his face slam against the concrete, his hands raising to protect his face and his body curling in on itself. 

Tokiya wasn’t a fighter. He’d have gone down and stayed down after one hit without the added weapon. The tears of pain mixed with the blood from his nose, dripping onto the alley’s pavement. He felt the man rustle through his pockets, standing up with an aggravated noise. Tokiya hardly sees the man pull back his leg, but feel his steel toed boots slam into his stomach. Tokiya knows what shoes the man was wearing now. The kick would have reminded him of an aggravated child, if it hadn’t rolled him onto his back with a groan that was half of a gasp. He barely manages to keep his hands over his face. His sobs, gasps and sniffles hurt. 

He’s still trying to be quiet, but it hurts. 

He’s never broken a bone. He’s never gotten a black eye. The most injured Tokiya had even really been was when he sprained his ankle at a practice, because he had done that a few times. Annoying, but manageable. 

“You’re one of those fuckin’ idols aren’t you?” The man’s voice is a bit louder as he gets angrier at Tokiya. Tokiya is shaking, scrambling up and backwards, towards the wall. He’s sure that he resembles a small child. He just doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. “Why the fuck wouldn’t you carry anything? You think you can walk out of this situation without giving me anything?” 

The man seems desperate. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Tokiya mumbles, pressing himself against the wall. The man pulls Tokiya back up the wall by his shirt, pressing his gun into Tokiya’s stomach so hard that he feels like he might throw up. 

“You’re fucking spineless.” The man spits. Tokiya can’t even argue. He is. He’s scared out of his mind, and he just wants to go home. Why didn’t he take a car? This area didn’t have a high crime rate, but there were crazy people everywhere. Tokiya is too aware of the gun, jabbing at his stomach and moving- but then he hears the noise. 

Tokiya doesn’t think the man meant to pull the trigger. In the man’s rage his grip must have tightened, and he hadn’t been bluffing with his gun threats because it was loaded and the safety was off. 

Tokiya’s knees buckle, and when he falls the man lets him. “Shit.” 

The man seems more concerned about the loud noise and the potential of being caught than he does by the fact that he shot Tokiya. Tokiya doesn’t feel the pain yet. He looks down at his white shirt and there’s already a circle of red, right underneath his right rib cage. He was slowly losing his ability to think clearly, but while he still can he affirms that it missed his lungs and heart, but it definitely had to hit something. He looks up, his movements slow. The man is gone. There doesn’t seem to be anyone coming to his aid, though. 

Tokiya takes off the flannel outerwear he was wearing, shuddering at the air. It felt colder now. As soon as he presses down onto his wound, all of the pain he had managed to push off comes back, and Tokiya curls over, slamming his forehead onto the pavement with much more pressure than he had meant to. He doesn’t hide the cry he lets out, just uses the pain to help him press harder. He’s sobbing, panicked, ugly sobs. 

No one’s coming to help him. His phone is gone. If he wants help he’s going to get it himself. 

So he stands, still pressing his shirt against his wound. It hurts. It aches, and burns, and the pain runs deep into his stomach. Every step feels like agony. 

What had he done wrong? He wasn’t prepared for that situation. 

As he makes his way back towards his apartment, he looks at the surrounding stores. They’re all darkened and closed. 

He should have taken a ride home. Or carried some cash on him. At the very least, he shouldn’t have walked alone. 

But he had done this so many times. How was he supposed to know that it was going to go this badly?

He feels like he’s dying. He wonders how he’s still on his feet by the time he reaches his building. He gets in, making his way to his own. He knows that he should stop by a closer apartment, but he wants to see Ranmaru. 

His breathing is coming heavier. 

He reaches his door, grabs the doorknob- and he realizes he doesn’t have his keys. He lets out a choked sob, leaning against the door, one hand still clutching the shirt. At this point, there isn’t nearly enough pressure on it. He’s only gripping the shirt. He curls his free hand into a fist, pounds hard on the door. 

He knows that Ranmaru is a selective sleeper. Some days Ranmaru wakes up if Tokiya sneezes, or checks his phone. Other nights Ranmaru could sleep through a fire alarm. 

Luckily tonight isn’t a deep sleep night. 

Ranmaru isn’t the only one alerted by Tokiya slamming on the door. From both adjacent rooms people come out. Otoya steps out of the room he’s sharing with Cecil, Cecil isn’t far behind. Syo is the first one out of Syo and Natsuki’s room, but Natsuki comes out a second later as well. Otoya and Cecil look confused, at first. Syo looks annoyed, and Natsuki looks concerned from the start. All of their expressions change to shock when they see the blood, covering Tokiya’s shirt, and his hands, and now the door. Tokiya looks like a ghost, pale and shaking, bruised. His nose is obviously broken, and there’s blood and tears and snot all over his face. When Ranmaru opens the door, Tokiya goes with it, too tired to catch himself. Luckily, Ranmaru does that for him. 

“What the fuck?” Ranmaru reaches out when he notices Tokiya falling, and Tokiya hisses in pain when he falls against Ranmaru, his free hand reaching down to his side. Ranmaru is awake. 

Ranmaru supports Tokiya, realizes quickly that Tokiya can’t move anymore, so Ranmaru lifts him gently to bring him to the couch, leaving the door open. The four others quickly file in, but they give Tokiya and Ranmaru space. Tokiya is panting audibly, and his face is incredibly pained, but at least he had Ranmaru now. He wouldn’t be dying in a cold alley alone. 

“Someone call an ambulance.” Ranmaru orders. “I don’t know how bad it is but there’s something wrong with his side.” 

Natsuki leaves the room immediately, heading to his own to grab his phone. Ranmaru carefully lays Tokiya down on the couch, immediately accessing him. Tokiya could tell from Ranmaru’s eyes that Ranmaru was panicking. His eyes were darting over Tokiya’s body, and they were wider than they usually were, glazed, almost. But his face was set. It was serious, and calm, and focused- and Tokiya appreciated it. If Ranmaru had been losing it, Tokiya think he would’ve lost it too. 

Tokiya feels like he might make it through this. Ranmaru spends a second looking over his face, at his throat, and then moves to his stomach. “Toki, can you talk to me?”

“A little.” Tokiya winces when he talks. His voice is raspy, and his throat aches. 

“I just need to know what happened. How are you hurt?” Ranmaru’s hand presses over the flannel on Tokiya’s stomach. He could see the blood from under it, and he starts to apply pressure. Tokiya lets out a strangled gasp. “Sorry.” Ranmaru mumbles, but the pressure doesn’t release. 

“I was shot.” Another wince. He experiences a full body shudder, quickly returning to the cold, and the fear, and the pain of the alley. 

Ranmaru uses the hand that he isn’t pressing against Tokiya’s wound to run over Tokiya’s bicep in a comforting manner. “We’re gonna get you help and you’re gonna be fine, alright?” His voice is gruff and careful. He’s watching Tokiya’s face closely. Tokiya looks tired, but he’s not fighting unconsciousness yet. That was a good sign, he was pretty sure. 

“Okay.” Tokiya whispers. He felt weak. His body kept shaking, and it was starting to really hurt. Ranmaru didn’t move from his side. Ranmaru’s free hand moved to one of Tokiya’s, and Tokiya used it like a lifeline. He was gripping it tighter than he meant to, but Ranmaru didn’t complain once. Tokiya glances towards the door. 

Otoya and Cecil were still in the room, and Otoya looked terrified, looking at Tokiya with wide, puppy like eyes, bright with tears that he was clearly trying hard to not shed. 

“Otoya.” Tokiya says, tired and soft. “C’mere for a second.” Otoya looks unsure, and Ranmaru glances over his shoulder. 

“It’s fine. You can come over.” Ranmaru returns his focus to Tokiya as Otoya carefully makes his way over. 

Tokiya gives a pained smile, but it’s meant to be reassuring. “I’m going to be okay.”

Otoya blinks, sniffing a bit. “Y-you shouldn’t be the one trying to make me feel better.” But Otoya gives a smile. It’s small, but it’s pure. Very Otoya. 

Tokiya hears noises in the hallway, and he sees Cecil step into the hallway. A few seconds later a gurney is rolled into the room. Ranmaru stands up, to get out of the way and to talk to the EMTs, but Tokiya feels panic flare through him, squeezing Ranmaru’s hand. 

Ranmaru’s face softens, looking down at Tokiya. He places his other hand on Tokiya’s, squeezes Tokiya’s hand softly with both of his. “It’s gonna be okay, Toki. I’ll be there as soon as they’ll let me see you, okay?” Tokiya nods, reluctantly letting go of Tokiya’s hand. 

He stares at the ceiling, barely paying attention to Ranmaru talking to the EMTs, explaining what he can. He was starting to get tired now. He barely feels the EMTs lifting him onto the gurney, talking to him. He doesn’t respond, but he sees Ranmaru’s worried face when he gets quiet. It isn’t enough to take him out of the stupor. The pain was unlike anything he’d felt. 

He fell unconscious before he got into the ambulance.

He wakes up, groggy and disoriented in a hospital room. He’s still in pain, but it’s far less than what he had been in. At first, his eyes land on the clock. It’s about 4 PM. He turns his head, making a soft, pained groan when he does. It catches the attention of the man sitting in the chair, watching his phone. Ranmaru. Ranmaru puts his phone away and stands up, breathing a sigh of relief. 

“Good to see you up again.” Ranmaru lightly squeezes Tokiya’s hand. 

“What’s going on?” Tokiya asks hoarsely. 

Ranmaru’s jaw tightens, and then he sighs, calming himself. Tokiya noticed a dangerous look flash through his eyes for a moment. “You were shot. They brought you to the hospital and put you through emergency surgery two days ago. You’ve been in the ICU since yesterday. That was as much as I could get from the nurses.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya mumbles, swallowing hard. It hurt. “How do I look?” He gives a crooked smile, and Ranmaru gives an amused ‘tsk’. 

“Beautiful. Like always.” Tokiya reaches up to lay his hand on Ranmaru’s cheek, ignoring the painful stretch. Ranmaru catches his hand, kisses the back of it, and lays it back down against the bed. “Don’t strain yourself.”

“I should get hurt more often. It sure brings out your sweet side.” 

“It’s a one time only thing, Ichinose. Next time you get hurt I’ll send Camus to watch over ya.” It was a joking threat, but there was a bit of a serious note at the beginning. 

“You may not get along with Camus, but we get along fine.”

“Then I’ll send Reiji.” 

“You wouldn’t.”

“You know I would. Guess that means you’d better not get hurt again.”

“You drive a hard bargain.” Tokiya smiles. It wasn’t uncommon to joke around with Ranmaru, but it was always nice. “So how long have you been here?”

“Since three. Visiting hours are three to seven.”

“You know that you don’t have to stay here three to seven, though, right?”

“You askin’ me to leave?” 

“Of course not. But I’m not asking you to spend four hours in a hospital everyday.” 

“Tokiya, I’d spend longer in here if they didn’t kick me out.” Ranmaru shakes his head.

“You didn’t spend all that time here yesterday while I was asleep, did you?” 

“‘Course I did.”

“You shouldn’t have. I can’t imagine I was very good company.” 

Ranmaru lets out a noise that’s not quite a laugh and not quite a scoff, but a mix of the two. “Not really. But the rule’s three visitors. I already told everyone else that they could work around me, but they came in twos to make sure you were doing okay. That, and your nurses are pretty interesting.”

Tokiya lets out a very soft laugh. 

“The rest of them’ll probably be by later.”

Tokiya nods. “It’ll be nice to let them know that I’m okay.”

Ranmaru’s face turns serious. “Are you really?”

Tokiya pauses. “I’m alive. And right now I think that might be as okay as I can be.” 

Ranmaru sighs, but he nods. 

Tokiya changes the topic. “I wonder when they’ll let me out.”

“Tokiya, you’ve been in the hospital for two days, and you’ve been awake for…” Ranmaru glances at the clock. “Ten minutes.”

“And these ten minutes conscious in the hospital have already been too much.”

Ranmaru snorts. “You can talk to the doctors but don’t get your hopes up.”

A nurse stops by Tokiya’s room on her daily rounds, and she smiles at him when she sees that he’s awake. Ranmaru moves to go sit back in his chair as she walks towards him. 

“I’m glad to see you’re awake and alert, Mr. Ichinose.”

“Tokiya is fine.” 

“Alright, Tokiya. How do you feel?”

“I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?” Ranmaru interjects, narrowing his eyes. “You were just through surgery, Tokiya. If you’re not feeling well, make sure you tell her.”

Tokiya doesn’t look over at Ranmaru, but he sighs. “Everything’s still very sore. It isn’t incredibly painful, but it aches. Especially if I move.” 

The nurse nods, “We’ll make sure we adjust your painkillers. It’s very important that you tell us how you’re feeling. Is there anything else?”

“I’d like to ask more about what happened, and what my surgery entailed.” 

“Of course. Let me go grab your doctor. He’ll want to talk to you now that you’re awake, anyways.”  
“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” The nurse smiles at Tokiya and leaves the room. 

“She was here yesterday.” Ranmaru comments. “She seemed relieved you were asleep. Think she was worried about taking care of an idol.”

“You’d think it would be the opposite. Imagine the tabloids if I had to get restrained for screaming at my nurse.”

“I was thinking more of ‘entitled asshole’ and less ‘enraged psychopath’, Tokiya.”

Tokiya snorts, and then groans. It only takes a few minutes for a doctor to come in. “Hello, Tokiya. How are you feeling?”

Tokiya was already getting tired of that question. “Sore, and achy. But not unbearably so.” 

The doctor would nod, glancing down at the sheet in his hands. He glances at Ranmaru, and then at Tokiya. “I was told you wanted to discuss your procedure. Would you like me to tell you with your guest in the room?”

Tokiya nods. “It’s fine. I don’t mind if he’s here.” Tokiya felt certain that Ranmaru would ask him later. It was easiest for Ranmaru to just hear it from the source.

“The bullet hit your liver. Luckily it caused damage that we could fix, and while you lost a lot of blood, it could have been much worse. The surgery went well, and you should heal from it fine.” The doctor smiles. Tokiya breathes out in relief. A glance at Ranmaru shows that he’s glad to hear the news, too.

“How long will I need to stay hospitalized?” 

Ranmaru’s slightly exasperated noise isn’t loud enough for the doctor to hear, but Tokiya doesn’t miss it.

The doctor doesn’t frown- but the smile is no longer in place. “A week minimum. Everything went well, but you were shot in an internal organ from close range. Your throat was also badly bruised and your nose was broken. We’d like to keep you for observations, though we should be able to move you out of the ICU in a day or two.”

“I understand.” 

“We’re going to be adjusting your painkillers shortly. I’ll be in to check on you tomorrow, but let the nurses know if you need anything else.”   
“Thank you.”

“Of course.” The doctor leaves the room. Tokiya sighs, and Ranmaru walks back over to the bed, shaking his head. 

Tokiya lets out a soft groan. “An entire week?”

“Tokiya. You were shot.” Ranmaru sounds exasperated. “I want you out of the hospital, too, but you have to stay here until you’re alright. If you leave too early you’re just going to end up back here for longer.”

“I guess.” Tokiya huffs. “But hospitals are depressing and boring and lonely.” He sighs dramatically. 

“Well, I’ll be here for four hours a day ‘til you’re out.”

“Ranmaru.” Tokiya looks at him, a bit surprised. “I can’t expect you to come here everyday for a week.”

“Sure you can. I told you I would.”

Tokiya sighs, but he doesn’t fight Ranmaru on it. He knows he isn’t going to win.

It took two weeks. Tokiya should’ve gotten out sooner, but he unfortunately had an incident. It was a day before the week was up, and Tokiya had woken from a nightmare. He must’ve been thrashing, because he felt a sharp pain in his side, shooting up with a gasp and falling back with a groan. He had managed to rip a stitch. 

Tokiya probably wouldn’t have told anyone, but as soon as his hand went to his side with a pained gasp, he saw Ranmaru step out into the hallway. They fixed his stitch, but made him stay longer. 

Tokiya was frustrated. It was at Ranmaru- even though Tokiya knew it wasn’t his fault, so he did his best not to show it. Ranmaru saw through it. 

They were both quieter for the last hour that visiting hours were open. Tokiya wanted to say something to break it, but he couldn’t think of anything, and Ranmaru was told to leave before he could. 

Later that night, Tokiya cried. Earlier that week Ranmaru had brought him another cellphone. This was just a short term prepaid phone, considering Ranmaru didn’t have Tokiya’s information, but it had all of the boy’s numbers and some space to download some idle games. It was perfect, and was a touching gesture. 

It was eleven at night, but the loneliness was overwhelming. Tokiya waited until he was done crying to call Ranmaru, not expecting Ranmaru to pick up.

He did. “Tokiya?” Ranmaru’s voice is groggy, but he sounds concerned, and like he’s trying to wake himself up. “Did something happen?”

“No, no. There’s nothing going on. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called so late.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Ranmaru sounds no less concerned. Tokiya imagines that he must still sound upset. “What’s going on?”

“I wanted to apologize for earlier. I… couldn’t stop thinking about it. I know I was acting angry towards you and I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet.

“I’m not going to say that I’m sorry that I got help, Toki. I know you want to get out of there, but I’m still standing by what I said. I don’t want you leaving until you’re actually ready to leave.” Ranmaru pauses for a second, sighing. “But you don’t need to apologize either. I didn’t take it personally.”

Tokiya breathes out a bit in relief. 

“But you need to get some sleep, okay? Today’s been… long.” Ranmaru mumbles. 

“Yeah.” Tokiya’s grip tightens on his phone a bit, a light squeeze. “I love you.” He mumbles.

“Love you, too, Toki.” Tokiya can’t help the smile. 

“Goodbye.”

“See ya tomorrow.” The call ends. Tokiya has a much easier time falling asleep.

Two weeks later and they’ve finally released him. Tokiya had managed to read ten entire books during his stay. Tokiya never thought he’d be tired of reading, but even he was reaching his limit. They forced him to exit in a wheelchair, and he wasn’t surprised to see that Ranmaru had picked him up. He was a bit surprised to find that Ren was in the driver’s seat. The nurse would follow Ranmaru and Tokiya, letting Ranmaru push Tokiya, and would wait until Ranmaru had helped Tokiya into the car to shoot them a smile and a, “Be careful.” before she returns the wheelchair inside. 

“Ichi.” Ren turns to smile at Tokiya. “How are you feeling?”

Ren laughs a bit at Tokiya’s groan, but it’s good natured. “If I hear that question one more time.” Tokiya shakes his head, leaving his threat idle. He couldn’t think of an adequate finisher. Ranmaru scoffs, buckling Tokiya in, ignoring Tokiya lightly batting at Ranmaru’s hands to try to let him do it himself. “But I’m much better.”

Ren smiles a bit at Tokiya’s answer, and smiles wider watching Ranmaru fuss over Tokiya. Ranmaru, having somehow sensed Ren’s expression, looks up just long enough to give him a “Shut up.” Before carefully closing the door on Tokiya’s side and walking around to sit in the backseat by Tokiya. Tokiya could have just moved over, but Ranmaru was being careful and Tokiya wasn’t going to ignore that. 

The ride home wasn’t silent, but it mostly consisted of Ren catching Tokiya up on STARISH news. “And I’ll be sure to keep you updated.”

Tokiya frowns slightly. “I shouldn’t be out that much longer.”

Ren’s eyes glance to the mirror, but Ranmaru turns his head towards Tokiya with narrowed eyes. 

Ren tries to save him from Ranmaru’s lecture, speaking in a softer voice. “You’re still going to need time to recover, Ichi.” 

The answer doesn’t seem to satisfy Ranmaru. He speaks up, too. “You’re out of the hospital, but you’re still hurt, Tokiya. I know you want to get back to normal, but you’re going to have to take it slow.” 

Tokiya sighs, and Ranmaru takes a second to pet through Tokiya’s hair. “You’ll get there. Just be patient, babe.”

Ren stops the car as close to the apartments as he can. It’s still a bit of a walk, but it’s not as far as it would be from the garage. “Thank you Ren. I appreciate your help.”

“Of course, Ichi. And I already let everyone know to be gentle. I know they’re all very excited to have you back with us.”

A few of the more energetic boys flashed through Tokiya’s mind. “Thank you.”

Ranmaru’s taken the opportunity to go around and open Tokiya’s door. Tokiya has already taken off his seatbelt, though he’s moving slower than he usually would. He stands, getting out of the car with Ranmaru’s help. Ranmaru has a bag with some of Tokiya’s stuff from the hospital. “You gonna be alright walking that far?”

Tokiya sighs, but gives a soft smile. “Ranmaru, I didn’t even need the wheelchair out of the hospital. I’ve been walking around for the past few days.” He squeezes Ranmaru’s bicep. “I’ll be fine.” 

Ranmaru sighs, and waits for Tokiya to step away from the car before he closes the door. Tokiya makes his way to the sidewalk without much difficulty, though he takes a few extra seconds to haul himself onto the sidewalk. Ranmaru’s back by his side quicky. When Tokiya insists on walking without Ranmaru’s support, Ranmaru lets him, but stays very close.

Tokiya underestimated the distance. It was only a three minute walk, but it felt like an eternity. He’d try to hide his heavy breathing. The stitch in his side was incredibly painful. He hated to admit it, but he may have pushed himself a bit too much. They’re a short distance away and Tokiya tries to balance his decisions in his head. 

He wants to lean on Ranmaru and make it easier for himself, but he knows that Ranmaru’s going to be upset with him, because Ranmaru called it.

Or he could grit his teeth and bear it, but if he were to collapse, Ranmaru would be more upset. Tokiya’s arm presses against Ranmaru’s, and Ranmaru glances over at Tokiya. Ranmaru had been watching him, but Tokiya had kept his expression neutral. He’d asked before, too, if Tokiya was okay and had been met with an affirmative. 

Ranmaru probably should’ve known better. But he doesn’t get on Tokiya about it. 

“Do you need me to pick you up?” 

Tokiya shakes his head. “If you could just support me I can make it.” 

Ranmaru nods, being careful as he helps Tokiya, and they make it into the building. 

In the lobby of the apartments there are chairs and couches in a small lounge area. “Can I sit down for a moment?” Tokiya asks, a bit breathlessly. Ranmaru immediately brings Tokiya over to a couch and Tokiya sits down carefully. 

Ranmaru sits down next to him, attentive. “Do you need anything?”

“Just a moment.” Tokiya smiles. He reaches for Ranmaru’s hand, notices how tense Ranmaru is. Tokiya looks around the room, the lounge is empty. “Hey Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is soft and quiet. “How are you feeling?”

Ranmaru snorts. “Thought you hated that question.”

“I do, because I’ve been asked it too much.” Tokiya squeezes his hand. “I don’t think you’ve been asked it enough.”

“I wasn’t the one in the hospital for two weeks.” Ranmaru’s face doesn’t change, but Tokiya can see the emotions pass through his eyes from practice in reading Ranmaru’s expression. 

“Talk to me, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is mimicking Ranmaru’s when Ranmaru pulls this move on Tokiya, and something about that seems to get Ranmaru. 

He’d sigh, but then he’d look Tokiya in the eyes. Ranmaru didn’t tend to do things halfway. Tokiya is attentive. “I should’ve gone with you that night. There isn’t anything I can do about it now, and I’m not going to let this happen again.” He turns his hand over, interlacing his fingers with Tokiya’s and giving his hand a squeeze. “But it wasn’t like this was you comin’ home with a black eye. You got shot, Tokiya. You could have died, and I wouldn’t have been there.” 

Tokiya’s heart compresses in his chest, and he scoots closer to Ranmaru, leaning against him. He presses a kiss to the side of Ranmaru’s neck, even though it does make his nose ache a bit. It was almost healed, but still a little sore. “But you were there when I came back. I was barely able to keep it together that night.” Tokiya’s voice sounds almost like he’s describing a bad dream. “And you’re the reason that I did.” Tokiya pauses for a second. “I know you’re going to be really careful with me, and that some things are going to change. And I know I put up a lot of resistance, but I know that you mean well and I’m going to try my best to fight you on this less. I know you went through a lot, too. And I know you just want to keep me from going through this again.”

“Thank you, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is soft. 

Silence takes over the conversation, but it’s comfortable. 

Tokiya knows that he should go visit the other boys, but he’s exhausted. His hospital schedule involved a lot of sleeping, and as if to remind him, he’d yawn. 

“You ready to head to our room?” Ranmaru asks, glancing down at Tokiya. He nods, begrudgingly moving off of Ranmaru to prepare himself to get up. Ranmaru helps him. 

“I meant to say this earlier.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “I appreciated what you said. I get that I can be… a little overprotective. And when it comes to you I’m not going to stop. But I’ll try to make sure I’m listening to you, too. But that means that you can’t lie to me, alright?” 

Tokiya nods. He smiles softly. “Thanks, Ran.” 

Ranmaru hadn’t experienced Tokiya’s nightmares. With the bright hospital lights, he never seemed to have them during his naps, and he did tend to have them sometimes during the night at the hospital, though there were still so many lights on that they kept them away. Sleeping that night in the dark brought them on horribly. 

Tokiya woke Ranmaru up. Tokiya had curled in on himself and let out an involuntary yelp at the pain in his side- taking him out of his nightmare and alerting Ranmaru as well. He’d let out a soft, more muffled whine as he straightens himself out, his hands over his still healing wound. It was incredibly painful. He must have had tears in his eyes from his nightmares, but the pain would send them spilling over his cheeks, his breathing heavier as he recovers from the fear and pain. 

“Shit.” Ranmaru’s voice is groggy and disoriented, but he reaches over. His hand finds Tokiya’s arm, moving up it carefully to reach across his chest, avoiding Tokiya’s stomach. He squeezes, and then lets go. Tokiya lets out a noise- the start of a protest, but then the light turns on and Ranmaru’s back by Tokiya. “I’m still here.” He mumbles, sitting up and pushing the blankets away from both of them. 

Ranmaru pushes up Tokiya’s shirt, and in Tokiya’s fear and pain addled mind, he tries to push it back down. Ranmaru reaches across Tokiya’s stomach, as far away from the wound as he can get, and rubs it, calming and careful. He needs to check Tokiya’s stomach, but he doesn’t lift Tokiya’s shirt again yet, just tries to get him calmer. 

“It’s alright.” Ranmaru says. Tokiya’s arm is still wrapped around Ranmaru’s wrist, and his grip is tight. “‘M just checkin’ to make sure you’re alright, Toki. You’re safe.” Tokiya slowly starts to calm down, and he finally nods, slowly releasing Ranmaru’s hand. Ranmaru raises Tokiya’s shirt up to his chest, carefully checking the wound. It was just healed enough that there was no longer a bandage on it, but the stitches still weren’t removed. The skin did seem red and irritated, but the stitches were all still in place and there was no blood. “I’m sure it hurts, but it’s okay. We’ve just gotta be real careful.”

Ranmaru carefully lowers Tokiya’s shirt, and he lays back down, draping his arm over Tokiya’s shoulders. “It was a nightmare, right?” Ranmaru asks quietly. Tokiya nods. “Do you want to talk to me about it?”

Tokiya thinks it over, and Ranmaru lets him. Tokiya knows that Ranmaru’s question was genuine. He wouldn’t force Tokiya to talk about it. 

Tokiya didn’t mind telling him, but he was afraid it was going to be difficult. Tokiya’s voice comes out a bit flat, trying to separate himself from the intense feelings. “It was like watching everything again on a movie. It was dark, and cold and I was terrified.” Tokiya shivers, it travels through his entire body. 

“It was like I was reliving the moment and I couldn’t stop it.” Tokiya’s voice is very quiet. He turns his head, pressing his face into Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru holds him tighter. Ranmaru doesn’t say anything. What is there to say?

After a moment of Ranmaru just holding Tokiya, he mumbles. “Do you want me to leave the lights on?”

“Not if it’s going to make it hard for you to sleep.”

“Tokiya, I could sleep on a rollercoaster if I wanted to. I can handle a light.”

Tokiya lets out a slight breathless laugh. “Then if it’s not going to bother you, I would like to leave the lights on. At least for a little while.” 

“Yeah. ‘Course.” Ranmaru closes his eyes. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yes. I think I’m okay now.” Tokiya lifts his hand, gently squeezing Ranmaru’s forearm. 

“Wake me up if y’need anything.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds half asleep already. 

“I will.”

Ranmaru falls asleep quickly. Tokiya takes longer, but he eventually does manage to slip under, and he sleeps through the rest of the night.

There are a few smaller events. A few times where Tokiya gets quiet and withdrawn, lost in his own thoughts. A few nights where the lights don’t help- and few where he insists he can sleep without it and wakes himself up from a bad nightmare. Tokiya gets the stitches removed a week and a half later but the area was still extremely tender. He still wasn’t able to get back to working, but he was doing small exercises to try to help the weakness in his body from weeks of not moving around. Ranmaru did go back to work- not having much of a choice in the matter. 

But one afternoon Ranmaru had off of work Tokiya had convinced him to go grab lunch at a place that wasn’t far from the apartments, and Ranmaru agreed, knowing how Tokiya was getting bored not straying far from home. Everything had gone fine for a while. Tokiya was listening to Ranmaru’s most recent Camus story-

“Bastard kept telling me I was off. Entire time he was the one a beat off and tried blaming it on me.”

Tokiya was almost amused. It was normal, and it was nice, and he was more than happy to listen to Ranmaru grumble about Camus. And then there was a loud bang from the kitchen. 

Tokiya jolted so severely he had managed to tip his chair, but in a panicked state he let himself fall, moving to hide under the table. There weren’t many people in the restaurant, but those who were had their eyes on Tokiya. He felt sore, and he thinks he hit his head against the table, but he was too concentrated on hiding to even care. He notices Ranmaru’s pants leg, grabs onto it, sudden fear for Ranmaru taking over him. Ranmaru had already been moving from the point he had seen Tokiya nearly fall over, and he crouches down, Tokiya’s hand still clutching onto his pants leg. 

Tokiya sees Ranmaru’s concerned face, and the panic dies down, just enough to wonder if Tokiya could have been wrong. Ranmaru didn’t seem scared- only worried, Tokiya realizes, for him. Ranmaru reaches out, his fingers brushing against Tokiya’s forehead. He must’ve hit it, then. Tokiya decides. But he still didn’t feel the pain, only the buzz of panic in his chest. From the way he was crouched he could imagine that his side would hurt for at least a few days. 

“It was just somethin’ falling, Toki. Everything’s okay.” Tokiya still looks unsure, his eyes still wide and his entire body shaking. “Come on out, Tokiya, it’s okay. I promise.” Ranmaru’s hands move to Tokiya’s arms, carefully helping the boy navigate himself out from under the table. The waitress has come over, apologizing profusely, but Tokiya is so out of it he hardly hears her. 

He knows Ranmaru says something along the lines of getting the check, but Tokiya feels like he’s not fully there. He doesn’t come back to himself until Ranmaru is starting to lead him out of the restaurant, and he starts to feel the ache in his side, worsening with his every step, and the sting on his forehead from where he whacked his head. He feels Ranmaru’s arm wrap around him as he takes out his phone to call them a ride. They aren’t very far from the apartments, but now that Tokiya is feeling the physical effects, he isn’t going to argue. 

Ranmaru isn’t overly affectionate in public, and Tokiya almost appreciates that he doesn’t seem to care right now. He almost never dislikes when Ranmaru gets protective over him, but he’s especially glad for it today. The car doesn’t take long to pull up, and Ranmaru helps Tokiya into the car. Tokiya scoots over before Ranmaru can walk around, and Ranmaru just shakes his head slightly and climbs in the car. The car ride is less than five minutes long, and Tokiya climbs out of his side, waiting for Ranmaru to walk around. Ranmaru’s arm wraps back around Tokiya’s shoulders as they walk back toward the apartment. They’ve been silent. Tokiya believes that Ranmaru’s waiting until they’re alone, or maybe he’s just trying to give Tokiya time to collect himself. Or maybe he’s waiting for Tokiya. They get into the apartment, and Ranmaru leads Tokiya over to the couch to sit down. 

“Sorry.” Tokiya breathes out. “I overreacted.” 

Ranmaru shakes his head. “Tokiya, you’ve been taking all of this insanely well. Much better than I think I’d be able to.” His voice is a bit gruff. 

“I don’t think I’ve been handling it well at all.” Tokiya frowns. 

Ranmaru lets out a sigh, a bit exasperated. “I can’t force you to see it, if you’re being honest with me, you’re doing fuckin’ incredible, Toki.” 

Tokiya thinks about it for a second. His response comes slow. “I think I’ve been honest. I don’t think I’ve been hiding.” He winces, thinking of this afternoon. “It’s hard to hide.” He admits. 

“Don’t feel set back by the restaurant.” Ranmaru says, ruffling Tokiya’s hair, careful to not touch the potential bruise forming on Tokiya’s head. Despite the more serious subject, Tokiya finds himself smiling softly at Ranmaru’s gesture. “It’s only been about a month. It’s just going to take some time.”

“So you keep saying.” Tokiya sighs dramatically. “But I’m very impatient.”

“Yeah. I thought you were supposed to be the patient one in the relationship.” Ranmaru scoffs, and Tokiya smacks his chest, laughing a bit. 

“You’re already starting to take the place as the calmest in the relationship. I’m running out of things to be.” 

“Think I’ve still got some time before I’d go that far.” Ranmaru chuckles, and Tokiya smiles softly, watching him. His panic from the restaurant isn’t entirely gone, but sitting on the couch with Ranmaru, even with all of his aches and pains, is nice. 

“We should put on a musical.” Tokiya murmurs, and Ranmaru lets out a good natured groan. 

“But then I’ve gotta stand up.” Ranmaru says, despite the fact that he’s already moving. Tokiya grins. 

“You’re weak for me.” Tokiya teases.

“Yeah, yeah. Tell me somethin’ I don’t know.” Ranmaru grumbles, getting off of the couch.

What starts as one musical ends up turning into a musical, and a movie, and a few episodes of a TV show. Surprisingly, Ranmaru stays awake through all of it. Tokiya wonders idly if Ranmaru’s still worried. But being cuddled up with Ranmaru on the couch, watching movies and occasionally sharing soft gestures makes Tokiya happy and content. By the time they’ve finished the chinese food they’ve ordered in and the last episode rolls by and it’s time to get into bed, the afternoon feels almost like a distant memory, and even Tokiya’s sore body isn’t bothering him too much. 

He doesn’t have trouble falling asleep that night, and he doesn’t wake up until the morning. 

It takes another month and half before Tokiya can go back to work. It’s another two months before he starts returning to full days. 

It’s nearly three months in when he gets an unavoidable, late night session at the studio. Ranmaru takes this one seriously.

“We can talk to the producer.” Ranmaru says, his voice serious. He seems annoyed. “They can fuckin’ reschedule it.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I can’t ask them to do that. I… can’t lie. I’m a bit worried. But I’m still an idol. I have to do this.”

“I’m going to come with you.” Ranmaru’s tone makes it clear that he isn’t going to argue on this. Tokiya doesn’t try. 

“Okay.” 

The day comes quickly. Tokiya had been given a weeks notice, and he and Ranmaru head out at fifteen before six. Ranmaru sits outside of the recording booth, listening to Tokiya. Tokiya does his best, but he has to take quite a few breaks. Ranmaru checks on him when he can- Ranmaru can tell just how nervous Tokiya has been the entire night. Tokiya was focused on leaving, and while Ranmaru certainly helps set Tokiya at ease, it isn’t enough. Tokiya is sent home an hour earlier than he should have been. It was still dark when they left. 

Ranmaru calls the car a few moments before they head outside. The car is only a few moments away when they need to leave the building. Ranmaru keeps Tokiya near him. Tokiya stays close to Ranmaru’s side. Tokiya freezes when he hears talking from an alleyway near him. 

“Give me everything you’ve got on you.”

The voice sends pure fear through Tokiya’s body, and he cranes his neck to see in. He sees a person pressed against the wall, and he can see someone leaning over them. The way the light is shining, and the angle that Tokiya is standing, lets him see a few details about the man. A dark sweatshirt and jeans. Heavy steel toed boots. Dark, short hair- a bit longer than Tokiya remembers. Tokiya knows who it is and he lets out a quiet whimper. 

Ranmaru reacts immediately, his hands on Tokiya. Tokiya’s head doesn’t face away from the alley and Ranmaru looks to where Tokiya is transfixed, and Ranmaru’s body tenses. Tokiya doesn’t think Ranmaru knows that the person in the alley is the same one that attacked Tokiya, but Tokiya’s starting to cry, and Ranmaru pulls Tokiya inside of the recording studio, pulling out his phone and dialing the emergency number. The police promise to be there within ten minutes. 

Tokiya can only hear his blood rushing in his ears. He wants to help the person being attacked, but he’s just a normal person. There isn’t anything he could do, not unless he wanted to be hurt again. And heaven forbid the man decides to finish Tokiya off- and Tokiya has Ranmaru with him. 

In the back of his mind he realizes that Ranmaru wouldn’t even let Tokiya step outside right now, let alone go throw himself into the dangerous situation. But at the forefront of his mind, Tokiya wants Ranmaru to stay safe. Ranmaru’s hands are on Tokiya’s shoulders, his face, a pair of heterochromatic eyes staring into Tokiya’s, but Tokiya can hardly breathe, let alone focus. Even on Ranmaru. 

Tokiya doesn’t notice the employee walking towards them, apologizing and telling them that they’re closed and shouldn’t be in the building. Doesn’t see Ranmaru turn away from Tokiya just long enough to explain the situation, or to see the employee back off. 

Tokiya doesn’t notice the lights coming up, or the yelling from outside. Barely feels himself shaking so hard that it’s a miracle he isn’t falling apart. Doesn’t feel himself starting to sob. Tokiya can’t tell, even when Ranmaru holds Tokiya close to himself. Doesn’t notice the barely concealed panic on Ranmaru’s face at Tokiya’s unresponsive manner. 

Is this shock? Tokiya isn’t sure. Tokiya rarely disassociates, but he is right now. A police officer eventually comes in. Tokiya would later learn that they’ve managed to catch the man, thanks to Ranmaru’s call- and the victim was injured, but not badly. The police aren’t able to question Tokiya, but Ranmaru answers everything that he can. The employee lets them stay in the building until Tokiya has calmed down enough to know where he is. 

“Ranmaru…?” Tokiya asks, his voice hoarse. The bruise on his throat has been gone for months, but it almost feels fresh. Like it’s returned. 

“Shit, Toki, you scared me.” Ranmaru had stayed close to Tokiya, sitting down on the floor against the wall and pulling Tokiya down with him. But when Tokiya responds, Ranmaru puts his hand on his cheek, turning Tokiya’s head to look at Ranmaru. “I’m glad you’re back with me.” He sounds relieved. 

“It was him.” Tokiya manages to gasp out. “I saw his face. It was him.” Tokiya is clutching Ranmaru’s shirt, the full body shaking returning. 

“They got him, Toki. Calm down.” Ranmaru’s voice is low. Soothing. Trying to keep Tokiya out of the dissociative state. “Caught him in the act. He’s not going to be hurting you, or anyone else, again, alright? You’re safe.” 

Ranmaru’s arms are wrapped tightly around Tokiya. After the amount of time Tokiya’s had to heal, Ranmaru doesn’t need to be as gentle. Thank god. Tokiya presses himself against Ranmaru, hiding his face in Ranmaru’s neck, and Ranmaru just holds Tokiya to himself. 

“No one’s goin’ to touch you, Toki. You’re gonna be okay.”

Tokiya sobs into the crook of Ranmaru’s neck for what feels like a long time. Ranmaru just lets him, one of his hands rubbing Tokiya’s back. 

Tokiya eventually calms down enough. 

“You ok?”

“I don’t know.” Tokiya whispers. “But I’m better.” 

Ranmaru nods, and Tokiya can feel it. Ranmaru takes another minute to speak. “Do you want me to call us a ride home? Can you move?”

“Yeah. I can.” Ranmaru’s arms slowly loosen, and Tokiya climbs off of Ranmaru, having ended up on the man’s lap. 

Ranmaru takes out his phone to call a new car- the other one having left and charging him for the ride they never took. Tokiya forgot about that one.

But the new car is closer, and Ranmaru waits until it’s pulled up to grab Tokiya’s hand. “Let’s go.”

Tokiya nods, numbly, letting Ranmaru help him up. They get in the car, the entire ride being silent. It’s quiet up until they get to their apartment, and as soon as the door shuts, Ranmaru wraps his arms around Tokiya again. 

“Let’s go lay down.” Tokiya nods, slipping off his shoes. Ranmaru follows. 

For the past month or so, Tokiya’s been able to sleep with the lights off, but Ranmaru keeps them on. He lets Tokiya get into bed first and follows quickly after, wrapping his arms around Tokiya and pulling him close. Tokiya realizes that Ranmaru never once doubted him when he insisted that the man was the same one. 

Tokiya gets closer to Ranmaru, closing what little space they had between them. 

“I’d talk to you about this but I can’t think of anything to say.” Tokiya says quietly. 

“You don’t have to say anything.” Ranmaru mumbles. Tokiya expected him to sound more tired than he does, but Ranmaru is quiet but attentive. 

“I love you, Ranmaru.” Tokiya’s voice is more tired than Ranmaru’s at this point. Tokiya’s eyes close and he feels Ranmaru’s lips press to his forehead. 

“Love you, too, Toki.” 

Ranmaru doesn’t even try to sleep until he’s sure that Tokiya is out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you have any prompts you'd like to see me write feel free to suggest!


	4. Chapter Four (Tokiya x Ren)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning ; stabbing, blood, pain

STARISH was in the middle of a large, multiple day event. It was at some sort of con, Tokiya wasn’t overly familiar- but it mainly consisted of a lot of meet and greets, panels, and performances, and it took place over five days. 

The first day was nice. The boys were sharing two suits, each with a living room, kitchenette, and two rooms each. Originally, it was supposed to be Ren and Tokiya in the first room in suite one, with Masato getting the other room to himself, and then Otoya and Cecil to a room in Suite Two with Syo and Natsuki in the second room. But then Cecil found out about the couch that pulled out into a bed and insisted on sleeping on that, and Otoya invited Masato to share the room with him. Tokiya knew that Otoya preferred to share a room, and Masato preferred to not be in the same suite with Ren and Tokiya together.

Tokiya tried to be respectful of Masato, being careful to keep the PDA between Ren and Tokiya to a minimum. Ren did not hold the same respect.

Tokiya would be talking to Masato when Ren would walk up behind Tokiya and wrap his arms around his waist, kissing his cheek and giving Masa a cheeky grin. “Good morning, boys.”

Masato would go red in the face, “Must you be so inappropriate, Jinguji?”

“I can show you inappropriate, Hijiri.” Tokiya can tell that Ren’s grin widens without even seeing his face.

Masato lets out an annoyed huff. “You are incorrigible.”

“I believe that’s my line.” Tokiya muses.

“Please get your boyfriend under control, Ichinose.”

“You know as well as I do that you’re asking the impossible.”

Tokiya knew that if it made Masato truly uncomfortable that Ren would stop. But he also knew that as long as it didn’t reach that point, Ren would take every opportunity to tease Masato that he could. 

“I’m insulted.” Ren says, a mock hurt tone in his voice. Tokiya doesn’t buy it. 

“Sure.” Tokiya says, lightly swatting at Ren’s arm, wrapped around his waist, Ren laughs, but lets Tokiya go. This was the morning before the first day of the con. 

“Well, Ittoki asked me to share a room with him. It seems that Aijima would rather sleep on the pull out couch, and I’ve taken him up on his offer. Starting from tonight the two of you will have the suite to yourself.” Masato looks at Ren with a look that makes Tokiya concerned that Ren may burst into flames. “Don’t you dare open your mouth, Jinguji.” Ren just chuckles. 

“Leaving us so soon, Hijiri?” Tokiya knows, very well, that Ren was fully prepared to say something else. 

“I think giving you two privacy is the best option for all three of us.” Masato says dryly. 

Tokiya holds back a laugh. 

“If you insist.” Ren drawls. 

“But for now-” Tokiya injects. “We all need to get ready to leave.”

“You’re right.” Masato nods. He heads into what would have been his room to finish getting ready. 

“Maybe we should hop in the shower?” Ren purrs with a sly smirk. Tokiya rolls his eyes, but he can’t help but let out a laugh. 

“Masa is still in the next room. You also know just as well as I do that we’ve both already taken a shower. Unless you’re implying I need another one?”

Ren’s arms wrap back around Tokiya’s waist from behind, and Ren’s head drops to nuzzle into the crook of Tokiya’s neck. “Of course not, Ichi. You smell sweeter than the freshest rose.”

Tokiya rolls his eyes again. “We need to go get ready, Ren. You can sweet talk me all you want later.”

“I fully plan to take you up on that.” Ren gives Tokiya’s waist a squeeze, and finally lets Tokiya go. Tokiya walks towards their shared room before Ren can try anything else. Ren follows.

Once they’re dressed and ready, all seven boys meet up and climb into a limo, paid for by the con they’re going to. It’s the last calm moment all day, all seven men buzzing, talking about what they were expecting and how many people there’d be. 

Once they’re there, they are led to a back room to enter their first panel of the day. They sit at the desk, and they all sit by their name tags. These are listed by their names-

Natsuki, Tokiya, Cecil, Ren, Otoya, Syo and Masato. 

STARISH.

It’s virtually just a large Q and A. They show the boy’s newest music video, and a few clips from some of the boys’ newest solos. It’s nice watching the fans, listening to their cheers, feeding off of their excitement. 

The questions are what you’d expect. 

One of the ones Tokiya found entertaining was one directed towards him. 

“Tokiya, who is your favorite member?”

Tokiya pretends to think for a minute. “Hmm. Probably myself.” Cecil laughs at his side. “But if I really have to choose- I’d say Otoya. We’re all friends, but Otoya and I shared a room for a long time when we were first getting popular.”

Tokiya hears an overly dramatic gasp from the end of the table, and knows it’s Ren before he looks. “Ichi, I’m offended.” The mock offended look on Ren’s face is priceless, and his hand over his heart seals the deal.

“You can’t be everyone’s favorite Ren.”

“Are you sure about that?” Ren winks at Tokiya, and then looks at the audience with a charming smile. “What do you think, my ladies?”

Ren gets a cheer from the audience, and it gets a laugh out of most of the boys, including Tokiya. Ren had a flair for the dramatic that could rival even Tokiya’s. 

God, Tokiya loved him. 

The next event they were set to perform in was… well, a performance. It was on one of the con’s stages, and it was basically a short concert. The solos were split up between the five days, two solos each for the first two days, one duet, and three group songs. On the third day there would be three solos, three group songs. The last two days would be split up, mostly duets and group songs. They got as many songs as they did because there was no Q and A to these sessions. The meet and greet came right after. 

This event took the longest, and they were sitting based off of their numbers, this time. 

Otoya, Masato, Natsuki, Tokiya, Ren, Syo and Cecil. 

Tokiya heard it all.

“I love you!”

“You inspire me!”

“You’re my favorite!”

“Thank you!” 

“You’re so pretty!”

“You’re so talented!”

Tokiya didn’t believe half of them. But, don’t get him wrong- despite the repetition and his own personal disbelief, he appreciated every excited fan, every compliment.

By the time STARISH’s meet and greet is done, there’s still a few hours for the boys to go grab food and explore. Tokiya loves his job, and loves his fans- but his social meter was starting to run a bit low. So as soon as he could take the chance to go have a few minutes to himself, he’d take it. 

Tokiya would slip out of the convention center, too quickly for any of his bandmates to catch him. He’d send Ren a quick text.

“Sorry for running out on you. I just needed a second.”

“That’s alright, Ichi. <3 Just text me when you want to meet back up. Love you.”

Tokiya smiles at his phone. He’d send back a quick, “I love you, too.” text and takes a second to enjoy the outside air. The outside wasn’t nearly as crowded as the inside was, but there was still a large crowd filled with cosplayers and people dressed casually. Tokiya wasn’t a sore thumb here, because he had shed the outside of his eye catching costume before he left, and he was able to pull off as a low budget cosplayer. It worked well for him. 

Time seems to stop completely for a second, as a small crowd brushes past him. He feels something strange, sharp and cold jab into his side. Maybe he was imagining it, but it felt like it scraped against his hip bone. He had an idea of what it was before he looked down, and it was confirmed when he glanced to his side and saw a small pocket knife, pushed in to the hilt, the blade inside of his body.

At first he almost didn’t believe it. And then the knife was gone, and he tried to look back to see who had done it, but whoever had just stabbed him was already blending in to the crowd. 

There’s only another blissful moment of confusion and shock before it starts to hurt. And it starts to hurt badly. He almost chokes on the intake of breath, his eyes wide. He gets a few glances, but no one actually stops to check on him. He glances down at his side. There’s blood, but his dress shirt is dark and it hides it. Tokiya needs to get inside. 

He makes his way inside, but god does it hurt. It isn’t an unbearable pain, but it is absolutely one of the worst he’s felt. ...Should he get medical attention?

He was going to look at it himself, first. He’d make his way back inside, flashing his badge, and he’d head towards the closest bathroom he could find, making his way into a stall. He sits down on the toilet, pulling up his shirt, hissing through his teeth as his shirt drags over the wound. Ouch.

He looks at his side, and the wound itself isn’t a very long line, but it doesn’t look shallow. He gently prods at the skin around the wound, wincing as he does. It’s the only thing he can think of to see if it hit something vital. He pulls out his phone, googling an image of a human’s body and internal organs, trying to match up where he was stabbed and where his organs should rest. If he was right, it missed anything important. He lets out a sigh in relief.

He puts away his phone and returns his attention to his wound. He was stabbed. The thought is followed by a hysterical laugh that bubbles in his chest, but he manages to stay silent. 

His phone buzzes. 

“Ichinose. Ittoki doesn’t feel very well and so we’re going to leave early. Can you meet us at the entrance in five minutes?”

It’s a text from Masato. Tokiya sends a text back, “Yes.” 

He needed to do something about the wound before he bled through his shirt. He’d send one more text to Masato. 

“Will you do me a favor and grab my costume from the lockers?”

“Jinguji already grabbed them.”

Of course Ren did. Ren was great with this kind of stuff. 

Tokiya puts his phone away and tries to think of something fast. His eyes glance to the toilet paper. He knows that they sell bandages at the gas station that’s near the hotel, so the toilet paper will just be a quick fix until he can go get something better. He takes a lot of toilet paper, enough to wrap around his waist several times, and then painfully tucks his shirt back in and pulls his pants up high enough to keep the makeshift bandage in place. 

He’s running out of time by this point, so he quickly makes his way out of the stall and to the sink, washing his hands quickly and exiting the bathroom. He actually catches the rest of the group right before they exit the doors. He makes his way to Otoya. 

“I heard you weren’t feeling well. Are you alright?” Tokiya frowns.

“Oh! I’m okay, Tokiya! I just feel a little sick. It’s probably from all the excitement.” Otoya rubs the back of his neck. He does look a little queasy.

“Well, I’m sure if you go to hotel and get some rest, you'll be better tomorrow.” Tokiya smiles at Otoya. Ren’s come up from behind them. 

“Say, Ichi. You’re looking a little pale, yourself.” Ren’s voice sounds concerned. He places his hand on Tokiya’s forehead. “Maybe you’re coming down with something, too?”

“Hopefully not.” Tokiya’s acting practice has come in handy- none of the pain he’s feeling is showing on his face. Though he’s sure he looks a little tired.

“It’s probably just been a long day.” Tokiya says. He doesn’t want to cause a panic, especially not here. He’d like to figure out what happened by himself before he worries everyone else with what just happened. He would tell them. Eventually.

“You’ll have to get some rest when we get back, then, too, Ichi.” Ren says, and Tokiya gives a tired smile.

“I suppose so.”

The limo is already there, and they climb in. Tokiya stays towards the end of the group to prepare himself to climb into the car. He notices Ren watching him, holding the jacket of his outfit in his hands. Tokiya just grits his teeth and climbs in. 

The ride home isn’t silent, but the conversation is much calmer than it was that morning. Tokiya leans against Ren’s shoulder and closes his eyes. He doesn’t fall asleep, but he feels ready to. 

The limo drops them off at the hotel. Tokiya is the first one out of the car because of positioning. The others start to head towards the hotel, but Tokiya calls out after them- “I’ll be there in just a moment. I’m going to stop by the convenience store next door. Do you want something for your stomach, Otoya?”

Otoya smiles at him, and it seems like he’s about to say no, but then his smile turns a little sheepish. “Actually, could you get me one of those lemon lime sodas? I heard they’re supposed to help.”

Tokiya smiles, “Of course.”

“Thank you, Toki!” 

“Why don’t I come with you, Ichi?” Ren offers. “It’ll be easier to carry things between the both of us.”

“You don’t have to, Ren, though I appreciate the offer.”

“I insist.” 

Tokiya huffs, but it’s an amused one. It’d be much easier to just go on his own, but as soon as Ren offered he knew that wasn’t going to happen. 

“Do any of you want anything?” 

None of the other boys do. Ren and Tokiya begin the walk to the store, only a few buildings down. “Are you sure you don’t want to go get some rest, Toki?” Ren’s still careful. They can’t do anything that would imply that they’re more than friends when they’re out in public. But he’s dropped it just enough to use Tokiya’s normal nickname.

“I’ll rest when we’re done. I’m not that tired.” Tokiya wasn’t lying about his intention to rest. He was fully intending to lie down and just watch TV, or read a book. As soon as he took care of his pesky problem. It was still very painful.

“If you’re sure.” Tokiya and Ren would reach the store, and Tokiya would head towards the soda first. He’d grab three of the lemon lime sodas, and Ren would raise an eyebrow. “Two for Otoya and one for me. Otoya very rarely has soda, so an extra one won’t hurt him. Or it’ll just go to one of the other boys.” Ren chuckles, smiling. 

Tokiya shoves them into Ren’s hands. “Grab anything you want and then head to the counter. I need to grab something else.” Ren nods, taking the sodas, and Tokiya heads to a different aisle. It isn’t hard to find a small first aid kit. He wishes they had something more heavy duty, but he supposed this would do. It was also just slightly less suspicious. A first aid kid wasn’t a bad thing to have. 

When he makes it to the counter, Ren is just setting down four bottles. The three sodas, and a bottle of some sort of sparkling water. Tokiya sets down the first aid kit and reaches into his back pocket. He notices Ren’s wallet in his hands. 

“I can pay.” Tokiya says, quickly. 

“No need.” Ren smiles, and Tokiya huffs as Ren swipes his card, the employee already having scanned and bagged their items. Ren takes the receipt and the bag, putting his card back in his wallet and returning his wallet to his pocket. 

“Thank you.” Ren says to the man behind the counter, walking away, glancing at Tokiya. Tokiya follows.

Once they’re outside Ren looks at Tokiya, his eyebrows furrowed a bit. “A first aid kit?”

“It doesn’t hurt to have. Besides, I managed to scrape up my knee earlier and I’d like to bandage it.”

“Is it that bad?”

“Not really. But I’m a fan of the saying ‘Better safe than sorry’.” Tokiya shrugs. Ouch. “Besides-” He speaks quickly to cover up his slight wince. “You know Cecil and Otoya. It isn’t that they’re clumsy, but you know how over enthusiastic they can be. We really can’t be too careful.”

Ren chuckles, and he lets the subject drop. 

Tokiya snorts after a second of silence, and Ren looks at Tokiya. Tokiya’s stomach hurts from the laugh, but he doesn’t let it show. 

“What’s so funny, Toki?” Ren seems amused. 

“Just thinking about one of your answers today, at the panel. When you goaded the audience into feeding your ego.”

Ren mocks offense. “You wound me, Toki.” He grins a few seconds after. “You know.” Ren’s voice has a teasing tone to it. “But I was just trying to show you how popular I was so that I’d be your favorite.” 

Tokiya scoffs, a small smile on his face. “Trying to get me to join the bandwagon?”

“Well, did it work?”

“Ren, you already know I’m driving that wagon.”

Ren laughs aloud. It’s a nice sound. They’re back at the hotel. They head back up to their suite, but Tokiya stops in on the other one. He knocks on the door, and Syo opens the door. “Tokiya! Ren! Hey. How are you feeling, Tokiya?”

“Tired.” Tokiya smiles. “But I’m alright. I’m going to go get some rest, but we wanted to stop by to give Otoya the soda I promised him.”

Ren takes out two of the three bottles, handing them to Tokiya, who offers them to Syo.

“Alright! I think he’s already asleep, but I’ll let him know he’s got them when he wakes up. Thanks, Tokiya!” 

“Of course. Make sure he’s taken care of, Syo.” 

“You’ve got it. You get some rest, too, Tokiya!” Syo grins at Tokiya and Ren. 

“I’ll make sure he does.” Ren smiles back, resting a hand on Tokiya’s back. Tokiya raises his hand in a wave, and he and Ren move down the hall towards their suite. Once they’ve gotten back inside, the room Masato had been staying in had its door wide open, and the room was empty. It didn’t look like it had been used. Tokiya guesses there wasn’t really a chance to use it.

Tokiya takes the bag from Ren, and Ren lets him. Tokiya sticks the soda in the small fridge of their kitchenette, and takes the rest of the bag to the room he and Ren would share. He passes the beds to go to the bathroom. 

“Do you want me to help bandage your knee, Toki?” Ren offers. Tokiya can tell that his offer is sincere.

Tokiya shakes his head but smiles at Ren. “I appreciate it, but it’s okay. I can handle it.”

“If you insist.” Ren moves to lie on one of the beds. Tokiya realizes that Ren must be exhausted too. Probably in a different way than Tokiya. 

Tokiya sets the bag on the counter, and walks back in the room. There are two queen sized beds in the room, and Tokiya and Ren’s bags are both sitting on the bed they won’t be using. Tokiya searches through his own bag and takes out a pair of sweatpants and a sweater. He realizes, with some amusement, that it’s actually Ren’s. He takes it anyways. 

He walks back to the bathroom and closes the door. He glances at Ren right before he does- Ren’s eyes are closed, his arms stretched above his head. He’s not quite placed right on the bed, his head lying on the middle of it, his feet on the floor. He looks comfortable, though. Tokiya moves to undress. His shoes are the least difficult part, but even then it isn’t comfortable when he toes off his shoes and an ache runs up to his side. His socks are harder, though he doesn’t bend at the waist, choosing to sit on the closed toilet lid to have easier access. He must stand again as he lowers his pants, his expression tightening in pain and a hiss escaping through closed teeth. 

He pries his pants off, noticing the patch on his jeans that’s wet. When he pulls his hands away, his fingertips are red. He works on unbuttoning his shirt, next. That was the least painful part, only sending slight pain when the shirt brushed against the irritated flesh. His shirt had a hole in the side of it, and the patch of blood was still hardly noticeable, but much bigger than the spot on his pants. The line of toilet paper still clung to his skin, stuck there with the blood that had seeped through the paper. The toilet paper on the uninjured side of his waist is hanging, trying to fall off but unable to because of side that is pasted to his skin. 

Tokiya’s stomach clenches. He stands, throwing open the lid of the toilet and getting his head over the bowl in time to throw up his guts. He somehow manages to make it to the door to lock it, just before he hears a knock on the door. 

“Toki? Are you okay in there?”  
“I’m okay.” Tokiya’s voice is tired. His throat is sore and scratchy, and his torso is on fire. The quick movements and the heaving hurt so bad that he has to press his hand against his mouth, hard, and take a few deep breaths to keep in the noise. 

“Are you sure?” Ren doesn’t believe him. Tokiya hears the doorknob move, and Ren’s sigh. 

Tokiya takes another deep breath, and lowers his hand from his mouth. His lips were sore from where he was pressing the soft skin into his teeth. “Yes. I promise. I’ll be out in just a moment. Just a bit of nausea. Really.”

“Okay.” Ren doesn’t sound satisfied. Tokiya can’t tell if Ren’s walked away from the door or not. 

Tokiya thinks this over as he shakily removes the toilet paper from where it sits over the wound. Tears spring to his eyes, and he bites hard on his lip from the pain. 

Tokiya needs more time. He moves towards the door, keeping his body positioned so only his head faces the crack of the door, the rest of the door hiding everything else. He blinks, getting rid of the tears, and wipes the expression off his face. He looks at the mirror to double check. 

He’s managed to wipe most of the pain off of his face. He still looks tired, but that’s to be expected. The rest of him looks a mess. There’s blood smeared from his lower hip to the top of his ribcage. He guessed that was from all the moving around he did, mixed with the throwing up and the poor bandage. He’d unlock the door and open it an inch, enough to stick his head out.

Ren did move away from the door, but he’s sitting on the bed, watching the bathroom door. 

“I feel kind of gross.” Tokiya frowns, scrunching up his nose. “So I’m going to take a shower. I’m okay, though. Really.” He smiles at Ren. 

Ren isn’t completely convinced, but seeing Tokiya’s face seems to calm him a bit. “Alright. Don’t take too long, okay?” 

Tokiya nods. “I won’t.”

He pulls his head back in, closing and locking the door again. He thinks he can hear Ren sigh. Tokiya turns on the water, and takes off his underwear with difficulty. He didn’t grab another pair, so he was just going to work with these ones. He steps into the shower, to wash off the blood. As soon as the water hits his wound, he lets out a soft yelp. The water disguises it. The water hides his pained sobs, too, as he leans his arm against the wall and presses his forehead hard against his arm. The pain was intense. 

He takes a second to think through this. 

He was stabbed. He had actually been stabbed. The most casual stabbing he could have imagined. They still had four entire days left of this con- he didn’t want to be the reason they cancelled. Even if they didn’t cancel, he didn’t want to disappoint fans that wanted to see him, or to make things harder on the rest of the group because he wasn’t there. He was sure it didn’t hit anything vital, so maybe he can get through a few days if he manages to bandage it well enough, and then he can get actual medical assistance once the con is done.

When he was Hayato, he would’ve done something this extreme. And Hayato was loved, and successful. Tokiya’s mind is made up. He steps out of the shower, but doesn’t turn it off yet. He dries himself carefully, avoiding the wound. He doesn’t want to get blood on the towel. He pat dries the wound with a large amount of toilet paper, careful not to rub the paper mulch into the wound. It works well enough. He opens the first aid kit, taking the antiseptic out first. He takes a hand towel and puts it in between his teeth. 

It was the right decision. It was probably the only thing that kept Ren from hearing the pitiful cries he was letting out. This was the worst pain he’s felt so far, his vision going black at the edges, before he closed his eyes, that was. It takes a moment, but it feels like much longer. His hands are bloody once more when he’s done. He stands on shaky legs and sticks his hands in the shower, the towel still clenched tightly between his teeth. He takes it out to dry his hands, but he’s still breathing heavily. He takes the gauze out next, placing a few squares, and taping them to himself the best that he can. He repeats the process, but only once more. He needs some to replace the bandages. He can’t keep the same one for five days. This is the best that he can think to do. He turns off the water. 

He puts on his underwear, and the sweatshirt, and it hurts worse than taking his clothes off. After a seconds thought, he puts a bandaid on his knee. There wasn’t anything there, but it was what he said he was doing. Even if the pants covered it up. The pants. 

It felt like agony. But he finally got them on. He unlocks the door, and then brushes his teeth. He’s careful to use his right arm, the arm that isn’t near the stab wound. But he still had the nasty taste of throw up in his mouth. As soon as he spits out the toothpaste he hears a knock on the door- Ren tries to open it again and this time it opens. 

It seems to put Ren at ease. Tokiya turns towards the door as Ren steps into the bathroom. “I’m almost done.” 

Ren nods, moving to rub Tokiya’s back. “How are you feeling?”

“Still pretty sick, but a little better. I think I’m going to lie down.” He turns off the water and sets down the toothbrush.

“Do you need me to get you anything?”

Tokiya gives a soft, tired smile. “No, I’m alright.” He kisses Ren’s cheek. “Thank you, Ren.”

Ren hums, watching Tokiya walk past him. Tokiya barely catches the sigh. 

They spend the rest of the night lying on the bed, watching TV. Tokiya ends up being the first to fall asleep. 

Tokiya wakes up in pain. At first he wonders if it might be Ren’s arm, because he and Ren seldom slept without being wrapped up in each other, but he gets a bit nervous when he realizes that Ren isn’t actually touching him. He’s not lying on his side, either. He gets up with a wince, glancing at Ren to see he’s still asleep. He looks at the curtains, and he can see light streaming from underneath them. The clock says that it’s 6:18. Tokiya goes into the bathroom, closing the door. When he lifts his shirt, he sees that there’s blood visible on the gauze. 

Tokiya swallows hard. That isn’t good. He gets to work, repeating yesterday’s process. The painful antiseptic, the gauze. By the time he’s done with his work and is walking out of the bathroom, Ren’s starting to stir. His hair is splayed across the pillow, tangled in clumps because he fell asleep with it down. His face is calm, groggy. His eyes are still closed. Tokiya is tired, and in pain, but he smiles at Ren. It’s sad. 

Tokiya knows that Ren is going to be upset. Tokiya would be upset if Ren got hurt and didn’t tell him. Tokiya is fully aware that his reasoning isn’t going to mean anything Ren. That his reasoning probably wouldn’t mean anything to any of his bandmates, either. But it was too late. 

Tokiya had already made up his mind. He’d deal with the consequences as they came.

Ren opens his eyes. Tokiya’s smile shifts. “Good morning.” Tokiya’s voice is a little hoarse. That isn’t good.

Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “Maybe you did come down with something serious, Toki.” His voice makes it clear that he’s still mostly asleep. 

“I’ll be alright. It’s not too bad.” That was a relative statement. 

“If you’re sure.” Ren mumbles, his voice deep. There’s a frown on his face. Tokiya makes his way over to Ren, brushing a stray piece of hair behind Ren’s ear. His touch is soft.

“Is there something going on, Toki?” Ren asks, looking up at Tokiya. The look makes Tokiya’s breath catch in his throat. Maybe now isn’t the time to think it, but Ren is beautiful. Absolutely gorgeous. 

“There isn’t.” Tokiya answers. He bends down, somehow managing to ignore the nearly blinding pain, pressing a soft kiss to Ren’s lips. This was going to be a very long few days. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure if he’d be able to get away with it. 

Once Ren is dressed and ready, Tokiya takes to the bathroom to do the same. When they meet up with the others, Otoya looks much better. 

Tokiya receives a few concerned looks. Tokiya smiles reassuringly. “Don’t worry about me. I’m only a little under the weather. I’ll be okay.”

“If you need to rest, it’s okay.” Natsuki says. 

“I appreciate the offer, but I promise you all that I am perfectly fine.”

Tokiya thinks he hears Ren sigh. They all get into the limo. 

Today goes almost the same as yesterday. At the panel, the same videos show, and Tokiya recognizes a few faces in the crowd. The panel isn’t that bad. If he stays still, he can easily ignore the pain. It hurts when he laughed, but luckily he wasn’t really the biggest jokester of the group. There were a few times it couldn’t be avoided, but the wince was hidden within the laughter.

He thinks he sees Ren glance at him a few times from further down the table. 

He goes full force with the performance, the way that he always does. By the time he steps offstage, he’s ready to collapse. He’s paler than he usually is, and he’s dripping with sweat. All six of the others boys are concerned over him. 

“Ichinose, perhaps you should sit down.” Masato suggests. 

“We could call a car to send you back to the hotel.” Natsuki offers.

“Yeah! You really don’t look very good, Tokiya.” Syo frowns. 

“Maybe Otoya gave you whatever he had yesterday?” Cecil is leaning in, looking at Tokiya’s pale, tired face. 

“I hope not.” Otoya worries, rubbing Tokiya’s arm. “But what I had wasn’t this bad.”

“I think you should sit out during the Meet and Greet today, Ichi. I’m sure everyone will understand.”

Tokiya shakes his head. He feels lightheaded and breathless. “I just need a moment. I don’t want to miss the next event.” 

Ren’s frown shows how displeased he is with Tokiya not listening to him. Tokiya knows Ren isn’t going to argue with him the way he wants to- the STARISH boys aren’t the only people around. It was a low blow, Tokiya knows. One he’d probably pay for later. 

Ren sighs, borderline irritated. It makes Tokiya’s heart thump nervously in his chest. A bottle of water is shoved in Tokiya’s hand by a technician. Tokiya nods, thanking them, and he has a bit of trouble opening the water. Ren takes it from his hands, opening it for him. 

Guilt settles in Tokiya’s chest. Ren was having trouble hiding how frustrated he was- but the small act of care seemed to hit Tokiya hard. 

“Thanks.” Tokiya says softly, taking the water back from Ren. Tokiya did let Otoya usher him to a chair, to sit for the few minutes they had between the next event. He can feel Ren’s eyes on him the entire time. 

It was only the second day. Tokiya thought he’d be able to go at least a little longer before the suspicion set in. 

He worked extra hard at the meet and greet to seem okay. 

He took extra care to hide the pain he was in with slightly too enthusiastic smiles, and quick greetings. What he heard today, however, changed a bit from yesterday. 

“I love you!” 

“You’re so talented, Tokiya!”

“Are you feeling okay? You seem pale.”

“You’re so pretty!”

‘You seem sick. Are you okay?”

“I look up to you, Tokiya.”

Tokiya didn’t miss Ren’s glances this time. At a point halfway through the meet and greet, Tokiya started feeling a bit faint. His responses must have started getting slower, maybe even a bit strange. He felt a hand on his knee.

“Our apologies.” Ren speaks up for Tokiya when he simply stares at the girl in front of him. “Our lovely Tokiya is feeling a little out of it today. But I assure you that he’s happy to meet you.”

‘Yes, of course.” Tokiya bows his head apologetically. The hand on his knee, hidden by the tablecloth, stays a bit longer than Tokiya would expect. When Ren had to bring his hand back up to the table, Tokiya felt Ren’s knee press against his. 

That wasn’t the last time Ren had to step in for Tokiya, despite Tokiya trying to avoid it. Thankfully, the fans that he spaced out on seemed worried, and not offended. 

They had an extra event later that day, instead of the few hours of free time. Ren approached Tokiya in the backstage area, his face dead serious. Tokiya looks around, but the other boys seem concerned- and unwilling to step in on what’s about to happen. 

“I’ve called the car.” Ren tells Tokiya. “You’re going back to the hotel.”

“Ren, I-” 

“You’re going back, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is final. Tokiya swallows. And then he nods. 

Ren walks off, and a few seconds later a tech walks over to Tokiya. 

“Mr. Ichinose?” Tokiya nods. “Mr. Jinguji asked me to escort you to the entrance.” Tokiya wants to argue, but he isn’t going to argue with the tech. 

He can be cold, sometimes, but he tries not to come off as the diva type of celebrity. And Ren was clearly fed up. Tokiya really didn’t want to push him right now. 

He lets the tech lead him to the entrance, and out the door to the waiting limo. They make idle conversation. 

“You and Mr.Jinguji seem like good friends.” The tech comments. “Your entire band seem very close.”

Tokiya nods. “We are. Ren, and the band. We watch out for each other.”

“I’m sorry if this is overstepping a line, but are you sick? You don’t look very well.”

“Is it really that obvious?”

The tech nods. Tokiya sighs. 

“I’m a bit under the weather. But I’m alright.”

The tech nods, and Tokiya moves to open the door to the car. “Thank you for escorting me.”

“Of course.”

Tokiya gets into the car. By the time Tokiya has arrived at the hotel, he has a text from Ren. 

“Tokiya, I’d like you to send me a picture of you at the hotel.”

Tokiya sighs. He definitely wasn’t going to be able to keep this under wraps for much longer. Ren was already incredibly suspicious. 

Tokiya pulls up the camera on his phone, turning it to selfie mode and taking a picture of himself in front of the hotel, sending it to Ren. 

“In the room, please.” Tokiya sighs. He actually did have plans to go walk to the convenience store to see about more bandages. He still had some in the kit, but more wouldn’t hurt. He heads inside. 

He gets into his suite, lying down in the bed. He closes his eyes and breaths out, before taking one more selfie, not moving from his spot. He gets another text. 

“Thank you.”

Tokiya sighs and gets up. He grabs his pajamas, the same from yesterday, and heads into the bathroom. When he changes the bandages, which are soaked through with blood, his wound looks different. Tokiya knows he should be worried, but instead just puts two packets of the antiseptic on his wound. He wasn’t as quiet about his sobbing this time. It hurt worse than usual. 

He knows this is wrong, but he’s in too deep. It was already all unraveling. He rebandages it. There’s still some gauze, but his supply is starting to get low. There’s only about two or three more rebandages that Tokiya would be able to pull off. He gets dressed. He’s so tired. 

Before Ren gets back, Tokiya is in bed, his eyes closed. He’s asleep before he hears the door open. 

Tokiya wakes up before Ren again, around 6 in the morning. He feels terrible. He’s overly hot, he’s probably running a fever. He’s actually afraid to look at his wound today. 

Despite the fact that he knows his fear is more of a reason to check- he doesn’t. Today he gets up, heads to the bathroom, and changes into today’s outfit. When he walks out, Ren is sitting up. When he sees Tokiya, his eyes narrow. Tokiya thinks his head stops. 

Ren takes him in, looks him up and down. He stands, walking closer, paying special attention to Tokiya’s face. 

“You aren’t going today.” Ren says, his voice lower than usual. 

Tokiya frowns. “Ren-”

Ren gives him a look that should shut Tokiya up. 

It doesn’t. 

“I’ll get a mask. I’ve them downstairs. And I won’t do the physical portion.” 

“Tokiya, I don’t want to argue about this.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I need to go, Ren.”

Ren grabs Tokiya’s chin. Ren’s look is serious, and it’s enough to send chills down Tokiya’s spine- but his touch is still gentle. Ren turns Tokiya’s head, so that Tokiya can see himself in the mirror. Tokiya looks pale. More so against Ren’s tanned skin. His eyes look sunken in and tired despite the fact that he had gotten a lot of sleep last night. 

“I’m sticking by what I said.” Tokiya says quietly. Ren’s frown deepens. 

Tokiya’s eyes shift, look directly into Ren’s. Tokiya didn’t make it this far to stop now. Even if he had to make negotiations. 

“Tokiya.” Ren sounds exasperated. “Please just stay here.”

“I’m sorry Ren, but I’m not changing my mind.” Tokiya knows he does not have the high ground here. But somehow, Ren relents. 

“If you start to look any worse I’m sending you back again.”

Tokiya nods.

“Stay here.” Ren sounds a bit frustrated. “I’m going to go buy a mask.” He sighs. Tokiya sits on the bed as Ren leaves. He was feeling unwell today, significantly more so than yesterday. 

Maybe he should listen to Ren. Ren would probably be happy if Tokiya relented- but that wasn’t what Tokiya did. He was going to go, and he was going to act like he was fine. As fine as he can pretend to be, anyways. 

Ren comes back, setting down a bag. Tokiya looks it, and Ren just sighs again. Tokiya realizes that Ren was wearing Tokiya’s pajamas that he had left lying around. 

Tokiya’s stomach gets queasy as he hopes that there’s no dried blood on the inside of it. If there is, Ren doesn’t notice.

“You won’t tell me what’s going on.” Ren’s voice is a bit dry. “So I got cold medicine and fever medicine. And the masks.” 

“Thank you Ren.” Ren nods, and then seems to consider for a second- and approaches Tokiya. He puts his hand on Tokiya’s head, petting through his hair. 

Ren’s voice drops. “You know I’m just worried about you, right?”

Tokiya closes his eyes, and he frowns. “I know. I’m sorry for worrying you.” 

Ren lets out another sigh. Tokiya feels bad- Ren’s been sighing a lot and it’s entirely Tokiya’s fault. Ren takes his hand away from Tokiya’s head, fixing his hair. Tokiya knows his hair is already kind of a mess, so there isn’t much Ren can do to fix it. Ren then places the back of his hand against Tokiya’s forehead, his eyebrows drawing in. 

“Are you sure you won’t stay here? You’re burning up.”

“Then I’ll just take the fever medication. I want to go.”

“Don’t kill yourself for this job, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is disapproving. 

“I know Ren. Thank you for your concern.”

If only Ren knew the half of it. Tokiya thinks, a sort of humorless thought. 

Ren goes to get dressed and ready for the day. They meet with the other boys in the hallway once Ren is done.

Tokiya had taken the medicine when Ren was in the bathroom. He definitely had a fever, so hopefully this would help it. He grabs a mask and slips it over his mouth, tucking the strings behind his ears. Ren seems to eye the bottle of medicine when he’s out of the shower and seems contented that Tokiya’s taken it. 

The boys look at Tokiya, unsure. 

“Should you be coming with us, Ichinose?” Masato asks, a look of concern on his face. 

“I tried to convince him out of it.” Ren says dryly. “But he won’t be doing the performance, and he’ll be heading out early.”

Tokiya looks at Ren. That wasn’t part of the deal. Tokiya doesn’t end up saying anything.

Tokiya just nods.

No one seems any more sure, but their ride is here. They climb into the limo and go to the convention center. Tokiya ends up falling asleep on the way there. 

He wakes up when the car stops. He isn’t sure if anyone would have woken him if he hadn’t woken himself up. 

Tokiya is positive that Ren wouldn’t have. 

They all get out of the car. Before anyone can get on Tokiya for falling asleep before the day’s even begun, they’re all distracted by a high pitched scream. It startles Tokiya, sending a jolt of pain through his body, but his slight hiss is drowned out by the panic. The band is ushered inside and away from the scene. 

They’d learn very shortly after that about the girl that had gotten stabbed, standing in one of the crowds. She was brought off to be medically attended to. 

“That’s so scary.” Syo shudders, with a sympathetic frown. 

Natsuki nods, looking sad. “I hope she’s okay.”

Everyone seems a little off, despite all of their outwardly idol appearances. That doesn’t stop Tokiya from getting quite a few concerned questions. He’s more out of it than anyone else.

They still hadn’t found who had done it. 

Tokiya hoped that if it happened to anyone else, they didn’t hide it like Tokiya. No one sees Tokiya biting his lip to force himself to focus. The mask makes him look much better than he is- but even so, he still looks very rough. 

He doesn’t even make it to the performance before Ren sends him back to the hotel. 

Ren stares at him, a look in his eyes that Tokiya can’t quite describe. “Something’s going on with you, Ichi.” His voice is very quiet. He isn’t throwing caution out of the window, still, even though Tokiya is sure that no one can hear Ren but him. “But we’re talking about this later.” 

Tokiya is led to the car by a different tech today. This one is silent. 

“Thank you.” Tokiya says quietly. The tech just nods. The tech doesn’t actually walk outside, letting Tokiya get to the car himself. Tokiya is careful to pay attention to his surroundings. He’s so out of it that he doesn’t do a very good job. He slumps into a seat in the limo, but the car doesn’t pull off. Before Tokiya can question it, the door opens. 

Tokiya’s eyes widen, but it’s just Ren. Ren notices Tokiya’s look, and squeezes Tokiya’s hand once he’s sitting. Ren is radiating an aura of seriousness that makes Tokiya nervous.

The ride back is quiet. Tokiya is tired, but he doesn’t fall asleep, despite the fact that the car ride is making him sleepy. 

He doesn’t want Ren to be upset with him. 

He knows it isn’t going to be avoidable. 

At this point, Tokiya wishes he had just brought up the issue when it happened. It wasn’t as if he had been able to do anything, anyways. Besides make everyone worry over him. 

Ren gets out first when the car stops, holding the door open for Tokiya. Tokiya climbs out, and he and Ren walk in together, Ren opening the door. 

“Go lay down.” Ren says quietly, squeezing Tokiya’s arm lightly. “We’ll talk about this in a minute.”

Tokiya nods and heads into the room, lying down on the bed without undressing. Ren does take Tokiya’s shoes off, putting them off to the side. Tokiya’s eyes close. He hears Ren go into the bathroom. 

A moment later, Ren walks back out. “Tokiya, can I see your knee?” 

Tokiya opens his eyes. Ren’s face holds no emotion. It’s a scary expression. Tokiya raises the knee with the now-peeling bandaid, and Ren helps him roll up the sleeve of his pants so that Ren can see it. Ren looks at it, and then looks at Tokiya. 

“Where else are you hurt?”

“What do you mean?” 

“I looked in the First Aid kit, Tokiya. Almost all of the gauze is missing.”

Tokiya didn’t even think to put the kit away. What an obvious way to be caught. 

“Where are you hurt?” Ren repeats firmly. 

Tokiya sighs. He realizes he hasn’t really looked at his wound today, and he never changed his bandages. He hopes that it isn’t that bad. 

As soon as he pulls his shirt up, that hope goes out the window. He feels bile rise in his throat. The bandage is soaked in blood, some of it dried, some of it fresh. He thinks he sees yellow. 

“Oh my god, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is horrified, and he leans over Tokiya. Ren has one hand pressed against Tokiya’s chest, another on his thigh, careful not to press against an area too close to the wound. 

“Tokiya, what did you do?” Ren’s voice is quiet, but there’s still that tone- surprised, horrified. 

“It was the first day of the con. Someone stabbed me.” Tokiya says. His voice is weak. Now that he isn’t trying to hide it, his body seems to release the fumes he had been running on for the past few days, leaving him absolutely exhausted. 

Tokiya can hardly describe Ren’s face. Shock, at first. And then it’s angry. Livid. Tokiya can’t remember ever seeing Ren mad. Especially not this mad. 

But even Tokiya can see the fear and worry in his expression. 

“You’re telling me-” Ren’s voice is dangerously low. “That you were stabbed three days ago, and I’m only finding out because I caught you in a lie.”

Tokiya winces. Ren doesn’t need a response. 

“I knew something was wrong. But I don’t think I could have ever guessed that it was because you had been stabbed, and ignored it.”

“I tried to take care of it. I was going to get help after the event. I bandaged it.”

“Poorly.” Ren says, his attention back on the bandage, but only for a second before he focuses back on Tokiya’s face. “You were stabbed, Tokiya. I don’t know how to convince you how serious this is. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to ruin the event.” Tokiya mumbles. “I thought I’d be able to suck it up and perform.”

“Some three dollar gauze isn’t a replacement for medical attention, Tokiya.” Tokiya thinks he can feel Ren’s hands trembling. “How much pain were you in?” Ren’s voice is quieter, softer. It raises a bit, sternly, for his next sentence. “Don’t you dare lie to me.”

“It was the worst pain of my life.” Tokiya admits. The answer may only make Ren angrier, but how could Tokiya lie to Ren now? He didn’t think that Ren would believe anything but the truth right now, anyways. “It still is. It hurts to exist.” Tokiya pauses for a few seconds, and then adds quietly. “It’s only been getting worse.”

Ren carefully takes off Tokiya’s bandage. “You don’-” Tokiya starts. Ren’s look shuts him up immediately. 

“Tokiya, stop. There’s nothing you can say to me that’s going to get me to walk away and let you continue trying to kill yourself.” Ren’s voice is flat, and it makes Tokiya wince. Tokiya gets quiet. 

Ren looks at the wound on Tokiya’s side, and Tokiya isn’t sure how. Tokiya can’t even look at it. Tokiya can’t even think about it without feeling sick. “It’s infected.” Ren says, bent over Tokiya. “And there’s no way that it doesn’t need stitches. That’s why it’s still bleeding.” Ren looks back at Tokiya with a deep frown. “You’re lucky you didn’t faint. I can’t imagine how much blood you’ve lost. I really wish you’d told someone when it happened, but who knows how bad things would have gotten if you hadn’t done something.” Ren’s jaw sets and he looks away from Tokiya for a second. He leans away from Tokiya, throwing away the disgusting bandage. “Can you sit up?” 

Tokiya tries. He bites his lip to avoid crying out. “Lay back down.” Ren demands. “Next time, just tell me no.” 

Tokiya can’t meet Ren’s eyes. “I’m going to call a car to take us to the hospital.” Ren doesn’t step out of the room, he just stands by Tokiya’s bed as he takes out his phone and types. 

Tokiya feels tears burn his eyes. He’s so tired, and everything hurts, and Ren is angry at him. “I’m sorry, Ren.” He gasps out, trying not to sob. “I’m sorry. I know I should have told you. I just didn’t want to ruin this.”

Ren slips his phone back in his pocket, and his face gets softer. He lets out a sigh, his eyebrows furrowing. He places his hand on Tokiya’s cheek. “I know, Toki, but this was too close. What would have happened if you went to the con and collapsed somewhere out of the way? When I say I could’ve lost you it isn’t an exaggeration. This is serious, Toki. You’re seriously hurt, and you need to tell me these things. I want to know that you’re okay, and I really want to know when you’re not.” Ren’s thumb strokes Tokiya’s jaw. His expression is still serious, but it’s softer and it isn’t angry. “I hate when you hide things in general. But you can’t hide things like this. I know that it isn’t because you don’t trust me, but I can’t tell you enough how much I’d rather be worried and reschedule plans than to be blind sighted by finding out anything the way I found out about this.” Ren leans down, presses his lips to Tokiya’s forehead. “We need to get up to get to the car, baby. C’mon.”

Tokiya lets Ren help him up, wincing. They make it downstairs, and Tokiya wonders how he managed to move around as much as he had been, because right now he was having trouble walking. The driver seems alarmed, but takes them to the nearby hospital. Ren helps Tokiya out of the car and into the building. They let Ren sit with Tokiya as they clean and stitch the wound, hooking him to an IV full of fluids and antibiotics. 

Tokiya has to stay the night. He sleeps through most of his stay, anyways, the exhaustion taking over. Because he isn’t moved to the actual hospital, staying in the ER for his stay, Ren doesn’t have to leave. Ren lets the others know what’s going on, though not the full extent. That’s a conversation better had in person. 

The boys are supportive and tell Ren to worry about Tokiya, and tell Tokiya to focus on getting better. Tokiya gets released the next day with a careful regimine and antibiotics for the infection. Ren pays close attention to the instructions Tokiya is given, paying careful attention to the instruction to get rest and not do anything too physically demanding. 

Ren helps Tokiya to the car. Tokiya is aware, but a little drowsy from the pain medication he’s on. It isn’t a long drive back to the hotel. 

Ren leads Tokiya straight to their suite, and Tokiya frowns a bit. “I should let the others know I’m okay.”

“Toki, it’s one in the afternoon. They’re still at the con.”

Tokiya’s eyes widen, and Ren’s careful expression warns him to watch what he says next. 

“You should have gone. I could have found my way back here by myself.” 

“How many times do I need to repeat that you were stabbed, Tokiya. You’re my primary concern right now. The fans are important, of course, but they’re not as important as you.”

Tokiya chooses not to press the topic further, and Ren opens the door. 

“Now, you go lie down.” Ren tells Tokiya. Tokiya just nods. The hotel bed isn’t quite as comfortable as his own, but it’s far better than the cot he spent the night on. He lets out a quiet sigh. Ren takes off his shoes. Tokiya forgot that he was still wearing them. 

“Jesus, Tokiya.” Ren sighs, running a hand softly through Tokiya’s hair. “Don’t scare me like that again.”

“I’ll try.”

“I’m serious, you know.”

Tokiya sighs, opening his eyes to look at Ren. “I know. I’m serious, too.”

Ren walks to the other side of the bed, slipping his shoes off and lying down himself. Tokiya realizes how tired Ren looks. “You should get some rest.” Tokiya mumbles. He can’t remember if Ren slept last night. 

“I think I should be the one saying that.” Ren’s jaw tightens, Tokiya realizes that he’s stifled a yawn. “But as long as you sleep, I will too.” Ren turns onto his side, facing Tokiya. He bumps Tokiya’s shoulder with his nose lightly. “I’m still very cross with you, Tokiya. But I’m also extremely relieved that you’re going to be okay. I expect that you’re not going to lie to me, though.”

“I know Ren.” Tokiya says quietly. “I won’t.”

“I love you, Toki.” Ren says softly. 

“I love you, too, Ren.”


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning ; There is gay bashing, so if that's triggering to you please be careful

Even Ranmaru knew how soft he was when it came to his relationship. Outwardly to the public he was the cool, if not cold, rocker. It wasn’t an act, either, because he usually was pretty standoffish, and his priority has always been his music. But the moments where he’d relent to Ren or Tokiya were absolutely the softest moments of his life. 

He rarely argued with them, unless it was something dumb that they were doing. It was mostly Tokiya he argued with- he loved the boy but his stubbornness and lack of self care often led to an argument. Tokiya usually started it, but Ranmaru usually ended it. But Ranmaru wasn’t normally the type to argue until he won, at least not with people as persistent as Tokiya always was. 

But sometimes he had the tables flipped on him with Ren. Ranmaru knew very well that he wasn’t perfect, and Ren played the role of the caretaker for both Tokiya and Ranmaru. These were the arguments that Ranmaru finished to completion and then lost. 

Not to mention that even his PDA had changed. Obviously Ranmaru wouldn’t make out with Ren or Tokiya on camera, but the rest of both bands knew of their relationship and they didn’t have a need to hide it when they were just around friends. He’d casually sling his arm around Ren, or hold hands with Tokiya. Hell, sometimes when Ren would come up from behind him and wrap his arms around his waist he’d willingly take the submissive position of the hug without even a grumble. 

He didn’t see anything wrong with it. It was natural to him. 

One day one of his old bandmates insisted that they hang out, and Ranmaru begrudgingly agreed. It wasn’t that he didn’t like his old bandmates, but he still wasn’t completely over why they broke up as a band in the first place. He pushed the feeling aside and decided that he’d spend a night out drinking with his old friend. Just a few hours, no big deal.

When the night came, his friend ended up showing up at his apartment to grab him so they could grab a car together and head to whatever bar the other guy had chosen. Ranmaru didn’t really care. Ranmaru would invite him inside the apartment while they waited for the car.

Ranmaru’s apartment was an actual apartment. It only had one room, but it wasn’t a studio. There was a full kitchen and the living room and dining room were actually separate rooms, not just a large area that they divided off in their head. The room was large enough to fit all of their stuff, and they’ve got a bed big enough for all three of them without them needing to sleep on top of each other. 

They typically still did, but at least it was out of choice and not out of necessity. 

Ren and Tokiya were both home. It was about seven at night and all three of them had eaten, though Ranmaru did go a little light. He wasn’t sure if they were going to grab food, but he did eat a little so he didn’t get totally shitfaced. Ren would be pissed. 

Ren was already going to be waiting up for him. Ranmaru knew that for a fact.

Tokiya was reading a book, spread across the couch with his feet in Ren’s lap. Ren had a hand on Tokiya’s shin, the other holding his phone. Tokiya sat up when Ranmaru opened the door, and Ren stood, slipping his phone in his pocket. Tokiya didn’t stand up. 

Ranmaru didn’t blame him. Ranmaru knew that Tokiya and Ren had done a fan meetup earlier, and Tokiya didn’t have the largest social bar. He was more sociable than Ranmaru, but he knew Tokiya got tired meeting strangers and he wasn’t going to force Tokiya to come talk to someone that Ranmaru had mentioned probably less than five times total. 

Ren was different. He was immediately up to greet Ranmaru’s friend, offering his hand for Ranmaru’s friend to shake. Ren’s other hand rested on Ranmaru’s shoulder, considering Ren was leaning around Ranmaru a bit. Ranmaru hardly noticed. His friend glanced towards Ren’s hand first, and then reached out to shake Ren’s hand with nothing but a nod. 

Ranmaru was a little annoyed, but it was easy enough to ignore. He could’ve been nicer, but Ranmaru’d mind a lot more if he were trying to flirt with Ren, so it could be worse. The man steps into Ranmaru’s shared apartment and Ranmaru closes the door. 

The apartment was very clearly shared. All three of them had interests that were very different from each other, and while to the three of them they all seemed to blend, the place must’ve seemed a mess to Ranmaru’s friend. 

“You’ve met Ren.” Ranmaru says, his voice gruff. He shoves his hands in his pockets. He’s in his usual go-out gear, dark jeans, a plain tee shirt, a jacket adorned with pins, his heavy boots, studded bracelet and makeup and hair in place as always. After all, he was a rocker. “That’s Tokiya.” Ranmaru nods in the direction of the couch. Tokiya looks over long enough to flash a quick smile. 

“Are you still doing music?” Ren would ask. Ranmaru almost laughs. Ranmaru knows very well that Ren was trying to get on the man’s good side. Because he was Ranmaru’s old friend. Because Ren was a great guy. Ren was already likeable. Ranmaru didn’t think he needed to try so hard. 

But Ren’s charm didn’t seem to affect the man. He’d blink at Ren, looking uninterested at the question, but then he’d shrug and go. “Yeah.”

Ren’s smile doesn’t change. It’s just as patient and friendly as usual. It’s good it didn’t, or else Ranmaru would’ve said something. Instead, Ranmaru just tightens his jaw and stays silent. “Where are you two headed?” Ren asks. 

“A bar.” Ranmaru could tell his friend was real talkative. 

Ren continues to go with it, and he just nods. “Well, you two have a good time.” Ren reaches up to squeeze Ranmaru’s bicep, giving him a quick and simple kiss on the cheek and heads over to the couch. 

“Stay safe.” Tokiya says as Ren sits. Once Ren has sat down Tokiya repositions himself to how he was sitting before Ranmaru’s friend entered, with his legs across Ren’s lap. Ren returns his attention to his phone. Ranmaru opens the door to let his friend head out first, but he notices the way the man watches Ren and Tokiya- the narrowing of his eyes. How his lips purse. Ranmaru isn’t a fan of the look. 

The friend leaves the apartment. Ranmaru’s already tempted to close the door after him and stay in the apartment, but he steps outside. “G’night.” 

“Mmhm.” Ren responds. 

He hears Tokiya chuckle. Ranmaru shakes his head, good naturedly. 

“So what bar are we going to?” Ranmaru asks, his voice rough. He’s not completely over his annoyance.

“Well, I would suggest a gay bar, but if we were going to do that we may as well as grab a beer at your place.”

Ranmaru deadpans. Talk about a red flag. “Excuse me?”

“Relax man, it was a joke.” 

“I see you’re just as funny as you always were.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. 

“Whatever.” The man is on his phone, tapping on an app and typing something in. “There’s a bar that’s pretty close to here. We’ll just go there.”

It’s actually pretty quiet while they wait. They just walk in front of the apartment, and they silently stand there until the car pulls up. Ranmaru might’ve tried to make conversation, but if his friend said anything like the shit he just did, Ranmaru really would just walk inside.

Ranmaru is wondering why he doesn’t. He has no real obligation to be here. And sure, a drink sounds nice- but now that he’s not living on Shining’s property he has his own alcohol in his fridge. Not much, but there’s probably enough to get buzzed, and he could just watch something with Ren and Tokiya. It had been a while since they’d gone further than a makeout session because they’ve all been busy, and he really wouldn’t mind that. 

The car pulls up before he can actually convince himself to go inside. He gets into the backseat. His friend raises an eyebrow, shrugs, and sits in the front seat. 

Kind of an asshole move. Whatever. 

The driver doesn’t seem to care so Ranmaru doesn’t comment. The driver picks up on the silence, and so it stretches on for the entire ride. When they stop, only about five minutes in, the man gets out of the car. 

“Thanks.” Ranmaru mutters to the driver, and he gets out himself. His friend is already most of the way in. Ranmaru tries to think back. He’s pretty sure his friend was always this much of a dick. But Ranmaru thinks that he used to be more of a dick himself. 

He guesses it’s probably a good thing that he’s less of an ass. Shame that his friend hasn’t gotten the message yet. 

Ranmaru’s friend at least opens the door all the way, making it easy for Ranmaru to catch it for himself. He grunts. It’s not quite a thank you, since a thanks isn’t really deserved, but it’s an acknowledgement for the attempt. 

The bar isn’t crowded. After all, it’s a random Wednesday night. Ranmaru’s glad that it isn’t bustling. Should they actually have anything to catch up on, it’s a good noise level for a normal conversation. Ranmaru follows the man up to the bar, sliding onto the stool next to the guy. 

The man whistles, raising a hand. “Hey barkeep.” Ranmaru was almost thirty. He’s pretty sure his friend is thirty- but he’s acting like he’s seventeen. The bartender seems a bit annoyed at the way he was called over, but he does head over. 

“What can I get you two?”

“Jack and coke for me.” Ranmaru’s friend grins. “And your fruitiest drink for my friend here.”

“Fuck you, man.” Ranmaru grumbles. “Just give me a beer.” 

Ranmaru’s friend laughs as the bartender begins to make the drinks. “This one fine?” The bartender holds up a bottle and Ranmaru nods. He opens the cap and puts it on the bar in front of Ranmaru, before grabbing a cup to make his friend’s drink. 

Ranmaru doesn’t hesitate to start drinking. He’s drinking heavier than he normally would. He’s at least downed a fourth of it before his friend even gets his drink. 

“So what have you been up to, man?”

Finally. Something a normal fuckin’ decent human being would ask. “Joined another band. It’s not a rock band, but it’s fine.”

“You left our band and joined another? And it’s not even rock?” His friend scoffs. 

Ranmaru gets a bit defensive. He takes another drink and tries to drop it, but there’s an edge to his voice. “My solo songs are still rock. I didn’t really choose to join the band, either. I joined an agency and they just threw me in one.”

“And you just let them?”

“Look.” Ranmaru scowls a bit, looking at his friend with narrowed eyes. “Enough about me. What are you into?”

“None of that soft kid shit.” His friend laughs. “I’ve been living the real rockstar life. Making the music I wanna make, hooking up with all kinds of chicks. Different girl every night.” He sounds proud. Ranmaru takes the statement with disgust. “And I’m living comfortably. How’s your money situation?”

“It’s fine.” Ranmaru grunts. Another drink. Jesus, his drink is already half gone. It’s been five minutes. He wasn’t excited to look at his tab. He wasn’t looking forward to the tip, either. He’d be lucky if he didn’t pay more on the poor bartender’s tip than he did on the bill. “I’m an idol, after all.”

“An idol.” A scoff.

“There a problem?” 

“I guess not.” His friend shrugs. “But those guys at your house. I had no idea you were a -” 

Ranmaru’s look is the harshest it’s been all night. He could see the slur coming as soon as he mentioned Ren and Tokiya. His look was actually enough to make his friend go a different route.

“No idea you were gay.” 

Technically, Ranmaru wasn’t. He was bisexual. Well, demisexual if you wanted to get specific. Ranmaru would just call himself bisexual. It was Ren that brought his attention to the latter, and while Ranmaru guessed he was right, bisexual was the easiest. But he’d rather be called gay than a slur, so he doesn’t correct him. 

“Yeah. So what?”

“Nothing.” Ranmaru finishes his drink. He places the bottle on the bar and makes eye contact with the bartender. The bartender begins to open another bottle. Ranmaru nods in thanks when his empty bottle is taken and a full bottle is set in front of him. Ranmaru notices his friend still has most of his drink. “Guess that explains why you never picked up any girls.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “I didn’t fuck around with girls when we were in the band because I had more important things to do than to get my dick wet.” Ranmaru takes another drink. “Y’know. Like my job.”

“So you’re telling me you were a buzzkill back then, too?”

“What?” Ranmaru’s already starting to get used to his bullshit. He’s not even surprised. He is, however, wondering why he’s sitting here and letting himself get insulted. It’s been about ten minutes. Maybe fifteen. This was going to be a long fucking night.

“Well, your life seems pretty lame, man. Seems like the most exciting thing about your life is your gay harem.”

Well, Ranmaru wasn’t quite expecting that. “My what?”

“If it’s even your harem. You might just be part of it.” His friend ignores Ranmaru’s question. “Seems like that orange haired guy is in charge there.” He takes a sip of his drink. 

Well, at least he shut up for a few seconds. But the damage had already been done. Ranmaru’s clearly annoyed. “His name’s Ren.”

“Okay. And? My point still stands.”

“Your point?” Ranmaru’s voice is flat and unamused. 

“Yeah. You’re his bitch.” 

Ranmaru grits his teeth. He grabs his bottle and he drinks from it. He doesn’t pull it away from his mouth until it’s almost gone. His throat burns. His stomach hurts a bit. He doesn’t really care. “I’m not anyone’s bitch. Just because I can be happy in a relationship doesn’t mean I’m not a man.”

“Hey man, you said it. Not me.” His friend shrugs. “But now that you mention it, I think you’re wrong. You’re hella domestic. What is it? You have the smallest dick or something?”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?”

His friend grins at him. His friend takes another sip of his own drink. “I’m just pointing out what I saw. You used to be intimidating, dude.”

All of the ‘man’’s and ‘dude’’s were starting to annoy Ranmaru. “What? You want me to kick your ass to show you I’ve still got it?”

“Hmm… Give me a minute. I’ll think of a way for you to prove it.”

Ranmaru finishes off his drink. The bartender reaches for another one and Ranmaru puts his hand up to stop him. Beer wasn’t doing it. He’d order something stronger. The bartender would nod, and he’d suggest a drink- starting it with a warning that he wouldn’t be able to drive if he drank it. “Don’t worry.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. “I didn’t drive here in the first place.” 

Ranmaru gets served the drink. After the first sip his throat really burns. Ren was going to kill him when he got home.

Ranmaru gets halfway through the drink before his friend speaks up. Ranmaru was definitely a little past tipsy after two beers and half of his current drink. 

“I’ve got it, man.” Again with the fuckin’ man. “See that chick over there-” Ranmaru turns his head to where his friend nodded. He already didn’t trust this in the slightest. The girl was with another friend. Ranmaru didn’t normally pay attention to girls’ clothes, but this girl was barely wearing any. She’d notice both Ranmaru and his friend looking at her, and she’d bite her lip, pushing her hair behind her ear. Ranmaru sees her shift and notices that her chest is sticking out more now than it was before. Ranmaru’s head turns back to his friend with narrowed eyes, silently warning him to watch what he says next. “She looks easy.” Ranmaru’s expression is frozen for a second. What an absolute dick thing to say. “If you want to prove you’ve still got it, go get her number. If you really want to prove you’re a man, go get her to sleep with you.”

Ranmaru’s still frozen for a second. He’s mostly drunk right now- but the thought of cheating on Ren and Tokiya, especially for a stupid bet to try to protect his masculinity, makes him feel phsyically sick. And his ‘friend’ should really know better than to even fuckin’ think about doing this. It felt like a physical blow. “Why the actual fuck do you think a dumb challenge would make me cheat on my boyfriends?” He’d finally settle on that question, and it’s quiet and flat.

“Does that even count?” Ranmaru grabs his drink. “It’s not like she’s another dude.” 

Ranmaru’s drink stops part way to his mouth. He isn’t sure if he’s too drunk or not drunk enough for this conversation. He looks at the man, squinting. He just stares for a second. “Do you even hear yourself? Gender doesn’t fuckin’ matter, Ren and Tokiya are people. With real fuckin’ feelings. I’m not going to fucking step all over them just because you think that gay people aren’t real people.”

“Their feelings?” The other man laughs. Ranmaru’s done calling him his friend, even for the sake of convenience. “Fuck, man, you sound like a sissy.” Ranmaru aggressively finishes off his drink. The bartender seems to be hearing the conversation. When Ranmaru makes eye contact, the bartender walks up. He lets Ranmaru know he can make him one more but that’s as much as he can serve him. Ranmaru’ll take it. The bartender makes it but the man keeps talking. “Maybe I was wrong.” Ranmaru doesn’t even look at him. He knows that he’s going to say something insulting. Ranmaru was staying at this point solely for the drink. “Maybe you aren’t gay. Maybe you won’t sleep with that bitch because you’re actually one, too.” The man is howling with laughter. Ranmaru takes the drink as soon as the bartender sets it down. “You know, I used to respect you. But you aren’t a fucking man. Can’t believe you can even sit down on the stool. Bet your ass hurts from getting fucked.” 

That insult wasn’t even creative. Ranmaru wasn’t even angry. He’s just so fucking tired. The alcohol hurts going down, but he’s not letting it go to waste. Not after this shit show. It’s not over yet, though. 

The girl from earlier walks over. Ranmaru doesn’t turn to look at her. He just stares into his drink with a scowl. 

“Hey there, handsome.” She purrs. Ranmaru doesn’t react. 

“Sorry about my friend, here. I think she’s on her period.” Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. He’s almost done with his drink. Why is he sitting here taking this? The man laughs again. “You two are quite the pair. A pmsing bitch and a bitch in heat. Why don’t you find your dick and fuck her? Huh, f-” 

“That’s enough.” Ranmaru’s voice is dangerously low. He isn’t looking at his drink anymore. He’s looking at the asshole next to him. He notices that the rum and coke is gone. Even if he was that much of a lightweight, it still wasn’t an excuse. That was the second time he barely cut off the slur. That wasn’t the part that really started pissing him off. “You can have your fun taking the piss out of me, but leave her out of this. No one asked for your opinion, anyways.” 

The girl is clearly offended, and Ranmaru can hear her back away from the conversation. 

“Well. Sluts gotta stick together, huh? But why do you keep cutting me off?” The man leans closer. He’s not laughing. “Why are you so afraid of that word?” The next sentence he says almost doesn’t register to Ranmaru. The man uses the slur this time. But this time it’s not directed at Ranmaru- he’s attacking Ren and Tokiya. Particularly Ren, as he keeps talking. “Man, I bet if you looked that word up in a dictionary, that fuckin’ orange haired guy would be the definition. I was worried he’d fuckin’ attack me to try to get to a real dick.” The man sneers. 

Ranmaru’s fist meets his mouth. Ranmaru hoped he knocked some of his fuckin’ teeth out. Ranmaru stands from the stool, and he takes his wallet from the back pocket of his jeans as his former friend and bandmate grovels on the floor of the bar. Ranmaru takes out a decent amount of money and throwing it on the bar. Enough to cover Ranmaru’s drinks and all the trouble that the bartender had to go through. 

“Man,” Ranmaru spits out, his voice full of venom. Ranmaru’s satisfied to see the man holding his mouth, not recovered enough to stand up. “I bet if you looked up worthless piece of shit in a dictionary, you’d be the definition.” He heads towards the door. “Lose my number.”

Ranmaru leaves. 

He walks back. The entire situation sobered him up just enough that he’s confident he’ll get back home. He’s still very drunk. 

He takes out his phone, checking the time. It’s almost nine. Even Tokiya’s probably still awake. 

Good. 

Ranmaru has no plan on telling them what happened. He’s fully aware that he gets on Tokiya a lot about hiding things like this, but he doesn’t need to get them upset over this. He was fine.

He thinks. 

...Ranmaru may have been a little bothered. But hopefully he’s too drunk right now to remember it tomorrow. 

Maybe he did get too soft. 

Luckily most of the bullshit the guy was saying was straight gay bashing, and there was nothing he could’ve said to make Ranmaru feel bad for liking Ren and Tokiya. He really, genuinely could brush all of that off. 

Everything else was going to be harder. 

Ranmaru doesn’t realize just how hard the alcohol’s hit him until he’s turning the doorknob to the wrong door. 

Shit. 

Luckily no one answered the door, and his minute long walk of shame to his actual apartment goes unseen. When he reaches for his own doorknob, the thought crosses his mind that the door might be locked. So he fishes his keys out of his pocket and fumbles with them, almost dropping them twice but managing to keep them in his hands. He sticks it in the lock and turns it. He removes the key and tries the door. 

It’s locked. 

Ranmaru leans his forehead against the door for a minute, fairly hard. He can hear the thud. Apparently he isn’t the only one. He hears the lock click, and the door opens. 

Ranmaru feels so tired. Both emotionally and physically. It’s a shame that Ren and Tokiya won’t sleep with him when he's drunk. 

Ranmaru’s mostly craving the intimacy- but he can’t lie. He’s the dominant one in the relationship and he’s craving that, too.

Ren opens the door. Ranmaru expects an exasperated look, or maybe a disappointed one, but he gets a concerned one instead. 

“You’re back early. What happened?” Ren’s questioning him before he’s even in the door. He moves to walk past Ren, into the apartment, and Ren lets him in but grabs his elbow before he can go further than the entryway. Ren closes the door with his free hand and then makes Ranmaru look at him. 

“It was boring.” Ranmaru grunts. 

Ren’s eyebrows furrow. Tokiya’s been drawn towards the noise. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Ranmaru says flatly. “I’d rather be with you two, anyways.”

“I appreciate how sweet you’re being.” As Ren speaks, Tokiya’s face shows that he’s taken in the situation and is now worried, too. “But I’d appreciate it more if you would tell us what’s wrong.”

“Later.” This is the most that Ranmaru can relent. Ren shakes his head. 

“Ran, if I wait you’re not going to tell me.” Ren’s voice is softer. “C’mon let’s go to the couch.” Ren hasn’t let go of Ranmaru’s elbow. Tokiya leaves the group, and Ranmaru watches him until he realizes that Tokiya’s just grabbing a bottle of water. Ranmaru’s assumption that it’s for him is right when he sits on the couch and Tokiya walks back over and places the bottle in his hand. Ranmaru has some issues opening it, so Ren takes the bottle from him and opens it. Ranmaru takes a drink. “What’s going on, Ran? What happened?”

Ranmaru sighs, leaning back into the couch. “It really wasn’t anything. It just turned out that he was a complete ass.”

“I’m sorry, Ranmaru. I know that you two used to be friends.” Tokiya frowns, taking Ranmaru’s hand. His eyebrows furrow when Ranmaru winces. 

However, Ranmaru’s expression hardens. It becomes bitter and angry. “Don’t be sorry. I don’t know why I even agreed to meet back up with him.”

Ranmaru knew that his past friend wasn’t ever as bad as he was tonight. He wasn’t what Ranmaru would call a good person, but Ranmaru was able to ignore him being a dick a lot better when Ranmaru was kind of a dick, too. 

Some people get better, some people get worse.

Ranmaru isn’t sure that he’d necessarily call himself a better person, though. 

“Ranmaru.” Ren’s voice sounds a bit taken aback. “What did he do?” 

“...He insulted you. Both of you, but mostly you, Ren.” Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. 

Tokiya is still holding Ranmaru’s hand carefully. Tokiya’s head tilts down to look at his hand. Ranmaru thinks his knuckles are going to bruise tomorrow. “Is that how you hurt your hand?”

Ranmaru’s silence is an answer in itself, but neither Ren or Tokiya talk so Ranmaru sighs. “Yeah.”

“Jesus, Ran. What did he say?” Ren’s hand is on Ranmaru’s knee.

Ranmaru shakes his head. They were getting a lot out of him right now, thanks to the alcohol mostly, but he wasn’t going to tell them what he said. “You don’t need to know. It was just some bullshit from some homophobic dickface.”

The word ‘homophobic’ immediately strikes a chord in both Ren and Tokiya. Tokiya stiffens at his side, and Ren’s worry seems to take on a different level. 

“Ranmaru, are you alright?” Tokiya asks immediately. Ranmaru had basically been getting that question since he had walked in the door, but he could tell how it shifted. 

“I’m fine.” Ranmaru’s response is gruff. “I told you. It was all bullshit.” 

“Ran, will you please tell us what he was saying to you?” Ren’s eyebrows are knitted together and his frown is deep. Ranmaru knew that Ren was trying to assess the damage, but Ranmaru shakes his head. 

“Bullshit.” Ren sighs. Ranmaru takes another drink from his water bottle. 

“I’m exhausted.” Ranmaru mutters. 

Ren sighs. “I’m not going to keep you up. But I’m not done talking about this.” 

“Alright.” Ranmaru says gruffly. He moves to stand up so quickly that his head spins. Tokiya and Ren both stand quickly and they manage to catch him in time. He pulls back his arms and snaps, “I’m fine.” But he’s stuck in between them and a table, and he can’t walk away without climbing over the table or shoving one of them over. 

“Ranmaru, calm down.” Ren orders. The concern isn’t gone. But Ren knows that Ranmaru’s angry and drunk don’t go together well. Neither Ren or Tokiya are concerned for their safety- Ranmaru would never hit them. Ranmaru knew that, and Ren and Tokiya knew that. But that doesn’t stop Ranmaru from taking Ren’s stern tone the wrong way. 

Ranmaru’s speechless. He’s withdrawn. He swallows hard. “Ren, please move.” His voice is quiet and subdued. Ren hesitates, but he steps back. It doesn’t last long when he notices Ranmaru head for the door. 

“Ranmaru, where are you going?” Ranmaru has reached the door, pulling it open. Ranmaru feels terrible. Some man he was. Ren reaches out for Ranmaru, but he’s stepped outside. He closes the door. 

Ren opens the door, not planning to let him leave, but Ranmaru has a decent head start. 

“Ranmaru.” Ren calls out. Ranmaru doesn’t turn. Ren doesn’t manage to catch up with him. 

Ranmaru’s phone is buzzing constantly in his pocket. He finally grabs it around Ren’s third call, and he denies it to go to his messages. 

“I’m fine. Stop calling. I’ll be home in the morning.”

Ranmaru turns off his phone.

Ranmaru’s made his way to the park. He’d sit on a bench and hunch over, putting his face in his hands. 

If he was just going to be a dick to Ren and Tokiya he wasn’t going to just stay there and keep doing it. 

Fuckin’ bullying the two people worried about him. Pathetic. 

Ranmaru’s old friend was right about a few things. He really wasn’t much of a man. 

He felt weak. He was weak. And he was letting his insecurity get to him, and Tokiya and Ren were suffering for it. His chest would constrict. Ren and Tokiya were both worried sick. There was no probably. 

He was absolutely exhausted. Honestly, he could’ve laid down on the bench and fallen asleep- despite the fact that it was fuckin’ freezing and his jacket wasn’t very heavy. Despite his determination to not be affected, he was shivering so hard that his body felt sore. 

He’d deal with it. He wouldn’t start walking home until one in the morning- sitting on the bench for almost three hours. He had certainly sobered up now. 

Not entirely, but he felt the beginnings of his hangover starting. He remembered earlier thinking about how he was almost thirty. Now who was the one acting like a child? 

Ranmaru would be as quiet as he could be entering the apartment. He had planned to go sleep on the couch, but he was barely inside of the door when Ren was headed towards him. 

Ranmaru’s chest felt heavy. He wasn’t surprised that Ren was waiting up for him, but he felt terrible. He’s positive that his face shows his guilt when he notices that Ren had been crying- though Ren clearly had tried to hide it. Ranmaru wasn’t even fully inside when Ren had thrown himself at Ranmaru, wrapping his arms around him. 

Ranmaru hesitates for a second before wrapping his arms around Ren. “I’m s-sorry.” He says quietly, trying to speak around his chattering teeth. “I shouldn’t have ha-handled it like tha-at. I-I’m sorry.” 

Ren can feel Ranmaru’s shaking. He would have seen it, had he looked at Ranmaru before he rushed him. Ren pulls him into the apartment, closing the door, and begins to lead him towards the couch. Ren still has an arm wrapped around Ranmaru. His voice is just as quiet as Ranmaru’s was when he speaks. “I know, Ran. I know.”

Ren seems like there’s a lot he wants to say, but it isn’t the right time to say it. Ranmaru’s guilt grows when he notices that Tokiya’s fallen asleep on the couch. Ren presses down on Ranmaru’s shoulders to get him to sit on the couch and he disappears in the direction of the bedroom, returning with a blanket. He wraps it around Ranmaru’s shoulders with a frown and a mumbled, “You’re going to be lucky if you don’t get sick.” It’s technically a lecture- but Ren’s tone is too soft and Ranmaru barely catches the words. Ranmaru realizes that Ren’s trying to be careful not to upset Ranmaru again. 

Ranmaru would reach out to grab Ren’s arm when Ren heads towards the kitchen. “It wa-asn’t anything you s-said.” 

Ren frowns, but he does squeeze Ranmaru’s hand. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow.” His voice is still too soft. Ranmaru reluctantly retracts his hand. Ren continues into the kitchen. Ren returns a moment later with a cup of tea, and Ranmaru doesn’t bother to try to fight him on it. 

“I know you aren’t a huge fan of tea, but it’s the best thing I can think of.” Ren says quietly. Ranmaru takes the cup. 

“Thanks.” Ranmaru mumbles. He’s still shaking, but he’s starting to warm a bit. 

“If that doesn’t help you should go take a hot shower.” Ranmaru nods, taking a drink from the cup. It burns his mouth, but he ignores it. It at least helps the chattering teeth. Ren frowns watching him. Tokiya finally begins to stir, though Ren had sat on a chair near the couch to try to avoid waking him. 

Tokiya sits up and rubs at his eyes, trying to take in the situation. Ranmaru watches him, and it looks like Tokiya had been crying, as well. Ranmaru looks back down, his face solemn. Tokiya scoots over on the couch, and he sets his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder, his hand resting on the blanket over Ranmaru’s arm. He doesn’t speak. 

The tea helps, but not enough. And Ranmaru needs to take a shower anyways to get all of his makeup off and the gel out of his hair. It takes a moment for him to get off of the couch. Ren seems hesitant, which makes Ranmaru feel terrible. He really hadn’t meant to make Ren or Tokiya feel bad. Tokiya isn’t quite as hesitant as Ren. If anything, he’s clingier than he usually is. Ranmaru makes his way to the bathroom, Tokiya following close behind. Ren follows the two of them, hanging just behind Tokiya’s elbow. Ranmaru stops by the mirror first, wanting to get his contact out. His hand is shaking so badly that when he pulls down the skin beneath his eye, it barely stays. Tokiya and Ren both move closer, Tokiya placing his hand on Ranmaru’s shoulder and Ren grabbing Ranmaru’s hand. 

“I’ll help.” Ren says quietly. This isn’t the first time that Ren had taken out Ranmaru’s contact for him- it was a very rare occurrence. Ranmaru couldn’t sleep in his contact, not overnight, and there had been times where Ranmaru had come home so sick that he couldn’t stand in front of the mirror long enough to struggle with his contact. Ren had taken the contact out for Ranmaru a few times out of necessity, and Ren seemed genuinely concerned that Ranmaru would hurt himself by trying to take it out alone. Ranmaru would nod. He wasn’t entirely convinced he’d be able to safely do it right now, anyways. Ren would press on Ranmaru’s shoulder to get him to sit down on the toilet lid. Ranmaru would sit. 

Ranmaru had a bit more difficult with other people going near his eyes- he was nearly fearless when he dealt with his contact, because even if he accidentally touched his eye it never really bothered him. But he trusted Ren, and Ren was quick with it. Ren’s left hand would gently press down the skin underneath Ranmaru’s eye, and would use his right to carefully pinch the contact, pulling it out of Ranmaru’s eye. Tokiya had grabbed the case, unscrewing the case and replacing the solution while Ren worked, and he’d hold it out for Ren to slip the contact into the solution while Tokiya screwed the lid back on and placed the case back into place. 

“Thanks.” Ranmaru mumbles. Ren would hum. He’d move to the shower to start it for Ranmaru, and though Ranmaru does start to shrug himself out of his jacket, his eyebrows furrow. “I appreciate the help.” He mumbles. “But I can do it.” Ren gives him an uncertain look, especially because Ranmaru’s having more issues with his jacket than he should be. 

It’s Tokiya that ignores him this time, stepping forward to help Ranmaru out of the jacket. “You’ve taken care of both of us before.” Tokiya’s voice is serious. “It wouldn’t be fair for us not to take care of you when you need it.” It’s stern as well. 

Ranmaru stops fighting, and Ren approaches Ranmaru and Tokiya to assist Tokiya. Tokiya’s helping Ranmaru get undressed, and while Ranmaru is really trying to help, it eventually gets to the point where Tokiya sets his hand on Ranmaru’s arm to get him to stop. Ranmaru’s face is red. He doesn’t fight them on it. However, a look crosses his face, and it’s one of defeat. It’s sad. Ren and Tokiya notice, but Ranmaru doesn’t quite seem to be reacting to them. 

They help him down to his underwear, though he turns red again as they help him out of his pants. He’s still shaking pretty severely. “Are you going to be okay to stay in here alone? I don’t want you to fall.” Ren brushes a few pieces of hair away from Ranmaru’s face. At some point in the night some of the gel had given up, falling down over his forehead and out of some of the spikes. 

Ranmaru didn’t feel particularly stable- but he also knew that it had to be nearing one in the morning, if not two. He hadn’t looked at a clock in a minute. “It’s really late. I’ll manage.”

“That doesn’t matter.” Tokiya says. “We aren’t going to bed until you do, anyways.”  
“We won’t stay in here if you don’t want us to.” Ren says. “But I’d like to at least keep the door cracked.” 

“I don’t mind.” Ranmaru would mutter. “S’not like it’s anything you haven’t seen before anyways.”

He pushes himself off the toilet, gritting his teeth. His body feels heavy, and it’s not quite working with him. Because they were given the option, neither Ren or Tokiya leave. Ranmaru leans against the counter to help himself finish undressing, though Tokiya reaches out to help steady him. His next challenge comes in the form of stepping over the ledge of the tub to get inside of it. He’s ashamed to admit that if Ren and Tokiya weren’t there, he isn’t sure he’d could’ve. 

He’s incredibly unstable. The alcohol was somewhat out of his system, but not as much as he thought it was, and between the shaking and numbness of his body he was having trouble controlling it. Ranmaru wasn’t an overly insecure person. Sure, he could be, sometimes, depending on the day- but it wasn’t something that ruled his life. 

Ranmaru felt incredibly insecure right now. To the point where he almost wishes he had asked them to stand outside. For some reason, being undressed in front of them was uncomfortable. He didn’t want them to look at him. He’d bite the corner of his lip, pretty hard. Harder than he meant to- he thinks he can taste blood. Ren had gotten on him before about being careful doing that. 

He stands under the warm water, his head lowered so that the stream hit the top of his head directly. He’d reach up, turning the water on a higher setting, to the point where it was painful, but he’d just let it hit him. He realizes that he’d barely closed the curtain, but as he reaches to do so, Ren stops him, just for a second, and he lowers the temperature, just a little. 

“Your skin is bright red.” Ren mumbles with a frown. “Please be careful.” Ren would pull back- but he would pull the curtain with him, having seen Ranmaru go for it. He pulls it almost the entire way, but does leave it open just a bit. Ranmaru leave it like that. He knows that they can’t see him now. 

As his muscles start to unfreeze, they also start to burn. It hadn’t been cold enough for frostbite, but it was still fairly severe. He stays quiet, but his eyebrows furrow. He was going to be in some pretty decent pain tomorrow. He was already in a fair amount of pain right now. 

He’d somehow manage to scrub at his face and his hair, though he’d let out a quiet groan when he’d lift his arms above his head.

“Are you alright?” He’d hear Ren ask, almost immediately after the noise. 

“M’fine.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. “Just sore.” 

“Do you need help?” Ranmaru pauses. He actually wants to say yes- but how pathetic is that? He already had to have their help to get fuckin’ undressed, and now he can’t even wash his own hair?

He was quiet long enough that Ren would open the curtain a bit, with furrowed eyebrows, trying to read Ranmaru’s face. Originally, he was only going to ask Ranmaru again- but seeing the repressed pain on Ranmaru’s face would cause Ren to make up his mind. 

When Ren lightly presses down on one of Ranmaru’s arms, to get him to drop it, he lets both arms fall to his side. “Close your eyes.” Ren would mumble, reaching across Ranmaru to reach for the shampoo bottle. Ren wasn’t wearing a shirt, which was good, because the spray of the water was starting to cover Ren, too. Ren would start on Ranmaru’s hair, careful to try to get the gel out without pulling it too much. Ren would move the showerhead to help get the shampoo out, instead of moving Ranmaru. He’d move the showerhead back down to apply the conditioner, and Ranmaru’s face is red. Ren washes out the conditioner, and then rubs Ranmaru’s back. “I’m not going to try to make you feel worse right now. Tonight could have gone better, and that’s all I’m going to say about that. But please stop beating yourself up. I love you. We love you. We don’t mind helping you, Ran.” 

Ranmaru wasn’t going to say anything- but that didn’t feel right. He’d settle on the words, “I love you both, too.” He glances to the side and sees Ren’s comforting expression, and Tokiya’s worried one. 

“Are you okay to get out?”

Ranmaru’s shaking had stopped. It was replaced by a heavy aching feeling, and just standing up felt like exercise. He was so tired. He might’ve been able to fall asleep right there. Ranmaru nods. Ren reaches out to turn off the water, and Tokiya stands from his seat on the toilet lid to help Ren get Ranmaru out. Ranmaru does his best, but he knows that he’s leaning on Ren and Tokiya pretty heavily. He hates that. 

When Ranmaru is out of the shower, Tokiya leaves Ranmaru to Ren to wrap Ranmaru in a towel. He leaves the bathroom to go get Ranmaru some clothes as Ren urges Ranmaru to sit on the toilet. Ranmaru’s too tired to argue. He sits down, the towel wrapped around him from his lower stomach to just above his knees, and Ren just grabs another towel to start helping Ranmaru dry off. He works on Ranmaru’s hair, first, getting it almost entirely dry. By the time he’s done, Tokiya has returned with some sweatpants and some underwear. Tokiya knew that Ranmaru had a distaste for sleeping in a shirt. 

Tokiya stops at the counter to grab a rag, squirting some of Ranmaru’s makeup remover onto a cloth, and moving over to Ren and Ranmaru. He crouches down, one hand resting lightly on Ranmaru’s knee. Ranmaru realizes that he must not have gotten his eyeliner off. After all, he only rubbed his hand over his face a few times with nothing but water. He closes his eyes and Tokiya gets work. When Tokiya’s done, Ranmaru doesn’t open his eyes. 

He isn’t asleep. But that’s a miracle in itself. Ranmaru feels a hand on his cheek and his voice is soft. “Ran, c’mon. Let’s get you dressed and then we can go to bed.” Ranmaru opens his eyes, and he nods, though he’s sure the exhaustion shows through his eyes. He stands, somehow. 

“I can get my clothes on.” Ranmaru mumbles. Ren looks unsure, and Tokiya doesn’t seem convinced either- but Ranmaru grabs his underwear and leans against the counter to help himself put them on. It shouldn’t be as difficult to put on his clothes as it was, but he forces himself to continue, anyways. Ren and Tokiya help with making sure Ranmaru stays balanced, but they let him get his own clothes on. Once he’s done, Ranmaru starts to make his way to the bed. Ren follows him, but Tokiya doesn’t. Ranmaru looks over to Tokiya before he lays down, and Tokiya just gives him a slight smile, standing by the door. The smile looks tired. 

“I’m just going to grab a bottle of water and some aspirin for you tomorrow.”

“I can just deal with it. You can lay, Tokiya.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I insist.” Ranmaru sighs but he doesn’t push it. Tokiya leaves the room. Ranmaru hasn’t sat down, yet, even. Ren pulls back the covers, urging Ranmaru to get into the bed, and Ranmaru does. Ren nudges him until Ranmaru’s lying in the middle of the bed. Ranmaru almost never slept in the middle. Typically, it was Ren, because Ren liked having both of the others next to him- and sometimes it was Tokiya if Tokiya had a bad day. The only time Ranmaru slept in the middle was when nights like tonight happened. Tokiya comes back in, setting the bottle of pills and the bottle of water on his side of the nightstand and getting into bed on the other side of Ranmaru. Ren was clinging to Ranmaru, and Tokiya would as well. Ranmaru would have been just barely awake when Tokiya had come in, but would have been out shortly after Tokiya had gotten into bed.

Ranmaru felt like absolute shit in the morning. He was almost thirty, he reminds himself again. Last night he had drank like he was twenty one. He wasn’t that old, but he was definitely too old for that shit. 

Ren and Tokiya were both awake, but they were still in bed with Ranmaru. 

“What time is it?” Ranmaru says, his voice hoarse from sleep. 

“We let the other boys know you weren’t well. You don’t have anywhere to be today.” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow a bit. He didn’t trust that answer. Ren is fully aware of that, but he doesn’t elaborate. 

They let Ranmaru sit up, and he groans. They don’t let him get out of bed. 

“I’m fine.” Ranmaru grumbles. Neither of them believe it. Tokiya opens the bottle of pills besides him, shaking two into his hand and holding them out to Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s already popped them in his mouth before Tokiya can hand him the water, and Tokiya shakes his head but still gives him the drink. Ranmaru takes a gulp to help swallow the aspirin.

“Do you need us to grab you something?” Ren offers. 

Ranmaru sighs. He knows they won’t relent. “My phone.” He grunts.

Ren stands, and Ranmaru doesn’t even bother to try to get up. He doesn’t think that Tokiya would let him, and he doesn’t think that Ren would appreciate it.

“You had it in your pants last night, right?” Ranamru would nod and Ren would head into the bathroom and would come out a few seconds later, holding his phone. “Is it dead?”

Ranmaru hesitates for a second before grunting out. “I turned it off.” Ren presses his lips together. Ranmaru was sure that Ren had figured that out last night, but this must have been a reminder. Ren hands Ranmaru the phone, and Ranmaru powers it on. 

He makes a face when he sees the number of notifications- it’s ridiculous and he almost never has this many. At first he felt terrible, because he thought they were all Ren and Tokiya. A lot of them were. But the rest of them were from his old bandmate. His face would darken a bit when he noticed. 

He’d still check them. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t actually notice the way that Ren and Tokiya were looking at him. He was busy reading through the texts. 

“what happened at the bar wasn’t cool”

“I thought you could handle a little trash talk you didn’t need to fuckin attack me”

“how much a fucking wimp are you?”

“is your ego so fragile that you cant handle a couple of comments?”

“bet that youre crying like a little girl”

“hope your whores are making you feel better”

“id complain about my mouth but you hit like a bitch so its fine”

“you used to be a cool dude, and now youre just a pussy”

“i dont even know why i asked you to hang out. if you ever grow a pair of balls and lose the sluts you can hit me up”

Ren didn’t normally read Ranmaru’s texts. He wouldn’t ever go through Ranmaru’s phone- but when Ranmaru’s face had changed, Ren had read over his shoulder. Ranmaru hadn’t told him to stop, if Ranmaru even noticed Ren was doing it. Tokiya was doing the same thing as Ren. 

How couldn’t they? Ranmaru’s face was hard to describe. It was angry, of course. But the look in his eyes is almost like he did something wrong. Ren hated to see that some of the words were getting to Ranmaru. 

“Is this what he was telling you last night? Is this why you left early?” Ren’s voice is angry. He isn’t trying to hide it, and he isn’t sure that he could. 

“He’s just being a fuckin’ homophobic idiot.” Ranmaru says, his voice a bit flat. He hits the back button on his phone, getting out of his message app and turning off the screen. “He’s just a bully, and they’re just words.”

Ren lifts his hand to put it on Ranmaru’s cheek, turning Ranmaru’s head so that Ren can see Ranmaru’s face. “Is that really what you think, Ran? It’s alright if it’s affecting you.” His voice is soft, but serious. “He used to be your friend, and what he’s saying isn’t alright.” 

“They’re just words.” Ranmaru says gruffly. His eyes don’t match what he’s saying. 

He wasn’t often insecure- but his eyes showed just how insecure he felt right now. 

“Talk to us, Ran.” Ren would let go of Ranmaru’s cheek, but he grabs one of Ranmaru’s hands. Tokiya reaches over to grab Ranmaru’s other one. “I can tell it bothers you. If he spoke to me the way he spoke to you-” Ranmaru’s grip on Ren’s hand would have tightened a bit at the thought. Ren squeezes back lightly, trying to relax him. “I would be incredibly upset. And you have every right to be as well. Please tell us what you’re thinking.”

“I don’t think he’s right.” Ranmaru says, after a long moment of silence. “...I don’t know. I never really thought I’d ever give a shit about how much of a man I am-” His voice is sarcastic and bitter. “But I’m starting to wonder if I’ve gotten too soft.”

“Ranmaru, if you’re worried that you’re not manly enough, I really don’t think you need to worry about that.” Tokiya would frown. “I’m not trying to invalidate your feelings- but didn’t you tell us last night that you defended us?” Tokiya’s free hand would move to squeeze Ranmaru’s arm. “That’s one of the manliest things I can think of.”

Ren leans his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “I guess. But he’s not wrong. I was a very different person. I don’t know if it was better or not. I took a lot less shit. I feel like I’m… domestic.” 

“You’re much better.” Ren says, interlacing his fingers with Ranmaru. “You don’t have to be aggressive and cold to be a man, Ran.” Ren frowns. “And being domestic isn’t a strictly unmasculine either. You stand for what you believe in, you protect what’s important to you-” Ranmaru feels Tokiya squeeze his hand. “And you’re true to yourself. I think you’re exactly what a man should be, Ran.”

Ranmaru’s throat feels tight. He isn’t going to cry- his eyes are dry. But his chest is warm. 

Ranmaru hated showing weakness. In general, and to Ren and Tokiya. But he had to admit that they knew exactly what to say to get through to him. And he really was appreciative. 

Ren and Tokiya let a moment of silence pass, and then Ren speaks again. His voice is serious. “You really scared us last night, Ran.” 

Ranmaru sighs. He knew this was coming. “I know I didn’t handle that right. You were worried about me lashing out and I panicked.” His voice is low. “I snapped, and I left so I wouldn’t make you two feel any worse. Guess I didn’t think about how you two would actually react.”

Ren sighs. Tokiya speaks quietly. “I understand. But please-” His voice is pleading. “If this ever happens again, just ask us to leave you alone, or head into another room. Worrying over you is one thing. We can handle that- but we just need to know that you’re safe.”

Ranmaru pulls his hand from Tokiya’s so that he can wrap his arm around the boy. “I’m sorry, babe, I know.” 

There’s another length of silence. Finally, Ranmaru listens to his complaining muscles and he releases Tokiya. “I’ve gotta lay down.” He mutters, and Ren pulls away from Ranmaru so that he can. He lowers himself with a groan, already closing his eyes. If he was going to be stuck in bed anyways, he may as well as take a nap. 

He felt the others shift. He could hear pages rustling- Tokiya must have grabbed a book. Ranmaru could hear the click of a phone button- Ren. Ren also moves Ranmaru’s phone off of Ranmaru’s lap and plugs it in for him. 

Ranmaru makes an appreciative noise before he falls back asleep.


	6. Chapter Six (Ranmaru x Tokiya)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a shorter story. It's basically just a fight

Tokiya was fully aware that he could be a bitch. 

Sometimes, especially after a particularly bad day, he got himself in a mood and nothing seemed to shake him from it. 

This day started out bad. Tokiya woke up, not only twenty minutes late, but still feeling exhausted. His stomach hurt and his head was pounding. And worse yet, he wasn’t already late. Instead, he had to make his daily commute, glancing at his phone every ten seconds, giving himself anxiety over the fact that he was going to be late. Traffic was terrible, and Tokiya didn’t need to be driving to stress out over that. 

He was in a very sour mood by the time he got to the studio, and it did not improve when he couldn’t seem to catch a break. The man behind the recording studio kept calling him out, in specific, and Tokiya had to bite his tongue to avoid lashing out at him. 

Tokiya was doing just fine, thank you. Perhaps you should get better at your job. After all, you were supposed to make him sound better, right? 

And Tokiya was absolutely certain that, even if he were out of tune, he was not the only singer in the room that was. His bitter mood started reaching towards his band mates, too. During a break, Ren would approach Tokiya, and Tokiya would simply narrow his eyes. 

“Is everything alright, Ichi?” 

“I’m fine Ren.” Tokiya snaps. Ren didn’t deserve this- but he was asking for it. Tokiya clearly was not in the mood to talk.

“Do you need a moment to step outside and calm down?” Ren was trying to be a mediator. No, that wasn’t the right word. The only person Tokiya was attacking right now was Ren. Tokiya would settle with the thought that Ren was trying to calm him. Tokiya did not want to be calm. Tokiya wanted to be angry. 

“I don’t need to step outside.” Tokiya answers curtly. “Please just leave me alone Ren.” 

Ren’s eyes tighten at Tokiya’s response, giving him a long look, before finally sighing. “If you insist, Ichi.”

Tokiya says nothing. The break ends, and Tokiya notices a few, almost uneasy glances being sent his way. Tokiya hadn’t lost it yet. He may have snapped at Ren, but that didn’t go nearly as bad as it could have been.

But if Ren couldn’t calm Tokiya down, the others seemed to have no intention of placing themselves under the threat of Tokiya’s wrath. 

Tokiya got moody every once in a while- it wasn’t entirely uncommon. But he very seldom let himself show it. Usually, he’d smile and be polite, if a bit off puttingly so, but it was very rare for him to lash out. The boys were clearly waiting for his break today. 

It came around lunch. Tokiya is ashamed to admit that he ended up losing it on Otoya. 

“Toki?” Otoya’s voice is careful. That’s the first thing that gets Tokiya. The caution. It makes his face darken. He just looks at Otoya. “Do you want to cut this session short?” Otoya seems hesitant asking. 

“Why would I want to do that?” Tokiya’s response is short and Otoya flinches. Nothing in Tokiya’s expression changes.

“You seem a little off today.” Otoya’s response is silent. 

“There’s no need to treat me like a child, Ittoki.” Tokiya responds coldly. “Your concern for me is useless.”

That look that crossed Ren’s face early is back again, the other boys openly staring at Tokiya as well. Tokiya realizes he was harsh. It was nothing that most of the others couldn’t handle- but it was clearly affecting the soft hearted boy. 

Otoya backs off. “I-I’m sorry, Tokiya. I wasn’t trying to upset you.”

“Intentions are worthless if your actions don’t match.”

“Tokiya, that’s enough.” Ren speaks up. Tokiya purses his lips as Otoya takes a few steps back, going to sit by Cecil. Otoya’s posture is small. “I think Ikki is right. You should head home.”

“Fine.” Tokiya spits, standing from the table. His stomach lurches, and he ignores it, storming out. He hadn’t touched his food in the first place, the smell making him nauseous, but he leaves it anyways. 

He waits alone for the car he calls. The car is five minutes late and then cancels on him. Tokiya is a twenty minute walk away from his home, and he feels physically worse than he did this morning, but at this point he just starts the walk home. His posture is hunched over, and angry tears burn at the corners of his eyes. 

“That damn, useless app.” Tokiya grumbles under his breath. “Cancel before you make me wait for you. Didn’t even bring my headphones.” There’s a bitterness in his voice. “Don’t have time to feel like this, either. Or to miss half of a recording session, Jinguji.” A few furious tears fall down his cheeks as he complains to himself.

And then the anxiety starts to creep in, despite how quick he is to try to ignore it. It keeps coming back. Otoya didn’t deserve that.

Then maybe Otoya shouldn’t have tried to talk to him. Tokiya wasn’t sure how to make it more clear that he didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone.

But it was Otoya. That wasn’t fair.

He goes back and forth with these thoughts for a few moments, before he takes out his phone and sends a quick text.

It’s to Otoya.

“I’m sorry.”

He pockets his phone, ignoring the vibration that follows a few seconds after. Tokiya could give Otoya a real apology tomorrow. That was the best he could do right now. 

All he wants to do is lay down and sleep when he gets home, and then he realizes he forgot his key inside of the apartment this morning in his rush to leave.

He doesn’t even consider calling his boyfriend, Ranmaru. He really didn’t want to see Ranmaru right now.

Tokiya notices that the window to their bedroom is cracked slightly. The window is the level of Tokiya’s chest, so it isn’t going to be easy to pull himself up, but unless he wants to deal with Ranmaru or the landlord, he doesn’t have a choice.

Tokiya has just enough upper muscle strength to get himself up there, but when his stomach slams down onto the bottom of the window, he almost throws up on the spot. He has to pause, dealing with the discomfort, before pulling himself in the rest of the way. The window isn’t large enough to pull his legs up, so he has to fall in. He lands hard on his shoulder.

Another thing to add to his list of aching body parts, along with his legs. That twenty minute walk had managed to take at least forty five minutes, and he wasn’t in the mood to walk in the first place. His legs were sore.

Could anything go right? 

He hears the lock click open, and he starts seething. Ranmaru comes home now? 

Tokiya doesn’t have time to deal with him. Tokiya still needs to throw up, so he moves to the bathroom as quickly as his body will let him. He vomits into the toilet. There’s enough force to make his entire torso heave. Tokiya lays his head against the toilet bowl. He’s so tired.

He doesn’t even want this day to exist, let alone keep going through it. The angry tears haven’t stopped. He starts to dry heave, and it’s painful. He never closed the bathroom door, so Ranmaru finds him, curled over the toilet. 

“Shit, Toki, are you alright?”

Ranmaru walks closer, crouching, reaching out to place the back of his hand on Tokiya’s forehead. Tokiya jerks away, nearly hitting his head on the toilet bowl. 

“Don’t touch me.” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse from throwing up, but it’s cold. Ranmaru’s eyes narrow.

Ranmaru’s clearly trying to be patient. 

“Tokiya. Let’s not start this.”

“So you’re the only one allowed to have an attitude?” Tokiya’s voice is nothing more than a mumble, but he narrows his eyes, too.

“Excuse me?”

“I know you heard me.”

“I know you’re sick, Tokiya. That’s why I’m trying to give you a chance to take it back.”

“I’ve got no intentions to.” 

Tokiya had very few serious fights with Ranmaru. 

They’d go at it every once in a while, but usually when Ranmaru started getting really irritated Tokiya would back down. He didn’t usually want to fight with Ranmaru. Today was different.

“There’s quite a few other rooms in this apartment. Why don’t you go to one of those?” Tokiya’s voice is flat. 

“Well, fuckin’ excuse me for trying to make sure you were okay.”

“I didn’t ask you, did I?”

“Tokiya, you need to knock this shit off.”

Tokiya pushes himself off of the toilet, glaring. “I don’t plan to as long as you’re here. Maybe you should leave.”

Ranmaru’s face is drawn tight in anger. His eyes take in Tokiya’s face for a moment, and then he stands. “Guess I will.”

“Good.”

Ranmaru doesn’t give Tokiya a response. He turns and leaves the bathroom. Tokiya doesn’t move for a moment, glaring at the space Ranmaru had just been in. He hears the front door open and close.

Tokiya stands, not bothering to brush his teeth. He’d just let the acidic taste rest in his mouth. It was a quick fight, but it felt serious. 

Tokiya can’t remember the last time that they went at it to the point that Ranmaru left. 

He doesn’t think that they’ve ever gotten into that bad.

Tokiya wonders if Ranmaru’s coming back.

He doesn’t care. Tokiya thinks bitterly. Ranmaru can stay gone. Tokiya knows that he’s lying, but right now he doesn’t care. He takes off his shoes, leaving them by the bed, and curls into a ball under the blankets. This hurts his stomach but he doesn’t care. He’s felt like shit all day, what does it matter if it continues?

Tokiya closes his eyes. He’s going to sleep.

The room is quiet. 

Tokiya finds himself listening for breathing before it clicks in his head that he isn’t going to hear anything. Tokiya wants to take out his phone to listen to music, but he can’t muster up the energy. He’ll just sit in silence.

He tries to stop thinking, tries to focus on falling asleep. Everytime he thinks he might be able to sleep, his mind drifts back to the scene in the bathroom. 

Ranmaru didn’t ask for that. Ranmaru had been genuinely concerned. 

Ranmaru had given Tokiya more chances than Ranmaru normally would. 

Tokiya hadn’t cared. It hadn’t stopped Tokiya.

Maybe it should have. If Tokiya had thought past his bitterness and annoyance and frustration from the half of a day that he’d just gone through, Ranmaru might even be in the bed with him. 

Or they’d be on the couch, watching something on TV. 

No matter what they were doing, Tokiya wouldn’t be lying in bed in his uncomfortable clothing, dead silent in a bed that was too large and empty to be lying in alone. Ranmaru wouldn’t be who knows where, probably seething over Tokiya.

Tokiya took his bad day and shared it with Ranmaru. 

He didn’t even ask why Ranmaru was home early. 

It didn’t matter. Tokiya didn’t care. Ranmaru’s feelings weren’t Tokiya’s concern. Tokiya reminds himself again and again that it doesn’t matter, because Tokiya doesn’t care in the slightest. 

Tokiya could lie to himself in the best, and the worst of times. But even Tokiya wasn’t falling for this one. 

If Tokiya really didn’t care, he wouldn’t be replaying the scene over and over in his head. He wouldn’t still be thinking of Ranmaru, and how Ranmaru could be feeling. 

Tokiya was a complete and utter asshole. 

Better yet, he was being a jerk to the people that deserve it the least. 

Ren, who had simply tried to help. 

Otoya, who was just genuinely concerned. 

And Ranmaru. The normally ill-tempered man who kept his anger in check to try to be considerate of Tokiya. 

And now Tokiya has to lie there and wonder if he could get Otoya to forgive him. If Ren would continue to give him sharp looks, so unlike the normally easy going man. 

Tokiya wonders again if Ranmaru would be coming back.

He can’t even try to convince himself that he’s being overdramatic. The argument wasn’t the worst thing in the world, but Tokiya had never had a fight where Ranmaru left at the end of it.

Tokiya’s stomach drops. 

Tokiya had never told Ranmaru to leave before.

Tokiya wishes he could take it back. He wishes that he had never gotten out of bed that morning. He should have called in and taken a sick day, and just slept through his mood. 

Why didn’t he just do that?

It’s hours. Tokiya lies in bed, awake, going over the argument. Not just the one with Ranmaru, though that is the one that seems to replay the most. But the one with Otoya as well, though Otoya never retaliated. It really was like verbally attacking a child.

A well meaning child at that.

Tokiya never closed the window. At first the light helped to keep him awake, and then it got colder. Tokiya may have been dressed, and draped under blankets, but the chill still makes him shake. The door to the bedroom is still wide open, because Tokiya never got around to going near it, let alone closing it. 

He eventually has to get up, because he starts to feel sick again. His throat is as dry as sandpaper, but he isn’t concerned about that one. He can deal with that. He doesn’t want to deal with cleaning up the vomit that would get all over his bed. He kneels on the ground to lean over the toilet. He hasn’t had any food or drink, so he’s barely throwing up anything, but it still burns coming up and the heaving is just as painful. His shoulder hurts, too. It’s probably bruised from when he threw himself into his apartment. 

He doesn’t get back up to go to bed. He leans against the bathtub and closes his eyes, lying on the floor. 

The tears start slowly. The sobs are soft and quiet. If they had been louder, he may have missed the front door opening. He stops his sobbing, but his hiccups seem loud. 

Tokiya isn’t sure what brings Ranmaru into the room. It may have been his sobs, but it also may have been the open bedroom door, showing the empty bed. Ranmaru stops at the doorway to the bathroom, leaning against the doorframe with his arms loosely crossed.

Tokiya can’t read Ranmaru’s expression. 

“Why are you still up?”

“I couldn’t sleep.” Tokiya’s voice is screwed. It’s rough, hoarse and scratchy. 

“You gonna start insulting me again?” Rannmaru’s voice is gruff. Tokiya shakes his head, no, very quickly. 

Ranmaru steps further into the bathroom, crouching back down. He reaches out, slowly, to help Tokiya sit up. Tokiya doesn’t move away from Ranmaru’s touch. 

“What the fuck happened, Tokiya?” Ranmaru mutters. 

“I don’t know.” Tokiya’s bad mood isn’t gone. But he’s been sobered down enough to control his temper. Ranmaru did come back. Tokiya didn’t want to send him away again. “But I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “Especially for when I told you to leave. That was uncalled for. It all was.”

“You’re right.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “But the only reason I left was to give you time to cool off. I didn’t appreciate it.” He says flatly. “But you looked like shit, so I was trying to not get into it with you. It’s going to take more than a rough fight to make me actually leave, Tokiya.”

Ranmaru helps Tokiya up. Tokiya stands, but he has to lean on Ranmaru. His body is physically exhausted. Ranmaru doesn’t seem to mind.

“But what the hell got you so…” Ranmaru’s jaw tenses. Tokiya would have to assume that Ranmaru’s trying to find a word that won’t make Tokiya go off again.

“Bitchy?” Tokiya suggests, humorlessly. 

“You said it.” Ranmaru mutters. 

Tokiya frowns. “I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “I didn’t feel well, and it was a rough day from the start. I just wasn’t able to handle it today. I’m still on edge.” He admits. It was very true. His words were coming out slow and careful, and he was thinking through his words before he spoke them so he didn’t slip up. “I’m just trying really hard.”

“Then I’ll try not to make it harder tonight. But I do need to tell you that I get havin’ days like that. Might help to have a plan for them, though. Like taking the day off, or lettin’ people know.”

“I thought I was.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit irritated. He sighs, trying to let it go. His voice comes out calmer. “I thought I had made it obvious that I was having a bad day. ...Maybe not to you, but to the other boys.” 

“You aren’t as obvious as you think you are, Tokiya.” They’ve reached the bed. Tokiya moves to crawl under the covers, but Ranmaru puts a hand on his shoulder, a signal to wait. Ranmaru walks over to the dresser. “Sometimes you’ve gotta tell people. It’s hard to see into your head.”

Tokiya just listens to him. He ends up sitting on the bed, but not crawling into it. Ranmaru comes back with some sweatpants and a shirt. Tokiya is exhausted, but when Ranmaru sets the clothes down Tokiya pulls off his shirt to switch it. He begrudgingly stands, and Ranmaru does help him balance as he changed his pants. 

“Why is the window open?” Ranmaru asks, moving to close it. 

“I forgot my key.” Tokiya grumbles. 

It takes Ranmaru a second to register exactly what Tokiya means by that. Tokiya can tell when it hits him because he mumbles, “Jesus, Tokiya.” Tokiya just crawls into bed. Ranmaru walks towards the door, and Tokiya’s chest constricts. He wants to ask him to stay, but he doesn’t deserve to. Ranmaru leaves. 

But he returns a minute later with a cold bottle of water. Tokiya doesn’t mean to react the way he does- but he’s sat up and is reaching for it before Ranmaru’s gotten near him. Ranmaru frowns, but hands the bottle to Tokiya. For a second Tokiya wonders if he’s stolen Ranmaru’s drink, but based off of Ranmaru’s expression, a bit of concern he seems to be trying to hide, Tokiya thinks Ranmaru had gotten it with the intention of giving it to Tokiya. 

The burning in Tokiya’s throat lessens, and the disgusting taste in his mouth isn’t as prominent, either. Ranmaru walks back to the door again, but he doesn’t go out of it this time. He heads to the dresser, grabbing a pair of shorts for himself, and stripping off the rest of his clothes. He closes the door once he’s undressed and he heads towards his side of the bed. 

“Do you want to watch something or do you just want to sleep?” Ranmaru asks, climbing into the bed. 

“What time is it?” Tokiya asks. He’s tired- but he’s been tired all day. What good that’s done him.

“It’s about seven.” It was still fairly early. Tokiya had thought that it must have been later- Ranmaru didn’t leave him alone for very long. Tokiya had lost track of time while he was busy keeping himself awake. 

It wasn’t undeserved anxiety. 

Tokiya may fall asleep watching something, but he’s really, really trying to be better to Ranmaru. The fear of Ranmaru having left is still fresh in Tokiya’s mind. He’s still in a terrible mood, but he’d rather pull together what little energy he has to try to be decent to Ranmaru. And even Ranmaru doesn’t go to bed at seven. “We can watch something.”

Ranmaru pauses, but he does reach over to his bedside table to grab the remote. He keeps the volume pretty low, and puts on a rerun of something. Tokiya’s hardly paying attention. 

He lies down, already closing his eyes. With the largest problem having been solved to some extent, his exhaustion has returned tenfold. He feels Ranmaru’s hand against his forehead, the touch very soft coming from the man. He brushes Tokiya’s hair away from his face, and Tokiya registers his sigh, very barely. 

Tokiya lets out a soft hum. He’s not awake for much longer after that. 

The next day he wakes up late. Late is an understatement- it’s noon. Tokiya’s first thought was work. His next thought was that he had managed to sleep almost seventeen hours straight. He didn’t even know that was possible for him to do. He usually tried to get eight hours, and even that didn’t happen very often. 

He notices that the bed is empty, but there’s a new bottle of water on the nightstand and his phone has been plugged in. It’s at one hundred percent. He takes a drink and goes to the bathroom on unsteady legs, bringing his phone with him. Tokiya assesses himself. He isn’t in a great mood, but he doesn’t feel ready to attack anything that moves. That’s a step up. 

Physically, he still doesn’t feel well, but he isn’t nauseous. His shoulder really hurts. He goes to the bathroom, but then takes off his shirt so that he can look at himself in the mirror. 

“Jesus.” Tokiya hears Ranmaru’s voice, and he turns around, surprised. 

“I didn’t know you were still home.” 

“Yeah. Turn around for a second.” Ranmaru approaches Tokiya, setting a hand on his uninjured shoulder to turn his back towards Ranmaru. 

His shoulder wasn’t just black and purple, it was also a bit swollen. Tokiya tries to move it a bit, rolling it, but has to stop because it really hurts. Just how hard had he landed on it?

“Don’t-” Ranmaru can’t even finish his exasperated comment before Tokiya’s stopped the movement from pain. He just sighs. “What did you do?”

“It happened when I climbed through the window.” Tokiya mumbles. “I fell on my shoulder.”

“I think you sprained it. Keep your shirt off, I’m going to go get some ice.” 

Tokiya nods. Ranmaru pauses for a second before he leaves. He squeezes Tokiya’s uninjured shoulder. “Glad to see you’re more like yourself.” His voice is gruff. Tokiya nods again and Ranmaru leaves the room. Tokiya goes to sit down on the bed and he takes out his phone. The notification he got yesterday was from Otoya- it was undeserved, but Tokiya also knew it was genuine. 

“It’s okay Tokiya! I know you didn’t mean it! I hope you feel better!!”

He also had one more new message- and it was from Ren.

“Ran told us that you were sick. Rest up and don’t come back to work until you’re feeling better, alright? We can handle everything until you’re 100%”

By the time Tokiya is done checking his messages, Ranmaru has returned, holding a washcloth. Inside of it is a plastic bag full of ice. Ranmaru walks over to set it on Tokiya’s shoulder, “Here, lay down.”

Tokiya let’s Ranmaru lower him until he’s resting on the ice. He winces. It’s cold, and it hurts a bit, pressed into his shoulder, but it’s staying in place. 

“It’s almost one. Shouldn’t you still be working?”

“I stayed home to take care of you. Gotta say, you’ve been a pretty easy patient. Glad that you’re up though. I was starting to get worried.”

“Thank you.” Ranmaru grunts in response. After a second, Tokiya speaks up again. “How did you get off of work so early yesterday?”

“Ren texted me. Said that you went home. He did tell me that you weren’t in a great mood, so I guess I should’ve been more prepared.”

“...I was kind of a jerk. I’m glad you didn’t stay.” Tokiya admits quietly. “You didn’t deserve to take that from me.”

“Maybe.” Ranmaru said. “But maybe I shouldn’t have left so long, either. You were in quite the fuckin’ state when I got back.”

“I think I needed that. A lot of the reason I wasn’t fighting with you later was because I didn’t want you to walk out again. I felt guilty.”

“I could tell.” Ranmaru admits. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not holding it against you. Let’s just try not to do it again. Next time you don’t feel good, just tell me first, before you start yelling at me.” Tokiya nods. Ranmaru ruffles his hair. “You should eat.” Tokiya makes a face. He wasn’t hungry. “I know. But it’s not good to go so long without anything. Let’s just try something easy, like toast or a banana.” 

Tokiya knew that the banana was a genuine suggestion- but it was very like Ranmaru. “Toast is fine.” He’d mumble. Ranmaru would stand from the bed. 

“I’ll be back.” Ranmaru would toss the remote by Tokiya’s side before he got up. Tokiya would take it, putting on some random show. Ranmaru comes back a moment later with some food for Tokiya.

It takes a minute, but he eats the toast, and it does stay down. The rest of the day is calm, and spent with Ranmaru. Tokiya and Ranmaru end up falling asleep together for a few hours, even though Tokiya isn’t the type to take naps. Especially not after sleeping for almost an entire day. 

It takes two more days before he goes back to work- and that’s mostly because of his shoulder. When Tokiya gets back, he gives the boys (especially Otoya and Ren) a proper apology, and luckily none of them have taken it personally. They all seem to be in agreement, however, that he should stay home next time he feels that miserable.


	7. Chapter Seven

There were a few things that had been spoken at the beginning of Ren, Ranmaru and Tokiya’s relationship. 

The first was the rule of it being an open relationship. Tokiya hadn’t really worried about this rule, but it was the unspoken agreement that should they choose to have relations with someone else, there wouldn’t be judgement, and it wouldn’t be considered cheating-

With that came the rule that if the relationship turned into anything serious, the other boys would be told about it. They’d decide what happened after that- if they’d include the new person, or if they’d have one less person in their relationship. 

The rules on that one were expanded a bit more. 

If you have a one-night stand, you can’t bring them back to the shared apartment. You have to find somewhere else, because the other two aren’t expected to lose sleep because you want to have some fun. If they’re joining the relationship, because it’s gotten serious, the other boys have to like them. If they can’t all get along, then it’s time to make the decision. 

Tokiya never thought that rule would matter to him. He wasn’t sure why it was put in place- maybe in case any of them decided that they weren’t entirely gay and wanted the company of a woman? Maybe as a way to give them all a chance in case they found someone else that sparked their interest? 

Maybe as a way to let them decide if they really did want to be in a three person relationship, and to give them an out if they decided they didn’t want that.

Last night was when that changed. 

That rule had been set years ago. As far as Tokiya knew, no one had actually used it. He was out with some older friends, idols and even a producer from his Hayato days. Tokiya would have just announced that he would be out drinking with friends, because whenever he mentioned the name Hayato, Ren would wince and Ranmaru would frown. 

Tokiya was also fully aware that the both of them thought that the people he used to spend time with were toxic, for allowing the Hayato disaster. 

Tokiya supposed that they weren’t wrong- but how disastrous could one night out be?

“I’m heading out.” Tokiya would grab his jacket and turn, planting a kiss on Ren’s cheek, and another on Ranmaru’s forehead. 

“Stay safe.” Ranmaru grunts, most of his focus on the bass in his lap.

“Try not to go overboard with the drinking, Toki. And if you do, please call us. I don’t mind coming to get you, even if it’s late.” 

“Thank you, Ren.” Tokiya smiles. It was nice to be cared for. By both of them. “And I will, Ran. See you both tomorrow.” 

Ren blows a kiss as Tokiya heads out the door. Tokiya calls a car. 

Tokiya arrives at the bar, and he notices the group that he’s meeting already sitting on barstools with drinks in front of them. 

Tokiya approaches, smiling and offering greetings. He chooses something fairly alcohol heavy, but with enough fruit juice to distract from the taste. 

The conversation is casual and normal and altogether fine, until one of the rowdier women demands that the group do shots- and she’d order them. Tokiya really had no intention to get hammered, but when she insisted he joined on the shots she bought, he didn’t feel right saying no. 

Tokiya was an interesting drunk. He was normally more on the quiet side, fairly reserved, and it took a lot of effort to put himself out there to socialize. When he was drunk, it came easier. Not to mention, he turned into quite the flirt. It’s why he seldom got drunk in public- and on the rare times he did, he liked to have someone trusted with him. 

Normally when the group he was with caught him flirting with another random guy standing at the bar, they’d stop him. 

This group chose to encourage him. 

That’s how Tokiya ended up in the stall of the men’s bathroom at the bar, pressed against the wall. The other man was moving so quickly and Tokiya was so full of alcohol that he didn’t have time to have second thoughts. 

When the other man had finished and had left Tokiya to get himself together in the stall, Tokiya finally realized that he had just had his first one night stand. 

Tokiya would turn towards the toilet and throw up. He had rarely felt such instantaneous regret. Even after throwing up, he still felt sick. 

His first thought, even in his fuddled mind, was the rule. 

Technically, he hadn’t cheated on Ren and Ranmaru. That didn’t make him feel like any less of a terrible person. He’d sit on the floor, his head resting against the toilet seat. That was disgusting, but Tokiya couldn’t care. He’d have to go scrub himself down in the shower when he got home, anyways. 

The alcohol was making his mood worse, now. He could already feel the headache coming on. He should’ve just stuck with one, maybe two drinks and dismissed himself home to go read. Bars were nothing but trouble. He’d finally leave the bathroom, and he’d look around for his group to say goodbye, but they’re already gone. Some friends they were. Tokiya takes out his phone, and he notices that it’s two in the morning. Jesus. He’d head outside.

He wasn’t going to call a car, because he still felt sick. He wasn’t going to call Ren- because despite what Ren said about the time, two felt far too late. So he’d start the half an hour walk back home. He’d get lost more than once- but it was the first time when he broke into miserable sobs. 

Tokiya would vow that he’d never go out with this group of friends drinking again. He knew that most of tonight was his fault, but if he had been out with Ren and Ranmaru, they’d never have let him drink that much. And they’d never have let him sleep with a stranger in a dirty bathroom stall. 

Even the STARISH boys wouldn’t let him get that out of control. Hell, even Quartet Night would stop him if they saw him. Ren and Ranmaru were completely right about what a terrible influence his old friends were. 

He’s so tired when he gets back to the shared apartment, but he immediately drops off his shoes, wallet and keys and goes to the bathroom, as quietly as he can. Both Ren and Ranmaru are asleep. 

Tokiya grabs clothes as quietly as he can, tonight all of his clothes are his own. He gets into the shower, scrubbing the smell of sex and alcohol off of himself. Just because the smell of his mistakes are gone doesn’t mean the feelings are. 

God, Tokiya doesn’t even remember the guy’s name. He isn’t even sure that he got it. 

Tokiya was acting like a horny teenager, even though he was already in his mid-twenties. What was wrong with him? 

The water is hot enough to turn his skin red, and he scrubs at himself until he feels raw. He hears a knock on the door, and he realizes he didn’t entirely close it. By the time the knock comes, the water is starting to run cold. 

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is groggy. Tokiya turns off the water, grabbing his towel and wrapping it around himself quickly. 

“Sorry.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. 

“No, no, you’re alright.” Ren lets himself into the bathroom. “You’ve been in the shower for a long time. Is everything okay?”

Tokiya swallows. He needs to talk to Ren and Ranmaru about this, but not at three or four in the morning. “Not really. But it’s not urgent. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

He couldn’t back out now. 

“Are you sure?” Ren seems more awake now. Serious. “If something’s wrong, you can tell me.”

Tokiya just shakes his head. “Like I said. There’s nothing I can do about it right now, anyways. It’s just as well that we wait for tomorrow.” 

“If you say so.” Ren sighs. He reaches out to squeeze Tokiya’s arm. It doesn’t feel right, and Tokiya’s stomach squeezes. He entertains the idea of hopping back in the shower. He glances back over his shoulder, and Ren frowns. “You should get dressed and come to bed. It’s late.”

Tokiya looks away from the shower, and back to the counter with his clothes. He nods. 

Ren heads back to bed. Tokiya takes a moment, but gets dressed and heads after him. Ren’s lying in the middle, but he reaches out for Tokiya as Tokiya turns off the bathroom light and heads to the bed. “C’mere, baby.” 

Tokiya climbs into bed, and Ren wraps his arms around Tokiya, holding him close. Despite himself, Tokiya feels better, wrapped in Ren’s embrace. He’s so tired that it doesn’t take long for him to fall asleep. 

Tokiya wakes himself up, already pulling himself out of bed to run towards the bathroom. He barely feels Ren’s arms release him, barely hears Ren climb out of bed after him, calling his name. His back is to Ranmaru as Ranmaru sits up, alarmed by all of the commotion. 

Ren rubs Tokiya’s back as Tokiya throws up into the toilet bowl. Ren pushes Tokiya’s bangs back and away from his eyes, and that’s all he does as Tokiya finishes getting sick, slumping over the toilet to catch his breath. He bites back a whine. 

Tokiya shouldn’t have drank so much. 

He’s reminded of last night, and the tears start before he can register that he’s going to cry. He’s not sobbing. The tears stream down his face and he’s not able to stop them. 

“Are y- Toki, what’s wrong?” Ren’s voice changes from concerned to a bit panicked, seeing Tokiya cry. He’s kneeling down next to Tokiya, petting through his hair. “Hey, Toki, look at me. What’s going on?” Tokiya does look up at Ren, and sees that Ranmaru has made his way over to the door. 

Tokiya shakes his head, struggling to stand up from the toilet. Ren doesn’t stop him, he just helps him up. Tokiya makes his way to the sink with two pairs of eyes on him. He cups his hand and brings some water into his mouth, trying to get the taste of vomit out of the mouth. He finally speaks once he’s turned off the water. “Not in the bathroom.” His voice is so screwed. Tokiya winces at the hoarseness of it. “We should talk somewhere else.”

Ren nods, and Tokiya pushes himself away from the sink. His head hurts, and he still hasn’t managed to stop crying. Ren and Ranmaru are both clearly worried- Tokiya is the one that has to leave the room to get them to follow. He chooses to go sit on the couch in the living room. He sits on the edge of the couch, pulling his legs up underneath him, making himself smaller. Ren sits next to him. Ranmaru chooses to sit on the chair to the right of Tokiya, so that Tokiya is between them. 

Tokiya did not manage to get out of the middle. 

“Is this what you were talking about last night?” Ren asks. Ranmaru looks at Ren. 

Tokiya nods. “I went out drinking last night with a group of idols and people that I used to hang out with as Hayato.” Tokiya is playing with the end of his sleeve. He can’t look at them. He isn’t sure that he’d be able to tell them everything he needs to if he looks at them. “I drank more than I should have and I-” Tokiya bites down on the inside of his lip. He wants to wipe his eyes but he doesn’t want to seem like he’s trying to make them feel bad for him. After all, this was an apology as well as an explanation. “I ended up… sleeping with someone at the bar.” He’d break. He’d start sobbing, putting the sleeve of his long sleeved shirt over his mouth to try to quiet the sobs. “I’m sorry.” He’d breath out. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have. I don’t know why I did it- I’m-” He’d hiccup. “I’m so sorry.” 

“Baby-” Ren reaches over, wrapping his arms around Tokiya and holding him close. “Ssh, it’s okay. We… definitely need to talk about this, but we aren’t angry, okay? I know why you’re scared, but we made a rule on this.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru says. His voice is a bit gruff, though he hands a box of tissues to Ren, who takes it and sets it on the couch, taking one out of the box to wipe it over Tokiya’s cheek. Ranmaru’s face is unreadable. “Ren’s right. There was an agreement. I’m mad- but it’s not because I’m hurt. We’ll talk about it once you’ve calmed down.”

Tokiya takes a minute, but he finally calms down enough to be able to speak properly. Ren pulls away, but only slightly. He still has an arm wrapped around Tokiya. Ren and Ranmaru both seem serious. 

“Tell us more about what happened.” Ren’s voice is soft. “Who were they?”

Tokiya swallows. “I… don’t know. It was a guy by himself at the bar. We went into the bathroom, and then he left, and when I came back out, everyone I was drinking with were gone and I walked home.”

There’s a silence, for a moment. And then Ranmaru sighs. “Jesus, Toki. Did you at least use some sort of protection?” 

Tokiya tries to remember. He buries his face in his hands, trying not to panic- “Oh God. No, I don’t think so.” His voice is quiet and his voice breaks. Ren’s hand rubs Tokiya’s back. 

“I’m sure you don’t need a lecture-” Ren starts. 

Ranmaru finishes. “But this happened. So we’re going to give you one.” Ranmaru stands from the chair, moving to lean against the armrest of the couch. He pets through Tokiya’s hair. “You’ve gotta be more careful Tokiya. It sounds like it was a lot of bad things that all happened at the same time, but bad luck doesn’t make it any less dangerous.” 

“I think we should change our rule.” Ren says. “We aren’t trying to make this your fault, Toki, but if I can speak for all of us, I think this has proven that our relationship has moved past that rule.” His voice is gentle. “I also think that maybe we should set some rules about going out. Especially going out with people that… don’t necessarily have your back.” 

Tokiya nods, and Ren continues. 

“I think a drink limit might be a good start. Especially if we aren’t out with each other.”

“Two.” Ranmaru would add. Tokiya and Ren would nod. 

“And let’s try to get back before twelve.” Tokiya nods once again. “Are there any rules you think we should add?” Ren asks Tokiya.

Tokiya does genuinely think about it, but he shakes his head. “I can’t think of anything. ...Last night was a disaster, but it would have gone a lot differently had I followed any of those rules. I think they’re good to set.”

Ranmaru ruffles Tokiya’s hair, and then sighs. “On another serious note- you should get tested. I really hope that you got lucky, but you should go make sure.”

Tokiya nods. 

“But the last thing- how are you feeling, Tokiya?” Ren’s voice is quiet and somber. Tokiya stares at his hands. 

“I- feel dirty. I really regret what I did. I don’t like one night stands. I felt like disposable, and like trash. I don’t think I wanted it, but I was too far gone to decide. I don’t think that we even knew each others’ names. I can’t think of any way to not feel so disgusting.” Tokiya’s eyes burn again. 

Ren presses his lips against Tokiya’s temple. “It’s not going to happen again.” He promises, holding onto Tokiya’s arm with one of his hands, the other around Tokiya’s waist. 

“I’m sorry that it happened this way, but Ren’s right. The best way we can deal with this is just take steps to make sure nothin’ happens again.” Ranmaru’s hand drops to Tokiya’s other arm, squeezing his bicep. 

“Thank you.” Tokiya says, his voice barely audible. 

It would be difficult to schedule an appointment to see a doctor to check Tokiya, because of the nature of the visit- but he’d figure it out. 

He didn’t really have a choice. Tokiya was less worried about himself, and more worried about Ren or Ranmaru. He wasn’t irresponsible enough to sleep with either of them without knowing if he was safe, of course, but he didn’t want to never sleep with either of them again, either. And he’d like to believe they feel the same. 

He’d be incredibly nervous the entire morning before the appointment. He had today off of work to go to the appointment, and Ren called in a sick day after seeing the state Tokiya had gotten himself in. Ranmaru didn’t have any preoccupations until later that afternoon, so he spent the morning with Tokiya as well. Tokiya would have woken up and curled in on himself, making himself small. 

Tokiya was afraid. It made him almost not want to go. He had asked for this. He hadn’t once told Ren and Ranmaru just how nervous he was for this appointment, because he knew he deserved to feel terrible for this. Even if they didn’t completely agree. Ren’s arm would wrap around Tokiya’s waist, pulling him closer. Ren would let Tokiya lie in bed for as long as Tokiya chose to, and Ranmaru didn’t have a problem with staying in bed, either, though he’d reach across Ren and rest his hand on Tokiya’s hip. 

Ren would go so far as dropping Tokiya off to his appointment, and in the safety of Ren’s car he would reach across the center console to squeeze Tokiya’s hand. “Call me when you’re done and I can come pick you up.” 

Tokiya nods. “Thank you.”

Tokiya climbs out of the car before Ren can decide if he wants to say anything else. There’s nothing that Tokiya can hear right now that will make him feel less miserable. 

He walks into the office, and he’s polite enough, but he’s also careful to hide his face the best that he can. He walks quickly into the doctor’s office when they call his name. He’s acting suspicious, he knows, but he can’t help it. He’s never done anything like this. 

He’s in and out quickly, with instructions to call in three days. It was painless enough, but the visit wasn’t the hard part. The results were what worried Tokiya. He’d call Ren. 

“I’m done.” His voice is quiet. 

“I’ll be right there, Toki. Just wait for me by the front.” 

Tokiya nods, and then realizes Ren can’t see it. “Alright. Thank you.”

“Of course.”

Tokiya hands up, heading outside. Ren pulls up only a moment after- he must have been waiting in the parking lot. Tokiya climbs into the car. 

“You okay?” Ren asks, pulling away once Tokiya’s in the car. 

Tokiya shrugs. “I won’t know for another three days.”

“That’s not quite what I meant, Toki. How are you feeling?”

“Terrified.” Tokiya admits quietly. “How couldn’t I?”

Ren sighs. “I know. But it’s good that you did this. It’s not better pretending like it doesn’t exist.”

Tokiya just bites his lip and looks out the window. Ren takes a long moment before he speaks up again. 

“I’ve had to take the test. Several times.” Ren comments. “Don’t beat yourself up over this too bad, Toki. It’s very serious, and I want you to be safe- but it happens. And to people like me, sometimes it happens over and over before they finally learn. You remember me, the first year of STARISH, right?”

Tokiya doesn’t need to think long. “Yes. Well.”

Ren chuckles at Tokiya’s answer. “That was the most risque time of my life.” Ren’s tone does get a bit more serious, but Tokiya can tell that he’s accepted it as a part of his life. Ren doesn’t seem to entirely regret his decisions. “I did a lot of stupid things. And I mean a lot. But it took me a very long time to learn from all of the mistakes I was making. I’m glad that you’re not me.” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s knee. “But I think you’re being too hard on yourself, too. And I know that you think we’re not upset enough with you. I want to make it clear that Ranmaru and I aren’t happy that you slept with a stranger- both for your safety, and just in general. But we know you, Tokiya. You’ve beaten yourself up over this enough for the both of us. All we ask is that you be careful. Learn from this but don’t cling to it.” Ren grabs Tokiya’s hand, kissing the back of it without taking his eyes off the road. “We hate seeing you miserable, you know. We love you. I love you.” 

“I love you, too, Ren.” Tokiya says, his voice a bit small. “Both of you. But it’s not that easy. To just let go of it. And I’m not going to be able to, at least not until I get my results. And I’ll be entirely honest, if they come back positive I have no idea what I’m going to do.”

‘We’ll be there for you. If they come back positive, we’ll just talk to the doctors and see what’s next for us to do. And I’m not going to promise you that they won’t come back positive. But I’m also going to tell you that I think it’s likely that they’ll come back negative. I really hope that guy wasn’t a total asshole who would sleep with strangers unprotected, but you didn’t sleep with the whole bar, Toki. It was one guy. Be cautious, but don’t be certain.” 

Tokiya is quiet for the last few minutes before they arrive at the apartment. 

“We have the rest of the afternoon to ourselves. Why don’t we order something, put on a movie and cuddle on the couch?” 

Tokiya would nod. “That sounds nice.”

Ren smiles at Tokiya, and Tokiya finds it in himself to smile back.

Tokiya would end up with shaky hands and scared tears pricking the corner of his eyes as he grips his phone. It’s been three days- and he’s trying to prepare himself to call for the results. Ren had convinced him to wait until that afternoon when they’d all be in the apartment. Tokiya is sitting on the bed, Ranmaru and Ren sitting next to him. Ren’s hand is on Tokiya’s knee. 

Tokiya somehow manages to dial the number into his phone, and he doesn’t think he’s breathing when he calls. He navigates his way through the robotic menu until he’s speaking to an actual associate. 

“Tokiya Ichinose? Your results came back negative. You tested negative for all tested STDs.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya says breathlessly. His eyes close and as the woman tells him that he’s welcome and she hangs up first. Tokiya manages to hang up the phone- but he has to take a second to bend over, his shoulders relaxing and a deep breath escaping. “It’s negative.” His hands move to cover his face, and he lets out another deep, relieved sigh. 

“I told you that you shouldn’t be so worried.” Ren says, running his hand through Tokiya’s hair. He sounds relieved for him. 

“Now just don’t do it again and you’ll be fine.” Ranmaru sighs a bit himself. Tokiya hadn’t realized how badly his stress had been affecting them, too. 

“I have no intentions of doing any of this again.” Tokiya shakes his head. He straightens himself with some effort, and then falls back, his back landing on the bed. He closes his eyes, exhausted. He feels Ranmaru settle down next to him first, and Ren follows not long after. Tokiya’s already managed to fall asleep.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This whole thing has a really heavy Joker Trap theme  
Including me using their code names  
also, warning, torture

Ranmaru met Ren on a mission. Ranmaru was at the party for the sole reason of protecting the man throwing the party. Ranmaru didn’t actually think he was going to be needed, after all, the man throwing the party that requested him seemed paranoid but didn’t have any real reason to believe he was in danger.

According to the man, he was getting threatening looks walking down the street, and heard people outside of his house leading up to the party. He lived right next to a park. Ranmaru wasn’t convinced, but he looked around the property and attended the party on alert, because it was still a job. He had no intentions of socializing, but he wasn’t given the choice when an, admittedly attractive, man approached him. 

“You look awfully glum. It’s a party, you know. You should be having a good time.” The man smiles at Ranmaru, raising an eyebrow. Ranmaru takes in the man.

He’s dressed nicer than most of the men at the party, and Ranmaru can see all of the glances he’s getting from men and women alike. The man’s orange hair is pulled up into a bun, and his blue eyes seem brighter against his tanned skin. Ranmaru noticed that he was wearing earrings. His smile was charming. Ranmaru narrows his eyes. He wasn’t going to let looks or charm distract him. 

“I’m not a party person.” Ranmaru says flatly. “Just here for a friend.”

“And your friend left you standing in the corner by yourself? That doesn’t seem like a very good friend.” The man comments, taking a sip of the drink in his hand. 

Ranmaru clicks his tongue. “He probably figured that nobody would talk to me.” His voice is dry. 

The man chuckles. “I guess he was wrong. But how couldn’t I come talk to you?” He gives a sly smirk. “You seem like you’ve got some interesting stories to tell. I’m Ren.” 

Ranmaru stares at Ren for a moment with narrowed eyes, before letting out a gruff, “Ran.”

“It’s lovely to meet you, Ran. But it seems my glass is almost empty. Could I offer to go get you one, as well?” 

“If I’m still here.”

Ren grins. For some reason, when Ren came back, Ranmaru was in the same place. He should’ve moved, but some sort of curiosity kept him in place. 

Ren didn’t seem surprised to see him. He handed Ranmaru a glass. Ranmaru would accept it with a raised brow and a grunt to represent some sort of thanks.

Ranmaru doesn’t drink from the glass.

Ren takes a drink from his, watching Ranmaru. “You certainly aren’t a trusting person.”

“Good power of observation.” Ranmaru mutters. Ren laughs.

“So, Ran, what do you do for a living?”

Ranmaru had a backstory set up. He had multiple backstories set up, and they were all very simplistic. He wasn’t a terrible actor, but he didn’t want to waste the energy on having a complex one and trying to not be caught in a lie.

“I’m a librarian.” This wasn’t a story he often went with, but he was going with it tonight.

“A librarian?” Ren repeats, amused. “I can’t say I expected that answer.”

“It’s quiet, and we’ve got computers to look up your books so it’s not like people bother me more than they have to.”

“I see.” Ren was difficult to read, but Ranmaru thinks that he convinced him. Not that Ren should think that Ranmaru’s lying. “I’m a counselor.”

“That makes sense.” Ranmaru comments. 

Ren chuckles, “I suppose it does. I work mostly with children, but I’ve counseled a few adults.”

Ranmaru nods. He doesn’t further the conversation. Ren seems to realize Ranmaru isn’t going to. 

“You said that you were here with a friend. Did you not have a partner to take?”

Ranmaru lets out something that’s almost a laugh. “Bold, aren’t you?”

“I try.” Ren smiles. “But you didn’t answer my question.”

“No. I’m not dating anyone.” Ranmaru pauses for a second. There is someone- but he’s still not lying. Neither of them had made a move. He decides he’s going to throw this question back. Even though he knows that Ren isn’t going to react the same way he did. “And you?”

“No. I don’t have a partner, myself. A bit too busy with my job.” Ren shrugs. “Maybe someday.” He sounds wistful. 

There’s some mumbling among the crowd, and both Ren and Ranmaru seem to get alarmed. 

“I’m afraid I need to take my leave, Ran.” Ren says, glancing over at Ranmaru. The charming smile has returned, and his eyes are unreadable. “I do hope our paths cross again.”

“Maybe even sooner than expected.”

Ranmaru thinks that’s what Ren said, but he barely heard it. And before he could register it, Ren winks and has disappeared into the crowd. Ranmaru doesn’t have time to think about it, he needs to find the man who threw the party. The air has changed and something feels off. Ren must have felt it, too, but Ranmaru doesn’t have time to think about Ren right now.

Ranmaru finds the man, cowering in a corner of his room. The man opens his mouth, ready to scream, but then he sees that it’s Ranmaru.

“I told you! There’s someone after me!”

Ranmaru gives him an annoyed look. “Where are they?”

“I don’t know! I was in the hallway and I heard someone start running at me, so I hid.”

“Just… stay in here.” Ranmaru grumbles. He does a quick sweep of the room, before grabbing a chair. “Look, when I leave, stick this chair under the door. I’ll knock three times and say your name. Don’t open the door for anyone else.”

The man nods. Ranmaru leaves the room and closes the door, pausing just long enough to hear the chair being moved. He wasn’t going to fail his mission because of someone else’s stupidity. He starts with the hallway. There aren’t very many people upstairs, and a glance downstairs shows that most of the party had already left. They must’ve gotten dissuaded by the atmosphere. 

If the rest of them leave now, it’ll be that much easier. The hall isn’t suspicious, so he begins checking rooms. When he can’t find anything, he turns back to go find the man. He remembers a window leading into that room. He gets there quickly, knocking three times fast. “Chiro Matsuda.” The chair behind the door moves quickly, and the door opens. 

The man looks afraid. “I think there’s someone climbing up the side of the house.” He says in a hushed whisper. Ranmaru pushes past him, opening the window. He sees a person right below it. 

Guess the guy was right.

It’s too dark to see the face of the person hanging off of the window. Ranmaru leans against the frame, and the person freezes. 

“You can climb down, or I can push you. Your choice.”

There’s a whistle from further in the yard. Ranmaru looks, but he can’t see anything. The person climbing starts to leave after hearing the whistle. Ranmaru narrows his eyes, but he isn’t going to climb the side of the house in pursuit. And he isn’t going to shoot them while they flee- not before they’ve managed to actually do anything. 

He doesn’t need another write up.

Ranmaru waits until he sees the person who had been trying to get in disappear into the darkness, and then he starts grumbling to himself. 

He turns to the man, scowling. “I’m not a long term guy. If you want to keep up payments, I’ll call the agency and get you another person on this case to completion. But you’ve lasted the night and my job’s over.”

“What if they come back? The night isn’t over!”

“Did you even listen? I fuckin’ told you that I’d call the agency if you wanted to keep up our services.” Ranmaru knew that the man was afraid.

That didn’t sway Ranmaru.

“You already know the case! Why can’t I keep paying you to stay on it?”

“Because I don’t do babysitter gigs. I’ve got more important things to deal with than your stalkers.” Ranmaru would admit that this seemed to go more in depth than he had expected. There were at least two people, and there was a leader. There could be more. Ranmaru would do a quick scope around the place before he left, but that was as invested as he was willing to get into this project.

“But-”

“If you don’t stop complaining, I won’t call the agency. And unless you want to cough up a whole bunch of money, you’re not going to get through to the Agency in time by yourself. This is my last offer. Take it or leave it.”

The man seems like he wants to argue, but he sighs. “Fine.”

“‘S what I thought.” Ranmaru grumbles, taking out his phone. The number he calls leads him straight to one of the representatives of the Agency, and he fills them in on the situation. 

“We’ll be sending an Agent to your location, Spiky Club.”

Ranmaru hangs up. “I’ll stay until they get here. If you say one more fuckin’ word, though, I’m more than happy to leave.” 

The man seems annoyed, but he keeps his mouth closed. Good. It takes twenty minutes for the agent to replace Ranmaru, and the party is dead by the time the agent gets here. Ranmaru barely debriefs the Agent, basically telling him- 

“There are some people after this guy. At least two of ‘em. I’ll check around the house before I’m gone, but they ran off before I could see anything.”

The agent nods. Any other information he needed could be gotten from the man. Ranmaru doesn’t recognize the agent taking his place, some younger guy, not big enough in the field to deny any job. Ranmaru leaves. 

True to his word, he sets his hand on his hip, right above the gun he has hidden in his waistband. He’s surprised to actually find someone. Unfortunately, he was found at the same time. By the time Ranmaru’s gun is raised, the other man’s is, too. It’s the one that was climbing the window, Ranmaru realizes. 

“Where’s your partner?” Ranmaru grunts. 

“Are you really in a position to be making demands?” The person asks. “If you shoot, I will.”

Ranmaru tenses when he hears a noise behind himself. But it’s too late- he manages to avoid the first attempted hit, but the person behind him hadn’t underestimated him enough, and manages to catch him with the butt of a gun to the back of Ranmaru’s head.

The initial hit isn’t enough to knock him out, but when the man Ranmaru had been facing walks up to him and pulls back his leg, the kick that lands right against his mouth is enough to do it. 

Ranmaru wakes up with a hell of a headache and the taste of blood in his mouth. He runs his tongue over his teeth, glad to see he still had all of them. He was tied to a chair, the ropes cutting into his wrist. His leather jacket had been taken, leaving him in a black short sleeve shirt. It also leaves the rough rope pressing right up against the skin on his wrists. He tries to pull his hands apart, but despite being strong, the ropes don’t budge. His shoes have been removed as well, and his ankles are tied to the legs of the chair. 

His eyes immediately narrow when a man walks into the room. 

It’s Ren.

“Spiky Club.” Ren smiles. “Or should I say Ranmaru Kurosaki? No, that’s not right either. You told me to call you Ran.” 

Ranmaru doesn’t say anything. He’s still trying to take everything in through the haze of waking up from a forced unconsciousness, and handling the pain from being knocked out. 

Ren steps forward, his hand brushing over Ranmaru’s jaw, his touch gentle. Ranmaru’s jaw tightens, despite the ache that spreads through his mouth when he does.

“I’m sure you remember my name from last night. But I’ll let you in on a name you probably know better.” Ren purrs. “I’m sure an agent as well versed as yourself has come across the name Tricky Heart.”

Ranmaru was very familiar with that name. Tricky Heart was, as his name would imply, tricky. Ranmaru had heard of the problems that he’s caused, but he’s never run into the man himself. Until last night, apparently. 

“Why were you after that guy?” Ranmaru finally speaks. He’s reminded once again of the soreness in his mouth. He fuckin’ hated being knocked out. This wasn’t the first time.

“He was just a side project. An annoyance. We had no idea we’d get lucky enough that they’d send you to take care of it.” Ren’s hand trails down Ranmaru’s chest. “It was surprisingly easy to get you.”

“Fuck you.” 

“Now, now. Be nice.” Ren’s knee lands on the chair, on the small part of the wood that Ranmaru isn’t taking up, between his legs. His hand moves to the back of the chair, and he’s leaning over Ranmaru at this point. He’s so close to Ranmaru’s face. “It’s in your best interest to play along. Just tell me what I need to know, and you’ll be fine.”

“Threats don’t work on me. I’m not afraid of you. And I’m not telling you shit, either.” 

Ren sighs. “I hope you change your mind.”

Ren leaves. It doesn’t take long for someone else to reenter the room that Ranmaru’s in. It isn’t Ren. 

The man is carrying a cloth, and there seems to be items inside of it. Tools. 

Oh. Ranmaru realizes. Torture. How fun. 

This was going to be a long night. 

It feels like forever, though it’s really closer to an hour or two. Pain really does slow down time. Ranmaru doesn’t break, and he doesn’t give any information- not that this man really seems interested in listening. 

He does give the obligatory ten second breaks, just long enough to ask Ranmaru if he’s ready to talk, and long enough for Ranmaru to let out some sort of explicative. They get weaker as the session progresses, but Ranmaru doesn’t give in. 

By the time the man finally puts away the tools, quite a few of them covered in blood, Ranmaru is slumped over in the chair. His ankle is definitely broken, as well as a few fingers. His nose is broken, too, and he’s positive he’s got at least one black eye. He has a few cuts, especially on his stomach, that would need stitches, and there’s going to be bruising on most of his body. He’s missing a tooth. So much for having all of them. 

That last thought was so tired. Ranmaru was strong, and his pain tolerance was high- but no one handled torture well. Not even Ranmaru. 

He wasn’t left alone for long. He’d tense up, pain shooting through his body at the movement, when he saw Ren enter. Ren was holding a box. Ranmaru would’ve recognized it as a first-aid kit if he hadn’t dismissed the thought so quickly. 

But when Ren opened it and Ranmaru noticed first-aid supplies, Ranmaru convinced himself it was to keep him alive so they could continue. 

Ranmaru’s explanation to himself was weak. He was injured, and he was in pain- but he wasn’t on the brink of death. Not even near it. It was a little soon to break out the first aid. 

That didn’t stop Ren from crouching down in front of Ranmaru and getting to work. He’d take a cloth out of the box, wiping the blood from Ranmaru’s face gently. Assessing the damage. Ranmaru’s expression remains hard. Ren’s thumb brushes over Ranmaru’s cheek before he examines Ranmaru’s chest. His shirt had been open, so it was easy to see his injuries. Ren digs through the chest, taking out a needle and thread, and Ranmaru winces before Ren even starts. 

“Just stay still. I’ll try to make this fast.” Ren does. He’s very quick and fluid, and it doesn’t hurt as badly as Ranmaru thought it would. Ren finishes, and bandages what he can. “This is going to hurt more.” Ren begins to set Ranmaru’s bones. First, his ankle. Ranmaru isn’t quiet. Then his fingers. Ranmaru is quieter about that. Lastly, his nose. Ranmaru groans. 

“If you just answer my questions, I can make all of this stop, Ran.”

“Fuck you.” Ranmaru’s answer isn’t very passionate. He isn’t worried about biting the hand that feeds him, though- because he doesn’t trust Ren. Even though Ren’s been careful in fixing him up. After all, Ranmaru’s pretty sure that Ren is the one giving the orders, after all. Ranmaru’s pretty sure that Ren’s trying to gain his trust.

Ranmaru’s main talent wasn’t intelligence, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t smart.

Ren just sighs. “I do hope you change your mind. It’s unfortunate seeing you like this.”

“Sure.” Ranmaru scoffs. 

“This is all a part of the job, darling. I hate that we’re resorting to violence, but it’s the only answer that seems to resonate.” Ren’s hand ghosts over Ranmaru’s bruised cheek. “I’m sure you understand, Spiky Club. You’re the strength, aren’t you? Haven’t you been in this position before?”

“Torturing people?” Ranmaru spits out. “No. I haven’t.”

“I’m not saying you’re behind it. But can you honestly tell me that you haven’t witnessed it and stood by?” Ren’s voice is quiet. 

Ranmaru is seething. But Ren is right. Ranmaru had never actually stood in on a torture session, because personally the idea made him sick. But he knew that the agency had tortured people, and had even been asked to lead a session before- though when he adamantly refused they had backed off. He had only been asked once.

“I’m only trying to explain my position. Just because I don’t like this doesn’t mean I can stop it.” Ren frowns. Ranmaru has to remind himself that Ren’s clearly skilled in socialization- because Ranmaru almost starts to believe Ren. He can almost tell himself that Ren’s excuse makes sense. Ranmaru’s not desperate enough for a friend here to fall for Ren’s lies. 

Ren brought up that Ranmaru’s special skill was his strength- looks like Ranmaru found Ren’s special skill. And as if reading his thoughts, Ren confirms them. 

“I’m the spokesperson, Ran. I’m here to get answers, and that’s all I’m here for. I’m not the one telling Majestic Spade to hurt you.” Majestic Spade. What a pretentious name. “But the only way for me to stop him is if I can give my higher ups information. And I can only get that from you.”

Ranmaru makes a noise in the back of his throat. He’s not going to buy into Ren’s bullshit. 

Ren sighs. He leaves the room. 

There’s nothing in the room to help Ranmaru tell the time. Ren ends up coming back, and Ranmaru doesn’t think it’s very long after he left. He can’t tell. Ren’s holding food, and a bottle of water- but Ranmaru isn’t nearly broken enough to let Ren feed him, so nothing comes from that. 

Despite Ren’s attempts. 

“C’mon Ran.”

“No.”

“I didn’t see you eat or drink anything last night. You must be thirsty, at least.”

“No.”

“If you’re worried about me feeding you, no one but you and I will ever know.”

“No.”

“I can’t force you.” Ren sighs, relenting. “But if I leave, I can’t bring you anything again until tomorrow.”

Ranmaru’s lack of response makes Ren shake his head, but Ren leaves the room. 

The man that Ranmaru can only assume is Majestic Spade is the next to return, and it must be the next day because Ranmaru managed to fall asleep. Ranmaru gets a closer look at the guy, now, while he can. 

He was going to be distracted in a minute, he was sure. 

Majestic Spade had hair as long as Ren’s, pulled back in a low bun. It was blonde. His face was sharp and his eyes were cold, a color similar to ice. He was a tall man, and today he had a whip, attached to a harness on his side. He had the same cloth, but Ranmaru could tell the tools had been cleaned. 

At least his wounds wouldn’t get infected. His thought was dry. 

Majestic Spade hasn’t spoken a word. Ranmaru assumes he isn’t going to. That’s fine. 

Majestic Spade didn’t need to speak for Ranmaru to hate him. 

The session starts again. This goes on for what feels like years, considering Ranmaru loses track of time- but it’s been about three weeks, going on four. 

Every single day Ren had visited him. 

After every single session, Ren would come in with the first aid box, kneeling down in front of him and taking care of the wounds that he could. He’d restitch all of the wounds that Majestic Spade, who Ranmaru would learn is really called Camus, had reopened, and he’d set any newly broken bones. There were a few fingers that Ranmaru wondered if he’d ever be able to move right again. He wondered how long it would take him to be able to walk again, when he got out. If he ever got out. There wasn’t anything could be done about the bruises that covered almost all of Ranmaru’s body, but they weren’t as bad as the cuts, or the broken bones. 

Ranmaru had trouble being in the dark, now. He’d shy away from fire, too. He was quiet. There was so much less resistance in him. 

He still never said anything.

Toki worked at his agency. If he gave Ren information, Toki could get hurt. Toki could go through what Ranmaru was going through, and Ranmaru would rather die before letting that happen to him. 

If it was breaking Ranmaru down this much, he didn’t even want to imagine what it could do to Toki. Toki wasn’t weak- but Ranmaru doesn’t think that Tokiya could handle this. 

Ren asked him everyday if he’d talk. Ren came by everyday with some food and some water. Ranmaru lasted until the third day before he relented to letting Ren help him drink. It took him five before he let Ren feed him. Ranmaru was so much smaller than he was when he came. Ranmaru could see his ribs if he looked down. Everything always hurt, but his arms especially. Ren had started untying the ropes to clean the cuts around his wrist, and had even put some cloth against the rope, to keep it from cutting into his wrists as badly. 

Ranmaru was there over his birthday. That was the first day that he had cried. He had no idea what the day was, until Ren came in and sat down, leaning against the wall across from Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru hadn’t meant to start trusting Ren. He wasn’t sure that trust was the right word- he knew that Ren lied to him, and he knew Ren lied often. But Ren and Camus were the only people Ranmaru saw, and not only did Ren not hurt him, but when Ranmaru saw Ren it was a sign that the pain was done, at least for the day. He began waiting for Ren. Wishing Ren would walk in. 

The day when Ren sat across from Ranmaru, Camus didn’t come in. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Ranmaru asks tiredly. He was always tired. His voice was pretty hoarse, too. Something else that had become normal, considering Ranmaru rarely talked aloud anymore. 

“It’s your birthday.” Ren sits with his knees bent and his arms wrapped around his legs. “I’m sorry that there isn’t much I can do, but I made sure you got a break today.”

His birthday. Ranmaru never celebrated it, but Toki would usually do something for him. That’s the thought that made Ranmaru begin to cry. 

He was tired, and it hurt, and now he was thirty and he wouldn’t even get to see Tokiya. He felt like a little kid, but he couldn’t care. He’d let himself break down, and it would start slow. Ranmaru’s head would drop, and the tears would start slowly and build up until they were sobs. He would hear Ren sob, and he’d feel Ren’s arms wrap around him. He’d flinch, at first, but when Ren didn’t pull away he’d relax. It felt nice to have someone touch him. To just touch him, and not to hit him, or hurt him. A touch meant to comfort. Ranmaru never thought he’d be the type to crave human contact, but he’d let Ren hold him, and he’d cry into Ren’s shoulder. 

Ren wouldn’t let him go until Ranmaru’s after sob hiccups had stopped completely, and even then, he’s slow to pull away. Ranmaru is sure that he looks empty. He feels empty. 

It’s not easy, trying to act like he can handle being hurt, over and over and over. He feels fear every time the door opens, because he’s so afraid that it’s Camus, and that it’s going to start again. Ren uses his thumbs to brush the remaining tears off of Ranmaru’s face, though there aren’t many that remain. 

Ren doesn’t ask him for information that day. 

Ranmaru gets two meals. 

Ranmaru didn’t want to fall for Ren. He had no intentions to start having feelings for Ren. He wanted to hate Ren. Ren was behind this, Ranmaru was positive. Ren told him often that he wanted to stop Ranmaru’s torture sessions, but that had to be bullshit because if he cared that much Ranmaru wouldn’t be getting tortured. 

But Ranmaru had gotten desperate. Ren was nice to him, and Ren’s flirtatious nature had finally gotten through to Ranmaru. Ranmaru knew that Ren could see his resolve break, and the different look in Ranmaru’s eyes when Ran looked at Ren. The way that Ranmaru would be slumped in his chair, his eyes blank, until Ren walked in the room and Ranmaru would sit up, straining against the ropes. The nearly crazed look in Ranmaru’s eyes. The excitement. 

If Ranmaru were in a good state of mind, he’d notice how there was a look in Ren’s eyes that could only be described as smug. Ren knew exactly what he was doing, and Ranmaru had fallen for it. 

Ren would go with it, though. His small affectionate actions would increase, as well as his pet names. The moments that Ranmaru used to find embarrassing and aggravating, like when Ren would feed him, had gone from annoying to something that he looked forward to. He was becoming dependant on Ren. 

Ren had missed a day. 

Camus had done the session that day, but the next time the door opened, it was Camus. 

Ranmaru’s insane amount of relief when Ren came back almost broke through to him with its absurdity. He shouldn’t have been so excited to see Ren, but he’d strain against the ropes, desperate to get to Ren. 

Ren would cross the room, placing his hand on Ranmaru’s cheek, and Ranmaru would lean into it, like an animal when their owner comes home. Ranmaru is too distracted by the fact that Ren is back to notice that Ren seems satisfied after seeing how whipped Ranmaru is. 

The only thing that Ranmaru could really respect Ren for is the way that he doesn’t lie when he tells Ranmaru that he’s leaving it up to him to give him information. Sure, Ranmaru’s being tortured. But Ren doesn’t add on the stress of threatening him with the infatuation Ranmaru’s gotten with Ren. Ranmaru still wouldn’t talk, but he doesn’t think he could handle that. 

“I’m sorry, baby.” Ren purrs. “I had to go deal with something. But I’m back now.” Ren didn’t have the first aid kit. Ranmaru was thrown off, and Ren catches his wandering eyes. 

“You’re not going to need that yet.” Ren says quietly. 

“What?” Ranmaru’s voice is scratchy, and it’s panicked. He can’t hide it. 

“I’m sorry, Ran.” Ren pets through Ranmaru’s hair. It’s oily, and gross. Ren doesn’t react to it. 

That’s all Ren says on that. He stays, until there’s a knock on the door. Ren leans down and presses his lips to Ranmaru’s forehead. Ranmaru can’t help the tears that burn at the corners of his eyes. He was afraid. He was so over the edge that he wasn’t even embarrassed to admit it anymore. He watches Ren leave, helplessly. 

Camus walks in. 

This was the worst session yet. By the time Camus had left, Ranmaru was barely conscious. He was coughing up blood, he was sure he had a dislocated shoulder and he thinks the other arm was broken. He definitely had some ribs that were at best, cracked, and at worst, broken. Breathing hurt. Living hurt. 

He had a deep gash in his stomach, and it’s a miracle that blood is the only thing leaking out. He’s bit off part of his tongue, and even with that he still hadn’t managed to remain entirely quiet. He had multiple missing nails and his lungs burned. There was a dark bruise around his throat in the shape of a hand. He doesn’t have the energy to sit up when he hears the door open. It takes everything in him not to slump back over when Ren straightens him. 

Ren gets to work, quietly. 

“Please talk to me, Ran. Please end this.”

“Just kill me.” Ranmaru says quietly. “You have to know I won’t talk. I can’t take this anymore.”

“Why?” Ren stops from his first-aid to look up at Ranmaru. “What’s worth this? “

“I don’t know why you want any info that you think I have as badly as you do- but there are people there that don’t deserve me talking. I’m sure the heads of the agency are a piece of shit- but there are so many workers underneath them that could get hurt. From you, or even my own agency. I’m not going to do that to them. Even if I die for it. Even if I can’t die for it, and I’m stuck in this hell forever. It’s better than condemning them to it, too.” 

Ranmaru had never been this chatty before. He was just so tired. Not enough to crack- but he’s cracking as much as he ever would. 

“Then talk to me. We can make sure that nothing happens to those people. You might not believe me, but we aren’t the bad guys, Ran.”

“You’re right. I don’t believe you. There aren’t any good guys, Ren. They’re all bad guys. And I fucking hate to admit it, but I love you. You won. I know that was your goal. But even though I love you, I don’t trust you. I’m never going to trust you. I can ignore almost everything- all the lies I know you’re telling me. But I’m never going to bend on this. It doesn’t matter what you strings you pull, I’m not going to tell you what you want to know. I’m not sorry for that, either.”

“I know, Ran.” Ren says quietly. “I think I’ve known from the day I brought you here.” This sounds genuine. Ranmaru still doesn’t know if he can believe it. “This might be the last time we can see each other, Ran.”

Ranmaru wants to ask why. Were they going to kill him, now that Ren couldn’t convince him to talk? At least this would all end. 

Poor Toki.

Maybe Tokiya already thinks that Ranmaru is dead. That’d be for the better.

Ren finishes taking care of Ranmaru. He stands, and he slips something out of his pocket. It’s a handkerchief.   
Ren leans forward, folding the cloth as he does, moving to fit it over Ranmaru’s eyes like a blindfold. 

“Ren, please, don’t do this. Please.” Ranmaru is panicking, his hands tightening into fists behind his back. He doesn’t care that it makes everything hurt worse. He’s shaking. 

Ren’s hand brushes his cheek. “It won’t be on for long. Goodbye, my love.” Ren’s mouth lands on Ranmaru’s forehead. “I hope you come find me.”

Ranmaru hears the door open and close. He doesn’t know how long he sits there, but he can’t sleep. He’s afraid.

He hears the door open, and it’s loud. Nearly deafening. Ranmaru hadn’t heard that much noise in a long time. 

He hears lots of noise. Too much. It’s hard to focus on it. He barely stifles a groan when there are arms around him. The grip is light, barely touching Ranmaru, but he hears his name, repeatedly, like a chant. There are hands on his face, pushing up the blindfold. 

There’s panic on Toki’s face. There’s some relief in his eyes, of finding Ranmaru, but there’s more fear at seeing Ranmaru’s state. Ranmaru leans forward and Toki has to push him back. 

“No, don’t move. You’re hurt.” Tokiya releases Ranmaru’s face, the handkerchief still on Ranmaru’s forehead, but no longer over his eyes. When Tokiya stands, Ranmaru speaks, a crazed look in his eyes. 

“No, Tokiya, please, no.” 

Tokiya’s hand lands on his face again, just for a second. “I’m not leaving Ran. I’m not going to leave you. But we need to get you out of here. You’re going to be okay, now.” Tokiya seems to be on the edge of tears. 

Tokiya only went on missions like this when Ranmaru was with him, because Tokiya was the team’s intelligence. Ranmaru starts crying, too tired to try to stop himself. Toki was here. Toki went on this mission to find him. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t be so sure that it was true, but Tokiya was there. Why would Tokiya go on this mission if he didn’t think he’d find Ranmaru?

Ranmaru was going to hold onto the idea that Tokiya was here for him. It made Ranmaru feel better. Tokiya has cut the ropes off of Ranmaru’s arms. Ranmaru can hardly move them. It’s the same story for his legs, after Tokiya cuts his ankles free. 

“I need help.” Tokiya calls out into the hallway, not having moved from Ranmaru’s side. 

It would have been easier for two of the larger agents to help Ranmaru out, because Ranmaru can’t walk. But they settle with one of the larger men and Tokiya, because Ranmaru begins to panic when he can’t see Tokiya. Tokiya doesn’t seem too fond of the idea of getting far away from Ranmaru, either. 

They do get Ranmaru out. They bring him into a van, where he’s put into the furthest seat, and Tokiya sits in the middle, and Ranmaru leans heavily against Tokiya. Ranmaru’s so much smaller than he was a month ago, when he was taken. It was going to take so long to get back to his old physical state. Ranmaru was too exhausted to think about that now. 

He falls asleep against Tokiya and he wakes up in a hospital bed. 

Tokiya is next to him. 

“Where am I?” Ranmaru mutters. His voice is messed up pretty badly- it’s scratchy, and rough, and it’s not very comfortable to speak. Tokiya reacts quickly, opening a water bottle on the side of Ranmaru’s bed. Ranmaru is propped up just enough with pillows to not need to sit up more when Tokiya brings the bottle to Ranmaru’s lips. Ranmaru doesn’t think twice, just lets Tokiya help him. 

“You’re in the hospital. Our infirmary didn’t have what you needed, so you’re in a private room, and we’ve got agents watching it.”

“Do I even want to know everything wrong with me?”

“It’s a long list.” Tokiya admits quietly. “But I’ll tell you if you want.” 

Ranmaru nods, though it makes him wince. At least the hospital bed was beyond comfortable, after not having been able to lie down for a month. 

“There were quite a few broken bones. Your arms, your legs, ankles, fingers, wrists, ribs. Your hip was fractured, too. Bad bruising, and some deep lacerations. Your throat was bruised badly, as well.” Tokiya’s hand reaches up, softly brushing through Ranmaru’s hair. “It could have been worse. Physically. They said that you had received some medical attention and that it’s the main reason that your healing might go smoothly. It’s still going to take a lot of physical therapy before you can move properly again. I’m glad that you happened to get lucky with your injuries, because I know that you’re going to have a hard enough time working through this as it is.” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. His hand moves away from Ranmaru’s face, but it lands on his hand, holding it carefully. Ranmaru’s fingers are bandaged, but he has a cast from his knuckles to below his shoulder. His other arm is in the same state, except it’s in a sling that goes across his chest. 

Ranmaru can feel the casts on his legs, and the bandages covering his body. 

“I’m sorry I took so long, Ran.” Tokiya whispers. “But I’ll make it up to you. As long as you’ll have me, I’ll stay with you and help you through this.”

“Please.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet, too, and there’s an edge of pleading to it. “Please don’t leave.”

It takes some time. Ranmaru can’t eat by himself, or drink, for a few weeks. That’s what happens when all four limbs are broken, he guesses. It isn’t hard to adjust to, because he’s lost most of his fight- especially when it comes to people feeding him. He didn’t mind it when it was Tokiya. He’d say he wasn’t hungry if Tokiya weren’t there. 

Tokiya was almost always there. He’d leave for long enough periods to care for himself, but then he’d be back to care for Ranmaru. He’d never leave when Ranmaru fell asleep, because Ranmaru would wake up inconsolable if Tokiya weren’t there when he woke up. At least his nightmares weren’t bad, because of all of the medication he was on. Ranmaru and Tokiya both knew that they would worsen when Ranmaru left the hospital. 

Tokiya and Ranmaru were both given time off of their jobs. Ranmaru had no choice, but Tokiya was primarily given time off as a type of praise to Ranmaru- they had spoken to him shortly after his return, while he was still in the hospital. He wasn’t mentally capable of telling them much, and Toki had stayed in the room to ensure that Ranmaru wasn’t pushed too far, but Ranmaru had gotten the point across that he hadn’t given up anything. 

When they had left the room, Tokiya would have had a face on- and Ranmaru would have looked at him until Tokiya talked. Tokiya would bite the corner of his lip, unsure, but he’d finally tell Ranmaru what he was thinking. 

“I don’t know if you should have kept quiet, Ran.” Tokiya places his hand against Ranmaru’s cheek. Tokiya had been very affectionate towards Ranmaru since his return- and Ranmaru didn’t mind. Ranmaru needed it. It kept him from thinking of Ren. “Please don’t misunderstand. You’re so strong- but you were hurt so badly for it. Why didn’t you just tell them?”

“You.” Ranmaru turns his head and closes his eyes, leaning into Tokiya’s hand. “I had no idea what would happen if I told them. Couldn’t let you get hurt. You didn’t deserve that.”

Tokiya sighs. He drops the subject.

Ranmaru gets out of the hospital a month after he’s put in. He’s made some decent progress in his physical therapy, able to pick things up and eat by himself. He’s still in a wheelchair, and he’s not strong enough yet to push himself in it. 

“Ranmaru-” Tokiya hesitates. He’s inside of Ranmaru’s old apartment. “Would you…” He seems to be struggling. All of Ranmaru’s attention is on Tokiya. Tokiya used Ranmaru’s full name, after all. “Would you mind if I stayed here with you? I know it would ease my mind, being here for you.”

“Please.” Ranmaru’s response is quick. “I don’t really want to be here by myself. I-” Ranmaru hadn’t quite gotten back his filter, the one where he’d say anything to keep people from knowing what he was really thinking. But while he was more open right now about communicating his feelings- he still wasn’t very good at it. “I don’t really want you in an apartment alone right now, either.” He finally finds words.

Tokiya looks at Ranmaru for a long moment. He’s taking in Ranmaru’s last sentence, and then his eyebrows furrow as he quickly makes his way to Ranmaru. The way he crouches down makes Ranmaru’s chest constrict for a moment. Tokiya’s reminding him of Ren. Toki places his hands on Ranmaru’s cheeks, but only for a second, because Tokiya leans forward, his arms moving to carefully wrap around Ranmaru. “Don’t worry about me, Ran. We’ve got plenty of security, and I’m going to be really careful.” Ranmaru’s arms wrap around Tokiya, as tightly as he can manage. “Nothing’s going to happen to me. I promise, Ran.”

Ranmaru knows that Tokiya isn’t going to be targeted, because he never said anything to anyone about Tokiya. He can’t help the fear of Tokiya going through what he did. He can’t stop the tears that come from the thought. He doesn’t sob, but he’s sure Tokiya can feel the tears that are soaking through Tokiya’s shirt. 

It was going to be a while until Ranmaru was back to normal. 

Tokiya hadn’t realized how upset over that fact that Ranmaru was until almost a week of Ranmaru being in his apartment. Ranmaru had been curled over in his chair, his hand gripping his hair. He wouldn’t be crying, but he’d be close, and sheer will is the only reason he’s not sobbing right now. 

Tokiya would get concerned as soon as he saw Ranmaru, moving quickly to try to straighten Ranmaru up. He still wasn’t entirely healed, and Tokiya could only imagine that Ranmaru’s position was painful. 

“Ran, what’s wrong?” Tokiya has one hand on Ranmaru’s face, and Ranmaru swallows hard. Tokiya can see Ranmaru’s eyes shining, and can see how hard Ranmaru’s trying to hold it in. “Please, talk to me, Ran. I only want to help.”

“I don’t think you can.” Ranmaru’s answer is quiet, and he’s looking away from Tokiya with a furrowed brow. “It’s been a month, Toki. I still can’t even walk. I haven’t cried this much since I was a kid. I lost it less than a week into it when I was taken. God, I can’t even believe I let myself get caught.” His voice is bitter. 

“Ranmaru, look at me.” Tokiya’s voice is stern, but gentle. Ranmaru finally meets his eyes. “It’s only been a month. Ran, you’re still you. More than anyone has any right to expect of you after what you’ve been through. I don’t think I could have even made it a day, let alone anywhere near a week. Please don’t blame yourself. You’re doing so well, and you’re only going to keep getting better. Don’t feel ashamed for being afraid, or for being upset, because you were really hurt, Ran. That’s not easy to get over.” 

Ranmaru hesitates, and then he runs his hands over his face, and lets out a heavy sigh. “There’s something I haven’t told you about, Toki. There’s… really a lot of things, but some of them I don’t think I can tell you. But something I think I should is… Ren. Tricky Heart.” The name sends an ache through Ranmaru’s chest. Ranmaru thinks hard for a second, swallowing hard as he finally comes up with the words he’s looking for. “Stockholm Syndrome.” Ranmaru was going to ask Tokiya if he was familiar with it, but the mixing emotions on Tokiya’s face tell him everything he needs to know. Tokiya looks horrified, sad, surprised and worried. Just to name a few. “I’m sorry.”

Ranmaru is going to continue. Tokiya is going to let him- but not before Tokiya interjects. “Don’t be sorry. That’s not your fault.”

“It was hard.” Ranmaru can’t quite meet Tokiya’s eyes. He doesn’t ignore Tokiya, but he also can’t quite agree. “I only ever saw two people, and that was the guy doin’ the damage and Ren. And I still think that Ren was the ringleader, but he acted nice, and he was there. I… know you said not to be sorry but I am.” Ranmaru’s voice drops an octave. “I thought about you a lot, you know. So I’m sorry, that I let him get to me.”

Tokiya’s hands cup Ranmaru’s face. “Don’t. Ranmaru, look at me.” Tokiya waits for Ranmaru to look him in the eyes. “It doesn’t matter, because you came back to me. And you’re here with me right now. That’s all that matters. Nothing that happened these last two months has been your fault. You’re handling everything so well, Ran. And I know you’re going to beat yourself up over this, and I know you aren’t going to stop that just because I tell you that you don’t need to. But I’ll tell you again and again for as long as it takes until you start to believe me. And I’ll be here with you as you get better. I told you I wouldn’t leave you and I’m not going to. I’ll be here for as long as you’ll have me.” He wraps his arms around Ranmaru’s shoulders, and Ranmaru wraps his arms around Tokiya. 

Ranmaru’s voice is weak, and tired, but it’s satisfied. Just a little bit. “Then I hope you plan to be here for a while.”


	9. Chapter Nine

It had been some time since Tokiya had been an idol. It had been longer since Ranmaru had retired. It was less than a year after Tokiya had stepped away from the spotlight when he and Ranmaru had gotten married. It was a small wedding, mostly consisting of friends, though Ranmaru’s mother and sister had come. They had been dating for years before that, but it was easily the happiest day of Tokiya’s life.

And after having been a celebrity, that was really saying something. 

Tokiya loved living domestically with Ranmaru. Tokiya’s new job was a radio talk show host, and Ranmaru spent his time fixing basses and giving lessons. Every night they’d come home at the same time, Tokiya at six and Ranmaru at five, and Ranmaru would make dinner and they’d sit at the table in the dining room of their two bedroom house. One room was theirs, and the other was a room they had turned into a practice room. There was a nice alcove in that room that Tokiya used for reading, too, and that room held a fairly large bookshelf. It was mostly full, but there were quite a few magazines among Tokiya’s books. 

They’d go to bed together at ten, usually after watching some TV in bed, and they’d wake up at the same time, even though Tokiya left first. Sometimes Tokiya would wake up earlier, to make breakfast for them both. He was a decent cook- though his skills didn’t quite match Ranmaru’s. Ranmaru had never complained. 

Today had gone the exact same that every day seemed to go. Tokiya and Ranmaru woke up to Tokiya’s alarm, and Tokiya went to take a shower while Ranmaru got up to go make food. Tokiya would exit the bathroom, his hair still a mess, but not wanting to keep Ranmaru waiting. He could brush his hair before he left. 

Ranmaru clicks his tongue when he sees Tokiya walk out, sliding the second omelette onto a plate. He grabs both of them to set them down on the table. Tokiya kisses Ranmaru’s cheek and goes to grab forks. 

“We could’ve waited long enough for you to brush your hair, Toki.”

“Sure, but I think we both prefer our food to not be stone cold.”

“How long does it take you to brush your hair?”

Tokiya just shakes his head with an amused huff. He brings the forks over to the table, and he sits down in front of one of the plates. Ranmaru sits in front of the other. 

“Besides.” Tokiya says, beginning to use his fork to break off a piece of the omelette. “It isn’t like anyone sees me anyways. I could go into work in my underwear if I wanted.”

Ranmaru snorts, which makes Tokiya smile. 

They finish eating, and Tokiya heads back to the bathroom to finish brushing his hair while Ranmaru takes care of the dishes. Tokiya returns, but it’s time to leave, so he kisses Ranmaru quickly and smiles at him. “I love you, Ran.”

“Love you, too, Toki.” Ranmaru’s hand lands on Tokiya’s hip, squeezing. “See you when you get home.” 

Tokiya nods. His smile doesn’t fade until he’s out of the room. He heads out to work. 

He gets a call, a few hours later, telling him about the car accident. Tokiya can’t breathe. 

He would have left work, telling only one tech that he was headed to the hospital. It was unprofessional, but he couldn’t care. When he reached the hospital, he was stuck in the waiting room, tears silently making their way down his face. He’d turn the wedding ring on his left ring finger, nervously, fiddling with it. He was so afraid. He wasn’t religious, but he was still praying to any god that existed for Ranmaru to be alright. 

Ranmaru would have gotten out of surgery, and they would have moved him to a room in the ICU. Tokiya finally would have been able to visit. It was already the next day. 

Ranmaru looks rough. He was lucky in the sense that he only had a broken ankle, which is what the surgery was for. He had some small cuts, a few stitches and was heavily bruised- but the bandages wrapped around his head were what worried Tokiya. 

The crash wasn’t Ranmaru’s fault. Ranmaru had been T-boned because some idiot had run through a red light, and Ranmaru hadn’t been able to swerve out of the way. 

The doctors said that he hit his head hard in the crash, and there may be brain damage, but they weren’t sure how bad it was. 

Tokiya would sit in Ranmaru’s room. This particular hospital didn’t have visiting hours involving the emergency room or the ICU, so Tokiya wasn’t forced to leave. The only reason he left Ranmaru’s room for two days straight was to use the bathroom or to grab something small, usually from a vending machine. He didn’t want to go all the way to the cafeteria. 

That stopped when Ren came to check up on Ranmaru and saw the state Tokiya was in. Tokiya was forced to go home, to clean up, eat and get some real rest. 

This went on for nearly a week. Ren would stop by once a day to relieve Tokiya of his duties, though it was discovered quickly that Tokiya couldn’t rest right not in the hospital so Ren stopped trying to make him go to bed. 

Then, there was a new visitor. Ren and Tokiya were Ranmaru’s main visitors, though Ranmaru had been visited by all of the previous STARISH members, and all of the Quartet Night men. Even Camus. But when Siera walked in, Tokiya’s entire body would freeze over. 

“What are you doing here?” Tokiya would ask bluntly. 

“I heard that my old friend was injured and I wanted to make sure he was alright. You don’t have a monopoly on caring about Ranmaru.” Her response is sharp as well.

Tokiya scowls, settling back down in his seat. 

She’d come back for the next three days. On the third day, Tokiya had been sent home by Ren. 

Tokiya knows that Ren couldn’t have imagined that Siera would show up- Tokiya doesn’t blame Ren for leaving the room when she did. 

Tokiya still couldn’t have prepared himself for the sight he walked into when he returned to Ranmaru’s room. 

Ranmaru was awake. That was the first thing Tokiya noticed, and he was beyond relieved. But Siera was in the room, and Ranmaru’s attention was on her. Siera held Ranmaru’s hand in both of hers. Ranmaru’s eyes were on her face, his eyebrows were furrowed. He seemed confused. 

Tokiya’s chest constricts painfully because when Ranmaru glances towards the door, he doesn’t react. There’s a vague sense of recognition, but that’s all there is. 

“Ranmaru?” Tokiya asks quietly. 

“He woke up about an hour ago. The doctors think he has amnesia. I was just telling him about what he forgot.” Tokiya can see her squeeze his hand. 

Amnesia. 

“And what have you been telling him?”

“We’re engaged.” Ranmaru says. His voice is a bit uncertain. 

Tokiya’s heart dropped. He wasn’t included in that ‘We’. 

He’s so taken off guard that he doesn’t dispute it. He just stares, feelings swirling in his gut. 

Tokiya wanted to cry. He didn’t want to leave Ranmaru, but he guesses Ranmaru wasn’t alone right now. He’d back out of the room, to go to the bathroom. When he was in the bathroom, he’d sob his heart out. 

It wasn’t difficult to disprove, but he didn’t want to confuse Ranmaru worse. 

And Tokiya was confused, too. This was something that happened in some dramatic movie. Not to two men almost in their forties. 

Ranmaru already was in his forties, actually.

Right now, though, Tokiya was going to wait, and when Siera left he’d have to at least tell Ranmaru that she lied to him. Tokiya hoped Ranmaru believed him, but he didn’t want Siera convincing Ranmaru that he or any of his actual friends were against him. Tokiya calms himself down, mostly, before he heads back to Ranmaru’s room. 

He runs into Ren on the way back. Ren doesn’t seem surprised to see him, until he takes a look at Tokiya’s face. 

“What’s going on?” Ren asks, alarmed. 

“Siera.” Tokiya mumbles. “But Ranmaru’s awake.” Despite everything going through Tokiya’s head, his voice sounds incredibly relieved. 

Ren blinks, extremely surprised now. “Now, don’t take this in the wrong way, but why aren’t you in there with him?”

Tokiya understood what he meant. He hesitates, swallowing hard. His voice is soft. “He doesn’t remember me.” Saying it out loud felt crushing. “And Siera has him convinced they’re getting married.”

Ren has a lot to take in, blinking slowly as he works through it. “I don’t know how to take this, Ichi. I’ll… start with Siera. It’s unspeakably wrong that she’s taking advantage of him right now when he’s vulnerable. It’s… not out of character, what she’s putting you through either, as much as I hate to say it. But you should just go in there and tell Ranmaru the truth and finish this.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “That’s not fair to him. Not right now.”

Ren gives Tokiya an incredulous look. “What are you talking about, Ichi?”

“Think about it, Ren. You’re surrounded by people you don’t know, and then someone tells you that you’re engaged- and then someone else, a boy, nonetheless, comes in and tells you that she’s lying because he’s married to you. I’ll tell him. Of course I will. But I don’t think right now is the time to do it.”

Ren sighs. “I don’t know that I agree with you, Ichi, but I’ll let you settle this. As long as you tell him that he doesn’t have a fiancee.” 

“Of course I’m not going to let him believe he’s getting married to her.” Tokiya says quietly. “I know the trouble she’s caused. I’d rather die before I stand aside and let her put Ranmaru through anything like that again. As soon as she leaves I’ll tell him.”

It’s four entire days before Tokiya can speak to Ranmaru alone. Siera seems to always be there. Tokiya’s always there, too. 

Ranmaru’s explained to Tokiya that he has only very vague memories, and he can’t recall people- but that there’s a feeling of recognition, like he knows certain people but he doesn’t know from where. 

Ranmaru’s said that the feeling is really strong with Tokiya. 

If Tokiya had felt less miserable, he may have laughed when Ranmaru shaded Siera, right after Ranmaru admitted to the strong reminiscent feelings about Tokiya. 

“What about me, Ran?” 

“Not really.”

Ranmaru may not have had his memories, but he was still the same person. Tokiya was glad to see that. 

When Tokiya finally catches Ranmaru alone, Siera is only outside to take a call. 

“Ranmaru.” Tokiya says, his voice serious and his face borderline concerned. “I know you don’t have your memories, but I hope you believe me when I say that I wouldn’t take advantage of that. I also hope you believe me when I tell you not to trust Siera. You aren’t engaged to her.” 

“Why would she lie about that?” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. Tokiya can’t read what he’s thinking. That thought makes him sad. 

“Because you were together. A long time ago. Ren was with her, too.” The other boys had visited Ranmaru now that he was awake, but Ren was still one of his most frequent visitors. They had been reacquainted. “She’s manipulative, and she hurt both you and Ren in the past.” Tokiya frowns. “If you want to know more about that, Ren’s the best person to ask. He knows more about it than I do. I needed to tell you. I know you’re confused, and I’m sorry if I made it worse.”

“I don’t like being lied to.” Ranmaru says, and Tokiya’s heart stops. “All I’ve got is instinct right now, and instinctively I trust you more than I trust her. I really hope I’m not wrong.” Tokiya can feel his heart beat again. 

Siera enters the room. Ranmaru doesn’t waste any time in questioning her. 

“Have you been lying to me?” Ranmaru asks gruffly. His eyes are narrowed. He moves to sit up, and Tokiya can see the pain and discomfort through the nearly stoic expression and he sets a hand on Ranmaru’s shoulder to try to get him to lie back down. Ranmaru lightly swats Tokiya’s hand off, insisting on sitting up anyways. Tokiya sighs under his breath. 

Ranmaru really did still act like himself. 

Siera looks at Tokiya, and Tokiya can already see Ranmaru’s opinions forming. 

“Don’t look at him. Look at me and answer the question.”

“Of course I haven’t been lying to you.” Siera fakes a concerned look. 

“Then show me some proof. If we’re going to get married, we have to have some pictures or something.”

“Neither of us are picture people.”

“So if I ask Ren if we’re really together, he’s going to say yes? Or what about those other guys that visited me?”

Siera’s upset look is genuine, but it’s more frustrated than anything.

“I’ve been here for you, haven’t I?”

“That’s what I thought.” Ranmaru finally settles back, scowling. “That’s a really fucked up thing to do. Leave.” 

Siera’s face changes. Pleading. And then upset. And then angry. She purses her lips and she turns, walking out. She glances at Tokiya as she leaves, but her expression is unreadable.

Ren walks in with a raised eyebrow. 

“Why did you take that long to tell me?” Ranmaru asks, turning to Tokiya. He’s frowning. 

“She was always with you. I didn’t want her interrupting me as I tried to tell you.”

“Who was she really?” Ranmaru has looked over to Ren. 

Tokiya stands up, to let Ren and Ranmaru have that conversation. It wasn’t going to be a short one. 

The house felt so empty without Ranmaru. Tokiya couldn’t even walk into their shared room. He wasn’t keeping it nearly as clean as he normally did. The kitchen was nearly unused, because he wasn’t cooking for himself. The couch had a pillow and a blanket, for nights where he tried to sleep and usually just tossed and turned. He was an absolute mess. 

He tried not to look at himself in the mirror when he went to the bathroom, because he knew how terrible he looked. He was sure that he was terribly pale, and that his eyes were dark, bags obvious beneath them. He’s probably lost weight. He feels terrible, too. 

But more than anything, he was just worried and concerned for Ranmaru. Ranmaru was his priority. 

Tokiya knows that Ranmaru would be angry with him. Tokiya can’t find it in himself to care. After all- he finds it hard to believe that Ranmaru wouldn’t do the exact same thing if their places were switched. 

Ranmaru’s released two weeks into his stay. Tokiya is the one there with him. After all, he’s bringing Ranmaru back home. There was going to be a lot to explain, but it’d have to be explained eventually. 

Ranmaru is pretty quiet the entire ride there, just looking out the window. He had some painkillers, some crutches, and some medicine to suppress headaches. He had been getting very severe ones, because of the head trauma. 

They reach their home. 

Ranmaru seems to pause when he sees it. There’s definitely interest. Tokiya helps him get his things out of the car, though he starts by handing Ranmaru his crutches. Ranmaru wasn’t unfamiliar with crutches- he couldn’t remember ever needing them, obviously, but he assumes he must have. There’s some sort of knowledge, or perhaps muscle memory. Tokiya takes everything else, and Ranmaru’s already heading to the door. Tokiya watches him silently.

Tokiya is following after Ranmaru, going to unlock the door. Ranmaru opens it first, to walk inside. 

“Ranmaru?” 

“It’s familiar.” Ranmaru says, distractedly. He’s investigating the house. Luckily there are no stairs.

Ranmaru’s stopped at first by the couch. Tokiya closes the door, but he notices that Ranmaru has stopped when Tokiya turns back towards him. Ranmaru takes in the couch for a few seconds with narrowed eyes, but then continues further into the house. He goes into the practice room. He doesn’t stay in there for long, going into the bedroom next. 

Ranmaru spends more time in the bedroom. Tokiya’s set down Ranmaru’s stuff and has been following Ranmaru around. Ranmaru takes in the neatly made bed, and he makes his way to look around in the closet. He sits on the bed. 

“What are you thinking?” Tokiya asks quietly. 

“I’m piecing things together. I think there’s a lot you haven’t told me.” Ranmaru is staring Tokiya in the eyes with an intense look that makes Tokiya shift. “I’ll tell you what I’ve got and you tell me what I’m right and wrong about. I really hope you don’t lie to me.” Tokiya swallows, but he nods. “We live here together. I’m assumin’ if I had my own place you would’ve taken me there, and you had a key to this place so it can’t just be mine. And we share a room, by choice. Because the other one’s full of instruments and it isn’t a second bedroom. Not to mention the clothes. They’re pretty different.” Ranmaru glances back towards the closet. 

Tokiya has to take in Ranmaru for a second. Sometimes he forgets how observant Ranmaru can be. Sure, none of the observations were overly difficult to notice- but listening to him calmly list them off was still something Tokiya enjoyed listening to. Even concerning the subject matter. 

Ranmaru continues. “I have a ring. That’s why I believed Siera when she said that we were engaged. But you have one, too. We’re married, aren’t we?” 

Ranmaru had always been intelligent. Tokiya would nod. 

Ranmaru stays quiet for a long moment. “It explains that look you’re always wearin’. Like I was dying. Like you were walking on broken glass.” Ranmaru’s eyes are narrowed, thinking about it. He’s still looking at Tokiya. “It kind of pissed me off.” He admits. “But it makes more sense now. But I want to know why I had to figure this out for myself. Were we havin’ issues or something?” 

Tokiya shakes his head quickly. He has to look away from Ranmaru because his eyes burn as he remembers the morning before the accident. Tokiya’s voice is quiet and uneven. “We were… happy.” That was the best word for it. “We had arguments now and then, but I don’t know that I’d even really consider them fights. But I wasn’t the one in the room when you woke up.” Tokiya still felt guilty. He wishes he hadn’t left. “It didn’t feel like the right time to drop that on you- that you were married to me. Telling you that your so-called fiancee had lied to you, and that not only were you married to someone else, but you were in a gay marriage on top of that. You were already confused. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m sorry. I know I should have told you.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a minute. “I’ve got a lot that lead me to this conclusion, and you’re tellin’ me I’m right, but I want some sort of evidence.”

Tokiya nods, taking out his phone. He moves closer to the bed. He has an album on his phone from the wedding pictures he downloaded. He had them stashed away in the closet, but his phone was closest. And Tokiya was pretty sure he had some baby pictures in the box in the closet, because the box held all of their pictures. He’d pick out Ranmaru’s later to show him- but he didn’t feel like embarrassing himself right now.

Tokiya would choose his favorite picture. It was one of them at the altar. They were both smiling, and both men’s smiles seemed genuine. It was probably because they weren’t looking at the camera- they had been looking at each other. Tokiya’s eyes soften as he pulls up the picture, and he hands the phone to Ranmaru. Ranmaru stares at it, and begins swiping through the wedding pictures Tokiya has on his phone. 

“I’m sure I can find our marriage certificate too, if you want something less sentimental and more legal.”

Ranmaru looks up at that. He blinks. Tokiya gives a sheepish smile, though is relieved to see that Ranmaru seems a bit amused, and not irritated. Ranmaru goes back to the phone.

Ranmaru hits the back button on Tokiya’s phone, leaving that specific album, but he pauses, looking back up at Tokiya. “Can I?”

Tokiya nods, taking a seat on the bed. Ranmaru ends up going through every picture on Tokiya’s phone. At some point as he’s going through them and has passed yet another picture of himself and Tokiya he snorts. “Not a picture person.” He mumbles to himself. Tokiya can’t stop the slight smile. 

“I’d like to reiterate that I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to confuse you, or make you uncomfortable or feel pressured. It absolutely isn’t because I didn’t love you, and it isn’t because I don’t. I’m not worried, either. I got you to fall for me once. I’m perfectly alright taking it slow until you fall for me again.” 

Ranmaru watches him closely as he speaks. A lot of emotions seem to cross his face. Ranmaru nods, first. 

Ranmaru stays quiet for a second. His expressions changes again, hardens, and he seems to really take in Tokiya. Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. Ranmaru looks back at Tokiya’s phone, looking for something, and Tokiya glances at the screen. Ranmaru stops at a full body picture of Tokiya, a more recent one. It wasn’t a picture with Ranmaru- it was Tokiya and his talk show co-star and their guest, a famous idol who had been a lot of fun to work with. 

Tokiya finally realizes what’s caught Ranmaru’s attention when Ranmaru glances between Tokiya and the picture. “When was this taken?” 

“About two months ago.” Tokiya answers, a bit hesitant. “Maybe a month and a half.” 

“Jesus.” Ranmaru looks at Tokiya incredulously. “Was…” Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “Am I the reason you stopped taking care of yourself?”

Tokiya’s eyes widen slightly, and he looks almost panicked. He uses Ranmaru’s nickname without thinking about it, touching Ranmaru’s shoulder. “No, Ran, no. Don’t blame yourself. I-” Tokiya frowns. He doesn’t really want to talk about this, but he feels like he has no choice right now. “I have a track record with this.” Tokiya admits. “I was an idol. We both were. But it started with overworking myself, and it led into bad self care habits. And I’m sorry that I’ve fallen back into them, but please don’t feel any responsibility over this.”

Ranmaru is silent for a very long moment as he takes in the information. He finally lands on, “You’ve been sleeping on the couch.”

Tokiya gives a sheepish nod. “It was easier, because I was spending most of my time at the hospital. I typically just came back, slept on the couch and left.”

“You’re lying to me.” Ranmaru says flatly. “Aren’t you?”

Tokiya bites the corner of his lip. 

“You are.” Ranmaru settles on his answer. “I don’t want you trying to spare my feelings. If I ask a question it’s because I want to know the answer.”

Tokiya sighs. And then he nods. “It’s hard to sleep alone, in general. And sleeping in the… our... room without you... was difficult.” 

“You’ve got some trouble expressing yourself, don’t you?”

Tokiya’s cheeks go red. He was more than happy to answer questions for Ranmaru, but he wishes there were less questions about himself and his habits. “I do tend to have some issues, yes.”

“Was I the reason you started taking better care of yourself?”

“Yes. You were a large part of that.”

“Did I encourage you or did I make you?”

“It… was a bit of both. But a majority of the time it was the latter.”

Ranmaru makes a noise. Tokiya doesn’t quite trust it. “How long have we been married?”

Tokiya smiles at this. “It’s been almost four years. We’ve been dating for almost ten.”

“Holy fuck.” Ranmaru murmurs. He seems to think for a second. His voice is serious when he asks, “How did you feel about me?”

Tokiya frowns. His voice is quiet, and it’s equally serious. “Ranmaru, are you sure you want me to answer this? I know you asked me not to spare your feelings, but I don’t want you to try to force yourself to return any of my feelings. I- I won’t lie to you.” Tokiya looks at the wall. He can’t look at Ranmaru. He sets his jaw, and sighs. His voice is vulnerable. “I really hope that you’ll feel the same way about me as I think you did before. But I can’t, won’t and don’t want to force you. If you don’t end up feeling the same way-” His voice cracks, but he continues talking, trying to ignore it. “It’s going to hurt. But it’s okay.” Tokiya takes a shaky breath and looks at Ranmaru. “Because my only concern is that you’re safe and that you’re happy. And I’m always going to be here for you, even if it’s not romantically.”

“I want to hear your answer.” Ranmaru says. His voice sounds strained. There’s emotion in it, and Tokiya can see the emotions mixing in his eyes. He doesn’t ask about them- not because he doesn’t want to know what Ranmaru is thinking but because he knows Ranmaru needs time to think about it himself. 

Tokiya swallows. “To put it simply, I absolutely adore you. You’re even more hard-headed and stubborn than I am, and if you care about something you make sure everyone knows it. You’re smart, and you notice small things, even if sometimes you won’t admit it. You’re strong, protective, and you’re also one of the most caring people I’ve met, even if it takes a lot of persistence to see that side of you. Not to mention that you don’t give up easily. Ever. Your passion and hardwork shows through in everything that you do, and you take care of what’s important to you. On top of all of that, you’re talented and you have a knack for impressing me, even when I don’t think you can impress me any more than you already have. And I’ll say this again, and I won’t stop saying it. I don’t want any of this to make you feel obligated to like me back. But even though your memories are gone, you’re still the Ranmaru Kurosaki that I love, and I will love you in any way that you need me to, even if it’s entirely platonic, because I don’t want to even imagine my life without you in it.” Tokiya’s voice is strong and confident throughout everything he says, despite the fact that he’s crying. He didn’t mean to cry, but he can’t stop himself. 

Ranmaru pulls him into a hug. There is a wince, but it’s very slight and Ranmaru hardly even seems to notice. “Ran-” Tokiya starts, but Ranmaru squeezes him and Tokiya quiets. 

“I’m not forcing myself.” Ranmaru’s voice is thick with emotion, and it’s low. “I told you that all I’ve got right now are my instincts, so I’m followin’ ‘em.” He doesn’t pull away from the hug as he continues, and Tokiya doesn’t think he could convince himself to pull away from the hug, either, even if he wanted to. “You sound like you really care about me.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. “And I think I was really lucky to have you. So I’m gonna respect what you said, and I’m not going to fake anything. But it doesn’t seem fair to either of us to not give this a chance. I’m not gonna suggest that we act like nothing’s happened, because we can’t. But I think… we should take things as they come, day by day, and see where they lead.” 

Tokiya’s head is resting on Ranmaru’s shoulder. The hug still hasn’t ended. Tokiya doesn’t mind. He closes his eyes. “I’d like that.” He says quietly. “It sounds like a plan.”

That’s exactly what they do. 

Ranmaru does, however, take some things from the conversation and puts them into practice. 

Particularly the part where Tokiya admitted that Ranmaru often had to force Tokiya to take care of himself. Because Tokiya makes Ranmaru a plate of food and sets it down in front of him, and Ranmaru continues to stare at Tokiya, even when the plate is out of Tokiya’s hands and on the table in front of Ranmaru. 

Tokiya raises an eyebrow. 

“Just waiting for you.” Ranmaru comments. Tokiya relents, grabbing a second plate. He puts some food on it and heads to the table. Ranmaru begins to eat as soon as Tokiya does. 

It was really nice, eating with Ranmaru. It had been so long. 

It happened again when they went to sleep. Tokiya would make sure that Ranmaru was okay and set up- but Ranmaru would stop him before he headed out to the living room. 

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch. You can’t be comfortable on it.”

Ranmaru isn’t wrong. Tokiya hates sleeping anywhere that isn’t a bed. Something on Tokiya’s face changes that catches Ranmaru’s interest. 

“What?” 

Tokiya bites the corner of his lip, but Ranmaru’s relentless stare gets him to tell Ranmaru. Besides, it was a memory involving Ranmaru, so Tokiya should share it. 

“One time we had a fight. We had very few of those, but this specific one was bad enough that we didn’t want to sleep in the same bed. If I’m remembering correctly, the fight was my fault. I don’t remember what I was hiding from you, but I’m fairly sure that’s what it was. But you knew that I had trouble sleeping anywhere that wasn’t a bed.” Tokiya wasn’t entirely sure that he had meant to admit that, but the faraway look in his eyes would suggest that he was too gone to care. “You could sleep anywhere.” He gives a small, soft smile. “Probably standing up, even, if you tried hard enough. Even though you were angry at me, you slept on the couch. I woke you up, maybe a couple of hours later, to apologize and ask you to come back to bed.” 

Ranmaru has that look from before. His eyes are full of emotion, but none of them are clear enough for Tokiya to read. Tokiya clears his throat. “But you need the bed more than I do. I can handle the couch.” 

Ranmaru shakes his head. “Whether I remember it or not, we shared a bed for… what, you said four years? So four years at least, but up to ten years, right? The bed’s plenty big enough for us both to sleep in.”

Tokiya hesitates. “Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t.”

“...Alright.” Tokiya may have insisted longer, but even sleeping in the same room as Ranmaru after so long was an idea he’d have trouble passing up. He gets into the side of the bed Ranmaru isn’t on.

“Goodnight, Ranmaru.”

“...” 

Tokiya glances over his shoulder at the silence. Ranmaru’s eyebrows are furrowed. He finally speaks, after a long moment. His voice is soft. “It’s fine. You can call me Ran.”

Tokiya smiles, just a bit, despite himself. His voice is softer, too. “Goodnight, Ran.”

“Goodnight… Toki.”

Once Ranmaru can mostly take care of himself, Tokiya goes back to work. He was still well off, but between enjoying his job and wanting to remain well off, he couldn’t take any longer off of work. Ranmaru enjoyed hearing stories about Tokiya’s job- almost as much as he enjoyed hearing stories of his own. 

Ranmaru was bored, sitting around the house. Once he was able to, he picked the bass up again. At first there was a bit of reteaching himself, but he picked it back up quickly. After all, it was a lot of muscle memory, and Ranmaru was a bassist through and through. 

Tokiya wasn’t surprised that playing the bass made Ranmaru happy, but that didn’t stop him from making Tokiya happy that it still did. 

One night, Tokiya came back to an eerily quiet household. Tokiya immediately got worried, and went in search of Ranmaru. The bedroom door was open, but just a crack. Tokiya would stick his head in to see Ranmaru, curled in bed with tears streaming down his cheeks. His face is twisted in pain. 

“Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, but it’s alarmed. He enters the room quickly, crouching by the bed, his hand resting on Ranmaru’s forearm. Ranmaru’s eyes stay closed. 

“Migraine.” Ranmaru’s voice is just as quiet as Tokiya’s, but he winces when he talks. Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow in concern, and his voice drops low enough that it’s only just audible. 

“Can I get you painkillers? Water?”

“No. Just…” Ranmaru’s face is twisted, but in pain and what Tokiya recognizes to be uncertainty. “...Lay down?”

“Of course.” Tokiya walks over to the other side of the bed, quickly and carefully climbing into it. Ranmaru’s body is tense, and Tokiya hesitantly reaches out to rub Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru doesn’t react, so Tokiya doesn’t stop. He just sits there in the bed, rubbing Ranmaru’s back. 

Tokiya wishes there was more he could do, but he didn’t want to force the painkillers on Ranmaru and Tokiya had never dealt with a severe migraine before, so there were no tips or tricks to lessen the pain that Tokiya could think of. 

Ranmaru seems to be in pain until he finally falls asleep. Tokiya doesn’t move for a long time, even after he’s sure that Ranmaru is asleep. So he’s that much more surprised when he removes his hand from Ranmaru’s back and goes to stand and Ranmaru tries to reach out, tries to catch Tokiya’s wrist. The room is dark but Tokiya can see Ranmaru trying to search for him, his jaw gritted. Tokiya quickly shifts so that he’s back in the bed, his hand back on Ranmaru’s shoulder, “It’s okay. I won’t leave.” Tokiya says, his voice soft and reassuring. 

“Thank you.” Ranmaru’s voice is hoarse. 

Tokiya lies down. It’s a bit awkward, trying to lay down and keep his hand on Ranmaru’s back. His shoulder is going to be stiff in the morning. But it’s okay. He’d deal with a bit of discomfort to make sure that Ranmaru felt okay. Tokiya would fall asleep.

Tokiya had completely forgotten his alarm. He’d fumble quickly, trying to turn it off, but when he turns to check on Ranmaru, Ranmaru is already awake. 

“It’s fine. The migraines gone.” Ranmaru mumbles.

Tokiya lies back down. He was right. His shoulder pops when he rolls it. It’s fine. “How are you feeling?”

“Still like shit.” Ranmaru is on his back. He rubs his hands over his face. 

“Why didn’t you want to take the painkillers? You aren’t out, are you?”

“No, I-” Ranmaru seems to hesitate, and then he sighs. “Sometimes I start to remember things. They’re fuzzy, and it hurts to remember them. But if I take the painkillers, it helps, but I can’t focus on the memories. It’s like it suppresses them.”

Tokiya is cautiously optimistic. “What types of memories?”

“Most of ‘em so far have been shit from when I was a kid. I had a couple with Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. A bit distant. “He was just as fuckin’ cheeky as he seems to be now, I think.”

“That sounds about right.” Tokiya can’t help the amusement in his voice, and Ranmaru laughs a bit. 

Ranmaru drops back into his more serious tone when he continues. “I remembered meeting you. Dating. Not much of it, but, I remember a really specific memory. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.”

Tokiya wouldn’t have stopped him even if he had. 

“I’m guessing we hadn’t been together very long, but at least a couple of people must’ve known, because Ren came up to me and told me he needed to talk to me about you. He told me about… Hayato?” Ranmaru glances at Tokiya. Tokiya’s face seems to confirm Ranmaru’s thoughts, and he continues. “Ren told me about how you had been hiding an entire other life, and they found out when you nearly killed yourself doing it.” Tokiya frowns. He hadn’t nearly killed himself. That was on over exaggeration. Ranmaru doesn’t give him time to argue on that. “I probably didn’t tell you. I remember my thoughts pretty clearly, even though I’m sure this was a long time ago. I remember looking at Ren’s face, because he seemed like he was nervous to tell me but he knew you wouldn’t. Seemed like he was worried I’d see you differently. But I also remember thinking that I wouldn’t let that happen again.” Ranmaru’s voice had gotten so quiet on the last sentence. “I know you’re going to tell me it ain’t my fault, that it did end up happening again. But I think I’m always going to feel a little responsible. And it means that I’m going to have to work even harder to make sure it doesn’t happen again. That memory really stuck with me, because it just made me think of how horrible you looked. I didn’t say anything in the hospital because I sort of assumed that’s how you always looked.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrowed. “I can only assume that’s how you probably looked in the Hayato situation Ren told me about. Is this the only time I’ve seen you like that?”

Tokiya gets quiet. 

“When?”

Tokiya sighs. “It was one other time, and it was a long time ago. You were on tour, and we weren’t. It was a good three or four months of taking care of myself just enough to keep overworking. I think it was the angriest I had ever seen you, when you came back. I don’t think you let me leave my apartment for a week. You just made me stop, and eat, and rest. I was angry at the time, but I know why you did it.” Tokiya pauses, and then he sighs again. “You know, some things really don’t change. Even without your memories, you’re worrying over me. You were worrying over me the day you came back from the hospital, just with your questions.” His eyebrows furrow. “Most of your questions were about me.”

“I told you. When I saw the difference between how you looked then and the pictures I was looking at, it was like night and day. You still haven’t totally gotten back to how you’re supposed to look, but you’re better. Memories or not, I’m glad to see that.” 

Tokiya smiles a bit at Ranmaru. He can’t help it. 

“You should get ready for work. I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? If I have to call in it won’t be the end of the world.”

“I know well enough at this point that you like working. You should go.”

Tokiya chuckles. “Alright. Call me if you need anything.”

Months later, Ranmaru still hadn’t gotten back all of his memories- or even most of them. But he’s had more than a few bad headaches, and some dreams where he’d wake up and ask Tokiya about them. Most of them were real- some of them were confused. And some of them were things that Tokiya couldn’t honestly tell him if they were real or not. 

Ranmaru was understanding when Tokiya apologized, and assured him that he didn’t need to be sorry. 

Their relationship, however, had grown. Very similarly to how it had gone back when they were dating. 

Ranmaru had gone back to work. Not full time, but he had taken in some new clients, and had started fixing a few simpler problems with other’s basses. Tokiya could tell that it made him happy.

One day Tokiya had gotten home early. He hadn’t yet told Ranmaru that today was their wedding anniversary. Four years today. Tokiya would tell him, but it felt strange. Ranmaru cared for him, and hopefully loved him- but that didn’t change the fact that Tokiya was sure Ranmaru still felt like they were dating. Tokiya supposes that he could treat it like a normal anniversary of them being together, but he still wasn’t sure about that either. 

But he wasn’t unhappy. Even if he shared this anniversary with himself, he really had managed to win Ranmaru back over. 

He got Ranmaru to fall for him twice.

Tokiya would have liked to believe in soulmates. If you asked him years back, that’s what he would have said. Now, however, he really does. 

He doesn’t know when he’s started crying. It’s not heavy crying, just a few tears, but when the bedroom door opens, Ranmaru looks startled, and then concerned. He heads over to Tokiya, sitting on the bed in front of him. 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. Tokiya smiles at him, though he wipes at his eyes with his sleeves, shaking his head. 

“Don’t worry. Nothing bad. I’m happy, I promise.” Ranmaru still looks concerned. Tokiya reaches out to grab Ranmaru’s hand, and Ranmaru lets him. “I was just thinking about us. And how glad I am that you’re still here with me.” Tokiya then furrows his eyebrow, biting his lip. “I don’t know how you’ll take this.” He says quietly. Gently. “But today is our wedding anniversary.” 

Ranmaru blinks, surprised. He takes his hand away from Tokiya’s, and then moves. Tokiya watches him as Ranmaru moves further up on the bed, wrapping an arm around Tokiya. “You should’ve told me. I could’ve taken today off.” Ranmaru mumbles. 

“I wasn’t sure how you’d feel about it.” Tokiya admits, leaning into Ranmaru’s side. “And I didn’t want to make you feel obligated.”

“Toki. I know I don’t remember everything, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. Besides. I’m not much of an anniversary person, but I don’t mind taking a day to spoil you every once in a while.” Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s shoulders. “Why don’t we go out to dinner and go see a movie or somethin’?”

Tokiya almost cries again, turning his face so it’s pressed into the crook of Ranmaru’s neck. “I’d really like that.” He mumbles against Ranmaru’s skin. 

Ranmaru uses his free hand to tilt Tokiya’s head up, and Tokiya goes with him. Ranmaru presses his lips against Tokiya’s- soft, for Ranmaru. “I’m still missin’ a lot, but I can tell you for sure that I love you, Tokiya.” 

Tokiya reaches up, cradling Ranmaru’s face in his hands. 

“I love you, too, Ran. More than anything.”


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING ; Sensitive topics (domestic abuse, blood, injuries)

Tokiya no longer lived alone, now that the love rule had been lifted. 

At first it went well. Rika had been a fan of Tokiya, and she had seemed sweet and genuine and Tokiya was interested. They had gone on dates, and Tokiya had begun to really like her. She was definitely leading the relationship, but Tokiya was alright with letting her- he found himself being the face of the man in the relationship. If they cuddled, she initiated it, but she was the one curled into him with his arm wrapped around her shoulders. She’d suggest things, and he’d do them. It was like the illusion of control, except Tokiya knew that he wasn’t the one in control. 

She wasn’t the one that Tokiya wanted, and Tokiya knew it. But she was the best option. Ren had expressly come up to him one day, not long after the love rule had been lifted. He had explained to Tokiya that he and Ranmaru were both interested in him- and Tokiya couldn’t lie and say that the feelings weren’t returned. But Tokiya was scared. 

He’d tell Ren part of the truth- he did like Ren, and he did like Ranmaru. Their feelings weren’t unrequited. But Tokiya wasn’t sure. 

Ren would give him time to think. And Tokiya would. And when Tokiya met Rika, he’d decide with his fear. Being in a three person relationship presented a lot of potential issues, even if all of the feelings were mutual and matched. And being gay wasn’t something that everyone took lightly. Especially in the idol industry. So he gave her a chance. It wasn’t like he didn’t like her. She was a nice girl, and she was very pretty. They looked like a great couple. 

Ren didn’t hold it against Tokiya. He seemed to understand, and Ren and Tokiya were still extremely close. He and Ranmaru still spoke, and they were still friends. The only real comment Ren made on it was before Tokiya and Rika had gotten past the third date. 

“If you ever change your mind, Toki, our feelings haven’t changed.” He’d smile softly at Tokiya, and he’d squeeze Tokiya’s shoulder, moving past him to continue on his way.

Tokiya still wasn’t sure how to take it. It was bittersweet. Of course he’s happy that they have feelings for him. It’s a nice feeling. And he wants to return them. But he knows he isn’t going to. Not yet. 

His relationship progressed quickly. Some of the boys seemed concerned that they were rushing things, but Tokiya would always shrug it off. She moved into his apartment. That was when the first changes happened. 

Tokiya hadn’t realized what an angry person she could be. She’d often get in moods where Tokiya would be afraid to speak to her. She’d snap at him if he tried, but would often be upset if he didn’t. 

And the control she wanted over Tokiya’s life- and Tokiya thought he was a control freak.

He was to be home at eight. That wasn’t often an easy task, but he had managed, because she’d be angry with him if he wasn’t. He’d rather work hard and get everything done quickly so that he can avoid her anger. 

At first the anger was quiet. She’d sit there and pout and glower, and she wouldn’t respond to Tokiya with anything but a huff. Her next step was arguing. It didn’t matter what Tokiya would say, she would find something to get on him about. Even when he’d pointedly say things to deescalate the situation. Then it got to yelling. The yelling was the worst, because it was never about the situation. It was always degrading, and Tokiya would stand there and take it, with his head hung and his posture small like a scolded child. 

Tokiya would never admit this, but there had been a few times where she had made him cry. 

The first time gave her material for weeks. Not just in her anger, either. She’d tease him a lot about it. Her voice would be soft and kind. It made it almost hard to believe how cruel it felt, with her making fun of him. 

And it wasn’t all terrible, of course. She told him that she loved him, often. Like a reminder. Tokiya thought it was a little too soon, but he said it back, because he didn’t want to upset her. She often sent him texts, reminding him of this, and to eat. She kept his apartment tidier than it already was, and she has dinner ready for him when he goes home. 

That was nice. 

And even if Tokiya did think that it was too early, he’s always been happy to hear that people care for him. It wasn’t quite the feelings he had for Ren and Ranmaru, but Tokiya was in a well-going relationship. He wasn’t going to mess that up. 

Rika enjoyed hanging out with the rest of the band. She was always extremely nice to them- and to Tokiya, when she spoke to him. Tokiya certainly wasn’t her main concern when she was around the rest of STARISH. One of these visits Ren would have approached Tokiya while Rika was busy chatting happily with Natsuki. 

“Toki, how is your relationship going?” Ren would ask. He seems to be watching her. His voice is quiet. Tokiya glances at Ren with a raised eyebrow and he sighs. “I’m asking purely out of friendly concern. If you tell me that you’re happy, I won’t bother you about it again. But Ran and I have both heard the yelling.”

Tokiya bites his lip, watching Rika as well. She doesn’t notice. “How much have you heard?”

“We can’t hear what it’s about. We can just hear the sound of her yelling.”

“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bother you.”

Ren sighs, shaking his head. “You’re getting yelled at and you’re sorry? It isn’t loud, Toki, we’re just worried.”

“There’s no need to be. It’s just a bit of new relationship bickering. I’ll try to make sure we keep it down.”

Ren watches Tokiya carefully, but he relents. Ren looks back out at the rest of the boys, Rika has moved to speak with Masato. 

Rika’s anger only progressed further. The first time it felt a bit more serious was when Tokiya came home and the apartment was trashed. Things, his, mostly, have been flung across the room. Nothing had been thrown at him, but she was still in the process of throwing things when he entered. Tokiya would manage to calm her down- this wasn’t his fault. As she explains what made her angry, she cries on Tokiya’s shoulder. Her grip on his arm hurts, and it really hurts when she gets especially mad and hits his bicep. Tokiya doesn’t say anything about it. He didn’t expect that she’d be type type to physically take out her frustration, but she was in tears and Tokiya wasn’t going to lecture her about being more careful. 

These venting sessions started to happen more. It slowly started to escalate as well, where she would begin to get more physical. If Tokiya would do something wrong, she’d smack him. Usually on his torso, or his back- they seem harmless but they’re hard enough to hurt. Tokiya doesn’t tell her anything. 

She yells less. That’s what Tokiya tells himself. At least the only person being bothered with her temper tantrums were him. Her tone often changed with him, too. Sometimes the only way he can think to describe her is a disappointed mother- she often talks to Tokiya like a child. Tokiya hated it. He hated being looked down on, or treated like he was lesser than her. 

Rika speaks to him harsher, too. She could still be very sweet. But she seemed to have started taking the angle that there’s so much wrong with him that nobody saw, but that she cared for him. She still tells him quite often that she loves him. Tokiya still says it back. 

He hadn’t been paying attention to the marks. He was used to them, when he glanced at himself in the mirror. To be fair, he bruised easily, too. That’s why his arm took on a sickly greenish bluish shade, and why there were other bruises, from spots where small hits hit in the same place. 

He liked it better when she hit him when he did something wrong. Because the alternative was her talking down to him, and telling him things he was already too aware about. Besides, it hardly hurt anymore anyways. And Tokiya believed her when she said she loved him. He didn’t want to upset her. He could handle this. 

Tokiya knew this was wrong, but he let it go on for months. If he was right, it was approaching six months. 

Ren didn’t say anything else, about Tokiya’s relationship, or about what could have been theirs. What could be, if Ren were being truthful all those months back. Tokiya finds himself believing them. Ren always has a look in his eyes when he looks at Tokiya, and Tokiya craves it. He didn’t get that with Rika. Tokiya doesn’t think even Rika looks at him that way. 

Sometimes Tokiya wonders if she wants him because he’s Tokiya, or if she wants him because he’s Tokiya Ichinose. Not to mention, he must be a good stress relief. The thought gives him a tired, dry smile. 

Ren had to say something, however, when the boys are getting changed and Ren notices Tokiya. Tokiya was getting changed fairly quickly, as he usually did, but he hasn’t had time to get on anything more than an undershirt when he feels fingers wrap around the inside of his elbow. The grip wasn’t hard to start with, but it releases when Tokiya flinches. It’s not over dramatic, it’s small and reflexive. “Toki, what happened to your arm?”

“I slammed it hard into the door yesterday.” This problem was no ones business but Tokiya’s. 

Ren looks at him for a minute. Ren doesn’t look like he believes him. “Toki.” Ren’s voice gets softer. It’s not in the same way as Rika’s gets. Tokiya feels like Ren’s concerned, and not like Ren’s undermining him. The feeling keeps Tokiya from getting annoyed at Ren’s prying. “If there were something going on, you’d tell me, right?”

“Don’t worry, Ren. I would.” 

Ren sighs. “Alright. But be careful.”

Tokiya smiles. “I will be.”

Tokiya came up with quite a few more excuses after that, because now Ren was looking for it. Tokiya would often show up in the clothes he was going to change into, just to avoid Ren’s questions. 

After one particularly nasty conversation, Tokiya had had it. He’d head out of his room, heading for Ren’s. He felt a bit bad, bringing his relationship problems to Ren, but he felt miserable and he knew that Ren would talk to him. 

Ren opens the door a moment after Tokiya knocks, and his face shifts from surprised to concerned once he takes Tokiya in. Tokiya hadn’t went to Ren’s room until he had stopped crying, but he was sure it was still obvious. “Come in.” Ren pushes the door open further and steps back. Tokiya enters the apartment. Ranmaru looks up at him from the table and Tokiya goes wide eyed. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your dinner.”

Ren squeezes his shoulder. “Don’t worry about it Toki. Have you eaten yet?”

“I haven’t, but you don’t have to feed me.”

“It’s our pleasure. Ran won’t admit it, but he loves having people eat his food.” Ren says, in a stage whisper. 

“Tch.” Ranmaru rolls his eyes, going back to his food. 

It’s pasta. “Is this a before dinner or after dinner situation?” Ren asks him, already starting to make Toki a plate. He turns his head to watch Tokiya’s face when he asks the question. 

“It can wait.” It isn’t a lie. The situation isn’t going to change between now and a plate of noodles. 

Ren nods, handing Tokiya the plate and urging him to sit at the table. They have a four person table, because this used to be a three person dorm. Tokiya takes a seat at one of the place sets without food in front of it. Ren comes back with a fork. 

Ranmaru doesn’t question or care that Tokiya has suddenly joined their dinner. 

“It’s good.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet but the compliment is genuine. “Thank you, Ranmaru. Ren.”

Ren smiles at him. Ranmaru grunts. Tokiya’s pretty sure that Ranmaru appreciated it. 

Because Tokiya was the last to start, he’s the last to finish. Ren seems to slow down his eating so that Tokiya isn’t left eating alone for an extended time, but despite trying to eat quicker, he feels like he’s eating even slower than usual. 

Ranmaru and Ren remain seated, their empty plates in front of them. Very shortly after Tokiya finishes, Ren speaks up. “So what’s going on, Toki?”

Tokiya tries not to focus on how he’s a bit nervous talking in front of Ranmaru. It wasn’t so much that it was Ranmaru- but Tokiya had somehow managed to space the fact that he wouldn’t only be talking to Ren. “I’m sorry. I don’t know if it’s fair for me to be bringing this to you- I just… got into it pretty badly with Rika.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. 

Ren reaches out, lightly squeezing Tokiya’s forearm. The wince is still there, and it’s still small. They both pick up on it, but other than seeming to watch him closer, neither man comments. “We’re your friends, Toki. Of course you can come talk to us if you’re upset.”

Tokiya nods, biting the corner of his lip. He had bit through it a little less than a week ago, and he tastes blood in his mouth shortly after he begins messing with it again. “Sometimes when we really get into it, she says some really terrible things. I normally don’t take it to heart-” That wasn’t true in the slightest. “But it got me tonight. I’m worried I’m being oversensitive.”

Ren’s frowns at the word Tokiya uses. “Why would you think that? That you’re being oversensitive?”

“She tells me I can be, sometimes.”

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. “How often do you two get into fights?” He asks, his voice careful.

“We get into a decent amount of fights.” Tokiya admits. These past two weeks, it’s been near constant. Every night. It wasn’t always this bad- Tokiya doesn’t know what he did. 

“What kind of things does she tell you?” Ren’s eyebrows are furrowed. Concerned. 

“Insults, mostly.” Rika had learned how to hit where it hurt. “I don’t know how many of them she means, but they’re nasty.” Tokiya isn’t sure how much he believes himself. He doesn’t know if she means them or not- he knows that she’s aware how much they sting. How bothered he gets by them. That’s why she uses them. It’s like bullying- only your bully doesn’t promise that they love you and they want the best for you. 

“And you said this happens a lot?” Ranmaru.

“Yeah.” Tokiya finally begins his backtrack. “But it’s been worse recently. I… suppose I didn’t ask her if anything was wrong.” It was hard to get a word in. But blaming himself felt unfortunately natural. 

“That’s no excuse. She shouldn’t be takin’ her bad days out on you.” Ranmaru scowls a bit. 

Tokiya shakes his head. He doesn’t feel the need to get overly defensive of her. Maybe he should. Tokiya doesn’t know, but it doesn’t matter, because he didn’t come to Ren and Ranmaru’s room to take their time, eat their food and get mad at them for something he chose to talk about. That wouldn’t be fair at all.

“I do it sometimes myself.” Tokiya mumbles. “Not on her, but I’ve definitely taken a bad mood out on STARISH before.”

“Toki, you’ve done that no more than three or four times in the years that we’ve been together. It’s okay if it happens once or twice, but if she’s constantly taking her days out on you, that isn’t fair.”

A balanced relationship, where all parties were equals. That’s what Tokiya had always wanted from a relationship. At first it was a way to escape what he had really wanted. An easy way out. 

Now, he thinks it’s the other way. He was led into the relationship from fear, and now he’s forced to stay because he’s afraid to leave. 

Not to mention how their lives were intertwined now. He wasn’t much help with that, but she had made her way in. “I know where you’re coming from, but I think I may have overreacted. I haven’t talked through any of this with her.”

Ren would sigh. “Communication is extremely important in relationships.” He relents. “I can’t see into your relationship, Toki. But I hope that you know yourself if it’s healthy or not.”

Tokiya nods. 

“Ren’s told me you’ve been hurting your arm a lot. You alright?” Tokiya doesn’t start, but it’s close. He’s just surprised that Ranmaru had asked him about that. He’d show Ranmaru, but the bruises aren’t healed. They still look terrible. But they aren’t quite as bad, because his other arm is sharing the load. 

“It’s fine. It’s unfortunate but they’re just bruises. Barely even hurts.” Ranmaru stares at him for a long moment. 

“If there was something wrong, you’d let us know, right, Toki?” Ren’s voice is gentle. Tokiya manages to look at Ren and smile. 

“Don’t worry. I would.”

Tokiya is hardly in the apartment when Rika strikes him across the face. She yells at him, for the first time in a long time, and Tokiya only barely registers her anger over Tokiya having stormed out. Tokiya raises his hand to his cheek, and he pulls it away to see blood. It isn’t much, but the sight of it shocks him. Tokiya waits for Rika’s anger to die down- but it flares up again before it dies, because Tokiya answers honestly when she asks where he went. 

Tokiya isn’t sure that she knows anything about his feelings, or theirs, but she’s still angry that he went to someone else. He just nods where he needs to nod. He’s too tired to take anything else to heart tonight, he can do that tomorrow. Once she’s released him, he heads to the bathroom. He sighs. 

Rika must have backhanded him with the hand that holds her ring, because there’s a cut below his cheekbone. His cheek might bruise. His chest constricts. He’ll have to call off tomorrow. 

And he does. He has a small band aid covering the cut, but there wasn’t much he could do about his cheek being a shade darker than his other one. The bruise was roughly the size of a hand. How hard had she hit him? Tokiya could hardly recall. That next morning she’d apologize to him. She’d ignore when he flinched back from her, setting her hand on his uninjured cheek. 

She would tell him that she’s sorry, and that she loved him. 

Ren would come around six, before Rika had gotten back home. Tokiya would look through the peephole, and he’d sigh a bit. He knew that missing today would alert Ren, because after yesterday his disappearance is suspicious. 

He’s come up with his story in a matter of seconds. He hated improv, but that didn’t mean he was bad at it. Ren’s eyes immediately land on his cheek, his eyes full of concern immediately. “Oh my god, Toki, what happened?” 

“I went out last night.” Tokiya sighs. “I know it’s extremely unprofessional to call in for drinking too much, but I overdid it and I said some dumb things and I got into… well… a bar fight. I took one hit and went down.”

Ren sighs. “Jesus. That’s not like you, Ichi. If I had realized you were that upset I wouldn’t have let you leave so early.”

“I know it wasn’t a great choice, but you can’t blame yourself. I didn’t even know I was going to do it. It was on a whim.”

“Then you’re only proving my point. You really must have been off.” Ren sighs, his eyebrows drawn in. Is there anything I can get you?” 

Tokiya shakes his head, managing a smile. “That’s kind, Ren, but I’m alright. I’ll be back at work tomorrow.”

“Only if you’re feeling up to it.” Tokiya often appreciated how lucky he was to have Ren as his friend. Ren was good at caring for Tokiya in a way that didn’t make him feel like a little kid. 

“Only if I’m feeling up to it.” Tokiya agrees. He knows that he’s going to be going to work tomorrow. One day off was one too many. 

“Rest up, and call me if you need anything.” Tokiya smiles. 

“Thanks, Ren. I appreciate it.”

That wasn’t the last time that Rika had hit Tokiya. It wasn’t a common occurrence, but whenever it happened she’d apologize and tell him that she loved him. 

Tokiya rarely said it back.

One night was the night where Tokiya really couldn’t ignore it anymore. She had gone off on a terrible, horrible tangent about Tokiya. 

Normally Tokiya would look at her, and internalize it, and just let her go off. But today had been an absolutely miserable day. 

“I don’t need to come home and listen to this.” Tokiya says, “You aren’t telling me anything new. You’re just trying to make me feel horrible and I can’t figure out why. What have I done to you?”

It’s a genuine question. Tokiya responding to Rika gives her pause. 

She narrows her eyes. 

“This is your job. When I’m upset you’re supposed to listen to me, and make me feel better. Why are you so upset about this now?” 

Ironic, that she spoke to him like a child. She was the real child of the relationship. 

“I’ve tried, Rika. I try. Every day. I can’t take this anymore.” Tokiya says quietly. He’s looking at her, leaning against the island. “You’re always so angry. And it’s usually at me, even though I don’t know what I’ve done to you. I don’t want to just throw away our relationship-” He wasn’t sure how true that was. “But I also can’t be your punching bag anymore. I’m tired, Rika. If you agree to see someone, I’ll stay. But I won’t continue down this path anymore.”

“What do you mean, see someone?” Rika’s face flickers. Scared. Angry. Sad.

“A therapist. I’ll pay for it, if you agree. You’re a good person, Rika, I know you are- but there are things that are killing our relationship. You can’t always take your anger out on me?”

“Who are you to tell me I have issues? What about you, Tokiya?” Rika had been holding a plate. It cracks, and breaks in her hand. Tokiya was shocked at her strength. But before he could think to be afraid of the upcoming outburst- he was worried she had hurt herself. He pushes himself away from the counter, alerted, but he takes a step back when she throws the plate at the ground near his feet. He couldn’t tell right now, but he doesn’t think any shards hit him. “I love you, Tokiya. And I might be the only one that ever does!” She’s sobbing. 

“Rika calm down. Please.” Tokiya’s voice is low. Soothing. He slowly approaches her. She had gotten like this before, but he was genuinely concerned that she had hurt herself with the plate. He couldn’t see any blood, but her hands were moving, knocking things over. “Please. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

“Who cares? You already did.” Rika’s in hysterics. This is worse than usual, Tokiya decides. He has a thought of walking out, of leaving. But he doesn’t know how she’ll take that in her state and he only wanted to break up with her. He doesn’t want her to hurt herself. 

“Please. Take some breaths.”

“No!” Rika’s thrown things in Tokiya’s direction before. She had never hit Tokiya before. He can’t turn away as she hits him with the nearest object to her, a glass. 

Tokiya had gotten too close. He hadn’t touched her- but he had slowly been approaching. He’s in shock, silent. She sobers, looking at Tokiya’s face. Tokiya’s hand hovers close to his face. The glass hit near his eye, but he has no idea how much damage had been done. He’s sure there’s blood. His hand shakes, and he backs away- he’s well and truly afraid at this point. 

“Tokiya. Toki- baby, I’m so-” Rika walks forward, cooing, shocked out of her rage. Tokiya feels his eyes tearing up. One of his eyes feels wet already. He guesses blood. He backs away from her, the only thought in his mind is to leave. To get away. He gets out of his apartment, closing the door before she can try to pull him back in. 

He’s shaking, and the sobs have started already. He has to leave.

He gets into the elevator and hits a button. He stumbles back, into the wall. The sobs have irritated his eye, and he’s starting to feel the pain. It makes his panicked sobs worse. He’s hiccuping, and wheezing, and his entire body is shaking so hard that he doesn’t know if he could stand up right now, his hand curled over his eye but not touching it. He doesn’t have anything but his phone on him, and right now he can’t see well enough through the blood and tears to even call anyone. 

What a sight he must have been, when the elevator opened at the lobby and Ranmaru stepped in and saw him. 

Tokiya doesn’t even realize that anyone has entered the elevator, at least not until he feels a pair of hands gripping his arms. He struggles away, at first, whimpering. “Tokiya, Tokiya it’s me.” Ranmaru is having issues holding him still. “Stop moving. Can you look at me?” Tokiya does stop struggling when he hears Ranmaru’s voice, and with some difficulty he can open the eye that isn’t glued shut with blood. “I’m gonna take you to my apartment and we’re going to figure out where we need to go from there.”

Ranmaru stands, to press the button to his floor, the one Tokiya had just left. Tokiya feels a fresh wave of panic rush over him, gripping onto Ranmaru’s pants leg with the hand that isn’t over his eye. Ranmaru still hadn’t managed to see the full extent. 

Ranmaru helps Tokiya up, and Tokiya lets him, but that’s as much as he can do right now to help. The doors open and Ranmaru leads him out. Tokiya’s eyes are both closed again. 

“Tokiya! Please, -” Tokiya cringes back, into Ranmaru, when he hears Rika’s voice. He’s trying to move back and away, and Ranmaru wastes no time in brushing her off. 

“I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I’m not dealing with you right now.” Ranmaru switches sides, now between her and Tokiya. Ranmaru knocks on the door to his apartment, and Ren opens it, confused. That changes when he sees Tokiya, and Tokiya feels Ren pull him into the apartment. Tokiya opens an eye, and it’s too wide and he’s glancing around too frantically. He catches sight of himself in the mirror. 

Ren notices. “Toki, don’t look.” 

It’s too late. She had smashed the glass against his temple. With his hand over his face, he could only see red covering half of his face. He could see a few stray pieces of glass lodged in his face. He moves his hand. His eye is already swollen, and there’s a piece of glass nauseatingly close to it. There’s a larger piece stuck in his cheek. 

“Come on, Toki, let’s sit you down. I’ll do what I can and if we have to take you to the hospital we will. Ran, will you stay with him?” 

Tokiya is clinging to Ren with one hand. Even Ranmaru doesn’t have the heart to pry Tokiya’s hand off, so after Ren has Tokiya sitting on one of their chairs, Ranmaru crouches down next to Tokiya and squeezes his leg. “Hey, focus on me, okay? We’re going to take care of you. I know it’s gotta hurt, but it’s going to be okay.” Ranmaru’s grabbed Tokiya’s hand, and it works, because Tokiya shifts his attention to Ranmaru, clutching at him now. Ren leaves to go get his first aid kit. 

Ren had a professional grade first aid kit, because he was the one the boys went to when they hurt themselves. Natsuki’s cooking burns. Tokiya’s injuries from going too hard at practice. Otoya’s sports injuries. And Tokiya had seen Ranmaru’s fingers bandaged, from bad days where he’s played his bass for too long, or went at it just a little too hard until his fingers were raw. 

Ranmaru’s next goal is to calm Tokiya. Tokiya’s still on full on panic mode, still in his fight or flight. He’s still terrified. “Focus on my voice, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s speaking slowly. Calmly. Like Tokiya was trying to do before Rika had lost it. That thought makes it worse, but Ranmaru continues. “Remember those bass lessons you asked me for, that we haven’t gotten around to? We’re going to get around to them, soon as we can. For real this time.” Tokiya lets out a slightly hysterical laugh, that ends in a sob he can’t help. 

Ren is back. Tokiya’s hand has made its way back over his eye. 

“I’m sorry, Toki, but I’m going to need you to lower your hand, okay?” Ren is the one that lowers it, with a bit of resistance from Tokiya, but Ranmaru sets his other hand on Tokiya’s newly lowered one. Ranmaru glances down, looking at the hem of Tokiya’s pants. “We’ve gotta get the eye first, but we might want to check his legs. I can’t tell how bad the cuts are, but his pants are pretty torn.” Ren nods. 

Ren moves another chair quickly, sitting down try to do what he can. Some of the glass was big enough that they could only be removed by hand. Ren had tweezers to get out the smaller pieces. There were a few times where Tokiya would let out a stifled sob, and a couple of times where Ranmaru would have to hold down his hands. Ren was careful to try to make it as quick and painless as he could. They both clearly wanted to know what happened, but they weren’t going to ask him yet. Right now, they just needed to figure out how bad his injury was. Ren is careful to make sure that all of the glass is removed before he wipes the semi-dried blood off of Tokiya’s face. 

Ranmaru was telling Tokiya about some of his crazier days with his old band, to keep him distracted. And it seemed to be working. Tokiya’s eyes were both still closed, but the shaking had slowed and his sobs had subsided. Thankfully, because the sobs were making it hard for Ren to be steady. Once Ren had the blood wiped away, he’d look carefully at the cuts. “No stitches.” Ren would say. “None of them are wide enough. I learned a lot from a medical course I took a while ago. My brother thought it would be a good idea. I think that class might have saved you a trip to the hospital.” Ren would squeeze Tokiya’s arm. 

Ren digs through the box, and he takes out a few different things. A few butterfly bandages, a few regular bandages, gauze and tape, antiseptic wipes, and superglue. Ranmaru raises his eye. Ren smiles, though it’s a bit strained. “One of the tricks. If it’s not bad enough for stitches or staples, they superglue it.” His voice turns gentler, warning. “It’s going to hurt a bit, Toki.” 

Tokiya swallows, but he doesn’t say anything. Ranmaru turns his hand so that he’s holding Tokiya’s. Giving Tokiya an option to squeeze his hand. Tokiya appreciates it. 

Ren uses the antiseptic first, and it burns. Tokiya grits his teeth, but when his face contorts, Ren has to pause. He rubs Tokiya’s back. “I know it hurts, honey, but try to keep a straight face, okay?”

Tokiya tries. Ren gets through the rest of it quickly. 

If Tokiya thought the antiseptic hurt, the glue hurt so much worse. He was squeezing Ranmaru’s hand so tightly he’s surprised that Ranmaru hasn’t reacted. Ranmaru’s winced, but Tokiya didn’t see that. 

The bandages were much better. They still stung, touching his cuts, but they didn’t burn. Ren moves to a spot in front of Tokiya, and he kneels down. Ranmaru moves a bit to the side without letting go of Tokiya’s hands. 

Ren takes off Tokiya’s shoes, and he notices that the top of Tokiya’s socks are wet with blood. Ren takes those off as well, setting both the shoes and the socks to the side. He frowns, trying to carefully roll up Tokiya’s jeans. They’re too tight to roll up high enough. And Ren can see a few pieces lodged in Tokiya’s legs and he’s afraid to push them in deeper. 

“Toki, do you think you can stand?” 

Tokiya nods. Ranmaru stands to help Tokiya up, finally letting go of his hands. 

“Is it bad?” Tokiya asks, his voice hoarse and shaky. It was the first time either of them had heard him speak since the elevator. 

“It’s not good. But it isn’t a hospital visit.”

“...More glue?”

“More glue.” 

Ranmaru lets out an amused sigh at the exchange. 

“But I’m going to need you to change pants so I can see your legs. I’m going to grab you some sweatpants.”

Tokiya doesn’t nod, because his entire face still hurts like hell. And he has a killer headache. He guesses that’s what happens when you have a cup smashed into your head. If he wasn’t so tired, that would bring a dry, humorless smile to his face. 

Ren grabs a pair of pants from a drawer. Tokiya and Ren were roughly the same pants size, Tokiya had learned from practices, and tours, and virtually anywhere that they changed clothes and could accidentally grab each others. He and Otoya were about the same size, too. 

“Do you think you can change by yourself?” Ren asks, walking back over with the pants. Tokiya takes a step forward, but his head rushes and he nearly falls over. 

“I’m gonna say no.” Ranmaru has managed to catch him, and Tokiya grips onto Ranmaru’s arm. He doesn’t argue. 

He can’t remember the last time he had to have someone help him change. Ren steps forward, his hand on Tokiya’s cheek. Tokiya’s eye is open, and Ren looks closely into it. “We’re going to need to watch for a concussion. We’re going to have a long night, Toki.”

“Isn’t that an old wives tale?” Tokiya mumbles. 

“Maybe. But it’s easier to see your symptoms when you’re awake.”

Tokiya wouldn’t mind going to sleep, but he wasn’t falling asleep. He could handle being awake for a while. Ren unbuttons his jeans, pulling them down as he lowers into a crouch. It’s very business like. That thought almost makes Tokiya laugh. 

He knows that Ren’s only being so straight to the point because he doesn’t want Tokiya to feel uncomfortable. Tokiya might feel uncomfortable if he weren’t so damn tired. At this point, he doesn’t care what Ren does. There’s too much pain for him to be ashamed right now.

Ren is very careful when bringing the pants over Tokiya’s wounds. That plate must have shattered higher than Tokiya thought. None of the pieces were overly large, all hidden by his pants. 

Ren’s next question comes from Tokiya’s lack of reaction to his pants having been removed. He asks it as he carefully gets Tokiya to lift his legs, one at a time, to slide the pants off. It’s a bit difficult with how unsteady he is. “Would you mind if we took care of the cuts before you changed pants? It’s okay to say no.”

Tokiya begins crying. It was stupid, and simple- but this entire night so far they had been attentive, and caring, and Tokiya had forgotten what this felt like. Tokiya wasn’t sure that he had ever really experienced it. Sure, here and there from Ren, and even some points from Ranmaru- but he had spent almost a year in a relationship where his feelings weren’t considered, and to have two people so genuinely concerned for him was almost too much to handle. Ren has stood up, and Ranmaru’s tensed at his side. 

“Toki?” Ren asks carefully, his hand moving to Tokiya’s shoulder. “Does it hurt…?” 

“No.” Tokiya says, his voice shaking. “I mean, yes. But that’s… I’m okay. It’s been a really long day.” His voice is almost a whine. It makes him cringe, but Ren and Ranmaru don’t react. “I can wait to put on the pants.”

It doesn’t seem to make them feel any better, but Ranmaru helps Tokiya back into the chair, and Ren places the folded sweatpants on the table, and crouches to look at Tokiya’s legs before he gets any supplies. 

Ren takes care of it in the same way that he took care of Tokiya’s face. At least this time there were less cuts, and less glue. Ren seemed to have an easier time taking care of them. They didn’t hurt quite as bad, either. 

Ren would stand, depositing the trash and grabbing the sweatpants. He’d roll them up and crouch down again by Tokiya, pulling them over his feet and up to his thighs. Ranmaru would help Tokiya stand, and Ren would pull the pants up the rest of the way. 

Tokiya can find it in himself to be a bit more embarrassed. 

Ranmaru moves Tokiya over to a bed. There are three in the room, but two of the queens were pushed together to make one large bed. The large bed is the one Ranmaru leads Tokiya to. Tokiya leans against the bed frame. Ren sits in front of Tokiya, lower on the bed. Ranmaru sits next to Ren, towards the lower right corner of the bed. 

Tokiya knows what’s coming next. 

Ren reaches forward, squeezing Tokiya’s knee. “What happened, honey?” His voice is gentle and patient. 

Tokiya wraps his hands around his legs, resting his chin on his knee. “It was a fight.” His lip quivers. “I told her I couldn’t deal with her taking everything out on me all the time, and she started throwing things. She broke a plate, and I was trying to make sure she was okay.” Tokiya was tearing up again. The shakes haven’t returned, but the feeling of fear has. “She’s thrown things at me before, but she never actually hit me with anything.”

It was hard to read Ren and Ranmaru’s expressions. There was hidden anger in Ranmaru’s. The best word Tokiya can think for Ren is horrified. 

“How-” Ren finds himself almost lost for words. “How long has she been throwing things at you during fights, Tokiya?” 

“A few months after she moved in.”

“And the bruises you had a while back?”

Tokiya nods, very slightly. “Yes. Those were her, too. She got explosive, sometimes, when she was angry. I don’t think she understood how hard she was hitting me. I don’t think her intention was to hurt me. I-” Tokiya raises a hand, running it through his hair. He swallows hard. “I didn’t. I don’t know anymore. She seemed horrified when she realized what she did but- we were so close. She might have been in some sort of state, but for a second, she knew what she was doing. She had to aim at me. She hit me so hard.” Tokiya is curled in on himself. He’s crying again. “Rika hit me a few times. It… was never anything that I couldn’t handle. This one hurt. Oh my god she could’ve killed me.” Tokiya’s last thought comes out as a whimper. 

“Oh, Toki.” Ren moves, off of the bed and then further up it, rubbing Tokiya’s back. 

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. There aren’t many emotions in it, and Tokiya imagines that it’s because he doesn’t want to further upset Tokiya. 

“I didn’t think it was a big deal.” Tokiya would shake his head. “I knew it was wrong, to some extent. But it wasn’t as if she had really been hurting me. It was… hard. Listening to her talk to me sometimes. You asked me before what she told me and it was… I don’t know if it’s the truth. It felt like the truth. It still almost does. A lot of it, anyways. But it was always about everything wrong with me, things wrong with me that she didn’t even realize until she had met me. She liked to tell me that no one else would love me, because she could accept my flaws. The ones she’d always remind me about. I think I finally figured out what I was to her. I was moldable. If she told me to sit, I’d sit. I wasn’t… a person, to her. Not really. I don’t know if I ever was. I was just… her idol boyfriend.” Tokiya laughs bitterly. “If I hadn’t had such a bad day- no, if I hadn’t talked back to her, I wouldn’t be here.”

“But you’d still be stuck in the cycle.” Ren says. “I can’t tell you how much I wish it hadn’t come to this. I’m sorry, that she’s been hurting you for this long and we haven’t stepped in. You didn’t deserve any of that. It… does seem like she has some problems she needs to work out. Thank you for talking to us about this. I think you’re going to have a lot of trouble moving past this. I really hope that you let us help you through this, in the future. But for right now, I think it may be best that you stay with us, or with Ikki or one of the other boys, until everything’s been settled.”

Tokiya just nods. Ranmaru’s eyes are furrowed. 

“Why did you stay with her?” Ranmaru’s voice is careful. “I’m- not tryin’ to judge you. I just can’t understand. I want to know.”

Tokiya takes a second to answer. “She told me, multiple times a day that she loved me. Dealing with everything she threw at me seemed like a small task compared to the way I thought I’d make her feel if I left her. I… may have been able to leave. Early on. But-” Tokiya closes his eyes. He’d swallow hard. He wasn’t sure if now was the time to admit this, but he wasn’t sure he ever would if he didn’t right now. At least there wasn’t the fear of rejection. There was just a lot of vulnerability. “I was with her because it was safe. A straight, two person relationship. I thought that if I could force myself into the pattern that… I don’t know.” He sounds miserable. “I wasn’t worried about hurting you two, because you had each other. And I wanted to be a part of it, but I was afraid to. And it didn’t work, because I think I thought about… this… my entire relationship. I just ignored it, and then I got myself in too deep and I felt like I didn’t have any option other than to continue.”

Ren sighs. He’d move his hand up Tokiya’s back to squeeze his shoulder. “Communication is important, Toki.” He says, his voice quiet. “But I never lied to you. We both care for you.” Ranmaru nods. Tokiya’s chest constricts- he had been taking Ren’s word. This was the first true confirmation from Ranmaru he had gotten, and it felt very natural. “We need to give it time, though. Especially after this…”

“Disaster?” Ranmaru inputs. 

“That’s a word for it.”

Tokiya would nod. 

“Do you want to watch somethin’?” Ranmaru asks, after a second of silence. “Since you need to stay up, anyways.”

Tokiya would nod, and Ren would seem to think of something. “Speaking of which- do we need to ask some of the other boys about sleeping arrangements?”

Tokiya would shake his head. “If the offer is still on the table, I’d like to sleep here.”

“Of course.” Ren stands, and offers Tokiya a hand. Tokiya takes it, but he’s more steady on his feet now. Ren tilts Tokiya’s head towards him after releasing Tokiya’s hand. “Your eye is going to be very swollen.” He’d sigh. Tokiya cringes. “I think it’s safe to ice it now. I’m going to clean up the trash from earlier and I’ll bring back some ice for you.” 

“Thank you.”

Ren would smile, and Tokiya would make his way to the couch. Ranmaru’s already on it, remote in hand. “In the mood for anything specific?” 

Tokiya shakes his head. Rika was the only one that used the TV in his apartment. He’d watch movies every once in a while, but he mostly read. 

Ranmaru would just put something on. Tokiya’s face still hurt. His legs weren’t too bad. Ren would join them a moment later, holding a washcloth, inclosing a bag of ice. Tokiya would hold it to his eye, carefully, gritting his teeth and wincing. “You want some aspirin?” Ranmaru would offer.

“Please.” Ranmaru would stand, this time, though Ren would move, too, at first. Ranmaru would’ve waved him back. Ranmaru comes back with two tablets and a bottle of water. Tokiya takes the tablets as Ranmaru opens the bottle, and once Tokiya has the pills in his mouth Ranmaru hands him the water. Tokiya has to take two drinks to swallow the pills, but he manages. 

They keep him up most of the night, but after a few hours of acting fine they let him sleep. He sleeps in the extra bed, borrowing one of Ranmaru’s shirts. 

“Just so you know, I’ll tell the boys tomorrow that you won’t be in. You can choose what you tell them when you’re okay to go back.” Ren tells Tokiya. Tokiya doesn’t fight him on it. Going to work sounds terrible. There’s a first time for everything, Tokiya guesses. “But I’ll try to get back early. If neither of us are here tomorrow, help yourself to anything. We’ll make sure we leave the aspirin on the table, and if we forget it’s just in the bathroom.” Ren smiles at Tokiya, and Tokiya musters up a small smile in return. 

“I know I’ve said this a few times, but thank you. Both of you. I- I don’t know how I would have made it through tonight without you.” 

“Of course, Toki.”

“Anytime. But maybe not this exact situation.” 

Tokiya wakes up to knocking on the door. He gets up, pressing his non injured eye to the peephole before he even registers he isn’t in his apartment. He freezes, memories flooding back to him, when he realizes that it’s Rika. 

“Tokiya? I know you’re in there. Answer the door, please.”

Tokiya has no idea why he opens the door, but he does. Only a crack. She breathes out in relief. 

“Baby, sweetie, I’m so sorry.” Rika places a hand against the door. “I took it too far, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I love you, Toki, with all of my heart.” 

Tokiya swallows hard. He feels his hands shaking. 

He can’t ignore the fear he feels when he looks at her. 

Tokiya’s face hurts. 

Tokiya doesn’t stop the door when her gentle pressure nudges it out of his hands. He flinches, harshly, when she grabs his face, but she doesn’t pull away from him. 

“I’m so sorry.” Rika repeats. “Please Toki, come back home with me. I love you so much. I don’t want to lose you. I’d never do this again. We can fix this.” When she grabs his hands, he’s still frozen. When she pulls, he moves, almost in a trance. His eyes are blurry, but there aren’t any fallen tears. 

And then there’s another voice. “Don’t you think you’ve caused enough trouble?” 

It’s Ren. Rika lets go of Tokiya’s hands, stepping in front of Tokiya. 

“Thank you for taking care of him, but we’ve talked, and he’s coming back with me.”

Tokiya has almost never seen Ren angry, but Ren looks angry now. “Why don’t we ask him?” 

Tokiya takes a step back, towards Ren’s apartment. Ren looks at Rika. He doesn’t look smug. He just looks serious. “I think that’s his answer. Please leave.” 

“Tokiya’s mine, Ren. You can’t take him from me.”

“I didn’t. You lost him when he realized how horrible you were to him. I only regret that moment didn’t come sooner.” Ren walks towards Tokiya, passing Rika. Rika reaches out, to Tokiya, and Ren intervenes, stepping between them. “I hope that you find something to help you, and that one day you’re better. And I mean that genuinely. But right now, you’re unhealthy, and I refuse to stand by and watch you bring Tokiya down with you.” Tokiya has backed his way into the apartment, and Ren closes the door behind himself. He turns to Tokiya, his eyebrows furrowed. “Toki, please be careful about opening the door.”

Tokiya flinches, harshly, when Ren talks. He looks down, like a scolded child, the tears in his eyes finally spilling over. Ren’s voice wasn’t angry, or harsh. It wasn’t condescending. But the entire situation had Tokiya on edge.

“Oh, honey, no.” Ren’s face has softened, and his voice had become more gentle. Tokiya sees him, approaching Tokiya slowly. Tokiya doesn’t flinch away this time, and when Ren sees this he pulls Tokiya into a hug. It’s a tight, comforting hug. “I’d never. I would never lay a hand on you, Tokiya. There is nothing you could ever do to get me to hurt you. I know it was reflexive. I really hope you didn’t think I would. But I just want you to know that I’m never going to hurt you. Ranmaru would never either, no matter how angry he got.” Tokiya’s sobbing again. He’s done a lot of crying recently. 

Ren rubs his back. “It’s okay.” He says gently. “It’s alright. From now on you’re going to be safe. I’m going to make sure of that.”


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning ; torture

“We’re done.” Tokiya says, his voice cold. 

It was the hardest thing he had ever done. Ren’s face looked panicked. Borderline broken. 

“Toki, no, please. Why? We can talk this out.” Ren tries to walk closer to Tokiya, but Tokiya turns his back on Ren. When Ren tries to grab his arm, he yanks it away. 

“I can’t do this anymore, Ren. We’re too different. I tried to make it work, but I’m miserable.” Tokiya felt bile rise in his throat, but his face remains closed off. He can’t afford to let it slip, even if Ren can’t see his face right now. And Ren was supposed to be the liar. This was one of the hardest things Tokiya had ever done, but he couldn’t mess this up. For Ren’s sake. How ironic. “I’ve already put in my notice, and the agency’s approved it. I’m being relocated tomorrow.” 

“Tokiya, please. I’ll come with you.” Tokiya can imagine Ren’s face too well. Twisted with pain, his eyes bright with panic and the beginning of tears that Tokiya can hear in his voice, the pitch too high for Ren’s normal low, smooth tone. “I don’t understand.” His voice breaks. “I know we’ve been a little off lately, but we can fix it. Give me a chance to fix this.” 

This hasn’t come entirely out of the blue. Tokiya had been given a months notice, and he’s been distant. That’s the runner up for worst memories of his life. Having to ignore Ren. Pretending like he was fed up and annoyed. Pushing down his usual flustered feelings in exchange for indifference and unfeeling gazes. 

“There’s no way to fix this, Ren.” Tokiya snaps. 

“I only wanted you to feel loved, Toki. I love you so much.” Ren’s started crying. He’s trying to hide it from his voice. 

They had been together for almost four years. 

“Was it too much? I can tone it down. I can’t lose you, Tokiya. I’d do anything.”

“It’s all too little, too late, Ren. There’s nothing you can do now, and I don’t think there’s anything you could have done. It was written in the stars for this relationship to fail. Take care of yourself, Ren.”

Tokiya leaves. Ren tries to follow him, but Tokiya’s entered the elevator and jabbed the close door buttons, just before Ren can stick his hand between the door to stop it. 

Tokiya had caught sight of Ren’s face. Upset. Frustrated. Pleading. There were tears staining his cheeks. 

That was the last time he was ever going to see Ren’s face. 

Tokiya holds himself together until he can make it into a bathroom, heading towards the very back. He locks the door, and he stays quiet for a moment, making sure he’s alone. He sobs. 

It had been a code, sent to the computers. Tokiya wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be the one who saw it, but considering he was the lead intelligence, he did. It was a threat from another Agency, a rival one. They had information on Tokiya’s Agency, and the heads were given an ultimatum. 

Everything would be handed over at the trade of one of the Agency’s highest ranking Agents. A loss smaller than the release of the information, but a lose-lose situation either way. A lose-lose situation in Tokiya’s eyes, anyways. When he brought this forward to the heads, they didn’t seem to treat it with the same devastation that Tokiya felt by it. Tokiya remembers his thoughts, of how he pitied the person who would be sent. Agencies were cruel, Tokiya’s included, but Tokiya’s was one of the better ones. He couldn’t even begin to picture what would happen to the poor soul who would be offered up. As Tokiya would turn to leave, the heads would already start discussing, murmuring. 

Tokiya only heard a few choice phrases, but they were enough to stop him. 

“Suit team.”

“Tricky heart?”

“Best loss, I think.”

“What?” Tokiya’s voice is sharp, and he turns his head, his hand leaving the doorknob. 

The heads don’t seem happy, but Tokiya isn’t going to leave. Not while Ren was on the line. 

“We haven’t decided anything, Perfect Diamond. We suggest you head out.”

“No. Not if my team is at stake.” Tokiya’s face is set. He wasn’t usually the type to fight authority, but this wasn’t happening on his watch. 

“Unless you’re volunteering yourself, this doesn’t concern you.”

“Then I am. I’ll go.” Tokiya’s mouth speaks before his brain can catch up. 

If he doesn’t volunteer, then it’s Ren. Even if it isn’t- it’s Ranmaru. Or Camus. 

But he doubts it would be, anyways. Strength is always useful, and Camus isn’t a real option. He’s probably the best they have. It’s hard to replace a jack of all trades. Tokiya supposes that the mouth of the operation is important, but expendable. But to be fair, so is the intelligence position. There were other intelligent people on other teams. 

“You have one month, Agent Perfect Diamond. If you don’t show up, we’ll decide on our candidate.” 

If he doesn’t show up, it’s Ren.

Tokiya remembers returning to the room he shared with Ren that night. 

He had thrown himself on Ren, trying to give himself a night of indulgence before he had to convince Ren that something wasn’t right. Ren had been confused, but more than happy to oblige, after Tokiya had convinced Ren that it was merely a rough day. 

Ren had almost always been kind and sweet to Tokiya. Their original meeting was… a little rough. But they hadn’t had problems since. Ren had tried so hard to get Tokiya to talk to him, but Tokiya wouldn’t.

It takes him hours to leave the bathroom. He leaves the room at ten pm. His deadline was midnight. 

He regrets making Ren feel the way he’s feeling, but Tokiya can’t have Ren looking for him. He can’t have Ren put himself in danger for him. He doesn’t want Ren to know that he’s heading towards near certain death. He couldn’t have Ren trying to stop him. 

It would be better if Ren assumed that Tokiya had just gone. Had gone to live a life in some discreet location, safe from all of the Agencies dangers. Ren didn’t need to know. 

Tokiya would never regret giving his life for Ren’s. Ren deserved to live.

Not that Tokiya felt that he didn’t. Tokiya wishes that he and Ren had left together before all of this mess. Had convinced Ranmaru and Camus to join them, somehow. 

Tokiya wishes he had met Ren and had never joined the Agency. Tokiya wipes the tears off of his face, and washes his face in the sink. He prays that he won’t run into Ren before he leaves, but he isn’t that lucky. Ren’s leaning outside of the Agency door. 

He knew that’s where Tokiya would head. 

Ren doesn’t say anything. He just watches Tokiya, like a lost puppy. 

Tokiya swallows, not quite meeting Ren’s eye. He walks into the office with his head hung. The last thing he hears from Ren is a soft, “I love you, Toki.”

Tokiya wishes he could say it back. 

He can’t.

He can’t risk it.

The door closes behind him.

The trade happens late at night. Tokiya’s heart stops when he sees his escort. 

It’s Camus. 

Camus doesn’t say anything. On the way there, Tokiya speaks, his voice tired and strained. “You can’t tell Ren about this.”

“It’s classified information. If you didn’t tell him, I don’t have the place to.” 

Tokiya swallows, and nods. Camus seems tense. Tokiya only notices because of how long he’s known Camus. 

The trade off is fast. They have handcuffs for Tokiya, and Tokiya lets them put them on him. They hand Camus a flashdrive. 

“If we find that you’re holding anything from us, you will have a hell bent Agency on your tail.” Camus’ voice is cold. 

“That’s everything. A deal’s a deal.” The leader scoffs, clicking his tongue. Camus narrows his eyes, but he leaves. They don’t stop him. 

Tokiya is led into a cell. It’s almost entirely empty. No bed, no chair. There’s a toilet in the corner of the room, and that’s it. Besides the jail cell, it’s all made of concrete. Tokiya wonders when they’ll kill him. 

He very shortly begins to wish that’s what they had planned for him, but it’s worse. Of course it is. 

It doesn’t take long for Tokiya’s cell to be opened and for two men, both larger than Tokiya, to grab him by both arms and force him out of the room. 

Tokiya’s already scared, and then they force a bag over his head. He feels himself being led into another room, and strapped to a table. It takes a second for anything to happen, and then he feels freezing cold water being poured over his face. His heart speeds up, and he begins struggling. His head hurts, and he’s sputtering, and he can’t breathe. It’s so cold. 

It stops. He’s gasping, trying to regain his breath, but it’s already hard, and he hasn’t completely caught it when they begin it again. 

It starts. It stops. It starts. 

Tokiya doesn’t know how long he’s going through this, but it feels like days. He feels like it’s never going to end. 

He wishes it would stop but he knows it isn’t going to. 

It does stop. Finally. 

He feels something sharp against the inside of his forearm, and he lets out a sharp whimper when there’s pain there. 

They pour the water again. 

He thought this was done. 

He feels the knife move along his body, creating more shallow cuts. The entire time the water boarding continues to start, and stop, and start. 

There’s so much. He can’t handle this. 

Tokiya wasn’t very good with pain. He knew how to aim, and to shoot a gun, and even then he was backstage for most of their missions. He wasn’t even a fighter.

He was the intelligence. 

He can already barely stand when they lead him back to his cell. They’re partially dragging him. 

Tokiya doesn’t understand what they want. 

The next day, the waterboarding happens again. They redraw the cuts over his body. His throat aches so badly, and his head hurts. 

By the third day, his chest is starting to hurt. 

The fourth day, he’s led to a different room. He doesn’t have the bag. 

He sees a machine, and it’s something he feels like he’d see at a hospital about thirty years ago. 

Tokiya isn’t entirely sure, but he believes it’s something they used for electrotherapy. 

“No.” Tokiya’s voice is croaky, and it sends blinding stabs of pain through his chest, and up his throat. He feels so sick already. “Please, no.” The pain is horrific, but he doesn’t want to be attached to that machine.

His pleas fall on deaf ears. 

He’s wrestled into the chair. Not that Tokiya has much strength to fight with right now. He struggles the best that he can as he’s strapped into the chair. His struggling is forced to cease when his arms are stuck to the chair, and his feet are strapped to the chair legs. His head is slammed into the back of the chair and a strap wraps around his forehead. 

He feels cool metal press against both sides of his temples, and his eyes widen in absolute fear. The whimpers rip through his chest, but not as terrible as the scream feels when it erupts from his chest when they hit him with the electricity. 

He doesn’t know what hurts worse. The broken glass feeling that tears through his lungs, or the burning that he can feel, straight through his skull and into his brain. His body jerks against the restraints, and it was beyond his control. 

He loses track of this, too. All he knows is that it goes on too long. 

And later that night, when he’s alone, leaning against the wall, he can’t control the spasms that travel through his body. 

The cuts all over his body aren’t agonizing, but it keeps him in a permanent discomfort. Not to mention the pain that every breathe brings, and the fact that his head hurts from his very existence. He wishes they’d just kill him. 

But he asked for this. 

And he wasn’t innocent. He thinks off all of his jobs. 

Maybe this is what he deserved. Maybe all of this pain was supposed to happen to him. Tokiya wasn’t a good person. 

The next few days alternate between electrocution and water boarding. Five days later, he’s slumped in his cell with his eyes closed. His entire body feels warm, and he feels so sick. His chest still hurts, and breathing is almost unbearable. He’s sure he has a fever. 

What he doesn’t expect is to hear a voice.

“Toki?” The voice sounds distant, but Tokiya looks up. He can barely keep his eyes open, but he sees a familiar orange color. It’s warm, and soft, but Tokiya nearly loses it when his brain registers that it’s Ren. 

No. 

Ren’s in the cell with him. When did he get there? 

He’s sitting in front of Tokiya. Tokiya’s is frozen. 

No. 

Ren doesn’t talk anymore. Tokiya selfishly wants to hear his voice. 

“Why are you here?” Tokiya isn’t even sure if he’s understandable. His voice is so hoarse, like it’s gone and he’s trying to talk anyways. It hurts. It hurts so bad. 

Ren doesn’t answer. He just looks at Tokiya. Tokiya pushes himself off the wall. He was handcuffed when he was in his cell, so he crawls forward on his knees. He falls forward. He should fall into Ren, but he hits the floor. When he looks up, Ren isn’t there. 

He keeps seeing Ren. And it’s not just that night. Ren keeps coming. He rarely talks to Tokiya. Tokiya cries every time he sees him. Tokiya knows it’s a hallucination. He doesn’t want Ren to be there. He wants Ren. 

Tokiya’s in so much pain. 

The next day, Tokiya doesn’t go to the water boarding room or the electrocution room. 

It’s an equally rough session. The cuts are deeper. They hurt so bad. Tokiya whimpers weakly with each one, and the pain in his chest only seems to grow by the day. 

He feels dead. 

He feels like he’s dying. 

Why can’t he die?

Finally, Tokiya’s attention fails him. He feels the knife cutting into his skin, but for a blissful second he couldn’t feel the pain. 

And then he feels the hammer slam down onto his knee, and his scream of anguish as his kneecap cracks brings back all of the pain full force. 

He’s beat severely. He’s bloody all over, and he can’t see by the end of the session, his eyes are so swollen, as hit after hit lands anywhere that it can. Tokiya’s wrist slips out of the rope binding him. He brings his hand up, reflexively, he pushes back his attacker, trying to flee from the pain. He feels a sharper pain in his side, and he looks down. There’s something sharp in his side- a scalpel. It stops him and his hands in restrained. He’s heaving, and the noises he’s making feel like hell. 

They leave him alone in his cell to sit in pain for days. They had fed him, just enough to keep him alive, but he can almost feel himself withering away in the cell. No one comes. 

It keeps repeating. Tokiya feels like he’s on the edge of death for months. He’s there for three. He’s had multiple operations, no numbing medication or anesthesia. They were to keep him alive. 

Tokiya looked like a skeleton. His arms were always bruised and cut. His eyes were so swollen most of the time that he could barely see the damage. 

Everytime he was sure that he was going to die, they’d bring him back. 

Ren kept appearing in his room. 

He’d sob, and he’d plead with himself. Every time he saw Ren was more painful than the last. He craved Ren’s touch. He knew he’d never really see Ren again. The visions weren’t comforting. 

Ren would only ever look at him. He had only spoken once.

He passes out. He wakes up when people start to move him, and he panics, but he’s met with the butt of a gun to his head and it puts him right back out.

He wakes up again, lying on concrete, but this one is different. He can still hardly see his surroundings, but he’s in front of a door. A door?

Tokiya feels a foot, nearly stepping on him. There’s a pounding on the door, and the person behind Tokiya disappears. Tokiya closes his eyes. He hears the door open. 

He just wants it all to end. 

“What the fuck?” Tokiya hears a disgusted mumble. 

Tokiya whimpers. He claws weakly at his chest. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. 

“What?” 

Tokiya recognized the first voice. 

Tokiya really recognizes the second. 

“Oh shit.” There’s quiet realization in the first voice, and he speaks quickly, but it’s too late. “Ren, don’t-”

No. 

This is fake. 

It has to be. 

But Ren’s talking. Tokiya wasn’t sure if this was better. 

“Oh God.” Ren’s voice is a bit horrified, but the tone changes tenfold as realization seems to hit him. “Oh, God, no- Tokiya?” If his voice had been horrified before, his voice was borderline hysterical now. 

Tokiya cries. Tokiya curls in on himself. It hurts. 

He wants to cover his ears, but he can’t. One of his hands had been crushed. Both of his knees, and one of his feet had been as well. The other hand was hard to move from so long being unable to. 

“You’re not real.” He whimpers to himself. By God did it hurt, but not as much as his foolish hope did. If that’s even what it was at that point. “You’re not real.” His voice is horrible. It sounds as bad as he looks. 

“We’ve gotta get him medical attention. I’ll contact the hospital ward.” Tokiya assumes it’s Ranmaru. It would make sense, if he’s hearing Ren. 

He still doesn’t believe it. 

Tokiya hears someone moving towards him, and all he can do is whimper, like an injured puppy. He can barely see the figure approaching him. 

Tokiya flinches, sending pain through his body, when he feels someone sit on the ground next to him. He feels his head being carefully lifted, and it’s set on something softer. 

It’s someone’s lap. 

Tokiya feels hands on the side of his face, the touch so light that he only just feels it. 

“I’m so sorry I let you leave, honey.” It’s Ren’s voice.

Tokiya had never been able to feel Ren in his visions. 

Ren was either there, or Tokiya was in the process of dying. 

Tokiya was fine with either one. 

Either way, it was over. 

He’d cry. He doesn’t think that any tears are coming out, but the sobs wracking his body hurt so bad. 

“I’m never going to leave you again, Toki. We’re going to leave. We’re going to get you better, and we’re going to leave this Agency and you’re never going to be in danger again.” Ren’s voice is thick with emotion. Tokiya thinks that Ren is crying. “And we’re going to live a normal life, with no more missions, and no more enemies.” Ren is speaking slowly. It’s easy for Tokiya to follow. He can hear a voice in the background- it must be Ranmaru. “We’ll be somewhere remote, and it’ll be me and you, honey. No one will know where we are, and we can go back to living normal lives. We’ll be able to relax for once, and we can sit on the couch, and you can just read.” Ren still sounds upset, but his voice is calming. Tokiya’s dry sobs slow. “I love you, Toki. I’ve loved you for years, and I still love you. I’m never going to stop. And I’m always going to be here. I’m never going to leave you alone again. No one will ever, ever touch you again.” 

“They’ve got a gurney comin’.” Ranmaru mumbles, having arrived back closer to Ren and Tokiya. 

Ren doesn’t verbally respond. Tokiya doesn’t hear Ranmaru return inside. 

Tokiya’s so tired, but he’s in too much pain to fall unconscious. 

True to Ranmaru’s word, Tokiya hears something roll up. If this is real, and this isn’t just him dying, he must be inside of the Agency. Of his own Agency. He has no idea how they got him inside. 

But he knows enough about the Agency to know that he isn’t allowed to go to the hospital, but they have a decent sized medical wing on site. It has twenty four seven medics on duty. 

Tokiya’s case was one reason why this was a thing. 

Tokiya wasn’t the first Agent to be tortured. 

Tokiya cries out when the medics lift him, using his unbroken hand to try to claw at his throat. 

The medics strap him down to the table, and Tokiya loses it, fully panicking and fighting. “No, no, no, no, no.” Tokiya’s struggling, and crying, and it doesn’t matter that it hurts, because if they pin him down it’s going to hurt worse. He doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. 

“Toki, toki, toki, listen to me. Please, focus on my voice, Tokiya. You’re okay. They’re going to help you. You’re okay. You’re safe. You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep struggling, please calm down. I’m not going to let anything happen to you again.” Tokiya feels hands on his cheeks and he hears Ren’s voice. He stops struggling, but his hysterical crying isn’t done. 

Ren’s hands have to leave Tokiya when they begin to roll him away, but Tokiya doesn’t hear them tell Ren to leave, so Tokiya’s hoping that Ren stayed. It’s a few minutes until they get Tokiya to the medical wing. 

They sedate him very shortly after they arrive. 

Tokiya wakes up in pain, but it’s the least amount of pain that he’s been in for as long as he can remember. He can actually stand this pain. 

When he opens his eyes, things are still blurry, and his eyes still hurt, but he can see. 

He can see that Ren’s with him. Tears spring to Tokiya’s eyes immediately. He sits up, and he’s barely able to. Ren is asleep. Tokiya ignores the pain that’s very quickly increasing, and he’s leaning over his bed, trying to reach for Ren. To touch Ren. To make sure that Ren’s really with him and that he isn’t just hallucinating again. Tokiya grits his teeth, and the fingers of his better hand brush Ren’s arm. Ren’s skin is soft, and real, and touchable. But it makes Ren stir, and Ren blinks, looking up at Tokiya. 

Ren looks tired, but he still stands quickly, pushing Tokiya down. Ren isn’t applying much pressure, but Tokiya’s body gives immediately. “You’re okay.” Ren mumbles, his voice groggy. “I’ve got you. You’re safe.” 

Tokiya didn’t deserve for Ren to be treating him like this, after their last conversation, but he couldn’t deny that the only reason he wasn’t inconsolable right now was because Ren was treating him like this.

“I’m sorry, Ren. I love you. I love you. I love you.” Tokiya’s voice is beyond scratchy and hoarse. It still hurts to talk. 

“Ssh, I know, Toki, I know. I love you, too. So much.” Ren very carefully strokes Tokiya’s cheek. 

Ren pulls his chair closer now that Tokiya’s awake. He carefully holds Tokiya’s better hand in both of his. 

“The medics told me as much as they could.” Ren says quietly. “It was a very long list.”

Tokiya watches Ren. 

“I don’t want to make you relive it. If you want me to handle it, I’m more than happy to take care of it myself. You don’t need to know if you don’t want to.” Ren sighs. “Did you want to know what’s wrong?”

Tokiya nods. 

“You had pneumonia, a fever, a lot of swelling and lacerations, and quite a few infected wounds. You also had a few broken bones. You were very malnourished and dehydrated. ...You were also in a coma. Luckily it was short. You were out for almost a week.”

Tokiya stays quiet. It’s a shorter list than he had expected, but those were only his physical symptoms. 

“They have you on a lot of medication. Most of them are painkillers. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through.” Ren’s voice sounds a bit pained. 

Ren hardly leaves. Ranmaru comes in to bring him food. Ren sleeps and eats in the room with Tokiya, leaving only to shower and go to the bathroom. Tokiya doesn’t mean to make him feel like he has to stay, but he panics when Ren isn’t in the room. Ranmaru has to stay in the room to make sure that Tokiya doesn’t accidentally hurt himself in his panic. 

Tokiya doesn’t trust anyone but Ren or Ranmaru. He knows that Camus was told to bring him, and that he agreed to go, but he’s afraid when he sees Camus. He gets nearly inconsolable when he first sees him, and Ren’s in the room.

Camus seems to understand, and he leaves shortly after he enters- staying just long enough to ensure that Tokiya’s back. 

Tokiya is stuck in the hospital wing for another week before he’s released. He’s still in terrible shape. Tokiya is overelient on Ren. He still has issues handling himself when he can’t see Ren. The first night that he’s back in the room that he used to share with Ren, he’s clinging to Ren on his side of the bed. 

Ren lets him. Tokiya can’t tell what Ren’s thoughts are. 

Tokiya wakes up, crying and shaking and mentally back in the cell. Ren’s started waking up at the slightest hint that Tokiya’s had a nightmare, giving tired, groggy reassurances, and he doesn’t sleep until Tokiya’s calmed. 

As long as Ren is in the room, and Tokiya isn’t around stressors, he acts almost normal. He’s paranoid, and anxious and jumpy- but he otherwise acts almost like he did before any of this happened. 

Ren looks guilty, but he turns to Tokiya, almost two weeks after Tokiya has returned home. Tokiya’s in the last stages of healing, now that it’s past a month. “Tokiya, I’m sorry that I’m bringing this up, but I have to know. I want to tell you before I say anything else that no matter what your answer is, I’ll be here for you as long as you need me. I promise that. No matter what.” Ren lets out a deep sigh. “When you broke up with me, did you mean it? Everything that you said- did you really want to end our relationship?”

Tokiya swallows hard. He supposes he’d need to tell Ren eventually. Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “About a month before I broke it off, the Agency got a threat. They had information, and they demanded a trade. One of the best Agents in the company in return for the information being returned. They wanted to send you, Ren, and I couldn’t let them. I took your place. I broke it off because I didn’t want you to know that something had happened to me.”

“Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is horrified. His eyes are wide. Tokiya can’t read the emotions on his face. There are too many. Guilt. Pain. Horror. “You didn’t.” His voice is quiet. “Why? Why would you do that?”

“Ren, look me in the eyes and tell me that if you had heard them say that they were going to send me, that you would have walked out of the room and let them.”

“No. No I wouldn’t have.” Ren’s jaw is tense. Tokiya isn’t wrong, but Ren still doesn’t like it. 

Tokiya reaches out, cupping Ren’s face. 

“I’ll be honest.” Tokiya’s lip quivers. His eyes burn. His hand is still bandaged, but it’s out of his cast. “This was the worst experience of my life and I don’t know if I’m ever going to be over it. It doesn’t feel like it. But I would do it over and over again forever if it meant that you’d never have to go through it. You’re always the one protecting me, Ren. This was the time where I protected you.” 

“We’re leaving.” Ren says quietly. “I’m talking to the heads tomorrow and they’re going to find us a place and we’re leaving this life.”

“I won’t argue.” Tokiya says. “I don’t know that this has ever been the life for me. I don’t know that I’d ever be able to do another mission, anyways. I’d only be a liability. That must be why they gave me back. They asked for a good agent, and they sent me back useless.”

Ren moves closer to Tokiya, holding him. “I wish you had talked to me, Tokiya. I didn’t even recognize you at first when I saw you. But it’s not going to happen again.” Tokiya isn’t sure if Ren’s talking to Tokiya or to himself. He buries his head into Tokiya’s neck, and despite the fact that Tokiya’s body could handle a lot more, he’s still so careful. It’s affectionate. “You’ve been through so much that I can’t begin to imagine, baby. But I love you. And from here on out, I’m going to make sure that you’re safe. No matter what.” Ren’s hand carefully lays on Tokiya’s chest, his thumb stroking lightly over his shirt. 

Tokiya stays quiet. He closes his eyes. 

Ren does talk to the heads the next day. They arrange a relocation for Ren and Tokiya, set for a few days from then. Ren and Tokiya can only bring what they can carry- but it was mostly going to be on Ren, considering Tokiya still resembled a skeleton, even a month after the experience, and his strength was still extremely weak. 

Part of the reason that Ren was so desperate to leave, Tokiya thinks, was to properly care for Tokiya. It was still difficult, because Tokiya could hardly leave his room without panicking a bit. Ren brought back food from the cafeteria- but Tokiya had to either handle Ren being gone or handle going out into the agency, and neither came easily. 

They didn’t know where they’d be placed until they were there. Tokiya had a backpack, perhaps a bit lighter than necessary, but he had insisted on carrying something and this was what Ren had given him. Ren had two backpacks and a larger bag. For two people, they really hadn’t taken much. 

They’d live comfortably. That was the nicest thing about the agency- once Ren and Tokiya had left they would be set. They’d be given a new life. They’d have the same first names, but different last ones. They’d have a place to stay, and money to use for their new life. 

Theoretically, they’d never have to work again. Whether they did or not was up to them. 

Tokiya knew it would still be some time before Tokiya would be able to work. And that Ren probably wouldn’t work until then. 

They had asked Ranmaru if he wanted to leave. Offered to let him come with them, but he denied. Ren and Tokiya had both asked him to be careful.

The location they’re sent to is a small, remote town, less than a half an hour away from a large body of water. It was quiet and the crime rate was low, and it was very pretty. Very residential. 

They’re put into a two bedroom, one story house. Tokiya immediately finds that he likes the normality. He truly had never been a fan of the Agent life, because he hated going to work and being worried over how many people on his team would make it out. It scared him. 

It had been some time since Tokiya had felt genuinely happy- but the prospect of living a normal, safe, non-agent life with Ren had him almost giddy. Ren seemed happy to see Tokiya like that. Tokiya held Ren’s free hand tightly, and Ren would squeeze it. For now, Ren sets their stuff by the entryway, and helps Tokiya slip off his own backpack. Tokiya closes the door, locking it. It was habit, now. 

He couldn’t deny, however, that he did feel safer. 

Finally. 

Ren’s hands wrap around Tokiya’s waist, smiling down at him fondly. “Our own home.” 

“It’s wonderful.” Tokiya murmurs, contentedly. “But I think I could live in a cardboard box, as long as I was with you.”

That was cheesy. 

Good thing that Ren doesn’t mind cheesy. Ren grins. He leans down, kissing Tokiya softly. 

“Why don’t we go out to dinner? I think our kitchen is probably empty right now.”

“I can get behind that idea.” Tokiya leans up, slightly, to place a quick kiss on the side of Ren’s jaw. 

They go out that night. 

Tokiya finally starts getting better. He still freaks out when Ren isn’t near him, especially for the first few months. But it slowly shifts. Ren can spend time in a separate place of the house without getting Tokiya worried or worked up- and as time progresses, he can be away from Tokiya for longer periods of time. Eventually, Ren can leave the house alone. Tokiya still texts him often, but Tokiya doesn’t panic. 

He’s still very happy when Ren comes home. 

Ren never leaves him very long. It takes a while for Tokiya to feel alright going out of the house in general. Tokiya still can’t go out alone, even almost a year in. 

Tokiya’s nightmares fluctuate. Sometimes the pain feels so real that he wakes up in tears. Ren’s gotten good at calming him. The nightmares never fully leave. 

Tokiya is sensitive to certain reading materials. Ones he had never batted an eye at before. Sometimes, even if it would bother him, Tokiya wouldn’t have been able to set down the book. Times like that, when Tokiya would continue reading but would be having a severe reaction to it, Ren would take the book from him. 

There was yet to be a time where Tokiya would ask for it back. He was usually happy for the interruption. Ren still liked to take Tokiya to the bookstore to pick out a replacement book. Ren would usually look up the book Tokiya was looking at on his phone, to try to make sure that wasn’t anything that would trigger Tokiya. 

God, did Tokiya love that man.

Years later, Ren would sit Tokiya down. 

Tokiya would fiddle, a bit nervously, with the ring on his left ring finger until Ren spoke.

“Ranmaru is retiring.” 

Tokiya would blink. “That’s good. But how did you hear from him?”

Ren gives a sheepish smile. “I slipped him my personal number. I suppose I shouldn’t have, but I trust him.”

Tokiya nods. “I understand. Where is he heading?”

“That’s what I wanted to ask. We still have that spare room-” 

“Are you suggesting he relocate here?”

“Not if you’re uncomfortable with it.”

“We were friends, too, Ren. Of course I wouldn’t mind.”

Ren smiles. It’s soft. He always did have a soft spot for Ranmaru. 

Tokiya really didn’t mind. It was nice to hear that Ranmaru was alright. And he was the happiest he had ever been. He wasn’t entirely over the situation. He still had nightmares sometimes, and there were moments where he couldn’t let Ren out of his sight- but overall he wouldn’t change anything about his current life. 

But that doesn’t mean that he wouldn’t feel so much better about seeing Ranmaru again. And seeing Ranmaru safe. And knowing that Ranmaru would stay safe. 

He hoped Camus was okay, too. 

“I’ll let him know.”

“Good.”

It’s less than a week later when they get a knock on the door. 

Ren opens it. Ranmaru looks almost the same as he had. Maybe a little bit awkard. 

“You sure about this Ren?” Ranmaru would mutter. 

Ren would laugh. “Hello to you, too, Ran.” 

Tokiya would smile at Ranmaru. 

“You look better than I remember.” Ranmaru would say. A little bluntly. 

“I’d hope so.” Tokiya would say. “You should come in. It can be cold this time of year.” 

Ranmaru mumbles something under his breath about how homey everything seemed. Tokiya wasn’t sure how to take that comment. He’d just shake his head, amused.

“Allow me to show you to your room.” Ren would chuckle, and Ranmaru would grunt. 

Tokiya would watch them, returning to his book. 

He only hoped that Ranmaru would adapt to this life as easily as Ren and Tokiya had. 

Tokiya was very glad to see him.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning ; this is literally a crossover of utapri and Saw so I mean  
There's that

Tokiya wakes up on the ground, and he’s sore. His neck hurts a bit, and there’s a severe pain in his chest. When he pushes himself up, he feels heavy. He looks down, and he sees a large metal machine on his chest. He pulls on it, but it’s too tight to get his fingers between and it’s firmly attached. 

The room he is in is mostly empty. There’s a tape recorder in front of him, and a small TV monitor in the corner of the room that makes his heart stop when he looks at it. It’s a small cell, a room with a gate, and he recognizes the person in the room. 

Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru is awake, his face twisted in rage, pounding at the metal door. There seems to be something around his neck, and it looks like a key. Tokiya can’t hear what he’s yelling, but he’s yelling. He turns, seemingly hearing something, and the camera barely catches his face, but he looks panicked. 

Tokiya doesn’t know where Ren is. He hopes he isn’t in this situation.

Tokiya reaches forward and presses play on the recorder. Wherever Ranmaru’s looking, he hasn’t turned away. The metal contraption hurts. 

“Hello, Tokiya. 

You have been given a good draw in life, and yet you work yourself near death and ignore what you should be appreciative of. 

If you survive this, you will learn to appreciate life. You do not speak your mind, you do not listen to others, and you turn a blind eye to the truth. 

The machine around your chest is an Iron Lung. Every ten minutes it will tighten around your chest, breaking your ribs until they puncture your lungs. The fourth time will kill you. You have forty minutes to reach your partner. 

He has put faith in you time and time again, despite the lies and the pain you have put him through. Now is your chance to make that right.

You are the only hope that he has. If you die here, he will as well. 

You will find instructions with each set of tools.

Live or die. Make your choice.”

Tokiya swallows hard. He hears a click. His time must have started. He probably wastes at least a minute freaking out. He knows that trying to get the iron lung off of himself is useless, but he tries. But he finally pushes himself up. The machine is heavy. 

He walks into the next room. There’s a pair of scissors, a clamp, and a picture of a diagram of a head, with a red circle around his tongue, and a sentence. ‘You do not speak your mind’. 

Tokiya feels sick. He looks up in the corner of this room. Beyond the tools and the table, there’s another monitor. He can still see Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s eyes seem to be narrowed, and he hasn’t lost focus on wherever he’s looking. 

Tokiya wonders if Ranmaru is watching him. Tokiya looks around the room, making eye contact with a corner- he thinks he does see a camera. Oh God.

Tokiya has to turn his attention back on the unfortunate task at hand. He doesn’t know if he’d be able to do what he knows he’s supposed to if Ranmaru’s life weren’t on the line. 

That’s why he can bring himself to do this, despite how badly his hand shakes. He realizes that the clamp is to help him keep his tongue out far enough for him to cut it. How nice. He tightens it almost painfully onto his tongue, turning his back to the camera. He hopes there’s only one. 

Before he can second guess himself, he cuts into his tongue. His cries are muffled, and the scissors aren’t sharp so it takes him several tries. He’s hyperventilating and there’s blood in his mouth and running down his chin. His tongue comes free. He’s whimpering and shaking and he’s in pain. He has to stop, dropping the scissors, but he can’t let go of the clamp, even though the sight of his severed tongue makes him sick. The pain is horrible. 

He loosens the clamp, taking his tongue. Through his pain fuddled mind, he hopes that if he makes it out that he can get his tongue reattached. He hopes. 

He’s just through the next door when he falls, the machine tightening around his chest. He gives a strangled choking sound, and it hurts. He thinks that his tongue hurt worse. He takes a minute to get himself together, moving to the next task. 

He’s still shaking. 

The next thing is just a rusty knife. Tokiya shudders. There’s another diagram of a human head, and one of the ears are circled. Tokiya already has tears streaming down his face, but he feels like they come faster. His hands are shaking so badly he’s worried about stabbing something that isn’t his ear. 

The sentence is “You do not listen to others.”

Tokiya understands. Tokiya understands the significance behind what he’s doing, and he thinks he can guess what he’s going to have to do next. 

Ranmaru is the only reason he’s gotten this far. 

He’d like nothing more than to sit down and just let himself die. He doesn’t want to hurt himself anymore. It’s so difficult. 

He places the knife behind his ear. He didn’t stop to look at where the camera was, but it’s too late. He can’t look at Ranmaru’s reaction right now- because he’s going to manage to do this. 

His scream is still gargled with the blood in his mouth, his face twisting in intense pain. It takes a lot of pressure, and his ear comes off unevenly. He still has his tongue. Now he has his ear, too. 

One more to go. Through blurry eyes he looks up at Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru is livid, but he doesn’t seem to be able to look away. Ranmaru must be able to see him. Ranmaru’s secondary emotion seems to be horrified. He looks so upset, and worried, and sick. Tokiya can’t imagine that it would be easy to watch him maim himself. But it was okay. Because Tokiya was going to finish this, and he was going to get them both out of there. 

He felt unsteady on his feet. The twenty minute mark was nearing. Tokiya would move to the next room, off balance, his tongue and his ear clutched in his hands. Disgusting. 

The last room had a machine that would remind Tokiya of something at an eye doctor’s office. He’d stumble forward and place his head on the black bar. He doesn’t need to look at the note to know what it says. 

It’ll have an eye circled, and it will say. “You turn a blind eye to the truth.”

He understood how it went. He’d grab the black handheld buzzer type thing, his thumb hovering over the button- and he’d wait. 

When he felt the pain of the iron lung contracting, and he heard his ribs bending, he’d push down on the button. 

He may as well as get all of the pain over at once, right? He still felt all of it, though. He isn’t sure if it would have been any better if he had done it separately, but he can’t imagine that it could have been worse. It hurt. 

He wanted it to be over. 

There would be no saving his eye, when the sharp needle would move forward, directly into the pupil of Tokiya’s right eye.   
His tears stung. His sobs hurt his mouth. His missing ear threw off his balance, and the iron lung almost knocked him over. 

Ranmaru was near. 

Ranmaru is what was getting Tokiya through this. Tokiya would be dead if Ranmaru’s life weren’t at stake. 

At least they’d both get to see Ren again.

Ranmaru was in the next room. The gate was strange. Tokiya stares at it, feeling dismay. The pain wasn’t quite over yet. 

There was a needle. 

“Bleed for the ones you love.” 

That one annoyed Tokiya. Were they just running out of things to write? That sounded like a fourteen year old trying to be deep. 

Tokiya had the hand that wasn't holding pieces of himself over his bleeding eye. He was staring at the needle, but he’d finally glance over to the gate- 

“Tokiya.” Ranmaru was against the gate, straining against it. Pushing it. Tokiya could almost see the gate bend under the pressure. 

Tokiya wishes he could speak to him. Tokiya doesn’t have that option. Tokiya still had some time before his thirty minutes were up, so he’d move his hand from his eye, keeping it closed to spare Ranmaru from the sight, and he’d put his hand to the gate, his fingers curling into the gaps. He knew the look in the eye that was open was desperate. He was glad to see that Ranmaru was alright.

Ranmaru’s hand covers Tokiya's the best that he can. Tokiya confirms that there’s a key around Ranmaru’s neck. He would bet that the key could unlock the iron lung. He’d worry about that once Ranmaru was out. There’s a door behind Tokiya. It’s heavy and metal and though the building is old and decaying the door looks new. He’d bet that it’d open when Ranmaru and Tokiya stand in front of it. He needs to get Ranmaru out. He pulls his hand away, and Ranmaru doesn’t have enough of a grip to keep Tokiya there. 

Tokiya takes a deep breath, and he slams his hand down on the spike. He makes a terrible, wheezing sound, but the gate opens. Ranmaru is over in a second, ducking under the opening gate, carefully moving Tokiya’s hand off of the spike. 

Tokiya points to the key around Ranmaru’s neck. Ranmaru looks at the contraption around Tokiya’s chest, searching, and he rips the key off as soon as he finds the keyhole. To Tokiya’s relief, it unlocks, loosening. 

He can breathe again, if a bit painfully. 

At least it only tightened twice. 

It could have been worse. 

Ranmaru embraces him, so careful for Ranmaru. Tokiya leans into him, unsure if he’d be able to stand up on his own anymore. All of the energy he expended to save Ranmaru was gone.

The door opens. Ranmaru carefully turns, slipping a hand against Tokiya’s lower back and a hand under his knees, lifting him. Tokiya lets him, relaxing against Ranmaru. 

He’s still crying softly. It hurts. 

Ranmaru leaves. He walks. He walks until he finds another person, and he demands that they call an ambulance. Ranmaru is allowed in the ambulance with Tokiya, though he has to sit in the front so that the person in the back can try to stabilize him. 

Tokiya wishes Ranmaru could have stayed with him. Ranmaru will be there when Tokiya is out.

Tokiya’s brought into surgery very quickly after being brought into the hospital. Luckily they were able to reattach his ear and tongue, though he’s told that it will still take some speech lessons to properly speak again. And it needs to heal before he should try. His ear would hurt until it healed, but he didn’t damage anything that helped him hear much, so while his hearing on that side wouldn’t be as good as it was, it wouldn’t be useless, either. 

There wasn’t anything they could do about his eye. The best they managed was to repair it enough to leave it in his head. He couldn’t see out of it, but at least it wasn’t gone completely. His hand was the least of his problems, he had a very cracked ribs and a few bruised ones, and damn did they hurt. Luckily they didn’t touch his lungs. They’d heal. 

Ranmaru wasn’t the only one there for him once he was allowed visitors. Ranmaru had reached out to Ren, and had given him the most basic information he could. When Tokiya found himself in the room, Ren was there, too. 

Tokiya was so tired. But he was happy to see both of them. 

He was happy to see both of them alright. 

Had he really not appreciated them enough? He knew he hurt them sometimes, especially when he hid things from them, but he loved them. He loved them more than anything. 

Maybe he deserved what he went through. 

He’d never take them for granted again. 

Ren would have held Tokiya’s uninjured hand when Tokiya had awakened. He would’ve spoken in a hushed voice. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry that this happened, and that you went through any of this. You don’t deserve this, honey. This isn’t your fault.” Ren seems close to tears. 

Tokiya listens to him. It’s so hard to believe him. 

Tokiya tries. 

Tokiya’s only stuck in the hospital for about two weeks. He still has to leave the house for therapy, but nothing else was hurt bad enough that he couldn’t take care of it at home. Ren and Ranmaru helped care for him. 

Tokiya worked really hard at the therapy. He wanted to be able to speak properly again. He often stumbled over words, and some words just wouldn’t come out right. 

He practiced alone. He thinks that Ren and Ranmaru assumed that he was ashamed or embarrassed, but Tokiya had been practicing a phrase because he wanted it to be the first thing that they heard from him. 

Tokiya wouldn’t even attempt it until he was sure that he could make it through the simple phrase without stuttering. 

He’d get Ren and Ranmaru’s attention together, trying to get him to focus on him. He would have told them one at a time, but he didn’t want to make it seem like he was favoring either. 

Tokiya can’t help being nervous. He fiddles with the end of his sleeve. This isn’t his sweatshirt. It’s Ranmaru’s. Tokiya has found himself wearing their clothes more often because it makes him feel better. 

He swallows. Both men are patient. 

“I love you.” It’s short. He wishes he could add more, but his confidence only applied to those three words. “I love you.” He repeats. 

Ranmaru’s face softens. Ren’s eyes hold more emotions than Tokiya can even begin to comprehend. Ren moves first, wrapping Tokiya in a hug. Ranmaru’s behind him. He’s mostly holding Tokiya, but he has arms wrapped around both Ren and Tokiya. Ranmaru presses a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. 

“I love you, too, Toki. So much.”

“I love you.” Ranmaru mumbles. “Is this what you’ve been working on?”

Tokiya nods. “Got to say it right.” Tokiya’s next sentence comes out smoother than he expected. He’s glad. It still doesn’t quite sound right, but both Ren and Ranmaru seem a bit surprised. 

“You’re doin’ great, Toki.” Ranmaru mumbles. 

“You’re doing so well.” Ren agrees. 

Tokiya has dreams where he winds up back into another trap.

Tokiya has dreams where he isn’t in the trap, and it’s Ren or Ranmaru. 

Tokiya has a period of time where he refuses to sleep, because he’s so afraid to have more dreams. He doesn’t want to relive it, and he doesn’t want to imagine a point where Ren and Ranmaru go through what Tokiya has. 

At first, Ren and Ranmaru don’t realize that he isn’t sleeping. It’s hard to see his eyes open in the dark. They’re not paying attention to signs that he’s awake, because they don’t expect him to stay awake. They just sleep. 

It’s fine. Tokiya likes to lie there and listen to their even breathing. He often sleeps on the edge. He knows Ren would let him sleep in the middle, but Tokiya also knows how much Ren loves being in the middle and he doesn’t want to take that from him. Besides, it’s easier to make his way to the living room to just read so that he doesn’t fall asleep. 

He’s afraid, sitting in the living room by himself. But he can’t read in bed, because he doesn’t want to disturb Ren or Ranmaru, but he also doesn’t want to sleep, and if he woke Ren or Ranmaru they’d probably make him. 

Reading was much more difficult with only one working eye- but he just had to get used to reading slower. He managed. 

He can only last a few nights, and the longest he’s gotten was up to three, before Ren and Ranmaru finally realized what he was doing. 

Tokiya wanted to hide what he was doing- but he’d choke on his excuse. 

It would really worry Ren and Ranmaru, because Tokiya would begin to speak, and it was as if his tongue would stop working. It felt like he was in pain, despite his tongue being healed. His speech was significantly better, but he had reverted. 

Because his lying to them was one of the reasons that he ended up in the trap in the first place. His lip would quiver, but he can’t get words out. When he tries, he makes noises. He covers his mouth with his hand, his eyes tearing up. 

Ren and Ranmaru seem to forget for a moment what they were initially asking Tokiya about, now concerned about Tokiya’s reaction. 

They hadn’t even demanded answers- it was just a question. 

Tokiya wishes he could tell them that it wasn’t their fault, but right now he can’t tell them anything.

“Take your time, Tokiya. It’s okay. You’re okay.” Ren walks forward, rubbing Tokiya’s back. 

“Don’t force yourself.” Ranmaru looks worried. 

Tokiya nods slightly, swallowing. It’s hard. He tastes blood, but that’s impossible, because there isn’t any in his mouth. 

Tokiya is aware of how strange this must look, but he sticks his index finger into his mouth, pressing down onto his tongue. He feels it. There is barely any pain. 

It takes him almost an hour to regain words. He feels like he’s taken a step backwards. 

“Are you okay, Toki?” Ranmaru asks carefully. 

Tokiya nods. He swallows. “Think so.”

“What happened…?” Ren asks, his voice just as cautious as Ranmaru’s. 

“I panicked. Bad memories.” Tokiya’s answers are frustratingly short. Ren rubs his back. 

Tokiya still remembers their question. 

It was about the heavy bags under his eyes. 

“I’ve got nightmares.” Tokiya says quietly. His voice sounds miserable. “I’m afraid to sleep.”

“Oh, darling. I wish you had told us.” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “But now that we know, we’ll do our best to help.” 

“I’m not sayin’ this to desensitize or invalidate you, Toki, but don’t feel bad about havin’ nightmares, or wakin’ us up because of ‘em. I’ve got a lot of nightmares from it, too.” Ranmaru grunts out. “And I didn’t go through a third of what you had to.”

Tokiya tries to get better about it. He is, for a few nights, and that’s because Ren and Ranmaru are more aware of him. Tokiya sleeps in the middle now. Ren insists. 

The next time he misses a night of sleep, they ask him about it the next day.

Ranmaru’s voice is groggy, but he glances at Tokiya’s face and he frowns. “Did you sleep?”

Tokiya hesitates. “No.” His answer is quiet. 

Ranmaru sighs. “Toki.” He wraps an arm around Tokiya’s waist. “Sleep now. I can’t promise I’ll keep the nightmares away, but I’ll at least be here for you if you wake up with them.”

Sometimes Ranmaru is very soft. This time, it makes Tokiya cry. He presses his face into Ranmaru’s chest. “Hey, babe, it’s okay. What’s wrong?” 

“I love you.” Tokiya mumbles against Ranmaru’s chest. He feels Ranmaru kiss the top of his head with a sigh. 

“I love you, too, Toki. Now try to get some rest.”

This happens a few more times. Tokiya never gets over a night without sleep. His nightmares never truly disappear, but they become less common. It helps to have someone wake up with him and calm him down. 

Tokiya doesn’t want to go to the group, the one that has other people who went through similar things. But Ren suggests it, so Tokiya gives it a try.

Ranmaru seems to have a similar opinion on the group to Tokiya, but he’s the one who accompanies Tokiya. He can’t entirely relate to the others who went through the traps, but he knows more about it than Ren, and Tokiya doesn’t want to go alone. 

Tokiya sits besides Ranmaru, a bit out of the circle that the group has formed. Tokiya still doesn’t have perfect speech, so he really doesn’t want to speak up. He gets a few glances. 

Tokiya just listens. 

Tokiya had thought that he was handling it poorly, but there were others who had a much harder go of it than him. Many people were borderline inconsolable when speaking about their experience, many of them having gone through it long before Tokiya had gone through his. 

The leader seemed like an asshole. 

Tokiya didn’t normally curse, or think about people with names quite as derogatory or crude as he was right now, but there wasn’t a better word. 

“And what about you?” The leader asks, looking right at Tokiya. “What brings you here today?”

“I’m here to listen.”

“This group is for people who have experienced a trap.”

Tokiya grits his jaw. “That’s why I’m here.”

“Then tell us more about your experience.”

“He said he’s here to listen. Get off of him, will ya?” Ranmaru says, his eyes narrowed. 

“Everyone else here is sharing. It’s only fair that he does as well. And you, for that matter.”

Asshole. 

Tokiya’s eyes burn with angry tears. 

“We can leave, Toki.” Ranmaru says, his voice an annoyed mumble. 

“Then he wins.” Tokiya says softly. His hands clench into fists, and he looks at his hands. Tokiya guesses this was a lose lose situation. It was hard to talk loud, but he tries his best as he glowers at his hands. “I cut off my ear, and tongue. I ruined my eye. I still can’t see. Talking is hard. Was in an iron lung, almost crushed my ribs.” Ranmaru’s hand was on Tokiya’s knee. Tokiya didn’t need to see Ranmaru’s face to know how pissed he was.

Most of the group mumbles a consolation. An ‘I’m sorry’ or a ‘Thank you for sharing’. The leader just looks at Ranmaru. 

“And you?”

Ranmaru’s face is borderline livid. He scowls. The only reason he answers is because he doesn’t want to get into a fight with the leader and get himself and Tokiya kicked out. His voice is flat, but he keeps glancing at Tokiya’s face. He doesn’t want to trigger Tokiya worse. “I was part of his trap. I was lucky enough to not have to go through most of the shit you all had to. I just… watched the traps.” Ranmaru’s jaw is tense. It’s hard to tell, but Tokiya knows that it was difficult for Ranmaru to sit in the cell and watch Tokiya hurt himself. He can’t imagine what that did to Ranmaru’s psyche, even if he didn’t have to physically hurt himself.

“I don’t think this is the right group for you.” The leader says. The group stays quiet, a bit uncomfortable. 

Tokiya is pissed. “I want him here.” His voice is the loudest it’s been yet, and it doesn’t have the uncertainty it’s had recently when he says anything. “I’d be dead without him." Tokiya pauses for just a second, but then continues. “You speak high and mighty.” The last word of Tokiya’s sentence only just barely makes sense, but he thinks everyone got it. Ranmaru’s hand tightens on Tokiya’s knee. “But you haven’t shared anything but judgement.” Tokiya’s words are a bit jumbled. But the annoyed look on the leader’s face makes him believe that he was understood. 

“Razor wire.” The leader says with narrowed eyes. “I had to crawl under it through broken glass.” 

Tokiya doesn’t say anything. He hasn’t won. He hasn’t lost. 

The leader still sounds smug, and Tokiya still would love to punch him. 

“If you really want to stay, then go ahead, but he was a trap. He wasn’t in one.”

Tokiya is upset. Tokiya wants to argue, but when he tries to talk, it won’t connect to his tongue. He only makes an angry, undignified noise. He places his hand over his mouth, glaring, his eyes filled with angry tears. 

Another woman speaks up, her voice strained. “I’ve been here for the past five sessions and I’ve been very vocal about how I’m here because my husband was supposed to get to the end, and I was a trap, too, and I’ve never been kicked out.”

“People in their position need counseling, too.” Another man speaks up. “Being in the situation at all is horrible, and they understand.”

The leader’s jaw sets. He drops the topic. 

Ren is very concerned when Ranmaru and Tokiya come home and Tokiya still can’t speak. 

The leader had approached Tokiya after the group, when it was just them, and accused him of not only disrupting the group, but using a speech impediment to make up a story, and told Tokiya that he wasn’t welcome back. 

Ranmaru punched him in the face. 

They wouldn’t be going back anyways.

“I’m sorry, Toki. I wouldn’t have recommended it if I knew it would upset you.”

“It’s not your fault.” Ranmaru says, gruffly. “The leader was a fuckin’ asshat. If it had been a normal decent fucking human being, I think it would’ve gone fine.”

Ren looks at Ranmaru, and Ren’s eyebrows furrow. He’s still standing in front of Tokiya, but he reaches over to squeeze Ranmaru’s arm, and suddenly Tokiya feels terrible.

He wasn’t… not worried for Ranmaru. But he suddenly realizes that he’s not as concerned as he should be. He moves away from Ren, holding onto Ranmaru’s side. 

Ranmaru misinterprets it. “It’s okay, Toki.” Ranmaru rubs Tokiya’s back, and Tokiya shakes his head.

“You okay?” He wishes his voice sounded less choked out, but he’s just glad he got anything out. Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. Ren sighs softly. 

Tokiya’s reminded of his earlier thought, about how it couldn’t have been easy for Ranmaru. He thinks back to Ranmaru, telling Tokiya about his own nightmares. Tokiya wants to cry, but he won’t let himself. 

He can’t talk, so he won’t. He just tries to convey that he’s worried through his actions. 

“Tokiya, you don’t need to worry about me. My main concern is you.” Despite Tokiya’s attempts of comforting Ranmaru, Ranmaru still seems to take the comforting position. 

Tokiya decides he has to try to speak anyways, despite how pathetic it sounds. “Shouldn’t be.” His voice is a bit too high. “I’m fine. Worried ‘bout you.” His mouth feels numb. 

Tokiya’s trying so hard to not focus on himself. 

He wants Ranmaru to be okay. 

Ren rubs Tokiya’s back. “Don’t do this to yourself, Tokiya. I’m very worried about Ranmaru, too, and your concern is entirely valid- but I think what’s going to make both of us feel better is seeing you be alright.”

“Ren’s right.” Ranmaru’s voice is thick. “Tokiya, I had to watch you hurt yourself. It makes me feel better to make sure you’re okay. I don’t want you to pretend like you are for my sake.”

Tokiya just holds onto Ranmaru, getting quiet. Ranmaru wraps his arms back around Tokiya, and Ren rubs Tokiya’s back. 

Later that night, Tokiya cries in the bathroom. He doesn’t want to pretend that he’s fine in front of Ranmaru and Ren. Especially Ranmaru, now that he’s expressed how he feels- but he doesn’t want to break down in front of them and worry him more. His lip quivers. He’s trying to be quiet. 

Tokiya doesn’t mean to hide from them. He leans his head against his knees. He’s on the floor with his legs pressed up against his chest. 

He’s heard of people being forced to go through another trap because they haven’t learned their lesson. Because they don’t appreciate life enough. 

Tokiya wants to. 

He wants to more than anything. 

He’s so afraid. 

Tokiya wishes that he could just get himself together. He misses singing. 

He wouldn’t overwork himself. He would still be careful to appreciate what he had. Especially Ren and Ranmaru. But it’s been months, and sometimes he still has trouble speaking, let alone singing. 

Tokiya had been quiet, but he had been in the bathroom for a long time, so it wasn’t unexpected when Ren would knock on the door. “Toki?”

Tokiya gets up, pushing himself to a standing position. He opens the door, only briefly wiping at his eyes. 

Tokiya doesn’t even know what constitutes hiding things. What constitutes as lying to them. 

It’s clear he’s upset, and it’s just as clear that Ren is concerned. Ren brings his hand up to Tokiya’s cheek, and Tokiya is so tired. 

“You don’t have to hide yourself away, Toki.” Ren says gently. “It’s going to take a long time for you to be okay. I expected that, and Ranmaru understands. We both want you to be okay, but we want you to be really okay. We don’t want you to just pretend like you are, honey. And until you can be okay, we don’t mind making you feel better. There’s no right or wrong way for you to be feeling. We can just take it as it comes, and do our best.” Ren kisses Tokiya’s forehead. Tokiya gives a tired nod. 

He’s cried out all of his energy. He’s so exhausted. 

“It’s getting late. Why don’t we go lie down?”

Tokiya gives another nod. Ren pulls him into a hug, rubbing his back. Tokiya is already in sleep clothes, and Ren only needs to shed off a layer and he’s in his. Ranmaru catches Tokiya getting into the bed and he chooses to join them. 

Tokiya falls asleep.

Tokiya has to go to the bathroom. He crawls himself out of bed, begrudgingly, and goes to the bathroom. He stops when he sees another shadow in the mirror, but he feels something hit the back of his head, hard, before he can turn around or make any noise.

His neck really hurts when he finally wakes up. He brings his hands up, and he cuts his fingers on whatever is around his neck. He feels around more carefully, and he glances up, above his head. 

It seems to be a noose, but instead of rope, it seems to be barbed wire. It’s cutting into his throat. 

He’s standing in front of a panel with two buttons. 

There’s glass in front of him, too, but the room is too dark for him to see what’s inside of it. He hears a voice ring through the room. 

“You still haven’t seemed to learn you lesson.   
You still fall into your old habits, and you yearn for what you had. You’ve given up overworking yourself at your job and now choose to overwork yourself in your recovery. 

There is a phrase that I’m sure you’re familiar with-

You never know what you have until it’s gone.”

Tokiya’s heart drops. He tries to get the barbed wire off of his throat, his entire body reacting with panic. 

“Today we will put that into practice. 

You will have two minutes to decide which life you will take.

Make your choice.”

The room in front of him lights up. 

The man in the chair on the left seems to have already been awake. Ren.

The man on the left is woken up by the lights, seeming confused. Ranmaru. 

Tokiya stills. 

He had a really bad feelings, and it’s come true. 

There is a collar around Ren’s neck, and something that resembles a collar on Ranmaru, though it’s tightened against his head, over his temples. Tokiya can make out a long, thin needle on both collars. Ren’s presses against his throat. Ranmaru’s presses against his temple. 

Whichever button he chooses would kill one of them. 

They look at him, through the glass. 

They don’t react.

Tokiya feels a pang of unease. Something about this doesn’t feel right. 

He isn’t sure what he expects them to do. Beg? Plead? Get angry? Or worse, try to convince him to choose themselves, and not the other? 

Whatever his expectation is, it doesn’t matter, because he doesn’t get anything. He gets blank stares.   
He knows it should be his decision, and that their input would make it harder. But he expected more. He wasn’t even sure that there was fear in their eyes. Just a blank stare, directly at Tokiya.

How could Tokiya choose?

Something hits him.

What happens at the end of the two minutes? The tape hadn’t specified. The tape had also failed to specify that he had to choose solely between the two of them. And clearly he wasn’t safe. He was on flat ground right now, and he couldn’t run away any further than the wire would let him, which was no more than a few feet. So clearly there was something he could do that would make this wire do something, right?

Tokiya’s stomach clenches. Kill him. That’s what the wire would do.

Maybe he was his own decision. 

“Ren? Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is soft. They finally react.

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is quiet. He looks so sad. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I can’t do it.” 

“You’re going to fail.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost… warning. Another pang of unease shoots through Tokiya. 

“I am.”

“But should you?” Ren’s voice is so childlike that Tokiya’s lip quivers. 

“I think I’ve found the way to save you both, I hope. Please forgive me.” Tokiya’s voice felt smoother than usual. He was glad that he was coherent in his potential final moments.

His time ended, a mere five seconds after he spoke. The lights turn off in the room. There are no sounds. Tokiya looks around, frantically, and in doing so he notices his own surroundings. 

A stage. 

He was on a stage. 

And he’d guess that he has an audience. 

Despite himself, he smiles. It’s a tearful, humorless smile. He hears the mechanism click, before he’s raised into the air. 

He seems to lose consciousness too quickly.

“Tokiya?” He hears Ren’s voice, almost panicked. It’s so close.

He wakes up.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

Quartet Night had already been retired for years. They were simply too old for the label to keep sending them onto the stage, and the band slowed and died off. 

Ranmaru wasn’t necessarily the biggest fans of his Quartet Night bandmates, but he guesses that they were the best bandmates he’d had. And even though the only rock he got to perform was through solo songs, it was enough. He might even go so far as to admit that he actually missed performing with Quartet Night. 

Not to mention that STARISH had yet to throw in the towel. They had started younger, and enough of the band was still spry enough to keep themselves on the stage. Ranmaru never held it against Ren or Tokiya- but it was hard for Ranmaru to see them going on tour, and practicing their individual parts in the music room that Ranmaru seldom had reason to use. Of course he still played his bass, but that wasn’t a work activity. That was a leisure one. 

And those reasons combined were why Ranmaru accepted the offer from the company that reached out to him to convince him to join a band they were putting together. 

Ranmaru was promised compensation, the lead bass and vocal role, and some sway in the band’s type of music. 

Ranmaru was basically fronting for a rock band. In his late thirties. How the hell could he pass that up?

Ren and Tokiya were supportive, to a certain extent. Ranmaru wasn’t quite forty yet- and forty wasn’t old. But in the limelight, it was. Ranmaru was still in a great shape, considering with all of the free time he had he mainly ran and played his instrument. Ren and Tokiya were a little bit worried about his fan response- for Ranmaru’s sake solely. Ranmaru was in no obvious way a soft man, but that didn’t mean he didn’t have feelings. And at times, even Ranmaru didn’t recognize how he internalized words. 

Ranmaru assured them that he was in it for the music. That wasn’t what they were worried about- but they’d relent. Ranmaru had already agreed, anyways. 

It started as a part-time job. Ren and Tokiya were entirely comfortable with that. Ranmaru was doing what he wanted to do, he was still there to see them in the morning and to eat dinner with them at night. He joined them sometimes in the music room. He seemed happy. 

And then they started seeing less of him. It turned into a real, professional band. There was a contract. 

Ranmaru brought it up to Ren and Tokiya before he signed it, at least, but his mind had clearly been made up. 

“They want us to sign a contract.” Ranmaru brings up one night during dinner. 

Ren would blink, looking up from his food. Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. 

“It’s just a six month one.” Ranmaru adds. “Nothin’ insane.” 

“A contract sounds awfully serious, Ran.” Ren says carefully. This was a sore subject. 

Ranmaru’s voice gets mildly defensive. “So? Means I’m doin’ somethin’ right then.”

Tokiya sighs. “Ran, we don’t want to keep you from pursuing what makes you happy. But please be careful.”

“I will be. But I’m signing the contract.”

Tokiya and Ren frown. They don’t argue with him. His voice is final. 

They see less of him after he signs the contract. His part-time job turned into a full time job, and between their own idolicy and Ranmaru’s, they were starting to see him just long enough to wish him off in the morning. 

It had been months. Ranmaru comes back so late that he’s started sleeping in the guest room of their apartment, not wanting to wake them up. 

Ranmaru was hard to approach, but that didn’t stop them. They usually had to wait for his days off. They’d normally catch him in the music room. 

One time Ren and Tokiya would have approached him together. They often went one at a time, but they had yet to have any luck. Ranmaru was as patient as he could manage, but he’d start to get defensive when they pushed him. He’d insist that he was fine, and that they should stop asking. 

Sometimes he’d remind them that his contract wouldn’t last forever. He’d be done with all of this when they were done. 

Ranmaru deserved to be in a band too. He never said this out loud, but he thought it. Every time. 

“Ran?” Ren’s voice is careful. It’s always careful when Ren brings up this topic. 

Ranmaru sighs. He stops playing, but Ren’s focused on his hands. Ren steps forward, taking one of Ranmaru’s hands off of his instrument, holding it palm up. The skin on Ranmaru’s fingertips were calloused, but there were some areas that were cracked. It hurt to play, sometimes, but it’d take more than that to discourage Ranmaru from playing. 

“You’ve been overdoing it.” Ren’s voice is almost scolding. Ren looks up, searching Ranmaru’s face. “You seem pale and tired.” Ren doesn’t let go of Ranmaru’s hand, but brings his free hand up to Ranmaru’s face. Ranmaru looks almost annoyed. 

“You don’t need to worry over me. I’m fine.” Ranmaru says, his voice a bit flat. “I’ll be done playin’ in a few minutes.”

“Ran.” Tokiya says quietly. Almost like a warning. 

Ranmaru scowls. “Can we just drop this? You both know how rare my days off are. I don’t feel like arguing.”

“This is important, Ran.”

“We both know what’s going to happen, Ren. I’m gonna tell you two that I’m fine, and you two are gonna say that you don’t believe me. We’ll go back and forth until I go to take a nap. Let’s skip this.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds final.

Ren looks almost hurt. Tokiya’s face is set, his mouth a fine line.

“That’s what I was tryin’ to avoid.” Ranmaru says, gruffly. His face hasn’t changed. Finally, his voice softens. “Please drop this, you two. I’m fine. I want to get along with you both again. I know you’re worried, but you don’t need to be. I’m just busy. I’m not dying. You don’t have to treat me like I am.”

“We don’t want you overworking yourself, Ran.” Tokiya says. His voice is still so quiet. “I know the signs.”

Ranmaru’s face darkens. Was Tokiya comparing Ranmaru to himself? Ranmaru could picture a few instances where Tokiya hadn’t taken care of himself, and had pushed himself too far. That wasn’t what Ranmaru was doing. His jaw sets. 

“I’m really trying. Please. Just let this go.” Ranmaru closes his eyes. Ren and Tokiya get uncomfortably quiet. 

They don’t seem happy dropping it, but they do. 

They bring it back up when Ranmaru skips out on dinner. 

“Ran, aren’t you going to eat?” Ren’s voice has that careful edge to it again, and Ranmaru sighs. 

“I appreciate you cookin’, but I’ve got a plan I’m following.” Ranmaru kisses Ren’s cheek. “Only a few more months.”

“Then will you be eating something else?” Tokiya says. Ranmaru recognizes the careful tone in Tokiya’s voice, too. 

“Later.” Ranmaru promises. 

He does, but it isn’t anything much. It’s some fruit. Something Tokiya and Ren would both consider a snack, more than a dinner. But Ranmaru excuses himself to bed early. 

“Won’t you sleep with us tonight, Ran?” Ren’s eyebrows furrow when Ranmaru heads towards the guest room. “It must be lonely, sleeping in a room by yourself.”

Ranmaru backtracks, kissing Ren’s forehead, right over his eyebrows, and Ren’s eyebrows relax as he sighs softly. Ranmaru bends over the couch to kiss Tokiya’s cheek. “My alarm goes off early. Don’t wanna bug you guys.”

“We’d feel better with you in our bed. Even if you do have to wake up early.” Tokiya says. 

“If you insist.” Ranmaru mutters. “But I’m fallin’ asleep.”

“Then go lay down. We’ll try not to wake you when we go in.” Ranmaru nods, heading to the room that Ren and Tokiya shared. They’d get in to him passed out. He’s under the covers, but he’s still in his clothes. From his jeans to his socks. Ren shakes his head, but doesn’t want to wrestle Ranmaru awake to get him to change, so Ren can only hope that he’s not too uncomfortable in the morning. Ren climbs into the middle, wrapping an arm around Ranmaru’s waist and setting his forehead against the small of Ranmaru’s back. Tokiya’s arm reaches over Ren, resting on Ranmaru’s hip. It was a stretch, but it made Tokiya comfortable. 

Ranmaru had stopped his alarm and had gotten out of bed before Ren and Tokiya could fully wake up. He’d kiss them both quickly on the forehead, and he’d be out of the room. 

He wouldn’t be back until later that night, and he’d fall asleep in the guest room. 

On Ranmaru’s next day off, Ren seems more intent on speaking through the situation. He enters the music room, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. Ranmaru looks up. He sets down his bass, already pursing his lips. 

“Ranmaru, I’d like you to give me a copy of your exercise and diet plan.” 

Ranmaru raises an eyebrow. 

“I want to bring it to my trainer. And we can bring it to Tokiya’s, too, if getting a double opinion will help. From what I can tell, I don’t think it’s healthy. But I know you won’t listen to me- but if they tell me that it’s alright for you, I’ll stop talking about it.”

Ranmaru watches Ren with narrowed eyes. 

“This isn’t a question, Ran.”

This is familiar. Ranmaru thinks they’ve done the same thing with Tokiya, back when he was still with an old trainer. Ranmaru huffs. 

“Fine.”

The next day Ranmaru picks up two copies of his diet and exercise plan from his trainer. Well, he had picked up one- and had gotten a mouthful, because the trainer assumed he lost his own. Ranmaru’s original copy was actually the second one he’d give them. Ranmaru already had it memorized. 

Ren and Tokiya couldn’t do anything with it until the next morning, because they had both been asleep when Ranmaru set it on the table. They looked over the copies in the morning. 

Tokiya felt a vague recognition. Ren hated it. Ranmaru had seemed thinner, but Ren felt surprised that Ranmaru could even stand up, if he were really following this to the T. 

They kept their word, each boy bringing a copy to the trainer. Ren woke up early the next day to tell Ranmaru what they had been told. 

‘What’re you doin’ up?” Ranmaru speaks around the toothbrush in his mouth. 

“I wasn’t sure when I’d have a chance to speak to you next, and I wanted to tell you what our trainers thought of your schedule.” Ren’s voice is a bit strained. 

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow, still looking at Ren through the mirror. Ranmaru stays quiet, waiting for Ren to continue. 

“I believe that both of our trainers used the exact word, ‘dangerous’. I asked my trainer about how it would affect you, but he couldn’t tell me because I didn’t know how long you had been following this. Please stop following it, Ran. It’s not healthy.”

Ranmaru sighs, spitting into the sink. “I’ll talk to him about it.”

Ren’s lips purse. His eyebrows furrow. His voice sounds soft. “Can’t you take the day off, Ran?” His face has changed. It’s pleading. Ren walks up behind Ranmaru and wraps his arms around him. He nuzzles Ranmaru’s shoulder. “Just today.” Ren’s voice sounds almost childlike with his intense worry, and something that’s so soft that Ranmaru can’t think of a better descriptive word for. “I just want to see you eat, Ran. And just sit back and let yourself relax. We can take off, too, and it can just be us three today.” 

Ranmaru hesitates. He sighs. “Fine. I’ll call in.”

The call in call takes quite some time. Ranmaru hadn’t called out before, but it wasn’t easy to call out. They insisted that he come in- offering to shorten his shift, or make it easier. Ranmaru apologized, but was insistent that he wasn’t well enough to leave the house today. Eventually, they gave in. Fuckin’ finally. 

Tokiya was awake by the time Ranmaru came back. Ren was cautiously optimistic. 

“‘M not goin’ in today.” Ranmaru mumbles, sitting down heavily on the couch. 

“Toki, would you do me a favor and let them know that we won’t be in today? I’m going to get a start on breakfast.” 

Tokiya nods, going into the other room to call in sick for the two of them. Ranmaru closes his eyes. He likes working, because it helps him forget about how exhausted he feels. Maybe he was going a little too hard.

Only a few more months. 

Ranmaru hears Ren moving around in the kitchen. Usually Ranmaru made them breakfast- well, he used to. Back when they ate breakfast together. 

Tokiya asks Ren if he needs help, but Ren insists that he has it, so Tokiya heads over to Ranmaru. Tokiya doesn’t say anything, he just sits on the couch besides Ranmaru and sets his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“Do you want to eat on the couch?” Ren asks.

“I can get up.” Ranmaru mumbles, slowly opening his eyes. Tokiya begrudgingly sits up, and Ranmaru lets out a slight chuckle. Tokiya stands with Ranmaru, and Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s arm. “I’m fine.” 

“I don’t know that I’d agree.” Tokiya frowns. 

“I already told Ren that I’d talk to the trainer, and I’m eating with you guys. Don’t worry about me, Toki.”

Tokiya sighs. “Sometimes we need, to, Ran. We’re just paying back the favor.” 

Ranmaru’s face is unreadable, but he’s gotten to the table, Tokiya behind him. He ends up with Tokiya and Ren on either side of him, facing the empty chair. 

He eats quickly, though he can’t finish his entire plate. He hadn’t realized how his appetite had died, but he already had a stomach ache. He isn’t going to complain about it. But he does set down his fork onto his plate. He’s the first one done. That’s probably not a good thing.

They don’t say anything. It’s still a significant amount more than Ranmaru had been eating recently. Ren had plans to make sure that Ranmaru at least tried to eat something for lunch and dinner.

Ranmaru did. But most of the day was spent napping, or watching TV on the couch. Ranmaru was like a magnet, attracting Ren and Tokiya to him, each settling in on a side. It had been a long time, and Ranmaru couldn’t say that he really minded the attention. 

They dropped the subject, but Ranmaru couldn’t ignore their worry. They were being so obvious about it, even though they didn’t mean to be. Ranmaru wasn’t letting himself show that he was a bit annoyed- sure, he should’ve said something to the trainer earlier, but he had just been taking things as they had come. He didn’t want to mess up his chance. 

But he knew his temper, even shorter than it usually was, stemmed from how tired he was. Especially on days off where he couldn’t ignore it. 

They let him sleep. Tokiya and Ren would just lie with him during his naps. He had taken several short ones throughout the day. He had eaten part of lunch and part of dinner, but it was something. 

That night, he slept in Ren and Tokiya’s bed. 

His chest ached when he realized that he didn’t really consider it his bed anymore. He had spent too much time sleeping alone. 

When his alarm went off the next morning, he got up. Ren saw that he ate something before he left.

It didn’t get any better. 

Only a month later Tokiya and Ren had started waiting on the couch. Ranmaru would get home and see them both asleep. 

Ranmaru would sigh, shaking them both to rouse them. 

“We need to talk.” Ren mumbles sleepily. 

“Later.” Ranmaru promises. “For now, you two need to get to bed.” Ren would huff, but both men are too tired to argue. 

This happens three nights in a row. 

On the fourth night, something actually happens. 

Ranmaru walks in, and he looks miserable. He’s home too early. Ren and Tokiya are still awake, and are concerned as soon as he walks in. 

Ranmaru swallows hard. His voice is thick- and with growing worry they realize that he’s on the edge of tears. 

“I’ll talk about it. Tomorrow. I can’t right now. I’ve gotta go lie down.” His voice is hoarse as well. He closes the door and heads further into the apartment, not taking off his jacket or shoes. Ren stops him, moving to stand in front of him, and Ranmaru doesn’t manage to stop himself, stumbling into Ren. It takes too much effort to remain standing after the bump. “Shit, sorry.” Ranmaru’s face twists for just a second in a grimace. 

Ren’s hands reach out, grabbing Ranmaru’s arms. Trying to steady the man. “We can talk about it tomorrow. But let me at least help you get comfortable.”

“I can’t, Ren, I’m on fumes.” 

“Then let’s go sit down on the bed and at least get you out of your jacket and shoes and makeup, okay? I want you to sleep in our bed tonight.”

Ranmaru just gives a slight nod. 

Tokiya’s come up behind Ranmaru, and he helps Ren lead Ranmaru to the bedroom. Ranmaru had been looking worse, recently, but never this bad. He was on par with Tokiya during Tokiya’s worst days- and maybe even a bit worse. 

Ranmaru was definitely a little smaller than Ren right now. Ren had been making sure he had been eating, but that was, at best, one meal a day. 

It didn’t look like Ranmaru was eating much more than that. 

And he was so pale. 

Ren would take off Ranmaru’s jacket, and Tokiya would take off Ranmaru’s shoes, once he was sat, slumped over, on their bed. Ren would move to take off Ranmaru’s shirt. 

Ren knew Ranmaru’s preference of sleeping without a shirt. Ranmaru once told Ren that it felt like his shirt choked him sometimes, should he move in his sleep. But Ranmaru stops Ren’s hand. 

“...You sure you wanna do that, Ren?” Ranmaru’s voice is so tired, but the thought is coherent. 

Ren’s eyebrows furrow, but it doesn’t stop him. Ranmaru drops his hand, and Ren takes Ranmaru’s shirt off. Ren seems to bite back a noise, but his face is alarmed. Ranmaru looks incredibly unhealthy. He was working himself to the point where the food he was eating wasn’t enough energy to cover all of the energy he was expending. Ranmaru had, a bit purposefully, stopped paying attention to how his body looked. 

Even Ranmaru didn’t know the full extent of it, because he had gotten talented in ignoring it. He was half asleep when he took showers, and got dressed anyways. There weren’t many times he’d look at his body. 

He still doesn’t. Ren’s expression tells him everything he needs to know. 

He feels Tokiya press his cheek against Ranmaru’s leg. 

“We’ll talk about this tomorrow. But I’m sorry.” Tokiya squeezes Ranmaru’s calf.

“You can’t blame yourself.” Ranmaru says, his voice only just coherent. He’s so exhausted. 

“I know you’re tired, Ran, but I think we should get your jeans off.” Ren says softly. Ranmaru sighs, and he barely manages to stand up. He’s worried them too much already to fight them on anything right now.

Ranmaru manages to unbutton his jeans, but he’s not stable enough to lean down right now. He really might fall asleep on the floor. Even in his barely awake state, he feels the concern from the other two. 

Ren sets him back down on the bed, so that he can sit again, and Ren takes Ranmaru’s pants off the rest of the way. As soon as Ranmaru is out of his clothes, he tries to lay down. 

“Your makeup.” Ren reminds, setting a hand on Ranmaru’s arm. 

Ranmaru’s eyes burn. He’s so tired. All he wants to do is sleep. 

“We’ll be really fast.” Ren promises, seeing Ranmaru’s expression change. Tokiya’s already went to the bathroom to get some makeup removing wipes. Tokiya returns. 

“Close your eyes.” Tokiya says softly, and he quickly and carefully wipes off Ranmaru’s makeup. Ranmaru can’t reopen his eyes. He goes to lie down again and they let him. They cover him with the blanket that Tokiya had barely managed to pull back before Ranmaru had laid on it. 

Ren gets in behind Ranmaru, and Tokiya behind Ren. Ren holds Ranmaru close. Ranmaru is already asleep. 

Ranmaru’s alarm goes off. Ren shuts it off before Ranmaru can even get to it. 

Ranmaru hadn’t even stirred. Ren glances at Ranmaru’s phone and sees a message from Ranmaru’s work. 

It’s releasing him from his job today. 

Good. 

Ren wasn’t letting Ranmaru go in today, anyways. Ren didn’t want to let Ranmaru go back at all, if he were being honest. 

He thought this was a bad idea. 

Ranmaru sleeps until near evening. Ren wants to wake him to eat, but he doesn’t, because even while Ranmaru’s sleeping, he still looks tired. Ren and Tokiya take turns staying in the bed with Ran until he wakes up. 

Ranmaru feels about as great as he looks. He groans, trying to sit up for a second but settles with turning onto his back. Tokiya was in the bed. Tokiya moves to let Ranmaru move, but then gets closer to him, cuddling into his side. 

Ranmaru’s chest constricts. 

He still sets a hand on Tokiya’s shoulder. His entire body feels heavy, which is ironic, considering this was probably the lightest he’d ever weighed. 

It takes a few minutes for Ren to enter. Ren walks up to Ranmaru, standing on the side of his bed. He brushes his fingers over Ranmaru’s cheek. “How are you feeling?” Ren asks softly. 

“Like shit.” Ranmaru says. His throat is dry, and scratchy. 

“Do you think you could eat?”

“Maybe.” Ranmaru guesses he could try. 

“I can bring it in here if you can’t get up.” Ren’s already moving towards the door. 

“I can at least make it to the couch.” Ranmaru says, his voice barely loud enough for Tokiya to catch it. 

He slowly sits up. All of his muscles ache. He pushes through it. Tokiya sets his hand on Ranmaru’s arm, looking stern. “Ran, pushing yourself is what got you to this situation.” 

“I’m just movin’ to the couch, and I’ll sit down over there, okay?” Ranmaru almost started his sentence with ‘Don’t worry’. He held it back because he didn’t think that Tokiya would appreciate it. 

Tokiya helps Ranmaru up, and over to the couch. Ranmaru settles onto it heavily. At least he made it. 

Ren brings over a plate of food for Ranmaru. 

Ren and Tokiya sit on either side of Ranmaru. Neither of them speak until Ranmaru has set down the somewhat empty plate. 

“What happened yesterday, Ran?” Ren’s voice is so gentle. 

Ranmaru guesses he should get used to that tone now.

If they didn’t get angry. 

God, he felt like an idiot. 

“We were performing a show.” Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. “I passed out on stage.” 

“Oh my god.” Ren’s eyes widen. Tokiya’s face looks horrified. 

“Fuckin’ disgraceful.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds genuinely upset. 

“That’s- no, Ranmaru, please don’t take that out of this.” Ren shakes his head. 

“Don’t get me wrong.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “I’m fully aware that I did it to myself. I should’ve been takin’ better care of myself, and it wouldn’t have happened.”

“It’s the job, Ran. It’s not you.” Tokiya’s voice is understanding. It’s laced with an undertone of pain. “If you give them control, they’ll take it. They don’t care about you, they only care about what you can do for them. If you let them have your time, they’ll take all of it. They know that they’re you’re overworked, but as long as you’re working, they don’t care.”

Ranmaru shakes his head. He closes his eyes tightly for a second. “I should’ve known better.” Are the words he settles on. “They just kept reminding me about what a risk it was to take on an idol as old as I am. That I was the head of the band. I feel like I’m fucking over my bandmates when I’m not there. I can’t believe I fuckin’ fell for it.” 

“Ran. We let you do it because we wanted you to be happy- but it seems like a sketchy Agency and I’m sorry we let it get this far. I’m glad that you weren’t hurt worse. That could have been so dangerous, baby.” Ren leans against Ranmaru. 

“We aren’t going to let it go any further. You have to try to listen to your own body, Ran. I know how terrible you must feel. Very well.”

“I know.” Ranmaru says flatly. His voice sounds tired. “I guess I don’t have a choice.” 

“You don’t.” Ren says. His voice is final. Ranmaru wasn’t used to that tone from Ren. He guessed he’d asked for it this time. Ren is still leaning his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. “You need to time to get healthy again. I know your contract isn’t up, but it’s only six months. We can break the contract and pay them for it. I know you’re going to argue to finish it out, but your health is more important, Ranmaru.”

Ranmaru sighs. “Alright.”

“Thank you for not fighting us, baby.” Ren says, his voice returning to a softer tone.

Ranmaru’s voice comes out strained. “I’ve been on the other end of this. I can understand what you two are feeling.” He sighs, running a hand over his face. Tokiya catches his hand when it drops to his side, gripping Ranmaru’s larger hand in both of Tokiya’s. “I’m sorry. Up until last night, I knew that I wasn’t bein’ healthy, but I didn’t think I was this bad. I shouldn’t have ignored it. I really didn’t mean to make you worry.”

“That’s our job, Ran. To look out for each other.” Tokiya says, laying his head on Ranmaru’s other shoulder. Ranmaru couldn’t say that he didn’t like having them close to him. “You’ve done it for me. You’ve done it for Ren. Sometimes we have to be there for you.” Tokiya squeezes Ranmaru’s hand.

“Even if sometimes you make it hard to let us.” Ren sighs. 

True to their word, Ranmaru’s contract was cancelled. He had to pay what he felt was entirely too much, but with all three of them having been working, they pay it off without putting themselves into a bad situation. 

Ranmaru doesn’t think he could’ve handled it if he gone back into debt from this. He wouldn’t have let Ren or Tokiya help him if it had been more than it was. Thank god it was only six months. 

Ren and Tokiya still worked, but they’ve been home more recently. Ranmaru has trouble sitting still, especially after being so busy for the past few months, but they’re insistent that he be careful and not overexert himself at first. 

He starts eating regularly. He still plays his bass. 

Reiji had reached out to him. Told him about how he heard a little bit of what happened, and told Ranmaru that Shining had reached out to him to suggest a short tour. STARISH was nearing its last one, and Shining thought that a Quartet Night comeback could be a nice way to send them off. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t show it- but he was ecstatic. Even if it meant he’d have to deal with Camus.

“Sounds good. Guess I’ll be seein’ ya then, Reiji.”


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning!!! Suicide and depression! If that is triggering to you, please don't read this chapter! Please take care of yourselves!

“C-can this be the part where it starts getting better?” Tokiya would wipe at his eyes, and he’d let out a humorless laugh through his tears. 

He was sitting with his best man, Ren, and one of his groomsmen, Ranmaru. 

“Oh, Toki.” Ren leans over, rubbing Tokiya’s back. His eyebrows were furrowed. Worried. 

Tokiya should be at the altar right now, getting married to a woman that he thought he loved. A woman that he thought loved him. 

He had given up everything for this. For her. 

They had a no love rule, and Tokiya broke it for her, facing the reprimands. The suspension. She wanted to get married, and he gave up the only thing that made him as happy as she did- his job. The wedding was exactly the way that she wanted it to be. He thought the tux he was wearing was uncomfortable, but this was the one she had wanted him to wear, so he smiled and wore it. 

He hated leading conversations, but she wasn’t good at carrying one on so Tokiya learned. Tokiya managed with the fact that he was better at comforting her than she was at comforting him. He gave up parts of himself for her. But it felt like it was worth it. 

“What did I do wrong?” Tokiya puts his head in his hands. 

“Nothin’.” Ranmaru says gruffly. Tokiya thinks he sounds angry. Tokiya can still find it in himself to appreciate the two of them. The other STARISH boys were here, but they were handling things elsewhere. Like getting the guests out. The rest of the groomsmen weren’t Tokiya’s. They were friends of the bride. Tokiya would have loved to have more groomsmen be his own friends, but he had given in to her. Tokiya doesn’t know where he’d be if Ren and Ranmaru weren’t here right now. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Tokiya. I know it’s too soon to hear this, but she was a… she wasn’t a good person. She didn’t ever treat you right.” Ranmaru sighs. “But even I didn’t think she’d stoop this low. You don’t deserve this. It wasn’t anything that you did.”

“I still love her.” Tokiya’s voice is broken. “If she came back in right now, I’d still marry her.”

Ren and Ranmaru stay quiet for a minute, though Ren continues to rub Tokiya’s back. 

“It’s going to take a long time, Toki, but you’ll get over her and you’ll find someone that you deserve. The next time you’re at the altar, you’re going to be with someone who loves you just as much as you love them.” Ren’s voice sounds so certain that Tokiya can almost believe him. 

“Or I’ll be alone.” Tokiya says miserably. “Maybe this is a sign.”

“Don’t.” Ranmaru shakes his head. “Don’t do that yourself. The only thing that you should take out of this is that she fucked you over, Toki. That’s her loss. You dodged a bullet. I promise.”

Tokiya nods, but he isn’t sure how much he feels it. 

He wishes he could go home and sleep and never wake up. He gave her everything. What was left for him? 

He sobs harder. 

Tokiya wasn’t even near his home. He was a four hour plane ride away because his ex-fiancee had wanted this wedding where most of her family could come. That meant that not many of Tokiya’s friends could make it. At least STARISH and Ranmaru had come. Reiji, Ai and Camus had wished him a happy wedding, too, before he had left. And he had two tickets for a honeymoon, to a place he didn’t even want to go. But he went. For her. That left tomorrow. 

For tonight he was in a hotel room. Ren and Ranmaru were in the room next to him. 

Ren and Ranmaru let him cry himself out. 

Tokiya finally does. 

“I want to leave.” Tokiya says, his voice hoarse. 

“Do you want to stay in our room tonight?” Ren asks gently. 

Tokiya wanted to sulk. But he also didn’t want to be alone. Ren’s face made it seem like he’d like Tokiya to agree. Tokiya was sure that Ren was worried. Tokiya would nod.

That night, Tokiya found himself sitting on the edge of the couch, Ren and Ranmaru on it with him as well. He had his mostly untouched dinner on his lap. A noodle dish he had ordered from room service. He wasn’t hungry and he wasn’t interested in eating, but Ren and Ranmaru had insisted that he at least try. 

Tokiya’s exercise and diet hadn’t changed from when he was an idol. He still overworked his body more than he should, but she had liked how he looked as an idol and had often requested that he keep up with his idol training even after he had given up his job. Tokiya wasn’t a big fan of that, but it was alright. It wasn’t that much of an issue. 

Tokiya would set his food down on the table in front of him, curling up and leaning his head against the side of the couch. He feels Ren reach over to squeeze his arm for a second, before pulling back his hand. “Toki, why don’t you go lay down?” 

“I can take the couch.” Tokiya mumbles, his eyes starting to close. 

“Nonsense. These beds are big. Ran and I can share.” 

Tokiya knew that Ren and Ranmaru were more than they were letting on. But he knew how miserable it was getting caught, so he never let on that he knew. He thinks that they knew he was aware. 

“If you insist.” Tokiya mumbles. He stands, and then he hesitates, not quite looking at Ren or Ranmaru. “I have two tickets to some resort. I’m only one person, and I don’t think I could go right now anyways. I think it’s too late for a refund, and it’d be a waste of money to just not use it. Would you two take it?”

“Toki-” Ren starts, but Tokiya shakes his head. 

He turns, smiling a bit. It’s a weak smile, but it’s as real as he can muster. “Don’t worry about me. I’d like for you two to go and have a good time. You two were here for me when I got stood up at my wedding. That’s the kind of thing that’s supposed to happen on soap operas. You’ve already done so much. ...I’d really like you to take it.” He finishes, realizing that he’s rambled. 

Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “You’re really sure?” He sounds uncertain. “Can we at least reimburse you?”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I’m not struggling. Just have a good time. That’s all I ask of you two.”

Ren’s eyebrows don’t unfurrow, but Tokiya smiles again. “I’ll give you the tickets in the morning. You’ve done more than enough for me to deserve them.” He heads towards the bed. He’s stopped by his room long enough to ditch the stupid tux. He just curls into the bed, and he hears Ren sigh softly. 

“Goodnight, Toki.”

“G’night.” Ranmaru echoes. 

“Goodnight, you two.” Tokiya mumbles tiredly. He’d curl in on himself tightly. It was going to be a long night. Luckily he fell asleep quickly. 

He woke up twice, crying so hard that he couldn’t sleep through it. He was quiet enough that he didn’t wake Ren or Ranmaru, and he had no intentions to bother them. He was sure that it was obvious when he woke up, because Ren seems concerned when he sees Tokiya’s face. 

Tokiya shakes his head. “‘M fine.” His voice is shot. He expected that. “I’ll be back. Going to get dressed.” Tokiya leaves the room, snatching his key off of the table where he left it last night. Ren watches him leave. Tokiya returns to his own room. 

He lashes out, for the first time. He throws the pillows off of his bed. He angrily shifts through his clothes, many of them flying out of his suitcase. He angrily pulls off his clothes from last night, angrily crying his way through his struggle of aggressively putting on clothes. His sobs are bitter. 

Tokiya wanted to stop feeling sorry for himself, but how could he? Just yesterday he was supposed to have a wife, and now he was entirely alone.

Now he was going to be alone forever. 

No one was ever going to love him.

Tokiya really thought she loved him.

Maybe he was unloveable. 

The room was a mess, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t clean himself. He’d step into the bathroom to scrub angrily at his face. It was clean now, if a bit red. He’d grab the tickets on his way out, as well as his key, and he’d place the do not disturb sign on the door. The last thing he wanted was for a maid to walk in on the results of his temper tantrum. 

He’d knock on Ren and Ranmaru’s door. Ren would answer it quickly. Tokiya would enter, closing the door behind himself. Ren looked like he was ready for the day. Ranmaru… not so much. Ranmaru was still in bed. Tokiya wasn’t surprised. He’d hand the tickets to Ren. 

Ren hesitates, but Tokiya continues to hold them out. “Please.” He says quietly. 

Ren takes them. His voice is quiet, and careful. “Thank you, Tokiya.”

“Just have fun. For me. I know I’m miserable, but you don’t need to be miserable for me. I’ll eventually get over it. For right now, I’m just excited to get home,” 

Tokiya had forgotten until that moment about all of the reminders he’d be faced with back at home. He doesn’t let his face show his realization. He’d handle it when he got there. 

“How are you handling yourself right now, Toki?” Ren asks, his voice no less careful. He watches Tokiya closely. 

“I’m still not over her. Maybe I never really will be. I realize that it only happened yesterday, but I don’t know how I’m going to handle it. I think more than anything I’m scared that she’ll reach out to me again. I don’t think I could stop myself from taking her back.”

Ren sighs. He reaches out, squeezing Tokiya’s shoulder. “It’s only the day after, too, Toki. I know it must feel like your world is ending, but you’ll start feeling better eventually. It’s just going to be slow. But Ran and I, and all of the other boys, will be here for you if you need us.”

“I know. And I can’t thank you enough.” Tokiya manages a slight smile. “I should go get packed. If I’m right, the plane back leaves earlier than the other tickets.”

“And you’re absolutely positive you don’t want Ran and I to fly back with you?”

“Yes. I want you to take those tickets, Ren. Really.”

Ren sighs. “Alright. Thank you again, Tokiya.”

“Of course. Call me when you’re back.” Tokiya manages one last smile. He thinks it was going to be the last one he’d probably give for a while.

“Absolutely. We’ll drop by once we’ve returned.” Ren says softly. He watches Tokiya leave. 

Tokiya heads back to his room to fix his mess. The pillows aren’t hard, but the clothes are a lot worse. He leaves the tux in the room. Let them toss it. Or take it. He doesn’t care, he just doesn’t want it. It wasn’t like he wasn’t going to leave them a nice tip, anyways. The plane ride sucked. Especially without anyone else. He managed to get a middle seat. He has no idea how he kept it together all afternoon, but as soon as he steps through his door, he sobs. 

All of her things were already gone. Who knows when she arrived back.

Tokiya isn’t even sure if she ever flew to the location. She may have never even left. He makes it to the couch, his suitcase by the door, and he just curls up, still wearing his shoes. His lip quivers. His body shakes with sobs. 

Tokiya had given her everything.

Why wasn’t it enough? Could he have given more?

Was she unhappy? 

Was Tokiya so self-centered that he hadn’t even managed to realize that she wasn’t happy in this relationship?

Tokiya had tried, but he guesses that wasn’t enough. His heart hurt. He’d wipe at the tears, but it doesn’t matter because more just come. He just lies there. His body is sore from crying. 

It takes him hours to get off of the couch, and he only gets up to get water and to go to the bathroom. He heads back to the couch. He lies down. He falls asleep. 

He doesn’t move from the couch for three days, beyond getting water and taking trips to the restroom. He still wore the same clothes from before. 

Ren had called him later that day after they landed, and he had asked about Tokiya, and Tokiya’s well being. 

“How are you doing, Tokiya?”

“Shouldn’t I be asking you that?” Tokiya says. His voice isn’t any less scratchy than it has been for the last two days. “But I’m trying to handle myself. You shouldn’t worry about me. At least not until you’re back.”

“We’re your friends, Toki. Of course we’re going to worry about you. Especially after all of this.”

Tokiya couldn’t lie. He was touched. Ren was sweet and Tokiya appreciated that. 

“Thank you for checking up on me, Ren. But I’m managing the best that I can.”

“Alright. Call me if you need anything. Even if it’s just to talk.”

“I will. Thank you again, Ren.”

“Of course, Toki. Get some rest.”

“I will. Take care. Both of you.”

“We will. Goodbye, Toki.”

“Goodbye, Ren.”

Ranmaru called next, only a few days later. 

“Hello?” Tokiya had been woken up. His voice was obviously being underused, because it was heavily strained.

“You sound like shit. I take it that you haven’t been holdin’ up very well?” 

“I did just wake up.” Tokiya says. “It makes me sound worse.”

“That still didn’t answer my question.”

“...I haven’t, no. But it’s fine. I’ll eventually get over it.” Ranmaru sighs. 

“We’ll be back soon. Just try to take care of yourself.”

“Don’t worry about me. Please. At least for now.”

Ranmaru sighs again. “Easier said than done. We appreciate it, Toki, but we both still don’t feel right about leavin’ you alone right now.”

“Because you both are great friends, and the thought is enough to make me happy. I mean that genuinely.” Tokiya wasn’t lying. He liked the warm feeling in his chest when they told him that they were worried. He liked feeling cared for. “But I don’t regret giving you those tickets. If you really want to help me when you get back, you’ll have your hands full then.” The last sentence comes out dry. 

“We’re going to drop by as soon as we can once we’re back. Try to at least eat somethin’ if you haven’t.”

Tokiya hasn’t. “I’ll try.” It’s a mumble. 

Ranmaru clicks his tongue. “Take care of yourself, Toki.”

“I’ll try. Goodbye, Ran.”

“See ya soon.”

True to their word, two days later Tokiya got a knock on his door. “Come in.” He tries to call out. His voice is barely there. He’s still on the couch. 

He hasn’t even changed clothes. 

The door opens, and Ren and Ranmaru seem concerned before they’re even fully inside. 

“Jesus, Toki.” Ranmaru frowns. Tokiya’s aware of how terrible he looks. Ranmaru doesn’t remind him. Ranmaru is the last of the two in, so he shuts the door behind himself. 

Tokiya doesn’t even sit himself up. It isn’t as if it’d make him look any less terrible. Ren would head towards Tokiya’s kitchen. Ranmaru makes his way over to Tokiya. 

“C’mon, sit up.” Tokiya would sigh, but would push himself up. He’s been mostly sleeping, but he’s sure that he still looks tired. Being in the house was hard, and her stuff missing only seemed to make it harder. “You’re gonna make yourself sick.” Ranmaru sighs. He sits down next to Tokiya. 

Ren comes back with a frown. Tokiya realizes that he can’t remember seeing any real food in the fridge. They hadn’t went shopping before the wedding, because they didn’t want anything going bad. Tokiya definitely hadn’t bought any food since he had arrived back. 

“Have you eaten anything at all?” Ren says, his voice worried. 

Tokiya shakes his head. “I’ve barely left the couch.”

Another sigh from Ranmaru. Ren speaks. “There’s hardly anything here for me to make. I’d like to cook something, but for now I’ll go pick something up.”

Ren is already heading back towards the door. 

Ranmaru stays sitting on the couch. 

“She took everything. I think she planned this.” Tokiya speaks after Ren is gone. He’s just staring at the TV that isn’t on right now. His voice is higher than it should be. 

Ranmaru sets his hand on Tokiya’s shoulder, squeezing it. “She doesn’t deserve you. I know this doesn’t feel like a good thing, but I really do think that after enough time, you’ll be happier.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Tokiya’s voice sounds empty. “I feel hurt and betrayed. But I can’t stop wondering where I went wrong. I was so sure that she was happy. I tried to do everything I could to make sure she was happy.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Tokiya. I know it feels like it’s your fault, but it’s not. You can’t control other people. And I’m not sayin’ this is what happened- but I’ve dealt with too many people that aren’t interested in who you are. They’re only interested in what you can give ‘em. I hope for your sake that wasn’t who she was but- it happens more often than it should.” Ranmaru’s tone is grim. 

Tokiya had heard vague stories, from Ranmaru himself, about Ranmaru’s unfortunate crossovers with the women of his past. He had heard horror stories from Ren about Siera. 

Tokiya would stay quiet. He isn’t sure how he wants to take it. 

Ren comes back sooner than Tokiya had expected. It’s a type of fast food, but it seems like Ren tried to find something that wasn’t overly greasy or unhealthy. “We’ll figure something out later to make sure you’re eating real food, but for now you just need to eat.”

Tokiya picks at his food. He eats some of it- but Ren and Ranmaru don’t move the conversation forward until Tokiya has given a valid attempt at eating. He managed to finish about half of the wrap. Ren would take the rest from him to put it away. 

“Why don’t you go to take a shower?” Ranmaru suggests. Tokiya nods, slowly getting himself off of the couch. He’s fairly unsteady on his feet after having not walked around very much for the past week. He’d make it into his room and he’d have to stop. All of her stuff was gone from here, too, but just being in the room he had shared was a painful feeling. That’s when he’d notice something in the trashcan. 

He’d carefully approach it. The first thing he notices are the pictures. Many of them seem to have been crumpled up, or ripped slightly as she took them out and threw them away. It makes him feel sick, and tears prick at his eyes immediately. It had been a day or two since he had last cried. So much for that. He really starts crying when he notices the last thing in the garbage can- the velvet box that had carried the ring he had given her. It was open just enough for him to tell that the box was empty. It seemed more like a message.

He’d take the box from the trash can and would sit on the bed, holding it tightly in his hands. His lip quivers. He runs his fingers over the velvet outside, and he lets out his first sob. 

Tokiya tries to figure out what he could possibly have done to make her do this. She took her stuff, and threw away anything sentimental. But she took the ring. 

Tokiya’s first thought was that she’d probably sell it. 

He’s reminded of Ranmaru’s comment. 

Tokiya realizes that he hadn’t shut the door entirely when Ren knocks on the door softly. “Toki? Can I come in?”

Tokiya wipes at his eyes with a hiccup. “Yeah.” 

Ren enters the room, his eyebrows furrowed, and he looks at Tokiya, glancing down to Tokiya’s hands. His eyes land on the trash can a second later, and understanding crosses his face. He walks closer to Tokiya, sitting next to him on the bed and rubbing his back. 

Tokiya just cries, gripping the box so tightly that his knuckles have turned white. The hinges creak from the pressure. 

“I’m sure you’re tired of hearing this, but she isn’t worth this, Toki. You don’t deserve to be hurting like this because of her.” 

“Whether you’re right or not- it’s not going to help.” Tokiya says miserably. He is starting to form different opinions on her- but it’s only making his opinion on himself worse. He wondered if he pushed her to do this. “I appreciate the two of you trying your best, but I don’t know if there’s anything that can help.”

“I know. But we’re still going to try to help you through this, Toki. We’ll just do our best. It might take a while, but if you ever need us, we’ll both be here.” Ren would give a soft smile. 

Tokiya can’t quite manage one, but he thinks Ren understands that he’s appreciative. 

“Why don’t you go take a shower? I think it might make you feel better.”

Tokiya did feel pretty gross. He’d nod, making his way up. It takes a second for him to grab his clothes, and another wave of discomfort washes over him when he notices the lack of clothes in the drawers and the closet, but he grabs his clothes and makes his way into the bathroom. 

Later that night Ren invites Tokiya to stay with him. Tokiya learns that Ren and Ranmaru live together- which reinforces the idea that they’re together. They don’t address it, but Tokiya doesn’t either. He does go with them. He doesn’t want to be alone in his house right now. It’s painful. 

A month later, Tokiya still hasn’t started feeling better. He isn’t staying with Ren and Ranmaru anymore, and that’s because he can’t justify it. Ren and Ranmaru, sometimes together and sometimes just one of them, stop by his home often to check on him. 

It ended up being a good thing that they did. 

Tokiya had forgone the note. He had underestimated how worried Ren and Ranmaru were about him- he had expected that they wouldn’t enter his house if he didn’t answer when they knocked. He supposed he knew he’d eventually be found, but he assumed it’d be too late anyways. 

Probably days after he was already dead. 

Tokiya is dressed in normal clothes, but the sleeves of his sweater are rolled up to above his elbows. He’s thought for a while about the best way to do this. He doesn’t want to go out painfully, but he can’t think of any other way. 

Tokiya didn’t often drink, but he had a bottle of wine from his last relationship still in the fridge. It was mostly full- she was the only one who drank it. He was drinking it straight from the bottle. 

Not that the alcohol would manage to make him feel better. Not right now. He has a knife laid in front of him. It was a large kitchen knife, the largest he had. He knew that his knives weren’t very sharp because he didn’t know how to sharpen them himself, and he hadn’t brought them in to get sharpened in a very long time. It would be sharp enough to do what he needed to do. 

He considers contacting Ren. Or Ranmaru. But how would that conversation go?

I’m done. I’m killing myself. I don’t want you to stop me but I wanted to tell you.

He couldn’t do that to them. He felt bad enough for wasting their time on a lost cause like himself. She had made sure that Tokiya was only good for their relationship, and now that he didn’t have that, Tokiya was good for nothing. 

She had taken everything from him. This next step seemed natural. 

Tokiya hadn’t considered suicide for years. The last time he remembers planning it was in his teenage years. It was back when he was Hayato. He had never spoken to anyone about those feelings. 

But he was tired of feeling so miserable and he couldn’t think of another way to end it. 

He’d grab the knife, holding it firmly in his hand. It shook. The first slice he’d make was testing. It was too light to do anything but bubble slightly with blood. Tokiya knew how he was supposed to do this. He imagined most people knew- but he’d imagine many hadn’t gone through with it. 

Tokiya’s suddenly unsure. 

He’s sobbing, the tip of the knife pressed against the inside of his elbow. There’s a small cut, because his hands are shaking so badly that the blade had scraped and jabbed against the skin. The door resonates with a loud knocking. Tokiya sets the knife on the counter. 

He’s so out of it that he doesn’t even wipe his face. He doesn’t even lower his sleeve. He isn’t sure what he’s going to tell them. He just heads towards the door. He idly wonders why he’s even answering it. 

There’s another knock. He wonders if they can feel that something’s wrong. Maybe he’s giving off an aura. It certainly doesn’t feel like anything is right. 

Tokiya answers the door. 

It’s both of them. Ren and Ranmaru. Tokiya’s face is still a mess and Ren and Ranmaru pick up on the vibe quickly. The concern is serious. Moreso than usual. 

Ren takes Tokiya in, and he stops at his wrist. 

Ren grabs Tokiya’s arm, gently pushing Tokiya back into the house, holding his arm so that Ren can see it. 

Ranmaru’s alerted, too. Tokiya’s numb. “Tokiya, what were you doing?” Ren’s voice is so cautious and careful. He glances away from Tokiya’s arm, and he looks up, his eyes catching on where Tokiya had obviously just been. 

His eyes catch on the knife on the counter, and Ren’s position changes quickly. He pulls Tokiya into what seems to be a hug, but Tokiya knows better. It’s a restraint. Ranmaru takes everything in just a second after Ren does. Tokiya is pressed against Ren’s chest tightly, so he can’t see either of their expressions. 

“That cut on your wrist, is that all you managed to do? Did you hurt yourself anywhere else?”

Tokiya doesn’t want to verbally respond, but both questions had a different answer. “It’s only the one.” He says, his voice is quiet and monotone. A little shaky, too. 

“Come on, Toki. Come with me.” Ren carefully lets Tokiya out of the hug, but he still had a hold on Tokiya’s uninjured arm. Ranmaru is already looking something up on his phone. 

Tokiya thinks he knows where this is heading. Tears return to his eyes and he shakes his head, his voice fearful. “Please, no, please. I don’t want to go to the hospital.”

“I’m sorry, Toki, but we don’t have a choice. We’re doing this for you, Toki. You need help. We want you to be safe, honey.”

They’d bring Tokiya to the hospital. He’d be in the emergency room for the rest of the night, and an inpatient facility for five days after that- two more days than his seventy-two hour hold would dictate. Ren and Ranmaru had stayed with him in the ER, and they had visited him every visitation night. 

Tokiya hated it. 

It was less than a day there that he was ready to leave. They put him on medication. It didn’t make him sick, but he didn’t feel like it would help. 

Tokiya was going to just take a car home, but two nights before Tokiya was released, Ren had told Tokiya to call him on his release day. Ren wanted to pick him up. 

Tokiya had made a mention of it to one of the doctors, who insisted that the idea was better than Tokiya going home by himself. The doctors couldn’t speak to Ranmaru or Ren, because the two were only friends, but it was clear that Tokiya was close to them, and the doctors encouraged Tokiya to put a safety plan in place involving the two. 

When Ren picked Tokiya up, Ren had headed back to his own home. 

They spoke on the ride home. 

“How are you feeling, Toki?” 

“I don’t know.” Tokiya frowns slightly. “I suppose I’m better. But I didn’t find the program particularly helpful.” 

Tokiya hadn’t expected to. He tried to keep an open mind- but he hadn’t learned anything new. Only more techniques, but they didn’t seem helpful. If Tokiya was well enough to put the techniques into practice, he was well enough to not need the techniques. 

“I can’t force you to do anything.” Ren’s voice is quiet. “But I’d really like it if you’d stay with me for a while. “I don’t like the idea of you being by yourself right now.”

“...Alright. But only if I’m not a bother. I don’t want to be in the way.”

“You’d never be, Tokiya. I just want to know that you’re alright. And I don’t think you can be right now. Ranmaru and I can’t be around you enough to know when you’re not doing well, or if you’re making it harder on yourself when you’re alone. ...If we hadn’t stopped by when we had…” Ren’s last sentence sounds distant. Tokiya feels his chest constrict at how genuinely upset Ren sounds. “I’m just glad you’re still here with us.”

That night, Tokiya just goes to Ren’s apartment. There’s a spare room that he stays in. That he likely will be staying in for a while. The next day Ren drives Tokiya to his own home to collect some of his things. On the way back, Ren stops by the pharmacy so that Tokiya can pick up his medication. 

The only reason Tokiya took his pills every day was Ren. Ren would remind him every morning, and would watch Tokiya until he had taken it. Tokiya still didn’t think that it would do anything. 

It would be about a week in to living with them, when Ren would approach Tokiya with a serious expression. “Tokiya.” Tokiya’s full attention is on Ren at the use of his full name. “Would you show me your arms?” 

Tokiya knows what Ren is trying to do. Tokiya sighs, but he rolls up his sleeves to show Ren that his arms are clean. There’s a very faint line from two weeks ago, barely even noticeable. It’s the last remaining mark from before his stay at the hospital. “I don’t self harm, Ren.” Tokiya says softly. “It was solely for the attempt.” 

“I’d still like to check and make sure. I’d rather be safe than sorry.” 

“I know. I’ll show you if you ask, but I promise that it isn’t something you need to worry about.”

Ren pulls Tokiya into a hug. “I know, Toki. Just- please let me know if you’re ever not feeling right from here on out. I really care for you Tokiya. And I know Ranmaru does as well. We just want you to be healthy and happy.”

Tokiya swallows. “I care for both of you, too. Thank you.”

Tokiya meant it in a different way than Ren had. Tokiya felt terrible. 

They were very clearly taken. Tokiya hadn’t entirely managed to move on from his ex-fiancee, but the feelings he had started to develop for not just Ren, but Ranmaru as well, made him feel terrible. 

They were taken, he reminds himself again. And even if they weren’t, they deserved better than Tokiya. He could never expect them to return his feelings. 

It’s been months. Every once in a while Tokiya brings up that he can move out if he’s overextended his visit, but Ren consistently assures him that he’s fine. Ranmaru eventually told him that if they wanted him gone, they’d tell him. 

Tokiya missed the looks he’d get from Ranmaru. The hints that Ren would drop. 

Tokiya would have gotten drunk one night. It had been a bad day, and he would have left at six. Which is why Ren and Ranmaru would have been very surprised at ten at night when Tokiya came in, shitfaced. And not a good kind, either. Tokiya’s day had already been hard and emotional, and now that he was drunk it was worse. Now he was just upset and significantly more honest about it. 

“Shit, Tokiya, what happened?” Ranmaru would be the first to stand from the couch when Tokiya stumbled in. Tokiya winces. He wanted to go to his room to hide. He was hoping they wouldn’t see him. 

“‘M sorry.” Tokiya looks like a guilty, scared child. “Sorry.” He apologizes again. 

Ranmaru sighs. “Jesus christ.” Ranmaru approaches Tokiya, and Tokiya looks down at the floor, waiting to be scolded. “C’mon. Let’s get you sittin’ down before you fall over.” Ranmaru grabs Tokiya’s arm to help lead him to the couch. 

“I can go in my room.” Tokiya says, speaking carefully. His words blend together a bit. “Feel bad coming into your home drunk.”

“I wish you hadn’t tried to solve your problems with alcohol.” Ranmaru grumbles. “But it’s already done. We’re gonna move on and figure it out.” 

Tokiya’s already close to tears. He feels so guilty, and so sick. He really shouldn’t have drank. 

“What’s going on, Toki? Was it just a bad day?” Ren asks carefully, turning on the couch to face him. Tokiya realizes, with another pang of guilt, that Ranmaru had set Tokiya down in the seat Ranmaru had just been in. 

Tokiya cries. “I’m sorry.” 

“Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is soft. He sets his hand on Tokiya’s back. 

“No, you shouldn’t. I-” Tokiya sobs. He shouldn’t be saying this. He says it anyways. “You shouldn’t be so nice to me. I don’t deserve it. And everytime you’re nice to me I like you both more, and I shouldn’t like either of you because it isn’t fair to you and I’m sorry that I like you and I’m sorry if I just made you look at me different.” He stands, stumbling, trying to avoid Ranmaru and Ren who both reach for him. He’s not capable enough to avoid either of them, ending up with Ranmaru holding onto his arm and Ren holding onto his wrist. “I just want to go into my room and pretend like this didn’t happen. I’m sorry- maybe I should leave. I didn’t want to make it awkward.” His lip quivers. He’s sobbing, and his words are coming out fast and slurred. “I’m sorry to both of you. And God, after everything you’ve both done for me- I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He repeats with every sob, like a broken record. 

Tokiya isn’t looking at them. Tokiya can’t look at them. He doesn’t see the glance they exchange. He feels Ren pull him towards the couch, and Ranmaru push. He goes with them, sitting back down. He covers his face with his hands, hyperventilating.

“Breathe, Toki.” Ranmaru says, his voice calm and serious. Tokiya tries, but it’s still coming out in gasps. They wait for him to calm down to nothing more than hiccups.

“This is…” Ren’s voice sounds careful. “Something we should talk about more when you’re sober. But we aren’t going to look at you any differently, Toki. This isn’t something we’re going to hold against you, or be uncomfortable with, so please don’t panic or beat yourself up over this. You don’t need to be sorry for telling us how you feel.”

“But I-” Tokiya stops. He had dropped his hands to look at Ren when he talked but they’re covering his face again. His lip quivers. He feels himself shake. It alerts the two men, and Ren lays his hand on Tokiya’s back, worried. 

“You what?” Ranmaru asks. His voice is to the point, but it’s not harsh. 

“I’m bad luck.” The shaking has only increased. His voice sounds vulnerable. Sad. “What if you don’t like me anymore because I told you how I feel?” He presses the heel of his hand into his eyes, trying to stop crying. His voice is shaky. “I don’t want you two to leave.”

“Oh, honey.” Ren’s voice has a tone of something almost like horror. He wraps Tokiya in a tight hug. “We would never. You don’t have to worry about that, because we aren’t going to leave you, or dislike you.”

“You’re not bad luck, Toki. She was toxic, and she fucked you over. It wasn’t anything about you, or anything that you did.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost stern, reminding Tokiya. 

Tokiya lets out a choked sob. Ren’s arms are still tightly wrapped around Tokiya. Ren finally lets go when Tokiya has calmed down. 

“I want to go to bed.” Tokiya says softly. Almost like a child. He rubs at his eyes. 

“Alright. Will you leave your door open a bit? Just so we can check on you.” Ren rubs Tokiya’s back.

“You obviously drank a lot.” Ranmaru says gruffly.

Tokiya nods numbly. He stands, feeling Ren and Ranmaru watching him make his way to his room. He opens the door halfway, and he leaves it like that, collapsing on his bed fully clothed. He passes out.

He wakes up feeling sick, with a pounding headache. He lays there for a moment, feeling miserable, and then with some horror he begins to remember some of last night. 

He can’t remember exactly what he told them, but he knows he confessed. God knows what else he told them. How was he expected to face them now? Maybe they’d just act like he hadn’t said anything. 

He doesn’t really believe that, but it’s worth a shot. 

Tokiya finally crawls out of bed, and his stomach heaves, but he ignores it. His throat is dry, so his first task is to get water. 

Ren and Ranmaru are moving around. Tokiya looks at his wrist, checking his watch. It’s already one in the afternoon. Jesus. 

Tokiya heads to the kitchen, but he feels eyes on his back. They wait until he’s turned back around and is facing them to speak. 

“How are you feeling?” Ren asks, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Hungover.” Tokiya admits. His voice is scratchy from crying last night. “I’m sorry that you two had to deal with me last night. It won’t happen again.”

“We need to talk.” Ranmaru says. “But if you aren’t feelin’ well we can wait until you are.”

Tokiya had known they wouldn’t forget. 

Tokiya’s grip on the glass of water is tight. He thinks for a second. He doesn’t feel well, but he’s not going to feel well as long as he knows this conversation is going to happen. “Let me get some aspirin. Then we can talk.”

He’d deal with wanting to throw up. His anxiousness would make him want to throw up no matter what. The headache was something he could take care of first, though. 

“Do you have any or would you like some of ours?” Ren offers. 

Tokiya shakes his head. “I think I have some in my room. Thank you, though.” 

It felt casual. He’d head into his room, and would go into the bathroom. He considers changing, but it’s fine. He’d just take two of the white pills and down them. It takes two sips of water to get the pills down his throat. He’d look at himself in the mirror- he doesn’t look very good. It’s been a long time since he hasn’t looked like he was sick. His face was pale and thinner, and he usually had bags under his eyes, which always seemed duller. His hair was a mess, and it didn’t look very healthy, either. He’d sigh, heading out towards the living room. 

Ren and Ranmaru haven’t moved. Ren pats the couch next to him. Tokiya eyes the chair in the room, but he ends up moving to sit on the couch. He leans into it. He stills feels genuinely sick on top of being nervous. 

“Tokiya.” Ren starts, his voice soft. “How do you feel about us?”

Tokiya swallows. “I don’t remember what I told you last night. I’m guessing I confessed. It… was true. I do have… romantic feelings for both of you.” 

Ren nods. Ranmaru watches Tokiya. 

“Tokiya, we’ve… discussed this for quite some time.” Ren glances at Ranmaru. Ren seems nervous. “We haven’t brought it up until now because we weren’t sure if you were ready, and we didn’t want to rush anything or make you feel uncomfortable.” Ren sets his hand lightly on Tokiya’s knee. Tokiya doesn’t think he’s breathing. He’s just watching Ren closely. “We’ve both had feelings for you for…”

“A long time.” Ranmaru inputs, when Ren pauses. Ren gives a sheepish smile. 

“Yes. A long time. And… this isn’t something I had thought about until Ran and I had discussed it but… We had spoken about the types of relationships where there are more than two people.” Tokiya had never heard Ren hesitate so much. After all, Ren had always been well versed in the language of romance. Tokiya has an amused, idle thought about how Ren and Ranmaru had never officially come out to Tokiya as dating, but had assumed he knew. Tokiya guesses that this was direct confirmation. If them choosing to share a room wasn’t. And how often they were around each other, even before Tokiya moved in. “If you aren’t ready for a relationship, we’d never ask you to put yourself in one. But the offer I’m about to propose will be open to you for as long as you have feelings for us.”

“If you want to, we’re inviting you to join our relationship.” Ranmaru ends Ren’s speech for him. Ren nods. 

Tokiya blinks. This wasn’t how he had expected this conversation to go. Tokiya thinks for a moment. His voice is soft when he answers. He’s as honest as he can be. “I can’t say for certain how ready I am to get into another relationship. But I don’t know that I’m ever going to be ready. I… want this. I really, genuinely do. But I’m sure you both know that I’m still not… stable.” Tokiya glances away at that sentence. His chest constricts. Disappointed. “I want to try this, but I can’t without letting you know that I’m problematic. Though I’m sure you’re very familiar with that fact.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit dry on that last sentence. “I know you two know me. Better than I probably give you credit for. But I can’t help but be worried that you’re asking for more trouble than you think you are.” He bites his lip. 

Ren frowns, but it’s sympathetic. “Toki. We both know that you still have a lot you need to work through, and we’re familiar with some of your thoughts. Especially about yourself. But in a relationship or not in a relationship, we’re trying to slowly help you. You aren’t going to turn us away. I promise.”

“If you’re up for tryin’ this, we’re up for tryin’ this. Problems or not.” 

Tokiya blinks again. The tears coming to his eyes aren’t entirely unwelcome. He can’t remember the last time that he cried for any reason that wasn’t upset or angry. His chest felt warm. He’d nod. “Then-” His voice is a bit choked up. “Then I’d like to try this.”

The relationship moved very slowly. Ren and Ranmaru were careful to give Tokiya time to adjust to it. Ren was the most affectionate of the three, but it started off slowly as well. Ren would touch Tokiya’s upper arm more often. Place his hand on Tokiya’s back, or shoulder. He’d hug Tokiya more often. It’d progress further, the more Tokiya seemed comfortable with it. Ren would pet through his hair when they’d sit on the couch. He’d lean his head against Tokiya’s shoulder. He’d casually grab Tokiya’s hand around the apartment. He’d start pressing short, affectionate kisses against the back of it, slowly working up to placing them against Tokiya’s cheek, and forehead. They had been together for a while before Ren had really kissed Tokiya, and it was so soft, and careful. But Tokiya took it how Ren meant for him to- Ren was trying to care for him. To show Tokiya that he was cared for. 

Ranmaru showed his softer side to Tokiya far more often. Ren had usually been the one to check on Tokiya, and how Tokiya was holding up, but Ranmaru checked on him far more often, now. Tokiya hadn’t realized what he was missing, after Ranmaru had began giving him hugs. Ren’s hugs were gentle and comforting, but Ranmaru’s hugs were warm and protective, and Tokiya found himself very comfortable. He liked it when Ranmaru wrapped his arms around him. It made him feel safe and cared for. When they were on the couch, Ranmaru would often wrap an arm around Tokiya, and Tokiya would lean into Ranmaru’s side. Ranmaru was more direct than Ren was, usually, but Tokiya found that he was persistent, but patient. 

Tokiya also noticed that Ren and Ranmaru were more openly affectionate with each other as well. Tokiya couldn’t help but feel a bit responsible for them holding back. They did seem much happier when they didn’t have to hide it around the house. But Tokiya appreciated their side, too- at least now there was no feeling like a third wheel. Their affectionate gestures didn’t remind Tokiya that his feelings were wrong. 

It was some time after their relationship had begun when Tokiya had finally slept in the same bed as them. It was a nervous feeling, at first, and he’d have to get ready in his own room. But he’d slowly, cautiously, make his way into theirs. Ren would wrap his arms around Tokiya, nuzzling into his shoulder. 

“Don’t force yourself. If you’re uncomfortable, we can wait longer.” 

Tokiya would shake his head. “I don’t know that time will change anything. I want to do this.”

Despite Tokiya’s nervousness at first, being in the bed with Ren and Ranmaru brought a new kind of feeling. It felt right. It wasn’t the same as when he slept in the bed with her. Tokiya would take as little room as possible and if she stole the covers, she could have them. Tokiya wouldn’t fight her on it. She slept on her side, and he slept on his. They slept. 

Ren and Ranmaru let him sleep on the edge. They assured him that if he felt uncomfortable throughout the night, they wouldn’t hold it against him if he chose to sleep in his room. That doesn’t stop Ren, who takes his place in the middle, from wrapping an arm around Tokiya’s waist. It’s fairly loose, looser than Tokiya thinks Ren would like it to be, but it’s comforting, nonetheless. Ranmaru’s hand rests on Tokiya’s hip. He certainly doesn’t feel trapped. 

He doesn’t leave that night. Once he’s settled in, the uncertainty and nervousness is gone. He thinks that had he chosen to leave, his own bed would have felt empty and lonely. He liked being with Ren and Ranmaru. It felt close. It sent a warm feeling spreading through Tokiya’s chest, and the weight of Ren’s and Ranmaru’s hand helped him sleep. 

He’d wake up to Ren’s alarm, though Ranmaru would silence it after a few rings. Ren would nuzzle into Tokiya’s shoulder after Tokiya shifted. “How did you sleep?” Ren asks, his voice groggy. Tokiya’s eyes are still closed, but he sets his hand over Ren’s, on his stomach. 

“Good.” Tokiya’s voice is still tired. He stifles a yawn. “Really good.” He mumbles. 

Ren smiles. Tokiya doesn’t need to see Ren’s face to know he’s smiling. 

Ranmaru’s hand had fallen off of Tokiya during the night, but Tokiya feels Ranmaru reach over, resting it back onto Tokiya’s hip to squeeze lightly. 

Tokiya lets out a quiet, dramatic groan. “I don’t want to get up.”

Ren chuckles. “You don’t have to.”

Tokiya does hesitate for a second, and his voice takes on a softer tone. “But you two have to, and you’re the main reason I don’t want to get up.”

Ren’s grip on him tightens, pulling him closer. “Aww, baby.” Ren presses a soft kiss to the back of Tokiya’s neck. Ranmaru’s hand has moved, now that Tokiya is closer, resting right under Ren’s hand, on Tokiya’s stomach. “I hope that means you were comfortable, then. I’m glad that you’re still here with us.” Tokiya can feel Ren’s breath on the back of his neck as he talks. Tokiya doesn’t think he’s ever been in the little spoon position in his entire life. Tokiya likes it. “But I have tomorrow off, and Ran goes in late, so we can sleep in tomorrow. I promise.” 

Ranmaru grunts in agreement. Tokiya’s eyes have opened at this point, but Tokiya could imagine Ranmaru probably still looks like he’s asleep. Tokiya finds himself with a small smile, despite himself.

He had definitely been smiling more, after accepting Ren and Ranmaru’s offer. They still check on him often, but they both seem more relaxed regarding him. Tokiya felt like they thought he was doing better, and that made him happy. 

He often doubted Ranmaru when he had Tokiya he’d find someone else- but this is one time where Tokiya would openly admit that he’s glad he was wrong. 

Ranmaru is the first one to begrudgingly get up, and when Ren retracts his arm, Tokiya sits up, too. 

They get ready for work. Tokiya wanders around to find things to do. He’d have to find work, soon. It had been too long. 

Ranmaru kisses the top of Tokiya’s head, and Ren’s cheek before he leaves. He’s the first one gone. 

Ren leaves next, kissing Tokiya’s forehead. 

Tokiya sets about trying to tidy up the apartment. 

Tokiya was happy. Months had passed, and he was finally entirely comfortable in his relationship. He not only easily accepted and returned Ren and Ranmaru’s affections, but he initiated actions as well. He hated sleeping alone. 

They had been in a relationship for almost a year. Tokiya had been incredibly appreciative of how slowly they had been moving with the relationship. 

Tokiya would get a text. 

“When will you be home?” 

His grip tightens on his phone. He’s thrown back into almost a year and a half ago. He’s sitting on the couch in his now shared apartment, but in his mind he’s back on the bench on what was supposed to be his wedding day. 

Why was she texting him?

She had never reached out to him before. She was out of Tokiya’s life. 

Tokiya, against his better judgement, texted her back. Maybe if Ren or Ranmaru had been home, things would have gone differently. 

“I don’t live there anymore.”

“I want to meet up.”

“Why?”

“We need to talk.”

Tokiya is crying. He doesn’t have feelings for her anymore. Comparing his feelings for her as opposed to his feelings for Ren and Ranmaru were like night and day- but his love for her was like an obsession. A desperate attempt at love. The love wasn’t real, and it wasn’t there, but he felt the sparks of the obsession in his stomach. 

“Okay.”

“Will you meet me at our place in an hour?” 

Tokiya would hesitate. He knew the bookstore she was talking about. It was where they met. 

“I need to check something first. I’ll let you know.”

Tokiya calls Ren. 

Ren picks up, sounding surprised. Tokiya very rarely called Ren while he was working. “Is something wrong?”

Tokiya could hear noises, but they seemed to be fading. Ren must be walking away from the group. 

“She texted me.” Tokiya sounds breathless. It’s obvious that he’s been crying. “She’s saying that she wants to meet up to talk to me. I don’t know what to do.”

It’s quieter where Ren is now. Ren’s quiet as well, taking in what Tokiya said. His voice sounds almost strained when he speaks- trying not to show all of his emotions in his voice. Tokiya would imagine that there’s probably anger. “I’ll come back home. I can be there in ten minutes.”

Tokiya would normally insist that he didn’t need Ren to come home- but today his response is a simple, “Please.”

Tokiya can tell, despite himself, that his response has Ren worried. “I’ll be right there.” Ren quietly promises. 

It only takes about eight minutes. Tokiya is still in the same position on the couch, holding his phone. He isn’t sobbing, but the quiet tears have yet to stop. Ren wastes no time in heading to the couch, sitting down next to Tokiya. “Baby, look at me.” Ren’s hand moves to Tokiya’s chin, carefully tilting Tokiya’s head away from the phone and towards Ren. “Tell me how you’re feeling, honey.” Ren’s eyebrows are furrowed and Tokiya can tell he’s worried. 

Tokiya blinks, trying to blink away the tears but only succeeding in sending more down his cheeks. His voice is quiet and shaky. “I don’t know. I feel like I’m back where I was, but it’s not quite the same, either. I just- I think I want to meet her.” He admits. “I feel terrible about it, but I want answers.” His voice raises in pitch on his last sentence. His lip trembles. 

Ren’s hand moves to Tokiya’s cheek, and his voice is quiet. “Then let me come with you.”

The hand that isn’t clutching his phone raises, holding his hand over Ren’s. Tokiya swallows, but he nods, very slightly. “Okay.”

“When is she trying to meet you?”

“In about an hour. I haven’t given her a response yet. I called you first.”

Ren leans forward, placing his forehead against Tokiya’s. Tokiya’s eyes close, and he lets out an unsteady breath. Ren stays like that and Tokiya’s tense shoulders relax slightly, and his tears slow a bit, Ren’s thumb running over Tokiya’s cheek. Tokiya can feel Ren watching him. Ren doesn’t pull away until Tokiya’s significantly calmer than he had been. “Thank you for calling me.” Ren drops his hand down to Tokiya’s upper arm, squeezing it. “If you don’t think you can handle it, then I don’t think you should go. But if you want answers, I don’t want to stop you. But I do want to be there for you.”

“Thank you, Ren.” Tokiya says quietly. He glances at his phone. Tokiya texts out his response. 

“Alright. I’ll meet you.”

“Good. I’ll see you there at two.”

Tokiya sighs, muttering. “We should head there.” He was undeniably nervous. He was worried just to see her. 

Ren would grab Tokiya’s hand, interlacing their fingers and squeezing lightly. “It’ll be alright, Toki. I’ll be there the entire time. If things start going badly, I’ll make sure you get out of there.” 

Tokiya leans his head against Ren’s shoulder, squeezing Ren’s hand back. He already felt tired, but he didn’t regret his decision to call Ren. It takes them a minute to actually leave, as Ren lets Tokiya lead. Tokiya reluctantly lets go of Ren’s hand once they’re out the door. Ren gives Tokiya’s hand one last squeeze. 

Tokiya isn’t the first of the two there, though her eyes linger on Ren when they walk in. Ren’s face is careful and guarded. She turns her focus on Tokiya. She’s sitting. Tokiya takes some time before he finally sits down himself. Ren pulls up another chair, sitting besides Tokiya. 

“I think this is a conversation we should have alone, Ki.” Tokiya winces at the nickname. He preferred Toki. But he doesn’t think he’d prefer it from her. 

“Don’t mind me.” Ren’s voice is dry. “I’m fairly caught up on everything anyways. Someone had to be there for him when you weren’t.” 

Ren wasn’t normally the person to behave like this- but Tokiya doesn’t mind. He knows it comes from concern from Tokiya. Tokiya had considered calling Ranmaru as well as Ren- but he’d rather tell Ranmaru after. He knows that they were both incredibly angry at her, and Tokiya was alright with that, because he couldn’t be. Even though he knows that he should be.

“He’s here for me. I want him to stay.” Tokiya says quietly. His voice is monotone.

She sighs. “I’m sorry, Ki. I just wasn’t ready. I’m sorry that I hurt you, but I miss you, darling.”

A dark look flashes through Tokiya’s eyes. He’s been confused for over a year about how she should be feeling, and this is all making it worse. He’d never go back. 

He knows he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t do that to Ren or Ranmaru- not after all the time they’ve spent helping Tokiya get over her. Not after how happy they’ve made him. 

Ren stays entirely silent. Letting Tokiya form his own opinions. 

“You weren’t ready?” Tokiya echoes. “You planned the wedding. It was everything that you said you wanted.”

“We moved so fast.” Her eyebrows furrow. 

Tokiya feels a simmering anger in his stomach. “You wanted this. You told me you wanted this. You just left. Why are you back now? It’s been over a year.”

“I told you, Ki. I miss you.”

“You’re talking like you have any idea what you put me through.” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. He feels lost. His anger is enough to fuel his words, but his primary emotions are still confusion, and hurt. “If you knew what I had gone through, you wouldn’t be here lying to me like this.”

“I’m not lying. I’m here because I want to make things right.” Tokiya’s hands are on the table, and she tries to reach across to set her hand on top of one of his, but he pulls back his hands with a sharp jerk. 

“It’s been over a year.” Tokiya repeats. “Even if I were willing to give you a second chance, why should I believe that I could do anything that would be enough for you?” Tokiya swallows. This is the first time yet that he’s been close to crying in front of her. “I gave you everything. I gave up everything.” His voice is empty. 

“I wanted to give you time, Ki.” Her face looks hurt. 

Tokiya’s anger finally rises to the surface. Angry tears prick his eyes. His eyebrows lower over his darkening expression. “I’m glad that you did, because if I had chosen to take you back, it would’ve ruined my life again. You gave me the time I needed to see how wrong you were for me. I made a mistake, agreeing to talk to you. I expected honesty, and I don’t know why.” Tokiya pushes his chair back from the table, his jaw set. “I don’t plan to discuss this further. I’d tell you to move on, but I’m sure you already have. I have no idea why you’re trying to get back into my life now, but you’re over a year too late.” He leaves. Ren has stood up behind him, following him closely. Tokiya’s starting to cry. 

Ren pulls him out of the way, not far away from the cafe. They aren’t entirely out of eye sight, but they are in a bit more of a discreet area. Ren hugs him tightly, rubbing his back. 

“That was a mistake.” Tokiya says, his voice shaking. “I don’t know what I expected.”

“I know, Toki. I’m sorry.”

“I was over her. I am over her- I don’t know how she’s still doing this to me.” His voice sounds almost childlike. 

“She was a large part of your life, honey, and she hurt you. It’s natural that it would affect you.”

Tokiya stays quiet, holding onto Ren. 

When they get back home, Ranmaru is there. Tokiya hadn’t seen Ren update Ranmaru on the situation, but judging by Ranmaru’s cautious expression he must know. 

Ranmaru walks up to Tokiya, and he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. Tokiya had been close to Ren- perhaps just a bit closer than he should have been in public, but Ren didn’t really seem to care. 

Tokiya leaves Ren’s side, wrapping his arms around Ranmaru’s midsection and resting his head against Ranmaru’s chest. The tears hadn’t completely stopped, but they had slowed. Ranmaru’s arms wrap around Tokiya in return. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.” Tokiya apologizes, with a hiccup. 

That doesn’t seem to be what Ranmaru expected to hear. He rubs Tokiya’s back. His voice is serious. “You don’t need to be sorry. You told Ren. That’s a good thing. How are you holdin’ up?”

Tokiya clings to Ranmaru. “I wanted her to give me answers. She… she kept saying she was sorry and that she missed me, but she couldn’t have. If she cared about me she wouldn’t have even contacted me after not speaking with me for a year after she ditched our wedding.” His voice is the most bitter it had ever been when speaking about her. This was the first time that Tokiya was truly angry at her. He had felt wronged, and hurt, but the blame finally settled on her. “I thought for so long that it was my fault. I still think it might have been- but I don’t know what to think. I don’t know that she ever cared about me.” Tokiya holds onto Ranmaru tighter. Ren has come closer, to listen to Tokiya speak. Tokiya holds a hand out, the best that he can, towards Ren. Ren takes Tokiya’s hand into his own, and Tokiya holds onto it tightly. Tokiya’s voice is quiet. It’s less bitter. “But I’m starting to wonder what I felt for her, too. I can’t remember ever feeling anything as strong with her as what I feel with either of you.” 

Ren steps forward, resting his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder and wrapping his arm around Ranmaru to rest his hand on Tokiya’s back, in a type of half hug. His other hand still holds Tokiya’s. 

“I-” Tokiya’s voice is the softest it’s been yet. It’s vulnerable. Tokiya swallows hard, staring at Ranmaru’s bicep, and Ren’s arm right behind it. “Ren, Ran, I love you. Both of you. I really, genuinely love you.” 

He feels both Ren and Ranmaru’s grip tighten around him. 

Ranmaru lowers his head to press a kiss against Tokiya’s forehead. “I love you, too, Toki.” 

Ren’s hand moves, away from Tokiya’s back, to stroke Tokiya’s cheek. “I love you so much, baby.” 

Tokiya felt happy.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

Tokiya had become a bodyguard because he had known a friend who had gotten his foot in the door, and had managed to snag Tokiya a job working with idols. Tokiya had worked with a few celebrities, usually for events, and he wasn’t typically very close with them. 

But then he was assigned as a personal bodyguard to an individual idol, Ren Jinguji. 

Their relationship progressed quickly, discreetly, and unexpectedly. Especially because Tokiya quickly discovered that Ren was dating another idol- Ranmaru Kurosaki, a rocker type that was in a band called Quartet Night. 

Ranmaru’s first reaction to Tokiya was to look at Ren with a raised eyebrow. 

“This is your bodyguard? He’s smaller than you are.”

Tokiya just stood there, but Ren had chuckled and insisted that Tokiya was good at what he did. Ranmaru hadn’t seemed to believe him. 

Somehow, Tokiya had managed to win them both over. Of course, he spent most of his time with Ren, and quite a lot of time with Ranmaru, too. Ranmaru constantly teased Tokiya, but Tokiya didn’t take it to heart. Ranmaru liked messing with Tokiya, but it wasn’t ill-willed. 

Tokiya had caught Ren flirting with him, because Ren was a painfully obvious flirt. It was when Tokiya realized that Ranmaru was also flirting with him that he started looking into it more. It was when Ren had finally outright asked Tokiya what his opinion on a polyamourous relationship was that Tokiya really got the hint. 

Tokiya had spent a lot of time with Ren and Ranmaru. Tokiya had spent a lot of time with Ren. Both men were undeniably attractive, and even though Ren was a relentless flirt and Ranmaru’s favorite activity seemed to be messing with Tokiya, they were both good people. Ren was thoughtful and kind, and Ranmaru was observant and caring- even if it often came off a little rough most of the time. So of course Tokiya had gone with it, even if he was a little hesitant about a three person relationship. 

Particularly when two of the three were already well established with each other. There was a slight disconnect in Tokiya’s head, an assurance that he wasn’t an equal, but he never addressed it. 

Tokiya was six months into the relationship when he encountered his first real security threat. Tokiya would never not be glad that he noticed an unusual shape in one of the men’s pockets. The second he saw the man reach into his pocket, Tokiya grabbed Ren’s arm, getting his attention. When Tokiya saw that the item was metal, he pressed his free hand to the earpiece in his ear, and he’d make sure his voice was lowered. The other men on the event security team would move after he spoke. 

“There is a gun threat. Get Ren out and evacuate.” 

His voice was too low for Ren to catch, but Ren clearly knew something was wrong. Especially when two men surrounded him to lead him out. He’d look at Tokiya, but he’d follow the men, who would lead him away. Tokiya sees the man pull out the gun, aiming for Ren’s back- but Tokiya steps in the way. It’s too late to stop the man. Tokiya sees him pull the trigger. 

The bullet hits Tokiya. 

The sound causes everyone to panic. Tokiya turns, his eyes searching for Ren, and Ren seems to be trying to find Tokiya but the men have just pushed him out of the room. In the panic, Tokiya is being pushed around, the rest of the security trying to apprehend the shooter and get the crowd out of the area. Tokiya’s hand finds his way over his stomach, placing his hand over where the bullet had entered. His body feels numb, and he wants to move but he can’t. He feels himself being moved, his entire body in a state of shock. 

But he had done his job. Ren left the building, escorted by people hired to keep him safe. Tokiya wishes he was with Ren. After all, it was Tokiya’s responsibility to make sure he was okay. Tokiya pushes himself away from the people moving him, getting his legs to stumble forward. It hurts. But he pulls himself together. He looks around, but there isn’t much focus on him, so he feels safe when he slips out of the same door Ren left out of. He uses his ear piece to ask location, and he follows where they tell him. 

Tokiya is surprisingly calm. The pain is unlike anything he’s felt, but he’ll get medical attention once his job is done. He needs to check on Ren. There had been more than one bullet fired, and Tokiya had only blocked one. He trusted the other security men to take care of any other wounded. Tokiya wasn’t sure how badly he was injured, but he could move, so he hoped that was a good sign. He’d find Ren’s location, and feels a sense of relief that almost rivals the pain to see that Ren is fine. Panicked, but fine.

“Tokiya.” Ren breathes out, upon seeing Tokiya enter. Ren is in a fairly nondescript car, and Tokiya climbs into the car with him. It’s a three row van, and they’ve put Ren in the back. Tokiya takes a deep breath before forcing himself to climb into the back with Ren.

“Were you hit?” Tokiya asks seriously. His voice is extremely strained, which catches Ren’s attention. 

“I wasn’t. Toki-” Ren’s voice is uncertain. Almost afraid. “Were you?”

“There were several shots. I don’t know how many of them landed or how many people were hurt.” His voice is quiet. “But for now, we just need to get you out of the area. Everything else is being taken care of.” Tokiya is incredibly calm, but Ren narrows his eyes. 

“Tokiya.”

“Ren. My job is to keep you safe, and I take that seriously. Please let me do my job.” 

“If you’ve been hurt, your job is not your top priority, Tokiya.” 

Tokiya is in his all black uniform, the shirt too dark to see the blood from his wound. He can feel the bullet in his body, now that he’s sitting and can focus on the pain. 

“You’re my top priority right now, Ren, and I’m not fighting you on this right now.” Tokiya moves his attention to the others in the van. “We need to get out of here.” 

Tokiya gives them the location of the office, and the van begins to move, carefully, trying to avoid the commotion that’s still taking place. Ren is watching Tokiya. Tokiya relaxes against the seat. 

“You’re pale.” Ren comments. Tokiya sighs. 

“You’re my first priority.” Tokiya repeats, trying to keep the exhaustion out of his voice. 

“Were you shot, Tokiya?” Ren asks again. 

“Ren.” Tokiya can’t hide the exhaustion from his voice. “I appreciate your worry. But please let me do my job.”

“Your job isn’t to take a bullet for me, Tokiya.”

“My job is to protect you. I’ve told you, I take that seriously.”

“I’m technically your boss, Tokiya. I’m officially letting you off duty. Now tell me if you were hurt.” Tokiya gives Ren a long, tired look. Ren looks back at him with narrowed eyes. “I’ve released you from your shift. That means that if I have to personally check you over myself I will.”

Tokiya breathes out. He’s exhausted. More so, now. “Yes. I was hit.”

“Where?”

Tokiya hovers his hand over his stomach, and Ren doesn’t hesitate to carefully pull Tokiya’s shirt up, holding it away from the wound as he pulls it up. Tokiya still can’t help the wince. 

“Take us to the nearest hospital.” Ren demands, not glancing away from Tokiya’s stomach. The man in the driver’s seat gives an affirmative. The second man types in the new address. 

Tokiya glances down at his stomach. There’s a large patch of red, and most of it is fresh. The wound is still bleeding. 

“Why wouldn’t you just tell me you were hurt, Toki?” Ren’s voice is careful, but Tokiya can tell that Ren’s hands are shaking. Ren presses his palm flat against Tokiya’s stomach, over the wound, and then brings his other hand over it as well. 

Tokiya lets out a hiss of pain, but Ren doesn’t release pressure. Tokiya had taken a first aid class, so he understands why Ren is doing this. It doesn’t make it any less painful. He tries to breathe out an answer. “I had to make sure you were safe. I’m not dying.”

Ren’s voice is tight and strained. “You were shot, Tokiya. And the bullet is somewhere inside you right now, and I can only hope that it didn’t hit anything vital. I don’t even want to think this but you don’t know, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice breaks. “You’ve already lost too much blood.” 

The hospital isn’t far away. Tokiya has to climb back over the seats, and Ren can only help him. Tokiya insists on walking inside the emergency room, but the way they’re walking Ren can’t continue applying pressure on Tokiya’s wound. One of the security men would offer to walk Tokiya in, suggesting that Ren stay in the car, but Ren wouldn’t have it. 

The workers take Tokiya’s condition as seriously as Ren, and far more seriously than Tokiya. Very shortly after his condition is known, he’s put onto a stretcher and wheeled away, being informed that he’d be taken to emergency surgery. 

He isn’t awake for much longer, as they put a mask on him as soon as he’s wheeled into a room clearly designed for surgery. He’s told to count down to 100. He doesn’t get past ninety. 

Tokiya wakes up, still in fairly intense pain. It’s a bit less than it was when he was first shot, but it’s still bad. 

Ren is sitting in the room with him. Ren’s eyes are red, but it seems like he’s stopped crying some time ago. He seems relieved to see Tokiya looking at him. He sighs. 

“Thank God you’re awake. How are you feeling?”

“I’m sore, but I’m fine.”

Tokiya’s throat is dry. Ren would stand, taking a cup from Tokiya’s bedside. “It’s warm, but it’s something. Be careful drinking.”

Tokiya moves to sit up, and while he can push himself up, wincing at the pain in his stomach, he notices that only the top half of his body will move. He takes the cup of water, but as he drinks he tries to focus on moving either leg.

They won’t move.

Tokiya can’t lie. He’s afraid.

But he’s become accustomed to hiding things like that. Especially from Ren. How can you feel safe when the person supposed to be keeping you safe is afraid?

Tokiya sets the cup back down, laying himself back down. 

“Why, Tokiya?” Ren’s voice is quiet. “I’m sorry. I know you’ve only been awake for a few moments, but you took a bullet for me. You could have died.” His voice trembles slightly. Tokiya can only imagine that Ren had been thinking this for however long Tokiya had been out. “Please don’t say that it’s because of your job. I never wanted you to be hurt.”

“I’m sure that Ranmaru’s glad that you weren’t the one hurt.” Tokiya says. 

“Are you really?” Ren’s voice is dry. “Maybe we should ask him. He’ll be visiting soon.”

Tokiya sighs. “Alright.”

Ren drops the topic, for now. He still seems upset, but Tokiya can’t blame him. A lot had happened. He continues silently trying to move his legs but he can’t manage anything. 

About twenty minutes later, Ranmaru enters. His eyebrows furrow when he sees Tokiya. 

Tokiya wonders how much he knew. 

“Tell him what you told me, Tokiya.” Ren says quietly. 

Had Tokiya’s words really hit Ranmaru that hard.

Ranmaru looks at Ren first, and then at Tokiya. He seems to grasp that whatever is about to be said is going to be serious. 

Tokiya doesn’t agree. “I told Ren that I’m sure you were glad that he wasn’t the one injured.” 

Tokiya would agree with this. Better him than Ren. And it wasn’t as if he had died. 

If he didn’t regain movement in his legs, he’d figure it out. It wasn’t the end of the world. 

Tokiya isn’t sure Ren would allow him to continue his job, anyways, as much as that thought made Tokiya’s chest constrict. He liked protecting Ren. 

Ranmaru’s face has changed. His eyebrows have lowered and his face has darkened, and his eyes hold anger. 

“That sounds a little too much like you’re sayin’ everything’s fine because Ren is.”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying.” 

“Then you’re fucking wrong.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “I want you to think about how upset you think I’d be if Ren had been hurt.” Tokiya doesn’t necessarily want to picture it, but he can. Ranmaru would be devastated and worried. Angry, too, at whoever had hurt Ren. Livid. Scared. Tokiya frowns. He doesn’t like imagining it. “That’s how I feel right now.”

Tokiya feels a pang in his chest. 

“I can’t understand why you think I love Ren more than I love you, Tokiya, but you’re wrong. Ren’s pissed. I know he is, and it’s completely fair, because he’s worried sick about you, and you’re tryin’ to convince us that we shouldn’t care that you could’ve fucking died, Toki. Of course I’m happy that Ren’s okay, but I hate that came at the cost of you. You were out for two days. Ren and I decided that you’re done. We’d be more than happy to find you another job, but we’re not lettin’ you go back.” Ranmaru’s voice is final. “We aren’t going to lose you. I’m not letting it happen.”

Tokiya stays quiet for a long moment. When he finally speaks, it’s tired. “I don’t think that I could go back anyways. I can’t move my legs.”

Tokiya changed the subject. He had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of feelings about Ranmaru’s speech. He honestly wanted to cry. Ranmaru and Ren both knew what Tokiya was doing- but he changed it to such an alarming topic that they didn’t bring it back. 

“What?” Ren stands, moving towards Tokiya’s bed. His eyes are just a little too wide, and full of worry. “Have you been able to move them at all since you’ve woken up?”

Tokiya shakes his head. 

“I wish you would have told me. I’m going to go get a nurse or doctor.” Ren heads towards the door. 

Ranmaru’s jaw sets. He breathes out, closing his eyes for a second. His face softens. “Be honest with us, Tokiya. Please.”

Tokiya watches him with wary eyes. “I am.”

Ranmaru’s eyes open. He stares at Tokiya. Tokiya notices that both of his eyes are grey. He never put in his contact today. Ranmaru’s voice drops. “Then tell me to my face that you actually feel as calm as you’re acting.”

Tokiya stares back. He finally looks away, dropping eye contact.

“That’s what I thought.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “We have a lot to talk about. But I’m going to drop it for now. I want you to be honest with us when we talk about it.”

The nurse enters the room. 

Tokiya would have assumed it was the bullet, but he soon learns that the surgery hadn’t gone well, and that the bullet was close enough to his spinal column that they had gotten too close. They weren’t sure that Tokiya would walk again. 

Tokiya would have waited for Ren and Ranmaru to leave for the night, and he would have cried. 

Close to two weeks later he was being released. Ren had pulled the car up closer, and Ranmaru, accompanied by a nurse, would have wheeled Tokiya out of the hospital. Tokiya still couldn’t move his legs. 

Tokiya is more than willing to pull himself into the car, but Ranmaru lifts him before he’s close enough to start, and Ranmaru sets him into the backseat, before taking the wheelchair and putting it into the trunk of Ren’s car. Ren had asked the doctor’s opinion on wheelchairs, and had bought one for Tokiya, bringing it to the hospital. It was nicer than the hospital’s wheelchairs. Tokiya would have insisted that Ren didn’t need to do that. He’d offer to pay Ren back. Ren would have shaken his head and told Tokiya to not worry about it.

Ranmaru had climbed into the backseat with Tokiya.

The ride home was fairly quiet. Tokiya had been more withdrawn recently, which was difficult. Tokiya had an urge to lay his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder. He liked the proximity when Ranmaru had picked him up, even it had just been for a moment. 

Tokiya wanted to cry. 

Tokiya didn’t feel right initiating it, despite how badly he craved the intimacy now, and how lonely it felt in the hospital, even with Ren and Ranmaru spending a lot of time visiting. 

Not being able to walk was bothering him a lot more than he let on. He had always been a very independent person. 

Tokiya had his own apartment. That’s not where they’d bring him. 

He had stayed in Ren and Ranmaru’s apartment for nights in a row, but he technically still lived in his own home. 

They’d park in front of their apartment. Ren would get the wheelchair from the trunk and Ranmaru would get Tokiya. 

“I can pull myself on the chair.” Tokiya would say quietly when Ranmaru would open the door. 

“We’re not gonna make you do that.” Ranmaru sighs, picking Tokiya up. Tokiya doesn’t struggle. Ranmaru sets him down in the chair, and Ren pushes it. Tokiya doesn’t bring up that he can push it himself, but the thought does cross his mind. 

Ren pushes Tokiya inside, pushing him towards the couch. “Do you want to stay in the chair or would you like to move over to the couch?” Ren asks. 

“It’s fine. I can stay in the chair.” Tokiya probably would’ve chosen the couch, but he doesn’t want to make them move him again. If he decided he wanted to move, he’d just move himself. 

“You sure? Remember, Toki, we want you to be honest.” Ranmaru says, giving Tokiya a long look. 

Tokiya hesitates with his answer long enough for Ren to move, lifting him from the chair. He sets Tokiya on the couch. “Thanks.” He mumbles. 

“Of course.” 

Ren sits next to him on the couch. Ranmaru moves Tokiya’s wheelchair out of the way, and then sits on the loveseat in the living room. Both Ren and Ranmaru look at Tokiya. 

“We need to talk.” Ranmaru starts. 

“Tell us your thoughts, honey. You haven’t told us anything about how you’re feeling about this.”

Tokiya hesitates. He closes his eyes, ducking his head. It’s easiest to tell them when he’s not looking at them. “I don’t know how I’m feeling. I don’t know how to handle any of this. I feel guilty for not being able to do things by myself. I’m scared of what will happen if I can’t do something, and I’m scared because I know that this might be something that lasts forever. Loud noises have been sending me close to panic attacks, and I’m… afraid to rely on either of you. Because I met you both under the pretense of taking care of you, especially Ren, and I don’t feel right asking things of you. But right now I-” Tokiya hesitates, swallowing hard. He sets his head in his hands. He feels like a small child, but if he were to be entirely honest, he wanted a hug. It sounded stupid. But right now it was something that he wanted badly. The intimacy that he craved, and that he felt bad asking about. “I want to be close to both of you.” He settles on. “I’m just afraid that I shouldn’t. That I’m asking too much. You both have been very clear that you were upset that I was hurt, but it just feels like I haven’t shown either of you much of me not trying to act strong, and I don’t know how you’ll take it.” 

It took a long time to put his thoughts into words. His voice comes out slowly and carefully. 

Ren’s arms wrap around him tightly. Ren’s arms wrap around Tokiya’s shoulders, and he turns his head so that the side of his head is resting against the side of Tokiya’s. 

“We don’t want you to feel like you need to take care of yourself alone. It always bothered me that you seemed to take your job home with you. You don’t need to protect us at the cost of your own well being- and that includes emotionally as well. I love you, Toki. And Ranmaru loves you. We both love you so much. If you’re not feeling good, we don’t want you to pretend like you are. We want to take care of you, honey.”

“I hate that you’re hurt.” Ranmaru says bluntly. “But you did get hurt. There’s nothin’ I can do about that now. What I can do is help you. But you’ve gotta let us, Toki.”

“We really care about you, but we can only care for you as much as you’ll let us. When you hide what you’re feeling, we don’t know how to help.”

Tokiya’s lip quivers. He isn’t sure that he’s ever cried in front of them. He puts his hand over Ren’s arm that’s still around his shoulders. 

“I’m sorry. I still don’t feel right asking for your help. I’m useless.” Tears finally spill out of Tokiya’s eyes. “I know there are people that can’t walk and they’re incredibly successful, but that isn’t me. I don’t know how to function around it.” 

Ranmaru stands, walking over to Tokiya, leaning against the side of the couch. He pets through Tokiya’s hair. 

Tokiya is well and thoroughly upset, but he still wants them to stay close to him. He reaches for Ranmaru’s leg, his hand resting just above Ranmaru’s knee, holding onto him. 

“It’s going to take time, baby.” Ren says softly. “And until then we’re going to help you. You’ll learn. It’s going to be an adjustment.”

“I love you both.” Tokiya says quietly. 

Ren’s grip tightens for just a second, squeezing Tokiya. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too, Toki.” Ranmaru mumbles, brushing Tokiya’s bangs back away from his face. 

They stay on the couch for a while, and then finally Ranmaru starts to shift, and Tokiya’s grip tightens a bit, looking up at him. 

“Why don’t we move to the bed?” Ranmaru mumbles. 

“It’s easier.” Ren agrees, finally letting go of Tokiya. Ranmaru lifts him, and Tokiya hesitates for a second, but wraps his hands around Ranmaru’s neck. Ranmaru takes him into the bedroom, and carefully lies him down in the middle. Ranmaru gets in on one side of Tokiya, and when Ren enters the room behind them he takes the other side. Ranmaru lays on his back, and Tokiya uses Ranmaru’s chest as a pillow. Ranmaru’s arm rests on Tokiya’s forearm. Tokiya’s hand is over Ranmaru’s heart. Ren’s chest is pressed against Tokiya’s back, his arm resting carefully on Tokiya’s waist, being careful to avoid his healing wound. Tokiya feels warm. 

They’re quiet, just lying in bed together. 

Tokiya finds himself drifting off to sleep.


	16. Chapter 16

Tokiya had died nearly thirty years ago. He had moved into a new house and it had gotten broken into. It was supposed to be a simple robbery, but Tokiya had accidentally surprised them and he had gotten shot through the chest. 

The pain never really disappeared. He was never able to find out what had happened to the men that had killed him, and he was forced to remain, never being able to find peace. 

For the first ten years, he went through a depressive state. There were no signs of haunting in the house. For two years the house remained entirely empty, giving Tokiya plenty of time and quiet to mourn for himself. He didn’t want to be here, alone, scared and confused and always in pain. The pain never seemed to stop. 

A nice family lived in the house for the next eight years. Tokiya never bothered them, he’d just watch them live, happy. It was a nice middle aged couple with two adorable children, a wild ten year old girl and a sweet eight year old boy. Tokiya would often watch them play. 

Tokiya would often notice how genuinely happy the couple seemed to be. Their fights were short and resolved quickly. They were doting, and often did small, meaningful things for each other. Tokiya had never found love. He wishes that he had the chance. 

By the time they had moved it, Tokiya’s feelings had changed from desolate to angry. It wasn’t fair that Tokiya was stuck here while all of these people got to live their lives, find love, have children, work at jobs that they might have even been able to stand. Tokiya would kill to leave the house. Maybe even literally. And the pain that had grown unbearable only made him grow more and more bitter. He’d knock things over as he passed, and he’d slam doors behind him. He’d break things, and hide things. He’d show himself, standing at the end of the dark hallways, sending young kids into hysterics and scaring adults. Four families would move in and out during these years. 

It only took twenty years for Tokiya to give up. He’d be seen here and there, and sometimes he’d bump into something and knock it over. A very calm haunting. He was no longer livid. The house still would have been empty for five years, and the last five would have been another couple. Tokiya would have hid. He’s returned to wishing that he’d have someone, but he’s given up to the point that he’s not even wishful anymore. He’s not sad over it anymore. He’s empty. 

And then, thirty years later, a single man would move into the house. Tokiya would watch him move in boxes from a seat on the couch, his legs crossed underneath himself. The man was wearing glasses, a loose sweater and jeans so tight that he may as well have not been wearing pants at all. It was clear that he wasn’t wearing socks with his shoes, and his long orange hair was pulled up into a loose bun, though his bangs remained resting over his nose, curled under his eye. 

He was beautiful, Tokiya would decide. Gorgeous. He couldn’t remember the last time that someone so attractive had lived in his house.

The man would bring in boxes. A decent amount. More than Tokiya had, but not nearly as much as others had brought. It wouldn’t take long for all of the boxes to get inside, and then the man would order food and collapse on the couch, all of the boxes still stacked in the living room. 

Tokiya would watch the man live with more interest than he usually had in the house’s new residents. 

The man had a pretty voice. Tokiya enjoyed listening to him sing to himself, louder than he likely would have had he known that someone was watching. It would take nearly two weeks for the man to actually get unpacked, because he would usually spend twenty minutes emptying boxes when he needed to get into one to grab something and then would leave them until he needed something else. Eventually the boxes would move. 

Tokiya’s heart no longer beat, but he could easily imagine it fluttering when he looked at the lovely man- he would learn very quickly that the man’s name was Ren. Ren wore glasses most of the time when he was alone, but if he invited anyone over the glasses would go into a case and would get buried underneath some undershirts in a dresser drawer. 

One day Ren would hide the glasses before a friend would come over. Tokiya was familiar with this friend, because he often came over. His name was Masato. He was a quiet man with deep blue hair and a fair complexion. He often dressed up, in sweater vests and slacks, a stark contrast to Ren’s trendy style. They must have been friends for a very long time, because Ren hardly changed himself. He was nearly the same Ren when he was alone and when he was with Masato, which seemed to drive Masato crazy- but Masato did keep coming around. 

Tokiya would take the case from its hiding place, and he’d set it on the table, in the open. When Masato would walk in, he’d cock his head and make his way over to the case lying in the middle of the table, and Ren would watch him curiously, though Ren’s sapphire blue eyes would widen, and an unmissable bright red flush would spread over his cheeks as he’d rush forward to stop Masato.

“What are these?” Masato would ask in an accusatory tone, opening the glasses case to see that the glasses were, indeed, real. 

“They’re nothing.” Ren would answer smoothly, trying to snatch them back. 

“Why don’t you wear them? They’re prescription, aren’t they?”

“Do I seem the type to have fake glasses?”

“Yes. But they look real. And if they were fake, you’d probably wear them.”

Ren would huff, but Masato would open the glasses, slipping them onto Ren’s face. 

“Haven’t you complained before about headaches? If you wore these you’d have them less often.”

Ren would roll his eyes, good naturedly. “You don’t need to worry about my glasses, Masa. My sight isn’t that bad.”

“Really?” Masato doesn’t sound like he believes him. 

“I’ve gotten used to everything seeming blurry.”

“That’s not something you should get used to. I expect to see you wear the glasses more often.”

Ren would sigh, but he’d stop arguing. He had lost. 

Tokiya would smile, proud of himself. He had done something good. 

Tokiya would learn that Ren works with Masato. Ren was an idol. Tokiya wishes that he could listen to Ren’s actual recorded tracks, and see all of the work Ren was doing. Ren didn’t keep much of his own material around the house, unfortunately. 

But one day Ren would come home seeming incredibly upset. Tokiya would frown, tailing Ren around. Ren would make his way to his bedroom, mumbling under his breath. 

“More exercise. I’m already working harder than anyone else in the group. Haven’t heard the fans complain yet. What do they know?” Ren would lie down on his bed, still fully dressed, and he’d cry to himself. He’d take off his glasses and he’d wipe at his eyes. 

Tokiya would sit on the bed behind his back. He’d gently stroke through Ren’s hair. It wasn’t moving, but Ren would still. He’d glance behind himself, but he couldn’t see anything, so he’d relax back into his pillow. Tokiya wouldn’t stop, but Ren no longer seemed to care. His cries would turn into sniffles. Tokiya wishes he could properly comfort Ren, but if he appeared to Ren, Tokiya would scare him. So this was the best that he could do. 

Tokiya had fallen in love. 

What a shame that his love was alive. Ren hadn’t begun to suspect Tokiya yet, because Tokiya kept himself very lowkey. He didn’t want to make Ren afraid. He didn’t want Ren to move out. He didn’t want Ren to leave him. 

Tokiya would stand from the bed when Ren had fallen asleep, and he’d lean down, his cold lips ghosting across Ren’s forehead. Ren would stir, just barely, but would then fall back asleep. 

Tokiya had accidentally revealed himself. Sometimes it was difficult, knowing if he was actually appearing to the people in the house or if he really were invisible. 

It would be the hallway. Tokiya would have been wandering the house at night, and he wouldn’t have heard Ren get up and head into the hallway. Ren must have been heading to go down to the kitchen, perhaps for a drink, but he would have retreated into the room and exited holding a golf club. Tokiya would later recognize it as a modeling prop. Ren wasn’t the golfing type. 

Ren would hold the club firmly, and he’d turn on the light in the hallway. “Who’s there?” Ren is almost pressed against the wall. His eyes are narrowed and he’s on edge. He looks serious, but Tokiya can tell that he’s scared. Especially because there isn’t anyone in the hallway. Not anymore. Tokiya approaches Ren, though stays a bit of a distance away. Ren can’t see him anymore. Ren examines the upstairs, but he can’t find anything. 

But then Ren reaches the attic, and he notices that it isn’t entirely closed. Tokiya panics when Ren reaches for the string, and Tokiya heads downstairs, as quickly as he can. There’s a loud crash downstairs when he throws down a pan. He hears Ren still- not that Ren was particularly noisy as it was. Tokiya sees Ren slowly make his way downstairs, and Tokiya feels terrible when he sees the look of fear on Ren’s face. Tokiya had no choice. Ren investigates downstairs, but there is nothing to be found. 

Ren doesn’t sleep that night. Tokiya stays with him, silently apologizing. Ren is none the wiser. 

Tokiya has to distract Ren multiple more times, because now Ren is intent on checking out the attic. Even more so every time that Tokiya manages to draw his attention away from it. 

And then one day, Ren brings in a physic. Tokiya is panicking. 

What if they force Tokiya out of the house? Where would he go? He doesn’t want to leave Ren. 

“I think there might be someone here.” Ren says, his voice quiet. “I haven’t felt in danger but- it’s still a bit… scary. I feel a bit crazy, too.”

“I took some time to look into the history of your house, and it seems that nearly thirty to forty years ago there was a murder here. There is a possibility that the spirit never moved on.”

Ren would nod. 

The psychic would pull out all of the stops, and Ren seems awfully unsure about a lot of what she’s pulling. Was Ren really that desperate? Tokiya hoped that Ren wasn’t that intent on getting rid of him. He hadn’t done anything that bad, had he?

The physic pulled out a bundle of herbs, and started burning it. Sage. 

Tokiya would walk forward, cupping the flame with his hands. It hurt a bit, but Tokiya was used to pain. The flame would die out. Tokiya could see alarm on the physics face, and she’d move to her next parlor trick- trying to communicate with Tokiya. Tokiya would roll his eyes. When the physic would convince Ren to hold her hand, Tokiya would set his hand on top of Ren’s. Ren’s eyes would focus on where he could feel Tokiya’s hand, but he doesn’t see anything. Tokiya would pull back his hand, but Ren’s eyes don’t leave the area.

The physic does the next dumbest thing that she could do. She reaches into her bag, and she pulls out a ouija board. Tokiya would scowl.

This is when Tokiya would start to get annoyed. If it weren’t Tokiya- if Tokiya didn’t learn to care for Ren- things could have gone so badly for him because she clearly didn’t know what she was doing. This was an opening, if Tokiya remembered correctly. He wouldn’t take it, because he doesn’t want to hurt Ren. He doesn’t want to scare Ren. But he was extremely annoyed at how this woman was putting Ren at so much risk. Tokiya hoped that she wasn’t making Ren pay too much for this bullshit.

Ren is extremely hesitant to use the board, but she convinces him. 

“Is anyone there?” 

Tokiya would roll his eyes and move the planchette to yes. He would have pulled it harshly, but he didn’t want to scare Ren. 

This woman was incredibly lucky that Ren was there. 

“Are you friendly?”

Tokiya was going to have some fun. 

‘P-E-R-H-A-P-S’

“Perhaps?” Ren would mumble. “Maybe we shouldn’t continue…”

“But it’s responding.” The woman seems excited. Clearly she was a fake. This made Tokiya angrier. 

‘M-A-K-E H-E-R L-E-A-V-E’

“Make her leave.” Ren mumbles under his breath. He’d look at the physic, and he does look scared, though he’s trying to hide it. “We should say goodbye, and then I think you should leave.”

The woman looks a bit aggravated. Before she can think to argue, Tokiya spells another word. 

‘N-O-W’

“Goodbye.” Ren says, staring at the woman. 

“Goodbye.” She murmurs, and Tokiya drags the planchette to’Goodbye’. Tokiya was glad that Ren knew that rule, even though Tokiya wouldn’t take advantage of it. Not that Tokiya really needed to. He could interact with things as it was, so it didn’t matter that much, anyways. 

Ren would see to it that the woman left, but when she would move to grab the board, Tokiya would set both of his hands down on it, not letting her budge it. 

“I’ll reimburse you.” Ren says quietly. “Or return it later. For now, I’d just like you to leave your house. For your safety as well as my own. Thank you for your help.” Tokiya would shut the door before Ren could close it himself. Ren looks openly afraid now that he’s alone. He would give the ouija board a large berth, but Tokiya would go near it, moving the planchette in a circle to get Ren’s attention. Ren walks closer, unsure. 

Tokiya could tell that he didn’t know all of the rules of the board, and he didn’t remember the woman ever telling him. Ren’s hand is uncertain, almost shaky, but he’d slowly reach towards the planchette. 

‘D-O-N-T’

Ren’s hand would quickly pull back. 

‘J-U-S-T T-A-L-K’

“I- One second, please.” Ren’s voice is a bit shaky, but he’d move about in the kitchen, moving rapidly. Desperately. And then he’d disappear from the room and come back with a notepad and a pen. He’d sit across the table from Tokiya, not touching the board. 

He’d hesitate, and then he’s speak. “What is your name?”

‘T-O-K-I-Y-A’

Ren would write the letters as they’re spelled. Smart. Tokiya is glad that he shouldn’t need to respell anything. 

“Are… you a… kind spirit?” Ren’s voice is strained. He isn’t sure how to ask that question. 

Tokiya moves to yes. Ren doesn’t quite seem relaxed yet, but the fear doesn’t increase. That’s a start. 

“How long have you been here?” 

‘3-0 Y-E-A-R-S’

“Jesus.” Ren says under his breath. He then back tracks, “Er- sorry.”

Tokiya looks at him fondly. That was cute. 

‘N-O-T A D-E-M-O-N’ 

‘I-T-S F-I-N-E’

Ren would give an exhausted smile. There is some amusement. 

“So… if you’re a friendly spirit… do you plan to hurt me?”

Tokiya moves to no. Quickly. 

“Why did you want her to leave?”

‘S-H-E W-A-S A-N I-D-I-O-T’

Ren gives another tired, amused smile. “That doesn’t quite answer my question. What did she do wrong?”

‘S-H-E W-A-S D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S’

A longer spin around the circle. Tokiya would give short spins for spaces and long spins for separate thoughts. 

‘I-G-N-O-R-A-N-T’

Another long spin. 

‘S-H-E C-O-U-L-D H-A-V-E K-I-L-L-E-D Y-O-U I-F I W-A-S-N-T M-E’

Ren would stay silent for a long time. “And why don’t you want to kill me?”

‘I-M A V-I-C-T-I-M’

Long circle. 

‘N-O-T A K-I-L-L-E-R’

And Tokiya likes him. Tokiya would keep that to himself. Tokiya is sitting down at this point. He likes this. He likes having a conversation with Ren. 

Tokiya is crying. It’s soft, but Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, staring down at the paper. He’d look up, and his eyes would land on where Tokiya was sitting in the chair. 

“I- I think I can hear you. If… You’re the only one here.”

‘I A-M’

Tokiya would purse his lips. 

“Were… were you crying?” Ren’s voice is so careful. 

Tokiya takes a minute, but he would move to yes. He didn’t want to make Ren think that he was angry. He didn’t want Ren to be afraid. 

“Why?” Ren’s voice is soft. 

‘I H-A-V-E-N-T T-A-L-K-E-D T-O A-N-Y-O-N-E I-N A L-O-N-G T-I-M-E’ 

Ren’s entire face softens. Tokiya only begins to cry harder. 

He really didn’t want Ren to leave. 

‘I-M S-O-R-R-Y I-F Y-O-U-R-E A-F-R-A-I-D’

“If you’re being honest.” Ren says quietly. “Then I’m not. Have you… been here the entire time?”

‘Y-E-S’

“Then I’m inclined to believe you.” There had been a bit of a pause before this as Ren thinks. “Because I’ve lasted this long.”

The doorbell rings, and Ren’s head snaps up. When he looks back at the board, the planchette has moved to ‘Goodbye’.

The doorbell had only been a telemarketer, but the conversation was done, for that day. 

They would speak often. Almost every day, though often times the talks were shorts. Some days, however, they were long. Hours, even. Ren had gone through three notebooks, writing down Tokiya’s answers. 

It was fair, though, because Tokiya would, at times, answer in paragraphs. Tokiya often had a lot to say, and it was so nice to have someone to listen, and Ren seemed happy to let Tokiya speak. Or… write, Tokiya guesses. It didn’t matter. It was so nice to communicate. 

Tokiya can’t read Ren’s mind, but he believes that Ren thinks that the only way the two can communicate is through the board. Tokiya knows that’s not true, but he’s worried to show himself to Ren. Ren can imagine Tokiya in anyway that Ren wants if Tokiya doesn’t reveal himself. 

That didn’t last long. Tokiya would be sitting on the couch near Ren as Ren watched TV. Ren has no idea that Tokiya is with him, but that’s fine. Tokiya is glad that he stuck near, because the door would slam open. Ren would jump, moving further back on the couch, away from the door. 

Tokiya doesn’t recognize these people, but he still gets flashbacks. The pain in his chest would flare, the pain becoming almost unbearable. But he can’t allow himself to freeze up, because the men have turned to Ren before they could look around the house. 

They must have thought that Ren was out. Now that Tokiya thinks about it, Ren usually is out around this time. Luckily the men’s weapons are all close combat weapons. One of the three are holding a knife, another a crowbar and the last one is holding a metal bat. Tokiya’s relief at the absence of a gun is short lived, because the three men are heading towards Ren. Ren is trying to find a way out of the situation, but the only way out is through them. 

Tokiya can choose how he appears. He doesn’t have many options, but one that he didn’t often use was the appearance of how he looked when he died. He didn’t like the feelings associated, and he didn’t like the appearance itself, but it was scary. It was the scariest appearance that he had. 

He’d appear, standing in front of Ren. Ren didn’t get the full sight. All Ren would be able to see was the blood staining the back of Tokiya’s shirt. The three men, however, would get a different look at him. Tokiya’s face is hollow, pale and sunken in. Almost bruised. You could almost see into the hole in his chest. See the muscles, and almost some bone. His eyes were blank, empty. The blood was spread across his shirt, and around his mouth. As the men stare, Tokiya brings up his hands, and he forcibly pries his chest open from the bullet’s entrance wound. 

This pain was unbearable. As his skin split apart from his chest, showing his still heart and the white bones of his ribcage, and the layers of skin and muscle that were separating from the bone, he felt all of it. But his original appearance wasn’t frightening enough to make them run, and if he wanted to protect Ren, he needed them to leave. 

Two of them would. The man with the knife is the first out, and the man with the crowbar is next, though he had dropped his weapon out of fear. The man with the bat stays, swinging it at Tokiya. Tokiya disappears. He felt the hit, but he wasn’t strong enough to stop it. He’d force his way through the pain, but he’d show up again, behind the man. His pale hand would wrap around the man’s neck- Tokiya couldn’t hurt him, but the man would be able to feel a faint touch against his neck. Cold around the area Tokiya touched. Unfortunately, this left Tokiya’s face visible to Ren, but his torn open chest was hidden behind the man. Tokiya would whisper in the man’s ear. 

“You’ve made a mistake.” The man panics, clawing at Tokiya’s hands, breaking away and running. Tokiya would disappear from sight before Ren could get a good look at him. 

Tokiya didn’t want to scare Ren, but he didn’t want Ren to be hurt. He didn’t want Ren to join him in the afterlife. He loved Ren, and that meant wanting the best for him. He would love nothing more than to have Ren for himself, but Tokiya knows that isn’t what’s best for Ren.

Ren needs to live. Ren needs to find another human to love and spend the rest of his life with, and he needs to have a family and live to an old age where he’ll peacefully pass and move on. 

He doesn’t need to die in this house and live in constant pain with no company but Tokiya. 

Ren is pressed against the couch. He hasn’t moved from the spot he had been cornered in. He’d slowly move, and he’d lean forward on the couch. Tokiya can’t read Ren’s face- his eyes are too wide. Awed. Is he fearful? Intrigued? Unbelieving?

“Toki…?”

It had been some time since Ren had asked permission to call Tokiya by a nickname. Tokiya wasn’t surprised to hear it. 

Tokiya doesn’t appear. He doesn’t know if he should. Ren’s voice has a tone of shock to it. 

“I heard you. I saw you. Is that… is that hard to do? Is that why we talk through the board?” Ren clearly has quite a few questions. He’d shake his head. ‘You… saved my life, didn’t you?” Ren’s face has changed. His eyes are still wide. Almost child-like. There’s a bit of fear reflected there, but Tokiya doesn’t know if it’s directed at him. “Thank you. If you hadn’t helped me, I’d be dead.” There is a long moment of hesitation. “Can I… Can I see you again…?” He sounds unsure. 

Tokiya swallows. He’s still in immense pain, but appearing wasn’t that difficult. He would take a moment to make sure that his appearance wasn’t the same one that he had shown the men. It would be of him- of his memory of himself. There’s something off about him- his eyes are a bit too dull and his skin a bit too pale. He certainly does seem like a ghost of himself, but it’s him. He doesn’t appear hurt, and his face isn’t dead. 

Ren would watch him with a curious, intrigued expression. He would stay silent, taking Tokiya in. There isn’t any obvious fear on Ren’s face, which would surprise Tokiya. Ren’s voice is so quiet. “I can’t say that I knew this is how you’d look, but it fits.” Ren gives a small smile. “Your looks and your personality certainly match.”

“I hope that’s a good thing.” Tokiya mumbles. His voice is always quiet. If he gets too loud, it turns more into a shriek. Something painful to listen to. 

Ren blinks, but he regains himself. “Of course it is.” He seems to hesitate again. “If you don’t mind my asking… if you can… speak, and appear- why have we been speaking through the board?”

“I’ve been trying not to scare you.” That wasn’t the full reason, but that wasn’t a lie. “I thought it would be easier for you to not see me.”

“I see. Well… now that I’ve seen you, I do hope we can keep talking like this. Unless it’s difficult for you.”

Tokiya would give a slight smile, but it’s dry and matches his voice. “I would have to imagine that it’s no more difficult than following all of the sentences on the board.”

“It took some practice.” Ren’s smile would return. “I would certainly like to stop transcribing our conversations. But if that’s the price I have to pay to talk to you, I’ll pay it.”

Tokiya’s heart doesn’t beat, but if it did, Ren probably would have heard it pounding from his spot a few feet away on the couch. Tokiya reminds himself that Ren doesn’t mean it like that- but Tokiya doesn’t think that he cares how Ren means it. Ren wants to speak to him, and Ren wants to continue speaking to him. It’s been so many years. 

They do continue their conversations, but Tokiya now appears to Ren when they speak. They speak verbally, no more notebooks, no more planchettes. Tokiya would tell Ren that he hadn’t seen any other spirits or ghosts in the house, but would still recommend that Ren get rid of the board, now that they weren’t using it. 

Better safe than sorry. 

Ren had switched the locks on his doors, to make it safer. 

Ren would have seemed incredibly serious one day, and Tokiya would have been almost nervous to appear. He still would have, however, because Ren had made it clear that he was looking for Tokiya. 

“Toki, I’d like to talk to you about a sensitive subject.”

Tokiya would definitely feel nervous now. “Alright. What is it?”

“Why are you stuck here? Is it a choice, or are you actually stuck?”

Tokiya would tense a bit. He knows Ren well enough to not be offended by Ren’s question. He cared too much about Ren to get angry over it. So… he’d answer. “I was killed. Until I find peace, I’ll remain here, where I died.”

“How would you find peace?”

“I never learned what happened to the robbers that had killed me. If I learned, and was happy with what I found, I think I’d be able to leave.”

“Do… do you want to leave? I… perhaps I could help. I could look into it for you, if you want?”

Tokiya’s eyes would widen. He’d look away from Ren. The ache in his chest would become evident, more so than usual, but it isn’t entirely his death wound. Tokiya knew that he could cry- he spent the first ten years often in tears. But lately, he hadn’t cried. He would now, however. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you, Toki.”

Tokiya would shake his head. “No, no. I’m… touched, Ren. I really am. Your offer means a lot to me but… I don’t think I want to know. Not right now.” 

Tokiya doesn’t want to leave Ren. He wants to watch over Ren until Ren is happy, and until Ren leaves this house. He’d like to watch over Ren longer, but Tokiya knows that he can’t leave this house. 

“If you’re sure.” Ren says quietly. “I just hope you aren’t miserable.”

“I was. For a very long time. But it’s been so long since I’ve had a friend- I’d like to enjoy it for a while, while I can.”

Ren’s face softens. He nods. 

Tokiya looks away from him for a second, and then swallows. “Ren, I’d like you to follow me.”

“Alright.” Ren looks curious, but he follows Tokiya. Tokiya leads him to the attic, and recollection flashes in Ren’s eyes. 

“You were the one keeping me away from the attic, weren’t you?”

Tokiya would nod. “There are things in there that still belong to me. Things that were never found. I’d like to show you them now, though.” 

Ren looks surprised. Tokiya manages to pull down the string, but it only moves a bit. Ren slowly reaches up, pulling the string down for Tokiya and lowering the ladder to the attic. Tokiya climbs up first, and Ren follows behind him. Ren takes out his phone, and Tokiya waits for him to shine his flashlight before leading him to a corner of the attic. After a second of focus, he moves a square of the floor, waving Ren off when he offers to help. A long time ago, Tokiya had managed to bring some items here to hide them, back when he was stronger. He didn’t torment Ren much, so his ability to manipulate things in the real world had weakened somewhat. 

Inside of the hole was a book, a slip of paper, and a photograph. It really wasn’t much, but when people were trying to put all of your things in bags to take them away, it was hard to sneak off with anything. Ren would move, to look into the hole, though he moves the flashlight just a bit to avoid shining it directly at the old photograph. 

“I’d pick them up and bring them downstairs myself, but I’m not sure I’d be able to hold them for long enough.” Tokiya would say quietly. If they still had the board, Tokiya isn’t sure if he’d even be able to use that right now. He knew that he wasn’t close to leaving- that was obvious. He didn’t have any problems appearing or being heard, so maybe he was strengthening one thing at the cost of another. “But if you want a better look at them, you can pick them up. It’d probably be easier to bring them down and look at them in the light. Not that they’re anything exciting.”

Ren would be careful in picking up the items. He would slip his phone in his pocket, the flashlight still on, and he’d be gentle with all three objects. They didn’t hold up nearly as well as Tokiya did. The book was in the best shape, though it was curled and yellowed at the edges, just like the paper. The photograph was worse. 

There had been leaks in this house, and at points it was very humid. Tokiya is surprised the items were in as good of a shape as they were. 

Ren would take them downstairs, being especially careful going down the ladder. He’d close it with one hand when Tokiya was down with him, and then he’d make his way to the kitchen, waiting for Tokiya. He’d have turned off his flashlight as he sat at the dining table. He’d look down at the items, and Tokiya almost feels self conscious. 

“I’ve always been an avid reader. That book had always been my favorite. I believe I first read it when I was a child.” Tokiya would smile a bit, though it’s sad. He wishes he could read it again. “The paper is my father’s address. He left my mother and I sometime before I died, and that was all that he had left me. I… never went. The last one, the photograph, is my mother and I. It isn’t a great picture. I think I was around the age of fourteen or fifteen when it was taken.”

Ren is very quiet as he looks over the objects in front of him. He handles them all with a gentleness that makes Tokiya’s eyes soften. “Thank you for showing me these, Toki.”

“It was nice to see them again.” Tokiya’s voice is just above a whisper. Even softer than it usually is. “I haven’t been up there in a very long time.”

“I’ll put them back if you’d like me to, but I don’t mind putting them somewhere else, if you don’t want them hidden away.”

If Tokiya hadn’t fallen head over heels for Ren before they had even spoken, he’d have fallen now. Even before then- Ren had always been kind to Tokiya, despite everything. Thoughtful. If Tokiya ever only got to speak to one human, he’s glad that it was Ren. 

“Thank you. I… wouldn’t mind having them not hid away.” 

Ren would smile at Tokiya. Tokiya liked Ren’s smiles. He wishes that he had met Ren in a different life. Or at least a life, one where Tokiya was alive. 

Ren would take some time, but would eventually place the items carefully next to some of the decorative items on a shelf. 

“Won’t some of your friends think it’s strange?”

Ren would shrug. “Let them. This was your house first.”

Tokiya would shake his head, but he was appreciative. He knew that Ren knew that. 

One day Ren would have come home late, and he would have entered, carrying a bag from a bookstore. Tokiya would look over curiously. 

“I was curious about the book you had, so I went and I bought myself a copy to read.” Tokiya would blink. 

“You could have just read mine.”

Ren would chuckle. “I appreciate the offer, but I’d hate if something were to happen to it. I’m not sure if this is something you’re into, but if you’d like, I could read the book aloud.” He’d offer. 

Tokiya would give a slight smile himself. “I’d appreciate that.”

For the next two weeks after Ren’s job, they would sit together on Ren’s bed after dinner and Ren would read the book out loud and Tokiya would listen. 

Sometimes the look Ren would give Tokiya would make Tokiya sad. 

Tokiya thinks that Ren may feel the same way Tokiya feels about Ren- but Tokiya isn’t alive. He’d love to be with Ren, but it isn’t fair to him. Tokiya can hardly even touch Ren. On the few cases that he had, Ren had described it as a concentrated breeze. The feeling of pressure but not quite the feeling of a touch. 

If Tokiya really tried, he thinks he could hurt someone. But he wasn’t going to test that out on Ren. 

One day Tokiya wouldn’t have shown himself to Ren. The entire day he had been in so much pain that he hadn’t been able to move. He was curled on the couch, his hand over his chest. At this point, it was taking extra effort to hide, his body so used to being visible that it had started to come naturally. 

When Ren came home, at first he wouldn’t have questioned anything. But a few minutes after Tokiya hadn’t shown up, or said anything, Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. His voice is quiet as he calls out Tokiya’s name. 

“Toki?”

Ren gets quiet, and a look that Tokiya can’t quite read flashes over Ren’s face. It’s sad, and maybe a little scared- but also just a tad bit hopeful. 

“Were you able to leave?” He’d ask quietly, into what he seems to assume is an empty house. 

How could Tokiya not answer that? Ren didn’t seem glad at the prospect. He seemed… sad. 

It would send a different kind of pain through Tokiya’s chest. 

Tokiya lets himself be seen, but he still can’t sit up. “I wasn’t.” Tokiya’s voice is strained. “And even if I were to leave, I’d find a way to tell you goodbye.”

Ren’s face softens, and then becomes concerned at the expression that Tokiya can’t quite hide from his face, and the way his hand is gripping his chest. Tokiya’s face isn’t sunken in, but he can’t hide the wound over his chest right now. It’s appearing despite how hard he’s trying to keep it hidden. 

Ren would move to crouch besides the couch, looking almost frustrated and helpless. He clearly wants to help Tokiya, but he can’t figure out how. “What’s going on, Toki?”

“It happens sometimes. I’m just… dealing with the pain from my death.” Tokiya’s voice is pained. He can’t hide it. 

“Is there anything I can do?” Ren’s hand is hesitant, but it moves, setting over Tokiya’s shoulder. Tokiya is shocked to feel it. It isn’t quite the same- but it feels warm, and it feels heavy, and it feels comforting. It’s a wonderful feeling, one that Tokiya didn’t even know he could feel. 

Tokiya blinks away the tears beginning to form. “Could-” He feels embarrassed just asking the question. “Would you leave your hand there? Just for a moment?”

“Of course.” If Ren is judging Tokiya for his request, he doesn’t show it. Tokiya expects Ren to pull away after a moment, but Ren moves to a more comfortable seated position by the couch, his hand remaining on Tokiya’s shoulder. Tokiya wonders what it feels like to Ren. Tokiya closes his eyes, trying to focus on the feeling of Ren’s touch rather than the intense pain spreading through his chest. 

Ren seems to have an idea. “Toki, do you think you could sit up?” Tokiya tries, and he manages it, but it’s harder. Harder, because Ren’s hand moves when he does. But Tokiya sits up, leaning heavily against the back of the couch. Tokiya breathes, though he’s sure he doesn’t need to. It’s a habit. But his breathing is hard, and his chest is visibly moving with the short breaths. Ren sits down on the couch next to Tokiya, and he slowly and carefully wraps his arm around Tokiya’s shoulders. Tokiya doesn’t have it in him to fight, because it’s so warm. Tokiya didn’t realize how cold he always was until he wasn’t anymore. Tokiya leans into Ren. Ren doesn’t seem to be having much trouble holding his arm against Tokiya, so Tokiya’s body must be giving Ren some resistance to set his arm on. Tokiya is surprised. It’s even easier to ignore the pain now, surrounded by Ren. His eyes close. The pain had exhausted him. 

This isn’t the last time that Tokiya is in pain. That time had been the worst, but there are still days where Tokiya has to sit down and not move, because moving only seems to make it worse. On these days, Tokiya has stopped hiding from Ren, and Ren would come in, set down his things, and he’d go move over to Tokiya, sitting down close and wrapping his arm around Tokiya. 

If anything, Ren’s touch had only started to feel more and more real. 

It went the other way, too. Ren was just a tad bit less openly upset now. He doesn’t react the way that he did when he believed himself to be alone. But on the days where Ren would come in and cry himself to sleep. Every time Tokiya would sit behind him on his bed, running his fingers through Ren’s hair. 

Ren would later tell him that he had begun to actually feel Tokiya’s touch, too. That it felt less like a gust of wind and more like someone actually touching him, just very lightly. 

One day, Tokiya would have been very quiet. 

“This isn’t right.” Tokiya would finally bring up. “And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have spoken to you in the first place.”

Ren would blink, his eyebrows furrowing. “What do you mean, Toki? What’s not right?”

“We shouldn’t be interacting. We shouldn’t be… friends.” Or anything more. The line had blurred recently. “I’m dead, and you’re not. You should be spending your time with people that are more like you, Ren.”

“I don’t see what the problem is.” Ren had slowly gotten less and less worried about angering or upsetting Tokiya. He was still polite, when it came to the topic of Tokiya’s death. He often tried to avoid it- but when he had something to say, he’d no longer seem unsure if he should or not. Tokiya had said that he didn’t want Ren to be afraid of him. “We may not be able to go out to do anything- but from what I’ve heard, you were lonely and bored before we began talking. And I like talking to you. You may be dead, but you still have a personality. I like who you are, and that’s why I like spending time with you. So we’re both getting something out of this. I don’t regret it.”

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. But Tokiya would have a hard time arguing against it. Especially because it was too late. He couldn’t just… unintroduce himself to Ren. 

Ren would stare at Tokiya for a long moment, but whatever he was going to say wouldn’t come out. 

That was the last of that. Tokiya still seemed to hold his beliefs, but Ren stuck firmly to his own. 

Ren had gotten older, though he had never moved out of that house. Tokiya knew for a fact that Ren felt the same about Tokiya, but Tokiya wouldn’t bring it up, and he wouldn’t let Ren. He worried that Ren would get too hung up on Tokiya to look at others- but he couldn’t bring himself to try to get Ren to move out, either. He would miss Ren. 

And then came the fateful day came. Ren had seemed healthy- until he had set his hand over his chest, his heart glazing. 

Ren seemed awful young for a heart attack, Tokiya thought. Tokiya couldn’t use the phone. His voice didn’t come across it right. At best, the police would think it was a prank call. So the only thing Tokiya could try to do was help, but he had no idea how to handle a heart attack. 

Ren had stood up, and the best Tokiya could do was try to bring him a phone. It would work, but only barely- but Ren was too far gone to be able to call for help. His eyes looked glazed over and distant already. Tokiya would do the only thing he could think to do- CPR. He didn’t think that it would help, but what else could he do? He was afraid. It had been a long time since he had felt truly and properly afraid. He couldn’t press down hard enough on Ren’s chest. 

And then, all of a sudden, he could.

Tokiya could feel Ren’s chest depress underneath his hands, but then he’d feel a hand lift, hold onto his wrist. It was soft, and tight. It wasn’t warm, not anymore, but it felt real. Tokiya couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched him. Tokiya would be crying. 

“I’m sorry, Ren. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop this.”

Ren’s face is clearly pained. When he sits up, he still looks like himself. The exact same as the him that’s currently beneath him. Tokiya doesn’t want to move him, but he wants to get Ren away from… himself. It wasn’t nice, seeing your own body. So Tokiya would pull Ren up, pulling him out of the room. When Ren would turn his head to look behind him, Tokiya would turn Ren’s head away. He’d bring Ren to the living room, to set him on the couch. 

Ren’s hand is still wrapped around Tokiya’s wrist. 

“I’m dead?” Ren would ask quietly. 

Tokiya has forced himself to stop crying, but there are still tears on his cheeks. He’d nod. “I’m sorry.”

Ren would lean forward, wincing, and he’d run his thumb across Tokiya’s cheek, wiping away the tears. He stays quiet. 

Tokiya keeps Ren away from Ren’s body. He moves Ren upstairs when Masato drops by, entering the apartment out of concern. Ren cries, then. Tokiya tries to comfort him. 

Ren is visibly upset, still. And still trying to work through the physical pain. Masato has left, and the police have come through. “Toki.” Ren’s voice is tight. “What was it like for you? When you were first… adjusting.” 

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow, but he’d finally share this part of his life with Ren. He knew what Ren was going through, and Tokiya was glad that he would be there for Ren. Tokiya never had anyone for him. Figuring it all out alone wasn’t fun.

“I died in a bit of a different way.” Tokiya’s voice is very quiet. “Because I was killed. But I… wasn’t found for weeks. I was only found because I had stopped paying bills, and my rent was late. I didn’t have to deal with seeing the reactions of the people that found me, because the police were the one that took my body.”

“So you had to live with your body? Is that why you wouldn’t let me look?” Ren’s voice is soft.

Tokiya nods. “There’s… something else you should know Ren.” Tokiya is doing his best to show none of his own opinions. “I can’t leave. I haven’t found any type of resolution. But you… you aren’t a vengeful spirit. You don’t need closure, or revenge. You don’t have to stay here, or be in pain.” Selfishly, Tokiya wants Ren to stay with him. He doesn’t want to be alone again. Especially now that he and Ren are on the same existence plane. But he loves Ren. He doesn’t want Ren to live miserable and in pain and stuck inside of the house. It wouldn’t be fair to not tell Ren that he could end it all, and he could go somewhere better. He didn’t need to stay. 

“But you can’t move on.” Ren would say softly. “I don’t want to leave you alone.” 

Tokiya smiles at Ren. He smiles, even though he wants to cry. He brings his hand up to Ren’s cheek, brushing his thumb across Ren’s cheekbone. “Thank you, Ren. But I’ve been by myself before. I could never ask you to stay here for me.”

“You told me before what it was like for you being alone.” Ren says, his voice almost childlike. “That you were sad, and angry, and how you had given up. You told me how glad you were to have someone to talk to, because of how long it had been. I can’t leave you, knowing that you’d be stuck here alone again. I don’t know what you were like before we met, but I’d like to believe that you seem… at least a little happy right now. And I care about you. And I know you’re telling me to leave because you care about me, too. But I can deal with the pain. I’m going to stay. I want to stay with you.” Ren’s hand raises, over Tokiya’s. 

Tokiya’s crying now. He’d move forward, wrapping his arms around Ren, and Ren returns the hug, holding Tokiya tightly. 

Tokiya had never been able to hug Ren before. It was nice. Indescribably so. 

It would only be a month of adjusting before Ren and Tokiya would have the conversation they had both been thinking about for years. 

It would be Ren who had started it. 

“Toki, I think we should talk.”

This was not the first time that Ren had tried to start this conversation, but this was the first time that Tokiya didn’t stop him. 

He’d look at Ren for a long time, and his voice would be quiet when he asked. “Are you sure about this, Ren?”

“Incredibly.” 

“...Then alright. We can talk about this.”

Ren would sit down on the couch, pulling a leg underneath him and sitting parallel to the cushions, facing Tokiya. Tokiya would sit the same way, pulling both of his legs underneath him, crossing them. 

“I like you, Tokiya.” Ren would say. “I really like you. I have for quite a while.”

Tokiya’s voice is just over a whisper. “I like you, too, Ren. I’ve liked you for almost as long as I’ve known you.”

Ren would move forward, setting his hand on Tokiya’s cheek and pressing his forehead to Tokiya’s. He just stays there for a long moment. Tokiya finds himself closing his eyes. He’s not leaning closer, as there really isn’t anywhere for him to lean, but he definitely isn’t pulling away. 

“This… is very soon. Much too soon, but I want to say it anyways.”Tokiya’s voice is no louder than it was. “But I love you. I don’t know when I started loving you, but I do.”

“It’s okay, Tokiya.” Ren would give a crooked smile. Tokiya’s breath hitches at the sight. “I think that I love you, too.”

Tokiya would kiss Ren. He would have never imagined that he’d be the one to initiate their first kiss, and yet here they were. Ren would take over the kiss fairly quickly, but Tokiya had made the first move. Mostly.

Tokiya’s hand would find Ren’s shirt and hold on. Ren’s hand hasn’t left Tokiya’s cheek. The kiss lasts a long time, as neither of them need to pull back to breathe. That doesn’t keep Tokiya from breathing heavily when they both finally pull back. Tokiya would move forward, tucking his head into the crook of Ren’s neck, and Ren would wrap his arms around Tokiya.

Tokiya had never been able to experience this. There are a lot of things that he wishes he could change about the moment, but Ren isn’t one of them. He could put aside the fact that they’re sitting in a nearly empty house, and that they’re both in the location of their own deaths, and the fact that neither of them are alive right now- and he could only put it aside because it was Ren. Because he had found his soulmate. Ren was the person he was supposed to be with, and against all odds, it had actually come true. 

Tokiya had wished for love, and he had found it. At least he would get to experience it. 

And he does. Tokiya was never unhappy with Ren, and Ren seemed to take his situation better with Tokiya there. For a long time, it was only Ren and Tokiya, and Tokiya was fine with that. 

And then a pair of friends would move in. Two girls, around college age. 

Tokiya had an idea, but he’d be hesitant to bring it up. He’s afraid. Afraid that he’s going to lose Ren if he goes through with it, but unable to not tell Ren about it because Ren deserves a say in it. 

So Tokiya would approach Ren at night while the girls would sleep. They had been staying mostly up in the attic, especially because the cold and dark didn’t bother either of them. Not anymore. “Ren?”

“Hmm?” Ren would hum, playing with Tokiya’s hair. Tokiya’s head would lay in his lap. 

“If you weren’t worried about me, would you want to leave?”

“I told you that I’m not leaving without you, Tokiya.” Ren says sternly. His hands have stilled, but he hasn’t pulled them away from Tokiya’s head. 

“Think of the question as theoretical, Ren. If nothing was keeping you here, would you want to leave?”

Ren would sigh heavily.”I… yes. I’ll say it again, and I’ll say it a thousand times. I will not leave you here. But if you could come with me, I would want to leave.”

Tokiya would close his eyes. 

“Why are you asking now, Toki?”

Tokiya would stay silent for another few moments. “I think I know a way to leave.”

“Really?” Ren’s voice is shocked. 

“There’s one of the girls, she’s addicted to horror movies. I saw witchcraft books and spirit mediums. I think that if I reached out to her, she’d listen. I think I could get her to look up what happened to the men who killed me.”

“If that’s all it would take, why didn’t you ever want me to help you?”

“I didn’t want to leave you. And… I’m scared.” Tokiya would admit. “Because it isn’t as simple as knowing what happened. ...If they were never caught, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to move on. Or if they were caught and released. If it went badly, I’m stuck here forever. And if it went bad… I think I’d rather not know.”

“I could ask her for you.” Ren would offer quietly. “I couldn’t lie to you- but I might be able to soften the blow, if it isn’t what you want to hear.”

Tokiya considers for a long moment, and he speaks slowly when he talks. “I think I’d like it if you were just there with me. If I can’t move on, it’s going to be hard. But it would be harder if I, for lack of a better phrase, lost it after hearing the news. I haven’t talked much about the time in my life when I was an angry spirit, but I’ve come very close to hurting people during it. I don’t know how I’d continue on if I did hurt someone. Or if I killed someone.” Tokiya would flinch. “Especially over something like this. I just don’t know how I’d take the news.”

“Of course I’ll be there for you. I’d never let you do something like that. I know you well, Tokiya. I’ve learned a lot about you over the years we’ve known each other, and I know that you aren’t that person. I can only imagine how you’d take it, and I wouldn’t want to see you go through that.” Ren pushes Tokiya gently, sitting him up. Tokiya gets to a sitting position before Ren wraps his hands around Tokiya’s waist, maneuvering him so that Tokiya winds up sitting on Ren’s lap. Ren then pulls him closer to his chest, and Tokiya presses his head against Ren’s chest, just below his throat. Ren’s chin rests on Tokiya’s head. “I love you, Toki. And even if you can’t move on, I want you to know that I’m not resigning myself to staying here. As long as I’m with you, I’m happy. And I’m not lying when I saw that. 

“I still wish that you could have lived a full life, Ren.” Tokiya says, his sigh nearly inaudible. “I’m happy when I’m with you. I love you as well. So much. But I just wish you could have had better.”

“I wish the same for you, Tokiya. I wish that you and I could have met under different circumstances. But when it gets down to it- we met. You made me happy when I was alive, and you helped me handle it when I wasn’t. It’s a very morbid way to be brought together, but perhaps this is what was supposed to happen. Maybe this is our fate.”

Tokiya would close his eyes. “Maybe.” He’d relent. 

“I hope you remember that you’re not responsible for all of this, honey. There isn’t anything that you could have done to change any of this. So please don’t beat yourself up for this. If you don’t blame me, you can’t blame yourself.”

Tokiya’s hand raises. He pets through the ends of Ren’s hair. His eyes haven’t opened. “Thank you, for saying that, Ren.”

“It’s all the truth, Toki.”

Tokiya would give a tired smile. 

Tokiya puts the plan in action the next day. Ren stays close. 

Tokiya does some basic haunting things while the girl is alone in the house, in her room. The door opens, and closes. And opens. Her stuff begins moving. Things that won’t break get thrown down, off of shelves. Tokiya feels like a cat. 

“Hello?” The girl’s voice holds poorly concealed fear. 

“Hello?” It’s almost like an echo. Tokiya’s voice becomes softer and lighter when he isn’t visible. Especially after so long of not speaking or appearing.

“W-what do you want?” Her voice would stutter. She seems to be torn between being petrified and being excited. This was exactly what she wanted, after all. 

“Help.” It’s another echoing whisper. 

“How can I help you…?”

Tokiya would finally appear. He doesn’t do the worst appearance that he has, the one where he’s so obviously dead, but he chooses an appearance in between. He looks scary, his face dark, bruised, sunken in and pale. His eyes are empty, cloudy. There isn’t blood, and there isn’t a wound. He just looks like a ghost. He keeps some distance from her. 

He says two names aloud. 

Once he’s said them, he adds. “Look them up.” 

His voice is still quiet. His appearance is almost see through and it’s taking some focus to hold. 

She seems shaken up, but she quickly looks them up. She reads the information she’s finding out loud, under her breath. “Brought in for a murder thirty years ago, the murder was forty years ago. Tokiya Ichinose…? He was shot in his home.” She reads louder, when she gets to more about the men. “They pleaded not guilty, even though they were offered a plea deal. The jury found them guilty. Verdict of life in jail, and it looks like they’re still there.” 

Tokiya is quiet, even as she turns around. He feels Ren squeeze his arm. “Thank… you.” His voice is soft as he fades from view. Ren leads him out of the room. If she says anything else, Tokiya doesn’t catch it. There’s so much going on inside of him. 

He’s relieved, that he isn’t going to be stuck. He’s angry- how dare they pretend that they didn’t murder him in cold blood? And it took ten years after his death for anything to have been done? But they had gotten lifetime behind bars. That meant something. It meant that they were brought to justice. Ren is leading him to the attic. Tokiya is glad that he doesn’t have to stay here, but he’s afraid now. What if he moves on and Ren isn’t there?

Ren would pull Tokiya into a tight hug when they’re alone. 

“Just because you know doesn’t mean that you have to rush into leaving, Toki. If you aren’t ready, we can wait. We can wait as long as you need.”

Tokiya would cry. Tokiya would sob. Once he has calmed down enough, he’d nuzzle into Ren’s shoulder. “Thank you, Ren. That really does mean a lot.” 

Ren would duck his head, kissing the top of Tokiya’s head. His hand has raised, petting through the hair on the back of Tokiya’s head. 

“I love you, Ren.”

“I love you, too, Toki.”

It would only be a day later when Tokiya would make direct eye contact with Ren, swallow hard, and say, “I’m ready.”

“Are you sure?” Ren’s face is serious. 

“I am.”

“Alright.” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. He’d lean forward, and he’d kiss Tokiya softly. 

They both had an idea of how to leave. Tokiya was afraid. Petrified. It wouldn’t be worth it if Ren wasn’t there on the other side. He doesn’t want to show that, because he knows that Ren doesn’t want to be stuck here. 

Tokiya had considered before the possibility of tricking Ren. Of telling Ren that he could move on, and then just letting Ren leave, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. And he knew that Ren wouldn’t be happy. But now, Tokiya could actually move on. It didn’t make it easier. It had been over forty years. 

Ren would take Tokiya’s hand, and he’d smile, squeezing Tokiya’s hand. Ren is nervous. Tokiya can see it in his eyes. “I’ll see you on the other side.”

Tokiya squeezes back, and he nods. 

They both close their eyes and focus. Tokiya focuses on the decision to leave, and he feels his surroundings move, though his body stays still. It feels bright, and he feels his body leave the plane of existence. He feels the pain that he had lived with lessen. 

When he opens his eyes, he immediately notices that he doesn’t feel Ren’s hand in his. His lip trembles, but he looks around at the house he’s in. 

It looks like his dream home. The place he had pictured when he had thought about what it would be like to have a partner, and live together in a house that wasn’t too big and wasn’t too small. 

Tokiya hears a noise upstairs. He’s sitting in the living room, but he stands on unsteady feet. He has to appreciate the lack of pain, even though it’s hard, because his chest is constricting anyways. He goes upstairs. 

He sees Ren’s back before he sees Ren’s face. Tokiya guesses that means that it technically could have meant that it wasn’t Ren- but the hair, pulled back into a messy bun, and the stature, Ren’s body, looked the same even from behind. And Tokiya would launch himself at Ren, the only warning being Ren’s name, said in a breath. Ren’s head would turn, and Tokiya notices that he’s wearing his glasses. Tokiya hadn’t seen Ren wear his glasses since he had been alive. Ren turns in Tokiya’s arms, despite how tight that Tokiya’s grip was, and Ren wraps his arms around Tokiya in return. 

Tokiya is crying, but they’re happy tears. “We’re here. We really made it.” Tokiya nuzzles into Ren’s shoulder. He can’t remember the last time he was this happy. There was no pain. He was with Ren. If Tokiya wasn’t in pain, that must mean that Ren wasn’t either, right? Ren certainly didn’t seem to be in pain. Tokiya was overjoyed. This was perfect.

“I promised you we’d be together, didn’t I?” Tokiya can hear the smile in Ren’s voice. 

Tokiya would look up at Ren’s face. He can feel his heart flutter. Was it beating again? He’d smile, the widest smile that he had given in over forty years. 

“I love you.”

Ren’s beautiful sapphire blue eyes are soft, as he gives a wide smile back, and he pressed his lips against Tokiya’s forehead. “I love you, too.”


	17. Chapter 17

It had been years since Ranmaru had left the crew that he had been in with Tokiya. 

Tokiya had been hurt, and Tokiya had been angry, and Tokiya hadn’t been able to let it go. 

Ranmaru had left, but had destroyed most of their things when he had gone. Tokiya wasn’t the leader, or even second in command of the pirate crew, and even Tokiya knew that they were particularly violent, even for pirates. But after Ranmaru, everything had fallen apart and Tokiya hadn’t forgiven Ranmaru. 

Tokiya had lost everything when Ranmaru left. The rest of the crew had disbanded now that they had lost Ranmaru and their supplies, and Tokiya wasn’t sure how many of them were living different lives and how many were dead. Without the ship, the items or his crewmates, Tokiya really had nothing. With that behind him, he spent most of his time trying to find Ranmaru. 

As far as Tokiya was concerned, the only way that Ranmaru could pay for what he had done was with his life.

He had left Tokiya after all, and had left Tokiya nothing.

Tokiya had gotten in luck because his attention had been drawn to another pirate- an attractive man with orange colored hair. While his attention had been caught by that man, it would soon turn to the pirate with him. 

Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would have followed for a distance, but he would catch the ship that they’d climb on. He’d get on just before it had taken off, finding a spot where he could hide. He always carried two weapons on him- a whip and a sword. He’d hide for almost an entire day, until the ship stopped again and he heard noises below the deck where Tokiya was hiding. He’d pull his sword and carefully reveal himself, landing himself behind Ranmaru who seemed to be checking elsewhere. Perhaps he had suspected the stowaway. 

Ranmaru would turn quickly, sensing someone behind him, pulling his dagger. 

Ranmaru’s eyes would narrow, and Tokiya would attack. Despite Tokiya having a sword and Ranmaru only a dagger, Ranmaru fought well with the small blade. It didn’t help that both men knew each other’s fighting style well, but Tokiya would quickly get annoyed. He was fighting to injure, if not kill, but Ranmaru would only block him. Ranmaru was trying to leave underneath the deck, trying to run. 

The orange haired pirate, the captain, Tokiya assumed, would come below deck after hearing the noises of the fight, but at this point Ranmaru has backed up enough to begin to escape. Tokiya wasn’t going to just let him, and would take out his whip, cracking it in Ranmaru’s direction, landing on his shoulder. Ranmaru’s teeth would grit, but he wouldn’t stop trying to leave. Tokiya wasn’t willing to kill Ranmaru while Ranmaru’s back was turned, because he wanted to kill Ranmaru face to face. The captain would place himself between Tokiya and Ranmaru, and Tokiya’s grip would tighten on the whip, his face angry. 

“Why are you trying to attack him?” The captain was incredibly calm for the situation. 

Tokiya doesn’t understand why Ranmaru is running, but he answers the captain, his voice a snap. “He’s a traitor. Once a traitor, always a traitor. It’s only a matter of time before he turns on you, too.” He scowls. Tokiya hesitates, realizing what had happened. Ranmaru was gone, back on deck. “Damn it. I just want Ranmaru, and then I’ll leave. I don’t care about you or your crew.”

“Ran is part of my crew.” The captain says calmly, and he pulls out his sword as Tokiya pulls out his. 

Tokiya is extremely annoyed when the captain fights the same way that Ranmaru does- holding Tokiya off as he backs away. It causes Tokiya to attack quicker and harder, but the captain wasn’t easily predictable, but he was quick enough to continue blocking Tokiya and Tokiya was only getting less and less precise the angrier he got. The captain would end up backing up into a group of his crew, and Tokiya realizes that Ranmaru must have brought them down. When Tokiya was faced with five people against him, he’d still try to fight his way out but he’d ultimately lose. 

Tokiya’s weapons would be taken and he would be led to an area where they would make a makeshift cage. This clearly wasn’t a ship that often saw prisoners. 

Tokiya would sit on the ground, leaning against the wall of the ship, seething. This would have gone fine if he had been faster with fighting Ranmaru. If he had stopped him from running or he hadn’t let himself get distracted by the captain. How had he gotten so distracted?

Eventually the captain would come to speak to Tokiya, and he’d sit down outside of the cage, staying quiet for a few seconds. 

“Is there anything that I can say to make you stop trying to kill Ranmaru?”

Tokiya would scowl. This wasn’t the first time he had attacked Ranmaru, but this was the first time he had gotten completely stopped and captured. He hated it. 

“He ruined my family. The crew was all I had, and he left and he took everything with it.”

“Why do you think that’s his fault?”

“Everything was fine until he left. I’ve got nothing anymore.” Tokiya’s glare has turned to the floor. It was true. Trying to kill Ranmaru was the last thing he had- and when that was done he wasn’t sure what he would be left with. 

“...Why don’t you join our crew, then?”

Tokiya’s glare lifts again to the captain. 

“What’s the catch?”

The captain would give a dry smile. “The only catch is that you have to stop trying to kill Ranmaru.”

Tokiya scowls. He hesitates, trying to phrase his next question correctly. He’d finally settle on the question. “What do you feel about Ranmaru?”

The captain pauses, trying to figure out the question. It doesn’t keep him from answering it. “I care about him, of course. Quite a lot. Why do you ask?”

“There it is.” His tone is dry. “You can’t like me. You met me trying to kill Ranmaru. Is he really that important? That you’re willing to put someone on your crew that you don’t even like just to keep him alive?”

“I’m not fond of every aspect of you.” The captain would admit. “But I’ve heard Ranmaru talk about you.”

“I can’t imagine it’s anything good.”

“You’d be surprised.”

Tokiya would scowl. “You may as well as kill me. That’s the only way I’m going to stop trying.”

The captain would sigh. “If you say so.”

Ranmaru must have been likable, because Tokiya would be visited by a few other crew members. He would have been called names, and threatened. There would have been one time where he had been pacing around the cell when one of the pirates would have approached it. Tokiya sees the hand reach through the bar, but he doesn’t bother to step away from it and he gets slammed into the bars. He can feel the hit resonate in his head. He can tell it will bruise. 

It’s nothing new. 

“Hope that the captain puts you down, dog. You never should’a come ‘ere.”

The captain would come down a day later, frowning when he takes in Tokiya’s face. “I’ll remind the crew that they aren’t to come down here. This shouldn’t have happened.”

Tokiya scowls. “What does it matter?”

“You may be a prisoner here, but that doesn’t mean that we have any right to treat you any less than a human.” The captain’s voice is smooth and calm. 

Tokiya would stay quiet for a very long time. “This is why you’re ridiculous for inviting me to join your crew, despite the fact that most of your crew hates me anyways. I still don’t really believe that any pirate can be a… good pirate. But even if you’re really as high and mighty as you talk like you are, I’m not. I like what I do. I steal, and I kill, and I hurt people and I’m not going to stop.”

The captain would sigh a bit, but his face would hardly change. “Then we can release you. I’d just like you to stop targeting Ranmaru. You don’t have to be a part of my crew.”

Tokiya would get very quiet. 

The captain would eventually leave. Only two days later the captain would return, and his voice would be quiet. “We’re moving you onto another ship. You’ll only be there for a few days to give us some time to get a head start, and then their captain is going to release you. What you choose to do then is up to you.”

Tokiya doesn’t respond. He doesn’t care. 

Ranmaru had found a new family. It was with this crew, and this captain. He didn’t find that he hated the captain. Even his hatred for Ranmaru, if hatred was ever the right word, wasn’t easy to bring up. 

Tokiya had nothing, and that was all that he had been thinking about. 

His family was gone. Maybe the times weren’t always great, and the ‘fun’ wasn’t necessarily right, but he didn’t have a ship, or a crew, or a home. Without chasing Ranmaru he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. 

Only a bit later the captain would lead him out, crossing him to another ship. The captain of the other ship is a tall, blonde man with a sharp expression. The orange haired captain would lead Tokiya down to the cells of the new ship- this ship obviously had seen a fair share of captives. 

Tokiya would have hardly been visited during his days on this ship. Not until his last day when the blonde captain would have come down. 

“Ren wanted me to release you. I think it has been long enough.” There is another man with the captain, likely his second hand man. The other man was pretty, with dark blue hair. He didn’t look like a pirate at first glance, but his eyes were hard and wary. Ren must have been the orange haired captain. “So where would you like me to leave you? Do you know the location of your ship?”

Tokiya would shake his head. For all he cared he could go jump off of the ship and swim himself as far as he could. “The closest land mass.” He didn’t care if it were even populated or not. 

The captain would stay quiet for a moment, but he’d nod. “Masato will release you when we arrive.” The captain would leave, and the other man, Masato, would stay only a second longer before heading off himself. Tokiya would hardly move from his seat on the floor of the ship. 

At least none of the crew came down to degrade him. He was hardly spoken to on this ship. 

Masato would come down to open the cell when the ship seemed to have stopped sailing. Tokiya would push himself to a standing position and would walk out numbly. He could hardly feel his legs, but that wasn’t important. 

“Tokiya.” The captain would call his name just before he had climbed off of the ship. He’d turn in time to see and catch a small, black leather bag. He’d glance into it to see a fair amount of gold coins, but the captain has returned to his quarters before Tokiya can say anything. Good. He wouldn’t be sure what to say anyways. 

Tokiya’s first stop would be the tavern in the town he had landed in. 

That’s where he would spend the next week. He’d spend most of the day and a large part of the night drinking, wasting the absurd amount of money he had been given. He’d spend the rest of the time sleeping in alleyways on the street. 

This was where he planned to die. He’d drink himself halfway to death until he ran out of money and he’d settle down on the streets to waste away. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure what he felt about how he had lived up until this point, but he had nothing left. Maybe he could have done something with himself with the money he had been given, but what was the point? Sure, he could have perhaps gotten back on the seas but he didn’t want to be alone. Why would he want to be his own crew? He had no one else to go with him. 

It’s just a bit past a week when he notices two familiar faces. Tokiya has gotten through a large portion of the gold coins, and when he had seen the two walk up he had been leaning against the wall of a building. They would approach him, standing above Tokiya, and Tokiya would just look up tiredly at Ren and Ranmaru. 

Tokiya wouldn’t attack. Tokiya wouldn’t move. He’d simply stare. 

Ren would crouch down to be on the same level as Tokiya. 

“We’d like to invite you again to join our crew.”

“...” Tokiya thinks about it, but not nearly as long as he should. His choices here were to drink himself to death, or to join their crew. If he died there, he supposed that he’d be dying either way. The worst case scenario was that Ren’s crew ended up killing him. But Tokiya didn’t understand why Ranmaru would be alright with this. “Sure.”

Ren would sigh a bit, and Tokiya would almost say that he sounds relieved. He finds that hard to believe. Ren would stand, but he’d offer Tokiya a hand. Tokiya would carefully take Ren’s hand and let himself be pulled to his feet. 

Tokiya was welcomed the most by Ren, and surprisingly enough, Ranmaru. Ranmaru was still fairly quiet around him, but Ranmaru seemed to give him far less hostility than most of the other crew. It didn’t help that the hostility gave Ren the idea to keep Tokiya closer to himself, to make sure that Tokiya wouldn’t be attacked. 

Tokiya was waiting for the real reason that Tokiya was invited onboard. Ren didn’t seem to have ulterior motives, but Tokiya was waiting for the moment where Ren finally pulled his sword out and stuck it through Tokiya’s back. It was Tokiya’s turn to be tense when he passed Ranmaru. 

He was waiting for Ren’s crew to finally decide that they’ve had enough of Ren protecting Tokiya. Ren would consistently, though carefully, tell Tokiya that they were only concerned for their own. 

“I know this is likely still a sensitive subject.” Ren would bring up one day while it was only him and Tokiya in his quarters. Ren hadn’t spoken too much to Tokiya about things that happened before Tokiya joined that involved him, but Ren and Tokiya had undeniably gotten closer, despite Tokiya’s hesitance. It was difficult for Tokiya to dislike Ren, and Ren was well aware. “But they cares for each other. They’ll come around to you.” Ren’s voice would drop lower. “It took them some time to come around on Ran, too.”

Tokiya’s jaw would flex and he’d look away from Ren. His tone is sharp. “Because we’re both dirty traitors. I’m just as bad as Ranmaru is.”

“Toki…” Ren would sigh, leaning against the wall, watching Tokiya. Tokiya doesn’t remember when Ren started using a nickname for him. It must have been some point recently. “I’m not saying this to make you upset, but your old crew wouldn’t have come back for you. You can’t desert people that deserted you.”

Tokiya would stay quiet for a long moment, glaring at the ground. “You told me a long time ago that you had heard about me from Ranmaru. Were you lying?”

“Of course I wasn’t. Ranmaru had told me about his previous crew- but he spoke about you with… an aggravated fondness. If he had thought that you would take it well, he would have asked you to join him when he left.”

Tokiya would scoff. “Sure.”

“I’m not lying, Toki. He thought that you were just misled, and that your passion and stubbornness was wasted. He still thinks that. And I think that I do, too.”

Tokiya scowls. “I’m exactly the same person I was back then, and the same person I was before I stepped onto your ship.” Tokiya’s voice cracks, but he covers it with a renewed tone of bitterness. “The only difference is I have less than I did then.”

“Do you really believe that?” Ren would ask. His voice is steady, but quiet. 

“I do. Eventually you’ll run out of your delusions that I can blend in with your group, and Ranmaru will get tired of living on the same ship as me. He’ll join the others of your crew in asking for my head, and then what choice will you have? Assuming that this ship isn’t heading for some area that will pay well for you handing me over to them. Perhaps my time is even more limited than I thought.”

“We aren’t turning you in.” Ren would sigh. “And I’ve discussed this at length with Ran. If he had any problems with you being on board back then, you wouldn’t be standing here now. He wouldn’t change his mind.”

“Sure.” Tokiya’s expression is hard. 

“He’s changed. He’s told me himself about the things he’s done, and it isn’t anything like he is right now.”

“Are you sure he doesn’t have some foolish hope that I’m going to turn around? Because I can promise you that I won’t.”

“Whether you want to hear it or not, you already have, Toki.”

“You hardly know me.”

“You’d be surprised.” Ren’s voice is soft, but he’d push himself away from the wall. “Time is the best proof we’re going to have. But I’ve made it very clear that no one is to bother you. Be sure to let me know if anyone doesn’t listen.”

Tokiya wouldn’t say anything. He’d just continue with his assigned task. 

Tokiya wouldn’t have seen the difference in Ren, but he’d hear murmurs from the crew. What Tokiya would have been able to piece together was that Ren often would disappear during the nights, but lately he had been staying in. 

Tokiya would approach him later. “Am I still a prisoner?” His question is quiet. 

Ren would look genuinely taken aback. “You’re part of the crew. Of course you aren’t a prisoner.”

“How little do you trust me?” Tokiya hadn’t quite connected the dots between the real reasons that Ren was staying in, but Tokiya assumed it had to do with him. Tokiya assumed that Ren didn’t trust leaving Tokiya on his ship when Ren wasn’t on it. 

Ren seems absolutely bewildered. “I don’t distrust you. Why so accusatory today, Toki?”

Tokiya’s jaw would set. “I’ve been hearing rumors that you’ve changed since I’ve been on board. So clearly it must be me. If I’m making you uncomfortable, why am I here?” 

Ren would blink. “I think you’ve misunderstood.”

Tokiya would shake his head. “If I’m not a prisoner-” The ship was docked at the moment, by a town. Tokiya almost never went off on his own anymore. “I’m going to step off of the ship.” Tokiya would turn to leave, and Ren would sigh, but would let him leave. 

Tokiya would wander around in town. He still had the bag that the other captain, Camus- he had learned, had given him. It was still almost half full. It really was an absurd amount he had been given, but he had a feeling that Camus wasn’t missing it much. 

Tokiya would head to the tavern in the town, but he’d be stopped by three men exiting it, laughing loudly. 

He recognized them. 

His crew had consisted of eight people, including himself, Ranmaru and the captain of the old crew. 

The captain was one of the three exiting, and the other two were from the crew as well. Tokiya had seen one of his crewmates killed, and had assumed that others were dead as well. He still wasn’t sure of the fates of the other two, but now he knew the fate of three of his family. 

Together. 

They really had deserted him. 

They were drunk, but they’d still be able to pick him out, especially with Tokiya standing there, staring. 

Tokiya was still dressed like a pirate. He wasn’t dressed in the way that the others in town were, and the old crew would make their way to Tokiya. 

“It’s been years.” Tokiya would say, his voice not hiding his surprise. “Why did you leave if you were just going to stay together?” Tokiya’s voice is strained. 

“Not like it’d matter to you.” The captain would scoff, putting his hands on Tokiya’s chest and shoving. “You moved on quick.”

“I looked for you.” Tokiya would say quietly, catching himself. "I had been chasing Ranmaru for ages, to make him pay for his betrayal. Everything until now I’ve done for the crew.”

“Yeah? And how much of Ranmaru’s debt has he paid?” One of the pirates would snort. 

Tokiya would get silent, and he’d get another shove, this one knocking him over. 

“He isn’t dead then, is he? What happened, huh?”

“Where is he?” The captain would demand. 

Tokiya knows better than to answer- but his captain asked him a question. “He’s… in the same crew as I am.” 

He feels a blow land on his side as one of the pirates would kick him. He can’t turn to the side, like his body wants to, because the captain would set his foot firmly down on Tokiya’s chest. 

“So you really are a dirty traitor.” The captain would take out his sword, pressing the tip of the blade to Tokiya’s cheek. Tokiya can feel the bit of blood bubble up from the small cut. “Should’a known. You always were a suck up. Desperate to keep your pitiful hide safe.” 

Tokiya can feel more blows land on him, and there’s nothing he can do. His hands are on the captain’s ankle, trying to lessen the pressure on his chest. He’s stuck in place. Finally the captain lifts his foot, walks around Tokiya, and then brings his leg up again, slamming his foot into the side of Tokiya’s face. 

“You couldn’t kill a cowardly traitor.” The captain grinds his boot into Tokiya’s face, and Tokiya whimpers. “So let me give you one last lesson on how to do it.” The captain lifts his foot again. “It’s like crushing a bug.” 

Tokiya closes his eyes, his fingers digging into the dirt of the ground. He doubted that one hit would kill him, even with how much the captain was winding it up, but his head was spinning from the first. Tokiya didn’t expect to leave this situation. 

The blow doesn’t come. 

“I think you’re mistaken.” It’s Ren’s voice. Tokiya opens his eyes, watching the scene, though it isn’t staying still. Everything is moving, as if he were on a ship. “I’ve heard about the situation. Tokiya is the only pirate that hadn’t left your crew by the time he had finally realized what a lost cause your poorly put together disgrace of a crew really was. It was only a shame that it took him this long to figure it out.” 

Tokiya remembers Ren telling him that Ren's crew tried not to kill people. Ren looked ready to kill this man. 

“I don’t think you deserve a chance to live, but I have some remaining morals. If you do not walk away from my crew mate right now, I’ll see to it that they hang your head on the wall of the tavern as a reminder of what happens to snakes like you.”

The captain would set his hand on his hip, near his sword. His foot lands on the ground, near Tokiya’s head but not on it. Tokiya looks behind Ren, and he seems to notice Ranmaru at the same time that the rest of his old crew notice him. 

“So you really are still alive. Guess we didn’t teach you your lesson well enough the first time.” The captain would scowl. 

“I have an entire crew with me. Not that I’d need more than I have right now to kill all three of you. This is your absolute last warning. If that blade leaves its sheath, your head will land at your feet.” Ren sounds serious. 

The captain pulls his blade, and Tokiya watches Ren’s wrist flex, and it seems like that’s all it takes before Ren’s blade has pierced the man’s chest. When the other two men grab their own swords, Ranmaru pulls out his dagger and joins Ren in the fight. Tokiya, despite the pain he’s in, can’t help but be confused. 

Why is Ranmaru helping Ren save his life? 

Why was Ren saving his life at all in the first place? 

Had Ren followed him, or was this luck?

Tokiya’s hurt physically, but it hurts more that the people he had been looking for, living for, were the reason he was on the ground, in pain. 

Ren and Ranmaru win. Unsurprisingly. Only the captain was dead. The others had run off after they had figured out that they couldn’t win. Ran off injured, with their tails between their legs, like scared dogs.

Tokiya wants to close his eyes and just lie there on the street. It was uncomfortably warm, but every part of him was uncomfortable. He could feel countless bruises begin to form, and his head hurt. But instead, he’d force himself to sit up, and the entire world spins around him. He ignores it, pushing himself up until he’s standing, though he’s swaying on his feet. It’s a miracle right now that he’s standing. For a second he’s worried that he has fallen when he feels something steady next to him, worried that it’s the floor, but it’s too soft and he doesn’t hit it. He does, however, lean against it. He looks up, and it takes a second for his eyes to focus in, but it’s Ren. Ren wraps an arm around Tokiya’s shoulders, keeping him standing. Ren is the reason that Tokiya gets back to the ship. Tokiya is having trouble thinking, or he’d be upset right now. 

Ren would walk Tokiya into his own quarters, into his own bed. Tokiya hardly even realizes that he’s not in his own cot. The second he’s able to pass out, he does. 

Tokiya is in an incredible amount of pain when he wakes up, to the point that he doesn’t force himself to sit up. He doesn’t move, because he doesn’t want to make it worse. His head is pounding. 

His eyes follow Ren when Ren stands from his chair. Ren crouches down besides where Tokiya is laying. 

“You’re pretty beat up, so be careful moving around.” Ren would warn. 

Tokiya is quiet for a long moment. The tears start slow, but they’re coming much quicker soon. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ren would ask, his voice soft. 

“They left me, and then when they found me they were going to kill me. I looked for them for so long, and they just left me.” Tokiya isn’t sobbing because it hurts to cry at all.

Ren’s hand would move, petting through Tokiya’s bangs in a comforting way. Tokiya’s lower lip trembles. “Why did you save me?” Tokiya’s voice is soft, too. Vulnerable. He had already cried in front of Ren. What did it matter what he said now? “If I wasn’t good enough for them, there’s no way I’m any good here.”

Ren would frown. “You’re part of my crew now. No matter how you feel, to me, you’re part of my family now. That means I’m going to have your back from here on out. No one’s going to hurt you on my watch.”

Tokiya’s sob makes him flinch, and Ren’s hand moves to rest against Tokiya’s shoulder. “I care about you, Toki. I hope you remember that.”

Tokiya hadn’t quite expected just the way that Ren cared for him. 

Tokiya would heal, though he still hadn’t quite recovered from that night. He never would have expected that the only crew member who wouldn’t turn their back on him would be the one he had called a traitor. He had spent years trying to kill Ranmaru, and somehow Ranmaru was able to put that in the past. Tokiya wasn’t the one watching his own back and yet he couldn’t just drop the issue. 

Ren’s crew still had yet to warm up to Tokiya, with the exception of one or two of the men. He would notice Ren, however, take things further, rather slowly. Ren’s arm would casually wrap around Tokiya’s shoulders. He’d ruffle Tokiya’s hair, and teasing Tokiya seemed to become a daily thing. 

The strangest thing was that Tokiya didn’t mind it. 

Tokiya didn’t even stop him, nearly a month later, when he was alone with Ren in his quarters and Ren had pinned him against the wall and kissed him. 

In fact, Tokiya found himself responding to the kiss. 

Tokiya found himself not only going along with Ren, but encouraging it as well. He didn’t mind at all when it had gone further than Tokiya would have expected it to go. 

Tokiya had been a part of one night stands before. By this point he had found out- from Ren himself, actually, that when Tokiya heard that Ren was staying in at night, it was because Ren was usually out with women. But this was different. He stayed in Ren’s bed. Slept in it, and not only had Ren let him, but Ren had encouraged it, wrapping an arm around Tokiya’s waist and holding him close. When Tokiya woke up, Ren was still in the bed. 

Neither of them spoke of exactly what they were. Ren treated him the same as always in front of the rest of the crew, but behind doors he wasn’t shy about being affectionate with Tokiya, and Tokiya certainly wasn’t against it. 

Tokiya no longer slept in his own cot. He shared Ren’s oversized bed. Most of the crew seemed fairly oblivious, perhaps willingly so, but Ranmaru had a knowing look in his eyes when he saw the two near each other. 

Ren had slowly sent Tokiya on missions and tasks that would send him away from Ren for short amounts of time, though Tokiya felt that it was more out of necessity than Ren trying to kick him out of the nest. 

But on one of these, two of the gruffer men in the crew would have approached Tokiya, cornering him. Tokiya still had his weapons on him at all times, and they’d been given back to him by Camus all that time ago. But Tokiya had grown respect for Ren, and though he certainly couldn’t say that this crew felt like his family, especially when they still treated him with such hostility, he still wouldn’t hurt Ren’s crew. They were Ren’s family, even if they weren’t his. 

But they’d stand in his way, blocking him from continuing further into the ship. “We don’t want you on this ship.” One of them would say bluntly. 

“We don’t know what you’re holdin’ over our captain, but it’s over.” One man would grab Tokiya’s right arm and the other would grab his left. Tokiya would struggle, but he hadn’t armed himself and the men are keeping his hands away from his weapons.   
They were nowhere near land. Tokiya realizes where they’re planning to take him when they take him back the way he came. Throwing him over the edge, into the water, would be a death sentence. There’s no chance that Tokiya could swim long enough to find land, and he didn’t see any other ships around. They would bring him all the way to the edge, and right as Tokiya has accepted his fate, he would hear someone clear their throat from behind him. 

“And just what do you think that you’re doing?” Ren’s voice has an edge to it. Tokiya can tell that he’s pissed. 

The men release Tokiya’s arms, looking at Ren almost like guilty children. 

“Toki, come over here.” Tokiya would move quickly to Ren’s side. He’s reminded of the suck up comment he got from his old crew. Ren would walk closer to the two men of his crew. “Was I not clear enough when I told everyone on this ship that they were not to bother our newest recruit?”

Both men are quiet. 

“I guess that I wasn’t.” Ren draws his sword, pointing it at the throat of the nearest man. “Jump.”

“Captain, I-” 

“Jump. Throw yourself overboard, just like you were about to throw him.”

The pirate looks afraid, but when Ren presses the sword further, he backs up. He slowly climbs over the edge. Tokiya thinks he sees his hands shake. He goes over the side. The other pirate moves no quicker when Ren’s sword turns towards him, but he eventually climbs over the side. Ren slowly makes his way over to the side of the ship, and he picks up the end of a rope ladder. The other side appears to be stuck to the bottom of the boat. Ren throws it over the side of the boat where the pirates are. 

He walks away, his hand on Tokiya’s back to lead him with him, and he enters his quarters.

Tokiya is silent.

Ren’s pirate captain demeanor would drop, but not until he and Tokiya were alone and the door to Ren’s quarters were closed. Ren’s hand would find Tokiya’s cheek, tilting his head so that Ren could examine his face. “Are you alright?” He would ask quietly.

Tokiya had faced death several times in his life. The largest feeling he’s felt with it every single time has been a permeating sense of hopelessness, and that’s the feeling setting in his gut right now. He’d close his eyes, leaning into Ren’s hand. His words don’t match his expression. “I’m fine. They didn’t send me over.”

Ren would hum, but Ren doesn’t push Tokiya. “I’m sure this situation didn’t help your discomfort on my ship, and I’m sorry about that. I guess that I’ll have to be more careful from here on out.”

“You…” Tokiya pauses. It still doesn’t come easy to him to try to reassure anyone. It becomes even more difficult when Tokiya is shaken up. Honesty doesn’t come much easier to him. Ren is very open with his emotions with Tokiya, especially for a pirate, and Tokiya isn’t used to it. “Can’t blame yourself. It’s only natural that your crew would distrust me.”

“Well, you’re part of the crew now, Toki. Whether they like it or not, it was my decision.”

“You should be careful. I would hate to be the catalyst for a mutiny.”

“You won’t be. But I think that the only way to solve this problem would be if you spent more time openly with Ranmaru and less with me.” Ren’s voice is serious, but careful. Tokiya would stiffen. 

“You’re assuming that Ranmaru would be anymore alright with that idea.”

“You’re more uncomfortable around Ran than he is around you. You don’t look him in the eyes long enough to see it.”

“If I were in his place, I wouldn’t want to spend time with me. Especially not to save… my-his life.”

“We can ask Ranmaru, but as far as I’m aware, that isn’t how he feels. If anything, I believe he’d be more inclined to help you if he learned that it could save your life.”

Tokiya really doesn’t believe Ren. 

“I’ll call him in to discuss our next move. Don’t leave the room.” Ren’s voice is stern. Tokiya would just head to sit on Ren’s bed, and Ren would watch him for a moment before stepping out. He’d come back in with Ranmaru. Ren would sit down at his desk, turning his chair so he can see Tokiya on his bed and Ranmaru, who has stopped to lean near the door. 

“So why am I in here?” 

Tokiya would look at Ren, who would speak. “Toki, I think you should bring it up.” 

Tokiya would give Ren an exasperated look. He was much less careful with his expressions when Ranmaru was the only one with them. Tokiya wasn’t worried about what Ranmaru thought, and Ranmaru never seemed to care. It wasn’t as if they made out in front of him, after all. He’d huff. “I was almost thrown overboard by the crew.”

“What?” Ranmaru’s anger would take Tokiya aback. “I fuckin’ told ‘em just as much as Ren did to leave you alone.” Ranmaru would look at Ren. “Is that why those two idiots were soaked?”

Ren’s mouth would curl up at the edges into a smile. “Think it taught them a lesson?”

“Sent a message.” 

Ren would chuckle. “Good.” Ren would take over the conversation. Tokiya realizes that Ren just wanted Tokiya to see Ranmaru’s reaction. “I’d like you to spend some time with him in front of the crew. To accompany him. I think seeing that you two are okay around each other may make the crew reconsider.” Ranmaru would nod, and Ren would give Tokiya a serious look. “Tokiya, I understand that you feel awkward and nervous around Ranmaru. Guilty, whether you’ll admit that or not. And that’s a good first step- but if you continue to wear that look around Ranmaru when you’re with him in public, it won’t help anything. I think you two need to talk this out before we try this.”

Ranmaru shrugs. Tokiya doesn’t know where to start. 

“Why did you leave, Ranmaru?” He’d finally ask the question he had often asked himself. 

“It wasn’t a way to live, Tokiya. You got the worst of it, and I’m sorry ‘bout that. Everything I did wasn’t to betray you. It was everyone else on that boat. All the pirates who would go and pillage and kill because they wanted somethin’ to do.”

“I still am one of those pirates, Ranmaru. I’m exactly the same person I was back then.” 

Ranmaru scoffs. “Please. You haven’t had any issues fittin’ in with this lifestyle. How many people did you kill while you were by yourself? How many while you were huntin’ me?”

“I was hunting you to kill you.” Tokiya would point out. 

“Answer the question.”

“...None.”

“You wanted to be part of a group, but they weren’t the right kinda group, Tokiya. I should’a taken you with me, even if you were pissed at me for it. You’ve been with such shitty people for so long that you’ve forgotten that not everyone is horrible person. And you’re one ‘a them, you know. I just wish you would give yourself a chance. I know you were with ‘em for so much of your life, but they never cared about you, Toki. Not now, not then. They used you. You did what they asked you to do. If they would’ve told you to be a shield for ‘em you would’ve and that’s not okay.”

“Isn’t that part of the life when you’re an unnamed crew member?” Tokiya would scowl. 

“Most of the crew here ain’t showin’ you much, but what about Ren? Ren’s treated you right since the beginning. When you were a prisoner. ...I know you two have somethin’ going on now, but you didn’t when you first showed up. Even when you first joined. I’d bet everything I have that if our ship got taken over when you were locked up downstairs, Ren would’ve evacuated you, too.”

“You talk about him so highly.” It wasn’t that Tokiya couldn’t see why, but Ranmaru certainly never sounded this serious about their old crew. “You’re clearly capable of showing loyalty to a crew. Why not the last one?”

“I was loyal, for a while. And then I found someone worth following.”

Tokiya would swallow. “Then I guess my next question is why I’m still alive. Wouldn’t it have been easier to kill me and never have to worry about me coming after you?”

“I left the last crew because I was tired of killing people. And whether you realized it or not, I could tell you weren’t a killer. I still can. Sure, you killed people. But you don’t have the same viciousness that everyone else in that group always had. I knew I’d never get through to you, but I had hopes that someone eventually would. Guess I was right.”

Tokiya would grip the side of the bed tightly. “You’re acting like we’re fine, but I’ve spent years trying to kill you.”

“Yeah, I had to watch my back, and it was annoying. I hated how intent you were on trying to kill me, obviously. We were friends, Tokiya. But I also realize that you spent years, alone, so focused on killin’ me that you weren’t even really living. You already look like you feel like shit about it. You had to feel like shit, all of those years. Why should I spend all of my time tryin’ to make you feel any worse? It wasn’t like you ever even really got close.” Ren would let out a sigh when Ranmaru said the last sentence, shaking his head. It was the first audible response he had to their conversation. 

“But how many times did I injure you? I helped them beat you nearly to death.” The same way Tokiya had almost been beat to death. 

Ranmaru would snort. “Helped? You stood and watched.” He’d shake his head. “I’m just gonna come out and tell it to you straight, Tokiya. You’re a good fighter, and you’re smart as hell. But you’re convincing yourself you’re a terrible person because that was the only way you could’a survived in that situation. The reason they left you behind was because you weren’t that person, Tokiya. You’d only kill when they were watching. Every time you came after me, you’d have all of these unspoken rules on just how you wanted to kill me. If you wanted me dead, like you said you did, you could’a had me dead this last time. I turned my back on you, and I didn’t get a sword through my chest. If you had been that desperate, you wouldn’t have sat there and talked to Ren, you would’ve tried to go through him. Did you even fight the crew that just tried to throw you off the ship to your death?”

“His weapons were both still at his side.” Ren answers for Tokiya. “Never unsheathed.”

“That’s why I want you on this ship. Because I think you'll be the pirate that you’re supposed to be here. And you found Ren. I’ve known both of you for a long time, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen either of you as happy as you both seem with each other. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you happy, Tokiya. You keep yourself so fuckin’ miserable all the time.”

“Toki.” Ren speaks slowly, focusing on Tokiya’s face. “Why didn’t you try to fight the two crew members that tried to throw you off of the ship?”

Tokiya glares down on the floor, grumbling. “It was out of respect. I didn’t want to hurt your crew.”

There’s a second of silence, and then Ranmaru pushes himself off of the wall. “Think our talk’s done. I’m not worried about you killin’ me, because you’ve been on this ship for months and you’ve never even gotten close to killing me yet. I’ll be around tomorrow.” 

Ren and Tokiya are quiet as Ranmaru leaves. 

“Did that help any?” Ren would ask, watching Tokiya’s face. 

“I don’t know.” Tokiya admits. “But I’ll do my best tomorrow.”

No one approached Tokiya the next day. Tokiya didn’t even get any looks, because one returning look from Ranmaru would stop them quickly. 

It would take until the third day for Tokiya to actually carry a conversation with Ranmaru, but once the initial gap had been crossed there was a significant drop in the awkwardness. 

Tokiya had forgotten what it felt like to get along with Ranmaru. It wasn’t long before they picked up a very similar closeness, not quite as smooth as it was on their last crew, but even Tokiya’s hesitance had dropped. 

It was nice. 

The rest of the crew didn’t exactly warm up to Tokiya. He still wasn’t close to almost any of them, but they left him alone, even if he walked around by himself. The two that had tried to throw him overboard kept their distance. 

Tokiya really was happy with Ren, and according to Ranmaru, Ren really did seem happy with Tokiya, too.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

Tokiya had liked Ranmaru for years. He had immediately been interested in man when he had first seen him, and the feelings had only grown the longer he had known Ranmaru. 

Tokiya felt like his feelings were unrequited- though he never had actually confessed. So he’d keep quiet, push it down, and settle with his daydreams of what could happen if Ranmaru felt the same way about him. Like a lovesick puppy.

Tokiya had thought before about what decision he would make if he were given the option to make someone fall for him. Tokiya would initially think that he would. Because sure, in most situations that would give this result, the other person probably wouldn’t even know they didn’t like him. But it was just a silly ‘what-if’ situation and Tokiya never looked too deeply into the idea, until he was faced with it. 

Tokiya didn’t believe in magic, or anything that wasn’t obviously real. Or at least, he hadn’t. Before he met Cecil, and Camus, that was. So he took his new acquisition much more seriously. There would have been a knock on his door, and Tokiya would have opened it to find an unmarked box. At first, he’d be suspicious. He’d look around his house, finding something longer, stick-like, to poke at the box, half-hiding behind his door. 

“What are you doing?” 

Tokiya had forgotten that he had invited Ranmaru over today. Tokiya is crouched behind his door, and he’d peer around it, blinking. He’d stand up, brushing himself off despite the fact that he doesn’t have anything on him. He’d set aside the object he was using to poke the box and he’d look at Ranmaru, who has a raised eyebrow. 

Tokiya would go a bit red, but he’d ignore it. “I got a strange box.”

Ranmaru’s attention would turn to the box, and he’d narrow his eyes at it. His voice is stern. “Don’t open it, Tokiya.”

“I’ll just leave it there for now. I’m sure it isn’t dangerous.” Tokiya really wasn’t sure about that, but he had poked it and nothing had happened. That meant something. 

Ranmaru would give Tokiya a long long. Tokiya hadn’t said that he wouldn’t open it. But Ranmaru would click his tongue and walk into Tokiya’s apartment, and Tokiya would close the door behind himself. 

After the initial box greeting, they fell back into a more comfortable pattern. Ranmaru had brought his bass, and Tokiya would have just listened to him play. He loved watching Ranmaru play. His face was relaxed, and the way his body curled over his bass seemed instinctual. Tokiya enjoyed playing instruments, but even he had yet to find an instrument that made him as happy as Ranmaru’s bass seemed to make him. 

Ranmaru had offered multiple times to teach Tokiya the bass- it wasn’t an instrument that Tokiya had learned to play. He knew how to play the guitar, so he was sure he could pick up the bass- but he wasn’t sure that he could handle lessons from Ranmaru. Not when being on a separate couch could get Tokiya’s heart pounding. Tokiya found it sweet that Ranmaru would keep offering, though it made him wonder if Tokiya’s excuses were that see through. 

They probably were.

Tokiya felt like he was very obvious about his feelings, and that Ranmaru had to have seen it. That Ranmaru didn’t respond to Tokiya’s embarrassing obviousness because he didn’t feel the same way, but didn’t want to lose Tokiya as a friend. 

Tokiya didn’t want to lose Ranmaru as a friend, either. And it wasn’t as if he couldn’t act normal around Ranmaru- if he didn’t, he was sure that Ranmaru wouldn’t keep coming over. Ranmaru wouldn’t invite Tokiya over, either. 

They hung out often. They were very close. 

Tokiya enjoyed that. 

They’d put on a movie, and Tokiya would gather snacks- things that he didn’t eat, but he kept for Ranmaru. Ranmaru was the type to convince Tokiya to share some of the snacks. Normally, Ranmaru was the only one that could get Tokiya to ‘cheat’ on his diet. Tokiya wouldn’t eat a lot, but even a little bit was a lot more than he’d usually have. 

The movie wasn’t great, but that made it better because Tokiya and Ranmaru would have made jokes throughout the entire movie. Towards the end, Tokiya’s stomach would hurt, and even Ranmaru would still have a smile on his face. 

These days were Tokiya’s favorite. But it would eventually end, and Ranmaru would leave. He’d forget about the box on his way out, but Tokiya would be reminded. He’d wait for Ranmaru to be gone before he’d grab the box. He’s careful with it, but nothing happens when he picks it up. He’d bring it inside, closing his door behind him with his foot. He’d grab a kitchen knife after he’d set the box down on his counter. 

Ranmaru’s warning is fresh in his mind, but Tokiya had… more than a few bad habits. This was one of them. He was going to open the box. 

When the tape has been opened, Tokiya very carefully opens the box. It opens, revealing something wrapped in bubble wrap. Tokiya would furrow his eyebrows and take it out. He’d unwrap it, revealing a beautiful glass bottle. It’s decorative, shaped like a heart, and it seems to have some type of light pink liquid in it. It looks like it’s bubbling, like it has carbonation. 

On the front side all it says is ‘Love Potion Number Nine” but the back has instructions. 

The instructions are straightforward. Give it to someone you want to like you. It doesn’t matter how much or how little, but the more you give them the more into you they’ll be. There’s no taking it back, the consequences are all of your own making. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure that he believed it. But even if he had- he’d come to his final conclusion quickly. Even if it worked, he’d never give this to Ranmaru. He may have wanted nothing more than to have Ranmaru like him, but this felt like drugging Ranmaru. Tokiya would never. 

He’d just go to bed. 

Ranmaru started acting differently. Ranmaru would have showed up at Tokiya’s door the next morning, offering to walk with Tokiya to work. Tokiya would have glanced at his watch, not really reading the numbers, but he knew it wasn’t quite time. 

“You’re a bit early.” 

Ranmaru would glance at Tokiya’s watch. “Oh. Can I come in for a minute, then?”

Tokiya would nod, his eyebrows furrowing. “Yeah, sure.”

Tokiya would go to get ready. It was lucky that he had quick reflexes, because when he walked out of the shower, Ranmaru would have been standing in his room. Tokiya had definitely shut the door- but as he opens his mouth to ask what’s going on, the words would die in his throat. There’s a look on Ranmaru’s face that isn’t quite right. Tokiya would take a cautious step towards Ranmaru, but Ranmaru would take a step forward too, and Tokiya would step back.

Ranmaru would approach him, backing him up into the wall. One of Tokiya’s hands was still holding his towel up, and one of Ranmaru’s had raised, landing on the wall behind him, pinning Tokiya between the dresser and Ranmaru. 

“Ranmaru…? What’s going on? Why are you in here?” Tokiya’s face would be bright red. Ranmaru’s so close that he’s almost pressed against Tokiya, and Tokiya is reminded that he’s only in a towel. Clothes feel different against bare skin when they’re being worn by someone else. 

“I’ve seen the way you look at me.” Ranmaru’s voice is husky and makes Tokiya’s breath catch in his throat. “Are you really gonna tell me you don’t want this?”

Ranmaru would lean forward, pressing his lips to Tokiya’s with a forcefulness that wouldn’t surprise Tokiya, coming from Ranmaru. But despite the harsh kiss, Ranmaru’s lips are soft and warm. The only kisses that Tokiya had ever had were on stage, but this was different. Because no matter what Ranmaru felt, Tokiya had strong feelings when their lips connected. 

Ranmaru would pull back, and Tokiya would be panting. Ranmaru doesn’t seem quite as affected as Tokiya. When Ranmaru would lean back in, Tokiya would press on Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru takes longer to pull back than Tokiya would have thought he would. “What?”

“Do you want this?” Tokiya’s voice is breathless. He almost wants to cry. 

“Don’t you?”

“That doesn’t matter right now. I asked you first.”

“Yeah. I love you.” There’s something about Ranmaru’s answer that doesn’t sit well with Tokiya. Ranmaru tries to lean in again, but Tokiya stops him once more. 

“We’ll be late to work if I don’t get dressed.” 

“Fine.” Ranmaru grunts, and he goes in one last time, but he seems to be going for Tokiya’s cheek, so Tokiya doesn’t stop him. Ranmaru presses a kiss to Tokiya’s cheek, and then finally backs off, heading back to the living room. 

Tokiya doesn’t know how to feel. He doesn’t know what just happened. There was something strange to Ranmaru’s tone when he told Tokiya that he loved him- it sounded empty. Forced. But it didn’t match any of his actions and it left Tokiya with a stinging feeling in his chest. But he would get ready, quickly, before Ranmaru decided to come check on him. Ranmaru had seen enough of Tokiya for one day. 

So Tokiya would walk out, fully dressed. There was nothing he could do about how red his lips looked right now. And after only one kiss, too. He’d deal with it. 

Tokiya would freeze when he’d notice a strange water bottle. It has a pink tint to it. 

He’d check around the kitchen counter, trying to find the bottle from last night. He’d find it, but it’s in the fridge. He’d touch it with light fingertips, but it’s too cold for Ranmaru to have put it in there, and all of his waterbottles seemed to be tinted pink. 

Everything would click in Tokiya’s head. He had no idea how it had happened- but that’s why Ranmaru was acting so weird. Tokiya is hit with a wave of guilt. He was the one that had done this to Ranmaru. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t directly handed him the bottle, but he should have been more careful about where he had set that damn bottle. 

“Toki?” 

Tokiya would blink. Ranmaru very, very used a nickname for him. If ever. It was the way that Tokiya called him Kurosaki for a long time, until they had gotten fairly close, and then he finally started calling him Ranmaru. Sometimes Tokiya almost slips and calls him Ran, but he holds his tongue. 

Ranmaru usually does the same. Not today.

“I’m sorry, I just got a bit dizzy.” Tokiya would hold his head. Maybe it would wear off if he spent some time away from Ranmaru? He didn’t want to take a day off, but he could deal with one. “I think I’m starting to get a migraine.” He’d rub his temples, stepping away from the fridge, closing it quickly as he does. Ranmaru’s hand would reach up, gentle, his fingertips resting over Tokiya’s hand. 

“You should go lie down. You want me to stay?” 

“That’s alright. If you could just let them know I won’t be coming in, that would be enough.”

Ranmaru would hesitate. It clearly wasn’t the answer he was hoping for. It did seem to be the answer he expected, however. “You sure? I could just send them a call.”

“I’m just going to sleep, anyways. You don’t have to stay.”

Ranmaru looks a bit… aggravated, but he’s trying to hide it. “Alright. I’ll drop by to check up on you after work.”

“Alright.” Tokiya would relent. It was still some time apart. 

Ranmaru would wait until Tokiya’s climbed back into his bed. To both hurry the situation and also to help his case of being sick he just crawls into the bed in his clothes. Or at least, he tries. Ranmaru would grab his arm, and to Ranmaru’s credit, he’s keeping his voice low. 

Tokiya had turned off the lights when he had entered the room. 

“You should get in some better clothes. What you’re wearing can’t be any comfortable.” 

Tokiya would make a quiet noise of assent. He didn’t actually have a migraine. Tokiya never had migraines. But at this point he was telling himself that he did, to keep himself careful. He didn’t want to nod, because he could feel the phantom pain behind it. He’d move to head towards the drawer, but Ranmaru wouldn’t let go of his arm. 

“Go ahead and sit down. Tell me where they are and I’ll get ‘em.” 

“...Second drawer. I should have shirts and pants in there.”

“Got it.” Ranmaru would head to the dresser. It isn’t entirely dark in the room, though it’s certainly dim with Tokiya’s curtains having been drawn closed. Ranmaru digs through the drawer just long enough to find a shirt and a pair of pants, and he’d hand them to Tokiya. Tokiya would grab them, going to stand. Ranmaru would set an arm on Tokiya’s shoulder, keeping him from walking to the bathroom. “I’ll go grab you some water while you get changed. You don’t have to go to the bathroom to do it.” Ranmaru would turn, mostly closing the door behind himself as he walks out. Tokiya changes quickly. It’s about a moment after, but he hears a light knock on the door. The noise is very soft.

That was nice of Ranmaru to check. 

“You can come in.” Tokiya keeps his own voice low. He’s changed, sitting on the bed. Ranmaru brings in a bottle of water- Tokiya notices a tint of pink, hardly noticeable in the dark. He won’t be drinking it. “Thank you.” 

“Get some rest. I’ll be by later.” Ranmaru’s voice remains quiet, but it’s a bit gruff. It takes effort to not ask Ranmaru to stay. He clearly wants to. Tokiya reminds himself that Ranmaru really doesn’t. Ranmaru doesn’t know what Ranmaru wants- he only thinks he does. 

Ranmaru hesitates, but he leaves once Tokiya has lied down. Tokiya hears Ranmaru leave the apartment. Tokiya doesn’t know if he does or doesn’t fall asleep, but he hears his phone buzz with a text and chooses to look at it. 

“If youre up, this is a heads up that im coming over.”

A text from Ranmaru. The potion must not have worn off completely. If it’s warn off at all. Sure enough, about fifteen minutes later, Tokiya hears a light knock. When he doesn’t answer it, he hears Ranmaru let himself in. Ranmaru knows where Tokiya’s key is hidden. There’s a small box with a code, hidden near the bottom of Tokiya’s door. Tokiya wasn’t sure exactly what it was for, but he kept a key in it. Ranmaru and Otoya were the only two that knew the code, besides Tokiya, of course. 

Tokiya closes his eyes, pretending to be asleep. His face was red and puffy, because he had spent a large amount of his time awake crying that day. God, did he wish this was real. It hurt that it wasn’t. Tokiya felt so guilty. 

Ranmaru would carefully and quietly enter his room. Tokiya would feel Ranmaru’s fingers brush softly through his hair. “Your breath is catching.” Ranmaru says quietly. “I know you’re awake. Does it hurt that bad?”

At least Ranmaru didn’t assume it was because of him. It didn’t make Ranmaru realize that Tokiya was lying. 

“It’s not much better.” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse as well from his crying. Ranmaru would turn him, looking at his face. There’s concern. It feels genuine, but there’s still a hint of something that isn’t right. 

Tokiya doesn’t feel well. He was faking his headache but it had started to get more and more real. 

Tokiya would push Ranmaru away. It’s weak, because Tokiya wasn’t really trying to attack him, he was only trying to get the point across.

“Toki-” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit sharper, and Tokiya shakes his head, his lip starting to tremble. He was definitely about to cry. 

“This isn’t right.” Tokiya’s voice is filled with pain, and guilt, because he can’t hide it. “You don’t care about me like this! I won’t say that you don’t care, but you don’t love me, Ranmaru!” He begins to break down in sobs. His head is pounding, and he sets it in his hands, clutching tightly to the hair near his templese. It hurts. “I messed up, and I know you don’t feel like this! And it’s not your fault, but you’re wrong. You’re wrong about loving me, and the way you’re feeling right now isn’t true, and I’m sorry. I think… I’m hoping that the fake feelings might leave if you’re away from me.” Tokiya’s voice sounds miserable. “So I think you should leave. You shouldn’t be near me for a few days, and I think you might… feel better.” 

Tokiya feels Ranmaru sit down besides him, and he shakes his head. He wants Ranmaru to be angry at him. He wants Ranmaru to tell him that he’s right, and that Ranmaru will leave. That he knows his feelings are fake. 

But of course that isn’t what he does. 

He wraps his arms tightly around Tokiya. “You’re wrong.” There’s that edge to Ranmaru’s voice again. The one where he seems like he doesn’t entirely believe that statement, but it’s what he feels he needs to say. “Of course I care about you, Toki. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here.” Tokiya can’t bring himself to pull away from Ranmaru’s embrace. He’s upset. He’d give anything for Ranmaru to comfort him, even if this isn’t right. “Don’t be sorry, Toki. You didn’t do anything. Just let me take care of you for once, huh? Just believe me.”

And then Ranmaru’s words begin to change. Tokiya slumps against him. He would say relax, but that’s not the right word. His tears come quicker, but quieter. Ranmaru keeps talking. “This is just you, Toki.” His voice is quiet. “It’s you not believing that I can love you. It’s you, assuming that I’m lying to you, because I have to be. Because you don’t feel like you’re good enough. It’s you not giving me a chance. Listen to what I’m telling you, Toki, and just let it happen. Let yourself be happy for once. I’m trying to help you.”

Tokiya can feel his heart pound. He doesn’t want Ranmaru to be talking like this. He’s barely figured out his own feelings- but no. That’s not true. It’s the potion. It must be the potion. 

Tokiya is too tired to argue with Ranmaru. That night, Ranmaru lies down with him, and he holds him so tightly that Tokiya can’t imagine getting up. He’s exhausted himself with his sobbing, and even now, lying on Ranmaru’s chest, he’s sniffling. 

Tokiya wakes up, confused. Ranmaru isn’t there- there’s no bottle of pink tinted water on his bedside table like there had been last night. He was wearing the same pajamas, not from last night but from the night before. 

Tokiya has a text from Ranmaru. 

“Im coming over because i forgot my pics. Ill be in and out”

Tokiya notices the date. That’s not right. That should have been yesterday. 

Was that entire day a dream? 

Tokiya cries. He tells himself it’s for the best, because this meant that Ranmaru wasn’t drugged. Ranmaru wasn’t pretending to be in love with him. 

He’d never have Ranmaru. But at least Ranmaru wouldn’t be forced into thinking he actually liked Tokiya. No empty ‘I love you’s, or kisses filled with only one side of real emotion. 

No comfort from Ranmaru, or falling asleep lying on his chest. 

It was all fake, Tokiya reminds himself. All a dream. 

That thought caused him physical pain. His chest hurt. He’d force himself up and he’d skip the shower today. He looks like a mess, when he looks in the mirror. He wipes at his eyes, mostly getting rid of the tears, but he can’t wipe away the bags, or the tired expression. He smiles into the mirror, and the expression makes him cringe. No fake smiles today, he tells himself. They weren’t going to work today.

There’s a knock on the door as soon as he finishes getting dressed. Maybe he really should make up a migraine today. 

Tokiya would walk straight to the door. He’d open it up, and his first mistake is the small smile that he’d give Ranmaru. It’s too natural that he’d forget to not give it. Ranmaru would narrow his eyes. “You look like shit.”

“I’m just not feeling well.” Tokiya would say tiredly. 

“Hmm.” Ranmaru would let himself in. He’d close the door himself when Tokiya takes some time to close it. Ranmaru would head to the couch, where the matchbox holding his guitar pics would be lying on the couch. “So what’s wrong with you?” 

“A migraine.” Tokiya would say, and Ranmaru would turn around again, to stare at him for a long time. 

“And since when do you get migraines?” 

“Since today, I guess.” Tokiya would respond, a bit shortly. Ranmaru would huff. 

“Whatever. I guess I’ll tell ‘em you aren’t comin’ in today. You mind if I grab some water before I head out?” Tokiya would shake his head. 

He’d add a warning, just in case. “Some of the bottles have been a bit… strange. Just check before you drink one that it’s clear.” 

Ranmaru would give Tokiya a suspicious and bewildered look. “...Alright. Well, I’ll message you later to check up on ya.” 

This was… maybe even a bit more than Tokiya was expecting from Ranmaru. But it was definitely more Ranmaru. 

And then it hits Tokiya that he hadn’t checked on the bottle. He follows Ranmaru in time to see Ranmaru’s attention, but it’s drawn to the box before it’s drawn to the bottle. 

“Didn’t I tell you not to open this?” Ranmaru sounds annoyed, but Tokiya is fairly certain it comes from a place of concern, but that doesn’t change the narrowed eyed look he’s getting from Ranmaru right now. 

“...I forgot.” 

“Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is sharp. “You need to be more careful. What was in it?” 

Tokiya doesn’t respond, and Ranmaru looks around the table. His eyes land on the bottle, and Tokiya walks forward, but he’s not fast enough. Ranmaru has the bottle in his hands, looking at it. He’d read the front. He’d turn it over and read the label on the back. 

“You didn’t order this, did you?” Ranmaru’s voice is accusatory. 

“No, Ranmaru, I didn’t.” Tokiya’s jaw would set. 

“Was there a reason someone sent this to you?” Ranmaru is watching Tokiya closely. When Tokiya doesn’t respond, Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “Was there someone you were gonna use this on?”

“Of course not.” Tokiya answers quickly. His eyes burn with tears, and the reaction almost takes Ranmaru by surprise. “I’d never.” His lower lip trembles, but he bites down on it to try to stop himself from starting to cry. “I respect… them too much. To do something like that.”

“Was it me?” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. Tokiya looks down, and he can’t bite back this sob. He’d closes his eyes, but he’d nod. His dream is playing through his head. He’d feel a hand on his head, ruffling his hair. Ranmaru feels tired, and he sighs. “I’m sure it’s some stupid prank, anyways. Probably some pink colored soda water or some shit. But even if it were real, it wouldn’t work anyways, you idiot. I already like you.”

Tokiya was crying, and he normally wouldn’t have looked up, with his face as messed up as he was sure it looked right now. But he’d have to look up, blinking a few times to clear his eyes, giving Ranmaru’s a wide-eyed look. “R-really?”

Ranmaru would have taken his hand from Tokiya’s hair, but his look is dead serious. “Really.”

Tokiya isn’t sure how to respond. For a moment, there’s fear. His voice drops, almost child like. “And you didn’t drink any of it? No pink tinged water? Or any soggy food in the kitchen…?”

Ranmaru sighs. “No, Tokiya. I like you. No dumb love potion involved.”

Tokiya’s cries have stopped because of shock, and he still hasn’t lost it again as of yet. But he’d step forward, wrapping his arms around Ranmaru in a hug. Ranmaru would return it. 

“Jesus.” Ranmaru mutters. His hand raises to the back of Tokiya’s head. 

“I- I’m sorry. I know you’re saying you like me but… this isn’t because you feel bad, is it? You really felt like this before…?”

Ranmaru sighs. “I like you. No strings attached, no love potion, no pity. I noticed the way you’ve been looking at me months ago. I was gonna make a move eventually. There was just never a good time.” Ranmaru’s voice becomes almost a mumble towards the last two sentences. He’s still holding onto Tokiya. “I wouldn’t lie to you about somethin’ like this. I’m not gonna pretend to like you if I don’t.” 

Tokiya would close his eyes, leaning against Ranmaru a bit more than he means to. Now that everything is settled, he realizes how terrible the sleep he had gotten last night was. He was absolutely exhausted. 

“I’m guessin’ that the migraine was bullshit?”

Tokiya would hesitate a moment, but he’d nod, not opening his eyes. 

“Then what’s actually up with you? You look terrible.”

“Thanks.” Tokiya mutters. “Just… I didn’t get much rest last night.” Despite the fact that he was asleep the entire time, it was unfortunately true. He felt like he hadn’t slept at all- and that was at best. Because that wasn’t including the exhaustion that had come from all of the involved emotions, and the stress, and his face and stomach hurt from crying. He vaguely remembers that his pillow was wet that morning, so he must have cried in his sleep.

“I was gonna tell ‘em you were sick anyways, so why don’t you go lie down? Do you want me to stop by after work?”

That was definitely what Tokiya would expect from Ranmaru. Tokiya certainly enjoyed the physical contact from his dream- as funny as it was to think that when the hug had been going on for at least a few minutes at this point, but he preferred his Ranmaru. The gruffer, straight to the point Ranmaru, who was very soft, but not in an overly obvious way. 

And Tokiya hadn’t heard the edge in Ranmaru’s voice at all. Even when he told Tokiya he liked him. 

Tokiya would nod. “I’d appreciate that. Thank you… Ran.”

Ranmaru would let out a noise, something almost flustered. “Yeah. ‘Course Toki.”

Tokiya would smile.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings ; cosmetic surgery

Ren had always come across as someone who was confident in his own skin. Ranmaru had known Ren for years. They’ve been friends since childhood, and Ranmaru had gotten very good at reading Ren- he knew that Ren was insecure. It felt obvious to him, though in reality Ren wasn’t overly obvious about it. 

It was the way that Ren’s eyes would darken sometimes when he’d look in the mirror, and how often he would. The way that he’d push food around on his plate to make it seem emptier than it was, or when he’d try to give food to Ranmaru when Ranmaru’s food would be gone. How carefully he’d do his hair and makeup in the morning, the kind of flaw hiding makeup that Ranmaru hardly did even when he actually was on set, and the indecision that Ren had choosing clothes, despite the fact that he looked good in anything that he wore. 

Ranmaru hated the way that Ren would frown into the mirror when he thought that Ranmaru wasn’t watching. 

Ranmaru had no idea that Ren had been approached by another model on set one day, while he was on break from his current shoot. 

“How do I look?” She would ask, smiling up at Ren with a wink. 

“Lovely as always, my lady.” Ren would smile. 

“I’m glad to hear it. I just had a procedure, recently, you know.”

“Procedure?”

She would move her hand against her face, pressing gently. “This one wasn’t anything too serious. Just something to make me a look a bit younger. There are all kinds of things you can do- I’ve had ones to smooth my skin, and tighten my face. I used to be bigger, too.” She’d rest her hand on her stomach. “I have a guy I go to, and he’s got some great deals. If you’re interested, I could give you his number.”

Ren would blink, and he’d stay silent for a moment. “...Sure. I’ll take the number.”

Ren would tuck it into his wallet and go back to work. He’d feel his heart pound in his chest thinking about it. 

He had never considered any type of cosmetic surgery before. Even something that sounds simple could have horrible repercussions- but she had looked beautiful. It truly had worked for her, and Ren couldn’t get the idea out of his head that it could make him look better. That it might make him happier to look into the mirror. To look at himself. 

And while Ren could argue with himself that no one else would care, because this was his own decision, and if he did look better, who would complain? He still wouldn’t tell Ranmaru. He really didn’t think that this was something that Ranmaru would support. 

But what if it could make Ren happy?

If it worked, Ren could get more gigs. What fan would complain about their idol looking better? If he looked younger, maybe he could even stay in the business for longer. He wasn’t sure how old the other model was, but the way she spoke made it sound like she was starting to show her age before her… surgeries. 

Surgery was an ugly word. It sounded serious. Ren had never had surgery before, because he had never really hurt himself badly enough to need one. He hadn’t even gotten his wisdom teeth removed. 

For a few days, it would be nothing but a persistent thought in Ren’s head. 

“Everythin’ alright? You seem… distant.” Ranmaru would comment over dinner one night. Ren had hardly touched anything at all on his plate, and this was the second day it had happened. 

Ren would smile, but even Ranmaru could tell that something was off about it. Ranmaru would frown. “Everything is fine, Ran. I’m just a bit tired. It’s been a long few days.”

Ranmaru would pause, and he’d try to word his next sentence carefully. “You wanna talk about it?”

Ren would smile again, and this one seems less strained. Much more genuine. He’d reach out, squeezing Ranmaru’s arm. “Thank you, Ran, but it’s alright. There was nothing exciting about it, it was just a long day at work.”

Ranmaru would huff, but he’d drop it. “If you’re sure.”

“I am.”

And then, a few days later, Ranmaru would have found a website open on Ren’s laptop. Ranmaru wasn’t the type to look into other people’s things, partner or not- but Ranmaru had an important email to send and his phone was dead and his charger misplaced. He was going to look for it later, but the email was important. Ren wouldn’t normally be bothered with Ranmaru using his things, especially if it were for something like this, so Ranmaru didn’t think twice to grab Ren’s laptop. 

Ranmaru was just going to minimize the browser and open up a new one, but his eyebrows would furrow when he’d notice the page that Ren had stopped on. It would pop up when Ranmaru opened the laptop, and it would be an informational page. At first Ranmaru wasn’t sure what the information was for, but he’d be distracted by the pictures. Closeups of faces, and stomachs, and eyes and jaws and necks. At first, Ranmaru thinks it’s creepy. When he figures out just what the page is, he decides that it’s definitely creepy. 

It’s an informational page on cosmetic surgery. All of the pictures were examples of them gone well, and the entire page was clearly talking it up. It made Ranmaru feel uncomfortable. Why was Ren looking this kind of thing up? 

Ranmaru would have forgotten the email, looking through the page, and some of the other pages on surgery that Ren had left up. Ranmaru feels emotions, heavy in his gut. 

The primary one he feels is anger- it’s not the strongest emotion, but it’s the most easily recognizable. Why would Ren even consider plastic surgery? Ren was one of the last people that would ever need it. Ren was attractive. That was a fact- Ren was the type of person that was undeniably attractive, in Ranmaru’s opinion. Ranmaru had no interest in Ren when they first met, but he saw even then why Ren got all kinds of modeling gigs. Not to mention that Ren was almost in a better shape than Ranmaru was. Ren was great at caring for himself, and there was definitely genetics that played a hand in it. Not that it mattered. 

Ren was fucking attractive. He didn’t need any help. Especially not ‘under the knife’ kind of help. 

Not to mention that Ranmaru’s mind immediately went to why Ren was thinking like this. He felt red hot anger when he thought that someone may be putting these thoughts into Ren’s head. 

If anyone had the nerve to even imply that Ren wasn’t good enough, Ranmaru would kick their fucking ass. No one should make Ren feel like that.

Not even Ren. 

The next emotion, one that Ranmaru was less familiar with, was fear. 

With growing alarm, he’d get off of the bed, searching for his phone charger. He’d find it, buried at the bottom of a backpack, and he’d plug it into the wall. He’d settle on the floor, plugging in the phone. 

What if Ren was out there now, doing something stupid?

Ranmaru needed to talk to Ren. Needed to make sure that Ren really was at work right now. That would be enough. He could talk to Ren about all of this later, as long as Ren was coming home. 

As soon as his phone would turn on, Ranmaru would call Ren. His head is craned awkwardly so that the charging cable doesn’t disconnect, but it’s fine. That’s not his biggest concern right now. 

“Hello? Ran? Is everything okay?”

“Ren, where are you?”

Ren sounds confused. “I’m at work. I’m on set right now. What’s going on?”

“You’re coming home right after work?”

“I was planning to, yes.”

“Good. We can talk then.” Ranmaru hesitates for a long moment, his jaw tightening. “You’re at work, so you don’t need to say it back. But… I love you, Ren.”

Ren’s voice sounds almost strained. “Thank you.” It was the best he could do.

“Stay safe, Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice comes out a bit flat. 

“You too, Ran.” Ren’s voice is very quiet. Ranmaru ends the call. He runs his hands through his hair, fighting the gel but not minding the pull. He stands up, grabbing his jacket on the way out and pulling on his boots as quickly as he can. 

He finds himself in front of Masato’s apartment. Maybe Masato is there, and maybe he isn’t- but he was the first person that Ranmaru thought of. 

The two acted like children around each other. Masato was concerned about face, or family, or something like that. Ranmaru didn’t ever really get it. But he’s known Masato as long as he’s known Ren, and despite Masato and Ren’s stupid rivalry, Ranmaru knew that Masato cared for Ren. 

Ranmaru would knock on the door. Well, knock wasn’t quite the right word. Pound on it is more like it. 

Masato would open the door, looking confused. “Kurosaki? Why are you here?”

“Can I come in? This isn’t a conversation for the hallway.” Ranmaru mutters. Masato nods, opening the door wider and stepping back. Ranmaru tries not to focus on the items in the apartment that clearly weren’t Masato’s. It’s kind of hard to ignore the dog.

Ranmaru would take a seat on the couch and Masato would take a seat in the chair. Masato is tense. 

“Has something happened?”

“It’s Ren.” Ranmaru’s jaw would tighten. “I’m hopin’ that I’m just overreacting but I saw him looking things up about plastic surgery.” Masato would wince when he hears the phrase. “I-” Ranmaru knows what he wants to say, but he’s barely capable of being vulnerable around Ren, let alone Masato. Especially in Masato and Camus’ shared apartment. Ranmaru would have to relocate if Camus saw him being vulnerable. But Ren was worth it, Ranmaru would remind himself. “I can’t let this be. I can’t just not talk to him about it, but I don’t have any idea how to handle it. I don’t want to piss off Ren and make him do somethin’ stupid.”

Masato would be quiet for a long time. “I know the both of you fairly well, and I know Ren especially well. You’re right. You can’t yell at him over this. He won’t take it well, especially because if he’s really considering going this far, he’s not in a good mindset right now. Talk to him. Figure out why he’s doing this. ...I can only imagine his reasoning, and I don’t think I could understand them. I’m not sure you’re going to have an easy time understanding it, either. But if you stay calm, you should be able to get through to him. If… if it gets to it, and you can’t help him, I can try. I believe that we’re both under the impression that this isn’t a road Ren should go down.”

“Of course it isn’t.” Ranmaru answers immediately. Flatly. 

Masato nods. “I think you’re the person he’s most likely to listen to. Try to convince him, not attack him. Give him reasons. If they’re as personal as I can only imagine they will be,” Masato would sigh. “Just do your best to tell him how you feel without letting yourself get worked up. I know you’re upset, and I’m sure he’ll know that too- but he’s going to be upset as well. He likely already is. Cosmetic surgery isn’t something you’d consider if you were happy.” Masato’s voice has dropped by his last sentence. “But…” He hesitates for a second. “Perhaps this is coming more from me… Don’t let him drop the subject. Be as gentle as you can with the situation, but don’t let him lead you off of it. Convince him to speak to you.” He sounds almost urgent. 

Ranmaru would nod. “I’ve got no intentions on letting Ren drop this.” His voice remains as flat as it was earlier. “I’m not lettin’ him do this to himself.”

“Look up some facts about it. The dangers. It won’t be fun, but having some sort of knowledge on it might help.”

Ranmaru sighs. He knows he needs to, but it isn’t helping the fact that he’s afraid. Afraid for Ren. But he’d do it, because he wants Ren to be okay. He’s going to pull himself together and bite back the anger and the fear and be calm. For Ren.

There was no other option.

“My very last piece of advice, Ranmaru-” Ranmaru would still a bit at the use of his full, first name. Especially used by Masato. “You’re… together. So your opinion is naturally very important to Ren. I know that you act differently around Ren. I’ve seen it myself.” His voice is very quiet. Almost awkward. “I would use that. Remind Ren what you feel about him. That’s… not necessarily Ren specific, but I still think that would help him right now. Just be there for him.”

Ranmaru would nod. “Thanks, Masato.” He’d stand. He had some information to look up. Masato is quiet as he leaves. 

Ranmaru feels sick when he does his research. Some of the pictures associated with the complications would make even Ranmaru lose his appetite. He wonders idly if Ren looked through the same things. He isn’t sure if he hopes that Ren did or if he hopes that Ren didn’t. They certainly weren’t pretty. 

Ranmaru would take another glance at the website Ren had last looked at. It seemed to be the only person orientated website there was, and Ranmaru would look over it. It looked sketchy. 

Ranmaru knew this much- if he really couldn’t convince Ren out of this, this man wouldn’t be the one Ren would be going to see. 

Ranmaru shudders to think of the case where he can’t get through to Ren, but he promises himself that if he really can’t, Ren isn’t going to be doing this behind his back. Ren will be going to a proper place and Ranmaru would be there with him. Ranmaru doesn’t want it to come to this, but he’s not letting Ren go to any questionable place and wind up as another surgery gone wrong horror story. 

Ren would enter the apartment. He had been concerned since he had gotten Ranmaru’s strange call- but he truly hadn’t been able to guess why Ranmaru had been acting that way. Ren was worried that something bad had happened. 

“Ran?” Ren would call out into the apartment, his eyebrows furrowed. 

Ranmaru would take a deep breath before he’d exit into the living room. He’d remind himself to remain calm. He wasn’t angry at Ren. He was angry- but he could put it aside, because as much as he wishes Ren had told him, or that Ren wasn’t considering this at all, he also understands that he isn’t always easy to talk to. 

And that it likely wasn’t even him. Ren probably hadn’t told many people. 

“Ren. We need to talk.” Ranmaru walks into the living room, speaking almost as soon as he sees Ren. Now Ren looks nervous. 

“Alright. Table or couch?”

They normally used the table for the more serious discussions. Things about their job, or leaving for trips, or bills. The couch conversations were usually serious, too, but it was much more… emotional. Less factual. 

“Couch.” 

Ren would nod. The feelings in his eyes were unreadable. Ren would sit in his normal place, on the couch. Ranmaru would normally sit in the chair across from the couch, to see Ren’s face better. Ranmaru chooses to sit on the couch besides Ren, which seems to put Ren more on edge. Now Ren is really worried. 

Ranmaru would let out a sigh, his eyebrows furrowing. “How are you? Honestly?”

Ren would blink. He’d squeeze Ranmaru’s knee. “I’m fine, Ran. Why are you asking?”

“Please don’t lie to me.” Ranmaru’s voice is tired. It’s the best that he can get. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Ranmaru didn’t expect this to be easy. He still wanted to try. Ranmaru would run his hand through his hair. It’s easier this time, considering his hair had already been messed up from earlier. “I saw your laptop Ren. Are you thinking about getting plastic surgery?”

Ren would deadpan. Ren wasn’t mad that Ranmaru had went onto his laptop- he didn’t think that Ranmaru was searching. “Ran-” 

“Please just answer the question, Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. 

“...Yes. I was considering it.”

“Why?” Ranmaru tries to keep the emotion out of his voice, but it’s still deeper than it usually is. 

Ren takes a long moment to respond. “Because I want it. I’m not… how I want to be. I think this could help.” 

“Explain why you want this, Ren. I don’t get it.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet, but he’s doing his best to be calm. Ren’s still on edge, but his answers seem honest. He’s responding, at least. 

Ren’s face seems almost pained. “I look in the mirror and I hate what I see, Ran. And this… it could be the answer. I could change things that I don’t like, and maybe it would help me. Maybe I could look at myself and be happy about it. And it wouldn’t even only affect me- I’d look better. It’d be good for the fans, and for my job.” Ren’s voice drops a bit. “And you, too.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows lower, casting a faint shadow over his eyes. He reminds himself to not invalidate Ren’s feelings, but it doesn’t come easy. Because of course he doesn’t want Ren to do anything to himself. 

“Ren. I like you exactly how you are. And so do your fans. And you always do good at your work. I’m… sorry. That you feel like that, and that I haven’t been here for you through it.” Ren looks like he wants to speak up, but Ranmaru still finishes what he was saying first. “But I’d like to try to find something else, Ren. Somethin’ else that might help, because this is really dangerous, babe.”

Ranmaru very hardly used pet names. That was usually Ren’s thing. 

Ranmaru takes a deep breath, and then he turns to look at Ren with an expression that would keep Ren quiet. 

“I don’t want you doin’ this, Ren. But if I really can’t stop you, and I really can’t change your mind- just don’t go doing any of this by yourself. No matter what I feel about it, I can handle anything as long as you’re not doing somethin’ dangerous behind my back. I want to know what you’re doing, even if you don’t think that I’d agree with it.” His voice isn’t angry, but it’s dead serious. “...I’m not agreeing with this. I’m going to try to talk you out of it, but if I can’t, I want to work with you to make sure that it’s safe and that you’re gonna be okay.”

Ranmaru would hesitate, and then his hand would raise, resting on Ren’s cheek. Ren’s face is drawn tight, but Ranmaru notices that Ren’s eyes are shiny. 

“Ren.” Ranmaru swallows hard. His face isn’t quite as soft as his voice is, but he’s trying. He maintains eye contact the entire time. “I think you’re fuckin’ gorgeous. I don’t know how to make you see that, or if I ever could. I don’t know how to make it better, but I really don’t think you should go so far as to get surgery. It’s just not safe. I’ll stick behind you through a lot of things, but I don’t want to watch you go through this.”

Ren swallows. His jaw sets and he looks away. “I’m sorry but it’s not your choice to make.” Ranmaru lets out a heavy supply, but he does take his hand back, now that Ren’s turned away from it. 

“I know it isn’t, Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice is so quiet that it’s hardly audible. Ren seems surprised, to the point that he turns to look at Ranmaru as Ranmaru continues. “Whether you believe it or not, I’m not tellin’ you to not do this. I’m askin’ you not to. I can’t even start to understand what you’re seein’ when you look in the mirror, because I’ve always been into you. I’m just as into you as I was when I first met you. But I get that I can’t make this choice for you, so all I can tell you is that I wish you’d reconsider, because I don’t think you need it. I don’t think you need anything, if I’m honest. You’re fuckin’ hot as hell, Ren.”

Despite everything, Ren can’t help a small smile at Ranmaru’s phrasing. He’d hesitate for a second, and he’d lean his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder, holding Ranmaru’s hand, the one that was closest to Ren, in both of his own. 

Ranmaru wishes that Ren would just drop this. Of course he does. But he’s glad that Ren’s reacting the way that he is. Ranmaru can’t be messing it up that badly, if Ren’s responding positively to him. Ranmaru’s not as afraid of Ren pulling something stupid behind his back. 

Ranmaru is glad he went to Masato. Ranmaru is glad that he’s kept his temper in check. He couldn’t do this often- but this was a situation that he had to handle differently. 

“I… can’t promise you that I won’t go through with this, Ran. I’ll do more research, and I’ll think about all of the options, but I can’t tell you I won’t.”

“Just look for now.” Ranmaru would sigh a bit under his breath. “As much as I wish you didn’t want this, right now… it’d be enough if you’d promise me you won’t do anythin’ without lettin’ me know.”

“I can promise that.” Ren would squeeze Ranmaru’s hand. “I’ll tell you what I’m going to do before I do it.”

Ranmaru can’t help the sigh, but to equal it, he reaches over with his free hand to set it on Ren’s hands for a few seconds. “Thanks.”

Ren would tilt his head up, and he’d press his lips to Ranmaru’s cheek. His voice is quiet. “Thank you, Ran. I appreciate how you’re handling this.”

Ranmaru has a feeling that he had slipped up, probably more than a few times. Thank God that Ren was giving him credit for trying. 

Ren would take a long time to figure things out, and to decide. 

Ranmaru would give him all the time he wanted. The longer it took, the better, in Ranmaru’s opinion. Ranmaru would set his foot down on one thing, fairly quickly, however. 

“That guy you were lookin’ at? If you go through with this, he’s not the one you’re seeing.”

Ren would look up from his laptop. His eyes are wide under his glasses, and then he’d glance away from Ranmaru. “I received his number from someone that went to him. According to her, it’s cheap but he seemed to do a good job.”

“I don’t give a shit about the price, Ren. I’d pay more to make sure you’re gonna be as safe as you can be. I’d prefer as low risk of a situation as you can get.”

“I’ll be the one covering it, Ran.” Ren’s voice is surprisingly gentle, considering the situation. 

“Not if you’re gonna cut corners. I’ll cover it, if you do it. Or I’ll at least help. Just to make sure you’re gettin’ it done right.”

Ren would sigh, but Ranmaru sounded final. Perhaps this small ‘victory’ for Ranmaru came from his calmness earlier. No matter what it was, he’d take it. 

Ren would eventually decide that he was going to go through with it.

“I know this isn’t what you want for me, Ran, but I’ve decided to go through with it.” Ren would say quietly. 

Ranmaru would stay silent for a long time. “Have you gotten anything set up yet?”

Ren tenses a bit, shaking his head. “Not yet.”

“Send me the info before you book anything. I wanna make sure it’s safe.” Safe doesn’t feel like the right word, but Ranmaru’s reaction would make Ren relax a bit. 

“Of course.”

Ren would find three people before Ranmaru would finally agree. And Ranmaru would be coming with Ren, of course. 

They’d be in the waiting room. Ranmaru is dead silent. He’s been quiet for quite some time. He didn’t want to be here, and he really didn’t want to be here with Ren. He didn’t want Ren to be here at all, more than anything. But Ren wasn’t going to some sketchy black market surgery corner, and Ranmaru was there with him. Ren wasn’t hiding anything from him, or doing something stupid behind his back. 

It wasn’t that Ranmaru invalidated how Ren was feeling- but he’d rather find a different way. If he needed to tell Ren every morning how fucking beautiful and sexy he was, Ranmaru would do it. If Ranmaru needed to spend time to write reminders down on post it notes and put them where Ren would see it, he could do that. It didn’t matter how soft or embarrassing it seemed, if it made Ren happier then he would do it. He’d do anything for Ren. 

Obviously. 

He was sitting in a plastic surgeon’s office right now. 

Ren looked nervous. He wouldn’t have spoken, either. Ranmaru would have tried to reassure him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t tell Ren that it would be alright, because if Ranmaru spoke too long he’d ask Ren to change his mind. He’d ask Ren not to do this. 

“Ren Jinguji?” Normally Ren wouldn’t have given his real name, under fear of being recognized, but there weren’t any other people in the lobby. Ren would reach over, grabbing Ranmaru’s forearm tightly. 

Ren looks scared, and the look sends a pang through Ranmaru’s chest. 

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

There are tears forming in Ren’s eyes. Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow.

Of course he wants to tell Ren that they should leave. Tell him that it’s a good thing that he doesn’t want to do this. But he’s going to be careful. 

“You don’t have to, Ren. It’s not too late to change your mind.”

Ren bites his lip to keep it still. “I can’t.” He’d shake his head. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize. I’ll go pay the missed appointment fee and we’ll get out of here, alright?” 

Ren would look away. Look down. 

Obviously Ren knew Ranmaru didn’t want him to do this- but Ranmaru had also gone so far despite this, because Ren had wanted this. 

It was hard not to feel bad for backing out. 

But Ren was afraid. What if it didn’t make him happy? It was irreversible. What if he became even more miserable? What if Ranmaru found him less attractive? Or his fans didn’t like it? It could ruin his career. Especially if it goes wrong. 

Or what if he becomes the type of person that gets obsessed with getting the surgeries. He has the money from his idol career and his family life to continue getting them, and he doesn’t want that. 

He’d hold in his tears until he and Ranmaru were walking out of the building. Ranmaru has an arm wrapped around Ren’s shoulders, comfortingly. Ren is leaning into Ranmaru. 

“‘M not gonna say anything about it, but I do want you to know that you didn’t do anything wrong Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice is so quiet. “Leaving wasn’t wrong, but comin’ here wasn’t wrong either. I’m just glad you listened to yourself.”

“Thank you, Ran.” Ren’s voice is thick with emotion. 

They’d head home, and Ranmaru would cook dinner. Before they’d go to bed, Ranmaru would kiss Ren’s forehead, and he’d mumble. “I’m proud of you, babe.”

They’d lay down together, Ranmaru’s arms wrapped tightly around Ren. 

For once, Ranmaru is up before Ren. When Ren gets up, he sees the bed empty, but he notices a post it note, the aggressive writing clearly belonging to Ranmaru. 

“You’re the most fucking gorgeous person I’ve ever met, Ren. I love you.”


	20. Chapter 20

The gun in Tokiya’s hands shook wildly. Tokiya had been an agent for years, and less than two years ago he and his fellow agent, Spiky Club, better known to Tokiya as Ran, had retired together. They had been together for nearly five years before Tokiya had told Ranmaru that he was done with the agent life, and Ranmaru agreed to drop the life to go with Tokiya. 

Tokiya was the intelligence of the unit. He always had a gun, but he hadn’t ever injured anyone with it. Beyond training, Tokiya couldn’t remember ever firing it. He didn’t think he would be able to handle taking a life himself. And Ranmaru was the fighter- Ranmaru was the fighter of the group, but between Tokiya and Ranmaru, Tokiya was usually the one that had to be defended. Not the other way around. 

But what else could Tokiya do when Ranmaru was on the ground, coughing up blood, not even able to crawl away from his attacker. Ranmaru had been recognized by a man on the street, and that’s how Ranmaru would up barely conscious, blow after blow managing to land. Ranmaru hadn’t stood a chance because the man had attacked without any sort of warning, and Tokiya wasn’t physically strong enough to stop him. 

The man stopped after Tokiya pulled the trigger. The bullet went right through his chest.

Tokiya was on the borderline of losing it, but Tokiya’s main priority needed to be Ranmaru. Tokiya was a bit smaller than Ranmaru, even if he were also a bit taller- It would take some effort to help Ranmaru because Ranmaru couldn’t hold himself up and Tokiya couldn’t just lift him. So he’d wrap Ranmaru’s arm over his shoulder, and he’d carry most of Ranmaru’s weight, and Ranmaru is so out of it that he isn’t much help. The gun is tucked into Tokiya’s pants. The Agency would take care of it, even if it meant that Tokiya and Ranmaru would be sent away. 

Tokiya didn’t mind. So what if they locked him up? As long as Ranmaru was okay. And Ranmaru would be. He was hurt, of course, but he wasn’t dead and that was as good as it was going to get right now. Tokiya would get inside, somehow managing to get the door open, and he’d gently set Ranmaru down in a chair. He had closed the door behind him with his foot. He’d lock it in a moment. 

He’d drop to his knees in front of the chair, his chest against Ranmaru’s knees. He leans forward, setting his head on Ranmaru’s stomach. He needs to go get the first aid kit, but he has to take a moment while Ranmaru can’t see him to dispel the fear of what would have happened if Tokiya hadn’t been there, or if Tokiya hadn’t done something. Tokiya is gentle with Ranmaru, but there’s a desperation to it. 

Tokiya almost jumps when Ranmaru’s hand lands on the back of Tokiya’s head. 

“You’re going to be alright.” Tokiya mumbles. “I’m going to take care of you.” 

Ranmaru doesn’t say anything. Tokiya doesn’t want to think about how much pain Ranmaru must be in. Tokiya wouldn’t pull away until Ranmaru’s hand had left the back of his head, and then he’d go to grab the first aid kit. 

He would take care of what he could see first, but then he’d have to get Ranmaru to take off his shirt and he felt terrible at the look of pain that would flash across Ranmaru’s face, but he’d take care of the damage on Ranmaru’s chest and sides. He’d ghost his fingers over Ranmaru’s jaw with a deep frown. “I’m sorry I let it get this far.”

“‘S not your fault, Toki.” Ran’s voice is tired and strained. “So don’t worry yourself over it. I’ll live.” 

Tokiya’s face changes for a split second, but Ranmaru’s still in too much pain to catch it. His eyes are mostly closed. Tokiya leaves to go get some painkillers from the bathroom. He has to hold up the glass of water that he brings so that Ranmaru can actually drink it to swallow the pills. Tokiya has to help Ranmaru up again to get him to the bed, helping him out of his jeans before he lets Ranmaru finally lie down. Ranmaru collapses, his eyes closed before his body hits the bed, but it doesn’t stop his pained groan. Instead of pulling the blanket out from under Ranmaru, Tokiya takes his side of the blanket and drapes it over Ranmaru. Ranmaru isn’t conscious enough to argue. 

Tokiya sleeps without a blanket that night, careful not to touch Ranmaru. He doesn’t want to hurt him. 

Tokiya’s thoughts wander to dark places as he lies in bed. Ran had killed people, and as far as he’s let Tokiya know, it doesn’t keep him up at night. At least, not anymore. But Tokiya would do it again, to save Ranmaru, but it doesn’t mean that he was okay with it. He felt like it was so obvious. None of the blood hit him, but it still felt like he was covered in it. Like he was drowning in it. 

Tokiya would fall into an uneasy sleep, and he’d wake up from a nightmare that he can’t quite recall, but the heavy feeling of guilt has settled in his stomach. 

“Toki?” Ranmaru mumbles, struggling to remove his hand from the blankets, trying to reach out to Tokiya. Tokiya catches his hand and squeezes it lightly. He tries to keep his voice calm. “I’m alright.” Tokiya turns, trying to watch Ranmaru’s face. “Are you okay?”

“You were whimperin’.” Ranmaru says, his eyes narrowing tiredly. 

“It’s nothing, Ran.” Tokiya shifts, his hand still holding Ranmaru’s. His head raises, kissing Ranmaru’s forehead. “Go back to sleep.”

“Did you give me your blanket?”

“Don’t worry so much, Ran. Just let me worry about you for now, okay?”

Ranmaru grumbles under his breath, but he’s clearly exhausted, and he gives in, closing his eyes. Tokiya stays still for a long moment, though he has to lay his arm over Ranmaru’s chest to keep Ranmaru from forcing the blanket onto Tokiya. 

Tokiya waits until he’s sure Ranmaru is asleep before he enters the bathroom, closing the door quietly. He turns the faucet on, just enough to get a somewhat steady stream, keeping it as quiet as he can. He scrubs at his hands, taking off at least a layer or two of skin between the pressure and the burning temperature of the water. He can’t get the feeling off of his hands. He bites down on his lip, because he’s started to cry. He looks at himself in the mirror, disgusted. 

Tokiya had taken a life. It was by no means an innocent life, but Tokiya didn’t have to kill him. If he had shot anywhere else, anywhere that wasn’t lethal, he still could have taken Ranmaru away. They could have left, where Ranmaru wouldn’t have been found again- or Ranmaru could have healed and then taken care of himself. He stifles a sob by clenching his jaw and forcing his teeth further into his lip. 

Tokiya makes eye contact with himself in the mirror. He needs to get his shit together, for Ranmaru. Ranmaru was always taking care of Tokiya, and this time Tokiya needed to take care of him. And Tokiya can’t let on that anything’s bothering him, because Ranmaru wouldn’t let it go. 

Ranmaru wasn’t easy to care for, because he liked to deflect the attention off of himself. Tokiya did it, too, but Ranmaru hardly ever let him. But Tokiya was soft for Ranmaru. 

But Tokiya knew that Ranmaru was soft for him, too.

Tokiya was determined to take care of Ranmaru. So he would splash the still hot water on his face, rub it harshly with a towel, and pull himself together. He’d quietly head back to the bed, careful not to trip over anything on his way back to the bed. 

Ranmaru was still asleep, so Tokiya would be extra careful to not wake him. Tokiya doesn’t want to apply too much pressure to Ranmaru, so he’d lay his hand gently on Ranmaru’s shoulder over the blanket, and that’s how he would fall asleep. 

He’s glad that he did, because in the morning, Ranmaru tries to get up. 

“No you don’t.” Tokiya mumbles sleepily. “Lay back down. What do you need?”

“I can move fine, Toki.”

“Sure you can.” Tokiya rubs his eyes, pushing himself up. He looks at Ranmaru. His face is too soft to be considered stern, but he’s trying. “Just stay in bed for today. What do you need me to get for you?”

Ranmaru hesitates, but he settles back down into the bed, muttering. “I was gonna get water.” Tokiya would stand up, but not before he’d fondly run his hand through Ranmaru’s hair. He’d smile softly at Ranmaru and then would head into the kitchen to bring Ranmaru back a bottle of water. Tokiya uncaps it as he heads to Ranmaru’s side of the bed, and Ranmaru stares at him for a long time when Tokiya doesn’t just hand him the bottle. Tokiya raises an eyebrow. “I can drink it myself.” 

“I’m sure you could. But I’m repaying the favor for all of the times you’ve taken care of me, so I’m going to help you.” Ranmaru would sigh, and Tokiya would carefully set his hand on Ranmaru’s back to help him sit up, and then Tokiya would hold the bottle to Ranmaru’s lips. 

Ranmaru seems a bit embarrassed, but he goes with it, drinking the water. Tokiya helps set him back down when he’s done drinking. Tokiya caps the water and sets it on the bedside table next to Ranmaru, heading back over to sit on the bed. “Is there anything else you need, Ran?”

“‘M fine. You can relax. I’m not dying.”

Tokiya’s face doesn’t change. Ranmaru didn’t mean anything by his phrasing, but it throws Tokiya off. Tokiya runs his hand through Ranmaru’s hair. “I’m just trying to take care of you. It’s not often that you give me the chance.” 

Ranmaru scoffs, and Tokiya chuckles. He’d lie down, moving his head so that his cheek is pressed against Ranmaru’s shoulder, but he’s careful to not apply pressure. “I love you, you know? I just want you to be okay.”

“I love you, too.” Ranmaru grumbles, but the statement is genuine. “But speakin’ of being okay- you had a nightmare last night, right?”

“I appreciate the concern, but I’m putting my foot down here, Ran. While you’re healing, I don’t want you to worry over me.” Tokiya’s voice is actually stern this time. Ranmaru glares up at Tokiya for a long moment. 

“I’ll drop it until I’m fine. But then you’re tellin’ me what’s going on.” 

Tokiya sighs, but this is his best chance to negotiate. Especially considering that Ranmaru wouldn’t be changing his mind. “Only if you don’t fight me while I’m trying to take care of you.” 

Ranmaru pauses, his eyes remaining narrowed. “Fine.” 

“Good.” Tokiya leans down, pressing a kiss to Ranmaru’s temple. “I’m going to make you something to eat and get you some painkillers.”

Ranmaru would grunt in affirmation, and Tokiya would head into the kitchen. 

It takes a week before Ranmaru is okay enough to move around with minimum pain. As soon as he can properly take care of himself, he’s already trying to stick to his word of being concerned about Tokiya. 

Tokiya had only woken Ranmaru up one other time, too. Which was good, because he pictured that night in his head every night. 

Ranmaru had tried to get it out of Tokiya two days ago, but Tokiya had pushed it off for two days. 

“Tokiya. Talk.”

Tokiya would set his hand on Ranmaru’s cheek, leaning forward, brushing his lips against Ranmaru’s, only just touching. “Ran.” He lets out a soft sigh, “You don’t always have to worry over me.”

“It’s my job.”

“It’s not. I love that you’re always there for me. I appreciated it when we were in the Agency and I appreciate it now. But you must be tired stressing out over things that you don’t need to.”

Ranmaru scoffs. Tokiya feels Ranmaru’s breath, warm on his face. Ranmaru hasn’t pulled back. “Are you tired of takin’ care of me?”

“I don’t take care of you nearly as often as you take care of me.”

“Yeah, well, if you did take care of me more, would you get tired of it?”

Tokiya stays silent for a long moment, but it’s enough of an answer for Ranmaru. 

“‘S what I thought. Now start talking.” 

Tokiya would pull back with a sigh. “I’ve never taken a life before. I just have to… accept it.”

Ranmaru blinks. “I didn’t even think of that.” Ranmaru had been seated in a chair, Tokiya standing over him, but Ranmaru stands, wrapping his arms tightly around Tokiya. “I won’t lie. I don’t remember what I felt the first time. I know it wasn’t good- and you’re a better person than I’ve ever been, Toki.”

Tokiya frowns. “That’s not true.”

“It is when it comes to this.” Ranmaru says flatly. “Because where our morals lie, yours are undeniably better than mine. But I obviously figured out that you’re takin’ it hard. Tell me what you’re thinkin’.”

Tokiya leans his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru was mostly healed, any cuts he had were scabbed over already and the bruises were beginning to fade. His face still showed where his injuries were, but he was altogether much better than he was. That doesn’t stop Tokiya from remaining to be careful. “I don’t regret protecting you. But I think I could have done it better. If I had to kill him, I wish I’d done it before he hurt you. It was too late anyways, so I should have just shot his arm, or his leg. I aimed, Ran. Somewhere in me I knew that I’d kill him. It hit his chest. I- I know how to shoot. It wasn’t an accident.”

“Toki, you were going through a lot. I can’t tell you for sure what you were feelin’, if you were angry, or scared, or both. Maybe there was somethin’ else you could’ve done, or somewhere else you could’a shot- and maybe this isn’t gonna make you feel better, Toki, but I can tell you that if you anyone had pulled that on you- if you were in my place…” Ranmaru’s jaw sets. “They would not have gotten off nearly as easy as this guy did. I don’t like seein’ you feel like this, but I don’t think you did anything wrong, either, Tokiya.”

Tokiya slides his hands up Ranmaru’s back, and then he pulls back slowly. Ranmaru lets him, and Tokiya moves his hands, cupping Ranmaru’s face. “Thank you for saying that, Ran.” His voice is quiet. “After… our job, this shouldn’t bother me. I’ll get over it eventually.” Tokiya would lean in, pressing his lips to Ranmaru’s gently. “I know you like worrying about me, but I’m okay. At least, I’ll be okay.”

Ranmaru would click his tongue and Tokiya would shake his head. 

“I mean it, Ran.” Tokiya’s thumb would brush over Ranmaru’s cheek gently. His face wasn’t completely healed yet, either. “You’re so good to me, and I love you. But you don’t need to concern yourself with me. Not right now.”

Ranmaru’s face shows how much he disagrees with what Tokiya is saying. How he wants to argue. But Tokiya isn’t going to listen. He’d pull away from Ranmaru, though he finds that he does have to actually pull away. Ranmaru doesn’t just let him this time, but Tokiya slips away anyways. He heads to the kitchen. 

“Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost stern. 

“Ranmaru.” Tokiya’s voice is tight. “I wasn’t the one that was almost killed in this situation. The only thing that I want is to worry about you, and how you’re doing. I don’t matter right now. I just want you to be okay.” 

Ranmaru’s face softens a bit. He follows Tokiya over. “Toki.” His voice is still stern, but there’s a gentle edge to it. Tokiya shakes his head again. 

“I-I’m sorry. I’ll be back.” Tokiya walks past Ranmaru, but too far away from Ranmaru to reach out to stop him. It doesn’t keep Ranmaru from trying. Tokiya grabs his coat, slipping his shoes on only about halfway, walking out. 

He fixes his shoes once he’s out the door, and only when he’s far from the house does he begin crying. When the phone rings, he forces himself to be calm. He hums, trying to make sure he can get his voice to sound as normal as he can. 

“Ran, I’m alright. I just needed to take a walk.” Tokiya normally wouldn’t have answered the phone- but if his point is to keep Ranmaru from worrying about him, not answering Ranmaru’s calls wouldn’t help at all.

“Tokiya, come back home. I don’t like the idea of you walkin’ alone out there by yourself.”

I took care of the main threat. That’s Tokiya’s first thought. It puts a smile that isn’t really a smile on his face. It’s bitter. 

“I’ll be back soon.”

“We have to talk about this, Tokiya.”

“We don’t.” Tokiya’s voice is firmer than he expected to manage. “I’ve told you that I would be fine. That’s the end of that discussion. I don’t want to fight you on this, Ran, but I’m not changing my mind. Now, if you need me, or you’d like a status update, feel free to text. But I’m going to get off of the phone.” Tokiya would hesitate for only a second. “I love you.” He’d hang up. 

Ranmaru wasn’t going to be happy that Tokiya had hung up on him- but Tokiya could deal with that later. 

The bitter tears have returned. 

Tokiya didn’t try to make everything about himself, but sometimes it felt that way. Ranmaru could have been killed. Beaten to death, and yet here Tokiya was, acting like a selfish child. He just wanted to worry about Ranmaru and ignore himself, and Ranmaru was making that difficult. He liked having Ranmaru watching out for him, but it wasn’t fair to Ranmaru to always be caring for Tokiya and not the other way around. 

It had happened for as long as he could remember. Even Ren had been big on that, checking on Tokiya more frequently than any other member. 

Tokiya was supposed to be an equal in his relationship, but he felt like he was taking too much and not giving enough. 

It would be quite some time before Tokiya made his way back home. It had gotten dark.

Tokiya would have had to answer Ranmaru’s texts carefully. 

‘Where are you’ was the most common. He had gotten three texts asking that. The first had come twenty minutes after the phone call. 

Tokiya would have responded that he was still a bit away, but he wouldn’t be out too long. He’d add that he was fine to the end of it. 

The next would come an hour and half after that. 

His message would be that he had lost track of time, he’s heading back now. 

The last would come only a half an hour after the last one, and Tokiya would respond that he was nearly home. 

That was the first honest text. 

He was still a fair distance away, though. At least another half an hour. Maybe forty-five minutes. His legs ached. He had been out for hours. 

Tokiya hadn’t told Ranmaru any hints as to where he actually was because he knew that Ranmaru would leave to find him. Tokiya had walked too far to expect Ranmaru to try to come to him, and Tokiya felt less comfortable with Ranmaru walking out on his own. Especially now that it was night time.

Nothing would have happened on his walk home. 

Ranmaru would be waiting, seemingly tense, when Tokiya would finally walk in. Tokiya had tried his best to keep Ranmaru from worrying, but there was no way that Ranmaru wouldn’t, unfortunately. 

“You look tired.” Tokiya would comment, shutting the door. He wouldn’t even take off his shoes or coat, heading over to Ranmaru, to set a hand on Ranmaru’s cheek. His hand was freezing. 

Tokiya was freezing. When the sun went down, it had gotten cold. 

Ranmaru would really tense when Tokiya’s cold hand would touch his cheek, and Tokiya would move his hand away from Ranmaru, but Ranmaru would grab Tokiya’s wrist.

“Where were you? You’ve been gone for hours.”

“I was just walking, Ran. I just wasn’t paying attention to the time.”

‘Tch.” Ranmaru would click his tongue, and he’d stand, placing his free hand on Tokiya’s shoulder to turn him around and push him down into the chair. Tokiya would move to protest, but Ranmaru’s expression would stop him. “Don’t. Don’t argue with me right now, Tokiya.”

Ranmaru would leave, grabbing the comforter from the bed and coming back. He’d sit down next to Tokiya on the couch, wrapping half of the blanket around himself, over his shoulders, and then wrapping the rest of it around Tokiya as he sits down. He pulls Tokiya closer to himself, wrapping the blanket around them tightly. 

Tokiya closes his eyes, letting Ranmaru pull him closer. 

“Toki.” Tokiya tenses a bit at the serious tone in Ranmaru’s voice. “Talk to me. What’s going on with you?”

“No.” Tokiya says, his voice tired. “I’m fine. I only want to worry about you. I don’t want you to worry about me. Please.” His voice is almost desperate. 

“You make it sound like it only goes one way.” Ranmaru says, his voice a bit flat. “Just because I’m worried about you doesn’t mean you can’t worry about me. And vice versa.”

“It’s easier if I can just focus on you.” Tokiya says quietly. 

“The entire point of me talkin’ to you about this is so that you’re not just repressing that shit, Tokiya. I know it’s easier, but you shouldn’t. I’ve done it a lot, too. It makes it worse.” 

“This shouldn’t be about me.” Tokiya repeats. He feels like a broken record, but that was his strongest thought. 

Ranmaru would sigh. “‘S about me, too. I don’t think you mean to be as obvious as you are, but you stress me out more when you’re trying to hide things.” Ranmaru would bring his hand above the blanket, tapping his index finger against Tokiya’s forehead, right between his eyebrows. “I wish you’d just tell me what you’re thinkin’.” He’d grumble. “It’d be easier for both of us.”

“Right now I’m only thinking about how exhausted I am.” Tokiya would admit. He was comfortable. He was still cold, but between Ranmaru and the blanket he was warming up fast. He’d lean heavier against Ranmaru, and Ranmaru would adjust, so that he was sitting at an angle. Tokiya would end up using Ranmaru’s chest as a sort of pillow.

Ranmaru would sigh. “We should get into the bed.” Tokiya would kick his shoes off and pull his feet up. 

“Do we have to?” 

“I guess staying here a little while wouldn’t hurt.” Ranmaru would mumble. He’d wrap his arms a little tighter around Tokiya and would let his eyes close.

Tokiya would fall asleep, and Ranmaru wouldn’t be far behind. 

Tokiya would wake himself up with his nightmare. He wouldn’t move, he’d just sit there, paralyzed with fear. He thinks he can see someone in the shadows, but he knows it isn’t real. He knows it isn’t real because he can see the blood covering the man, and the dead eyes through the darkness. Tokiya can feel Ranmaru underneath him, but it doesn’t help. Tokiya keeps himself still, not willing to wake Ranmaru. Not for this. 

He doesn’t fall back asleep that night. He stays awake, watching the unmoving figure until the sun comes up, shining through the curtains and getting rid of the shadows, showing the empty room. Tokiya still can’t close his eyes, so instead, he just stays awake with his head on Ranmaru’s chest until Ranmaru wakes up. 

Ranmaru isn’t suspicious when he sees Tokiya awake, having assumed Tokiya had woken up not long ago. 

Tokiya is careful not to let the conversation drift into yesterday’s topic. He’s very careful to act natural, and Ranmaru doesn’t question him. Tokiya suggests a movie, and when he falls asleep during it is when Ranmaru starts to get a bit suspicious. Tokiya would brush it off as feeling under the weather from his walk last night. 

“I knew I shouldn’t ‘ve let you leave.” Ranmaru would grumble. 

Tokiya would squeeze his arm. “I’m fine. With any luck it’s just a bit of lethargy. I bet I’ll hardly get sick.”

Ranmaru would click his tongue, but he’d make sure that Tokiya went to bed early that night. Tokiya was too exhausted to protest. 

It was another night of nightmares. That night, he and Ranmaru had fallen asleep on their respective sides of the bed- Tokiya had gotten into bed first and had just turned on his side, wrapping his arms around his pillow. Ranmaru would have pressed a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead, but would have turned as well. It had been some time since they had slept back to back. 

When Tokiya had awoken with nightmares, he could feel himself trembling. He’d scold himself to get it together, but his body would shake harder with silent cries. This dream had been different. 

He hadn’t killed the man. But he hadn’t saved Ranmaru. 

That was definitely worse. 

His chest would ache painfully. 

Much worse. 

He’d curl in on himself tightly. If Ranmaru were awake, Ranmaru would know. But Ranmaru wasn’t awake. 

Tokiya wouldn’t sleep that night either. But this time, he doesn’t wait for Ranmaru to wake up. When it gets early enough, he goes to take a shower. He steps into the shower, leaning his head against the cold tile. He hadn’t waited for the water to warm up, so he was shivering under the cold spray. But it would wake him up, at least.

By the time he had left the shower, Ranmaru was awake. He wasn’t out of bed yet, just laying there, looking at the ceiling. He’d turn his head to watch Tokiya as Tokiya walks to the closet. Tokiya had grabbed underwear, socks and jeans before he went into the bathroom, so he’d walk out shirtless, digging through the closet. Originally, he would have reached for one of his own shirts, but would have changed his mind at the last second and would have grabbed one of Ranmaru’s sweaters. 

Tokiya would walk over to the bed, his knee landing on his side and he bends down to press a quick kiss against Ranmaru’s lips. His hand would settle on the bed next to Ranmaru. But as Tokiya would move to pull away, Ranmaru would grab his bicep, holding him down. 

“Let me look at your face.” Ranmaru would mumble. His voice was still deeper, husky, from just waking up. His eyes would look over Tokiya’s face. Tokiya had put on a bit of concealer, underneath his eyes, because the shower had helped but hadn’t hidden the bags under his eyes. “Did you get any sleep last night?”

“I slept fine.” Tokiya would reassure Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru would make a noise, but would release Tokiya’s arm. Tokiya would pull himself up. “I have to go to the library today. You’re free to join me if you’d like.”

Ranmaru very rarely joined Tokiya on trips to the library. He’d usually take the time that Tokiya was gone to play his bass- it was a habit that he always had, but he didn’t have time to practice when he was an Agent. He takes it very seriously, now that he’s retired. Tokiya likes it. It’s nice to see Ranmaru happy. 

But that’s what reading was for Tokiya. Something that he didn’t do as much of when he was an Agent, but he did a lot more now that he had the time. 

“I’ll go. Give me twenty minutes.” Ranmaru would force himself up from the bed. Tokiya would have been a bit surprised, but he’d wait. Ranmaru would take a quick shower, and he’d come out and get dressed. He hadn’t brought any clothes into the shower, and Tokiya would shake his head when Ranmaru would come out grumbling about how cold it was. 

“Maybe you should take clothes with you. You’d be warmer, not walking into the living room naked.”

“I’ve got a towel.” Ranmaru would shoot back. “Besides. Are you really complainin’?” 

Tokiya would snort, and he’d roll his eyes at the smirk that Ranmaru would send him. When Ranmaru was dressed, they’d head out. 

“Would you like to grab breakfast first?”

“Sure.” Ranmaru rarely said no to food. That was something Tokiya had learned quite some time ago. 

Breakfast was nice. It was calm.

The library was harder. Ranmaru seemed to expect that Tokiya would end up falling asleep, because he wasn’t surprised when Tokiya did. Tokiya had picked out a few books, and had sat down in one of the chairs. Tokiya figured out quickly that reading wasn’t going to work well, because he couldn’t focus. But it was unlike him to leave the library right after getting his books.

He lasted twenty minutes before falling asleep in the middle of his first page. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t let him sleep long. Ranmaru would have taken his books, to go check them out before coming back. Tokiya’s face is drawn in, scared. Guilty. Ranmaru shakes Tokiya’s shoulder, and Tokiya starts, his eyes wide. 

“C’mon. Let’s go back home.” Tokiya gets up, trying to shake off the feeling. Ranmaru doesn’t speak until they’ve exited the library. “So how long have you not been sleepin’?”

“I sleep.” Tokiya says quietly. 

“Sure. Then how long have you been havin’ the nightmares?”

“Was it that obvious?”

“Painfully.” 

Tokiya would sigh. “I’ve had them for a while. It’s just been the last few nights that it’s been really bad.” 

“Why wouldn’t you just wake me up?” 

“I didn’t-”

“Want to bother me.” Ranmaru says flatly. “You’re bothering me more hiding this shit, Tokiya.”

“What about you?” Tokiya asks, his voice more flat than he meant it to be. “You’re always telling me to tell you what I’m thinking- but you were attacked, out of the blue. You were so out of it that night. And you haven’t said anything about it. You haven’t even brought it up once, Ranmaru.” 

Ranmaru’s jaw would set, and Tokiya’s face would soften.

“I’m sorry, Ran. I don’t- I don’t want to fight. I really don’t want to fight over this, either. Look- you’re… you’re right.” Tokiya would grab onto Ranmaru’s free arm. His other arm held the bag of Tokiya’s books, though Tokiya had tried to take it earlier and Ranmaru hadn’t let him. He’d lay his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder, interlacing his fingers through Ranmaru’s with one hand and holding onto Ranmaru’s hand with his other. “I think it is important to worry about each other. In finding a balance. We can’t go too far one way or the other.”

Ranmaru would sigh. “I mean this when I say it, Toki. I didn’t bring up that night, because I’m used to it. I’ve almost died more times than I can even remember, and I’ve been beat even worse than that. It doesn’t mean anything to me anymore. And I get that you don’t understand that. I know you’ve been hurt before, but you had a different job. You weren’t always out on the field. You don’t know what it’s like, and I’m glad that you don’t. I wouldn’t try to take care of you if I couldn’t handle it.” 

Tokiya would stay quiet for a long moment. 

Ranmaru would sigh. “I didn’t say that to make you feel worse.”

“I know.” Tokiya says quietly. “I know.”

“Look, you’re exhausted. I’m not gonna force you to talk right now. But I’d appreciate if you’d talk to me more. You’ve been very straight forward about feelin’ selfish about it, but you forget that you’re not always in a terrible place. If you were nothin’ but issues, Toki, I don’t think I’d be able to stick around. You’re not always unhappy. I’d even say that you’re usually happy. So I really don’t mind if I’ve got to help you get back on track sometimes. And trust me when I say that I care less when you just tell me what’s going on. It takes a lot more effort to dig it out of you, ya know.”

Tokiya would just nod. They’d get back home, and Tokiya would let go of Ranmaru to open the door. Ranmaru would nudge Tokiya between the shoulder blades, pushing him into the house. “Go get into somethin’ you can sleep in. I’ll take a nap with you.”

Tokiya would nod, and as soon as Ranmaru has closed the door, he’d just slip off his shoes, socks and jeans. He’d climb into bed in nothing but his underwear and Ranmaru’s sweater, and Ranmaru would shake his head. 

“Jesus. You must be exhausted.” Tokiya would make a noise. Ranmaru would lie down, pulling Tokiya closer to himself. Tokiya wouldn’t fight it, instead choosing to let Ranmaru hold him. He’d relax into Ranmaru. “If you have another nightmare, wake me up.” Ranmaru would mumble. Tokiya would make a noise. 

Tokiya would have another nightmare. It would be the one where he wasn’t able to save Ranmaru. Only in this one, he still killed the man, out of vengeance and anger. Revenge. Tokiya had felt the snarl on his face and certainty with which he pulled the trigger. He hadn’t pulled it only once. 

Tokiya wondered if he were really capable of that. Under the circumstances, he thinks he might be. He feels a hand on his cheek and he hears Ranmaru’s tired voice. “Toki? ‘Nother nightmare?” 

Tokiya would swallow hard, and he’d nod. It had gotten darker in the room, but still light enough that he could still see. As well as he could see having just woken up and with his eyes filled with tears. He wouldn’t speak. His hand would find Ranmaru’s shirt and grip it tightly, pressing himself against Ranmaru’s side. 

“Is it about that night again?” 

“Mostly.” Tokiya mumbles against Ranmaru’s side. When he closes his eyes, he can picture Ranmaru’s body. Ranmaru’s hand moves from his cheek, and that hand instead moves to pull Tokiya closer. His other arm shifts, moving so that his hand rests against Tokiya’s hair, pets through it. Tokiya keeps his eyes open, because he doesn’t want to remember Ranmaru’s bruised, nearly unconscious form. He doesn’t want to imagine how Ranmaru would look if Tokiya hadn’t stepped in. 

“What happened?” Ranmaru’s voice isn’t exactly gentle, but his tone isn’t demanding either. It’s a bit tired, but that’s only because Tokiya woke him up. 

“I didn’t do anything.” Tokiya says, his throat closing up on him, making his voice sound strained. “I just… I just watched you die.” 

Ranmaru would sigh. He’d stay silent for a long time. “It was just a dream.”

“Aren’t dreams supposed to mean something?” Tokiya’s lip would tremble. 

“Do you regret not lettin’ me die?”

“Of course not.” Tokiya’s almost taken aback by the question. 

“Then this dream doesn’t mean anythin’.” Ranmaru says with a tone of finality. 

Tokiya feels off. He knows he seems like it, too. But he stays quiet. After a few seconds, Ranmaru would sigh. 

“Give me your hand.” Tokiya would blink, confused, but he’d release Ranmaru’s shirt and he’d lift his hand. Ranmaru would let go of Tokiya to take his hand, and he’d manipulate it, bending all of Tokiya’s fingers except for his index and middle finger. He’d rest Tokiya’s fingertips against the pulse spot on his neck. Ranmaru’s heartbeat is slow, strong and steady. “I’m alive Tokiya. And that’s not going to change for a long time.”

When Ranmaru releases Tokiya’s hand, Tokiya doesn’t move it. He keeps his fingers pressed lightly against Ranmaru’s neck. He closes his eyes, focusing on Ranmaru’s heartbeat. His head is still resting on Ranmaru’s chest. Ranmaru’s now free hand would return to holding Tokiya against him. 

Tokiya tries not to cry. He’s trying to hold it in, but the harder he tries the harder it gets to keep the tears in. He’s quiet, up until the point where he lets out the choked sob he had been trying to bite back. Ranmaru stills, for just a second, but then his hand continues petting through his hair, and he feels Ranmaru’s hand raise, onto his bicep, his thumb running over the fabric of the sweatshirt in a comforting way. 

Ranmaru doesn’t say anything, but Tokiya can’t think of anything that he’d want Ranmaru to say. He feels bad, because he can feel Ranmaru’s shirt dampening. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya doesn’t mean for it to come out as a whimper, but that’s what happens. “I don’t mean to.” 

Tokiya isn’t even sure what he’s apologizing for. What he doesn’t mean to do. Cry? Make Ranmaru worry about him? 

Ranmaru would sigh, almost inaudibly. “You’re fine, Toki.” 

It would be a few minutes before Tokiya would calm himself down. His hand hasn’t moved from Ranmaru’s neck. He’s exhausted himself from crying, blinking slowly, trying not to fall asleep. But with Ranmaru’s heartbeat against his fingertips and his hand petting through Tokiya’s hair, it’s a hard feat. And he’s warm, pressed against Ranmaru. 

He finds himself unable to stay awake. 

Tokiya sleeps through the night without another nightmare.


	21. Chapter Twenty One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings ; torture

Tokiya felt empty. 

The mission had gone terribly. 

Tokiya hadn’t been able to crack into the camera system fast enough, but had gotten so distracted trying that he hadn’t noticed the man sneaking up behind him. 

Tokiya should have been the one knocked unconscious with the metal bar the man was holding- but Ranmaru had seen the man enter the room and had followed him in. He hadn’t announced himself, he had simply attacked, but the camera system still wasn’t shut down. 

The man could see Ranmaru behind him and had reacted in time, landing a hit against Ranmaru’s jaw. Tokiya hadn’t been able to reach his gun fast enough, the man had his own gun out now. 

“Get outta here!” Ranmaru is holding his jaw, having backed up. He’s glaring in Tokiya’s direction. All of Tokiya wants to stay, to help Ranmaru- but the tone in Ranmaru’s voice had Tokiya moving away. 

He had to get Ren. Or Camus. Someone, to help Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would run, despite everything telling him to stay and fight. He wasn’t sure that he’d be able to win. 

It was lose-lose either way, because Ranmaru and the man were gone by the time Tokiya had gotten Camus down to their location. 

Tokiya would have checked the cameras, but it would only confirm that Ranmaru had lost, and had been taken. 

It also would have confirmed that the man had been after Tokiya- because he had tried to follow Tokiya and Ranmaru had stopped him. 

That’s how Tokiya wound up in the apartment with only Ren, and without Ranmaru. Tokiya couldn’t even look at Ren. He would curl up on the corner of the couch, his arms wrapped around his knees, staring at the arm of the couch.

“Toki-” Ren would finally say. His voice has an edge to it- Tokiya mistakes it for anger. It’s nothing but concern, in reality. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s voice comes out pathetically. “He’s gone and it’s my fault. I’m sorry.”

Tokiya wasn’t just disappointed in himself, he was angry. Livid. How could he have been so stupid? He wishes Ranmaru wouldn’t have stepped in. Ranmaru shouldn’t have to deal with the consequences for _Tokiya’s_ stupid mistake. 

“It’s not.” Ren’s voice does sound almost miserable, too. “He’s gone, and I hate that as much as you do, but as much as I hate to say it, this is in our job description. The possibility of this happening. ...If it weren’t Ran, it would have been you, and I’m not okay with either of you being in danger, but Ranmaru’s more… trained for this situation. But we’re going to get him back.”

“You shouldn’t be trying to make _me_ feel better. Ranmaru wasn’t the one they were after. They _shouldn’t_ even have him. I left him, Ren.”

“And they would have gotten both of you if you stayed, Tokiya.” Ren says sternly. “You’re the intelligence, honey. They managed to get Ran and he’s trained in fighting. I’m not trying to invalidate you, but you wouldn’t have won that fight. Not even with both of you.”

That was the end of that conversation. Tokiya would have gotten quiet, and Ren would have wrapped his arms around Tokiya’s waist with his chest to Tokiya’s back and would have held Tokiya, despite Tokiya’s feeble protests that he deserves Ren’s anger, not his comfort. 

Ren’s response would come quickly. “If you’re that against me comforting you, then think of this as you comforting me. It’s making _me_ feel better.”

Tokiya wouldn’t have said anything, but he would have stopped fighting Ren. 

It would have only been a day later when Tokiya would have gotten a strange, coded email. He would have spent twenty minutes cracking it, but he would have tensed when he had decoded the message. 

It was about Ranmaru. 

It was a location, expressly stated that it wasn’t the location of their base or Ranmaru’s location, but just a throw away one that they wanted Tokiya to go to. Tokiya had three nights. Three chances to show up, at midnight. If he did, Ranmaru would be released and Tokiya would be traded. If the three chances passed, Tokiya could expect proof that they had killed Agent Spiky Club. At the moment, supposedly, he was no more injured than he was when he had entered. 

“What is that?” Ren would ask quietly from behind Tokiya. Tokiya would have closed it down, turning to face Ren. Tokiya hadn’t done any work in the time Ranmaru had been missing, and Ren clearly didn’t expect him to suddenly start now. 

“It was a note. They asked that I meet them at a location to be traded for Ran. I have two days, or they’re going to kill him.” It wasn’t two days. But Tokiya had already made up his mind that he was going. He wanted Ren to let him, but he gave himself a day where Ren would think it’s too late. A day where Tokiya would likely be able to slip off, should Ren not let him. 

Tokiya was going to try to convince Ren to be okay with this first. 

Ren’s opinion on the matter would be shown incredibly fast, because Tokiya would see Ren move, feel his back against the wall, and feel Ren pressing him to it. Ren’s hands were on Tokiya’s wrists. Tokiya was well and thoroughly pinned to the wall. “No.” Ren’s voice is almost dangerous. “Don’t even think about it, Tokiya.”

When Tokiya was younger, he had wanted to make a difference. He wanted to do something important with his life. 

This was it. 

This was the moment he had been waiting for all of these years. It was that self-sacrificial moment Tokiya always assumed that he’d go along with, but never expected to actually need to. 

“They’ll kill him, Ren.” Tokiya would say softly. 

“And they’ll kill you.”

“Maybe not.”

“Tokiya, you’re smart enough to know that if you go there that you aren’t going to come back.”

“They need me for something. I’m sure I can work it out.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. Calm. The way that Ren is pinning Tokiya down is as if Ren expects Tokiya to try to physically fight him on this. 

Tokiya wonders if Ren’s trying to prove that Tokiya couldn’t fight his way out of this if he wanted to. He’s not strong enough to break away from Ren. He doesn’t even try.

“Like hell you can.” Ren’s voice is dead serious, and his eyes are narrowed at Tokiya. “You aren’t going and this isn’t a discussion.”

“Do you want Ranmaru to die?” Tokiya wishes he could take that back the second it comes out of his mouth. Ren’s face looks like Tokiya _did_ physically attack him. Ren’s grip tightens on Tokiya’s wrists. 

“Just because I don’t want _you_ dead doesn’t mean I don’t want Ranmaru to be okay. Why does it have to be one or the other, Tokiya?” Ren’s voice is sharp.

“Because that’s the situation, Ren. It _is_ him or me. So it’s my decision, and his. And because he’s not here, that leaves it on me.”

“But even you can’t possibly fool yourself into believing that Ranmaru would ever let you do this.”

“It won’t matter what he thinks if they kill him Ren.” Ren’s grip is so tight on Tokiya’s wrists that it’s almost painful. “Let me go.”

Ren’s face is hard, and it doesn’t change. “No.”

“Ren-”

“No.” Ren’s voice is firmer. He’s had a tone that Tokiya normally wouldn’t argue with for a while at this point, but Tokiya had pushed past it- this time it’s even more dead panned. “You’re not going. I’m done talking about this. I’m not letting you out of my sight, Tokiya.”

“I’m not-”

“You’re done, Toki.” Ren’s voice is still sharp, his nickname sounding unnatural with Ren’s tone. Ren’s hand moves from one of Tokiya’s wrist, but the other doesn’t. He steps backing, no longer pinning Tokiya, but he still has one of Tokiya’s wrists in his hand. “We’ll talk to the heads and then we’re coming back here.”

“You can’t watch me every second, Ren.”

“You’re wrong about that.”

Tokiya was. They spoke to the higher ups who would tell Ren that they would do what they could, and that they’d leave the decision to follow the directions to Tokiya. Ren would have made it very clear to Tokiya that he wouldn’t be following the instructions. 

When they got back to the apartment, Ren would lead Tokiya to the computer. “Open the message.”

“I can’t.” Tokiya’s voice is strained. “It was a popup. I’m not sure how to get it back, and I closed it.”

Ren clearly doesn’t believe him. “Then how exactly were you expecting to go to the location without the location?”

“I memorized it.”

Ren would give Tokiya a long look, and he’d press his lips into a tight line. Tokiya would stare back.

“You’ve told me before that you don’t like being problematic Tokiya. You’re being extremely problematic right now.”

“Because I’m trying to do the right thing, and you’re fighting me every step of the way.”

“You haven’t taken any steps and you aren’t going to. Killing yourself isn’t the right thing.”

“It’s the only thing I can do for Ranmaru.” 

“It’s not. You could pull up that letter and you could send it to the head units and let them handle the problem.”

“I already told them the location. That’s the best I can do. I _could_ be doing more-”

“Stop.” Ren demands. “If you’re not going to show me, then we’ll drop this. I’m not arguing back and forth with you over this. I’m not changing my mind.”

Most of the day is spent in silence, but Ren is a constant hovering presence. Even when Tokiya goes to the bathroom Ren doesn’t let him close the door, and he stands in the doorway. 

“You’re being ridiculous.” Tokiya would accuse. 

“You want to willingly give yourself to people that will kill you if they’re being merciful, Tokiya. It’s your life that’s at stake. Why aren’t _you_ taking this more seriously?”

“Because I’m taking Ranmaru’s life seriously.”

“Would you really be okay giving yourself to them and letting this be our last conversation?” Ren asks quietly.

“You’d get over it.” Tokiya’s voice gets thicker. What Ren had said actually had hit him hard. He had originally planned to convince Ren, not attack him. But he felt so desperate. Tokiya’s lip begins to tremble, and he stops it by pressing his lips together for a moment. “Because you’d have Ran to help you do it.”

“And you?”

He’d die miserable. But Ranmaru would be safe and that would be enough for Tokiya. “I’d know that you have Ran and Ran has you.” He’d answer. “I’ve lived long enough.”

“You’re twenty three.”

“And Ranmaru’s twenty seven.”

“Does that mean you think Ranmaru’s lived long enough? He’s lived more than enough, especially compared to you, by your own logic.”

Tokiya presses his lips together again.

“Tokiya.” Ren’s voice drops. It’s quiet. Serious. “Do you _want_ to die?”

“Honestly? No. I don’t. I have you, and I had Ranmaru. And if I could have a way that I knew I would get that back without doing this, I’d take that option. But I’d rather have him safe and back here, and if that means that I’m the collateral damage then so be it.”

They would fall into a pattern of silence once again. When they’d lay down for bed, Ren would hold Tokiya against his chest, his arms restraints. 

“If I catch you trying to leave, I’ll stay up for the rest of the night.” Ren warns. Tokiya would sigh, but that night, he doesn’t try to move. 

The next day passes the same, and Tokiya is frustrated the entire time.

But he actually pushes it aside. When Ren sits next to him quietly on the couch, Tokiya would lean into him. Ren would tense in surprise, but would wrap his arms around Tokiya, pulling him closer. 

Ren wouldn’t have said anything. Tokiya isn’t sure what Ren thinks Tokiya’s motives are, but neither man brings anything up. Ren still keeps Tokiya in his sights all day. Tokiya wasn’t expecting Ren to change his mind, and Ren doesn’t.

Tokiya sleeps in Ren’s caged arms again that night. 

The next day is grim. Tokiya’s heart aches. Ren must assume the worst. How couldn’t he? The agency is acting grim. 

Tokiya hadn’t told Ren that there was a specific time that he needed to meet Ranmaru’s kidnappers. Tokiya’s future killers, most likely. Tokiya wasn’t dumb. He was positive that Ren was right. He wouldn’t be making it out- even if they did actually need him for something first.

“It’s my fault, you know.” Tokiya would say quietly. “None of this would have happened if I could just do my job right.”

Ren is quiet. Tokiya knew he would be. 

Deep down, Tokiya knows that Ren doesn’t blame Tokiya. But Ren’s dealing with what he believes is Ranmaru’s death. He believes that Ran is gone, because that’s what Tokiya told him. 

Tokiya feels like he deserves the pang that the silence sends through his chest. He isn’t sure whether to smile or sob. 

He does neither. He just sits on the couch, on the far right side. Ren sits on the far left. He had sat almost on top of Tokiya for the last two days. It’s strange, having him so far away. Tokiya’s keeping the distance, but he’s trying to be subtle about it. 

Ren isn’t going to be okay. 

He won’t be okay when he figures out Tokiya’s gone. 

Ranmaru won’t be okay either. Who knows what Ranmaru had been through, and then discovering the news that it was for nothing- because Tokiya was gone anyways. 

But he’d be alive, and he’d come home to Ren. 

Ranmaru and Ren would have each other, and they would get through it together. 

But this is Tokiya’s fault. Ren hadn’t even been able to deny it in his own grief. Tokiya wonders if just maybe, deep down, Ren actually does agree with Tokiya. It’s not something Tokiya asks.

Ren and Tokiya have a few moments, a few moments where Ren would reach out, his touch lingering on Tokiya’s back for just a minute before he pulls himself away. It’s all Ren can manage right now. It’s all Tokiya will have to hold onto. It’s hard, because Tokiya isn’t asking for this. He wishes it didn’t have to be like this. But he’d never put himself before Ranmaru. Not now, and not ever. 

Tokiya stays up later than Ren, and Ren lets him. Ren collapses into the bed, and he’s still. He hadn’t even undressed. Tokiya waits until eleven. He stands where he can see Ren’s face. It looks the softest it has all day, now that Ren’s asleep. Tokiya doesn’t risk getting too near. Tokiya wants nothing more than to do something- to kiss Ren’s forehead, to grab Ren’s hand. To show Ren one last act, to show that he loves him. 

After what Tokiya’s about to do to him, it’s going to be hard to remember. 

‘I’m sorry.’ It’s mouthed. Tokiya can’t say it aloud, because he can’t wake Ren.

Tokiya heads towards the door. He takes so long to open it, and so long to leave. So long to close it. It’s silent. Ren doesn’t come after him, and it is silent inside. Tokiya had done it. There’s no sense of satisfaction, and there’s no sense of disappointment.

Ren didn’t want to choose. Tokiya wouldn’t entertain the thought that maybe Ren _had_ chosen, because that would have meant that Ren chose Tokiya. That couldn’t be right, because he would have chosen Ranmaru, Tokiya tells himself. Tokiya wasn’t doing the wrong thing. 

Tokiya was actually in Ranmaru’s sweatshirt. He hadn’t been wearing it until a few minutes until he left, because if he had worn it during the day, Ren would have been hurting worse. 

It’s all Tokiya is going to have. He didn’t want to leave in his own clothes. 

When he arrives, exactly at midnight, he sees four men, two carrying a slightly slumped Ranmaru. They seem to have been drugging him, because he seems out of it. They had a gun raised to his temple, but they’d lower it when Tokiya shows up. 

They really were going to kill him. Tokiya isn’t surprised. 

“No.” Ranmaru mumbles. His voice is off, but he’s trying to work himself up. “Leave. Fuckin’ leave, Toki, please.”

Tokiya would stay silent. One of the men not holding Ranmaru would nod, and they’d release Ranmaru. He’d fall to the ground on his knees, his hands still behind his back. He’s trying to get up but he can’t. The men grab Tokiya, a hand under each arm. 

Tokiya has accepted his fate. They barely have to drag him. 

He doesn’t look at Ranmaru as they shove him into a car, forcing his head down despite the fact that he’s cooperating. 

They didn’t need Tokiya for anything, other than to take away SAS’s best intelligence agent. 

But the joke was on them. Clearly Tokiya wasn’t the best.

Tokiya didn’t quite go through torture. He was hurt, but only with purpose. 

Like when they took three fingers off of his right hand. His middle, ring and pinkie finger were gone. Tokiya was told they’d be mailed. 

Tokiya wouldn’t have been able to keep in his pained cries, and the sobs as he desperately tried to hold his hurt hand to his chest. To cradle it. 

The only thing that hurt worse than getting his fingers cut off were when they held the burning hot metal to his wounds to cauterize it. Surprisingly, the phantom pain in his fingers had almost been worse. 

That had been less than a day after he arrived. It would only be two days later when they would strap him to a bed, spread eagled, and would have taken off his shirt. 

They’d promise Tokiya that they’d return him- it just wouldn’t be in one piece. 

They’d make an incision down Tokiya’s stomach, opening it, and Tokiya hadn’t ever felt such an intense pain. 

His screaming would almost drown out the commotion outside- but it’s enough to make them set down the scalpel and check it out. 

It hurts so badly with every sob Tokiya releases, but he can’t stop. And then he’s lifted, moved, and that hurts just as badly. Whoever had untied and grabbed him only concerned themselves with Tokiya’s injury enough to make sure that his insides didn’t become his outsides. It hurt to hold himself together, but Tokiya’s uninjured hand would lie on his stomach doing just that. He didn’t want to see his insides. He didn’t want anyone to see his insides. Especially not on the floor. 

Tokiya opens his eyes, but his vision is blurred with pain. He thinks he might even see Ren’s horrified face, and he wonders if he’s dying. If he were dying, shouldn’t Ren have on a better expression? Tokiya wishes that he did. Tokiya would close his eyes. He’d picture Ren’s sleeping face- that was the face he liked better. That was the expression he’d like to see for Ren’s last expression. Someone else moves Tokiya’s hand, and they’re holding his stomach closed now, with two hands. The touch hurts, but not much more than Tokiya’s own hand did, and now he can let that relax at his side. 

The car ride is a new type of pain. Tokiya can feel every bump, pothole and uneven patch, and he can feel every press of the gas and every step on the break. He just wants this pain to end. The whimpers coming out of his mouth aren’t of his own accord. 

Tokiya opens his eyes. He sees a roof of a van, and he notices that his head is lifted. It’s not lying on the seat of the van, and his legs aren’t either. But that’s not what he’s focusing on. He’s look at his bare stomach, and there are two large, pale hands holding his stomach closed the best that they can, but Tokiya can tell that the cut was as deep as he thought it was. He can tell that the layers of skin and muscle have been separated. He really was cut open. 

He follows the pair of hands up. Ranmaru doesn’t look like he’s in great shape. He’s a bit smaller than Tokiya thinks he remembers him, and he’s pretty bruised. But he’s not missing anything. Tokiya feels a hand rest lightly on Tokiya’s forehead and press his head back down. 

Tokiya would blink up, and it would take a second to focus on Ren’s face. Tokiya would close his eyes. 

He must be dying. 

Tokiya would have received medical attention. His stomach would have been sewn shut, and his hurt hand properly bandaged. 

He’s quiet the entire time he’s in the infirmary. 

Tokiya hadn’t seen the reaction that Ren had, when Ranmaru managed to stumble his way into the apartment. They had cut Ranmaru’s hands free just before they left, and Ranmaru would have fallen into the apartment. Ren would woken up, his hand reaching for the weapon that he kept near his bed, but stopping when he had seen Ranmaru. 

Ren would have thrown himself out of the bed, falling onto the floor so hard that his knees would ache, and he’d cup Ranmaru’s face in his hands. 

“Ranmaru.” Ren would breathe out, his eyes already shiny. He’d lean down, kissing Ranmaru so softly but so desperately. He’d pull back, to help Ranmaru at least sit up, to get him into the apartment, and then it would hit Ren- and he’d still. He’d look at Ranmaru, and he’d look at him so closely, because he thinks he knows what he’s going to find when he looks at the apartment. 

Or rather, _who_ he _wouldn’t_ find. He’d turn his head, and his voice is almost shaking. Almost desperate. “Toki…?” He’d call into the apartment. It’s empty. ...Ren knew it would be. His hands are still on Ranmaru, but he’d slowly let go, his eyes starting to show his panic. Ranmaru would grab Ren’s arms before he’d make his way back into the apartment, and there’s a look of pain on Ranmaru’s face that’s unrelated to his injuries.

“They took him.” Ranmaru’s voice is so quiet. “He showed up.”

“He didn’t.” Ren’s voice was pleading. “He only had two days. The two days had already passed, I thought-” Ren would sob. He couldn’t stop himself. 

He had argued with Tokiya to keep Tokiya alive. To keep Tokiya. To keep Tokiya, but lose Ranmaru, and then Ran had returned, but Tokiya had left. Tokiya had gone, and he was going to be gone. Ren had to go through the feelings of losing both of them. There weren’t words to describe how thankful he was to see Ranmaru, but there also weren’t words for how devasted he was that Tokiya wasn’t here.

Tokiya had lied to him. Tokiya said he only had two days. 

Ranmaru would reach out, only just making his arms work properly enough to pull Ren close, holding his head against his chest. 

Ranmaru would cry. Ren would sob. 

Tokiya wouldn’t have heard about any of this. He would only spend three days in the infirmary. It was a deep cut, but they didn’t have the time or resources to keep Tokiya there. 

Tokiya hadn’t received any visitors while he recovered, but the Agency’s infirmary didn’t allow them. Not that Tokiya would have been surprised if he wouldn’t have had any visitors even if he had been allowed them. Tokiya would have made his own way to his apartment. It would have been slow, and he often would have had to stop and rest, even though it was only a ten minute walk. For him, it took forty.

This was Tokiya’s own doing. It was his fault Ranmaru was taken, and it was his fault that he had to go to save him. It was his fault he was hurt, and his fault that he had lied to Ren. 

The only good thing he had done was save Ranmaru. 

If he really could believe what he saw in the car, Ranmaru was alive. Tokiya had done something right. 

Tokiya would have reached for the door knob, and would have realized too late that he had tried to open it with his right hand. 

He’d burst into tears. He didn’t mean to, but after the long, painful, exhausting walk, and the thoughts that plagued him during it, the accidental reminder, the old habit, would be too much. 

“Tokiya?” Ren’s voice is surprised. There are other emotions in it, too, but surprised is the main one. He’d rush forward, only barely setting his bag down upright against the wall to carefully place his hands on Tokiya. His hands find their way to holding Tokiya’s biceps. “You should have reached out to us, we would have gotten you. God, Toki.” Ren cups Tokiya’s face, and then he pulls Tokiya in closer, so carefully. Pull might not even be the right word, because if anything, Ren just brings himself closer. “Don’t ever do that again.” Ren sounds ready to cry. He’s scolding Tokiya, but his voice is shaking. 

“I couldn’t let him die.” Tokiya’s voice is weak. Pathetic. 

“We had another day. If we had known there was another day-”

“It still could have ended bad. It could have ended worse.”

“Tokiya. I love Ranmaru with all of my heart, and I’m so glad that he’s safe and okay- but he _does not_ make losing you better. Your life is not worth less than his.” Ren is crying at that point, but if Tokiya hadn’t seen his tears, he wouldn’t have known. “I’m furious with you Tokiya.” Ren’s voice finally breaks. “I love you, and thinking that you were gone-” Ren seems to be getting choked up. Tokiya’s chest hurts, almost as badly as his stomach. “If we hadn’t found you I don’t think I ever could have gotten over it. When we found… when we found the envelope… I’ve never seen Ranmaru lose it the way he had.”

Another thing that Tokiya would have never heard the full extent of. 

Because they had received the ‘letter’ the same day that Tokiya’s keepers had sent it. It wasn’t left for Ren and Ranmaru, it was left for the Agency- but it had actually been Ranmaru that found it, left near the entrance of the agency. He’d have knelt down to look at it, and would have gotten a sense of uneasiness when he noticed the blood stained bottom of it. 

It wasn’t his choice to open it. Another Agent had seen it and would have decided that they needed to see what was inside. 

Ranmaru didn’t really want to look at it, but he still did. Ren had seen it, too, but only for a second. Because as soon as he had seen the fingers, he’d have covered his mouth, turned away and let out a choked sob. It wasn’t as if he’d never seen anything gruesome before, but knowing they belonged to _Tokiya_ made it different. And who knows what they’d receive next?

Ranmaru would have been seeing red. He would have been frozen, so tense that you could tell just by looking at him, and it would have been Ren’s sobs that would have caused him to snap. He’d have lashed out, in the way he’s been trained to. In anger. He’d swipe his hand across a desk, knocking off papers and pens, and he’d make his way to one of the people that had some power in the room, grabbing the man by the front of his shirt, his lips pulled back in a snarl. 

“I’ve already told you where he is. Why aren’t we there? Why are we just sittin’ around with our thumbs up our asses instead of fuckin’ doing something?”

Normally Ren would stop Ranmaru. 

Ren doesn’t. 

“Agent Spiky Club, pull yourself together.”

“You’ve already just lost a valuable resource when _he_ lost what he needs to do his job, and it’s _your_ fault. You’ve got your information, now do something with it.” 

Ranmaru had stormed out. Ren had followed, mostly to make sure that Ranmaru didn’t try to go off to save Tokiya alone. Ren hadn’t let Ranmaru out of his sight. He wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. 

Ren would pull back from Tokiya to open the door, taking a second to pick up his bag, and his other hand rests on Tokiya’s back. Ranmaru had almost been hit by the opening door, drawn to it by the noises. Quite a few emotions flash across his face when he sees Tokiya, and he seems like there’s a lot he wants to do. A bit stiffly, he settles on opening the door wider and taking the bag from Ren as Ren helps Tokiya inside. 

Tokiya heads for the couch. He’s still hurt, and he’s in pain. An excruciating amount, because the infirmary was very good, but painkillers weren’t something they gave you. Tokiya hadn’t even been given anything when they stitched him up. Not to mention that he’s tired. Ren would redirect him, towards the bed. Tokiya would just go with it.

He would immediately go to lie down on his back, and the closer he got to being able to lie down the more desperate he’d feel to be off of his feet. Ren would take his shoes once he was down. 

Tokiya is so tired. Tokiya is in pain, and he feels guilty, and he’s not crying anymore but it’s still very obvious that he had been crying. Tokiya’s eyes are already closing before Ren’s returned to the bed, but he’d hear Ren mumble, “Ran, will you help me?” And then Tokiya would have felt a hand move underneath his back, and under his knees, and Ren would have very carefully lifted him. There’s a bit of pain from moving, but it’s not much worse than he already feels. He opens his eyes, and finds that they’re already heavy. He was beyond physically exhausted. Tokiya normally never fell asleep this easily. 

He could tell immediately that it was Ren who had picked him up. He’d notice Ranmaru, pulling the blanket back away from the bed. Tokiya would close his eyes again. He was already in lounge clothes, because he wore sweats and tee shirts when he was in the infirmary, so they didn’t make him change. Which is good, because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to. Ren would set him back down gently, and Ranmaru would put the blanket over him. 

Tokiya would have really appreciated it a few hours later, because he would have woken up, shaking and freezing, even with the blanket. He’d pull it closer, curling in on himself as much as his stomach would allow him to. He’s in the bed alone, but he notices that Ren’s brought a chair over, sitting near the bed. He reminds Tokiya a bit of a babysitter. 

But he would notice Tokiya’s shivering, and he’d stand, heading to the closet to grab another blanket, wordlessly. 

“R-ren?” Between his chattering teeth and his already timid voice, it comes out more pitiful than Tokiya meant for it to. 

“Hmm?” Ren would pause, turning to Tokiya. 

Tokiya would swallow hard. His voice is almost inaudible. “I kn-now I d-don’t deserve to ask this, b-but-” As he speaks, Ren would have unfolded the blanket, to put it around Tokiya. He’d tuck Tokiya in, and Tokiya can feel the act in his chest. It takes effort to keep tears out of his eyes. “Will you p-p-pretend like you a-aren’t mad? Just f-for today?”

Ren’s face would soften, and his warm hand would press against Tokiya’s cheek. If Tokiya wasn’t so freezing, he’d have lifted his hands from under the blanket to hold Ren’s hand against his face. “Baby,” Ren’s voice is gentle. “I wasn’t trying to make you feel even worse. I know you already feel bad.” Ren would lean down and press his lips against Tokiya’s forehead. “I’m only mad because I love you, Toki. But we can save this talk for when you’re feeling better.”

“W-will you lay down with m-me?” Tokiya feels like a child. 

“Of course I will, darling. Do you want me to get Ran?”

“Please.” Tokiya’s voice sounds almost desperate. 

Ren wouldn’t have left the room. He simply would have stuck his head out of the door and called Ranmaru’s name. He hears Ren mumble to Ranmaru outside of the door, but Ren is the only one that reenters the room, though the door stays cracked open. 

“He’ll be right in. Where do you want to be?”

The middle. Tokiya knew his answer. But his body was already sore from the shaking and the chills hadn’t left- moving himself was going to be difficult. But he would still try. Ren would kneel on the side of the bed to help Tokiya. The door would open, and Ranmaru’s holding a cup. Ren would have helped Tokiya sit, and it hurts, but he’d do it. Ren would sit down on the bed next to Tokiya, and Ranmaru would hand the cup to Ren. Tokiya can read the conflicting emotions on Ranmaru’s face again. 

It was tea. Seemingly quickly warmed up, but warm nonetheless. Tokiya really hadn’t had much of an appetite, and had barely been drinking in the past few days, but he’d still do his best with drinking the tea. The warmth from it did help. He could have held it himself with his left hand, but his hands were shaking badly, and Ren would help Tokiya with it. Tokiya’s chest feels tight, the same way it did when Ren tucked him in. 

Tokiya couldn’t drink more than half of it, but his teeth have stopped chattering. Ren would set the cup down. 

“Thank you.” Tokiya would say quietly. Ren would smile at him. There are a lot of emotions in his expression, too, but Tokiya had a harder time picking them out than he did with Ranmaru, and even then he still couldn’t tell all of the emotions on Ranmaru’s face. Ranmaru would grunt, and he’d make his way to sitting on the other side of Tokiya. He had shut the door and closed the curtains, making the room dim. It was already dusk. Ren would help Tokiya lie back down. Tokiya’s chills were almost entirely gone, especially when both Ren and Ranmaru had gotten under the blankets with Tokiya. 

Tokiya wishes that he could lie on his side, but just picturing the action sent pain through Tokiya’s stomach. He’d hold his right hand close to his chest, awkwardly, because he’s almost afraid to touch Ren with what was left of his hand. 

Ren would have turned on his side, carefully putting his hand on Tokiya’s wrist. “Does it hurt?”

“It… does. But that’s not why… I just… don’t want to touch you with it, I guess.” Tokiya admits. “It’s…” Tokiya can’t think of a word to explain it. “I’m not comfortable with it.” 

Ren’s head presses to Tokiya’s shoulder, gently holding onto to Tokiya’s wrist. “I understand. But I hope you don’t think that _I’m_ uncomfortable, or grossed out. I hate that it happened and I still wish you hadn’t left- because as happy as I am to have Ranmaru, I’m not happy that I almost lost you. But your hand doesn’t bother me. If anything, I’m glad it wasn’t even worse.”

Tokiya’s face softens. He wants to move closer to Ren, but he physically can’t. Ren is either thinking the same thing, or he senses it, because he lays his head on Tokiya’s shoulder, his hand moving to Tokiya’s chest. 

Tokiya would close his eyes. 

The other Agency was livid that they had failed at their goal. Unfortunately, SAS had made a mistake only a few months after Tokiya had gotten back, by not sending enough Agents on a sketchy mission. 

A total of five Agents had been captured after the other Agency had ambushed them. They demanded Tokiya, or an Agent of equal worth. Tokiya felt popular in the worst kind of way. Tokiya also realized that Ranmaru had just been terrible luck- they must not have realized that Tokiya and Ranmaru had something more than a partnership going on. 

Tokiya would have been the first to get word of it, because the heads of the Agency would tell him the same thing they told him when Ranmaru had been taken. 

It was up to Tokiya if he chose to do this or not. 

Tokiya was already back in the apartment when Ren and Ranmaru had found out the news. Tokiya would have realized they had heard when the door would open, and Ren would enter, his face looking almost panicked. Tokiya would have jumped when the door opened- out of surprise, though Ren would have taken it as guilt. 

Ren must think that Tokiya was planning to go. Tokiya isn’t sure what he thinks. He isn’t happy that these Agents are taken because of him- but he was scared. He wasn’t in pain anymore, but his scar and his hand were constant reminders of what had happened to him, and he didn’t want to go through that again. 

They were going to cut him open and empty him out. Tokiya could hardly think of a worse way to die. A more painful way than that.

Ren wouldn’t bother to close the door, walking in and pulling Tokiya into a tight hug. It feels restraining. Tokiya would just stay quiet. 

He would spent the rest of the day being forced between Ren and Ranmaru. He wasn’t let out of their sight.   
“I’m sure you know this, but you aren’t going.” Ren would have told him. Tokiya would have just remained silent. Part of him wanted to tell Ren that Ren was right. He wasn’t. But too much of him felt like a terrible person for saying that.

It was one thing for Ren to say it- because he didn’t want to lose Tokiya. It was another thing for Tokiya to say it. To say that he’d let five people die because he wanted to live.

Tokiya would have been held down, by both Ren and Ranmaru when he had gone to sleep, in the middle of the bed. He would have been woken up by a strange feeling, a pressure on his wrists. He’d still feel arms around his chest, but he’d blink, opening his eyes to figure out what was going on. He’d wake up more when he’d realize that the feeling was Ranmaru, putting handcuffs around his wrist, looping the chain through the bars of the headboard. 

“What are you doing?” Tokiya is awake now, his eyes wide. He feels the grip on his chest get tighter, as if he’d really be able to move. 

“I’m gonna go help them try to get those Agents back.”

Tokiya would feel panic. “If I’m not allowed to go, why are you?” That didn’t quite come out right, but it was too late to take it back. 

“‘M not going on location. Just helping them plan it out.”

“Why do I need to be handcuffed, Ranmaru?”

“It was my idea.” Ren would say quietly. 

Tokiya chest would constrict, “You’re not leaving me here, too, are you?”

Ren’s hand runs up and down Tokiya’s chest in a comforting manner. “Of course not, honey. I’m staying here with you. I just... Can’t risk messing up again. I’m sorry.” 

“I won’t leave, please Ren.”

“I’m sorry.” Ren repeats. “But until Ran gets back, I’m going to keep the handcuffs on. If you need anything, I’ll get it.”

“I’ve gotta go. Sorry, Toki.” Ranmaru would head towards the door, but Tokiya would strain, trying to get out. 

“Sssh.” Ren would hush him, his voice soothing and his grip tight. “He’s not doing anything dangerous. I wouldn’t let him leave if I thought that he was. Believe me on that, Toki. I’m not losing either of you. Not again.”

“They’re not _you_ Ren. They’re not you, and they’re not Ran. You don’t need to force me to stay, I’m not going to leave.”

“...I want to believe you, but I can’t risk it again, Toki. The last time I nearly lost you and I can’t handle that again.”

“How long are you planning to keep me like this, Ren?” Ren would be silent, and Tokiya’s voice would get a bit higher, panicked. “Ren?”

“Calm down, honey.” Ren’s hand moves, his fingers trailing softly down Tokiya’s throat. Tokiya can feel Ren’s foread, resting between his shoulder blades. “It’s three days. That’s the limit.”

“I still don’t understand why you let Ranmaru leave, if you’re so determined to keep me that you’d lock me up.”

“He didn’t leave.” Ren’s voice would crack. It sounds pained. “You lied to me and then snuck out.”

“It isn’t as if he wouldn’t have done the same thing. Do you really think he would have stayed?”

“They aren’t asking for him, Toki, they’re asking for _you_. And I really believe that Ran isn’t going to go onsite. I’ve made it very clear that I don’t want him to.”

“So you don’t trust me.” 

Ren sighs. “With this? No. I don’t.”

“Please uncuff me, Ren. I won’t leave you.”

“I’m sorry.” Ren’s voice has a grim finality to it. “When Ran gets back I will. But while he’s out, I can’t.”

“Why, Ren? You’re right here.”

“I don’t trust myself, either, Toki.” Ren’s voice is so soft, almost child-like. Tokiya pulls again at the handcuffs. He wants to wrap his arms around Ren, and he can’t. 

“That was my fault, Ren. You can’t blame yourself for something I planned.”

Ren would stay quiet. Tokiya would go silent, too. 

That day Ren would feed Tokiya, and help him drink. The only reason Ren would let Tokiya out of the restraints would be to go to the bathroom, and Ren would wait by the door. 

Tokiya would only hesitate on the way back to the bed, and he’d wrap his arms around Ren. “Ren, please. I won’t leave. If I were going to try I’d have done it now.”

“Tokiya-” Ren’s voice sounds pained.

Tokiya’s eyebrows are drawn in, and he’d sigh. “Can we meet in the middle? Will you at least leave one hand free?”

“I can do that.” Ren’s answer comes quicker than Tokiya expected- but this was better than nothing. Tokiya would have sat up in the bed and Ren would have put one of the handcuffs on Tokiya’s right wrist, connecting the other end towards the bottom of the headboard. 

True to Ren’s word, when Ranmaru had come back later that night, he would have released Tokiya’s wrist. 

Tokiya would immediately get up from the bed. He didn’t like staying in bed all day. Ren would bring him anything he asked for, but it wasn’t the same. He’d rather just get it himself. 

“You’re both being ridiculous.” Tokiya would frown, now that he was freed. He’d rub his wrist, even though it isn’t sore. He wasn’t struggling, and they didn’t put it on very tightly. It was to help his point. “I’m not going to leave.” His voice sounds exasperated. “What I went through was horrible, and I hope that none of the captured members are going through that- but I left because it was _you_, Ran. It wasn’t just a hero complex, it was because I couldn’t be the reason you died, Ranmaru.”

Tokiya had gotten a bit worked up by the time he finished, and Ranmaru would frown. “It wouldn’t ‘ve been your fault.”

“Of course it would have. I got myself in the situation where you had to save me, and then I didn’t help you. And if I hadn’t have gone, that would have been on me, too. You shouldn’t have been in that situation in the first place. And-”

Tokiya would freeze. 

If Tokiya didn’t go, they’d realize that Tokiya’s willingness to give himself over wasn’t because it was agent, but because of who the agent was. 

“What, Tokiya?” Ranmaru’s voice is careful, and his eyes would narrow. Ren is tense. Tokiya’s realization must be obvious on his face. 

“We need to leave.” Tokiya’s voice is strained. It’s his honest, genuine answer. There’s a second of silence, as Ranmaru and Ren take in Tokiya’s words. They seem surprised, and then Ren relaxes, and Ranmaru’s glare lightens. “I don’t want them going after you, Ran.” 

Ranmaru would sigh, and he’d walk forward, pulling Tokiya to him. When Tokiya was pressed against Ranmaru’s chest, Ranmaru’s other arm would wrap around him. 

“If you wanna leave, we’ll leave.” Ranmaru would say. “We can do that.”

“Absolutely.” Ren would add quickly. He’s moved over near them. “I think that’s a very good idea, honey.” He’s moved behind Tokiya, resting his chin on Tokiya’s shoulder. “I just want both of you to be safe, and I think that’s a great way to do it.”

So that’s what they would do. 

The Agency took it a step further, too, because they faked Perfect Diamond’s death. It came at the cost of Tokiya never having a place back in the Agency, but Tokiya couldn’t say that he cared. 

The life they were given was in a fairly rural area, but it was nice. They weren’t close to anything, but Ren liked driving and had no problems going to get something that they needed. 

It would be years afterwards, and everything had been going relatively fine, until Tokiya’s nightmares started. The nightmares weren’t the problem, it was Tokiya’s refusal to talk about them. 

Ren and Ranmaru didn’t even know that he was having them again. He had very few of them over the last few years, and usually it was just one night every now and then. 

Where the problem _really_ stemmed from was Tokiya’s lack of sleep. He’d just lie there, awake, too afraid to fall asleep. He had begun to get sleep paralysis at times, too, when he would sleep. The fear was so exhausting. 

He and Ranmaru were often at each other’s throats, because Tokiya was tired and miserable and snappy, and Ranmaru was always so gruff. He didn’t mean to be, and he didn’t mean anything by it, but when Tokiya was that irritable, it didn’t matter. 

Of course, it was all emotions that Tokiya’s sleep deprivation affected. He was delirious, at best. 

Especially after a specifically rough exchange with Ranmaru that had both of them fuming. 

“I think I’m going back to the Agency.” Ranmaru would say flatly, only a few minutes after their fight had ended. 

Tokiya would have frozen. Any anger, irritation and annoyance had gone completely, replaced with a cold fear. He felt like he had been doused in cold water.

“What?” Tokiya’s voice comes out harsher than he meant for it too. 

“I think I’m goin’ back.” Ranmaru repeats, his face set with a hard expression. Ren had been in the room the entire time, and he’s dead silent. Clearly this wasn’t entirely out of the blue. Ren obviously knew. “I’m good at the lifestyle, and you and I aren’t gettin’ along as it is. It doesn’t make livin’ this life any easier for me. I’m not sayin’ I wanna break up with you, but I think we need space. Least for a while.”

The only thing in Tokiya’s head is the need to leave. He feels so empty, which doesn’t match the strong feelings of fear that are also creeping up on him. He feels so upset right now that he feels physically ill, so he stands, to move to the bathroom. He doesn’t look at Ranmaru. He doesn’t look at Ren. His expression isn’t angry- it’s lost. His walk isn’t angry either, just a big urgent. Tokiya can’t see straight. He doesn’t feel steady on his feet, and he’s so out of it that he reaches for the door to the bathroom with his right hand, and he freezes, staring at his mangled hand. 

He opens the door with the left, and he falls to the toilet in time to throw up everything in his stomach. 

The door is still wide open. If he looked over, he’d see that Ren had followed him, and Ranmaru is there, though at a distance. 

Ren. 

What if Ren went with Ranmaru? Of course he _should_. 

Tokiya snaps, as soon as Ren’s hand lands on his back. He sobs. He sobs so hard that his stomach starts to hurt. Right over the very, very faint scar over his stomach. His hand is on fire. His dreams are coming back to him full force. Back then it was him, but what if it’s Ran next time?

But if Tokiya isn’t there, maybe Ranmaru will be okay. 

Tokiya won’t get to know. He can’t know anything about Ranmaru while Ranmaru is an Agent. 

If anything happened, it would be Tokiya’s fault. Tokiya pushed him to decide this. 

Tokiya curls away from Ren’s hands, moving to lie on the floor, curling around the toilet, trying to hide himself with his disfigured hand. His sobs are so intense that the noises coming out are nothing but panicked whines, and he knows he’s having a panic attack right now. 

“Tokiya, I’m sorry.” Ranmaru’s voice is so grim. It barely registers to Tokiya. But what is he sorry for? The way Tokiya is reacting?

Ren wouldn’t have backed off. Tokiya isn’t surprised. He thinks he’s scaring them. 

His good hand moves to his hair, curling into a tight fist. Everything hurts. He feels like he’s pulled something in his stomach from his crying. 

Rationally, he knows that Ranmaru isn’t gone. He knows that Ranmaru’s in the doorway, unsure of if he’d make the situation worse if he got closer. But it feels like he’s already lost Ranmaru.

Ren’s hands are on him. There’s one on his back and his stomach. His hand slides over Tokiya’s shoulders to try to get Tokiya to sit up. 

Tokiya is shaking, and he’s dead weight. 

Tokiya was going to be alone. It had been so long. The last time he truly felt alone was when he had gone to his own death. It didn’t matter that they were here, he felt like he was alone again. 

He was so tired. And with his heavy duty crying, he could feel his eyes getting heavy, but he couldn’t fall asleep. 

He’d shake his head, but he can’t pull himself away from Ren. 

“I want to be alone.” Tokiya would sob out.

It had been almost three days since he had actually slept. The only reason that Ren and Ranmaru weren’t overly suspicious is because Tokiya had been acting like this for so long. And he washed his face, and he wore makeup- but his face had become hollow some time ago over time. 

“Toki-”

“Please. Ren, please.” Ren seems to force himself to let Tokiya go. 

“I’ll leave, if you leave the door open.” Ren would say quietly. 

“Fine.” Tokiya’s voice sounds miserable, and it comes out in a hiccup. As soon as Ren steps away, Tokiya pulls himself into the bathtub. Ren hesitates when he sees Tokiya do that, but Tokiya just curls up on the floor of the tub and returns to his hysterical crying, curling in on himself. Ren sits down again, leaning against the door. It’s not far enough, but Tokiya doubts that he’ll go further. He thinks he hears Ranmaru sit down in the hallway.

Tokiya sobs and hiccups for a long time, and then he finally can’t keep himself awake. 

Tokiya’s nightmare today is even worse than usual. Tokiya is alone, by himself in the house, but it’s not right. He’s taken. The house is broken into, and he’s returned to the other Agency. To the room he often finds himself in while he’s dreaming. 

But he realizes that in his dream, Ren and Ranmaru weren’t there. They were safe. 

He could view it that he was taken because he was alone, or he could take it that Ren and Ranmaru were safe because they weren’t there. 

Tokiya wakes up in the bed. Ren and Ranmaru aren’t in the room, but it doesn’t take long for Ren to check in on him to see he’s awake. 

“Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is careful. Cautious. Tokiya would blink at him. “You’ve been out for almost a day.” His voice is still so gentle, and he walks into the room, to sit on the edge of the bed. “...What happened? Ran and I both knew you wouldn’t take it well but…”

“I need some time to think straight. I was… tired.”

“And how long have you been that tired?” Ren’s voice is now quiet. 

“It’s been a long time.” Tokiya’s voice is very, very hoarse. He may have pulled something in his _throat_. His body is sore, too. 

“You should eat something. Can you get up?”

“In a moment.” Tokiya’s body felt so heavy. 

“Then I’ll make something now, and you can come eat it when you’re ready.” Ren would squeeze Tokiya’s arm. 

Tokiya eventually does, and he believes he’s gotten his thoughts as in line as he could. Ranmaru watches him with an unreadable expression. He likely feels responsible. He shouldn’t.

After he’s done eating, Ren asks him to come over to the couch. Tokiya sits on the couch, and he’s inbetween Ren and Ranmaru. He pulls his legs up, his knees bent to his chest, and he wraps his arms around his knees. 

“What happened?” Ren goes with the same question. 

“I have… too many conflicting emotions about the Agency and the lifestyle. I’d… never want to go back and I couldn’t, even if I wanted to.”

“I’m not going to go back.” Ranmaru would say quietly. 

“That’s not- I… I want you to be happy, Ran. If this is what you want to do, I can’t stop you. I don’t want to.” Tokiya’s voice is upset. He can’t help it. He feels tears prick his eyes. His calmness sparks something in Ren, who finally wraps his arms around Tokiya. “It’s okay. I’ve been alone before.”

“Toki-” Ren’s voice is almost strained. “I’m not leaving. Even if Ranmaru chooses to, I’d still be here.”

“You shouldn’t.” Tokiya wipes at his eyes. “It’d be better for you to be with Ran. He’d need you more than I would.”

They both get quiet. They’re likely thinking to last night. 

“Why have you been fightin’ with me so much, Tokiya?”

It’s Tokiya’s turn to be quiet. “I haven’t been sleeping very well at all lately. I’m sorry I’ve been so terrible to you.”

“How long is lately?”

“As long as I’ve been acting horribly to you. I… the nightmares are back, and I can’t get them to go away.”

Ren’s eyebrows would draw in and his arms would tighten around Tokiya. “I wish you would have told us, baby. Of course you’re going to be miserable if you’re afraid and sleep deprived.”

When Ranmaru reaches for Tokiya, Ren lets go of Tokiya to let Ranmaru hold him, and Tokiya doesn’t fight Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s grip is tighter than Ren’s. Almost protective. 

“I won’t leave, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet and serious. “You just have to talk to us. I want us to work, Toki. It’s been years. Just tell us.” Ranmaru sounds frustrated, and rightfully so. 

“But do you actually want to stay?” Tokiya asks quietly. “I don’t want you to go. I don’t want to push you away. But I don’t want to keep you here if you’re not happy.”

“I’m not happy when you’re attackin’ me. But I’m happy with _you_, Toki. If I wanted to choose the agent life over you, I wouldn’t have stuck around this long. I was running out of options. We weren’t gettin’ along, and what’s the point in sticking around if we’re only going to fight? Of course I don’t want to be pushed out. Let’s just… get you sleeping again. If it’s still a problem, we can talk about it then.” 

Tokiya would nod. 

It wouldn’t be a problem. Now that they knew about the nightmares, they ensured that Tokiya wasn’t staying up all night. They’d check on him, whoever he was facing, to make sure his eyes weren’t open, and to make sure his breathing was steady. To make sure that he was actually asleep. 

They’d fall back into the pattern of waking up to calm Tokiya down. 

It wouldn’t be easy, but with both of them being far more attentive, the nightmares were slowly becoming less and less horrible. 

He was sleeping. 

He wasn’t fighting with Ranmaru nearly as much, and even on nights where he was particularly bad and mornings where he was more irritable than normal, Ranmaru had started leaving the room, and the arguments were not nearly as bad. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t leave.


	22. Chapter Twenty Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings ; directly implied nonconsent, human trafficking

Tokiya and Ranmaru were happy in high school. They were best friends and highschool sweethearts, and Tokiya had really hoped they’d last. 

They were close, up until Ranmaru was twenty and Tokiya was nineteen, and Tokiya’s guardian had collaborated with a human trafficking agent and had put Tokiya up for sale. 

Tokiya was sold as a slave. He was treated as a sex slave for over five years, until one of his owner’s freinds who had always been kind to him had helped Tokiya escape. 

Unfortunately, that left Tokiya on the streets, because he couldn’t bring himself to go to the police station. Of course what he was involved in was illegal, but not his fault- the real reason he didn’t go beyond not wanting to relive it or become more of a target was because he didn’t have any real information. 

He was only to call the man who owned him his owner, or master. He didn’t even know the man’s full name. He had run like a bat out of hell, so he didn’t even really know where the man lived. 

Not to mention that Tokiya had no idea where the location he was sold at was, or how the operation ran. He was a scared nineteen year old kid who had been shoved, shaking and scared, into a pair of handcuffs and forced, naked and on his knees, in front of a group of leering men and woman and who was then shoved into the back of someones truck in a cage meant to fit a large dog, not a human being. 

For five years he thought of Ranmaru. He’d daydream about finding him again. 

Tokiya was on the streets now, but even five years later that’s all he wanted. He stayed in an area he recognized. He didn’t remember where Ranmaru lived, or even if he lived there. Tokiya couldn’t go to his own house. He had one outfit to his name and twenty dollars, the only thing that he was given by the man who helped him escape. 

Tokiya was happier right now than he could remember being since Ranmaru. He’d rather sleep on the streets than he would on the floor of his owner’s house. 

It would have been three days that he would have been out on the streets when he would have noticed something that would have made his heart stop. 

He’d recognize Ranmaru’s face anywhere. Ranmaru _was_ still in the area after all. He’d make a choked noise, sitting up, and it’s enough to get Ranmaru’s eyes to glance in his direction. For a second, when his dual colored eyes would move away from Tokiya, Tokiya could feel his world ending. He’d drop back on his heels, already feeling tears spring to his eyes. 

Did Ranmaru not recognize him? Did Ranmaru not care?

But then Ranmaru’s eyes would move back to him, an almost surprised look on his face, and then he would freeze, staring at Tokiya with wide eyes. Like he had seen a ghost. 

Tokiya couldn’t bring himself to be hopeful again. Even though Ranmaru was reacting to him. He was afraid. Afraid that Ranmaru would pull himself together and keep walking. But when Ranmaru moves, it’s towards Tokiya. 

Ranmaru’s voice is so thick with emotion that it’s almost hard to make out his name when he says it, and his face is so cautious. “Tokiya?”

Tokiya is crying at this point. He’d cautiously lean against the wall, pulling himself up but still keeping some distance. It’s difficult, but Tokiya can’t scare Ranmaru off. If Ranmaru leaves, Tokiya will have lost everything. 

Tokiya only knew that he had been gone a long time- but Ranmaru really did look like an adult now. It was crazy what little time had made him look so much more… mature? Ranmaru was only twenty when Tokiya was separated from him. “Ran?” His voice is so hoarse. He hadn’t spoken much in a long, long time. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t hesitate to pull Tokiya closer, into a tight hug, and Tokiya would return it, sobbing into Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“I thought you were dead.” Ranmaru’s voice doesn’t sound right. There are so many emotions going through it. Relief, pain, anger. Tokiya only holds onto him tighter. 

Ranmaru would have taken Tokiya back to his apartment. Ranmaru lived by himself, though it was a two person apartment. The other room was technically a guest room, but it was, more than anything, a room for extra things. And a music room. He had three bases in there, though he had four in total. His favorite was in his room. 

“We’ve got so much to talk about.” Ranmaru says quietly. “But I’d bet you haven’t eaten recently. You wanna take a shower and I can make you somethin’?” 

That’s all it would take to get Tokiya crying again. His voice comes out a bit pathetic, but his gratefulness is completely real. “Thank you.” It’s almost a whimper, and it makes Ranmaru’s face soften- but it’s sad. 

“‘Course. There’s showers in both rooms. I don’t mind which one you use.”

Tokiya would happen to choose Ranmaru’s room, and he’d have to stop to look around for a second. Ranmaru’s tastes hadn’t changed. The thought gives Tokiya a shaky half smile. He wouldn’t try to take a long shower, but it was still a very long shower. He was used to being sprayed down like a dog, with freezing cold water. 

Warm water that wasn’t a harsh stream was something he had nearly forgotten. He’d break down again in the shower, afraid that he was going to wake up. Ranmaru wouldn’t come get him. 

Tokiya would stop the shower, and then would realize that he wasn’t sure what to do. He’d pick up the dirty shirt he was wearing and would use it to dry himself off. Just enough that he wasn’t dripping. There was only one towel in the bathroom, and one washcloth by the sink. He didn’t feel right using either of them. 

Ranmaru would frown when he’d see Tokiya walk out in a damp and dirty shirt, still wearing the clothes he went into the shower with. His frown deepens more when he realizes that Tokiya’s hair is still wet- it’s just dry enough to not drip. “C’mere.” He’d turn Tokiya around to lead him back into Ranmaru’s room. Ranmaru hardly looks at what he’s grabbing, but he hands Tokiya his own clothes. His sweats, his sweatshirt, his underwear. Almost all of Tokiya wants to just take it. Of course he wants to be dressed in Ranmaru’s clothes. But there’s enough of him that’s already feeling like a parasite. Like he’s taking too much from Ranmaru. Taking advantage of his hospitality. 

“...Are you sure? I-” Tokiya bites down on his lip. 

Ranmaru’s been careful. He has no idea what happened to Tokiya- but something clearly did. Tokiya’s never been the friendliest or happiest person, but he’s also never been _this_... scared. Tokiya looks like he’s walking on a minefield, and it breaks Ranmaru’s heart to see him like this. Especially around Ranmaru. “‘Course I’m sure. And you can use the towel that’s in there. Better ‘n walkin’ around wet. Can’t be comfortable.”

Tokiya hesitates, but he nods, bowing his head. “Thank you.”

Ranmaru smiles at Tokiya. The best one he can muster right now. It does seem to set Tokiya a bit more at ease. Ranmaru can see Tokiya’s eyes change. 

Tokiya still clearly trusts Ranmaru- but whatever he had been through had clearly messed him up. Ranmaru thinks this is the best that can be expected right now. 

Tokiya would go into the bathroom, still trying to use as little of the towel as he can. Getting dressed took a minute, but he couldn’t lie that he was much more comfortable. Not to mention that wearing Ranmaru’s outfit made Tokiya… happy. It was entirely too big on him, and the drawstring on the pants were as tight as they could go. Tokiya was basically just skin and bones. He always felt hungry, like he was starving. 

He felt like a mistreated animal.

Tokiya would walk back out in the living room, and he’d notice the food Ranmaru had made. There were two plates, but one was less than the other. It was some sort of pasta. Tokiya couldn’t quite hide the excitement in his eyes. It looked good. He was used to scraps, at best. 

That look was bittersweet to Ranmaru. Obviously he was glad that Tokiya was excited, but he shouldn’t be this excited over a simple meal. Tokiya would move to sit in front of the smaller plate. Ranmaru wouldn’t stop him, but when Tokiya had sat down, Ranmaru would switch the plates. Tokiya’s face would get unsure. 

“That one’s for you. ‘M not super hungry. Just didn’t want to make you eat alone.”

Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, but the soft, thankful look he gives Ranmaru shows through. 

Tokiya wants to talk while he eats, but he can’t. He’s forcing himself to eat slowly, because he’s afraid to get sick- he’s not used to eating so much. But he’d finish his plate, faster than he means to. He’s still not quite full, but he’s going back and forth. He doesn’t want to ask for more- both because he doesn’t want to come across as demanding or ungrateful, and also because he’d hate to make himself sick, but he also is worried that he might not get many more chances to eat. 

Tokiya won’t let himself believe that he’ll be here with any sense of permanency. 

“You said you thought I was dead.” Tokiya’s voice is still hoarse, but it doesn’t hurt to talk, now that he’s had water. “...Why? How long have I been gone…?”

Ranmaru’s jaw sets. “It’s been five years.” His voice is quiet. Almost distant. “And the woman you lived with told everyone you were dead.”

There’s pain on Tokiya’s face at the mention of his old guardian. Ranmaru catches it, but he only watches Tokiya. 

Tokiya did trust Ranmaru. Enough to tell Ranmaru what happened. “She sold me.” His voice is pained. “She sold me to a program, who sold me as a slave to a man. I lived like a dog for… I guess years. He…” Tokiya’s throat finally closes up. “I was mostly used for… entertainment. I was forced to do a lot of things I’m not proud of.” He’d swallow hard. He’s focusing on his empty plate. “One of his friends was nice to me. That’s the only reason I’m not still there- because he helped.”

Ranmaru’s face is unreadable. “That… You didn’t deserve to go through that.” He’d finally settle on. His voice is detached. “No one does. But especially not you. Especially not with your… situation. I’m… fuck. I’m just glad you got out.” Ranmaru lets out a sigh, but Tokiya can almost hear the shakiness of it. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t kick Tokiya out. Tokiya kept waiting for it, but he’d stay in Ranmaru’s guest room. 

Tokiya only really slept in few hour intervals, and typically he’d sleep on the floor next to the bed. 

It would have been the first night when Ranmaru would have approached him. “‘S there anythin’ I can do to make you anymore comfortable?”

“Could…” Tokiya would feel a bit ridiculous with his request, shifting a bit. His hand would find his wrist, his grip tight, twisting the skin over it. “Would it be alright if we kept both of the bedroom doors open tonight? Unless you can’t sleep like that.”

“I’ll keep my door open, Toki.”

Tokiya had nightmares, as he did every night, but they were quiet. He was up and about before Ranmaru was awake. He hadn’t left the room, but he was pacing around. 

“You okay?” Ranmaru would lean against the doorframe. Tokiya would nod. Ranmaru isn’t sure that he believes him, but he drops it. “I’m makin’ breakfast. Any requests?”

This is how it would go for a while. Ranmaru would keep his door open, but Tokiya would be the first awake. Tokiya appreciated Ranmaru for what he was doing. Tokiya had found a job, though the only place he could work at right now was a small gas station, and he could only clean and stock. 

He had come back several times due to panic attacks, though usually Ranmaru wasn’t home. One time, however, he would be. 

Tokiya had come in, shaking, crying, and disappointed in himself. Ranmaru had been on the couch, but would have stood when he saw Tokiya. 

His face would change, almost protective. “Shit, what happened?”

Tokiya felt horrible. Guilty. He always did, where money was involved. He was working so he could pay something for Ranmaru, despite Ranmaru insisting that he didn’t need to. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya would bow his head. He felt small. “I- I had to come home early from work. I… have trouble sometimes, with people.”

Tokiya would feel a hand on his head, and he’d hear Ranmaru sigh. 

“Don’t stress yourself over it. I don’t expect you to be able to just jump right back in and be okay, Toki, and you shouldn’t either. I wish you’d work part time for now.”

“I want to be helpful.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whisper. 

“Then give yourself some time. You’re not even physically better yet, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost stern. “You’re still not a healthy weight, even. And you can’t just ignore your mental health, either. Just take it slow. We’ve talked about this. I’ve got no issues paying for the apartment. You livin’ here is barely affectin’ the bills. I don’t need you worryin’ about paying me back, because if you’re safe, that’s enough.”

Tokiya’s chest constricts. He’d hug Ranmaru tightly, and Ranmaru would hug back. 

A few weeks later, Ranmaru would have a visitor. Ren had been over before, though Tokiya didn’t quite trust him. Ranmaru had told Tokiya about Ren, and Ren about Tokiya- though Ranmaru hadn’t gone into detail on Tokiya’s situation. Only that something bad happened, and that’s why Tokiya was so cautious. Ren was understanding and careful. 

That night it had gotten late and heavy rain had started and continued from the time Ren had come over, and he wasn’t quite comfortable driving back. 

“You can stay here. Lemme grab some blankets and pillows and you can stay on the couch.”

Tokiya realizes that he’s in the guest room. It was easy to forget, because Ranmaru had moved most of his things around so they weren’t all over that room. Despite Tokiya’s protests, he had clothes again. He would have been fine with one outfit, just to avoid stealing Ranmaru’s, but Ranmaru insisted that he have a normal amount of clothes. He still had the outfit that Ranmaru had given him the night he arrived. He had tried to wash and get it back, but Ranmaru told him that he could keep them for sleep clothes. Tokiya didn’t fight as hard as he could have on that one.

Tokiya waits by the hallway to suggest his ideas to Ranmaru. “I can sleep in the living room. I didn’t mean to take your spare room.”

“It’s not my spare room anymore, Toki, it’s yours. Ren’s fine with the couch.”

Tokiya feels his heart skip a beat. It’s his? It’s another moment that really affected Tokiya. Tokiya was too taken aback by it to continue arguing, Ranmaru had kept walking to go fetch blankets. 

That night, even with Ren in the living room, Ranmaru’s door stays open. 

Less than a week later, Tokiya would have felt horrible. 

Ranmaru didn’t snap at Tokiya. He understood that Tokiya had gone through a lot in five years, and so he tried to be supportive when Tokiya wasn’t doing well and encouraging when Tokiya showed signs of getting better. They fought much more as teenagers, and still loved each other. 

But Rnamaru just wasn’t having a good day. He still didn’t attack Tokiya. He kept himself together better than that, but he had an edge to his voice. It wasn’t at Tokiya. He wasn’t mad at Tokiya. Tokiya would have cautiously approached him at the couch. 

Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “Is.. is there anything I can get for you Ranmaru? Or do for you?”

“Just-” Ranmaru would let out a deep sigh. “Leave me alone for a while.” His voice is gruff. It softens a bit as he adds a “Please.” at the end.

“Yes, master.” Tokiya’s answer is quiet but automatic. His head had ducked on instinct. His eyes would widen, a hand covering his mouth. Ranmaru looks a bit hurt, and Tokiya looks mortified. He can feels tears, and his stomach hurts. He shakes his head, and drops his hand for long enough to apologize. “I’m sorry, Ranmaru, I didn’t- I didn’t mean to…” He swallows hard and backs up, retreating to the guest room. Tokiya didn’t like closing the door, but he would. 

Ranmaru would follow him. He’d knock on the door, and his voice is low, but it’s careful. Calm. “Toki- I’m not mad. Let me in, please?”

It takes a long moment for Tokiya to open the door, clearly crying. 

“I’m so sorry, Ran, I wasn’t-” Tokiya would let out a sob. He felt absolutely horrible. 

Ranmaru would pull him into a hug. “You’re fine. I know you didn’t mean anythin’ by it.” His voice is still quiet. “I just needed to tell you I’m not mad. I’m not holdin’ anything against you, alright? Don’t sit in here and beat yourself up about it. It’s already water under the bridge.”

“I still… I still need to tell you that I don’t ever see you like him. I- it was such an instinctual response, I’m sorry.”

Ranmaru hesitates, but when he speaks next, his voice is soft. “I know. I care about you, Toki. You’re important to me. I’d never hurt you, and God forbid I ever let anyone else hurt you again. And I hope you know that. You’re gonna need time. I know I’m not the most patient person-” Tokiya inhales shortly through his nose. It’s a bit weak, but it’s what Ranmaru was going for. “But I’m gonna be as patient as you need me to be.” Ranmaru’s voice drops a bit. Vulnerable. “I lost you once, Tokiya. I’m not losing you again. Especially not because I pushed you out, or made you feel like you couldn’t be here.”

Tokiya holds onto Ranmaru tighter. 

It takes months, but over that time Tokiya and Ranmaru had gotten just as close as they had been. 

It had gotten to the point where they had both decided to get back together, officially. To the point where Tokiya felt comfortable with the proximity and Ranmaru felt comfortable that Tokiya was alright enough to be in a relationship. 

Ranmaru was careful with the affection. He wouldn’t always make Tokiya initiate it, but Ranmaru’s slow when he does. On the couch, if he wants to get closer it starts with the cheesy arm behind the couch and slowly down to Tokiya’s shoulders, loosely at first. If Tokiya continues to react well, he pulls Tokiya closer, into his side. Tokiya has begun to reciprocate, too. Speeding up the process when he feels comfortable doing so. 

Eventually they’re sleeping in the same bed. It makes Tokiya more comfortable to have Ranmaru in the room with him. 

Ranmaru would settle into the bed, and Tokiya would take his normal place on the floor, curling in on himself. Ranmaru has to take a second, an uneasy feeling settling in his chest and a frown forming on his face. He’d finally stand up, to crouch next to Tokiya on the floor.

“What are you doing?” He’d sigh, placing a hand softly on Tokiya’s shoulder.

Tokiya would look up at Ranmaru, curling in on himself a bit more. Tokiya had a cold already, and with it being winter, the wooden floors were freezing. 

“I normally sleep on the floor.” Tokiya says quietly. The part that gets Ranmaru is the fact that Tokiya doesn’t say that like it’s strange, or bad. 

“No wonder you’re not feelin’ well. It’s fuckin’ freezing right now, you’re just gonna stay sick if you keep sleeping on the floor. Why do you feel like you can’t sleep in the bed?”

“It doesn’t feel right.” Tokiya admits. “Especially in the beginning. I was already used to sleeping on the ground, so it didn’t feel different.” 

“Well I’m ending this now. C’mon.” Ranmaru would help Tokiya up, and Tokiya would let him. Ranmaru would pull back the covers. 

Tokiya would hesitate just a bit, but would climb under the bed. He’d let Ranmaru tuck him in. The last time Tokiay had been in a bed wasn’t pleasant, but he can’t deny that it’s so much more comfortable than the floor.

“You need me to stay on my side?” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit gruff, but he waits for Tokiya’s answer before he even gets into the bed. 

“I… if it’s an option, I think I’d rather you didn’t.” It was harder for Tokiya to admit to this than to admit to sleeping on the floor. “But I’m sick, maybe I shouldn’t-”

“I don’t mind.” Ranmaru gets into the bed. He’d be slow with it, but he’d eventually get Tokiya pulled towards him, his chest to Tokiya’s back. Tokiya is relaxed in his grip. He had been shivering on the floor, but between Ranmaru and the blanket, he’s warmer now. “I’ll risk gettin’ sick to have you here.”

Ranmaru can’t see Tokiya’s face, but his expression gets softer. 

“I missed you, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is a whisper. “You were what got me through it. Thinking about you.”

“Toki-” Ranmaru’s voice is tight. It’s not nearly as bad as it was when Tokiya was first found, but it’s reminiscent. “I-” He speaks slowly, trying to figure out how to say what he’s trying to say. “I’m glad I found you. I was miserable for a real long time when I lost you. I wish I knew what happened. I wish I knew to look for you.” 

“It’s not your fault. You still found me.”

“And I’m not lettin’ go.”

One day, walking home, Tokiya would have seen a face he recognized. It was a friend of his owner. It wasn’t quite dark out, only about six in the evening, so dusk was about and this street wasn’t very busy. But the man was already inebriated, clearly unable to walk straight. His eyes would light up when he sees Tokiya. 

“I ‘member you~!” He’d drawl, grinning wolfishly. He’d latch onto Tokiya’s wrist before Tokiya could unfreeze himself. “Whaddya say we ‘ave a ‘lil bitta fun?” He’d laugh, tugging Tokiya into a small space between two buildings. 

Tokiya was a much healthier weight now, but he was still a small guy. The man pulling him was bigger- not in muscle but in fat. It didn’t matter, because he still had at least one hundred pounds on Tokiya, and Tokiya was bound to lose this battle.

Tokiya is afraid. His face shows his fear, and his desperate pulling is doing nothing but shifting the bones in his wrist. The man slams Tokiya against the ground, his face scraping against the asphalt. He cries out in pain when he feels the snap of his wrist from the weight, his wrist now turned at an awkward angle. He’s whimpering, but his struggling has stopped. The more he struggled, the more pain he had. 

He felt the man, his hands moving lower. Too low. 

But Tokiya’s cries had gotten the attention of a man on the street. He was also much bigger than Tokiya, but he _was_ bigger in muscle. Tokiya must have looked a pathetic sight, pressed against the ground, his ass in the air, a man twice his size hovering over him. The man’s face would change, looking pissed.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” The stranger would knock the man off of Tokiya, but the fight would be short. The man is no match for the stranger. 

The stranger would help Tokiya up, and Tokiya would notice that there’s a slightly smaller man, waiting by the alley, looking worried. It might be the stranger’s boyfriend. 

“Are you alright? Should I call the cops?”

Tokiya would give a pained but grateful small smile. His eyes, already blurry from tears, burn further. Not everyone was bad. That was a lesson Tokiya was glad to learn. He couldn’t afford to be any less cautious- because clearly, as the man on the ground would prove, some people _were_ bad. 

Tokiya shakes his head. “Thank you, but I’m alright.” He wipes at his eyes with the back of his good hand. “I just want to go home.” He’d let out a tearful laugh. 

The stranger would hesitate, but he’d nod. “Yeah, get out of here. You need any help? Do you have anyone you could call?”

Tokiya was still almost fifteen minutes from his house. Ranmaru didn’t really like Tokiya walking home, but Tokiya liked walking, and he didn’t ever really walk at night. After this, Tokiya didn’t really want to walk. There wasn’t anyway that he’d feel safe going back by himself. 

Tokiya would nod. “I have someone to call. …Thank you again.”

Tokiya’s hand would move to his pocket, to grab his phone. He hoped Ranmaru wouldn’t mind.

The stranger would make his way out of the alley, and Tokiya would follow, wanting to be away from the situation as quickly as possible. 

He’d be dialing Ranmaru as he’s leaving. He’s keeping his hurt hand carefully by his side. He’s not trying to make it worse, but it doesn’t feel like a big deal to him. He could care for it when he was home. It had been a long time now since someone had hurt him, but it used to be normal. 

Ranmaru would answer the phone, not alarmed at first. “Toki?”

“Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a bit empty now. It’s still clear that he had been crying. The two men were further away from him, but they both seemed to be watching him. That was understandable. “Something happened. I’m… sorry to ask, but can you come get me?” 

Ranmaru’s voice was certainly more alarmed now. It’s serious. “Don’t be sorry. ‘Course I can come.” Tokiya could hear him shifting. He could hear him grab his keys. “Where are you?”

Tokiya would tell Ranmaru his location. 

“I’m gonna be right there. You need me to stay on the phone?”

“The worst of it is over now, I think. I should be okay to wait.”

“...” Ranmaru’s silent for a moment. “Okay.” He’d finally say. “Only because you’re five minutes away. Everything’s really okay right now?”

“Situationally, yes. It’s over.”

Ranmaru was clearly in the car now. “Call me if anything changes.”

“Of course.”

Tokiya takes a second to hang up, but he does. The men don’t speak to him, but they do seem to be still watching. Tokiya doesn’t feel intimidated or threatened. At least, not anymore than he always does. 

If they were going to hurt him, why would they wait for him to call for help? Or why bother helping him in the first place? 

Ranmaru parks the car in front of Tokiya on the curb, and he gets out. There’s an obviously worried expression on his face, and it only worsens when he sees Tokiya’s face. It must have been cut up from when it was slammed on the ground. 

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow, and his hand is on Tokiya’s uninjured cheek to get a better look at his injury. “Shit, Toki. Is this-” Ranmaru’s words die in his throat when he finally notices the men, and then he steps besides Tokiya, stiff. He has a protective stance. 

Tokiya can understand. They were waiting by Tokiya, watching him. “Who are you?” His voice is gruff. Tokiya’s uninjured hand moves to Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“They helped me.” Tokiya says quietly.

“We’re not looking for any trouble.” The man who directly helped Tokiya would put up his hands. “We just wanted to make sure nothing else happened.”

Ranmaru would be very quiet for a minute, and he’d let out a _very_ gruff, “Then thanks.” 

The man who directly helped Tokiya would nod, and then he’d take a step back. Getting his point, his partner would turn, too. The men would leave. Ranmaru would be still until it was only Tokiya and himself, and he’d look Tokiya up and down. 

His eyes would land on Tokiya’s wrist, and he’d reach out to grab Tokiya’s forearm, bringing his arm up with a gentle touch. His face is dead serious, and there’s clear anger behind it, but it’s being pushed down for Tokiya’s sake. 

After a minute of looking at it, Ranmaru frowns. “It’s broken. We should get you to a hospital.”

“I should be able to take care of it, myself.” Tokiya says quietly. “I’ve set bones before.”

Ranmaru gives him a conflicted look. It’s both stern and almost upset. “Well you don’t have to now. I want you gettin’ real medical attention.”

“Okay.” Tokiya would give in. He was nervous to, but if Ranmaru were this serious about it, he’d let Ranmaru take him. 

They’d go to the hospital. When Ranmaru’s hand wasn’t on the wheel, it was on Tokiya’s knee, or his uninjured hand. “I want to start pickin’ you up, too. I don’t want you walkin’ alone anymore.”

“I don’t want to walk anymore.” Tokiya admits. His voice is a bit higher, with fear. His bottom lip trembles. 

They’d pull into the hospital. Tokiya does go back alone at first, Ranmaru in the waiting room. The doctor takes care of his wrist, setting it in a cast. 

“...Doctor?” Tokiya’s voice is almost scared. “...A while ago I was… sold, and used for… sex. I was wondering if there was a way to… check me? If I need a check?” He hated asking it, but it scared him. 

The doctor’s eyes show surprised, but he stays calm. “We can do that, but I am required to tell the police about this.” Tokiya nods slowly, panic rising in his chest. “Let me handle that and get things set up for you.”

It wouldn’t be long for a police officer to enter, and Tokiya’s already ready to cry. 

She seemed nice, as she introduces herself. 

“Will you tell me exactly what happened?” Tokiya’s nails are digging into his knee. His throat feels closed. 

“Can… Am I allowed to have someone with me while you ask?” Tokiya’s terrified. He really just wants Ranmaru. 

The woman hesitates, for just a second. “Does he have anything to do with this situation?”

Tokiya shakes his head quickly. “No, no. Not at all.”

“You’re not protecting him?”

“He had nothing to do with any of this. He has nothing to do with anything involving this.”

She would wait a few seconds, and then she would nod. She would enter the hallway, and would come back in. She would wait to speak more with Tokiya until a nurse would have led Ranmaru in. Ranmaru looks cautious, but he sits down next to Tokiya. 

“Will you both tell me your names?”

“Tokiya Ichinose.” His answer is quiet. 

“Ranmaru Kurosaki.” Ranmaru’s voice isn’t much louder. His expression is mostly concerned. He’s careful, as Tokiya answers, to stay quiet. Throughout all of it, concerned is his main expression. He’s very, very careful to make it clear that he’s not trying to influence Tokiya’s answers. 

Tokiya tells her everything. Ranmaru’s face manages to not change, but it’s a challenge, hearing more about what Tokiya went through. His hand sets on Tokiya’s leg. The cop keeps glancing down at it, but he’s only resting it on Tokiya’s leg. No matter what Tokiya says, Ranmaru’s grip doesn’t change, or tighten.

“And what happened to your wrist?”

Tokiya’s lip trembles a bit. “Earlier today I ran into one of friends of the owner that bought me, and he tried to… take advantage of me in an alley. He broke it when he pinned me down.”

Ranmaru’s face is surprised. He keeps the anger off of it, even though Tokiya’s sure he’s feeling it, but he can’t hide the surprise. This is the first he’s hearing of the whole story. 

“And why didn’t you contact the police?”

Tokiya’s voice gets quiet, almost childlike, but it’s honest. “I don’t have any information that’s useful. I don’t remember anything specific. And today he wasn’t… he didn’t do anything, other than try to attack me. ...I also was worried that if I went to a police station that it would have been too obvious. I was only able to leave by foot. I was scared that the man who had bought me might be checking there first.”

“Will you give me your number, so I can ask you more questions?”

Tokiya would nod and would give it to her. 

“Thank you for the information.” She would leave, after nodding to both of them. 

Ranmaru’s frowning when she’s gone. His eyebrows are drawn in. Tokiya’s good hand rests over the hand on his knee. He squeezes Ranmaru’s hand. There’s still a lump in Tokiya’s throat. 

Ranmaru doesn’t say anything for a long moment, and Tokiya doesn’t blame him. What is there to say?

“I think I already know the answer.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff, and Tokiya’s heart pounds in his chest. “But I’ll ask it anyways. Are you okay?” 

That’s the question that makes Tokiya’s eyes fill with tears. “I don’t know.” Tokiya’s voice is so lost. “I’m just… scared.”

The doctor would return. “Are you ready, Tokiya?”

Tokiya would glance at Ranmaru, his eyes too wide. Scared. Alarmed. 

“If you’d be more comfortable with your spouse in the room, he can stay.”

Tokiya would nod. He doesn’t correct the doctor. “Please.” He’s looking at Ranmaru mostly when he says this. 

Ranmaru stays. He’s there for Tokiya, turning his chair so that he’s only facing Tokiya. 

Tokiya feels scared, embarrassed and worried- but just having Ranmaru with him helped. Ranmaru wasn’t in the way, so Tokiya holds his hand tightly. Ranmaru’s face is calm, and it helps. 

It feels like it takes longer than it really does, and Tokiya is uncomfortable, but he’s silent. Finally, the doctor is done with his examination. 

The results aren’t horrible. 

Physically, he wasn’t dealing with permanent damage that the doctor could see, other than some scarring from various tools his owner would play with, but he did have to be tested for STDs. 

Thankfully, they came back negative. 

It would have been a week later when Tokiya would have cautiously reached out for Ranmaru. They were standing in the bedroom, getting changed for bed. Tokiya had been in relaxing clothes for most of today, but Ranmaru’s shirt was off as he was changing it. 

“Ranmaru?” Tokiya’s voice is so nervous. Ranmaru would stop looking for a shirt to give Tokiya a serious look. 

“Hmm?” 

Tokiya would swallow, and he’d reach for Ranmaru’s hand. He’d bring it under his shirt, onto his stomach, and his lip would tremble. “I- I don’t want this for anything sexual I just- Will you touch me?” His eyes are full of tears, but his grip is loose enough for Ranmaru to pull away, should he want to. Ranmaru doesn’t move his hand away, but Tokiya continues speaking. He’s trying his best to hold Ranmaru’s gaze, but it’s hard. “I just… I want to feel like I belong to you. Sometimes I feel like I don’t, like I’m… not yours because of everything.need to know in what way you're gonna think you belong to me." His voice is so quiet. His expression is unreadable. 

"Not like an owner." Tokiya's voice is almost desperate. "I know that you love me. I know you wouldn't hurt me. I just don't want to feel like there's anyone else, anyone that would hurt me and doesn't care about me has any claims to me."

"'S long as you know I'm not… taking ownership of you.I want to protect you, and care for you and love you, but I don't want to own you." Ranmaru's voice is dead serious, but he's moved a bit closer to Tokiya. "I wanna support you. I don't wanna control you. I just… As long as you feel safe and happy. That's what I care about."

"I do." Tokiya's voice trembles, but it's honest. "I felt like an object, or an abused animal. You make me feel like a person, Ran. I wanted to spend my life with you when I was nineteen, and I want to spend my life with you now. I love you, Ran. Now and forever.”

Ranmaru’s hand finally moves, across Tokiya’s stomach, to his side. 

He’s pulled Tokiya closer. 

“What do you want from us, Toki?”

“I want us to be even. ...Equals. I want to get to the point where I can start building you up, too. And if the only way I can get better is to let you help me, then I am more than willing to let you. I know right now, I’m still not baseline. Or even close. I know you’re trying really hard to help me. But I want us to keep getting better. Separately and together.” Tokiya feels Ranmaru’s hand trailing up Tokiya’s back. His other hand is on Tokiya’s lower back now. Ranmaru is holding him closely, and Tokiya’s hands are around Ranmaru’s neck, holding himself closer. 

“I love you, Tokiya. I want you to be better. And I’m tellin’ you completely honestly that I think you’re gettin’ there. You’re lookin’ for somethin’ we can do. I think you’re lookin’ at me as your support and not your anchor, and that’s good.” Tokiya’s shirt raises as both of Ranmaru’s hands travel up his back. “I’m comfortable doing what you’re askin’ me too. I think your head’s in the right place.” Ranmaru would lean in, pressing his lips softly to Tokiya’s. 

When Ranmaru has pulled away, Tokiya smiles up at him. His eyes are still shiny, but his eyes are soft. “I’ve never thanked you directly, for how you’ve handled me. I’ve seen you bite back your anger for me more times than I can count. I don’t know if I’d be alive without you, Ranmaru, and if I was, I don’t even want to think about where I would be. I love you, and adore you, and would be completely lost without you.” Tokiya is crying a bit now, but he’s keeping his smile on. Tokiya hasn’t smiled much in years. His teary smile quirks, turning into a teasing one, but his eyes are still soft. Still genuine. “You’re rock, Ran. Through and through.”

Ranmaru laughs. It’s a laugh Tokiya has heard no more than five times in the entire time he’s met Ranmaru, because it’s such a soft, bright laugh. He has a wide smile, and the look takes Tokiya’s breath away. Ranmaru leans forward again, and his kiss is surprisingly gentle. Ranmaru’s hands leave Tokiya’s back to cup Tokiya’s face. “You don’t need to thank me. Tokiya, I’ve been in love with you for years. I can’t even think of words, babe. I know you feel like you need me, but I need you just as much. This is… soft shit. But I mean it.” Ranmaru’s smile may be gone, but there’s a blush spreading across Ranmaru’s face. Tokiya lays his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder, and he hums. It’s a happy sound. 

Tokiya can’t remember the last time he’s been this content. It’s the best kind of happiness. 

“Let’s take this to the bed.” Ranmaru would mumble. Tokiya would nod. Ranmaru very begrudgingly lets go of Tokiya, and Tokiya does hesitate a moment, but he chooses to strip to his underwear. It’s a nerve wracking moment, but Ranmaru is patient. He actually waits for Tokiya to move onto the bed before he does, and he ends up encouraging Tokiya to move towards the middle, and just climbs onto the same side of the bed. Ranmaru holds himself up over Tokiya, pressing his lips softly to Tokiya. “Tonight’s nothin’ sexual.” Ranmaru assures Tokiya. Tokiya nods. Ranmaru’s lips quirk upwards, into a soft smile. He moves, pressing his lips against Tokiya’s neck, right below his ear. “Just wanna appreciate you, babe. You’re beautiful, and you’re mine. ‘S long as you want to be.”

“Better be careful saying that.” Tokiya feels a warm, happy buzz in his chest. Ranmaru is surprisingly gentle. “Because it’s going to be a long, long time.” Tokiya’s hands are around Ranmaru, too. On his back, fingers splayed. Ranmaru’s chest is against Tokiya’s, Ranmaru’s forearms pressed against the bed. Between his forearms and his knees, he’s just hovering above Tokiya. Ranmaru had taken his jeans off before he had gotten into the bed and hadn’t bothered to put on sweats. 

The skin to skin contact was comforting. The warmth of Ranmaru’s skin was a welcome feeling. 

“I can’t remember the last time I was comfortable being this close to someone.” Tokiya admits quietly. Ranmaru is pressing soft, adoring kisses to Tokiya’s throat, not lingering in any specific spot. “I… don’t feel afraid, when I’m with you, Ran. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder if I’m dreaming.” Ranmaru has moved, watching Tokiya’s face. He’s leaning heavily against one side, moving a hand to brush through Tokiya’s hair. Tokiya drops his hand lower, down to Ranmaru’s hip, to give him room to move his arm. “It… helps me remember to enjoy these moments, but it scares me, too. If I were to wake up from this- I don’t know how I’d recover. I… I thought you didn’t recognize me, when you found me. I thought you were going to look at me and walk away. And that’s where I’m most afraid that I’ll wake up.”

“Well, you don’t need to be scared, ‘cause you’re not wakin’ up. You’re already awake. Toki, when I saw you, it was like seeing a ghost. Literally. I thought I was seein’ things at first. I’m… glad I wasn’t. But it doesn’t matter, because right now, it’s you and me. And that’s how it’s gonna be tomorrow, and the day after that. Next time you wake up, it’s gonna be right next to me.”

“I wish there were more ways to tell you that I love you.”

“I’m fine with simple.” Ranmaru gives a wide grin. 

“You’re smiling a lot today.” Tokiya muses, though there’s clear happiness in his voice. 

“What can I say? You bring it outta me.”

“Well, it’s a wonderful sight.”

Ranmaru’s hand trails down. His fingers brush over Tokiya’s cheek, and then down his jaw, brushing over his throat down to his collarbone. His hand slides to Tokiya’s shoulder, where he finally presses his hand down, his palm against the front of Tokiya’s shoulder and his fingers wrapping around the back. Tokiya lets his hand fall from Ranmaru’s waist as Ranmaru’s hand travels down to Tokiya’s bicep, turning his hand so that his thumb runs over the inside of Tokiya’s arm, and then down to his elbow. He grips lightly when he trails down Tokiya’s forearm, but Tokiya’s cast gets in the way of him going further. It kept Tokiya from properly holding onto Ranmaru, too, but Tokiya had just tried to ignore it. It doesn’t slow Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru’s lips would press to Tokiya’s collarbone and would follow the path that his hands did. 

Ranmaru was not a patient man. The amount of time Ranmaru was taking for Tokiya would send another happy buzz through him. Tokiya had felt as if he were going to cry, and he _has_ cried tonight, but they’re happy tears. Tokiya’s alright with those. 

Ranmaru moves. He shifts, setting one knee in between Tokiya’s. Tokiya’s hand lets go of Ranmaru, so that Ranmaru’s hand can move to Tokiya’s thigh, just below his underwear. His hand travels down, to Tokiya’s knee. 

Ranmaru’s hand would pull away, and would move his hand to Tokiya’s ribs. 

“It’s nice. Seein’ you healthy.” Ranmaru would mumble, pulling away from Tokiya’s forearm. He’d pull himself up a bit, to take Tokiya in better. “I can’t count your ribs.” Ranmaru’s hand would trail down Tokiya’s side, over his ribcage. “When I first saw you again I think I could count them through your shirt.”

“I feel better.” Tokiya admits. “I didn’t even realize how horrible I felt until I didn’t.”

“Good. Now it’s gonna stay that way.”

That’s how the rest of tonight would go. 

Good reminiscing. Of how much better Tokiya was. Of happy things. 

Ranmaru would be slow and take his time, and Tokiya would love every second of Ranmaru’s touch. By the time Ranmaru finally moved beside him, holding him tightly and protectively, Tokiya absolutely felt like he belonged to Ranmaru. He felt like he should be in this bed. That having Ranmaru’s arms around his waist felt right. 

Tokiya would fall asleep through the night. No dreams, no nightmares. 

He’d wake up, rolling over. 

Ranmaru would give him a soft, sleepy smile, his eyes only barely opened. Tokiya would return it. 

Tokiya was glad that he woke up next to Ranmaru. 

He couldn’t wait to do the same thing tomorrow.


	23. Twenty Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings ; surgery

Tokiya didn’t actually mean to keep such crucial news from his husband for nearly as long as he had. 

It was Tokiya’s medical decision to make- but he wasn’t sure how Ranmaru would react.

Nearly a month ago he had gotten a call from his father, asking Tokiya to visit him at the hospital he was stationed at, and Tokiya had chosen to go. It had been a long time since Tokiya had least seen his father. If Ranmaru had been home when he had gotten the call, he wouldn’t have gone alone. But he did. 

His father’s issue was a failing kidney, and he only had one of them. He had to have the other removed years back. 

His father had called Tokiya to ask for a kidney. He put it differently, but Tokiya had seen through it. That was why he was there. It didn’t matter. Tokiya had said yes.

After a few consultations and plans, it was a mere day away from when he was supposed to have a kidney removed and he had failed to let Ranmaru know.

He’d have called Ranmaru. He knew it was a cowardly move, but he needed to go to the hospital soon. Tokiya was regretting his decision, too. Surgery was a big deal, and Tokiya hadn’t even had his wisdom teeth taken out. 

“Toki? What’s up?” Ranmaru sounded confused. Tokiya normally wouldn’t call him during work. 

“I’m sorry to drop this on you now- but I’m not going to be home for a few days, at least.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. 

“Did something happen?” Ranmaru’s voice has turned serious. 

“I’m… my father needed a kidney and I offered to give him one. I’m going through the surgery for it tomorrow morning.”

“And why I am I only hearing about this _now_, Tokiya?”

“I’m sorry. I just… I wasn’t sure how to bring it up, and then it got to… now.”

“And you thought a phone call was the best way to break the news?”

“I’m out of time. I’m going in a few hours for prep.”

“Well stay at the house. I’m meeting you there now.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat.

Tokiya’s voice is hardly a whisper. “Okay.”

Ranmaru would hang up, and Tokiya would sit on the couch. He certainly didn’t blame Ranmaru for being angry- this was a lot to hide. And a lot to drop on him. 

When Ranmaru gets there, his eyes are already narrowed. He’d shut the door behind him and he’d walk up to Tokiya. 

“Start from the beginning.” 

Tokiya would sigh, rubbing his face with his hands. “My father called me to visit him at the hospital, and he brought up the possibility of me being a compatible donor and… I was. So I told him I would give him a kidney, and that was about a month ago.”

“A month.” Ranmaru echoes, unamused. “And what exactly was your plan? Callin’ me right before you went in for a _surgery_?”

“I was mostly calling you so I wasn’t MIA. I was just.. Going to have the procedure done, and then come back home when I was healed enough, I guess.”

“You were really just gonna drop that on me and then leave?”

“Yes.”

Ranmaru’s lips would press into a thin line. “Is your dad dying?”

“Eventually.”

“How immediate is it?”

“He’s not… it’s not incredibly urgent yet.”

“So you just said yes? You didn’t even wait to see if he could get another one?”

“I only need one.” Tokiya’s voice is almost weak. He expected an argument, but hadn't been looking forward to it. He was already scared as it was, he didn’t want to go in fresh from a fight with Ranmaru. 

“For now. What happens if something does happen, Tokiya?” Ranmaru’s hand grips his jaw and slides down his face and he sighs. “I really wish you’d talked to me before you made this decision. I get that you think it’s your own choice, and it _is_ your body, but there was too much you didn’t think about.”

Tokiya would stay quiet. Ranmaru wasn’t wrong. 

“I wish you’d just drop this. But I know you well enough to know you aren’t gonna.” Ranmaru’s jaw would grit. “Give me five minutes and we’ll go.”

“You’re going with me?” Tokiya would blink, surprised. 

“Obviously.” Ranmaru would scoff. “Like I’m gonna let you go through a serious surgery alone.”

“You don’t have to. I didn’t give you nearly enough warning.”

“Stop trying to convince me not to, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is stern. “If you can look me in the eyes and honestly tell me you don’t want me there, I won’t go. Otherwise, I’m gonna go get ready and we’ll leave.” Ranmaru waits for a moment, but Tokiya’s eyes stay on the floor. “‘S what I thought.” He’d head further into the house. Tokiya already had his own bag with him. 

When Ranmaru comes back, in a different set of clothes, he’d look at Tokiya hard for a moment. “There’s nothin’ I can say to make you go back on this, is there?”

“I’m afraid not. I already gave my word.” Tokiya says quietly. 

“Why? Why for him?”

“I… don’t know. A part of me felt that I should. It… seemed less serious, when I wasn’t a few hours away from the surgery.”

“Let’s just go, then.” Ranmaru says, his voice low. His face is guarded. He’d open the door, holding it for Tokiya. Tokiya is holding his bag close to his chest. Ranmaru manages to get in front of him to open the car door, too. Tokiya nods in thanks, and Ranmaru goes to his own side. “What hospital?” When Tokiya tells him the name, Ranmaru’s eyes narrow again. “That one’s really not known for being good. Why there?”

“It’s where my dad is.” 

Ranmaru’s mouth sets in a thin line, but he’d begin driving. It’s fairly quiet. 

“What are you thinking?” Ranmaru would ask Tokiya quietly. “I want you to be honest, too. I don’t want any bullshit right now.”

“I’m terrified.” Tokiya admits quietly, looking out of the window. “I’ve never gone through surgery, and I do wish I hadn’t agreed. But I did agree, so my hands are tied. I can’t back out now, even if I am scared. I just… I don’t want to deal with the pain from it. I don’t know if he’s worth it.” Tokiya’s voice would break towards the end of his speech.

Ranmaru’s hand would move, onto Tokiya’s knee, and that small act would almost make Tokiya cry. 

“I’m really sorry, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is almost inaudible. “I know I should have told you, but I was afraid. I… I know it was a stupid decision, and I think I knew that you’d be able to get me to reconsider it, if I gave you more time to. And I know you’d get me to reconsider it for me, because you care about _me_ but… I made my bed, and now I’ve got to lay in it. I can’t just agree to something and abandon it.”

“When it’s something like this, Tokiya, I don’t think it’s wrong to do that. It’s not like you’re giving blood. This is a _body part_, Tokiya. You don’t just regrow those.”

“Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. His next question isn’t defensive, or accusatory. If anything, it’s a bit childlike. “If you’re this angry at me, and this against it- why are you going with me?”

“I don’t like your decision, but it’s yours.” Ranmaru’s hands seem to tighten on the steering wheel. “You told me you’re scared. What sort of husband would I be if I just left you alone like that? You keep tellin’ me I don’t have to be here, but can you tell me honestly that you wouldn’t be miserable if I _wasn’t_ there for you?”

“...You’re right.” Tokiya would admit quietly. “I would have been miserable if you had listened to me and let me go alone.”

“Besides. Me not likin’ it gives me more of a reason to be there. I’d be worried sick if I knew you were doin’ this and I wasn’t there.”

Tokiya’s face would soften. 

“But please don’t pull this shit again.” Ranmaru’s voice is much gruffer. “This isn’t a situation that I want to get into a real fight over, because it’s… too serious. I don’t want you going into this upset, and I don’t want to be upset at you while you’re in a dangerous situation. But this is a one time thing. You need to start running these things past me, Toki.”

“I understand.” Tokiya does pause, just a bit too long with his answer, but Ranmaru doesn’t address it. “Thank you. I… you’re right. I wouldn’t have wanted to go into surgery knowing that you were mad at me.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a long time. “I love you, Tokiya.” His voice has a serious edge to it.

“I love you, too, Ranmaru.”

Ranmaru would have stayed with Tokiya at the hospital up until the point that he couldn’t. 

Tokiya was afraid. 

He was even more afraid, because when they put him out, he didn’t _feel_ like he was out. Physically, he was frozen, unable to move anything- but he still felt aware. 

He had heard horror stories of this happening. He had hoped they weren’t real, or that he’d be lucky enough to never experience it. 

It was agonizing, feeling the pain of the surgery. Of feeling the knife cutting into him, and the layers of skin and muscle being held open. Weren’t there some sort of tests they did, to make sure he _wasn’t_ awake? 

Nearly halfway in, Tokiya would have managed to get his fingers to twitch, trying to alert them of the agony he was experiencing. It didn’t matter. No one noticed. 

It felt like a lifetime until they had finally stitched him up and sent him back to his hospital room. 

It would have taken some time for the faulty anesthetic to wear off, but by the time it had, Tokiya would have finally managed to fall unconscious. 

He would have dreamt of the situation, and would have woken up to pain. He feels someone at his side, carefully touching his arms. He feels his stomach heaving, and he feels horrible, unbearable pain. It makes him cry harder, which makes the pain stronger, and he falls into a terrible cycle that he can’t seem to end. 

“It hurts.” He manages to wheeze out. “It hurts so bad.” He’s still sobbing. Something doesn’t feel right. 

He hears something- It’s Ranmaru, calling for a nurse. Tokiya is confused, and he’s in so much pain. He just wants the pain to stop. Was it supposed to hurt this badly? Was this normal?

After some bustling in his room that Tokiya hardly notices, he feels a burning sensation in his arm, and then finally, the pain begins to lessen. He starts to feel tired, but he’s not going to sleep just yet. He’s starting to regain awareness of the situation. He’s asked questions by the nurses, and he answers them in a way that clearly shows that he’s been sedated. He’s finally able to lean back against the bed, but there’s still more pain than he thinks that there should be. He can’t move without a flash of pain in his stomach. 

Tokiya doesn’t think he’s ever seen Ranmaru so worried. Ranmaru has forced himself against the wall, to let the nurses do their work, but it’s clear that he wants to be near Tokiya. That he doesn’t like doing nothing. 

Tokiya would sniffle a bit, bringing his hand up with a wince to wipe at his eyes. From the nurse’s reactions, it’s clear that they gave him a decent amount of painkillers just then.

There are multiple expressions that Tokiya can make out. Some of the nurses clearly seem to think that there’s something wrong- the others seem to think that he’s faking it. Tokiya had never really taken anything stronger than over the counter painkillers. He wasn’t an addict, nor did he have a history that would lead him to be one. Why would he fake this? _How_ could he fake this?

Most of the nurses leave, but one stays to take blood. Tokiya doesn’t even react to the needle. Normally he’d have to look away- because damn did Tokiya hate needles. He couldn’t bring himself to care. He was so tired. When the last nurse finally leaves, Ranmaru makes his way back to Tokiya’s bed. 

“What happened?” Ranmaru’s voice is careful, and quiet. 

“I don’t know.” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse. “I’ve never felt anything like that. It still hurts. It’s horrible.” 

Ranmaru would frown. 

“You... “ Tokiya feels a flash of fear go through him. “You don’t think I’m faking it too, do you?”

Ranmaru would give Tokiya a long look, and he’d click his tongue, though it’s still softer than Ranmaru usually acts. Especially in a public situation. “‘Course I don’t think you’re faking it. I’ve never seen you act like that in all of the years that I’ve known you, and I don’t think you’re some drug junkie, either. I almost wish you were faking it. But it seemed too genuine.”

The doctor would come in not long after, to do some tests. 

Not long after the tests, the doctor, and two nurses, would walk in. The doctor’s face is almost… embarrassed? Guilty? It’s not a good expression. It isn’t very obvious, but Tokiya can still read his expression. 

The doctor would begin by asking Tokiya if he could speak with Ranmaru in the room. Tokiya thinks that he might even be hoping that Tokiya would ask Ranmaru to leave. Of course Tokiya doesn’t. 

“He’s my husband. If there’s anyone that should know information about my health, it’s him.” Tokiya is still on painkillers, and is still in pain. At least it isn’t unbearable. He’s managing. 

He also notices how his answer pleases Ranmaru. Tokiya wonders if Ranmaru thought Tokiya _might_ ask him to leave the room. He hopes not. 

The doctor would tell Tokiya that they had messed up. The surgeons had gotten the _wrong_ instructions. Tokiya's surgery had gotten mixed up with someone else's. Turns out that Tokiya still had both of his kidneys, but his appendix was gone. 

Tokiya felt like they had made too large of a cut for that, but the wound was in the right place. 

And his body wasn't reacting well to the surgery. They were worried he had some internal bleeding.

Because they didn't know how to do surgeries, apparently.

The doctor doesn't say this, of course, but Tokiya couldn't stop thinking it.

Tokiya feels some anger. It’s dull, because he’s too out of it right now to feel properly angry- but he can tell that Ranmaru is livid. 

Sometimes Ranmaru gets angry over Tokiya. If someone says something insulting, or tries to pull one over on Tokiya. Things that Tokiya just lets happen, because he doesn’t think that it’s worth a fight. When Ranmaru gets angry, it isn’t that he doesn’t appreciate that Ranmaru is trying to defend him- but he also doesn’t think that Ranmaru needs to. He thinks he’s making too big of a deal out of something that doesn’t need to be.

That’s not how Tokiya feels this time when Ranmaru gets angry. 

Tokiya had experienced the worst pain of his life because of a mess up they didn’t catch.

And now he was being told that he’d need a second surgery to fix their fuck-up.

“Well that’s not happening here.” Ranmaru’s voice is cold. “If you don’t move him to another hospital, I’ll take him myself. He shouldn’t need another surgery. And you’re makin’ it sound like this is some unfortunate thing- it was _your_ fault, and you’re not taking responsibility.”

Ranmaru was right, too. 

They really were talking about it as if it wasn't their job to keep these things from happening. 

But Tokiya would get transferred. Ranmaru's anger hasn't lessened at all in the nearly two hours that they need to wait, but Tokiya would have a chance to speak to him while they waited. 

Ranmaru's hand is over Tokiya's but the gesture doesn't match his expression. Tokiya actually doesn't think he's ever seen Ranmaru _this_ angry. 

"You were right." Tokiya says quietly. His voice is raspy. "This hospital is terrible." 

Ranmaru lets out an angry huff, but it almost sounds like a laugh. 

"Look, Toki. This isn't the time, but-" Ranmaru's jaw sets. "You're not getting the kidney removed. Not now. Not after this. I don't really want you getting another surgery, but it sounds like one more is unavoidable. I don't want you going through another." 

Tokiya nods. "I don't… I don't think I want another surgery either. They put me under but-" His voice drops. "I felt it. I wasn't completely under." His lip would tremble, and he'd take a second to bite down on it to make it stop. "I managed to move. Not… a lot, but I moved and they didn't stop." How could none of them have noticed his fingers move? A room full of people, surrounded by a body that _shouldn't_ be moving. It might sound unbelievable-" He would frown, his eyes glancing away from Ranmaru's face. He was telling the truth, but he felt embarrassed. He was worried that Ranmaru probably thought he was hysterical. When he glances back at Ranmaru's face, it's serious. 

"I don't think you're making it up." Ranmaru says quietly. "They might not have sedated you right.  
Ranmaru’s anger is back. Or is showing through again. Tokiya isn’t sure exactly which one. “It’s gonna be fine. We’re gonna get you somewhere that can actually do their fuckin’ job and make you feel better.” Ranmaru holds onto Tokiya’s hand carefully. Tokiya had an IV in it, but when it was put in, it took them two times to try on his forearm before they settled on his hand. It hurt. Not nearly as much as the incorrect surgery, but his hand did still hurt. 

Ranmaru was able to ride in the front of the ambulance. He would have texted Ren, sending him some money and the hospital location to go pick up Ranmaru’s car. Ranmaru would trail behind them as they loaded Tokiya into a room. 

Tokiya has to go into another surgery, but they need some time to prep it. The pain has only begun to increase. Tokiya isn’t talkative. He’s lying still, staring at the ceiling and trying to ignore the pain. The harder he tries, the more he seems to focus on it. Ranmaru would walk to the side of his bed with no IV and take his hand. 

“Ran.” His voice is almost a whimper. He’s scared. Ranmaru squeezes his hand. “What if it happens again? I don’t… the last one hurt so bad.” He means the part where he was awake. He can’t remember the phrase for it. But he was so vague. 

He thinks Ranmaru understands. 

“It’s going to go fine, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice would then drop. “I’m sorry I let you go through with this. I shouldn’t have. And I shouldn’t have let you go to that hospital, either.”

“Not your fault.” Tokiya shakes his head, just slightly, but the painkillers are wearing off and even that brings pain. 

The nurse would come in, to let Tokiya know they were ready. Ranmaru would have squeezed Tokiya’s hand one last time. “I love you, babe. You’re gonna be fine.”

“I love you.”

Tokiya was afraid. He was afraid he wouldn’t be put out right. He was afraid it might go wrong. 

He was afraid he might not make it out. 

But he couldn’t tell Ranmaru that, because if it were to go bad, he wanted his last words to be good. 

Like I love you. 

Tokiya is petrified while they put him under, and they tell him to count down from 100. He gets to 91. 

He wakes up in a hospital bed, feeling groggy. He has a headache, but the pain is nothing like it was when he woke up in the last hospital bed. His stomach hurt, but it wasn’t anything unbearable. Tokiya couldn’t remember the surgery at all. No pain from it, or fear. He’d reach out for Ranmaru before he even sees if he’s in the room. 

“Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse and groggy. 

He’d see Ranmaru, asleep, his head leaned back against the wall and his arms crossed over his chest. Ranmaru _could_ be a deep sleeper, should he choose. But when he chose to be a light sleeper, he could do that, too. Today, Ranmaru was definitely a light sleeper. His head would snap up, and he’d yawn, cutting it off halfway to tiredly stumble to his feet. 

“‘M here.” Ranmaru would mumble, his voice still half asleep. “You’re okay. I’m here.”

Tokiya felt better when Ranmaru would grab his hand, squeezing it tightly. Ranmaru would have leaned down to carefully kiss Tokiya’s forehead, avoiding all of the wires by Tokiya’s bed. For a long moment they’d be quiet, while they both tried to wake up. 

“How are you feelin’?” Ranmaru would finally ask, searching Tokiya’s face. 

“I’m sore, but it’s manageable. I can deal with this. It doesn’t feel like… something’s wrong.” Tokiya had a cup of water sitting on the tray next to him, and he had drank it. It certainly helped his throat. 

“Good.”

Tokiya’s face would change into a cringe. “Oh God, the bills between both hospitals- I didn’t even get the procedure done that I was supposed to.” 

Ranmaru’s response is dry. “You’re not gonna be payin’ ‘em. Not that we couldn’t, but the other hospital’s covering your bills. For your messed up surgery and your recovery one. And if they don’t, I’m calling a lawyer. Unless you want one anyways, because I’m fuckin’ more than happy to.”

Tokiya would squeeze Ranmaru’s hand. “This horrifying ordeal is almost over. I just want to be done with it.” Tokiya would then frown. “I’m already going to have to face my father after backing out.”

“...You just woke up. I’m not tryin’ to upset you, but I also really hope you don’t start second guessin’ yourself. We can really talk this out later, I just want you to know that you’re not doing anything you need to feel bad about.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost stern.

Tokiya manages a smile, squeezing Ranmaru’s hand. “I appreciate that.”

It takes nearly two weeks for Tokiya to be released. 

For the most part, he was okay. Bored, of course, but he was alright. 

The cut had gotten infected, because Tokiya’s luck was terrible. So he had to go on antibodies and the doctors had to watch it for a few days. The main problem was how badly it hurt. 

It wasn’t the hospital’s fault. Tokiya had basically gone through _two_ consecutive surgeries, one done poorly. 

Ranmaru would have walked into Tokiya clearly upset one afternoon. It had been the afternoon where he found out that he’d be stuck there for a few more days after they learned of the infection. 

“Shit. What happened?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow. Tokiya is sitting up in bed, and his lip would tremble, and he’d bite down on it. He was really upset over staying longer. He hated hospitals. And even though Ranmaru was bringing him books, it was still boring. If he had to be in bed, he wanted to be in _his_ bed.

Ranmaru would walk closer. Tokiya was still hooked up on wires, so he couldn’t do much, but he’d set his hand on Tokiya’s cheek, and Tokiya would break, the tears welling up in his eyes and spilling onto his cheeks. Ranmaru’s thumb would run across his cheek to catch some of the tears. “I have to stay longer. I got an infection.” 

Ranmaru would sigh, and he’d lean forward to kiss Tokiya’s forehead. “I know it’s hard, but you’ve gotta be alright before you can come home. If you aren’t, you’re going to have to come back.”

Tokiya tries not to sob, but he can’t help it. All Ranmaru can really do is to keep his hand pressed against Tokiya’s cheek. It’s all the physical comfort he’s able to offer right now. 

It would take some time for Tokiya to cry himself out. He doesn’t mind breaking down in front of Ranmaru. He wasn’t always great at being honest with his emotions, even with Ranmaru, but he normally hid it so he didn’t worry Ranmaru. As he was proving now, it wasn’t because he was embarrassed, or worried about being vulnerable. 

Towards the end of his stay, one of the doctors would have come in and told Tokiya that he was physically well enough to go through with the transplant he had come in for. 

Tokiya’s stomach would twist with nerves. He’d fumble over his response for a moment. He was alone in the room, because Ranmaru hasn’t come by to visit yet. Ranmaru had come almost every day, though usually only for an hour or two. It was the time of day that Tokiya looked forward to the most. 

“I’d like to talk to my husband first.” Tokiya would settle on. 

The doctor would promise to return later. 

Tokiya would have been quiet for a few minutes, but his mind would have begun to wander. Maybe this was some sort of fate. Maybe he should go through with it after all. 

He’d call Ranmaru before he managed to make up his mind. 

“Everythin’ alright?” Ranmaru’s voice is cautious. He answered quickly, but Tokiya can tell he’s on speaker. 

“I’m sorry, did I call while you were driving?”

“I’m on my way there. Talkin’ over the car speaker. Did something happen?” 

“...Yes. But if you’re heading over, it can wait until you get here. I don’t mean to worry you.” 

“It’s my job. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be there in ten.” Ranmaru does sound stressed, but he hangs up, and Tokiya waits. He grabs a book, but he’s having trouble turning his mind off. 

Ranmaru would come in, looking serious. He’d pull up a chair, clearly expecting bad news. 

Tokiya’s lips would press together, and he’d swallow hard, his voice quiet. “They came in to tell me I was healthy enough for my original procedure.”

“No.” Ranmaru’s response is immediate. “Tokiya, I really don’t want you goin’ through with this.” Ranmaru’s voice is stern. 

“Okay.” Tokiya’s voice is softer. He does feel scolded, but he’s trying not to make it obvious. 

Ranmaru’s face softens when Tokiya gives in so quickly. He reaches out, grabbing Tokiya’s hand. “‘M not tryin’ to get on you, babe. I just need to make sure that you’re thinkin’ about you. If you’re gonna have trouble sayin’ no, I’m more than happy to stay in the room with you.”

“Please.” Tokiya would nod slightly, gripping onto Ranmaru’s hand. “I… I do feel responsible. And I feel bad not going through with it. But I’m really scared, too. And the idea of going through with it makes me really scared. Thank you, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice gets very soft towards his last sentence. “If you weren’t here with me, I don’t know what I would have done.”

“‘Course. I don’t always agree with what you do, Toki, but even through the decisions I don’t agree with, I’m not gonna leave you.” Ranmaru’s face does get a bit… annoyed for a second. “Have you been checkin’ your phone much?”

“I don’t get good reception. I’ve been using the hospital phone.” 

“‘S probably for the best.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “Your dad reached out to me today.”

Tokiya’s eyes would widen, and then his face would turn guilty. “I’m sorry-”

Ranmaru would shake his head. “It’s not your fault. I wouldn’t ‘a even cared, if he would’ve called because he was worried about you. ‘S not how it came across. That’s… it’s your dad, Toki, and I’m not gonna talk shit about him, but I really don’t think he deserves a kidney from you. Not somethin’ that serious. I think it’d be best to tell him to get on a list.”

Tokiya would get quiet, but he’d nod. 

Ranmaru would mumble, “Soon, babe. We’ll get you outta here soon, and I’ll take care ‘a you at home. Just us. No more surgeries, or needles, or any of that shit. I promise.”

Tokiya would smile. “I love you, Ran. With all of my heart and then some.”

Ranmaru’s lip turns up at the corner. “Love you, too, Toki.” 

The doctor would reenter the room, and Tokiya’s grip would tighten just a bit on Ranmaru’s hand, nervous. He’d swallow. “I’m… sorry. I’ve been through more surgeries recently than I would have liked, and I’m not ready to go through another just yet. I hate to go back on what I said- but I can’t handle another procedure right now.”

The doctor would nod, and he would tell Tokiya that he understood. He would tell Tokiya that he should be released in the next few days, if he wasn’t going through with the surgery. When he leaves the room, Ranmaru would squeeze Tokiya’s hand. 

The next day is the day he would get released- and Tokiya thinks that they might just need the bed. It was fine. He didn’t want to be here anyways. 

Ranmaru would come to pick Tokiya up. They’d make him stay in a wheelchair until he had gotten to his car, and even then Ranmaru would help him into the car. Tokiya would have gotten tired in just that short time frame of getting into the car. 

Tokiya hadn’t meant to, but he’d have fallen asleep in the car on the ride home. When Tokiya would reawaken, he’d be lying in bed, his cellphone on the table next to him. Ranmaru isn’t in the room, but it’s also only about three in the afternoon. 

“Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is cracking and pathetic. He doesn’t feel very well, and his throat is painfully dry. He’d blink away the childish tears that would have begun to prick his eyes. “Ran?” He’d try calling again, his voice almost a bit panicky. 

After a second, the door would have pushed open. It wasn’t entirely closed in the first place, and Ranmaru would have frowned. “Thought I heard you callin’ me. ‘S what I left your phone there for, babe.”

Tokiya would get quiet, embarrassed. He guesses that makes sense. Ranmaru would walk closer to him, examining his face. His frown would deepen. “You don’t look so hot. What’s goin’ on? What do you need?”

“Water please.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, and cracking, and it hurts to talk. 

“Got it. I’ll be right back.” Ranmaru would squeeze Tokiya’s hand, resting over the blanket, and he’d head out for the water. Tokiya’s stomach hurt. 

Ranmaru would be back quickly with two bottles. Even from a glance Tokiya can tell that one is cold and one is room temperature. Even though he feels miserable, he’d smile just a bit at the thoughtfulness of it. “Which one do you want?” 

“Cold.” Tokiya would reach out for the frostier looking bottle, but Ranmaru would set down the warm one and then makes Tokiya sit up. Tokiya really doesn’t want to, but he would, because he wants the water. Ranmaru doesn’t let go of the bottle, which keeps Tokiya from downing the water. It doesn’t keep Tokiya from trying. Ranmaru wouldn’t let him get more than half of the bottle down. 

“I know you’re thirsty, but you’re gonna regret it if you drink it too fast. You’re still healin’.” Ranmaru mutters. 

Tokiya would frown, and Ranmaru would relent enough to let Tokiya take a few more sips from the bottle, but then he’d close it and help Tokiya lie back down. 

Ranmaru would set the bottle down, but he’d actually climb into the bed this time to lie down with Tokiya. 

“What’s wrong?” Tokiya would notice that Ranmaru’s face wasn’t quite right. He seemed… angry. 

“It’s nothin’ Toki. I’m alright.”

Tokiya would frown. “Please?”

Ranmaru would sigh. “‘S just another call from your dad. He’s… unrightfully angry. So if you get messages and calls, don’t answer ‘em, alright? I don’t want him upsettin’ you right now.”

“Alright.” Tokiya would move, setting his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder. He’s still on his back, unable to comfortably turn on his side, lying at an angle. But Ranmaru shifts to make Tokiya as comfortable as he can be, and Tokiya’s content, touching Ranmaru. 

“I like the compliance, but I hate that it’s only comin’ because you’re in this bad of a state.” Ranmaru sighs. 

“I’m… going to try to get better, Ran.” Tokiya promises quietly. “If I had talked to you about this, I wouldn’t be in this miserable state. I don’t… I’m so tired of being in pain, Ran.”

Tokiya has to blink back tears. His voice had turned into a bit of a whine. 

Ranmaru’s hand moves up to pet through Tokiya’s hair. Tokiya needed a shower, but Ranmaru didn’t really seem to care. Tokiya’s eyes would begin to feel heavy, and he’d have to fight to keep them open.

“It’s alright, Toki. You can sleep.”

Tokiya would make a noise, but he’d let his eyes close. Ranmaru’s voice has sounded… sad. It made Tokiya sad. 

Tokiya would wake up, writhing in pain. He’d cry out, and he’d try to curl in on himself, to clutch at his stomach, but Ranmaru, even as groggy and out of it as he is, would wrap his arms around Tokiya’s shoulders, holding him down. As Ranmaru starts to try to register what’s going on, he’d keep one hand around Tokiya’s shoulders, keeping Tokiya’s hands away from his healing wound with his other. 

Tokiya is crying, and whimpering, and trying to fight against Ranmaru’s hold. “It hurts, it hurts, it hurts.” He’d repeat, shaking. His stomach felt like it was on fire. He could feel the scar on his stomach- which he shouldn’t have been able to. He didn’t understand, he just knew that it _hurt_ and he wanted it to stop. 

“Toki, shit, babe, you’ve gotta try to calm down.” All of Ranmaru’s attention right now was on holding Tokiya down. “You’re gonna hurt yourself worse.”

Tokiya tries to keep himself still, but it’s so difficult. When he stills enough, Ranmaru turns on the light by the bedside table, still holding down Tokiya’s chest. 

Tokiya’s face is a mess. It’s covered in tears and panic and pain, and his heaving breaths are only making the pain worse. 

“I think we need to go to the hospital.” Ranmaru says quietly, examining Tokiya’s face. He was definitely awake now. 

“No, no, please Ran, please, no.” Tokiya would begin to return to the hysterics, and Ranmaru would have to return his other hand to keep Tokiya still. 

“Toki.” Ranmaru says sternly. “Calm down.” 

“I can’t, I’m trying, I’m sorry I can’t.” Tokiya sobs out. He really isn’t trying to panic, but he can’t seem to stop the whimpers. 

One of Ranmaru’s hands moves to Tokiya’s face, “Ssh, you’re gonna be okay. I know it hurts, but if you keep freakin’ out it’s only gonna get worse. Deep, slow breaths, Toki.” 

Tokiya tries. It’s hard. Ranmaru reaches over Tokiya, into the nightstand. He feels Ranmaru’s hand over his mouth, and he realizes that Ranmaru has a pill. 

When was the last time Tokiya took a pain pill? They were prescribed for every four hours, but Tokiya couldn’t remember taking any. Ranmaru would reach for the bottle of water after he had gotten Tokiya to take the pill, and he’d be careful with the bottle because Tokiya can’t sit up right now. 

It’s over thirty minutes that Tokiya spends with his chest in Ranmaru’s lap, his head cradled against Ranmaru’s stomach, crying and whimpering and shaking. 

It finally starts to die down as the pill finally starts to do its job. When it does, Ranmaru reaches down, pulling up Tokiya’s shirt. The scar is red and irritated, but it doesn’t look inflamed or infected. 

“I hope that reaction was from not takin’ the medicine. But if it happens again, we’re goin’ to the hospital.” Ranmaru would say quietly. “I know you don’t want to, but I’m playin’ around too much not taking you tonight.”

Tokiya would sniff. “I’m sorry.” His voice is really hoarse. “And I just told you I’d listen to you, too.”

Ranmaru would give a heavy sigh, his fingers brushing across Tokiya’s cheek. “You get a pass tonight.” He says gruffly. “You seemed really out of it. I don’t know how much pain you were in, but jesus.” Ranmaru would frown. 

“It was bad.” Tokiya says quietly. “I’m so sick of it. I’m sick of being in pain.”

“I know, babe. I wish I could do somethin’ to make it better.”

It would take a very long time until Tokiya could finally fall asleep. The next morning Tokiya would have found out that Ranmaru had taken some time off of work to take care of Tokiya. A type of FMLA. 

That was a nice part about Tokiya and Ranmaru being legally married- the benefits. Like Ranmaru being able to take time off for Tokiya. Tokiya did appreciate it. It was hard to do a lot of things by himself, because he was still healing and recovering, and there was still pain even with the medication. 

Luckily he didn’t have another night like the first night back, but Ranmaru would make it a habit to check over Tokiya’s wound to see how it was healing. Tokiya didn’t mind. 

Ranmaru did get on Tokiya a lot though because Tokiya had a bad habit of picking or scratching at the wound. 

Ranmaru usually caught him, looking over at him with narrowed eyes. “Toki-” That was typically all he’d have to say to get Tokiya to pull his hand away, like a child being caught doing something naughty. 

Sometimes, Ranmaru would just grab Tokiya’s hand. 

They got the same point across. 

And then Tokiya finally felt well enough to begin to address all of the communications from his father. 

There were a lot of texts, and a lot of calls. And at first, they hadn’t started that bad. They were genuine questions about his surgery- the kidney transplant one. And maybe his father wouldn’t have been as angry at him if he hadn’t said he would give his kidney, but he was angry when Tokiya backed out. He also seemed angry that Tokiya wouldn’t respond. 

The texts and the calls all told the same story. 

“I should talk to him.” Tokiya would say miserably. 

“If you go, I’m gonna go, too.” Ranmaru would say. They had been on the couch, Ranmaru’s arm around Tokiya’s shoulders. Tokiya would nod. 

So that’s where they’d end up going. 

Tokiya was glad to have Ranmaru with him. He may have backed down far easier if Ranmaru wasn’t with him. 

Tokiya’s head would have been bowed a bit walking in. Ranmaru’s hand is on Tokiya’s lower back. 

Tokiya still isn’t pain free, nor is he walking right yet. He’s still sore and he’s still healing. He’s off of the pain medication, but only recently. 

His father’s face is guarded when Tokiya comes to visit. Tokiya knows that his father is going to be careful- because Ranmaru’s in the room. Tokiya’s father wasn’t necessarily the best person, but Tokiya didn’t think he was a bad person either. Tokiya understood being scared and in pain, unfortunately very well- but he still felt that this wouldn’t go great. 

Tokiya wouldn’t have stayed long, and would have left upset.

His father didn’t understand. Tokiya’s father seemed upset that Tokiya had backed out. Especially because the better hospital had still wanted to go through with the surgery. So, all in all, his father wasn’t very sympathetic to Tokiya’s plight- which would have annoyed Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru would have stayed quiet, letting Tokiya handle the situation. 

Tokiya knew that had he relented when his father asked if he was planning to change his mind, Ranmaru likely would have spoken up. But Tokiya had apologized and told his father that he should put his name on the list. 

The last thing that Tokiya would have relented to, right before he had left, would have been a very quiet- “If it becomes a true life or death matter, I’ll re-evalute my decision. But right now, all of the surgical failures have taken a serious toll on my health, both physical and mental. As my father- I’d wish you’d consider that.” And he would have left. 

It wasn’t enough of an assurance for Ranmaru to speak up about it. 

“I’m not tellin’ you what you said was wrong.” Ranmaru would eventually say, quietly, as they’re leaving the hospital. “But I hope that it never gets to that point. If it does- I hope you talk to me before you make any decisions.”

Tokiya would nod. “I will.” He’d promise. “I know I don’t always show it, but I know that you’re coming from a good place.” Tokiya would give a soft, if a bit teasing, smile. “You can be a little rough, but I also know that you’re trying to make decisions in my best interest.”

“You do have a habit of choosin’ when you wanna be selfish and selfless.” Ranmaru huffs, but he doesn’t seem upset. Ranmaru would look around the hospital as they exit through the front doors, and he’d scowl. “I’d like to get you checked out, but like hell if I’m stopping here.”

“I don’t think I need a hospital, anyways. It’s healing.”

“Not very fast.” Ranmaru would sigh. “But you’re right. I do want you to check with a doctor or quick care or somethin’ soon. Just because of all the other issues it’s been giving you.”

“I can handle a quick care.” Tokiya would relent. Ranmaru would squeeze Tokiya’s hand, the one he’s holding in his own. 

Tokiya didn’t quite expect Ranmaru to take him _immediately_, but he’d go with it. 

Like Tokiya thought- it’s a little rough, but it’s healing. It’s just going to take a while. 

They’d go back home, and Tokiya would collapse in bed. “Ran? You should come lay down.” He’d mumble into a pillow. Ranmaru would chuckle a bit from across the room, and he’d change clothes before he’d finally head towards the bed. 

“How’re you feelin’?”

“Tired.” Tokiya would mumble. 

“I mean physically.”

“I’m a little sore, but it’s not too bad.” 

“Good. Then go get outta your jeans.”

Tokiya would groan into the pillow. “I changed my mind. I’m dying.”

Tokiya thinks he can hear Ranmaru roll his eyes, but when Ranmaru walks to Tokiya’s side of the bed and begins to take off Tokiya’s jeans, Tokiya just lets him. “Guess you’re sleepin’ in your underwear then.”

“‘M fine with that.” Tokiya mumbles. “As long as you get in bed soon. I’m cold.”

Ranmaru clicks his tongue, and covers Tokiya’s now bare legs with a blanket. He was only wearing a t-shirt, so Ranmaru would just leave him in it as he walks to his side of the bed. He gets under the blanket, and Tokiya pulls himself over to Ranmaru. He sets his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder, and his hand on Tokiya’s chest. Ranmaru’s left arm would stretch around, holding Tokiya, and his hand lands on Tokiya’s wrist. 

Tokiya’s tired, but he’d open his eyes, just a bit. He’d see his hand, and the thin, golden band around his left ring finger, and he’d smile a bit at the slightly wider, silver band on Ranmaru’s. 

They didn’t match- but it was purposeful. Ranmaru insisted on Tokiya’s because it was elegant, and apparently that was how Tokiya held himself. Tokiya chose Ranmaru’s, because it was simple, straightforward, and it was very… Ranmaru. There was no outfit that Ranmaru wore that _didn’t_ match with the ring. 

Tokiya would smile, and he’d close his eyes. 

He’d fall asleep.


	24. Chapter Twenty-Four

Tokiya was fairly happy. He was in a good relationship with his husband, Ranmaru, and he was a former idol. He hadn’t performed in a while, and he missed it, but he was aging on and it just hadn’t worked out. 

Ranmaru hadn’t worked as an idol in even longer, so Tokiya didn’t often bring it up. 

Hayato had been gone for longer. Ranmaru had heard stories, but he had never actually _met_ Hayato, or had even really seen Hayato in action. 

Until recently, that was. 

Tokiya hadn’t been feeling well lately. He had been getting headaches and migraines. There had been quite a few days where he couldn’t even make it out of bed because the light would just _hurt_. Ranmaru was doing a poor job in hiding his worry. 

Especially when he had come back home from visiting an old friend and had found Tokiya on the floor of the living room, having fainted. When Ranmaru would have went to move Tokiya, it would have been the start of his strange behavior. Because Ranmaru would have went to lift Tokiya, and he would have stirred. He’d smile softly up at Ranmaru, and Ranmaru’s eyebrows would have furrowed. 

Tokiya doesn’t really seem to be seeing him. There’s a glazed look in his eyes. 

“Tokiya?” Ranmaru would grunt, his voice holding an obvious tone of worry. Tokiya doesn’t react. 

Tokiya doesn’t react when Ranmaru lifts him, either. It’s not until Ranmaru has brought him out to the car that Tokiya starts to react again. Ranmaru knows that Tokiya has a very clear… distaste for the hospital, but Ranmaru didn’t feel he had a choice here. Something was seriously wrong, and he wasn’t going to let it go untreated. 

Tokiya had been brushing it off for months. When he’d be stuck in bed he’d insist that it would eventually pass. Even Tokiya couldn’t come up with an excuse for _why_ it was happening, but he refused to get it checked out, despite Ranmaru’s continuous insistence. This was all they’d even fight over anymore, but neither side would give in and it had strained their relationship. 

Ranmaru hated it. Especially when he was coming from a place of concern. 

Tokiya’s looking around, and when he speaks, his voice is so soft. “Where are we going?”

Ranmaru would stop at a red light and would take a second to take in Tokiya’s face. He sees tears in Tokiya’s eyes, making them shiny, and he seems scared, though he’s trying to hide it. When Tokiya sees Ranmaru taking him in, he smiles, but it’s small and strained. It would make Ranmaru frown. 

“We’re goin’ to the hospital.” Ranmaru has to look back to the road as the light changes. He’d set his jaw, preparing for an arguement. 

“Why?” Tokiya sounds surprised. “Is… are we going because of _me?_”

“Toki, you fainted. I found you on the floor of the livin’ room.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow. His expression is a mix of concerned and stern. 

“Did I?” There’s fear in Tokiya’s voice, and it would make Ranmaru’s chest ache. Ranmaru would reach over to squeeze Tokiya’s hand. 

“Yeah. What’s the last thing you remember?”

Tokiya’s grip on Ranmaru’s hand would tighten, and he _really_ sounded scared now, his voice trembling. “I don’t know. I can’t… I don’t know.” Tokiya’s free hand would press against his head, and when Ranmaru would glance at Tokiya’s face, some tears had worked their way onto his cheeks. 

“Hey, hey, it’s alright.” Ranmaru would say quickly, his thumb running over Tokiya’s hand. He has to focus on the road, but it’s difficult. “Don’t think about it, okay? If it’s hurtin’ you, don’t push it.”

“But I’d like to answer you.” Tokiya admits quietly. 

“Don’t. I care a lot more about you than I care about an answer, Toki.”

Tokiya would be quiet for some time as they’d pull into the hospital. Tokiya wouldn’t fight against it- but he doesn’t look _resigned_ either. 

“Are you okay?” Tokiya would ask quietly, watching Ranmaru’s face. 

“Me?” Ranmaru’s face is conflicted. “Don’t think you should be worryin’ ‘bout me.” He’d say dryly, before he’d sigh. “You’re not fightin’ me. How bad is it?”

“Why would I fight you?” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, and he looks sad. “You seem worried, and you told me I fainted. It makes sense to go to the hospital.”

Ranmaru would blink, and he’d carefully set his hand on Tokiya’s cheek. Tokiya would lean into his hand, closing his eyes for a second, and Ranmaru would press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “You gonna be able to move okay?”

“I’m… not sure. I may need some help.” Tokiya admits quietly. 

Tokiya, admitting he needed help? Something really _must_ be wrong. 

“‘Course.” Ranmaru would get out of the car, and by the time he’s made it to Tokiya’s side, Tokiya has his door open. Ranmaru grabs his arm to help pull him up. Tokiya is able to move, but he’s unsteady on his feet, swaying and stumbling. Ranmaru simply helps to steady him, and he feels Tokiya leaning fairly heavily on him, but he seems alright with Ranmaru’s help. 

They have to stay for a while. Tokiya seems calm the entire time, if a bit scared. Ranmaru notices how little Tokiya tenses up when they insert the IV, which is another sign to Ranmaru that something isn’t right. But Ranmaru stays by Tokiya’s side the entire night- though Tokiya doesn’t talk very much. 

Eventually, after a few tests to show better what’s inside of Tokiya’s head, the doctor would come in to tell the two what exactly was happening. 

A part of Tokiya’s brain had swelled up and was pressing against Tokiya’s skull, as well as other parts of his brain. At the moment, it wasn’t dangerous, but it would have effects on Tokiya’s memory, and would likely result in changes to his personality, as well as continuing with the migraines he was getting, and the doctor would tell them that the fainting was normal, too, for the pressure. 

Eventually, it could start affecting Tokiya’s movement and motor functions, but it wasn’t quite swollen enough yet. But there was a surgery that should be able to fix it, and should, in theory, return Tokiya to normal. Of course, it’s a dangerous surgery, as anything involving your head is. 

The doctor would insist that Tokiya take some time to think about it- but to not take _too_ long.

Tokiya would be released that night, particularly because he didn’t live alone. He would also be given a prescription of painkillers to help with the migraines. Tokiya is silent until they’re driving back. 

“So I’m… not the same person?” Tokiya would ask, frowning. 

“What do you mean?” Ranmaru’s voice is almost careful, because Tokiya sounds upset. 

“My… personality. It’s different?” 

Ranmaru would get quiet for a long moment. “It is. You’re… less of a pain in the ass. But… you’re… softer, I think. It is… still different.”

Tokiya does seem to be thinking something, but he doesn’t bring it up, until Ranmaru encourages him. 

“What’s on your mind?” He’d pull into the driveway of their simple two-story, three bedroom house. 

“I’m afraid.” Tokiya would admit, not yet moving to get out of the car. “I… feel like I should get the surgery. For myself, and for you. I feel… like I fake, I suppose.”

This is where it would strike Ranmaru, just what Tokiya is acting like. Just who. Ranmaru wonders if this is what Hayato acted like. If maybe that personality had been drawn out. Ranmaru’s hand would reach out, squeezing Tokiya’s shoulder. “Don’t.” He meets Tokiya’s eye, his expression serious. “The doctor told you to think about it. When it starts to really affect your health, then I’m gonna be all for it. But when you get it, I want you ‘t get it for your health. Just don’t… rush into it, okay?”

Tokiya would look at Ranmaru’s face for a long second, and he’d have to blink back tears, and he’d swallow hard and smile at Ranmaru. “Thank you.”

Ranmaru would just squeeze Tokiya’s shoulder again, and he’d get out of the car. Tokiya has gotten out of his side by the time that Ranmaru’s out, but Tokiya has to lean heavily against Ranmaru on the way in. 

“Would you be okay stayin’ in the guest room? Dunno if I really feel comfortable with you goin’ upstairs right now.”

“I can do that.” Tokiya would tilt his head, just slightly, unable to fully nod. His headache was only beginning to grow. Ranmaru’s thumb would brush comfortingly against Tokiya’s side, clearly able to tell Tokiya’s discomfort. 

“I’ll get you settled ‘n then I’ll go ahead and get you some more comfortable clothes.”

“Thank you.”

Ranmaru wasn’t used to Tokiya so easily letting Ranmaru care for him. It was almost unsettling, but it wouldn’t keep Ranmaru from taking advantage of it. He’d get Tokiya sitting in the guest room and he’d head upstairs, grabbing clothes out of the drawer before coming back downstairs. Tokiya’s head is in his hands, and he’s pressing on his temples. Ranmaru would drop the clothes on the bed, quickly moving in front of Tokiya. Ranmaru’s hands wrap around his wrists, but he doesn’t pull Tokiya’s hands away- Ranmaru’s voice drops to a mumble. “D’ya need aspirin?” 

Tokiya’s painkillers wouldn’t be ready until tomorrow. 

“Please.” Tokiya’s voice is strained with pain.

Ranmaru would stand, letting go of Tokiya, though Tokiya’s hand would reach out, grabbing Ranmaru’s arm, evidently on impulse. 

“I’m gonna be right back, Toki.” 

“I- I know. Just… can I have just a second?” Tokiya’s voice is almost apologetic. Ranmaru would step closer, his free hand moving to Tokiya’s upper arm, rubbing it up and down comfortingly. 

“‘Course. I won’t leave ‘til you’re ready.”

Tokiya’s grip would take some time to finally loosen, and then he’d slowly release Ranmaru’s wrist entirely. “Okay.” His voice is a whisper. “Thank you.”

Ranmaru’s hand would lift to Tokiya’s cheek for just a few seconds, and then he’d leave the room to grab some water and aspirin and returning quickly. 

Tokiya would gladly take the aspirin and water from Ranmaru, taking it almost immediately. 

“Is it… making you uncomfortable? Treating me like… nothing happened?” 

“Is it makin’ you?” Ranmaru’s eyes would meet Tokiya’s. 

“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I can’t seem to recall many specific memories, but I love you.” Tokiya’s voice is very certain. “I do understand that I’m not acting right, though. So, if you find it difficult to be around me- I would understand if you couldn’t.” He would give a soft, if a bit sad, smile. 

Ranmaru would click, and he’d walk forward, carefully holding onto Tokiya. “I married you. And when I did, one of the vows were in sickness and in health. I’m stickin’ with that, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice would actually drop, and he’d squeeze Tokiya. “I love you, too.”

Tokiya would return Ranmaru’s embrace. His head is still pounding painfully, but he ignores it for now, just holding onto Ranmaru. “Would… you be comfortable sleeping in the guest room with me tonight?”

“‘Course.” Ranmaru would rub Tokiya’s back. “I’m gonna stick with you through all of this. Any way y’need me.” 

Tokiya would smile, though Ranmaru can’t see it, with Tokiya’s face buried in the crook of Ranmaru’s neck. 

“You should get changed.” Tokiya would mumble. “Unless you’re not ready to sleep yet.”

Ranmaru would snort. “I can sleep whenever. One of my many talents.” Tokiya would chuckle, and Ranmaru can feel the smile against his neck. “You’ve gotta let me go though, if I’m gonna get changed.”

“Must I?” Tokiya would sigh, pulling back with another smile that almost seems to be weighed down. “I’m afraid I do have to lie down, though. My head is pounding.” 

“I’ll be back down. If you manage to fall asleep, I’ll try not ‘t wake you.”

“If I do fall asleep- goodnight.” Tokiya would squeeze Ranmaru’s forearm. 

“G’night, Toki.”

Tokiya isn’t quite asleep when Ranmaru comes back into the bedroom, and when Ranmaru lies down in the bed, Tokiya turns, facing Ranmaru. When Tokiya gets closer, Ranmaru wraps his arms around him. 

It takes some time for Ranmaru to fall asleep, just holding onto Tokiya. 

Of course he loved Tokiya. Honestly, it was nice, having Tokiya listen to him. Having Tokiya understand that Ranmaru only wanted to help. But it still wasn’t right. He never in his life thought that he’d wish that Tokiya was fighting him, every fucking step of the way, but he did. 

And Ranmaru was afraid. Even if the doctor had said that it wasn’t deadly yet, that was still a _yet_. But even so, having Tokiya close to him was comforting. 

Ranmaru would eventually fall asleep, lulled by Tokiya’s warmth and steady breathing. 

The next week was an adjustment. Tokiya was softer than usual- and happier, admittedly. He smiled a lot. Much more often than Tokiya usually smiled. 

Tokiya also picked up Ranmaru’s emotions a lot easier. Or, maybe it wasn’t that he noticed more- maybe it was that he commented on more. Ranmaru didn’t want to entirely discredit Tokiya- it just seemed like right now he was a lot more… communicative. 

Ranmaru hadn’t even realized that he was giving Tokiya longer looks until Tokiya would have met one of them with an apologetic expression. “I’m sorry if I’m making you sad.” He’d say softly.

Ranmaru would blink, and he’d frown. “I dunno if that’s the right word. ‘M just tryin’ to get used to your…” Ranmaru would pause, and then he’d grunt out the next word. “Differences.”

“I’m sure it’s not an easy adjustment. Would it help to talk about it?”

The look is back in Ranmaru’s eyes, and he’d sigh. “You’re like a healthier version of Tokiya, and it just makes me wonder.” His eyebrows would lower, his face darkening. “You’re not… unlike yourself entirely. But it’s not right that the biggest difference I can see is that you seem happier.”

Tokiya would sigh, and he’d lay his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. "I- really don't have any solid, believable memories, and I'm sorry about that. But what I can tell you is that I love you. And I'm sure that no matter how I act, I was happy. With how strongly I feel for you, there isn't a possibly way that I was unhappy. At least not all of the time. I would go so far as to even say most of the time. On basic instinct I knew I held a very deep respect and trust for you." 

"...Thank you, Toki."

Tokiya would smile softly up at Ranmaru, but this one almost felt different. Like a different reflection of Toki. Like the one he knew best.

The very next day, Tokiya would have come up to Ranmaru, extremely scared and clearly about to cry. There would be blood trailing down the side of his face, all of which would alert Ranmaru. 

"I-I think I fainted." Tokiya's bottom lip would tremble. Looking closely, _all_ of Tokiya was trembling. Ranmaru would carefully pull him close. 

"How long ago was that?" 

"I just woke up on the floor. I think I hit my head on the table."

Ranmaru would frown. "Let's get that taken care of. I'm glad you let me know. I'll be sure to keep a better eye on ya, alright?" 

"This wasn't your fault!" Tokiya's eyes would go a bit wide, and he's almost frantically shake his head. 

"I'm not blamin' myself." Ranmaru would reassure him. The worried look is still there. "Just usin' it as a teaching moment. That's all."

Ranmaru would usher Tokiya into the bathroom to take care of the bleeding. It seemed shallow, but Ranmaru would watch him pretty closely for the rest of the day, with constant check-ups, trying to make sure he hadn't given himself a concussion, or anything worse 

It would have been two days later when Tokiya would have stood in front of Ranmaru, looking scared, but really trying to look resolute. Brave. "I want to do the surgery." He'd give a small, slightly scared smile.

"You still look freaked." Ran would say flatly. "I told you, Tokiya, don't rush this." Now his tone is scolding. 

"I'm not." Tokiya promises. "I really did think this through. It's… a very serious surgery. There isn't a way that I'm not going to be afraid." He'd admit. "But I'm… I'm in a lot of pain, Ran." His voice is quiet. His voice had consistently been softer, since he had started acting differently, but this wasn't the same. "I don't know how I managed before. It's bad, and the medicine doesn't help." His voice turns almost childlike. "I just want it to end." 

Ranmaru's face is the softest it's been yet, and he'd pull Tokiya into a close hug. "Jesus… if it's that bad, I'd have tried to tell you to do it sooner. 'S not worth bein' in pain, babe."

Tokiya would have held on tightly to Ranmaru. "I love you. I know you don't hear it enough. If there's one thing I hope I come out of this with is the reminder that I need to say it more."

Ranmaru would be quiet, but he'd rub Tokiya's back. 

The doctor would have gotten Tokiya in the very next day. He's clearly petrified, but having Ranmaru with him until he went in had put him at ease.

Even with the numbing, it was terrifying. They couldn't put him out, because of the type of surgery, and he couldn't see or feel it- but it was still _scary_. 

He would have fallen asleep when it was over. When he was allowed to. He would have woken up, Ranmaru beside him in the hospital room. 

Tokiya was in quite a lot of pain- but he'd manage a slight smile at Ranmaru. 

"How're you feelin'?" Ranmaru's voice is cautious. 

"Alright." Tokiya's throat is dry, and his voice is a bit pained. 

"Really?" Ranmaru's voice is a bit dry. 

Tokiya would pause, and then he'd grimace. "It… might hurt. Quite a bit."

"Nice to see that you're back." There's quite a bit of fondness in his grumble. "I'm gonna get a nurse." 

"Wait." Tokiya would reach out, grabbing Ranmaru's hand and squeezing, and he'd manage one more soft smile. "I just wanted to remind you- I love you."


	25. Chapter Twenty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; human trafficking

Ren was scared. 

It was a feeling he had gotten used to. At the moment, he was kneeling in the back of a transport van, a blindfold wrapped around his head and his ankles and wrists tied tightly.

Ren had been used to being bound, normally uncomfortably, but surprisingly they had used some sort of softer binding, a type unlikely to leave his wrists and ankles bruised. 

Ren had just finished being touched, soft and rough caresses alike, wearing nothing but a blindfold and a pair of underwear, forced on his knees in front of what sounded like a crowd. He had felt humiliated tears roll down his cheeks, but the only gesture he specifically remembered had been one hand with a gentler touch, wiping his tears off of his cheeks.

Ren believes that he’s been sold. 

He had been taken, kidnapped, some time ago. He hadn’t known it, but it had been years. Ren was part of a conglomerate family, and the price over his head was high. It was unsurprising that he’d be sold- and he surely hadn’t been treated very kindly before he was for sell, either. Ren shudders to think about it. 

The van would stop, and the doors would be open. Ren was still undressed, just as he was in the auction, and he hears someone click their tongue. “Unless you’d like pay for damages, I’d suggest he’s carried or brought shoes. I made it very clear he was to have no marks or injuries anywhere- and that means _anywhere_.”

The voice sounds cold. Ren feels himself being slung over someone’s shoulder, knocking the breath out of him. He’d give a soft, whimpering sound. 

“Be careful.” The same cold voice has a very sharp, dangerous edge to it. 

It’s cold outside, but Ren feels the warm air when he’s taken in. He’s set down on the couch, and while it feels like he’s about to be dropped, he guesses a look from the man (who, Ren assumes, bought him) had stopped the mover and forced him to be more gentle. 

There’s some discussion, but Ren just curls in on himself on the couch, biting his lip to keep himself from crying. 

“Hey.” There’s a thumb, pressing on his lip. “I know you heard me when I said no injuries. That’s your responsibility, too.” 

Ren would stop biting his lip, but he’d freeze, swallowing hard. 

He’d feel the touch move from his lip, brushing across his cheek, and it reminds Ren of the only touch that he remembered earlier, wiping his tears. “You’re pretty.” The man would mumble, mostly to himself. “You’ll work perfectly.”

That would terrify Ren. What did _that_ mean?

“You can leave.” The man would tell the people that had brought Ren here. Ren would hear shuffling, and a door close, and then he’d feel a finger underneath his blindfold. When the blindfold is off, Ren would wince, his eyes squinting against the bright lights of the house. Before Ren can even really take in the man, the man has begun to run his hands through Ren’s hair- specifically the part where the blindfold had been. “Your hair is all tangled.” He’d mutter, a bit annoyed. Ren would finally get a look at him. 

He’s an attractive man, with dark hair and eyes, and a fair complexion. He’s dressed nicely, to the nines, at least. 

Ren stays quiet. The man moves, kneeling down to lightly pull on the restraints around Ren’s ankles. “Entirely unnecessary.” The man grumbles, standing to walk somewhere. Ren can still hear him complaining. “Give them a few simple commands and they can hardly do that right.”

The man comes back with a pair of scissors, ducking down to cut the restraints on Ren’s ankles, and, to Ren’s surprise, the ones on his wrists as well. The man’s fingers would brush against Ren’s sides, and there’s a cold look on his face, and he’d click his tongue. Ren’s ribs were easily visible. He had been a barely healthy weight when he had been taken, and he was in a horrible shape now. “We’ll have to work on that.”

Ren would watch him, and then he’d step back. “Follow me.” His voice isn’t quite… commanding, but Ren still wouldn’t argue with him. Ren is led into a room, and into a fairly large, walk-in closet. He’d look through it for a moment, heading to a specific spot, and he’d take down a hung up shirt and pair of pants, reaching into a drawer to grab a pair of socks. 

“I believe I may have gotten a size too large. I didn’t realize just how small you really were, but it should work. There’s a bathroom right outside of the door. Go take a shower.” Ren would hesitantly take the clothes being offered to him, and he’d silently make his way to the bathroom. He hadn’t really looked at the clothes that had been handed to him, but he was almost a little nervous. 

He wondered if he’d be able to tell what he’d be used for by the clothing. For now, he’d enter the bathroom- not bothering to lock it. The last thing he’d want is to punished should the man try to enter it and find it to be locked. He’d lie the clothes on the counter, and it would take him a long moment to figure out the shower, but would finally manage it. He does use the body wash, shampoo and conditioner, but incredibly sparingly. Just enough to cover what he needed to with each- because clearly the point was for him to be clean, but he was still scared, and nervous. 

The man had yet to be cruel to him- because Ren didn’t find orders to be cruel, and especially not the ones he’d received so far. But Ren didn’t want to make the man angry and find out what he was capable of. He still wasn’t even sure what purpose he was supposed to be serving. 

He’d quietly cry in the shower, before getting himself together and then quickly getting out of the shower. He didn’t want to take too long. He’d hesitantly use the towel, but it’d be better to get the towel damp than to come out of the bathroom still wet. So he’d dry himself off and try to get his hair as dry as he could before getting dressed. 

The clothes would genuinely surprise him. They were fairly nice. Not as nice as the man’s, but they were still fairly high end rest clothing- just a shirt and lounge pants. 

They were comfortable. Ren felt comfortable in the clothes, but he felt _confused_. What _was_ the man planning for him?

The man hadn’t tried to enter the bathroom, but he was waiting on the bed. He’d stand when Ren opened the door, standing in the frame, uncertain, but the man would stand, and would lift a strand of Ren’s hair, and he’d sigh. “Go back in.” 

Ren would, almost backing into the room. Tokiya would head to the counter, to grab a brush. “Go sit on the toilet lid.” He’d order. Ren would give something that was a nod, but barely, moving to sit down. The man’s hand would adjust Ren’s head, before beginning to brush through his hair. It’s quiet, as he works through Ren’s tangled, almost dry hair. By the time he’s done, Ren’s hair is soft, smooth and untangled. “That’s better.” The man says, running his hand once through Ren’s hair. 

“What do you want from me?” Ren’s voice is quiet, and a bit hoarse. He doesn’t speak much. 

“I bought you because I need a husband. There are quite a few reasons- but those aren’t important. I’ll tell you exactly what you need to do, but I imagine it will be significantly easier than what you’ve been through so far.”

“Husband?” Ren’s voice is surprised. He doesn’t mean to talk back- but that wasn’t the response he expected. “How much will that entail?” The question is nervous. 

“I need you particularly for the face. I need you to be by my side often in public situations, which is why I’m so concerned with your physical state. Clearly the point isn’t to make it seem like I’m treating you poorly. It won’t be as severe when we’re alone, but I plan to keep up the act somewhat behind closed doors. I can’t risk people finding out that this is fake. I’m not going to make you sleep with me, if that’s what you’re asking. It does come with the promise that I won’t be sending you back.”

Ren would be quiet as he takes everything in. If this man were to be believed- it was a fairly good deal. Protection and care for pretending to be married to this man. This situation is a lot better than Ren had expected. 

“What should I call you?” 

“Tokiya. Or Toki, I guess. They didn’t tell me your name. I simply got a number.”

A number. How… impersonal. “I’m Ren.”

Tokiya, or Toki, would hum. “A fitting name.”

“Can I ask for any other… expectations?”

“I won’t force physical contact behind doors, should we be alone. Should it help you keep the public pretense, to do the same at home, I will. I do plan to make sure that you’re healthy. From here on out, your physical appearance and health is of the utmost importance. Which means making sure you’re up to a healthy weight, and getting rid of those bags from under your eyes.” Toki would tap Ren’s cheek. “We’re going to get you in a good sleep schedule and a meal plan. So long as we can get you looking healthy enough, you won’t need to wear makeup. I can give you a few weeks before we’re seen in public- but unfortunately that’s as long as I can give.”

Ren would nod, quieting down again. Tokiya would set down the brush. “It’s late. We should go lie down.” Ren would stand, following Toki. 

The bed is large. Large enough to fit at least four people- but it’s still in the main bedroom. Ren realizes that he’ll be sharing the bed with Toki, but he doesn’t speak against it. 

At least he’s going to be sleeping in a bed. 

Ren does notice a single padded handcuff, connected to the wire bed frame. 

“I’m hoping that you won’t try to run, or attack me.” Toki would say quietly. “But for the first few nights, I’m going to restrain you. I will warn you, that should you try to escape- I’m sure you don’t know where you are, and I’m a bit out of the way. You’re more likely to get lost than you are to find anything.”

“I’m not even sure where I’d go if I ran.” Ren would say quietly, but he’d still follow Toki to the side of the bed where Ren would sleep. Toki’s look would get Ren to sit up on the bed, and he’d tiredly hold out his wrist. Toki would attach the restraint. 

“If you need anything, like water or to use the bathroom during the night, feel free to wake me.” Toki offers, making his way to his own side. Ren could still easily reach Toki with his free hand- not that he needs to now. When Ren settles down, the restraint doesn’t bother him as much as he’d imagine. The padding keeps the strain off of his wrist, and the bed is extremely comfortable. His position isn’t desirable, but he could handle it. It doesn’t take long at all for him to fall asleep. 

He isn’t woken up, rather left to wake up on his own. He realizes that his wrist isn’t pinned above his head- likely because Toki is already awake. 

Toki isn’t in the room, but Ren doesn’t have the confidence to leave the bed until Toki comes in to check on him. 

“You can get up.” Toki would say. Ren realizes that he’s yet to hear the cold tone return to his voice. He wouldn’t call Toki’s tone _warm_, but it’s not nearly as intimidating. 

Ren would dutifully stand up, and Toki would push open the closet door. “The clothes in the area I was in last night, there, in the back-” Toki would gesture, “Are yours. Feel free to choose whatever you’d like to wear today.”

Ren’s eyes would fill with tears. It was dumb, Ren would decide, but that small act had really gotten him. Toki’s face would soften, but he doesn’t question Ren. If anything, he seems to understand. He’d set his hand on Ren’s back, just for a few seconds in a comforting gesture, before leaving Ren to change, with a parting line. “When you’re done getting dressed, head downstairs and go right. You’ll find your way to the dining room. Breakfast should be ready then.”

Ren would nod. He’d thank Toki, but his throat is closed up, thick with emotion and tears. 

The ability to choose his own clothes wasn’t something he would have thought would be important to him- but it was a small freedom he had nearly forgotten. He would choose clothes similar to his sleep ones, though he’d choose jeans rather than sleep pants. He would follow Toki’s instructions, into a large, lavish dining room. 

“Are you the only one that lives here?” Ren would ask, his voice quiet. His throat is painfully dry. Toki would already be sitting, but there’s another place setting set up right across from him. There’s a glass of water in front of it, and that’s what would get Ren to sit down, reaching for the water. 

Toki would wait for Ren to sit the glass down, having drank at least half of it. “I do.”

“That seems… lonely.” Ren doesn’t mean anything by the comment, but it would get a dry smile of out Toki. 

“You aren’t wrong. I do, however, have some workers. I’ve… not really spoken to them, but they seem nice enough.” 

“In such a large house, I suppose that’s necessary. Should…” Ren’s eyes move to Toki’s, though they don’t quite stick on Toki’s face. “Will that be part of my responsibility? To help with the housework?”

“No.” Toki’s answer is quick and simple. “Your only job is to play the role of my spouse. If you have hobbies I’d be fine getting you things, to keep you entertained- but I’d rather you not work as staff.”

Ren would simply nod. That answer wasn’t quite what he expected. 

Speaking of staff, though, a woman would bring out two plates, setting one in front of Toki and one in front of Ren. 

Toki would nod in thanks, but when he speaks, it’s to Ren. “I’ll check with my own personal trainer, to see exactly what you should be eating and how much. But that’s not for now.”

A look must cross Ren’s face- a nervous one. Toki would notice, and he seems to be trying to reassure him. “It’s just to ensure you’re eating enough, and the right kind of things. You’ll have more freedom once you’re back to a healthy weight. Right now, however, you look unhealthy. Even with your clothes on.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a bit dry. 

Ren would simply nod, and Toki would pick up his own fork as the attendant leaves. Ren would almost hesitantly copy Toki, and when Toki begins to eat, Ren follows suit. Neither of them are particularly fast eaters, but they finish around the same time- though Ren is unable to finish his entire plate. Toki would look over, and Ren would almost wince. “I’m sorry.” He’d say quietly. 

“Don’t be. I’m not going to state that I have any idea how you’ve been treated up until this point. I’m… familiar with some stories, but I do know that it’s seldom well.” There’s an almost soft tone when Toki continues speaking. “I do hope to change that. I’d appreciate compliance, but I feel there’s a large amount of respect that must go with it. I’d like to try to respect you, and I’d like you to be able to respect me at some point, too.”

Ren’s eyes soften, undeniably, but he changes the subject. “What do you do for work?”

“I’m an actor. A fairly well off one, if you couldn’t tell.”

Ren would nod. The attendant would come back to clear their plates, but Ren would shift uncomfortably in his seat- almost wanting to offer to do it himself. 

“I pay them to do this.” Toki would remind Ren, though a bit softly. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

Ren wouldn’t say anything in response. 

Toki continues to be understanding of Ren- and it’s only two more nights of sleeping restrained before Toki actually lets him sleep without it. When Toki wakes up the next morning to Ren, still lying in bed, Ren doesn’t have to sleep with it again. 

It would only be a week in, when Ren would approach Toki. There’s nerves there, but Ren’s hiding them. He isn’t sure if he’s pulling it off, because there’s an almost knowing look on Toki’s face. 

“Could we begin practicing… being married? I’d… like to get used to it. Especially if we’re going to be seen together in a week.”

Toki truly had been treating Ren well. He was bit standoffish, but Ren could tell that his intentions were good. Especially good when Ren considers what his life could be, had someone else bought him. It had only been a week, but Ren wasn’t nearly as pale, and his eyes were just a bit less dull. He was starting to gain some weight, being just a bit less skin and bones. Doing well with what Toki had been telling Ren was his job felt important to Ren. 

A thank you to Toki, for not mistreating him, he supposes. 

“Of course.” Toki had been reading. He’d pat the cushion of the couch, and Ren would sit down. 

Toki would look at Ren closely for a second, squinting a bit. And then, Toki would lean his head against Ren’s shoulder, and he’d continue reading. “Wrap your arm around my shoulder. You can turn on the TV if you’d like.” 

Ren listens, though it almost feels strange. He keeps the volume on the TV low, as to not distract Toki. 

It’s definitely strange, Ren decides, but he doesn’t know that it’s uncomfortable. 

It’s only a day later when Toki would call Ren into the room, and Ren walks in to Toki taking something out of a drawer. It’s only one box, but there are two rings inside of it- 

“Another guess. But if the ring doesn’t quite fit, I have a few days to get it adjusted.”

The ring is silver- as is Toki’s. The one that Toki hands to Ren seems to be just a bit thicker than Toki’s. Ren hesitates for only a second before sliding it onto his left ring finger. 

“It fits.” Ren nods. It wasn’t falling off of his hand, and it wasn’t an issue to get it onto his finger. It could likely be just a bit tighter, but it didn’t look strange. 

“You’ll be wearing it a lot. You’re sure?” Toki would take Ren’s hand, examining it himself. It’s such a simple action, but something, some feeling, would warm Ren’s chest, just a bit. It’s easy to ignore, or brush off as nerves. “It’s a little loose.” Tokiya would take the ring from Ren. “I’d say about a size too big. I’ll get that settled.”

Toki was… efficient, to say the least.

Ren would get the ring back the next day. 

This time, it _is_ a perfect fit. Ren notices that as soon as he has the ring on, Toki puts on his own. It’s a strange feeling. 

Especially because Ren never thought he’d get married. 

Sure, this wasn’t _real_, but even fake, it wasn’t a moment that he thought he’d ever have. He had given up on the idea of _any_ kind of partner after he was taken. 

The next few days are spent with a lot of small actions. Toki seems to have decided that Ren should take the leading position between them, and he’d calmly instruct Ren on what to do. When they’d walk near enough, Toki would tell Ren to take his hand. If they sat together, he’d tell Ren to wrap his arm around his shoulders. To pull out his chair, or hold open a door. 

Toki would also make it clear that if Ren felt that a moment called for something, he should do it. 

Ren’s first time doing that would have actually been when Toki hadn’t been paying attention and would have whacked his head against a door frame, too focused on the book in his hand. 

Ren would have jumped at Toki’s soft cursing, and he would have stood from his seat to go to him. There’s little hesitation when Ren puts his hand on Toki’s cheek to turn Toki’s head towards him, and he’d examine Toki’s forehead, where he had clearly hit himself. 

The first thing that Ren thinks of is a moment of when he was a child, and when he’d fall, hurting his elbow, or his knee, and his mother would kiss it better.

That’s what urges him to press a soft kiss against Toki’s forehead. 

“Be careful.” Ren’s warning is gentle.

Ren thinks he may see a tint of red on Toki’s cheeks, trailing down to his neck and to the tip of his ears, but Toki would mumble, “That was good. You’re getting better with this.”

Ren wouldn’t tell Toki that he wasn’t doing this for the act, and he doesn’t admit it because it surprises Ren as well. 

And then comes the fateful day where Ren is meant to be seen in public with Toki. It was an award ceremony and some type of after party. Today, Ren is in a suit. 

Ren can’t remember the last time he had to wear a suit- but the suit is expensive enough that it looks nice and it isn’t uncomfortable. He had gained enough weight that it didn’t hang off of him- rather, it seemed to fit him well. Toki had looked satisfied, looking at Ren. 

One thing that hadn’t changed was that Toki still brushed Ren’s hair after showers. It wasn’t that Ren _couldn’t_, but Toki seemed to enjoy doing it, and it was a bit easier to have Toki do it for him. 

Ren would have grabbed Toki’s hand before they had even left the house, as they’d get into the limo. Ren may have been in a wealthy family, but he still had never traveled in a limo. Inside of the limo, Ren would wrap his arm around Toki, and Toki would lean into Ren. 

During the actual ceremony, Ren would have held Toki’s hand. He would have lightly squeezed it when Toki would have tensed- which usually would have been when he was a potential candidate. 

Ren was genuinely happy all three times that Toki had won an award. Ren had been focused on Toki- not even really realizing that he was _also_ on screen when it centered on where Toki was seated. 

Toki had thanked Ren in his speech. Even knowing it was fake- Ren couldn’t ignore the beating of his heart when Toki addresses him as his husband. Toki must have spoken about his ‘husband’ before, because no one seemed surprised. There was a lot of interest- and Ren was talking himself up for some attention at the party. 

When the event ended, and Toki and Ren made their way to the party, Ren would find that he was right. But in the car, Toki would have given a smile that Ren can only describe as fond. 

“Thank you, Ren. You did wonderful.”

Ren did like getting compliments from Toki. “Thank _you_ for the compliment, but I have to ask exactly what I did.”

“Your reactions were perfect. I don’t think anyone will suspect anything.”

“I’m glad- but I was genuinely happy for you.” Ren would admit. “I should watch some of your work. Clearly it’s good.”

That would make Toki laugh, and Ren would give a slight smile. 

Quite a few people had come up to Toki and Ren at the party- and Ren was definitely a topic of interest. 

He had gotten a lot of compliments. A lot of them were about his outfit, or his looks, or his ring, which would surprise him. It _was_ a nice ring, he supposed. 

Ren certainly had gotten flirted with. He thinks he had seen Toki tense up the first few times, but he’d good naturedly brush them off. One of the women had been a bit pushier, seemingly a guest of a different celebrity, and Ren would feel Toki tense at his side, so Ren would wrap his arm around Toki’s waist, and he’d have smiled at the woman. 

“A drink? I appreciate the offer, but I’ve promised my lovely husband that tonight was about him, and I’d like to stay sober to properly celebrate him.” And with that- Ren would press a quick kiss to Toki’s cheek. 

Toki’s face is undeniably red, but he can’t help but smile softly, gratefully and adoringly at Ren.

There would have been a time, however, where Ren would have been left alone. It wouldn’t have been long, but Toki would have had to go to the bathroom. Ren is waiting near it, but he wouldn’t follow Toki in. 

He’d have been approached by someone dressed a bit nicer than himself- a woman. Likely a celebrity. Most of the celebrities were a bit better dressed than the guests. 

After the formalities, she would have jumped into questioning him. “When did you and Ichinose meet?”

Ichinose. Ren knew of Toki’s last name, but that certainly wasn’t what he first thought of. If Toki were here, he’d take over, and he’d… act. He’d tell a story. 

Toki was still in the bathroom. 

Ren would smile, if a bit sadly. “We met years back, when I was in a bit of a… dark place.” Ren doesn’t realize that Toki’s come back out. “And he helped me through it. We got along very quickly. Not quite love at first sight, but it was close.” He’d give a light laugh. “I think I fell for him before I even realized I had. He _is_ awfully charming, on set and off.”

“I take it your relationship is going well?”

“Absolutely.” Ren answers, nearly immediately. “I love him.” It surprises even Ren, the certainty that his voice holds. Ironic, that the statement brings uncertainty to Ren. It’s only been two weeks. Ren couldn’t love Toki- but was he sure that there wasn’t anything there? He wasn’t. “And I’m certain that he loves me as well. We’re very happy, and we have been for a long time.” Ren would smile. 

“I couldn’t agree more.” Toki would muse, his hand moving to rest on Ren’s back. Ren’s smile doesn’t fade- if anything, it grows as he turns it towards Toki, his arm moving to rest on Toki’s waist. 

The woman would ask a few more questions, but Toki takes over from here. When she leaves, Toki would lean closer to Ren, his hand sliding to squeeze the top of Ren’s arm, his mouth close to Ren’s ear. “Your answers were perfect. You’re doing great, Ren.”

Ren’s smile is almost… proud. Toki’s encouragement was nice. 

And then it would fall, his eyes growing wide. Toki would pick up on the expression, but Ren misses the concerned frown. Ren’s eyes are stuck on a man, and he’d pale, like he’s seen a ghost. 

The man had pale greyish white hair, and even from a distance Ren would notice the pink contact. He was dressed fairly nicely- though there was an edge to his outfit. Even Ren remembers how ‘Rock’ Ranmaru was. 

“Can I-” Ren’s voice is almost childlike, and it’s so quiet. “Can I go talk to him? I- I know him.”

Toki’s face is surprised, and then it’s careful. “Of course.” He’d say quietly. Ren would immediately set off, though his hand is in Toki’s. Toki can feel it shaking. 

“Ran?” Ren’s voice is almost inaudible, especially in the noisy room, but Ran’s head turns. At first, hearing the nickname, he’s nearly distrustful, and then his entire face changes, and turns shocked. 

_”Ren?”_ Ranmaru’s voice is disbelieving, and he’d look over at Toki, and his face would fall. It would darken. And then Ranmaru would step forward and wrap Ren in a hug. “Jesus Christ-” He’d mutter, but Ren would hug back tightly with one arm, the other still holding tightly onto Toki’s hand.

“I’m so glad to see you.” Ren’s voice would almost break. 

Ren and Ranmaru had been childhood friends. He had been very close with Masato, too, though he hadn’t expected to see Ranmaru _or_ Masato again. Ren was admittedly close to crying. 

“‘M really glad to see you, too. We’ve got things to talk about, but here’s not the place.” The way Ranmaru is speaking makes Ren wonder how much he knows. And the look he had given Toki… Ren can’t focus on that now. Ren would nod. 

“I’ll reach out to you, Ranmaru.” Toki would say quietly. “We can arrange a time.”

“Good.” Ranmaru would nod. 

Toki would frown a bit, squeezing Ren’s hand. “I’m sorry, Ren, but I think we should leave for now.”

“That’s alright.” Ren would say quietly. “As long as we can talk later.” Ren looks at Toki, and at Ran, but settles back on Toki.

“Of course.” Toki would reassure, and when he pulls Ren away, Ren follows. 

Ren had done better than he expected during the rest of the party, still managing to keep himself together well enough to not disappoint Toki- but he knew that Toki could tell he was a bit out of it. 

Ren was grateful, but a bit scared, when Toki had excused them early. Ren would have been entirely silent until they had gotten in the car, and he would have looked away from Toki, the feeling of fear outweighing the feeling of relief. “I’m sorry, Tokiya.”

“What are you apologizing for?”

“I know I wasn’t doing very well towards the end. That’s why we left, right?”

Toki would frown. “Yes, but you’re wrong if you think it’s because you weren’t doing well enough. You were still doing just fine, Ren. But I could tell your head wasn’t in… a good place. And this was your first big event- I didn’t want to force you to keep up an act when you clearly weren’t feeling well. I was trying to help you, not punish you.”

Ren would put his head on Toki’s shoulder, closing his eyes. Toki’s hand would find Ren’s knee, squeezing it lightly. 

“I suppose I should tell you how I know Ranmaru.” Toki would say quietly. “I’d like to say that the ending is happy, but the beginning certainly isn’t.”

“I would like to hear it.” Ren says quietly. 

“It was… almost the same as you, Ren. Ranmaru was taken and sold. A bit… differently. You were offered under more of a… personal slave service. He was offered more as a labor type. I bought him, too. I told him that I bought him for house reparations, but he saw through it. Probably because there really wasn’t much to fix in my house, and he wasn’t necessarily offered for repairs.”

“If you didn’t have a reason in mind to buy him- why buy him?” Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. 

“I’ve done it with a few others. I’ll run into someone that I feel some type of pull to. Ranmaru was one of them. So I bought him, I kept him long enough to try to get him used to… the real world, I guess. And then I set him up with a real job and let him leave. I find that it’s my own way to give back, I suppose. But even I don’t have enough money to do it often. You’re… a bit more unfortunate and I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean?”

“I was easily able to release everyone else. Because once they’re mine, I choose what I do with them. I’ve discussed with each one of them exactly what would happen, should they choose to go to the police or go to the public- and they’ve all been kind enough to me not to tell-”

“Kind to you?” Ren doesn’t mean to interrupt, but there’s an almost wide eyed expression on his face. “What would happen to you if they told?”

“I’d get in quite a lot of trouble. If I’m not imprisoned by the police, I’d be hunted by the slave ring. And it isn’t as simple as telling on them, or the ring would be closed by now. The police would likely save one or two people at most, and the rest of the leaders would go into hiding, or send fake leads to discourage police. And I’ve been a part of this, as a buyer, for some time. Saving people or not- knowing about this and buying people is still very much illegal.” Toki would frown, “But I’ve gotten on the good side of everyone I’ve bought, luckily.”

“But Ran gave you… quite the look.”

“That wasn’t aimed towards me. That was Ranmaru, realizing what you’d been through.” Ren would get quiet for a moment, and Toki would continue. “But what I was saying before- I can’t release you. Your purpose wasn’t an excuse, or a fake. If I hadn’t had a real reason, I would have still bought. But… I did. I’m _not_ just trying to get you used to the real world. I would love to get to the point where I can let you out to interact on your own, but at the end of the day, I’d need you to return.”

“Will you tell me why you needed me as your spouse?”

“Would you like to hear the personal reasons, or the public reasons?” Toki’s smile is dry. 

“Both.”

Toki would sigh. “As for the public- I had stated that I was married before on tape. It was a lie, of course, but I was desperate to become less of a… sex appeal symbol. I felt that fans were concerned a lot with my looks and a bit less with my talent, and I knew that being married wouldn’t weed out all of those types of fans- but that it would lower them. After all, many fans _do_ respect the fact that I’m… married. They’ve become a lot less… obvious, about how they view me. And my family. My mother always seems upset when she hears that I’m not with someone, and not planning to be.”

“That was my next question-” Toki had paused long enough that even though Ren had technically interrupted, he hadn’t cut Toki off. “Because I was going to ask about how that must limit your options. What if you find someone you do love?”

“I don’t think that will be a problem.” Toki’s voice is very dry. “Besides. It’s not as if I can’t find attraction to someone, but my job has always been my priority, before anything else.” Ren stays silent, so Toki continues his reasonings. “My mother doesn’t quite understand, or like, that. I do think she’ll like you, when she gets around to meeting you. That’s much less of a rush than the public was. And… I suppose my personal reason-” Toki would sigh. He’s looking out of the window. His voice drops. “Is because I wasn’t quite honest, just a few seconds before, when I told you that I virtually only care about my job. I’m… I am lonely. It’s hard to live in that large house, surrounded only by people who are there because I _pay_ them to be. It’s difficult, to get used to living with someone, to be _friends_ with someone, like Ranmaru, who I eventually have to push out of the nest. To form a connection and then to lose it. It’s just very… hard. And that is the least fair reason to you, and I am sorry about that.”

Ren stays silent. Toki glances down at his face, but he’s not angry. He’s just… sad. His head shifts, and his forehead rests against Toki’s neck. 

The limo would stop in front of the house, and Toki is the first out, Ren right behind him. They’d go inside, and then Toki would curse. 

Ren would blink, his hand on Toki’s arm. “What’s wrong?”

“I called everyone off tonight- but we didn’t stay long enough for them to serve real food. I’m going to have to cook.” Toki would sigh, frowning. 

“I can cook, Toki.” Ren would offer. 

“I won’t make you.” Toki would squeeze Ren’s arm, “I can handle it.” He gives a slightly dry smile. 

Ren would be convinced to sit in the dining room, but it’s not easy. Toki doesn’t seem to have an easy go at it, from what Ren can hear. And then Toki leaves the kitchen, heading to the bathroom, cradling his hand, and Ren would follow. 

“Don’t worry about me.” Toki would mumble, putting his hand under the stream. “It’s just a bit of a burn.” 

Ren’s face is incredibly worried. “Are you sure-” 

“I can handle it Ren.” Toki reassures. 

“Can I at least stand in the kitchen?” Ren would frown. 

Toki would sigh, but relent. “Alright.”

So Ren would stand in the kitchen, watching Toki make food. It wasn’t necessarily that he _couldn’t_, but it was obvious that he didn’t cook often. When Toki would move to chop vegetables, he’d turn so that his back was covering his hands and the cutting board from Ren. Ren doesn’t quite trust it, and he realizes that he’s right not to, because after a moment, Toki tenses, a quiet hiss escaping, and he turns his head into his arm. It hides most of his expression, but his eyes are closed tightly, likely in pain. Ren would step forward, his hand moving to Toki’s shoulder. 

“I’m fine.” Toki’s voice is too strained, and Ren glances down at the cutting board, and he sees Toki’s hand, moved away from the food but clearly bleeding. 

“You’re not.” There’s clear worry in Ren’s voice, but he’d staying calm. He’d take the knife from Toki’s uninjured hand, setting it aside, before grabbing the wrist of Toki’s injured hand and leading him back to the bathroom. “This is going to hurt some.” Ren would turn the faucet on low, but there’s quite a lot of blood and he needs to get it off to assess the damage. He digs through the cabinets until he finds a first aid kit, which is luckily a large one. Toki would have hissed through his teeth when the water hit his finger, but he’d leave his hand.

Ren would pull his hand back, and he’d have taken out antiseptic. Toki looks less than thrilled, but he lets Ren care for his hand. It’s not a shallow cut, but luckily his finger is still in one piece. Unfortunately, it’s on the same hand as the burn. Ren would bandage the finger, and then he’d place a careful kiss on Toki’s knuckles, avoiding both injuries. 

“Please allow me to finish dinner.” Ren doesn’t often push things- he often isn’t sure that he feels right doing it, but he wants to set his foot down now.

“I was really trying.” Toki would say quietly. 

“I know you were, Toki.” Ren’s arms would wrap around him, hugging him tightly. 

“I’m not useless. I promise.” Toki’s voice is tight, and Ren’s grip only tightens, one of his hands raising to Toki’s hair. 

“Of course you aren’t.” Ren’s answer is quick. “I know you aren’t. Whether this be an off night, or you’re tired, or cooking just isn’t your best skill- you’ve certainly proven you’re far from useless.”

Toki’s arms wrap back around Ren. “We could just order something.” Toki’s voice sounds tired now. 

“That sounds good.” Ren’s hand would rub over Toki’s back. 

They’d stay there, embracing in the bathroom for some time, Toki’s head resting on Ren’s shoulder. When they eventually would let each other go, Ren would grab Toki’s hand to move to the living room, and Toki would sit on the couch to order food. 

They’d settle on Chinese, getting the meals delivered and then going up to change out of their suits and into lounge clothes. It wouldn’t be much longer after that the door would ring, and Ren would go to pick it up, thanking the man as he’d grab the bag. They’d just eat on the couch, turning something on the TV. 

It was nice. Toki would end up falling asleep, having already set down his food onto the coffee table next to Ren’s- and Ren would notice how little Toki had actually eaten. He wouldn’t worry too much about it now, but it hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

Ren would actually pick Toki up, though he notices that Toki was much… lighter than he had expected. 

Ren would have to keep an eye out. 

But for now, he’d just bring Toki upstairs, to the bedroom. His gaze would soften when Toki shifts, pressing himself against Ren’s chest. Ren carefully balances Toki enough that he can pull back the covers, and then he sets Toki down. He releases Toki, who curls in on himself, and Ren pulls up the covers, carefully tucking Toki in. He’d lean down, pressing a soft kiss to the top of Toki’s head, a very soft expression on his face. He’d then go back downstairs, putting away leftovers and cleaning up the kitchen. By the time he had finished, it was nearing almost two in the morning. He’d glance at the kitchen door, his hand flying to his chest in surprise when he noticed Toki, standing in the doorway, frowning. 

“Was I being too noisy?” Ren would say, apologetically, walking closer to Toki. 

“I thought I told you not to worry about these kind of things.”

“There was no one here. I figured I’d make myself useful.”

Toki still looks mostly asleep. 

“Why did you get up? Did you need something?” Ren’s voice is gentle. 

“I wanted you to come to bed.” Toki would rub his eyes, “I would have stopped you when you brought me up, but I wasn’t awake long enough to realize you went downstairs.”

“I’m done now, anyways. We can go upstairs.” Toki would grab onto Ren’s wrist. It isn’t necessarily tight, but Ren’s hand definitely wasn’t going to slip from his grip. Ren would let himself be led back to the bedroom, and he’d lie in the bed. Toki would get in, but tonight is the first night where he’d get closer to Ren. 

“Can I?” Toki would ask, his voice soft. 

Ren would move his arm so that Toki could get closer, holding himself to Ren’s side. As Ren’s arm wraps around him, Toki is already falling asleep again. 

It doesn’t take Ren very long to fall asleep himself. 

The next day Toki would reach out to Ranmaru, and Ranmaru would come visit the day after that. 

Ren would have greeted Ranmaru with another tight hug, which Ranmaru would return. 

They’d sit on the couch to talk. 

“Toki told me a bit about what happened.” Ren would say quietly. “It sounds like our experiences were… similar.” 

“Yeah.” Ranmaru would grunt. “I was afraid of that. How’re you holdin’ up?”

“I’m… better. Significantly. It’s been a long time since I’ve been treated like a person.”

“Tokiya’s a good guy.” Ranmaru would agree. “So what exactly has he got you on?”

“A fake marriage situation.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would raise when Ren speaks. “He’s… apologized. He told me that my situation’s more permanent than yours, or the others’.”

“What d’you feel about it?” Ranmaru would ask seriously, his voice dropping. Toki was at work, not even in the house. But Ren can’t imagine that it’s easy for even Ranmaru to really question Toki. After all- Ranmaru got out of a terrible situation because of him. And Ren did, too.

“Honestly?” Ren muses. “When he first told me what he wanted me to do, I was just grateful that I wouldn’t be something worse. I had convinced myself that I was going to live the rest of my life miserable, and likely afraid and in pain, and Toki was offering me something much better. And now… it’s been such a short time, but I think I really like him, Ran.” Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. “I… don’t think I mind it. There are some bittersweet moments- but I like helping him. And maybe it’s wrong, but I think I might even like pretending. For him, I can’t go into the personal reason he gave me for wanting this- but I can’t be mad at him for it. And it isn’t as if I was even really… needed. I’m positive that my family is doing fine without me. They _didn’t_ need me as a face piece, they were just trying to give me something to do. My brother will be fine, taking over. And no matter how Toki feels about me- he’s been treating me right.” 

Ranmaru would take everything in, and he’d nod. “‘S long as you don’t mind it. I’d hate if you were unhappy. ‘Specially after everythin’ I’m sure you’ve been through.”

“I’m not unhappy.” Ren would say, his voice certain. 

“You’re not… doin’ this because you feel like you owe him it, are you?”

“I’m not. I do want him to feel like I’m doing a good job- but we’ve been… putting the idea to practice when it’s just him and I, and fake or not… it feels genuine. There’s certainly a part of myself doing this for me.”

Neither of the men had heard the door open. 

Ren would glance over, expecting to find a maid, but he’d freeze when he’d see Toki. He isn’t sure just how much Toki had heard. Ranmaru’s surprise is hidden better. Toki must have heard something, because there’s a conflicted look on his face, but the overwhelming sensation is soft. 

That’s not what would have gotten Ren. 

Toki looked so _tired_. Ren would stand, and his expression turns a mix of worry and stern. “Toki-” 

“I’ll talk about this-” Toki would glance at Ranmaru, and his face is almost pleading. “But later.”

Ranmaru would sigh, but he’d click his tongue and stand. “I’ll come over again soon, Ren. ‘Specially now that I know you’re here.” Ranmaru would clap Ren’s shoulder, and he’d look at Toki with a gruff, “Take it easy, kid.” And Ranmaru would leave the house. 

“Let’s go upstairs.” Ren would say gently, but there isn’t much room for argument. If Toki wouldn’t talk in front of Ranmaru, he likely wouldn’t talk in front of the staff, either. Toki would nod, and Ren would help him upstairs. “You’re home too early.” Ren would say, once they were in the room. He’d move Toki, encouraging him to sit on the bed. Toki would kick off his shoes, and Ren would take them, moving them to the side. 

Toki would lean against the bed frame, and he’d sigh. “I’m going to sound like a hypocrite if I tell you what’s wrong.”

“I don’t care about that.” Ren would move onto the bed. “I’m concerned about you. You don’t look well, and I just want to know what’s wrong. I’m… sure you heard some of what I was saying, so I’m sure you know that I do care for you.”

That _would_ get Toki to talk, and he’d sigh. “I didn’t sleep well yesterday. Not… very much at all, really.” Ren _didn’t_ remember Toki sleeping last night. He had gotten into bed, but hadn’t actually seen Toki sleep. “And I haven’t eaten since we ate together yesterday morning.” Ren doesn’t remember him eating much at yesterday’s breakfast, either. “And I tend to work quite hard when I’m working. But I have a track record of not caring for myself quite right- so I was sent home early. They were concerned I was falling back into my previous patterns.”

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow. He does know why Toki would consider himself a hypocrite- because Toki was very serious about Ren being healthy. It did hurt, that Toki was better at watching over Ren than he was at watching over himself.

“Will you let me help?” Ren would ask quietly. 

Toki’s eyebrows would furrow. “What do mean?”

“I’d like to help. To sit with you during meals when I can- to remind you to eat, or rest. To help you make a schedule and to help you stick with it. At least until it becomes habit. Until you can do it yourself.”

“It’s not easy work. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

“I’d like to.” Ren’s voice is genuine. “I’d like for you to be healthy.” 

Toki’s expression would soften. “Alright.”

Ren would smile. “Thank you, Toki.”

“I don’t know that this is something to thank me for.”

“You helped me. I’m glad for a chance to help you. Even if I do wish that I didn’t need to, for your own sake.”

“If I’m honest-” Toki would take Ren’s hand, his thumb trailing over the back of it. “I wish you hadn’t needed my help, either, when I helped you. If that’s what you’d call it.” A dark look would flash across Toki’s face. 

“What do you mean?” Ren’s eyebrows would furrow.

“...I don’t feel like I really… helped you out of that situation. After all- when I bought you, I think I really did buy you. I’m still sorry about that.”

Ren would squeeze Toki’s hand. “Don’t.” His voice is soft. “You don’t need to be. And I mean that. I expected the worst, from the moment I was taken until the moment I met you. I’m not unhappy. I told that to Ran, and I’ll tell it to you, and I’d tell it to anyone who would ask me. I like being with you, Toki.”

“I keep you in the house, and I only bring you out for public events. And I’m sure you can’t be… unaffected.” Toki’s eyebrows lower. “I’m not even unaffected by our fake relationship.”

“What do you mean, unaffected?” Ren’s voice is soft. He thinks he knows the answer. 

Toki would cover his face with his hands for a second- and he’d let them drop to look at Ren. “The line is blurred. It feels… real. I think, on my side at least, that some of it _is_ real.”

“Toki.” Ren gives a sad smile. “I was being sold as a sex slave. There were people there who would have bought me as that. I don’t think this is the situation to feel bad about. There are much worse things than pretending to care for me, and starting to actually care. If I’m honest- the line has been blurred for me for some time. It certainly feels real on my side, as well. Whether that’s right or wrong.”

Toki would sit up, though Ren would move to set him back down and Toki would brush off his hand. He’d lean forward, into Ren, holding onto him. 

“I don’t know that now is the time to bring this up-” Toki admits. “But I feel like I have to. Ren.” Ren had let go of Toki’s hand to wrap his arms around Toki. He’d be quiet, especially because Toki does sound upset. Toki is clearly trying _not_ to sound upset, but he does. “I can’t… I can’t do it. If… you’d like to leave, you can. If you want to go back to your family, and your life. I can call a car and send you there, wherever that is. And you don’t need to worry about the marriage. I’ll handle it. I just can’t tell you that I care for you and also keep you here. Those… don’t go together.”

“Toki.” Ren’s voice is soft. He’s torn between trying to get Toki to look at him, and just holding Toki tighter. In the end, his grip tightens around Toki, pressing him against his chest as tightly as he dared in Toki’s current state. “I don’t want to leave. I _want_ to stay with you. Besides. How am I supposed to watch over you if I’m not here?”

Toki gives a weak laugh, and he lets himself lean against Ren. “You’re sure? This is your answer?”

“Yes. I want to stay, honey.”

Toki would pause at the nickname, but he’s smiling. “Good. I didn’t really want to let you go.” His voice _does_ sound much less upset, but then it turns serious. “But I do want to tell you that I’m not going to take the offer of the table. I think… anytime that you choose it will be painful, especially the further into this that we get- but I want to let you know that you have the option.”

“I can’t see me changing my mind. I _am_ happy, Toki. The absolute happiest I’ve been in years. But I do want to tell you that I’m thankful for the offer, and it isn’t going unappreciated. But I’d also like to express that, because you’ve given me the offer, I’m no longer your property, in that sense. You may have bought me, but because you’ve given me the choice, and you _are_, I’m here willingly now. Which would technically mean that I’m only yours in the appropriate sense of the word.”

Toki slumps against Ren, one of his hands holding onto Ren’s shirt. His smile has turned soft, if a bit sleepy. “Will you lie down with me?” 

“Of course.”

Ren would reluctantly let Toki go, but would move up the bed, Toki following, a bit awkwardly. He was exhausted. But they’d get under the covers, despite them both still being fully clothed- Ren holding Toki closely. 

Toki would rest his head against Ren’s chest, and then his voice would get quiet, and serious. “Are you really taking any of this as well as you act like you are? You went through years of what I imagine was hell- you seem… awfully alright.”

“I’m not.” Ren would admit. “Tonight’s not the night for my breakdown, but I’m not alright in the slightest. You do make things easier on me. It’s how I’m acting… normal. But it’s extremely difficult. It’s hard to sleep.” 

Toki swallows hard, pressing himself more into Ren’s chest. “You’re right. I’d like to be in a better state to really be able to listen to you. But we should talk about this, later.” 

“We will.” Ren promises quietly. “Later.”

Toki falls asleep not long after their promise. 

The next few days are focused on Toki. Toki still goes to work, but Ren takes care of everything he can while Toki is home- Toki eats breakfast and lunch, and Ren ensures his self-care is upkept, and keeping Toki’s homework to a minimum. Ren doesn’t sleep until he’s sure that Toki is, and he wakes up with Toki. 

When Toki has his schedule set out and had been following it well enough that he’s starting to feel better, he’d call Ren onto the couch. He’d turn to Ren, and his eyebrows would furrow, his expression serious. 

“I think we should talk about what you told me a few nights ago. Tell me how you’re actually feeling, after all of this.” Toki takes Ren’s hand. 

Ren appreciates it, because it immediately feels overwhelming, when he lets the wall he’s built fall. He’d swallow hard, and he can’t quite find it in himself to detach, as much as he’d like to. His voice is strained. “It doesn’t feel real. Those years didn’t feel real. This didn’t feel real. I was seventeen, Toki. I was still a kid.” He’d have to bite back a sob. “The only reason I’m so calm now is because they broke me then. I was a real pain in the ass.” He’d give a weak laugh. “I wasn’t… at all prepared for what they put me through. I can’t get into it. All I can tell you is that it was painful, and humiliating, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Not even the people that put me through it. I gave up hope, less than a month in. And it still took years. I wished every day that it would be my last.” Ren’s head would hang, and his eyes would close as the tears would finally start streaming down his face, though it’s hidden by the curtain of his hair. “It was miserable, and traumatizing, and the day that I was sold I had to convince myself that I was going to live the rest of my life in hell. The only reason I adapted so fast was because I wanted what you were offering me _that_ badly. To have someone that didn’t want to hurt me, or make me suffer. I… don’t know if it really was you- but I remember when I was in front of all of those people, and I remember crying. And someone had wiped away my tears.” Another sad laugh. “It was soft. And then I got here and you had brushed your hand across my cheek and it felt the same.”

Ren would glance at Toki’s face, and Toki would look surprised. “That… was me.” He’d say quietly. “I have no idea how you managed to remember that.”

“It was a small touch of kindness.” Ren would say softly. “It would be hard to forget.” Ren would take the hand that Toki was holding to move it up, moving his hand to set Toki’s palm against his cheek. “Your touch is familiar. It was back then, too. Or maybe it luck, or hope. I’m not sure how it worked. But I’m glad it did.”

Toki’s thumb would run across Ren’s cheek. He’d move, pressing his forehead against Ren’s. 

And then, slowly and softly, Toki would lean forward. He’s moving slowly, and Ren realizes that Toki is giving Ren time to make up his mind. Ren stays still- he lets Toki press his lips to Ren’s. Ren’s hand moves, holding onto Toki’s elbow, keeping him close. 

The kiss is sweet, and gentle and slow, Toki’s hand never moving from Ren’s cheek. Toki would eventually hold back, looking into Ren’s eyes. 

“Even now-” Toki would say, his voice so quiet. “Your eyes _are_ brighter. The fear in them is… different. You’ve been hurt, but I don’t think you’re entirely faking that you are getting better, whether it feels like it or not.”

“That’s something I’m glad to hear.” Ren would give a weak smile, but his tears have stopped. Toki pulls Ren into a hug, and Ren buries his head in the crook of Toki’s neck, as Toki’s hands run through Ren’s hair. 

Things would go well. Ren had begun to show a bit more often when he’d get upset, and Toki would be more honest when he felt that he was slipping in his self care. 

The longer they spent with each other, the longer they both realized that they really _were_ good for each other. 

Ren had also started to go to more events with Toki, and for the most part, everyone that Ren _met_ seemed to like him. He and Toki had gotten a lot of compliments on how cute of a couple they seemed to be, or how in love they looked like they were in. It started to get even easier to pretend like they were married. The ring felt natural on Ren’s hand, and all of the small motions were automatic. 

What Ren hadn’t expected was the fans’ reaction. 

Toki had insisted that Ren didn’t need to get any type of social media, but Ren had been curious, and made an account anyways. He wasn’t searching for any type of fame, but naturally, people had looked up his name and had found his account. 

But some of the messages Ren had gotten-

He had been missing for a lot of the time that social media was large. He wasn’t used to celebrities getting hate. 

He wasn’t used to getting _death threats_. 

He didn’t know that people would enjoy picking out his flaws, or criticizing his part in his relationship - (fake or not. Even Ren wasn’t sure anymore.) he wasn’t used to being _despised_. Especially not as openly as he was, apparently. 

There were nice comments, and he appreciated them- but it was hard to ignore the terrible ones. 

“where did tokiya find _this_ cheap whore?”

That was the comment that had really gotten, Ren. Especially after all of the comments on anything and everything he was insecure about, and the terrible comments wishing terrible things on him. 

He would have been sobbing on the bed, full on ugly crying. Toki would have come home in the middle of Ren’s upset, though until Toki was outside of the door he wouldn’t have realized that anything was wrong. When he _did_ however, he was inside right away. Ren would feel arms wrapping around himself, and Toki’s voice is soft, almost like Toki was cooing at him. “Oh, darling, what’s wrong?”

“W-was it the comments? Were they why you didn’t want me to get a social media account…?”

Toki’s expression would change, but overall, it’s still sad. He would pet through Ren’s hair, “Don’t listen to them.” Toki’s forehead is resting against the side of his head. “They can be cruel, but they’re only aiming to hurt. They aren’t true, Ren. It’s… unfortunately a part of being in a public relationship with me, and I’m sorry about that. Some fans are interested in me because they’re… in love with me. Or, at least, they think that they are. They want to make you upset, so that you’ll leave me. God forbid thinking in what way.” The last sentence was dangerous. Ren isn’t sure he’s ever heard Toki truly angry, but he certainly sounded it now. “Please don’t listen to them. I don’t like seeing you this way. I don’t like seeing you hurt.” Toki’s voice gets quiet, but it’s almost pleading. 

“I don’t… I think I have to delete the account.” Ren admits. “I don’t know that I’d be able to stop looking at them. I should have listened.”

“I should have been better at warning you.” Toki’s voice is grim. “It’s natural that you’d be curious. And hopefully, after some time passes, you’ll be able to properly try it. Now just… isn’t the right time.”

Ren nods, just slightly. 

“Would it help if I deleted it?” Toki would offer. “Or would you rather?” Ren is still quiet, but he’d take his phone, and he’d hand it to Toki.

The phone was relatively new, and Ren _had_ set a password, but he had told it to Toki. It wasn’t as if he had anything to hide.

Toki unlocks his phone to find that it’s already on social media. Easy enough. But Toki _would_ read the message Ren had stopped on, and Toki’s voice is cold. It reminds Ren of the way he sounded with the people that had brought Ren here. “I _really_ hope you know that this one is wrong.”

“I know.” Ren says dryly. He’d give a humorless smile. “I’m sure I wasn’t cheap.”

That sentence would strike Toki, and there’s a fire in his eyes. His voice is stern, and serious, and sharp. “You’re not a whore, Ren. If anything, you’re a victim.” Toki’s hand moves to Ren’s cheek. “Whether you believe it or not, you’re a wonderful person that was forced into a horrific situation. You’ve mentioned before that you were a brat when you were younger- and I hope you know that just because you were a kid that acted like a _kid_, you still didn’t deserve anything that happened to you.”

Ren would look away from Toki, his bottom lip trembling. He’d bite down on it. 

Toki would turn his head, running his thumb across Ren’s lip, forcing him to release it. Toki’s voice is softer, adoring, but no less serious. “I love you.”

Ren’s face shifts. It’s surprised, it’s cautious, and then it’s soft. The tears in his eyes aren’t upset anymore. He leans forward, pressing his lips to Toki’s. The kiss is a bit desperate, but the desperation comes from Ren’s wish to express his own thoughts. His own feelings. When he pulls away, he can manage a weak, but genuine, smile. “I love you, too.” His voice is hardly a whisper.

Toki would lean forward again, but this kiss is much softer. Ren’s hand lifts to Toki’s cheek, ghosting his fingers across Toki’s cheekbone. 

That night, they had slept together. It had been Ren’s idea, and Ren’s request- and Ren had insisted that it would be special. It would be different, and Toki couldn’t make Ren feel used, because it was Toki. 

It was incredibly gentle, and careful and sweet. They had taken their time, and though it was neither man’s first, Ren knew that it was the only positive experience with this that he had had, and he was sure to let Toki know.

Toki would have laid against Ren, sleepy but content, and Ren would have held him close with a fond smile. 

"Not to ruin anything-" Ren would say, his voice genuine, "but how real would you say this all is to you?" 

Toki would get quiet, for just a second, finding words. "It hasn't felt fake in quite some time. And sleeping with you? That was incredibly real."

"I'm glad." Ren's soft smile is back. He'd move, to kiss the top of Toki's head. "It all feels incredibly real to me, too."


	26. Chapter Twenty-Six

Tokiya had been taken. 

As an Agent, this was something that he knew he had to be prepared for- but it was worse than he would have ever imagined. 

He _was_ physically hurt- cut, burned and beaten. But he would have taken that ten times over as opposed to the drugs. 

They’d use hallucinatory drugs on him, which made the pain worse and made him question everything, never knowing exactly what was real. 

This had gone on for longer than Tokiya can remember. He was gone an entire six months, kept on the edge of death, constantly suffering. And then, blissfully, they had left him. They had ditched him like a dog, and he had happened upon the right person who brought him back to his _own_ Agency. 

When Tokiya had seen Ren, who had come to the infirmary to see him, he really didn’t believe it at first.

And then Ren would step forward, his hand ghosting over Tokiya’s cheek, his eyes wide, filled with pain, and horror and anger- and some relief. 

Tokiya was there. 

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.” Ren’s voice is broken. “I’m sorry.” He repeats, his voice lost. 

Tokiya would cry. It hurts to cry, but there isn’t anything else he can do.

Ren would stay close to him, because when he had convinced Tokiya that he was real, Tokiya would get inconsolable when he was gone.

Tokiya would get out of the infirmary, far before he’s ready- which would leave Ren to care for him, while Tokiya is unable to properly move, or to properly care for himself. 

Tokiya had broken bones, and an inability to move well, thanks to months of muscular inactivity. Ren would have to help feed him, and bathe him- but Tokiya was too far gone to even feel embarrassed, and Ren was too grateful to have Tokiya back to feel it as a burden. 

It wasn’t only negative things that Ren would help him with- Tokiya would do much better with his required physical therapy when he had Ren next to him, helping him. Encouraging him. 

Tokiya eventually would get better. He would be bound to a wheelchair for a long time, even after he was able to move more freely, but Ren seemed to have no problems with pushing Tokiya around. 

Tokiya hasn’t gotten any better. Ren can hardly leave to go to the bathroom or to take a shower without Tokiya beginning to panic. 

They had left the Agency. Tokiya had begged- though it wasn’t necessary. Ren had no problems leaving. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. There’s an edge of fear to it. There usually was. 

“Hmm?” Ren would turn to face Tokiya, taking Tokiya’s hand, trying to comfort him. Trying to soothe the nervous expression on his face. 

“I want to leave.” Tokiya’s voice sounds childlike. “I don’t want to be in the Agency anymore.” His voice is thick, and it’s shaking. There are tears in his eyes. 

He had cried a lot. When he wasn’t disassociating. That happened quite often, too, and Ren was the only one that could calm him down when he was in either state. 

There was one time where Ren had to go on a mission- and he had not told Tokiya the truth as to where he was going, because he knew how terribly Tokiya would take it. Tokiya had reluctantly let him leave, and it was largely in part to Ranmaru coming over to watch over Tokiya. 

It had been only a half an hour in when Tokiya had begun to have a panic attack, and he had spent nearly two hours crying, the last of which had turned hysterical, until he had fallen asleep. Ranmaru had really tried to calm him down, but Tokiya hadn’t even really seen him. Tokiya would have woken up, already panicked, but he would have been in the bed, Ren’s arms wrapped around him- and even then, Ren still would have had to calm him down. 

All of this factored in had probably affected Ren’s answer, too. “We can leave, baby.” His voice is soft. “I won’t make you stay. I promise.”

“Y-you will come with me, right?” Ren may have said ‘we’, but the phrasing of his last sentence had managed to scare Tokiya. 

“Of course, my love. I’m never going to leave you.” Ren would press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. 

That is a promise that Tokiya would take seriously. 

They would be relocated to a condo type of situation. Big enough for them, but still fairly small. Tokiya was alright with that. It was easier for Ren to move around the house without freaking Tokiya out. 

It was months after he had returned, but his panic still hadn’t disappeared. 

Tokiya’s nightmares were horrible, and even falling asleep, held by Ren every night hadn’t made them any less terrifying, or any less present. Ren had gotten good at pinning Tokiya down, because Tokiya would try to struggle away. The first time it had happened, he had lashed out so severely he had fallen off the bed, and Ren was afraid he would hurt himself. It had certainly made him a lighter sleeper, to try to keep Tokiya safe from himself. 

It would take up to an hour to calm Tokiya down every night, which would result in both of them sleeping in late every morning. Luckily, it wasn’t much of a problem. They could choose to get jobs, but Ren can’t leave Tokiya for long, and Tokiya isn’t well enough to get a job. 

At one point, Tokiya had decided to stop sleeping, hoping to stop the nightmares. 

He had gone nearly four nights, but he had gotten on edge because of the visions he had begun to see, staying awake too long. At first, Ren hadn’t realized that anything was wrong, because Tokiya hadn’t acted completely right for months. 

But Tokiya had been afraid recently. More than usual. Ren would have gotten closer to Tokiya’s face, concerned. “Oh, darling.” His eyebrows would have furrowed. “Have you been staying awake?”

Ren’s hand would have moved to settle on Tokiya’s cheek, but Tokiya would have turned his head sharply before Ren could actually touch him. “What does it concern you?” His voice would come out cold. 

He isn’t snapped out of it until he notices the hurt look on Ren’s face, and then a wave of cold would wash over him. “No, no- Ren, I-I’m so sorry, I didn’t-” Tokiya would curl in on himself, his hands moving to his hair and tightening. He’d whimper. “I’m so sorry, Ren, I shouldn’t have-” Tokiya can’t even get out the full apology, pulling harshly at his hair. “Please don’t leave me. Even if you hate me please don’t leave.” Ren would react, eyes a little too wide. 

“Hey, ssh, you’re okay- It’s alright.” Ren’s hands would carefully move to Tokiya’s, trying to get him to stop. “I could never hate you, and I’ll never leave you. I know you didn’t mean it. It wasn’t that bad, either, Toki. You’re okay. Please let go.” Ren’s gentle pressure on his hands would be the only thing that would get Tokiya to finally release his hold, but Ren would notice that there’s blood on his nails, from where he had missed his hair and had dug his fingers into his scalp. “Oh, honey.” Ren’s grip on Tokiya’s hands are tight. “You can’t do this to yourself. I know you don’t want to sleep, but you can’t stay awake.”

Tokiya would begin to rock, his eyes too wide and his lip trembling. “I’m sorry, don’t leave me, I’m sorry.”

Ren’s face would sadden. He wants to move Tokiya, but he can’t, because Tokiya is struggling against his grip, his hands trying to return to his hair. 

Ren would sit on the couch, moving Tokiya’s hands so that Ren can wrap one of his around both of Tokiya’s, and then his arm would wrap around Tokiya, holding him tightly. “I’m not going to leave, baby. I’ll stay right here with you.” His voice is quiet, but it’s repetitive. “You’ll be alright. I love you. I won’t leave.”

It would take a long time to calm Tokiya down, and then Ren would insist on Tokiya going to sleep. Tokiya would fall asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, but he would awaken to nightmares. Ren would calm him, and help him fall back asleep. 

After the event where Tokiya had snapped at Ren, Tokiya would panic much easier after much less. If Ren would leave the room for more than a few minutes, Tokiya would begin to cry. It would break Ren’s heart to see how surprised Tokiya would seem when Ren would come back in. 

“I told you I wouldn’t leave you, baby. Please believe me.” Ren’s voice is so soft. 

“I’m a mess.” Tokiya would give a humorless smile, and his face was certainly a mess. “You don’t-” The smile would drop. He would watch Ren with teary eyes for a moment, trying to pull himself together. A glimmer of the Tokiya he used to be showing on his face. “You don’t have to stay, Ren. I know you promised, but you don’t… deserve this.”

“You went through so much, Toki.” Ren would say, his voice unsteady. “You’re the one that doesn’t deserve this.”

“If you don’t leave now, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to let you go, Ren.” Tokiya would hang his head. 

“So be it. I don’t want to leave.” Ren would wrap his arms around Tokiya. 

In a moment of clarity, Tokiya realizes that he wasn’t the only one broken by his capture. 

He realizes that his relationship isn’t healthy. He’s over-reliant on Ren. Ren is encouraging it, whether he really means to or not- likely in guilt for not being there for Tokiya. For not stopping this. 

Tokiya isn’t healthy enough right now to care. 

He wanted to be with Ren. Ren wanted to be with him. That was enough. 

It would go on for two years. Tokiya wouldn’t get better, not mentally. Physically, he’d even manage to get out of the wheel chair, with a lot of help from Ren. Ren treated him well, but Tokiya’s unhealthy obsession with him still remained. 

If Ren left the house, Tokiya would go with him, clutching onto his arm the entire time they were out. 

At home, Tokiya would often follow Ren. Ren could move freely around the house, but Tokiya was a lot more comfortable next to Ren. 

Ren did, however, seem more comfortable having Tokiya near him. 

Ren was extremely protective. 

He was protective when it wasn’t entirely necessary, but he was really protective in the few times it was. 

Like the time they had been cornered by some homophobic asshole, who had tried to pick something with Tokiya. 

“Fuckin’ fairy.” The man would have bumped hard into Tokiya’s shoulder from behind in passing, but it would make Tokiya whimper, almost hiding in Ren’s side. 

Ren would have looked absolutely livid. Perhaps there may have been talking if the man hadn’t run into Tokiya- and Tokiya’s reaction didn’t help. Ren wouldn’t have hesitated to deck the man. 

He was much less confident, faced with someone who knew how to fight. And while the man didn’t know it, Ren had hit him with his nondominant hand- the other hand holding Tokiya behind himself. 

That was the largest incident, luckily. But Ren would be careful and defensive over smaller things. Something Ren hadn’t done before Tokiya had been taken. 

And then, Ranmaru would have reentered the picture. Ranmaru had to end his Agent career early after a leg injury, but they had moved him near Ren and Tokiya. 

Ranmaru would have seemed genuinely… sad… when he had seen Ren and Tokiya’s state. 

Ranmaru would have barely said hello before he would have pulled Ren to the side. Tokiya would have listened in on the conversation. 

“Don’t give me that look, Ren.” Ranmaru voice is warning. “You and Toki are already in this too far.”

“What do you mean?” Ren’s voice is careful, but it’s almost defensive. 

“I know Toki’s messed up, Ren-”

“Ranmaru.” Ren would say sharply, and Tokiya would hear Ranmaru sigh. 

“It’s a fact, Ren. We both know it. But you’re not right, either. Your dependency on each other ain’t healthy, Ren. Not for either of ya.”

“He needs me.” Ren’s voice is surprisingly cold. 

“He thinks he does. And you think you need him. You need to give him some space, Ren.”

“If he asks for it, I’ll give it to him. He’s not ready.”

“It’s been years, Ren.”

“And I’ll wait as long as he needs.”

“If you want a healthy relationship with him, you need ‘t let him outta the nest. You’re carin’ about him _too_ much. It wasn’t really good then, and it’s really not good now. He needs to know how to take care of himself again, Ren. Whether he wants to or not.”

Ren would remain silent. 

“I know you care about him, Ren. Trust me. I’m only sayin’ this ‘cause I care about you two.”

“Then what do you suggest I do?” Ren’s voice is strained. 

“Give him some time.”

“I can’t just leave him alone cold turkey, Ran.”

“I’ll stay for awhile, if you’re that worried.”

“...Do you really think that this is what’s best for him?”

“I do.” Ranmaru’s voice comes out gruff. 

“...Okay.”

Tokiya’s heart would fall. 

Was Ren really leaving him?

Had Ranmaru really come back just to ruin his relationship?

Tokiya felt hurt. He felt like he had been stabbed in the back. Ranmaru had been back for five minutes. What did he know about what Tokiya needed?

And Ren had agreed. 

If Ren really wanted Tokiya to leave him alone, he could have just told him. That was why Ren agreed, right? Because he was tired of taking care of Tokiya?

Tokiya could handle himself, Tokiya would decide. His eyes would fill with tears as Ren and Ranmaru would exit the room. One look at his face would get a cautious look onto Ren’s. 

“Toki-”

“Don’t.” Tokiya’s voice isn’t angry. It’s empty. “You don’t- neither of you have to stay here.” He’d bite back a sob. “I think… you should just both leave. Or I can. I’ll just… if you want me to take care of myself so badly, I will.”

“That’s not what this is about-”

“Don’t.” Tokiya was much sharper with Ranmaru. He’d shove past both of them, ignoring the broken, guilty look on Ren’s face. He doesn’t even look at Ranmaru. “If I’m a problem, I wish you would have told me.” 

Tokiya didn’t believe that Ranmaru cared about him. 

He felt like Ren’s agreement was Ren breaking his promise. 

Ren was leaving him. 

“Toki, please-” Ren’s voice is pleading. 

Tokiya would ignore him. 

That’s what they wanted, right?

He’d enter the bedroom, and he’d close the door. He’d stumble, his muscles beginning to act up. It happened sometimes when Tokiya got really upset. 

Tokiya was hysterical. He hardly felt like he could breathe. 

He would just barely manage to lock the door. He had never locked the door in all of his time in his home. He can’t even remember the last time he had shut it. 

Tokiya felt alone. Ranmaru could take Ren from him. That was why Ranmaru was here, clearly. 

Ren had left him. 

Tokiya’s hands would claw at his throat. He couldn’t breathe. 

He’d upset himself to the point that he’d fall asleep. 

He would sleep, and he’d wake up and cry, and then he’d fall asleep again. 

He wasn’t well enough to be alone. He knew that. He was sure that Ren knew that, too. But he’d rather be alone than to be with Ranmaru. Ranmaru could be with Ren.

When Tokiya was gone, when he was taken, Ren was probably with Ranmaru. Did Ranmaru get moved here to do this? What had Tokiya done to him?

Tokiya’s phone would ring until it died. It was Ren. There was a few calls from Ranmaru- and to Tokiya’s dismay, he’d realize that most of the calls were Ranmaru. 

He would block Ranmaru’s number. When his phone died, he let it die. 

He still had nightmares. Every time he slept. But there wasn’t anyone there to comfort him through it. 

Actually, his nightmares had begun to go away, with Ren. But now that Ren was gone- Tokiya was back to square one. 

Maybe Tokiya could have gotten better. Maybe he just needed more time. 

He guesses he wouldn’t figure that out.

Tokiya wasn’t hungry, but he couldn’t ignore his thirst, so he would go to the kitchen. Ren was in the living room, and he doesn’t look well. Tokiya turns to the kitchen, but he can’t stop his hand, clutching over his chest. Ren would stand. Tokiya decides to try to double back, but he’d stumble, nearly falling. 

“Toki, please.” Ren had been crying. “I’m sorry, baby. Please. I won’t leave. Ran only wanted to help you, and I just want what’s best for you. I don’t want to leave you. I’m not tired of taking care for you. If this won’t work, I won’t do it.”

Tokiya would cry. “You’re lying.” His voice would lose most of its understandability, and it’s so dry. He hadn’t gotten the water, and speaking is painful, especially as hysterical as he is. “You left and you chose Ranmaru. I’m doing fine by myself, just like you wanted.”

Ren’s face is sad. He still won’t let go of Tokiya. “I never left. I haven’t left the apartment, Toki. Let’s get you some water and talk about this.” 

“I can get it myself.” Tokiya would say harshly, trying to pull away from Ren, but before he gets far, he’d be hit with another round of sobs, and his knees would buckle. Ren would catch him, but would have to kneel, both of them now down on the ground. When Tokiya goes limp, Ren almost loses his grip, but manages to catch him. 

Ren’s attention would be drawn to the scratch marks on Tokiya’s neck when Tokiya tries to create new ones. Ren would hold him tightly, restraining him, for some time, until Tokiya stops crying. 

“I thought we were fine.” Tokiya would whimper.

Ren would stay silent for a moment, petting through Tokiya’s hair. “You aren’t doing very well, from your… incident. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. I… should have handled it better- helping you. I think you are a little over dependent on me, and I think I do let it happen, more than I should. And that’s not your fault honey, it’s mine.”

“What’s wrong with it?” Tokiya’s voice would break. “I was starting to do better. I know I was.”

“Ran didn’t know that. Ran was worried.” Tokiya face would harden at the mention of Ranmaru. “I’m not choosing him, baby, but please understand- he wasn’t trying to hurt you. He told me he’d leave this between us. Please don’t hate him, honey.”

“He’s trying to take you. That’s why he’s here. That’s why he wants me alone.”

“He didn’t want you alone, and he isn’t trying to steal me. He was going to stay with you, honey, so you wouldn’t be alone.”

“Maybe I should be.” Tokiya would say miserable. “I’m a mess.”

“You’re broken.” Ren says quietly. “And it’s not your fault. It’s going to be hard to fix you, but I don’t think you’re beyond repair.”

“Are you sure about that?” 

“I am.” Ren would return to petting through Tokiya’s hair. “Let’s get you some water.”

Ren would make Tokiya stand, not trusting him to stay if he leaves without him. He’d bring Tokiya to the fridge, stepping in front of him to keep him there as he’d grab a bottle of water, uncapping it for Tokiya. Tokiya would take it, and he drinks it, quicker than he should. 

Ren seems uncertain- like he should stop Tokiya, but like he isn’t sure if he should. 

When Tokiya goes back to the room, Ren follows him. When he enters, he can’t close the door fast enough to keep Ren out. Ren clearly has no intention of letting Tokiya out of his sight. Tokiya stops fighting when Ren lies down with him and holds him close. 

It would take some time, but Tokiya has made it clear that he can’t take care of himself alone. 

Ren doesn’t seem comfortable leaving him alone, either. Even less so now. 

Ren had convinced Tokiya to at least let Ranmaru come over, and after some time, after Ren had gotten Tokiya’s trust back, Tokiya would have actually let Ranmaru come in. 

Ranmaru seems sad, looking at the two of them, but true to his word, he lets Tokiya and Ren figure it out between themselves. 

He does seem to agree with Ren on one of Ren’s ideas- 

“Toki, how would you feel about a service animal?”

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. “What do you mean?”

“What if I were to get you an emotional support animal? Would that be something you’d be interested in?”

Tokiya’s eyebrows don’t raise, but he genuinely thinks about it. 

“I think so.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit uncertain, but it was mostly because the question had come out of nowhere. “I’ve never had a pet.”

“We could go look at some, and see if any of them speak to you.”

When they would go to look, Tokiya actually would find one. A good natured, calm border collie dog. 

The longer they’d bring him to training, the more in tune to Tokiya he would get- often helping calm Tokiya down. 

Ren’s secret plan had worked- and Ranmaru really had seemed to like it. 

Ren would very, very slowly begin to separate himself, just a bit from Tokiya, because now that Tokiya wasn’t alone, he’d handle it better. 

And Tokiya’s new emotional support pup loved him, and Tokiya certainly loved him, too. 

Ren and Tokiya’s relationship still wasn’t exactly healthy. 

Tokiya still relied too heavily on Ren, and Ren still encouraged it far too much- but Tokiya had begun to get a bit better. 

There were less breakdowns, and when he had them, his pup could help him just as well as Ren could. The nightmares were less often, and even his distrust of Ranmaru had slowly begun to die down. 

And perhaps, with time, he’d even manage to get better.


	27. Chapter Twenty Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Au - Ren is not an idol
> 
> WARNING - non-descriptive nonconsent, very sexual themes, prostitution

Ren had been working on the streets for years. Before he had even turned eighteen. It wasn’t anything that he enjoyed doing, but when his dad had tried to pressure him to become the face of the company, he denied, and that was at the cost of being cut off and being forced to find his own money. His brother and Masa, two of the people who may care about his situation, only knew that Ren was getting money, but nothing clear about what it was that he actually did. He’d like to keep it that way. 

And then there was Ran. 

Ren had kept in close contact with Ran, his old childhood friend. Ran and his family had been through a lot, but Ranmaru had chosen to go down the idol route. Ren was happy for him. 

If he could change his own mind at this point, he would. 

Ranmaru had no idea of his situation, either. 

Ren may have made a move on Ran by now. Ranmaru was clearly showing interest back, in his gruff attempted flirts. It wasn’t that he wasn’t romantic- it was that his tone always made everything seem aggressive. Ren had practice looking behind the words. But Ren wasn’t going to tell Ranmaru what he did, and Ren couldn’t afford to stop, and there was no way that Ren would ever hide it. Ranmaru didn’t deserve that. So Ren hasn’t pursued Ran. He tries to just be happy being close with Ranmaru. He’s very careful, trying to keep it at the medium where Ranmaru doesn’t feel rejected, but also doesn’t get his hopes up, because if he chose to ask Ren, Ren couldn’t say yes. 

Ren didn’t want to say no.

Ren’s job was the exact opposite definition of smooth. He always had protection on him, though sometimes it was a real issue to get others to use it. Ren swung both ways, men and women, though he had a surprising amount of men. 

Many of them went… as well as they could. He had quite a few customers that were clearly inexperienced, and those were his favorite because it was hardly ever rough, and they paid him fairly. 

Tonight Ren had two drunks, and he only had three customers. Three still felt like entirely too much, but he was struggling. They paid him fine, both of them, but he hated drunks. By the time he was finally getting back home, he could already feel his face bruising and his eye blackening. The first drunk had hit particularly hard, and then ridiculed and teased him about the issues he’d have finding more customers without his pretty face. 

Ren wondered if that man had issues with his wife. Sometimes it was painfully obvious that that was the case, and that they were just taking it out on Ren, a man they’d never see again. Or at least, Ren hoped. He hated getting regulars. It made him uncomfortable. 

Ren had every intention to go inside of his home to ice his sore face and sleep. His arms were covered in bruises that looked like fingerprints from where they gripped him far too hard. He had a headache, because the second drunk had been very into hair pulling. Not that Ren wasn’t, but he preferred a gentler touch than grabbing and yanking. 

Ren ran into Ranmaru, who was just starting to head away from Ren’s door- he would have backed up, waited for Ran to leave, but Ranmaru had already caught Ren’s eye. It was early morning, so Ren guessed that Ranmaru stopped by before work, though Ren wasn’t sure why. 

“Oh, good.” Ranmaru would begin to approach Ren. “I forgo- Shit, Ren, what happened?” Ranmaru leans in with narrowed eyes, looking at Ren’s face. 

Ren just shakes his head. He’s too tired and sore to make up an excuse, but he’s not tired enough to tell Ranmaru the truth. 

“It isn’t anything important.” Is what Ren settles with. Ranmaru doesn’t seem content with the answer. “Please don’t push me on this. Now, what can I help you with? You forgot something?”

Ranmaru’s jaw tightens as he looks at Ren’s face. “Ren if this is something serious you need to tell me.”

How could Ren? Ren didn’t often feel that he needed to hide things, but his job wasn’t something that anyone would take lightly. He slept with strangers for money. He didn’t want pity, and he didn’t want to be judged- but what other options were there for him?

“What did you forget, Ran? You have to go to work soon, don’t you?” Ranmaru’s face doesn’t soften as he huffs. 

Despite his answer, he doesn’t seem to have dropped the subject. “Just forgot my bass strap in your apartment.” 

“I’ll let you in.” Ren walks to his door, fishing his keys out of his pants and unlocking the door. Ranmaru follows him in. 

Ren had hoped that Ranmaru might actually drop it, but he’s not that lucky. 

“You’re not the fighting type.” Ranmaru says flatly, as he looks around for the bass strap. “So what the fuck happened to you?”

“I told you that I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’ve got a black eye. If you’re out gettin’ yourself hurt, I want to know about it Ren.”

“You don’t need to know about it, Ran. It’s just a black eye.”

“For now.” Ranmaru scowls. “How often do you come home beat up like that?”

“Not often.”

“So it’s happened before?”

Ren sighs. “Ran, I appreciate your concern, but please let me worry about this.” 

Ranmaru finds his bass strap. He scowls. 

“I’m not done with this, Ren. I don’t know what you’re not telling me, but I don’t like it.”

Ren just sighs. Ranmaru stares at him for a long moment, and then shakes his head, mumbling. “I’ll be back after work.”

Ranmaru leaves the apartment. Ren goes to the freezer, to try to bring down the swelling in his face. Once he’s spent some time holding the bag of ice to his eye, and his cheek, he’d go to take a shower. He’s in there for a long time. 

Ren doesn’t take short showers anymore. It seems like no matter how long he’s in the shower, he just can’t get himself clean enough. Part of the job, he guesses. 

He’d sleep through most of the day, waking up to a knock on his door. He’d rub his eyes, but would wince when he applies pressure to the swollen eye. Ren would go open the door. 

Ranmaru enters Ren’s home. 

Ren needs to leave soon, but he doesn’t want to announce it. Ranmaru’s looking for an opening, and there’s no way he’s not going to question Ren’s job if Ren brings it up. 

Being secretive was exhausting. 

“Have you eaten?” Ren asks, starting to head to the kitchen. 

“Why won’t you talk to me, Ren?” 

Ren sighs. Ren was not easily angered, and he couldn’t be in this situation. He had no right to be angry. But without snapping at Ranmaru, he couldn’t think of another way to get Ran to drop it. 

“Please, Ranmaru.” Ren’s voice is sharper. “I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need it.”

Ranmaru’s face is angry. 

“I need to go. If you want to stay, feel free.” Ren grabs the bag he’s set next to the door, and he leaves. 

Ranmaru watches him exit. 

Ranmaru begins checking on Ren before his work and after Ren’s. Each time that Ren comes home looking worse for wear it becomes harder to get Ranmaru off his case. 

It had been a few weeks. Ren had terrible days before, but usually he’d go to his empty home and cry until he had exhausted himself, and he’d sleep. He tries his damndest to hold himself together, but his eyes burn when he sees Ranmaru in front of his door, waiting for him. 

Ranmaru is immediately cued in to the fact that something’s wrong. He’d walk up to Ren before Ren had even gotten to the door. There was a bruise darkening on his throat. 

“I’m done. Let’s go inside so you can tell me what’s going on.” Ranmaru says quietly. Ren fumbles for a second just to take out his keys, and Ranmaru takes them from Ren to open his door. Ren is quiet until he gets inside, and he bursts into tears. To say that Ranmaru is concerned is an understatement. 

Ranmaru wasn’t typically an affectionate person, but he’d wrap his arms around Ren, his grip tight. Ren would return the hug, holding onto Ran’s shirt. Ren had never had anyone comfort him after a day like this. He knew that Ranmaru wasn’t going to let him drop the subject, and he was afraid of how Ranmaru was going to react. Ranmaru wouldn’t rush him. 

“You’re going to be late for work.” Ren says weakly. 

“I don’t care. I’m going to stay here until you tell me what’s happening.”

Ren pulls away from Ranmaru, wiping at his eyes. His hands shake a bit. Ren was hoping to hide this longer. 

“I’ve never told you where I work because I don’t think you’d agree with it, but I’d like to preface this by telling you that it’s out of necessity. It was the only thing I could find at the time, and the longer I’ve done it the less options I’ve had.” Ren swallows hard. “I’m… an escort.”

“What?”

Ren can’t meet Ranmaru’s eyes. “I work on the street. I have for years. That’s where the bruises come from.”

“...What made today different?” Ranmaru seems hesitant to ask the question. His voice is low. 

“...I denied a customer, because he had skipped out on paying before, and-” Ren’s voice shakes the further into speaking he gets. He quickly wipes at his eyes again, trying to stop the tears. “He used me anyways. It… happens. But it’s frustrating. And of course, on top of it, he stiffed me again.”

Ranmaru gets quiet. He looks furious. He takes a deep breath in through his nose and releases it in the same way. “You’re done.” Ranmaru says quietly. “I don’t care if I have to pay your damn bills myself, I’m not letting you do this.”

“Ran-”

“I’m not arguing with you.” Ranmaru had released Ren from the hug, but he was still close and his hand would reach out, lightly resting against Ren’s throat, over the bruise. “I shouldn’t have let you get away with this for so long. I don’t want to see you in the news one day when something goes wrong and they find you dead, Ren.” Ren flinches. “I’ll find you a fuckin’ job if you won’t let me help, but you’re not doing this anymore.”

Despite all of this- Ren smiles. It’s a dry, humorless smile, and his voice matches. “I don’t have the skills to work anywhere else, Ran.”

“Don’t.” Ranmaru’s response is quick and sharp. “That’s bullshit. I can’t even imagine what you’ve put yourself through doing this, but you’re wrong.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows are lowered. He looks stern. “I can’t even imagine you havin’ trouble getting a job. I just wish you’d told me about this sooner, Ren.” Ranmaru sighs. “I’ll help you figure somethin’ out. But you’re not going back.” 

“I don’t know what else you expect me to do, Ran. I’ve tried. This wasn’t my first option.” Ren’s voice is quiet. “Of course I don’t want to do this. It isn’t fun feeling used and thrown away. But it isn’t that easy. To just get up and walk away- there are people I answer to, that take part of my cut.”

“Then I’ll pay them off.”

“You already have things to deal with.” Ren wasn’t incredibly familiar with Ranmaru’s debt, because he didn’t often talk about it, but Ren knew that he did have debts to settle. His father’s, Ren believed. At least. “You shouldn’t feel responsible over me.”

Ren had to fight against him. Of course he’d love to leave- but he doesn’t want to give himself hope that he will. 

Ranmaru goes to respond, but Ren shakes his head. He feels tears spilling over his cheeks, and his voice is strained. “It’s not easy. I can’t expect you to help me, just-” Ren’s voice is vulnerable as he continues talking. “I’m sorry that I’m fighting with you. This just… isn’t the lifestyle that I can get up and leave from. ...My point is that I’m not trying to push you away.” He can’t stop the sob that manages to escape from his throat, and he puts his hand over his mouth, but he isn’t quite finished. “So now you know what I do, and what kind of person I really am. But please don’t leave me. I don’t want to lose you.” 

Ranmaru is quiet for a beat, seemingly surprised by Ren’s answer. “Jesus, Ren.” Ranmaru pulls Ren into another hug. It’s not a soft hug, but it’s protective. Ren is used to hating it when people touch him, but this is different. It makes Ren cry harder. “I’m not going to leave. And don’t think that your job says anything about you. This is fucked up, and I wish you had never gotten involved with it- but you’re the same person I thought you were yesterday. We’re gonna figure this all out, alright? But I don’t want you goin’ out anymore.”

“...Alright.” Ren’s voice is quiet and defeated. He doesn’t know where he’s going to go- but he was worried that arguing with Ranmaru would make him angry. Ren didn’t want this to ruin his relationship with Ranmaru. 

“I’ll help you, alright?” Ranmaru would pull back, his hands remaining on Ren’s upper arms, his look serious. 

“I can’t ask you to do that.” Ren’s voice is almost miserable. “I’ll try to apply for jobs again. I… hopefully will find somewhere.”

“...I’ll give you a week.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows have lowered. “If you haven’t found anythin’, I’ll find something.” 

Ren would stay quiet, but he’d nod. 

He absolutely didn’t like what he did now. He hated being used, and feeling like an object. It was a service that made him feel sick and made him hate himself. But he knew how to do it, and he had everything arranged. 

But now he had to find something else, and he had to find it quickly. Not to mention the money he’d have to pay for leaving his current job. 

Ren wasn’t sure how much it was worth it. But it felt now as if he’d have to choose between his job, or Ranmaru’s support- and Ranmaru was one of the only people he had remained close with. He couldn’t ignore the fact that Ranmaru cared for him, and it caused Ren some physical pain when he thought about Ranmaru doing his job. If Ranmaru had gotten hurt by some strange man, virtually taking advantage of him- Ren would have to bite back tears. That’s why he was choosing Ranmaru.

Ranmaru would stop by both before and after work- though he wouldn’t stay long before, so long as Ren was asleep, and not out of his house. He’d stay until well after dinner to make sure that Ren didn’t leave. 

Ren _would_ have tried to apply for jobs, but so far would have had no luck, and with the week nearing the end, he’d feel nervous. 

Desperate. He didn’t want to enlist Ranmaru’s help. Ranmaru already had enough to worry about already. 

In Ren’s mind, he really only had one skill- and that was using his body. But he wouldn’t put himself in danger again, because Ranmaru had asked him not to. He couldn’t just go back. 

So he’d do the next best thing, even if he’d have tears in his eyes as he set everything up, his hands shaking. 

Was Ren really going to be a cam boy?

He didn’t have a choice. It was a way to make money without putting himself in physical danger. It was embarrassing, and for him, it was degrading. 

This didn’t feel like a choice. This wasn’t something he enjoyed- he got no pleasure from it himself. But it would pay the bills and it was something he was capable of. 

He’d wipe the tears out of his eyes, and he’d get together the same persona he had used on the streets and would have sat in front of the camera. 

He would have gotten surprisingly popular fairly quickly. 

Ren would have told Ranmaru that it was an online job- A simple transcriptionist type of job that he had reached out to his brother for. Ranmaru had believed him, and Ren was content with that. 

But Ren hadn’t started it until his week was nearly up, and he wasn’t making nearly as much money as he had on the streets. 

It would have been an afternoon where Ranmaru was sitting in Ren’s apartment when Ren would have gotten a knock on the door- his heart beating uncomfortably when he’d realize that it was his landlord. 

Ren had known he was a bit late on his payment. He had paid it in partial, but this was the real world, and that wasn’t enough. Ren hardly had enough money right now to eat. He wasn’t sure how he’d scrape up enough, especially if he was asked for it right then. 

“Ren.” The landlord would have a look in his eyes that would make Ren uncomfortable. Ren already didn’t like the use of his first name. This already didn’t feel professional. “Your payment is late.”

Ranmaru would have begun to pay attention to the conversation. Ren didn’t need to see him to tell. “I’m sorry.” Ren is genuinely apologetic. Almost afraid. He had never been late before with a payment. “Please, give me one more week and I can have it and interest.” If Ren was online more, he could manage it. Fake a sickness to keep Ranmaru out of the apartment for a few days, do some of the risque requests that Ren was uncomfortable with. 

The landlord would click his tongue, and there’s an almost predatory look in his eyes. Ren thinks he knows where this is going. He knew he didn’t live in the nicest place, and that the landlord had always seemed sketchy, but what was about to come out of his mouth was downright scummy. “It’s going to take more than interest for me to extend your payment. I’ve seen some of your shows.” Ren feels physically ill when the landlord licks his lips. “Maybe if you give me a personal one I can push your date back.”

Ren’s throat would close up. He’s about to answer- a quiet affirmative, but then he feels a hand on his shoulder, pulling him out of the way. 

Even Ren hadn’t expected Ranmaru to _punch_ the man.

Ranmaru would take out his wallet, pulling out some bills, throwing them on the ground near the man. His voice is almost seething. “That should cover it. Should cover the contract break, too, because he’s not stayin’ here.” With that, Ranmaru would pull Ren back inside, slamming the door behind himself. “Fucker.” Ranmaru would grumble. He’d step further into the apartment, and Ren would press himself closer to the door. This wasn’t how he wanted Ranmaru to find out.

Ranmaru would breathe out, running his hands over his face, and when he turns to Ren, his face is carefully closed off, to hide his expressions. “Talk to me Ren.” His voice is almost pleading. “What the hell have you gotten yourself into now?”

Ren has to stay quiet for a moment. His answer is nearly inaudible. “I tried to get a real job, Ran. I didn’t… go back to the streets. You told me not to, and I didn’t. I joined a camera website, one that pays for requests. It isn’t… good. It’s not a good situation, but it’s not nearly as dangerous. It just… it doesn’t pay as much, either.”

“You’re still-” Ranmaru’s jaw would set, and he’d close his eyes, exhaling harshly through his nose. “I wanted to find you a real job because I don’t _want_ people sexualizing you, Ren. I get that you’re used to it, but you’re obviously fuckin’ miserable about it, too.” Ranmaru would press his palms against his eyes for a second, and when he lets his hands drop, he looks almost vulnerable. “I love you, Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff, but it hides most of the emotion in it. “Take that however you need to take that, ‘s long as you don’t keep doing this to yourself. I don’t want you doin’ this, Ren. _For you._.”

Ren’s hands shake when he reaches up to rub his eyes, and he pulls his hand away, wet with tears that have begun to form. 

Ranmaru’s voice would soften. He’d walk forward, setting his hand on Ren’s elbow, his fingers pressing lightly into the inside of his arm. “I wanna hear it from you. What are you feelin’ Ren? What do you feel, doin’ this job?”

Ren would swallow hard. “I know some people find… pleasure in it. In exhibition, and the type of thing I’m doing but I… don’t. It’s just… easy, Ran. It’s too easy. I don’t want it to be, but I’ve been doing this type of thing for so long that it comes natural. I hate myself more and more the longer that I do it, because I don’t _want_ people to see me as nothing but a sex symbol, but I think it’s too late.”

“It’s not.” Ranmaru would say firmly. “But I don’t think you’re gonna be able to do this by yourself Ren.” Ranmaru would glance at the door. “And I’m not givin’ you a choice. I think I already made one of your choices for ya with the landlord.” Ranmaru’s face would darken at the mention of the landlord. “I’m takin’ you back with me. Or I’ll drop you off at Masa’s, or your home. You’re not stayin’ here.”

“Ran-” Ren’s voice is almost weak. 

“I’m not gonna fight you on this. I’m also gonna talk to the head of my company tomorrow, find something for you to do. No more street work, no more camera business. We’re gonna get you doin’ something that won’t make you hate yourself or your life. I don’t want you living like that, Ren.” Ren would lean forward, resting his forehead against Ranmaru’s shoulder. His tears are silent, but they’re quick. “I want ‘t help, Ren. Just let me.”

“I’m not sure if it’s right.” Ren would admit quietly. “But alright. I… Did… you really mean it? When you told me you loved me?”

“‘Course I did.”

“Then I love you, too. I think I have for a while. I just… I couldn’t tell you, because of what I was involved in. Because of what I was doing.”

“You’re tellin’ me now.” Ranmaru says quietly. “Does that mean you’re done? That you’ll listen?”

“...It does.” 

Ren would agree to live with Ranmaru, rather than to go to Masato or his brother. It didn’t help that they didn’t know about any of this- but Ranmaru agreed to keep it between him and Ren. Especially now that it was over. 

Unfortunately, Ren would have gotten threats. Demands to return to work. 

More unfortunately, Ranmaru would have covered his debts. Ren would have expressed guilt over Ranmaru handling it, but Ranmaru would assure him that he’d rather Ren be safe and off of the streets, even if it cost him to do that. 

Ren would have started as a simple intern- but at least he was making valid money doing it. 

Surprisingly, the head of Ranmaru’s Agency, Shining Saotome, would have taken an interest in Ren. Ren would have only been working a few months, and he would have started moving up. He’d become an assistant to some of the idols- funny enough, Ranmaru’s band, and then up to a manager. He’d then assist the song writer- and then Ren would be told to be in a certain place in a certain time. 

He’d enter a room with six other men, none of which he had really seen around- though he’d recognize a few as solo idols. If he was right, one of them looked an awful lot like Hayato, a fairly popular idol. 

And then Shining would come in to tell them that Shining wanted a seven person boy band, and he wanted them all in it. 

Shining really didn’t give them room to object- and Ren wasn’t really sure if he wanted to or not. In the end, he’d decide to go along with it. He had wished, some time back, that he had just went along with his family’s wishes. In a way, he supposes he was now. 

“Ran?” Ren would be lying on the couch, his head in Ranmaru’s lap, Ranmaru’s hands in his hair, idly messing with it. Ranmaru would grunt. “Did you have any idea that Shining was planning to put me in a band?”

Ranmaru’s hands would still. “What?” Ranmaru sounds confused. That’s the only real emotion in his voice. 

“He called me into a room today with several men and told us we were going to be a band.”  
Ranmaru snorts. He can’t help it. “What did y’say?”

“He didn’t really let any of us say much of anything. I think I might go along with it.”

“‘S that what you want?”

“I… think so.” 

“Then good.” Ranmaru’s hands would return to Ren’s hair. “I had no idea he was plannin’ anything, but I guess I should’a. He was movin’ you up awful fast.”

“Come to think of it, I don’t know that I ever mentioned I’m musically inclined.”

“I might’a mentioned somethin’ ‘bout it. Back when I told ‘im ‘bout you.”

Ren would give an over dramatic, though slightly amused, sigh. “I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.” His voice is teasing, but there’s a slight smile on his lips. “I think this could be good.” Ren muses. “I hope it is. I spoke to the other men and they seem nice enough.”

“Worth a try.” Ranmaru would agree.

They’d fall into a comfortable silence, for a moment, and then Ren would sigh. “I’m never going to get these tangles out of my hair.”

“It’s a braid.” 

“It’s a knot.”

“Same thing.”

Ren would laugh. It hadn’t been that long since he had last laughed- but that was only because of Ranmaru. Before that, it had been some time. Ren was comfortable. He liked being with Ranmaru, and living with him. He liked not being afraid, or of dreading work, or customers. 

But he still wasn’t unrecognizable. 

He and Ranmaru would have been walking down the street together. Unfortunately, they were now both under the love rule, because Ranmaru had already been in a band, and Ren was now in one as well. It wouldn’t stop them from spending time together, but there was distance between them, for safety of the rule. 

It meant that Ranmaru hadn’t seen Ren tense up, noticing the face of a man. 

Ren hated regulars. 

The man would see Ren, and he’d get an almost sleazy smile on his face. At first, nothing happens, but then the man gets close to Ren. 

“Haven’t seen you in a while, baby. Been looking for you.” He’d have swatted Ren’s ass, and Ren would feel sick. There are tears in his eyes already, but his face remains almost stoic. “I’ll be around here all day. Soon as you finish with him, come meet up with me. I don’t mind sloppy seconds.” 

Ranmaru is livid- but Ren’s yet to draw any real attention to himself, or Ranmaru, so he’d put out a hand to stop Ranmaru. He didn’t need Ranmaru in the tabloids for attacking a man on the street. 

“I’m afraid I’m not doing that anymore. You’ll have to find someone else.” Ren’s voice is very quiet. Ranmaru is almost shaking besides him, his hand clenched into fists. 

The man would laugh. “Don’t be so cold, baby. Even if you did leave, you won’t be gone for long. What’s one more going to do? Once a whore, always a whore, you know.” 

Ren is hurt by that sentence. It feels like a physical blow, and he can’t even try to stop Ranmaru when he moves again, the blow coming quickly. Ranmaru hits him twice before the man scurries off like a scared dog. Ren is still, and one of his hands would cover his mouth, pressing down to keep his sobs in. 

He and Ranmaru were on their way to lunch, but Ren only felt sick right now. 

“I want to go home.” Ren would say quietly, almost pathetically. He isn’t able to keep all of the tears from spilling over, some trailing down his cheeks. 

“Let’s go.” Ranmaru would say quietly, his voice tense. His hand lands on Ren’s back- at this point, who cared about the tabloids? Ranmaru didn’t. Ren couldn’t. 

Once a whore, always a whore. 

It hurt him a lot. During the walk home, it was all that Ren could think about. 

As soon as they’re in the apartment, Ranmaru turns to him, Ranmaru’s hand moving to rest on Ren’s cheek. Ranmaru’s anger isn’t gone, but there’s a lot of concern there, too. Ren would finally break down, holding Ranmaru’s hand to his cheek, which would prompt Ranmaru to hold Ren closer. 

“Don’t hold onto anythin’ that he told you, Ren. I told you before and I’ll tell you now, that job didn’t define you. I… can’t lie to you. I think there were other things y’could’ve done- other options you could’ve taken. I wish you would’a asked for help. But you did what you thought you had to do, and even if I hate what that was, and I know you hate it, too- you’re not there anymore, Ren. Don’t let some shitty guy like him make you feel bad about yourself.”

“He wasn’t wrong.” Ren would rub at his eyes with the back of a hand. “I can’t take back what I did. I think whore is a fitting word.” Ren would give a humorless laugh, and he feels Ranmaru stiffen underneath him. 

“You’re wrong.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “You weren’t a whore back then and you’re not right now. You’re even fuckin’ less right now, Ren. People change. Now that you’ve got a chance to treat yourself better, you are, and that’s what matters, Ren. Not some lowlife’s words, not your past. I don’t even think you liked it when you were in it, Ren. You can’t be a whore if you’re not even doin’ it for the enjoyment.”

“...You’re not wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever enjoyed it once.” Ren admits quietly. 

Ren would get quiet, and Ranmaru would go with it, holding Ren tightly, still only a few steps from the door. It would only be the next night when Ranmaru would have shifted from his spot cuddling with Ren on the couch, his face moving closer to Ren’s.

“I wanna show you something.” Ranmaru would mumble, moving, his lips pressing against Ren’s, so soft, for Ranmaru. 

“And what’s that?” Ren’s voice is soft when Ranmaru pulls back, their lips still nearly touching. 

“That sleepin’ with someone doesn’t have to be a miserable experience. That it doesn’t need to be fast, or cruel, or somethin’ you just want to end. That you can _care_ about the person you’re with, can make it more than just sex.” Ranmaru’s hand lifts, brushing over Ren’s cheekbone. “Will you let me?”

“Please.” Ren’s eyes are a bit teary, but there’s a smile on his face. Adoring. 

Ranmaru would. There’s a gentleness to the man that Ren had never seen, but it’s exactly what he needed. 

Ranmaru would go slowly, something Ren wasn’t used to. Ranmaru was good at keeping Ren both comfortable and not in control. To make sure Ren didn’t feel like he needed to rush. 

Ren couldn’t remember the last time _he_ had gotten pleasure from the act, but Ranmaru seemed to focus on it. 

Something as simple as Ranmaru holding out, to make sure they finished at the same time, would almost make Ren cry. 

The best part, better than the slow and sweet act itself, was afterwards, when Ranmaru would wrap his arms around Ren and hold him closely. 

The feeling of Ren’s skin pressed against Ranmaru’s was comforting and not revulsing. 

“Thank you.” Ren’s voice is so quiet, thick with emotion. 

“This is all it’s gonna be from now on.” Ranmaru would promise. “This is ‘bout both of us, Ren. ‘S not a business deal, and it shouldn’t be an unpleasant thing you’ve gotta suffer through. I love you. I know it feels like a job, but not anymore, okay?” Ranmaru would nudge his nose against the spot below Ren’s ear, near the corner of his jaw. “You’ve only gotta do this if you wanna.”

“When it’s with you, Ran, I enjoy it. I’m not just saying that, either. Being with you made it special- I don’t… I never want to go this far with anyone that isn’t you. Not again.” Ren would blink back tears, but he’d turn his head to smile at Ranmaru. “Thank you. For helping me.”


	28. Chapter Twenty Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings ; smut

Tokiya was lonely. He had always wanted a partner- daydreaming about finding his perfect someone since childhood. And it certainly wasn’t as if he didn’t _like_ anyone- but he couldn’t seem to get to be any closer than friends with his closest friend, and admitted (only to himself) crush Ranmaru. 

Many of Tokiya’s daydreams would center around Ranmaru, but they have for years. Tokiya doesn’t think that Ranmaru had really caught onto anything, and Tokiya is afraid to change that. 

At this point, in his mid-twenties, doing nothing but working, sleeping and reading, Ranmaru was Tokiya’s only friend, and Tokiya couldn’t change that. If he lost Ranmaru, he really would be _alone_. 

So when Tokiya had found an online ad about finding your ‘perfect partner’, Tokiya was intrigued, but disbelieving. It was worth a shot, though, to pass an hour or so. 

It would turn out to take nearly three hours, Tokiya taking it more seriously than he actually had meant to. 

According to the site, you would explain why you needed a partner, why you didn’t think you could get one yourself, and then it would go into asking exactly what you wanted in a partner.

Tokiya would have to think for a moment, trying to word his answer for the first question. Why he felt he needed a partner. 

The majority of his answer is that he feels that having someone with him would help him. That there are things about himself that he thinks he may be able to balance out, having someone help him. To mellow him out and keep him grounded- and to have someone else to concern himself about. If he could find himself in a happy, healthy relationship- he thinks it would help _him_. He has issues, caring well enough for himself- but perhaps he’d find it easier, if he could find someone that did care about his well being. Even if he had to care for himself for them, at first, perhaps he could get around to actually seeing something in himself. And he knows how damaging that it can be, staying alone for too long- and when he’s at work he doesn’t feel like he’s acting like himself. He just wants someone else that _wants_ to be around him, someone that would let Tokiya drop his act and would be okay with Tokiya acting like Tokiya. 

Like Ranmaru. Ranmaru never really put up with Tokiya trying to give him an image of himself. But Tokiya doesn’t live with Ranmaru. Perhaps, as friends, Tokiya should feel some obligation to care for himself, _for_ Ranmaru- he can’t bring himself too. There’s a disconnect. Ranmaru would certainly argue that, as Tokiya’s friend, his concerns are entirely valid. That it doesn’t mean that Ranmaru cares about Tokiya any less than a partner would- just in a different way. But Ranmaru doesn’t get to see the full effect of Tokiya living by himself. 

Tokiya would move to the second question. Why he doesn’t think that he can get a partner himself. Tokiya would have gotten somber while answering this question- thoughtful and sad. Tokiya’s simplest answer is that he has too many issues to reasonably expect someone to deal with them. He has a fairly low self view, and he believes most people to share it- he doesn’t like opening up because he feels like he’s just too… annoying. He has bad habits, a stubborn attitude and he doesn’t feel that he’s always easy to get along with, because he can get in a grumpy mood fairly quickly. He likes to live in the future- and he can list far too many faults. All in all, he’s a bit of a pain in the ass to deal with. Not to mention, he seems to be romantically stunted, unable to understand how to proceed. How to start a relationship.

He’d like to believe that these are things he could even get past, with some help- but how could he get someone to stick around long enough to see him improve?

It gets worse before it gets better, right?

And then the last question- surprisingly, this is the hardest one. 

Tokiya’s answer would come very slowly, piece by piece, but he’d eventually find a way to begin to say it. 

His perfect partner is patient- preferably emotional, and calm. Not necessarily stable _all_ of the time, but somewhat, at least. He would like an even blend- because the more ‘perfect’ they seem, the less human. Or, it means that they have a lot underneath, and he doesn’t want perfection as it is. He wants someone to care about him, but to be understanding as well that very few romantically inclined things come _easily_ to him, and that despite his efforts, he’s not an easy to deal with person. 

He supposed that was patience. 

Tokiya wanted a partner that equally enjoyed doing things, and not doing things. He’d want to do adventurous things, but to have just as much fun, reading with his partner on the couch. He wants someone that likes music. 

Tokiya couldn’t imagine having a partner that hated it. Even if they could stand it, it would be enough for him- but Tokiya was almost never in silence. He even slept with music playing, because the quiet was unnerving. 

He’d end it with one sentence, and a wry smile. 

I want a partner that would be able to love me.

Tokiya would overread everything. Particularly the partner he asked for. He felt that he was being too picky, but it wasn’t as if anything would come from this anyways. 

He’d notice that his ideal partner _wasn’t_ a description of Ranmaru. But then again- he wouldn’t want someone _like_ Ranmaru. He wanted Ranmaru. 

There would be one last, multiple-choice type of answer that he’d give his preferences to. 

These ones were a bit weird, and Tokiya would answer them with a raised brow, but why back out now?

“Would you rather a slow burn or established relationship?”

Established.

“Would you want your perfect partner to live with you?”

Yes.

“Your partners age range”

20-30.

“How sexual would you want your partner on a scale from 1-10”

Tokiya’s face is red, but he’d select an 8. 

They’d send him to a personality test, but this one feels far less obvious than any of the questions that he had answered so far.

Tokiya would get an email, confirming that they had gotten his answers and would keep him updated on his application. He would almost forget about it as soon as he read it. 

And then, nearly two weeks later, Tokiya would get another email, telling him to expect his match soon, and confirming his address.

Had he really entered his address? Maybe this wasn’t one of Tokiya’s best ideas. 

Tokiya would be nervous, watching his door over the next hour. 

And interestingly enough, he would see a man, though he’s wearing a frown and an almost… worried expression? He wouldn’t approach Tokiya’s house, though he does seem to take it in. Tokiya would walk outside, though he’d try to make it seem like he hadn’t been watching the man from within. 

The man’s eyes would take Tokiya in, and there’s a look in them that would surprise Tokiya. Mostly because that stern, worried expression is even stronger when he looks at Tokiya. 

Tokiya’s phone would buzz, and he’d take it out, breaking eye contact with the man, his eyebrows lowering, almost confused at the text message. 

It’s from a contact called ‘Perfect Partner’, the name of the website, but Tokiya hadn’t given his number, nor had he gotten a number from them to add as a contact. 

Tokiya would overlook it. Sure, he _shouldn’t_, but what did it matter?

There’s information in the text message. 

“Perfect Partner ; Ren Jinguji. 25, 6’1, percentage match 97%”

It comes with a picture, and it is of the man in front of his house. That feels… surreal. 

“I take it that you’re Tokiya, then?” Ren’s voice is smooth, but there’s an almost scolding tone to it. Tokiya would look up, confused, but feeling like a child who had gotten in trouble. 

Tokiya would nod. 

Ren would sigh, and he’d open his mouth- but then Ranmaru would have come up, and he’d raise an eyebrow at the two. 

“Who’s this?” Ranmaru is looking at Tokiya. 

Ren’s smile would change, turning rather charming, and he’d offer hand for Ranmaru to shake. Ranmaru would- but he’d freeze when Ren spoke. “I’m Ren. Tokiya’s partner.”

“What?” Ranmaru’s full attention is back on Tokiya. 

“He didn’t tell you?” Ren’s voice has a strange, disapproving edge to it. “You’re close with him, aren’t you?” Ren would glance at Tokiya. “Perhaps we should go inside and talk about this.”

“Yeah. I think we should.” Ranmaru would say, his eyes narrowed. 

Tokiya is quiet. He’s definitely feeling like a scolded child now. And how did Ren know anything about Ranmaru?

Tokiya would lead them inside, but he can feel both of them watching him. How was Tokiya to know that this was _real?_ He had thought it was some joke. 

Tokiya was trying to remember- had he even put in his address? He had assumed he did- but he couldn’t remember. He certainly didn’t remember giving his phone number. He doesn’t think he did.

They would sit in the living room. Tokiya would almost automatically move towards the chair, but Ren would subtly cut him off, herding him towards the couch, where Ren would sit next to him. Ranmaru would take his place on the chair. 

“So what’s going on?” Ranmaru’s eyes are still narrowed at Tokiya. 

Tokiya would look at Ren, almost pleading with him to get him out of the situation, but all Ren would say is a gentle, “I think this is best coming from you. Just tell him about your application.”

“Application?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would raise. 

Tokiya would bury his face in his hands. His voice is hardly a mumble. “I found a website to apply for a romantic partner that’s supposed to be a perfect match for you.”

“Like a datin’ site?”

“...Not… exactly? Or… maybe. I’m not entirely sure.” Tokiya would admit. “I didn’t actually think it was real. I answered the questions, and I’m… still not sure what happened.”

Ren would sigh, finally taking pity on Tokiya. “It’s a special website where you go if you don’t believe you’re capable of finding a partner. They ask you questions, to try to deem if you need their help or not- and if they decide you’re a good candidate, they connect you with your perfect match. How your relationship progresses all depends on how you answered your questions.” Ren’s jaw would set. “It may sound harmless enough, but it really… isn’t.”

“What does that mean?” Ranmaru’s voice sounds on edge. 

“Tokiya’s already gotten a text message from them.” Ren would say softly. “And I was dropped off _here_. At his home. Did you give them any of that information, Toki?”

Tokiya is thrown off by the nickname, but he’d answer, though he feels small, under the gaze of both men. “No.” His answer is barely audible. “I didn’t.”

“And why should I trust you?” Ranmaru’s turned on Ren. “You’re obviously a part ‘a this.”

Ren’s face is understanding, but Tokiya can see something similar to hurt flash through his eyes. He gives a very small, strained smile. “I fully understand your concern. But as shady as this business is- it isn’t necessarily a _scam_. Through… certain measures that I am unable to talk about, I do care for Tokiya. I do want the best for him, and for him to stay safe. In that regard- I believe our goals are the same.”

“Y’said that Toki gave some sort of answers? What were they?” Ranmaru would have started by looking at Ren, but would have turned to Tokiya. 

“You can pull them back up, Tokiya. Go to the first email- there’s a link to a log of your answers.”

Tokiya would hesitate, but would slowly take out his phone to pull it up. As soon as it’s up, Ranmaru would take his phone, reading through it. 

Ranmaru’s expression through most of it is hurt. Tokiya doesn’t remember his answer well enough to know exactly why, but he knows it isn’t good. He hadn’t written it with the idea that Ranmaru would ever read it. Tokiya would hang his head. 

“Really, Toki? This is how you feel?”

“It is.” Tokiya would say quietly. Ranmaru’s jaw would tighten. 

“And I’m guessin’ you’re here because he said that he wanted an already goin’ relationship?” Ren would nod. 

“The… unfortunate part about it is that I wasn’t given another place to go. I need to follow Tokiya’s answers, and it’s imperative that I do.”

“Why?”

“I can’t tell you that.” Ren’s voice is firm. 

“I’m really not findin’ it easy to trust you.”

“I’m telling you as much as I can.”

“Then why are you tellin’ either of us anythin’ anyways? Isn’t that against your company?”

“I’m not part of them.” Ren’s voice is cold. “In the same sense that Tokiya is… a bit of a puppet, or a game, to them- I am as well.”

Ranmaru would get really quiet for a moment, and he would look down at the ground. “And you’re here to do what he asked you too? ‘T help?”

“I am.” Ren would promise. “I’m here to keep him happy and safe- safe from himself, too.” Ren would look at Tokiya with a look that seems genuinely sad. And he’d smile, but the sadness isn’t gone. “I’m sorry that our first meeting was me scolding you, Toki. But what you had done was dangerous, and I just don’t think that you care.”

“I… am not entirely sure that you know me.” Tokiya would frown. “I’m not entirely sure that you should act like you do.”

“He’s right.” Ranmaru hadn’t looked up. “He’s been right, talkin’ ‘bout you. That’s comin’ from someone that _does_ know you, Tokiya.”

Tokiya would quiet down.

“I’ll be watchin’ you.” Ranmaru warns. 

Ren would smile. “I wouldn’t expect anything less.”

“How do you know so much about me, Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is very quiet. 

Ren’s smile would falter, his face turning serious. “They have quite a lot of information on you, Tokiya. I know as much as I’d likely know if I really were in an established relationship with you.”

Ranmaru would click his tongue, looking at Tokiya. “I wish you would’a told me what kind of things you were gettin’ into, Toki.”

Tokiya’s face would go red, but it’s not solely out of embarrassment. He’s defensive- even though he isn’t sure that he deserves to be. “I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you I was so desperate for a boyfriend I had to look online. I wasn’t aware you were so invested in my love life.” That line would hurt Tokiya, but his jaw would tighten and he’d look away from Ranmaru after his outburst. 

He’d feel a hand land on his shoulder, Ren’s- comforting him. Tokiya wasn’t used to that at all. Well… maybe that wasn’t true. Ranmaru tried his best to help Tokiya, when he saw that Tokiya was upset. Ranmaru’s eyes would narrow. “Don’t know what I expected.” There’s a harshness in his voice. “Since you don’t think I give a shit about you.”

“But do you?” Tokiya’s voice is too quiet to be sharp. 

“How could you ask me that?” Ranmaru’s voice is openly hurt. “Why are you tryin’ so hard to make yourself miserable, Tokiya?”

“Because I have been miserable for most of my life.” Tokiya would snap. “I’m not saying that _you_ make me miserable, but having one good thing in my life isn’t nearly enough to cancel out everything else. I don’t- I don’t want to be in this conversation anymore.” Tokiya would stand, brushing off Ren’s hand and heading into his room, closing the door and locking it. 

It would be some time later when Tokiya would finally leave his room, and Ren is the only one that would remain. 

Ren would give him an unreadable look- but rather than addressing it, Ren would give a soft, sad smile to Tokiya. “Are you alright?”

“I’m not.” Tokiya would lean against the wall, letting his head lean against the wall. Ren would stand. 

“Can I try to make you feel better?” There’s a genuine tone to Ren’s voice.

Tokiya realizes that Ren could have been lying, this entire time. Ren could be in on it, or trying to kill him. But Ren was right. 

There was danger- but Tokiya didn’t care. 

Tokiya would watch Ren with tired eyes, but he’d nod. 

Ren’s hand lands on Tokiya’s cheek, and Tokiya finds himself leaning into Ren’s warm touch. His hand is soft. Ren’s fingers would brush over Tokiya’s cheekbone, and would move from his cheek, brushing through Tokiya’s bangs, slowly moving to pet through Tokiya’s hair. Tokiya’s face would have calmed, closing his eyes. Ren doesn’t go further, and it all feels so strange to Tokiya. 

This must be some terrible dream- Ren wasn’t the worst part of it, but Ren came at the cost of Tokiya feeling unsafe, and Ranmaru hating him. 

That thought would make Tokiya start to cry, and Ren’s hand would move from Tokiya’s hair, his other hand coming up to cradle Tokiya’s face. “What’s wrong?”

“Ran’s going to hate me.” Tokiya would cry harder. “I didn’t mean to make him hate me I just couldn’t tell him-”

“Couldn’t tell him what, Toki?” Ren’s voice is very soft.

“I love him.” Tokiya would whimper. “I’m sorry. That’s not… right. None of this is right- but... “

Ren’s face would soften. “I… would like to lay some things out for you.” Ren’s thumbs would brush over Tokiya’s cheeks. “Are you willing to listen?”

Tokiya’s head tilts, just slightly, in an affirmative- unable to fully nod. 

“I can’t leave you. I’m afraid that it’s too late for that- and it’s not as easy as me just leaving. But I think that you should go tell Ranmaru exactly how you feel about him. I… could see the way that he looked at you, Toki, and I can’t imagine that it wouldn’t go well.”

“I don’t know how I could. You’re… contradicting yourself. We’re… together now, no matter what. How could I be with Ranmaru?”

“We could stage a type of open relationship, should he not be against that. I don’t have to necessarily be in it- at least not at first. Especially not at first. And we can let it play out. Maybe nothing ever happens, or maybe we figure something out.”

“That doesn’t sound fair to you.”

“If I weren’t comfortable with this- I wouldn’t have brought it up. I really do want you happy, Toki.”

Tokiya’s eyes would soften. 

“Tell him.” Ren would urge. “Call him over or go over there. But you should tell him.”

Tokiya would go over to Ranmaru’s- though it’s freezing. He wouldn’t have brought a jacket- because there are too many conflicting feelings. Tokiya wants Ranmaru. Tokiya had wanted Ranmaru. There were already tears trailing down Tokiya’s face. If Ren had known how cold it was, he’d likely have sent Tokiya out with a coat.

Ranmaru lived near Tokiya, but not incredibly close. Tokiya would notice it begin to rain. How fitting. By the time he gets to Ranmaru’s, he’s cold, shaking, and soaking wet. He looks like a drowned cat. 

Ranmaru isn’t home. Tokiya would slide down the railing near the door, sitting down and waiting. He couldn’t bring himself to go back. 

Ranmaru would come back to Tokiya sitting on the stairs of his porch, still getting hit by the rain. Ranmaru’s eyes would narrow, and he’d grab Tokiya by the upper arm, snapping Tokiya’s attention to him, and he’d lift Tokiya to his feet, his grip not anywhere near as tight as his face would suggest that it might be. 

“What the hell are you doin’? You’re gonna get yourself sick.” Ranmaru would grumble. 

Tokiya hadn’t completely stopped crying, but it wasn’t nearly as obvious before, though that changes when he speaks. “Cold can’t give you a cold.”

Ranmaru would click his tongue, but his eyes are now searching Tokiya’s face with a look of concern as he unlocks his door. His voice is gruff. “You’re sittin’ in freezin’ fucking cold weather soaked to the bone. You’re gonna get sick.”

“I need to talk to you.” Tokiya’s voice is shaky. 

“You can talk as soon as we get you in some dry clothes. That comes first.”

Ranmaru has been leading Tokiya into Ranmaru’s room, and Tokiya would break down crying again, which would actually stop Ranmaru. “‘S it that important?”

“I should tell you now.” Tokiya says weakly. Ranmaru would begrudgingly still completely, and would give his full attention to Tokiya. “I’m sorry, Ran.” His voice is almost a whimper. This isn’t how he wanted to admit his feelings, but it’s the only way he could bring himself to do it _now_. And if he didn’t do it now, he may never do it. Was Ren sure that this was a good idea? He wasn’t so sure. “I shouldn’t have fought you earlier- I…” Tokiya would wipe harshly at his eyes. There’s a very clear vulnerability on his face, and he thinks he’s shaking. “I like you, Ran. I’ve liked you since high school- and I was terrified that you wouldn’t like me back, and that’s why I even went on the online site in the first place, because I thought if I could have someone that I could get over you- and I didn’t want to tell you because I couldn’t handle losing you if you didn’t feel the same- or if you don’t.” Tokiya manages to keep his eyes on Ranmaru’s face the entire time. But as soon as he finishes speaking, he looks away. 

“I’m not your perfect match.” Ranmaru would say, almost a bit flatly, which would get Tokiya to look back at his face, surprised. “If you were lookin’ for someone, and you liked me- why was your ideal partner nothin’ like me?”

“Because I like you because you’re _you_, Ran. I could have perfectly described you- but if it wasn’t you, it wouldn’t have been the same.”

Ranmaru’s eyes would soften. He’d pull Tokiya closer, into a hug, even though Tokiya was still soaked. “I wish ya would’a just _told_ me y’liked me. Before you got yourself in all this trouble. ...But I can’t give you any sorta answer until you tell me what’s goin’ on with Ren.”

“He was the one that encouraged me to tell you how I feel.” Tokiya would admit. “He told me that he couldn’t necessarily leave me alone- but he did offer a type of… open relationship. He offered to… keep out of it, until we all figured out what we wanted. I… he did insist. I’m still… really torn. I feel… bad. I feel pretty bad about my involvement, and about how terrible I’m handling everything and everyone. I’m sorry.”

Ranmaru would get quiet for a second, watching Tokiya’s face. “...Alright.” Tokiya would blink, his breath catching. “I’ll try it.”

“Are you-” 

“Yes, Toki, I’m tellin’ you that I like you, too. ‘ave liked you.”

Tokiya would begin to cry again, despite his best efforts, but these tears are happier. 

“But that doesn’t change the fact that now we’re both wet, and you’re definitely gonna get sick. Let’s change.”

Tokiya didn’t have any clothes of his own at Ranmaru’s house, so he’d end up being given Ranmaru’s clothes to change into. Tokiya couldn’t find it in himself to complain, even if he wanted to.

Ranmaru would have gotten changed into dryer clothes, too. Tokiya wondered how much their relationship really would even change. Ranmaru hadn’t hesitated to lend Tokiya clothes, they hadn’t even left the room to change. They’ve slept in the same bed before, albeit back to back- but they knew each other well. It wasn’t even a question of if Tokiya would stay the night or not- 

Although, with how hard it was pouring down rain, it wasn’t likely that Ranmaru would have let him walk back home anyways. 

“I do wanna make it real clear, Toki-” Ranmaru’s voice is gruffer. Serious. “That I do care about you. And that I’m also gonna be figuring out how you’re not takin’ care of yourself and how we’re gonna fix that.”

Tokiya’s face would soften, even if he can’t quite meet Ranmaru’s eyes- but he’d move. He’d wrap his arms tightly around Ranmaru, trying to hold him tightly. 

“...Do I wanna know what you’re thinking?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then tell me.”

“I want to enjoy this. Before you change your mind.”

Ranmaru would get quiet. He’s still, but he hasn’t moved, letting Tokiya hold onto him. And then he'd click his tongue. "That was one 'a your complaints about yourself. Tryin' too often 't look into the future. Don't."

Tokiya would give a weak, humorless laugh. "If only it were that easy."

"Have you _tried?_"

Tokiya would get quite. 

"'M not askin' you to do this alone, Toki. I do wish you didn't feel like you needed to wait for a partner to let someone help you- but that's what I'm tryin' to offer. Help."

"You _do_ like me, right? Genuinely? You aren't just pretending to like me because you didn't like my answers, and you think this is the only way you can help?"

"Apparently it is the only way I can help." Ranmaru would grumble, but he'd sigh. "You're doin' it again. Makin' yourself miserable. Think about me, and what you know about me, Toki. We've been friends for years. Do I really seem like the type to _pretend_ to like someone? Even well meanin'- I'm not stupid. Either you end up figurin' it out and I mess you up more, or I keep up an act and I'm not happy. And 'm sure you know more than most that most people just wanna be happy. I do too. Besides." Ranmaru's voice changes a bit, it's almost… solemn. "I still don't know how much I trust Ren, but he sounded genuine when he was talkin' yesterday. Least 'bout you. I'm… inclined 't believe that he really would try to help you. Which means that if I were fakin' to help you- I'd really only help in messin' you up worse." 

Tokiya would stay quiet for a moment as he'd take in Ranmaru's words. He still hadn't let go of Ranmaru, though Ranmaru's arms had loosely wrapped around him, too. "Thank you." Tokiya's voice is soft. "I- really needed to hear that. Thank you."

The next day, they would go back to Tokiya's apartment, where Ren would be. Tokiya is immediately apologetic, but he hardly gets anything out when Ren's eyebrows would furrow. He'd get closer to Tokiya, frowning. "You're pale."

"'S what happens when you sit in the freezing cold rain." Ranmaru's voice is scolding, and he'd click his tongue. "Speakin' a which- why wouldn't you sit under the porch? Or go inside? Y'know where my key is." Tokiya's face is a light red. 

"I was distracted." Tokiya would mumble. His throat was sore, and his nose was already getting a bit stuffed up. He may have had a fever- but he wasn't sure on that one. 

"Doesn't matter. Go lay down." Ranmaru would poke Tokiya, pressing between his shoulder blades to get him to move towards his bedroom. "Was gonna keep 'im at my place, but he doesn't know your phone number and he thought you might get worried." Ranmaru would 'tsk', shaking his head a bit. 

Tokiya felt either like a child, being talked over by divorced parents- or a character in a teen's romance novel. Actually, this was exactly like a romance novel. Tokiya wasn't sure how he felt about that. He must have frozen, looking over at them, for a bit too long because he'd hear an "Oi." And his face would go a bit red, mumbling some sort of 'I'm on my way' under his breath as he retreats. 

Ren would go to check on him shortly after he had gotten under the covers. He was still wearing Ranmaru's clothes from last night, so at least he wouldn't need to change. Ren's hand would reach out, resting on his forehead, and Ren's frown would return. "You're burning up. I noticed it had started raining last night, but I had hoped you wouldn't stay out in it."

"I don't feel _that_ bad." Tokiya would mumble, and Ren would sigh. 

"I find that hard to believe. You look miserable." 

Despite the fact that Tokiya was too warm, Ren's own warmth still felt nice. Tokiya had slept the night before, but he found himself falling asleep, the weight of Ren’s hand comforting. When Ren moves his hand, Tokiya’s eyes open. “It’s not that bad.” Tokiya would repeat, though a bit feebly. 

Ren would give an almost sad smile, but it’s obvious how much he doesn’t believe Tokiya. He’d move again, his hand pressing against Tokiya’s cheek, and it doesn’t take long for Tokiya’s face to relax. Tokiya’s eyes would close, so he doesn’t see Ranmaru enter the room until he speaks. It sounds like he’s near the door. “How’s he holdin’ up?”

“According to him, he’s fine.” Ren’s voice is almost a bit exasperated. “But he’s burning up, and I think he’s falling asleep.” Tokiya would make a noise, mostly to show that he’s still asleep- but the noise does still sound sleepy, which doesn’t help his case. He can almost hear Ranmaru’s eyes rolling. “Would you mind getting me a damp cloth? I think it may help.”

Ranmaru would grunt an affirmative, and he’d leave the room. Tokiya would open his eyes, admittedly surprised at how easily Ranmaru was going along with it. Sometimes it was hard to get Ranmaru to listen to _Tokiya_, so Ren giving Ranmaru an order and to have Ranmaru just follow it would really surprise him. 

Tokiya thinks he understands better when Ranmaru comes back in and there’s an undeniably concerned expression on his face. He seems to be trying to hide it, but Tokiya can read Ranmaru well when he lets himself. “Would you like to sit with him for a moment?” Ren would offer. His hand had moved from Tokiya’s cheek, rubbing over Tokiya’s chest, near his shoulder. Tokiya was definitely on the verge of falling asleep. 

“I’m not a child. You don’t have to hover over me.” Tokiya would mumble, his face a bit red. 

“For someone who wants people to care for him, y’sure make it difficult.” Ranmaru would grumble. Tokiya’s eyes are still closed, but Ranmaru’s voice is nearing the bed. “Yeah. I’ll take over.” Ren’s hand would remove itself from Tokiya, and the pressure on the bed would lighten as Ren stands, before Ranmaru would sit on the bed. 

“I wanted it in theory.” Tokiya wouldn’t open his eyes. “In reality, I feel bad about it. Because shouldn’t you be at work?” He’d finally open his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“Tokiya, if I didn’t wanna take care of you, I wouldn’t. Why feel bad about somethin’ I’m not forcing myself to do?”

“That didn’t answer my question.”

“I took off. I hardly ever don’t go in. One day won’t kill me.” Ranmaru would move the cloth onto Tokiya’s forehead, and Tokiya can’t help the soft sigh. The cool cloth felt wonderful. Tokiya’s face must have shown it, because Ranmaru would click his tongue softly, though he wouldn’t have made a comment about it. “Y’know. If you would’a ever told me about how you were doin’ before your confession, I still would’a come over ‘t watch over you.”

Tokiya would have given Ranmaru a look, quite a few emotions in his eyes. He’d lift his hand, and Ranmaru would notice, taking it, and Tokiya would hold onto it tightly. He’d close his eyes, pressing Ranmaru’s hand to his cheek. Ranmaru would get the point, and when Tokiya’s hand drops to his side again, Ranmaru’s hand would stay on Tokiya’s cheek, his fingers brushing over Tokiya’s cheek. 

Ranmaru stays close until Tokiya manages to fall asleep- and then some. Because Ranmaru and Ren would have spoken when they had clearly thought that Tokiya was asleep, though he had caught onto the entire conversation. 

“So why’s there all this stuff you can’t tell us?”

“Because the people in charge of this program would care about it. And… I didn’t want to mention this part in front of Tokiya- the threats behind certain information or acting certain ways are all directed towards _him_. I didn’t want to scare him, but anything I’m withholding is for his sake and protection.”

“They’re _threatening_ him?” Ranmaru sounds pissed. 

“They are.”

“I don’t get it. I don’t want his safety compromised- but why do _you_ care about what happens to him?”

Ren’s voice is softer. It’s almost withdrawn. “The way they had… prepared me, for taking on this… I-” He’d seem to get choked up. He’d pause for a long moment, and his voice would drop. “I couldn’t ever tell him this, but the way they… train the matches? It’s… horrible. I guess… the easiest way is to use myself as the example. They virtually put me in a room with the information and videos they had collected on Tokiya, and surrounded me with nothing but that. They’d tell stories- give situations. Terrible situations, horrific things, showing me videos of things that they were supposingly _going_ to put Tokiya through, using physical pain, so I would associate the idea of Tokiya in pain with my own pain. And then, they’d show me real videos, actual footage they’d collected of Tokiya and they’d give me painkillers and the like- so I’d associate him with relief from the pain. It was brainwashing.”

“How the fuck did you get into this?” Ranmaru’s voice is genuinely horrified. 

“I’ve been with them from childhood. I was taught to _not_ have a personality so that they could later force me to have a different one.” Tokiya can almost hear Ren’s sad smile. 

Tokiya feels horrible. 

Ren continues speaking. “I can’t say that the reason I care for Tokiya is necessarily _right_, but please believe me when I say that I do care for Tokiya. The thought of something happening to him…” Ren’s voice almost breaks, but he’d collect himself. “Seeing him happy with you makes me happy. If, between the two of you, it is decided that you’re not… comfortable, with me, I’m… unable to leave. Partly because of where I’m from, and partly from selfishness. I’d rather be with Tokiya as pure support than to leave. But I will step aside if that’s what I need to do to stay.”

“...If he doesn’t mind, I don’t mind.” Ranmaru would say quietly. “And I don’t think he’s gonna. You’ve been here a day and I don’t think I’ve ever seen his defences so low. Even sick- watchin’ him just let you touch him was… weird. Took me half a year before he’d stop tensing if I’d tap his shoulder.”

“Thank you, Ranmaru. I do hope that we can get along, as well.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru would pause, and his voice is almost a mutter. “I hope so too.”

When they would have gotten quiet, Tokiya would have really thought about everything in the conversation. Ren was hurt because of Tokiya. 

Tokiya had helped ruin Ren. There was no way that _couldn’t_ affect a person- Tokiya would begin to cry. He may have been quiet about it, and the change of his breathing may have even gone unnoticed- but the tears that have found their way onto his cheeks would have stopped at Ranmaru’s hand. 

“You’re still awake.” Ranmaru would mumble, his voice almost somber.

Tokiya would have opened his eyes, and Ranmaru’s already present frown would deepen when he sees the emotions in Tokiya’s eyes. 

“Oh, Toki- I’m sorry.” Ren would apologize, and a glance at his face would show that he’s horrified. That would make Tokiya sit up, and even Ranmaru wouldn’t stop him. Ren, however, would walk nearer, “Don’t strain yourself.” 

Ranmaru would have caught the cloth that had fallen from Tokiya’s forehead, but he’d have stood, too, stepping back. Tokiya would have grabbed onto Ren’s forearm. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry that you went through that and I’m incredibly sorry that it was because of me.”

“It wasn’t because of you, Tokiya. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you- because you don’t deserve to feel responsible. There had been some information I think you did overlook- but I promise you that nowhere on the website did it suggest anything that they actually do. I haven’t known you long, but I absolutely believe that had you known, you wouldn’t have wanted this.” Ren would have put the hand that Tokiya wasn’t holding onto on Tokiya’s shoulder, to lower him back to the bed. Tokiya would hesitantly go, and Ren would take the cloth from Ranmaru, beginning to press it against Tokiya’s neck, an almost tender expression on his face. “I’m not holding any of this against you, Toki. Please don’t blame yourself. For me.”

Tokiya’s face looks almost pained, and Ren gives a sad smile. 

“I hate to say it-” Ren says quietly. “But it was unavoidable. If I weren’t paired with you, it would have been someone else. And as much as I wish you hadn’t put yourself in danger by doing this, I certainly don’t mind matching with you.” Something crosses Ren’s face- longing? But he settles with resting the cloth back on Tokiya’s forehead to place his now cooler hand against Tokiya’s cheek. “You look exhausted.” Ren would mumble, his fingers stroking Tokiya’s cheek, ghosting over it. “You should rest. We’ll be sure to keep it down.” Tokiya can’t help but close his eyes, but his hand still hasn’t released Ren’s arm. 

He’d get quiet, but there’s a look on his face that shows that he’s not quite falling asleep. His voice is very quiet when he speaks. “Am I being selfish? ...Trying to have you both?”

They’d both get quiet, and Tokiya’s chest would constrict with guilt. He’d feel Ren’s hand, smoothing out the pained expression on Tokiya’s face. “I don’t think so.” Ren would finally say. 

“Think ya could’a gone about it a ‘lil differently.” Ranmaru would mutter, and then he’d sigh. “We’ve just gotta see how this plays out, Toki.”

Ranmaru’s answer wasn’t necessarily a yes or no- but Tokiya knew it was his honest answer. Tokiya would get silent, but the feeling wouldn’t leave. 

Ranmaru would speak after a second again, and his voice is almost softer. “I don’t think there’s anythin’ wrong with wanting love, Tokiya. I just think you gave up before you really tried. ‘M not sayin’ it was a bad thing that you met Ren- but I think you caused yourself a lotta unnecessary issues.”

Ranmaru was right. Tokiya could feel his eyes burn but he wouldn’t speak. The hand he’d feel on his head is heavier, he can tell immediately that it’s Ranmaru. 

“Look.” Ranmaru would grunt. “It is what it is. Everything’s done, and we’re just gonna go ahead and take this as it comes, alright? No point in stressing yourself out about it _now_.”

“Alright.” 

“Now try to get some rest.” Ren would say, and while Ranmaru’s hand would ruffle Tokiya’s hair before he’d pull it back, Ren’s hand wouldn’t move- not that Ren could really move, anyways, considering Tokiya was still holding onto his arm. 

Tokiya would finally let himself fall asleep- and the only noise he’d hear would be humming. Tokiya would quickly realize that it’s Ren, and he can’t help the small, soft, tired smile, but it would drop quickly when the exhaustion would take over.

The longer the relationship progressed, all of them, the easier it would seem to get. It was painfully clear that Ren was incredibly charming- and Tokiya wasn’t the only one affected. 

Of course, Tokiya was the first down, though. Ren was meant to be _his_ perfect partner after all. 

But Ranmaru would have actually fallen pretty fast for him, too. A lot of his beginning feelings had actually come from just watching Ren interact with Tokiya- despite the reason Ren had fallen for Tokiya, the soft, caring look in Ren’s eyes seemed real when he’d gaze at Tokiya, and it’d start to soften Ranmaru’s opinion on Ren further. 

And Ren was just a naturally caring person. And perceptive. Maybe a little too perceptive. Tokiya would have been reading, and Ranmaru would have been at the entryway to the living room when Ren would have approached behind him, silently. The expression on Ranmaru’s face is serious, perhaps a bit somber. 

“What’s wrong?” Ren would have asked, his voice almost gentle. “What’s that expression for?” He’s not loud enough for Tokiya to hear, but even with the quiet tone Ranmaru would still start. Ren would give an apologetic smile, “Didn’t mean to startle you.”

Ranmaru would make a noise, and he’d look back at Tokiya for a long moment, and he’d click his tongue. “Just… he isn’t that bad, but I’m not stupid. He’s doin’ better, now that there are people around ‘im all the time, but I can’t really stop thinkin’ about how much I was probably missing.” He’d frown. His expression is clearly displeased, but his eyes are the only thing that really show how much the idea upsets him. His voice would drop lower, and his expression would soften. Sadden. “I was supposed ‘t look out for ‘im. I guess I wasn’t doing a very good job.”

Ren’s hand would rest lightly on Ranmaru’s shoulder, and Ren’s expression is serious. “The important part is how he’s doing now. It’s… difficult. Trying to help someone that doesn’t have the proper want to help themselves. And it’s impossible to do anything when he doesn’t let you know. But rather than focus on what you haven’t done, try to focus on what you can.” Ren would actually nudge Ranmaru’s shoulder lightly. “You should go sit by him. If you’re worried over him, just try asking.”

Ranmaru would stare at Ren for a long moment, but when Ren would give him an encouraging smile, Ranmaru’s eyes would soften, but he’d glance away from Ren, heading to Tokiya. Ren would lean in the spot Ranmaru had just been as Ranmaru approaches Tokiya, and Ren watches as Ranmaru speaks to him, settling down on the couch. Tokiya would have curled into Ranmaru’s side, his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder, and Ren would watch their quiet discussion for a moment. Ranmaru and Ren’s eyes would meet, just for a second, and quite a few emotions would have passed over Ranmaru’s face. 

Ren was careful to watch over both of them, making sure that neither of them worked too hard, and made sure they were eating regularly and healthily. Tokiya would have approached him, his expression grateful, and Ren would look over, shooting him a smile. 

“What’s up?” He’d turn his attention to Tokiya, lowering his hand, still holding a dart. Ren had been exploring hobbies- after all, he’d never really had much time to discover what he liked. 

It turned out, he also really enjoyed photography. He had learned that from a job offer that he had taken, to get himself out of the house- and the hours were perfect, because they were the same as Tokiya’s. They often got home at about the same time and Ren got to see Tokiya eat breakfast before they left.

Ranmaru worked a slightly different shift, going in about two hours later and coming back two hours late- but for the past few months Ranmaru had been staying with Tokiya and Ren in Tokiya’s apartment. 

Tokiya would give a genuine, if a bit sheepish smile, “I wanted to thank you. I- know you and Ranmaru have begun to get along better, but you’ve been looking after him.” Tokiya would frown, but it’s only for a second before it’s gone. “Better than even I’m able to. I appreciate it. I just... “ Ren would notice Ranmaru, who had been down for a nap. He seems to have already been there for a moment, but Ren’s glance away from Tokiya doesn’t catch Tokiya’s attention, and Ren doesn’t stop Tokiya. “Want him to be happy. And you’re helping make sure he’s okay, and I’m… incredibly grateful, I suppose.” 

Ren would give a soft smile, but Ranmaru had started forward. Tokiya’s hand would have flew over his heart, his eyes widening when Ranmaru would have set his hands on Tokiya’s waist from behind, and then his face would have burned red, traveling to the tips of his ears. “Jesus, Ran. You terrified me. How… much did you hear?”

“All of it, ‘m pretty sure.” Ranmaru sounds tired. “Ren’s not doin’ all the work. Give yourself more credit.” Ranmaru’s hands would wrap more firmly around Tokiya’s waist, but he would glance up at Ren. “Not that you haven’t been helpful, I guess.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. “Thanks.”

Ren would smile. “It’s my pleasure.” Ren would let Ranmaru handle Tokiya. 

“Turn around.” Ranmaru’s hands would loosen around Tokiya, and Tokiya would, but his face is red. Ranmaru’s hand would move, taking Tokiya’s chin in between his thumb and index finger and he’d give Tokiya a firm look. “You’re doin’ fine, Toki. If I wasn’t happy with how you were treatin’ me in the relationship, I’d ‘ve told you, alright?”

“I wasn’t trying to say that I was doing poorly, necessarily.” Tokiya would frown, but he’s not quite meeting Ranmaru’s eyes. “I just… wanted to tell Ren that I thought he was doing well.” 

Ranmaru would sigh, but he’d let go of Tokiya’s chin to ruffle Tokiya’s hair. “I appreciate him.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruffer again. “But I appreciate you, too, y’know.”

Tokiya would smile. He’d finally meet Ranmaru’s eyes, and Ranmaru would flash Tokiya a half smile that would get Tokiya’s heart beating faster. Tokiya’s hand would reach out, to grab Ranmaru’s forearm and squeeze tightly. “Thank you.”

And then, Tokiya would have gotten the letter at his work. The letter itself would be addressed with the label of ‘Perfect Partner’, but Tokiya is almost shaking before he even opens it. 

Tokiya knew what they were capable of, from Ren’s stories, and he had no reason to doubt Ren. Tokiya had seen Ren upset, only once or twice, but it had been enough to make Tokiya feel like Ren was being genuine, at least most of the time. He wasn’t _entirely_ perfect- and while Tokiya realizes that still is what he asked for, it’s only too easy to believe Ren. Even Ranmaru had seemed to lose his distrust of Ren. But even with Tokiya’s knowledge that the company knew far too much information about him already- getting a letter at his _work_ was almost too much for Tokiya. 

And because he was also with Ranmaru- he was scared. 

The note would be fairly simple. 

“We have noticed you surrounding yourself often with company that is not your partner- 

Is your partner sufficient? Please state any problems or issues you see with your partner and we will adjust accordingly.”

Adjust accordingly? Tokiya would feel sick. He wasn’t sure what they meant, and he was worried that the letter meant they knew that he knew more than he should. He’d fold up the letter- but he couldn’t stay at his job. It wouldn’t be until he had arrived home, hours earlier than he should have- and noticed the letter on his doorstep - that he would have realized that he was more unsafe at home. 

He’d take the letter, almost crying, but he’d open it with shaky hands once he was inside. It was a letter- this one with room for him to write on. It would ask him of his opinion on his partner. 

His hands would shake wildly as he’d fill it out, but of course he write that he was beyond happy with Ren and that he couldn’t ask for anything more from a partner. That Ren was exactly what he was looking for and that their relationship was proceeding more than smoothly. 

He was ensuring that they knew that Ren was doing a great job, because he didn’t want them to adjust Ren accordingly. And, to be fair, Ren _was_ doing a great job anyways- as strange as that felt to say of a partner. 

He, Ren and Ranmaru slept in the same bed. At first Tokiya had slept in the middle, because at first Tokiya really was the main connection between the two- but now, sometimes Ren would actually sleep in the middle. Tokiya would walk into Ren, curled into Ranmaru’s side. The casualness of it would make Tokiya smile. They truly had started to care for each other, and Tokiya believed that it ran deeper than them trying to make Tokiya happy. Ren certainly hadn’t stepped to the side in either relationship, and even between the three of them, the relationship didn’t necessarily feel _open_, because it did feel exclusive to the three of them, and Tokiya liked that.

Tokiya would seal the letter, and he’d receive a text. 

“Did you finish your feedback?” 

It’s from the number that had texted him about Ren. Tokiya would hesitantly respond with a simple, “Yes.”

“We will send someone shortly to collect your answer.”

_Send someone?_

Tokiya’s lip would tremble. He considers calling Ren, or Ranmaru- but what would that do? They’re still going to come to the house. And it might be safer for them not to be here. 

It would only be a half an hour later when he’d hear a knock on the door. Tokiya had simply been sitting on the couch, dwelling in his negative thoughts and his fear. He’d robotically stand, holding the letter, and he’d walk towards the door. He suddenly worries if he’s being watched. They seemed to know as soon as he was done. 

He’d open the door, and while it seems like a mailman, it’s a uniform Tokiya has never seen before. Tokiya says nothing as he hands over the letter- 

“They’ll be watching. You have a good day.” The man would tip his hat, taking the letter and leaving. Tokiya can hold the tears in until he closes the door, and then he’d burst into sobs, his entire body shaking. 

Tokiya didn’t feel safe. He especially didn’t feel safe here- which made him sad. Even his own home made him afraid. 

He’d call Ranmaru, and his voice is still clearly upset. It’s unsteady. 

“Toki? What’s goin’ on?”

“Ran, do you still have your old home?”

“Yeah. I got it all paid off and never got around ‘t sellin’ it. Why? What’s happening?”

“I just… meet me there when you’re off of work, okay? I’m going to stay there for now.”

“Tokiya, will y’answer me? What’s going on?” Ranmaru sounds serious. 

“It’s just… a long story. Everything’s okay, I think, I just… I’ll tell you everything later.”

“‘M gonna meet you there now.”

“...Just be careful- I… shit.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whimper, and it would really put Ranmaru on edge. 

“What?” 

“I can’t… I can’t leave yet. Ren- and I…” Tokiya’s voice drops. “I don’t feel comfortable sending him the location over the phone. I don’t want to say it aloud.”

“...You get to the apartment. I’ll make sure ‘t intercept Ren before he gets home, alright?”

“...Okay.” Tokiya doesn’t even grab anything, already making his way to the door. “Are… you still coming to your apartment first?”

“Yeah, Toki. Don’t worry. I am.” There _was_ still at least two hours before Tokiya was supposed to get off. “...Will you take a car or somethin’? I know it’s not far, but I’m not really sure how much I trust you walkin’ while I don’t know what’s goin’ on.”

“I don’t think I feel comfortable right now doing that.” Tokiya would say quietly. 

“...D’ya think you could wait like, five minutes at the house then? I can stop there first.”

“...I think I can do that.” Tokiya isn’t sure that he wants to, but Ranmaru’s got Tokiya paranoid now, too. 

“Then just stay there and stay safe, alright?”

“I will. I- maybe I should call Ren now. I hate to get you both off of work-”

“If it’s serious, Toki, then call ‘im. Might be easier, anyways.”

“Okay.” Tokiya would swallow hard. “Thank you, Ran.”

“‘Course.”

Tokiya would end the call with Ranmaru, only because he needed to call Ren. Ren would pick up after a few rings.

“Toki? Is everything okay?”

Was it really that strange for him to call? Tokiya supposed that this time it didn’t matter. “Will you come home?” Tokiya voice is almost shaking. It really hadn’t steadied much while he was talking to Ranmaru.

“What’s going on, honey?” Ren’s voice is still calm, but Tokiya can hear the edge. 

“We’re… Ran and I are going to his apartment and I don’t want you to go inside ours… I… if you can’t leave early we can meet you but-”

“That’s alright, I can leave. Will you tell me what happened?”

“I can tell you everything when we get to his home- I can’t… I promise I’ll tell you.”

“Okay.” Ren would relent, his voice gentle. “I’m on my now, let me just let my boss know and I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, Ren.”

“Of course, baby. I’ll be right there.”

Ranmaru would have been there first, and he’d have walked closer, setting his hand on Tokiya’s cheek and would assess Tokiya, looking him over to make sure he was alright. Tokiya’s still not entirely done crying, and his shaking hasn’t stopped. 

He wasn’t used to feeling like he was in _danger_. Tokiya wondered if he were overreacting- but he really was terrified. 

“I’m okay.” He’d promise quietly, giving a small smile that wouldn’t quite stay in place. Ranmaru’s look would get Tokiya to rephrase. “I’m physically fine.” Ranmaru seemed to believe that one. “Ren’s coming.”

Ranmaru would nod. “We’ll wait then. ‘S there a reason you’re waiting outside?” Ranmaru would frown, and he’d glance at the door, his face hardening. “Is there someone in there?”

“No, no- there isn’t. I just… feel better out here.” Tokiya was only out on the doorstep. Maybe it wasn’t much better, but he could run to neighbors if it got to it. At least he wouldn’t be stuck inside alone.

“Then we can wait out here.” Ranmaru would lean against the wall of the house, watching Tokiya carefully. Tokiya isn’t quiet meeting his eyes, but it would only be about a moment later when a car would pull up and Ren would get out, only half-heartedly thanking the driver before rushing over to Tokiya. 

Ren would take Tokiya’s face in both of his hands, cradling it, and he’d do the same process that Ranmaru had, looking over Tokiya to make sure that he was okay. Tokiya’s hands would rest over Ren’s. “I’m not hurt.” He’d reassure Ren quietly. “But we should get out of here.” Ren would nod, but he doesn’t quite let go of Tokiya, grabbing his hand tightly, his free hand holding onto Tokiya’s arm. 

Ranmaru would lead the way, but Tokiya is clearly paranoid. It’s quiet, up until the point where Ranmaru is unlocking his apartment and they’re all inside. Ren would move Tokiya, wrapping his arms around him, but he’d let go of Tokiya so that Ranmaru could take his place, Ranmaru’s grip much more protective than Ren’s. “What’s going on, Tokiya?”

“They know where I live. The company- the one that-” Tokiya’s throat would constrict, his lip trembling, but he’d try to swallow, and continue. “Hurt Ren.” His voice is so soft. “I got a letter at work- they were asking if I was dissatisfied with Ren, and I left early and they wanted… feedback. To see if they needed to ‘adjust’.” Tokiya sounds disgusted at the word. “And then they sent someone- a live person to take the feedback letter. The man mentioned that they were watching, and they had texted me as soon as I finished- just…” Tokiya would bury his head into Ranmaru’s shoulder, the shaking returning anew. “I’m scared.” He’d whimper. “I’m scared because I don’t want them to hurt either of you, or try to take Ren, or get me or-”

Ranmaru had stiffened as Tokiya spoke, but he’d put his hand against the back of Tokiya’s head, pressing his head against his shoulder, his other arm comforting rubbing up and down Tokiya’s back as Tokiya would break off into a sob. “They’re not gonna fuckin’ touch you. Not you, or Ren, or anyone, Toki. Y’did the right thing- callin’ us and leaving.”

Ren would have stepped up, half pressed against Tokiya’s back. “I’m sorry, baby. Would you feel better if I took some time off and stayed with you?”

“I’ll be okay.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whisper. “I… realized that I messed up. I should have stayed at work and not have gone home, it’s my fault I’m so panicked right now.”

“‘S not. There were other ways you could’a handled it, but you’ve never dealt with anything like this before. I wouldn’t expect you to just know what to do, Toki.”

“Exactly.” Ren would say, bending so that he can lay his head against the back of Tokiya’s shoulder. 

Tokiya would stay quiet, but for a long few minutes he’d just cry. He’d cry until he had exhausted himself. 

“Why don’t we all take tomorrow off?” Ren would suggest gently. “And just spend a day together.”

“I’d like that.” Tokiya would say softly. 

“Why don’t we go lay down for now?” Ranmaru would carefully loosen his grip, and Tokiya would lean back, almost unsteady on his feet. He doesn’t verbally respond, but he follows, though he does hold onto Ranmaru’s arm. 

It turns out that Ranmaru’s bed is actually a bit bigger than Tokiya’s- which does make sense. Ranmaru was just a bit bigger than Tokiya, but he also used his bed a lot more, and when he slept alone, he liked to spread out. Luckily, Ranmaru could sleep anywhere, and in any way- so he didn’t mind sleeping with Tokiya and Ren. There definitely wasn’t room to spread out with three men in one bed. 

Tokiya would be in the middle- but it was actually something he’d have to be convinced into, because Tokiya would have requested it be Ren.

“I’m more afraid for you than I am for me.” Tokiya would admit.

Ren’s face seems pained. “I’m… not sure you should be, Toki.”

“The middle is the safest place. I think you should be in the middle tonight.” Tokiya would have hugged Ren, nuzzling into the crook of Ren’s neck. 

“I think that’s why you should be in the middle, Toki.” Ranmaru would have commented. “You’re obviously freaked. There’s nothin’ wrong with that, but I’d really rather you be between us tonight.”

Tokiya would frown. “I- I’m sorry. Please?”

“Does it really mean that much to you, Toki?” Ren would frown, too. 

“It does.” Tokiya sounds certain, and he’d hear Ranmaru sigh. 

“...Alright.” Ren would relent, albeit hesitantly. 

They’d get ready for bed, though as Tokiya changes shirts, he’d feel hands on his bare waist, and warm lips pressed against the bare skin on the side of his neck. Ranmaru’s hands would slide over Tokiya’s stomach. “Are you actually holding up any better? You’re not shaking.”

“I don’t know.” Tokiya would admit. “I feel… a little safer here. I think I’m still shaken up, but right now I’m a bit… numb.”

Ranmaru would brush his fingers across Tokiya’s stomach, making Tokiya shudder. Ranmaru would hum against Tokiya’s neck, trailing kisses up to the underside of his jaw. Tokiya would let out a shaky breath, and then he’d turn in Ranmaru’s grip to press his lips to Ranmaru’s- his task of getting a shirt entirely forgotten. 

Ranmaru would kiss him back, his hands moving to pull Tokiya closer, and Tokiya would wrap his arms around Ranmaru’s neck. Ranmaru still hadn’t undressed, which left Tokiya in nothing but sweatpants and Ranmaru still in his shirt and jeans. Ranmaru’s hands were warm against Tokiya’s bare skin, and Tokiya found himself pressing against Ranmaru. Ranmaru would pull away from Tokiya, and while Tokiya would move to catch his breath, Ranmaru would move to Tokiya’s neck, kissing down the column of his neck. Tokiya’s head is tilted back, his eyes lidded and his breath almost shaky, his hands holding onto Ranmaru’s shoulders. 

“Are you sure you don’t wanna sleep in the middle, babe?” Ranmaru would mumble against Tokiya’s skin. He’d find a sensitive spot, nipping lightly, causing a soft groan from Tokiya, but Tokiya could find it in himself to give a weak chuckle. 

“Is that your plan? Trying to sweeten me up so I’ll be more suggestive?”

“I really just wanted to get my hands on ya, but I figured I’d try while I’m at it.”

Tokiya would sigh, “I’m sorry. I still want Ren in the middle.”

Tokiya isn’t sure what he expects. Perhaps for Ranmaru to pull away?

Because Ranmaru would relent with trying to convince Tokiya, but he wouldn’t have pulled away from Tokiya, rather, he’d move to Tokiya’s shoulder, and right above his collarbone. Ranmaru’s hands have moved, running up Tokiya’s sides, and Tokiya’s melting under his touch. Tokiya would have lightly squeezed Ranmaru’s shoulders, “Can I kiss you?”

Ranmaru would have moved, and Tokiya wouldn’t have hesitated to lean forward to press his lips to Ranmaru’s once again. It’s passionate, and it warms Tokiya’s chest, because he really can feel Ranmaru’s emotion behind it. Tokiya blushes when he feels Ranmaru’s tongue swipe across his bottom lip, but he doesn’t hesitate to let his lips part. Tokiya supposes this could be a fight for dominance, should he choose to make it one- but it really isn’t, because Tokiya’s completely letting Ranmaru take control of this kiss. Tokiya would make a happy humming sound in the back of his throat. 

Ranmaru would pull back, but not before nipping at Tokiya’s lower lip, and then he’d rest his forehead against Tokiya’s. Tokiya still has his eyes closed, his chest moving with every breath. 

“I want to go further.” Tokiya would admit, his face red. His eyes would open, to stare into Ranmaru’s grey ones. He must have taken out his contact. “But as much as I wish I could tonight, I don’t have the energy for it.”

“We’ve got all day tomorrow if that’s really what you wanna do.” Ranmaru would pull back, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “Just finish gettin’ dressed for now.”

“I- think I might sleep without a shirt tonight.” Ren slept naked. Tokiya would have learned this fairly quickly. At first, Ren would have slept in his underwear, noticing that Tokiya had gotten a bit flustered just by that, but it wouldn’t have taken long for Tokiya to not mind Ren sleeping nude. The first day or two, though, definitely would have gotten Tokiya flustered. When Ranmaru had joined them, Ren had spent a bit longer in his underwear then, but at this point he never wore clothes to sleep. Ranmaru almost never wore shirts to sleep, but Tokiya normally slept fully clothed. 

Ranmaru would raise an eyebrow, but he’d press a quick kiss to Tokiya’s cheek. “Then I’m gonna finish gettin’ ready. You can go lay down.”

Tokiya would, lying on the far edge of Ranmaru’s bed. Ren would have come back into the room, setting a bottle of water on Tokiya’s nightstand, and would have kissed the top of Tokiya’s head before stripping, climbing into the bed just before Ranmaru did. 

Tokiya could tell that Ranmaru wasn’t incredibly fond of how far Tokiya was, unable to comfortably lay a hand on him. The best Ranmaru could do would be to brush his fingers against Tokiya’s bare back, from where he had draped his arm over Ren. 

“Are you sure you want _me_ in the middle, baby?” Ren would ask softly. “We can move. Or Ran can sleep in the middle.”

“I- I would rather one of you be in the middle. I’m… more worried about you, Ren. But if you Ran really want to switch- that isn’t my decision.”

Ren would sigh, but he’d turn, and there wouldn’t even need to be verbal communication for Ranmaru to move, off of the bed, so that he could switch places with Ren. 

Tokiya would turn, and he’d feel his eyes burn again. Ranmaru would pull him close to himself tightly. “Are- are you really that worried about me, Ran?”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru would say, his voice a bit gruff. Ren hasn’t quite gotten back into bed yet- seemingly waiting for something. Tokiya’s lip would tremble, and he’d bury his head in the crook of Ranmaru’s neck. “You really won’t sleep in the middle?”

“I- just want you both to be safe- I… think I’m going to stay on the edge. I’m sorry. I know you aren’t overly fond of the middle.”

“Well, if you really won’t sleep in the middle, I’ll handle it.”

Ranmaru’s arms would have wrapped around him tightly, and Tokiya would notice that Ren’s arm would wrap around Ranmaru’s waist. 

Tokiya is the last to fall asleep, and even when he does, he has nightmares. He isn’t sure exactly what they are, but he wakes up, scared, the only thing sticking with him was the feeling of fear. He’s shaking so hard, and his body convulses with sobs that he isn’t quite letting out that he ends up waking up Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s hand fumbles up to Tokiya’s hair, almost desperately petting through it. 

Ranmaru’s voice is slurred with sleep, but he’s quickly starting to wake up. “Hey, hey- you’re okay.”

Tokiya would whimper, holding onto Ranmaru. His hand reaches over, reaches for Ren, and Ren tiredly catches his hand, pressing a soft kiss to the palm of it. 

Tokiya feels his hand being let go, and Tokiya lets out an almost pathetic sob, unable to hold it in, and the bed shifts as Ren stands. Ranmaru must understand what Ren is doing, because Ranmaru’s arms wrap tighter around Tokiya and begin to pull him closer to the middle of the bed, as Ranmaru pulls himself back further, too. Ren would climb in behind Tokiya, able to properly hold him, and Tokiya would just let himself cry. 

“Was it a bad dream, honey?” Ren would ask, trying to disguise the sleep still in his voice. 

“I think so.” Tokiya says quietly, his voice shaking. His breathing is still coming in gasps, interrupted by hiccups. Ren was pressed against his back, and he was pressed against Ranmaru’s side. 

“We’re all okay.” Ranmaru would mumble, trying to reassure Tokiya. Tokiya feels Ren’s lips, pressed against the back of his head. 

“Guess I’m in the middle after all.” Tokiya would give a weak, almost humorless laugh. 

“This is sorta why I wanted ya here.” Ranmaru mumbled. “But it’s fine. You’re here now, and you’re gonna be alright.”

“No one is going to touch you, baby. Not you, and not Ran and not me, alright? We’re going to be okay.” Ren’s promise is almost muffled by Tokiya’s hair, but Tokiya can make it out fine. 

“Will you kiss me?” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whisper. His hand lies on Ranmaru’s chest. Ren moves, just enough to give Tokiya some room, and Ranmaru lets go of Tokiya to tilt his head up and very softly press his lips to Tokiya’s, despite how much of a mess Tokiya’s face must have been. Ren’s thumb runs up and down Tokiya’s side comfortingly, and Tokiya can’t lie- with both Ren and Ranmaru pressed against him, Tokiya’s glad he didn’t wear a shirt to bed tonight. The warmth and feeling of their skin against his was comforting in itself. 

Ranmaru pulls away just before Tokiya runs out of breath, though with how short Tokiya’s breath already was, it isn’t very long. Or long enough, in Tokiya’s opinion, and he tries to follow Ranmaru- and while Ranmaru does press his lips shortly against Tokiya’s, he keeps this kiss even shorter. 

“I know you probably don’t wanna go back to sleep, but you should try, babe.” Ranmaru would sigh. 

“You’re right. I don’t want to.” Tokiya would mumble, resting his head back against Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

Ren would move closer again, his hand running over Tokiya’s stomach. “We’ll be right here, baby.”

Tokiya would frown, wanting to deny, but Ranmaru would hum. “Ran-” Tokiya would frown. Tokiya knew as well as Ranmaru did that it would work. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t relent, and Tokiya would find himself falling asleep, even though he _really_ didn’t want to. 

He’d manage to avoid having another bad dream. 

When Tokiya wakes up, Ren and Ranmaru are awake but still in the bed. With the way that Tokiya is wrapped around Ranmaru, it doesn’t seem like he could have gotten up even had he wanted to. Tokiya wouldn’t pull back- but Ranmaru’s arms are around Tokiya, too, so it’s not likely that Tokiya could’ve pulled away anyway. 

Tokiya presses a kiss beneath Ranmaru’s collarbone. He’d feel Ren move, but he’d grab Ren’s arm, holding him, and Tokiya would frown and give a sleepy mumble. “I’m not flexible enough to properly hold you both.”

Ren would chuckle, but he’d stop moving. “Alright, alright, I’ll stay.” 

“Good.” Tokiya would take a second to just lie there, content.

“How’re you doin’?” Ranmaru would mumble. 

“I’ll survive.” Tokiya would sigh. “I just… want both of you right now.”

“In what way?” Ranmaru’s voice is almost careful. 

“In any way. But I would like to keep you to your word yesterday.”

“Maybe you should wake up first.” Ren would chuckle- he wasn’t in the room when Ranmaru and Tokiya had spoken about it, but he had clearly caught onto what they were talking about. 

“I’m awake. Watch.” Tokiya would tap Ren’s arms, to get Ren to let go of his waist, and Ren would- and Tokiya would move himself, straddling Ranmaru’s lap-

Ren would push himself up on an elbow to watch, and Ranmaru’s hands would find Tokiya’s waist, his thumbs pressing into Tokiya’s hips. Tokiya’s hands would rest on Ranmaru’s chest, to balance himself, and Ranmaru has a raised eyebrow, but his eyes are dark. 

Tokiya liked this position, having Ranmaru underneath him. 

Tokiya would lean down, pressing his lips to Ranmaru’s almost hungrily. Ranmaru would respond, his hands sliding up Tokiya’s back, and almost on impulse Tokiya’s hips would roll, getting a groan from Ranmaru. Tokiya would pull back, pressing his forehead against Ranmaru’s, the momentary confidence suddenly draining. 

Ranmaru would realize it quickly, and Ren only a few seconds after. There are one too many hands on Tokiya’s back as Ren reaches out, but then one of Ranmaru’s hands would move to Tokiya’s cheek. “What’s goin’ on?” Ranmaru would mumble. 

“I want to do this.” Tokiya says quietly, his voice uncertain. “I’ve never… Ren was my first kiss.” Tokiya blurts out, his face bright red. He tries to lean back, trying to look away, but between the two hands on his back and the one on his cheek, he’s stuck. “I’m extremely unexperienced.”

“You don’t need ‘t worry about that, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds almost disapproving. Tokiya can actually see just a bit of hesitation in Ranmaru’s eyes. “I know you know I’ve had a girlfriend- ‘ve never dated another guy, Tokiya. I’m ‘bout as inexperienced with this as you are.”

“You’re my first, too, baby.” Ren would admit, moving his head to rest it on Tokiya’s shoulder. “My first partner, and my first kiss. I have some knowledge on how to do this- but I’ve never actually done anything.”

“If you wanna keep goin’ Toki, we can. You don’t need to worry about not knowing what you’re doing because I don’t think any of us really do.”

Tokiya would give a weak laugh. 

Ren would smile. “We’re just going to figure this all out together is all.”

“I’ll try.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whisper, but he does sound nervous, still. 

Ranmaru would press forward, kissing Tokiya again, and Ren’s hands would both move to Tokiya’s shoulders, massaging them- and Ren would hum when Tokiya would visibly relax, just a bit. 

Tokiya would take a deep breath when he had pulled away from the kiss, and he’d kiss down Ranmaru’s throat. He’s being a bit quick, perhaps a bit too impatient, but Ranmaru isn’t the type to complain about moving quickly. 

Tokiya’s fingers would brush over Ranmaru’s lower stomach, over the dark, brown hair leading down and disappearing under his underwear. Ranmaru hadn’t worn pants to bed. 

Tokiya would hum. “Are you a brunette?” 

“The grey’s not natural.” It’s not quite a confirmation, but it’s close enough for Tokiya. 

“I don’t know that I could picture you with anything but grey.” Ren would hum, looking curiously at Ranmaru. “It suits you well.”

“‘S what I thoug- oh, God.” Tokiya would have pressed his lips to Ranmaru’s stomach, now kneeling on the bed between his calves, his hand having traveled, brushing over Ranmaru’s underwear. Tokiya can tell that Ranmaru’s hard, and it sends a rush down to Tokiya’s own groin, knowing that he’d managed to affect Ranmaru. 

One glance over at Ren would show that he’s absolutely not affected, his own erection pressing up, towards his stomach. Tokiya has to pull his eyes away before he gets properly distracted. Tokiya would hook his fingers under Ranmaru’s boxers, looking up at Ranmaru. “Can I?” 

“Fuck, Toki-” Ranmaru would breathe out, his face pink. “Yeah.” His voice is almost breathless, and it would make Tokiya lose his own breath. He’d pull down Ranmaru’s underwear, and he’d move so that he can navigate them completely off of Ranmaru’s legs- leaving himself the most dressed in the room. Before anyone can comment on it, he’s back between Ranmaru’s legs, and he’s already steeled himself, surprising Ren and Ranmaru when he’d take another resolved breath and then lean forward, carefully taking the head of Ranmaru’s cock into his mouth. 

“Damn, Toki.” Ren’s eyebrows would raise. 

Ranmaru would let out an almost choked grunt, all of his focus in not bucking his hips up, before letting out a low groan. “Fuck, Tokiya.”

Tokiya notices Ranmaru’s hands clenched against the sheets, and he makes an internal comment on what to do next- but not before he gets himself used to this. He’s hardly taken any of Ranmaru and his jaw already feels a bit strained. He breathes through his nose, carefully lowering himself on Ranmaru, managing on the first lowering to take about half, focusing on not letting his gag reflex win. He’d hollow his cheeks when he pulls back, and Ranmaru would let out another low groan. Ren would finally stop simply watching, moving to Ranmaru to press his lips against his. Ren’s hand would travel over Ranmaru’s chest. 

Tokiya would pull away, almost exactly when Ren does, and Tokiya would take Ranmaru’s hand. He still couldn’t quite take all of Ranmaru in, and _god_ did his jaw ache, but he felt fairly confident that he could handle just a bit more. “You can lead me. I don’t mind if you’re a bit rough.”

Ranmaru would breathe out, which would be impressive because he certainly seemed to be having trouble catching his breath at all- “No.” 

Tokiya would run his hand over Ranmaru’s thigh- and Ranmaru’s hand wouldn’t grip Tokiya’s hair, choosing to pet through it instead. “It’s alright, Ran. Really.”

“No.” Ranmaru would repeat. “‘M not going to. You’re pushin’ yourself enough.” Ranmaru’s hand would lower, to brush his thumb under Tokiya’s eyes, and that’s when Tokiya would realize that he had teared up a bit. 

“He’s right.” Ren would say gently. “Why don’t we switch places, baby? I can finish Ran off, why don’t you come over here?” Ren would reach out, and Tokiya would hesitate. 

“C’mon.” Ranmaru would encourage, his thumb stroking over Tokiya’s cheek. With both of their encouragement, Tokiya would pull away to move to Ranmaru’s side. Ren would take Tokiya’s place in between Ranmaru’s legs, and Tokiya would nuzzle into the crook of Ranmaru’s neck. Ranmaru’s hand would lift, moving to press Tokiya’s lips against his own, not seeming to care where Tokiya’s mouth had just been. 

Ranmaru would moan against Tokiya’s mouth when Ren’s would wrap around him, and Tokiya loved the feeling. Tokiya’s hand would begin to roam over Ranmaru’s side and up his chest. When Tokiya’s hand would reach the center of Ranmaru’s chest, one of Ranmaru’s hands would move, holding onto Tokiya’s wrist. 

Ren seemed to be getting creative- and Tokiya would realize that Ren was better at it than Tokiya was. If that thought showed on his face, Ren was too busy to notice, and Ranmaru was obviously too close to the edge. 

“Ren-” Ranmaru would moan out Ren’s name. “I’m-”

Ren would hum, and the look he’d send up to Ranmaru would send him over, and, impressively, he’d manage to swallow most of it. Tokiya would have reached out to help wipe off Ren’s chin, but Ranmaru hasn’t let go of Tokiya’s hand. Finally, as Ranmaru comes down, his grip would loosen, and while Ren has moved, and has wiped off his own chin by this point, Tokiya would gently pull his hand away. Ren is at the edge of the bed, but in the few seconds that Tokiya has, he’d move over, dropping onto his knees. 

“Toki-” Ren’s voice is almost disapproving, but Tokiya’s quick about it, pressing a kiss to Ren’s stomach, setting his hands on Ren’s bare hips. Ren would let out a shaky breath. 

“I like this position.” Tokiya would mumble, glancing up at Ren. Ren’s eyes were lidded, and he looks like he wants to argue with Tokiya, but Tokiya’s movements haven’t stopped. He’s kissing up Ren’s chest, on his knees in front of Ren. 

“You’re not even undressed.” Ren would mumble, but his frown isn’t entirely a frown and his argumental tone is weak. 

“If I’m on the floor, it’s better to be wearing pants.” Tokiya would ensure. 

“We should be taking care of you.” Ren would say weakly, but Tokiya would be pushing himself up, to kiss Ren. Ren would kiss back, but he’d continue with what he was saying when Tokiya would lower himself back to his knees. “You were the one that suggested this first, after all.”

“I’m more than happy.” Tokiya would promise.

“He’s got a point.” Ranmaru would mumble, his voice almost tired. 

“I’m fine.” Tokiya would insist. He’d notice that Ren’s opened his mouth again, and it would get Tokiya to lean forward, taking the head of Ren’s cock into his mouth, trying to copy some of what he had seen Ren do to Ranmaru. Tokiya’s jaw would immediately get sore, but he’d ignore the stiffness of it. Tokiya would end up pushing himself a bit faster than he had with Ranmaru, taking in more of Ren sooner- and he can feel the tears prick the edge of his eyes as he forces himself to keep from gagging. 

That would be horrible and embarrassing. 

“Take it easy, baby. You’re doing so good.” Ren’s voice sounds breathless, and he’d reach down to pet through Tokiya’s hair. 

Tokiya would be forced to slow, just a bit, to make sure that his gag reflex would die down, and he’d feel some drool begin to creep down from the side of his lips. 

Great. That was definitely attractive. 

Tokiya would pull back, feeling a bit aggravated at himself, but because Ren’s focus is on him, he doesn’t miss this expression. 

“You’re great, darling.” Ren reassures in a soft voice. “Don’t push yourself, alright?”

Tokiya would swallow, and it almost hurts. His throat is definitely going to be sore, and his jaw is going to be, too. He’d smile up at Ren, even though it’s a bit hard. 

“I’m fine, Ren.” Tokiya would squeeze Ren’s knee. “I promise.” Before Ren can really argue anymore with him, Tokiya would lean forward again, ignoring the ache as he’d wrap his mouth back around Ren, his hand moving to try to take care of what he couldn’t reach- luckily he had gotten enough of Ren in his last attempt for there to be enough spit to use as lube, so his hand wasn’t too dry. 

Ren would let out a low moan, and it would make Tokiya hum. 

“Ah, baby, I’m close-” Ren would warn, and Tokiya would hollow his cheeks, his handjob becoming more focused. Ren’s hand would tighten in Tokiya’s hair, just a bit, on instinct as he comes. Tokiya only gets about half of it, forced to pull away, and some of it lands on Tokiya’s face- his chin, his cheek, dripping from his lips down onto his chest. Tokiya’s bright red, and he’d cringe as he’d swallow. 

Ren is breathing heavily, but he’d bend over, pressing his lips against Tokiya’s forehead. “I’m sorry, baby.”

“I pulled back, it’s not your fault. But I’m going to wash off. You should lay back, with Ran.” Ranmaru looked a bit better, but he still seemed a bit tired. Ren seemed exhausted at the moment, too. It made sense- Ranmaru had implied that he _had_ slept with someone before- but two people at the same time, especially after not having any relations for some time must have been tiring. 

“I can help.” Ren would offer, and Tokiya would give him a soft smile, standing. 

“You’re alright, Ren. Really.” He’d reach out, petting through Ren’s hair. “I’ll be back.”

Tokiya would walk into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. He really would wash off, first, but then he’d sit on the toilet lid, pulling his sweats down to just above his knees, and he’d close his eyes- he’d picture Ranmaru’s face, and Ren- taking care of Ranmaru. He’d remember the feeling of Ren’s grip in his hair. His hand was a bit too dry, and it wasn’t the most comfortable jack off session Tokiya has had- but he had more than enough material to make it quick. He’d wash himself off once more, moving to the bed. 

Ranmaru seems to have a bit more life back in him, though his arms are wrapped around Ren, who still seems a bit sleepy. Ranmaru would have narrowed his eyes at Tokiya as he walked back, and Ren would have taken him in for a second, and he would have frowned. 

“Toki-” Ren’s voice is gentle, but there’s a tone of upset. “You didn’t-”

“I’m fine, Ren.” Tokiya would move into the bed, on the outside, squeezing Ren’s arm. 

“That’s not how this works, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s frowning now, too. “If I though you were gonna go finish yourself in the bathroom I wouldn’t ‘a let you go.”

“You wanted this, Toki.” Ren’s voice is almost… sad? Tokiya thinks that it’s the best word for this. Maybe hurt. “Why wouldn’t you let us help you?”

“You did.” Tokiya would try to reassure. “Just seeing you two finish was more than enough for me.”

“It shouldn’t ‘a been.” Ranmaru’s voice is dead serious. “This isn’t how this works, Toki. I would not ‘ve let you put yourself last if I would’a known this is what you were going to do.”

“It’s done.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “We may as well as just rest up now and worry about it next time.” 

Ranmaru would click his tongue. “Really?” Ranmaru would lift himself onto his arm, to look at Tokiya. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me that you’re actually satisfied? And I mean _you_ Toki. I don’t want you tellin’ me that you’re fine because we are, either.”

Tokiya would quiet, especially noticing that Ren was watching him with just as much intensity. Tokiya would take a second to really think about the question. Tokiya had technically finished, but he didn’t feel the way that Ren or Ranmaru had looked. He felt… a bit disappointed. He felt better from a simple touch from Ren or Ranmaru than he had the entire time in the bathroom- and he hadn’t even been touched anywhere all that sensitive by either of them. “I… can’t.”

“Five minutes.” Ren would say. “We’ll give ourselves five minutes, and then we’ll take care of you, baby.”

“You do-”

“No.” Ranmaru would cut Tokiya off. “This shouldn’t even be a situation, Toki, you’re not gonna just brush this off.”

“Will you tell us _why_ you wouldn’t just let us help you, Toki?” Ren’s hand would rub over Tokiya’s chest in a way meant to be comforting. 

Tokiya would frown. “I don’t… I don’t really know what I’m doing. It’s easier to figure out with you two than it is to figure it out with myself.”

“You should know by now that most of figurin’ out what to do would’ve fell on us, Toki. The same way it fell on you with _us_. ‘S that your only reason?”

Tokiya would get quiet for a long moment, and his voice is lower. “I don’t want to make it all about me. I want the two of you to feel good- but I don’t feel like that means you have to return that favor.”

Ranmaru would have clicked his tongue. “Tokiya. I wouldn’t ‘ve gotten intimate at all with you if I didn’t _want_ to return the favor.”

“He’s right.” Ren would say, frowning. “Clearly you were more than happy to help us- we’re just as happy to help you, darling.”

Ren’s head would rest against Tokiya’s shoulder.

“How far do you want to go?” Ren would ask, tilting his head up to look at Tokiya. “We’ll go as far as you’re comfortable.”

“I…” Tokiya’s face would flush red. “I’d like to go all of the way.” He’d admit quietly. 

“Of course.” Ren would kiss Tokiya’s bare shoulder. “I think our five minutes are up. How do we want to do this, Ran?” 

“Real fuckin’ slow.” Ranmaru mutters. “Let’s get ‘im in the middle.”

Ren would move, beginning by straddling Tokiya’s lap, stopping just long enough to bend over, capturing Tokiya’s lips in a soft kiss, before moving to the other side of him. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t take long to take Ren’s place, moving to hover over Tokiya. It seemed like Ranmaru wouldn’t leave a single inch of skin untouched- starting with Tokiya’s lips. His kisses are passionate, but they’re slow, as promised. He’d take his time to press kisses to Tokiya’s face, his forehead, his cheeks, the tip of his nose, his chin- down to his jaw, right below his ear, down the column of his throat and to the most sensitive spots, taking his time to nip, and lick and suck, certainly leaving a few marks. Tokiya owned scarves. He’d likely be using one tomorrow. Ren would have lifted Tokiya’s arm, pressing light kisses from the tips of his fingers to the inside of his arm to his shoulder, while Ranmaru would begin to make his way down to Tokiya’s chest. Some spots would make Tokiya shiver, and Ranmaru was careful to take extra time on those spots. He had Tokiya panting, shaking, squirming beneath him. Tokiya was letting out needy whimpers, especially when Ren would move, grabbing Tokiya’s wrists carefully and holding them above Tokiya’s head, only giving Ranmaru better access to his chest. 

And then, finally, Ranmaru would pull down Tokiya’s pants, and he’d begin at Tokiya’s ankle, slowly making his way up to the inside of Tokiya’s thigh, taking time to make marks against the pale skin near his hip, and then he’d start at the ankle of the other leg. 

Ren, sitting above him, had been making quiet comments nearly the entire time, using the hand that wasn’t gently holding his wrists to pet through his hair. Everything he’d say would come out as a purr.

“You’re so pretty, Toki.”

“That noise you’re making is wonderful.”

“Look at how beautiful you are, baby.”

Ren’s hand would occasionally trail down, over Tokiya’s chest, and Tokiya can’t help but to pant. 

“You a top or a bottom, Toki?” Ranmaru seems like he already knows the answer- especially when his finger brushes across Tokiya’s entrance, not quite pushing into the ring of muscle, likely because his finger was still dry, but it’s enough to make Tokiya shiver. 

“B-bottom.” Tokiya’s voice would tremble, but it’s undeniably lustful.

Ranmaru would let out a deep, smooth chuckle that would form a knot in Tokiya’s stomach and get him to let out a low moan. He was painfully hard. 

Ranmaru would leave the bed, but Ren wouldn’t let Tokiya be disappointed at the loss for long, moving so that he could begin to attack Tokiya’s chest with soft kisses- but he’d get a reactive, choked moan when Ren would bite softly into Tokiya’s shoulder. 

Ren would travel down Tokiya’s sides, nipping at the skin before soothing it with a swipe of his tongue, making Tokiya whine. 

Ranmaru would come back, a bottle of lotion in his hand. “‘S not quite the real deal, but I’ve got condoms. This’ll be fine for prep.” 

“You seem to be somewhat well versed.” Ren would comment, and Ranmaru’s face would turn a light shade of pink. Tokiya doesn’t miss Ren’s grin. “Have you experimented?”

“I told ya, ‘ve never done it with another boy.” Ranmaru would mutter. 

Ren’s voice is a bit teasing, but there’s certainly another edge to his tone. “I didn’t mean on another person.”

“I… might’ve.” Ranmaru’s ears are red. He’d glance at Tokiya’s face for a long few seconds before looking away and mumbling. “‘Ve done some research, too. Just in case it’d come in handy.”

Tokiya can’t actually get his expression to soften before Ranmaru’s pressing his index finger against Tokiya, clearly already having gotten his fingers fairly lubricated. “You ready?” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. 

“I think so.” Tokiya’s nervous. It sounds like Ranmaru’s gotten further than Tokiya ever had. Not from lack of trying- Tokiya could just never seem to find an angle that was comfortable enough to ever really try it, or to ever enjoy it. 

Ranmaru would slide in his finger to the first knuckle, and Tokiya realizes that this is another part of his promise to go slow. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure how he was expected to survive. 

And go slow he would. It would take a lifetime for Ranmaru to finally work his way up to three fingers, but he’d have Tokiya a panting, whining, whimpering, writing mess beneath him. “R-ran-” Tokiya’s back would arch when Ranmaru’s fingers would curl. 

“Guess I can take pity.” Ranmaru would say, as he curls his fingers once more. Ironic.

Ren had already fished a condom from one of Ranmaru’s drawers, and he’d approach Ranmaru from behind, kissing his shoulder blade and sliding the condom onto Ranmaru, perhaps slower than he really needed to. Tokiya could hear the sound from Ren, slapping Ranmaru’s ass as he pressed one last kiss to the back of Ranmaru’s neck, and he’d make his way back to Tokiya. 

Ranmaru would position himself over Tokiya, and Tokiya would bury his face in the crook of Ranmaru’s neck, a flash of nerves going through Tokiya. Tokiya didn’t know much about sex, if he were entirely honest- but he was pretty sure he’d heard that this sort of sex could _hurt_, and he was scared. 

Ranmaru would put a hand against the back of Tokiya’s hand- the cleaner of the two. The other is holding him up. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Ranmaru would ask him quietly. 

“I- ...I’m a little scared.” Tokiya would admit, and then he’d let out a weak laugh. “Sorry.”

“What? Don’t be sorry.” Ranmaru would click his tongue, but it’s a softer sound. “If you changed your mind, ‘s not a big deal. If you still wanna do it, I’ll be gentle. ...It might still hurt, but I’ll do my best.”

Tokiya would cry, which would alarm both Ren and Ranmaru. 

“Shit, Toki…?”

“No, no- I’m okay, these aren’t… bad tears.” Tokiya would pull away, trying to give a reassuring, teary smile to the both of them. “Thank you. I-" Tokiya would swallow hard, an almost nervous expression on his face as his voice drops. "I love you. I- I love you both." 

The fear of the possibility of double rejection manages to hit Tokiya, even in the position he's in- entirely naked with Ren hovering just to his side and Ranmaru on top of him. 

But the soft smile Ranmaru would give him in return would erase most of the nerves- and then Ranmaru would lean down to kiss Tokiya, leaning back just enough to mumble against Tokiya's lips, "I love you, too, Toki."

Tokiya would feel a hand petting through his hair, Ren's. "I love you, baby." There's an adoration in Ren's voice. 

Ranmaru wouldn't pull away from Tokiya, beginning to trace light kisses against his jaw, down his neck. He'd wait a moment, and then he'd nip lightly at the crook of Tokiya's neck. "You tell me when you're ready, Toki. We're goin' at your pace."

"I think I'm ready." The nerves have returned full force, but he'd nod and swallow. Ranmaru would move, pressing a kiss to Tokiya's lips that was clearly meant to be a distraction. It would have worked- but Ranmaru would have pulled out after he had carefully entered Tokiya, moving to watch Tokiya's face. 

There's already a wince, and Ren's hand moves in between Ranmaru and Tokiya to comfortingly rub Tokiya's stomach. 

Ranmaru has a hint of discomfort on his face that doesn't go unnoticed by Tokiya and a bit of panic flares up. 

"You've gotta untense, Toki." It's a gentle reminder, but Tokiya feels almost horrified. 

So Tokiya _was_ the reason Ranmaru looked uncomfortable. Was Tokiya hurting him? 

"I'm sorry." Tokiya's eyes are too wide. He's trying to force himself to relax his body, but with how worked up he's managed to get himself, it isn't easy. "If I'm hurting you, please pull out- I don't-" 

Ranmaru would quiet Tokiya with a kiss- a short one, just meant to let Ranmaru get a word in. "'M fine, Toki. You're not hurtin' me. But if you can't relax, you might end up hurting yourself."

Tokiya still looks a bit shaken, but Ren's shifted, running his hands over the parts of Tokiya that he still hasn't managed to untense, gently pressing down as a reminder. He'd eventually take one of Tokiya's hands, gently massaging it, kissing the palm of Tokiya's hand. 

Ranmaru would watch Tokiya's face, moving forward carefully when there is no pained look. Ranmaru only gets about halfway in when he has to pause, because an uncomfortable look passes over Tokiya's face. Ranmaru would still, and when Tokiya opens his mouth, Ranmaru would start with an almost warning tone, "No apologizing, Toki."

Tokiya would close his mouth, his face getting a bit red. This time, he wouldn't have argued his case. Ren had begun to kiss up Tokiya's arm, which was a good distraction. Tokiya's face would relax shortly after Ranmaru had stilled. 

"'M gonna press in the rest of the way, alright?"

Tokiya would nod, and Ranmaru does take a second to make sure that Tokiya is _actually_ ready, but would push in until his hips rested against Tokiya, Tokiya's erection pressed between his own stomach and Ranmaru's. Ranmaru would still again, but even Ranmaru's calm facade seems to be breaking, a clearly lustful darkening in his eyes, and _Ranmaru_ is tense. Ren would press a kiss just below Ranmaru's jaw, incredibly soft, and Tokiya would reach up, his thumb brushing over Ranmaru's bicep. "It's okay. You can move." 

Ranmaru's eyes would narrow, searching Tokiya's face. "Y'don't look comfortable." 

"I think it's going to be too soon for that. It's alright. Really." Tokiya would flash him a small smile- and Ranmaru hardly moves, just pressing his hips closer to Tokiya and getting a wince before he'd still again. 

"'S what I thought. Don't rush yourself. What's the point in doing this if you're not able to enjoy it? I don't mind if I've gotta pull out, either, so don't hesitate 't tell me if I need to."

"It's not that bad." Tokiya would try to reassure, but it would still take Ranmaru a moment to watch Tokiya's face. 

Ren would move to Tokiya, pressing his lips anywhere he could without jostling Ranmaru, and when Tokiya turns his head, Ren would take the chance to properly kiss Tokiya, not pulling away until they were both short of breath. 

Tokiya would experimentally move his hips, at first to see how it felt, but then again to see Ranmaru's face. "You can move. It's alright."

"You're not lyin' 't me, are you?" Ranmaru's eyes would narrow again. Tokiya would move his hips once more, a small action- but there isn't a wince with it. 

It wasn't necessarily pleasant. Tokiya couldn't really say that he liked it- but it was only uncomfortable. It wasn't painful anymore. 

Tokiya knew Ranmaru would probably just rather have Tokiya ask him to pull out- but Tokiya wanted this to work. He wanted to give it a chance. A proper chance. 

Tokiya's opinion wouldn't have entirely changed, but it would have gotten a bit better when Ranmaru would have shifted and brushed against a particularly sensitive spot in Tokiya, and Tokiya would have let out a choked whimper. 

"'S that a good sound or a bad sound?" Ranmaru would have stilled, watching Tokiya's face. 

"Good." He'd breathe out. "Definitely good."

Tokiya begins to wonder if that should have been his answer when Ranmaru's eyes almost light up, and he repeats the action. Tokiya would whine, his hips moving of their own accord to meet Ranmaru's- and while Tokiya still wouldn't say it's altogether pleasant… this part definitely was. 

Ren would move to Tokiya's sides, starting with kissing his sides and moving to nipping, and beginning to make pale red marks, humming every time he'd pull back to look at his work. 

Tokiya was definitely panting. Ranmaru had started into a slow, steady rhythm, each stroke driving into a spot that would make Tokiya see stars, every time. Ranmaru's proud expression was well deserved, even Tokiya could begrudgingly admit. Tokiya was being verbal, more than he had truly meant to be, but the uncomfortable part of it was hard to focus on when Ranmaru kept finding that one spot. It was a miracle he didn't come on the spot when Ren had wrapped his hand around Tokiya's cock, but Tokiya couldn't control the breathy whimper or the arch of his back. It absolutely felt different than when Tokiya would get himself off- and it leaves Tokiya wondering how he had ever felt satisfied doing it alone.

He notices that Ren's hand is damp, sliding along Tokiya easily. When Ren strokes up, Tokiya's hips follow, and it makes Ranmaru groan as well. 

"I'm real fuckin' close, baby." Ranmaru would warn, his hips stuttering. 

When Ren's handjob had gotten more focused, Tokiya would somehow manage to grab his wrist, "Ren, J-jesus… wait-"

"Toki-" Ren would still, but his voice is warning. Ranmaru would still, though it's clear that it's taking a lot of effort. 

"I'm not gonna last much longer, Toki." Ranmaru would warn, his voice almost strained. 

"I don't expect you to. Please don't give me that look-" Tokiya would bite his lip, and he'd look at Ren, his face red. "I don't want to… not finish- I'd like to… try something. With Ren- but I don't want you to hold back, Ran."

"Toki-" Ren would sigh. "You have to pay attention to your body. Don't overwhelm yourself, please." 

“I can handle it. Really.” Tokiya would promise. He’d lean forward, to press his lips to Ranmaru’s forehead, and would then turn his head to catch Ren’s lips. 

Tokiya would move his hips- definitely a move for Ranmaru more than himself, and Ranmaru would groan. “You’re playin’ dirty, Toki.” Ranmaru is nearly panting. 

“You can move, darling.” Tokiya would maneuver himself, leaning down enough to kiss Ranmaru’s shoulder, and move up to his neck.

Tokiya had won, though neither of his partners were sure if they should have let him. Tokiya had noticed how his noises were affecting Ranmaru, and the next time that he’d move his hips, he’d let out a whine- and it’d seem to convince Ranmaru, though Ranmaru would move very slowly at first. Ranmaru would settle back into the pattern of hitting that one spot inside of Tokiya relentlessly, until Tokiya’s whines had turned into Ranmaru’s name. 

Ranmaru seemed to make it almost a challenge, trying to get Tokiya off, but in the end, Ranmaru would finish first. He’d have to catch himself, careful not to land on Tokiya, and he’d groan. “I’m gonna have to pull out.” He’d warn. 

“That’s okay.” Tokiya would rub Ranmaru’s back, and Ranmaru would carefully push himself up, slowly sliding out of Tokiya. Tokiya can’t help the wince.

Ren’s hand would slide over Tokiya’s stomach as Ranmaru collapses next to him- though even Ranmaru has turned his head to watch Tokiya. 

“Are you sure you don’t just want me to help, Toki?” Ren would press a kiss to the middle of Tokiya’s chest. “I really don’t want you straining yourself.”

“I’ll be okay, Ren.” Tokiya would manage to sit up, pressing a kiss to Ren’s lips, softly. “I want to try something.” Tokiya would nuzzle into the crook of Ren’s neck for a second, before fully sitting up. 

To say he was sore was a bit of an understatement, but he’d ignore it. He’d slide off the bed, pressing against Ren’s biceps. “Lie down.” Tokiya would instruct Ren. Ren’s eyebrow would raise, but before he sits down, he’d set a hand on Tokiya’s waist.

“As long as you promise me that you won’t push yourself.”

“I won’t, Ren.”

Ren would watch him for a long moment, not convinced, but he’d move onto the bed. Tokiya would move to straddle Ren, ignoring the protest in his legs, and he’d lean down to kiss Ren, all too aware of the stares he was getting from both Ren and Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would work his way down to Ren’s jaw, down Ren’s throat and to his chest. 

“I need to grab a condom.” Tokiya would murmur against Ren’s collarbone. “I thought there was something I had overlooked.”

“I can grab one.” Ranmaru would mutter, though it would take him a moment to stand on clearly unsteady legs. “Jesus, Toki- how are you even doin’ this right now?”

“You did most of the work.”

“Dunno that I’d say that.” Ranmaru would give him a long look, but he would go grab a condom for Tokiya, and Tokiya would take it. He’d press a soft kiss to Ren’s stomach, and he’d move to slide the condom onto Ren. 

Tokiya would run his hand over Ren’s stomach, getting a shaky breath out of him- but Ren’s watching him closely. Carefully. 

Tokiya’s face is bright red, the flush travelling from the tips of his ears to his shoulders, but he’d carefully return to straddling Ren’s lap. Ren would raise an eyebrow as he’d realize what Tokiya planned to do. “Are you sure about this, baby?” 

Tokiya would pause to lean down and kiss Ren, softly, trying to reassure him. “I am.” Tokiya… wasn’t. He felt tired. But he wanted to try this anyways. 

Tokiya can’t quite look at Ren, his face a dark red, as he’d navigate Ren to his entrance, carefully lowering himself until he was sitting on Ren’s lap- he felt full. Uncomfortably so, but when he’d adjust, just slightly, he’d have to still. He felt stuck, but it was difficult because Ren was pressing against the same spot that Ranmaru had found, and Tokiya’s making a noise, his eyes closing. 

Ren had moaned out Tokiya’s name when Tokiya had initially taken him in, and he’d have to let out another one when he sees Tokiya’s flushed face, and when Tokiya can open his eyes they’re filled with lust. 

Ren’s hands would find Tokiya’s waist, but he isn’t moving Tokiya. Tokiya would keep himself from tensing or flinching when he moves, to try to figure out how to best do this. Ren, with some help from Ranmaru, would have gotten himself propped up somewhat on pillows, careful not to move his hips. 

“Fuck, Toki-” Ren’s voice is breathless. “You’re gorgeous, baby. But just - oh, Jesus-” Tokiya had moved his hips in a way that would have gotten a reaction from both of them. “Just… don’t push yourself, baby.”

It was too late for that. The way Tokiya was pressed against Ren had sent Ren much further than Ranmaru had been able to get, and Tokiya’s legs were already almost cramping- but it had taken him a lot of effort to get this far, so he wasn’t going to back down now. Tokiya would moan when he’d bend to press his lips to Ren’s, but it wouldn’t stop him, and Ren would let out a sound against Tokiya’s mouth, too. Tokiya would pull back just slightly. “I’m alright, Ren. It feels good.” 

It wasn’t a lie. If anything, Tokiya thinks it might feel too good. Too much, too soon- but it was fine. “I’m… going to move, okay?” Tokiya would tell Ren, though partially for himself. 

“If you need my help, let me know how I can.” Ren would offer, though his hands are still settled on Tokiya’s hips. Tokiya would carefully raise himself, and then gently lower himself back down, letting out a choked sound. There was definitely a lot of oversensitivity, because when Ren would hit that perfect spot, Tokiya could actually feel himself tear up a bit. Ren’s hand would raise, and his face has darkened- clearly not unaffected by Tokiya’s movements, but worried. Tokiya’s hand would press against Ren’s on his face, and he’d smile. “I’m okay.” He’d turn his head and kiss Ren’s palm. “Really.”

Ren would move, carefully, trying not to move his hips as he’d lean forward to kiss Tokiya’s chest. Ranmaru’s roused more, giving Tokiya the same look that Ren is giving him. “You’ve pushed yourself too hard, baby. I know you mean well, honey, but it’s your first time. Why don’t we just lie down next to each other and finish each other off, hmm? Give your body a break.” 

“What?” It’s Ranmaru that responds, because Tokiya quiets down, not quite meeting Ren’s eyes. 

“We… may as well finish.” Tokiya would say, a bit timidly. “I’m not sure I have it in me right now to actually get off of you, Ren.”

“Then I’ll move, okay?” Ren’s hand moves, to brush over Tokiya’s cheek. “I won’t keep getting on you about this. I think I’ve gotten my point across- but no more of this, alright? We need to find a middle-”

Ranmaru would pick up where Ren would trail off. “No finishin’ yourself alone in the bathroom, but no taking too much, either.”

“I should have made sure you finished with Ran.” Ren would sigh. 

“But then you-”

“There are other ways, baby. I still could have finished. You didn’t need to overexert yourself for me. I’m going to go ahead and move you, okay?”

“I’ll help.” Ranmaru would shift. “You lean ‘im over and I’ll catch him.”

Ren sits up, shifting Tokiya so that Ren can grab him, a hand across his back, and together they’d lay him down, Ren hovering over him, before carefully pulling out. Tokiya would wince, and Ren’s hand would rest on his cheek. Ren would discard of the condom, placing himself between Tokiya’s legs. Tokiya would shift, about to open his mouth, to argue, but Ren would cut him off.

“No. I’m going to finish you off, and then I’ll get Ran to help me, and then we’re going to relax, alright? You’ve done more than enough, Toki, and I do mean that genuinely.”

Ranmaru would move, kissing Tokiya hard, running his tongue across Tokiya’s bottom lip right as Ren would wrap his mouth around the head of Tokiya’s cock.

Tokiya couldn’t have even imagined how it would feel, a needy whine coming from his throat. Ren would take Tokiya’s hand, putting it in Ren’s hair- and Tokiya would notice that Ren had put his hair together in a sort of ponytail, and that Tokiya was holding his hair up and away from his face. 

Ren’s tongue would work on Tokiya’s cock as Ranmaru’s would run across Tokiya’s own tongue, and Tokiya has one hand firmly in Ren’s hair and the other hand trying to hold Ranmaru closer to him. 

Tokiya releases quickly, perhaps a bit too quickly, but he had been on the edge for some time. Ren would manage to catch nearly all of it, swallowing. 

“C’mere.” Ranmaru would say once he had pulled away from Tokiya, sitting on the bed and reaching for Ren. Ren would climb better onto the bed, near Ranmaru, and Ranmaru would pull him into a kiss, but it’s fairly short because he’d put a hand over Ren’s mouth. “Spit.”

Ren’s eyebrows would wiggle, and Ranmaru would let out an amused huff- though instead of simply spitting in Ranmaru’s hand, Ren would take his hand, taking three of Ranmaru’s fingers in his mouth, before licking strips across the part of Ranmaru’s hand he hadn’t been able to put in his mouth. Ranmaru’s breathing seems to be coming a bit heavier. 

But when his hand is no longer dry, it would drop down to stroke Ren, Ranmaru leaning forward to once again take Ren’s mouth, and Ren’s hips would stutter into Ranmaru’s hand. It’s messier, but it still wouldn’t take long for Ren to release either. Ranmaru would get up to go wash his hands, bringing back tissues to clean off Ren, who had fallen back onto the bed, careful to make sure that nothing got on Ranmaru’s bed. Once Ren had been cleaned off, Ren would coerce Tokiya into the middle of the bed, and Ranmaru would get into the bed on the other side of Tokiya. 

Tokiya would have been fighting off sleep for a few moments, entirely exhausted, but when Ranmaru wraps his arms around Tokiya and Ren’s head rests against Tokiya’s bare back, and he’s encompassed by the warmth of their bodies, limbs tangled together, he’d fall asleep. 

When he wakes up from his nap, he realizes that he’s in pain. His legs are screaming, and there’s a lot of soreness… elsewhere. 

There must be some pain on Tokiya’s face, even before he opens his eyes, because he’s greeted with a very flat, “You overdid it.” Ranmaru.

“I’m fine.” Tokiya would mumble. 

“Your punishment-” Ren would say against Tokiya’s back, his hand running up and down Tokiya’s side. “Is staying in bed for the rest of the day and letting us take care of you.”

“It’s not that bad.” Tokiya mumbles. 

“I doubt it. Not that I’m gonna tell you to stand to prove it- we all know how that’s gonna go down. Besides. It’s a punishment. Means you can’t tell us no.” 

Tokiya would sigh, overdramatically, shaking his head, but he doesn’t move. He knows he isn’t going to win- and right now he isn’t even sure that he wants to.

Tokiya’s phone would go off on the nightstand, and Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. “I thought I put that on silent.”

“Y’want me ‘t get it for you?” 

“Sure. I’ll check it.” Ranmaru would reach over to grab Tokiya’s phone, handing it over, and Tokiya would be just about to open it when he’d freeze. 

It was a text from the people behind Perfect Partner, and Tokiya’s tensed form would get Ren and Ranmaru’s attention. 

“Give it here.” Ranmaru would offer, reaching for Tokiya’s phone. “I’ll check it. No need to freak yourself out.”

“I’m fine.” Tokiya isn’t sure that his grip could loosen even if he tried. “It’s clearly for me. I should look at it.” Tokiya would unlock his phone before Ranmaru could get it. “Oh no- Oh god.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whine. 

It’s a video, and a message. 

The video is _in_ Ranmaru’s apartment- and it’s clearly of earlier. 

It’s basically a sex tape, Tokiya would think humorlessly. 

The message simply says, “Someone needs practice.”

Tokiya’s lip would tremble, and he’d find himself curling in, trying to get smaller. Ranmaru finally would have taken Tokiya’s phone, and he’d have let out a growl. His threat falls almost unheard on Tokiya, “I swear if I ever find one of the fuckers behind this-”

“Baby-” Ren’s arms wrap tighter around Tokiya’s back, rubbing comfortingly over his stomach. Tokiya has tears in his eyes, and Ranmaru would set Tokiya’s phone down, but even though he’s trying to comfort Tokiya as well, his anger shows through. Tokiya would shake his head. 

“I just want this to stop.” Tokiya would hiccup out a sob. “I want them to leave us alone.”

Tokiya’s phone would buzz- and this time, it’s Ranmaru that tenses. 

“We’ll check it in a minute, Toki.” Ranmaru would say, his voice almost a bit emotionless with the effort it’s taking to keep the anger out of it. 

“We should check it out now.” Tokiya says- and his voice is defeated. “They’re listening in on us. It’s likely in response to what I said.”

“I don’t know that it’s a good idea, Toki.” Ren would say, almost worriedly. 

“Checking it later won’t change what it says.”

Ranmaru would huff, but he’d turn. “I’ll check it. If you’re that insistent.”

Ranmaru would take Tokiya’s phone, easily unlocking it, and it would take him a moment to take in the message. His voice is flat. “According to _them_, there’s a way you _can_ get ‘em off your back.”

“What’s that?” Tokiya’s voice is almost scared.

Ranmaru would sigh, and he’d turn, showing Ren and Tokiya the message. 

“The following requirements must be met to ensure a working and successful match - 

Marriage to your partner and the start of a family.

When these requirements have been met, surveillance will be stopped.”

“A family…?” Tokiya would mumble. “Like… a child…?” Tokiya would actually feel a little afraid. He couldn’t raise a kid. He was a mess. “They’re… threatening me to marry Ren.” Tokiya would bring his hand up to rub harshly at his eyes, trying to backtrack, ignoring his discomfort to turn, trying to face Ren, a vague hint of panic on his face. “I don’t want to make it sound like I don’t want to- I just… I guess I imagined we’d never get married… I don’t… I didn’t want to have to choose. And if I did… I wanted it to be because that’s what we wanted.” Tokiya would swallow hard. 

“We… shouldn’t take too long.” Ren says quietly. “Because I know you’re afraid of them watching us- and I’m not at all fond of it either. But we can give you some time, Tokiya. I’m… if they really want us to start a _family_, I’m afraid we’ll have plenty of it, anyways.”

Tokiya would get quiet, “I’m sorry, Ran.”

Ranmaru would grunt. “‘S nothin’ we can do about it. ‘M a lot more worried about you and you being safe than I am about you marrying Ren.”

“You’re going to make me cry.” Tokiya mumbles, his eyes burning. He’d catch Ranmaru’s hand on his waist, holding onto it. “I really haven’t done anything to deserve either of you.”

Ren would lean forward, but his lips land on Tokiya’s forehead. “I personally find that being with you is more than worth it. You’re a wonderful partner, Toki, even if you don’t see yourself as one.”

Ranmaru would grunt. “There’s a reason I’ve stuck with ya all these years, Toki. If you really acted the way you obviously think you do- I wouldn’t be here right now.”

Tokiya would shift, moving so that his head would lie on Ren’s chest and his back would press against Ranmaru’s chest. 

For some time, it’s quiet. 

It's a mere two months later that Tokiya is sitting in a small room, dressed in what is likely the nicest suit he's ever worn in his life. The wedding was ridiculously nice and well out of his budget, but it was entirely planned and put on by the company. It was disconcerting to say the least. 

The company was also the reason that in less than a month a man would be coming to Ranmaru's home to see if it's safe for a child. It's a small house, but it has two bedrooms, which is one more than Tokiya's house. Tokiya was terrified of caring for a child. The only consolation he had was that the child they had met and spoken with was a sweet girl, just about to turn ten. 

Tokiya had his doubts about caring for a toddler. 

Ranmaru was sat in the room with Tokiya, which wasn't helping Tokiya's nerves or guilt. 

"I'm sorry." Tokiya's voice is soft. "Are you sure you're alright being in the wedding party?"

"That's about the sixtieth time you've asked 'n my answer is still yes. Even if it wasn't, 'lil late now, don'tcha think? You're about to walk down the aisle." Ranmaru would give a half smile, but there's a bit of a bittersweetness to the expression. "Besides. Kinda always figured I'd be the best man at your wedding." 

"Ran-"

Ranmaru would shake his head, "Really. Be happy, Toki. For me. 'S not like we're ending us, anyways. Nothing's gonna change between me, you or Ren, and it's not like we ever all could'a gotten married, and I know you've always wanted a wedding. Don't make yourself miserable." He'd stand, and he'd press a quick kiss to Tokiya's forehead. 

It was hard to enjoy it at first- it felt like a production, and he still didn't feel right, marrying Ren with Ranmaru joining as a guest. 

But it became hard not to let himself enjoy it when he had actually seen Ren at the aisle. It even kept Tokiya from noticing the guests that neither man had actually invited. 

The entire wedding was rather small- but Ren didn't mind and Tokiya preferred it. 

The reception was short, but it was another preference between Ren and Tokiya. The guests that weren't theirs did seem content- likely because it must have been obvious that Tokiya really wasn't faking his affection for Ren. Of course Tokiya loved Ren. 

But Tokiya's favorite part was the honeymoon- because they had travelled for the wedding, they were in the location they were taking their honeymoon in- which means that it wasn't difficult to discreetly take Ranmaru with them. 

That night, Tokiya was insistent on focusing on Ranmaru, and he won, because Ren joined in on his insistence. 

The day that the child protective services man came to check the house was surprisingly nerve wracking. Tokiya felt horrible, because this wasn't the right reasons to adopt a kid, but what choice did they have? Tokiya was sick of feeling afraid. He was sick of cowering in the corner of the bathroom as he'd change quickly. Of being careful with intimacy behind closed doors, because they may as well have had the door wide open anyways. 

The man would deem their house safe for children.

It was both a cause for relief and anxiety. At least Tokiya would have Ren and Ranmaru to help him. The little girl's name was Yuki- and it would only be a few weeks before she'd be living with them. Being cared for by them. 

"What are you thinking?" Ren would mumble. Tokiya can feel the metal of Ren's wedding band pressing against his skin when Ren's left hand comes up to rest on his cheek. 

"I've never wanted kids. I never thought I'd ever have one." Tokiya's voice is hardly a whisper. "In every daydream and fantasy I've ever had… a _child_ has never been part of one and I'm… scared." Tokiya's voice would break on the last word. "I don't think I'm going to be a good parent at all, and my dad left me- I don't… it isn't as if I can run from this. Not like he did. Why? Why a _kid_, Ren?" 

Ren's expression is careful, his eyebrows drawn down, his thumb running over Tokiya's cheek. He'd sigh. "You know why, Toki. Marriages and children may not stop everyone from leaving- but I know you well enough to know that you do take commitment seriously. And they know that as well." Ren would drop his hand, pulling Tokiya into a hug, holding him. “But please don’t forget that you aren’t alone in this. And even if you aren’t confident in parenting- we’ll figure it out together. The most important thing for her is going to be a safe, loving home, and I have no doubt that we can give her that. I know this isn’t how you expected your life to turn out-” Ren’s voice is gentle. “But we _are_ doing a good thing, Toki. It’s just going to be an adjustment, and not just for us.”

Tokiya would swallow hard, but he’d nod, his head moving against Ren’s shoulder. 

“I love you.” Tokiya would say, his voice barely audible. 

“I love you, too, baby.”

They would have gone out to buy furniture, though they kept toys to a minimum. They had received some information on what their new daughter, Yuki, liked, but Ren was adamant that they wait and ask her themselves, and neither Ranmaru or Tokiya would argue. It was a cute room, much different than the storage room that it had been. 

Ranmaru would have walked up to Tokiya, squeezing his shoulder. “What’s that look for?”

Tokiya knows exactly what kind of look is on his face. It’s a guilty expression. “I’m sorry.” His voice is almost distant.

“What for?”

“A lot of things. I’m sorry that I’m not adopting Yuki for the right reasons. I’m especially sorry to you, though Ranmaru.” Tokiya would frown. Ranmaru seems almost a bit taken aback by the use of his full first name, but Tokiya continues. “I’ve caused so many issues- particularly for _you_, and for some reason you’re putting up with all of it. You shouldn’t feel obligated to take care of a _child_, and to open your home to them because of mistakes and decisions that _I’ve_ made. You were the _best man_ at my wedding just- I’m sorry. You don’t deserve any of what I’m putting you through.” Tokiya’s voice had risen and had begun to sound more upset as he spoke, though in his last sentence, his voice had dropped again, and he can’t quite meet Ranmaru’s eyes. 

“Tokiya. Look at me.” Tokiya would, the guilt even heavier on his face now. Ranmaru’s hand would lightly grip Tokiya’s chin, keeping his gaze on Ranmaru. “You know me, even if you forget you do sometimes.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost a grumble. “If I didn’t think you were worth it, I wouldn’t waste my time. Just because I’m not legally married to you doesn’t mean shit. I want to be with you- and yeah, the situation could be better, but if helpin’ you raise a kid is what it takes to keep you and Ren safe, then I guess I’m helping you raise a kid.”

When Tokiya moves to hold onto Ranmaru’s wrist, Ranmaru would move his hand before Tokiya could grab him, but Ranmaru would pull Tokiya to him, holding him in a tight hug. Tokiya would hold onto the back of Ranmaru’s shirt, and when he speaks, his voice is barely audible. “I’m hardly an adult myself.” He’d let out a weak laugh. “Even with help, I don’t know how I’m going to pull this off.”

“She’s ten, Toki. ‘Course it’s gonna be work, but she’s not a toddler. There’s a lot more forgiveness with mistakes because she can let you know when you’re makin’ ‘em.” 

“Was that the right choice…?” Tokiya would rest his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder, closing his eyes. “An older child?”

“I think so.” Ranmaru wouldn’t hesitate. “I’ve gotta imagine when you’re that age there’s not much hope you’re still gonna get adopted. People like babies. And the risk of the kid not likin’ you is a lot higher.”

“Well that makes me feel better. I’ve always wanted a daughter that hates me.” Tokiya’s joke falls a bit flat, but Tokiya can still feel Ranmaru’s eyes roll. 

“Just give yourself some time. She seems like a sweet girl. I’m sure you’ll both get more comfortable the longer you give it.” 

Ranmaru had met her- not as many times as Ren or Tokiya, but he had come with them on a few visits. None of them had quite enough time with her, not nearly as much as they should have due to their unfortunate rush- but she did seem like a nice girl. She was fairly quiet, and a bit shy, but she was polite and got along well with Ren and Tokiya. She didn’t act like a normal ten year old, but Tokiya didn’t really act like a kid when he was one, either. 

When the fateful day had come, the day when the adoption agent would drop her off, Tokiya felt more nervous than he had in all of the time leading up to this day. Ren would have wrapped his arm around Tokiya, kissing his temple. “It’s going to be alright, Toki.”

“She’ll have you, and Ranmaru. I’m sure it will be.”

Ren would sigh. “Give yourself more credit, baby. You’re focusing a lot on what you don’t want to teach her- but there are things that I hope you do. You’re clever and thoughtful and creative, you know. You’re not quite as bad of a role model as you think you are.”

“I… won’t argue. But I’m only promising that for today.” Tokiya would rest his head against Ren’s shoulder, and Ren would give him a soft smile. 

The rest of the day is spent showing Yuki around- they’d let her adjust to her new room, and they’d take her around the neighborhood. Tokiya would stare for a moment when they’d pass his old home- at this point, he had sold it. There was no point in paying for a place that he wasn’t living in. There wasn’t much for kids to do in this neighborhood, but Yuki didn’t really seem to mind. 

Tokiya wasn’t the type to enjoy playgrounds or the like either- something they seemed to have in common. 

At the end of the night, just after they had eaten the food they had ordered in, Tokiya would have gotten a text, and for the first time in a while he feels like he can properly breathe. 

“Congratulations on your Perfect Partner, Tokiya Ichinose. Our surveillance on you and your family is now over.”

Tokiya hoped that the message was honest. He _had_ done everything they had asked of him, after all. 

Tokiya would wait to tell Ranmaru and Ren until they were in bed, Yuki already having gone to sleep over an hour ago. 

“I think it’s over.” Tokiya would say. He was in the middle, sitting up with his back against the headboard. Ren had been on his phone, and Ranmaru was already lying down, but Ranmaru would turn over, raising himself to an elbow, and Ren would have lowered his phone. “I got a text from the company, claiming they were done watching us.”

“Really?” Ren’s voice is cautiously hopeful. 

“I… can’t say for sure that they’re being honest- but I’d like to believe they are.” 

“That’s wonderful.” Ren would wrap his arms around Tokiya, his phone on his lap. He’d press his lips to Tokiya’s temple. 

Ranmaru had woken up when Tokiya had first spoken, but he’s already falling back asleep, though his arms wrap around Tokiya’s waist, humming tiredly. 

Tokiya would sigh, resting his head on Ren’s shoulder. “I really hope it’s over.”

“I hope so, too.” 

It was strange having a child in the house- and Tokiya was sure it was strange for her, too. It was already strange, being adopted by a homosexual couple- it was another altogether to be adopted by a homosexual _polyamorous_ couple. She took to it well, and all three of them were careful. 

Tokiya was afraid that if they made it _too_ casual, she could get bullied for it. It was a process, to not let it seem like they thought it was _wrong_, but to help her understand that it also wasn’t normal. 

Something to be careful about, but not ashamed of. 

Yuki had gotten along with all of them fairly well. The hardest period to adjust to was the shift of the three men becoming parents, and the girl viewing them as such. 

She came around to all of them- though at different times. Tokiya was shocked to see that she had taken a respect to him first.

“Tokiya?” Yuki was twelve, with them for two years. 

Tokiya would give her an almost reassuring smile, picking up on her nervous tone. “Hmm?” He’d turn around, leaning against the counter. He had been making dinner. 

“Can-” She certainly looked nervous. “Could I call you dad…?”

Tokiya’s entire face would soften, and he’d smile at her. “If you’re comfortable with that- of course you can.” 

Yuki would give a happy smile before she would move forward, to hug him, and he’d hug her back. 

Later that night, in the bedroom with Ren and Ranmaru, Tokiya would have cried. They were absolutely happy tears as he’d recount what had happened in the kitchen, and one look at Ren and Ranmaru would show how happy they were- for both of them. 

The next step forward would be a year later, when Yuki was thirteen. She had come home, sobbing, and both Ren and Tokiya had tried to talk to her, but she had been insistent that she wanted to talk to Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru would have been surprised when he had walked through the door and Yuki had run to him, wrapping him in a hug and crying into his side. Ren and Tokiya had been on the couch, and they’d give him an almost helpless expression- both men really hoping that Ranmaru would be able to help her. 

Ranmaru and Yuki would take over the living room, Ren and Tokiya - though a bit hesitantly - moving to their own room, giving the two space to talk. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Ranmaru is on the couch with Yuki, his eyebrows drawn in. Concerned. 

“That girl I had over last week is telling everyone about you guys.” Ranmaru would realize that in addition to upset, the tears were angry, too, as she’d glare down at the ground. “She’s saying bad things about all of you. She’s lying, and she’s telling everyone you’re freaks and-” She’d have to stop, working herself up into another sob. 

So this is what Tokiya was worried about. It’s the first thought going through Ranmaru’s head.

Ranmaru is angry. Of course he doesn’t really care what any amount of kids think about him, or about Ren and Tokiya. They’re kids- and kids Yuki’s age are cruel. Ranmaru is well aware. But it makes him angry that Yuki had gotten hurt. Ranmaru couldn’t ignore, however, that she was hurt at things said about _them_, and despite himself, he could feel his gaze softening. Ranmaru’s arm would wrap around her shoulder, giving her a tight squeeze, before ruffling her hair and letting his arm drop. “Teenagers just wanna see the world burn. Don’t worry ‘bout it too much, alright? If they keep botherin’ you at school, tell a teacher. Or if it’s really that bad, I can go down and talk to her mom.”

“Would you?” The pleading look Yuki sends Ranmaru would actually hurt him. How bad _was_ the situation? It couldn’t have been longer than a week. Ranmaru would nod. 

“I’ll go down and talk to ‘em tomorrow, alright?”

Ranmaru’s discussion with the girl’s mom had gone well. The mom seemed like a fine lady, and even a bit horrified as Ranmaru would have almost awkwardly described the situation, or at least what he knew of it. It would have gone smoother if Ranmaru had just sent Ren- but he told Yuki he’d do it. Ranmaru wasn’t the type to say he’d do something and then push it off on someone else. 

It would have been the next day when Yuki would have greeted him at the door again with a hug- but to Ranmaru’s relief, she wasn’t crying this time. 

“They apologized.” Yuki would sound happy. Maybe a bit relieved. “Thank you, dad!” She’d pull away, her face red and a bit nervous. “O-oh, I’m sorry! I should have asked-” 

Ranmaru’s sure that his expression is a bit shellshocked- and he can see Tokiya on the couch smiling into his book, and he knows that Ren’s turned his head and put his hand over his mouth to hide his own smile. Ranmaru’s expression would soften and he’d ruffle her hair. “‘M glad they apologized. And don’t worry about it.” Ranmaru would give one of his rare, softer domestic smiles. “I don’t mind if y’wanna call me dad.”

It would only a year later when Ren would get a call from the school, and he’d be sent to the office. She was fifteen, only by a few weeks. Ren wasn’t surprised to be called into the office- she seemed to be having some issues, but no one had been able to get them out of her. 

When Tokiya had tried, she had shut him down immediately, using his own tactic of insisting that she was fine and refusing to budge on her stance. 

When Ranmaru had asked her, they had argued, and Ranmaru had left only a few moments after he had tried. 

Ren had continued to persist, but there wasn’t anything of merit that he could get her to tell him. 

His eyes would widen in horror, though, when he’d look at her, sitting in the office, and see her black eye and split lip. 

“Oh, sweetie- are you alright?” The concern in Ren’s voice is obvious, and he’d forgo the receptionist to go to her, crouching down in front of her chair. 

She’d stay quiet, glaring at her feet, but the receptionist would speak. “Mr. Jinguji, your daughter started a fight with two other girls in her class.”

Ren would blink, shocked. He’d look at Yuki again, but he can’t make out any change in expression. 

“Is she suspended?” Ren would slowly stand, to speak to the receptionist. 

“For three days, yes.”

“I see. Thank you for telling me.” Ren’s voice is quiet. “Is there some sort of paperwork, or can I just take her home?”

“Actually, we do have a few questions we’d like to ask you.” Her voice would get serious. The only people in the office are Ren, Yuki and the receptionist- though Ren is beginning to wonder if that’s really what this woman is. He wonders if she’s actually a dean, or a disciplinary person. “What is your home situation like?”

Ren would blink, his eyebrows furrowing, but she’d push a bit further. 

“Is she safe at home?” 

Ren’s eyes would sadden, but he understands the question. Before he can answer, Yuki would answer, almost angrily. “They don’t hurt me!” 

Ren’s expression would soften, but he’d focus on the woman. “I assure you we treat her kindly. I’m not sure how you would go about checking this sort of thing- but should you need to, we would be more than happy to oblige.”

“Sometimes children that are mistreated tend to lash out.”

“They don’t mistreat me!” Yuki would stand up, angry tears in her eyes. Ren would turn towards her, and he’d lay a gentle hand on her shoulder. She’d sit back down, crossing her arms and staying quiet. Ren’s expression is serious, and his voice would drop. 

“I promise you that in the years we have taken care of her, it has been well. But I assure you, we will address her behavior. I can understand your concern- but I’d be more than happy to speak to her and perhaps work something out to have her see a therapist. There’s one at the school, yes? Perhaps she can speak to the counselor when she returns and we can figure it out from there.”

“I’ll arrange the meeting. That’s all I need from you, Mr. Jinguji.” 

Ren would smile, “Thank you, ma’am.” He’d bow his head respectfully, and he’d turn, though Yuki has gotten to her feet, slinging her bag over her shoulder, still glaring at the ground. 

The car ride is quiet. Of course they need to have a serious discussion, but Ren doesn’t want to have it in the car. The only thing that he would do is reach over shortly to squeeze her shoulder, “I’m only worried, honey. I’m not angry.”

Ren did believe that she wasn’t the type to lash out over nothing. Something must have happened. And, as much as Ren loved Ranmaru, and as much as he knew that Ranmaru tried to behave himself around Yuki- Ren wouldn’t be surprised if Ranmaru may have influenced her decision to solve her problems with her fists. Ranmaru was… a passionate man, to say the least. 

When they had gotten inside, Yuki still wouldn’t quite look at Ren. Ren had, of course, let Tokiya and Ranmaru know that he was going to the office for Yuki, and it seemed that Ranmaru had gotten off early. His expression was serious, seeing her walk in, especially noticing her injuries. 

“We need to talk about this, sweetie.” Ren would frown, rubbing her back. “Who do you feel more comfortable talking to? If you want to speak to Toki, we can wait for him, too.”

She would remain silent for nearly a moment, and her voice is almost soft. “I’ll talk to you.” Ranmaru would look between them, but he’d stand, moving towards the room. Ren would lead Yuki over to the couch. 

“So tell me what happened.” 

Yuki would wipe at her eyes, and she’d hunch in on herself a bit. “I… have a girlfriend.” Ren would blink, surprised, but he wouldn’t cut her off. “And the same girl that used to say nasty things about you guys kept pushing me about it. Dad taught me not to care about what people tell me, but she started attacking my girlfriend and I… snapped. I’m sorry.” She’s wipe more harshly at her eyes. “I just… wonder if it’s worth it. To stay with my girlfriend, it just… everyone acts like it’s wrong.”

“Don’t. Don’t let anyone ever make you feel bad for being who you are.” Ren’s voice is almost stern. “I… don’t think you were wrong to stand up for your girlfriend- though I don’t think violence was the right way to do that.” In a parental way, Ren couldn’t help but think that she was too young as it was for a girlfriend, a boyfriend- a _partner_ in general. That was a discussion to be had with Tokiya and Ranmaru later. Ren couldn’t bring it up now- there was clearly something more important to discuss. “More than anything, though, I want you to remember that there is nothing wrong with liking another girl. It’s a part of who you are- and it’s important to be true to yourself.” Ren would wrap an arm around her, pulling her into a hug, and she’d wrap her arms around him. “But I think I need to meet your girlfriend. To make sure she’s good enough for my little girl.” Ren would smile, his voice almost teasing. 

She’d let out a teary laugh. 

“No.” Ranmaru’s answer was quick when Ren had brought up everything to Ranmaru and Tokiya later that night. “I don’t care if it’s a boy or a girl. She’s too young for dating.”

“Ran- if it were up to you, I don’t think she’d ever date.” Tokiya would comment, resting his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. “I think it’s important to let her make her own decisions and encourage her to tell us about them. She needs some sort of freedom, or she’ll start hiding things.”

“I’m in between.” Ren would sigh. “I see both of your points. But for now, I say that we just meet her girlfriend. She’s already been punished for defending herself and her girlfriend- I think we’re in a bit of a precarious situation.” 

Ranmaru would grunt in agreement, and Tokiya would nod. “But now-” Tokiya’s voice would soften as he’d reach out, holding Ren’s hand. “There’s something else. I can see it in your expression.” 

“Is it that obvious?” Ren would ask tiredly.

Ranmaru would grunt, watching Ren’s face closely. 

“The lady at the office kept… heavily implying, if not outright saying, that many children lash out after being mistreated. I assured her that we would never hurt her, and she just… didn’t seem to believe me. Of course the important part is that we _don’t_, but it still hurts, to be accused of hurting your own child. Even if… ah, I suppose she’s technically not-” 

“She is.” Tokiya would reassure quickly. “I… know. It’s a bit of a sensitive topic- but she’ll come around, Ren, I promise. I promise you that she cares for you just as much as she does for Ran and I.”

Ren didn’t often mention it- but he was the only one that she didn’t call ‘dad’. He tried not to look into it too much. 

Tokiya would kiss the back of Ren’s hand. “You did well today, Ren. Thank you.”

“C’mon.” Ranmaru would move, to lie down on the bed, but he’d pull Ren down with him. Tokiya would adjust, on the other side of Ren, keeping Ren in the middle. Ren would smile, though it’s still tired. Both Ranmaru and Tokiya wrap their arms around Ren, and Ren gives a happy hum. 

Ren wouldn’t realize just how tired he was until he would fall asleep, placed in between them. He hardly even feels the soft kiss Ranmaru would press to his forehead. 

It would only be a few days later when Misa, Yuki’s girlfriend, would have gone over to their home. Misa is a bright, happy girl- bright enough to even get through to Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru was the only one that day working, so he would leave fairly early on. Tokiya would go into the kitchen to make lunch, and while the girls were in the living room, Ren would have walked behind Tokiya. 

Ren was fully aware that there were children present - so he’d keep it PG, but he’d still walk behind Tokiya, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s cheek, hugging Tokiya from behind. 

Tokiya would glance to the doorway of the kitchen quickly, seemingly content with seeing no one there. He’d turn in Ren’s arms, placing a short kiss on Ren’s lips. 

“And what are you two doing?” Yuki would say, accusatory. “This is a public space y’know.” 

Wow, she sounded like Ranmaru. She certainly picked up little things from each of them. 

Ren would turn, a teasing grin on his face. “Well, you see- when two grown ups love each other very much-” 

“Ew, dad! Not appropriate!” Yuki would cover her face, but she’s laughing. 

Ren’s smile is bright, and he’d look at Tokiya, a blindingly happy expression on his face. Tokiya would give a soft, fond smile as Ren would walk forward, wrapping Yuki in a bear hug, getting another happy giggle from the girl. When Ren let her go, and Yuki had gone back to Misa in the living room, Ren would walk to Tokiya, cupping his face and kissing him. It isn’t a long kiss- but it certainly wasn’t as short as Tokiya’s. When Ren pulls back, still cupping Tokiya’s face, his eyes are a bit shiny. “She called me dad.” 

When Yuki was seventeen, Tokiya’s mother would have passed. 

Tokiya wasn’t extremely close to his mother, but she really was all that he had as far as blood family went. He wasn’t sure where his father was, and he had no siblings. The worst part about the discovery is the fact that Tokiya wouldn’t have learned of her passing until weeks after it had happened. 

What a great son he was. 

Tokiya would have spent a day, alone in the bedroom. He had called off work without Ren or Ranmaru knowing, which had saved him from Ren’s questioning. Ranmaru would have questioned him, but Tokiya would have shaken his head.

“I’m… under the weather today. I really don’t feel well.” Tokiya hadn’t gotten out of bed yet. 

“Want me to stay? I can take a day off.” 

Tokiya would shake his head, but Ranmaru would shrug. “You’ve got my number. Call me if y’need anything.” Tokiya would nod.

He’d spend the rest of that day in bed, not sleeping- just staring blankly at the wall. He’d just… think. He’d think about how he hadn’t seen her in over a year. He barely called her, maybe once every few months. He wondered if she died alone. If she knew that she was going to pass or if it were a surprise. Was she sick? 

She was at his wedding. 

What a terrible son. And now, there was nothing that he could do now. It was too late. 

Tokiya planned to stay his slump for quite some time. He wanted to lie there miserably for at least a few days- but of course, Ren and Ranmaru wouldn’t allow that. 

He actually hadn’t even gotten through the night. Ren would have walked in, and would have looked worried when he saw Tokiya awake. “Ran let me know you weren’t feeling well. I tried to text you, baby.” 

Tokiya doesn’t react, and when Ren sees Tokiya’s face, his own expression changes, becoming careful. His voice drops. “You’re not sick, are you?”

Tokiya swallows hard, curling in further on himself. Ren sits on the edge of the bed, his hand placed on the back of Tokiya’s shoulder. “What happened, baby?” Ren’s voice is soft. 

When Tokiya breaks, it isn’t immediately obvious. The tears come, silently, and he begins to shake, only slightly. Ren’s worry seems to be radiating off of him, his hand moving to wipe Tokiya’s tears. “My mom died.” Tokiya’s voice is almost hoarse. 

“Oh, darling.” Ren’s voice changes, and his hand moves, petting through Tokiya’s hair. “I’m so sorry. You should have told us- we wouldn’t have left.” 

“I just-” Tokiya would whimper. “I need some time.” 

Ren’s face is pained. Conflicted. “Toki… I really don’t want to leave you. But if… if that’s the only thing that will make you feel better, I will.”

“Please.” Tokiya doesn’t want Ren to go- but he doesn’t know how else to deal with this, other than alone. 

Ren has to pull himself away, and it doesn’t seem easy. “Call me if there’s anything that I can do, Toki. Even if it’s just to be near you.”

Tokiya is alone. Tokiya stays alone until much later that night, when Ren and Ranmaru have to enter to sleep. “I’m- I’m sorry. I’m going to sleep on the couch.” Tokiya would sit up for the first time that day, his head rushing. Luckily, he hadn’t tried to stand, because he knows he would have fallen. 

“Toki-” Ren’s voice does sound pained. “We won’t touch you, if you don’t want us to. You don’t have to leave the room.” 

Tokiya would shake his head, and he’d stand. He still doesn’t feel stable, but he’ll make it. “I’m sorry.” 

Ranmaru is quiet, and Tokiya can’t quite read his face. Clearly Ren had filled him in. 

Tokiya would exit the room, heading to the couch. 

He doesn’t sleep that night- but he feels terrible when Yuki passes by him in the morning. She looks worried, too. 

“Dad? ...Did you have a fight…?”

Tokiya would force himself to smile. “I’m sorry, sweetie, I don’t mean to worry you. I just wasn’t feeling well and I didn’t want to get Ren or Ran sick.”

“You don’t look very good.”

Tokiya would give a weak chuckle. “Then it’s a good thing I didn’t get them sick, huh? I’ll be okay. You go get ready.” 

She’d hesitate, but she would eventually move, still glancing back at Tokiya. Tokiya would wait for her to leave the living room before he’d drop his head in his hands. 

Wow. He was a terrible father, too. He never should have let her see him like this.

Tokiya would head back into his bedroom, but Ren and Ranmaru are both awake, getting ready. 

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, because Tokiya has begun crying again on the way back in the bedroom. 

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is so soft, and Tokiya’s gotten Ranmaru’s attention, too. 

Tokiya would shake his head, feeling guilty. 

“Please talk to me.” Ren begs. 

“I’m sorry. Yuki saw me. I didn’t mean for her to.”

Ren would get a bit quiet, and he’d sigh, pulling Tokiya into a hug, petting through his hair. Tokiya doesn’t stop him. “You’re going through a lot. You can’t hide all of it. I understand that you want to seem strong for her, but she knows that you’re only human, baby.”

Tokiya couldn’t hold back his cries, sobbing into Ren’s neck. Ranmaru would approach them, his chest pressed to Tokiya’s back. His hand rests on Tokiya’s waist, but the other is holding onto Ren, Tokiya held between them. For a long moment, he just cries. 

He finally calms, only hiccuping and sniffling. “I want to lie down.”

“...Are you sure?” Ren certainly doesn’t sound sure. 

“Please.” Hesitantly, they’d let him go, and Tokiya would head towards the bed. 

“I’ll call in today.” Ren would mumble, moving over to Tokiya, petting through his hair. 

“There’s no need. You should go. If you stay, it’ll only worry Yuki worse.”

“‘Course we don’t wanna freak her out- but _your_ feelings are important, too, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost stern. 

“And I feel that you two should go to work.” Tokiya would answer with a finality to his voice. 

That day, he would win, but neither Ren or Ranmaru seem happy about it. 

It’s the third night when Tokiya stands, just to move to the bathroom, and he falls. He’d stumble, hitting his head hard enough against the doorframe to startle Ren awake, and when Ren shoots up, Ranmaru would, too. Ren would climb out of bed, hurrying to Tokiya. 

Tokiya is conscious- shaken, but still aware. Too aware, really. He’d curl in on himself, crying. He didn’t want to cry, but he had hit his head hard- and he was so tired. He hadn’t slept in days. He hadn’t drank anything, and he hadn’t eaten. He felt weak and unwell. Ren’s arms wrap around Tokiya, sitting him up, but Tokiya hardly has the strength to hold himself up. 

“Tokiya-” Ren’s voice is almost horrified. 

“You’re gonna kill yourself.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds angry. “You can’t keep going like t-”

Ranmaru would get cut off by the door opening. Ranmaru had turned on the lights as he had gotten up, so all three men can clearly see the terrified look Yuki’s face. There are tears in her eyes, and she seems almost stuck in the doorway, having opened the door after hearing Ranmaru speak. Ranmaru’s up immediately, going to the door. “Dad?” Her voice is shaking. 

Ranmaru would block the entrance, leading her out of the room. His voice is a mumble, meant to be reassuring. “He’s gonna be okay- he’s just… he’s not doin’ well right now, but he’ll be alright.”

Ranmaru would close the door behind himself. Ren would lean Tokiya against the wall, and he’d swallow hard, looking over Tokiya. There was blood on the wall, where Tokiya had hit his head. “I have to take you to the hospital.” Ren would stand, gathering his clothes to quickly get dressed. 

Tokiya just stays quiet. The world is spinning, and it’s been so long since he’s had anything to drink that it hurts to even breathe. Ren would pick Tokiya up, and that’s when Tokiya would finally speak. “Yuki-” It’s somewhere between a warning and a plea.

“She’s already seen you, Toki.” Ren’s voice is grim. “I’ll try to leave fast, but you need medical attention and I’m not taking any chances by waiting.” 

Tokiya would still and quiet. Ren would exit the bedroom, and Ranmaru would have only been able to get Yuki as far as the living room. When Ren carries Tokiya out, Ranmaru would have to hold Yuki back. Tokiya’s heart would break when he would hear her cry. 

Tokiya would have to stay two days in the hospital, hooked up to fluids and watched for the concussion he had given himself. 

The days wouldn’t have bothered him much, because he’d have slept through almost all of it- and the he would have slept for some time after getting back home on the first day. It would be the first night of his return when Ren would have come up, setting his hand on Tokiya’s cheek. “Yuki really wants to come see you, baby. Can I let her?”

“I don’t want to scare her.” Tokiya would say softly. He looked better, now that he wasn’t sleep deprived and dehydrated, but he still didn’t look _well_. 

“I think you’re scaring her more not letting her see you.” Ren would say gently. “She just wants to know that you’re okay.”Don’t forget that the last time she saw you was…” 

Tokiya would wince, and he’d stay silent for a second. “Okay. Let me just… sit up.” Ren would help him. Tokiya had been sleeping a lot, and his body was sore and heavy. 

Ren would leave, only for a moment, and Yuki would be the first one to return, though Ren would enter, hanging back by the door. Yuki would walk forward, throwing her arms around Tokiya’s neck, as carefully as she can manage it. Tokiya can feel her body shake as she cries. Tokiya’s hand would come up to rest on her back. 

“I’m sorry, sweetie. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I didn’t mean to make any of you worry. I…” Tokiya would swallow. “Lost someone. My mother. And I didn’t handle it well.”

“I’m sorry, dad.” Yuki is still holding onto him, crying into his shoulder. “But please take care of yourself.” Her voice is almost a whimper. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Ren would walk forward, rubbing her back. 

“It won’t happen again.” Tokiya would promise.

“It won’t.” Ren would reaffirm, though he’s looking at Tokiya. “Ran and I are going to make sure he’s taking good care of himself, honey. You won’t need to worry about losing him for a very long time.”

Yuki would finally pull back, wiping her eyes, and she’d manage a smile at Ren. 

The next day, when Tokiya would wake up, he’d notice Ren and Ranmaru were both awake. 

“I’m calling in.” Ren would mumble. Tokiya can tell he _is_ awake, but barely. “I’m not accepting no for an answer.” He’d warn tiredly. 

“I didn’t think you would.” Tokiya would admit. “So I wasn’t going to try.”

“Good.” Ranmaru would mutter, holding Tokiya closer. Somehow, Ranmaru seems more awake than Ren. “‘Cause I’m not going in either.”

“I should tell Yuki she can stay home.” Ren would hum. “We could have a family movie day.”

“Better go fast. She’s leavin’ soon.”

Ren would groan, but he’d roll himself out of bed and throw on some clothes. From the bedroom, Tokiya can hear Ren calling out for Yuki. 

Tokiya would relax back into the bed, and Ranmaru would sigh. “You seriously scared us, y’know.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not happenin’ again. I know you went through a lot, but you could’ve hurt yourself. You were ridiculously dehydrated, Toki. I get that you don’t wanna worry us, but I’d much rather be concerned than be _scared_.”

Tokiya would drop his hand, holding onto Ranmaru’s arm. “I still don’t feel right. But I can’t stop hearing Yuki’s crying- or seeing your face, and Ren’s after I fell- I know you two are watching me too closely right now to even get close to as bad as I had gotten- but I still can’t… I can’t do that again. If I’m being honest-” Tokiya’s voice would drop. “I never really thought anyone would react if something happened to me, but seeing your reactions… I don’t want to put you through that again. Especially not Yuki.”

“And you thought you’d be a bad parent.” Ranmaru would say dryly. He’d sigh. “But I’m glad to hear that we finally got through to you. I hate that it took this to do it.”

“But it got through to him.” Ren would say from his place at the doorframe. “Yuki is going to get back in her pajamas.” Ren would give a half amused, half tired smile. “I figured that I could hang up some blankets to make the living room darker and we could watch some horror movies and order some junk food.” 

Tokiya would smile back, albeit a bit weakly. “Sounds good to me.”

Ranmaru would sigh, but he’d stand, reluctantly pulling his hand away from Tokiya, who would let him go. “Guess I’ll help.”

“I can-” 

“Keep lying down? Good idea.” Ranmaru narrows his eyes at Tokiya, almost daring him to argue. Tokiya doesn’t. 

Tokiya just sighs. “Fine.” 

Tokiya would have gotten up when they left, but he only would have changed. He’s wearing one of Ranmaru’s sweatshirts, though he’d stay in his own sweatpants. He’d lie back down until Ren would have come back to get him, and then Tokiya would have made his way to the living room. He would have sat in the middle of the couch, and Ranmaru would have sat on one side of Tokiya, and Yuki would have sat on the other, Ren making himself comfortable on the loveseat. Tokiya would have leaned into Ranmaru, but not before rubbing Yuki’s back, giving her a soft smile. She would have smiled back, but it does look sad and worried. 

Ren would have started a movie, and after the first one they would have ordered food. They’d watch a total of four movies that day, and luckily, by the third, Tokiya’s condition seems to have been mostly forgotten. Especially considering that the third movie was terrible. 

After the fourth, Tokiya would have to excuse himself to bed, but he’d press a kiss to the top of Yuki’s head, giving her another soft smile. 

“I love you, dad.” 

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

Tokiya would have cried, sitting at her wedding. She could only have one of them walk her down the aisle- and she would have chosen Ranmaru. Tokiya was glad. Ranmaru deserved it.

Ranmaru’s expression was soft, but Tokiya could tell that his eyes were glassy. Especially when he’d move to go sit in the front row next to Ren and Tokiya. 

Yuki was marrying her high school sweetheart, Misa, and Tokiya’s chest would genuinely warm at the sight. When Ranmaru would sit down, Tokiya would take his hand and squeeze it. Ranmaru and Tokiya may not have been dating Ranmaru during high school- but they had been close for even a bit longer. Tokiya hoped, for Yuki’s sake, that they worked out. But the way that Yuki looked at Misa reminded Tokiya of the way that he looked at Ranmaru, and Ren. He had faith. 

Later that night, Yuki would have approached Tokiya and Ranmaru at their table. Ren was off, chatting with some of the guests. Tokiya and Ranmaru weren’t quite as social, preferring to speak among themselves. 

Tokiya would smile at her, happily. “How are you feeling?”

“Over the moon.” Yuki’s returning smile is bright. Her dress was beautiful, a pale light yellow. Misa’s had been a light pink. It was a light colored wedding- not entirely conventional, but all three of her fathers had always insisted that she stay true to herself. If this is what made her and Misa happy, it made them happy. “I… wanted to thank you. There’s a lot I want to thank you for- but this one in specific is because you taught me what I should be looking for in love.” Her smile would soften as she sits, resting her head on her hand. “The way you always looked at each other- I can’t imagine looking at anyone but Misa like that. And thanks to you, I gave her a chance, because you taught me that it was about the _person_.” She’d glance at where Ren was standing, chatting with a member of Misa’s family. Her mother, maybe? “People. I’m glad you were the ones that adopted me.” Her eyes would tear up a bit, and she’d give a light laugh and a closed eye smile. “There was a lot of love growing up. And thanks to that, I’m going to get to continue it. I couldn’t have asked for better dads.” 

Ranmaru was crying now. Yuki would stand to wrap her arms around Tokiya and Ranmaru in a hug. 

“‘M real proud of you, kiddo.” Ranmaru would say, his voice a bit strained, his throat thick with emotion. 

“You’ve grown into a beautiful woman. I think you’ve made a wonderful choice.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. “We love you, darling.”

“I love you, too, dad.”

They never left Ranmaru’s house. It was going on forty years of being married, and Tokiya and Ren were sitting together on the couch, hands interlaced. They looked significantly older- not that it really bothered them. 

Ranmaru was showing his age, too- though only by appearance. He had even stopped dying his hair, and it was now a dark brown. He was sat on the floor, playing with his five year old grandson, the boy’s mothers sitting on the loveseat together. They were going on nearly twenty years married, and they were on their third adopted child. The first one had been a twelve year old boy, and the second was an eight year old girl. There certainly hadn’t been a lack of children. 

Tokiya, forty years ago, wouldn’t have ever believed that he’d have grandkids. He still doesn’t think he could take care of a toddler. He doesn’t think he ever could have- but he loved Yuki, and he did love his grandkids. 

It warmed his heart, seeing how happy Yuki was with her wife.

It made him happy, watching Ranmaru play with his grandson, a smile on his face. 

Ren’s expression made him happy, too. The fond look in his eyes, gazing at Ranmaru. 

Tokiya’s head would rest against Ren’s shoulder. 

“Thank you.” His voice is almost a whisper. “You really did change my life for the better, Ren.”

“You’ve made _me_ one of the happiest men in the world, Toki.” Ren would press a kiss to Tokiya’s temple, squeezing his hand. 

“Oi.” Ranmaru would look up, “None of this soft stuff yet. Don’t go talkin’ like we’re done yet. We’ve still got a good thirty years in us.”

Tokiya would snort. “Thirty years?”

“At least.” Ranmaru would raise an eyebrow, challenging Tokiya. 

“Then I guess I have thirty more years of soft stuff left.” Tokiya’s voice is teasing. “I love you, Ran.”

“Tch.” Ranmaru would shake his head, and Yuki would giggle at the red on Ranmaru’s face, Ren joining in on Tokiya’s amused smile. “I love you, too. _I guess._”

Tokiya would laugh.


	29. Chapter Twenty Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings ; gory descriptions/injuries

Tokiya didn’t recognize where he was. It was a bedroom, but it was unlike anyone he had seen- and when he felt an arm around his waist, he didn’t panic. It was a familiar feeling, especially when Tokiya would turn over and see Ranmaru. Ranmaru was awake, watching Tokiya, and Tokiya would move closer, his nose pressing against the crook of Ranmaru’s neck- but Tokiya’s voice is quiet and shaky when he speaks, discreetly, to Ranmaru. 

“Where are we?”

Ranmaru’s hand would move comfortingly over Tokiya’s back. “We aren’t really anywhere.”

Tokiya would actually move back a bit, trying to see Ranmaru’s face. He’d take a second, and Tokiya affirms that he doesn’t have anything keeping him to the bed. “We shouldn’t stay here.” Tokiya is starting to feel a bit panicked, and Ranmaru’s calm isn’t helping. 

Tokiya would move, trying to get off of the bed, but Ranmaru’s hand is on his arm in an instant, and he’s pulled back, but the hold Ranmaru has him in is a constrictive hold. “Don’t.” Ranmaru’s voice is commanding, and it would make Tokiya freeze. 

“What-?”

“You need to stay on the bed. Look at the door.” Ranmaru hasn’t released Tokiya, but Tokiya would look at the door. All of his apprehension towards Ranmaru’s reactions is gone as he backs into Ranmaru, his back pressed against Ranmaru’s chest- and Ranmaru’s arms tighten further, keeping Tokiya close. There’s a window on the dark door, and there is a figure outside of it. At first, it seems shadowed, but as it presses closer Tokiya can see the skin, peeling in parts and missing in others, and so rotted that he can almost imagine what it smells like. One of her eyes seems to be missing and the other is bloodshot and dark. Her hair is matted with blood and some pieces of her scalp seems to be missing, her nose entirely ripped off and lips pulled back into a snarl. Tokiya would let out an involuntary whimper. 

Ranmaru’s grip would loosen, just slightly, and Tokiya would take the chance to turn himself around, burying his head into Ranmaru’s chest. He’s shaking slightly- that woman shouldn’t be alive, but she must be. She was clearly reacting, trying to get inside. “What is that?” 

“What it is isn’t important. You can’t let ‘em get you.”

“Ranmaru, what’s going on?” Tokiya’s voice holds clear upset, and he’s panicking. 

“I’m not Ranmaru.” Was this a sick joke? Ranmaru doesn’t seem to be done, but Tokiya would speak anyways. 

“This isn’t funny.”

“I’m not joking. I’m your protector- I look like Ranmaru because this is a person you trust.” 

Tokiya’s eyes would burn with tears, and he’d struggle backwards, but Ranmaru wouldn’t let him move. “Calm down.”

“How am I supposed to calm down?” Tokiya is absolutely panicking now. “Please tell me this is some kind of sick joke, Ran.” Tokiya would start to sob, and Ranmaru would just hold him. 

“I’m sorry, Tokiya. I was tryin’ to make you feel better.”

When the banging on the door starts, Tokiya’s cries would almost drown it out. He’d cry himself to exhaustion, and Ranmaru’s hand, petting through his hair, would put him into an uneasy sleep. He doesn’t dream. 

When he wakes up again, the situation is the same. He’s held, tightly in Ranmaru’s grip, and when he turns his head, he notices that the woman is still there. If he looks closely, he thinks he can see more figures than just her outside. 

When Ranmaru lets Tokiya look at the door, Tokiya is reminded that he really isn’t Ranmaru. Ranmaru wouldn’t have even let him look- because Ranmaru would know that it would freak Tokiya out. 

Interestingly, directly after Tokiya thinks it, Ranmaru would turn him again, to face Ranmaru. Was he learning from Tokiya’s thoughts? That would almost make Tokiya a bit uncomfortable. He’d brush it off. 

Tokiya wanted to know where he was, and he wanted to know where Ranmaru really was- he wanted to know how this Ranmaru looked like Ranmaru, and sounded like him. Tokiya wanted to know what those people outside were, and why Ranmaru wouldn’t let him leave the bed. 

He wanted to know why he wasn’t hungry, or thirsty, despite it clearly having been at least a day with nothing. And lying in bed for so long should have made him sore, but he wasn’t. He didn’t feel much of anything. 

“I’m scared.” Tokiya would say weakly. 

“I know.” Ranmaru would sigh, running his hands through Tokiya’s hair. 

Tokiya would think back to the last time he was upset. It was over something simple, nothing more than a bad day. Ranmaru had kissed his forehead and had pet through Tokiya’s hair- like he was doing now. The memory would send an uncomfortable pang through Tokiya’s chest. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure if he should let this Ranmaru comfort him, or hold him the way that he was, if this Ranmaru wasn’t _his_ Ranmaru. But in an unfamiliar place and with this Ranmaru being the only familiar thing, Tokiya couldn’t bring it in himself to pull away. He needed something, so that he wouldn’t be alone. 

Tokiya’s chest would constrict. “If you aren’t Ranmaru, then is Ranmaru okay…?”

“I don’t know.” Ranmaru’s response is a bit flat. “I’m here for you, Tokiya. I don’t know anything about Ranmaru- where he is, or what he’s doing. I’ve never once met him.”

Tokiya would get quiet for a long moment. “You said you were my protector…?”

“Yeah. My job is to keep you safe- by keepin’ you here in this bed, away from all the things outside ‘a that door.”

“I can’t just stay here.”

“Why not?” Ranmaru’s response is gruff. “You’re safe, ‘s long as you stay here. If you leave this bed, I can’t promise your safety.”

“I have to find Ranmaru- to get back to my life. I’ve got things I need to do, outside of this room, wherever it is.” Tokiya would frown. “I can’t stay here.” He’d echo.

“You can.” Ranmaru’s voice is a demand, and his arms would tighten around Tokiya again. Tokiya wasn’t planning to run, but Ranmaru didn’t seem to trust that. “I’m trying to keep you safe.” He sounds frustrated. “A sentiment I’m sure that _your_ Ranmaru would appreciate.”

That feels like a blow. Tokiya would struggle against Ranmaru, but then his attitude would change, and his tone would soften. “Toki- Listen to me, babe.” Tokiya would stop struggling because of the physical response. Of course Ranmaru _sounded_ like Ranmaru- but this was different. 

Tokiya remembers where this is from. 

Ranmaru had helped Tokiya through panic attacks before, and that was typically the way he’d get Tokiya’s attention during them. The same words. The same tone. Tokiya is crying, but he isn’t struggling anymore- it feels like the breath is knocked out of him. “If you’re supposed to be here for me- this is cruel.”

The hurt expression on Ranmaru’s face would hurt Tokiya. Tokiya wants it to leave. “What does that mean?”

“You’re using my weaknesses against me-”

“Ranmaru is your weakness?” His eyebrow would raise. 

“You’re… finding and hitting my weak points. Using him against me.”

“To keep you safe.”

“So you keep saying, but so far, I just feel hurt.”

“Is that really what you think?”

“Yes.”

Ranmaru’s lips would press into a thin line. Even knowing that this wasn’t _Ranmaru_, Tokiya still felt the loss when Ranmaru would pull back his arms. Tokiya would turn, not getting off the bed, but putting his back to Ranmaru. 

Tokiya isn’t sure how long it is, but he hears strange noises. His eyes are closed, but there’s shuffling. His eyes would snap open when he thinks he hears the door opening. His heart beats, fearful, when he sees that the door _is_ open. He sees a different figure- a man. His limbs are twisted, sharp bone fragments sticking out from the skin. One of his eyes dangles, outside of its socket. Some of his teeth are missing, and one ear is gone, blood dried and travelling down his neck. 

Tokiya would turn, searching for Ranmaru, and Ranmaru’s arms would reach out, holding him down. 

Tokiya would panic, struggling against him- because as the man would approach the bed, Ranmaru is keeping Tokiya stuck. “Ranmaru, please, please don’t do this-” Tokiya would search Ranmaru’s face, but he’d freeze, his pleas quieting when he really sees Ranmaru’s face. His eyes are blue. 

“Who are you-?” Tokiya’s voice is strained, but Ranmaru simply smiles, and he turns onto his back, turning Tokiya as he goes. Tokiya’s back is pressed against Ranmaru’s chest, and Ranmaru’s arms are restrictive. 

The man goes for Tokiya’s stomach, digging in with jagged, uneven, sharp nails, reaching into his torso- and Tokiya screams. It’s a pained, horrible screech, but Tokiya can’t struggle away from it. Tokiya feels like the pain goes on forever as the man begins to rearrange his insides, moving things into places that they shouldn’t be, and Tokiya feels wet with his own blood, his shirt ripped to shreds- and then the man is no longer on Tokiya, just as Tokiya begins to believe that it’s over. Tokiya is dropped onto the bed, and he can hardly even register the fact that there are _two_ of Ranmaru now- Tokiya just lets his body relax, overwhelmed with pain and exhaustion. Was this it?

Tokiya would close his eyes, ready to give in. He’d feel a hand on his cheek, “Not yet, Tokiya.”

Tokiya would frown. He would argue with that sentiment. Of course Tokiya didn’t want to die- but he didn’t want to hold on right now either. Not with this pain. But he’d open his eyes. 

The door is closed. There’s only one Ranmaru. The room was spinning, and moving, and Tokiya didn’t think that was right. 

Ranmaru’s hand would move to Tokiya’s stomach, holding the ripped open skin together, and Tokiya thinks that he can feel it mending. 

“Huh?” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse and strained, from pain and from his screams. 

Ranmaru is quiet, and he’s grim. But Tokiya’s stomach is healing, and Tokiya doesn’t quite understand why. 

Tokiya watches Ranmaru with tired eyes. “Why-”

“Save the questions for tomorrow. You’re still gonna be in a weakened state for a while, but you can sleep without worryin’ about not wakin’ up.” 

“I need to see your face.” Tokiya says quietly. Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow, but he’d get closer, hovering over Tokiya. Tokiya would stare into his eyes. One is grey, and one is a type of pink. It’s not perfect- because Ranmaru’s eyes were both grey, as Tokiya had come to learn quickly, but it was alright, because Ranmaru _did_ often have multiple colored eyes. They were Ranmaru’s eyes. 

Tokiya would let out a sigh of relief, blinking back tears. Ranmaru would hover over Tokiya for a long moment before he’d finally pull away, making his way back to his normal spot on the bed. Tokiya would relax further, having him back, and even though his embrace isn’t comfortable, because of the lingering pain, Tokiya doesn’t argue. 

The next morning Tokiya would ask Ranmaru about yesterday. “What happened?” His voice is no longer hoarse. His stomach appears to be untouched. 

Ranmaru would sigh. “Y’met two people from outside.”

“One of them was you.” 

“Yeah. You weren’t sure about me, and they used that. Tried to strengthen it. Some ‘a them are after you physically, like the guy that damn near gutted you. And some ‘a them are more emotionally manipulative.”

“His eyes weren’t right. They were the wrong color.”

“‘Cause he can’t see in your head.” Tokiya would look at Ranmaru’s eyes- today, they’re both grey. So he supposes that this Ranmaru _could_ see in his head. “He never got close enough to see any eye color, so he just copied what he could. Obviously wasn’t perfect.”

“Where were you?” Tokiya would have to blink back tears. He’s trying to keep his voice from becoming blaming- because at the end of the day- he _had_ showed up. And he wasn’t Ranmaru. Ranmaru wouldn’t have left- even when Tokiya had gotten angry. This man wasn’t his Ranmaru. 

“You pushed me out. Wasn’t much I could do.” Ranmaru would grumble. “Hate to say it, but I hope you learned some sort ‘a lesson with that. If you make me leave, I have ‘ta.”

Tokiya would get silent. “Am I allowed to move around the room?” 

“No.” 

Tokiya would sigh. “Can I have a moment? I… I’m not trying to ask you to leave- I’d just like to move to my own corner of the bed for a moment.” Tokiya had known that Ranmaru wouldn’t let him get up, but it frustrated him because Ranmaru had been moving around, when he was taking care of Tokiya’s wound. Tokiya didn’t understand that either- but he was torn. He wanted to be upset and cross with Ranmaru, but he was afraid to push him away again and get a repeat of last night. 

“...Alright. Not for long.” Ranmaru’s arms would hesitantly pull away from Tokiya, and he’d sit against the back of the bed, a bit away from Tokiya. Tokiya would curl in on himself and he’d start to cry. He hears Ranmaru shift, and it only makes Tokiya cry harder- 

“I’m sorry. But you’re like… a twisted version of him.” Tokiya’s voice is almost broken. “There’s so much of you that reminds me of him- but there’s so much of you that doesn’t. Things that Ranmaru wouldn’t say, or wouldn’t do. It… kind of makes the things that he would do worse. And I don’t understand what’s going on, and you haven’t told me anything but cryptic things that aren’t really answers-” Tokiya knew he shouldn’t be talking about this, but he couldn’t help it. 

He wanted _Ranmaru_. Not someone with Ranmaru’s face, who acted like Ranmaru but clearly didn’t think like him. Like an AI, programmed to be like Ranmaru- but programmed by someone like _Tokiya_, who knew Ranmaru well, but not as well as Ranmaru knew himself. 

“...” Tokiya isn’t sure if Ranmaru’s silence comes from his own feelings at Tokiya’s outburst, or if he stays quiet for Tokiya. Miserably, Tokiya thinks about how Ranmaru would react. 

He’d probably tell Tokiya to snap out of it.

“He wouldn’t.” Ranmaru would say tiredly. “He’d realize that you’re justified in feelin’ like this. You’re confused and scared and you’re lashin’ out. It’s a normal response.”

Tokiya tries to ignore the hurt in his chest when Ranmaru speaks. Tokiya hadn’t directly thought that. 

“If you really want me to act just like him, I can. I don’t think it would help you any.”

“Why act off…?”

“Because it reminds you I’m not him. So when I’m tellin’ you things you don’t like- I’m not Ranmaru telling you them.” His voice turns flat. 

Tokiya would get quiet again. It would take him a long minute, but he’d turn, pressing his forehead against Ranmaru’s upper arm and closing his eyes. 

When he wakes up, he doesn’t feel right. He feels slow, and sluggish, and all he can seem to do is press himself further into Ranmaru’s chest. 

His first thought would almost make him laugh- a borderline hysterical laugh. 

“Did you drug me?” His voice is slurred. He doesn’t quite believe it, but if he had to imagine being drugged, this is what it would feel like. 

Ranmaru would have gotten suspiciously quiet, but he’d finally answer. “Yeah.”

Tokiya is shocked. A laugh would bubble up in his chest, but he’d try to push himself up. Ranmaru’s grip isn’t tight, but it keeps Tokiya held down. “Why?” It’s almost a whimper. “Please don’t tell me it was to keep me safe.”

“You still want to leave. I’m tryin’ to come up with ways to make you stay.” 

“This isn’t the way.” Tokiya’s grip is weak, and the shake of his head is sluggish. “Forcing me isn’t going to help.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“You didn’t trust me.” Tokiya would mumble. His eyes close of their own accord. 

“You’re right.” Ranmaru would say, his voice a bit grim. “I didn’t.”

“You don’t.”

Ranmaru would sigh. “You want to leave.” He’d repeat. 

“Of course I do. But you’ve made it clear that I’m going to be in danger walking out of the door, and I’ve got every reason to believe that.” Tokiya is exhausting too much energy talking to cry, but he’s so _frustrated_. He’s tired of just lying there, doing nothing. 

He misses Ranmaru. He misses working- if he lays down for too long, won’t his muscles start to atrophy? He could have to entirely relearn how to walk. Tokiya didn’t want that. He was sick of looking at this room, and this bed. He had lost track of just how long he had even been in this room. 

“I just can’t risk you trying.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost soft, and Tokiya recognizes it. He’s trying to guilt Tokiya. 

Tokiya would swallow hard, but he’d stay quiet for a long moment. “This isn’t the answer.” His voice sounds almost lost. “Please.”

“...I won’t do it again.” Tokiya believes him, for no other reason than pure want. 

In his weakened state, it isn’t hard to fall asleep. When he wakes up, he still feels a bit sluggish, but not nearly as terrible as he had before. 

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” Tokiya would mumble, not bothering to try to move away from Ranmaru. 

“There’s no real easy way to explain it.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. “There’s no way I really can.”

Tokiya is frustrated. “Can’t you just tell me? What reason is there for you to hide it?”

“Doesn’t that phrase sound familiar?” Ranmaru’s voice is dry, and it would make Tokiya go silent. “Ranmaru’s said something that before, hasn’t he? When you try ‘t hide what you’re thinkin’?”

Tokiya’s jaw would set. 

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to do.” Tokiya’s upset is clear. “Sometimes you try to act sweet, to get me to listen to you. Other times you try to insist you’re just trying to protect me, and then there are times like this- where you try to distract me by _bullying_ me.”

“I’m usin’ what I think will work. If it’s not working- maybe you don’t know yourself as well as you think you do.” 

Tokiya would rip himself away from Ranmaru, not able to entirely get away, but he’s facing away from Ranmaru. He’d fall quiet, and no matter what tricks Ranmaru would try to use- Tokiya wouldn’t bother to listen. 

It does take some time, but Tokiya slowly begins to realize that he feels terrible. He had felt fine for some time- and perhaps it was because he was getting along with Ranmaru. Perhaps it was Ranmaru, keeping him feeling okay. 

But Tokiya wouldn’t speak to Ranmaru. He wouldn’t listen, or respond. He’d cringe away from his touch the best that he could. 

On one particular time, after he had woken up, Ranmaru’s touch would have retreated. Tokiya felt sick. His body was heavy, and even though he had just woken up, he felt like he could go back to sleep. 

“This is it, isn’t it?” Tokiya’s voice is so hoarse. It’s the first time he’s spoken in some time. 

He’d turn his head, but the bed is empty. 

Tokiya would laugh, a weak, barely there laugh. He’d turn his head- the door is open but nothing is coming in. Nothing is outside of the door. 

If Tokiya goes to sleep, he isn’t going to wake back up. 

He’d close his eyes. 

Tokiya can picture the last time that he had seen Ranmaru in his head as if it had just happened. Ranmaru was going to visit his mother and sister, though Tokiya was subconsciously doing his best to make sure that Ranmaru was late. Ranmaru was going to be gone for three days- and Tokiya was trying to keep him as long as he could, his lips pressed to Ranmaru in many short, soft kisses, their hands interlaced.

“I’m going to miss you.” Tokiya would sigh. 

“It’s only three days.” Ranmaru would sigh, pressing a kiss to the tip of Tokiya’s nose. “You’re makin’ this harder than it needs to be.”

“It _is_ hard. I’m glad that you’re going to see your family, but it’s going to be a long three days.”

“We’ve got the rest ‘a our lives, Toki. We can survive three of them.” Ranmaru would snort.

“I love you, Ran.”

“I love you, too, Toki. I’ll be back real soon.”

Tokiya would have finally, begrudgingly, let Ranmaru leave- with a few more kisses, but then Ranmaru would have left. 

It wouldn’t have even been long enough for Ranmaru to have texted Tokiya that he had arrived safely when Tokiya would have heard noises coming from downstairs. 

Tokiya knew how to defend himself. Ranmaru had been very serious about Tokiya knowing how to, especially being in a gay relationship. But Ranmaru had also insisted that if Tokiya _could_ avoid a fight, he should. 

This time, Tokiya didn’t have the option. He wasn’t really able to fight, either. He had tried to hide, locking himself in his bedroom, but they had broken down the door, and Tokiya was met with two men and a gun. 

Tokiya would open his eyes. He couldn’t remember what had happened after that.

Or rather, he could. Because he had woken up in this room. 

Tokiya would push himself up. If he were really going to die, he wasn’t going to allow himself to die without trying to do… something. He wasn’t quite sure what that was going to be, but it wasn’t going to be dying in this bed. 

He’d swing his legs over the bed, and he’d shakily stand, stumbling over to the door. He doesn’t get more than a step outside before he’s met with blinding light and a heaviness that would shoot through his body, forcing him to his knees, and he’d manage to roll himself to his back before realizing that he wasn’t quite where he thought he was. 

The ceiling is white, and the blinding light was from the lamps and the stark white of the room. Tokiya looks around, to see what he can without moving his head, but it’s mostly ceiling. He hears machines, whirring and beeping, and if he focuses, he can hear a conversation outside of the room. 

“Have you made your decision?” 

“...I haven’t.” Tokiya’s heart would leap, and he can hear a monitor pick up his increased heart beat, but it isn’t quite quick enough to gain the attention of the men outside- Ranmaru one of them. 

“You should make it soon. It is… unlikely that he’s going to wake up. It’s been months, Mr. Kurosaki. If he stays under much longer, he’s likely to suffer from brain injuries, if he does ever wake up.”

“You’re asking me to kill him.” Ranmaru’s voice is pained. “I need longer than a few days to decide on that.”

Tokiya tries to speak up, but he can’t. His throat hurts, and it’s so dry that he can’t even begin to speak. He’s managed to tilt his head down, wincing at the soreness of his entire body, and he’d take in his room better. He can’t see Ranmaru outside of the room, but he can see that he’s hooked up to quite a few machines, and quite a few IVs, as well. He can feel the mask assisting his breathing. He tries to see if there’s any water, but because he had apparently been out for months, there wasn’t much in preparation for him to wake up. He also notices a bag, obviously Ranmaru’s. 

Ranmaru must have excused himself from the conversation, because he reenters the room, just to grab his bag. Tokiya manages a pained, choked noise, almost in a surprised noise to seeing Ranmaru. A desperation for Ranmaru to look at him, and he does, looking startled. His eyes are both grey, and his hair isn’t styled. 

Ranmaru would almost stumble over himself, moving forward, and his hand would rest on Tokiya’s head, barely even touching him. Ranmaru’s eyes are shiny, and his voice is hushed. 

“Tokiya? Oh thank god.” Ranmaru would pull himself away, but seeing Tokiya’s panicked expression would reassure him. “‘M just gettin’ a nurse.” Ranmaru would settle on using the button to call for one, which Tokiya would realize he probably should have tried, but he also does realize when he tries to lift his hand that it may be easier said than done.

Ranmaru would settle on holding Tokiya’s hand as tightly as he dared while he waited for the nurse, but when the nurse comes in, Ranmaru forces himself back, sitting down in a chair. 

There’s quite a lot of time where Tokiya is fussed over, poked, prodded and tested by doctors and nurses alike- but at least he’d have gotten some water. They would have used Ranmaru to help them with their tests, because Tokiya was confused and scared and Ranmaru helped keep him calm. 

Finally, the doctors would have given him some time, Ranmaru the only one in the room. They had stretched the visiting hours for today only, because of the serious situation. 

“I have so many questions.” Tokiya would say quietly. He isn’t so sure why he’s nervous, but he is. 

Ranmaru is sat beside his bed, his fingers interlaced with Tokiya’s. “I’ll do my best to answer ‘em.”

“I heard you talking with the doctor. What was that about?”

“...” Ranmaru would sigh, and for a second, Tokiya is worried that he isn’t going to answer, but he does. “They wanted me to take you off life support. Said that you were out too long to keep up hope that you were gonna wake up. It was going on months- think they were tryin’ to help me, actually.” Ranmaru’s voice would get grim. “To make the decision before you did. ‘Bout a week ago you had almost died. Think you might ‘a, for about a minute. They brought you back, but they were expecting you to do something like that again, I guess.” Ranmaru’s jaw would tighten. “I wasn’t there when it happened. That’s becomin’ a theme.”

Tokiya would manage a very light squeeze. He has very little strength in any of his muscles, only able to move very slightly. His grip wasn’t tight enough to hold a cup as of the moment. 

“Ran- how often _were_ you here, over these months?” Tokiya is almost afraid of his answer. 

“For the first month, almost every day. After that, I went down to about two or three days a week.”

“I do appreciate you still coming- though I’m sure I wasn’t great company. I’m very thankful, too, that you were able to spend time _not_ with me.” Tokiya’s voice was weakened and soft from its time of non-use. His eyes would search Ranmaru’s face. “You look well. ...Tired. But you look like you’ve been taking care of yourself. Thank you, Ran.”

Ranmaru’s face would soften, a soft blush spreading across his face, and he’d almost grumble. “Wanted to save myself the lectures from ya when you woke up.”

Tokiya would smile, but it would falter. “What happened, Ran?”

“I tried to text you.” Ranmaru’s voice is grim, and his face has changed to mimic that. “You never responded and I couldn’t get a hold of ya, so I went home earlier.” There’s a dark look in Ranmaru’s eyes. “I guess someone saw me leave and tried to break in. I got home to you on the floor, shot. I think you hit your head against the table when you fell. I don’t know how long you were out when I got there.”

“That must have been terrifying.” Tokiya would frown. 

Ranmaru would scoff. “‘M not gonna say it wasn’t- but I think that’s what I should be saying to you. ‘M sorry I let that happen. It’s never going to happen again, I promise.” Ranmaru was on Tokiya’s right side, and Tokiya would get his fingers to bend, in the pretense of tightening his grip, but his fingertips would brush against Ranmaru’s wedding band. 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Still. I should’ve asked you to come with me. Made sure you weren’t alone.”

“I suppose we can use this to learn next time.”

“Yeah.”

They’d fall quiet, but it isn’t uncomfortable. 

As Tokiya begins to heal, he’d ask Ranmaru about how he had been doing. Ranmaru wouldn’t have directly admitted that it had been rough, but Tokiya could tell that it wasn’t easy. It seemed to be a lot of mundane, repetitive patterns. Ranmaru would have admitted that he was glad to have Tokiya back. That being in the same room with Tokiya had been a comfort, but having Tokiya _respond_ to him meant a lot. 

Tokiya would have gotten better, and a lot of it was thanks to Ranmaru. Ranmaru couldn’t be there for all of Tokiya’s therapy sessions in the hospital, but he’d go to any of them that he could. His two to three days had increased, closer to about five days a week, and it would likely be more if Tokiya hadn’t insisted that Ranmaru could take some time for himself. 

Eventually, Tokiya would be released home, though still on a strict physical therapy regime. Ranmaru was good at making sure that Tokiya upkept the at-home schedule, too. 

Tokiya would have leaned against Ranmaru. He doesn’t remember anything, hardly even the event that had put him into the coma, but especially nothing of while he was in the coma. 

He couldn’t deny that something about being with Ranmaru was more satisfying than it should be. There was a type of desperation to be close to Ranmaru. 

“Can I get up?” They had been together in bed, and Tokiya had a sense of claustrophobia of the room. He had been glancing towards the door, and Ranmaru’s arms had seemed almost constrictive. 

Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow, but he’d release Tokiya. “Yeah. You don’t need to ask.”

Tokiya would pause, but not for long, because he’d leave the room. He’d hear Ranmaru sit up, hear Ranmaru follow him out. Tokiya would lean against the wall outside of the bedroom, a sense of fear washing over him. Ranmaru would put his hand on Tokiya’s shoulder, clearly concerned. “Toki- you doin’ okay?”

Tokiya would move, holding onto Ranmaru. It was a slow moving retreat, but his fear was beginning to subside. 

He’d press his head to Ranmaru’s chest. “Yes- I… I don’t know what came over me, but thank you- I’m…” Tokiya would close his eyes, holding tightly onto Ranmaru. It’s a bit forced, the small smile he’d give, but it would become just a bit more real when Ranmaru’s hand would move to his head, petting through his hair. “I’ll be okay.”


	30. Chapter Thirty

Tokiya was unfairly young when he had died. He had died in a car crash, only a block away from his home. It wasn’t even anyone’s fault- his own included. Tokiya had been going an appropriate speed, only a mile or two under the speed limit, and the warning signal hadn’t come on in his car. 

He could have sworn he had checked the brakes- he was sure that the mechanic that had checked his car only a few months ago had checked his breaks, too. But when he had went to slow, he had heard a horrible screech, and a snap- and had hit a tree dead on. He had tried to pull the emergency break, but he hadn’t reached it in time before the front end of his car had slammed into the wood. He had survived the initial impact, but the tree hadn’t withstood the blow, and when it brought the roof down, it had brought it down above Tokiya’s head. If the brain damage hadn’t killed him, his broken neck would have. 

When he would have climbed out of the car, it wasn’t him. At least, not his body. Yet, when he would have turned, he didn’t see anyone in the car. It was confusing. 

But Tokiya knew he hadn’t survived. The door that he thought he had opened had remained firmly closed. Tokiya doesn’t feel right, but he’d begin to walk- until he’s stopped with a hand on his shoulder. He’d jump a bit, but then he’d turn to face the person trying to get his attention with a furrowed brow. 

“Hello?”

The man standing in front of him looked like any other person. He was dressed in head to toe black- a heavy jacket with heavier boots. “Tokiya?” His voice is deep and striking- similarly to his eyes. One almost shined, such a bright pink next to the duller grey. 

“Yes?” Tokiya’s voice is uncertain. He had been an idol, so it wasn’t uncommon for strangers to know his name, but this man didn’t seem like a fan. He was wearing such a grim expression.

“You’re dead.” The man’s voice is flat. 

Tokiya wasn’t surprised. A bit confused, sure, and not necessarily happy to be given the news so bluntly, but he had assumed that something wasn’t right. Being dead would explain that. 

“And who exactly are you to tell me that?” Tokiya’s voice is a bit cold. That’s often the tone it took with strangers after he had retired. Most people had gotten his cold side because there weren’t any real consequences anymore. He didn’t need them to buy his cds, or to watch him in concert. He no longer needed people to like him. 

“‘M the grim reaper. Well, not really, because that’s not actually a thing- but I do what your grim reaper would.”

“Then if you aren’t the grim reaper, what would I call you?”

“Ranmaru.”

“So if you’re like the grim reaper- then you’re here to take me?”

“I’m here to ask you to come with me. I can’t make you.”

“And if I decline?”

“You’re stuck here. No one else is gonna see you, and the longer you stay the more pain you’re gonna be in.” Ranmaru is blunt about it. 

“And this is it? I have to make the decision now?”

“No. You can make it at anytime, but I’d recommend it be soon.”

“Then for now, I’d like to decline.” Tokiya would look away from Ranmaru, and then his voice would drop. It’s not cold- it’s actually almost vulnerable. “I’m not ready to go yet.”

Ranmaru would sigh a bit. “Yeah. I hear that a lot. Well y’know my name. When you’re ready to go, give me a call.”

Tokiya would nod, but when he looks back, Ranmaru is already gone. He’d continue his walk, heading home. He’d open the door, but he doesn’t bother to shut it. He was right not to, because when he’d glance over his shoulder, the door is closed. 

Tokiya would sit on the couch. He isn’t sure how long he’s just sat there, but it must be hours. When Ren comes home, Tokiya’s chest constricts painfully. Ren doesn’t look particularly upset- so Tokiya can only imagine that Ren has no idea. Tokiya would put his head in his hands. 

Later that night, Ren would get the call. 

Tokiya almost wishes he had left. He had seen Ren upset- he had seen Ren miserable, and angry, and happy and sick and there had been once or twice where he had even seen Ren inconsolable. 

He had never seen Ren as crushed as he was when he had gotten the call that Tokiya had died. 

It had taken months for Ren to start to be okay again. He had been so robotic at first. He would do something on impulse, like plate two breakfasts, or sit up in bed to wait for Tokiya, only to remember that Tokiya wouldn’t be coming- and he’d break down when he had realized his mistake. 

Tokiya wanted to try to comfort Ren, but he was frustratingly helpless. It had taken less than a year for Tokiya to understand exactly what Ranmaru had meant, about beginning to feel terrible. 

He felt weak, at first. A bit like having a cold, but then it would only get worse and worse. He’d begin to have a stomachache, and then he’d find himself sitting more. It would be a few years in that he would finally get bedridden. 

He had used to be able to follow Ren around, even when Ren was outside of the house, but now he was restricted to seeing Ren when Ren would lie down for bed. Tokiya had learned to sleep during the day and to stay awake at night. He’d embrace Ren- but only sometimes. He noticed that it made Ren cold, but sometimes it was hard to control himself. He couldn’t feel Ren- but the action itself brought Tokiya some comfort. More than he thought he’d have if he left. 

Ranmaru visited Tokiya often, to check and see if it was too much, yet. He seemed a bit exasperated. 

“Why do you keep visiting me?” Tokiya’s voice is almost hoarse. “If I’ve made it this far, why do you think I’ll change my mind?”

“I don’t.” Ranmaru would admit. “I think you’re gonna be stubborn, and you’re gonna stay here until your partner bites it. Even though I don’t see why. I could just tell ‘im where to find ya when he goes.” Tokiya would make a face, and Ranmaru would roll his eyes. “I keep visiting you because I know staying ain’t easy. ‘Specially when you can’t talk to anyone. Guess I’m taking pity on you.”

Tokiya gives a short laugh, and his voice is dry. “Thanks.”

“Ya gotta admit that it’s better ‘n nothin’, though.”

“...I suppose. It’s harder than I expected to be so close to someone and to be entirely unseen. I never realized just how used to being seen I was.” Tokiya’s voice is reminiscent. Ranmaru just listens. 

They’d begin to talk a bit more, with Tokiya telling stories of how he used to be in a band with Ren, and of stories from his idol days. He’d tell Ranmaru about his wedding day with Ren. 

“I wasn’t nervous about marrying Ren- but I was nervous about walking in front of all of those people and proclaiming my love for him.” Tokiya would have given a weak laugh. There are tears in his eyes, but a small, distant smile on his face. “My mother was there. She had never said anything, but I could tell she was surprised that I was marrying another man. There were a lot of outraged fans, even though we had waited until we were both retired for almost two years. I had stressed myself out with making sure that everything was perfect, and I suppose I went too far.” Tokiya would bring a heavy hand up to wipe his eyes, and he’d laugh again, giving a very slight shake of his head. “I had a panic attack, less than an hour before I was supposed to meet Ren at the altar. I had three different wedding party members try to calm me down before everyone gave in and called Ren. He had come in, kneeled down in front of me, and he asked me if I loved him. When I told him of course, he told me that he loved me, too, and that was the only thing that mattered. As long as we had each other, everything about the wedding would be perfect. It was cheesy. Ren is really good at being cheesy.”

A flash of pain would cross Tokiya’s face. 

“I wish I could talk to him again. I miss talking to him.”

Ranmaru would stay silent for a long moment. “I’ll… I’ll be back tonight. Alright?”

“Alright?” Tokiya is confused, but Ranmaru is gone. 

Ranmaru would come back that night, when Ren was already asleep. Ranmaru would appear by Ren, and Tokiya would force himself to sit up. It feels impossible, but his fear spurs him on. 

“Ranmaru?” Tokiya’s voice is tight and afraid. He’d manage to move forward, hovering over Ren. “Please don’t.” He’s begging.

Ranmaru would sigh. “Calm down. ‘M not here to kill him. I couldn’t if I wanted to, anyways. I’m here to help you.”

Tokiya wouldn’t move, but he doesn’t stop Ranmaru when Ranmaru taps on Ren’s temple. Ren doesn’t react, and his breathing remains steady. 

“Lay back.” Tokiya would settle back, mostly because his body was protesting his movements. Ranmaru would reach over Ren, and he’d repeat the action he had just done to Ren on Tokiya’s temple. Before Tokiya can ask what he’s doing, Tokiya is out. 

Tokiya finds himself in a small living room. He recognizes it, because it’s the apartment he and Ren and lived in when they had first gotten engaged, right after they had retired. 

Tokiya’s heart would leap when he sees Ren- because Ren is _looking back at him_. Not through him, or near him, but _at him_. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is on the edge of tears, but there’s clear hope in it. 

Ren would move forward, wrapping Tokiya in a hug, and Tokiya would hold onto Ren tightly. 

Tokiya is smiling. It’s a tearful smile, but it’s happy. Ren was warm, and Tokiya wasn’t in pain. He could almost pretend like this was real. 

“I love you.” Tokiya would mumble. “God, I love you, Ren. So much.”

Ren would cry. It’s soft and silent, but Tokiya can feel the tears on the top of his head, where Ren’s cheek is pressed against his hair. “I love you, too, darling. More than anything.”

So this is what Ranmaru was doing- letting Tokiya see Ren in Ren’s dream. It may have been fake, and there may have only been a chance that Ren would even remember this- but it felt real. And that was enough for Tokiya. More than he could have ever asked for.

The gratitude he felt towards Ranmaru was indescribable. 

“We have a lot to catch up on.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. Normally he handled situations like this much worse than Ren did- but Tokiya would remember that he had seen Ren everyday, even if he wasn’t able to interact with him. Ren hadn’t seen him at all. “Why don’t we sit down?” Tokiya wanted to remain close to Ren, and cuddling on the couch and just talking sounded like a dream come true. 

Ren would pull away, but not by much. He’d keep a very tight grip on Tokiya’s hand as they’d go to the couch, and when they’d settle down, he’d pull Tokiya onto his lap and wrap his arms around Tokiya’s waist. 

“You’ve been gone for such a long time.” Ren’s voice is pained. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too, my love.” Tokiya would rest his head against Ren’s shoulder. “But I’m always with you. And I’m always going to be.”

“It’s been hard, losing you.” Ren’s voice is almost broken. “I’m still not over it. I don’t know if I’ll ever be.” 

Tokiya’s hand would raise, his thumb running across Ren’s cheek. “I know.” His voice is soft. “But you’re living, and that’s all that I can ask of you, Ren. And you have me right now.” Tokiya would tilt his head up and press a soft kiss to the side of Ren’s throat. “We should enjoy this time while we have it.” 

Ren would cry again. Tokiya understands. “I’m sorry, Toki.”

“Ssh, don’t be, darling. If you need time to be upset, then take it.” 

Ren would have to take some time to get himself calmed. Tokiya would simply lean against Ren, his thumb moving across his cheek. When Ren had finally calmed down, Tokiya would let his hand fall to Ren’s shoulder. 

“Will you tell me what you do, Ren? How have you been?” Tokiya really wants to know. He wants to know that Ren is alright. 

“I’ve actually done some idol work.” Ren would say. His voice is a little quiet, but he’s trying to recover from his upset. “A bit of solo work, to keep myself busy. I’ve started a garden.”

“Have you? That’s wonderful.” Tokiya would smile. “I’m sure the garden is beautiful, Ren.”

“They’re all roses.” Ren’s voice is almost a bit distant, but it’s clear that he’s glad that Tokiya likes it. “I wish you could have seen it.”

“Maybe I still can.” Tokiya’s voice would turn determined. “I will. Maybe not soon- but I will.”

“...Toki.” Ren would fall quiet for a second, and when he speaks his voice is hardly audible. “What is it like for you? What have _you_ been doing?”

“I’ve been watching over you. I’m still around, even if you can’t see me. I can’t quite watch over you as much as I wish that I could- I’ve become stuck only being able to watch you when you’re home, but I’m… I won’t leave. Not until you do. But I want to wait until you’re ready. The longer you live the happier I am.”

“Could you leave? Shouldn’t you?” Ren’s eyebrows would pull down. “Are you really happy staying in the house?”

“It’s alright. Like I said- watching over you is more than enough for me.”

Ren would frown, and Tokiya would reach up, lightly pressing his thumb against Ren’s lips. 

“Don’t give me that look. I’m okay.” Tokiya would move so that Ren could see him smile. “We still have time now. Let’s use it to just be happy together.” 

Tokiya would shift, moving so that he was straddling Ren’s lap, and he’d press his lips against Ren’s. The kiss turns hungry, but Tokiya isn’t sure which one of them had made it that way. 

The make out session would die down to shorter, softer kisses. Eventually, they’d lie down on the couch, pressed together, in a way that Tokiya had been craving for what must have been years. 

When the dream would end, it would still be too soon. But Tokiya would admit that he felt far better after it, even with the frustration of it ending. 

Ren would cry when he’d wake up, and Tokiya would watch him. He wasn’t well enough to sit up, but he’d cry, too. The room would get colder. 

Ren would have to leave for work, and Ranmaru would show up not long after he had left. 

“Thank you, Ran.” Tokiya would give him a sad smile. “I really appreciated that.”

Ranmaru would sigh. “Yeah. Technically, I can do that as often as ya want, but it does come at a price. Takes a lot more effort to put you in his dreams the way I did last night- healthy and not feeling like shit. Y’look pretty terrible, if I’m honest. I could probably give ya a few more dreams with him where you’re feeling fine, but after that, you’d have ‘t show up in the same way you look right now.”

Tokiya would swallow hard. “How many times do you think you could make me seem healthy?”

“Maybe ‘bout three or four more times.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to save them. Thank you.”

The next time that Tokiya would appear in one of Ren’s dreams was the next time that Ren had seemed really upset. 

“Toki-” Ren would have breathed out. When he had found himself in their old apartment, he had come to the assumption he’d find Tokiya. This time, it wasn’t their living room- they were both near the foot of their bed. It was a bit small for two men, but tonight it would be perfect. Ren wouldn’t have hesitated to hold Tokiya, and Tokiya wouldn’t have hesitated to return the embrace. 

“Are you alright?” Tokiya’s voice is soft. He had seen how upset Ren was when he had returned, and Ren had gone to sleep far earlier than he usually did. 

“It should have been twenty years.” Ren’s voice sounds lost. “We should be telling people that we’ve been married for twenty years. We didn’t even get five.”

It was their anniversary today. Of course Ren would be upset. Tokiya hadn’t even realized it had been that long. Had it _really_ been over fifteen years? Tokiya had noticed that Ren had been aging, though in dreams he was just as he had been the day of Tokiya’s death. Tokiya looked the same as well- it was the way Ren best knew himself when he was with Tokiya. 

“Oh, Ren.” Tokiya would sigh, resting his head on Ren’s shoulder. Tokiya would swallow hard, but he’d keep his voice steady. “...This may not be the time to bring it up, but I’m afraid I don’t often have the chance to talk to you.” Tokiya’s fingers would brush against the back of Ren’s neck, and his voice would soften. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay alone, Ren. If you want to move on from me- I’ll be okay. I just want you to be happy.”

Ren would pull back, and Tokiya would let him- there’s a lot of emotions on Ren’s face. Something akin to horror, and there’s stubbornness and sadness there, as well. “No.” His voice is final. “You were the love of my life, Tokiya.” His own voice would soften. “You are. And if you’re telling me the truth, that there is… something, after death- if there’s any chance that I’ll be able to really see you again when my time comes, then I’ll wait. When I promised myself to you, I meant it. I just… I can’t put myself out there, Toki.” Ren’s hand would move to Tokiya’s cheek, and he’d press his forehead to Tokiya’s, his voice dropping into a mumble. “Even if there isn’t anything after I die, and these dreams really are just dreams- I don’t _want_ to find anyone else. It’s… so strange to say this, but I’m not miserable.” Ren’s expression is softer, too. “Of course I’m sad, and of course I miss you. But days like today only happen… well, on days like today. I’m much more upset today, because of what today is. I’m still living- and it may be in part because I know that you want me too, but I am. I’m not isolated, or depressed. I can be happy and still miss you, baby. And still not move on. Because losing you was more than just losing my partner- it was losing my other half. If I had never met you, I could have lived my entire life without a spouse and I’d have been fine. It was you. It was always you, and there’s never going to be another you. So please don’t worry yourself about me. Not about this.” 

“If you’re sure that you’re not holding yourself back because of me-” Tokiya’s hand would raise, to rest against Ren’s. “Then I won’t press the issue. I just want to hear that you’re living. And I’m glad that you told me you were. I’ve only ever wanted the best for you, Ren, and I mean that even now.”

Ren would have gotten quiet, his eyes closing. Tokiya would close his own. Tokiya can feel Ren’s breath, brushing his cheek, and it’s that small thing that would make Tokiya’s chest constrict. He’d finally cry himself. 

“Let’s lay down.” Ren’s voice is strained. When they make their way to the bed, Ren never lets go of Tokiya, with a hand in his. When they do lay down, Ren pulls Tokiya close to him. Tokiya isn’t sure if the action is primarily for Tokiya, or for Ren. Tokiya wouldn’t spend long crying, not willing to waste time with Ren. It was what convinced Tokiya to pretend that he was taking this all well. 

Ren could see through it. Tokiya knew he could. But Ren lets it pass. 

Tokiya knew that if Ren were to ever see him in the weakened state he was really in, Ren wouldn’t have looked over it. Tokiya was glad that Ren was only seeing him as he was now, in the dream. 

Time seemed to stretch on longer in the silence, and neither man was willing to break it. They’d lie there, holding each other, until Tokiya could feel the dream nearing its end. 

“I love you, Ren.”

“I love you, too, Toki.” Ren’s voice is soft and sad. 

Tokiya hated parting, too. 

Tokiya wouldn’t have gone back into Ren’s dreams in a very long time. He could hardly keep himself up long enough to watch Ren during the night, now tending to sleep while Ren slept, too. 

And then one night, Ranmaru would come not long after Ren had fallen asleep. 

“Already?” Tokiya’s voice is pained. 

“‘Fraid so.” 

When Ren wakes up, he’s not really up. Tokiya can’t see his body, nothing beyond his spirit, but he knows that Ren’s body is there, still in the bed. 

Tokiya wants to sit up. He wants to comfort Ren, or to take Ren in- to find out how Ren’s doing. But there’s nothing that Tokiya can do. He’s not strong enough to do much of anything, after having overstayed easily over forty years. Tokiya would notice that Ren’s ghost certainly didn’t look his age. It must have been like in the dreams- because Tokiya hadn’t aged, either. 

But based off of Ren’s expression- he didn’t look quite the same. He thinks he could picture himself, with his eyes dull and his face sunken in, looking more of a skeleton than anything else. Ranmaru had let him know that the weakness he was feeling was showing, too. 

Ren’s face is worried. Horrified. Not exactly the first expression Tokiya was hoping to see. 

Tokiya would still smile. It’s small, and it’s weighed down, a bit sad. “Ren.”

“Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is definitely sad. “God- if I had known it was this bad, I would have tried harder to convince you to leave.” Ren would get quiet, and his voice would soften. “If I can see you, does that mean-”

“You’re dead.” Ranmaru would speak up, finally gaining Ren’s attention, who would jump, turning towards him. 

“You have to stop greeting people like that.” Tokiya says tiredly. 

Ranmaru would scoff, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, but he’d look at Ren. “‘M here to take you with me, now that you’re gone.”

Ren would look at Tokiya, but Ranmaru would continue. 

“You don’t have ‘t come with me right this second, but I’d suggest you don’t pull a Tokiya. That’s what happens when you stay too long.”

“It didn’t start getting bad until years in.” Tokiya would mumble. 

“You’re coming with me, right?” Ren’s voice is quiet. 

“I am. I’ve only stayed this long to wait for you, Ren.” Tokiya would reach up, catching Ren’s hand. “But before we go, I want to ask you for something.” Ranmaru was gone now. Tokiya had already told Ranmaru what he was planning. Tokiya knew that when he called, Ranmaru would come back. “I want to see your garden.” Ren’s expression would soften. “I… will you bring me there?”

“Of course.” Ren’s voice is very gentle. 

“I can’t walk there, or I’d have visited.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, and nearly embarrassed. 

Ren would have gotten up from the bed, and he’d carefully put his hand on Tokiya, testing. When Ren establishes that he _can_ touch Tokiya, he’d carefully pick Tokiya up. Tokiya would hold onto Ren tightly, resting his head on his shoulder, and Ren would carry him outside of the house, into the backyard. 

Tokiya would smile. “It’s gorgeous. Exactly what I would have expected from you.”

Ren would have moved towards a bench, further in the garden. It was worn, and Tokiya could tell that Ren really had spent a lot of time out here. Ren would set Tokiya down and would sit besides him. “Thank you. I only wish I had started it sooner. I’m… very glad that I get to spend some time with you out here. That’s what I’ve wanted for a very long time. Even if it has to be like this.” 

Tokiya is leaning heavily against Ren’s side, and he’d just watch the garden. “I wish it could have happened a different way, too. But we’re together.”

They would sit out there for some time. Every once in a while, Ren would tell Tokiya stories about how he had found certain flowers, or about some of the flowers that reminded Ren of Tokiya. But then Ren would get very quiet, and almost abruptly Tokiya would fall against the back of the bench. Tokiya would panic, for a moment, and Ranmaru would appear in front of him. 

“What happened?” Tokiya would have had to let himself fall, now lying on the bench. “Is Ren okay?”

“His heart restarted. Miracle, I guess.” Ranmaru’s voice is unreadable, and Tokiya isn’t sure what he feels either. Of course he’s glad Ren isn’t dead- but he misses Ren already. And now, he’s stuck outside, no longer able to stay near Ren. 

Tokiya’s chest would constrict. “That’s good.” He’d say, his voice as firm as he can make it. 

It would be some time later when Tokiya would ask Ranmaru to visit Ren in a dream. 

“I can’t make you look healthy anymore.” Ranmaru would warn. “You’re too far past that.”

“I don’t know how much it matters. He’s already seen me.”

“Alright. I’ll do it.”

That night, when Ren goes to sleep, Tokiya would be there. They’re still in the bedroom, but Tokiya can’t stay standing long. He’d have to sit, leaning against the wall, and Ren’s face would turn sad. 

“I’m sorry. Maybe I shouldn’t have come.” Tokiya would apologize. “I may have underestimated just how bad of a shape I was in.”

Ren would move forward, lifting Tokiya to bring him onto the bed. “You need to move on, darling. Don’t stay here if you’re in pain.” 

“I can’t, Ren. I won’t. But staying here this long would be pointless if I don’t even stay to see it through.”

“But you’re in _pain_.”

“Ren… I’ve been in pain for years. It sounds like it’s been nearly thirty five of them, at least. I can last. If you’d like to make it more bearable, just visit your garden, if you can. I miss seeing you.”

“Oh God, you’re still out there?” Ren’s voice is horrified, and sad. “I’m sorry.”

“It isn’t your fault. You’ve been given a few more years of life. I’m happy.”

“Talk to me. This can’t be easy on you.” Ren’s voice is so soft.

Tokiya would close his eyes. “You’re right. It isn’t. It’s mind-numbingly boring. I’m lucky to have Ranmaru, that man you met briefly- I don’t think his job is to talk to me, but he’s done a lot. He’s the only reason I’m able to see you like this. I’d likely have gone crazy, without him. And the pain isn’t easy to get through- but I think that the hardest part is seeing you and not being able to let you know that I’m there. I can’t speak to you, or touch you. And now, with my lack of mobility, I can’t even see you. But I’m going to suck it up and handle it, because I love you. And when you go, I want to be there for you, and I want to go _with_ you. That will make all of this worth it.”

“I wish you’d move on. We can still meet, in whatever comes next. We can be together then, and you wouldn’t have to wait in pain.”

“That’s what Ranmaru’s tried to tell me, too.” Tokiya would admit. “But I left you early. I won’t do that twice.”

“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t choose this, Toki.” Ren’s voice is so sad.

“I know. But… I just… let me do this Ren. I know you’re concerned. I know you’re worried about me, and I know you want the best- but I need to do this.”

Ren would get quiet. It wasn’t a no.

They’d spend the rest of the dream together, lying on the bed, curled in on each other. Tokiya would wake up for a moment, alone on the bench, and then he’d fall asleep again.

Ren would have come out to the garden, only a day later. Tokiya would frown, seeing Ren in a wheelchair. He never did get to learn exactly what the damage was, when Ren had died, but he seemed weaker. If Ren had told him, Tokiya would have never asked him to come out to the garden. 

Though, in the end- while Tokiya was still there, he didn’t have much right to tell Ren not to trouble himself. He was doing the same for Ren. 

Tokiya notices a stranger, coming in to take care of Ren’s garden, now that Ren is unable to do it himself. 

He isn’t quite sure how much longer passes, when he sees Ren walk up to him. Tokiya watches him, but Ren has an air of finality. 

“A heart attack.” Ren would say quietly. “I waited, for some time, to make sure I wouldn’t put you through another false alarm, but I think this is really it this time, baby.”

Tokiya can’t even reach out anymore. He can’t move. Ren would, carefully lifting Tokiya’s head to put it in his lap. For a long, silent moment, they’d watch out over the garden. 

It was still beautiful. It felt just a little less vibrant, after Ren was unable to care for it, but on Ren’s instructions, the flowers he had pointed out to Tokiya that he had grown in memory of Tokiya were better cared for than any of the other flowers. 

Ranmaru would walk up to them, his face grim. “You two ready?”

“Yes.” Ren would answer for the both of them, and Tokiya would let him. Ranmaru would nod. “Normally I’d have ya walk with me, but I don’t think that’s gonna be an option, so we’ll take a short cut.” Ranmaru would walk behind them, and Tokiya would feel a hand rest on his shoulder. He’d have to close his eyes, the sun suddenly becoming blinding, but when he opens his eyes, he’s still in the garden. 

It’s a bit different. His body is lighter, and for the first time in years he doesn’t feel like he’s in pain. He doesn’t feel… dead. His head is still in Ren’s lap- but the garden itself isn’t the same. It isn’t Ren’s garden, because all of the flowers are strange. Most of them are still roses, but that of a beautiful golden color. Unnatural, and unlike anything Tokiya had ever seen. The house in front of the garden wasn’t the same, either. It was a smaller house, but the first word that would come to Tokiya’s mind is elegant. 

It really was a dreamscape type of area. 

He’d close his eyes, feeling Ren’s hand pet through his hair. 

“I’m glad it’s over.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, and maybe even a bit unsteady. “But I think I’m going to miss Ranmaru.” 

“‘M not dead.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. He’s standing to the side of the bench, but he’d move to lean against it. Tokiya is absolutely sure he hadn’t been there. “Maybe that’s a bad choice ‘a words. But you’re in my domain. In the scheme ‘a things, I’m basically gonna live down the street.”

Tokiya would laugh. It isn’t a weak laugh- if anything, it’s almost a bright sound. “It’s nice to know that you’ll continue to grace us with your presence.” Tokiya is teasing, but the sentiment is genuine. “We’ll have to have a housewarming party.”

“‘S long as there’s food, I guess I could make it.” 

“Thank you, Ranmaru. You really helped me out.” Tokiya would finally sit up, though he feels Ren’s hand rest on his lower back. There is no heaviness, no soreness. He doesn’t feel sick or tired. It’s wonderful. “I really can’t thank you enough.” Tokiya’s voice has gotten quieter in its genuineness. 

“‘Course. I’m really just the bus driver. ‘Ve got nothin’ against anyone, I’m just here to help.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit gruff, but Tokiya can tell that he’s not used to being thanked. It did make sense to Tokiya- because he was sure few people stayed as long as Tokiya did. Few people saw the way Ranmaru really did try to _help_, they probably only saw him in the way Ren saw him. Ranmaru had simply brought Ren to the place he needed to be, and Ranmaru wouldn’t be willing to stick around, if it weren’t for Tokiya. 

Tokiya was glad he had gotten closer to Ranmaru. 

That was a theme. Ranmaru really would have stuck around. And Ren and Tokiya finally got to continue living their lives, together. Ren would often tend to the garden while Tokiya would sit on the bench and read. They’d have Ranmaru over, almost once a week, and Ren would cook and Tokiya would set the table, and Ranmaru would usually bring something over for dessert. 

It was very domestic. 

It was wonderful. 

Tokiya couldn’t even remember the pain that he had dealt with for years on end. He didn’t have to miss all of the years he didn’t get- because at the end of every night, he’d lie down with Ren, and at the start of every morning, he’d wake up next to him. 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too, Toki.” Ren would chuckle with a soft smile. “Thank you for waiting for me.”


	31. Chapter Thirty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; crude language, harassment

Tokiya was fourteen years old- a freshman in high school. It had already been years since his mother had involved him in different theatrical training. He spent most of his afterschool time in the highschool theatre troupe, and he spent most of his weekends either on rehearsals or auditions for shows outside of school. His mother was trying to continue moving him up, and it seemed to be working. Tokiya was always busy- and between that and trying to keep up his grades, it was difficult. 

Ranmaru went to the same school as Tokiya, though he was sixteen, a junior. He was new to the school, after moving from his old school after his father’s debts had finally truly hit his family and his family, now consisting of his mother and younger sister, had moved to a smaller apartment and he was rezoned. He got high marks, but was certainly more a rebellious kid. Most people didn’t mess with him. 

Tokiya and Ranmaru had met on a project. They were both in Theatre One- Tokiya by choice and Ranmaru by necessity for an elective. Tokiya wasn’t necessarily unknown, but he wasn’t quite popular, either. He was too quiet. The only reason Ranmaru and Tokiya had even gotten paired up was because neither boy had found a partner and ended up as the last two unpaired. They would have gotten the project done by the second class period of five that they had been given together to work on it, and the last three would have been sixty minutes of talking. They’d have gotten an A, and would have partnered up again on their next project. 

It would have been a few weeks after their second project together that they would have eaten lunch together. It would start in Tokiya’s spot- eating in the back of the overflow of the theatre. And then it would turn to Ranmaru’s spot, in a classroom that his freshman teacher let him and a few other students eat in. Tokiya preferred the classroom, because each small group of kids kept to themselves, and it was much quieter. It would be a few weeks after that where Tokiya and Ranmaru would meet up on Tuesdays, the only day that Tokiya has no afterschool obligations. After their first few meetings, they’d meet up at times on weekends where Tokiya wasn’t busy, which wasn’t often but still gave them _some_ time. 

“Why are you always so busy?” Ranmaru would say, his voice gruff. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s eyebrows would draw in and he’d frown. 

“It’s all of your rehearsals and shit, right?”

“Yes.”

“Then it ain’t your fault.” Ranmaru would huff. “Ain’t your fault that your mom’s overworking you.”

Tokiya would tend to get quiet, or to switch the topic, and Ranmaru would drop it. There wasn’t anything Tokiya could do about it. 

They’d begin dating not long after that. Ranmaru would have expressed his interest in Tokiya, and Tokiya would have admitted that he returned the feelings. Their relationship had hardly changed- because even before they had dated they were close and comfortable with each other, and that wouldn’t change at all. Tuesdays were the biggest change, because their meetings had turned more into dates. Tokiya would have visited Ranmaru’s apartment and would have found his new favorite activity- listening to Ranmaru play the bass. 

“I could teach ya, if ya want.” Ranmaru would offer.

“No.” Tokiya’s response would come too quickly, and he’d look away, rubbing the back of his neck. “Trust me, it isn’t because I don’t want you to teach me. I just… I don’t want my mother to find out that I can play it. I… don’t want to add another skill to my list right now.” 

Tokiya adored acting. He loved it with all of his heart, and singing was his passion- only second place to reading. But he was so _busy_. Spending time with Ranmaru was difficult, because it took the place of any sort of breaks he should have, and he was exhausted. He put up with it of course, because he loved spending time with Ranmaru. 

“It can be our secret.” Ranmaru would offer. “We can only play over here, and you don’t have ‘ta tell her what you’re doing.”

Tokiya would pause, but then he’d nod. He _did_ want to learn, and it was primarily because it was Ranmaru teaching him. Ranmaru would smile, and Tokiya would smile back. It was hard to be upset when Ranmaru smiled, because it wasn’t a very common sight. Tokiya loved it when Ranmaru smiled. 

Ranmaru would move onto his bed, holding his bass, and he’d wait for Tokiya to settle on the bed besides him, and he’d pass over his bass- though he wouldn’t let the bass go until he had made sure Tokiya was holding her correctly. Or at least correctly enough that she wouldn’t fall when Ranmaru pulled his hands back. After that, he’d adjust Tokiya’s hands so that they’re positioned right. 

Ranmaru was a good teacher- but it likely came from just how well he knew the bass. He could probably play a song flawlessly in his sleep. During the teaching, Ranmaru would often be pressed against Tokiya, to show him exactly how to do something. Sometimes Ranmaru would cover Tokiya’s hand with his own, to show him just where his hand needed to land. 

Over all of their training sessions- Tokiya would notice something quickly. If Ranmaru saw that Tokiya had begun to get frustrated, he’d take the bass and they’d do something else- whether they’d been playing for an hour or for ten minutes. 

After one of the shorter sessions, Tokiya would watch Ranmaru. “Why do you stop me?”

“‘Cause if you keep going at it while you’re mad it’s not gonna be fun.”

“You play when you’re mad.” 

“That’s because I know how ‘t play already. I went through the annoying parts of learning it, and now it’s a good stress relief. Might be for you, too, someday. But that means that when it stops working, you need to stop.”

Tokiya would have gotten into a new production, not long after, and everything would have gotten more hectic. He’s less involved in school theatre, because he’s too busy on after school rehearsals elsewhere. He still had Tuesdays, and some evenings on weekends, but he’s clearly getting run ragged. He’s barely keeping up his grades. It would have been two times that Ranmaru had come over where Tokiya had looked almost sick before Ranmaru would have frowned, watching him. 

That night they were at Tokiya’s house. When they weren’t going to play, it was often where they were because Tokiya’s mother usually wasn’t home, or she was keeping to herself in her room- so the most privacy they could get was at Tokiya’s house. Whether Tokiya’s mother knew they were dating or not, she never had a problem with Tokiya and Ranmaru separating themselves, and Tokiya didn’t mind that. 

“Are you okay?” Ranmaru would watch Tokiya’s face, narrowing his eyes. Tokiya’s lower lip would tremble, just a bit, and it would make Ranmaru’s glare tighten. His tone is warning. “Don’t lie to me.”

Tokiya would cry. They’re frustrated tears, but the harder he tries to keep them in, the harder it becomes. Ranmaru would wrap an arm around Tokiya, and Tokiya would cry into his shoulder for a long moment. “I’m so tired.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whimper. “It’s too much but no one listens to me.”

Ranmaru’s grip on Tokiya’s shoulders would tighten, but he’d get quiet. How could he comfort Tokiya? It was still four years until he’d be out of school and by himself, and as much as Ranmaru wants to help him stop it- he’s only sixteen. He’s still a kid himself. 

“Lemme show you another one of my stress relievers.” Ranmaru would finally say after Tokiya had calmed down. Ranmaru would move onto Tokiya’s bed, moving to the further edge and he’d pat the large, open area besides him. “C’mon. Let’s just chill and take a nap.” 

Tokiya would give a tearful smile, and he’d laugh, wiping at his eyes. “Are you sure? We don’t get to spend very much time together.”

“You need to sleep. You look fucking exhausted. Besides, we’re still doing something together.”

Tokiya _is_ tired, and that’s why he wouldn’t argue. He would climb in bed, and he’d lie down next to Ranmaru. They aren’t touching at all at first, but Tokiya would move, pressing his forehead against Ranmaru’s upper arm, and that’s how he’d stay until he fell asleep. 

That would become a new thing. On Tuesdays, they’d just lie down together and take a long nap. Tokiya had suggested practicing on Tuesdays, but weekends were much rarer and less consistent- and Ranmaru was insistent that Tokiya should get as must rest as he could. They’ve gotten to the point where Tokiya would often use Ranmaru’s chest as a pillow, and Ranmaru would wrap his arm around Tokiya, and they’d just sleep for a few hours. 

Ranmaru was just about to graduate, and Tokiya was fifteen, about to be a Junior. That’s when Tokiya would begin to get the messages. 

Tokiya had a cellphone- it was clunky, and really only made calls- but beyond that his only other piece of technology was a computer. It was a dial-up, slow computer, but because it was the only computer in the house, it wasn’t absolutely terrible. He had gotten a new Agent- his first, actually. He had been taken on when he was fifteen, and his schedule had become so busy that Tuesdays were the only day that he got to see Ranmaru, and even that wasn’t consistent because Ranmaru had gotten a part time job at the beginning of Senior year. Between working and studying to pass his final year, he was busy a lot, too. Not quite as bad as Tokiya- but still busy. 

The first message, an IM, Tokiya would have gotten from his Agent would have been a strange one. 

“Hey, cutie. How was your rehearsal?” 

Tokiya would immediately feel strange. This wasn’t professional. He may have been fifteen, but he wasn’t _stupid_. This was strange. But it was his Agent. Of course he’d answer.

“It went well.”

“Of course it did. You’re more talented than most of the adults on set. How old are you again?”

“Fifteen.”

“Wow, only 15? You look way older”

Tokiya would stop responding at that point, but the very next day he’d get another message. 

“Do you have a girlfriend?”

Tokiya would frown, unsure of how to answer. Why was he asking? But Tokiya would respond. 

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Is he older?”

“Yes.” 

That was a strange question.

“Do you like older men?”

Tokiya wouldn’t respond to this one. He’d actually move, away from the computer and to his mother. She’d look up, her eyebrows furrowing at Tokiya’s face. 

“Hmm? What’s wrong?”

“My Agent is messaging me.” 

Her face would relax. “That’s normal. It’s his job to check on you. Make sure you’re polite- he’s responsible for your jobs.”

“But what he’s texting me doesn’t feel appropriate-” Tokiya wasn’t even sure why he was trying. When it came to his acting life- nothing he said mattered. His entire life was very dictated. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. He’s your gateway to finding better jobs- if you’re uncomfortable because he’s being nice to you, it’s because you’re talented and he sees that. Besides, that kind of thing doesn’t happen to little boys.”

That would have struck Tokiya enough to stay quiet, and his mother’s worry had seemed to entirely disappear. He’d leave to his room, but he’d have another message. 

“Do you look at porn, Toki?” 

He was a fifteen year old boy with his own room and a computer. Of course he had. It still made him sick and disgusted to be asked that question.

Not to mention that Tokiya hated the nickname. Even his mother called him Tokiya. Ranmaru was the only one that Tokiya was alright with using his nickname. 

Tokiya is reminded of his mom’s instructions to be nice. To stay on his good side. He hates answering- but he does. He feels like he should. 

“Yes.”

“What kind?”

Tokiya looks at the screen and realizes it’s blurry. It’s the humiliated tears burning his eyes. 

Tokiya would type and delete a message a few times before the Agent would just send another message, saving him the embarrassment of replying. 

“I look at it, too. Mostly gay.” 

Tokiya didn’t need to know that. The next response comes from the Agent, too. 

“What about your boyfriend? Have you had sex with him yet? How far have you gone?”

Tokiya would actually cry at that. He’d pull his feet up on the chair as he looks at the computer screen. He felt disgusting. This felt wrong. 

But this kind of thing didn’t happen to little boys, right?

Tokiya hadn’t gone all of the way with Ranmaru. They had gotten as far as dry humping in the back of Ranmaru’s car during a makeout session- but they hadn’t ever gone further. Tokiya felt weird, going further when he wasn’t even the age of consent, and Ranmaru was completely supportive of that. 

“No further than kissing.” 

Tokiya doesn’t even want to give that away- but he needed to answer, right? 

Was he wrong? 

Tokiya was confused. Was he right to be so uncomfortable? His mother hadn’t even heard him out, or checked the messages. Maybe it wasn’t as serious as he felt like it was. 

“Do you want to go further? I could help with that.”

Tokiya wouldn’t answer that one. He couldn’t. After some time his computer would ding again. 

“Come in to the studio tomorrow after school.”

Tokiya wouldn’t sleep well that night, but he would go in the next day, apologizing profusely to Ranmaru. The next day had been Tuesday. 

Tokiya would begin acting almost nonstop. He was sure there were rules against how much he was working, but anyone that could report it wouldn’t. Tokiya was exhausted- falling asleep in class, stumbling over his feet and his words. 

One of his lunch periods would have been spent in a corner of the courtyard, because Tokiya didn’t want to cry in front of the six people in the classroom- but Ranmaru was insistent on asking him what was going on. 

“Have you even been sleeping at all?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow. Ranmaru was under a lot of stress himself, but he didn’t look nearly as terrible as Tokiya did. 

“Not much.” Tokiya would admit. The school wouldn’t allow much PDA, but Tokiya would still lean his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. “I’ve been going to rehearsals and auditions and I’ve hardly been getting any breaks. My Agent is scheduling me to the very edge of my limit.” Tokiya’s tired, frustrated tears had already made an appearance as he spoke. 

Ranmaru’s jaw would tighten. Their hands were laced together. Ranmaru would huff, but his next statement is almost dull- with just a hint of frustration. “You should eat your food. Can’t imagine anyone’s too worried about that for you.”

“You’re right- but I can’t.” Tokiya would close his eyes. “I feel so sick. I don’t know that I can keep it down.”

“‘Ave you talked to your mom about this?”

Tokiya is reminded of his last conversation with her about his problems- about his Agent’s inappropriate messages. He would have told Ranmaru about that, but Tokiya feels like he’s in the wrong. And there isn’t much he thinks that Ranmaru can do if his own mother won’t do anything about it. “She doesn’t listen. I think she’s glad, I’m getting so many jobs.”

Ranmaru’s anger is quiet, but Tokiya can feel Ranmaru’s grip on his hand tighten slightly. Tokiya had seen Ranmaru’s explosive anger, but when it came to Tokiya it was usually a duller type. It’s likely because there tends to be a sense of helplessness with the anger involving Tokiya. What is there to lash out at? Or to yell at?

“I just want to rest.” Tokiya’s voice sounds pitiful. “Will you wake me up when the bell rings?”

Ranmaru would sigh. “Yeah. I will.”

Ranmaru would. He doesn’t seem happy about waking Tokiya up from his very short fifteen minute nap- but it was something. 

It would be a mere few days later when rehearsal would be beginning to come to a close. Tokiya felt shaky, and sick, and tired, and upset. He was very tempermental, and holding it in only made it worse. 

“You’re tired, aren’t you?” His Agent would have approached him. His face, his demeanor, and his proximity would suggest that nothing strange is going on. “Why don’t we go to my house and take a break?”

“I’m actually feeling rather sick. I’ve already called my mother to come pick me up.” Tokiya would back up. He’d move away quickly, quickly enough to make it suspicious if his Agent were to run after him. Luckily, his Agent doesn’t follow him outside. 

Tokiya’s mother wasn’t home, and she wouldn’t pick him up, anyways. So Tokiya would dial the only other number that he had memorized after he’d take his clunky cellphone out of his bag. Tokiya was already crying. 

“‘Ello?” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit tired. Tokiya might have woken him up. It _was_ nearing nine at night. It was a Friday, but Tokiya also knew that Ranmaru slept when he could. 

Tokiya would suddenly get hit by a wave of guilt. Wasn’t Ranmaru supposed to be at work? Ranmaru’s voice was tired, but he hadn’t said enough for Tokiya to tell if Ranmaru were sick. “I’m sorry, did I call you at a bad time?”

Tokiya had just wanted to ask Ranmaru for help. He knew Ranmaru could drive, and while he knew he’d be an inconvenience- he could have waited until Ranmaru had gotten off of work. Tokiya wishes he knew the directions to get to his own house. 

“Depends. Are you crying?” 

“A little. Now it’s your turn.”

“I’m not feelin’ great right now, but it’s just a bad headache. ‘Lil better than it was. But I’ve always got time for you. What’s going on?”

“I left my rehearsal early. It’s just been a hard few nights. I… I don’t have a way home. But if you’re not feeling well I can walk.”

“I can come get ya. I’d really rather ya not try to find your way home this late. What’s your address?”

Tokiya would tell him the address of the building. He’d consider apologizing again- but he’s known Ranmaru for some time now, and he knew that Ranmaru didn’t want to hear it. He’d insist that it’s no problem- it’s the reason that Tokiya was getting picked up now, after all. Tokiya wasn’t sure what he had done to deserve Ranmaru- because as temperamental and impulsive, and at points _demanding_, the man was… he was also kind, and attentive and caring and helpful. Tokiya was under the belief that he was too young to understand love - which likely came from his mother and her insistence that he was too young to think for himself, but he was also absolutely positive that he loved Ranmaru. Ranmaru was certainly the exception. 

Ranmaru’s car would pull up, the headlights immediately catching Tokiya’s attention. Ranmaru would slow in front of Tokiya, and Tokiya would take just a few seconds to make sure that it _was_ Ranmaru, but he’d be quick to get in. Ranmaru wouldn’t take long to pull off. 

Ranmaru’s car was previously his father’s. Tokiya knew that when Ranmaru was alone he preferred to ride his bike, but had learned to drive out of obligation and to help his mother get around, because she _didn’t_ drive. And Tokiya certainly didn’t mind it- it made it very easy to spend time together out of the house. 

Ranmaru’s hand would reach out, rubbing Tokiya’s arm comfortingly, though his eyes don’t leave the road. “I won’t make you talk in the car, but we really should when we stop.” 

“Okay.” Tokiya honestly did want to talk. Maybe Ranmaru would at least make him feel better- or would give him some ideas. He may have seriously messed things up when he left, and he was afraid. He was afraid of disappointing his fellow actors, and his mother. He was afraid his Agent would drop him because his mother would be furious. 

The car ride isn’t quite silent, because Ranmaru’s radio is on. It’s on a CD, and it’s actually one of Tokiya’s favorites. It’s not quite rock enough to be the kind of music he’d likely listen to alone, so Tokiya wonders if Ranmaru had put it in for him. He appreciated it. 

They’d pull up to Ranmaru’s house, and Tokiya would look over, surprised. “It’s about curfew for you and I know your mom doesn’t really check on ya. If you need to call her, definitely do that, but I figured I’d have you stay over tonight.”

This isn’t the first time Tokiya had slept over at Ranmaru’s, and Ranmaru had spent the night at Tokiya’s, too. Tokiya would just nod. He was supposed to get a ride home from a fellow actor after practice, so it isn’t as if she’d expect to find him there. He may as well as sleep over. 

Tokiya would nod. 

They’d head into the apartment. It’s small. It’s almost like a studio, only there are two small rooms attached to the main floor layout. Ranmaru’s mother and sister shared a room, which gave Ranmaru his own. Ranmaru had expressed to Tokiya that this was the only thing he didn’t really feel that bad about- of course he doesn’t _like_ that his mom and sister have to share a small room- but having his own space was something invaluable to him. It’s part of what makes Tokiya so surprised that Ranmaru is with him- or that they’re even together. Both of them typically keep to their own space, though it’s far less around each other. 

It’s nice.

Ranmaru would move onto his bed, and Tokiya would move next to him, almost curling into his side. “You said you had a headache. Are you sure you don’t want to wait until tomorrow morning?”

“I’m a lot more worried about you right now.”

Tokiya doesn’t quite look at Ranmaru, and his voice is only loud enough for Ranmaru to hear it. “My Agent has been sending me really uncomfortable messages. Asking me about my love life and my sex life, and-” Tokiya’s throat would tighten, and he’d curl in on himself further. “I think he wants to sleep with me.” Tokiya’s voice would break. “He keeps giving me more and more work, and tonight he tried to get me to go to his house. I tried to tell my mom and she brushed it off. She told me that these kinds of things don’t happen to boys, and that I need to be nice to him because I need him to keep giving me work-” Tokiya would finally sob. “I don’t like it. I don’t like what he’s asking me or how he’s talking to me but I’m afraid. I’m afraid to tell him no because I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

Ranmaru was often silent after Tokiya told him something that he couldn’t fix. This silence wasn’t the same. Ranmaru’s grip on Tokiya was tight- protective and maybe even a bit possessive. “How long has this been happening?”

“I… think it started over a month ago. I would have told you I just- there isn’t anything either of can do.” Tokiya’s voice is miserable. “I tried to talk to my mom already.”

“This isn’t the same. We’re gonna figure something out, Tokiya, I promise.” Ranmaru’s voice is low. It’s dangerous, and angry. “This is bigger than just accepting that your mom won’t deal with it. You could get really _hurt_ Toki.”

“We’re kids, Ran. What is there to do?” 

“I don’t know yet. But it’s not gonna be to just wait and hope nothing happens.” 

Tokiya would shake his head, but he can’t bring himself to move away from Ranmaru at all. He felt hopeless, but he didn’t want to fight with Ranmaru. Often times it felt as if Ranmaru were the only one that was ever in his corner. “I’m tired, Ran.”

Ranmaru’s hand would lift, petting through Tokiya’s hair. Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “I know.”

The next day, Ranmaru would bring Tokiya back to his own home. He’d have told Tokiya to just do his best to avoid the Agent whenever he could and would insist that he doesn’t message the Agent back. 

Tokiya’s fear would lead him to break both of Ranmaru’s rules, only later that night. He had been called off of his rehearsal, which had terrified him as it was, but the message he would have gotten would be terrifying. 

“When is your mom home?”

Tokiya would swallow. His first thought was how angry his mother would be if his Agent would look for her and Tokiya hadn’t told him when he could find her. 

“She’s here from 9 AM to 5 PM on weekdays, and she’s here from around 6 AM to 4 PM on weekends.”

His mother worked nights, which meant that her friends did, too. That meant she went out at nights on weekends and wasn’t here most nights on weekdays. It felt like she wasn’t home very often- but Tokiya wasn’t home very often, either. 

“So she isn’t there right now?”

Tokiya actually wouldn’t respond. It was about six. 

She wasn’t home. 

“I’m going to come over, because we have some things that I think we should talk about, Toki.”

Tokiya’s blood would run cold. 

This was it. He had messed up and these were the repercussions. Tokiya would pick up his phone. 

Tokiya would try to call his mother- but she wouldn’t pick up. Ranmaru would be the next person he would call. 

“‘Ello?”

“Ranmaru, I- I’m sorry, I messed up.” Tokiya is full on hysterical at this point. He was acting like a scared child- but that’s because that was exactly what he _was_. He was fifteen, and he was terrified. “He said he was coming to my house and I don’t know what to do.”

“Your Agent?” Ranmaru’s voice is serious. “Shit. Look- call the cops, alright? I’m gonna head over.”

“Okay.” Tokiya’s voice is shaking. Ranmaru would hang up, and Tokiya would dial the police with shaky hands. 

“What is your emergency?” 

“My name is Tokiya Ichinose.” He’s stumbling over his words as he speaks. “A man is coming to my house. I- I know who he is,” Tokiya would give the name. “But he’s been messaging me really bad messages and I’m scared that he’s going to try to hurt me.”

“How old are you, Tokiya?” 

“I’m fifteen.” 

“Are your parents home?” 

“No- I live with my mother but she isn’t here.”

“Alright, Tokiya, I’m going to dispatch a car to your location. Is he at your house now?”

“No. I’m not sure how far away he was when he told me he was coming, but he only told me that he was.”

“The car is ten minutes out. If he arrives before they do, hide and call the emergency number.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya’s voice is soft, though when he does get off of the phone, he hears a sharp knock at his window. Tokiya does take care to check and make sure that he knows who he’s letting in- but he knows it’s going to be Ranmaru. Tokiya had a two story house, and Ranmaru was the only one that would ever enter through his window. When Tokiya would work a lot and wouldn’t be able to see Ranmaru, Ranmaru would often visit him to check on him- and with Tokiya’s mother, it was safer to just use the tree. Tokiya had insisted on the front door, but Ranmaru had no issues climbing to Tokiya’s window. Today, Tokiya was glad for that. He wasn’t willing to unlock the front door, and he didn’t want Ranmaru to be seen by the Agent. 

As soon as Tokiya’s window was open, Ranmaru would look him up and down. He looks angry- but he also looks scared. Especially seeing Tokiya’s panicked expression and how his body was shaking like a leaf. Ranmaru would pull him into a tight hug, and Tokiya would cry into his shoulder. 

And then, the banging would start. It would start as a knock, but would get a bit more demanding. Tokiya can hear his name being said, and his hyperventilating would begin again. Ranmaru would pull back and put his hand over Tokiya’s mouth. His voice is hardly audible as he moves closer to Tokiya’s ear. “You’ve gotta be quiet, Toki. We need to hide.”

Tokiya would look at Ranmaru with a frozen, scared, teary look, but Ranmaru wouldn’t let him freeze up. Ranmaru would carefully move his hand, and Tokiya does stay quiet, but Ranmaru would move to lock Tokiya’s door, and he’d look around Tokiya’s room. The closet is the only place they could both hide in- and even if they were to split up, there weren’t many more options that were any less obvious than the closet. Ranmaru would push him closer. The pounding would continue, but only for a moment. 

Ranmaru is sitting closer to the door, though they’re both further back in the closet. Ranmaru wishes he could stand, but with the clothes there’s only enough room for them both to sit. Ranmaru is holding onto Tokiya, trying to keep him calm. At first, Ranmaru doesn’t need to cover Tokiya’s mouth- but when they hear the banging stop and the door open, Ranmaru has to return his hand so that Tokiya doesn’t give away their location. 

“Tokiya- stop being ridiculous and come out to talk to me. You don’t need to be scared- I’ll show you exactly what you need. You’re under a lot of stress right? Let me fix that.” 

Ranmaru’s grip on Tokiya would tighten. He’s shaking, just a little, and the closet almost feels warmer from his rage. But he would stay, holding onto Tokiya. 

Ranmaru’s self discipline and restraint seemed to falter when it came to his anger- but Tokiya was glad that Ranmaru was holding himself back. Right now, Ranmaru felt very adult- but he was only seventeen. Only two years older than Tokiya, who was crying and shaking, like a child. 

Ranmaru wasn’t acting his age- but Tokiya was. 

Tokiya would grip onto Ranmaru’s arm when he heard the Agent try his door. 

“Already in the bedroom for me, huh?” The laugh would make Tokiya sick. Tokiya’s hands would move, holding Ranmaru’s hand more firmly over his mouth as he’d cry harder. 

The sirens would finally begin to be heard, as the Agent would begin to run, trying to escape as he realizes what Tokiya had done. When Tokiya finally hears the noise, he’d slump, leaning further against Ranmaru, who would catch him, finally uncovering his mouth to hold onto Tokiya better. “I’m so tired, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is soft.

“I know, babe. I know.” 

The police would have caught him, and would have gone upstairs to look at the message history between Tokiya and the Agent. Ranmaru would have been questioned, but it would have been short- considering they had caught the man they were looking for and Tokiya was quick to ensure that Ranmaru had nothing to do with it. 

Ranmaru would have stuck near Tokiya, and after he had been questioned, they wouldn’t have stopped him. Especially with the way that Tokiya would hang around him, too, his hand interlaced with Ranmaru’s. 

“Am I going to be in trouble?” Tokiya’s voice is shaky as the police woman in charge of collecting the messages goes through the computer. 

“Of course not.” The woman would reassure. “But use this as a lesson. Be very careful about who you’re talking to online, and any adults that you don’t trust. Does your mom know about this?”

“I tried to tell her. She didn’t believe me.” 

“Will you give us her phone number so we can fill her in on this?” 

Tokiya would nod, and he’d give his mother’s cellphone number and the house number. The police would leave- and because Tokiya was old enough to stay alone, he’d stay in the house. Ranmaru wouldn’t leave. 

“You told me not to respond.” Tokiya would say tiredly. He’s lying in his bed, pressed against Ranmaru’s side. “This is my fault. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Ranmaru’s voice is stern. “He’s a sick fucking person, and he’s caught. That’s what matters.”

“I don’t want to go back to doing the same thing, Ran.” Tokiya sounds as miserable as he looks. “I can’t handle it. Even if this situation never happens again- I just… I can’t keep working like this. I don’t know how I’m going to do it. I wasn’t the one that asked to do this. My mom put me in the business.” 

“Then don’t.” Ranmaru’s voice has changed. It’s careful, but there’s something further than that. 

Ranmaru had finally figured out something he _could_ do. 

“Run away with me.” There’s such a serious tone in Ranmaru’s voice that Tokiya doesn’t, for a second, think that he’s joking. 

“I don’t have anything. I don’t have money, or a place to go-” It wasn’t a no, technically. 

“I’ve saved up almost everythin’ I’ve made. If you wanna leave, we can. You worry a lot.” Ranmaru’s hand would settle on Tokiya’s chest, a comforting pressure. “If you do this, you can let me worry about things for a while, okay? I’m offering you a real drastic offer. I’m not expecting you to take control of it. I’ll handle everything, if ya let me.”

Tokiya would stay quiet for some time. “Okay.”

Ranmaru’s grip would tighten on Tokiya. “If we do this, we should do it now.”

“Alright. Let’s do this.” Tokiya would sit up, and Ranmaru would follow him. Tokiya would look at Ranmaru, and there’s a bit of fear on his face that’s undeniable. “I- I’m not holding you back, am I? These are my problems. Not yours.”

“My mom’s not gonna be surprised.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost a bit flat, but it would change. “It’s worth it.”

Tokiya’s face would soften. “I… couldn’t do this without you. I-” Tokiya would his head away, his voice cracking. “If you weren’t here tonight, I don’t know what would have happened.” He’d press the heel of his hands against his eyes, and his voice is bitter. “Actually- I think I do.”

“Look at me.” Ranmaru’s voice is surprisingly gentle, and when Tokiya turns, Ranmaru would kiss Tokiya. It’s short, but it’s sweet. Ranmaru would pull away, only enough to rest his forehead on Tokiya’s. “It’s gonna be okay. We’re gonna figure things out.”

“I-” Tokiya would quiet a bit, nervous. His hand would raise, his fingers brushing over Ranmaru’s neck. “Feel like I’m too young to know this. Maybe I’m right, or maybe I’m wrong, but I feel very, very certain that I love you.” 

“Quite the confession.” Ranmaru’s voice is amused. “But I love you, too, Toki. ‘M positive of it.” Ranmaru would begrudgingly pull back. “You should get some stuff. I wouldn’t bring more than a bag or two.” 

Tokiya would nod, and he’d grab a duffle bag that he often used to carry costumes. He’d stick with basics, but the first thing he’d add into his bag would be a small ring box. Inside of it was actually a guitar pick with a very carefully engraved ‘T’. It was Tokiya’s favorite possession, and Ranmaru had given it to him on his birthday. Ranmaru would smile when he sees it, though it’s small. 

Tokiya would leave with one bag, and Ranmaru would take it from him to throw it in his backseat. “‘M gonna stop by my house, and then we’ll leave.”

When Ranmaru gets to his house, he’d actually advise Tokiya to stay in the car with a promise that he’d be right back. It would be less than ten minutes, but Ranmaru would walk out with a single bag of his own and his bass, tossing the bag in the backseat with Tokiya’s before carefully putting down his bass and getting back in the driver’s seat. 

With that, they’d take off. 

They would have found a cheap hotel, a fairly decent way away from their homes. They had been driving for almost a day when they had finally stopped. 

They would have spent a day in the hotel room, leaving only to get food. Having a day to relax, and to have nothing to do but to lay in bed with Ranmaru was wonderful. 

Ranmaru would have gotten a job, and with the money he saved up would have gotten them a studio apartment, but one night he would come back, handing a paper to Tokiya. It was a printout of information for a highschool, and Tokiya would raise an eyebrow. 

“It’s a highschool. I dunno if it’s a good fit, but it sounded good.” Ranmaru would hand him the paper. Tokiya would look it over, and he’d frown. 

“Even if I wanted to, I don’t have any of my information.”

“Might still be worth a shot. I got the information after I ran into an old friend, and accordin’ to him it’s pretty unconventional.”

“I guess I can try.” Tokiya would relent. 

It would only be a few days later when Tokiya would have gone in to meet with the principal of the school- an odd man named Saotome Shining. It was a school for the musically talented, so when Tokiya would have been asked to audition on the spot, he wouldn’t have even been surprised. 

“Perfect! That’s just what we’re looking for!” Saotome’s voice was loud. That seemed to be a theme with the man, because _everything_ about him was loud. 

“I’m… sorry. What does that mean?” 

The man would stand from his desk. “I would like to offer you a spot as one of our very own S-Class students!”

“Are you sure?” Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. “I would love to be a part of your school, but I’m afraid I don’t have any documentation.” 

The man would lean back in the chair, and he’d laugh. It’s a bright sound. “If you bring all of what you showed me today to class, then I can take care of all of the pesky paperwork problems.” 

Tokiya would blink, his voice a bit uncertain. “Alright.” 

“Then welcome to Shining Academy, Tokiya Ichinose.”


	32. Chapter Thirty-Two

Tokiya had never been shot. 

Tokiya had been threatened. He had guns pressed against him, his head, his chest- he’s been shot at, but this is the first time that the bullet has landed. 

And not just one, either. He had been hit twice. Once in the leg, and once in the stomach. 

He was on a mission with the three other men his group- Ran, Ren and Camus, but he had been by himself in the security room, trying to get what information he could when he was found, shot, and left for dead. His breathing was labored in his spot on the floor, his hand pressed over the wound on his stomach and his eyes staring up at the ceiling. When he hears the door open, he thinks that they’ve come to really finish him off. He manages to turn his head, just slightly, but rather than the enemy, it’s the rest of his team. Camus and Ren’s expressions are careful- neither man has much of one. Ranmaru’s eyes are too wide, his face a mixture of rage and panic, and he’s the first to move. 

Ranmaru and Tokiya had been married for years. It was a very impulsive, out of the blue decision that was made in the span of a night with a bit more alcohol than there should be. 

It had been the next morning when they’d have woken up in the bed of a hotel together when Tokiya would have looked over at Ranmaru. “Do you regret last night?”

“Y’mean from what I can remember?” Ranmaru’s voice is almost a bit teasing, but it turns serious again. “No. Do you?”

Tokiya would think for a second. “No. I don’t.”

The marriage itself may have come out of nowhere- but they were happy together, so they stayed together. They had gotten wedding rings on their first anniversary, and both men still wore their rings, though at the moment Tokiya’s silver band had streaks of red. 

Ranmaru is next to Tokiya, almost hovering over him, and he’d glance back at Camus and Ren, and his voice is strained. “We need ‘t get him outta here.”

Tokiya would reach up, grabbing Ranmaru’s hand, which would catch his attention. Tokiya couldn’t tell if he were dying or not, but he was in pain, and a lot of it. He knew that his face reflected it. Ranmaru would watch Tokiya carefully, but would end up returning Tokiya’s hand to his stomach. “Just keep pressure, alright? You’re gonna be fine.”

“I’ll carry him.” Ren would offer. “You’re our most offensive. It’d be best if your hands were free.” 

“Be quick about it.” Ranmaru would grunt, begrudgingly moving from Tokiya. Ren would be gentle with picking Tokiya up, but the pain is inevitable. Ren holds him closely as they’d make their way out, but they had taken care of most of the threats on the way in and leaving isn’t difficult. 

When Tokiya is brought back to the infirmary, it’s a miserable experience. They’d take out the bullets and sew him up with no pain killers or anesthetic, and as soon as he’s bandaged he’s sent back to his room, still in immense pain. He can hardly move, but when he limps out of the infirmary, Ranmaru is waiting. One look at Ranmaru makes it clear that he hadn’t left from dropping Tokiya off, still dressed in the clothes from the mission and his hands covered in dried blood. Tokiya’s. 

As soon as they had safely gotten into the car, Ranmaru had taken over, moving Tokiya’s hand out of the way to exchange the feeble pressure for a firmer one, and he had been the one to carry Tokiya to the infirmary. 

Tokiya would lean against Ranmaru, wrapping his arms loosely around him in a very weak hug. 

“Do you need me ‘t carry you back?” Ranmaru would mumble, his grip even looser than Tokiya’s. 

Tokiya was exhausted. He could fall asleep just leaning against Ranmaru if he tried hard enough. “I think I can make it with support.” He’d mumble, though his closed eyes wouldn’t open. It would take him a long moment to pull away from Ranmaru, and Ranmaru would position himself carefully, carrying most of Tokiya’s weight. It would take them longer to get into their room than it should, but they’d make it. 

Ranmaru and Tokiya shared a larger room, though Ren and Camus each had their own. Tokiya had never been in Camus’ room, but Ren’s room was drastically different than Ranmaru’s and Tokiya’s. Much brighter, and much smaller. Tokiya enjoyed his room, but it may have been mostly because he wasn’t alone in it. Ranmaru would help Tokiya onto the bed, taking his shoes from him, and then helping him get undressed, down to his underwear. “What do you want to wear?” Ranmaru would ask as he’d begin to get himself undressed, taking off the leather and placing his hat on a chair. 

Tokiya would get quiet for a long moment. “Nothing. I don’t want to struggle with clothes right now.” The thought of pulling on pants, or a shirt right now sounded miserable. 

“Y’sure you don’t want anything?” Ranmaru would turn, his eyes narrowing. “You get cold real easy. Hey, what’re you smilin’ about?”

Tokiya did have a small, soft smile on his face. “I can’t say I mind you caring for me.” 

Ranmaru’s face would get a shade pinker, but his eyes don’t move from Tokiya’s. “Ya should be used to it by now.” Tokiya’s face would settle, and when he’s shift, he’d wince. “Ya really need ‘t get used to it now. ‘M not letting you outta my sight.” Ranmaru would change quickly, choosing to forgo a shirt and just wearing sweatpants. He’d grab a sweatshirt, a particularly large one that would hang even off of Ranmaru, and he’d walk back to Tokiya. “Won’t make you struggle with the pants, but let’s at least get you in somethin’.”

It’s still not easy to get the shirt on, but it isn’t that miserable when it is. It’s only a few minutes after Ranmaru would have laid next to Tokiya that there’s a short knock on the door, and Ranmaru would get up to open it. Ren is inside almost as soon as the door has opened, and Ranmaru would close it behind him as Ren would continue on to the bed, and he’d crouch down, his hand moving to Tokiya’s cheek, his entire face twisted in worry. “Oh, baby.” 

Tokiya would reach up, putting his hand over Ren’s, his thumb running over the back of Ren’s hand. Tokiya wouldn’t say anything, simply closing his eyes. 

“I’m sorry we let this happen.” Ren is frowning. 

“Don’t be ridiculous. You didn’t do this.” Tokiya’s voice is tired. Ranmaru is heading back to the bed, and Tokiya would squeeze Ren’s hand. “Can you lay down with us?”

“Of course.” Ren would stand, but Tokiya would shake his head, and he’d take in a breath as he’d force himself over. 

“Oi- you need to take it easy.” Ranmaru would grumble, but he’d at least help Tokiya to the middle of the bed. Ren would still be frowning, but he would get in on the other side of Tokiya. Both men are careful with him, but Ranmaru’s arm would wrap across his upper chest, crossing over and landing on his shoulder, and Ren’s head would land on his shoulder, near Ranmaru’s hand. Ren would press his lips to Tokiya’s shoulder. 

Tokiya knew it wasn’t easy for Ren to act as if he were uninvolved with Ranmaru and Tokiya- but for the sake of the Agency, he’d pretend. Tokiya and Ranmaru had gotten together first, but both of them had fallen for Ren at separate times, after they had met in the Suit team. Tokiya didn’t quite remember when exactly it had happened, when Ren had joined their relationship, but at some point it had, and Tokiya certainly didn’t regret that. 

Tokiya would finally get to sleep, and he would sleep for a long time. 

Ranmaru wouldn’t let Tokiya go on another mission, but Tokiya wasn’t complaining, because sooner rather than later, Tokiya would have approached Ranmaru. 

The limp wasn’t gone. It was much lighter, but he still couldn’t walk quite right. He’d look almost ashamed, sitting on the bed next to Ranmaru, not quite meeting his eyes. 

“I can’t stay, Ran.” Ranmaru would stay quiet, watching Tokiya’s face. “I got hurt, and I’m terrified. I’m scared to get hurt again. I know you love this job. I’m… sorry that this is the way that I’m giving up.”

“Don’t be.” Ranmaru would grunt. “You’re right. I like bein’ an Agent. If ‘m honest, I don’t really want you on missions. You were good at what you did, but I don’t like the idea of you bein’ in the line of fire, either.” Ranmaru’s jaw would flex, and he’d glance away. “My problem here is that I don’t know if I’m ready to leave yet.” 

“That’s fine.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. “I didn’t expect you to come with me. You don’t need to worry about me.” Tokiya would reach forward, grabbing Ranmaru’s hand. “I’m not excited to be separated from you. But at the end of the day, I’m going to be in a safe place, and you’ll still have Ren with you, to watch out for you. And when you’re ready to leave, we’ll be together again.” Tokiya would squeeze Ranmaru’s hand. “It’s not the end of the world. Merely an inconvenience.” 

“You won’t stay? Not even if y’don’t go on missions?” Ranmaru doesn’t sound confident about his question, but there’s a look on Ranmaru’s face that would sadden Tokiya. He knew Ranmaru loved him, and Ranmaru’s expression strengthened that knowledge. Tokiya would frown. 

“I’m not sure that would be for the best. You know how the Agency runs.”

“I know.”

Tokiya would press a kiss to Ranmaru’s forehead. “We’ll be fine. Everything is going to be alright.”

Ranmaru would simply grunt. 

It would only be a week later when Tokiya would leave. He’d throw his arms around Ranmaru and would squeeze him tightly, before pulling back and pressing a long kiss to Ranmaru’s lips. When he’d pull back, he’d try to disguise his upset look. “I love you. Stay safe. For me.”

“I love you, too, Toki.” Ranmaru would mumble, his hands resting on Tokiya. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will.” Tokiya would give a soft, sad smile, and then he’d look away as he pulls himself back. Ren would give him a sad, parting smile, and he’d get a nod from Camus. 

He would be relocated to a nice house. It was far too large for him, but he supposed when Ranmaru eventually came to live with him, it wouldn’t feel quite as large. 

What Tokiya, and the Shining Agency, hadn’t known was that another Agency had figured out that Shining Agency _had_ a relocation house in the area Tokiya was in. It would have been less than a month when someone would have broken into Tokiya’s house, and that would have been the beginning of his decline. 

They would have taken over his home- three men, who would have very easily overpowered him. 

Over the next two years, Tokiya would be hurt, humiliated, beaten, robbed and degraded- though the most painful part would have been the only thing that Tokiya had pleaded- to keep his wedding ring. It wasn’t fancy, or expensive. There wasn’t any money that could be gained.

One of the men would have taken it and would have begun wearing it around his neck, like a sick medal of how he had broken Tokiya. 

Tokiya’s house would fill quickly, with young women that the men had kidnapped and kept. Tokiya’s main job alternated between their maid, their cook and their punching bag. He had hardly had a limp when he left, but after having his bad leg broken two times and poorly resetting it himself, he had a horrible limp. It was difficult to clean, or go upstairs, or even to stand for long periods of time. Most of the kidnapped women were treated more kindly than he was- but unfortunately not all of them. Tokiya was disgusted when babysitter was added onto his job list, but the two times he had tried to fight back had ended horribly. He had Ranmaru’s personal number- only memorized in his head, but he couldn’t get to a phone to call anyone. He hadn’t been around long enough to make any friends that would know that he wasn’t okay. 

Tokiya would have been near the window when he noticed a car pull up, and his heart would stop. All three men were here, in the kitchen, and the door was unguarded. 

Getting out wasn’t an issue. It was coming back in, or his absence being noticed. And, of course, the fact that he wasn’t nearly fast enough to get away, should they notice quick enough. 

Tokiya would slip out the door, intercepting Ranmaru. His only concern was Ranmaru not getting himself hurt. There was no reason for Ranmaru to suspect that something was wrong. Tokiya hadn’t even considered how miserable he must look until Ranmaru had gotten out of the car and had walked straight up to him, his face looking almost the same as it had when Tokiya was shot. Angry and panicked. 

Tokiya would hold onto him, gripping onto his shirt with one hand and the strap of his backpack with the other. The car would have left. 

“Tokiya, what the fuck happened?”

“There are men inside, from a different Agency.” Tokiya’s voice is hushed and hoarse. He didn’t speak much anymore. “Three of them.” Ranmaru’s hand had travelled to his hip, where he normally kept his gun. Tokiya would be surprised if he weren’t armed. 

“Are they the only ones in there?”

“There are women. They’re innocent hostages. A few kids.”

“_Kids_?” Ranmaru is disbelieving. 

“It’s… not a good situation. The men are in the kitchen, if they haven’t noticed that I left.”

“Stay out here.” Ranmaru’s voice is serious. “‘M gonna send the girls out and take care of the guys.” 

“Be careful. I don’t know if they’re armed.” 

Tokiya was not, at all, alright. He wasn’t calm. But he had been an Agent long enough to pull himself together to give Ranmaru the information he needed to stay safe. Ranmaru would press a quick kiss to Tokiya’s head. “I will be. Stay here. I’ll be right out.”

Ranmaru had a silencer. It didn’t make it _entirely_ silent, but no one had run out of their houses. Well, except for the women. At least five would leave, many bruised, with red marks around their wrists and ankles, and three kids would leave with their respective mothers. Tokiya would watch them with a sad expression. Tokiya would get nervous when Ranmaru wouldn’t come out, but finally he would, looking no worse for wear. “C’mon.” 

Tokiya would freeze, realizing what he was missing. “I need to do something.” Tokiya would go back in the house, and Ranmaru would call for him, but Tokiya can hear him following. 

Tokiya wishes that he could say that these were the first dead bodies he had seen in some time- but that wasn’t true. There had been more girls here than had left, because not all of them had gotten out. It was horrible. That doesn’t mean he’s entirely unaffected by the bodies he’d see here, but he’d pull himself together enough to locate the man wearing his ring. He’d try to pull on the string, first, but it wouldn’t give. When Ranmaru sees what he’s doing, he’d get quiet, but he’d take the knife from the holster that the mom was wearing and would cut the string, catching the ring for Tokiya. He’d drop the knife and grab Tokiya’s wrist, pulling him out. “A car is gonna be here in a second.”

Tokiya would follow him out, but when they’re out, Ranmaru would grab Tokiya’s wrist and would slide the ring onto Tokiya’s left ring finger. Tokiya would flex his hand, glad for the feeling of the ring- though he had lost so much weight that it didn’t fit exactly right anymore. “Y’need a hospital. Is that priority one?” 

“That depends on what’s going on.” Tokiya would say quietly. 

“They’re relocating you again. Think it’s a train ride away- but outta this area completely. I called ‘em when I was inside.” Ranmaru’s face would turn dangerous. “I dunno _exactly_ what happened, but it’s not fuckin’ alright. And from what I’m piecing together, our Agency ain’t innocent in this. But it’s not gonna be a short trip. If you’re in a lotta pain, I want to go to a hospital first.”

“I can make the trip.” Tokiya would reassure quickly. “I’d rather just get out of this area entirely.”

Ranmaru would nod, and the car would pull up a moment later. Ranmaru would wait until they had loaded onto the train before asking Tokiya what had happened. 

“What was that? ...How long?”

Tokiya would sigh, and he’d lean against Ranmaru’s shoulder. He feels tired. He feels like he wants to cry, but he’s not going to let himself. “It was very shortly after I moved in. I guess that another Agency frequents that area, and they figured out where I was from, so they took over the house. How long have I been gone?”

“A ‘lil over two years.”

“Jesus.” Tokiya’s eyes would widen. “I think it’s been two years, then.” He’d sigh, lightly pressing his fingertips to his face. His face is bruised, so he has to be careful. “They were cruel. I suppose in the scheme of things I was virtually their slave. I suppose I still got it better than the women they had kept there. All of those children... “ Tokiya would cringe. 

Ranmaru’s arm would slip around Tokiya’s waist, and his voice would drop. “Those fuckers deserved worse than what I gave them.”

“It’s over.” Tokiya’s entire body would go limp. It’s a bit more defeated than relaxed. “Thank God you came when you did. Thank you, Ran.”

“‘M just sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

When they’d arrive in their new location, a car would pick them up to drop them at their new house. It was a bit larger, and a significant amount nicer. An apology, for what Tokiya had gone through. It also had a much higher tech security system, too, and the driver would have gotten out to explain it to them. 

When the driver is gone, Ranmaru would call a different one, dropping his bag in the living room and waiting with Tokiya to bring him to the hospital. “I wasn’t able ‘t take any of your stuff, so you can just share clothes with me ‘til we get you more.”

Tokiya would simply nod, staying quiet. Ranmaru would keep a hand around Tokiya’s waist, letting him go only to help him into the car. 

Tokiya would spend some time in the hospital. Over a week, at least, dealing with his injuries. They would have kept him longer, but he had been very insistent on leaving, and he was technically medically cleared. Beyond the necessary rehabilitation, particularly for his leg, he would have taken it far easier. 

Tokiya would have been pressed against Ranmaru in their bed, holding onto him tightly, and Ranmaru would’ve sighed. 

“I hate to bring this up, but I think it’s worth a mention.” Ranmaru would sigh, his hand moving up and down Tokiya’s back. “I’m not retired. At least, I wasn’t. I don’t ‘ave a choice but to stay now, but that wasn’t why I came back.”

“Why did you come?” 

“I tried to contact you and you’d never respond. I was worried about ya. And I missed you, obviously. Hard to see you almost everyday and then to cut contact for two years.”

“...I want you to be happy, Ran. If you’re not ready to leave-” There’s enough hesitation in Tokiya’s voice to get a sour look on Ranmaru’s face. He’d cut Tokiya off. 

“After the shit you went through for _two years_ Tokiya, I don’t even wanna let you go to the _bathroom_ alone. Fuckin’ let alone leaving you by yourself again.”

Tokiya would get quiet for a long time, and his voice is very quiet. “What would my obligations be if I returned with you?”

“No.” Ranmaru would click his tongue. “You made it clear that you didn’t wanna be there. ‘M not gonna send you back. Toki, I want you to cut the shit and tell me honestly. Do you want me to stay with you?”

Tokiya’s hand would tighten, gripping Ranmaru’s shirt. His voice is a whisper. “Yes.”

“Then let me. I want to stay and make sure you’re safe. When you left the first time, if you would’a asked me to come with you, I would’ve said yes. I didn’t want to make a choice- but if I had to, it’d be _you_.” Ranmaru’s statement is too heated for him to realize how sweet it really was, but that’s not lost on Tokiya. Tokiya would press himself closer to Ranmaru, closing his eyes. 

“I love you, Ran.”

“I love you, too, babe. A whole fuckin’ lot.”

Neither man had really been surprised when there had been a knock on the door and they had opened it to see Ren. Ren, upon seeing Tokiya, would have hugged him tightly. 

“I would have been here much sooner.” Ren would have sighed. “But it was too suspicious to leave right after Ran.”

“I hope I didn’t force you to leave, too.” Tokiya would mumble. “That seems to be a theme.” 

Ren would pull back a bit, with a disapproving frown. “Don’t be ridiculous. I’m here because I want to be with you and Ran. I’ve had more than enough of the Agent life myself.”

“...I am glad, to have you with us. Don’t misunderstand.”

“I won’t.” Ren would smile, a fond, adoring smile. 

“Good. We were about to take a nap.” Ranmaru would pull Tokiya back, into his chest. “Drop your shit in the living room and come join us.”

Tokiya would laugh, and the sound would make Ren smile. As Ren steps inside, Ranmaru would pull Tokiya back upstairs.


	33. Chapter Thirty-Three

Tokiya would sit on the couch, his legs pulled underneath him and his hands holding his closed book. 

“So. Serious discussion.” Ren would say, his hands resting on his knees. “Marriage.”

Tokiya would nod, his face calm. Ranmaru’s watching both Ren and Tokiya pretty intensely. 

Tokiya would go through his points in his head. This was an expected conversation, because Ren had brought it up some time ago. 

They were all retired at this point, no longer working their idol jobs, which would leave marriage a real option. Ren and Ranmaru had been together for nearly ten years. Tokiya had joined the relationship around seven years ago, so he was certainly the latecomer. He still didn’t quite feel as in tune with either of them as they seemed with each other. Seven years was a long time, but not as long as ten. And, of course, Tokiya hadn’t known both of them for his entire life like they had known each other. That, and they seemed to compliment each other. 

Tokiya did want to be married. He _really_ wanted to get married. There was something about it that really appealed to him- and perhaps it was the normality, or the sentiment of forever. The proclamation of love, as cheesy as that sounds. 

The confirmation that he was, and would be, cared for. 

“I think it should be between you two.” Tokiya would say, with a small smile. There is no reflection of his thoughts on his face. 

Ranmaru would narrow his eyes. “Why d’ya say that?”

Ren’s attention would turn to Tokiya as well. 

“You’ve been together, and you’ve known each other, much longer. Not to mention- it’s unfortunate that we still need to think of fan reactions, but I truly do think they’d react to you two the best. And the last thing I want is for the fans to give any of us a harder time than they’re already likely going to.”

“The fans don’t matter nearly as much as _we_ do, Toki. Of course it would be nicer if we could all get married, but in the eyes of the law- we can’t. So the main priority here to find the solution that won’t make any of entirely unhappy.” Ren would frown. 

“Then I stand by my word. I really do believe that it should be you and Ran.” Tokiya’s voice sounds genuine. He’s pushing his own opinions back, for the sake of them. It’s not a lie. He does think that they should marry each other. His own feelings be damned, so long as they’re happy.

When Tokiya smiles, he uses the positive emotions of feeling that they _should_ be together to make it real. It’s a soft smile, bigger than his first, and he works to soften his entire expression, his eyes included. 

Ranmaru and Ren would both watch him carefully. 

“You sure?” Ranmaru would speak up. 

“Absolutely positive.” Tokiya would affirm. 

“You’re not lying to us?” Ren would lean forward just a bit, his voice stern. 

Tokiya would shake his head, giving a good-natured sigh. “I’m being entirely honest. I really think it should be the two of you.”

They’d watch Tokiya’s face for a long moment, but his expression doesn’t change. Finally, Ranmaru would turn to look at Ren, and Ren would return Ranmaru’s glance. 

“What d’ya think?” Ranmaru would grunt. 

Ren’s expression would soften, but his smile is almost cheeky. “I certainly wouldn’t mind getting married to you.”

“Are we doing this?” 

“I believe that we’re doing this.”

It would be three days later that Tokiya would have moved all of his things to his car and would have written a note. 

“I’m sorry. 

I know that this is a cowardly way to end things, but I believe I’ve given all that I can to this relationship. I love you both, and I doubt I ever won’t, but I genuinely wish nothing but the absolute best for the both of you. 

I would have told you to your face, but I don’t think I would have been able to stick with my decision. If you find anything of mine that I’ve forgotten, feel free to trash it or get rid of it in anyway you see fit. 

Take care of yourselves. 

Tokiya.”

Tokiya would have set the note in the kitchen and would have left. If he stayed too long, he may rethink it. 

It was a difficult thing, because it was entirely his fault. 

He was happy for them. He was happy they were getting married- but he wasn’t sure if he had a right to stay then, after they were actually bound together. He felt a bit like a mistress. 

Besides. They didn’t need him. They could be happy together, and Tokiya knew it. It was why he said that they should be together. It was hard to feel bad for himself, when he instructed them to not include him. 

Tokiya would spend the next few days in his car, until he’d finally find himself a terrible, small apartment and a job working as a gas station employee. 

The apartment is not in a good shape, and he’s only making enough money to afford it. It’s fairly bare, with a main room that he uses as a bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom. It doesn’t matter how clean he keeps his apartment, he’s found ants, and once or twice he’s found a rat. 

He spoke to the landlord, who claimed they couldn’t do anything, and he had forgone most of his grocery budget to try to call an exterminator, but one visit had only solved the issue for a short time, because _all_ of the apartments were in bad shape, and Tokiya couldn’t afford to keep calling the exterminator back. 

His bed was a mattress. No sheets, or pillowcase- just a bare pillow and a blanket that wasn’t quite long enough. He _should_ have had money from being an idol- but it had been a few years, and he had given quite a lot of money to his mother. 

Not to mention that quite a lot of his money was in his shared account with Ren and Ranmaru. He still had the card- but he couldn’t bring himself to pull any money out of it. He was positive that Ren and Ranmaru wouldn’t mind. It was Tokiya’s money, technically. 

That didn’t mean he’d do it. 

Tokiya’s condition had severely deteriorated. He was constantly sick, and pale, and he was stick thin. He didn’t eat much, but he wasn’t very hungry, anyways. He had a nasty cough and he was often nauseous. He still worked six days a week, and he’d spend two hours of his free day doing what little errands he had, and then would spend the rest of it lying in his bed. 

He felt physically miserable, and he missed Ren and Ranmaru. He spent a lot of time stuck in daydreams, wondering if he made the right decision or not. 

Tokiya had gotten quite a few texts and calls from both Ren and Ranmaru. Ranmaru called more than Ren, but Ren texted far more than Ranmaru. Tokiya listened to the voicemails, and read the texts- but he’d never respond. 

For a long while, the texts had stopped. He had gotten no calls. It had been almost a year since he had left them, but only a month since the last message, which was just a reachout from Ranmaru, asking if he was alright. 

Tokiya felt bad, not answering those texts. But if he responded, he was worried they’d pull him into a longer conversation. Tokiya couldn’t defend himself. He couldn’t defend himself then, and he couldn’t defend himself now. He thinks that he can defend himself _less_ now- now that he’s began to regret his decisions. It was a hasty, sad feeling. 

He should have spoken to them, perhaps. He shouldn’t have taken the coward way out. Maybe he wouldn’t be as miserable as he is now.

But Otoya would have texted him. 

“are you going to ranmaru and rens wedding?”

Tokiya would respond to him. 

“Is that already coming up?”

“its next month! werent you invited?”

“I’m sure I would be if they knew my address. I’ll reach out to them- I’d like to go.”

“if you cant reach them you could always come with me! im sure theyd let you in, and even if they don’t, you could be my plus one!”

“That sounds perfect, Otoya. Thank you.”

“of course!”

With an assurance to go, Tokiya wouldn’t have reached out to Ren or Ranmaru. What was the need, if Otoya would bring him? 

When the time rolls around, Tokiya is in a terrible shape. Moving isn’t a simple task, and he knows how terrible he looks. He’d have used dollar store makeup to cover himself the best that he could, and he’d use an old suit. He brought most of his clothes, but a surprising amount was more casual. 

Tokiya knew that this was going to be the last time he would see them. He just wanted to see them happy. That was the only reason he was going. 

He had no intentions to approach them. 

Tokiya had no intentions of going back to work, either. He felt terrible in a way he had never felt before- and he genuinely didn’t think he’d last much longer. He was in his late thirties. It was a young age to die, but he couldn’t afford health insurance, and he couldn’t bring himself to a hospital. He certainly didn’t have the money for that.

Otoya’s bright smile would drop when Tokiya would have met up with him, his eyes widening. “You look terrible.” Otoya’s voice is worried. “Are you sure you’re okay enough to go? I’m sure they’d understand if you couldn’t make it.”

“I’m fine, Otoya.” Tokiya would give a soft smile. “I’d really like to be there for them. But you look great. How have you been?”

It would take a moment for Otoya to get comfortable with the topic change, but when Tokiya would finally ask about the orphanage, Otoya would proudly announce that he owned his own. 

That would mostly be what they spoke about until they had arrived. It was a truly beautiful wedding, though it was fairly obvious that Ren had done most of the planning. Tokiya wonders if he were the reason they had waited so long to get married. He hoped not. 

Once they were inside, Tokiya would smile at Otoya and would apologize-

“I’ll be right back. I think I see Syo. Why don’t you go catch up?”

The bait would work, because Otoya would nod and would rush towards Syo excitedly. Even for a grown adult, Otoya still had the energy of a puppy. It was nice to see. 

Tokiya would find a seat towards one of the back rows. He’d even sit in the middle, so that he wouldn’t be easily spotted. 

The ceremony would have made Tokiya cry. It had put a warm feeling in his chest, and Ranmaru’s smile was a sight that Tokiya loved. 

At the reception, he’d sit toward a table in the back. There weren’t reserved seats, so sitting in the back, away from the head table, wasn’t difficult to do. Otoya wouldn’t have looked for him- Tokiya thinks that Otoya might think that he left. He certainly felt like leaving. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave just yet. He was going to soon, but seeing Ren and Ranmaru was a hard thing to pull himself away from. 

He’d keep his alcohol consumption low, but he’d still have a drink. His table was empty, because everyone was up and socializing at this point. And then the chair besides him would pull out, and Tokiya wouldn’t glance up, cursing himself in his head. 

“Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is strained. “I didn’t think I’d see you.”

“I was trying to stay in the background. Today is a good day. I didn’t want to make either of you sad.” Tokiya would finally look at Ranmaru- and he’d realize that he can’t see his face very well in the dimly lit room. That means Ranmaru likely can’t see Tokiya very well, either. 

“Think it’s a little late for that.” Ranmaru would sigh. Tokiya is waiting for the next sentence. He’s expecting Ranmaru to ask him why. Or to ask him why he bothered to come. He’s tensed, waiting for it. “You didn’t respond to anything we tried. We were worried sick.”

Tokiya would blink. “What?”

“Why wouldn’t you talk to us? You dropped that on us out of fuckin’ nowhere and you were gone.” Tokiya can see Ranmaru’s face well enough to see the hurt. “If we couldn’t have convinced you ‘t stay, we at least wanted to know you were _safe_.”

Ranmaru’s disappearance, as brief as it had been, had attracted Ren’s attention. The table that Tokiya and Ranmaru were at was entirely empty save for them, so Ren would make his way over. At first, his hand would land on Ranmaru’s shoulder, to see who he was speaking to, but he’d freeze, his eyes widening, when he finally takes in Tokiya. He’d move, to take the seat on Tokiya’s other side, and even in the dark Tokiya can tell that his expression is stunned, and sad, and there’s even a hint of disbelief. His voice is breathless. “Toki-”

Tokiya would swallow hard. He can’t glance to either side without looking at one of them, so he’d look down at the table. “I’ve been fine. ...If something were to have happened I’d have contacted you.”

“I don’t think I believe that.” Ranmaru would sigh. “If you weren’t sure about leaving- why would you?”

“I don’t know.” Tokiya’s answer is honest, and his throat is tight. “I- this isn’t the conversation to have today. I’m not trying to upset either of you. I just wanted to see you both happy.”

“We can drop it if you promise that you’ll talk to us later.” Ren would say. His voice is almost desperate. 

“Alright.” 

“Will you give us your address, at least?” Ranmaru would say, his voice almost a mutter. He clearly doesn’t want to drop this. 

Tokiya doesn’t want to- but he still would. 

Someone would get the couple’s attention, and Ranmaru would huff and Ren would frown- but they’d be pulled away. 

“We’ll be right back.” Ranmaru would promise, as he’s being moved. 

Tokiya would let his head drop against the table as he’d take in just how miserable he feels. Especially after that conversation, what little strength he had left was gone. He’d stand before they’d return, and he’d stumble out of a side door. He might have even made it away if he hadn’t needed to fall to his knees by a median to throw up what little he had in his stomach. There was so much stomach acid in it he was probably burning the bush that was bearing the burden of it. And then Tokiya would feel a hand on his back. He hadn’t even heard the footsteps over the sound of his own sick. The hand would move, pull away, but would then land against his back again. 

Tokiya can feel his eyes burn with tears. It didn’t matter how long he was sick, he hated it. He hated how terribly he felt. He’d dry heave for far longer than he feels he should, and then his body would give up on him. He’d manage to turn himself so he’d at least land in a sitting position, leaning against his own car. He had met up with Otoya and they had taken his car- but Tokiya wasn’t worried about Otoya getting back. There were enough band members that someone would give him a ride back. 

It was dark outside, but his car was beneath a street lamp, illuminating both Tokiya and Ranmaru. Ranmaru looks shocked, taking in Tokiya’s face. Tokiya would just close his eyes before Ranmaru can really settle on any one emotion. 

“What the fuck happened, Toki?” Ranmaru’s voice is so quiet. 

“I just needed to make it through today.” Tokiya would breathe out. “I’m… I’m just going to go home.”

“You can’t drive.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat, and it’s a command. There is no room for argument. 

“I don’t have a choice.” Tokiya would shake his head. “It won’t be a long drive.”

“You’re not driving.” 

Tokiya would bring his hands to his face, covering it. He had a horrible taste in his mouth and he was feeling even worse than he had before he threw up. He can’t hold in his sob, but the cry would turn into a coughing fit, and then he’d have to lurch back to the planter to dry heave some more. 

“What’s going on with you?” Ranmaru’s voice is extremely serious. 

Tokiya can’t make his way back to a seated position. He’d just slump, his head resting on the curb- but it would only be for a moment because Ranmaru wouldn’t let him stay like that. “I don’t know.” Tokiya’s voice is much hoarser now. “I don’t make enough money to visit a doctor. I… hoped it would pass, but it hasn’t. I don’t think I’m making it much longer.” Tokiya’s voice would actually tremble during his last sentence. This is the first time he had stated the sentiment aloud, and the first time telling anyone else. 

Ranmaru would reach into Tokiya’s pocket, and he’d grab Tokiya’s keys. 

“Wha-” Tokiya doesn’t get to finish, because Ranmaru cuts him off. 

“I’m driving you to the hospital.”

“I can’t afford that, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is almost pleading. “And you can’t leave your wedding. That’s not what I came here for- I didn’t want to ruin this.”

“You’re not. I hate that you’re in this state- but you showed up. You’re not getting rid of us this easy again.” Ranmaru would promise. Tokiya thinks that it’s mostly to himself. “I’m gonna help you get in the car, and then I’m gonna go tell Ren.” 

Tokiya would frown, but Ranmaru would still put him in the backseat of his car, letting him lie down. When Ranmaru comes back, he isn’t alone. Ren would slide into the backseat, putting Tokiya’s head on his lap. Ren’s hand would rest on Tokiya’s chest, his other petting through Tokiya’s hair. He’d then cover Tokiya’s eyes, to turn on the light in the car to get a good look at Tokiya’s face, and he’d frown, looking almost guilty. “If I had known you were this bad I would have made you leave earlier.”

“You can’t both just leave your wedding for me.” Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow, but it isn’t easy because he’s beginning to get a bad headache. 

“All ‘a our guests are drunk anyways. They’re gonna drink themselves sick and take cars home. No one’s gonna realize we’re gone.” Ranmaru would start the car as he speaks. 

“And you’re more important.” Ren would add on quickly. Ranmaru would grunt in agreement. 

“I shouldn’t be. I just up and left you. Why are you both treating me like I haven’t?”

Ren’s voice gets quiet, but it’s honest. “We were both too worried to stop caring about you. There wasn’t any closure, or acceptance, because we couldn’t stop thinking about you, and if you were okay. You went off on your own, and the only things you had taken were your clothes and your books. You hadn’t taken any money, and no one we had contacted had seen you. I was worried you were dead.” Ren’s voice turns upset as he speaks. “You didn’t make it sound like you really wanted to leave. We didn’t want you to leave. We just… I couldn’t understand it. When you wouldn’t answer us, I was scared something happened to you.”

“This is your chance, Toki.” Ranmaru would say quietly. “Sick or not, this is the one I’m givin’ you.” Tokiya feels nervous. “If you really want us to leave you alone, we’ll make sure that you’re taken care of, and then we’ll leave. We won’t contact ya, or see ya. We’ll just… leave you be. ‘S long as you’re okay and safe.”

“I don’t know.” Tokiya would whimper. 

“That’s not an answer.” Ren’s voice is much softer, but it was clear they were on the same page. “We want you back.” Ren’s hand would brush softly through Tokiya’s hair. Tokiya wonders if he’s in a fever dream. But there’s too much guilt- he shouldn’t be stealing the grooms from their wedding and then resting his head in the lap of one of them on their wedding night. “We miss you. We didn’t want you gone.” 

Tokiya’s voice is barely audible. “I regret leaving. I just don’t think it’s fair to force my way back in. It’s not _our_ relationship anymore. It’s yours.”

“Bullshit. You’re not outta it until you tell us to our face that you’re done.” 

“But you’re married now.”

“Legally.” Ren would agree. “But the point of marriage is the feelings behind it. I… wish you had talked to us honestly about how you felt. But just because we didn’t have a public wedding doesn’t mean that you mean any less to me than Ranmaru does.”

“And vice versa.” Ranmaru would grunt. “But that’s your answer.” It’s not quite a question- possibly because Ranmaru doesn’t want Tokiya to take it back, but he’d still leave a pause, for Tokiya’s affirmation. 

Tokiya would take a moment. “It is.”

“Good.” Ranmaru would glance into the rearview mirror, just for a second. Ren’s hand hadn’t stilled, still petting through Tokiya’s hair. “We’re here.” Ranmaru would mumble, as he’d pull into a spot and park. When Tokiya would sit up, he’s stopped by a harsh round of coughing. Ren, who hadn’t seen the extent of Tokiya’s illness, would have been extremely concerned, his hand resting lightly on Tokiya’s back. 

The way that Ren places his hand on Tokiya’s back makes Tokiya realize why Ranmaru had pulled his hand away earlier. Ren’s hand wasn’t flat, because his spine was too pronounced. When Tokiya is led inside, Ren would bring him to a chair as Ranmaru speaks to the front desk. Ranmaru would bring back the paperwork, and Tokiya would fill it out with a very hollow feeling. He wasn’t sure how he’d bounce back from this debt. 

And then Tokiya would see Ranmaru go back- and he doesn’t catch _everything_ Ranmaru tells the nurse, but he thinks he asks her how he can take care of the bill. 

Tokiya would frown, but Ren would catch his attention. 

“Just fill out the form, Toki. The sooner you get in the better.”

Tokiya would glance back at Ranmaru, but he would start on the form. 

He’s kept there for a week, with a terrible case of pneumonia. It wasn’t difficult to treat, but they would have confirmed that without treatment he wouldn’t have been likely to make it through the week. Tokiya hadn’t even noticed until he was brought back that there were specks of blood on his hands and shirt from how hard he was coughing. 

Ren and Ranmaru would have alternated who had stayed with him in the hospital. Tokiya would have tried to apologize, about being the reason they must be missing their honeymoon, but neither man would hear him out. When Tokiya would be released, they’d both be there to pick him up. 

They wouldn’t say anything about where they were going, but Tokiya would get quiet when they’d pull up to his apartment. “Apartment four, right?” Ranmaru would ask, eying the building with a growing sense of skepticism. Tokiya would nod. “Let’s go.”

All three of them would go inside. Ren had been driving, and had been driving his own car, but Ranmaru still had Tokiya's keys, and he’d hand them to Tokiya so he could unlock the door. Tokiya doesn’t meet either of their eyes as they walk in to see his living condition. 

“What the fuck, Toki?” Ranmaru would actually raise his shirt over his nose, less than a minute of walking into the apartment. “Jesus, you were _living_ here? No wonder why you were so sick.”

Ren looks beyond worried. Ranmaru would look back to Ren, and he’d shake his head. “Take ‘im outta here. I’ll be back out in a minute, but I don’t want him staying in here right now.”

Ren would nod immediately, taking Tokiya’s arm and leading him out of the building. When Ranmaru does come out, he’s taken two bags. It was everything that Tokiya had. 

Ranmaru would throw it in the trunk, and he’d climb into the car. Ren sounds almost nervous when he speaks. “How bad was it?”

“Obviously there’s somethin’ not right with the air. I found ‘a couple ‘a dead rats and some bugs. Was nothin’ in the fridge, and barely anythin’ in the apartment. I got it all emptied. Most of your stuff was fine, Toki, but the place itself is a fuckin’ hellhole.” Ranmaru had gotten in the back, with Tokiya, and he’d look at Tokiya, his eyebrows furrowed. “Why were you there?”

“It was all I could afford. Even with as bad as it was, I still could barely afford it. I… really wasn’t eating much. But I was so sick I couldn’t really care.”

“I wish you would have reached out.” Ren’s voice is sad and quiet, but he’d begin to drive. 

“You don’t deserve to live like that.” Ranmaru would say gruffly. 

Tokiya would stay quiet. 

Ren would have taken Tokiya’s clothing to throw it in the washer, and Ranmaru would have put Tokiya’s books back in their place. Tokiya would have tried to help, but neither man would let him. When night time would come around, Tokiya would have lied down on the couch. 

“You don’t have to sleep on the couch.” Ren would frown. “That can’t be comfortable.” 

Tokiya would shake his head. “I insist.” His voice is firm. Ranmaru would sigh, but Ren would go to get a pillow and a heavy blanket. It would have been around midnight when Tokiya would have carefully opened the door to the room, his lip trembling and his face embarrassed. He’d walk closer, his hand almost trembling. He’d reach out to Ren, but he’d pull his hand back and he’d step back slightly. Ren would have opened his eyes, still mostly asleep, but he would have reached out when he’d see Tokiya repeating. He’d manage to catch Tokiya’s wrist. 

“Did something happen?” Ren’s voice is a tired mumble at best, but he does sound concerned. 

Tokiya hadn’t been able to fall asleep. It was another night that he often had- so trapped in daydreams and fantasies that he wasn’t getting any real rest. He desperately wanted to be in the bed with them- though he wasn’t quite sure how that would roll over. He’d actually manage to bring himself to ask. “I’m sorry for waking you.” Tokiya’s voice is a whisper. “I was just…” Tokiya’s voice is emotional, his throat closed off. “Could I sleep in the bed with you two tonight?” 

He feels like a child, but even in the dark he can see Ren’s expression soften. Tokiya was just hoping to sleep on the edge, but Ren would slip out of bed, carefully ushering Tokiya into the middle. Tokiya wouldn’t fight him on it, climbing under the covers that Ren had held up for him and not stopping until he was nearly touching Ranmaru. Ren would climb in on the other side of Tokiya. “Can I hold you, baby?” 

Tokiya feels his eyes burn a bit, though not necessarily in a bad way. “Please.” His voice is still very quiet. He’s almost surprised when he feels two arms wrap around him. He hadn’t even realized that Ranmaru was awake, but his arm was around Tokiya’s torso, just above Ren’s arm. Tokiya would let his head fall forward, his forehead pressing to Ranmaru’s shoulder, and he’d close his eyes. Tokiya doesn’t have any difficulty falling asleep. 

Tokiya sleeps for a long time- the first comfortable night’s sleep he’s had in almost a year. He’s in the same position when he wakes up, wrapped in both Ranmaru and Ren’s embrace, even though they’re both wide awake. They’re speaking to each other in hushed whispers, though it isn’t about anything important. 

“Have I kept you?” Tokiya would mumble, his voice still sleepy. 

“Not at all, baby.” Ren would say softly. “We’re just both glad to have you back.”

“I’ve asked this before… but is it really alright to just let me back in as if I haven’t left?”

“You left for a year.” Ranmaru would say, his voice a bit disapproving, but it would soften a bit when he continues. “But we had seven before you left. That doesn’t count for nothing, Tokiya.”

“Can you explain to us why you left, darling?” The pet names would make Tokiya’s chest constrict. Ren was worried about him, still. Ranmaru was, too. Had he really worried them so much that they weren’t angry with him? That thought only makes Tokiya feel worse. 

“I didn’t want to end up as a second choice, or a plan B.” Tokiya’s voice is so quiet. “It wasn’t that I didn’t love you, or that I didn’t think you loved me. I convinced myself I would get in the way. I wasn’t sure when I left, and I was less sure when I was gone- but as soon as I had driven away I felt that it was too late to return. I never responded to either of you because the only ways that it would end would be me getting confirmation that you really were fine without me, or you’d convince me to come back. And I wasn’t sure if I was right in leaving or not. I just… I was afraid to become a third wheel, so I made an impulse decision, because I knew you two would be okay with each other.”

“Do you still feel like you’re going to be a third wheel, Toki?” Ren’s voice is quiet and cautious. 

“I do.”

Ren would get quiet for a moment, and then he’d sigh. “If you must think of yourself like that- I’d like you to think of this relationship as a tricycle, and I’d like you to think of yourself as the front wheel. The trike won’t ride right unless all three are in place- but it won’t ride at all without the front wheel. You’re incredibly important. We need you for us all to perform correctly- and I think that you need us, too.” 

Tokiya’s body would relax, and he’d close his eyes as he’d feel them burn. “Thank you, Ren.” His voice is hardly audible. 

They would have implemented a few different nights. There would be one two nights each month that Ren and Tokiya would spend together, two that Tokiya and Ranmaru would, two that Ranmaru and Ren would spend alone and then one night where they’d all be left to their own devices. The idea of the night that they spent alone was implied that they would use it to do something they enjoy, or spend it with someone outside of the three of them. 

Tokiya would have used his first night alone to go to the bar. This was actually not an uncommon thing- because his alone night had fell after both of Ren and Ranmaru’s nights, and both of those nights had been spent at the bar. He would get so drunk that he couldn’t even coherently call a car home, and he’d stumble his way back, falling asleep before Ren or Ranmaru could realize just how much he had overdrank, and then he’d quietly suffer through the hangovers. 

Tokiya knew that Ranmaru and his friends were going to grab a drink- but he still didn’t think that they’d find their way to the same bar Tokiya was at. 

Tokiya was on his fourth drink already. He never went there to stay long, and because of his distaste for the actual taste of the alcohol, he ordered something strong and downed it. At first, Ranmaru and his friends would have sat themselves at a table, and Tokiya had noticed him immediately, and would have turned his head to focus on his own business. 

When the stool pulled out besides him, he was hoping that it wasn’t Ranmaru, but he wasn’t surprised that it was. Tokiya was already fairly drunk. Not incoherent, but nowhere near sober.

Ranmaru would glance in front of Tokiya. The bartender hadn’t taken the empty glasses, so it was clear how much Tokiya had gone through. “What are you doing?” Ranmaru would sigh. 

Tokiya would stare at him for a long moment, saying nothing. 

Ranmaru would rub his eyes, careful not to mess up his eyeliner, and then he’d pull Tokiya’s drink away from him, putting it in front of himself. Tokiya would reach for it, but Ranmaru would catch Tokiya’s hand. “I think you’ve had enough, Toki. It’s good that you’re gettin’ out, and it’s fine to drink, but you don’t need to drink ‘t get drunk. ‘Specially not all by yourself.”

Tokiya’s face must reflect how upset he is, because Ranmaru’s face would soften, though he still wouldn’t let Tokiya have the drink he was guarding. “What’s goin’ on babe?” Tokiya would glance back at Ranmaru’s friends, but Ranmaru would shake his head, getting Tokiya’s attention. “Don’t worry about them. I just want you ‘t tell me what’s wrong.”

Tokiya would look away, and he’d wipe harshly at his eyes with the back of his hand. The alcohol didn’t help with how overemotional he was being at the moment, but it did help loosen his tongue. “I feel like a homewrecker sometimes.” Tokiya’s voice is hardly a mumble, but Ranmaru is able to make it out, though he seems almost incredulous. 

“What?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow. “What does that mean?”

“Sometimes when you touch me, and Ren, too, and I feel your rings, I just wonder if this is what I should be doing.” Tokiya would actually get almost a little desperate, trying to get his drink, but Ranmaru would move it further, so Tokiya would give up, and he’d just close his eyes and rest his head against the bar. “I know I’m being whiny, and that I have no right to-” Tokiya is distracted by the sound of metal, hitting the glass of the bar, and he’d look up, surprised. Ranmaru had set his ring down, hard enough to make the noise, but when Tokiya sees it, he’d slip it into his pocket. 

“If it’s the rings that bother ya, you should’ve told us.”

“What right do I have-” 

“We’ll figure somethin’ out. For now- we just won’t wear the rings. Easy as that.”

Tokiya would look at Ranmaru, and he doesn’t even realize that he’s crying until he is. Ranmaru would reach up, wiping Tokiya’s cheek with his thumb. “C’mon. Ren’s still at home. ‘M sure he’ll watch you for the rest ‘a tonight.”

“I don’t need to be watched.”

“It’s Ren or me, Toki. I don’t like leavin’ ya alone when you’re drunk.”

“I’m not drunk.” Tokiya would argue, frowning. 

“Stand up.” 

Tokiya would, but he’d sway on his feet and he’d be forced to sit down. “I just stood up too fast.” He’d mumble, a hand raising to his temple. 

Ranmaru would get on his phone, tapping on it for a moment, and then he’d slip it in his pocket as he stands. “C’mon. The car’s gonna be here soon.” 

Tokiya would sway, and Ranmaru would hold onto his arm to steady him. He’d lead Tokiya outside, and it would only be a moment later when a car would pull up. Tokiya had been leaning against Ranmaru. 

“Are you mad at me? For complaining so much?” Tokiya would mumble. 

“I get annoyed when you don’t talk to us. I’d much rather have you tell us what you’re upset about, complainin’ or not.” Ranmaru would click his tongue. “And I think that if you trusted us more, you wouldn’t feel so shit about telling us what was wrong. When we say we care about you, if you just _believed_ us, it’d cut out a lotta your other problems, ya know. You’re not believing us, so you keep having the same insecurities, same problems, same worries. And then you feel bad sayin’ ‘em because you’re repeating yourself. But I think Ren and I both are more open ‘t reassurin’ you if it means that you’re talking to us. Let’s go. Car’s here.”

Ranmaru would lead Tokiya forward and help him into the car. When they get back to the apartment, Ren is relaxing on the couch, watching a movie, but he’d look up surprised to see Ranmaru and Tokiya, and he’d take a close look at Tokiya and his eyebrows would furrow, but his face is a bit sad.

“Met up with him at the bar.” Ranmaru would sigh. 

“You can leave him here. I’ll keep an eye on him.” Ren would promise, pausing the movie and sitting up. 

“I could just go to sleep.” Tokiya mumbles. “So I’m not interrupting either of your nights.” 

“I’d feel much better watching over you.” Ren admits, moving to his feet. “And you aren’t interrupting anything exciting.” Ren would squeeze Tokiya’s shoulder. 

“I should go meet back up with the group. ‘S long as you’re both good without me.” Ranmaru would watch Tokiya’s face, and Ren’s, and Ren would give him a soft smile. 

“You should go have fun. I’ll take care of him.”

“Please don’t stay behind because of me.” Tokiya would frown. 

Ranmaru would sigh, ruffling Tokiya’s hair. “Make sure y’tell Ren what’s wrong.” He’d glance back at Ren. “I’ll be back in a few hours. Probably midnight at the latest.”

“Stay safe.” When Ranmaru heads back out the door, Ren focuses on Tokiya. “Why don’t we get you in some more comfortable clothes, baby. You can tell me what’s wrong, and then we can just cuddle on the couch and watch something.”

“Okay.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. Ren would lead him into the bedroom and would pull out some sleep clothes for Tokiya, and he’d help him change because Tokiya is awfully unsteady on his feet. When Ren leads him back to the couch, he’d drop him off to go grab a bottle of water, putting it into Tokiya’s hands. 

“So what’s going on, sweetie?” Ren’s entire attention is on Tokiya, but Tokiya feels more inebriated than he was talking to Ranmaru. 

“I told Ran that I don’t feel right sometimes. Like I shouldn’t be here- especially when you’re touching me and I can feel the rings.” Tokiya’s voice is hushed. “Ran took his off- and I… feel a bit bad about it. That wasn’t how I meant for it to come across.”

“I actually think that’s a good idea for now.” Ren would say quietly. He’s not as obvious as Ranmaru was, slipping off his ring, but he would. “If it makes you uncomfortable, it’s an easy fix.”

“But I don’t have the place to ask you to take them off.”

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, and maybe a bit at Tokiya’s phrasing, but then his face would relax. “A temporary fix.” Ren would reassure. “We’ll figure something out.”

“That’s what Ran said, too.” Tokiya would mutter under his breath. Ren would stand. 

“I’ll be right back.” He’d promise, leaving the couch. Tokiya would hear him first in the bedroom, and then he’d move to the kitchen, though he’d stop before he’s entirely inside. “Would you like anything to eat, darling?”

Tokiya would get quiet, but it is an actual consideration. “I am hungry.” He’d mumble, and Ren would give a soft chuckle. 

“I’ll find something for you. Real food or snacks?”

“Snacks.” 

Ren would come back with a bowl of popcorn, and as they watch the movie, Tokiya would hoard most of it, but Ren doesn’t seem to mind. Towards the end, Tokiya would have fallen asleep against Ren’s shoulder. 

It would have only been a week later when Ren and Ranmaru would have been together in the bedroom for some time. Tokiya would wonder- but he could hear soft discussion through the door, so he’d leave them alone and stay in the living room. But then Ren would come out, wrapping his arms around Tokiya’s shoulders, kissing the top of Tokiya’s head. “Will you come with me, baby?”

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow, but he would make a soft, agreeing noise, setting down his book and getting up from the couch. He’d follow Ren into the bedroom, where Ranmaru is sitting towards the edge of the bed. Ren would close the door behind Tokiya, and Ranmaru would hold a hand out. When Tokiya walks closer, Ranmaru would set his hand on his lower back. 

“I’d like to see something.” Ren says softly, smiling fondly at Tokiya. Ren would reach into the side drawer, by the bed, and would pull out a small velvet box, and he’d open it, revealing a thick, silver band. Ren would take it out, and Tokiya’s eyes are just a little too wide. “May I?” 

Tokiya would give him a deer in the headlights kind of look, but he’d nod, and Ren would grab Tokiya’s left hand, and he’d slip the ring onto his ring finger, kissing his knuckles. Tokiya would look at Ranmaru in surprise, but Ranmaru would give him a small smile that would make Tokiya’s heart race further and his face heat up. 

Tokiya’s face would soften, but Ranmaru would talk. “Obviously we can’t legally marry you, but ‘m pretty sure Ren was the one that said that marriage was mostly about feelings, right? We want you in our relationship.”

“And we hope that this says exactly that. You don’t need to feel left out, because you are a fundamental part of us. We love you. And we both hope that you’ll accept this ring.”

“How couldn’t I?” Tokiya’s voice is soft. He’s taken his left hand, holding it to his heart with his right. “If you really mean everything that you’ve told me, through all of this- then of course I’ll accept it. I… thank you. I love you both, too. With all of my heart.”

Tokiya would sit on the couch, his legs pulled underneath him and his hands holding his closed book. 

“So.” Ren is sitting on the couch next to him, his legs crossed, and his hands on his knees. Tokiya notices his ring, back in its rightful place. Ranmaru’s ring had returned as well, and Tokiya hadn’t taken his off. Ren is wearing a soft smile, looking between Ranmaru and Tokiya. “Serious discussion. Where should we go for our long awaited honeymoon?”


	34. Chapter Thirty-Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; serious medical issues

Tokiya was getting up there in age- they all were. Tokiya was almost _forty_, and both Ren and Ranmaru were already in theirs. It’s been over five years since STARISH has been active, and it’s been around eight for Quartet Night. 

They had been together for almost twelve years. Thirteen, for Ren and Ranmaru. 

There were too many moments where Tokiya would feel lost. He’d have to stop, staring blankly at his book or pushing his food around his plate, unsure of what he was doing. He had only ever known show business, and now he was completely out of the limelight. He was living a slow and quiet and domestic life with Ren and Ranmaru. No crazy schedules, early mornings or late nights. Much less stress and not nearly as many deadlines- no giving control of his life to his boss, or having every single move watched by the public eye. No more writing music- at least no music that anyone would hear.

Some things were the same. He was still sharing a room with other boys- even if those boys were dating him. He was still sharing clothes, and items, usually by accident or chance. He still played instruments, and he still sang in the shower, but he certainly didn’t have an audience anymore. 

He wasn’t sure that he liked that. He was forcibly retired after ripping a muscle in his leg. He still walked with a bit of a limp- and it crushed him. Ranmaru watched over him fairly closely for the first few months, and then Ren came home and announced that the band was done. Even being forcibly retired, it still hurt Tokiya. It was almost just as bad that Tokiya didn’t have any consistent contact with any member of STARISH besides Ren. They all went their separate ways, and that was that. 

Ren could have easily continued solo- and Ranmaru could have as well, for that matter. For some time, Ranmaru actually had still done some events. Filled in as a guest bassist and vocalist for some travelling bands, or had done some short sets by himself, but nothing that ever really stuck. Ren might have continued on, but Tokiya knew that Ren didn’t for Tokiya’s sake- which only made Tokiya feel terrible. Tokiya couldn’t deny that he _had_ been jealous of Ren, when he got to continue while Tokiya had to stop. Tokiya would swear up and down the wall that it never surpassed jealously, there was certainly no resentment there- but Tokiya couldn’t ignore that Ren hadn’t even wanted to be an idol in the first place, and yet he was the one who continued longer than Tokiya. 

They were both careful with him, which was a good thing as much as it was the bane of Tokiya’s existence. The majority of their fights had come from Tokiya’s insistence that he wasn’t bothered, but that he just wished they’d stop bring his old idol life up. And then he’d begin to start angry crying, and he’d have to pathetically limp himself out of the room, which only made the entire situation worse. 

That was the start of their current chain of fights. Tokiya hadn’t eaten anything for the past two meals, too absorbed in himself and reminiscent of the past that day. 

“Toki, talk to us.” Ren’s voice was almost pleading. Despite how many times he and Ranmaru had lost this battle with Tokiya, it never seemed to stop them. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.” Tokiya’s voice is sharp. 

Ranmaru’s expression is already cautious. This was a topic that Tokiya would even fight Ren on, which immediately puts Ranmaru in a precarious place. Tokiya loved Ranmaru just as much as he loved Ren- but it was much easier to fight with Ranmaru. Ren was good at shutting Tokiya down, and Ranmaru was good at riling Tokiya up. 

“You’re upset. You can’t just keep bottling this up, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is almost disapproving. 

Tokiya was in no mood to continue this conversation, so he’d grab his plate and stand. He’d begin to make his way to the kitchen, but when Tokiya got really upset, his limp seemed to worsen, and that’s what would lead to his stumbling. He’d catch himself on the island, his arm slamming into the granite, and he’d barely keep a hold of the plate. And then the angry tears would form in his eyes. Ranmaru had been closest, and he’s the first one that would reach Tokiya, though Ren is on his feet as well. 

“Leave me alone.” Tokiya would snap. “I can help myself.” Tokiya wanted them to leave before he did, because it wasn’t going to be easy. The way his leg was bent under him meant that the only way he could move was down. He’d have to drop himself to the floor and then struggle his way back up, but it was a sad sight to watch. Unfortunately, they weren’t likely to leave the dining room, and he was in plain sight of that. Ranmaru’s jaw would set, but Tokiya would ignore him, setting his plate down on the island with a bit of a clatter, and then lowering himself down. He’d fall harder than he meant to. 

Ren would rush forward, but Tokiya’s expression is hard. 

“I don’t want help.” Tokiya’s voice is angry. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m not helpless.”

“Just because you can doesn’t mean you have to.” Ranmaru would finally speak, his voice aggravated. 

Tokiya would still wave away their attempts at helping him, but he’d realize that he had landed too far from the wall to use it to help himself up. He had successfully trapped himself, and the only real way he could run from this situation was by crawling. Tokiya’s pride may have been wounded, but it wasn’t _gone_. He was still a very prideful man, and he certainly wasn’t going to crawl away from Ren and Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would remain on the floor. He’d hang his head, his injured leg stretched out in front of him but his uninjured leg pulled up against his chest. It was better than hanging from the island, but not by much. 

“Tokiya, did you hurt yourself?” Ren’s voice sounds worried. Scared, even, just a bit, at the lack of Tokiya’s movement. 

“I’m fine. Stop hovering over me.” Tokiya would close his eyes tightly, to keep his angry tears from spilling onto his cheeks. If he cried, they’d relent on their anger, but they’d stick too close. Once he had begun to cry, they wouldn’t leave him alone, and he wouldn’t be able to just walk away from the situation. He didn’t want to be consoled, or treated like a child. He knew that wasn’t what they were trying to do- but that’s what it felt like sometimes. 

They’d make him feel better. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to feel better. He wasn’t done processing what he was feeling, and he hasn’t handled it yet- be it through sulking or pushing it down and ignoring it. 

“You can’t just stay on the kitchen floor.” Ranmaru grunts. 

“Watch me.”

Tokiya didn’t really _want_ to stay on the kitchen floor. He wanted them to help him up even less. 

“If you can’t get up, we’ll help you.” Ranmaru sounds fed up. “But we aren’t gonna let you just sit on the floor.”

Tokiya would grit his teeth, and then he’d shift. He would turn over onto his good knee, his hands braced against the ground, but he can’t find any position to put his bad leg that doesn’t hurt. He would just bear it, but both his good and bad leg would shake as he’d force himself up. Ranmaru and Ren would both grab an arm to pull him up, rather than watching him struggle, but he’d pull his arms away as soon as he was up. He’d move to grab his plate again, but Ranmaru would take it, snatching it before Tokiya could grab it. 

“Leave it.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “Just go lie down.” 

Tokiya would huff, but he’d walk around the island, trying to avoid walking past Ren and Ranmaru. He’d glance back at them, his face exuding a careful indifference. Ren looks sad, and Ranmaru is looking away from him- he looks unhappy. Frustrated. Tokiya would just head into the bedroom. 

After that, everything had become a battle for two days. 

Tokiya would just begin leaving the room when they’d enter it, choosing to find isolated places to read. For the most part, they’d try to talk to him, but would relent when he’d shut them down, or try to run. Tokiya thinks that they aren’t pressing because he scared them when he fell, and they’re worried that he’s going to hurt himself trying to get away from them. 

There’s an excruciating amount of guilt, but Tokiya can’t give in. 

Well, he can. 

But he won’t. 

The worst fight they had was right before bed on the second night. Tokiya had felt off all day- unwell. Like he was sick. Not that he had let that on to either of them, of course. It was hard, however, to ignore how much worse his attitude had gotten today. Ranmaru would have walked into Tokiya watching something on his phone, sitting on the couch, and Ranmaru would have walked behind him and looked over his shoulder. 

“Stop.” Ranmaru sounds angry. A whole day of Tokiya walking around like an on edge cat, snapping at either boy with the slightest provocation had gotten to Ranmaru. “You’re making yourself miserable and you need to knock this shit off.” Ranmaru would reach forward, pressing the power button on Tokiya’s phone, making the screen go dark. Tokiya had been watching a video of one of his old solo songs- as Hayato, nonetheless. “It’s not bad to remember the past, but you can’t live in it. _Just talk to us._ All that we’re tryin’ to do is help you.”

Tokiya would get silent. Usually, he’d at least argue back- but he’s _angry_. Irrationally so, but he’s mad. His hands shake. 

Ranmaru’s face is grim. Disappointed. 

“You’re not gonna say anything?” Ranmaru doesn’t mean to poke the bear. That’s not what he’s trying to do. He’s trying to get Tokiya to talk when Tokiya is refusing. He’s trying to help Tokiya. 

Ren would hear the commotion, and he’d walk out, his face cautious. “Ran? Toki? What’s going on?”

“He’s watchin’ his old idol videos.” 

Ren would go to say something, his expression turning sad. Was he disappointed, too? Probably. Tokiya would cut him off before he could speak. “I’m not in a mood for yet another lecture Ren. Save it.” His voice is cold. 

Ren is almost taken aback. His expression is a bit hurt, but he hides it quickly. 

“I don’t need to hear it from you, either, Ranmaru.” Tokiya cuts Ranmaru off before he can even open his mouth. “You’re both making it _your_ problem, and it’s not. I’m the only one who should be bothered by this, and I’m not. So stay out of it. Both of you.” 

Tokiya doesn’t look at Ren. He doesn’t look at Ranmaru. He doesn’t want to see how upset Ren is, or how livid Ranmaru is. 

“C’mon Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice is tight, but he’d walk away from the couch. “He’s not gonna listen.”

Ren would stay quiet, but Tokiya hears two pairs of footsteps leave the living room. He hears the bedroom door close. 

They wouldn’t _make_ him sleep on the couch, but that’s where he was going to sleep. Neither of them would stop him. Tokiya doesn’t think he’s ever fought with them the way he had tonight. Clearly, he’s gotten angry with them- but he usually tries to give them credit. He tries to remind himself that they only want to help him. 

He doesn’t usually attack them the way he did.

Tokiya knew that Ranmaru could handle it. He knew that Ren could, too- but he almost never attacked Ren. 

It was why Ranmaru had gotten as angry as he did, too. Because Ren didn’t deserve Tokiya’s anger. 

As he’d calm down, he’d feel miserable. His head would begin to hurt, would begin to pound. Was this a migraine? 

His guilt makes him so sick that he has to go stumble into the bathroom. Was his leg even worse than it was this morning? His limp was so heavy right now that he could barely make it to the trashcan in the living room before he’d throw up, let alone the bathroom. 

Tokiya didn’t feel right, and it scared him. What on Earth had gotten into him? What was wrong with him? Why was he like this?

If he hadn’t felt so sick, he would have kicked himself out of the house. He would have sent himself to hotel room. But instead, he’d lie down on the couch. 

Ren is silent when he walks out, but it’s an almost childlike silence that makes Tokiya want to cry. Tokiya just watches him with an empty expression. Ren is holding a pillow from the bed and a blanket from the closet. 

“You don’t have to sleep out here.” Ren’s voice is soft, in the worst kind of way. “But I wanted to bring these, if you don’t want to come back in tonight.” 

Tokiya wouldn’t speak. Everything in him is yelling at himself, to apologize. Or to at least thank Ren. But Ren wouldn’t stay to hear a response as it was, setting down the items on the edge of the couch and retreating back to the room. He doesn’t completely shut the bedroom door. 

Tokiya doesn’t use them. He curls up on the couch, ignoring the pain in his leg as he does. It takes him some time, to finally sleep, but it isn’t restful. 

Especially not when he wakes up to a sharp pain. He tries to move, to put his hand on his head, but he can only get his right arm to move. His left stays useless at his side. His face feels strange, but with focus, he can move it- but the left side of his face feels sluggish. He can’t move his left leg. 

Tokiya is terrified. It’s hard to think, but it isn’t hard to be scared. It isn’t hard to start crying. He feels like he’s shaking, but when only half of his body is moving, it’s so hard to tell. 

Tokiya sees his phone on the coffee table, and he tries to pull himself off of the couch with his right arm. He’d pull himself off, but he’d land hard on the floor, yelping softly when he lands on his bad leg. Even with his right side working with him, it isn’t enough to pull himself. 

“Ren?” Tokiya would call out to Ren, his voice desperate. He’d swallow, hard. It’s not easy to form words, but they’re coming out okay, if a bit slurred. “Ren?” It’s more of a sob at this point. 

Tokiya hears the bedroom door open, and Ren’s tired, but concerned, voice. “Toki?” 

Tokiya would let his forehead fall on his arm, letting out another sob. Ren would make his way over, and he thinks he can hear Ranmaru, shuffling behind him. 

“Tokiya?” Ren’s voice is panicked. He must see the outline of Tokiya on the floor in the dark living room. “I’m going to turn on the lights, okay?” Ren would wait, only a second, to make sure that Tokiya doesn’t tell him to stop. As soon as the lights are on, Ren is headed over to Tokiya. 

Tokiya isn’t looking up, lying in a slumped position on the floor. 

“Shit.” Ranmaru wasn’t far behind Ren. 

Tokiya doesn’t mind the concern in their voices. At this point, he’s scared, and he’s confused, and he’s in pain. 

“Tokiya, what’s going on? What happened?” Ren is careful to turn Tokiya over, onto his back. Tokiya’s left arm would nearly smack against the wooden floor, but Ren would catch it to carefully set it down. 

“I can’t- I can’t move anything on my left.” Tokiya would whimper. His words are coming slowly. 

“I’m gonna call an ambulance.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff, but he’d move. He’d take Tokiya’s phone from the coffee table. 

Tokiya would reach up, a bit blindly, with his right hand. He’d grip onto Ren’s arm. He doesn’t try to talk. 

Ren is trying to be careful. He’s clearly panicked, but he’s trying to keep Tokiya as calm as he can. “I think you’re having a stroke, baby.” Ren’s voice is gentle. “Ran’s calling for help. It’s going to be okay.”

Tokiya can hear Ranmaru talking on the phone, calling an ambulance, he’s sure- but he can hardly make out the words. 

“Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is quivering. He can’t remember the last time he’s been this scared. “Am I dying?”

Ren would make a short noise- a pained one. A surprised one. And then he’d recover himself, and his voice would get soft, consoling. “No, baby, you’re not. We’re going to get you help and you’re going to be okay.”

It’s easier to stay quiet, so that’s what Tokiya does. Ranmaru would move to unlock the door, and then he’d move back besides Tokiya, next to Ren. 

From that point on, it’s a blur. 

Tokiya is brought to the hospital, and it’s confirmed that it was a stroke. Their best guess was that it was stress related- his blood pressure had raised and had caused the clot. 

Surgery was their last option, they would have reassured Tokiya. 

They would have told him that he was young for a stroke, but there were quite a few men that had gotten strokes at a younger age. They would start him on medication and physical therapy, and they’d recommend that he avoid stress. 

That was a good intention- but when Tokiya could properly think again, his blood pressure would already begin to run worryingly high. When Ren and Ranmaru would come in to visit, Tokiya would begin crying.

“I’m sorry. Oh God, I could’ve died and the last thing I had done would have been to be cruel to you- I--” Tokiya had gotten lucky, and his speech had hardly been affected, though now his words aren’t coming easy through his closed up throat. 

“No, Toki, don’t do this to yourself. Especially not right now.” Ren would have moved, carefully taking Tokiya’s right hand. 

At the moment, Tokiya was still in the hospital. 

“Keep yourself calm.” Ranmaru is gentle, running his hand through Tokiya’s hair, petting through it softly. 

“You’re going to be okay, and that’s all we care about.” Ren would carefully squeeze Tokiya’s hand. “God… a stroke. ...Thank you for calling me, Toki. I… can’t even bring myself to imagine what would have happened if you didn’t.”

“I don’t know that I even deserved to call you, after what I said.” Tokiya’s voice would break, and Ren’s face would turn horrified, just for a second. 

“Please don’t say that, Tokiya. You handled that situation perfectly, darling.”

Ranmaru would grunt in agreement. “‘M sure that Ren would agree when I say that I’m willing to drop everything that was said. Just.. humor me. How were y’feelin’ that day? Before you went to sleep?”

Tokiya would frown. “Not well. I… I felt really sick and unwell.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds sad. “Toki, all we want is for you to be safe and happy. The only thing that we can ask is that you let us help you.”

“We want you to ask us for help.” Ren’s voice is soft. “And I hope that you keep that in mind. But for now-” Ren would smile at Tokiya. “You did good. I want you to remember that, too. We want you to talk to us- but more than that, we just need to make sure that you’re relaxed. I know that’s not easy for you, but it’s really important. So we’re done interrogating you.”

Relaxing was certainly something that was easier said than done for Tokiya, though Ren and Ranmaru really did their best to help. When Tokiya had gotten home, he didn’t clear his own plate for over a month. He didn’t even get his own food for the first week. He didn’t move around very much for the first week and a half when he wasn’t doing physical therapy- 

Though Ren and Ranmaru were careful not to force Tokiya into it. 

For what felt like one of the first times in his life, he had went along with it. It felt strange, for sure, to let them help him as much as he did. 

Some came easier than others. 

Like when Ren had offered to get him his plate for him, Tokiya had agreed, but his face was a bit red. Or when Ranmaru assured him that he could get his plate, and Tokiya simply would have thanked him. 

Ren had smiled at him setting down his plate, and Ranmaru had smiled picking his plate up. It was a small and simple gesture, but it was all because Tokiya had let them help. Admittedly, it had made Tokiya soft. 

But others had come harder. Like when Tokiya had found himself in tears because he couldn’t change himself. He had managed to lower himself to the toilet seat, tangled in his shirt that he hadn’t even managed to get off, and the frustrated tears had come quickly. 

He would have swallowed hard, after a few minutes of attempts, and his voice is quiet. It’s a miracle either boy had heard. “...Ren?”

The bathroom door would open, just a crack. Though it isn’t as if they hadn’t seen it all anyways. 

“Are you okay, baby?”

“I can’t change.” Tokiya’s voice is genuinely upset. “I can’t get my shirt off.”

“It’s okay.” Ren’s voice would turn gentle as he’d enter the bathroom. He’d quickly help Tokiya get untangled from his shirt. “Things will eventually get easier.” When Ren had helped Tokiya get his shirt off, he’d lean forward to kiss Tokiya’s forehead. “That’s what the physical therapy is for. You’ve been doing well at it. If you keep it up, I’m sure you this won’t be a problem soon.”

Tokiya can’t watch Ren when Ren helps him take off his pants- the best that he can do is to let Ren lead him, to try to make it easier. He’d let Ren help him put on a nightshirt, but then he’d swallow, still not looking at Ren. 

“I’m just going to sleep in my underwear.” His voice is quiet, and a bit defeated. “I won’t make you go through the struggle of helping me put them back on.”

“If you’re more comfortable sleeping in pants, baby, I’m more than happy to help you.” When Tokiya doesn’t respond, Ren takes a pair of sweatpants, and he’d help Tokiya, pulling them up midthigh before having Tokiya stand. “Just hold onto my shoulder, alright?” Tokiya can only grip him with his good arm, but Ren pulls his pants up the rest of the way. Tokiya has to sit back down, but Ren presses a short kiss to his lips. “That wasn’t bad at all. And soon enough, you’ll be better to not even need my help.”

Tokiya would press his forehead to Ren’s, closing his eyes. “I don’t deserve you.”

“Toki, you’ve made me indescribably happy more times than I could have ever asked for. I’m sure that Ran would say the same thing. We’ve made it this far. We’re going to get over any rough patches we hit, alright?”

The next rough patch wouldn’t come long after. 

“I can’t just do nothing.” Tokiya would mumble, almost a bit miserable. “But what can I do?” He’s lying in bed, between Ren and Ranmaru. He always slept in the middle, because if he needed something, he could wake either of them up, and they could help him- either helping him up to do what he needed, or grabbing something he needed to grab. He had begun to manage to use his arm again. Not well- and his grip was still fairly weak, but it was far better than his leg. The doctor’s had told him that he had a chance to regain use of his arm, but his leg wasn’t going to get better. It had been through too much trauma to ever properly heal. 

Ren and Ranmaru would be quiet for a moment, but Ren would speak up. “You mean as a job, yes?”

“Yes.” Tokiya would sigh. “I can’t stand for any length of time, and I can still hardly use half of my body. My options are incredibly limited.”

“Give me a day. I’m gonna talk to some people.” Ranmaru would mumble, admittedly half asleep. “I’ve got an idea.”

Ranmaru would come back home the next day, sitting on the couch next to Tokiya. “So I’ve got an offer.” Ranmaru would watch Tokiya’s face. “‘Bout the whole job thing.” 

Tokiya would nod, turning to Ranmaru, interested. 

“What would ya think about doin’ audio books?”

Tokiya would blink. “Audio books?”

“Figured it’s up your alley, and it won’t be real straining on your body.”

“That… sounds almost too good to be true.” 

Ranmaru would laugh, a corner of his mouth curling up. “Doesn’t it? But I talked to a couple ‘a guys from a talk show, and it turned into a ‘I know a guy who knows a guy’ situation, but I kept pushin’ and it sounds legit. I brought up the name Tokiya Ichinose, and the guy jumped at it. He’d love ‘ta have you.”

Tokiya’s entire face would soften, but his eyes are bright with excitement. He’d put his good hand on Ranmaru’s face, and Ranmaru would lean down to help Tokiya pull him into a kiss. Tokiya’s smile is fond. “Thank you, Ran.”

Ranmaru would ruffle his hair, but his expression is adoring as well. “Anything for you.”


	35. Chapter Thirty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a sequel to Chapter 12, and this fic will make more sense if you read that one but you don't have to. 
> 
> It's another Saw Crossover because I'm way too interested in that series oops  
so warnings would be blood and torture and cursing

Ranmaru immediately knows that something isn’t right when he wakes up, sitting propped upright. He thinks he hears quiet crying. Ranmaru would try to open his eyes, but it’s dark, and he thinks there’s a bag over his head. When his head pulls up, a string breaks, and memories come flooding back to Ranmaru, of the last situation that reminds him of this. 

When he watched Tokiya’s trap. When he was a part of it. Ranmaru is going to guess that isn’t his role right now, though. Ranmaru loses count of time as he waits for something to happen. He hears others in the room, beginning to rouse, and then all of the sudden the bag over Ranmaru’s head would lift in a swift movement, as well as the bags over the heads of the others in the room. 

Ranmaru is stuck to the chair, his hands nailed to the armrests. He’d look at the others, his eyes immediately landing on the woman across from him. He actually recognized her, but it took him a long minute to remember from where. She was a woman that had stood up for Ranmaru, when he was in the support group for victims. She was part of her husband’s trap, like Ranmaru was part of Tokiya’s.

Next to her was another man from the group. He had defended Ranmaru, too. There was a young girl next to him, of no more than thirteen. Next to him was another familiar face- a older woman who was also a survivor of a trap. Ranmaru would look back to the other side, next to the lady who had also been a trap, and there was a young man, turning to console her. The last new face was back over next to the older woman, and it was a younger girl, likely in her early twenties. On Ranmaru’s right, where he had heard the crying from- was Tokiya. Ranmaru would react immediately, ignoring the pain to pull on the nails keeping his hands in place. He would manage to free one, his face turning into a grimace. Tokiya isn’t quite seeing Ranmaru, but Ranmaru would feel a hand wrap around his wrist when Ranmaru would move to pull his other hand free. Ranmaru would look at the tanned hand holding him down, and his face would turn pained, at first, when he’d look up to see Ren. But his face would turn absolutely livid, when he’d see his six-year old son, sitting in the chair next to Ren. 

Legally, Ranmaru and Tokiya were married, though all three men wore rings. It had been nearly ten years since Tokiya had found himself in a game, and it had been five, since Ranmaru’s old bandmate had passed away and had left a one year boy with no father and a mother that wasn’t in the picture. There weren’t any close relatives of his bandmate, but when they had gone to his mate’s contacts, Ranmaru had been one of them. Ranmaru had seen the kid a few times, and he had regained his closeness to the bandmate, and through a lot of conversations, interviews and paperwork, Ranmaru and Tokiya had ended up legally adopting the kid. 

His name was Hiro. Ranmaru had never seen himself as a dad, but he loved his kid. And seeing Hiro, sitting in the chair, shaking, had made Ranmaru’s blood boil. He was enraged to see Tokiya, and more so when he saw Ren, and hell, he was pissed to see the thirteen year old girl- but _his son_? He was shaking. Tokiya’s head would have finally turned, and Ranmaru sees Tokiya fall out of his chair. Tokiya has a machine around his chest. This one is smaller, and a bit better fitting, wrapped around his chest like a metal pair of ribs, but Ranmaru thinks that it’s the same kind of machine. Tokiya looks focused, his face still holding the underlying fear and his chest moving with the sobs that he’s holding inside, but he’d kneel in front of the chair Hiro was curled in on, and when Tokiya reaches for Hiro, Hiro moves forward. Tokiya holds him tightly, cradling him, and Ren and Ranmaru watch, still. There’s so much pain on Ren’s face. Ranmaru would force himself to look around. There was nothing on Ren, or on Hiro- and there wasn’t anything on the young man or the teenaged girl. 

Ranmaru didn’t have anything on him either, except for a bracelet. Tokiya had a bracelet, too, as did everyone but the two kids, and two men. The woman who had defended Ranmaru had a device over her heart. It was extended too far, but it looked as if some sort of drill or blade was pressing against her chest. The man that had defended them both had a blindfold over his eyes, connecting to a helmet type of device. The other woman survivor was equipped with a type of metallic leg brace that seems to have multiple syringes on the outside of it, connected to it. The last girl, the one that seems to be in her twenties, has a metal machine, going up her neck and on her shoulders. Ranmaru isn’t quite sure what it would do. 

His attention would turn back to Tokiya, who is cradling Hiro. 

“I-” Tokiya would open his mouth, getting out a stuttering syllable before sharply cutting off. When he tries to speak again, a noise is the only thing that escapes his mouth. Ren would move, dropping besides them, now worried about them both- and Ranmaru was, too, of course, but he’d turn his attention to pulling his hands away from the chairs. He’d pry the nails out, but his quiet grunt of pain would get Ren’s attention. 

“Ran-” Ren would keep his voice quiet, but would pull away from Tokiya and Hiro to go to Ranmaru, gently taking Ranmaru’s hands by the fingers, to avoid the wounds. 

“‘S fine. Not gonna be much use stuck to the chair.” Ranmaru would reassure, his voice flat and quiet. Ranmaru would stand, and he’d take his hands back, and he’d reach out for Ren before hesitating, and he’d end up pulling his hand away before it landed on Ren’s arm. He’d turn to look around the room, his main focus on finding the door, but the first instruction is ‘Introduce Yourselves’, painted on the door. Ranmaru would scowl, but others would turn their attention to the door. 

“Let’s just sit down and say our names.” Ren would say quietly. “We should listen to what they tell us to do.”

Ranmaru would huff, sitting back down in his chair, and Ren would gently bring Tokiya to his feet. Tokiya is still holding onto their child, but would sit down in Hiro’s chair, the boy on his lap. Ren would sit down in his own chair. 

“My name is Ren.” His voice is quiet, but in the silent room, he’s heard fine. 

“Ranmaru.” He’d grunt out, scowling at the ground. 

The chair next to Ranmaru is empty, but the girl next to it would speak next, her voice shaky. 

“Tobe.”

Next to Tobe is the older survivor woman. “I’m Rie.”

The young, thirteen year old girl would speak, her voice very meek. “I’m Fuku. This is my dad-” She’d look towards her father, the man who had defended Ranmaru and the woman next to him. “Fuji.”

Next to Fuji is the woman Ranmaru saw when he first woke up. “Jun.”

Ranmaru notices Jun and the man next to her are holding hands. “Masayoshi.”

It would get back around to Tokiya and Hiro. Hiro is shaken up, by the situation, the way he had woken up, and Tokiya’s own fear. Ranmaru knows that Tokiya doesn’t mean to scare Hiro- Ranmaru would suggest that Hiro stay with Ren, if he thought that Tokiya would take it well. Right now, Ranmaru doesn’t think Tokiya would. Tokiya would open his mouth, but he’d shut it, unable to speak correctly. Ren would speak for him, softly. “This is Tokiya.” Ren would set a hand on Tokiya’s shoulder, and would move his hand to rest on the boy’s head. “And this is Hiro.”

“Does anyone know why we’re here?” Jun would speak, but her voice would shake. 

“I’ve already been through this.” Rie would snap. “I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve been fine!”

“Who gives a shit about us?” Ranmaru would spit. “There’s two _kids_ here. Don’t know what sick f-” Ren would glance at him, and Ranmaru would send back a tired look, but he’d change his phrasing. “What sick freakin’ person would set that up.” 

They’d be interrupted by the door opening. Ranmaru would grit his teeth, and he’d stand. He wouldn’t move towards the door- at least, not yet. He’d check on Tokiya, first. And he can hear Masayoshi doing the same with Jun, and Fuku checking on her father. Ranmaru would curl his hand, so that only his knuckles would touch Tokiya’s cheek. “Listen ‘t me, Toki. We can’t stay here, alright?” Ranmaru’s voice is no more than a mumble, “We’ll get outta this, but we’ve gotta keep movin’, babe.” 

Tokiya’s chest is moving, too shallowly, and the look he casts Ranmaru is desperate as he seems to finally, fully take everything in. He’d clutch at Hiro tighter and turn to Ren with a horrified expression, and he’d sob, unable to hold it in. “Wanna leave.” Tokiya would choke out, and Ranmaru’s face would soften. His expression conveys exactly what he’s feeling- helplessness. “I...I’m better. Was better.” 

“I know baby.” Ren would coo softly, his hand resting on Tokiya’s cheek. “And I hate this. I despise it with everything I have, but we just have to get out.”

Tokiya would stand, shakily. Hiro is clutching onto Tokiya, scared and confused, and the pressure against the metal cage isn’t comfortable, but Tokiya doesn’t let that on because he doesn’t want to let Hiro go. It wouldn’t take much longer for everyone to get around to heading towards the door. When everyone is inside, the door would shut behind them. There’s only one tape. 

“Welcome to your game. 

Everyone has a chance to make it out. The door will only open if at least eight people make it to the last room.”

There was something not quite right about the voice over. It sounded the same- but it just wasn’t quite… right.

“The real players are the six of you wearing bracelets. The four without will have their chance to separate themselves from the game in the next room, by entering the caged area. Each player will be given specific instructions, game by game. 

As for those of you with longer lasting instructions-

Ranmaru.” 

Ranmaru would tense, though he isn’t the only one. Ren and Tokiya are both still at his side, until Ren’s hand loops around Ranmaru’s wrist. 

“You must learn to listen. Throughout this game, you must help your fellow players a total of at least four times. When you have completed your test, and your fourth act of helpfulness, your bracelet will unlock.

Tokiya, you are wearing an iron lung. It’s been years, and you never have been able to move forward. Your device will activate the moment you leave this room. If your heart rate increases over 160 beats per minute it will constrict. If it constricts four times, your broken ribs will pierce your lungs.” 

Tokiya doesn’t feel Ren, moving, to touch both Ranmaru and Tokiya. He doesn’t see Ranmaru watching him. 

“Jun, you are not to help anyone, with any test. You have a soft heart- and for every weak moment you show, that drill will move closer to your heart. You have two chances- on the third, it won’t stop until it’s pierced through your heart.” 

Masayoshi is holding tightly ontoJun’s hand. 

“Fuji,” Fuku isn’t doing well at hiding her fear. With her father unable to see her reactions, she had no reason to hide them. “You still refuse to see the situation for what it is. Your mask will only unlock should you manage to pass your test.

Good luck.”

“What about me?” Rie would swivel her head, glaring around at the cameras. “What is this?!” She would gesture to her leg. 

Ranmaru understands that she’s scared. It’s hard not to be. But he’s also hyper aware of how she’s affecting everyone else- especially the kids. “Stop.” He’s snap. “You need ‘t calm down. If ya weren’t involved in the tape, you’ll get your instructions later.”

“You don’t have anything on _you!_” Rie would spit, moving closer to Ranmaru. 

“I’m still a player.” Ranmaru’s voice is sharp. “And my entire fuckin’ game is to help, and that’s what I’m trying to do. You’re freakin’ everyone out. Yourself, the kids- you’ve been through this before, so pull yourself together. We’ve all gotta get outta here so there’s no point in fighting us.” 

Rie would clench her jaw, but she’d stop arguing. Ranmaru would have to bite down his anger when he’d glance at Tokiya, even though Ranmaru’s bracelet would buzz. It’s a sharp, quick pain, and he’d assume he had done something wrong- but one of the four red lights on his silver bracelet would have turned green. But Hiro is panicking- he’s beginning to cry, and he’s trying to get Tokiya’s attention, but it’s clear that Tokiya was as shaken from Rie’s outburst as Hiro was. Ranmaru had gotten his point across, but he’s still angry. 

If it happened again, and Tokiya’s machine went off, Ranmaru would be furious. 

Ren’s voice is too soft, talking to Tokiya, trying to keep him calm. “You’re okay, baby-” Ren’s eyebrows would draw in, and his voice is so quiet that only Tokiya, and Ranmaru - who had gotten closer, could hear him. “It’s alright that you’re scared, but you’re scaring him worse, honey.” The boy was clearly terrified. Tokiya’s grip was careful, because the last thing Tokiya wanted was to hurt Hiro, but Tokiya’s own terror and disconnect _was_ scaring the young boy. Ren would carefully take Hiro from Tokiya, and Ren’s comment had managed to somewhat get through to Tokiya- because he would let Ren take Hiro. Ren would move, to comfort the struggling child, but Tokiya would step back, pressing himself to the wall. Ranmaru would follow him. 

Losing Hiro had been the right choice- because Tokiya could already hear the boy’s sobs quiet, but Tokiya felt worse, no longer cradling the child. Ranmaru would hold Tokiya to him, trying to calm him down. “You’ve gotta breathe. I know this entire fuckin’ thing is gonna be hard, but you have to keep it together.” 

“Don’t-” Tokiya would sob, hiding his face in Ranmaru’s neck.”Dunno if I can.” Tokiya would sob. “Scared.” 

Tokiya hadn’t had a real speech impediment in quite some time, and hearing it return would send a rush of pain through Ranmaru’s chest. Ranmaru would hold Tokiya, as tightly as he dared with the machine around his chest. “I know, Toki. I’m scared, too.” 

No one seems eager to push on, but Ranmaru would press his fingers to Tokiya’s wrist, refusing to move on until he was sure that Tokiya’s heart rate was safe. When Hiro would have calmed, and Tokiya wasn’t hysterical, Ren would have come back over. Hiro would have clung onto Tokiya’s leg, but Tokiya had gotten to the point where that was as much of a reassurance as it could be, and less of a crutch. Ren would have made a low, quiet noise, and when Tokiya would look at him, Ren would press his forehead against Tokiya’s. 

“We’re all going to get through this.” Ren would promise. “You’re not alone this time. Not in the same way.”

When they go into the next room, it’s almost empty, save for a door, leading into a cage. It looks strange- and it’s virtually just a divider. Jun and Masayoshi seem to have come to a conclusion- not that Masayoshi is all that happy to step into the divider. 

Ranmaru watches the young girl, the thirteen year old, Fuku, stand near her father with a resolved look, and Ranmaru sighs, stepping forward. “Y’should go. I’ll watch over him.” 

Fuku would look at Ranmaru with a furrowed, worried brow, but Fuji would give a strained smile. “Please, Fuki.” Fuku would look upset, but she would hug her father, and would leave into the side room. Ranmaru would feel a sharp jolt from the bracelet on his wrist. Two green lights.

Ren’s face is calm, but serious, and he’d be talking quietly to Mayayoshi. Ren would crouch down in front of Hiro, and would kiss his forehead. Masayoshi would offer his hand to Hiro, and Hiro would look at Ren, who would nod, with an encouraging smile, and he would take Masayoshi’s hand. 

“Ren, no-” Tokiya would start, and Ren would react quickly, to calm Tokiya down, pressing a short kiss on his forehead. 

“It’s alright. Keep calm, baby. I won’t do anything dangerous, alright? I’m just going to stay to make sure you stay calm.”

Tokiya tries to look angry, but he just looks scared. “Go.” 

“He’s right, Toki.” Ranmaru would say. 

Jun would give a strained smile at Tokiya. “We all have to get out of here, right? And he shouldn’t have any traps. Anything that could help us all get out.”

Tokiya would still look upset, but Ren would run his thumb across Tokiya’s forehead to smooth it out. “Ran is going to be busy helping out Fuji. I just want to make this easier on you.”

“Hiro-”

“Is safe. And we’re all making it out of this. I’m just helping you so we can _all_ leave, baby.”

The conversation between Tokiya and Ren would have distracted everyone, and no one would have seen Rie trying to enter the caged room. “Well, if he’s not going in, he can just take my trap.” She’d scowl, trying to enter the room. 

Her bracelet would light up, and her shout of pain would ring through the room as her body would convulse. Hiro would begin to cry as she’d stumble back, and Ren would immediately turn to Tokiya. “It’s going to be okay. Just focus on me, darling. Deep breaths.”

Ranmaru would watch as Masayoshi would try to distract Hiro, and Ranmaru would step forward to close the door separating the rooms. “We’re just testin’ fate, sitting here. If we ever wanna get out, we just need ‘ta keep movin’.”

Tokiya would stop arguing over Ren staying with him. Even Tokiya could see that it would be unnecessarily dangerous to leave Tokiya unattended, and no one besides Ranmaru or Ren could calm Tokiya down. Tokiya didn’t want his son to watch him die from something he might have been able to prevent. Tokiya’s hand would shake as he’d take Ren’s. 

The next room would be Ranmaru’s trap. Ranmaru would grit his teeth, as he’d pick up the tape with his name on it. 

“Ranmaru, you could stand to learn to shut your mouth.”

Ranmaru would scowl. There definitely wasn’t something quite right here.

“This trap is simple. You’ll find string and a needle in front of you. Close your mouth.”

Ranmaru would grit his teeth. He had already figured out the repercussions of this trap. It would be a lot harder to get his last two helpful actions out of the way if he couldn’t talk. Unless he ripped the stitches out. 

He really wasn’t looking forward to ripping the stitches out. It wasn’t going to be possible to lead a man that couldn’t see when he couldn’t direct him- and he’d be useless to Tokiya, with his mouth sewn shut. 

Ranmaru’s glare is venomous as he’d pick up the needle. His hands are surprisingly steady when he threads it. If the game master was planning to make him look like an idiot- they weren’t going to get the satisfaction. He could stay calm, while he wasn’t feeling any pain. Ranmaru would get it prepared, but he’d lower it, to make sure things were ready. To make sure that Hiro wasn’t looking. To make sure Ren had turned Tokiya away. Ranmaru was glad that Ren was focused on Tokiya. That Ren wouldn’t have to watch, either. Ranmaru would have to use the reflection of the shiny metal tray table that held the supplies to make sure he was sewing the right thing.

It would have hit close to home for Tokiya, and he wants to go to Ranmaru but Ren won’t let him. Ranmaru would drop the needle with a bit of a clang, but the door would open before Ranmaru had tied the string at the end of his mouth. 

At least taking it out wouldn’t be _difficult._ Besides working through the pain. Ranmaru had managed to only make the occasional pained grunt, but his face had been twisted and his hands had finally begun to shake. Ranmaru would take a second, to pull himself together, and then he’d turn, to put his hand on Fuji’s arm, to lead him into the next room. 

The next trap is a two for one. The floor is littered with bear traps, only a few feet into the room, and Ranmaru would stop, holding onto the man’s arm. 

Jun is the one that would carefully navigate her way to the tape. 

“Tokiya, can you forget yourself long enough to save someone else?

You must lead Fuji, verbally through the maze of traps. 

You will be punished for any stutter or unclear sentence.”

Tokiya’s face is horrified. “It’ll be okay, Toki.” Ren would say quietly, right next to Tokiya’s ear. “Just focus and take it slow.”

Tokiya’s lip would tremble, and he’s too afraid to say anything yet. He’d slowly and dutifully move further into the room, to get a better look at the room. Ranmaru would slowly let go of Fuji’s arm, but would pat his back. Ranmaru would make his way to a corner of the room, setting his way to take the string out. Maybe it was cheating- but if it was, nothing stopped him. 

Tokiya would tense, and Ren’s hand would rest on his back. 

“Step f-fo-” Tokiya would cry out as his bracelet would send a jolt of pain through his entire body. Ren’s hands move to his shoulders, trying to calm Tokiya back down. Fuji would still take the one, cautious step forward. 

Ranmaru had moved quickly, his forehead pressing against the grimy wall as he takes the string out, the opposite way it was put in. It hurt just as badly going out as it did going in. Ranmaru, with shaky hands, would wipe the blood from his mouth with his wrist, wiping that on his pants before going to Tokiya. 

“Shit.” Ranmaru would groan quietly, under his breath, on the way there. He could still talk. Not without pain- but he’d learn to manage. Tokiya would turn his head, hearing Ranmaru, and his eyes would search Ranmaru’s face. Ranmaru would move to Tokiya, his voice lowering. “‘M gonna help, okay? I’ll say it, nice and slow, and you just copy me, okay?”

Ranmaru had been trying to figure out a way to help Tokiya since he had heard the tape- while still fulfilling Tokiya’s instructions. Tokiya would watch Ranmaru’s face closely, and he’d swallow hard, but he’d nod. Ranmaru would take Tokiya’s hand, pressing Tokiya’s index and middle finger against the inside of Ranmaru’s wrist. His heart was a bit too fast, from the reaction to the pain, but Ranmaru was almost certain that his heart rate was slower than Tokiya’s. “Step left.” Ranmaru’s voice is slow and steady, and his mouth is besides Tokiya’s ear. 

Tokiya would close his eyes, and Ranmaru can feel Tokiya’s hand shake. “Step left.” It’s very slow, and it’s a little too soft, but Fuji would hear it, and he’d take a cautious step left. 

“One more.”

“One more.” Tokiya’s voice shakes, but it isn’t enough to set off the bracelet. 

“We need to hurry this up.” Rie would scowl. “How hard is it to tell him where to walk?”

Ranmaru would glare, especially when Tokiya winces. “You’re not helpin’.” Ranmaru would say flatly. He’d take a second, to look. There was a straight shoot, two more turns, and he’d be at the end of the room. “D’ya think you could handle a ‘lil more of a challenge?” He’d watch Tokiya. Tokiya is watching the route. He’d look at Ranmaru, looking uncertain, but he’d nod.

“So we’re gonna tell him to keep going straight, and we’re gonna tell him to stop, alright?”

Tokiya would nod. He’d mumble under his breath with a bit of worry. “Stop.”

“Alright. Tell him ‘t keep moving forward.” 

“Keep… keep moving forward.” Tokiya would grip Ranmaru’s wrist when the bracelet went off. It had waited until the end of his sentence. But Tokiya would look ahead, in pain, and he’d manage to call out in plenty of time. “Stop.”

Fuji had seemed apprehensive, walking forward, but he had listened. 

“Step left.” Tokiya is holding tightly onto Ranmaru’s wrist, but he’d say it without Ranmaru’s help. “Step right.” There was a button, by the closed door, and a key, and a note. The button clearly said Fuji’s name, and the note was written largely on the wall. 

“Do it yourself”

Tokiya’s eyes would widen. He couldn’t be expected to navigate Fuji through _unlocking the helmet_, could he?

“Keep calm, darling.” Ren would say quietly. 

“Reach forward.” Ranmaru would begin slowly. Tokiya would keep his hold on Ranmaru’s wrist, no longer using it to help with his heart rate and just using Ranmaru for support. 

“Reach forward.”

“Grab the key.” Tokiya would give Ranmaru a nervous look. “Deep breath, and then just tell him to grab the key.”

Tokiya would breathe in deeply, and his voice comes out weaker. He’s more afraid of what was likely going to come next. “Grab the key.”

“This one’s gonna be harder.” Ranmaru would sigh, thinking through it. He’d say this phrase slower. “Reach behind your head.”

This reminded Tokiya of speech therapy. Of hearing phrases, said slowly, and trying to repeat them. At least in therapy there wasn’t a threat of pain. “Reach… behind your head.” Tokiya would cry out as the shock went through his body. He had been tense since his mess-up, but they had let him finish it. As Tokiya was making his way through the shock, Fuji was fumbling on the lock on his mask. It isn’t an easy task, but he’d manage to unlock the helmet, and he’d throw it off, almost desperately. Ranmaru would wrap his arms around Tokiya, but he’d wince when his bracelet would send a shock of its own up his arm. There’s only one red light left. 

Ranmaru had helped Tokiya because he didn’t want Tokiya to end up getting hurt, or working himself up too much. Tokiya’s machine hadn’t tightened yet, and Ranmaru was trying to keep it that way. But the light was a nice added benefit.

Tokiya would pull away with wide eyes, “Hey, calm down. It’s fine. I just got a little shock. ‘S nothing.” 

Ranmaru would glance over. Masayoshi seemed to have tried to keep Fuku from paying too much attention, but it doesn’t seem to have worked because she’s pressed against the gate. 

“Oh thank god.” Fuji would sigh, after pressing the button. When the door had opened, his bracelet had fallen off.

Ranmaru would set a hand on Tokiya’s back, and Ren would follow them closely, maneuvering themselves around the traps. The next room has a chair, and on one of the legs, there seems to be a vice. There are three holes in the vice, and a tape recorder on the chair. 

“Rie,” She hadn’t even pressed it. No one had. The tape had started when everyone was in the room. 

“Consider this breaking your bad habit. Despite being put in a game to help your drug addiction, you continue to use. The concoction in those needles is straight acid. There is a chance the acid will only destroy your leg, should you choose to let it- but it could travel through your veins and take you with or. Or, you could crush the machine. 

Use your vices to save yourself.

The door is open. Should you choose to leave with the machine attached, the acid will release.

To activate the vice, simply line up your needle with the holes and press the button on the side of the chair.”

Rie would stare at the chair with a distant look on her face. It would take her a long moment to head towards the door, and it’s Ranmaru that would catch her arm on the way. She’d rip her arm away, to glare at him. 

“Look-” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. He’s sick of talking. His mouth is sore, and he just wants to be out of here. To be safe. To have Hiro, and Tokiya, and Ren be safe. To have his family safe- and these strangers. That poor teenage girl. “You’re gonna lose the leg. If ya walk out that door, you’re gonna be lucky if that’s all ya lose. ‘Ve never injected _acid_ directly into my veins, but I doubt it’s gonna be fuckin’ pleasant. Don’t be stupid. It’s gonna hurt, but at least this won’t kill you.”

“What if I want to die?”

“You’re still being stupid, then. There’s no guarantee that you’ll die. Y’might as fuckin’ well as just do this. Neither option’s good, but at least this one isn’t isn’t both selfish _and_ stupid.”

“Fuck you.” Rie would spit. Ranmaru wouldn’t respond, and it’s only because she’s heading back to the chair. 

“Fuck.” Ranmaru would grit his teeth, hissing a bit, as his bracelet would sent the worst shock yet, lighting up fully green. The bracelet would open, falling from his wrist. Tokiya looks alarmed, at first, but calmer when he notices the bracelet is off of Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would idly rub his own wrist with his bracelet. 

Hadn’t he done his test?

Was it not over yet for him? It must not be. Both Fuji and Ranmaru had done their tests, fulfilled their challenges and had lost their bracelets. 

Rie isn’t quiet when she hits the button. Tokiya would cover his face, and Ren would turn, to try to keep him calm. Tokiya hated this- but he didn’t think he would activate his trap over this. He understood why Rie was so sharp and defensive, but it didn’t change the fact that she was making everyone’s life here harder. Tokiya still wasn’t heartless, and he still couldn’t say that she deserved this. Tokiya could hear the crunch of bone and metal, and the shattering of glass as the vials would fall to the floor, now unsecured by the broken machinery. He would hear her screaming. He could hear Hiro crying. 

He could hear Hiro crying out for Tokiya, and for Ren, and for Ranmaru. 

“Go.” Tokiya would mutter quietly. “‘M okay.” 

Ren looks uncertain, but he’d glance at Ranmaru, and then he’d move over to the gated wall. Ranmaru would have moved to take Ren’s place with Tokiya. 

“‘M okay.” Tokiya would insist weakly. 

“I know, Toki. You’ve been real good, babe. Just wanna make sure we keep it that way.” Ranmaru sounds tired. 

When the vice would finally release, Ranmaru would step away from Tokiya, and Jun would step up to help Ranmaru- but Ranmaru would put his hand out, and would point to her chest. “Don’t.” Jun would blink, her hand moving over the drill, and her voice is quiet. 

“Thank you.”

Ranmaru would grunt, but he’d look at Tobe and jerk his head, to get her to help. Together they’d get the metal pieces off of Rie’s leg. They wouldn’t get a thank you. Neither would Fuji, when he’d help her up, to support her. 

Ranmaru was impressed. 

Fuck this situation, and fuck whoever had put them here- and it kind of pissed Ranmaru off. 

There were four innocent people here. Entirely innocent. And he couldn’t forgive whoever put them in there just because they had a chance to be safe- because there were two kids, going to be scarred for life. And if the group on the other side of the wall failed, it sounded like they’d be left for dead. 

And most of the people in the other room didn’t seem like they deserved to be here either. Tokiya _had_ gotten over most of his trauma. As far as Ranmaru could tell, Jun was here because she was too nice. Tobe seemed quiet, and Ranmaru had no idea why she was here. Fuji’s didn’t make much sense to Ranmaru either. And as for Ranmaru- he wasn’t the best judge to say whether he deserved to be here or not- but it sounded like he was in here for being a jerk. Seemed like a bit of a stretch to Ranmaru. It wasn’t as if he had any difficulty completing his game. 

They would all make their way to the next room. Ren had managed to calm Hiro down a bit, but without being there physically, it was fairly difficult. 

The instructions for the next room is just “Take a Seat”

There are three screens, and three chairs. Each screen has a name on it. Each chair looks normal, but Jun and Tokiya would split off to sit in front of their respective screens. The door opens and a tape plays. 

“All non active players, cross to the next room.”

Ranmaru’s jaw sets, and Ren frowns. Fuji helps Rie to the next room, Tobe following behind, and after a second, Ranmaru grabs Ren’s arm, leading him out. 

The door closes behind them and a screen flares to life, showing the room where the three are sitting. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s on the screens, but Ranmaru had managed to catch enough of Tokiya’s- if Tokiya’s panicked response hadn’t been enough. 

“They’re watching their games.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet, more to Ren than anyone. Ranmaru is pissed. 

Ren can easily tell why. “They’re trying to screw them both over.” Ren’s voice is just as quiet. “Tokiya’s machine is going to get off, and if Jun gets up from her chair then so will hers.”

“What is Jun doing?” Tobe would speak up, her voice almost fearful. 

Jun is watching the TV intently, but she’d reach under, and she’d pull out a key. 

Tokiya’s response had been bad from the moment the TV had started- it hadn’t taken him long to go over the heart rate limit. This machine was different. The Iron Lung the first time had hurt, but it hadn’t collapsed in the same way this one had. The way this one worked was that it would close, almost entirely, but then would reform its previous shape. Tokiya had broken ribs, for sure. If it had closed any tighter, it would have killed him on the spot. 

Tokiya would have collapsed out of his chair with a cry that could have been heard through the door. He’d lie on floor, crying, and shaking, and clutching at the machine, trying to get it _off_. It was so much worse. 

Jun wouldn’t glance away from her screen. The two children and her husband were still in the room with the screens. Their door hadn’t opened to let them go into the room with the others. Tokiya would turn painfully onto his other side, because he could hear Hiro wailing, but Tokiya wasn’t recovered enough to do anything to console him. He could hear Hiro struggling to get closer. 

“No. No, no, please. Don’t-” Tokiya’s voice is a stutter, but his pleading is coherent enough to understand. He’d whimper. “Please.”

Jun wouldn’t speak, as she’d stand from the chair with the key. She would unlock the door to the side of the gate. 

“We can leave.” Jun would say quietly to her husband. “There’s a door in this room. If you come with me, I can take off this device, and we can leave.”

Masayoshi would watch her closely and he’d step out of the room. When he’s let go of Hiro, Hiro would try to leave, but Fuku would catch him, with wide eyes. “What about everyone else?” She’d ask, but her voice would shake. Hiro is crying. 

She had stepped out of the room to catch them, but Jun would take the chance to grab Masayoshi, pulling him inside of the room again and would close the door. As soon as the door is closed, her device would unlock, and her bracelet would fall off. 

“You still have eight people.” Jun would back up, grabbing onto Masayoshi. Tokiya would watch from his spot on the ground, trying to struggle his way to his feet.

Masayoshi wouldn’t be able to look at any of them. “I’m sorry.” 

Jun would press against the wall until she had found an unsteady part of it, and she’d manage to unlock the door. 

A side door would open, and she’d leave, pulling her husband with her. 

Tokiya realizes with a growing horror that the door to the next room isn’t going to open unless he manages to move in front of it. He’d work his way up to a sitting position, and he’d move, onto his knees. He’s hiding the pain on his face, but it’s showing as exhaustion. Hiro would manage to break free from Fuku’s grasp, to run to Tokiya, crying hysterically and holding onto Tokiya. 

Everything really hits Tokiya, when Hiro grabs onto Tokiya’s sleeve, terrified. His son was in the game. There was no guaranteed safety for him anymore, now that Jun had screwed them over.

Tokiya would hear the machine before he would feel it, and he’d just manage to make eye contact with the shaking teenager, just enough to get her to move Shiro out of the way before Tokiya fell again. Tokiya had managed to bite down on his fist, drawing blood but muffling the noise. Tokiya can’t possibly sit up, but he does, and when he reaches out to Hiro, Fuku would carefully let him go. Hiro wouldn’t go, shaking, and Tokiya’s heart would break, and he’d force himself to move, to wrap his arms around his son. 

“Not… not your fault.” Tokiya would say, his voice strained and cracking. “I love you.” He’d hold onto the crying, shaking boy for a long moment, before he’d move to shakily get on his feet. Yuku would help him stand, but she’s barely half the size Tokiya is, and he’d fall again before he had made it to the door. Luckily, he would have made it close enough for it to open. Ren and Ranmaru are the first ones out. They would both go to Tokiya, and Ranmaru would immediately grab Tokiya’s hand. 

“Shit.” He’d mumble. He’d reach forward, to run his hand through Tokiya’s hair. One of Ren’s hands are on Tokiya’s shoulder, the other on his waist, below the contraption. “You’ve gotta calm down, baby.” Tokiya must have really scared him. “I know it’s gotta hurt, but you have ‘t calm down. We’ve gotta be almost done, baby. Just hang in there.” 

“I’m sorry.” Hiro would cry, wiping at his eyes and stepping away. Tokiya feels Ren’s hands leave him, to both comfort Hiro and pull him closer. 

“This isn’t your fault, baby.” Ren would hold Hiro protectively. “But this entire place is very dangerous, and we all have to be really careful, okay? I need you to stay close to us.” Ren would pull back to look at Hiro seriously. “If you leave us, it could be really bad. We’re going to keep you safe, and we’ll all get out of here.”

“But daddy’s hurt.” 

“Wanna get up.” Tokiya would look at Ranmaru, his eyes almost desperate. “Please.” 

Ranmaru looks uncertain, but he helps Tokiya sit up, trying to support him without hurting him worse. Hiro would look over Ren’s shoulder, at Tokiya, and Ren would turn, too. Tokiya would hold his arms out, and Hiro would hesitate. 

“It’s okay. Just be gentle.” Ren would set his hand on Hiro’s back. They’re the only three in this room at the moment, because Fuku had gone to her dad in the next room. Tokiya would wrap his arms around Hiro, ignoring the blinding pain in his chest when he does. 

“Gonna be okay.’ Tokiya would reassure. Tokiya would close his eyes, focusing everything he has on speaking, and on keeping a calm voice. “We’re… we’re all gonna be okay.”

“We have to keep going.” Ranmaru’s voice is strained. Hiro would let go of Tokiya, and Ranmaru would look at Ren. “You watch him. I’ll get Tokiya.”

Ranmaru would help Tokiya to his feet, and Ren would pick Hiro up. Tokiya is leaning heavily on Ranmaru, but as soon as they walk into the next room, Fuji would angrily approach Tokiya, almost even managing to grab him before Ranmaru intercepts. “And what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?”

“You’ve endangered both of our kids because you didn’t stop her. You obviously knew what she was doing.” He’d accuse. 

“Fighting isn’t going to help.” Ren would say, but his voice is sharp. “Had Tokiya been capable of stopping her, I’m positive he would have. She wasn’t his responsibility, so if you insist on playing the blame game, feel free to bring it up to Jun when we all get out of here. For now, we need to find our way out, and we _all_ need to make it.”

Fuji still seems to be seething, but he’d pull himself together. He’s the only one currently able to support Rie, so he’d continue. Fuku would approach Ren, almost uncertainly. “If… if you need my help to watch your son during any of the traps, I can.” Her voice is quiet. “I’ll be standing to the side, anyways.”

Ren would give her a soft smile. “Thank you, Fuku. I’ll keep your offer in mind.”

The next room is too familiar. Ranmaru would tense, only a second after Tokiya. There’s a metal tray, with a clamp, and a pair of rusted scissors. There’s a white paper of a human head with the tongue circled. It would say, “You do not speak your mind.”

Tokiya would cry. His hands would shake, and he’d cry, covering his face. There isn’t even a name. 

Tokiya would step forward, miserable. Ranmaru would follow him, never letting go of his arm. “I love you.” His voice still sounds miserable, but he’d look up at Ranmaru. 

Tokiya wouldn’t see Ren ask Fuku to watch Hiro. To make sure that they both turned away for this one, before he’d go up to Tokiya and Ranmaru. Tokiya would grab Ren’s hand, and would press a kiss to the back of Ren’s hand. “I love you.” Tokiya would repeat, not quite looking at Ren. 

“Do you need help?” Ranmaru would ask quietly. 

“Can’t…” Tokiya has to swallow. “Can’t ask that.” There’s a small silence as he tries to spit out the rest of his words. “Of you.”

“If you really wanna do it yourself, Toki, I’ll let you. Don’t think it’s gonna hurt any less to get help, but it might give ya a cleaner cut and an easier healing time. And obviously I don’t want to do it. But I don’t think you wanna, either.”

Ren would carefully wrap his arms around Tokiya as he’d decide, but Tokiya would nod. “Okay.”

Ranmaru’s face is careful, but Tokiya can see the anger in his eyes. Tokiya hates all of this. Ren wouldn’t let him go. Ranmaru would use the clamp, but Tokiya can tell when Ranmaru actually goes in with the scissors that he hadn’t done himself any favors the first time. Ranmaru uses a lot of pressure, but it’s only one cut. Not the several, likely uneven cuts Tokiya had done. And they hadn’t specified exactly how much of his tongue he needed out- and they hadn’t the first time, either, but Ranmaru had definitely taken less than Tokiya had the first time. There was still a lot of blood, and Tokiya was still crying- as quietly as he could manage. But somehow, it wasn’t as bad as he remembered. It was likely because he wasn’t doing it alone. Ren’s embrace had really helped. 

His machine hadn’t even gone off. He’d still lean heavily on Ren when it was done. At least this time there was a plastic bag. Tokiya would let out a laugh through closed lips. It hurt, and it sounded hysterical. But at least he wouldn’t need to carry his tongue in his hand. He’d reach forward with heavily shaking hands, and he’d hold the bag over the tongue as Ranmaru loosened the clamp. Ranmaru’s face is dark. Tokiya can’t see Ren’s expression, but it’s a big of everything. Disgusted, angry, upset. When he finally lets go of Tokiya, as Tokiya is sealing up the bag, Ren would lift the hem of his shirt to wipe some of the blood from the front of Tokiya’s chin with a sad expression. 

“We’ve got quite a few people that need to get to a hospital. We need to keep going.” 

Tokiya’s eyes would widen, and Ren can’t catch it fast enough to stop the escalating attack. Luckily, Ren catches _him_, when he falls forward with a gargled cry, clutching onto the tightening device. “Toki, baby, hey-” Ren is panicked, lowering Tokiya, carefully holding him. Both Ren and Ranmaru’s face reminds Tokiya that he only has one constriction left, and directly after that is death. He can’t. 

Ren would let him lie there for a moment, petting through his hair. “You have to calm down. You have to stay really, calm, baby.” Tokiya would let out a pathetic whimper, and he’d hold up his hand. The bracelet is stil in place. There’s nothing in the room to take off the Iron Lung. Ren’s face turns darker as he understands, and his face saddens. “It’s okay, my love.” He’d say quietly. “I’m sure this was your test. I’m sure we’re almost out, and we’ll get these off.”

After a long moment, Ren helps Tokiya up. Tokiya is having a difficult time walking, and he can no longer walk by himself. Breathing hurts. 

Ranmaru falls back, for only a moment, to talk to Fuku and to calm Hiro. 

“‘M sorry to ask this, but will you keep him with you? Just a few more rooms?”

Fuku would look up at Tokiya, and something in her expression shows that she understands the severity of the situation with him. She’d give a very feeble smile, and she’d nod. “I have a little brother… Hiro kind of reminds me of him.” She’d admit. “I don’t mind watching him.”

“Thanks.” Ranmaru would grunt out. “You’re a good kid.” He’d then move, carefully squeezing Hiro’s shoulder. His hand had stopped bleeding at this point, but he still doesn’t want to cover him in any sort of blood. “Keep your head up, champ. We’re almost done. You’re doin’ real well.”

“Is daddy going to die?” Hiro’s voice is quiet. Afraid. 

That question hurt Ranmaru worse than anything he’d gone through yet. He’d crouch down next to Hiro. “He’s not. No one’s gonna die.” His face is serious and his voice matches. “I promise ya that. We’re all gettin’ outta here, okay?”

The scared look doesn’t change, but Ranmaru would kiss the top of Hiro’s head as he stands. “We are. I wouldn’t lie to ya. But I have to get back to Toki. Just stick close ‘t Fuku, okay?”

He would give a small, dutiful nod. Ranmaru would head back to Ren and Tokiya. The next room has a very large screen, a long table, and a small pedestal. 

The screen would turn on, and at first it’s just static, as the voice over commences. 

“Tobe, thank you for your help. 

You have wronged me, and tried to make it right, but now it is time to see if you can right the new wrongs. 

You have all done well so far, and for that, I reward you. The door will open for seven.”

Tobe looks terrified. 

“Tobe, step up onto the pedestal. For the rest of you, take a seat. There are two buttons in front of you. That machine around her shoulders will decapitate her, should the majority of you decide that she deserves death. All seven votes are required.”

Rie sits at the head of the table, happy to be off of her feet. Fuji sits besides her, and Fuku next to him. Hiro sits down next to Fuku, and besides Ren. Tokiya sits between Ren and Ranmaru, with Ranmaru at the very end. Tobe takes her place on the pedestal, a look of fear on her face. The screen would begin playing videos. The first is of Jun- of Tobe coming up behind Jun getting into her car and jabbing her with a needle. The next is Masayoshi, who she had gotten at his house, by showing up in Jun’s heavy coat, hiding her face with Jun’s scarf. 

And then Rie- Rie had been sleeping, and when Tobe had woken her up, she had choked her until she had fallen unconscious. 

Rie’s expression was openly livid. She had already pressed her answer. The next scene starts with Fuji, another one gotten in his sleep, though she had used a needle. She had gotten Fuku by calling Fuku from Fuji’s cellphone, distracting her and sneaking up behind her with a drug covered cloth. Fuji seemed bothered by his own capture, by livid by his daughters. His decision would be made. 

Fuku looks conflicted. 

And then comes the last four. 

Tokiya would hide his face, but Ren and Ranmaru would both react quickly- confused, but unwilling to let Tokiya panic himself. 

Ranmaru was first, and he was a classic knockout. He had been getting home late from a night out with friends, and had gotten a weapon to the back of the head. Ren was another sleep one, with a needle. 

Hiro is the next one shown, but Tokiya had caught her, taking the child from the house, scared. She had showed him Ranmaru’s phone- to tell him that his dad had given it to her so she could show Hiro, to prove that she was a friend. So that he would go with her. It would show Tokiya, asking Hiro to come closer, and it would show the child running to him. It would show Tobe, lifting up her shirt to reveal the gun. It would show her point it at Hiro- a message to Tokiya. It would show her leading him into a car. The camera wouldn’t stop, showing her dropping Tokiya and Hiro off first, knocking them both out with a needle, once they were in their chairs. 

Tokiya is crying softly, wiping at his eyes. Ren’s hand is on his lower back, his other hand on top of Hiro’s. Ranmaru is holding Tokiya’s hand, carefully. 

The buttons in front of them are red, for die, and green, for live. Ren would duck his head to Hiro’s ear. “Press the green one, baby. Please.”

“Aren’t you angry?” Rie would ask, her own voice livid. “Let the kid vote. She took him, too.”

Ren’s voice is sharp. “He’s a _child_. Whatever you vote, or I vote, or any _adult_ in this room votes is of their own choice. What type of father would I be to let my child have this hovering over his head for the rest of his life? The pure fact that he’s in this situation is already far more than he ever should have to go through.”

There’s a long moment of silence, and Fuji would speak up, to Fuku. “He’s right. I want you to press the live button, Fuki.”

Hiro would have pressed the green button, like Ren had told him. Fuku wouldn’t hesitate much to press the green button in front of her. 

“You should go next, Toki. Whatever you choose is fine.” Ren would move his hand to squeeze Tokiya’s knee. 

“Don’t stress yourself out about it. You’re not the deciding vote.” Ranmaru would add, a bit gruffly. 

Tokiya would look at Ren with wide, scared eyes. Ren would squeeze his knee. “Ssh, hey, keep calm, baby. You’ve gotta stay calm.”

Tokiya would try to breathe, even though it hurts. He’d close his eyes, and he’d reach forward, and he’d hesitate, but he’d press the green button. He felt too responsible to condemn her to death alone. 

Ranmaru would press the red button. 

Ren would hesitate, in making his choice. His hand would hover over the red. He’d look her carefully in the eyes, and he’d take his hand back. “Will you tell us your side?”

Tobe’s lip would tremble. She looks petrified. 

It was a terrible fate. Especially for someone so young. But she did willfully put younger children than her in a dangerous situation. 

“I dated him.” She’d say quietly. “The game maker. I broke up with him, and he told me that I ‘wronged him’.” Her voice is trembling. “He threatened to put me in a game if I didn’t prove myself, and then he put me in one anyways. I think he expected me to die.” 

Ren would stay very quiet for a moment. He’d press the green button. 

Tobe would let out a sob as the machine would fall off her shoulders and her bracelet would release from her hand. Rie would make a noise, but she’s the only one that makes a comment. No one seems happy, standing from the chairs, but they do. Ren is still heavily supporting Tokiya. Perhaps even heavier than before. It was hard for him to stand up. 

The last room looks terrible. There’s a button in the middle of the room, and there’s broken glass everywhere on the floor. None of them were wearing shoes, so Ren would shoot Tokiya an apologetic look, but Tokiya would nod. Ren would go to Fuku, and he’d pick up Hiro. “Be careful, alright?” He’d tell Fuku, in a genuinely concerned voice. 

She’d give a weak smile. 

The last addition to the room was a large amount of razor wire, right above the button. Tokiya would stare at it, and would glance at the door. It says exit. Tokiya thinks the button says his name. 

He understands. 

Tokiya would tug on Ranmaru’s sleeve, pointing to where Ren had crossed over. Ranmaru would frown, but Tokiya would send him an even look back. Or at least, as well as he could. Ranmaru would give him a cautious look, but would go over. 

Tokiya wonders if Ranmaru expects Tokiya to follow him. Tokiya wouldn’t. Tokiya would force himself down to his knees. Compared to the rest of the pain he was in, the glass cutting into his knees felt like nothing. He’d force himself down to his stomach. 

Fuji notices him, but he doesn’t say anything. Rie doesn’t either. 

Tokiya is terrified, but this is his responsibility. He isn’t sure _why_. He doesn’t know what he did. “Daddy?” 

Tokiya would close his eyes. He was in too much pain at the moment to crawl forward just yet, so he was only in front of the wire. Not yet under it. 

He hears glass shifting as Ranmaru makes his way back over, and Tokiya wishes he still had his tongue. He wishes he could explain why he feels he needs to do this.

“Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet, but he’s careful to not sound angry. Ranmaru would crouch down. Tokiya tries to convey his thoughts with his expression, and there’s a pained look on Ranmaru’s face. “You’ve been through too much.” Ranmaru keeps his voice low, trying not to scold Tokiya. “And there’s too much at risk.” Tokiya would hold up his hand, meant to show off his bracelet, but Ranmaru focuses below that. “Jesus, how’re you already that cut up?” He’d frown. Tokiya would tap Ranmaru’s knee with the metal bracelet, and Ranmaru would sigh. “I don’t like this, Toki. I’ve seen you go through more traps than you ever should’a had to. I had ‘t watch you go through a lot. Let me do this.” Tokiya would shake his head, but Ranmaru would carefully pet through Tokiya’s hair, trying to calm him back down. “I just don’t want ya settin’ off your trap again.” Tokiya would point forward, to the button, and then would tap on the metal. He’d then rest his cheek against Ranmaru’s knee, before pulling back to give Ranmaru another almost desperate look. Ranmaru would look almost helpless. He wants to fight Tokiya on this, but he’s afraid to stress Tokiya out. When he relents, Tokiya would look back at Ren, who is frowning in his direction, but then right back at Ranmaru. Ranmaru would frown. “No. If you’re that insistent on doin’ this, I’m at least staying with you.” Ranmaru hadn’t stood up yet, but he’d give Tokiya a very serious look. “Are you alright enough to do this?” His eyebrows would furrow. “You could hardly walk. Can you really make it crawling, all the way there and back?” 

Tokiya would nod. He wasn’t sure if he could, but he’d have to. Ranmaru’s eyebrows stay furrowed. 

“Please… just… don’t go for it all the way yet. Just try ‘t crawl forward first.” Tokiya would sigh, but he’d push himself forward, just a bit, and he’d let out a choked, pained sob. Ranmaru would carefully set his hands under Tokiya’s arms. “Don’t fight me on this Tokiya. Just stay calm.” Tokiya wants to fight, but he knows what happens if he gets too worked up. He’s not stupid. He knows that Ranmaru’s concerns are valid. “I’d be shocked if the trap didn’t go off when you got under the wire. Ya can’t take that much pain without your heart gettin’ too fast. And what ‘bout if the trap releases while you’re under the wire? I’m sorry, babe, but I can’t let you do this. I’m gonna go take you by Ren.” Ranmaru would sigh. “I know y’don’t want me to do this, either, but I’m a lot less injured. I’ll be careful. Just take it easy. Please.”

Tokiya looks pained. He’d shake his head, back on his knees. He’d tap the bracelet, and he’d take a second, breathing deeply despite the pain. He’d take Ranmaru’s hand, holding his fingers to his wrists. 

“It’s fast, Tokiya.” Tokiya would frown at Ranmaru, watching him. Tokiya would wince, hearing Hiro begin crying, and he’d look at Ranmaru with a firmer expression. “He’s cryin’ for you, babe. He wants _you_.”

Tokiya would work his way back down to his stomach. Ranmaru would grit his teeth. “If you’re really going to do this, you need ‘t stop if you feel like it’s gettin’ too much. And it’s gonna hurt to stop, but you’re gonna need to slow your heart rate.” 

Tokiya would nod. He’s better at crawling forward this time, and Ranmaru doesn’t look happy. When Tokiya first climbs under, it hurts. And then, it lessens, just a bit, and he glances to the side to see Ranmaru holding it up. Tobe watches Ranmaru for a moment, but then goes over, she helps in the same way, though she’s a bit less quiet about the pain of holding the wire. Tokiya can’t stay quiet, whimpering and crying out almost every step of the way. When he gets to the button, the final door opens, and the iron lung opens. Tokiya feels pinned underneath it, the only good thing being that it keeps some of the wire off of his back for a moment. It won’t when he can bring himself to move it. 

He had passed the part that Ranmaru had held up, and the part that Tobe had. Tobe would have looked at Ranmaru, and then Tokiya, apologetically, and would have left. Fuji would have taken Fuku with him, and would have helped Rie out as well. “Go, Ren.” Ranmaru would have said, his voice commanding. 

“I can’t. Not without you both.” It’s clear that Ren’s close to crying. Especially seeing the way Tokiya was lying on the ground, his cheek pressed to the glass. Tokiya was so tired. He didn’t want to crawl forward, and he didn’t want to crawl back. 

“We’re gonna be out in a minute. Just go.”

Ren grits his teeth, but with Hiro, he doesn’t have much choice. He has to walk out. 

“Toki, we can’t stay here. You’ve gotta move.”

Tokia would cry. He had done it. He didn’t want to keep going. 

“Toki, you’ve gotta listen to me. I can’t come in there and get you.”

Tokiya would shake his head and Ranmaru would get sterner. “C’mon. We don’t have long. You’ve gotta move. It’s almost over.” 

Tokiya looks pathetic, climbing his way out. Going forward is easier than going back, and Ranmaru would continue to hold up the wire, until Tokiya’s front half was out. Ranmaru would have went around to the front, dragging Tokiya out, and picking him up. 

“I know it hurts, but we’ve gotta go, babe.” 

Tokiya goes limp. He doesn’t stay conscious long enough to see anymore than the outside of the building. 

Tokiya would wake up in a hospital. The pain isn’t what it should be, but there’s still enough to _hurt_. Tokiya can tell they’d reattached his tongue a second time. Tokiya thinks he got lucky with that one- and he imagined that had he done it again himself they probably wouldn’t have been able to fix it. 

Tokiya would turn his head, wincing as his body moves, and he sees Ranmaru, asleep in a chair. His hands are heavily bandaged, and the wounds around his mouth are cleaned, and Tokiya notices that Ranmaru’s wearing a hospital bracelet, and the IV in his arm, though it’s unhooked at the moment. He’s in sleep clothes. Tokiya would glance to the other side of the room- to the empty bed. Tokiya wonders if it’s Ranmaru’s. He almost hopes it isn’t- because if it _was_, Ranmaru should be lying in it.

Tokiya wants to wake up Ranmaru, but he isn’t sure how to. He’s afraid to make noise, because he’s afraid of the pain that would come with it. Tokiya would settle on waiting, his eyebrows furrowing. He feels the tears forming, the scared, frustrated tears. He’d close his eyes, just letting himself cry. He’d open his eyes when he hears shifting, and a quiet groan, and Ranmaru would have pushed himself up. Ranmaru would grab a tissue on the way to Tokiya’s bedside, carefully pressing it into Tokiya’s hand. “I’d help.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds tired. “But it’s still a ‘lil sore. Hey, don’t make that face.” Ranmaru would brush his bandaged knuckle over Tokiya’s cheek. “‘S not like it’s your fault. And they’re gonna heal.”

Tokiya is watching Ranmaru’s face closely, and he’d clutch the tissue, but then he’d slowly bring his hand up, to set his finger on his mouth, above his lips, and his expression turns concerned. 

Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow. “Does your mouth hurt? Should I call the nurse?” 

Tokiya would frown, and he’d point to Ranmaru. Ranmaru would blink, and he’d sigh, shaking his head. 

“My mouth’s fine. Hurts a ‘lil bit ‘t talk, but it ain’t anything unmanageable.” Ranmaru would press the back of his hand to Tokiya’s forehead, and he’d lean closer. His face is serious and his voice is low. “They caught the fucker.” There’s a lot of anger burning in Ranmaru’s eyes. “There’s… more ‘t be said on that. But we can really talk about it later. Just thought you should know.”

Tokiya isn’t fully sure how to react. Of course, he’s glad. They deserved to be caught. Tokiya would glance over to the empty bed, and Ranmaru’s eyes would follow. Tokiya’s look is almost accusatory. Ranmaru would sigh. “Yeah. The bed’s mine.” Tokiya would raise an eyebrow. He was sick of nonverbal communication already- but he was lucky enough that Ranmaru was good at understanding him. “I can’t see ya right from that bed. I don’t like it.” Ranmaru’s voice would break a bit, and he’d cross his arms, though his hands are held awkwardly. “I… shouldn’t ‘ve let you do that one. I’m sorry, Tokiya.”

Tokiya would shake his head, his face stern. He’d have to hide his wince, because all movement sends an ache through his body, but he’s frowning deeply. Tokiya would sit up, and it hurts, but he’d push himself anyways. Ranmaru’s face begins to turn stern itself, and Tokiya reacts before Ranmaru can speak, cupping Ranmaru’s face, carefully avoiding his mouth. Tokiya’s fingers stroke over Ranmaru’s cheek. 

“Don’t strain yourself.” Ranmaru’s voice comes out weaker than he had meant it to. “We’ll talk about this. Later.” 

Tokiya would slowly pull his hands back, but he’d point to the empty bed. Ranmaru would frown, but Tokiya’s stern expression stays. He’d point again. He would reach out, to rub Ranmaru’s arm, but then he’d point, a bit softer. Ranmaru’s expression would soften. Before Tokiya lays back down, he’d put his hand over Ranmaru’s chest. Over his heart. It’s the best way he can think to convey his thoughts. 

“I love you, Toki.” Ranmaru would say quietly. He uncrosses his arms, resting one bandaged hand on top of Tokiya’s. “Look, I’ll lay in the bed, but just ‘t sleep. When I’m awake I’m gonna sit in the chair.”

Tokiya would let out an exhale. A sigh. But he’d nod. When he pulls his hand away, he’s careful not to brush Ranmaru’s hand, making sure he doesn’t hurt him. Tokiya would lean back, but his face is pained. His back was bandaged, and he could feel that the bandages went all the way down to his thighs. 

Ranmaru hesitates for a few long moments, but he finally would head to the other bed, lying down. He’d lean up, to look at Tokiya, almost as if he were reassuring himself, and he’d lie down. He’d turn on his side to face Tokiya, and he’d close his eyes. Tokiya knows that Ranmaru usually sleeps on his back. His eyebrows would furrow, seeing him on his side. 

When the doctor comes in, Tokiya’s told that he’s going to need more speech therapy, but he is told that going through it a second time should make it easier. All of his ribs are cracked at best, and broken at worst. He had gone through surgery while he was out, because one of his ribs had gotten dangerously close to his lungs. He had a bit of nerve damage from the shocks, but the doctor assured him that the numbness in his hand and up his arm wouldn’t be permanent. His back to his legs was ripped to shreds, and he was covered in cuts, from his throat to his feet. 

Tokiya would only need to be there for a few days, mostly so that they could rebandage his back a few days in, on his day of release. Ranmaru had managed to stick around until Tokiya’s release- Tokiya thinks that Ranmaru could have gotten out earlier, but Ranmaru didn’t want to leave Tokiya. Ranmaru would have called Ren, and would have put the phone on speaker, sitting on the end of Tokiya’s bed. 

“I’m sorry I’m not there for you, baby.” Ren’s voice sounds strained through the phone. Sad. “Ran’s told me that you’re getting cleared soon. I’ll be there. As soon as you’re both out. I promise.”

“How’s the kid holdin’ up?” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. Tokiya’s glad Ranmaru asked the question. Tokiya had been thinking of it since he had woken up. 

“He’s still scared.” Ren’s voice is soft. “I keep telling him that you’re both coming home soon but I don’t think he believes me. He’s been sleeping in our bed with me because his nightmares are keeping him up. ...When you both get back, and things get settled, I think we should look into therapy. Not… just for him. No group therapy.” Ren would add quickly. “Single or family- but just _something_ to help him. To help you. Both of you. But for now- you both should try to rest up and get better. I love you both.”

“See y’soon, Ren.”

It felt strange. Ranmaru would hang up the phone, but Tokiya would just look at it. Being unable to speak almost made him feel like he was listening to a message. He’d have gotten quiet, and Ranmaru would frowned. He’d set his hand carefully on Tokiya’s leg, doing nothing more than letting it rest. 

True to Ren’s word, when Tokiya and Ranmaru had gotten out of the hospital, Ren was waiting for them, standing in the waiting room as they finished discharge papers. Hiro is by his side, clinging to his leg, but it almost looks like Ren is holding him back. Ren’s expression is soft, but Tokiya can see some worry from across the room. 

It’s pushed to the back when Ranmaru finishes his papers, walks over to Ren, and crouches down with a smile. “Hey kiddo.” Ranmaru would hold his arms out, and with the action, Ren’s hand would loosen on Hiro and Hiro would throw himself at Ranmaru. Ranmaru would wrap his arms tightly around the boy, though he’s still careful with his hands. “‘M glad to see you. You been takin’ care of your old man?”

Hiro would giggle, “Yes.”

“Good.” Ranmaru would give him a careful squeeze as Tokiya would finish up his own papers. Ranmaru didn’t need a wheelchair to walk out, but they required Tokiya to be in one. Tokiya felt bad, when Hiro would have looked scared, seeing Tokiya. Ren had been momentarily distracted, murmuring to Ranmaru, but he would have looked down when Hiro would have clutched onto his pants leg, crying. 

Tokiya would have swallowed hard, looking away. He could feel his eyes burn. 

Ren would have set his hand on Hiro’s shoulder, his face grim, but it would sadden further when he sees Tokiya’s reaction. Ranmaru would step up, crouching back down, and when he gets Hiro off of Ren’s leg, Ren goes over to Tokiya. 

“Hey, baby, look at me.” Ren’s voice is so soft. “He’s not scared _of_ you, darling.” Ren was crouched, too. His hand would rest on Tokiya’s, his thumb running over Tokiya’s knuckles. “He’s just worried. He doesn’t want to see you hurt. It’s not you.” Ren would turn, and when neither Ranmaru or Hiro are speaking, he speaks, keeping his voice low and holding a hand out. “Hiro, baby, come here.”

Hiro would approach Ren, but there’s still an almost scared look in his eyes when he looks at Tokiya. Ren would gently lead Hiro forward. Tokiya would try to give a reassuring smile to Hiro, and Hiro would burst out crying, but he’d rush forward, grabbing onto the leg of Tokiya’s pants, and Tokiya would set his hand on the top of Hiro’s head, ruffling his hair softly. His smile wavers, for just a second, but he tries to hold it steady. Hiro would eventually sniffle, looking up at Tokiya with shiny eyes. Tokiya would lower his hand, to squeeze Hiro’s shoulder. Ren’s hand would replace Tokiya’s, and he’d lead Hiro to Ranmaru. “Will you stay with Ran, honey?” 

Hiro would grab onto Ranmaru’s pants, and his wrist would run under his nose, wiping it. Ren would move over to Tokiya, and he’d lean down to press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “I’m glad that you’re back with us, darling.”

Tokiya would nod. He wishes he could _speak_, but the only progress in therapy he had made was scheduling an appointment. 

Ren would push the wheelchair out of the building, helping Tokiya into the car and passing it back to the nurse. 

It would be later that night when they would have all sat on their bed, and Ren would have given a soft sigh. “I’m sure that Hiro’s going to want to sleep in here.” Ren would frown a bit. “I’m not sure how we’ll make room for all of us.” 

Tokiya had been holding a notepad. It’s the only way he’s found to properly communicate so far. He would begin to write.

_I can sleep in his room._

“No.” Ranmaru’s response is first and immediate. He had actually said it before Tokiya had finished writing. 

_It’s over, and they’re caught. I’ll be okay._

“Well _I_ don’t want you sleepin’ away from us.” Ranmaru would say gruffly. 

Tokiya would reach out, squeezing Ranmaru’s arm before picking his pencil back up to write. 

_I understand. But Hiro comes first, and I have to sleep on my back. I think it’s the easiest way._

“And the nightmares? I could see them on your face, when you’d wake up in the hospital.”

“You had them really bad the first time. I can’t imagine what they must be now.” Ren’s voice is quiet. 

Tokiya would hesitate, and he’d hide what he was writing until it was written. 

_I had to go back because I couldn’t move on. And I went the first time for not appreciating you, and I’m sorry, and I hate arguing with either of you, but I didn’t learn my lesson the first time. I’m afraid to make that mistake again._

Ren would have read it, and he’d move a bit closer to Tokiya, holding onto his arm. It seems like he wants to do more, but is afraid to touch Tokiya. Afraid he might hurt him. Ranmaru would lean over Tokiya, rereading it. 

“Don’t do that to yourself, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is dark. “The part I didn’t tell ya when we were in the hospital was that the guy they caught was some sort ‘a apprentice.” Ranmaru’s jaw would flex. “Y’know that fucker from the therapy group?” Tokiya’s eyes would widen, and then his eyebrows would furrow. “Yeah. He was behind this. So most of the people that were there were only there because he had a fuckin’ grudge. ‘M not sayin’ that I couldn’t stand ‘t be a ‘lil nicer- but d’ya really think I should’ve been put in a trap because I’m not nice?” Tokiya would have shaken his head quickly there. He definitely didn’t think Ranmaru deserved to go through the traps. “Yeah. In the same respect, you were fine for fuckin’ years, Tokiya. He made up bullshit reasons so that he’d seem like he was the same killer. There was no lesson to learn here. Everything was a stretch, because he was just a sick person.”

_I feel like I’m being overdramatic._

Ranmaru would sigh. “You _are_ a dramatic person. But I don’t think there’s a right way to react to this. I’m gonna tell you the same thing I told you the first time you went through this. It’s gonna make me feel better ‘t see you feelin’ better. Just take care of yourself. Be selfish. I just want you ‘t be okay.”

_But you went through traps this time, too. And Hiro and Ren_

Tokiya would have stopped writing, gripping the pencil. 

“My traps were nothing compared to yours.” Ranmaru would say flatly. 

“And Hiro and I are in the boat as Ran.” Ren’s thumb would run over Tokiya’s arm. “We want to see you get better.”

Tokiya would bring up his hand, wiping at his eyes. They felt irritated, but he’s not surprised to pull his hands away, wet with tears. 

“Why don’t we set up the living room with pillows and blankets? We can have a movie night, and you can sleep on the couch, Toki.” Ren would suggest. “Forgo the bed altogether.”

Tokiya would give a tired smile, and Ren would wipe at Tokiya’s cheek with his thumb. He’d press a kiss to Tokiya’s temple. “Then I’ll go set that up.”

Ren would go outside, and Tokiya can hear Ren call for Hiro, explaining the plan. Tokiya can hear the child’s excitement. Ranmaru would just lay down next to Tokiya, keeping an eye on him while the other two boys set up. 

“It’s gonna be okay.” Ranmaru would say quietly. He’d rest his hand on Tokiya’s leg, just letting it lie. “I know that it really doesn’t feel like it right now. But I think we’ll get it.”

Tokiya would shift, lying his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

Ren would come in a few moments later, his hair pulled up into a ponytail. “We have everything set up.”

Ranmaru would get up first, and he’d do what he can to help Tokiya up, too. 

Tokiya would still have to lean on Ranmaru, to make his way to the living room, but he’s at least on his feet. They’d settle in, and to watch the movies, Tokiya would take the recliner, Ren, Ranmaru and Hiro all taking their place on the couch. Tokiya would smile at them when Ren and Ranmaru would have went to sit together and Hiro would have excitedly bounced onto the couch between them. 

“You should sleep on the couch.” Ranmaru would mutter, at the end of their second movie, when Tokiya would have begun to lower himself to the floor. Tokiya would shake his head, lying down on the blanket bed. 

Ren would sigh. “Just be careful, baby.” 

Hiro would have tiredly climbed down, and he would have laid next to Tokiya, already half asleep. Tokiya would watch him with a soft expression as Ranmaru would settle besides Tokiya, Ren on the other side. 

Tokiya would have managed to sleep through the night.


	36. Chapter Thirty-Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Transgender AU  
warnings - surgery, harassment/assault

Tokiya would swallow hard, not quite meeting Ranmaru’s eyes. His face is bright red, and he’s shifting. “I… really like you, Ranmaru.” He’d hang his head, unable to look at Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru would click his tongue. “Why’re you sayin’ that like it’s a bad thing?”

Tokiya wouldn’t quite look at Ranmaru, his voice quieting a bit. “Because I can’t tell you that without also telling you that I’m transgender.” Tokiya would wince, saying it aloud. 

“Yeah. I figured. Female to male, right?”

Tokiya would look up at the casualness of Ranmaru’s question, but he’d nod, still looking uncertain. He’d frown. “Am I that obvious?”

“It was more of a feelin’. You pass fine.”

There is a second of relief on Tokiya’s face at the reassurance, before it darkens again as he moves back on topic. “You haven’t given me any sort of response.”

“Wasn’t like you asked me a question.” Ranmaru is challenging him. Tokiya would take a deep breath. He can feel his blush travel down his neck. 

“What do you feel about me, Ranmaru?”

“I’ll answer your question if you agree ‘t answer one ‘a mine.” 

Tokiya would blink. Tokiya had gone through this situation in his head quite a few times, with every ending he could think of- Ranmaru getting angry, Ranmaru laughing at him, or apologizing. The rare allowance of Ranmaru saying yes- or of asking for more time. Tokiya had not, however, expected a negotiation. His voice is nervous. “Okay.”

“You can relax, Tokiya. I like you, too.”

Tokiya actually would, his shoulders untensing and his eyes just a bit too wide. Happy is a bit of an understatement. He hadn’t expected that to go so well. A wave of nervousness would hit him again, though, and his question is careful. “What was your question?”

“Why’d you bring up the fact that you were trans _now_? Why not before, or after?”

“That’s two questions.” Tokiya would say quietly, but his muscles have tensed again, and he’d swallow hard. “The answers aren’t pretty.” His voice is quiet. “Are you sure you want to know?”

“Why don’t we go somewhere a ‘lil quieter and talk about it?”

Tokiya would nod. 

Tokiya really didn’t talk much about being Trans, to anyone. The thought of a conversation with Ranmaru about it was a bit petrifying. Even his band mates didn’t know for sure. He was sure they were suspicious- because he never changed with them, and in the rare cases he did, he was wearing his binder. 

He hadn’t gotten any surgeries. He wanted them, but he was afraid. Unfortunately, that meant that he was stuck with his uncomfortable binder. 

Ranmaru would lead Tokiya to Ranmaru’s apartment, a place that Tokiya had been before. He liked Ranmaru’s room. It wasn’t really Tokiya’s style, but it had so much character, and it just _felt_ like Ranmaru. 

“This wasn’t where I thought this would go.” Tokiya would admit quietly. “I only brought up me being Transgender because I didn’t want to blindsight you, or give you any type of false hope.”

“False hope?” 

Tokiya’s face would go bright red again, and his hand would cover his mouth as Ranmaru shuts the door. Tokiya mumbles into his hand, but Ranmaru would reach out, setting his hand on Tokiya’s wrist to lower it. Tokiya can’t meet Ranmaru’s eyes. “You’re gay… right?” Ranmaru had never directly expressed it, but Tokiya had made observations. Ranmaru had admitted to Tokiya his feelings on women, but Tokiya had also seen Ranmaru’s expression towards some men- Ren being the first to come to mind. And when Tokiya lets himself think about it, he thinks he can remember some interested looks in his direction, too. “I’m… I don’t have all of the right parts.”

“Think we’ve still got some time to figure that part out.” Ranmaru would walk past Tokiya to sit on the couch and would watch him, and Tokiya would slowly make his way to sit on the couch with Ranmaru. “‘Sides. Sex is nice but it doesn’t have ‘t be the basis of the relationship.” Tokiya would be quiet for long enough that Ranmaru would lean back, throwing his arm over the back of the couch. “‘S that your only reason? Not wanting to lead me on?”

“I wanted to give you a chance to change your mind, I suppose.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow. Tokiya would swallow hard. “I’ve misrepresented myself to you.” Tokiya would look away. “I hate being transgender.” He’d admit. “So if you weren’t keen on it, I certainly couldn’t blame you.”

“As cheesy as this is gonna sound, I like ya a lot more for your personality than what’s in your pants, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s expression remains serious. “Why do you hate it?”

Tokiya’s face would flush red again. He wasn’t used to this topic of conversation, because he usually tried so hard to avoid it. “Are you sure you want to know?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. Ranmaru would simply continue watching him, and Tokiya would sigh. “It’s hard, to feel like you’re in the wrong body. When I was younger I hated much more of myself than I do now- but there are still certain… parts. Parts that feel foreign and wrong. And then it comes to the point where I wish I was just _normal._ I wish I had either been born a man, or was content with being a girl. I hate the inbetween.”

“How long have you known?”

“My early teens. I was always more of a tomboy as it was.”

“‘M guessin’ you don’t tell a lot of people?”

“It seems counterproductive. I live my life trying to pass as a boy- so telling people that I’m actually a girl seems like I’m calling myself out.”

A look passes over Ranmaru’s face. “If I’m honest, I don’t really know what is or isn’t too personal of a question, so stop me if I’m goin’ too far. ‘M just trying to kinda figure more of this out, because I don’t really understand it.” Tokiya would nod. 

“I asked you out, Ran.” Tokiya would rub the back of his neck. “I doubt that there’s anything you could ask me that would offend me. I’d much rather answer your questions to try to help you understand than to neglect to give you information and have you unintentionally say something.”

Ranmaru would nod, and for the first time, he’d look away as he asks his question. It’s hard to read his expression. “There’s surgeries for this kind of thing, right?”

Tokiya would give a slightly dry smile. “You’re asking me if I’ve had them?” Tokiya would shake his head. “I haven’t. I do… plan on it. Eventually.”

“Why haven’t you?” Ranmaru’s expression is careful. 

“I’m scared.” Tokiya would admit. “I’ve never had surgery before. And the recovery worries me more. I’ve been looking into top surgery recently, but every time I make a proper step in the right direction, I panic myself into reconsidering. I know that I want it- and as a singer, it would make it easier. Wearing a binder can get difficult.”

“A binder?”

“The type I use is virtually just an undershirt. But it’s tight and uncomfortable. Of course, that’s unavoidable, and I’d rather deal with the discomfort than to not wear it- but it’s still hard.”

Ranmaru would nod. Tokiya would sigh. “If you have more questions, I’ll answer them- but I think I’d like to drop this for now. It can get emotionally draining, talking about it in depth.”

“I get it.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit gruff. “I’ll drop it for now. I won’t promise that I won’t have more questions later.” 

Tokiya would give a soft smile. “Occasional questions are more than fine. It’s the long conversations that get hard.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“So.” Tokiya’s smile would widen. “You said you like me.”

Ranmaru would chuckle, an eyebrow raising. “I did.”

Tokiya would move, raising so that one of his knees are resting on the couch so he can position himself to wrap his arms around Ranmaru. Ranmaru would almost have to catch him, but he’s holding him back. “You’ve made me very happy, Ran.” Tokiya would admit. His voice is the lightest its been yet. 

“I’d say the same.” Ranmaru would mutter. Tokiya can’t see his face, but he knows its a shade pinker. “I was tryin’ to figure out a good way to bring it up. Ya made my job easier.”

Tokiya would laugh. 

Their relationship would change, but its subtle. Tokiya would still come over to Ranmaru’s apartment often, and Ranmaru would visit Tokiya. The biggest change would be that they’d often spend the night together. 

Their physical relationship had slowly begun to progress, starting with hugs becoming much more common, or sitting, pressed up against each other. It had taken them a few weeks to share their first kiss, but they’ve begun to greet each other with quick kisses behind closed doors. They’ve managed to keep their outside relationship strictly friendly, and even the other boys had seemed none the wiser. 

Ranmaru would ask the occasional question, and Tokiya would get more and more comfortable answering them. 

One night, when Tokiya had been at Ranmaru’s, he would have shifted against Ranmaru’s chest, and he wouldn’t have been able to contain his wince. Ranmaru would have looked down. “What’s wrong?”

Tokiya had been rubbing his chest, but he’d let his hand drop, shaking his head. “It’s nothing.”

“I doubt that. You’re only supposed ‘t wear your binder for a couple ‘a hours, right?” 

Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. Ranmaru hadn’t asked him that. Ranmaru would have seen his expression. 

“I’ve been doin’ some research, too, Toki. How long have you had your binder on?” 

Tokiya would have stayed silent, but Ranmaru would have given him a stern look until he had mumbled his answer. “I took it off for my shower this morning.”

“Yeah? When was the last time you went more than an hour not wearin’ it?”

“When I’m alone I normally don’t sleep in it.” Tokiya would mumble. 

Ranmaru would click his tongue, and he’d prod Tokiya up. Tokiya would sit up, but he’d frown. “Go change.” It’s a demand. 

“I- Ran, I’m incredibly comfortable with you but…”

“If it were just a cosmetic thing, I wouldn’t get on you about it. It’s not healthy to wear it that often, and obviously it ain’t comfortable.” Ranmaru would sigh. “Stay here for a second.” 

Ranmaru would have gotten up, and Tokiya would have watched him, still wearing a frown. Ranmaru wasn’t wrong. It was incredibly uncomfortable to overwear his binder- and Tokiya did know that it could cause some damage, if he continued using it wrong- but it felt better than the alternative. Ranmaru would walk back out, holding a shirt in his hand. When he hands it over to Tokiya, Tokiya can see that it’s one of Ranmaru’s larger sweatshirts- one of his favorites, with the black dull and the designs beginning to fade. 

“That should be loose enough, but ‘m not gonna let you hurt yourself.”

Tokiya’s expression would soften. There’s still hesitation, but he’d take the sweatshirt, holding it close. He’d swallow hard. “...Fine.”

Tokiya would go into the bathroom to switch his clothes. He had come over in sleep clothes, but his shirt was far too tight to wear comfortably without his binder, even if he hadn’t had a new shirt to wear. Tokiya would take longer than he should to change, but when he takes off his binder, he has to take a moment to frown at himself in the mirror. He takes long enough that Ranmaru would knock on the door. 

“You doin’ okay, babe?”

“I’m fine.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit tight, but he’d pull Ranmaru’s sweatshirt over his head. He’d pull it out, away from his chest, but it’s so big on him that it not only hides his chest, but the shape of his body, too. He’d open the door, but Ranmaru is still standing right outside. He doesn’t look like he believes Tokiya. 

“‘S it off?” 

Tokiya would hold up the black undershirt. 

“Good. What’s wrong?”

Tokiya would give a dry smile. “I just don’t like seeing myself naked. That’s all.” 

Ranmaru would sigh, and he’d pull Tokiya closer. “Why don’t we just go lie back on the couch?” 

Tokiya would nod, and as Ranmaru pulls away, he’d take Tokiya’s clothes, setting them on top of his dresser. Tokiya would wait for Ranmaru before they’d leave the room together. Once they’re back on the couch, Tokiya would take a second, to lean back against Ranmaru, but he eventually would. If Ranmaru felt a difference, he wouldn’t say anything. 

“By the way.” Ranmaru would say gruffly. “That sweatshirt’s yours now. We can leave it here, and when you’re over you can wear it.” 

Tokiya’s face would soften, and he’d curl into Ranmaru’s side. “I’d like that.”

“I’m not defenseless.” Tokiya would snap, embarrassed tears burning his eyes. 

Tokiya had gotten picked on- groped. Tokiya had a bad cold, and his coughing was terrible and he could hardly breathe, and he couldn’t wear his binder. He had passed by the wrong person, and it was a quick, inappropriate action, but it almost had Tokiya in tears. Ranmaru had stepped forward, livid, before Tokiya had even reacted.

Tokiya would have ignored it. Would have pretended like it didn’t bother him and would have silently beaten himself up over everything for the next two days- but Ranmaru was much more proactive. The man had mocked Tokiya, for needing a man to stand up for him, and Ranmaru had punched him. 

Tokiya’s first thought was how he must have seemed like a damsel in distress, and he _hated_ it. He knew that wasn’t how Ranmaru meant it- but it was the only way that he could view it, in the upset mind frame he had found himself. 

“I could have handled that situation.” Tokiya’s voice is sharp. 

“He fuckin’ touched you, Tokiya. I know you well enough ‘t know you wouldn’t ‘a done anything about it but I’m not just gonna let some asshole put his hands on _my_ boyfriend.”

In his upset, Tokiya manages to ignore Ranmaru’s phrasing. Normally, it would warm Tokiya’s chest, to hear Ranmaru call him his boyfriend. Right now, he was upset, and he wanted to stay that way. “I’m not a maiden in need of defending.”

“Tokiya-”

“I need a minute.” Tokiya’s voice comes out cold. He shared an apartment with Ranmaru at this point, and he’d walk into their shared room, shutting the door. He’d hear a short rapt on the door, and then he’d hear grumbling, and there would be silence. 

Tokiya would get dressed. He was going to go out. He needed to get out of the apartment. He would wear the same clothes, but he would have trouble finding his binder. He’d sigh, slipping his shirt on to go into the living room. “Did you move my binder?” His voice is careful, and his tone is straight to the point. 

“Yeah. I moved it so we wouldn’t have a repeat ‘a yesterday.”

Tokiya had tried to wear his binder the day before, but his binder was already tighter than it should have been, and when he had started coughing, he couldn’t _stop_. And even after his fit had ended, it had been difficult to breathe. Enough that he had actually went to the bathroom to take it off for a few moments. Ranmaru had stopped him when he tried to put it back on. 

“Well where is it?” Tokiya’s voice is impatient. Ranmaru’s eyes would narrow.

“Why?”

“I’m going out.”

“Where?” 

“Forget it.” Tokiya would scowl. “I’ll just go out without it.” 

Ranmaru would stand when Tokiya would head towards the door, but Tokiya had put on his shoes before he had even left the bedroom and he’d be quick enough to just slip out the door. “Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s tone is sharp, but Tokiya would ignore him, continuing out. He could hear Ranmaru’s aggravated sigh from the door. 

Tokiya would find his way to a bar. Tokiya didn’t often drink- but sometimes, if he were really upset, he’d use it as his last resort.

That was a lie, he’d decide. At least this time. Because there were other things he could have tried. He could have discussed this with Ranmaru. He could have tried to sleep out his mood, or could have tried to read. He jumped to this conclusion awfully fast. 

Tokiya would have walked to the bar. It was further than he would have liked to, but even if he could drive, he didn’t want to. And he didn’t want to call a car. 

When he had arrived, he would have sat at the bar and ordered a strong drink. A man would have moved, to sit next to Tokiya. He must be at least twenty years Tokiya’s senior, and he’s clearly inebriated. Tokiya would turn his head away from the man, trying to ignore him. 

“You here alone?” The man would purr, leaning closer. 

“I’m not interested.”

“Aw, come on, baby. No need to be so cold. A pretty girl like you shouldn’t be drinking alone.” 

Tokiya would pull his shirt out, a bit, trying to keep it further away from his chest. He’s tense. “Please just leave me alone.”

“I’m sure you’ll change your mind.” The man would laugh. He sounds sleezy. He’d leave, and Tokiya would relax. 

Tokiya’s drink had been almost halfway gone, but he’d drink the rest of it quickly before stilling. The drink was already gone, because Tokiya drank his drinks quickly to ignore the taste of the alcohol, but there was an aftertaste he wasn’t used to. 

He’d give it five minutes, but he’s already beginning to feel strange, and he sees the man that had sat next to him further in the bar, watching him and laughing with his buddies. Tokiya would take his phone out. He’s already feeling tired, and just a bit dizzy. 

“Tokiya.”

Tokiya hadn’t managed to forget about their fight. He wasn’t nearly that drunk. But he was afraid and he wasn’t sure what to do. “Ran- I… I’m sorry but I think I was drugged.” His voice is quiet and upset. 

“What?” Ranmaru’s voice is surprised, but it’s also sharp. “Where are you?”

Tokiya would tell Ranmaru the name of the bar. 

“I’ll be right there.” Ranmaru would promise gruffly, “Stay on the phone and stay inside.”

Tokiya would stay silent, but he’s still on the phone. He’d rest his arm on the bar, and rest his head on his arm. He didn’t feel well, and it was scaring him. 

Tokiya wouldn’t even react when he felt a hand on his arm, but he would slowly lift his head, to look at Ranmaru. He just wants to sleep. But he’d force himself up, to get closer to Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would look over, and it would take a moment for him to find the man he believed had drugged him, and he thinks he’s right, because the man looks annoyed to see Ranmaru. 

“I wanna leave.” Tokiya would say quietly, clutching onto Ranmaru’s arm. 

Ranmaru would frown, but there’s a lot of anger that Tokiya can see on his face. Tokiya is too exhausted to decide who the anger is directed at. “We’re gonna. Have you paid?”

“I don’t know.” Tokiya’s voice would break. Ranmaru would sigh, and he’d reach into his pocket, taking out a bill and slipping it underneath Tokiya’s glass. 

“C’mon.” Tokiya would follow him out, still holding onto Ranmaru tightly. Ranmaru would carefully steady him, because Tokiya would stumble out. 

“Are we going home?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, but almost desperate. 

“Yeah. We are.” Ranmaru would assure. He would start towards a car, but Tokiya would look at Ranmaru with a bit of a wide-eyed look. “It’s Ren. I asked ‘im to drive me.”

Tokiya would let Ranmaru lead him into car, and he can see Ren, glancing at Tokiya with a worried expression. Ranmaru would get into the backseat, and Tokiya would close his eyes, leaning his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. Tokiya would have suddenly jerked away from Ranmaru, his face panicked as he realizes that Ren was in the car. Ranmaru’s look is cautious as he’d reach out for Tokiya, but Tokiya would look at Ren and Ranmaru would sigh, pulling Tokiya back towards him. 

“He knows.” Ranmaru would mumble. “It was kinda obvious. Least it was tonight.”

Tokiya would go with Ranmaru, but he’s only resting against Ranmaru for a moment, because they’d pull up to the apartments. 

“Thanks, Ren.” Ranmaru’s voice is a mutter at best. 

“Any time. Take care of him, Ran.”

“‘Course I will. Tell your group he’s not comin’ in tomorrow.”

“I’ll do that.”

Ranmaru would help Tokiya out of the car. Tokiya would have to lean heavily on Ranmaru as Ranmaru leads him to his apartment, but he’d stumble away from Ranmaru, heading to the bedroom. He just wanted to lie down. He’s shaking so hard from the one minute he had spent outside that he feels ready to fall over. He’d freeze, backing up a bit, and then he’d begin to head to the couch. Ranmaru would catch him, turning him back towards the bedroom, and that’s all the reassurance Tokiya would need to go to the bed. He would somehow kick off his shoes, leaning heavily against the wall, and then he’d climb into the bed, curling in on himself. 

Ranmaru would have followed him, and would have pulled the blankets from under him to tuck him in. 

“Aren’t you mad at me?” Tokiya’s voice does sound upset, but it’s shaking, just as hard as his body is. 

“You’re sick and you’re shaking. Right now, earlier doesn’t matter.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. 

Tokiya would curl up further, and Ranmaru would have walked away from the bed. Tokiya doesn’t want him to leave, but can’t bring himself to ask Ranmaru to stay. Ranmaru would have come back, only a few minutes later. 

“‘M gonna help change your pants. You’re gonna be cold for a minute.” Ranmaru would warn. Ranmaru would have to raise the blanket instead of take it off, because Tokiya is gripping the top of it too tightly. Ranmaru is quick with helping Tokiya, taking off his jeans and replacing them with a pair of Ranmaru’s shorts. Tokiya is barely still awake, and the only reason he still is awake is because he’s still shaking. Ranmaru would cover Tokiya’s legs again with the blanket, and he’d close the door and turn out the lights. When Ranmaru climbs into the bed, Tokiya notices that Ranmaru’s changed into sleep clothes himself, and he’d pull Tokiya close to him. Tokiya can’t turn around, so he’d just stay with his forehead pressed against Ranmaru’s chest, curled into him. 

Ranmaru was warm, especially next to Tokiya, under the blanket. Tokiya would cry, and Ranmaru would just hold him tighter, his hand rubbing Tokiya’s back. Ranmaru might have talked to Tokiya, but he could tell how miserable Tokiya was feeling, and he doubted Tokiya’s ability to respond just as much as Tokiya did. Tokiya wouldn’t be able to fall asleep until he had cried himself out, and then he’d be out before he realized he was. 

He feels even more miserable when he wakes up. He feels sluggish and his entire body feels heavy. Ranmaru isn’t in the bed, and when Tokiya forces himself to roll over, with far more difficulty than he should have had, and grabs his phone, he realizes that it’s almost four in the afternoon. He had quite the headache, too, and he found himself tangled in the blankets. He had assumed he was alone in the apartment, because Ranmaru _should_ be at work- and that would influence the sobs he’d break into, after trying to untangle himself from the blankets and only getting himself stuck worse. 

He’s gotten himself too worked up to stop when Ranmaru opens the bedroom door, but he’d turn his head, trying to calm himself down. 

“Hey, hey, what’s goin’ on?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow, but his eyes show that he’s panicked. 

Tokiya would rub his eyes harshly with the back of his hand, and his voice would tremble a bit. His voice comes out cracking, partly because of his tears and partly because of how dry his mouth felt. “I’m stuck in the blanket.” 

Ranmaru would breathe out, almost a bit relieved to find that that’s what it was. “Stay still.”

Tokiya would, though his struggle had slowed significantly as soon as Ranmaru had entered the room. 

“Jesus- you really did get yourself good.” Ranmaru would mutter, extracting Tokiya from the blanket. He would get Tokiya untangled, and Tokiya would immediately begin to get up, but Ranmaru would stop him with a hand on his shoulder. “Take it easy. You look like shit.” Ranmaru’s hand would move, under Tokiya’s chin, to tilt his head up. Ranmaru has the same expression from last night- Tokiya thinks. A lot of last night was awfully fuzzy. 

“That makes sense.” Tokiya would say hoarsely. “I’ve never been drugged before. I don’t think I’d ever want to be again.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru would say dryly. “Can’t say I’d like to ever see it again, either. What happened?”

“I need water before I start talking.” Tokiya would move to get up again. 

“You just sit there. I’ll go get it.”

Tokiya would lean against the wall at the top of the bed, closing his eyes. When Ranmaru comes back with a bottle of water, Tokiya would open his eyes, leaning up to get it. Tokiya’s face would soften, just a bit, when Ranmaru would hand him the bottle and Tokiya would realize that Ranmaru had already loosened the cap for him. Tokiya would take the bottle, drinking it far quicker than he likely should. He doesn’t stop, even when he feels some water, dripping down his chin, but he’d hear Ranmaru sigh, and he’d feel Ranmaru gently wipe at Tokiya’s chin with his thumb. 

Tokiya would finally lower the bottle, breathing heavily, but he’d end up coughing, covering his mouth with his arm. When he’d finally stop coughing, he’d lean back against the bed, his face tired. Ranmaru would move, to sit on the other side of the bed, but he’s sitting further towards the bottom. 

“We’ve gotta lot ‘t talk about.” Ranmaru would sigh, rubbing his eyes. “What happened last night?”

“A guy came to me, trying to hit on me. I think he slipped something in my drink. I called you, before anything else could happen.”

“Good.” Ranmaru would get quiet for a moment, and then he’d look at Tokiya, but would wait for Tokiya to finally meet his eyes before he’d talk. “‘N yesterday?”

Tokiya would frown. “I… I know I overreacted I just- it’s hard not to get upset. It’s hard being feminized, but it feels harder to deal with it. I took it out on you, and I’m sorry.” 

Ranmaru would sigh. “I’m not gonna tell you I’m sorry for standing up for you. I wasn’t doin’ it to treat you like a girl- I was doing it because someone disrespected you. ‘M not gonna promise that it won’t happen again, either. …” Ranmaru would glance away from Tokiya. “It’s _you_, Toki. I know you’re real sensitive to this stuff, and you’ve got a right ‘t be, but I’m still your boyfriend.” His eyebrows would lower. “I’m still _me_, Tokiya. I know you’re not gonna stand up for yourself, ‘specially with things like this- and I get that I can’t ask you to start. But I’d like for it to go the other way, too.”

Tokiya would move, and he’d wrap his arms around Ranmaru. Ranmaru would catch him, almost holding him up. “I’m sorry, Ran.” Tokiya’s head is buried in the crook of Ranmaru’s neck. “I know. I know I can’t ask you to change yourself. That’s not what I want, either. It was just… a difficult situation that I handled wrong.”

Ranmaru’s hand would drop, under Tokiya’s shirt and onto his lower back, his thumb rubbing over Tokiya’s skin. 

Tokiya would grip onto Ranmaru’s shirt, and he’d close his eyes tightly. “Ran-” Tokiya’s voice is almost hesitant. “I think I want to get surgery.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a very long moment. “If that’s what’s gonna make you happy, then I think you should. But that’s a huge decision. I know you’ve been thinkin’ about it for a long time, but make sure you’re ready.”

“I could put it off forever, Ran. I know that I want it- I’m not worried about the end result it’s just… it’s surgery. And it’s so _frustrating_. I just wish I didn’t need it. And I suppose arguably, I don’t… not on a medical standpoint-”

“If it’s gonna make your life better, Toki, I think it’s worth it. Whether you get it now, or years in the future.”

“I’m… I’m afraid of the recovery.” Tokiya would admit. 

“You’re not gonna be alone during it.” Ranmaru would promise. 

“I think I’m going to go through with it. I’m going to start looking.” Tokiya’s body would almost slump. He hadn’t realized how tense he was. Ranmaru would lightly squeeze Tokiya. 

“Alright.” Ranmaru would give it a moment of silence, and his voice would drop to a mumble. “How’re you holdin’ up? You went through a lot last night.”

Tokiya would swallow hard, and his own voice would drop. “I still feel horrible. I felt absolutely miserable last night. That’s something you hear about but you never think that it’s going to happen to you. It… it really does scare me. I hadn’t even _left_ my drink. I looked away from it for a few seconds and it happened. I feel stupid. Like I should have known that I was being tricked.”

Ranmaru would sigh. “I don’t think you should’ve gone alone- but people are fuckin’ sick. Thank you, for callin’ me. I hate that this was a lesson, but you just.. Have ‘t be careful. For today, let’s just take it easy, if you’re still not feelin’ well. If it doesn’t wear off, we can go get you checked out.” Ranmaru would wait for Tokiya to pull back, and he’d press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. 

Tokiya’s jaw would grit as he’d stifle a yawn. “I know I just woke up, but I’m still tired.”

“You’ve got at least the rest ‘a today off, so go ahead and sleep.”

“Will you lay with me?”

“‘Course. Lemme just get a drink and I’ll be right back, okay?”

Tokiya would nod, pulling away from Ranmaru completely. By the time he had finally settled back in, Ranmaru would have left and come back, and would have climbed into bed with Tokiya. 

It would only be a little more than a month later when Tokiya would have been lying in bed, trying to stay as still as possible. Tokiya had never spent any length of time not wearing his shirt in Ranmaru’s apartment before, but wearing anything over his now flat chest was painful. Ranmaru would have been lying besides him, asleep. Ranmaru couldn’t take much time off of work, but he had taken today, the day after the surgery, off. Tokiya had stayed the night of the surgery at the hospital but had been released the next day, and it was Ranmaru who had brought him back. Ranmaru had been hovering near him, and Tokiya didn’t mind it. 

It wasn’t an unbearable pain, but Tokiya hated any and all types of pain. Getting up at all wasn’t comfortable, and Tokiya hadn’t even put the blanket over his chest, because he didn’t like irritating the cuts. 

He was still glad. 

Sure, he wishes he _could_ wear a shirt right now- but he hadn’t ever felt comfortable _not_ wearing one before. The difference was night and day. 

Tokiya would turn his head, watching Ranmaru with a soft expression. Ranmaru would turn, making a tired noise before finally opening his eyes. “Hmm?” Ranmaru’s eyes would fix on Tokiya’s face. “What’s that look for?” His voice is slurred a bit with sleep. 

“I’m just appreciating how lucky I am.” Tokiya would give him a fond smile. “I am truly, genuinely happy right now. You’re an incredibly large part of that.”

“You’re bein’ awfully soft.” Ranmaru would mumble, but when Tokiya reaches out to him, Ranmaru would catch Tokiya’s hand, pressing a kiss to the back of it. “It’s cute.” 

Tokiya would give an amused huff. “I want a kiss.” Tokiya would mumble. “But I can’t sit up to give you one.”

“Makin’ me do all the work.” Ranmaru would grumble, but his voice is teasing. He’d let go of Tokiya’s hand to push himself up, and he’d lean over, pressing a soft kiss to Tokiya’s lips. He’d pull away after only a second, and would expertly dodge Tokiya when he’d try to catch him, plopping back down on the bed, clicking his tongue. “You gotta take it easy for at least a couple more days.”

Tokiya would groan. 

“Speakin’ a which- did y’need anything?” 

“Well, if you’re asking-”

“Anything that’s not a makeout session.”

“Well that’s no fun.”

Ranmaru would chuckle. “Soon, babe.”

Tokiya would smile, but then it would falter, and he’d sigh, getting more serious. “There is one thing, but if you’re uncomfortable with it, I won’t make you.”

“Hmm?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows would furrow, and he’d look at Tokiya with a more intense gaze. 

“Once a week I have to give myself a shot. If you aren’t comfortable giving me the shot, I can figure it out but-”

“I can do it, if it’s easier. What kinda shot is it?”

“Testosterone. It’s… a bit unfortunate, needing to do it but I’m… I don’t have a very good track record of upkeeping it, and I need to get better. I get miserable, going without it for too long.”

“Isn’t that an IM shot? I don’t really know much about ‘em but-”

“They can be. Mine are subcutaneous, so they’re just under the skin. I don’t think I’d be capable of giving myself IM shots.” Tokiya would wince at the thought. 

“I can handle it.” Ranmaru would turn to his side, putting his hand on Tokiya’s stomach, careful to keep it away from Tokiya’s bandages. “D’ya need it right now?” 

“Sometime today.”

“So how often are you supposed to do them?”

“About once a week.”

“And the last time you did one?”

“...Nearing two weeks ago, I believe.”

Ranmaru would give Tokiya an almost stern look. “What happens when you don’t take ‘em?”

Tokiya would go a bit red, glancing away from Ranmaru. “It depends on how long I don’t take it- if I go long enough I can restart my period and that’s just… altogether awful and unpleasant.”

“Is there a reason you don’t take them?”

“The shot isn’t fun. I was better when I started- but now that it’s caused most of the changes that it’s going to, I’ve gotten worse with it.”

“Then we’ll get it done soon. We should probably address this.” Ranmaru would move, sitting up, careful not to jostle the bed. “You’ve gotta start taking these, Toki. I don’t like the tone you use, talkin’ about what happens when you don’t.”

“It’s hard.” Tokiya would sigh. 

“I won’t say it’s not- but it’s somethin’ you’ve gotta do.” Ranmaru would turn his head, to look at Tokiya. “I’ll just add it ‘t my list of reminders for you.”

“What do you mean, list of reminders?”

Ranmaru would click his tongue. “To eat, to sleep right, ‘t not overwork yourself. More recently to not overdo it with your binder. ‘M sure there’s more that I’m missing.”

Tokiya would go red. “How long has this list been a thing?”

“Probably since before we started dating. I heard stories of Hayato, y’know.” Ranmaru would hesitate, and he’d look away from Tokiya as he continues. “You _can_ take care ‘a yourself, with a ‘lil push. Just figured I’d help.” Tokiya’s face would soften, and when Ranmaru glances back at him, and Tokiya sees that his face is just a bit pinker. “So what’ve I gotta do about this shot?”

“If you bring me the supplies, I can put it together. They’re in the cabinet by the fridge. It’s the bottle of testosterone, and then I need a syringe, and one of the shorter needles.” Ranmaru would nod, and he’d climb off the bed, leaving the room. When he comes back, he’s also holding a prescription bottle with a raised eyebrow. Tokiya would go a bit red again. 

“We’ll talk about it after. What do I do now?” Ranmaru would set the bottle on the bed stand. Tokiya would shift, wincing a bit, but would hold out his hands, and Ranmaru would pass the supplies. Tokiya would set the smaller needle on his stomach, and he’d notice Ranmaru watching him closely as he’d fill the syringe about halfway with the testosterone. He’d recap and switch the needles, changing the longer draw-up needle to the shorter one. Tokiya would sigh, but he’d move, to a laying down position again, because his crumpled position was getting painful. Ranmaru would carefully take the syringe, but he’d watch Tokiya, waiting for instruction. 

“I normally do it in my leg.” Tokiya admits. “Because it’s easier to do in fattier areas and my lifestyle makes that… a little harder. But for now, you can just do it in my stomach.” Ranmaru looks uncertain, but Tokiya would flash him a small smile, and he’d reach out to squeeze Ranmaru’s arm. “Don’t worry. It’ll be fine.” Ranmaru would narrow his eyes at that. 

“You sure? No point in doin’ anything that’s gonna hurt _more_ if we can do it another way.”

“I- if it doesn’t bother you.” Tokiya’s voice is a mumble at this point, and Ranmaru wouldn’t give him a verbal answer- merely a look. Tokiya would press his fingers to the inside of his thigh, outside of his pants. “This is the area I usually do it. The only real tips I have is to make sure you’re slow with pressing down the plunger, and when you’re done to leave it in for a few seconds.” Tokiya would go a bit red again. “And thank you. I know this isn’t really a normal relationship thing.”

Ranmaru would reach forward to run his free hand through Tokiya’s hair. “It’s definitely strange, but ‘m happy to help.” Ranmaru would set the syringe down on the nightstand for a moment, stopping Tokiya before he could struggle to lower his sweatpants. Ranmaru would help, lowering Tokiya’s sweatpants to just above his knees, but Tokiya would cover his face with one of his hands. Ranmaru would move his hand, and he’d press his lips against Tokiya’s in a short but firm kiss. “Y’don’t need to be embarrassed. It’s fine. ‘Specially if it’s for your own good, babe.” 

Tokiya would give an almost weak smile, taking Ranmaru’s hand and squeezing it gently. “Now who’s being soft?”

Ranmaru would snort, squeezing Tokiya’s hand back before pulling away. “Let’s get this done with.” Ranmaru would pick up the needle, and he’d uncap it. Ranmaru looks focused- perhaps a bit more than he needs to be, in Tokiya’s opinion, but Ranmaru would do it, carefully following what little instruction Tokiya had given him. Tokiya would grimace, but would otherwise stay quiet. Ranmaru would stay focused until he had recapped the needle, but would frown once he had set the needle down, some uncertainty in his expression. “I didn’t do it wrong, did I?”

“No, no- you did it right.” Tokiya would reach for Ranmaru’s hand, and he’d press a kiss against the back of it. “It stings sometimes, but that isn’t your fault.”

Ranmaru would sigh, and he wouldn’t show it, but he’s relieved. He’d help Tokiya pull his sweatpants back up, though Tokiya would wince again, moving. Ranmaru would squeeze the leg he hadn’t just injected as a silent apology, and he’d take care of discarding the supplies, before he’d come back to give Tokiya a serious look. 

“I’m in trouble, aren’t I?” Tokiya would mumble.

“Maybe.” Ranmaru would raise an eyebrow. “Antidepressants?” 

“I-” Tokiya would glance away, and Ranmaru would catch his lip trembling and Ranmaru’s face would soften. 

“Hey, don’t misunderstand.” His voice sounds almost stern. He’d move forward to set his hand on Tokiya’s cheek. “It’s not that you’re on ‘em, it’s that the bottle’s still full and I’ve never seen you take ‘em.”

Tokiya’s face would change, and it’s still a bit guilty, though now in a different way. “They don’t work.” Tokiya would admit. “I’ve been prescribed quite a few different kinds and they never seem to do anything- I tend to stop taking them.”

Ranmaru would sigh, though his hand doesn’t move from Tokiya’s face. “How long do you give them?”

“A few weeks.” Tokiya’s voice is a mumble.

“...I won’t give you a lecture because it looks like you already know what I’m gonna say. How long have you had these ones?”

“...Months? At least.”

“Was that the last time you saw your doctor?”

“Months. At least.”

Ranmaru would frown, and Tokiya’s hand would lift, to rest on Ranmaru’s hand. 

“You don’t need to give me that look. I haven’t gone because I don’t need to.” Ranmaru’s look would turn skeptical. “Really. I’m… I’m not always happy. I’m often miserable, and sometimes getting through the day is really, really difficult. It was… near impossible, while I was living by myself. Having you is a gift that I don’t deserve. I can’t tell you that you’re a fix all, or that all of the mental health issues I’ve been dealing with for my entire life are completely gone, just because I have you- but damn do you help me.” Tokiya would give Ranmaru a small smile, but his eyes are teary. “And I really do mean that. Having you as my support is invaluable, and I’m sorry if I ever do anything to make you feel like that isn’t the case. My mental health is something I haven’t spoken to you about because it’s something I usually try to forget myself. But I really am better than I was. Not perfect- and not close, but better. I’d like to believe that I’m still improving, as well.” 

Ranmaru would lean over him, and he’d press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead, lingering for a long moment, his hand cradling Tokiya’s face. When he pulls back, there are quite a few emotions on Ranmaru’s face. “I still think you should see a doctor, and give the meds a real chance, if they put ya on ‘em again. But don’t get me wrong-” Ranmaru’s voice changes and becomes serious. “It means a lot. ‘T know that you feel like I’m helping you. It’s what I want. I know we fight-” His voice would turn to a grumble. “Maybe a ‘lil more than we should.” His tone would change again, softening. “And I know you’re not always happy. But I really do fuckin’ love you, Tokiya, and I want what’s best for you. And I think we’re in a good place-” Ranmaru would finally look away, his face turning significantly more red. “You help me, too. ‘T stay in touch with parts ‘a myself that you’re the only one that’s ever gonna see.”

Ranmaru has to physically hold Tokiya down, because Tokiya would try to move, but Ranmaru’s expression is still soft, and while he’s trying to keep it stern, it isn’t quite working. “Here, just- stay in the bed, alright.” Ranmaru would mutter, and he’d slowly move his hands off of Tokiya. When Tokiya stays down, he’s a bit faster, moving to the other side of the bed. He’s careful when he positions himself, his chin on Tokiya’s shoulder and his arm over Tokiya’s lower stomach. It’s a bit awkward, but it seems to content Tokiya, 

There’s a long, comfortable silence, but eventually Tokiya would tense a bit, and Ranmaru would watch him for a long moment, and when Tokiya doesn’t speak up, Ranmaru would. “You in pain?”

“No- it’s not that.” Tokiya would say quietly. The pain really wasn’t that bad, so long as he was lying still. “I’ve never taken my shirt off in front of you. ...I’ve never spent a prolonged time with my shirt off… ever. I-” Tokiya’s voice would drop further. “This is going to sound ridiculous, but do you think I’m attractive?”

Ranmaru’s head would move, just a bit, pressing his nose against the side of Tokiya’s neck. “Are you kiddin’ me? You’re one of the fuckin’ hottest guys I’ve ever met. Before your surgery and after it.”

“Do the scars bother you?”

“Me? Not at all. Are they botherin’ you?”

“I don’t know. It… reminds me that this isn’t… right?” Tokiya would frown. “That’s not quite the right word but I can’t think of a better one. It’s far better than the alternative, of course. I guess it just… makes me feel less like a man?” 

“It shouldn’t.” Ranmaru would reassure. “You’re more man than half the fuckin’ men out there, babe. It’s not a perfect fix, but the scars’ll fade. And it’s only been two days. Maybe it won’t ever totally feel right, but it’s gonna be a process, gettin’ used to it. And maybe someday you will.”

“I really do hope so.” Tokiya would say quietly. Tokiya could feel his eyes burn, but Ranmaru can feel Tokiya’s chest heave with his attempt to keep in his cries. 

“Talk to me, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice has turned quieter. 

“I just want to look at myself in the mirror and not feel disgusted.” Tokiya would finally break, starting to cry. “I’m so sick of feeling like I’m not right. Like there’s something wrong with me- and I don’t even know what! It could be so many things, and I just don’t know.” Tokiya’s voice would break once more, and would turn almost distant. “...You know, statistically, suicide rates are higher in transgender individuals. This is likely one of the reasons why. If- God, without you, or without all of the boys… I don’t… I don’t think I could make it, Ran.” 

Ranmaru would get quiet, but his grip on Tokiya’s waist would tighten. It would be a long moment before Ranmaru would say anything, and his voice is strained. Tokiya can’t see his face. “I don’t know what to say.” He’d admit. “There’s… some things I can understand. But a lot of it, I can’t even pretend to. ‘M not always gonna be able to do the right things, or say the right things. But fuck-” Ranmaru’s voice sounds desperate. “If you ever feel that way, any reason, any time- just…” Ranmaru’s voice would break. It sounds almost childlike, and Tokiya can tell that Ranmaru is purposefully trying to hide his face, rather than concealing it through position alone. Ranmaru’s grip would tighten, just a bit more, almost clutching onto Tokiya. “I know this isn’t going to sound like me.” His admission is quiet and weak. “But I really don’t know how I’d handle myself if I lost you, Toki. ‘Specially to something like that. You’ve got a lotta people on your side, and I know for a fact that all ‘a your band members would support you if you needed ‘em to. If you ever feel like that’s your only option- please don’t let it be your first.”

It takes a second, for Tokiya to realize that Ranmaru is crying, and it breaks his heart when he figures it out. Tokiya would move the arm that Ranmaru isn’t pressed against, crossing it over his chest to put his hand on Ranmaru’s face. He’d like to pet through Ranmaru’s hair, but it hurts enough to cross his arm over his chest just to reach Ranmaru’s cheek. “I won’t, darling.” Tokiya’s voice is so soft. “I would never do that to you. I promise. I couldn’t bear leaving, knowing what it would do to the other boys, and heaven forbid _you_. I adore you, Ranmaru. I hate seeing you in pain.” Tokiya’s voice would turn strained. “I’d especially never want to be the one to cause it.” 

Ranmaru’s hand would move, and at first it only rests on Tokiya’s hand, and then, with obvious difficulty, he moves Tokiya’s hand back down to his side, off of Tokiya’s chest. “I believe you.” Ranmaru’s voice is hardly audible. “But that’s one ‘a the feelings I _am_ familiar with. I know that sometimes it’s a real momentary, impulsive, creeping thought. ‘N I know you’re real fuckin’ strong, Toki, but sometimes I don’t think you know that. ...Another thing we have in common is a difficulty ‘n expressin’ feelings.” Ranmaru would give a shaky, almost frustrated sigh. “Which is why ‘m bein’ so…”

“Soft?” Tokiya would suggest, his own tone gentle. 

Ranmaru would give a weak grunt. “Yeah. Soft. If it means keepin’ you safe, and as happy as you can be, I’m willin’ to push past my… reservations. Even if it means repeatin’ myself, or sayin’ the wrong thing sometimes, or embarrassing myself. Bad communication is still better than no communication.”

“Ran- you very rarely tell me the wrong thing. I know I’m not always… receptive… to your attempts- but I understand that you’re making them. You know my self opinion.” Tokiya’s voice turns a bit dry, but it returns to its gentle tone. “And despite everything that I’ve convinced myself that I am, and everything I’ve convinced myself I am not- I have no doubts in my mind when you tell me that you care for me. You told me that you show me a different side of yourself- a side only I see. It goes both ways. ...Unfortunately, I think the exclusive side you see of me is my overwhelmingly negative side, and I am sorry for that- but you really are the only one to ever see me as weak and pathetic as I can sometimes get.”

“You’re wrong.” Ranmaru’s voice is sharp. “‘Bout it bein’ weak and pathetic. You can be pretty negative- ‘m not gonna argue on that. But I don’t think you’re being _pathetic_. I think you’re being _vulnerable._ ...It shows that you trust me. ‘S why I don’t mind seein’ it. When I hear stories about Hayato, and all the things you used ‘t do… it kinda freaked me out, when we first started going out. Even when we were just friends. Made me wonder what you weren’t gonna tell me- if you were hidin’ things.” Ranmaru’s chuckle isn’t quite right- it’s still weighed down by the emotions that Tokiya feels positive are obvious on Ranmaru’s face. “You’re easy to read now, y’know? I never fuckin’ thought I’d ever be able to say that. ‘N trust me, that’s a good thing. I _like_ knowing what you’re thinkin’. Whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing, or it’s just some dumb idle comment.” Ranmaru’s voice had turned a bit teasing towards the end, but it would become serious again quickly. “Not ‘t mention that I really am happy with you, Toki. Not all the time, obviously- but for all the times we bicker, I fucking love you. I really do think that we bring out more good in each other than we do bad.”

Tokiya hadn’t even realized he was crying- because it was a very slow and quiet crying, and he certainly wasn’t upset. “That is definitely one of the softest, sweetest tangents I’ve ever heard you go off on, Ran, and I can’t even think of words to describe how happy I was, hearing you say that.”

“You’re lucky you’re you.” Ranmaru would grumble. Tokiya can almost feel his shoulder heat up, where Ranmaru’s face was pressed against it, and Tokiya would let out a teary laugh, but it’s such a bright sound. “We should get some rest. Save the sappy shit for when you’re done recovering. ‘S long as you’re not still worried about how you look.” Ranmaru does sound genuine, and he’d finally pull back, keeping his arm around Tokiya’s waist but moving his head up, onto the pillows, to try to watch Tokiya’s face. When Tokiya turns his head, he can see that Ranmaru’s blush hadn’t quite faded, and that his tears had stopped, and were starting to dry on his cheeks- but that he definitely _had_ cried. It would be Ranmaru, however, who would bring his hand up to brush the tears off of Tokiya’s cheeks- though Tokiya’s tears had stopped as well. 

“I certainly can’t say that I mind hearing you tell me how hot you think I am.” Tokiya’s lips would turn up at the corners. “But I do believe you. I’m still not sure how I feel, or how I’m going to- but your opinion does mean a lot to me.” Tokiya’s smile would turn teasing. “Though I’m not convinced that you wouldn’t tell me that I’m attractive regardless of how I looked.”

“You’re probably right. Don’t think there’s anythin’ you could do to yourself ‘t make you _not_ be one of the sexiest people I’ve met.” Ranmaru’s eyes would close, and he’d shift, his head moving back to Tokiya’s shoulder, and his voice would drop to a mumble. “‘N y’know, I _do_ have pretty good taste in men.”

Tokiya can’t stop the snort that would come from Ranmaru’s response, and he finds himself smiling, especially when he feels Ranmaru chuckle against his shoulder. 

“Now go ‘t sleep.” Ranmaru wouldn’t quite _poke_ Tokiya’s side, but he’d gently press his fingers into Tokiya’s hip. 

Tokiya would give a good natured huff, but he would close his eyes. Tokiya didn’t _feel_ tired, but with Ranmaru pressed so close to him and the warm feeling in his chest would have him falling asleep before he had even realized he was.


	37. Chapter Thirty-Seven

Tokiya wasn’t often in charge of missions- but when he was, he took them seriously.

Tokiya had been prefaced on exactly what his mission was before he had started it- and to put it bluntly, it was a suicide mission. A team was to make their way into the building to plant a bomb, but the bomb was to be set off manually. A team was needed to make their way in, but one person would have to stay behind. 

Tokiya wasn’t asked to be that one person, but he had assumed that he would be. 

It made choosing his team easier. 

It was more offensive oriented agents, and Ren. There were a total of seven, including Tokiya. 

Tokiya would have gathered his team in a room, explaining what was to happen. “We have one week to gather the necessary tools and information to infiltrate our target. One member, selected at random, will be chosen to stand guard over the bomb we’re to implant in the middle of the facility while the others make their way out. If you choose to leave, so be it- but you’re going to be expected to find someone to take your place.” 

Everyone would be silent. Ren’s look is challenging, but it’s subtle. Ren wouldn’t undermine Tokiya in front of the others, especially not when Tokiya was the captain of the mission. 

“You’re released for today. Get a good night's sleep because starting tomorrow we’re going to be working hard to prepare. If there are any questions, feel free to stay behind.”

There weren’t many questions. All details would be filled in later and Tokiya had gotten the main point across. But Ren would have stayed behind. 

“I’m surprised to see you take on this kind of mission.” Ren’s voice is a bit dry. “A suicide mission? Are you really willing to kill one of these men? To kill me?” Ren sounds like he knows what Tokiya’s answer is going to be.

Tokiya’s jaw would set, and he’d raise an eyebrow. “I’m your captain, Ren.”

“You’ve dismissed us. You aren’t my captain right now, you’re my boyfriend, and I want to hear your answer.”

“I accepted this mission. I wouldn’t have, if I didn’t think I could do it.” Tokiya’s voice sounds final.

“Did you choose the team?” Ren’s voice is serious. 

“...I did.”

“Why isn’t Ran on it?” Tokiya would stay silent. “He has no idea, does he?”

“He doesn’t even know I’m a captain of a team.” Tokiya’s voice would turn sharper. “I plan to keep it that way. You can feel free to tell Ran whatever you’d like, but keep my name out of it.” Ren would frown, but Tokiya’s face would remain stern. Ren would finally sigh. 

“I don’t like this, Toki.”

“It’s going to be done, no matter who is in charge. It may as well as be me.” 

Ren would have told Ranmaru, and would have reported back to Tokiya, away from him. Tokiya would have taken one look at Ren’s face, and would have handed him a letter. “Give this to Ranmaru.”

“Why not give it to him yourself?” Ren would push the letter back. 

“It’s best if you do.” Tokiya would push Ren’s hand back, and then Ren would go to undo the letter. Tokiya would click his tongue. “Deliver the letter and do not open it. This is a command, Jinguji.”

Ren would narrow his eyes, but he’d sigh, his expression turning almost a bit more desperate. “Understood.”

The letter would have explained that Ren wasn’t going on the actual mission. He would be preparing them, up until the point that they would leave, and then he would be staying behind. An order from the captain of the mission. 

Ren would have given Tokiya a subtle, confused look that night, but he would have been in the room the next day. 

As the days would progress, Tokiya was careful to keep himself cold and distant from the group. He had ordered them to call him Ichinose, and he kept his own small-talking to a minimum. 

“I would like you all to leave the room.” Tokiya would hold up a scrap of paper, folded, between his index and middle finger. “I have chosen, at random, the person that will not be coming out of the mission with us.” Tokiya would look at them, but would avoid Ren. “I’ll be calling you all in, one at a time, to tell you if it is or isn’t you. I expect there to be no revealing what I tell you in the hallway, or I’ll be forced to choose again and to keep all of you in the dark until the day of the mission.”

There’s silence, but a dutiful nod from everyone in the room- Ren included. 

“Alright. Everyone out. Except for you, Shinohara.” 

The woman, Hari, would stay seated, looking serious, but her tense body language would show her nerves. Tokiya would take a seat himself, as everyone else would leave. 

His team was four men and two women. 

He would look her in the eyes, and he would give her a serious look. He had been careful to try to choose people on the team that didn’t seem to be connected too closely to each other, to try to avoid some pain. Ren was a selfish choice- to spend time with Ren. Ren couldn’t stop him, if he wasn’t going on the mission. 

“You will not be the sacrifice, agent.” 

She does untense slightly, and while Tokiya can tell she’s curious to know who it is, she just nods. 

“Send in the next agent, will you? I’ll be calling all of you back in when I’m done.”

Ren happens to be the next one in. Tokiya wonders if she chose him or if he offered. Ren would sit down, in a chair far closer to Tokiya than Hari had. 

“It’s you, isn’t it?” Ren’s voice is quiet, but it’s dry. 

Tokiya’s jaw would set. “I chose the name at random. It isn’t you. Feel free to call in the next agent.”

“Tokiya, if you don’t speak to me now, I’m more than happy to speak later, in our room.” Ren’s voice is quiet, but it’s a threat. 

Tokiya would sigh. “Make it quick.”

“Can you really look me in the eyes and tell me that you made an effort to randomize our names before you choose your own? This was your decision from the beginning, wasn’t it?” Ren’s voice is accusatory, and he’d lean forward with narrowed eyes. 

Tokiya’s face would harden. “Your name is not in this paper. That is what I promised to tell you, and that’s all I promised to tell you. There’s no assurance that it even _is_ my name in this paper, Jinguji, just because it isn’t yours.” 

“I’m not speaking to you as my captain, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is strained. “I’m speaking to you as your partner.”

“And I’m speaking to you as your captain. Dismissed.” 

Ren’s expression is hard, but he’d stand, and then his voice would drop. “This is why you didn’t tell Ran, isn’t it? You won’t listen to me, but he wouldn’t let ignore him. Orders be damned.” Ren looks frustrated, but Tokiya’s face wouldn’t change. Ren would turn, leaving the room. Tokiya notices him pull himself together at the last second. 

Tokiya goes through the rest of his team quickly, letting all of them know that their name wasn’t in the paper. Ren looks fine when he’s called in, but Tokiya can see the unhappiness in his eyes. 

“You’ve all been informed of your roles. Our mission is in less than three days. We still have work to do, but we’re doing well. Thank you all for your work.” Tokiya would bow his head. “It’s too soon to release you, but feel free to work at any pace you’re comfortable with.” 

Discussion would be quiet at first, but Tokiya would actually move, speaking to some of his team. He purposefully would hover around Hari, trying to make sure Ren had seen him. Hoping to calm Ren. 

It would have been two days later when Hari would have brought up her feelings for a different agent- one not on the team. 

“We still have one night before the mission. You should go speak to him.” Tokiya’s voice is serious. “This is a dangerous mission, and that is the sort of thing that may be good to address.”

Hari would get a bit quiet, watching Tokiya, and Tokiya’s eyebrow would raise. 

“What?”

“If I may… Captain Ichinose- agent Kurosaki…” Tokiya’s lips would press together, but he wouldn’t stop her and she would continue. “He doesn’t know that you’re on this mission, does he?”

Ren’s become interested in this conversation. 

Tokiya would sigh, but Ren would speak up, in a casual tone. “That’s a good point. Maybe you two should make a deal. Hari could confess her feelings, and Captain Ichinose could fill in his partner.” 

Ranmaru and Tokiya were far more open than Ren was with either of them. It was the largest reason why Ren had yet to be suspected, despite all of the unusual signs. Like staying in the room far longer than he should. 

“I… think that sounds fair.” Hari would say, cautiously watching Tokiya. Tokiya would sigh. 

“Fine.” 

Ren wouldn’t say anything, but Tokiya could just feel his energy. Ren, in truth, was a bit relieved. Tokiya felt that he was smug. 

Tokiya would notice Hari, closer to another agent than a normal friend would be, after they had been released, and he’d sigh, rubbing his eyes with a hand and heading into his own room. Ranmaru wasn’t on a mission, so he wasn’t hard to find, but he also wasn’t suspicious- at first. 

Ranmaru would have closed the magazine, sitting up on the couch when Tokiya would walk in, giving a quick grunt in greeting, and then patting the couch. “C’mere. ‘S been a minute since I’ve seen you.”

Tokiya would move to the couch, and Ranmaru would watch his face carefully. “Y’looked stressed.” 

“That’s a word for it.”

“What’s goin’ on?” 

“I’ll… speak about it in a minute. Was there something in specific you needed to tell me?”

“Just wanted ‘t see you, but now that y’mention it- have you heard about Ren’s mission?” Ranmaru’s voice would turn dark. 

“The suicide one?” Tokiya’s smile is dry, and Ranmaru would get suspicious immediately. 

“Yeah. That one.”

“I’m the lead on that mission.”

Ranmaru would blink, surprised, and then a short look of realization would cross his face, and then a look of genuine anger. “Ren’s been keepin’ me updated on this mission. Told me that he was pretty sure the leader lied to everyone on the team and was gonna sacrifice ‘imself. I told Ren that the poor bastard was bein’ an idiot, and it turns out I was right. I didn’t want Ren on that mission, and I don’t want you on this mission, either.” Tokiya remains guarded, listening to Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s sat up, turned towards Tokiya, and his voice is livid, and his face matches. “Honestly?” This is the harshest Ranmaru’s voice has been yet. “How fuckin’ dare you try to go kill yourself on a mission without even fuckin’ telling me you’re _on one_. Just because you think your life is worthless doesn’t mean that I do, too, Tokiya. And pullin’ that move on Ren? The whole fuckin’ ordering him not ‘t say anything to me? Does he even know that he’s not goin’ on the mission yet? Shouldn’t you at least bring this kind of shit up to your _boyfriends_?” 

“Well that’s a simple solution.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. Ranmaru’s angry speech had hurt him. His stomach was clenching, and if he would let himself, he would cry. His chest was heavy. Tokiya would stand. “I’m cutting off our relationship.” 

Ranmaru’s laugh is sharp, harsh and humorless. He’d stand as well. “D’ya really think that’s a solution?” Ranmaru would take a step closer, and Tokiya would stand straighter. Ranmaru was shorter than he was, just barely, but Ranmaru was clearly the one with the power here, though Tokiya wouldn’t let his face reflect that. “Why the fuck do you think I’m dating you, Tokiya? A title isn’t going to make me stop caring about you.”

“Then I’ll make you hate me, if that’s what you need me to do,” Tokiya’s voice comes out cold. Ranmaru would cross his arms. 

“Try it.” There’s a clear challenge in Ranmaru’s voice. 

Tokiya would press his lips together, but his mind would go blank. He’d finally just turn, leaving. Ranmaru would watch him with narrowed eyes. 

Tokiya would visit an old friend- an agent that Tokiya knew carried alcohol, and he’d buy two bottles off of him. Tokiya wasn’t a head offense on his team- he just needed to get to the middle and hit a button. It didn’t matter if he was hungover or completely sober, and he doubted he was the only one on his team drinking right now. 

Tokiya would take the bottles to his old room. He slept in Ranmaru’s, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still have a room of his own. He’d sit on the bed, turning on some quiet music, and he’d drink. He’d manage to get down almost one of the large bottles. He’s definitely drunk, but he still doesn’t feel _better_. He’d leave the bottle, uncapped, by his bedside, undressing and not bothering with sleep clothes, just sleep in his underwear. He’d cry, a bit hysterically, for a few minutes, and then he’d shove his face into his pillow, and he’d pass out. 

When he wakes up, he isn’t concerned about the arm around his waist, at first. It takes him a long moment to realize that there shouldn’t be anyone with him. Tokiya would try to turn, to sit up, and he’d realize that his hands are cuffed together. The arm would loosen, and Tokiya would manage to turn, and the arm would restrict again when Tokiya is facing Ranmaru. 

Tokiya would stare at him, for a long moment, but it still isn’t near time for the mission to start. He couldn’t have been sleeping for more than a few hours. Tokiya’s eyes would slowly narrow. He’s still not sober- and that thought would actually make his face relax. “‘S this some weird dream?” Tokiya’s voice is still a bit slurred. 

“Sure. Just go back ‘t sleep.” Ranmaru would mumble. Tokiya would move to turn back around, and it would take some effort because Ranmaru wouldn’t loosen his grip again, and Tokiya would reach towards the night stand, for the bottle. “I got rid ‘a the alcohol. Ya don’t need ‘t drink yourself stupid.”

“This is a dream?” Tokiya would ask again, quietly. 

“If that’s what you want it ‘t be.” 

Tokiya would still for a second. All of him wanted to believe this was a dream. He wanted to get along with Ranmaru before he brought himself to his death. Tokiya would turn, back towards Ranmaru, and he’d press his head against Ranmaru’s chest. Ranmaru’s arms would move, holding him closer rather than holding him down. 

“This is a dream.” Tokiya would mumble, reassuring himself. “I’m sorry, Ran.” This is something that Tokiya would never say- if he were a little more awake, or a little more sober. “I love you. I don’t want to die. But I’m in charge. I’m the captain. I can’t kill anyone in my team. If I die, it’s a sacrifice. If they die, it’s a murder. I don’t want you to hate me. I wish I was in your apartment right now, but I know if I was that you would stop me. And it isn’t like I don’t want to be stopped.” Tokiya’s rambling is so quiet. So tired. “But I can’t be because I have the responsibility to do this. I wanted Ren on my team because I didn’t want to be alone before I died, and all he got from me was me being cold to him. And because he’s not going on the mission, I’m not ever going to be able to fix that, and I’m never going to be able to fix last night with you. And then tomorrow, I’m going to die. I’m going to die, alone, and completely by my own choice and that’s terrifying.”

“Why didn’t you just say this earlier?” Ranmaru’s voice is deep, and sad. 

“I didn’t want that. Your voice. ...I don’t like it when you’re sad. If you didn’t care about me, then I wouldn’t be so unsure.” Tokiya would suddenly get more desperate, his hands clutching onto Ranmaru’s shirt, and his eyes open wide. In the dark, Tokiya can see that Ranmaru is looking at him, too. “Tell me you don’t care about me.”

“What?” Ranmaru sounds almost disbelieving. 

“Please. Tell me that you wouldn’t care if I died.” Tokiya’s voice is pleading. “That you don’t care what happens to me.” Tokiya’s voice would break. “Tell me that you want me to go.”

“No.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat and final. “I _don’t_ want you to go because I _do_ care about you.”

“If this is a dream.” Tokiya would sound frustrated. “Then tell me you never want to see me again. And if it isn’t, unlock my handcuffs.”

“‘M not gonna do either of those.”

“Let go of me.” Tokiya’s voice would shake, and he’d try to pull away. Ranmaru wouldn’t let him. “This is my mission, agent Kurosaki, and I’m going.” Tokiya’s voice is colder, but it isn’t steady enough to even begin to be convincing. 

“Don’t use your agent tone with me.” Ranmaru is stern. “Ya can’t just fall back on this when you need someone ‘t listen to you.”

“I’ve already made a fool out of myself.” Tokiya would snap, beginning to sober up. “And I already look like an idiot. Would you just let me out of these stupid things and leave me alone?”

“You didn’t make a fool outta yourself, would’ya stop struggling? We wouldn’t have any of these problems if you’d just talk to me the way you obviously wanted to.” Ranmaru’s voice is a grumble, but there’s genuine anger there. “How can ya tell me that you don’t wanna die, but then fight me so hard when I try to keep you alive. I get that you feel responsible, but that’s bullshit, Toki. If ya wanna be stopped- _let me stop you_.” Ranmaru lets out a frustrated growl, especially when Tokiya doesn’t still, and Ranmaru has to fully wrap Tokiya in his arms to keep him still. “I know you’re not gonna, but it doesn’t matter because you’re not going.”

“Unlock the handcuffs, Ranmaru.” Tokiya’s voice is getting more desperate, because he knows Ranmaru isn’t going to listen to him. 

“Fine.” Ranmaru would let him go, and Tokiya would freeze, shocked. Ranmaru would reach into his pants, pulling out a key, and he’d unlock the wrist furthest from himself, and would hook the now open handcuff to his own wrist. He’d put the key back in his pocket. “There.” Ranmaru’s voice is dry. “I’ll unlock you when the mission’s totally over. But you better get some rest because the captain’s still gotta tell Ren he’s not going.”

“You have no responsibility to do this.” Tokiya would snap. 

“Yeah. You’ve got no _real_ responsibility ‘t kill yourself either. But if you’re talking about that weak breakup- we can talk about that after the mission. If y’still want to be broken up, then we’ll deal with that then. But I already told you that breaking up with me doesn’t just cancel out the fact that I give a shit about your well-being, Tokiya.”

“You’re an agent. You should understand the nec-” 

“And you should understand why they made you captain.” Ranmaru would cut him off sharply. “It was to watch over your team and make sure the job gets done. ‘T make the hard decisions. Killin’ yourself is the easy way out, and there’s no way to fix anything that goes wrong afterwards. That was your job as a leader.”

“Well if I’ve failed at that, then why shouldn’t I be the one to set off the bomb?”

“So you can live and learn.” Ranmaru’s voice has turned dry again. “You’re not goin’. Other ‘n ‘t wish ‘em off and tell Ren he’s not going either.”

Tokiya would turn his head, away from Ranmaru. When Ranmaru’s hand moves, the one connected to Tokiya, and grabs Tokiya’s hand- Tokiya doesn’t pull it away. The room stays quiet. 

“I think you’re wrong.” Tokiya would finally say, some time later. “I think you’re being selfish, and I don’t think you’re looking at the bigger picture. But I don’t think that you’re the bad guy.”

Ranmaru would make an unamused noise, and he’d sigh. “Maybe I am bein’ selfish. But aren’t you, too?”

“What do you mean?” Tokiya’s voice is almost a bit taken aback. 

“If you say you don’t wanna die, but you’re pressin’ so hard to go kill yourself ‘for the good of the team’, then you’re goin’ for some good guy hero complex deal. I’d call that selfish.”

Tokiya would get quiet again. Tokiya is surprised that he falls asleep, but he does manage to, and his alarm would wake him up. Out of habit, he’d try to use the hand connected to Ranmaru’s to turn it off, and is quickly reminded of last night, and of Ranmaru, handcuffed to him. Tokiya would use his other arm, grumbling. The way he’s pulling Ranmaru’s arm likely isn’t comfortable, but it’s Ranmaru’s fault for handcuffing them together. 

Tokiya would frown, holding his arm up. Ranmaru was in sleep clothes- but he was _in_ clothes. Tokiya wasn’t.

“Will you at least let me go so I can get dressed?”

“You can put on pants. Just wear a blanket.” Ranmaru’s steady stare convinces Tokiya that he isn’t joking, but Tokiya would narrow his eyes. “Y’know-” Ranmaru would continue. “You were real sweet last night. I’d be a lot more lenient with ya if you were nicer to me.”

Tokiya would scoff, and Ranmaru would raise an eyebrow, and then Tokiya would look away. “What difference does it make? I can bat my eyes at you and play nice but what is it going to get me? If there was anything I could do short of attacking you to leave on this mission, you wouldn’t have gone to these lengths to keep me from leaving.” Tokiya would get up, and Ranmaru would follow him up, and Tokiya would grab the pair of pants from last night, struggling to put them on with a hand. When Ranmaru would take pity and would try to help him, he’d let the pants fall to swat at Ranmaru’s hands, though Tokiya is dangerously close to crying. “I don’t need you to help me put on pants.”

“Just drop the attitude and talk to me, Tokiya.”

“I know _you_ don’t feel the responsibility- but this, right now, is me failing, Ranmaru.” Tokiya would snap. “I’m not strong like you or charming like Ren. I finally got a worthwhile mission, where _I_ was in control, and I couldn’t even do that. I couldn’t even _die_ right. It’s no wonder they asked me to go kill myself because I’ve only ever proven, time and time again, that I’m nothing but a liability and you’re never going to get that! Ren’s never going to get that! Of course I love both of you, but neither of you have to deal with feeling like a child when you can’t go on a mission without your partner hovering over you to make sure you don’t mess everything up!”

Tokiya isn’t crying, but his face is upset and his voice is raised. His pants have been forgotten, but only for a moment, because when he’s done talking, he’d harshly pull them up, fumbling with one hand. Ranmaru’s face remains serious, throughout hearing Tokiya out, and when he speaks, his voice is quiet. “We’ll get Ren, and then we’ll talk about this.”

True to Ranmaru’s word earlier, Tokiya would be walking out with a blanket draped over his shoulder, covering his chest and back. 

A part of Tokiya just wanted to be angry. 

Another part of Tokiya wanted to go back to last night, cuddling with Ranmaru and just _talking_. Not snapping, or yelling. 

Tokiya wished that he could be selfishly happy that he wasn’t going to his death. That Ranmaru ignored him to the lengths that he did to keep Tokiya alive. 

Tokiya’s leader face would return the moment he had seen his team, preparing, and it’s almost enough to keep his team from being alarmed at his disheveled appearance, and of Ranmaru at his side. 

“A few changes. I’m… sorry to say that I will not be joining you on today’s mission. Agent Jinguji- you’re also dismissed from this mission, effect immediately.” Ren’s face would remain steady, but he’d give Tokiya a long look, but when Tokiya meets it, he would leave. Tokiya would return his attention to his team. “If you stick to the plan, the lessened numbers shouldn’t affect anything. From this moment, I’m transferring command to Agent Shintaru. Good luck, agents.” 

Tokiya would leave, his posture still stiff. Ranmaru would take control of their course as soon as they’re out of sight, leading Tokiya back to Ranmaru’s room, where Ren was waiting inside. Ren’s expression is hurt- and he speaks as soon as Tokiya is in the room. “Did you dismiss me because you weren’t going, or was that your plan from the start?”

“Don’t sound so mad.” Tokiya’s voice is dry and sarcastic. “I saved you from a suicide mission.”

“Answer the question, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is sharp. 

“You were never goin’ on the mission.” Ranmaru would say quietly. Ren’s lips would press together in a thin line. 

“You really were planning to go, alone, to kill yourself.” Ren’s voice is quiet, too, but it’s angry. 

“At this point, what does it matter?” Tokiya’s hand would raise, raising Ranmaru’s as well. “Neither of us are leaving. Ranmaru has made sure of that.”

Ren would sigh as Tokiya’s hand would drop back to his side. Tokiya would look at Ranmaru, and his voice is still annoyed. “They’re gone. Will you unlock these?” 

“I already told you they’re not comin’ off until the mission’s over.”

“Bold of you to assume that I wouldn’t just bring you on the mission.” Tokiya’s eyes would narrow. 

“You’re shirtless. And besides. It wasn’t the mission itself I cared about, and I doubt you’d blow yourself up if I was attached to you.”

“Then I’d like to go back to my room and get that bottle of alcohol you took from me.”

“That’s gone.” 

“Well I have another.” Tokiya would move to leave, fully planning to drag Ranmaru with him, but Ranmaru would pull him back, catching him and holding him. Tokiya would scowl. 

“We need ‘t talk, and I want you sober for it.”

“What?” Tokiya’s voice is dry. “We need to talk about how much better both of you are?”

“What _are_ you talking about?” Ren’s expression is a careful bewilderment. Ranmaru would let go of Tokiya, but would pull him towards the couch. Ren would follow. 

“Toki’s mad that we hover over him on missions. Says he thinks it’s because we don’t want him messing anything up.”

“That’s absolutely not why we stay close to you.” Ren would frown. “Is that really what you think?”

“Of course it is. Whether I’m a decent field agent or not has still yet to be discovered because I never have a chance to prove myself- one way or the other. And then I finally get a chance to prove myself, and Ranmaru handcuffs me to himself.”

“This one’s different.” Ranmaru grumbles. “I’m stopping you from dying. If you would’a told us how much it bothered you, we’d give you more space during missions.”

“But we’re worried about _you_. It isn’t that we don’t think you _can_ do it, or that you would mess anything up- we just don’t want to see you get hurt. Even talented agents can get hurt on the field.”

“Now.” Ranmaru would give Tokiya a hard look. “You’re obviously usin’ anger as your defense right now. I want you ‘t calm down and just talk.”

“You keep telling me to do that, but I am talking. I’m saying what I mean. I don’t know why you think I’m not angry, because I am.” Tokiya would snap, and Ranmaru would just give him an even look. Tokiya’s voice gets an edge of desperation to it, and he’s almost clinging to the anger. “Stop giving me that look.”

“You’re upset.” Ren would say quietly. “And that’s perfectly valid. But we aren’t going to get through to you if you keep trying to rile us up, too.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.” The venom is weaker. The tears that Tokiya has pushed off until this point are once again trying to come forward, but he doesn’t want to let them. “I’m just angry.” Tokiya’s jaw would set, and he’d turn his head, not looking at either of them. “I want to be done with this conversation. I want to sleep until the mission is over, and then I want to go back to my room.”

Ranmaru and Ren would get quiet, until Ranmaru would finally sigh, standing up. Tokiya would stand up as well, and when he heads to the bed, Ranmaru follows. Tokiya would turn to his side, holding his arm awkwardly behind him, keeping Ranmaru’s by Ranmaru’s side. He could have let Ranmaru put his arm around his waist- but he wasn’t willing to right now. 

Tokiya didn’t really want to fight- but Ranmaru was right. Tokiya was using it as a defense mechanism, but he wasn’t willing to admit that Ranmaru was right. 

Ren would have stayed on the couch. 

When the mission is over, Ranmaru would have stuck to his word and would have unlocked the handcuffs. Tokiya would have stuck to his, and would have headed to his room. 

The next mission that all three of them would go on is a few weeks later. Tokiya had been very distant- to the point where Tokiya wasn’t even sure if he was still in the relationship. Ren had seemed too formal and Ranmaru had seemed too quiet, when they had spoken before the mission. 

On the actual mission, Tokiya was left alone. They didn’t hover over him at all. Tokiya had been left alone to complete his end of the mission, and while he would never admit it- it almost made him nervous. The nerves had made him question himself- if he couldn’t handle himself without Ren or Ranmaru’s support, maybe he really _wasn’t_ a capable agent. He wasn’t checked on, verbally or physically. He had gotten exactly what he asked for. 

Which made it worse, when he had been caught. He had made it out without being captured, but not uninjured. He had a large gash across his back from where the enemy had gotten him with their knife, and had twisted his ankle, making his way out of the room- in the least dignified way possible. They had been in an area with a trash chute, and Tokiya had frozen up on killing the man, making escape his only option, and without going through the man, it was through the trash chute. He had gotten his part of the mission done, at least, but had spent the last ten minutes of it, on the floor of the garbage room, trying to recover. 

When he had been called back to the rendezvous point, his focus had been on hiding the fact that he _had_ messed up. 

He had never been injured on a mission before. He was more of a liability without a babysitter, and that made him hate himself. So he had walked outside normally, and had sat down, as casually as he could without getting blood on the seat. 

“You smell like shit.” Ranmaru would mutter, eying him almost suspiciously. 

“I had to make a quick escape down a trash chute. I’d rather not speak about it.” Tokiya’s answer is short, mostly from pain. 

“We didn’t leave you too cold turkey, did we?” Ren would ask, his voice almost soft. 

“I’m fine.” Tokiya would say, his voice almost dismissive. It would get both of their attention. 

“That wasn’t what I asked.” Ren would say, almost peering around Ranmaru. Ranmaru had gotten stuck in the middle of the van, Ren on the other side. Ranmaru’s watching him with narrowed eyes. 

“You’re far too suspicious.” Tokiya would say quietly, trying to keep his face clear of any emotion. “Everything went fine.” 

“‘Cept for the trash chute.” Ranmaru would say flatly. 

“Forget I mentioned that.” Tokiya would say tiredly. “I got my part done. That’s all that matters.” 

They would fall quiet until they stopped, and Tokiya would get out quickly. He makes it almost to his room before he starts limping, and he’d stop, sighing, when he was behind his closed door. He’d strip, to get into the shower, but he’d wince when he feels the blood on his clothes, and the pain from taking off his shirt. He’d throw the clothes in the trash, ruined by the smell of garbage and all of the blood. He’d go turn on the shower, looking at his back in the mirror. It seemed deep, but Tokiya hoped it looked worse than it was, because he didn’t have many options. 

It went from the back of his shoulder to below his ribcage, all the way across his back, but it wasn’t something he could bandage himself, and if he went to the infirmary he’d have to explain exactly how it happened, which would get back to the team that he was hurt. That brought his options to hoping that it would heal itself. It would probably leave a nasty scar. Tokiya couldn’t tell if it needed stitches, but he hoped that it didn’t. His ankle, at least, was more straightforward. Some ice and some rest should take care of that. 

He can’t imagine hiding this, if he hadn’t distanced himself to his own room before it had happened. Tokiya would give himself a dry, humorless smile in the mirror. If this wound didn’t kill him, it would be a hell of a story. 

If Ranmaru, or Ren, didn’t find out and kill him themselves. 

Even in their possibly separated state, Tokiya could only imagine how angry they’d still be to see him disregard this- but he didn’t want to admit that the first mission they had left him alone on was the first mission that he had gotten hurt. It was embarrassing, for starters. 

That, and Tokiya didn’t want to worry them. 

He never wanted to worry them, but now he felt like he didn’t have the right to. Not after avoiding them, messing up on the mission, and running, just now. Not when their last real conversation was Tokiya being angry with them. 

Tokiya’s bed felt too big, and too empty. He wanted to apologize, and to sleep in between them, lying on Ranmaru and wrapped in Ren’s arms. He didn’t want to feel so alone. 

But he couldn’t show that to them, because he was supposed to be stronger than that. He had made his bed, and he would just have to sleep in it. 

Tokiya’s cry would come out strangled when he had walked in the shower and the warm water would have run over his back. He would stay under the spray, because he needed to clean the wound, but it hurt worse than actually receiving the cut. He was beginning to have doubts about his already skeptical hope that it would heal by itself. If it weren’t as bad as it looked, it shouldn’t hurt this much. 

Tokiya would have liked to stay in the shower longer, but his ankle had been complaining since he had stepped in the door, and he’d give up, turning off the water and drying himself carefully. For now, he’d leave off his shirt, moving to his freezer to grab an ice pack. They were the type he usually used for headaches, but today it would be to help his ankle. He’d lie it on one arm of the couch, and he’d lie down on his stomach, resting his ankle on the ice pack. He’d turn on the TV, quietly, and he’d just watch TV until he had fallen asleep. He’d be woken up by a knock to the door, and he’d groan. 

He would manage to get himself up, hobbling to the door, and he’d open it just a crack. Ranmaru would raise an eyebrow, but other than a slightly suspicious look, wouldn’t address Tokiya’s disheveled state. 

“Y’missed the mission recap. Wanted ‘t stop by to catch you up.”

“If it’s going to take some time, give me a moment. I’d like to put on a shirt.” Tokiya would say, almost closing the door. He’s fast enough to grab a shirt and turn around before Ranmaru would have made his way in. 

He’s grumbling. “Not like it’s nothin’ I haven’t seen before.” Ranmaru would have closed the door behind him, and Tokiya manages to slip his shirt on without a wince. Ranmaru’s eyes would move to the couch, but would narrow at the ice pack. “So where’d ya hurt yourself?”

“It was just a headache.” Tokiya would say defensively. 

“Then why’s it on the other side of the couch and not by the pillow?” Ranmaru’s glare turns towards Tokiya. “Don’t fuckin’ lie to me, either.”

Tokiya would sigh, rubbing his face with his hands. “I just sprained my ankle.”

Ranmaru would click his tongue. “I figured. You fell down a fuckin’ garbage chute. It’s not surprising that you got hurt. But I don’t like that you hid it. Are you hiding something else, Tokiya?”

“I’m not.” Tokiya’s jaw would set. 

“You’re gettin’ defensive.”

“And you’re getting off track. This isn’t why you were here.”

Ranmaru would cross his arms, watching Tokiya. “Basically what ‘m here to say is that everything went well. They were happy with what we did, And so long as you’re telling me the truth, and all you got outta this was a hurt ankle- y’did good.”

“Thanks. I’m glad to hear that it went well.”

“Y’should go to the infirmary, just to document the injury.”

“I’d really rather not. I’ll be fine in two days tops.” 

Ranmaru would step closer to Tokiya. Tokiya would keep himself from stepping back. “Why’re you so against it?”

“I don’t feel like walking down to the infirmary. And it’s such a minor injury that it’s hardly even worth documenting. For all they know, I sprained it tripping over the inside of my door.”

Ranmaru would get quiet. Tokiya doesn’t expect him to drop it, but when he does, it’s clear that it’s because he has something else on his mind. “Are we done?” Ranmaru’s voice had dropped. “‘Ve you decided that we’re over?”

Tokiya would get quiet for a long time, and he’d finally speak, not quite looking at Ranmaru. “I don’t know.”

“Well it wasn’t the yes I expected.” Ranmaru would mutter, sighing. “We can’t stay in this in between forever. If you wanna be over- I’m not gonna pretend to be happy about it, but that’s your decision. If you wanna stay together, we need to start fixing this.” 

“Can I have some time?” Tokiya would ask quietly. 

“‘M not gonna say no. But we can’t wait forever.” 

“I know.” Tokiya would lean against the counter, his hands behind him, careful to not let his back touch it. Ranmaru would notice, his eyes narrowing again. He’d walk closer to Tokiya, and Tokiya would back up. His jaw would set when the bottom end of his cut would brush against the counter, his eyes on Ranmaru. 

“What?” Ranmaru is in front of Tokiya. 

Tokiya would glance away, swallowing hard. “It’s just my ankle.” Tokiya would say quietly. “It’s a bit of a pain to stand on.”

Ranmaru seems to believe him, though he clicks his tongue. “Why don’t you head back with me? Ren ‘n I can watch over you for a few days while your ankle heals.” 

“That’s alright. I can handle it.” Tokiya would attempt to reassure. Ranmaru’s tongue would click again. 

“Then I’ll stay over here for a while.”

“Why?” 

Ranmaru’s look is sharp. “Call it consequences. ‘S what happens when you get hurt on a mission.”

Tokiya’s jaw would set. “I realize that I asked to be left alone- but that doesn’t change that it was coincidence that I was hurt. And not even that badly.”

“If your ankle isn’t that bad, then you’re hurt somewhere else.” Ranmaru would reach up, catching Tokiya’s chin, turning his head. “You look like you’re in pain, which means that it’s bad.”

“I just need to go sit down.” Tokiya would mumble, pulling his head back. He lets his limp show, a bit more obviously than he needs to, and he sits on his couch. Tokiya can’t help the wince as he sits. Ranmaru would head over to the couch, and his hand would land on the now warm ice pack, and he’d move to put it back in the freezer, switching it with a new one. He’d take a pillow from the couch, setting it on the coffee table and setting the ice pack on top of it. He’d tap the pillow with his index finger. “Put your leg up here.” 

Tokiya would sigh through his nose, but he would. As he leans into the couch, a look of pain would flash over his face, and Ranmaru would catch it. His eyes would change, focusing on Tokiya’s back, and he’d step towards Tokiya. Tokiya would narrow his eyes, the expression of pain gone, but Ranmaru would ignore him. 

“What are you doing?” Tokiya’s voice would come out sharp and defensive. 

“Lean forward.” 

“What? No.”

Ranmaru would move Tokiya himself. Tokiya would reach out, trying to stop Ranmaru, but would inadvertently help Ranmaru move Tokiya up the couch. Ranmaru would lift Tokiya’s shirt from his back, and Tokiya would lean his head forward, into Ranmaru’s shoulder, his hand gripping Ranmaru’s bicep as he hisses in pain. “You’ve gotta pull away from me. I’m taking off your shirt. Inside’s fuckin’ covered with blood anyways.” Ranmaru sounds upset, his voice strained. Tokiya would, almost hesitantly. “Your ankle’s fucking nothing compared to this. Jesus, Tokiya, why wouldn’t you say anything?”

Tokiya’s jaw would set. “It would heal. I-” Tokiya’s voice would break, but he’d look away from Ranmaru, trying to keep his face closed off, but it’s getting harder. “I felt stupid. Getting hurt on the first mission that I was on my own for. It just hurts, and it looks worse than it is.”

“It’s covering half of your back and it obviously needs stitches. It’s not a scratch, Tokiya, this is serious.” Ranmaru’s hand would land on Tokiya’s lower back, below the cut, as he examines it. There’s a fire in his eyes that Tokiya can’t ignore. The last time he had seen a look like that on Ranmaru’s face had been when Ranmaru had figured out that he was going on a suicide mission. “Will you stop yelling at me?” Ranmaru’s own jaw would set and he’d sigh. “I wish you’d talk to me without getting angry. I’m not looking for excuses. I want to know what you’re thinking.” Ranmaru sounds frustrated. 

Tokiya reacts, trying to move away, but Ranmaru holds him still, and Tokiya finally loses it. He opens his mouth, with every intention to say something angry- to fight Ranmaru, and then every time that he had avoided a break down would come rushing back to him, and Ranmaru would freeze for a few seconds when Tokiya would break down sobbing. It’s not normal crying, either- it’s the hysterical, borderline panic attack type of sobbing that would have him bent over and shaking. It’s then that there’s a soft knock on the door, that would end almost as soon as it had started before the door would open. Ren would hardly even remember to shut the door before he’d be headed to Tokiya, though would freeze for a second himself as he’d take Tokiya in- the large injury on his back and his clearly swollen ankle. Ren would swallow back his feelings to make his way in front of Tokiya, cradling his face. Ranmaru’s hand would move from Tokiya’s back, into his hair. 

It would take quite some time for Tokiya to calm himself down enough to talk, his sobs quieting to cries and hiccups and sniffles. Ranmaru would move to go get tissues, and Ren would take over the job of holding onto Tokiya so that he didn’t lean back onto his wound. “Talk to us, Toki.” There’s an edge to Ren’s voice, but he’s managed to keep his face calm, though he’s clearly worried. 

“I didn’t want to look stupid.” Tokiya’s voice is weak and breaking. “I didn’t want to seem incompetent. I just wanted it to heal so I could pretend like nothing happened.”

“We left you alone too fast and I’m sorry.” Ren says quietly. “But that’s no excuse for not telling anyone that you were hurt.” Ren’s voice turns scolding. “I told you before that even talented agents still get hurt.”

“Why are you here?” Tokiya would ask, a bit weakly. “Ran- I… Ranmaru couldn’t have-” Ranmaru’s face would darken a bit when Tokiya corrects himself. It’s what would have cut Tokiya off, and he’d almost forget his question when he sees Ranmaru’s face and thinks that he seems hurt. Tokiya’s face would fall again, and he’d look down, hiccuping. “I’m sorry- I-” Tokiya would cover his face. “God, I’m such a mess- I-” Tokiya’s face is pained, but it’s still hidden with his hands. “I’ll go to the infirmary.” Tokiya would move to stand, but it’s hard, with Ren in the easiest way to move his leg down. “I’ll just… I’ll go alone.”

Ren would look Tokiya in the eyes, his face extremely serious. “Is that what you want, Tokiya?”

Tokiya can think of quite a few answer. Yes, or if that’s what they want- 

He glances at Ranmaru, and he can almost hear Ranmaru, telling him to just talk to them. 

“No.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whisper. “It’s not.”

He gets two sighs, of relief. He’s almost surprised to hear them. 

“Then things are gonna change.” Ranmaru would say gruffly. “When you get back from the infirmary, I want you back livin’ with us.”

Tokiya would look at Ranmaru’s face seriously, but he’d swallow. “If you’re sure.” 

Ranmaru would sigh. “I wouldn’t tell you if I wasn’t. But we need ‘t get you to the infirmary.”

Tokiya would reach for his shirt, which was draped across the back of the couch, and Ranmaru would stop him. Tokiya would look at him. 

“It’s still irritated from putting the shirt on in the first place. The infirmary’s real close. It’d be better if you just left it off.” Tokiya would go red, and it’s Ren that would speak up. 

“Next time, tell us when it happens, and you won’t _need_ to walk the hallways shirtless. For now, Ran is right. We should head down there.”

Ranmaru is the one that helps Tokiya up, and while his back hurts, it doesn’t inhibit his walking. He does, however, have to lean on Ranmaru because his ankle really did hurt. It was a bit worse than he was making it out to be, though it wasn’t nearly as serious as his back. 

The infirmary gives him stitches, bandages and an ankle brace, and he’d have been released to Ren. Ren is very quiet as they walk back, and Tokiya would get quiet, too, nervous. 

“I’m not playing this game anymore, Toki.” Ren’s voice is almost casual, despite the clear warning. “When you’re hurt, you can’t just keep that to yourself. You hadn’t even _done_ anything for it. Ignoring it entirely isn’t going to heal it.” 

Tokiya wasn’t surprised that Ren was scolding him. 

“There’s plenty to tell you, and there’s plenty I’m sure you don’t want to hear.” Ren would say, his lips pressing together, and he’d sigh. “I’ll let you off easy this time, if you promise to keep talking to us. I appreciated your honesty- even if it came far too late.”

“Would it be uncalled for if I were to ask for a favor?” Tokiya’s voice is almost tired. He’s leaning on Ren fairly heavily, too exhausted to hide his pain or his limp, stiffer now that he’s wearing the brace. 

“That depends on what that favor is.” Ren’s voice is cautious, but it would almost soften when Tokiya drops his head onto Ren’s shoulder. 

“Just for tonight can we pretend like none of this happened? Right now the only thing I want is to lie with you and Ran without any anger, or hard feelings or heartfelt serious discussions or lectures. If they must happen, can we save them for tomorrow? I understand if that’s too much to ask, after everything that’s happened.”

Ren’s hand would move to Tokiya’s waist, holding him just a bit closer. “I think we can arrange that.”

Tokiya would remain quiet, but it isn’t a guilty silence, which is a nice change. Ren wouldn’t speak either, and Tokiya doesn’t mind. Tokiya wonders what Ren was thinking. Tokiya wonders what Ranmaru would think of his request. Ren would head straight for Ranmaru’s apartment, and Tokiya wouldn’t try to head towards his. He still very clearly remembered Ranmaru’s final word on where Tokiya would be staying. 

Ren would open the apartment and Ranmaru would look up from his spot on the couch, watching Tokiya. 

“Why don’t you ask him what you asked me?” Ren would murmur, his lips near Tokiya’s ear. He would press a soft kiss against Tokiya’s jaw, and his hand would land on Tokiya’s lower back with a gentle pressure. Tokiya would make his way to the couch, but would sit down when he’d reach it. He’d lean forward, to press his forehead to Ranmaru’s shoulder, closing his eyes.

“I want to ask a favor of you.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. He’s nervous, but his face is tilted down and his expression is hidden. “If… it’s alright with you- I’d like to spend a night pretending like everything’s okay. I just want to lie down with you and Ren and push off the conversation of how terrible I’ve been to both of you until tomorrow. I just… I want one night like we used to have, if that isn’t too much for me to ask for.”

Ranmaru would be quiet for a few seconds, but Tokiya would feel Ranmaru ruffle his hair. “Sure. We can do that.” Tokiya would sigh, his tense posture relaxing. He’d move so that his cheek pressed against Ranmaru’s shoulder, though his eyes wouldn’t open. 

They had a lot to talk about tomorrow, Tokiya was sure, but he could let himself focus on tonight. 

“I would like to ask one thing.” Tokiya would say quietly, holding onto Ranmaru’s hand with both of his. “I’m not expecting a fix-all because I know that’s not how relationships work- but I-” His hand would grip Ranmaru’s instinctively, out of nerves. “Do you think we could fix this? Is it too late?”

“We’re trying, Toki.” Ren would say softly. “But we need _you_ if we’re going to fix this.”

“If it were too late, you wouldn’t be in our apartment right now.” Ranmaru would add. “We can fix this. ‘S long as you can tell me that you want to.”

“I do.” Tokiya would admit. “I have. I- I still don’t know if that’s right of me. It feels like it isn’t.” Tokiya’s voice would drop. “I’m sorry. I know I asked to talk tomorrow but-”

“If you have things you want to say, say them.” Ren would say, though his voice is gentle. Careful. “It’s not going to ruin the night, or make us change our minds. We want to hear what you have to say.”

“I worry that I’m going to be too soft, when I’m honest.” Tokiya blurts out, trying to say it before he changes his mind. “I feel like I need to keep up a front because I don’t want to seem weak. I’m already weaker than both of you- I don’t want to make it even more obvious.”

Ranmaru would click his tongue. “In our business, I get not wantin’ ‘t seem emotional. It can be a weakness, _on the field._”

“But in our relationship, baby, you don’t need to worry about that.” Ren would say, his eyebrows furrowed. “Being honest with us about how you feel is only going to help us. It’s going to help you be less miserable- and when you’re miserable, we’re miserable.”

“Our work is hard, Toki.” Ranmaru would sigh, his hand moving into Tokiya’s hair. “Y’don’t need to make our lives hard, too. Yours especially. We should be making things easier on each other. Lookin’ out for each other. I don’t like it when we’re at each other’s throats, y’know. I don’t _like_ fighting you. You’re a sweet guy, Toki. I like watching you take control, but I like watching you relax, too.”

“And our relationship is a place where you should feel relaxed. We’re behind closed doors with each other. I think we need to work on separation of work and relationship. Because I agree with Ran.” Ren would move closer, sitting on the couch behind Tokiya, and he shifts carefully, to hold Tokiya without hurting him. “I think serious, focused Toki is sexy.” His voice is a purr, his nose nuzzling into the crook of Tokiya’s neck, before his voice would soften. “But I think that’s a good work, Toki. I’d like to see more of the soft and sweet Tokiya. The kind that asked us to hold him, and is telling us about the things that bother him. When you snap at us, it’s so easy to tell that you’re upset. I wish that instead of taking your upset out on us that you’d just let us help you feel better.”

Tokiya would go limp, though it’s a relaxed position. His eyes still haven’t opened, but his grip has loosened on Ranmaru’s hand. 

“I know we’re savin’ this ‘til tomorrow- but will y’at least tell me how you got hurt? It’s been bugging me.” Ranmaru would sigh. “When did it happen?”

“I was found, and I tried to run. I got a knife to the back when I went down the trash chute. I should have killed him- I don’t know why I hesitated. I… I was unsure, I guess, and I paid for it.”

“Unsure?” Ren’s chin would rest carefully on the side of Tokiya’s shoulder without the injury. Tokiya would hesitate, but he’d sigh. 

“I started doubting myself.” He’d admit quietly. “I had been doubting my ability to be alone during the mission from the beginning- and I don’t often fight on missions.”

Ren would sigh, his hand moving onto Tokiya’s hip, squeezing lightly. “So we did leave you alone too quickly. I’m sorry, darling. We’ll be better next time.” Ren would promise. “If you don’t want us hovering over you, we’ll just start pulling back slower.”

“I don’t know anymore.” Tokiya’s tighter grip had returned on Ranmaru’s hand, and Ranmaru would squeeze his hand back. “I want to seem like a capable agent- and I don’t want to keep either of you from doing your job well because you’re babysitting me. But there’s… an undeniable difference, I noticed. It’s nice to have someone watching your back.” His voice has dropped, quiet, would it would turn dry. “Sometimes literally. I’d like to believe I _am_ capable of handling missions alone, but-”

“You don’t have to.” Ren would say, though his voice is just as quiet as Tokiya’s. “We can try to get better at giving you some space- but it wasn’t easy leaving you alone for this last mission. I like knowing that you’re okay. And all of the missions we’ve done together have gone well.” Ren would press a kiss to the side of Tokiya’s neck. 

“Ya aren’t holdin’ us back. We always get it done.” Ranmaru would finish. “We’ll figure it out on our next mission, alright? Why don’t we go lay down. You look exhausted.”

“I took a nap earlier.” Tokiya would mumble. 

Ranmaru would click his tongue. “You don’t sleep well on couches. Y’need some real sleep, in a bed.”

Ren would let go of Tokiya, and would help him stand back up. Ranmaru would follow, though Tokiya wouldn’t let go of Ranmaru’s hand. When they’d get in the bed, Tokiya would be in the middle. He’d finally have let go of Ranmaru, though he’d cling to him, and Ren would get behind him, holding him, though he’s careful to not press against Tokiya’s back. Tokiya would use Ranmaru’s chest as a pillow, his hand on Ranmaru’s stomach, and Ranmaru’s hand resting over Tokiya’s. 

“I didn’t realize how much I missed this.” Tokiya would mumble, though his face is a bit too pink. “It’s lonelier than I thought, sleeping by myself.” 

“Well you’re back now.” Ranmaru would say gruffly. “And you’ve made a huge leap forward. We need ‘t keep improving now. Just no taking steps back. You’re doing good and I’d like to keep it that way.”

Tokiya would be quiet, but his thumb would brush over Ranmaru’s stomach. Tokiya was the only one in the bed not wearing a shirt at the moment, because even Ren had forgone undressing to lie down with Tokiya. Tokiya would close his eyes, and Ren would press a soft kiss to the back of Tokiya’s neck. 

Tokiya would, after a moment, open his eyes, blinking quickly a few times to keep himself awake. Ranmaru would notice, though he seems half asleep himself. “Why’re you fightin’ so hard ‘t stay awake?” 

Tokiya would curl his fingers into Ranmaru’s shirt, and his voice is soft. “Because I want to stay in this moment longer. I’ve already wasted time tonight talking. I want to appreciate what I asked for.”

Ranmaru would click his tongue, but the sound isn’t harsh. “We’ve still got some things to talk about, but this isn’t some sort of last night thing, Tokiya. If you wanna be with us, we wanna be with you. This is gonna be the first night of a lotta nights, Toki.”

“Ran’s right.” Ren would say softly. He still doesn’t press against Tokiya’s back, but Tokiya can feel Ren move closer, his lips against the back of Tokiya’s neck. “And we’re going to have a lot of time together. Don’t stress yourself out about talking to us, because if you need time, we can give it to you. We don’t ask that you’re perfect- we just ask that you _try_. That you talk to us.”

“I’ve got one thing I do wanna say.” Ranmaru would say quietly. “I’m not tryin’ to get a fight outta you, but it’s been bothering me for a month.” Ranmaru would grip Tokiya’s hand, and when Tokiya glances at Ranmaru’s face he can see the serious expression, even in the darkened room. “I don’t want _any_ of the suicide missions. I don’t want you on any mission where there’s a guarantee that someone ain’t making it out. I’m not trying to baby you or invalidate you, I just want you _alive_, Tokiya. I liked forcing you to stay as much as you liked being forced, but I’m not gonna let you. And I don’t want you trying to go behind my back and yell at me and _break up_ with me to try to do something drastic like that. But that doesn’t just go for you. I won’t be takin’ any missions like that, and I’m not gonna let Ren, either. We need to avoid ‘em. I want you safe and healthy and alive, and I’m sure y’can agree with me on that. Maybe not for yourself- but I’m sure you want the same for Ren, and for me.”

“...You’re right.” Tokiya would say quietly. “I wouldn’t have wanted either of you in my place on that mission. ...I didn’t let Ren on that mission as it was. I’m sorry to say that I still can’t agree with the way you kept me.” Tokiya would admit. “But I also shouldn’t have reacted the way that I did and I’m sorry. I’m not sorry for being upset, but the month long temper tantrum I held against you wasn’t called for.”

“I appreciate the apology.” Ranmaru would say, though there’s a very slight hint of amusement. “‘N like I said. Maybe the way I kept you was a little dramatic, but you’re a real fuckin’ force of nature when you wanna be.”

Tokiya would give an amused huff. Ren would sigh against his neck, though it seems good natured. “Do we have an agreement, baby?” Tokiya would close his eyes tightly, breathing out. 

“...Alright. Yes. No more suicide missions. I promise.”


	38. Chapter Thirty-Eight

Tokiya would stand in the wing, already unsure how he’d make it through the show. 

Less than an hour ago he had been handed a water bottle by someone dressed as, and claiming to be, a tech. Tokiya had drank almost a fourth of the bottle before he would have started to realize that it didn’t taste right, and he would have stopped drinking after, going to try to find the tech that had given him the bottle, but the tech seems to have disappeared. 

Tokiya knew that he should have told someone. He was in Joker Trap, so his main costars were Camus, Ren and Ranmaru- two of which were dating Tokiya. Tokiya was fully aware that they weren’t going to be happy with him pushing through this- but what else could he do? It had only been an hour before he was supposed to go on. 

It would have went alright, for the first part. Tokiya’s energy level was a bit lower than it normally was, and when he was in the wing he was being given looks by both Ren and Ranmaru, depending on who was back there with him. It wouldn’t have been long into the play when he and Ranmaru would have been standing near the curtains, and Ranmaru would have grabbed Tokiya’s face, holding it still. Ranmaru would have made a quiet, low noise, mostly to make sure that they had turned his mic off, but when he speaks, it’s low. “What’s goin’ on with you?”

“This is a post-production conversation.” Tokiya’s voice is just as quiet as Ranmaru’s. “I’ll tell you after the stage.”

Ranmaru doesn’t look happy, but Tokiya’s cue line had just been said, and Ranmaru would begrudgingly let go Tokiya as he’d walk on stage.

Tokiya hadn’t been going great, but everything really would have gone downhill when he had gotten into a fight scene. He knew it would go poorly, walking on stage feeling as terrible and nauseous as he did- but in the end he had fumbled, messing up his blocking, and in a quick move to not actually get hit by a punch he was meant to block, he’d get an elbow to the face, barely able to stay on his feet. He wasn’t surprised, but he was livid at himself, for making himself look foolish. He could taste blood inside of his mouth, and he could feel his jaw ache from where he had been hit. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure exactly who had hit him, until he would have went off stage, with Ren and Ranmaru, and Ren would have rushed over to him, carefully cradling the uninjured side of Tokiya’s face. Ren would lean forward, to get a good look at Tokiya’s jaw, and his voice is low enough that only Tokiya can hear him, but there’s a very slight edge of something almost like panic in his voice. “I’m so sorry, baby, are you okay?”

Tokiya’s hand would lift, squeezing Ren’s elbow. “It’s okay- it happens. I’m going to be fine.”

Tokiya’s attention would be drawn away when he sees Ranmaru, speaking in a hushed voice to one of the techs, and when the tech glances over at Tokiya, Tokiya’s eyes would narrow at Ranmaru. Tokiya was worried that Ranmaru was getting him off of the stage- but in the end, no one would speak to Tokiya about it. Ren would have hovered over Tokiya until Ren would have had to go back onstage, and that’s when Tokiya would figure out what Ranmaru had spoken to the tech about. 

The tech Ranmaru had spoken to would have pulled aside one of the extras, explaining to him to go just a bit easier on Tokiya today, and Tokiya would feel conflicted. Rationally, he knows that’s for the best. He was very sore, but he was okay- but if he kept messing up his blocking he could definitely get hurt worse. He was also upset, because they shouldn’t _hold back_. He was onstage so that he didn’t ruin tonight- he didn’t want the audience to suffer from lackluster fighting scenes, either. But Ranmaru wasn’t pulling him off of the stage. Tokiya wouldn’t argue with him, because Tokiya didn’t want to push his luck. 

By the end of the stage, Tokiya was having trouble standing. He had already thrown up, rushing through it during one of his few minute offstage breaks. 

On that specific one, he would have run into Camus, literally, in the wing, but would have pushed past him. He would have been shocked to see that Camus had followed. 

“It’s unlike you to not give your all. Did something happen?”

Tokiya would frown. “I’m giving it as much as I can. I… A strange technician gave me a bottle of water earlier, and I think she had put something strange in it.”

“You were poisoned?”

“Or drugged. I’m not sure.”

“Why wouldn’t you get yourself medical attention, Ichinose?”

“With all due respect.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a bit cold. “I’m going to get my fill and then some of scolding later. I’d just like to finish this show, and then I’ll worry about getting myself together. If anyone here would understand ignoring yourself to get your job done, I’d imagine it would be you.”

“You look terrible, and that’s the reason you’re getting away with speaking to me like that.” Camus’ eyes would narrow. 

“Just please don’t let the others know. I’ll tell them when we’re finished.”

Tokiya would have walked past Camus, to go wait for his next cue. Camus would have watched Tokiya exit.

Tokiya would have went with his blocking in one scene, going to the lower stage from the placed pole, and he would have nearly fallen over, being caught by the back of his jacket at the last second by Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru was incredible at staying in character- and Ren was, too. Tokiya especially noticed when Ren’s face would shift between the curtain and the stage. The way Ren would watch Tokiya from the curtains while Tokiya was onstage. The way Ranmaru would stand just a bit too close to Tokiya- like he was waiting for Tokiya to collapse. Tokiya felt ready to.

The revue was difficult, too, but Tokiya would have managed through it. He would have gotten to wishing the audience off, and would have taken two steps away from the stage before he would have felt himself fall, waking up on the couch in the dressing room with a cool cloth on his forehead. Tokiya feels miserable, and it’s only worsened when he sits up. 

Tokiya would assess himself, but it’s not fun. His entire body was shaking, though his trembling hands were the most noticeable. He was sick, and his body ached, and his jaw felt swollen. Tokiya would have almost made his way to the door, when it would have opened, and Ranmaru would have entered. He would have taken one look at Tokiya, and would have pointed to the couch in the corner of the room, his face stern. “Couch. Now. We’ve got someone coming ‘t check you out, to see if we need to send you to the hospital.”

“Wha-?” Tokiya’s eyebrows would have furrowed, and Ranmaru would have clicked his tongue, gently pushing Tokiya further back into the room, towards the couch. 

“Camus told us about the water. Why wouldn’t you tell us earlier? What if you’d’ve passed out and we had no idea that it was somethin’ really serious like this.”

Tokiya would have been guided back to the couch, though he isn’t fighting against it. He does feel miserable. “I didn’t think you’d let me do the show if you know.”

“You’re right. You wouldn’t ‘a stepped on that stage. You still should’a told me, or Ren. Or Camus- a lot sooner than you did.” Ranmaru would put his hand on Tokiya’s forehead. “You’re burnin’ up. There’s no tellin’ what was in that bottle.”

There would be a soft knock at the door, and Ren would have opened it, just a crack, to look inside. He’d open it completely, seeing the situation, and a first-aid worker would follow him in. Ranmaru would stand. 

“He’s got ‘a fever, ‘n some swelling around his mouth but that’s not a reaction from the water.” Ranmaru would move, over by Ren, to stay out of the worker’s way. She would nod, and she would move to the couch, to ask Tokiya questions. 

“How long ago did you drink the water?”

“Three hours, I think. Maybe closer to four.”

“How are you feeling?”

“Sore. My head hurts. I feel nauseous and dizzy, and a little tired.”

She would pull out a thermometer, hovering it just above Tokiya’s forehead. Tokiya couldn’t imagine that it was perfectly accurate, but he was sure it was good enough. 

“One-oh-one.” The woman would look over Tokiya, checking for any swelling away from his jaw, and pressing on Tokiya’s stomach. It would have made Tokiya feel sick, but there wasn’t pain. When she speaks, she’s also speaking to Ren and Ranmaru. “It’s hard to tell the full extent, because your performance may have worsened your symptoms, but if they don’t get worse than this, you should be alright staying hydrated and getting some rest. How much did you drink, Tokiya?”

“Around a fourth of the bottle.”

“If your fever sticks around, or you start to feel worse, you should get to a hospital. Other than that- you should take a few days off, even if you start feeling better. I wouldn’t recommend doing the show for the next few nights.”

“But-” Tokiya would have moved to sit up, and Ranmaru would have cut him off. 

“Not a problem. I’ll talk ‘t the director.”

Tokiya would have fallen back onto the couch as the woman would have stood up. “Just keep an eye on him.” She would have said, once she had gotten closer to Ren and Ranmaru. “Ice his jaw and watch his fever. He’s probably going to get sick, but as long as it’s not an excessive amount, it should be alright. If any of his symptoms get worse, then you should definitely get him medical attention.”

“Thank you.” Ren sounds genuine. “We’ll be sure to keep an eye on him.”

“You boys are awfully close. I’m sure that he’s in good hands.” She would bow her head, and she would leave the dressing room. Ren would approach the couch, crouch down beside it. 

“Are you mad at me, too?” Tokiya’s voice is tired. A bit weak. Ren would move, sitting on the very edge of the couch to carefully run his fingers along the uninjured side of Tokiya’s cheek. 

“It wasn’t your fault that you were tricked- but it was dangerous, not telling anyone. The show is important, but it isn’t more important than you. But I know that it’s going to be tough on you the next few days, and that you don’t feel well, so I’ll save my lecture.”

“I’m sure I won’t need to take that much time off.” Tokiya would frown, although it would falter when both Ren and Ranmaru would give him a sharp look. 

“You’re takin’ a few days off. Maybe it could’a been less, if you would’ve told us earlier.”

Tokiya would sigh, staying quiet. “Come on. Let me help you up. We should get home.” Ren would stand, helping Tokiya stand, though Tokiya ends up leaning on Ren. 

Tokiya notices Ren’s attention on the side of Tokiya’s face, and Tokiya would frown. “It barely hurts. I hope you know that this was entirely my fault that you hit me.”

“I know it wasn’t intentional- on either side. But it still doesn’t feel good that I hurt you. Accident or not.”

“I know I’ve said this earlier, but it happens. It would be a completely different story had you _meant_ to hit me. But getting hurt sometimes in stage fights is something that’s bound to happen.”

“Could’a been avoided if you would’ve just told us something was up.” Ranmaru would grumble. “Y’almost ate shit getting off ‘a the pole.”

Tokiya would have gotten quiet for a long moment, and he would have sighed. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I just wanted to finish the show. The fans deserve the show they worked and paid to see.”

“There aren’t gonna be anymore shows if you don’t take care of yourself, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is scolding. 

“Your professionalism is admiral, but it’s not worth killing yourself over.”

“No more fightin’ about this.” They were leaving out the back exit, to the car that would take them to their apartment. “We can talk more when you’re feelin’ better, alright?”

“Alright.” Tokiya would let Ren help him into the car, and Ren would climb in next. Tokiya would lean against Ren’s shoulder. 

“For the next few days-” Ren’s voice is gentle. “Do the fans, and us, a favor, and pay attention to you, my love.” 

Tokiya would stay quiet, closing his eyes. He would have ended up falling asleep, being gently woken up by Ren, his mouth near Tokiya’s ear, speaking lowly. “I’m sorry, baby, but you’re going to have to walk inside. There’s cameras outside of the building.”

Tokiya would have rubbed his eyes, swallowing hard but nodding. Sometimes he wishes that they didn’t have to hide their relationship. Like now. Normally, in the instances that Ren picked him up, Tokiya would get flustered and insistent that Ren shouldn’t- but right now, Tokiya wishes that he could just be carried up to their apartment. He was tired, and sick. He wouldn’t have gotten very far out of the car when he’d have to rush over to throw up near the side of the building. Ren and Ranmaru would have stood over him, blocking him from the people outside of the apartment building, trying to take pictures. 

When Tokiya was done throwing up, Ren would help support him upstairs. Tokiya would make it inside of the apartment, and would have to be stopped on his beeline to the couch, though Ranmaru would have picked him up to take him to the bedroom. Ranmaru would have set Tokiya down. “I’m gonna- nevermind.” Ren would have walked in, while Ranmaru was talking, holding a water bottle. Tokiya is exhausted, but he would have given a small smile. Ren would have sat down beside Tokiya, to try to get him to drink, though Tokiya would have been careful about it. 

He was nervous. It wasn’t, at all, because he thought Ren had done anything- but he felt so terrible that he was afraid to do anything to make himself feel worse. But the water tasted fine, and Tokiya hadn’t realized how dehydrated he was getting. Ren would have slowed him down after downing most of the bottle, making him wait a moment before finishing it off. Ranmaru would have brought a second bottle, but would have set it on the nightstand, bringing a bagged trash can as he does. Ren would help Tokiya to the edge of the bed, helping him out of his costume. 

Tokiya would navigate his way under the blankets before Ren can put him in any other clothes, because he just wants to sleep. He would hear Ranmaru and Ren, speaking quietly further in the room, and he thinks he can hear them changing. “We’ve gotta keep him on the edge. Who’s goin’ in the middle?”

“Can I?” Tokiya can almost imagine Ren glancing over at Tokiya. 

“Course.” It’s less than a moment later when Tokiya feels the bed move, and he doesn’t need to open his eyes to know that it’s Ren. Ren’s hand rests carefully on Tokiya’s hip, trying not to press into his stomach. With Ren’s chest pressed against his back, Tokiya would fall asleep quickly. When he wakes up, it’s to get sick. Ren would have woken up, and he would have sat up to rub Tokiya’s back. When Tokiya is done, he’d force himself to stay sitting, to drink some water from the bottle. Ren would have carefully rested his head on Tokiya’s shoulder, and would have reached around Tokiya to help him open the bottle when Tokiya struggled. Tokiya would have drank at least half of the bottle before he’d settle back in. 

Tokiya would have turned towards Ren when he would have laid down, and he does notice that Ranmaru was awake- watching. 

Ren would have leaned forward, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “You still have a fever.” He’d mumble. 

“Was that you checking?” Tokiya would mumble, his voice tired but amused. “I like it. But I don’t know quite how accurate it is.”

Ren would chuckle, and his hand would ghost over Tokiya’s cheek. “We forgot to ice your cheek.”

“It barely hurts.” Tokiya mumbles. 

“We should still get some ice on it, baby.”

“On it.” Ranmaru would mumble tiredly, pushing himself up. Tokiya wouldn’t try to get back up, just letting Ren hold him. 

“I’m so tired.” Tokiya would sigh. “I just wish I knew _why_. I don’t know what I did.”

“That’s because it wasn’t anything you did, Toki. It isn’t your fault.” Ranmaru would walk back in with a bag of ice. “We’ll ask them to check the cameras when we tell them what happened.”

Tokiya would tense, when he’d feel the ice press against his jaw, cold even through the cloth Ranmaru put over it. Ranmaru would sit on the bed, holding it to Tokiya’s jaw, and when Tokiya’s hand would lift, to hold it himself, Ranmaru would gently swat away his hand. Tokiya would drop his hand, relenting. 

It would take some time, but Tokiya would find himself falling back asleep, with Ranmaru’s free hand gently resting on his side, and Ren’s hand on his hip. 

When Tokiya wakes up, he feels groggy, but he doesn’t get sick again. Ren is still in the bed, in a different position, and Tokiya can’t tell if he shifted or had gotten up. When Tokiya turns his head, to the clock on his dresser, he realizes that the show tonight should already be happening- but Ren was still in bed. 

Tokiya would have reached out to Ren, gently holding onto his arm, waking him up, and Ren would wake up, confused, at first, and then concerned. “Are you okay, baby?” His voice is slurred with sleep, but he would reach out, for Tokiya. 

Tokiya would let Ren pull him closer, “I’m alright.” He’d reassure. “But aren’t you late for the play?”

“Oh.” Ren seems to relax. “Don’t worry about that. Ran went in to talk to the director, and we just pushed off a few shows. Everyone with a ticket will still get to see a show. No one’s going to be disappointed. They’re not cancelled, they’re just moved, okay?”

“I didn’t know they could do that.”

“There isn’t any other show in the theatre for at least a week after we stop running. We had to pull a few strings, but we wanted to do what was best for your health, and for you. You don’t need to beat yourself up for giving yourself time to feel better.”

“It… it does make me feel better.” Tokiya would admit. “Not losing any shows. But I’m surprised you didn’t just replace me.”

“We could never. Joker Trap wouldn’t be the same without you, baby. They’ve got plenty of talented actors, but this is your role.”

“I suppose I should thank Ran, and the director. And you, Ren. Thank you.”

Ren would smile, pressing a light kiss to the tip of Tokiya’s nose. “If it gives you time to heal and peace of mind, it’s worth it.”


	39. Chapter Thirty-Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gay shaming, slurs, injury

Tokiya’s lips would meet Ren’s, in a kiss much longer than they normally would in front of a crowd of people- though today was the one day it was alright. 

Today was the day that Tokiya had promised his life to Ren, and Ren to Tokiya. When they finally pull away, Tokiya would throw his arms around Ren’s neck, pulling him into a tight hug, and Ren would give a bright laugh, hugging Tokiya back. 

“We’re married Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is happy. “It’s official.” 

Tokiya can feel Ren’s smile. They’re both still at the altar, but the crowd is letting them have their moment. “‘Til death do us part, doll.”

They would be pulled away for pictures- most of them professional, and some of them were taken from the distance, from tabloid writers that had managed to sneak it. It didn’t make Tokiya happy- because they had specifically gave orders to keep reporters out, but Tokiya didn’t want to make a scene. And at the end of the day- he could handle some online bullying. It wouldn’t make him love Ren any less.

When the pictures were done with, Tokiya would have held Ren back for a moment, pulling him into a more isolated corner, and he’d just pull Ren into a tight hug. “We’re actually married.” Tokiya would mumble. “You’re mine for the rest of our lives.”

Ren would give a low chuckle, pressing a soft kiss just below Tokiya’s jaw. “And you’re mine, babe. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“Can we just stay here for a minute? The wedding is beautiful, but the silence is nice.”

“We can take as long as you need. I’m sure our guests are already starting to get drunk. They won’t miss us for a few more minutes.”

Ren would give Tokiya a short, soft kiss, and then he would just hold him. They would have been interrupted by a flash, and Tokiya would have buried his head in Ren’s neck, trying to hide his face from the bright light, a spark of annoyance flashing through him. Ren would turn, his back to the cameras, hiding Tokiya, and he’d sigh, his voice dropping. “I’m sorry, my love, but I think that we should head back.”

“Yeah.” Tokiya would frown. “You’re right.”

“After the reception, I’ll have you all to myself.”

As Ren would reluctantly pull away from Tokiya, taking his hand, Tokiya would give a musing sigh. “It’s interesting. The part I cared about the most is the most notoriously boring part- and the part I care about the least is the best part for the guests.” He would squeeze Ren’s hand, trying to ignore the continuous pictures, and the questions being thrown out at them. “But don’t get me wrong. I’m still glad that it’s with you.”

Ren would smile, giving a bright laugh, and lifting Tokiya’s hand to press a kiss to the back of it. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be alone right now.”

“Well- I wouldn’t say _alone_.” 

Ren’s smile would widen. “Not alone.” He’d agree. “But alone together. I want to be around you, and you alone, just as much as I’m sure that you do, too. But there are still going to be some moments that are worth it. I, for one, am excited to feed you cake.”

Tokiya would laugh, rolling his eyes but still smiling. He had nearly forgotten about the people following them by the time they were walking into the reception hall. 

It was a beautiful room. Tokiya and Ren would finally make their place at the head table, still holding hands. 

Dinner was delicious- a perfect mix of spicy and not-so-spicy items. When it had gotten to cutting the cake, Tokiya would have had to watch Ren, feeling almost strange. Tokiya normally loved being the center of attention- but primarily when he was on a stage. Ren would have smiled at him, and it would have eased Tokiya’s nerves. 

They had done it fairly traditional, feeding each other the one bite of cake. 

Ren had acted as if his hand had simply slipped, when he had smeared a good part of the cake on the edge of Tokiya’s lips- but Tokiya said that his hand had slipped, too, when he smeared the cake across Ren’s face, too. 

“I feel like you planned this.” Tokiya would accuse, his voice teasing. He would have grabbed a napkin, but Ren would have taken it, wiping off Tokiya’s mouth with it. 

Tokiya would have taken it back, to wipe the cake off of Ren’s face. “You can’t deny that it was fun.”

Tokiya would laugh. “You’re not wrong.”

“Hey, Toki.” Ren would get a cheeky smile. “I love you.”

Tokiya would shake his head, amused, but his voice is genuine. “I love you, too, Ren.”

The first dance was fun as well. They only had two dances planned.

Tokiya’s mother wasn’t incredibly fond of Tokiya’s sexuality, and she hadn’t actually showed up at his wedding.

It had been brought up to have Ren and his older brother have a dance, and at the end, it was exactly what would have happened. Tokiya had thought it was sweet.

Ren was extremely dramatic, in their individual dance, and Tokiya would let Ren know, when Ren had dipped him. 

“Showing off a bit, aren’t we?” Tokiya would tease, an eyebrow raised. 

“If there’s any day to do it, I’d say that it’s today.” Ren would have lifted Tokiya back up, “It’s our wedding. I’m sure a slightly over dramatic dance isn’t going to scare anyone away.”

As the song would finish, Tokiya would make his own way back to his seat, smiling behind his hand when Ren would have approached his older brother. 

Their dance was far less showy than Ren’s with Tokiya, but it was sweet.

The dance floor would get much more exciting when it was open to everyone else, and while Ren would stay with Tokiya, Tokiya could see the way Ren was eyeing the floor, and Tokiya would give him a fond smile. “You can go dance, Ren. As much as I love having you by my side, it’s your wedding, too. Go have fun.” Tokiya would poke Ren’s side, and Ren’s return smile is just as adoring.

“I’ll be back before you know it.” Ren would promise, kissing Tokiya’s cheek before standing up. Tokiya would wait for a moment, just sitting at the table, before he’d finally stand up, to walk around. 

He would be surprised to hear a woman’s voice from over his shoulder, and he’d turn. 

“I’m surprised that you’re not in a dress.”

She sounds snobbish, and she’s holding a glass of red wine, looking to be already inebriated. At first, Tokiya isn’t even sure who she is, but he thinks he remembers her sitting next to one of Ren’s friends. His mother, maybe? Or girlfriend? Tokiya really couldn’t tell. 

He was a bit too taken aback by her question. 

“I’m perfectly happy with my suit, thank you.” Tokiya’s response is a bit stiff, and she’d look annoyed by his answer. 

“Shouldn’t you be polite to your guests?”

“Not to be rude- but I believe this night is for the newlyweds. If you’re that offended by my attitude, you aren’t required to be here.”

“We brought you a gift, and this is your thanks?”

Tokiya’s voice comes out a bit dry. “We stated specifically that we didn’t need gifts. It’s very kind of you to get us anything, but we stressed that no one should feel obliged. And we’ve given you free food and limitless alcohol, which I see you’ve taken advantage of.”

The woman would huff, shouldering past Tokiya, and he feels the cold feeling on his chest before his brain fully registers what just happened. When he looks down, he notices his suit and most of his dress shirt is covered in red wine. The glass in her hand as she retreats is empty. 

Tokiya is stunned. Despite their arguing, no heads had turned towards them, so he has some type of privacy to take in how most of his outfit was ruined. 

It hurt. Tokiya had actually spent quite a lot of time, choosing what he was going to wear. He had even managed to find a suit that _he_ thought he looked good in. Of course, Ren said that he thought Tokiya looked good, but Ren would tell Tokiya that no matter what Tokiya was wearing. 

Ren had really seemed to like this outfit, though. It was another reason Tokiya really liked it- because he had cheated and showed Ren before the wedding.

_”Ren? Would you come in here a moment?” Tokiya would have called from their shared bedroom, nothing but his head showing through the cracked door. _

_“Hmm?” Ren would have gotten up from his spot on the couch, approaching the door. He would have tilted his head, seeing the red flush on Tokiya’s cheeks. _

_“I… know a bride isn’t supposed to show the groom her dress, but I suppose that because our wedding isn’t quite… conventional, that I can stretch that rule. I’d… like to hear your opinion on my suit.” Tokiya would have turned just a bit more red. _

_“If you’re sure you don’t mind showing me, then of course I’ll give you my opinion.” _

_“You have to be honest.” Tokiya would gently remind, as he’d open the door. _

_Ren’s eyebrows would raise, taking Tokiya in, and he’d look Tokiya up and down for a few second before going in, holding Tokiya by the waist and pulling him into a kiss. “That suit looks incredible on you, doll.” Ren’s voice would turn into a purr. “The only thing that looks better than you in that suit is you out of it.” Ren would have managed to untuck Tokiya’s dress shirt to work his hand onto Tokiya’s lower, bare back. _

_“Well, I can’t walk down the aisle naked, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice sounds amused. “But you mean it? You really like how it looks?”_

_“I’d like you in anything, Toki, but I’m not lying about this. This suit looks _exceptionally_ good on you and I can’t wait to see you walk down the aisle in it. But-” Ren would pull away. “Why are so worried about it?” His hand would move, his thumb stroking Tokiya’s cheek._

_“I-” Tokiya would get red, “I just want to look good for you.” Tokiya would admit. “I want to walk down the aisle and leave you breathless for once.” Tokiya would lean forward, to hide his face in Ren’s shoulder. _

_“Toki, you always leave me breathless. You could show up in anything and I’d still think you were gorgeous.” _

Tokiya would have gone outside, pressing himself to a corner of the building and letting himself cry. He felt silly, crying over it, but it was upsetting. And he knew that Ren wouldn’t think the same way that Tokiya did, but Tokiya still didn’t want to go seek him out, in his stained outfit. 

It wouldn’t have been very long until Ren would have went outside, searching for Tokiya. The first thing Ren would have noticed was that Tokiya was crying, and Ren’s already concerned expression would only become more worried. He’d have walked up to Tokiya, pressing his hand against Tokiya’s cheek. “What’s wrong, baby?”

Tokiya would have begun to full on sob once Ren had approached him, and that’s when Ren would have noticed the stain. “One of the guests poured their wine on me. Oh god, I bet the press probably had a field day with this one.” He’d laugh, almost a bit hysterical. 

Ren looks angry, but he’d calm himself down for Tokiya, moving his other hand up to Tokiya’s cheek to cradle his face. “I’m sorry, Toki.” Ren would move to pull Tokiya closer, but Tokiya would hold out his hands to stop him. 

“It’s still wet. I don’t want to get it on your outfit, too.” Tokiya would rub at his eyes. “I brought a t-shirt. I’ll just… change into that.”

“I have an idea. Come with me.” Ren would take Tokiya’s hand, and Tokiya would watch Ren, but would follow him. Ren would pull him to the side of the building, away from the door, and Ren would begin to unbutton his own suit jacket. 

“What are you doing?” Tokiya hadn’t completely stopped crying, but watching Ren take off his shirt would have put a bewildered expression on his face. 

“I’m going to give you my dress shirt.”

“That’s sweet, Ren, but it’s going to be very obvious that you aren’t wearing a shirt under your jacket, you know.”

Tokiya still would have taken the jacket from Ren when Ren held it out, but Ren would give a soft smile to Tokiya. “I’m sure no one will even notice. And if they do-” Ren would wink at Tokiya, and Tokiya would turn a bit red. “Let them think what they will.” Tokiya would shake his head as Ren begins to take off his dress shirt. Ren would have moved to Tokiya’s side as Tokiya would hand back the jacket and begin to take off his own shirt and jacket. Luckily, the press members inside haven’t seemed to figure out where they had gone, and Tokiya would have been quick about changing, taking Ren’s shirt when Ren offers it. Ren would have held Tokiya’s jacket and shirt while he buttoned up Ren’s shirt, changing only after Tokiya had. Tokiya would have moved, once Ren was changed, to pull him into a kiss. 

“I really don’t deserve you.” Tokiya would mumble against Ren’s lips. 

“I’m pretty great.” Ren would tease. “But I think that’s what I should be saying to you.”

Tokiya would have laughed, and when he pulls back, Ren would wipe Tokiya’s cheek with his thumb, trying to wipe off the last of the tears. 

“We should stop by the bathroom to wipe off your face.”

“I’m realizing now that we could have just changed in the bathroom.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit amused. “I think we took the most difficult route.”

“It was a few minutes to ourselves.” Ren would take Tokiya’s free hand, interlacing their fingers. “I’m going to stick by you for the rest of tonight. You said someone _poured_ their drink on you?”

“It was some woman. I think she was a plus one. She was being rude, and I think I fed into it more than I should have.” Tokiya would frown. 

“Well. I’ll make sure she doesn’t bother you again, baby.”

They would drop Tokiya’s suit off at Tokiya’s chair. 

Tokiya would notice some of the boys watching them. Everyone in STARISH had made it to their wedding, some of them in the actual wedding party. Masato was Ren’s best man, and Otoya was Tokiya’s. Otoya would have immediately said yes when Tokiya had asked, though Masato would have taken a few days before he would have told Ren yes as well. 

Ren hadn’t openly showed it until later that night, but he had been incredibly happy that Masato had ended up agreeing. Ranmaru had been another that Ren had convinced to be in the wedding party as one of the groomsmen, and both of them were pleasantly surprised when he said yes. 

Otoya and Ranmaru seemed to be watching Tokiya the closest, but Ren and Tokiya would have made their way to the bathroom. Ren would fuss over Tokiya, and Tokiya would let him. 

They wouldn’t have stayed away from trouble very long. They would have made it back to the party, heading back to their chairs, when Tokiya would have frozen, stepping forward. 

The woman was standing near the cake, clearly looking for someone. For Tokiya. Ren’s friend had been standing near her, seeming unsure, but she’d brush him off whenever he’d try to get her to move away. 

There was a little boy, clinging to Ren’s friend’s leg. Tokiya is wondering if maybe the woman is his wife. Ren seems almost confused, seeing the situation. 

“This is wrong!” The woman is inebriated, clearly. “Why should faggots like you get to have a nicer wedding than I did?”

Tokiya would have flinched, and her husband seems shocked. “Rio-”

“No.” Rio would snap. “They’re two guys! Everyone here is acting like this is totally normal, and it’s not! It’s not normal! The wedding isn’t normal, their marriage is a joke! You get married, and you have kids. A guy can’t sleep with a guy! That’s wrong! Two _guys_ can’t love each other in the same way that a man and a woman can. This entire thing is bullshit and waste of time.” 

“Maybe we should go-” Ren’s friend would reach for Rio’s arm, but she would have pulled it away. Tokiya can see Syo holding Ranmaru’s arm. Tokiya notices how livid Ranmaru looks. 

Rio would have moved, and she would have pushed the table, knocking off the cake. Tokiya would notice Syo let go of Ranmaru, and he would feel Ren pull Tokiya back, trying to make sure the cake didn’t hit him. Tokiya would be stunned as Ranmaru would have stepped forward. 

“Your kid is here, and you’ve already ruined enough, ‘n that’s the only reason I’m givin’ you a chance ‘t walk out yourself right fuckin’ now.” 

Rio would open her mouth, and her husband would finally step forward, to pull her out. Tokiya sees Otoya step forward, too, but her husband had managed to drag her out. Her kid looks mortified, but he would follow them out. Ren’s arms are still wrapped tightly around Tokiya. Ranmaru, Otoya and Masato would have been the first three to make their way to them. 

Tokiya would see Ren’s brothers get a few of the other STARISH boys to start cleaning up the mess she had made. 

Tokiya could hear the pictures being taken. They had started as soon as Rio had begun to speak. 

Tokiya felt close to panicking. The only reason he was holding himself together as well as he could was Ren, and the knowledge that if he broke down here, he’d have all of the press on him. 

“I want to step outside.” Tokiya would say quietly, his voice shaking. 

“Alright, Toki. We’ll step outside.”

The three boys would have followed Ren and Tokiya out- Otoya being the closest following, and Ranmaru and Masato following, a bit after, both of them seeming almost conflicted in it. 

Ren would have led Tokiya to the spot that they had changed their shirts. 

“Ren what happened to your clothes?” Ranmaru would have asked, after Ren had pulled back from Tokiya. The way the suit had been low cut had made it very obvious that he wasn’t wearing anything under his jacket. 

“Someone poured wine on Toki. I gave him my shirt.” 

“It was her.” Tokiya’s voice was very unsteady now. “The same woman that shoved over our cake.”

That’s where Tokiya would snap, and he’d begin to sob. Otoya would have rubbed his back, and then Ren would have pulled him closer. 

“What do you guys wanna do?” Ranmaru would have watched Ren’s face. 

“If you can’t stay, we can explain it to the others.” Masato would offer quietly. 

“And we’ll make sure nothing else goes wrong if you do want to stay.” Otoya would say, sounding very determined. 

“It’s not much, but I’m sure I could pick up another cake. It wouldn’t be the same- but it would be something.” Masato would frown lightly, but Ren would give the three boys a smile. 

“Thank you.” Ren sounds extremely genuine. “What do you think, baby?” Ren’s voice would have dropped when he spoke to Tokiya, rubbing his back. 

“I don’t know.” Tokiya would admit. “It feels dumb to leave. There was a lot of planning, and I- it’s…” Tokiya would get a bit quieter. “It’s not fair to you, Ren. To let one guest ruin this. You’re so calm. I think I may be overdramatic.”

“Of course you’re not.” Ren would reassure. 

“How long have you been plannin’ this?” Ranmaru would ask. 

Tokiya would glance up at Ren, his face just a bit pink. “It’s been over half a year, right?”

“At least.” Ren would agree. 

“You’re right to be upset.” Otoya would say, his expression seeming genuinely upset for Tokiya. “You both wanted this to be perfect! It isn’t your fault that she was so rude to you.”

“About that.” Ren would say grimly. “Are you okay, Toki?”

“They’re just words.” Tokiya would say quietly. 

Masato would have spoken up. “And you, Ren?”

“I’m mostly worried about Toki. She was really taking it out on him.” Ren would frown, but his expression would change, giving a slight smile to Masato. “But I appreciate your concern. Of course it’s upsetting, but I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?” Tokiya would have pulled away from Ren. There’s a conflicted feeling building in Tokiya. 

Tokiya would see, from the corner of his eyes, Ranmaru leading Otoya and Masato away, to give Tokiya and Ren time to speak. 

“What’s that look for, baby?” Ren would press the back of his finger against Tokiya’s cheek, looking concerned. Tokiya would glance away, a bit ashamed, and his voice would drop. 

“I’m glad that Masato was looking out for you, but I feel like I should have been the one to ask if you were okay. I’ve been married to you for an hour and I feel like I’m already failing.”

Ren’s expression would soften, and he’d lean forward to press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “Don’t feel guilty. You don’t need to. Most of what’s upsetting me is how upset she made you, and seeing someone say anything like that to _my_ husband. I’m so worried about you because I know that when things don’t go to plan that it stresses you out, and I know that, no matter what you say, that you can let people affect you more than you mean to. It’s normal, baby, but you tend to hold it in.” Ren would see Tokiya’s lip tremble, and Ren would pull him into a tight embrace. “I know why it bothers you, and I know why you try to pretend that it doesn’t- but I don’t want you to feel like you need to repress it.”

Tokiya would bury his head into Ren’s shoulder, letting out a sob. His hands would tighten, holding onto Ren’s jacket. It would take him a moment to calm himself down, and he’d sniff. “I’m sorry. I’m crying a lot for our wedding day.”

“It’s been… quite a day.” Ren would say. “Why don’t we save the hard discussions for tomorrow and try to enjoy the rest of tonight?”

“Okay.” Tokiya would agree. “Just… I know she’s gone, but you’ll stay with me, right?” 

“Of course.” Ren would promise. “I won’t leave your side.”

Masato would have kept to his word, when Ren and Tokiya had returned, and he would have excused himself to go buy a cake- his sister choosing to join him. Masato would have bought two decent sized sheet cakes. They were simple white cake, white frosting- but it was cake, and Tokiya and Ren were incredibly grateful. Ren would have tried to pay Masato back- but he would have refused. 

“Will you come on the dance floor with me?” Ren would have offered a hand to Tokiya, and Tokiya would have smiled. 

“I think I can arrange that.”

They would have only stayed on the dance floor for a few songs, but Tokiya had enjoyed watching Ren. 

Ren and Tokiya would have went around, speaking to guests but primarily hanging around their old bandmates, catching up. 

It would have still been over an hour before the end of the reception, and Ren would have seen Tokiya eyeing the bar. Ren would have wrapped an arm around Tokiya’s waist. “If you want a drink, baby, you can have one.”

“Should I? I know this isn’t technically a party I’m hosting but-” 

Ren would chuckle. “I wouldn’t mind a drink myself. And one drink isn’t going to hurt.”

When they would have gone to the bar, Ren would have ordered a drink with a low alcoholic content, but Tokiya would have ended up hesitating, and in the end, would have ended with a jack and coke, getting a strange look from Ren. The bartender would have set the drinks on the bar, and each boy would have grabbed their respective drinks. 

“I’ve never seen you drink a jack and coke.” Ren would comment, watching Tokiya. They would have made their way back to their seats. “What’s wrong?”

“I felt silly, ordering a girl drink.” Tokiya would murmur quietly. 

Ren’s eyebrows would furrow, frowning, and he’d squeeze Tokiya’s hand. “Don’t worry about that. You like what you like. You should force yourself to drink something because you’re trying to save faith. Here. Come with me.” Ren would have stood up, holding Tokiya’s hand, and Ren would have went back to the bar. Ren would have ordered the drink- one that Ren knew Tokiya normally ordered, and he’d have grabbed the glass. The bartender wouldn’t have given him a second glance, moving to help the next guest. When they sat back down, Ren would have moved the jack and coke away, setting the new drink in front of Tokiya. “There. All better.” 

Tokiya would have given Ren a long look, and then he would have smiled, small but adoring. “God, I love you.”

Ren would have leaned forward, kissing Tokiya’s temple. “And I love you, too.”

When the night had ended, Ren would have had to stop Tokiya from beginning to clean the room himself. “Baby, I know you’re trying to be helpful, and it’s very sweet, but we’ve paid workers to do this for us.”

Tokiya would hesitate, but he’d nod, and Ren’s hand would move, under Tokiya’s shirt and onto his lower back, and Ren would have leaned forward, and Tokiya would have caught his smirk. 

“You know what’s next, right?” Ren would have pressed a kiss to the underside of Tokiya’s jaw. “In just a few hours it’s going to be me and you for a week. Let’s just get the gifts home and get ready for our flight.”

“We got an absurd amount of gifts for telling everyone that we didn’t need gifts.”

“I think most of them are from the other boys.” Ren would chuckle, but he’d shake his head. 

“The people that needed to give us a gift the least.”

Ren and Tokiya would have went to move the gifts, though after a moment, Ren would notice that Tokiya had froze, staring at a gift in his hand. Ren would have went over, setting his head on Tokiya’s shoulder and wrapping his arms around Tokiya’s waist. “Who’s that from?”

“My mom.” Tokiya’s voice holds a bit of surprise. “I didn’t think she’d send anything.”

Ren’s hand would rub Tokiya’s stomach. “What’s going through your head, baby?”

“I don’t know. She… I know she didn’t agree with me marrying another man. She was one of those strict moms you see on TV. She ended up pushing me into the idol industry, far too young. I had a lot of times where I just felt like I was a disappointment, and I didn’t have any siblings to make my mess ups better. Ren, you cared more about my entire Hayato situation more than my mom ever did, and you’d known me for less than a year. I’d take you going off on me over… nothing. At least you _cared_. All of that makes me wonder if maybe I should be… insulted? She sent us a gift, but she wouldn’t show up, or directly reach out. I don’t see a letter, so I doubt there’s any direct confirmation that she isn’t angry at my decision to _not_ marry a woman. But I want to view it as her at least trying to tell me that she doesn’t hate me for my choice.”

“She might never change.” Ren would say softly. “But I think you should believe what you want to. I do think that you should be careful, because I don’t want to see you get hurt worse.”

“What do you think, Ren?” Tokiya would set his hand on Ren’s. 

“I don’t know that I should influence your thoughts on this, Toki.”

“I just… I don’t know what to think. Please, Ren. I want to know what you think about it.”

Ren would sigh, “I’m not the right person to ask, baby. Because I want to see you get along with your mom, because I want you to have the chance I can’t. I don’t want to see you hurt by her, but I also want to believe that she sent the gift as an attempt at peace making. Maybe she didn’t come because she _can’t_ change- and maybe she didn’t want to hurt you with that. But I don’t know, either, Toki. She put you in the idol industry so young, and it hurt you. And if she can’t change- there’s no telling if she’d only make everything worse. But maybe she can’t change, or maybe she can, and there’s no telling if she’s trying or not. I can’t tell you what to do, or what to think. The only thing I can do is to be here for you, whether it goes well, it goes poorly, or it doesn’t go anywhere at all.”

Tokiya would nod. “Let’s just finish with the gifts. I can worry about my mom later.” 

Ren would gently squeeze his waist. “Alright.”

They would finish loading the gifts, bringing them home to switch them with their suitcase and calling a car. As they’d wait for it to arrive, Tokiya would wrap his arms around Ren with a playful smile. “Hey Ren.”

Ren’s arms would wrap around Tokiya in return. “Hmm?”

“We’re married.”

Ren would chuckle, but he has a pretty smile on his face, too. “We’re married.”

When they would have gotten to the airport, and would have settled in the waiting area, Tokiya would have looked at his phone. 

There were already pictures and tabloids about his wedding. There were stories about the blowout from the woman, and the destruction of their cake. 

The responses were mixed. 

Some people were sympathetic, and angry _for_ Tokiya and Ren. Some people told them not to let it get them down. 

Others were agreeing with the woman. Telling them that they both could get beautiful women, and that they were wrong to marry each other. Some people accused them of not loving each other and just using this for attention. Some people were talking about how disgusting it would be, for them to sleep together. How sick and wrong it was. How they ignored the reason that a man and a man couldn’t make a child. 

Tokiya didn’t even want kids- but it still bothered him.

He had gotten a lot of support. Likely more support than hate- but the hate was cruel. He would have had a few crude PMs, One asking him if he were going to give Ren something or if he thought Ren would give something to him. One letting him know that he and his husband would be going to hell. Questions asking Tokiya if he were the woman in the relationship. 

Ren would have finally glanced over at Tokiya’s phone, catching one of the nastier comments. 

“Don’t look at that.” Ren would have lowered Tokiya’s phone, but Tokiya would have kept his head tilted down. “Look at me, darling.”

Tokiya would have finally looked at Ren’s face, not quite able to meet his eyes. “Don’t listen to them, my love. People have strong opinions on this sort of thing, but that doesn’t mean that they’re right.” Ren would have glanced up when they would have called for the first class. “We should head up. I would like to talk about this more later, though.” Ren would squeeze Tokiya’s hand, and would help him up. Tokiya is quiet as he heads to board. 

In the first class section, there were only two chairs together in each row, so it would have only been Ren and Tokiya sitting next to each other, Tokiya in the window seat. He normally liked the aisle, but he wasn’t worried about climbing over Ren if he needed to. 

When the plane would have taken off, Tokiya would have held tightly to Ren’s hand, and Ren would have run his thumb across the back of Tokiya’s hand. 

On the flight, they would have spoken softly to each other. 

Tokiya would have found himself falling to sleep, but he would have tried to keep himself up, until Ren would have noticed. “You can sleep baby. I’ll stay up. I promise I’ll wake you up when we land.”

Tokiya would have gone a bit red. He had mentioned, once, to Ren that he was nervous to sleep on planes, because he was worried about not waking up when the plane landed- he had taken too many flights where the same plane would land in multiple destinations and Tokiya was worried about find himself somewhere he didn’t mean to be. 

He knew it was ridiculous, but Ren hadn’t forgotten- and while Ren had teased Tokiya about it, before, he did still take it seriously. 

Tokiya would hesitate, but then he would have moved the arm rest between Ren and himself up and would have leaned on Ren’s shoulder. Ren would have wrapped his arm around Tokiya, and Tokiya would have let himself close his eyes. 

Ren would have woken him up, just before they landed, and Tokiya would have begrudgingly moved, though Ren would have taken his hand again. 

Their honeymoon would have been on a beach, in a beach house they had rented for the week. It was a beautiful area- and one of Ren’s reasonings was that it would be a pretty place for Tokiya to read. Tokiya would have immediately asked Ren just how much reading Ren thought Tokiya would do on their honeymoon, and Ren would have just ruffled his hair. 

When they would have gotten to the beach house, Ren would have set his hand on Tokiya’s shoulder, to pause him, and he would have set the suitcase on the inside of the door, and would have glanced to Tokiya. 

Tokiya would have made an amused noise and would have shaken his head. “Are you really going to lift me? Isn’t that supposed to be through the door of our home?”

“This is close enough. And I am a fan of the classics.”

“I don’t want to ruin the moment.” Tokiya would step closer to Ren, and he’d give him a kiss, trying to soften what he’s about to say next. 

“Tell me.” Ren’s hands would find Tokiya’s waist. 

“You’re… I’m… I’m not the woman in the relationship, am I?”

Ren would look almost bewildered, and then his gaze would soften. “Of course you’re not the woman in the relationship. I dote on you because I like doting on you, baby. Am I really making you feel bad?” Ren looks so genuinely apologetic that Tokiya immediately wants to take it back. He’d cradle Ren’s face, a look of guilt crossing his expression. 

“I’m sorry, Ren. It’s… it’s not your fault. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” He’d lean forward, pressing his lips to Ren’s. “You’re so sweet, Ren. You’re affectionate, and perfect, and everything I could want, and I don’t want you to change. I’m just being insecure. I shouldn’t be bringing this up tonight.”

Ren would lean forward, but his kiss would land on Tokiya’s forehead. “We should talk about this.” He’d say gently. “If you really don’t want to talk about it tonight, we can wait until tomorrow- but we can’t avoid this, okay?”

Tokiya would nod, and he’d wrap his arms around Ren’s neck. 

“Would you rather I not pick you up?” Ren’s voice is soft, but Tokiya would shake his head. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Tokiya would press a kiss to Ren’s neck. “It’s tradition, right?” Tokiya’s voice is lighter, and Ren would smile, squeezing Tokiya lightly. Ren would lift Tokiya up, and Tokiya would hold onto Ren tightly. When Ren walks inside, he’d close the door with his foot. 

“Bedroom?” 

Tokiya would laugh. “Bedroom.” He’d agree. 

The house was nice, though neither of them would get a great look at it. Tokiya would laugh when Ren had fumbled with a door and then found out that it led into a bathroom. 

“You can put me down to open doors, you know?”

“I like holding you.” Ren would smile at Tokiya. “And I opened it, didn’t I?”

Tokiya would have given an amused huff, but he would have found the bedroom. He would have set Tokiya on the bed, climbing onto the bed after him, hovering over him and kissing him. 

Tokiya would have held onto Ren’s shoulders, though his thoughts were wandering, despite how hard he was trying to keep his thoughts straight. 

Ren would have pressed a kiss to Tokiya’s neck, and Tokiya would have gently pressed against Ren’s shoulders to get him to pull back, and Tokiya’s face is full of guilt, tears in his eyes. 

“Toki? What’s wrong?” Ren’s expression is alarmed, and he’d move, off of Tokiya, but pulling Tokiya up to sit up next to him. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s voice would break. “I just… I love you. I know that with all of my heart I adore you, but is-” Tokiya’s lip would tremble. “Is it wrong to sleep with you?”

“What?” Ren’s eyes would widen for a second, and then a few emotions would flash across his face. Surprise. Anger. Sadness. When he reaches for Tokiya, Tokiya would let Ren hold him. “What brought this on? Was it that lady from earlier?”

“It wasn’t just her. There were a lot of comments saying the same thing. Messages, and the like- and I just… I don’t know anymore, Ren. They can’t change my feelings on you, but I’m… confused. And then all of the comments, implying I’m the _woman_ in the relationship, and I just don’t know that they’re wrong.” Tokiya would swallow hard. “I never thought that I would be bothered by something like my own masculinity- but look at me! It’s our honeymoon night, our _wedding_ night, and this entire time I’ve just been upset, and letting you take care of everything- what kind of _man_ am I?”

“I’m not going to force you to sleep with me if you aren’t comfortable with it, but I want to tell you, baby, that it isn’t _wrong_. The entire point of marrying you, and sleeping with you, and living with you is because I love you. To be a bit blunt about it- the largest reasons people seem to have against homosexuality is that it’s unnatural, against religion or because same-gender couples can’t reproduce. And, if you’d like me to, I could dispute all of those. But I think that the more important part is you feeling bad about _yourself_, because you shouldn’t.” Ren’s voice and expression are serious. More serious than he usually is. “I’m incredibly happy with our wedding, because I married you. There were lots of good moments in it, too- but we spent _months_ planning this, Toki. I had it in my head, too, exactly how our wedding was going to go down, you know. A picture perfect day. And I know I didn’t show it- but I was incredibly upset, too. To have someone mistreat you, and speak to you like that? I was pissed. If I wasn’t worried about you, that entire scene would have played out differently.” Ren’s voice is grim. “But I know that you like things to go to plan- and I know it stresses you out when they don’t. And when you add the stress of the wedding itself, and surrounding yourself in a packed hall and dealing with someone like her- you handled that well. And I like taking care of you, baby, because that’s how I know to show how I care about you. I can promise you that there is no ‘woman’ in our relationship. It’s just you and me- and you don’t need to worry about your masculinity, because you’re the sexiest man I know, I know Toki. You’re allowed to show how you feel. That’s not a gender-specific thing.” Ren would press a kiss to the top of Tokiya’s head. “Homosexuality isn’t wrong, and you’re no less of a man, baby. If you want to just cuddle tonight, I’m more than happy to do that. I’m not going to ask you to sleep with me unless you want to sleep with me, too.”

Tokiya would move, on top of Ren, pulling him into a kiss, knocking Ren down in the process. Ren’s hands would find Tokiya’s waist, and Tokiya would hold himself over Ren, pulling back just for a second to press his lips to Ren’s again. “I love you, Ren. I love you so much.”

Ren would give a soft, crooked smile. “I love you, too, Toki. And I’m going to for the rest of our lives.”

Tokiya would have pulled back, his hand moving up, petting through Ren’s hair. “Now that we’re back on track.” Tokiya would have mumbled. “I have more awkward subject matter to bring up.”

Ren would make an amused noise, seeing Tokiya’s face light up, but he’s staring up at Tokiya- which is _incredibly_ distracting. “What’s that, babe?”

Tokiya would sit up, and Ren would move, keeping Tokiya on his lap but sitting up as well. Tokiya would be red. “I want to talk about how we’re going to do this.” Ren’s eyebrows would raise. “This is going to be embarrassing.” 

“I’m sure it won’t be.” Ren would reassure. 

“I’m a virgin.” Tokiya would blurt out, moving to hide his face in Ren’s neck. 

“That’s alright, baby.” Ren is nearly cooing, trying to make Tokiya feel better. “You’re in good hands. I promise.” 

Tokiya would make an amused noise, and he’s certain that Ren can feel him rolling his eyes. “I want to figure out how we should do this.”

“Tell me what you like, baby.” Ren’s voice has turned into a purr. He’d have tilted Tokiya’s head up, leaning forward to nip at Tokiya’s earlobe. Ren’s hands would work their way under Tokiya’s shirt, pressing his hands against Tokiya’s bare skin. He could feel Tokiya shiver when Ren speaks, his voice low and sultry. “Tell me what turns you on, Toki.”

“You.” Tokiya’s answer is so immediate that it would surprise him, but he hears Ren’s laugh near his ear. 

“That’s an answer I love to hear- but that wasn’t quite what I meant.”

Tokiya would go red, his hands gripping lightly onto Ren’s shoulders. “What are _you_ into?”

Ren would give a teasing, over dramatic sigh, nipping at Tokiya’s earlobe again, and letting out a low hum. “I just want to make you feel good.”

“That’s not an answer.” 

“You’ve been avoiding giving me answers, too, you know.” Ren’s voice is a bit teasing. 

“This should be about both of us, though. And you’re more experienced, right?”

“You aren’t wrong, but I’m sticking with my answer, Toki. I get the honor of being your first, and I promise you that this is going to be an amazing experience for me, just being with you. But if you really want to know what I’m into,” Ren would lean forward, to press a kiss to Tokiya’s throat. “I have a bit of an oral fixation.”

“Do you mean receiving?” Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. 

Ren would chuckle. “Receiving is always nice- but I’m just as into giving.” Ren would press another kiss to the column of Tokiya’s throat. 

Tokiya’s breathing is definitely coming heavier. 

“It’s your turn, baby. I know you haven’t had experience- but just tell me what you want to try. If you watch porn, tell me what kind you watch. Or what’s in any of your dirty dreams.” Ren’s smirk has turned teasing, but there’s a lustful undertone to it. 

Tokiya can’t help but press his hips closer to Ren, pressing against Ren’s stomach, and Ren’s chuckle would send another shudder through Tokiya. Tokiya would have to think a second through Ren’s question, but it’s hard, with how turned on Ren has him. Tokiya would go bright red, as he figures out his real answer, but before he can get around it, Ren perks up. “Tell me, baby. I want to know.”

“I- have... “ Tokiya’s blush would creep down his neck and to his shoulders. “Have you heard of the term pillow princess?”

Ren would really perk up now, interested, and he’d tilt his head. “I’m not sure I have.”

“Do I really need to explain it? Maybe I should just change my answer.”

“Don’t be embarrassed. I promise I won’t judge you, Toki.”

“It’s… not perfect.” Tokiya would say quickly. “Because the official term for it, if I’m remembering right, it’s typically a… woman, that is a bit more interesting in receiving than reciprocating.” Tokiya would speak quickly again. “I’m not against reciprocating-”

Ren would cut him off, rubbing his back. “Even if you were- I’d still be more than happy to give you what you want.” Ren would have kissed his nose. 

Tokiya would have sighed, cupping Ren’s face. “You’re too good to me. But I think that I’ve placed a better word for what I’m trying to say and it’s just as embarrassing.”

“There’s no need to be embarrassed.” Ren would remind gently. 

It wouldn’t stop Tokiya from hiding his face in Ren’s shoulder. “I think body worship might be a better term. These both sound terrible.”

“They don’t.” Ren’s arms wrap tighter around Tokiya. “You’re submissive, and I’m entirely alright with that.” Ren’s voice would then drop, turning into a purr. “I’m more than alright taking my time and making you feel appreciated. Worshipping you sounds right up my alley, baby.”

“Jesus, Ren. You really know how to do a guy in. I didn’t even know that nothing but words could make my entire body feel hot.”

Ren would chuckle. “I know we just talked about this- but I still want to remind you that I know how the phrasing sounds- but that there’s nothing wrong with it. I just want to make sure that you don’t feel bad about it.”

“It’s because of the woman comment, right? It’s… I’m not necessarily the biggest fan of the phrase, but it’s… the act. I feel a little hesitant, but I… maybe the reason all of the comments about how wrong this is comes from me, and my thoughts on it- because I don’t really want to top.” Tokiya would admit quietly. “I wanted to be cared for, and for you, my partner, to take control. It doesn’t feel very manly.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that. There are straight men that are bottoms, too, you know. And I’m going to let you know right now that if you’re still uncomfortable going all the way, there are other ways to get off. We only need to go as far as you want to. I just want to be close to you.”

“You’re sweet.” Tokiya mumbles, pulling away to steal a kiss. “You taste sweet, too. It’s probably the cake.”

Ren would laugh, and he’d then kiss Tokiya again. 

“Ren?” Tokiya almost looks a bit nervous. Ren would hum, his thumbs running along Tokiya’s side. “Have you ever slept with another man? I know that’s a strange question, particularly for our honeymoon, but-”

“You want to know if I know what I’m doing. It’s alright. I’ve slept with a guy before, though I’ve never been on the receiving end.” Ren would lean forward to kiss Tokiya’s neck. “But don’t let that make you feel like you have to be on the receiving end, baby. I’m alright with any position. Especially if it’s with you.”

Tokiya would lean forward, setting his head on Ren’s shoulder. “I’m… not sure.” Tokiya would admit. 

“You don’t have to decide now.” Ren would rub Tokiya’s back. “We can figure that out later.” Ren’s voice would turn into a purr. “Honestly- I’m just looking forward to getting my hands on you.”

Tokiya would laugh, holding onto Ren as Ren would flip them over, pressing kisses to Tokiya’s jaw. “You’re the sexiest guy I’ve ever met, Toki.” 

Ren had taken it slowly, checking up on Tokiya throughout. Tokiya would have been nervous, but insistent to keep going, though when they had both finished, Ren would have taken a long moment to just lie next to Tokiya, pressing a kiss to his forehead and giving him a fond smile, stroking Tokiya’s cheek. “Thank you, Toki.”

Tokiya would give a sleepy laugh, holding tightly onto Ren. “I think I should be thanking you.”

Ren would groan, “I have to clean up.”

“I can clean up.” Tokiya would offer, though his voice is still hardly more than a mumble. “You did do most of the work.”

“Nonsense.” Ren would move, sitting up. “It will only take me a minute, and I think you need some rest.”

Tokiya would turn to his back, to watch Ren. “I’m not going to be getting _any_ rest until you’re here with me. Are you sure you don’t want my help?” 

“You just lie there and look pretty.” Ren would kiss Tokiya’s forehead, and would correct himself. “_Handsome_.”

“It’s alright.” Tokiya’s voice is soft, and his smile is small but it’s genuine. “You were right, earlier.” Tokiya would catch Ren’s hand, to press a kiss to his knuckles. “I know you. And I know when you say things like that, you’re trying to show me you care about me. I’m not completely over being uncertain or insecure, especially about this, but I believe _you_, when you tell me that you don’t feel like I’m _wife_. I appreciate all of your efforts- but you don’t need to change anything. How you’ve always been is just perfect.”

Ren’s face would soften, and he’d squeeze Tokiya’s hand. “I’m glad to hear that. If I ever get too much for you, make sure you tell me, though, alright?”

“I will.” Tokiya’s smile is gentle, but Ren would move to clean himself, and then Tokiya, up. Tokiya is much happier when Ren is back in bed with him. 

The honeymoon is calm- and Tokiya does end up getting some reading time in, sitting on the beach, a book in his hands and Ren’s head in his lap. 

They had spent quite a lot of that vacation inside, lying in bed. Ren had started getting himself to wake up before Tokiya, to make breakfast and to bring enough for both of them to eat in bed. 

“You’re sweet, but you know that you can wake me up, right?” Tokiya would shake his head, but his expression is soft. 

Ren would climb into the bed besides Tokiya. “I much prefer eating here with you.”

“We’re going to have to buy new sheets for this place before we leave.” 

“I don’t think that’s because of the food.” Tokiya would give an amused huff at Ren’s smirk. 

They would eat in a comfortable silence, and after Ren had set aside the trash, Tokiya would lean into Ren. “This feels almost too good.” Tokiya would sigh. “I’m sure it’s going to take some time for our relationship honeymoon period to end- should it ever.” Ren would laugh, holding onto Tokiya. It was an out-there statement, but Ren and Tokiya rarely fought, Ren upkept the affection and made sure communication went well, and Tokiya liked to listen to Ren and do small, meaningful things for him whenever he could, and their relationship went well. It had lasted over five years already, and Tokiya was expecting it to last much longer. “But I’m not sure I’m ready for this to end. We’re already down to our last few days. I just… never realized just how nice it was to just spend time together. I haven’t seen another person in a week, and I am completely alright with that.”

Ren would laugh, and it would turn almost a bit sheepish. “I was hoping to bring this up another way, but I haven’t figured anything out yet.” Ren would tighten his grip on Tokiya. “Unfortunately, our plane does leave in a few days- but I wasn’t entirely honest about telling you that I rented this place.” Tokiya would look up at Ren, his eyebrows furrowed, but it would make Ren laugh again. “Don’t give me that look. We didn’t break in. No one else lives here.” Ren’s voice is teasing, but it would turn serious. “The place is ours, baby. This was my brother’s gift to us.” The sheepish look is back. “I know you’re not large on accepting things like this, but he had talked to me beforehand, and this _is_ his property. He had bought it for himself, but hadn’t ever used it, and he’d asked me it would be something we’d enjoy.”

“He didn’t buy it for us.” Tokiya’s voice is cautious. 

“He didn’t buy it for us.” Ren would affirm. “It sounded like he was planning to sell, if I had denied. We aren’t taking anything from him.” 

Tokiya would get quiet for a second, settling more comfortably into Ren’s arms. “Alright.” He’d agree slowly. “So long as he’s not losing anything by giving it to us.”

“He’s not.” Ren would promise, kissing the top of Tokiya’s head. “And we’ll be sure to get plenty of use out of it. To show him we appreciate the gift.” Tokiya can imagine Ren’s smirk. 

Tokiya’s voice would turn playful. “Well. I suppose that is the right thing to do.”

A few days later they would have had to return home, where they would have started again to try to get their life back in order. 

Tokiya would have become the host of a talk show, and Ren would have actually chosen to become a game show host. Tokiya liked Ren’s show, because it was an absolutely ridiculous dating game, but Ren seemed to have a lot of fun doing it. Tokiya’s show was more of a podcast- but he liked it, because he was primarily a book review show, which meant that he got quite a few free books in the mail, to review. 

They used the beach house often. It was a lovely, quiet place to read, and while it was a few hours plane ride away, it wasn’t typically that terrible, especially with their steady incomes. 

When they reached their late thirties, Ren and Tokiya would have discussed the option of adopting a child. 

They had a small, two bedroom house with a large back yard, with a small garden and plenty of free room for a potential child to play- and for their pet, a friendly, german-shepard they had named ‘Rosey’. Tokiya thought it was cheesy- but cute. 

Ren liked the younger children, though Tokiya leaned towards the teenagers. In the end, they had met with children around the ages from nine to twelve, before meeting an eleven year old girl named Kei. 

It would have taken almost a year for them to have actually adopted her, after jumping through the various hoops necessary. She was a very sweet girl, though she was certainly more on the quiet, uncertain side. It had taken at least three or four visits before she had begun speaking to them, and it had taken longer before she had seemed comfortable. She had quickly grown to Ren, though when they had first met, it was clear that his naturally outgoing nature had intimidated her, even as toned down as he had kept it. 

When Kei had first arrived, she had spent most of her time in her room. Ren and Tokiya were careful to continue inviting her to do activities with them but to never force her, and eventually their patience would pay off, when she’d begin to spend more time outside of her room. 

They would slowly but surely begin to fall into a pattern. Tokiya would help her with homework, and Ren had picked up on extra activities- like teaching her the saxophone or showing her tips he’s found with photography. She wasn’t musically inclined, but she still seemed to enjoy learning from Ren. She had, however, really picked up on photography, and both Tokiya and Ren were extremely supportive of it. 

On weekends, they would often go outside. They had a few smaller parks in their neighborhood, and Kei had become friends with some of the neighbor’s kids. After a while, she would even go outside by herself to spend time with her friends, and both men were glad to see her slowly getting out of her shell. 

“Tokiya?” Kei would have looked down, seemingly embarrassed. 

“What’s up?” Tokiya would have set down his book, to pay full attention to her. 

“There’s one boy on the playground that keeps picking on me.” Kei’s head is still hung. “Would- would you go with me?”

Tokiya’s eyebrows would draw in. Concerned. “Of course we will.”

“Thank you.” Her voice stays quiet, and Tokiya would reach out, gently squeezing her shoulder reassuringly. 

“Let me get ready and let Ren know that we’re heading out.” Tokiya would see her nod as he’d stand, and he’d head into the bedroom. Tokiya would have invited Ren to go with them, but he knew that Ren had caught up with friends the night before, and he was still recovering from it in bed. Tokiya would get changed without turning on any lights in the room before he’d finally head towards the bed. Ren was asleep, lying on his stomach, and Tokiya would lay his hand on Ren’s back, leaning forward to press a kiss on a part of Ren’s forehead that wasn’t covered by his hair. “Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is gentle, and Ren would let out a groggy hum, his eyes fluttering open. “Kei and I are heading out to the park. I’ll catch you up on everything later, but I didn’t want you to wake up to us gone.”

“I could come.” Ren would offer, but Tokiya would shake his head, giving Ren a soft smile. 

“You can rest. I know you were out awfully late last night.”

“I know you were, too.” Ren would mumble. “You were waiting for me.”

“But _I_ was significantly more sober.” Tokiya would run his hand through Ren’s hair. “Get some rest. We won’t be gone long.”

“If you’re sure.” Ren would sigh, but his eyes would close. Tokiya would lean down to press one last kiss to Ren’s shoulder and he’d leave the room. Kei still seems uncomfortable, but the two of them would head out. 

“So you said this kid picks on you?” Tokiya would frown.

Kei would nod, still focused on the ground. “He’s just… mean. He showed up last week and he just keeps bullying us.”

“I’ll speak to his parents.” Tokiya remembers the new family that moved in, around two weeks ago, and he thinks he recalls them having two sons. Ren had suggested that they greet the family, but Tokiya had a bad feeling about the mother and Kei wasn’t overly fond of going, so Ren dropped the idea. “And we can get this figured out.”

“Thank you.”

When they had gotten to the park, Kei would have ran forward- and it is nice to see her playing with her friends. Especially compared to how withdrawn she had been before. Tokiya would find his place on a bench, and after a few minutes he sees a boy, perhaps a year younger than Kei, run up to the other kids, a woman trailing behind her. 

Tokiya hadn’t gotten a good look at her before, but his stomach would sink when he does. It was no surprise that he had a bad feeling about her- he _knew_ her. He had heard after the fact that Ren’s friend had dumped the woman, Rio, after the fiasco at their wedding. Tokiya wasn’t sure if that was the reason, or if it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back- but clearly she had gotten remarried and had moved _here_. Tokiya wasn’t sure that talking to her would fix anything. 

Her face would reflect the same recognition, with an added layer of disgust. “Should _you_ really be around children?” She’d sneer. 

“Hello to you, too.” Tokiya would mutter, though his expression would darken. “And I’ve got every right to be here.”

“But don’t you think it’s creepy? A grown man hanging around children.”

“My daughter is here.” Tokiya’s voice is flat. 

The woman’s disgusted face only worsens, “What a terrible thing to subject a child to. Or did you kidnap her?” The woman’s head swivels around. “Where is the poor thing?”

“We didn’t _kidnap_ her.” Tokiya would snap. “We adopted her in the same way anyone adopts a child.”

“Why?” The tone in her voice would make Tokiya’s jaw clench. What right did she have to suggest that they weren’t good parents? What right did she have to try to ruin their wedding, back then? Tokiya couldn’t understand people like her. “People like you shouldn’t raise a child. Especially a little girl! You’re going to ruin her! You couldn’t possibly love a child the way that you should. It’s cruel, to try to raise a little girl with two _men_. She needs a _mother_.”

“I promise you that she is getting all of the love, care and affection that a child needs. If anyone here should have a problem, it should be me.” Tokiya would glance over at Kei, catching Rio’s son in the act of pulling her hair, and Tokiya would stand, his expression far angrier. “Your son is hurting my daughter right now. If you don’t -” Before Tokiya can finish, the woman is off. Tokiya’s hope that she would do the right thing is bashed quickly when she pulls Kei by the arm, and Tokiya is there in an instant. He would grab Rio’s wrist, not tight enough to hurt but enough to get the message across. “You _do not ever_ put your hand on my daughter.”

Rio would snatch back her wrist, and Tokiya wouldn’t hold on, but she would grab her son’s hand and barrel past Tokiya, shoving her shoulder into his chest with enough force to knock him down. When Tokiya would try to catch himself, there’s a large, resounding _crack_ when his hand slips on the wooden plank seperating the grass from the playground’s woodchips. Tokiya would use his free hand to cover his mouth, trying to keep himself from crying out. “Tokiya?” Kei sounds terrified, her voice shaking. Tokiya would move his injured hand against his chest, doing his best to hide the damage. He wasn’t even sure how bad it was- though he knew it was at least fractured. “S-should I go get Ren?” 

Tokiya notices the other children in the park, quiet, scared and watching. He notices a few parents quickly approaching to figure out what happened. 

“I can make it home.” Tokiya can’t manage a smile, but he does keep his voice level. Kei would still do her best to help Tokiya up. On the way back, Tokiya would notice Kei starting to cry. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” Tokiya’s voice is firm. “Ren and I have dealt with that woman before, and she’s just an unpleasant woman.” Tokiya would glance down at her arm. “Are you alright? How hard did she grab you?”

Kei would hold up her arm, and Tokiya notices the already forming bruise, and he’s livid. Even more than he already had been. Hurting Tokiya was one thing- but a _child?_ “It doesn’t hurt that bad.” Kei would rub at her eyes. “I- Tokiya?” Tokiya would turn his head to look at her. “I think she was wrong.” Kei’s voice is quieter. “I think you and Ren are good parents.”

Despite the increasing pain in his wrist, Tokiya would find a smile this time. “Thank you, Kei.” His voice would lighten, and he would use his uninjured hand to lightly tap her upper arm. “You’re a pretty good kid, too.”

Kei would give a tearful laugh, but would run ahead to get the door for Tokiya. Tokiya would move his uninjured hand to his lower forearm, holding onto it tightly. He still hadn’t taken a good look at his hand. “I need to go talk with Ren.” She would nod, and Tokiya would close and lock the door before he would begin to head towards his bedroom, Rosey trotting after him, whining and pressing her nose into his side. “I’m alright girl.” Tokiya would drop his free hand to stroke her head, though she would push past Tokiya into the room, whining and trotting in place, her ears lower on her head. Tokiya would close the door, and he’d pull his hand away from his chest as Rosey would jump on the bed, nudging at Ren.

Tokiya feels sick, looking at his hand, because it was _broken_. The bone was sticking out of the skin. 

Tokiya hadn’t ever broken a bone before. 

Ren would make a tired, questioning noise, but at Rosey’s prodding he would have sat himself up on his elbow, and he’d glance over at Tokiya. It’s still dim in the room, though Tokiya has finally started to let the pain show on his face and in his body language. “Toki? Baby? What’s going on? Did something happen to your wrist?” Ren would have completely sat up, much more awake now. 

“It’s really bad, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is scared and shaking, his eyes fixated on his wrist. 

“Let me see, darling.” Ren’s voice is gentle, and careful, and he’s even more cautious when he walks over, his hand near Tokiya’s elbow to get a closer look at his wrist. “We have to go to the hospital. What happened?”

“It’s a really long story.” Tokiya would swallow hard. “But the short version is that I was pushed, and my hand landed wrong when I fell.” At this point, Ren has let go of Tokiya to get dressed. “We should send Kei to a friend’s house before we leave. I-” Tokiya would glance away, almost pulling in on himself. “Unless you want to just drop me off, and I could take a car back.”

“Do you want me to stay with you, baby?” Ren would have moved back to Tokiya, a serious expression on his face. 

“Honestly?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “I do. But it was a traumatic situation for _me_. I feel bad to leave her to work through it on her own.”

“It will only be a night.” Ren would kiss Tokiya’s forehead. “And if we send her to a friend’s, she’ll still have someone she can talk to.” Ren’s eyebrows would draw in. “And you’re hurt. I’d like to be there with you, anyways. I’m going to go get this figured out with her, and then we’ll head out.”

Ren’s hand would brush Tokiya’s arm as he’d pass him, and Tokiya would sit down on the bed. Rosey would lie down next to him, her head moving into his lap and occasionally pressing into his stomach. He would run his uninjured hand over her side, petting her and trying to keep his focus off of his arm. 

Ren would come back in, only a few moments later. “We have it figured out. We’ll drop her off at her friends house and then you and I will go to the ER.”

Tokiya would nod, and Ren would help him move Rosey so that Tokiya could stand up. “He’ll be alright, girl.” Ren would rub behind her ears, and she would let out a short whine. Kei has already gotten a backpack ready, though Tokiya doesn’t miss the worry in her expression. Ren would ruffle her hair- but Tokiya can see the worry in _Ren’s_ expression, too. “We’re going to get him taken care of. He’s going to be okay.” Kei would nod, albeit a bit hesitantly. 

Ren would have opened the car door for Tokiya while Kei climbed into the backseat, and Ren would have insisted on buckling Tokiya in, too, before he finally would have climbed into the driver’s side. Ren would have gotten out of the car to talk to Kei’s friend’s mom, though he would have been back in the car shortly to finally take Tokiya to the hospital. 

“What _happened_ Toki?”

“Do you remember the woman who knocked over the cake at our wedding?” Tokiya’s voice is dry. “Apparently she lives in this neighborhood with her new husband. I went to the park with Kei because she told me about a boy who kept picking on her and her friends, and it’s that woman’s son. She made a large scene about how two fathers would ruin a child, and then she _grabbed_ Kei and shoved me over when I tried to get her off.”

Ren is silent for a long moment, though Tokiya can tell how angry he is. “There were others at the park, yes?” 

“Yes.”

“Try not to forget who some of them were. I’d like to press charges. I’d like to press them for you and Kei-”

“Alright.” Tokiya would have responded in the pause between Ren’s words. He knew that Ren was going to tell him that Ren wasn’t going to force him to press charges- and maybe Tokiya wouldn’t have, if the woman hadn’t touched Kei. “I… agree. To assault a child…” Tokiya would scowl. “There was a bruise on Kei from where she was grabbed.”

Tokiya can see Ren’s hands tighten on the wheel, and see how tense Ren is. Tokiya would have reached out to try to rub Ren’s arm, but his right arm, the one closest to Ren, is the one with the broken wrist. “That’s entirely unacceptable. But she hurt you, too, Toki. And she _really_ hurt you. That’s a really bad break.”

“It hurts.” Tokiya admits. “And I don’t even think I’ve completely gotten over the shock yet. I’m worried that it’s going to start hurting a lot worse.”

“We’re going to get you fixed up. I’m sure they’ll likely give you some sort of painkiller or recommendation for a break that bad.”

Tokiya would nod, but he’d fall quiet for a long moment, until Ren speaks up again. 

“I’m not sure exactly what kind of scene she made, though I can only imagine.” Ren would frown. “How are you holding up after that?”

“I’m just angry, I think. There were children in the park that she was yelling that in, ours included. If she thinks that we’re the ones _poisoning the youth_, I think she needs to take a long look in the mirror.” Tokiya would come down from his upset, his face going red. “Maybe I’ll think a bit differently when I’m not in pain- but I’m having none of it right now.”

There’s still a lot of strain in Ren’s smile, but there’s a lot of genuine emotion in it, too. “I like seeing this papa bird side of you. I’m not glad that it’s _necessary_, but I’m glad to see that you’re angrier than you are upset. She _is_ wrong. I hope you remember that.” Ren would pause, pulling into a parking spot. “We’re here.”

Tokiya would actually wait for Ren to help him out, not wanting to fumble around with one hand or to accidentally hit his injured one. 

Tokiya would need to get the bone set back in place, to get stitches for the skin that had ripped open, and would then need a cast. The pain medication they had given him would have put him in a type of stupor- he moved slower, and he thought slower. Ren would have had to help him out. 

In the car, Tokiya would have watched Ren. It was nearing eight at night, and Kei wouldn’t be returning until the next evening. The car ride home is quiet, up until they’re nearly back inside. “It’s a lot less gross. But the cast is awkward.”

Ren would chuckle, squeezing Tokiya’s knee before focusing on parking. “Just hang in there, doll. It’ll be off before you know it.”

“I’ve never broken a bone. I cannot believe that my first broken bone happened when I was nearly _forty_.”

“I am extraordinarily pissed off that she broke your wrist.” Ren would sigh, climbing out of the car to go help Tokiya. “But I can’t change that it happened. What I _can_ do is use this opportunity to take care of you.”

“You don’t need to take it too easy on me, Ren. I’m okay.”

“Toki-” Ren would lean in as he’d unbuckling Tokiya, pressing a firm kiss to the center of Tokiya’s forehead. His tone leaves it clear that he won't take opposition, but the smile he's wearing is teasing and adoring. “I am going to baby the hell out of you.”


	40. Chapter Forty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning; this is about an extreme haunted house (ex.Mckamey Manor)  
so it's basically torture, some inappropriate themes. almost everything in this has been documented to allegedly happen in these houses, it's pretty gross, lots of humiliation and bodily functions and the like so be warned

“I don’t like it.” Ranmaru says gruffly, frowning. 

“It’s just a haunted house.” Tokiya rubs the back of his neck, shifting. “It will be fine.”

“It’s _not_ just a haunted house. A regular haunted house doesn’t make you sign a fuckin’ waiver, Toki.”

“It will be fine, Ran.” Tokiya reaches out, rubbing Ranmaru’s arm. “I’ll be fine. I’m sure it’s going to be intense, but they can’t actually hurt me. And I’m not going to be alone.”

One of Tokiya’s old friends had asked Tokiya to do this. Normally, Tokiya wouldn’t have ever even considered going into an extreme haunted house, but his old friend, Michi, had insisted that Tokiya do it with him. Tokiya had agreed, but he was less than a day away from doing it and he was absolutely terrified of doing it. He had already signed his waiver, and he only hoped that most of what they said that they _could_ do, that they didn’t.

“I’ll go with you.” Ranmaru’s offer sounds less like an offer and more like he’s just telling Tokiya. 

“They don’t allow more than two people, darling. And I’m not sure how well you’d take to people touching you. If you were to hit them... “ Tokiya frowns. “Besides. I had to go through a few video call tests before they agreed to let me do this, anyways.” An almost awkward expression crosses Tokiya’s face. “I wasn’t Michi’s first choice, but I was his first friend that passed the tests.”

“That doesn’t make me wanna let you go.”

“Everything will be okay.” Tokiya moves, to cradle Ranmaru’s face in his hands, and to kiss him. “People do this all of the time.”

“Crazy people, Tokiya.”

“Well, I’ve never been the sanest person. And I promise you that this will _not_ become a habit. I only plan to do the one.”

“Can’t ya just stay in with me? Forget about all of this? I’ve heard ‘bout some real messed up stuff happenin’ in these things, Toki, and I don’t want you in those numbers.”

“It’s a very tempting offer, and your concerns are entirely valid, and any other day I’d listen to you and stay home, but I did tell my friend that I would go, and I can’t quit now.”

“Well-”

“I could.” Tokiya sighs. “But I’m not going to.”

The next day, Ranmaru insists on dropping Tokiya off. Michi was already there, waiting for Tokiya, and Ranmaru frowns before Tokiya gets out of the car. “How long is this thing?”

“I’m not sure how long the preparation will take- I know the house could go up to six or seven hours.” 

“_What?_”

“I doubt I’ll make it that long.” Tokiya’s reassurance comes quickly, but Ranmaru gives Tokiya a flat look. 

“That doesn’t make this any better. We could still leave.” Ranmaru waits a second, but sighs when Tokiya’s expression doesn’t change. “Fine. But call me when you’re out, alright?”

“You’ve already driven me here. It’s almost an hour and a half away from the house.”

“I’m gonna grab us a hotel. If ya stay for more than four hours, it’s not even gonna be worth driving back tonight, anyways.”

Tokiya sighs, shaking his head, but he relents. “Alright.”

“If it gets too much, I want you ‘t leave, alright?”

“I will.” Tokiya promises. “I won’t push myself.” Ranmaru raises an eyebrow, and Tokiya backtracks. “...I won’t push myself beyond my limit.”

Ranmaru sighs, but he leans forward, kissing Tokiya. “Be careful, babe.”

“I love you, Ran.” Tokiya mumbles, leaning forward to steal one more kiss before he moves to leave the car. 

“Love you, too.” Ranmaru’s voice is just as low as Tokiya’s, watching Tokiya leave the car. 

Tokiya quickly wonders if he should have just listened to Ranmaru. He could be cuddling with Ranmaru on the couch, watching a horror movie from the safety of his couch and would have gotten a much more comfortable thrill. This is what Tokiya thinks about during the hour they take to make Tokiya and Michi read the liability contract out loud, and reassess that they’re prepared to enter. Not that either of them truly can be prepared for it. 

Michi seems nervous, but excited. Tokiya just feels scared. He had only recently been able to handle haunted houses, let alone one where there was a chance of _death_. He hoped that was just in there to scare them. 

It’s at least two hours until they finally step foot into the actual house. It’s less than a few moments in when they’re already separated, entering a pitch black room and getting dragged. Tokiya can feel his body trembling, but he’s quiet in his fear. He can hear Michi, making various expletives and surprised noises. Tokiya feels plastic, pressing hard against his face, covering his eyes and part of his nose. Tokiya can’t help the startled yelp when he feels a hand slam into the top of his head. He can hear the duct tape before he feels it, as they pull it over his face, covering his eyes. 

“Open your mouth.” A voice snaps. Tokiya doesn’t open his mouth fast enough, and they hit the side of his head again. It’s hard, and it’s painful. They really weren’t pulling punches in hitting him. Tokiya flinches, but opens his mouth. He can feel them shove something in his mouth, some type of latex, or rubber. Tokiya can’t help the humiliated tears that prick his eyes when he realizes that it’s a sex toy. Tokiya is reminded of the fact that there’s a camera on him, documenting this. It was part of the waiver. 

Tokiya gags when they press it further down his throat. He feels a hit land on his cheek, hard enough to turn his head, and he flinches.“Why are you crying?”

They take the toy out of his mouth, to let him speak, but they hit him again when he doesn’t immediately answer, and they ask it again.

“Why are you crying?”

Tokiya’s voice shakes in his answer. “I’m scared.”

The man laughs, leaning over Tokiya. A second later, Tokiya feels something wet on his cheek, and with disgust he realizes that the man spit on him. The man reaches forward, shoving his fingers into Tokiya’s mouth after he flinches from the spit, and he coos at Tokiya. “Aww, is the little boy grossed out? We’re just getting started.” The man pats Tokiya’s cheek, and roughly forces the toy back into Tokiya’s mouth. 

Tokiya is moved again, and they rip the plastic bag off of his head and shove him to the ground. A moment later, his friend is led in, shoved down next to him. Tokiya hears the razor before he sees it, but it’s Michi that they approach with it. Tokiya barely even hears the taunts, too tense to really pay attention. 

He was sure that they wouldn’t _seriously_ hurt him when he had signed up for this- but he was already starting to wonder if they really wouldn’t. He had been in the house for less than ten minutes and he was already considering quitting. 

Tokiya watches, almost shocked, when they actually shave off large chunks of Michi’s hair. He tries to look away, when they take bunches of it from the floor and start to shove it into Michi’s mouth, holding their hand over his mouth to force him to swallow it. Tokiya’s head is turned back, to watch it happen. If he tries to turn his head, he’s met with a hard smack to the back of it. 

It’s worse, when Michi starts gagging. When he throws up, the man in front of him scoops it up from the floor, and forces it back into Michi’s mouth. Tokiya has to bite down on the toy in his mouth, to keep _himself_ from gagging. It was incredibly difficult to remember that he _shouldn’t_ be in any actual danger. It really felt like he was. 

Finally, after that, Tokiya is grabbed by the hair and forced to his feet, pulled into another room. He was so lost already that even if he managed to run- which was technically against the rules - he wouldn’t have actually been able to find his way out. Tokiya is shoved over, and when he turns over to his back, the man takes the toy out of his mouth. Tokiya is in a type of box. Maybe a freezer? Tokiya can’t tell- but he can’t straighten out. He can’t even try to sit up before they’re closing the lid on him. 

Tokiya freezes, and he can feel his hands shake. He really wasn’t a fan of tight spaces. Right as he manages to calm himself down, he realizes that he isn’t alone in the box. He jolts, when he feels something crawling over him. He can’t make out what it is- but he can only imagine that it’s some type of small bug, because there are _so many_ of them. Tokiya finds himself wishing for Ranmaru. Wishing that he hadn’t done this. He had just started and it was already becoming too much. Tokiya could hardly handle a normal haunted house- let alone _hours_ of being humiliated and hit and demeaned and _terrified._

Tokiya isn’t sure how long he’s stuck in the box, curled in on himself, his hands covering his face to keep the bugs off of it. When the box finally opens, he assumes that he’s going to be let out, but he feels a large amount of water pour into the box. It’s freezing cold, and harsh, and most of it lands on his face, making him cough and sputter. And then, to his absolute horror, he feels a different type of liquid hitting him, this one too warm. He doesn’t need to look. The smell of urine is a tell in itself. Tokiya sobs. 

Tokiya had planned to ask to quit, after the box. But getting _peed_ on had given him a sense of something akin to hopelessness, and when he’s drug out of the box, he just goes. 

“Strip. Down to your underwear.”

“What?” Tokiya looks horrified. He knows that he does. He hadn’t expected _this_. Hadn’t he already been degraded enough? He knew the answer. Of course not. He likely wasn’t even an hour into this experience yet. 

Tokiya barely even sees the man take the stun baton from his waist, but he certainly _feels_ it. Even when he’s just tapped with it. “Strip.”

Tokiya is afraid to deny and get shocked worse, so he’d comply, almost numbly. His clothes were wet and gross anyways- but it was still worse, without his last thin layer of protection. They take his clothes.

It’s only a few minutes later when Tokiya finds himself strapped to a table, a woman over him. He trembles, scared, when her hands run over his sides, her fingers digging into his ribs. She moves her hands up, grabbing at Tokiya’s face and pulling at Tokiya’s hair. Tokiya can barely even comprehend exactly what she’s telling him- but he can tell that she’s cooing. It hardly resonates. 

And then, he feels something wet, across his face, and when she brings it down to his shoulder, he can tell it’s blood. Tokiya was an actor. He knew what fake blood felt like, and smelled like, and looked like- this wasn’t it. He didn’t think it was _human_ blood, but he knew that it was possible to get your hands on animal blood. Tokiya feels sick. 

He hasn’t seen, or heard, Michi in quite some time. Tokiya wonders if he’s still here or not. 

Tokiya can feel his face and most of his chest get covered in animal blood. He hasn’t responded to their taunting in a few minutes, almost out of it. Not out of it enough to not feel uncomfortable, unfortunately. 

“Put this in your mouth-” The woman purrs, opening Tokiya’s jaw with one hand and forcing something in his mouth with the other, blood covered one. She holds his mouth closed, and her voice raises, “Eat it!”

Tokiya barely brings himself to, because it’s immediately evident that it’s _rotten_, and it tastes like uncooked meat. But Tokiya is afraid of what they would do if he didn’t eat it- so in the end, he swallows it. He feels ready to throw it back up, but he really doesn’t want to eat that, too. 

When she lets go of Tokiya’s face, Tokiya lets out a tired, desperate sob. “I’m done.” His voice is hoarse. “I can’t-”

“Are you quitting?” It’s a man’s voice. 

“Yes.” Tokiya can’t struggle enough against the straps. It doesn’t help that his body is so tired. 

“Say it.”

“I quit. Please, I can’t.” Tokiya sobs. “I quit.”

“No you’re not.”

Tokiya’s panic soars, being denied. When he opens his mouth again, to beg? To demand? He wasn’t sure- but he’d be cut off by something else being shoved in his mouth. He starts to hyperventilate when he feels whatever is in his mouth start to move. 

They don’t let him spit it out. They make him eat it.

Tokiya didn’t want to be here anymore. 

Tokiya is finally unstrapped from the table, pulled up and shoved into a different chair. He isn’t bound to it, but they press a wooden plank against his throat, keeping his head pinned. 

They cover his eyes with duct tape, and for a long moment, it’s silent. And then he’s doused with water. Tokiya accidentally breathes in some of the constant stream, but they continue pouring it on him, even as he tries to cough the water out. 

Tokiya isn’t sure how long it goes on, but when they finally release him, he ends up slumping off of the chair. He falls to the floor, but he can feel the panic rising in his chest. He feels a foot on the back of his head, and when his face meets the floor, he can _hear_ his nose break. 

That’s what makes him lose it. 

He thinks he hears them order him to lick the floor- either not seeing the blood or not caring, but Tokiya can’t listen. He doesn’t feel the prodding of the foot on his head. He breaks, sobbing, desperately trying to crawl away, to protect himself. He’s trembling on the ground. 

“Please let me leave. I want to leave. Please, please, please.” Tokiya begs in between hysterical sobs. They finally let him- stopping the production. He must have been right. If they’re completely stopping, his friend must have already left. Tokiya flinches away from any hands trying to help him up, choosing to stumble his own way out, following one of the actors. They give him back his ruined clothing, and the bag with his wallet and cellphone and his wedding ring that he had taken off before he entered. He still hasn’t managed to stop crying. He was wet, and cold, and dirty- in pain and feeling sick. He didn’t want to be alone while he waited, but his friend had already left. He hadn’t even waited. 

Tokiya, more than anything, wanted Ranmaru. He’s still going through his breakdown when he calls Ranmaru, standing by where Ranmaru had dropped him off. 

“Toki?” Ranmaru’s voice is already careful. Tokiya doesn’t even respond before Ranmaru speaks again, obviously hearing him crying. “I’m on my way. I’ll be there in ten minutes, babe.”

“Okay.” Tokiya hiccups, his voice breaking on the single word. 

It only takes eight minutes, and Ranmaru gets out of the car to go to Tokiya. 

Tokiya must look a mess. He’s wet, shaking, covered in scrapes, bruises, tears, blood that is a mix of his and who knows who else’s, and his panic attack has yet to end. Ranmaru is careful, when he moves to gently cradle Tokiya’s face, “I should’a never let you do this.” Ranmaru mutters, but Tokiya can see the anger in his expression. If Tokiya hadn’t been far enough away from the actors, Tokiya might be worried that Ranmaru might approach them. 

Tokiya feels like it went way too far- and he had _asked_ to leave and was denied. But in the end, he had signed a waiver. He just wanted to leave. And that’s what he’d tell Ranmaru.

“I don’t want to be here.” Tokiya’s fingers wrap around Ranmaru’s wrist, holding onto him. “I want to leave.”

“We’ll leave.” Ranmaru seems to be led to move when Tokiya talks, and he’d slowly drop his hands, but he wouldn’t let go of Tokiya, leading him to the car with a hand on him at all times. Tokiya hesitates on getting into the car. “What’s wrong?” Ranmaru’s voice is still no more than a mumble. 

“I’m gross. I should have told you to bring a towel.” Tokiya’s laugh is hysterical and humorless. “I can’t even put on my clothes because they’re covered in pee.” Tokiya’s laughs turn into sobs, and Ranmaru pulls him closer. Ranmaru’s grip is much looser than he’d like it to be, but he doesn’t know where Tokiya is hurt. To say that Ranmaru is livid is an understatement. 

“It’s fine, Toki. Here.” Ranmaru lets go of Tokiya to take off his jacket. Tokiya normally would insist that Ranmaru doesn’t give him his jacket, because he doesn’t want to dirty it, but right now, Tokiya just lets Ranmaru help him into the jacket. Ranmaru zips it up. “We need ‘t get you to a hospital.”

Tokiya doesn’t argue with him. He would have nodded, but his face hurts, and while his hysterical sobbing has started to calm, the sniffles hurt. Ranmaru helps him into the car, and gets in on his own side. “Is your friend still here?” Ranmaru seems to be looking for him, but his attention turns quickly to Tokiya when Tokiya lets out a bitter sob. 

“He left. He left earlier than I did and he’s gone.” 

Ranmaru’s face darkens. “Huh.” Ranmaru reaches over, resting his hand on Tokiya’s knee. “We’ll talk about everything later. Let’s just get you medical attention.” Ranmaru starts the car, to start pulling out. His voice drops to a soft murmur. “D’ya want me ‘t turn on the radio? Would it help?”

“Maybe.” Tokiya wipes at his eyes with the heel of his hand, and he realizes that his face hurts. Ranmaru keeps the volume low, but it’s the same album they were listening to on the way- one of Tokiya’s favorites. Tokiya stays quiet, curled in on himself in the passenger seat until Ranmaru’s pulled into the parking lot of the nearest hospital. Tokiya plays with the sleeves of the jacket, looking down, and Ranmaru frowns. 

“I’m sorry, babe, I brought a bag but it’s still at the hotel. I don’t think ‘ve got any other clothes in the car.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Tokiya says quietly. “I can just walk in like this.”

It takes a few hours, but they get Tokiya cleaned off, and set his nose. Most of his other injuries are minor, but Tokiya does get his stomach pumped- admittedly by his own choice. Getting his stomach pumped was incredibly painful, but to get out the rotten, raw meat and whatever bugs he had been forced to eat- as well as the blood that he was sure had gotten into his mouth, he would really rather be safe than sorry. Ranmaru had been able to stay with him for the most part, though he’d have to be alone for the stomach pump, and it would require far too much energy to keep himself from panicking. They do, however, give Tokiya paper scrub pants to wear out. 

There had been very little surprise when the staff had found out that he had gone to the extreme haunted house. Tokiya wonders how often they see people with injuries from there. It was still early enough that they could have driven home, but Ranmaru chose to go back to the hotel and stay there. Even though he’s washed off, he’d squeeze Ranmaru’s bicep, his voice quiet. “I think I want to go take a shower.”

“Yeah, ‘course. There’s a bathtub in here, too, if that’d help.”

It had been far too long since Tokiya had last taken a bath. Now that he was no longer an idol, he usually dealt with a lot less stress. If there was any time for a stress relief, it would definitely be now. Tokiya leans forward, his forehead on Ranmaru’s shoulder. Normally, requests like the one Tokiya was about to make would fluster Tokiya- he had gotten better after marrying Ranmaru, and that, combined with everything he had gone through, would help Tokiya ask. “Would you stay in the bathroom with me? I don’t want to be alone right now.”

“Of course, babe. Let’s grab you some clothes first.” Tokiya reaches forward, holding onto Ranmaru’s waist from behind, pressing himself to Ranmaru’s back. Even with his head turned, there is certainly some pain, and his entire body aches, but the need to be near Ranmaru was stronger. 

“I don’t want to cry anymore, but it feels like I’ve been on the edge of breaking down for the past five hours.”

“I’ve got no idea what you went through, Toki, but you came out, damn near naked, covered in blood with a fuckin’ broken nose. They didn’t even fuckin’ give you anything, or get you medical help themselves, and the hospital made it seem normal. And you said that your clothes were covered in piss?”

“It wasn’t mine.” Tokiya’s response is quick, but he feels Ranmaru tense further. 

“That makes it worse.” Ranmaru’s voice is tight. “...My point was that it’s… wrong. Fucked up. I shouldn’t have ever fuckin’ let you do this, and I’m kicking myself still for not stopping you.”

“You can’t blame yourself.” Tokiya says tiredly. “I saw the waiver. I should have given it a lot more credit, or believability than I had.” Tokiya forces himself to let go. “But I’d never even entertain the idea of doing anything similar again. Honestly- even _you_ wouldn’t be able to get me to consider- not that you would. I’m not sure I’m ever going to be going into another _haunted house_ again after this. And Michi…”

“You’re not friends with him anymore.” Ranmaru answers flatly. “There’s no fuckin’ excuse. I get that it was bad- but to invite you there and just _leave you_? Did he even message you?”

“...He did. He let me know that he was leaving, when he had gotten out. It’s part of the reason I didn’t look for him.”

Ranmaru makes an annoyed noise, and then he sighs, and he squeezes Tokiya’s arm lightly. “Let’s get y’in the bath, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Tokiya agrees softly. “I’m not sure what kind of clothes you brought but-”

Ranmaru gives a light chuckle. “You can wear my clothes to sleep, babe. ‘M pretty sure I just brought you my sweatshirt ‘t sleep in, anyways.” 

“I don’t deserve you.” Tokiya sighs, grabbing onto Ranmaru’s hand and following him further into the room. It’s a bit more difficult to dig in the bag with one hand, but Ranmaru would manage, grabbing sweatpants, underwear, socks and a sweatshirt. Tokiya was pretty sure that all of the clothes were Ranmaru’s, but when it came to their around the house clothes, they shared a drawer and all of the clothes tended to blend together. Ranmaru’s clothes were a bit big on Tokiya, and Tokiya’s clothes were a bit tight on Ranmaru, but not enough to really bother either of them. 

Ranmaru holds the bundle in one arm, and he’d direct Tokiya back to the bathroom. 

“Oi.” Ranmaru stops Tokiya, just after they get into the bathroom. Tokiya turns, his eyebrows furrowing, but Ranmaru just pulls him closer, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “‘M not happy that you’re hurt, and I’ve got a feelin’ it’s gonna be rough, ‘specially these next couple ‘a nights, but I’m fuckin’ relieved you’re here right now.”

Tokiya’s expression softens, and he holds onto Ranmaru. “I love you.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. 

“I love you, too, babe.”

It takes a moment for them to separate, but when they do, Ranmaru sets down the clothes and moves to start the water for Tokiya. 

“Pretty sure this place’s got room service. When you’re done we can order somethin’ for dinner.”

“It feels like it’s been days.” Tokiya sighs. “It’s hard to believe that it’s only a bit past dinner time. I’m… not complaining that we’re staying in the hotel room.” He’d admit. “I don’t think I could handle the drive back right now.”

“Just take some time ‘t relax. The best you can, anyways. ‘M sure you’re sick of hearin’ it, but I’m gonna say it anyways.” Ranmaru sits on the edge of the tub, running his hands over his face. “I should’a never let you do this. I’m glad you’ve got no plans to do it again. And if you’re ever ready to talk about it…”

“I’d tell you now.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “But I don’t think I could handle reliving it yet.”

“Then don’t think about it.” Ranmaru drops his hand to the water, checking the temperature, and Tokiya’s chest constricts. He loves it when Ranmaru is sweet like this. Soft, and domestic. A side that Tokiya saw often, but most other people would never see.”It should be good.” Ranmaru would close the drain, letting the water run. “Where do y’want me?”

Tokiya gives a small smile, the closest to teasing that he can get. “Well, if you’re giving me options.”

“It’s a small tub, Toki. Gonna be a tight fit.”

“If it’s with you, I think I can handle it.”

Ranmaru gives a soft chuckle, pressing another kiss to Tokiya’s forehead as he stands. “Then ‘m gonna need ‘t grab pants. I’ll be right back, okay?”

Tokiya hesitates, but he nods. Ranmaru comes back less than a moment later and tosses the clothes he had gotten onto the counter. He’d stop the water. 

Ranmaru focuses on Tokiya first, before beginning to undress himself. Tokiya’s hand settles on the zipper of the jacket, but he pauses. He’s sure it’s in his mind, but between the sound of the faucet, dripping slowly, and trying to get himself undressed, he smells urine, and he’s worried that it’s _him_. It slows him down, but under Ranmaru’s careful supervision, it doesn’t go unnoticed. Tokiya is seated on the toilet seat, but Ranmaru crouches down in front of him. 

“What’s wrong?”

Tokiya shakes his head, not looking at Ranmaru. He swallows hard, but his hand shakes when he tries to pull down the zipper. Ranmaru catches his hand, still looking at his face, and when Tokiya speaks, his voice is quiet and shaking. “This is probably stupid- but they made me strip in the house.” Tokiya can tell that Ranmaru is trying to stay calm for Tokiya, but that what Tokiya had told him had really pissed him off. “God, he-” Tokiya looks away, and despite how hard he had been trying to fight back his tears, he finds them burning his eyes. “He peed on me, and then made me take off my clothes- and it was… horrible. And I feel like I’m still absolutely disgusting.”

Ranmaru’s arms wrap around Tokiya’s waist, and Tokiya feels Ranmaru press a kiss to the side of Tokiya’s neck. Tokiya can only imagine Ranmaru’s expression right now, and it seems like Ranmaru is purposefully trying to hide his face. “Trust me. You’re not the disgustin’ person here. Y’can take your time. Long as you need.”

Ranmaru finally leans back, just a bit, but he stays crouched. Tokiya forces himself to unzip the jacket, and when he struggles in getting it off, Ranmaru helps, moving slowly. Tokiya hesitates more with his pants, though when he stands, Ranmaru does too. Tokiya gets red. “Will you watch me a little less intently while I take off my pants?”

Ranmaru makes an amused noise, and he pulls Tokiya a bit closer, his hand on Tokiya’s mid-back. “Nothin’ I haven’t seen before. And I’ve gotta admit that I like the view.” Ranmaru’s teasing smirk both softens Tokiya’s expression and deepens the blush on his face. “But I guess I’ll take some pity since you’ve had a hard day.” He presses a very careful kiss to Tokiya’s lips, doing his best to avoid Tokiya’s broken nose, and then lets Tokiya go. When he does, he begins changing. His glances to Tokiya as he gets undressed are much more subtle, but are still frequent. It’s still easier to get undressed with his glances than it had been when Ranmaru’s full attention was directly on Tokiya. 

When they’re both undressed, Ranmaru wraps his arms around Tokiya. “I’ll get in first and you can get in right after, alright?”

Tokiya nods. Ranmaru slowly lets Tokiya go, and he climbs into the bathtub, sitting straight against the back of the tub, his legs spread to the sides. It _was_ going to be a tight fit, but Tokiya would just manage. Tokiya is careful, getting into the tub with Ranmaru, and when he’s got himself into a crouched position, Ranmaru carefully pulls him into his chest. 

Tokiya curls up into Ranmaru, and there are a few things that are difficult. Tokiya flinches, when the water gets close to his face, and not being able to straighten his legs completely in the small tub. Ranmaru made the tub significantly smaller, but Tokiya thinks that without Ranmaru the bath may have been too much. Tokiya curls closer to Ranmaru, his cheek pressed to Ranmaru’s shoulder, and he closes his eyes. “It was hard, Ran.” Tokiya whimpers. “I asked them to stop. I told them I quit and they didn’t let me. I wanted to quit. They didn’t let me until they broke my nose. Oh God, I ate raw meat.” Tokiya’s hand raises, covering his mouth. “They filmed it, Ran. They filmed everything they put me through. I think they’re going to put it online.”

Ranmaru is quiet, but he’s clinging onto Tokiya tightly. They stay quiet for a very long time, long after the water has lost its warmth, and even after they drain the tub, they stay longer than they should. Finally, Tokiya gets out of the tub on unsteady legs, and Ranmaru follows him, making sure that Tokiya is wrapped tightly in the towel before he worries about himself. When they’re both dried and changed, Ranmaru leads Tokiya into the bedroom and they sit on the bed with the paper menu between them.

The hotel wasn’t a five star hotel, but it was fairly nice, and when the food arrived, it was good. They had ordered simple comfort food, and perhaps more than they should have, because Ranmaru insisted on ordering _everything_ Tokiya had been considering. Tokiya had assured Ranmaru that there was no way he’d finish all of the food they’d order, but Ranmaru would have insisted on ordering it anyways. 

Ranmaru spends the night close to Tokiya. When they ate on the bed, Ranmaru ate close enough to him that their legs touched. After dinner, when they’d lay on the bed, Ranmaru wraps his arm around Tokiya’s waist as they scrolled through the channels. 

Ranmaru snorts, looking through it. “We could watch porn.”

“That’s… an option.” Tokiya’s amusement shows through his voice, a small smile on his face as he rests his head against Ranmaru’s chest. “I’ll watch anything, so long as it involves lying here with you.”

“Y’weren’t supposed ‘t go all sweet on me when I asked you ‘t watch porn, Toki.” Ranmaru, despite his words, has a very soft tone in his voice. “I was thinkin’ more of a, ‘seriously?’ kinda reaction.”

“Well, I’m full of surprises. If porn is what your heart desires, I will oblige.”

Ranmaru gives a short laugh, and Tokiya finds himself giving a weak laugh with it. He still felt tired, and traumatized, but having Ranmaru with him really helped. 

In the end, they’d choose a comedy movie that Tokiya wouldn’t end up really watching, too busy just cuddling with Ranmaru until he finally would have fallen asleep. 

The next morning, Ranmaru lets him sleep in until just before they have to leave. When Tokiya stirs, he notices that Ranmaru had already packed everything up and straightened up anything he needed to, the tip lying on the dresser. 

“I’d ‘ve left out clothes, but I figured for the ride back ‘t the house that you’d be fine in what you’re wearin’.” 

Tokiya nods sleepily, humming an agreement. He’s incredibly sore, and he hadn’t slept peacefully through the night. He hadn’t woken Ranmaru up, but he had spent some time awake, unable to fall back asleep for over an hour. Tokiya checks his phone, and he’d tense- enough that it doesn’t escape Ranmaru’s attention. 

“‘S it your friend?” Ranmaru’s voice is cautious. 

“No. It’s the owner of the house. He’s sent me the link to the video.”

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. “Don’t know that it’s a good idea for you ‘t watch that.”

“I don’t think I’m going to. It’s… God. It’s online. That’s…” Tokiya swallows hard. “I know that the point is to be cruel and terrible and to break anyone that enters there- but it doesn’t make it any better that everyone can see my failures.”

“It’s fucked up, Toki. Whether y’signed up for it or not- you got hurt and they fucked you over. Waiver or not, that’s not right.”

“Yeah.” Tokiya’s voice is soft and distant. “It doesn’t matter right now, anyways. I think I’d like to go home.” 

Ranmaru nods, and he slings the bag over one shoulder and his other arm around Tokiya. Ranmaru had already settled the check out procedures, so they would head straight for the car. Ranmaru still opens the passenger door for Tokiya before going to his own side of the car. 

The ride is mostly silent, but it’s largely due to Tokiya falling asleep only about twenty minutes in. He wakes up to Ranmaru carrying him inside. He presses himself tighter to Ranmaru’s chest, clinging onto him, and he feels Ranmaru press a kiss to his forehead. 

“I should wake up.” Tokiya mumbles groggily. 

“Y’don’t have ‘t. We _could_ just lie down and take a nap.” 

“If you lie down with me, I could get behind that.”

“‘Course I will.”

It’s another few hours before Tokiya wakes up for real, but he’d lay in bed for the extra twenty minutes it would take for Ranmaru to wake up. Ranmaru groans, wrapping an arm around Tokiya. 

“What’re we doin’ for food?”

“...If it’s not too much trouble- would you cook? I want to eat your food.”

“‘Course I will.” Ranmaru’s expression is very soft, and Tokiya can tell that he’s flattered by the request. “Any requests?”

Tokiya thinks for a long few seconds. “We could do omelettes and have breakfast for dinner.”

Ranmaru chuckles. “Sounds good. Give me a minute ‘t get myself together enough ‘t get up and I’ll make it.”

Tokiya hums, pressing himself tighter to Ranmaru. It would be another ten minutes before Ranmaru finally disentangles himself from the bed to go move towards the kitchen, and Tokiya follows. It doesn’t take a long time for Ranmaru to cook, though they choose to forgo the table and eat together on the couch, turning on the TV onto a rerun of a show. 

Ranmaru sighs, sometime after they’ve finished eating. “‘M not gonna do it around you- but I’m gonna watch the video they put up.” Tokiya tenses, almost without meaning to. “I need ‘t know what happened. I don’t wanna make you talk about it and I don’t wanna walk around on eggshells. I’m gonna imagine it’s not pretty, and I dunno what is and isn’t gonna affect you. And I mean- these fuckin’ bastards hurt _my_ Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s grip around Tokiya’s waist tightens. “I need to see just how overboard this went.”

After a moment, Tokiya nods. “I- I definitely can’t rewatch it, but I understand why you would want to.”

“I’ll do it later tonight, after you’re asleep.” Ranmaru presses a kiss to Tokiya’s temple. Tokiya sighs, pressing himself closer to Ranmaru. 

Later that night, when Ranmaru gets around to watching the tape- he’s livid. He can’t watch it all of the way through, continuously stopping to try to collect himself before he can continue.

It’s a shame, in his mind, that Tokiya signed the stupid waiver- because there was nothing that Ranmaru could do about it. He thought it was extremely inhumane, even as far as these types of houses were, and Tokiya’s treatment had Ranmaru’s hands trembling in anger. If Ranmaru had been there- he wouldn’t have been there long. He would have been kicked out the minute anyone had put a hand on Tokiya. 

When he gets back into bed, he notices Tokiya’s face change- twisted in fear. 

Ranmaru wishes he had done more to stop Tokiya. He’s positive that there’s going to be quite a lot of time and effort to get Tokiya over this- because even watching it, it felt _real_. Ranmaru can’t even begin to imagine how Tokiya must have felt. 

Ranmaru’s own promise to himself, to make sure nothing like this ever happens again, only strengthens. Especially as he walks to Tokiya, pressing a careful kiss to his temple, a hand rubbing his back, saying Tokiya’s name softly. 

When Tokiya jolts, a whimper escaping him, Ranmaru moves to comfort him. “It’s just a nightmare, babe, you’re alright.”

Tokiya reaches out, to cling to Ranmaru, and when he moves, scooting over in the bed to give Ranmaru room, Ranmaru climbs into the bed. Normally, Ranmaru would exasperatedly tell Tokiya that he didn’t need to move, but Tokiya seemed shaken up and Ranmaru would keep his comment to himself. 

Tokiya doesn’t speak. He just clings onto Ranmaru, and Ranmaru just holds him. Eventually, Ranmaru looks down, and he sees that Tokiya had managed to get himself back to sleep, still holding tightly onto Ranmaru. Ranmaru is careful when he shifts into a more comfortable position, still hovering almost protectively by Tokiya, but he looks at Tokiya with one of the softest expressions he’s worn yet, and the kiss on the top of Tokiya’s hair is very gentle, so he doesn’t wake Tokiya. 

He doesn’t speak, as he officially makes his promise to keep Tokiya safe- even from Tokiya himself. 

It’s almost a year later when Tokiya gets a text message from Michi. It’s an apology, as to how the last house went, but a suggestion to go back to another. 

Tokiya goes to Ranmaru with the message, and Ranmaru reads it over quietly, his face darkening immediately. Even a year later, even with Tokiya managing to almost entirely get over his experience, Ranmaru still thought of the video, more often than he’d like to. 

He watches Tokiya with narrowed eyes, but Tokiya raises his hands, almost in surrender. “I’m not planning to go.” He’d say quickly.

“Good. I wasn’t plannin’ ‘t let ya.”

Tokiya gives a slightly strained smile. “I didn’t think you would.”

“‘M glad you at least came ‘t get me about this.” Ranmaru hands Tokiya back his phone, but then holds tightly onto Tokiya’s hand, squeezing it. “Why don’t we chill on the couch tonight and watch a horror movie? If you’re up for it.”

Tokiya’s smile is much brighter this time, his eyes soft. “That sounds perfect.”

Later that night, while they’re cuddled up against each other, their empty take out plates on the coffee table in front of them, Tokiya hums, contented. “I wish I’d chosen to do this instead last time. I think this was the right choice.” Tokiya tilts his head up, to kiss Ranmaru’s neck. “To be fair- I think spending time with you is _always_ the right choice.”


	41. Chapter Forty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings ; Torture

Tokiya would wake up, scared, disoriented and confused. He’d push himself up, his body sore and his head pounding, squinting in the dim light. The first thing that catches his attention is the man, standing further in the room, watching him. He seems to be an older man, and Tokiya thinks he can hear his heavy breathing from where he is. 

And then, Tokiya’s attention would turn to the other man, leaning against the stone wall in the cold, dingy room, and he immediately recognizes it as Ren. Despite everything, a sense of almost relief washes over Tokiya, seeing Ren, with him and _alive_. Tokiya isn’t tied down, and he wouldn’t hesitate to move forward, towards Ren. Ren looks terrified, his eyes too wide and his face too thin, a gag shoved in his mouth, watching Tokiya. He seems to tense, when Tokiya moves, but before he can move to stop Tokiya, Tokiya is stopped with a foot on his back. The man had stepped forward, and Tokiya feels the cool metal prongs of the taser against his neck for just a few seconds before the man starts it and a blinding pain shoots through Tokiya’s entire body. The man holds it until Tokiya’s convulsing nearly turns into a seizure, and finally pulls back, saying nothing. Tokiya looks up at Ren, and it’s clear that he’s crying. Tokiya wants to console him, but he’s not regained movement yet. 

Tokiya would lie, still on the floor, until the man had finally had his fill and Tokiya hears his footsteps travelling upstairs. 

Ren had been gone for over a month. Tokiya and Ranmaru hadn’t stopped searching for him, but they both knew that the police, most of their friends and Ren’s family didn’t have much hope. 

Just seeing Ren alive was hope. 

Even if Tokiya was now in the same situation. 

When the man had finally left, Tokiya would push himself up on shaking limbs, and he’d make his way, on his hands and knees, to Ren. He would kneel, cupping Ren’s face, almost desperately, and he’d press his forehead to Ren’s. “I’m so sorry, baby. Ran and I have been trying so hard to find you. But we were really close- Ran’s going to find us, I promise.” Ren had started crying, and it was taking a lot for Tokiya to keep from joining him. Instead, he would fall to a sitting position, and he’d hold Ren tightly to himself, one hand brushing itself through Ren’s tangled hair carefully. They would sit like that for a long time, and after a moment, Tokiya would have moved Ren’s gag down, around his neck, and Ren would have just cried into Tokiya’s shoulder. 

When Tokiya hears the door at the top of the stairs open, he would pull Ren away from him, replacing the gag and kissing his forehead. Tokiya would head back to the other side of the room, though not completely. He would sit on his knees, a bit away from the wall. The man would walk down, carrying something. He would point angrily towards the wall that Tokiya was nearest, but Tokiya would stay quiet and still, meeting his gaze with a harsh expression. And he’d realize he was right to- because the man had seemed to be heading towards Ren. The man would raise the weapon in his hand, and Tokiya would get almost uncomfortable. 

It seemed to be a thin whip- and it _was_ undoubtedly intimidating, but it was also clearly something you’d use in the bedroom. It would make him feel a bit sick. He really hoped the man hadn’t used this on Ren. The man, brandishing the whip, would point again to the wall. 

Tokiya would, again, refuse.

The man seems livid- and Tokiya feels his wrath when he brings the thin cane down, over and over, anywhere he can reach. It would land on Tokiya’s shoulder, and face, and when he brings up his arms, his forearms, his stomach and his side get most of it. When Tokiya had fallen over, the man would land a kick, knocking Tokiya onto his stomach, and he’d plant his foot on Tokiya’s back, and he’d bring the cane down on his upper back, over and over again. Tokiya can hear the man’s raspy, angry gasping, and the man would bring down the cane one last time, as hard as he can, and he’d storm off upstairs. 

Tokiya would lie on the ground for a long moment, his entire upper body burning. Lying on his stomach hurt, but he was more afraid to roll over to his back. After lying unmoving for a moment, he would feel a trembling hand touch the side of his face, and he would force himself to turn his head, to look at Ren. It’s not just Ren’s hand that’s shaking. Tokiya can see his entire body move, trembling like a leaf, and that brings Tokiya to force himself up. 

Ren would shake his head, his eyes wide, and his hands hover midair, wanting to push Tokiya back down but not wanting to hurt him. Tokiya would force himself up, onto his knees. He sees that Ren’s pushed the gag out of his own mouth, and Ren’s expression is a mix of terror, pain and anger. The last one would almost surprise Tokiya. 

“I’m-” Tokiya’s voice would break, and it’s laced with pain. Ren wouldn’t let him continue. 

Ren’s voice is hoarse from lack of use, and it’s softer, too. His expression, however, is the most aware it’s been yet. It’s blazing, and it would shut Tokiya up. “I know exactly what you’re playing. You are _not_ going to piss him off just to get him to focus on you. Tokiya, you are going to keep your head down, and listen to what he tells you to do.”

“You’ve been going through this for a-”

“But I haven’t.” Ren can’t quite manage the stern tone in his voice, and it’s shaking, but his expression is fierce enough that Tokiya has no choice but to listen. “I haven’t been beat once the way you just were. He could _kill_ you.” Ren’s voice would break. “I don’t want you to be hurt at all, but we can get through this if you don’t piss him off, Toki.” When Tokiya tries to speak again, Ren’s hand cups his face, his thumb landing over Tokiya’s lips to stop him, and Ren shakes his head. “I’m serious about this. I was scared he _did_ kill you.” Tokiya would slump forward, falling against Ren, and Ren barely manages to catch him. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s apology is panicked, but he’s in pain from leaning against Ren, and he can’t figure out how to push himself up without using Ren. 

“I am in a terrible shape right now, Toki, and I think I’m in less pain than you are.” Ren’s voice does take on a sad tone here, and he’d finally sit back, carefully bringing Tokiya with him. 

Ren would spend some time, letting Tokiya use him as a cushion and holding Tokiya down when Tokiya would try to move. Finally, Ren would have helped Tokiya back to his side of the wall, leaning him carefully against it. He would cradle Tokiya’s face, and there’s a desperate look in his expression. “Please keep yourself out of trouble.”

Ren would retreat to his own side of the room when there’s noise upstairs. The door would open as Ren would raise the gag from his neck to his mouth, but both men would watch as the man brings down a small end table, lying it in the middle of the basement. When he goes back upstairs, both Tokiya and Ren are left looking at the table, Tokiya unsure, and Ren nervous. 

The man comes back down with rope, and he’d head straight for Tokiya. Tokiya wouldn’t fight it, even as the man pulls him up by the hair and drags him to the table, forcing him down. Tokiya can’t keep in the pained groan, as his stomach slams against the table. The man would get to tying Tokiya’s wrists and ankles to bind him to the table, and when he heads back upstairs, Tokiya has to turn his head away from Ren. He’s not exactly sure what’s about to happen, but he knows it isn’t going to be good. 

The man comes back, holding three things in his hand. He’d set them in front of Ren. A knife, a hammer, and a bowl of water. This is the first time that Tokiya would struggle against the man, afraid- of what might happen to Ren. 

The man doesn’t speak. He just points at the objects and looks at Ren. It takes Tokiya a few seconds longer than Ren to figure out what the man wants. Ren’s eyes would widen and he’d shrink into the wall, shaking his head. The man would point more forcefully, moving closer to Ren. 

“It’s fine, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is strained. “Please. Just choose.”

Ren’s jaw tenses, biting down hard on the gag, and after a long few seconds, he’d finally point at the water. The man would grab the items, heading back upstairs, and then back down, his hands empty of everything except for the knife. 

Tokiya stops watching Ren. Tokiya would feel the man cut his shirt down the back, dragging a long, deep cut right over his spine. Tokiya would cry out, unable to hold in his pained cry. The man makes two more cuts, dragging the knife down both of his sides and getting a similar response to the initial cut. He’d stop, when Tokiya’s now bloodied shirt can be pulled completely off. 

Tokiya would let his forehead rest against the wood of the table, his body aching with his cries. Through out all of this, Tokiya wonders what Ren’s been through. If Ren hadn’t gotten beaten as badly as Tokiya had the first time, he imagines that Ren hasn’t gone through something like this. He hopes Ren hasn’t gone through _anything_ like this. 

When the man finally returns, for the last time this visit, Tokiya is alerted by Ren’s horrified, muffled sob. 

Tokiya would scream, when the boiling hot water would hit his back. If Tokiya were in less pain than he was, he’d wonder if the hot water would cauterize the wounds, or if it would just _burn_. 

After the man pours the water over Tokiya’s back, and brushes his side with the hot pan, he leaves. Leaving Tokiya tied to the table. Ren only waits long enough for the man to have walked upstairs to move himself in front of Tokiya. He presses the side of his face against the side of Tokiya’s, his other hand moving to cradle Tokiya’s face. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so sorry. I should have known. I’m sorry.”

Tokiya wants to reassure him. To tell him that it wasn’t his fault, but he’s in an excruciating amount of pain. He would just let Ren hold him, the best that Ren can, and he’d cry, with his forehead on Ren’s shoulder. 

They’re left alone for a long time- but it doesn’t take long for Tokiya to start hurting worse, curved over the table with the edges pressed into his still sore stomach and his head hanging uncomfortably off the edge. Ren sits by Tokiya’s head, and the only relief Tokiya gets from the position is laying his head against Ren’s shoulder. Tokiya doesn’t talk, and Ren simply holds onto whatever he can of Tokiya. 

It must be at least a day later when the door finally opens again and the man comes down, once again holding the thin cane. Ren would move, but from the corner of Tokiya’s eye he can see Ren trembling, and Tokiya isn’t sure if he’s afraid for Tokiya, or if he’s angry at what’s about to happen. 

Tokiya doesn’t see the whip until it comes down on his scarred, cut-up back, and he would let out a howl of pain. The man goes easier on him than he did the first time he had whipped Tokiya, but the added pain from the other day makes it hard to tell. When the man is satisfied, he cuts Tokiya free, and he kicks the end table, sending Tokiya sprawling. He would land on his back, the table falling onto his stomach as the man would leave. 

Ren would move quickly, to get the table off of Tokiya, and to get him to roll to his back. 

“I’m sorry, Ren.” Tokiya would mumble. He would be falling asleep, if he were in less pain. Ren is sitting up, leaning against the wall, with Tokiya’s head in his lap. “I know you told me to not make him angry. I really was going to try.”

“This was-” Ren would swallow hard. He’s gently petting through Tokiya’s hair. “This wasn’t your fault. Even not listening to him shouldn’t have gone to that.” Ren would gently run his fingers across Tokiya’s cheek. 

“How bad is it?” Tokiya’s been afraid to ask, but he knows it isn’t good.

Ren would take a very long moment to answer. “They’re really severe burns, Toki. I think they’re going to scar.”

Tokiya would hide his face in Ren’s stomach, and he’d cry. 

Over the next few days, Tokiya got most of the attention. 

He had tried to stay quiet, and it would have worked- up until the time when the man would have brought a pair of pliers and would have walked up to Ren, grabbing him by the hair and tilting his head up. 

“Please don’t.” Tokiya’s voice is shaky and desperate- but it was so easy to read the fear on Ren’s face. Tokiya had learned what pain felt like over the past few days. The kind of pain that you weren’t sure that you’d make it through and you’re not sure that you want to. Tokiya had watched the man beat Ren with the switch, two times, and he hated himself, letting it happen. 

But the expression on Ren’s face when the man had brought the tool had been different. Tokiya wasn’t sure exactly what the man was going to do with it, and Ren didn’t seem to either- but if either of them had to find out, Tokiya wanted it to be him. 

Ren had already been through enough. Tokiya had only been here for a few days. 

The man would turn, and Ren’s expression has turned horrified, a heavy layer of anger right below that. Tokiya can tell from where he’s laying that Ren’s eyes are shiny. The man would walk over to Tokiya, silently. Tokiya was sure that he must seem like a glutton for punishment. 

But Ren was afraid. Ren was afraid of what the man would do- and he was afraid enough that he hadn’t once spoken up in front of the man. Not even to stop Tokiya. 

Tokiya didn’t want to be hurt anymore. More than anything, Tokiya just wanted to be found. But he wasn’t sure what this man was capable of and he didn’t want to find out, watching it happen to Ren. Tokiya would take the physical pain if it meant that Ren didn’t have to.

Tokiya’s arm would be held in a tight grip, and the jaws of the pliers would dig into his index finger. He doesn’t have time to process what’s going to happen before the man snaps his finger. 

Tokiya would cry. 

He was an idol. Maybe he wasn’t the best person, but he certainly wasn’t the worst. He couldn’t comprehend why he was in this situation. He wasn’t _rich_, nor did he come from a rich family. He was just Tokiya. He certainly would have never imagined that he’d end up in a situation like this. 

The man is about to snap another finger when he hears a noise upstairs. The man would make his way up, but just as he nears the door, it’s kicked in, knocking him off balance and sending him down the stairs. Tokiya would have tried to crawl away, not able to fully get up. As people file in, Tokiya manages to make his way to Ren, who clings onto Tokiya’s arms, terrified, trying to pull him closer. 

Tokiya hadn’t realized how dim it was downstairs until a flashlight would have been flashed in their direction and it would have burned. 

Ren and Tokiya are surrounded quickly by officers in uniform, and a few moments later they would have wheeled down two stretchers. Tokiya wouldn’t fight as they loaded him onto one, but he can hear Ren pleading with the medics trying to get him onto the other one. “I can stand. Please let me go with him.” 

“Sir-”

“_Please._” Ren’s voice sounds desperate. It’s actually the female medic that would step up to help him. 

“This stretcher’s being loaded onto our ambulance, We can have-” She must look at Ren, because he answers. 

“Ren Jinguji.” Ren’s voice is quiet, but trembling. “His name is Tokiya Ichinose.”

“We can have Mr. Jinguji ride in the back and I can take his vitals there, too.”

There’s some quiet discussion, but between her offer and Ren’s pleading, that’s what they would do. Tokiya manages to fall asleep through the haze of pain. 

When he wakes up, he finds that he’s alone in a hospital room. There’s a bed next to him that seems to be in use but is currently empty, and there’s water on his bedside table. He would feel panic, not seeing Ren. 

Tokiya still hurts when he moves, but he can tell that he’s on some pain killers. Despite knowing that the IV is likely what’s feeding them to him, he’d still pull it out of his arm in his quest to find Ren, or find answers. He’d prefer the former. 

Tokiya doesn’t get very far, because he has to unhook himself from quite a few wires, and an alarm would have started to go off quickly. 

When the nurses come in to settle him down, they tell him that if he doesn’t calm down, he’ll have to be sedated, and that’s when he’d finally stop struggling. It does help, however, when he sees Ren walk into the room, a few paces ahead of Ranmaru. Ren seems to be wearing sleep clothes from their home, though he does still have a medical bracelet on. Tokiya still seems to be in the hospital gown. 

The first thing Tokiya thinks when he sees Ranmaru is that Ranmaru seems tired. 

The nurses would check Tokiya over, after having fixed everything that Tokiya had pulled off, and as a parting remark, he noticed one of the nurses ask Ranmaru to let them know if Tokiya tried to leave again.

Ren would have stood in the room until the nurses were gone, and would have then sat on the end of Tokiya’s bed. Ranmaru would have pulled up a chair. 

“Tryin’ ‘t escape?” Ranmaru’s eyebrow would raise. 

“Wanted to stretch my legs.” Tokiya would mumble. He can’t quite muster a smile. 

Ren would sigh, carefully setting his hand on Tokiya’s leg. “You’ve been out for a few days. We wouldn’t have left if we had known you’d be up.”

“‘S not Ren’s fault, anyways. I’ve been dragging him down to the cafeteria. He doesn’t really like leaving you alone, either.”

“I take it that Ran’s been our main visitor?” Tokiya’s voice is raspy, and Ren would have leaned forward, to pour some water from Tokiya’s bedside pitcher into a cup, to offer it to him. 

“Are you kiddin’?” Ranmaru would shake his head. “I’m lucky I’m even in here. Your bandmates ‘ve been climbing over each other ‘t make sure you’re both alright.”

Tokiya would take the water, drinking most of the cup. He had been fed, and they had been given water- but it was never enough of either and Tokiya didn’t even want to think about where that water had probably come from. 

Though hearing about the boys did send a warm feeling through Tokiya. “I appreciate them trying, but will you let them know I’m okay but I’ll visit them myself when I’m well? If Ren wants to see them, I’m all for it, but I-” Tokiya would frown. “I’m hardly comfortable with either of _you_ seeing me right now.”

“About that.” Ranmaru would close his eyes. “Now ain’t the time, but we’ve gotta end up talking about everything that went down.”

Tokiya would sigh, looking away from both Ren and Ranmaru. “If this is how I dealt with the situation- for trying to put myself in Ren’s place- I can’t apologize for either time that I did.”

“...’M really torn, Toki. I wanna say that you shouldn’t have, but I know I would’ve done the same thing in your place.” Ranmaru would run his hand over his face. “But that’s not all. Why in the hell did you go to that location?”

“What?” Ren would have looked at Tokiya, his eyes too wide. Tokiya would have stayed silent, and Ranmaru would have explained it to Ren. 

“He found where you might be at. Left the location on his laptop and tried to go there himself.”

“I sent a message out, with the address.” Tokiya would say quietly. “I was worried that the captor would figure out that I knew and would kill Ren. I acted fast and hoped it would work.”

“We never got that message, Toki, the service had been knocked out in that area. And if ya would’a told me what you were doin’ I never would’a let you. Your laptop got smashed, too. ‘M just glad I know Ai. He managed to get the files and figure out where you were.” 

“Ren’s back and I’m alive.” Tokiya would say quietly. “For now, that’s enough.”

“You’re _really_ hurt, Tokiya.” Ren sounds incredibly upset, and there’s a faraway look in Ren’s eyes that Tokiya doesn’t like seeing. 

“I just wanted you to be okay.” Tokiya’s voice is weaker. “I didn’t want you to be hurt.”

“I don’t want _you_ hurt, either.” Ren turns his head, but Tokiya knows that if he isn’t already crying, he’s close. “If you would have gotten yourself killed-” Ren would have to stop talking, breaking into a sob, covering his mouth with a hand. Tokiya would look down, a pained look on his face, hearing Ren crying. He wants to sit up, but Ren is too far and he doesn’t think that Ren would appreciate Tokiya straining himself to reach him. 

Ranmaru moves, to try to calm Ren down, and Tokiya looks away from both of them. When he finally heard Ren’s cries quiet, he feels a hand on his thigh, over the blanket, and he looks up at Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s expression is grim, but moves, taking Tokiya’s uninjured hand. 

When Ranmaru moves to comfort Tokiya, Tokiya finally breaks down into sobs so heavy that they hurt. 

“We’re done for now, alright?” Ranmaru mutters, though it’s to both Ren and Tokiya. He’d run his thumb over Tokiya’s cheek, catching some of the tears, his other hand still holding tightly to Tokiya’s. “Right now, we’ll just focus on you both getting better and getting you home.”

It takes Ren a week to get out of the hospital, and it takes Tokiya two. It’s hard on both of them when Ren leaves- though it’s hardest on Tokiya. Ren and Ranmaru can only visit Tokiya for so long, and when they give Tokiya medicine to help him sleep, it keeps him trapped in his nightmares. Tokiya is relieved when he’s home, with Ren and Ranmaru. The first day that Tokiya is back, he isn’t allowed out of Ren’s sight. Ren hovers over him, an arm on Tokiya almost the entire day. 

It makes Tokiya’s chest constrict, when he sits down and Ren wraps himself around Tokiya, his head resting on Tokiya’s shoulder. 

When Ren cries, Tokiya finds himself crying, too. 

The first day that he’s back, Ren doesn’t bring up anything about what they had been through, and Ranmaru is careful to avoid the subject, too. 

“I want you in the middle, Toki.” Ren’s voice is final, when they’re about to climb into the bed. 

“You-” 

Tokiya doesn’t even get to start trying to argue. Ren’s clearly holding back tears, but his voice still comes out stern. “No. I’m not arguing about this, and I’m not going to argue about things like this from now on. I’m done letting you put us over yourself. Get in the bed, Tokiya.”

Tokiya gets into the bed, quieting down. When he’s in the middle, he’s held in place between Ren and Ranmaru. 

Tokiya is woken from his own nightmare by Ren, who is awoken from a nightmare of his own. Ren clings onto him from behind, and Tokiya somehow manages to turn, noticing Ren’s expression. He’s pale, and his eyes are too wide, searching Tokiya’s face. He looks like a scared child, and it sends an ache through Tokiya. 

“You too?” Ren’s voice cracks, holding tightly onto Tokiya. Tokiya just nods. Ren holds Tokiya as tightly as he dares to with Tokiya’s still healing wounds, and Ren presses soft kisses to Tokiya’s face. His voice shakes when he speaks, quietly. “Ran’s been waking up to try to help me.” He sounds miserable, as he speaks to Tokiya. Tokiya just listens, though he’s started to cling to Ren in the same way that Ren is clinging to him. “I can get… inconsolable after nightmares.” Ren lets out a choked noise- almost a sigh and almost a sob. “You help. Having you here with me, being able to hold you- It really helps. I’m sorry that you’ve been dealing with it alone.”

Tokiya stays quiet, pressing closer to Ren. His nose presses against the crook of Ren’s neck, his fingers pressing into Ren’s shirt. After so long of being malnourished, Ren’s body had deteriorated, and he was no longer comfortable sleeping without clothes. It hurt Tokiya. Most of this situation hurt Tokiya. 

It’s the next day that they finally sit down together and talk about it, Ren still clinging to Tokiya’s side. 

“How’re you holdin’ up?” Ranmaru is looking at Tokiya, and then his expression changes. “I know you’re both fucked up, but-”

“You need to be honest.” Ren cuts Ranmaru off, his voice much sterner. 

“I’m just glad I’m out of the situation.” Tokiya says tiredly. He imagines that had he stopped there, they wouldn’t have believed him, but he does continue. “I’m still scared. I’m scared of the dark, and hot water. It feels like everything still hurts and I don’t know if it really does or if it’s all in my head. ...Being with Ren helps, knowing that he’s not in the situation anymore, but using him as a crutch doesn’t feel right because he was there longer and he needs my support more than I should need his.”

Ren lets out an aggravated sigh, but he’s gentle when he lays his head on Tokiya’s shoulder. “I may have been there longer than you, but you easily went through far more than I did. You got yourself in this situation from trying to protect me, and you’re _still_ doing that. I’m safe now, Toki. I know the desperation- because everything in me wanted to do _something_ to help you when we were in that situation… but I would have made it worse on both of us if I tried. You can’t take everything on by yourself.” Ren sounds upset. “I don’t want you to, either. I’m tired of you putting yourself over me. I don’t want you making _my_ decisions for me because you think it’s what’s best for me- because whether you’re here for me or not, if you’re miserable and unhealthy it’s only going to hurt me, too. I want us to just _be here for each other_, but if you’re going to insist on trying to put me above yourself, I _will_ force my care on you, Tokiya.”

Tokiya looks at Ranmaru, but Ranmaru’s grim expression shows that he doesn’t disagree with Ren. “‘M worried about both of you, Tokiya. But Ren’s handling it better ‘n you are, and that’s because he’s _handling it_.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “You can’t pretend that nothing happened, or ‘t deflect what happened to you onto Ren. I can’t fuckin’ imagine how hard it’s gotta be to deal with, but not dealing with it can’t be an option. ...I agree with Ren. If the only way that you’re gonna let us take care of you is to force it on you- I’ll go that far. Because you’re not gonna get better by acting like you’re already fine.”

“I don’t want to argue with you, baby.” Ren’s voice gets quieter, and he curls around Tokiya, holding him, almost like a child with a teddy bear. Tokiya can tell that Ren’s near tears. “I don’t want to get mad at you. I just want you to listen to me.”

Tokiya falls quiet, not looking at either of them. 

Ren’s voice is upset, and almost desperate, and it turns into a whisper. Tokiya isn’t sure that Ranmaru can even hear him. “I love you. It was really hard, and it was… just really scary, baby doll. All of my nightmares are about you being hurt.”

“I just wanted you to be okay.” Tokiya’s voice trembles.

Ren’s voice stays gentle- almost cooing. “I know, baby, I know. There’s nothing wrong with wanting me to be safe… I just can’t have you doing that at the cost of yourself. And I know I’m being harsh. I know you tried to listen to me, baby, and when it went worse it wasn’t your fault. It just… it really scares me- that you haven’t seemed to change your mind. I just can’t ever let anything like this happen again, Toki. If anything happened to you- God, I’d never get over it. I’m just asking that you care more for yourself. And if you can’t do that for yourself- at least do it for me and Ran.”

“I’lll… I’ll try, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice breaks, not of his own accord.

“Thank you.” Ren presses his forehead to the side of Tokiya’s head, pressing a few soft kisses to his face, on his cheek, and his temple, and the side of his head. “We’re going to start-” Ren’s voice is gentle but firm. “By you letting us take care of you. I’m going to feel a lot better just knowing that you’re being taken care of, my love.”


	42. Forty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings ; bad car accident

The car ride had been completely silent. 

Tokiya and Ranmaru had gotten into an argument, over something that both men could admit was stupid- but Tokiya’s pride kept him from admitting it aloud and Ranmaru hadn’t started the fight. Tokiya had been learning a new instrument- the viola of all things. Natsuki had gotten a new one a few years back and had reached out to the members of his old band to see if any of them wanted his old one, and Tokiya had accepted the offer. 

Tokiya had forgotten how frustrating learning a new instrument could be- and when Ranmaru noticed how worked up Tokiya was getting, he had tried to stop him, to get him to take a break, and Tokiya had snapped at him. Tokiya doesn’t remember exactly what he said, but he knows it was along the lines of telling Ranmaru that it was none of his business and Tokiya was none of his concern.

That had been less than a few hours ago, but now they were on their way to a restaurant to visit Ranmaru’s sister, Juri, to eat lunch together. 

Ranmaru and his sister hadn’t spoken in a very, very long time- never close as children. It was a surprise to Ranmaru when she did reach out to him, and while he had been very, very skeptical at first, he had given it a chance. 

He had told Tokiya that he hadn’t expected it to go anywhere. It had, however, worked out, with both of them being adults, and they had grown closer. There was still a bit of a divide, but Tokiya would even go so far as to say that they did both care for each other.

Tokiya was driving. 

Tokiya had gone, when the light turned green- but he had failed to notice the car that had run the red light, and directly into the passenger side of the car. The car moved, and the driver’s side slammed into a concrete barricade. 

Tokiya had remained conscious, though barely, and through the haze of blinding pain and confusion, he tries to reach for Ranmaru, but Ranmaru is already unconscious, and all Tokiya can make out is _blood_. He wants to move closer to Ranamru, but his leg is pinned. The airbags hadn’t deployed, but both men had been wearing their seatbelts. 

The emergency services come quickly. Tokiya hasn’t stopped trying to check on Ranmaru, but he could tell that one of his legs was definitely broken. 

The next hour is a blur. They have to cut into the doors to get Tokiya and Ranmaru out, and they’re separated and loaded into two different ambulances. Tokiya would have fought them on this, but he had been going in and out of consciousness starting from right before they had taken him out of the car. 

When he wakes up, he notices that his leg has been set and put in a cast all the way from his foot to his hip. It must have been a terrible break. He had other injuries, though not nearly as serious as his leg. Mostly scratches, cuts and bruises. 

When the nurse comes in, Tokiya shifts, sitting up, asking her about Ranmaru, and she promises to check and get back to him. 

When she comes back in- he’s told that Ranmaru’s family had denied him information. 

“What?” Tokiya’s voice breaks. Tokiya and Ranmaru were engaged- but in legality sense, engagement didn’t mean very much. 

“I’m sorry, Tokiya, but I wasn’t given permission to give you any information.”

Tokiya gets quiet for a long time, and then he finally speaks, just before the nurse leaves. “I’d like to leave.”

The nurse frowns. “You’re not medically cleared.”

“I understand.” Tokiya’s face is clouded. “But I would still like to leave.”

“...We can’t forcibly keep you.” She finally says, “But it’s highly recommended that you stay.”

In the end, Tokiya decides to leave. He’s given scrubs, considering his clothing was completely ruined from the crash- covered in blood and ripped from glass. Luckily, his phone wasn’t completely broken- it was just heavily cracked. It would work well enough to get a ride home. 

Tokiya still speaks to the woman at the front desk- and he actually does get to know where Ranmaru’s room is. She had been hesitant, until he had pulled the engagement card. 

Tokiya likely would have been given crutches, or a wheelchair escort- had he not directly left himself. The doctor had come in to try to convince him otherwise, but Tokiya was insistent that he would be leaving. 

Tokiya isn’t surprised to see Ranmaru’s sister in Ranmaru’s room- and he’s less surprised to see the livid expression on her face when he walks in. 

He should have seen the car coming. He should have done _something_ to stop this from happening. 

And then he looks at Ranmaru. 

Visibly, it was clear that Ranmaru was in a much worse condition than Tokiya was. He seemed to be intubated, and hooked up to enough wires that Tokiya couldn’t even tell what went to where. 

“He’s in a coma.” Juri’s voice is cold. Juri had never necessarily liked Tokiya, but this was different. “He got out of surgery last night.”

How long had Tokiya been out? He changes his thought process quickly, as his face falls, and he hangs his head, his voice tight. “I’m sorry.”

Juri says nothing. 

Tokiya doesn’t stop. His voice is quiet. “It’s my fault. I should have been paying more attention.” Tokiya covers his face with his hands for a second, though it burns the cuts on his face. “I’m sorry.” He repeats, his voice almost childlike. 

He jumps, when one of the machines beeps to signify a change, and he notices that Ranmaru’s heart rate has increased. It very quickly settles, but Juri notices it, too. “I think you should leave.” She says quietly. There’s no room for argument. 

Tokiya watches Ranmaru for a long second, swallowing hard. His throat is sore. He finally turns to limp himself out of the room. 

He holds himself together until he finally arrives home, and then he gets one step inside before he breaks into sobs. 

And the last thing he had said to Ranmaru was an insult. 

Tokiya knew that Ranmaru had trouble caring for people- and sometimes it was a miracle that Tokiya didn’t make it worse. It was never a pleasant thing to do, to question someone’s care for you, or to tell them that they don’t- but Tokiya couldn’t help but imagine that it must be worse for Ranmaru. 

Tokiya was terrible to him, and now he’d be lucky if he ever even got the chance to tell Ranmaru that he was sorry. 

Tokiya tries to visit the hospital again, two days after he had left- but when he speaks to the woman at the front desk, he’s told that he’s been denied access by Ranmaru’s family. 

Tokiya isn’t even told that Ranmaru is awake until Juri has walked Ranmaru into his house. Juri doesn’t seem particularly happy about bringing Ranmaru back- and it hurts, when Tokiya sees that Ranmaru is in a wheelchair. Tokiya’s expression must seem lost, but he can see the hurt in Ranmaru’s, and he can only assume that Ranmaru blames him, too. Rightfully at that. 

“You didn’t visit me.” Ranmaru’s tone is a bit flat. 

Tokiya resists the urge to look at Juri. “I- I’m sorry. I wasn’t told you were awake.” Tokiya’s eyebrows pull in, though he makes an attempt to keep the pain away from his expression. The last thing he had wanted was to make Ranmaru feel like he didn’t even care- what a way to kick Ranmaru while he’s down.

Ranmaru’s jaw tightens for a moment, and then he glances down at Tokiya’s cast. “How long were you in the hospital? Are you alright?”

It takes a lot of effort for Tokiya’s expression not to break, and he swallows hard. He considers changing his story, but he doesn’t want to make Ranmaru angry- Ranmaru had gotten good at seeing through Tokiya’s lies. 

Tokiya was very, very happy Ranmaru’s coma was short. He felt ashamed in himself. It must be hard enough just being out of the coma without all of the issues Tokiya was shoving on him now. 

Tokiya doesn’t lie to him. “A day. I’m fine.” Tokiya’s hand moves to hold onto his elbow. 

Ranmaru narrows his eyes a bit. “A _day_?”

“I only stayed a day. I left. Admittedly against doctor’s recommendations.” 

“You _what_?” 

“It’s fine.” Tokiya says, his voice almost numb. “Most of my injuries have healed.”

“You’ve never broken a bone before. D’ya even know _when_ you’re supposed to get your cast off?”

“Please calm down.” Tokiya’s voice is soft, but there’s an edge of fear in it. “I understand you’re upset, and I understand that you have a right to be- but I really didn’t mean to get you worked up, Ran.”

“He’s right.” Juri says quietly. “You shouldn’t get riled up.”

Ranmaru crosses his arms in his chair, his jaw tight, clearly not liking the situation- but he doesn’t press further. At least not yet. The look on his face makes it clear to Tokiya that this isn’t the last time he’s going to bring it up. 

Tokiya is still thankful that Ranmaru stopped for his own sake. 

Tokiya doesn’t know much about comas, and he knows less about Ranmaru’s specific condition- he wishes he could have learned more from the doctor, but he never got the chance. And then a real fear washes over him. 

“Where are you staying, Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is soft again- purposefully hiding any of his own personal opinions. “Do I need to grab you some of your things?”

“What do you mean where am I staying?” Ranmaru sounds irritated. “In my house, obviously.”

Juri’s lips press into a thin line. She clearly had tried to convince him otherwise- and Ranmaru had clearly denied. 

Tokiya wants Ranmaru here. He wants Ranmaru with him. But he needs to be somewhat realistic, too. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to take care of you right, Ran.”

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow, and by the time Tokiya registers that it _is_ a challenge, it’s too late. “I’m hurt, Tokiya, ‘m not dead.” Ranmaru pushes himself out of the chair, and easily brushes his sister’s hand off- she hadn’t reached out with enough force to stop him. Avoiding Tokiya is even easier, because Tokiya isn’t able to move quickly. Ranmaru moves himself to sit on the couch. “I’m just slow. I can take care of myself. If you can get around the house on one good leg, I can get around the house bein’ sore.”

“You had surgery.” Juri reminds. “You _do_ need to be watched over.”

“I need ‘t take it easier and take the meds. I won’t go runnin’ or biking or anythin’, alright? ‘Sides. Toki can still use a phone. If I collapse, he’s perfectly fuckin’ capable of callin’ for help.” Tokiya’s face must show his fear, because Ranmaru leans forward, grabbing onto his elbow. “Relax. ‘M sure that’s not gonna happen. Now c’mon. You’ve been standing since I’ve got in and you’re _trembling_. You don’t get ‘t take it any harder than I’m allowed to.”

“We’re not on nearly the same level, Ran.”

“Are you sure? Ya couldn’t ‘a stayed long enough ‘t even figure out if there was anything else wrong with you. One day?” Tokiya gives him a gentle look, and Ranmaru huffs, rolling his eyes, falling back into irritation. “Yeah, yeah. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”

“Ran-”

Ranmaru’s interruption is flat. “Unless ya _do_ want ‘t talk about it now.”

“Alright.” Tokiya relents. 

“Can I at least stay?” Juri sighs, her own frustration showing. 

“You’ve got a life, and I’ve got Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s response is smooth. “You’ve spent more ‘n enough time at the hospital, Juri. ‘S not worth stressing yourself out any more ‘n you already have.” Ranmaru shifts, sinking into the couch and closing his eyes. Tokiya can only imagine that the stress on Ranmaru’s body is much worse than he’s letting on. “‘Sides. Toki owes it to me.” Ranmaru opens one grey eye, looking over at Tokiya. “Not that _you’d_ know, but hospital rooms are fuckin’ boring when you’re a patient. Only way you’re gonna make up for the lack ‘a company I got from you is by givin’ it to me now.” Ranmaru closes his eyes again. “That, ‘n our guest room isn’t really a guest room anymore.”

It’s true. There wasn’t even a bed. It mostly consisted of Ranmaru’s bass and extensive music collection, as well as Tokiya’s books- and artistic supplies that they both used. 

Actually, Tokiya could even picture the drawer where Ranmaru kept his writing, hidden away. Tokiya had read it, of course- more than once. Ranmaru was a very talented man. 

“‘N I’ve got some serious discussions, too. Think it’d be better if I were alone ‘t have ‘em.” 

Ranmaru doesn’t open his eyes, or address anyone _directly_, but Tokiya can’t even start to fool himself into believing anything but what Ranmaru clearly meant. 

Tokiya knows that they do need to talk, however. 

“‘N you talked enough about your boyfriend ‘t me. Go visit ‘im.”

Juri finally sighs. Even with the time she and Ranmaru hadn’t communicated, Tokiya was sure that Ranmaru was still just as stubborn, when he wanted to be. He was sure she was reminded of this in the hospital. 

Juri does end up leaving, but not before at least moving the wheelchair by the couch. 

When she’s gone, it’s quiet for a very long moment. 

“So why didn’t you visit me?”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“...I was denied. Juri asked me to leave, the first day I had visited you, and when I came back the next I was told that your family had wished for me not to be present. I had tried to leave you a message, but-”

“My phone was wrecked in the accident.” Ranmaru says flatly. “You made this a problem on yourself, Toki.”

“What?” Tokiya’s chest constricts, and when he turns to Ranmaru, Ranmaru’s eyes are still closed. 

“Y’didn’t _once_ tell ‘em that _you_ were my emergency contact? Juri ain’t even on the paperwork.”

“I am?” Tokiya didn’t mean to sound so surprised, but it makes Ranmaru open his eyes and click his tongue. 

“Of course you’re my emergency contact. ‘M yours, too, aren’t I?”

“You are.” Tokiya affirms. “I suppose I thought you might have changed it, considering your better relationship with your sister. And… I’ll admit that I hadn’t thought about that, either.”

“If I’m willin’ ‘t marry you, I’m willing to let you know information about my health, Toki.”

“She was just concerned.” Tokiya frowns. “I didn’t mean to make you feel worse, by not being there- but she was right, in wanting to be there for you in place of me. I was the one that put you in the hospital in the first place.”

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow, and there’s a very long moment of silence. “Let’s get this real fuckin’ clear, Toki- _you_ didn’t run the fuckin’ red light. There is no fucking driver in the world that could’a avoided that crash from your position, because I was lookin’ out my window and even I fuckin’ barely noticed it until it was just about to happen. This says fuckin’ nothin’ about you, or your driving. All that guilt you’re feelin’ is what that fucking idiot that hit us should be feeling.” Ranmaru seems livid. It’s clear that this isn’t the first time that he’s thought about this. “But since we’re on a serious topic anyways.” Ranmaru focuses on Tokiya. “Why’d you leave the hospital? ‘N I want an answer. ‘M not dropping this until you talk about it.”

Tokiya sighs, and he presses his fingertips against his eyelids. “I didn’t want to be there. And I was worried about you. My leg was already casted, and I figured that they had fixed anything that they needed to.”

“Did you even get any pain meds?”

“No. I didn’t. It’s… been bad some nights, but never anything unbearable.”

“I want you to go back.” Ranmaru’s voice is blunt. “If it’s really not that bad, they won’t keep you. And if they do keep you, you should be there, anyways.”

“Not yet.” Tokiya’s voice is gentle, but unyielding. “If they keep me, you’d be stuck here alone.”

“One week. ‘N that’s already way too fuckin’ much. But in a week, you’re going. If I’ve gotta fuckin’ drag you ‘t do it, I will.”

Tokiya knows that isn’t a threat. 

“‘N there’s one last thing.” Ranmaru’s voice is grim. “That argument was fucking stupid, but I hope you know that it doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme ‘a things.”

“If it really didn’t- would you have remembered we had it?”

“I wouldn’t ‘a. If I didn’t think you were kicking yourself over it.”

“I was terrible to you, Ran. And that could have been the last conversation we had.”

“And it wasn’t. If you’ve really gotta get a moral outta this, ‘m fine with live and learn. We don’t fight like we used ‘ta, but I’d like ‘t cut that down even further. That’s good enough for me. And I hope that’s gonna be good enough for you.” Ranmaru’s voice gets more pointed. “If I don’t blame you for any ‘a this, Tokiya, you’re not allowed ‘t blame yourself. Stop making yourself miserable. This situation is shit. The car crash was fucked, and the idiot behind it is an asshole. There’s enough bad in this without you fucking kicking yourself on top ‘a it.”

Tokiya gets quiet, but he curls on the couch and leans forward, resting his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s good leg.

They end up falling asleep on the couch. 

A week later, Ranmaru’s decided that he’s recovered enough to go with Tokiya to his appointment- to make sure he goes. 

Tokiya is given crutches, and weak pain medication. He has bruised ribs, and he had a concussion- which is primarily what they wanted him to stay for. He’s been making his leg worse, walking on it far too much, so he’s forced to keep it on for two extra weeks under the condition that he doesn’t walk on it.

Ranmaru makes sure he doesn’t. 

“For once I hope you listen to me, Toki.” Ranmaru grumbles, on the ride back home. Between both of their injuries and their wrecked car, they’re still calling drivers. “But even if you try not to, ‘m putting my foot down here.”

“I know.” Tokiya mumbles, sighing and closing his eyes. “I know.”

Ranmaru lets his head fall back against his headrest and he sighs. “We’ll get back ‘t normal. It’s gonna take a minute, but we will. ‘N we better not get into another situation like this, but I’ll tell y’right now that as soon as we’re better we’re gonna go get legally married. We can get the whole wedding shabang later, but the next time ‘m in the hospital I expect ‘t see my _husband_ there.”

It’s stern. Almost scolding- but Tokiya finds himself giving Ranmaru a soft smile, linking his hand with Ranmaru’s. “As your husband, I promise this situation will not repeat.” Tokiya falls silent for a second, and then he hums. “Tokiya Kurosaki, hmm?”

Ranmaru gives a low chuckle. “Damn right.”


	43. Forty-Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> triggers ; depression

It wasn’t unusual for Tokiya and Ren to wake up before Ranmaru. They stayed quiet, trying to let him sleep longer as they prepared for their day, though when Ren took over preparing for breakfast he made enough food for all three of them, and Tokiya was tasked with waking Ranmaru up. 

At first, Tokiya does think that Ranmaru is still asleep- but then he notices that Ranmaru’s shifting- and usually when Ranmaru’s asleep he’s still. Worryingly so, sometimes, in Tokiya’s opinion. Tokiya sits down on the bed, and he runs his hand through Ranmaru’s hair, and when he speaks his voice is gentle. “Good morning, darling. Ren made food.”

“‘M not hungry.” Ranmaru doesn’t open his eyes, or react to Tokiya further than responding to him. 

Tokiya frowns, and his eyebrows furrow. He reaches out, to press his hand to the side of Ranmaru’s face, his index finger stroking along Ranmaru’s cheek bone. “Are you feeling alright?”

“‘M fine.” Ranmaru’s answer comes out too flat. 

This isn’t the first time Tokiya’s seen Ranmaru behave like this, but it worries him everytime he does. “Do you want us to stay with you?”

Ren and Tokiya did have work- but it was a short day as it was. And if they really needed to, they could switch off. It wasn’t as if Ranmaru hadn’t gone out of his way to take care of them before. 

Ranmaru stays quiet for a minute, and then he lets out a sigh, his eyebrows lowering, just a bit. “Y’don’t have ‘t. I’ll live.”

That was enough of an answer for Tokiya. He’d lean down, to press a kiss on Ranmaru’s forehead. “Let me take care of some things. I’ll be right back.”

Ranmaru doesn’t say anything, but it assures Tokiya that he was right. 

Tokiya knew that Ranmaru was depressed- and some days were much worse than others. When it got really bad, Ranmaru often went one of two ways. Sometimes the only thing that could help was to be left alone- but other times Ren and Tokiya could make him feel better. This was a time where Ranmaru didn’t want to be left alone.

Tokiya understood wanting to isolate, so when Ranmaru asked, Tokiya left him alone- but both Tokiya and Ren felt better, being there for Ranmaru when it got bad like this. 

When Tokiya leaves the room without Ranmaru, Ren looks up. Tokiya walks closer, and his voice drops to be a bit lower. “I think it’s bad today. I was going to call out, to stay with him.”

Ren nods. “He didn’t want any food?” There’s a slight hint of worry- Tokiya imagines that there’s a lot, and the bit that’s showing through in Ren’s words conveys just how much he’s hiding, too. 

“He said he wasn’t hungry.” Tokiya’s affirmation is grim. “We can put aside his plate. Why don’t you eat while I make the call in, and if it goes well, you can head in after and I’ll join you both a few minutes after that.” 

“Alright.” Ren says quietly, nodding. He watches Tokiya for a long minute, but then begins to make a plate. Tokiya can immediately tell that he’s started with Ranmaru’s, but Tokiya steps aside to make the call. 

With a promise that Tokiya will review the lyrics, and will make sure that Ren does, too, Tokiya and Ren are given the day off. Tokiya hadn’t expected it to be an issue- and he was glad that it wasn’t. When Tokiya comes back in, Ren’s already cleaning his plate. Tokiya doubts that Ren ate much, but he contents himself with noticing that there is more food missing than there had been after Ren made Ranmaru’s plate. Tokiya moves towards Ren, pressing a kiss to his cheek. 

Tokiya’s voice is a mumble. “We’re off today. But tomorrow you have to study lyrics.”

Ren gives a soft, amused exhale. “I can handle that.”

“If you’re done eating, you should head in.” Tokiya presses another kiss to the corner of Ren’s jaw. 

“We’ll see you in a few minutes.” Ren turns his head, a hand pressing to Tokiya’s waist to give him a peck on his lips. He lets Tokiya go, to head into the bedroom. Tokiya begins to put away the food. 

He normally wasn’t very hungry in the mornings, and if anything, he was _less_ hungry now. It’s only a few moments later when Ren leaves the room, his arms wrapping around Tokiya’s waist, resting his head on Tokiya’s shoulder. “He was asking for you, baby.” Tokiya can see Ren’s eyes sweeping Tokiya’s work station. “And I’m guessing that you’re not eating anyways- so let me finish cleaning up.”

“Are you sure?” Tokiya can’t help but to glance towards the bedroom door, still open a crack. 

“I am. He wants you, and I know you want to be in there.” Ren presses a kiss to the back of Tokiya’s neck. “I don’t mind cleaning up. I’ll join you as soon as I’m done.” 

“Alright.” Tokiya gives in easily, because Ren was right. Tokiya did want to be with Ranmaru- especially hearing that Ranmaru wanted him in there. Ren’s arms unwrap from Tokiya’s waist, and Tokiya grabs Ren’s hand to squeeze it quickly before he heads to the bedroom. 

He hadn’t gotten out of his sleep clothes yet, and he was starting to be glad that he hadn’t, as he moves into the bedroom to get into the bed. Ranmaru’s eyes open this time, when Tokiya joins him. “Where do you want me?” 

“C’mere.” Ranmaru holds up one of his arms, and Tokiya climbs into the bed, sliding under the covers and settling against Ranmaru’s chest. Ranmaru’s arm wraps around him, holding Tokiya almost like a stuffed animal. 

Tokiya’s arm curls around Ranmaru’s waist, his head tucked just under Ranmaru’s chin. It wasn’t the most comfortable cuddling position, but it was warm, the proximity made Tokiya feel better and the position made Ranmaru feel better. The discomfort wasn’t bad at all, comparatively. 

Tokiya doesn’t speak until Ren comes in, and he waits for Ren to settle in. Ren gets behind Ranmaru, holding him from behind, an arm around his waist. 

“Would talking help anything?” Tokiya speaks up, his fingers brushing over Ren’s arm and Ranmaru’s side. 

“Not really.” Ranmaru grunts. “Today’s just a bad day. ‘S not anything that actually… happened.” Tokiya’s hand moves, to rub Ranmaru’s side. “Today’s a fuckin’ terrible day for this. I had so much I needed ‘t do.”

“You’ve been working so hard lately.” Ren mumbles against Ranmaru’s shoulder. “You’ve been doing so well. You always do, Ran.”

“You’re incredible.” Tokiya agrees. “And it’s alright to have a bad day, Ran. It’s alright to have a bad _week_. ...I know it’s hard, darling. I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make it easier.”

“There’s not.” Ranmaru sighs, holding onto Tokiya tighter. “But it’s fine. I don’t think there _are_ any right words for this kinda thing- it’s the fact that you’re tryin’. Both ‘a ya. But I think I just wanna sleep for now.”

“Of course.” Ren says. “We’ll be quiet.”

Ranmaru sleeps for a long while, and Tokiya remains trapped- not that he really minds. 

Tokiya does end up falling asleep, though he’s woken up when he feels Ranmaru shaking against him. Tokiya reaches out, fumbling a bit, holding tightly onto Ranmaru’s shirt. He doesn’t feel Ren behind Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru’s breathing is unsteady, shaking just as badly as his body, and Tokiya realizes that the shaking is from Ranmaru holding in sobs, and it wakes Tokiya up. Tokiya’s hand moves up, rubbing Ranmaru’s back. Ranmaru is curled around Tokiya, keeping Tokiya held against his chest. 

“Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is still a bit slurred, but he’s quickly becoming more and more alert. “Are you okay?” 

Ranmaru doesn’t respond, but Tokiya can feel Ranmaru’s nose press to the top of his head. Tokiya feels small, curled in the way he is- but with the way that Ranmaru is curved around him he isn’t surprised. Tokiya would like to find a more comforting position, but he doesn’t have the choice- so he does what he can with the way that Ranmaru’s holding him. 

When Ranmaru finally pulls back, Tokiya shifts, so that he can lean back enough to see Ranmaru’s face. He hadn’t felt the tears, but one look at Ranmaru’s face makes it clear he _had_ cried, as hard as he seems to be trying to hide it. Tokiya moves, to press a kiss to the side of Ranmaru’s neck. 

“Do you want me to get Ren?” 

“Stay.” Ranmaru’s voice is short, but it sounds strained. Tokiya listens. Tokiya does settle back into Ranmaru’s embrace, though a bit less curled in than he had been. Tokiya moves his leg, to tangle with Ranmaru’s, and he brings his hand down, to rub over Ranmaru’s lower back, under his shirt. It takes a few minutes for Ranmaru’s breathing to return to normal, but even after he’s calmed, he continues to hold onto Tokiya. 

“Was it just too much?” Tokiya mumbles, his hand never stilling. 

“Yeah.” Ranmaru’s voice is still rougher than usual, but then it drops, becoming softer. “Guess so. Don’t know what came over me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with it.” Tokiya reassures. “You are one of the strongest men I’ve ever met, Ran, but you’re only human.”

“Yeah. ‘S pretty unfortunate.” 

Tokiya shakes his head, but he presses a kiss to Ranmaru’s collarbone. “Do you want to move to the couch? Or I could dig up my old laptop and we could watch something in bed. Or we can just stay here, if you’d rather.”

Ranmaru gets quiet, as he thinks through it. “It’s been months.” Ranmaru says grimly. “Since the last time I couldn’t even get outta bed. ‘N I still don’t really feel like I… wanna, I guess.” Ranmaru’s voice changes, his tone brimming with a dull anger. “But I shouldn’t.”

“If you have an off-day, Ran, or a day where you just don’t feel well…” Tokiya sighs, and then he pushed himself up, moving so that he can see Ranmaru’s face, and Ranmaru lets him. “I know you’re not as bad as some people- because it’s a good thing that you don’t _dismiss_ mental health- but it is still health, darling. I’m aware this is a bit hypocritical-” Tokiya manages a small, sheepish smile. “But sometimes you have to take a sick day when your health is poor. And mental health falls under that same umbrella.”

“...” Ranmaru stays quiet for a long moment, his thumb running over Tokiya’s side. “You’re right. That _is_ hypocritical.” Tokiya lets out a dramatic sigh, but Ranmaru keeps talking when he’s done. “...But maybe this is somethin’ we both need ‘t work on.” Ranmaru sighs, and he closes his eyes. “‘M gonna get up, ‘n make the bed. Dunno that I’m gonna get any further ‘n that today, but it’s somethin’.”

“I think that’s a good idea.” Tokiya’s hand moves, to hold onto Ranmaru’s forearm, his thumb running over Ranmaru’s skin. He smiles at Ranmaru, when Ranmaru’s eyes open. Ranmaru slowly lets go of Tokiya, to roll over to his back. It takes a minute, for Ranmaru to convince himself to stand- but he does. He gets out of bed, and Tokiya gets out of the other side. 

They work together, in making the bed. Ranmaru makes his side and Tokiya makes the other. 

They make their way to the couch, and Ren perks up from the kitchen, seeing them leave the room. Ren isn’t obvious about it, but Tokiya can tell that Ren is happy to see Ranmaru out of bed. Ranmaru makes his way to the couch, and Tokiya notices that he chooses to sit in the middle. Tokiya goes to the back of the couch, squeezing Ranmaru’s shoulder, and Ranmaru turns his head, seemingly waiting for Tokiya to join him. 

“I’m going to grab something first, and then I’ll join you. Do you want me to hand you the remote?”

“I can get it.” Ranmaru mutters, leaning forward as Tokiya retracts his hand. Tokiya heads to the fridge, crouching down to reach into the back of it. He can hear the TV turn on, as he finds what he’s looking for. He notices Ren doing meal prep, and Tokiya presses a kiss to Ren’s cheek as he passes. 

Tokiya grabs a blanket from the closet in the living room before he heads back to the couch, and when he moves to sit, Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises, his eyes moving to the bottle in Tokiya’s hands. 

“If you don’t want it, you can save it for later.” Tokiya offers the bottle of coca-cola, and when Ranmaru takes it, he begins to unfold the blanket. 

“Where’d y’get this?”

“I keep a bottle in the fridge for situations I feel call for it.”

Ranmaru snorts. “An emergency coke, huh?”

Tokiya gives an amused smile. “I suppose. Sometimes I feel like giving you treats- but I need one to do that.”

“Am I a cat now?”

Tokiya can’t help the grin. “I wouldn’t go that far.”

Ranmaru huffs, but it’s an amused noise. Tokiya can see the soft look in his eyes, and he can tell that Ranmaru really does appreciate the gesture. “...Thanks, Toki.”

“Of course.”

Tokiya leans against Ranmaru as the show starts, though Tokiya pays a lot of attention to Ren- listening for the telltale signs of Ren putting away the food. 

When Ren makes his way to the couch, Ranmaru’s eyes are on him from the moment he enters Ranmaru’s sight. Ren slides down onto the couch, running his hand through Ranmaru’s hair, leaning forward to press a kiss against Ranmaru’s jaw. “How would you feel about ordering something in, baby? Unless you want me to make dinner.”

“I’d rather order.” Ranmaru mutters. He leans forward, to set the bottle on the table- it’s still mostly full, but he had taken a few sips of it. Ranmaru uses his newly freed hand to wrap around Ren’s waist, his other hand moving to hold Ren against him on the couch. Ren goes easily, letting Ranmaru pull him in. 

Ren squeezes Ranmaru’s arm. “I’m more than stay here with you, but I really should order food soon. What sounds good?”

Ranmaru stays quiet for a long moment, turning Ren so that he can lay his chin on Ren’s shoulder. “A burger.”

Ren gives a fond chuckle. “Of course.”

It takes a few moments, for Ranmaru to release Ren, to give him a chance to actually pull up a delivery service on his phone, and it takes twice that for all three men to decide on what they want and to order the food. Tokiya is the one to answer the door, because Ranmaru is still holding Ren to the couch, and Tokiya puts out the boxes, in front of their respective people. 

Ranmaru doesn’t finish his food- something that isn’t usual for him, but Tokiya and Ren don’t comment. In the end, they’re just glad that he ate. 

They watch a movie- a Ryuya Hyuga one. Tokiya wasn’t overly fond of them, and it wasn’t Ren’s type, either, but they knew Ranmaru liked them, and that was enough for both of them. 

When eight rolled around, it was clear that Ranmaru was already tired. “I’ve gotta lie down.” Ranmaru’s voice comes out a bit flat. He had seemed to have trouble focusing on the movie- something that hadn’t missed Tokiya’s or Ren’s attention. 

“Of course.” Tokiya sits up, moving off of Ranmaru’s shoulder. “I’ll clean up, and you two can head into bed.” Tokiya presses a kiss to Ranmaru’s temple, and then stands, quickly moving to grab the trash. Ranmaru watches him, but he does go into the bedroom with Ren. 

Tokiya’s original plan was to stay up late- because he _had_ said that he would look over his lyrics. So he had admittedly taken his time with cleaning up. 

He had went to the bedroom, to very quietly open the door. At first, he thinks that both Ren and Ranmaru are asleep, but just as he’s about to close the door to retreat to the living room, he sees Ranmaru watching him. 

When Ranmaru finally does speak, it’s after a long moment of silence. “If y’really wanna work right now, Toki, ‘m not gonna stop you- but ya can’t just spend all night in the doorway.”

Tokiya hesitates. Today, he’s been the only one of them that really hasn’t done _anything_. Tokiya genuinely believed that Ranmaru getting up at all was praise-worthy, because Tokiya was familiar with depression. He knew how difficult it could be, to do anything at all when you felt so poorly- and to keep Ranmaru in bed, it must have been horrible. And then, of course, Ren had finished the meal prep for the rest of the week. 

Tokiya did not, at all, regret being there for Ranmaru- but Tokiya was a workaholic, and doing no work just didn’t sit right with him. But Tokiya had taken off for Ranmaru. 

“What would you rather me do, darling?” 

“Honestly? I’d like you ‘t get into bed. But I know that’s not what you wanna do.”

Tokiya enters the room, and he closes the door, moving towards the bed. He doesn’t climb in yet, but he does lean over to press a kiss to the top of Ranmaru’s head. “That’s not true.” Tokiya insists. “I mean… yes. I do feel like I should work. But I’d like to stress that I never mean to choose work over you or Ren- and I certainly don’t mean to put work over either of you.”

Ranmaru sighs. “I know, babe. There’s a lot ‘a fuckin’ credit in working as hard as you do, ‘n there’s a lotta work ‘t do as an idol. ‘N you’ve had your hands full with me all day. If you need ‘t work, I get it.”

Tokiya’s hand moves, running his thumb over Ranmaru’s cheek. “I appreciate you saying that, Ran. I’ll be right back.” Tokiya gives Ranmaru a soft smile, one he’s not sure that Ranmaru can see in the dark, and then Tokiya makes his way into the bathroom, closing the door behind him before he turns on the light. 

Tokiya heads back, after getting himself ready for bed. He still didn’t feel great, about not catching up on his work, but he had taken the day off to be there for Ranmaru- and he was determined to do exactly that. He does notice that Ranmaru’s eyes are closed, and he can only imagine that Ranmaru had expected that Tokiya would be working. 

Tokiya hoped that it was a pleasant surprise, when he climbed into the bed. One of Ranmaru’s eyes open, but he doesn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around Tokiya. Tokiya realizes that Ren isn’t asleep yet- when Ren reaches around Ranmaru to squeeze Tokiya’s hip. 

Ranmaru doesn’t say anything, but his contented hum says enough. 

“Let us know tomorrow, if you’re still not feeling right, okay?” Ren mumbles, squeezing Ranmaru gently. 

“I better be feelin’ right.” Ranmaru grumbles, but then he sighs. “But if ‘m not I’ll let y’know.”


	44. Forty-Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; drugging, kidnapping, debt

Tokiya paced the nearly empty cabin, wringing his hands between him. 

Tokiya was terrified- but he understood that he had no right to be. 

Tokiya had found a threatening letter, addressed to Ranmaru. He had opened it, not to snoop, but because Tokiya liked going through the mail. He read through it, and he set aside the bills for Ranmaru to handle. It was something he’d done for years, from the start of their marriage. 

Tokiya was well aware of Ranmaru’s debts- it was something Ranmaru and Tokiya had discussed at length. It was why they lived in a small, one-bedroom apartment and they both worked normal jobs, even after their idol days had passed. But this letter was from a loan shark that Ranmaru had dealt with in the past- asking for the full amount of the remaining money _and some_, and threatening his life, if he fails to pay it off by a far-too soon date. 

Tokiya remembers his heart stopping, and the depression in the paper left by his fingertips from his grip on it. They knew their address- they had Ranmaru’s information, and Tokiya knew that they could be dangerous. Tokiya didn’t understand why they were asking for _all_ of the money at once but no matter what Tokiya and Ranmaru did, they couldn’t scrape together all that money in time. 

Tokiya had convinced Ranmaru to join him, ditching the car a bit out of the way of where Tokiya was headed- an old cabin that his mother had gifted them for his wedding. It was theirs, but it was overall unused, because Tokiya and his mother had no real interest in camping. Tokiya would have sold it, but it wasn’t in a good tourist spot and it was nice to have somewhere to hide, should they need to. 

Tokiya’s second reason had never felt as serious as today. 

Tokiya had stopped Ranmaru before Ranmaru had gone inside, and Ranmaru had been suspicious when Tokiya had wrapped him up in a hug, but he had hugged back anyways- while Tokiya tried to subtly fumble with the syringe in his hand. He hadn’t managed to escape Ranmaru’s attention, but Ranmaru wasn’t able to pull back from Tokiya’s grip before Tokiya had gotten the needle into the back of Ranmaru’s arm. 

Ranmaru had gotten Tokiya off of him, knocking the syringe out of Tokiya’s hand. He looks at it, for only a second, and then he looks at Tokiya with an absolutely incredulous look. “Tokiya what the fuck did you do?”

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya steps back from Ranmaru, but when Ranmaru moves to step forward, he stumbles. Tokiya waits until Ranmaru’s knees give out, and only then does he move forward to catch him. 

And that’s where Tokiya has found himself now. Sitting on the couch in the middle of the room with his head in his hands, Ranmaru handcuffed to the bed. 

“Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is slurred and groggy, and Tokiya hears the chains jingle against the bed frame. Tokiya had piled pillows beneath Ranmaru and had stuffed rags between the cuffs and Ranmaru’s wrists, all to try to help alleviate the pressure and pain of leaving him bound like this.

It takes a long moment for Tokiya to push himself up from the couch, his face grim. Ranmaru’s initial struggle had just been to move his hands, but it’s a bit more purposeful now, realizing that he can’t. Tokiya reaches out, gently holding onto Ranmaru’s hand, to get him to stop pulling. The towels wouldn’t do much if Ranmaru applied enough pressure, or managed to tighten the cuffs or move the towels. 

“What are you doing?” Ranmaru seems to have trouble, focusing on Tokiya. “What’s going on?”

“I’m sorry, Ran. I can’t let you go, but I’m not going to hurt you.”

“Did you drug me?”

“It was a low dose. You’ve only been out for about two hours.”

“Fuckin’ give me a straight answer, Tokiya- why’d you lock me up?”

“I can’t tell you, darling. I’m sorry.” 

Tokiya moves away from the bed, and Ranmaru begins to struggle again. “Tokiya!”

Tokiya has to stop, worried again that Ranmaru might hurt himself in his struggle, and it’s only getting stronger, now that the drugs are wearing off. Tokiya’s hands move, to hold back Ranmaru’s, but he flinches back when Ranmaru attempts to catch Tokiya’s hand- to keep him there. Ranmaru’s glare stays trained on Tokiya’s face.

“Please don’t struggle, Ran. I couldn’t find anything better than these metal cuffs.” Tokiya frowns, glancing away from Ranmaru. “Let me know if you’re hungry or thirsty.” 

When Tokiya leaves this time, Ranmaru doesn’t struggle- but he doesn’t stop glaring at Tokiya. Tokiya only goes to the couch. “‘N what’s the difference between not talkin’ ‘t me over there ‘n not talkin’ to me over here?”

Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, but he slowly stands, to approach Ranmaru. “I can’t tell you anything, Ran.”

“Yeah. ‘S not gonna keep me from asking.” When Tokiya stays quiet, leaning against the wall near the head of the bed, Ranmaru grumbles. “Would ya at least sit where I can see your face?”

“No.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. 

“I can read you from your voice, Toki.” Ranmaru reminds. “What’s movin’ closer gonna do?”

“I shouldn’t be this close.” Tokiya’s voice is stiff, but it only emphasizes his upset. “And I’m not sure why you’re asking me to move closer.”

“Because ‘m tired ‘a strainin’ myself ‘t see you.”

Tokiya is quiet for a long moment, but he finally moves, sitting down on the bed near Ranmaru’s hip. 

“I don’t get it, Toki. What did I do?”

“This isn’t your fault, Ran.” Tokiya shakes his head, but he won’t look at Ranmaru. 

“Happy relationships don’t lead to _kidnapping_. Somethin’s goin’ on.” Tokiya flinches at the word ‘kidnapping’. He wanted to keep Ranmaru safe- but it’s gotten out of control. He didn’t want to _kidnap_ Ranmaru. 

“I’m going to make dinner.” Tokiya shakes his head and he stands, moving to the kitchen. He had set it up with what he’s brought, mostly. He’d make a fairly simple pasta dish. It wasn’t that he was a bad cook- but Ranmaru was a _good_ one, and usually Ranmaru was the one who cooked. 

Ranmaru watches Tokiya the entire time, but his eyes narrow again when Tokiya returns, holding the bowl, and his voice is dry. “You’re not gonna let me go, are you?”

“I’m sorry.”

Ranmaru scowls, his lips pressing together into a thin line. “‘N just why can’t you uncuff me?”

Tokiya gets quiet, his face darkening- becoming sad. His voice is hardly audible. “I didn’t want to drug you in the first place, but I would have been useless against you if I hadn’t. If I uncuff you, you’d have no trouble overpowering me.”

“Tokiya-” There are too many emotions on Ranmaru’s face for Tokiya to pick out, but hurt is one of the largest. “I’m… confused. I’m pissed, and you’re not giving me _anything_ ‘t work with. You’re sending so many conflicting messages and I wish you’d just fucking let me go. But I’m not gonna _hurt_ you. You’re acting really fucking weird, Toki, and I wish you’d just tell me why you’re doing this.”

“For you.” Tokiya sounds miserable. “I know that’s cryptic, and sounds like such a lie, but I’m doing this for you.”

“Then tell me what I did.” Ranmaru’s hands are curled into fists, and the chains rattle as he pulls on them in his aggravation. “I’ve been married to you for fuckin’ years, Toki. ‘N I’ve witnessed first hand, God-fuckin’-knows how many times how you don’t think your ideas through enough ‘n try ‘t solve problems in ways they don’t need ‘t be solved. ‘N I hope that’s all this is- but the longer you keep me locked up the more of a problem it’s gonna get ‘t be. Just _talk_ to me, Tokiya!” When Tokiya stays silent, Ranmaru’s voice turns dead serious. “Look at me.” Tokiya does, though it isn’t easy. “Just uncuff me, babe. ‘M not gonna attack you, or run. I just want you ‘t let me go so we can _talk_ about this.”

Tokiya’s hands flex against the edge of the plate, and his eyes are darting around. His first sign of the beginnings of panic. “I can’t.” Tokiya winces as he speaks. 

“You won’t.” Ranmaru says flatly, sighing. 

“Please eat, Ran.” Tokiya says softly. Ranmaru stays silent, and Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. He moves to curl himself against Ranmaru’s chest, holding onto Ranmaru tightly. “I’m sorry.” Tokiya repeats. “It’s only for a few days. Please eat.”

It isn’t until nearly twenty minutes later that Ranmaru sighs, jaw tensing and relaxing. His voice comes out flat and low. “Fine.”

Tokiya, curled into him, looking genuinely upset, had finally gotten to Ranmaru. 

“I’ll eat.” 

Tokiya pushes himself up, and his look of relief makes Ranmaru frown. Tokiya picks up the plate, and he frowns as well, looking at it. “It’s cold.”

“It’s fine.” Ranmaru sighs. “I’ll just eat it anyways.”

Tokiya shifts, to sit on his legs, and he feeds Ranmaru. Ranmaru doesn’t, at all, seem happy about it- maintaining stern eye contact the entire time. Tokiya goes to handle the dishes when he’s done. 

“I ate.” Ranmaru’s watching Tokiya. “What about you?”

“Please don’t do this.” Tokiya covers his face with his hands, leaning on the counter of the kitchen.

“Do what?”

“Worry over me. I’ve…” Tokiya had trouble saying the word, but he forces himself to, anyways. “I’ve kidnapped you.”

“This is a fucked situation.” Ranmaru grumbles. “I’m uncomfortable. ‘M honestly worried you’ve snapped-”

“I figured.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, as he cuts Ranmaru off. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not eating.”

He feels sick. Too sick to eat. 

“You should get some rest.” Tokiya mumbles, just loud enough for Ranmaru to hear him. 

“Easier said than done.” Ranmaru huffs. Tokiya makes his way to the couch, setting the bag down, and digging through it for a moment. Ranmaru’s voice changes, becoming careful. “Tokiya-”

Tokiya sets the gun on the coffee table, pointing away from Ranmaru, towards the door. 

“Tokiya.” Tokiya hears Ranmaru shift, trying to better sit up. Tokiya finally glances at Ranmaru- and it’s clear. Ranmaru was absolutely certain at this point that Tokiya had lost the plot. “What are you going to do with that?”

Tokiya moves, leaving the gun on the table but going to cradle Ranmaru’s face, moving quickly. “I won’t hurt you.” Tokiya’s voice is hushed and quick, his fingers brushing over Ranmaru’s cheeks. “I would never hurt you, darling. I didn’t bring it to threaten you, and I would never, ever hurt you. Please believe me, Ran.”

“Why do you have a gun? Where the fuck did you get it?”

“It’s protection, Ran. I shouldn’t have to use it.”

“Protection…? Tokiya, talk to me.” Ranmaru sounds frustrated, pulling against the restraints, and Tokiya has to move to hold him to the bed. 

“I’ll tell you everything when it’s over.” 

Tokiya pulls away, and he moves to turn off the lights, and Ranmaru’s jaw grits. “Wait.”

Tokiya turns, his eyebrows pulling together, but he does wait. Ranmaru huffs, the main emotion on his face is annoyance, but then he sighs, his eyes closing. “‘Ve gotta go ‘t the bathroom.”

Tokiya nods, and he takes the hey out from a string around his neck. Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises. “I didn’t want to lose it.” Tokiya mumbles. “And I feel safer carrying it with me.”

Ranmaru doesn’t say anything. Tokiya unlocks one of Ranmaru’s hands, but even Ranmaru can see how tense he is. Tokiya untangles the handcuff from the bedframe, but Ranmaru stays still, so Tokiya can recuff his hands- despite how aggravated he looks when Tokiya does. 

Ranmaru gets off of the bed, heading silently into the bathroom. Tokiya moves to the end of the bed, unable to contain his nervous shifting. When Ranmaru exits the bathroom, he makes direct eye contact with Tokiya, but he sits back down on the bed. 

“I don’t understand.” Tokiya admits quietly. “You could easily overpower me.”

“‘N what’s that gonna accomplish?” Ranmaru asks, his own voice quieter than usual. “Yeah, I could kick your ass ‘n leave. But there’s somethin’ wrong. More ‘n something. I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but I want you ‘t just talk to me, and I want you ‘t decide that you don’t need to keep me fuckin’ locked up, Toki.”

Tokiya looks down. “Will you sit back up on the bed?”

Ranmaru sighs, but he does. Tokiya takes the key from his neck, almost hesitantly unlocking the cuffs from around Ranmaru’s wrists- but he moves, to attach one end to one ankle and the other to the bottom of his bed. 

“Guess it’s better.” Ranmaru grumbles, rubbing his wrists. The action doesn’t miss Tokiya’s attention, and Tokiya moves, to try to look at Ranmaru’s wrists. “Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is stern. “If I was gonna fuckin’ hurt you, I would’a by now. This isn’t because you don’t trust me, is it?”

“No! No, please don’t think that Ran!” Tokiya’s arms wrap tightly around Ranmaru, but he lets go, before Ranmaru can respond. He steps away, leaving Ranmaru with a frustrated expression. “I’m sorry, Ran. I’m… I’m sorry. But it isn’t you.” Tokiya backs away, and this time, when he turns off the lights, Ranmaru doesn’t stop him. 

“Why’re you sleepin’ on the couch?” Ranmaru grumbles. 

“I need to watch the door.” Tokiya says quietly. He’s sitting upright, the coffee table a bit closer to him than before. Ranmaru sighs, but it does fall quiet. Ranmaru eventually falls into an uneasy sleep.

When he wakes up, Tokiya is on the couch, drinking straight from a large bottle of vodka. 

“Toki, what are you doin’?” 

“Oh, I’m sorry-” Tokiya moves to set down the bottle, accidentally knocking it over and cursing under his breath as he straightens it. His voice doesn’t sound right. “Are you hungry? I can start breakfast.”

“How early is it?” 

Tokiya glances around, settling on his watch. “About nine?”

“You’re drinkin’ at nine in the morning?”

“Do you want breakfast?”

Ranmaru grumbles, pushing himself up. “Bring the bottle ‘t the bed. We can share.”

Tokiya looks shocked, but after a second of hesitation, he picks up the bottle and brings it to the bed. Ranmaru has moved to the bottom of it, and Tokiya sits down, leaving space in between them. When he’s close enough, Ranmaru notices that Tokiya’s been crying.

Ranmaru takes the bottle from him, taking a drink from it. He notices that there’s an awful lot missing. 

“So.” Ranmaru turns his head, watching Tokiya. “What’s wrong?”

Tokiya is silent for a long moment, and Ranmaru offers him the bottle. He doesn’t think it’s a great idea- but he thinks it might get Tokiya to speak to him. Tokiya takes a long drink from the bottle. “I realized I’m wrong.” Tokiya’s voice breaks as he speaks. “And I feel like a horrible person. But it’s too late.”

“It’s not, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is careful- he’s trying to keep it gentle. Calm. “Just talk to me. If you let me go, Toki, I’m not gonna leave.”

“It is.” Tokiya’s grip tightens on the bottle, and Ranmaru takes it back- worried about Tokiya breaking the glass bottle. “You’re being so calm about this.” Tokiya covers his face with his hands. “And it’s either because of the gun, or because you’ve think I’m going through a total meltdown, and maybe it’s both, and maybe I am- but when this is done- you’re going to hate me. I feel like it’s unavoidable.” Tokiya doesn’t look up, holding his head in his hands. “But I can’t let you go, and I can’t risk you leaving, and I’m afraid to tell you why. I’ve already talked too much. But I know it’s probably hard to believe with everything I’ve done- but I’m sorry.”

Ranmaru sets down the bottle by the bottom of the bed, and he reaches out, to set his hand on Tokiya’s hands. Tokiya looks up. He’s not crying yet, but his eyes are glassy. Ranmaru’s hand moves, a finger curling under Tokiya’s chin to turn his head towards Ranmaru. His voice is soft, no more than a mumble, but his voice is dead serious. “I’m worried about you, Toki.” He frowns. “Honestly? You’re scaring me.” Ranmaru sighs, closing his eyes, but he opens them before he speaks again. “But if you let me go I’m going to stay with you so we can figure this out. Trust me, Tokiya, please.”

“Why aren’t you treating me like a kidnapper?” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “That’s what I am.”

“I don’t know what caused your break, babe, but I think you had one.” Ranmaru says grimly. “And I think that bein’ out here like this probably isn’t best for you right now. I wish you’d just tell me what’s goin’ on. Why you thought you had to come to _this_.”

“We’re not gettin’ anywhere with this, are we?” Ranmaru finally lets go of Tokiya, to run his hands over his face. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru sighs. “You’re also obviously drunk. Lay down.”

“I’m not sure if I should-”

“Look.” Ranmaru’s voice is dead serious, his eyes narrowing. “I’m still your husband. ‘N I am angry, that you drugged me ‘n locked me up. But you’re acting weird, something’s wrong, ‘n I can only do what I can. So lay down.”

Tokiya does, and Ranmaru’s arm wraps tightly around Tokiya’s waist. 

Tokiya does fall asleep- but when he wakes up, Ranmaru’s arm is still around his waist. Tokiya’s hand raises, a bit sleepily, to his neck, but the key is still there. 

“You really stayed?” Tokiya mumbles. His head is pounding and the sky is dark. 

“Yeah. But I really need ‘t use the fuckin’ toilet.” Ranmaru’s grumble shows that he’s been awake longer than Tokiya. Tokiya fumbles, but he takes off the key, to unlock the cuff around Ranmaru’s ankle. Ranmaru moves, steadying Tokiya on the bed as he passes him, to go to the bathroom. 

Tokiya stands, taking the key from around his neck and laying it on the bed, picking up the alcohol and going to sit in the kitchen. He sinks against the wall, hidden by the island. 

Tokiya hears a click- and he knows without looking that Ranmaru is emptying the gun.

Ranmaru stands at the end of the kitchen, only a moment later, holding the key in his hand. 

“Are you finally going to tell me what’s going on?”

“I guess.” Tokiya mumbles. He felt hungover, and nauseas, and even when he had been drunk he had been reminded of what a terrible plan he had made. Ranmaru sits down on the kitchen floor across from him. “You got a letter from a loan shark. It was asking for the full amount paid immediately, and if you didn’t pay it, they’d kill you.”

Ranmaru stays quiet for a long moment, and his voice is hard to read when he speaks. “So what was your whole plan with this?”

“I was keeping you here to try to keep you safe.” Tokiya takes a long drink from his bottle. “I really wasn’t going to hurt you. The gun was in case anyone figured out where we were and tried anything. I just… I wanted to keep you safe. I wanted you to be alright.” Tokiya wipes at his eyes with the back of his hands. “I panicked. ...I should have just told you- I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“You hide problems, Toki. It’s a really fuckin’ annoying part ‘a who you are.” Ranmaru sets his head in his hands. “What did the letter say exactly, Toki?”

“I have it in my bag.” When Tokiya’s done speaking, Ranmaru is up. He’s gone for a long moment, and he looks livid when he returns. Tokiya sinks in on himself, cradling the bottle in his hands. Ranmaru moves in front of Tokiya, lowering himself down. “Toki.” Tokiya can still make out anger in his voice, but he seems to be trying to dull it. “I want you ‘t look at this again.” Ranmaru holds the letter out, and Tokiya takes it, but he’s watching Ranmaru. He sighs, and he lowers his head, resting his forehead on Tokiya’s knees. 

“That’s the right guy, but it’s not the right amount. ‘N it’s been a monthly payment. I paid the fee this month ‘bout three days ago.” Ranmaru looks up, looking at Tokiya, his face serious. “But the fee hasn’t been this high in months, anyways.” Ranmaru closes his eyes for a moment, clicking his tongue. He meets Tokiya’s eyes again. “I do the bills, babe. I know you see all ‘a the names, ‘n the prices- but I keep track of that stuff. This is an _unfortunately_ good scammer. He got my information ‘n the name ‘a the loan shark. It’s a real good fake, babe. ‘Specially when you’re not expectin’ it.” Ranmaru leans forward, closer to Tokiya’s face. “‘M glad you took it seriously. It’s not the right guy, but that doesn’t mean this scammer can’t be dangerous. But kidnapping me wasn’t the right answer. If you would’a just _talked_ to me, we could’a handled this a lot better. You had a lotta good ideas, Toki- ‘n I mean that. Takin’ it seriously, leavin’ somewhere safer… they were good ideas.”

“I know I shouldn’t have locked you up.” Tokiya says quietly. “I know it doesn’t mean much- but I was afraid of what could happen, and I knew that there was no way we could have come up with that much that shortly. ...And I also know that you usually don’t like including me in money issues from your past, and I was worried _you_ might try to take this on by yourself.” Tokiya hangs his head. “And in the end, I was stupid, and I took it on by _myself_. I’m sorry.” 

“I wish you’d just trust me, Tokiya.” Ranmaru huffs. “I’m not gonna go hunt someone down, or do somethin’ stupid. What we _should’a_ done was ‘t report this letter ‘n then come here, to lay low.” Ranmaru pushes back Tokiya’s bangs. Tokiya feels scolded, when Ranmaru speaks again. “It wasn’t wrong ‘t be scared, but you fed into it.” Ranmaru finally sits back and stands up. He offers his hand to Tokiya. “C’mon. Get up.”

“If you want to leave, I understand.” Tokiya doesn’t reach to take Ranmaru’s hand. “But I want to stay here.”

“I meant off the kitchen floor, Tokiya. ‘N besides. You’re askin’ me ‘t leave you, drinking, alone ‘n with a gun? That’s not fucking happening.”

When Ranmaru’s hand doesn’t pull back, Tokiya finally takes it. He holds tighter onto the bottle as he’s set back on his feet, but Ranmaru takes the bottle from Tokiya when he’s up. Tokiya frowns, but Ranmaru won’t give it back.

“What happens now?” Tokiya’s question is quiet. 

“We’ll stay here for a few more days. Anything else happens, here or at home, we go straight to the cops.”

“...Can we?”

Ranmaru scowls. “The practice I use is sketchy, Tokiya, not illegal.”

“...Sorry.”

Ranmaru clicks his tongue, but he jumps back into what he was saying. “No more drinking.” He gestures towards the bottle. “‘M gonna keep the key to the cuffs, ‘n I’m using the cuffs to lock the gun up in a cabinet. ‘Ve already emptied it, ‘n I really don’t want you touching it. I’m… glad you’ve got a _reason_ for why it got this bad, but there’s still something wrong, Toki. I know you were scared ‘n desperate, but you _drugged me_.” Ranmaru leans closer, and while Tokiya can’t meet his eyes, Ranmaru doesn’t let Tokiya drop his head. 

“Are you going to leave me?” Tokiya’s eyes close as he speaks. “I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a long moment, his jaw tensing. “I’m not. But this ain’t an unconditional thing, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is a warning. “‘M not usually a fan of therapy, but we need ‘t do somethin’ about trust ‘n communication.” Ranmaru’s hands move, to cradle Tokiya’s face. “I don’t want ‘t leave you. You obviously went too far this time- but I’m not gonna ignore what you were tryin’ to do. I’m not hurt, ‘n thank God you just fuckin’ talked to me _now_, instead ‘a God knows when. This isn’t something I should or could just ignore-” Ranmaru presses his forehead to Tokiya’s. “I don’t _want_ to leave you. But you need help, Toki. We need something, ‘n I _can’t_ stay with you if you aren’t willing to at least try to fix this.”

“I’ll get help.” Tokiya says quickly- and almost desperately. He hated therapy- but if Ranmaru were willing to give him another chance, he’d do anything he could. “If you’ll give me a chance, I’ll fix this. I promise.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. Ranmaru’s arms wrap around Tokiya. 

“‘M gonna have ‘t be really careful for a while, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is grim. 

“I know.”

They both stay quiet for a long moment, and then Ranmaru lets go of Tokiya. He locates the cap for the bottle of alcohol, and it joins the gun and dropped ammunition in a cabinet, held closed by the handcuffs. Ranmaru slips the leather necklace connected to the key around his own neck, putting the key under his shirt.

“No more stayin’ up all night _or_ sleepin’ on the couch, either. We’re both sleeping in the bed.”

Tokiya nods. He hesitates, for just a second, and then he wraps his arms around Ranmaru. “I hope it’s not that hard to believe when I say that I love you.”

Ranmaru sighs, but he wraps his arms back around Tokiya. “I know this entire situation is a shit show- but I love you, too.”


	45. Forty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; hoarding

“It’s a bit of a mess.” Tokiya had begun to lead Ranmaru in a different direction, away from his apartment, his hand interlacing with Ranmaru’s. 

Ranmaru clicks his tongue. “I’m startin’ ‘t wonder what you’re hidin’ from me, Toki.” He’d turn, watching Tokiya’s face with narrowed eyes. “We’re getting married and I haven’t been in your apartment once. We don’t even live together.” 

“Soon, my love.” Tokiya lifts Ranmaru’s hand, pressing a soft kiss against the back of it. “I promise.”

Ranmaru grunts, but he sounds disbelieving. “Guess we’ll just spend the night at my place then.” Ranmaru doesn’t add it, but Tokiya can almost hear him add the word ‘again’. 

Tokiya squeezes Ranmaru’s hand, apologetically, but Ranmaru drops the topic as they head towards his apartment, which is less than a few minutes away from Tokiya’s. 

This wasn’t the first, or the last time that Tokiya had made an excuse to keep Ranmaru from getting inside of his apartment. Ranmaru hadn’t even seen further in than the direct entry way, and usually no more than a glance, because Tokiya never opened the door very wide. There was never a ‘come inside and wait’, because Tokiya always steps outside, as soon as Ranmaru gets there. 

Ranmaru had proposed to Tokiya a few months ago, though he had told Tokiya that they wouldn’t be walking down the aisle until they were living under the same roof. Tokiya spent most of his nights with Ranmaru, but he always seemed to get nervous when they discussed Tokiya actually moving in. 

Ranmaru hadn’t been able to understand why- or to get Tokiya to explain it. And then Ranmaru’s air conditioner broke on one of the hottest days in the year, and even Ranmaru couldn’t stand it. He had thrown a few overnight things in a backpack, and then he texted Tokiya that he was coming over. He couldn’t stay the night in his home- unless he wanted to sleep in the fridge, and the repair man wouldn’t be coming over until the next day. Ranmaru knocks on Tokiya’s door, and Tokiya slips outside, his eyebrows furrowed. 

“Is everything alright, Ran?” Tokiya reaches out, holding onto Ranmaru’s forearm. 

Ranmaru clicks his tongue, and sighs. “My damn air conditioner blew. Would it be alright if I stayed at yer place for a night?” Tokiya’s guilty expression doesn’t surprise Ranmaru. Ranmaru had actually expected it- and he’d frown a bit. “Yeah.” His voice is a bit flat. “It’s fine. I’ll just head to a hotel.”

“Let me pay for it, alright?” Tokiya’s eyebrows pull in. “It’s the least I could do.”

“I didn’t expect you ‘t let me in.” Ranmaru admits, though his voice is a bit dry. “Just figured I’d ask. Don’t worry 'bout it.” 

“I’m sorry, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “I’d like to let you in- I just… I can’t.”

_”Why_?” Ranmaru had been about to move, but he was getting further with Tokiya than he normally did, and he wasn’t going to lose that. “Why can’t you let me?”

“It’s… a mess.” Tokiya hangs his head. “That sounds like a stupid excuse, I know, but it’s… it really has gotten out of control. …A mess is an understatement.” Tokiya gives a bitter, humorless laugh. 

Ranmaru gets quiet for a long minute, and his response is serious. “Show me.”

Tokiya wrings his hands, and his mouth opens, searching for an excuse, but Ranmaru cuts him off. 

“I mean it. I need 't see what you’re talkin' about.” Tokiya closes his eyes, sighing, and he turns around, opening the door. He’d step inside, not closing the door, but he seems embarrassed. It makes Ranmaru almost a bit nervous. 

When Ranmaru walks inside, he sees why. There’s hardly any room on the floor- and there are just stacks and stacks of _books_. There are more books than apartment. When Ranmaru gets further than the entry way, he’d have to walk sideways, to get further into the apartment. He’d drop his bag by the door, and he does. Tokiya doesn’t follow. He can’t bring himself to. 

Most open area was taken by books, and when Ranmaru finds Tokiya’s bed, he can hardly see it. One look makes it obvious that Tokiya wasn’t sleeping on the bed. It’s not a large apartment, which makes the hoard worse. The only open, usable area in Tokiya’s apartment is right in front of the door. Ranmaru has to catch stacks of books multiple times, to keep them from falling. When Ranmaru is back where Tokiya had been waiting, not looking at Ranmaru, Ranmaru notices a dining room chair, which seems to be the only clear piece of furniture. There’s barely even a path to the fridge, and getting to the bathroom would be a feat. 

“C’mon. Let’s go to a hotel.” Ranmaru mutters. “We can swing by my place so y'can grab clothes. I don’t wanna watch you climbin’ over everythin'.”

“I know it’s not good but I-”

Ranmaru’s look cuts him off. “I can’t let you stay 'ere, Toki. You don’t even have a place 't sleep. This isn’t _safe_, babe. We can talk about this more later, but you’re comin’ with me.” Ranmaru throws his bag back over his shoulder, and he grabs Tokiya by the hand, pulling him out. Ranmaru is the one to close the door, and he’d begin to pull Tokiya with him, to Ranmaru’s apartment. Tokiya is quiet on the walk, and Ranmaru eventually lets go of Tokiya’s hand to wrap his arm around Tokiya’s shoulders. When they’d get to Ranmaru’s apartment, Tokiya’s eyebrows would furrow. 

“How long has your air conditioner been broken?” Tokiya’s voice isn’t much more than a mumble, but it’s so _hot_ in the apartment that he has to say something. 

Ranmaru is already heading towards the drawer where Tokiya keeps his clothes. Tokiya hadn’t brought over a lot, but he had enough things at Ranmaru’s place to last him a few days without going to his own home. Ranmaru just adds Tokiya’s clothes to his own backpack, and he’d grab Tokiya’s toothbrush from his bathroom as well. “‘S been less 'n a day. It’s why I can’t stay 'ere tonight. If it’s this bad already, it’s only gonna get worse.” Tokiya nods as Ranmaru walks back towards him, taking his hand again. 

Ranmaru knew of a nearby hotel, and that’s where he brings Tokiya. It had been his back up plan. Tokiya has fallen silent again, and Ranmaru takes care of getting the room, Tokiya standing by his side, a bit stiffly. Ranmaru takes the key with a gruff, “Thanks.” And he’d have led Tokiya up to the third floor. When Ranmaru gets into the room, he holds the door open for Tokiya and he’d let the door close, tossing his bag into a chair and taking off his shoes. He’d sit on the bed, and he’d put his hand down next to him. “C’mon. Sit down. We’ve gotta talk about this.”

Tokiya hesitates in making his way to the bed, his head hung, but he’d eventually make his way to sitting with Ranmaru. “I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “It’s disgusting, I know.”

“‘M more worried about yer livin' conditions.” Ranmaru’s voice is just as serious as Tokiya’s. “Your bed was covered, there were barely any paths and nothin’ seemed stable.”

“...I’ve gotten hurt a few times.” Tokiya admits as he wipes harshly at his eyes with the back of his hands. “Sprained wrists or bruises from falling books. This… this is why I couldn’t let you in. And I couldn’t move in with you because what would I do about all of that stuff? It wasn’t always that bad… It just kept getting worse, and worse- and now it’s…”

“Bad.” Ranmaru says grimly. “Y'can’t live like that, 'n I can’t let you. That’s just not… livable, Toki. I’m gonna have you start stayin' with me. We can start workin' together, ‘t start gettin’ things outta there.”

Tokiya swallows hard, and he looks down. “Are you sure you _want_ me living with you? You’ve seen, now, how I live by myself.”

“I’m not gonna let you get this bad again, babe. I think it’ll be good. 'T start again.”

“It’s going to take years. I couldn’t ask you to help me clean that mess.” Tokiya’s smile is humorless. 

“It’s gonna be a lot easier if I help ya. And if y'let it get that bad, I think you’re gonna have some trouble just takin' care 'a it. I dunno much about this stuff- but I know that when it starts gettin' like that, it’s more 'n just a couple ‘a bad decisions.”

Tokiya gets quiet, his eyes moving down to the bed spread. “...Are you angry with me?”

Ranmaru gets quiet for a long moment. “‘M angry that you were livin’ like that ‘n you didn’t ask anyone for help. I know that it’s not easy- but Jesus, Toki. We’re gonna get _married_, ‘n you’re sleepin’ in a fuckin’ dining room chair because you can’t even get ‘t your bed.” Ranmaru sighs, running his hands over his face. “‘M not tryin’ ‘t judge you, either, babe. When you’re this far deep in ‘ta it, I don’t think it’s just a ‘lil bit of a collection gone wrong. I think it’s somethin’ you can’t control. I’m not tryin’ ‘t sound like an asshole when I say this, but I think this is somethin’ ya need ‘t talk to someone about.”

“I know it’s gotten… a bit out of control.” Tokiya’s head drops into his hands. “And it’s mortifying. Far too mortifying to go talk to a complete stranger about, Ran. Whether they’ve dealt with it or not.”

“Toki, look at me.” Ranmaru’s hands move, to tilt Tokiya’s chin up and away from the shield he had created with his hands. “It’s not even the _stuff_ ‘m worried about. It’s the reason _why_ you haven’t gotten rid ‘a anything, ‘n the safety hazards, ‘n the fact that ya can’t even get ‘t half ‘a yer apartment ‘n you haven’t even _told_ anyone about it. What if one ‘a those piles had fallen ‘n you got hurt ‘n didn’t have your phone on you?” Ranmaru’s hands move, to cradle Tokiya’s face in both of his hands. He leans in close, their noses nearly touching, and his eyebrows draw in. “If I had any clue how bad it was, you’d ‘ve been stayin’ at my place way before this. The thought ‘a you livin’ there fuckin’ _terrifies_ me, Toki. It’s not _liveable_. Not the way it is. Your living room was a _hallway_.” 

“I never wanted you to see it.” Tokiya admits quietly, unable to keep his eyes on Ranmaru’s. “I knew that it was bad, and I knew that you’d be disappointed.”

Ranmaru sighs, clicking his tongue softly. “‘M not disappointed. I’m worried. There’s a huge difference. It’s not like this is you just bein’ lazy, Toki, it’s a serious issue. Look- I’m droppin’ all ‘a the times ya wouldn’t let me in, okay? For now, all we’re gonna focus on is gettin’ your place cleaned up, ‘n makin’ sure we don’t ever let it get that bad again.” Ranmaru shifts, so that he can pull Tokiya closer, getting Tokiya onto his lap in a gesture that makes Tokiya flush, holding onto Ranmaru with his arms around his neck. “You’re gonna move in with me. We’ll clean your place, ‘n take some ‘a your stuff, ‘n when your place is clean, we’ll start plannin’ for our wedding.”

“Really?” There’s an undeniable happiness, showing through Tokiya’s eyes that reflects in Ranmaru’s grin. 

Ranmaru doesn’t respond- choosing to lean down, pulling Tokiya into a deep kiss that ends with Ranmaru’s tongue in Tokiya’s mouth and a long moment afterwards where they both have to catch their breath. 

Ranmaru’s apartment’s air conditioner gets fixed mid-afternoon the next day, and they’re back inside of it that night. Due to Tokiya’s current lack of clothes, Ranmaru throws Tokiya’s dirty clothes in the washer that night and gives Tokiya some of his own clothes to sleep in- which was something fairly normal. Tokiya loved sleeping in Ranmaru’s clothes. Though, when Ranmaru tosses Tokiya a sweatshirt of his, Tokiya frowns and Ranmaru catches it. 

“What?”

Tokiya chews on his lip for a second- though he stops at Ranmaru’s stern look, and he sighs. “You lent me a sweatshirt some time ago, and it’s lost among all of the books.”

Ranmaru takes a hard look- realizing that the true feelings behind Tokiya’s thoughts were guilt. Ranmaru walks closer, ruffling Tokiya’s hair. “We’ll find it.” Ranmaru promises. “It’s somewhere in there.”

“I hope we do.” Tokiya says quietly, finally slipping the shirt over his head. 

The first day of cleaning is an unannounced day. Tokiya had stressed himself out over the thought of Ranmaru entering the apartment, and he became anxious. He didn’t want Ranmaru to help him clean, because it really was worse, getting into it. 

Not to mention- he wasn’t sure how he’d handle parting with his books. 

When he goes to try to clean some himself, he learns that it isn’t well. He’s in tears only twenty minutes into sorting, as he forcibly parts with books, putting them in donate bins. 

His other evident issue is that he can’t stay in one place, either. He knows he _should_ start on the outside, but he quickly got overwhelmed, and chose to head further into his apartment. Eventually, he had fumbled, tripping over a stack that wasn’t as well put together as some of the others, and in it falling down, it had knocked down another stack as well. Tokiya sits on the floor, and he thinks that everything hurts, but his head especially, from where the first few books had landed. He lays on the floor, covered in books and in tears. 

It takes him a long time to get himself up, but he’s in pain, and he’s not able to continue cleaning that day. 

As he’s making his way back to Ranmaru’s, his headache increases ten-fold, and he also realizes that he’s missed a call from Ranmaru, and he’s gotten a text. 

It doesn’t seem like much, but Tokiya was very good at answering his phone, and Ranmaru rarely texted Tokiya. He must be worried. Tokiya doesn’t bother calling him back, choosing to instead just make his way directly to Ranmaru’s apartment. 

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow from his spot on the couch, the seat closest to the door, but his eyes widen after getting a look at Tokiya, pushing himself to his feet. “Shit! You’re covered in bruises.” Ranmaru’s made his way to Tokiya, taking Tokiya’s right arm- the one that got the worst of it. He had tried to shield himself. “What the fuck were you doing?”

Tokiya’s answer comes quietly, and his tone is one of defeat. “I was trying to start sorting through my books.”

Ranmaru watches Tokiya’s face for a long second, and then Ranmaru’s expression darkens. “‘N they fell on you.” It’s not a question, but Tokiya nods. “How bad is it?”

“My head really hurts.” Tokiya admits quietly. Ranmaru carefully tips Tokiya’s chin up. 

“You were cryin’. Is it hospital bad?”

“No. No, no, it’s not that bad.” Tokiya reassures quickly. “It’s not. Really. I… I was crying before they fell. It wasn’t the blow.”

“Why?” It’s a question, but Ranmaru seems like he already knows the answer. 

Tokiya hesitates for a long moment before he finally answers, his words coming slowly. “It’s hard.” He finally says. “It’s hard to get rid of any of them.”

Ranmaru sighs. “Yeah.” He frowns. “That’s why I didn’t want you doin’ it alone. I especially don’t want you tryin’ to do it alone now. Look- next time you go, I want you ‘t either bring me, or we can call a team ‘t come help.”

“That sounds expensive.” Tokiya frowns. 

“Well if it’s pay money ‘t help it get done or have you goin’ in ‘n hurtin’ yourself, I’d rather pay. Better a team than medical bills, Toki.”

“...Alright.”

“Now-” Ranmaru pulls Tokiya further into the apartment, trying to be careful of the forming bruises. “We _should_ fuckin’ ice your whole body, but I don’t think I’ve got enough ice fer that, so we’re gonna have ‘ta settle for your head.”

It’s only about a week later when Ranmaru and Tokiya both head back to his apartment. Tokiya had at least set up boxes. 

“Alright. You tell me how you wanna do this.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s your stuff, Toki. We’re gonna have ‘t get rid ‘a most of it- but if you need the final decision on all of ‘em, I’ll let you do it. I don’t wanna trash everythin’, because that’s not gonna fix anything. I’d like ‘t think I could make decisions you’d be fine with, but the point ‘a this is ‘t make it as painless on you as possible.”

Tokiya pauses, but his hand moves to Ranmaru’s forearm before pulling Ranmaru closer, his arms wrapping around him. 

“What’s this for?” Ranmaru mumbles, though he doesn’t hesitate to hug Tokiya back. 

“You’re being unfairly patient with me.” Tokiya says quietly. “Thank you.”

“Dunno that I’d say _unfairly_. I told ya. This is serious. Y’don’t go up ‘t someone with depression ‘n tell ‘em that they’re bein’ over dramatic ‘n they just need to _stop_ bein’ sad. If I don’t handle this right, what’s gonna keep you from gettin’ this bad again?”

Tokiya nods, but it takes him a long moment to let go of Ranmaru. 

It isn’t long into it that Tokiya starts to get upset- even though it’s a bit easier, with Ranmaru. Tokiya had told Ranmaru that he could make decisions- and it was good that he did, because Tokiya had a hard enough time deciding between the books Ranmaru gave him. Ranmaru insisted on being the one to lower the stacks, going through the titles quickly and handing books to Tokiya to decide on. By the time Tokiya had decided, Ranmaru had another short stack for him to go through. It actually was going fairly smoothly, until Tokiya had gotten so upset that he was having trouble sorting through them. 

“Babe.” Ranmaru offers a hand to Tokiya, who is sitting on the floor to sort through them. Tokiya takes Ranmaru’s hand, and Ranmaru pulls Tokiya up. “Let’s calm you down ‘n go get lunch, yeah?” Ranmaru’s thumb swipes across Tokiya’s cheek to catch a few tears. 

Tokiya’s hand moves, holding onto Ranmaru’s shirt. “We’re never going to finish if we stop every time I get upset.”

“We don’t have a time limit, Toki. We can go eat, ‘n come back ‘n work a ‘lil more ‘n then stop for the day, and then we can come back at it tomorrow. If y’get upset, what’s gonna stop ya from making rash decisions ‘n being even more upset over it?”

Tokiya pauses, but then he nods. 

Ranmaru leans forward, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. “Good. Now what d’ya wanna eat?”

It takes almost a month, because Ranmaru really does stop Tokiya when Tokiya gets to the point of tears- usually frustrated ones. Ranmaru never gets on Tokiya, even when he sometimes changes his mind, or takes things out of the bin- though he reminds Tokiya not to do it too often. Ranmaru was convinced that Tokiya was doing well, even though Tokiya doesn’t know that he agrees. The longer they go, the longer it takes Tokiya to become upset, and then they start really making process. There are, however, a few days that Ranmaru stops him before he even gets upset, trying to remind Tokiya that he doesn’t need to rush this, and he didn’t want Tokiya to get tired or frustrated while he was working. 

“You should become a therapist.” Tokiya mumbles, wrapping Ranmaru’s arm over his shoulders, which makes Ranmaru raise an eyebrow at him. “There’s a show about this thing, yes?” Tokiya’s voice gets teasing. “Did you study it when you learned about this?” 

Ranmaru snorts. “You think too highly ‘a me. Maybe I just really wanted ‘t marry you, ‘n I figured that handling this the right way was the best way ‘t do it.”

Tokiya can’t help but to laugh. “What a monster. I should have known your evil plans were to spend the rest of your life with me.”

“What can I say? ‘M a real story book villain.” 

Tokiya moves closer to Ranmaru’s side, and Ranmaru’s arm tightens around Tokiya’s shoulders. They were in the doorway of Tokiya’s clean apartment. They had two bins full of books to donate, and two bins of books Tokiya wanted to keep. They had already donated quite a few bins of books. They had swept, and vacuumed, and Ranmaru had stolen Tokiya’s sheets to wash them- and the apartment looked _good_. Tokiya could get to his dresser, and his bed and his bathroom with no problem. 

Tokiya had a _TV_. He had forgotten. 

Tokiya was currently in the sweatshirt that he had found, under the books on his bed. Ranmaru made him wash it before he let Tokiya wear it.

“I know I’m living at your place-” Which was a very true statement- all of Tokiya’s clothes were already back at Ranmaru’s apartment, and they were going to be moving the books soon. Ranmaru had actually ordered a bookshelf for Tokiya, that they had spent two days trying to build together with a varying degree of success before they finally deemed it safe for use. “But maybe we should take a nap on the bed. I’m excited to see it again.” 

Ranmaru gives an amused scoff. “When ‘ve I ever denied a nap?”

Tokiya smiles at Ranmaru, and Ranmaru’s expression softens as he smiles back. Tokiya slips out from under Ranmaru’s arm, but he grabs Ranmaru’s hand on the way to the bed. Tokiya pulls back the sheets, climbing further onto the bed. It’s a twin sized mattress, but that wasn’t likely to stop either of them, even though when Ranmaru gets into the bed they’re almost laying on top of each other. 

Ranmaru pulls the blankets up and wraps Tokiya in his arms, holding him closely. Luckily, Ranmaru was very still in his sleep, so with him holding Tokiya, neither of them were likely to fall off. 

“Thank you, Ran. I never would have gotten this done without you. I hope I didn’t make you do too much work.”

“It was a weird bonding experience.” Ranmaru grunts. “But your apartment’s clean, we’re never gonna let it get this bad again, hopefully I helped you, ‘n now we can get married. ‘N you look happy. ‘S been like a month of us bein’ in here, ‘n the past few days are the only days I’ve seen you look _relieved_, if not _happy_.”

“You’ve been unbelievably patient with me.”

“‘Course I was. I don’t get this, babe, but I’m not gonna shame you for it. You were havin’ a real rough time. What kinda dick would get annoyed with you when you’re really tryin’. I thought it’d be harder, ‘t get you involved in cleaning this- or even ‘t let me get involved. But we did it, ‘n I’m real proud of you, Toki.”

Tokiya presses closer to Ranmaru, his face pressing into Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“I can’t even begin to explain how much that means to hear that from you, Ran.” Tokiya smiles, and his voice turns teasing, though it’s still a bit muffled by Ranmaru’s shirt. “I _guess_ that you’ve forced my hand. I suppose I’ll marry you.”

Ranmaru snorts. “After all that work? You better.” Ranmaru grins, and Tokiya can hear it just from the tone of his voice as his chin rests on the top of Tokiya’s hair. “Now go ‘t sleep. You’ve got me all excited for this nap, ‘n I’m takin’ it.”


	46. Forty-Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; violence/injury, religious references

Tokiya was an angel. He and his partner, Ranmaru, were in charge of watching over a young girl- the child of an angel and a demon, who was being targeted by the demons. 

If the demons were to find the girl, they would kill her at best, and corrupt her at worst. So long as she stayed away from the demons, the angels wouldn’t be after her. It was Ranmaru and Tokiya’s job to keep the demons far away from the girl. Her name was Kira, a cute, happy-go-lucky girl of twelve with curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes. Neither of her parents were around- the angel and demon having both been killed by the demons, as punishment for the demon being with an angel, so Tokiya and Ranmaru had virtually become the girl’s fathers. 

Tokiya and Ranmaru were partners in multiple definitions of the word. They had been partners in their work for hundreds of years, and had been romantic partners for nearly as long. They usually did protection missions, but watching a part-angel part-demon child was certainly new. 

Ranmaru was the fighter between them. Tokiya knew how to fight, of course, because Ranmaru would have never let him put himself in danger without knowing how to fight- but Tokiya was still encouraged to run when he could. 

They usually watched Kira together, but there were times when they had small jobs that they had no choice but to take on, and Kira would be left under the care of only one of them. 

Today, it was Tokiya’s turn to watch her. That’s why he was stood, his snow white wings spread to their full, ten foot span, watching the approaching demons carefully. His voice is demanding, more forceful than his usual polite, calm demeanor. 

“Leave. Go somewhere safe and call Ran.” 

“But-”

“Go.” Tokiya’s voice is a command. One that even Kira wouldn’t argue on, backing up and finally taking off running. Tokiya doesn't move, his wings still in place as a shield, hiding the path of her escape. 

“She won’t be safe for long, bird-brain.” One of the three demons taunts. “Move out of the way and we’ll let you live.”

“You’ll get her over my dead body.” Tokiya’s voice is flat. 

“We can arrange that.”

Tokiya can’t fight easily with his wings spread out, and between trying to hide the child's whereabouts from sight with his wings and Tokiya being against three, he’d lose quickly. Especially when they’d get him close enough to a wall, stabbing a pipe through his wing and pinning him to the drywall of the side of a nearby house. Tokiya tries to curl in his free wing, but they don’t take long to straighten it and do the same to this one, albeit with a hunting knife. Tokiya is already in immense pain- too much to free himself or flee.

“Cut ‘em off and take him with us.” 

Tokiya’s eyes widen at the phrasing, but despite his increased struggle, he can’t get himself free before one of the demons slash through his left wing, near the base, leaving nothing but blood, bone and a stub. Tokiya’s cry of anguish is chilling, and it’s only worse when they do the same to his other wing. He can’t fight them when they pull him with them. It's already too much to just stay on his feet, and he's already being drug as it is.

Tokiya is brought to a building on Earth. 

Angels can’t be brought to hell, so the demons will just bring it to him. 

Tokiya is chained up in the basement of the abandoned building, the chain wrapped around his neck and wrists tight enough to leave a mark, and he's left. Tokiya can feel the blood, trailing down his back. He can move what little was left of his wings, but not without a nearly unbearable pain. 

Tokiya cries. 

What hurts him most about that is that he knows Ranmaru can tell. Partnering with an angel is one of the strongest bonds in existence- and when one partner is under severe duress, the other one knows. Unfortunately, without Ranmaru knowing Tokiya's location, he's stuck with the knowledge but is powerless to do anything about it.

Normally, when Tokiya is this upset and he's alone, he’d have wrapped his wings around himself, to hide in his own bubble.

He no longer had that escape. 

Tokiya couldn’t even make his way back to Heaven if he wanted to. He had no way to get there. And he was in too much pain to even try to get enough strength to break the chains he was bound with. 

He barely had the strength to stand when he sees Ranmaru, but he still manages to. Tokiya stumbles to his feet, not bothering to hide his tears. 

Ranmaru approaches him, and Tokiya strains to get closer. “Come on, Ichinose. We’ve gotta get outta here.”

Tokiya stills, and he backs away, just before he gets close enough to touch Ranmaru, and a devastated expression flashes across his face. 

“Are… are you mad at me for this?” Ranmaru never used Tokiya’s last name, unless he was livid. And even then, it was usually his _full_ name.

Ranmaru’s face softens, too much and too quickly. He’d look panicked. “What? No, no, of course I’m not mad at you!” 

Tokiya backs further into the wall. His lip trembles and his voice breaks. “Please leave.”

“What? I can’t just leave you here.”

Tokiya shakes his head, and he slides back down the wall, ignoring the ripping pain as what's left of his wings press against the bricks, looking at the floor until he finally looks up to see that no one was there. 

Tokiya felt too tired to cry. 

It must be at least a day before Ranmaru comes again. 

“Toki, babe, we need ‘t get outta here.” Tokiya’s hopes lift, especially with the way Ranmaru rushes at him, immediately dropping to break the chains on Tokiya. 

Tokiya had been trembling, of cold and pain, and he’d hold onto Ranmaru’s shirt. “I’m cold, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice breaks.

This wasn't an abnormal request. This was Tokiya's excuse anytime he wanted Ranmaru to wrap his wings around him- whether it be because he was sad, lonely, afraid, tired or actually cold. 

“We’re gonna get you out of here.” Ranmaru repeats, his voice a mumble. Tokiya feels something soft wrap around his shoulders, and Tokiya’s heart falls. Ranmaru’s wings were white. 

They should have been grey. 

Tokiya doesn’t mention it. He plays along. 

If they knew to change Ranmaru’s wings, Tokiya was afraid that he may not be able to tell the difference. Not that he was sure that Ranmaru would even be able to find him. He had Kira to watch over by himself now. 

“The kid ran off after they got you. We need 't find 'er.” 

Tokiya knew what they were doing. He’d idly stroke through Ranmaru’s white wing. They were trying to figure out spots where she might be. Tokiya was probably still sitting on the floor of the building. 

What a sick trick. Using someone as important as Ranmaru to trick Tokiya into helping them kill as rude child.

“I think I know somewhere we can check.” Tokiya mumbles. “The bridge. She runs there sometimes, when she’s scared.”

Tokiya already knew that this wasn’t Ranmaru, but when Ranmaru picks him up, his hand on Tokiya’s upper back, Tokiya really knows. It was much less romantic and gentle to have Tokiya slung over Ranmaru’s shoulder, but Ranmaru would know that Tokiya was hurt. Even if he couldn’t see Tokiya’s wings, or what was left of them, he would know from the way Tokiya held himself. How off balance Tokiya was. The amount of pain that was clear on his face, even with the absence of any obvious injuries. Tokiya doesn’t say anything, as they go to the bridge, Ranmaru flying Tokiya. 

Ranmaru hadn’t have even set Tokiya down before he spoke up. “I don’t think she’s 'ere. Any other ideas?” 

“Wait. We should at least look.”

Ranmaru gets quiet for a split second, and then he’d nod. “Yeah. You’re right. Let’s look fast.”

Ranmaru sets Tokiya down. “If you want fast, you check there and I’ll check here.”

When Ranmaru nods, leaving Tokiya, Tokiya is reminded of two things. The first is how he really must be on the floor of the building, or he’s a very good actor, because if he were really outside, he could just run for it. Not that he’d get far without his wings. The second is how this definitely isn’t Ranmaru. 

Tokiya was hurt, and he had been saved less than twenty minutes ago. Even searching for Kira, there was absolutely no chance Ranmaru would leave him by himself. Not even ten feet away from him. 

If Tokiya got _two_ feet away from Ranmaru after this for at least a few months, he'd be lucky. If he ever saw Ranmaru again, that was.

Tokiya heads to the bridge, quickly and quietly climbing over, and letting himself fall. 

He’s back on the floor of the basement the second he hits the water. 

They send Ranmaru over and over again, but Tokiya stops going with him. 

Tokiya just looks at Ranmaru, when he approaches Tokiya. It was a normal thing. Ranmaru looks horrified, and worried, and he’d tell Tokiya that they were going to leave. 

“Fuck, I’ve finally found you.” Ranmaru sighs, moving to Tokiya and breaking the chains. “‘M sorry it took me so fucking long.” Ranmaru puts his hand on Tokiya’s cheek, moving Tokiya’s face to look at it. 

When Tokiya doesn’t respond, or move, Ranmaru makes a noise, almost a growl, but there’s a lot of worry in it. Ranmaru reaches forward, to pull Tokiya. 

Ranmaru wasn’t normally this aggressive, when they sent him to Tokiya. Maybe they were switching their style. 

“I’m cold, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse and quiet. 

“We’ve gotta get outta here, Toki.” Ranmaru sounds a bit exasperated, but Tokiya still feels Ranmaru’s wing wrap around his shoulders. Tokiya turns his head, and he’d sob when he saw the ash grey wing wrapped over his shoulder. At first, he just holds Ranmaru's wing to the side of his face, too far gone to even care how he's soaking it. He’d finally move, wrapping his arms around Ranmaru’s neck. 

"You're hurt." Ranmaru mumbles. "Where?"

“My wings are gone. I can’t fly.”

“What do you mean _gone_?” Ranmaru’s voice is careful. 

“I’ll tell you later. I want us to leave. Please.” 

Ranmaru picks Tokiya up, with a hand on his lower back, holding him carefully against his chest. Ranmaru’s hand wouldn’t go near Tokiya’s upper back. 

Tokiya didn’t _want_ to walk. He wanted to be carried by Ranmaru- but he also needed to check that they hadn’t just gotten their facts right, finally. “I can at least wal-”

“Shut up.” Ranmaru’s interruption is final. “You’re not walking. Not after this.”

“And Kira?” 

“She’s safe. Left her with someone trustworthy. I needed ‘t find you, but I wouldn’t put 'er in danger 't do it.”

Tokiya finally quiets, holding onto Ranmaru. As soon as they’re outside, Ranmaru takes off, bringing Tokiya home. 

“’M just gonna leave her there for a night 'r two, ‘t take care ‘a you, okay?” The flight had been quiet, but Ranmaru’s talking again now that they’re back.

“Okay.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. He had been through rough times before, but he had never been _tortured_ quite like this. 

“Tell me what happened, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is serious. “What did y’mean that your wings were go-” Ranmaru cuts off, when Tokiya pulls out what was left of his wings, and a livid expression crosses Ranmaru’s face. 

“They cut them off, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is shaking, and his lip trembles. “They found us, and I told Kira to run, and they cut off my wings and chained me up in that building. They kept sending versions of you- illusions of some sort, to try to get me to tell them where Kira might be.” Tokiya wipes at his eyes harshly. “I didn’t tell them anything. They kept getting the color of your wings wrong.”

Ranmaru pulls Tokiya forward, so his head presses against Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“‘M gonna talk to the higher ups.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. Grim. “I’m gonna get her reassigned.”

“She’s been with us for twelve years. We can’t just leave her-” Tokiya sobs into Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“I care about her, too, babe.” Ranmaru sighs. “I know that she feels like our kid, but we’ve gotta remember that she’s not. We can get her somewhere safer, for both ‘a your sakes. I wanna watch over you for a while. You’re hurt, and you’re at a disadvantage, and if it came down ‘t it, I couldn’t keep both of you safe. And I’m not choosing. At the end ‘a the day- she’s a job. Eventually, they’re gonna figure out exactly what they’re gonna do with her, and she’s not gonna be our responsibility anymore. You’re always gonna be my partner. We can get her more angels ‘t watch over her, and then we’re never gonna be in a situation where I’m gonna have to decide to condemn one of you.”

“That-”

“Don’t say it wouldn’t happen.” Ranmaru cuts Tokiya off, his voice serious. “Because you can’t just leave anymore, Toki. We couldn’t even run. Not with both 'a you. 'N they’ve made it pretty obvious that they’ll take you, too. ‘N what happens if they decide that they’d rather just kill you? I’ve already told you that I care about the kid, but I… I don’t know who I’d choose, if I had to.”

“It should be her.” Tokiya says weakly. 

“But I’m not any more alright with lettin’ you die, Tokiya.”

Tokiya gets quiet for a long moment. “Can’t we take some time to think about this?”

“Sorry, babe. ’M puttin' my foot down on this. I can’t watch you both.”

“You keep saying that, but you don’t need to watch me.” Tokiya sounds almost desperate. 

“I left you alone and they _cut off your wings_.” Tokiya gets quiet. “I’ll talk to 'em tomorrow. Right now, I need 't take care 'a yer wings. They’re not healing, they’re just infected.”

Ranmaru makes Tokiya lie on his stomach, and he’d do what he could for Tokiya’s wings. It wasn’t a simple task, because Tokiya’s wings pull in any time Ranmaru tries to touch them, and holding them still was painful. 

Tokiya cries, as Ranmaru cleans what was left of his wings, and as he cleans the blood from Tokiya's back.

Tokiya loved his wings. He liked the jobs, the convenience, and doing what he felt was the right thing, but his favorite part of being promoted to an angel were the wings. 

He loved when Ranmaru pet through his wings, or helped Tokiya groom them. He liked when it was cold outside, and Ranmaru was sleeping, when Tokiya would drape a wing over Ranmaru, in the way Ranmaru often did for him. 

Tokiya liked hiding in his wings, when he was afraid, or embarrassed, or sleepy and trying to hide it. 

When Ranmaru had finished, carefully wrapping bandages around what was left of Tokiya’s wings, he lays down in bed with Tokiya, his wing hovering over Tokiya. 

“I know you’re worried about her, but she’s fine, Toki. Take at least tonight ‘t just worry about yourself.”

Tokiya doesn’t say anything, but he presses himself against Ranmaru, relaxing in Ranmaru’s grip when Ranmaru holds him closer. 

In Tokiya’s dream, he’s back in the basement. It makes him disoriented and scared when he wakes up, torn between trying to move away from Ranmaru and trying to move closer. But in the end, Ranmaru was stronger than Tokiya, and his wings were even stronger than his arms. With the way that Tokiya was enveloped, there was no way to leave. Tokiya’s shifting would wake Ranmaru up, and Ranmaru’s grip would tighten further, trapping Tokiya between his wing and his chest. “Keep calm, babe.” Ranmaru’s voice is tired, and he still sounds partly asleep. “You’re safe.”

Tokiya lets his head fall forward onto Ranmaru’s chest, and he’d cry. He’s afraid that it isn’t really Ranmaru. That he was dreaming now, and he was really still in the basement. Ranmaru’s hand raises to the back of Tokiya’s head, his wing pressing closer to Tokiya, fully enclosing him, almost like a blanket. Tokiya’s hand moves to Ranmaru’s shoulder blade, petting through the feathers near the base of Ranmaru’s wings until his cries had turned into nothing more than sniffles. 

“I’m not even an angel anymore.” Tokiya says weakly. “I’m significantly weaker, and I don’t even have wings. I’m nothing more than a human with a longer life span.”

“Your wings don’t make you, Toki. If I ever run into the fuckin’ demons that touched you, I’m gonna kill them. But that doesn’t change the fact that you're not fuckin' less because 'a this."

"I'm useless to you now." Tokiya mumbles miserably. 

"What the fuck 'r you talkin’ about?" Ranmaru sounds angry, his wing pressing tighter against Tokiya. "I wasn't with you because you had _wings_. I'm _with_ you ‘cause I fuckin' love you." Ranmaru's hand moves to cradle Tokiya's cheek, tilting Tokiya's head with a touch far more gentle than his tone. "We're life partners, Toki, 'n I don't take that term lightly."

Tokiya manages an almost teasing smile- though he can’t help the flicker in it. His voice doesn’t quite meet the playful tone he’s going for, but he does his best to keep his voice from falling flat. “You really are an angel, Ran.”

Ranmaru’s huff is exasperated, with just enough amusement to keep Tokiya from regretting his joke. Ranmaru presses an almost aggressive kiss to Tokiya’s forehead before moving his hand back down to Tokiya’s waist, and Tokiya lets himself relax against Ranmaru. Ranmaru lets the silence settle for a long moment, and then he sighs. “‘M gonna take you with me tomorrow. I don’t wanna leave you alone in the apartment right now.”

“Alright.” Tokiya relents easily. He’d feel better, sticking with Ranmaru right now anyways- especially with the alternative of being left alone in his current home. Tokiya imagined that this one might be longer than just temporary- considering he couldn’t travel back and forth much. 

Without his wings, it might be easier to just stay on Earth. Especially if Ranmaru decides to take on jobs. 

“We’re going to have to take on more jobs.” Tokiya’s voice is barely audible. “To make up for giving up this one.”

“Not fer a while.” Ranmaru’s tone holds no room for argument. “‘M waitin’ until I feel like you’re safe, ‘n maybe a few fuckin’ years after that I’ll consider.” Ranmaru sighs, his thumb running over Tokiya’s side. “I’m sorry, babe, but I can’t send you on jobs anymore. ‘M not tryin’ ‘t punish you, for what happened, but-” Ranmaru’s eyebrows draw in, and his voice drops. “I was waitin’- for the horrible feelin’ that would mean that you didn’t make it, ‘n that I was too late. Just a fuckin’ taste of losing you is more ‘n I ever wanna go through again.”

Tokiya stays silent this time. 

Tokiya didn’t agree. He didn’t want to never go on a job again- he wanted to continue sticking by Ranmaru as his partner in every possible way he could, but there wasn’t a point in arguing with Ranmaru about this. Tokiya scared Ranmaru. Of course, it wasn’t Tokiya’s _fault_\- but Tokiya couldn’t even entertain the idea of their roles being reversed, and he knows he’d be upset, if Ranmaru fought him on it. 

So he doesn’t. 

“Y’should try ‘t get some more sleep, babe.” Ranmaru mutters, his voice softer. “Wake me up if y’have another nightmare.” Tokiya nods, and Ranmaru presses another kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. It’s a nice feeling, and the warmth in it spreads down to Tokiya’s chest. 

Tokiya doesn’t wake up until he’s woken himself up. Ranmaru’s already awake, but he’s been careful not to shift Tokiya, though his wings have folded back. Even after Tokiya has woken up Ranmaru just lays in bed with him, quiet as he lets Tokiya fully wake up.

“We’ve gotta go soon, babe.” Ranmaru mumbles, and Tokiya nods. A pang of hurt flashes through his chest. Getting there wouldn’t be fun. Tokiya would much rather fly himself.

Tokiya is slow with getting dressed- though as both men dress, Tokiya notices he keeps bumping into Ranmaru. He doesn’t say anything, because he knows the proximity is on purpose. 

“I’ll try ‘t make this quick.” Ranmaru promises. Tokiya follows him outside, clinging onto Ranmaru’s hand, but when they’re fully outside, Ranmaru picks him up. Tokiya’s arms wrap around Ranmaru’s neck, and he closes his eyes when Ranmaru takes off. 

It’s a smooth ride- which doesn’t surprise Tokiya. With his eyes closed, he can barely tell that they aren’t on the ground. And when they land- Tokiya doesn’t realize they do, not opening his eyes. 

“We’re here.” Ranmaru’s hand gently squeezes Tokiya’s side, where it was resting. Tokiya nods, but he doesn’t release his hold on Ranmaru until Ranmaru has set Tokiya down. 

The other angels glance at them- at first, suspicious. It was possible to take a human to Heaven, but heavily frowned upon. But their expressions turn into something a bit like pity, realizing that Tokiya _was_ an angel, and only assuming why he hadn’t flown himself. Tokiya ducks his head, but Ranmaru’s arm wraps around Tokiya’s shoulders, pulling him closer. Tokiya glances at Ranmaru’s face- and Ranmaru’s expression seems almost stern. 

Ranmaru leads Tokiya to a room, and then he frowns. 

“I know.” Tokiya says quietly. “I’ll stay out here.”

“It’ll be quick.” Ranmaru says grimly. 

They may have been working together- but there was a well known rule that entering the mission center was a one angel at a time thing. The exceptions were just as rare as the exceptions of humans in Heaven. Tokiya leans against the wall near the door. Ranmaru gives Tokiya a long look, and then he walks into the room. 

Tokiya can’t hear anything from the inside. He wonders if maybe he should have tried to convince Ranmaru one more time to not drop this mission- because it was a very important one. Clearly. 

Tokiya knows a decent amount of time has passed, though he isn’t sure just how long it had been when Ranmaru walks out. It would be clear to even a complete stranger that Ranmaru was upset- but Tokiya can tell just how deep it runs. Ranmaru looks _livid_. Tokiya steps forward as soon as the door is closed, his fingers brushing over Ranmaru’s bicep. “Talk to me, Ran.” He says softly. “What’s wrong?”

“I’ll tell ya when we’re back.” Ranmaru grumbles. His voice is too low. Tokiya hesitates, but he nods. Ranmaru has barely gotten outside of the building when he scoops Tokiya up, but he waits until Tokiya has situated himself before he takes off. He doesn’t let Tokiya go, even walking inside. He just shifts Tokiya to open the door, kicking it closed behind himself and moving to the couch. He just settles down, Tokiya on his lap.

“What happened, darling?” Tokiya asks softly, curling into Ranmaru. 

It was easy, to forget Tokiya’s own problems, when Ranmaru was upset. Tokiya could ignore the exhaustion, from his restless sleep, and the ache from his missing wings. 

Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. “We’re still on the mission.” His voice is grim. “I told ‘em what happened ‘n they gave me a deal I couldn’t refuse.”

“...Oh?” Tokiya’s eyes are just a bit too wide in his surprise. 

Ranmaru sighs, his eyes closing. “They said that if we finished the mission, they’d figure out a way ‘t give ya back your wings.”

“What?” 

Ranmaru nods, his eyes opening, focusing on Tokiya’s face. Tokiya can see the anger burning behind the expression. “I told ‘em that we’d finish the mission if they gave ‘em back now, ‘n they tried ‘t blame you, fer gettin’ caught. Tried ‘t tell me that meant y’failed the mission ‘n that you were lucky they were offerin’ it at all. If I knew any other fuckin’ way ‘t get your wings back, I’d’ve done that. ...But I told ‘em we’d do it. I also told ‘em that if anythin’ fuckin’ happened ‘t you because they held back your wings that there’d be hell to pay.” Ranmaru’s shoulders slump, and Tokiya shifts, trying to press himself closer. He knew this was hard on Ranmaru- being as angry as he was and having nothing that he could do about it. “I would’a said no, but I know how upset you are about it, ‘n I didn’t wanna ruin your chances.”

“A few more years, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, though his hand raises, to press to Ranmaru’s cheek. “I’ll be careful.”

Ranmaru sighs. “‘M just gonna have ‘ta watch over both ‘a you.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, and his forehead presses to the side of Ranmaru’s neck. “I know it wasn’t an easy decision, and I can’t imagine that they were easy to deal with- but I appreciate your choice. I… I don’t feel right, without my wings. I know I made it clear last night- but if there’s a way to get them back, I’d take it. I know that losing your wings is typically a final sentence. I’ll just have to stay safe until our mission is over, so that I can get them back.”

“I hope y’know that it wasn’t your fault.” An edge of anger has returned to Ranmaru’s voice. “‘N that they were way off the fuckin’ mark there. I’d like ‘t see them fuckin’ go through half ‘a what you did.”

“I know.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. 

Ranmaru’s hand rubs Tokiya’s lower back, careful to avoid his wings. “‘M not gonna pick ‘er back up ‘til tomorrow. I wanna spend another night with just you ‘fore we get back into it.”

Tokiya nods. “...I’d like that.” Tokiya closes his eyes, relaxing against Ranmaru. 

After a few minutes of silence, Tokiya can finally feel the anger leave Ranmaru. It’s a bit longer after that when Tokiya shifts. 

“Hmm?” Tokiya’s movement catches Ranmaru’s attention, and Tokiya ducks his head, the side of his face pressing to Ranmaru’s chest. 

“Ran… could I groom your wings?” Tokiya’s request is soft. It’s so quiet that it’s only just audible. 

Ranmaru’s wings had been visible- he had never hidden them after they landed. Tokiya’s eyes flicker to Ranmaru’s face, and it hasn’t changed, but Ranmaru’s wings droop, just slightly. “...’Course you can, Toki.”

Tokiya’s smile is small, but it’s the best he can manage at the moment. He takes a few long seconds before he shifts, moving off of Ranmaru’s lap- though Ranmaru’s arms don’t release him until he has to. Tokiya moves, to find the brush, and Ranmaru moves onto the bed with his legs crossed- which was more often than not Tokiya’s position. Ranmaru was normally the one to groom Tokiya’s wings- and more often than not, Tokiya just helped Ranmaru with specific problematic areas. 

This area of grooming was more for aesthetic than cleanliness- and it wasn’t that Ranmaru wasn’t a man of aesthetic, but he liked the look of his ruffled feathers, as opposed to Tokiya’s preference of neatly groomed and tidy wings. 

Tokiya climbs onto the bed behind Ranmaru, and Ranmaru’s wings spread out, before settling again. Tokiya presses the side of his face against Ranmaru’s back, in between his wings, and Ranmaru lets him stay there, both men silent. It takes some time for Tokiya to pull back, and when he begins to gently brush through Ranmaru’s wings, he takes a long time with it. Normally, Ranmaru didn’t like to sit this still, even for the length of a normal grooming, but he lets Tokiya take as much time as he wants. Tokiya alternates between the brush and just running his fingers through Ranmaru’s feathers, and by the time he’s finished, he’s worked his way onto Ranmaru’s lap. He sets down the brush, and Ranmaru’s wings close around Tokiya protectively. 

Tokiya feels like he wants to cry, but he’s too exhausted to even do that. 

“We’ll get this taken care of.” Ranmaru promises. “This won’t be forever.”

“I know.” Tokiya’s eyes close. He manages a small smile, reaching around Ranmaru’s waist to hold him tightly. “I trust you.”


	47. Chapter Forty-Seven

There’s a soft knock on Tokiya’s open door. “Toki? Baby, are you doing alright?”

Tokiya makes a noise, and he glances up from his phone. “I’m fine.”

Ren moves closer, to sit next to Tokiya on the bed. Tokiya was cross legged near the bottom corner of the bed, sitting on his phone. 

“I think you might be lying to me.” Ren’s voice is soft.

Tokiya sighs. “It doesn’t matter, Ren. I’m fine. Really.”

Ren is watching Tokiya closely, though Tokiya’s attention mostly stays on his phone. Ren’s voice is soft. “You deleted some messages on the server.”

“I just… decided I didn’t want them up.” Tokiya pauses for a moment, and then sighs. “I hadn’t realized that Shinomiya was upset when I posted anything.”

Ren frowns. “But you sent those messages to me, yes?”

“...I did. But it still didn’t feel… right. Why should I complain to you, or… or say anything- when you’re clearly preoccupied. It doesn’t… it doesn’t feel right, Ren. Not when your attention is, and should be, on Shinomiya.” Tokiya stops himself abruptly, glancing away. “I’m sorry for my… outburst. I lost myself there a bit, I’m afraid.” 

Ren frown deepens. “Don’t be, baby.” Ren’s arm wraps around Tokiya’s shoulder, and Tokiya can’t find it in himself to fight Ren on it, going easily into Ren’s side. Ren takes his phone and sets it down next to him on the bed, before Ren’s hand moves to Tokiya’s thigh, effortlessly moving Tokiya until Tokiya is stationed on his lap. 

Tokiya can’t help but go a bit red. “Ren- I can’t be light-” 

“You’re not heavy at all, darling.” Ren presses a short kiss to Tokiya’s temple. “I’d like to keep you here while you talk to me.”

“I don’t know what else there is to talk about.”

“Why don’t we start with the messages you deleted?”

Tokiya sighs. “They were silly messages, Ren. I was just frustrated and venting to you, is all, and it was just an inopportune time. That’s it.”

“Tell me what you were frustrated about.”

Tokiya sighs, finally fully relenting to his spot on Ren’s lap, tucking his head against Ren’s shoulder and closing his eyes. “It’s silly.” He reminds. 

“I still want to hear it. Anything that’s bothering you can’t be that silly.”

Tokiya does still have to take a moment to answer, but he does. “...You know how Otoya, Kotobuki and I had the meet-n-greet today?” Ren hums. “It seemed as if most of the fans there were just excited to see… them. It seemed like most of them weren’t interested in even meeting me. Like _they_ were the ones forced to greet me. Ah, that’s a poor way to put it. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy the greets, it’s just…”

“Tiring?” 

“Exactly. You know just the same as I do that large crowds can be… hard to deal with. But I think I can count on one hand the amount of things I was asked to sign today- and there weren’t many more fans that went straight to me, either. I believe more fans skipped me than met with me as anything more than an afterthought. And I know I shouldn’t care- perhaps it was the area, or the fans that day- but… it… just wasn’t a very good feeling.” Tokiya lets out a quiet huff. “But it’s silly. I told you.”

“It’s not.” Ren’s voice softens. “That isn’t silly at all, Toki. And the only thing I can say to even try to make it sting less is that you really are loved and looked up to, you know. Just because those special fans weren’t there today doesn’t mean that they never will be.”

“...I think they liked Hayato better. I’m afraid that in comparison, I’m not nearly as good.”

“That’s nonsense.” Ren says sternly. “Of course you still have a stage presence- but underneath all of that… it’s you. But there was no you reflected in Hayato. And I don’t count what you wish you were as a part of _you_, baby- because we went through that phase and it wasn’t healthy. Goals are good, but Hayato wasn’t a goal… he was an illusion. Tokiya Ichinose is a proper idol, with enough of _you_ in him to make him even more loveable than the stage-produced idol Hayato. And any true fan could see that.”

“This wasn’t the point, you know.” Tokiya mumbles. “I didn’t delete the message to have you come in here and ask me about it anyways. I deleted them because now wasn’t the right time to share them.”

“But you’re upset. I don’t know why you’d hide that from me- especially when you _were_ willing to talk about it.”

“Shinomiya was upset, and you were handling him. You don’t deserve to have to deal with the problems of two people at the same time.”

“...Honey, I love Shinomii. He’s like a brother to me, and I hate to see him upset. But you, Toki, are my world- and there are other boys who can and _were_ speaking to him. If I couldn’t handle both of you, then I would have spoken to you.”

“If it were anything really serious, Ren, I wouldn’t have deleted the messages.”

“But this does sound serious.” Ren’s grip tightens on Tokiya. “Anything that makes you upset is serious, Toki. I don’t care if it’s something as simple as a small tear in your shirt or as drastic as losing someone. That’s what I’m here for.”

“But it’s not.” Tokiya frowns. “It’s not. I already complain far too much as it is to you- and it’s not nearly everything I could complain about. Your job isn’t to sit through me moaning about things that others could likely just brush off- and things that I should. And especially not when someone else is upset.”

“Natsuki was upset that he had lost his keychain.” Ren says, his voice almost calm. “Would you consider that silly?”

“No.” Tokiya isn’t, at first, slow to admit it- but his words do come slower when he realizes where Ren’s point lies. “I wouldn’t.”

“Then why consider your own issues silly? I don’t think they are at all. I admit- it can be hard to come forward with something that upset you when you know that others are upset- and maybe putting it in the same chat isn’t the right thing to do. But that isn’t what you did. You messaged _me_. Which was absolutely the right thing to do, darling.”

“You were busy.” Tokiya insists. “It really isn’t your job, to worry over me. At least not with something like this. I’m not dying- I’m not inconsolable, I’m just… sad.”

Ren’s hand moves, up Tokiya’s arm to the side of his face, gently cradling Tokiya’s head against his shoulder. “That’s my point. You’re _sad_. And that’s more than enough to merit my attention. I don’t _want_ you to be sad. I’d much rather take care of you than have you just sit alone and be sad.” Ren’s chin rests on the top of Tokiya’s head, and his voice turns into a mumble. Tokiya can his chin, brushing against Tokiya’s hair as he talks. “You’re under a lot of stress. You’re _always_ under a lot of stress. There are plenty of others that handle it far worse than you do, darling- I think that you don’t give yourself enough credit, and I’m afraid that may be because it’s _you_.” Ren sighs, and his hand on Tokiya’s face moves, enough to stroke his fingers through Tokiya’s hair. “If you really believe that your problems are silly- why don’t you let _me_ decide? Because you’re _never_ bothering me, when you come to me. I’d much rather have you bring up what’s bothering you to me. Surely I’d be just as good of a judge?”

Tokiya lets out a soft huff, though he can’t quite muster the right kind of exasperation. “I know you’re pretending to humor me. I know that, in your eyes, my problems aren’t stupid. Even if they really, truly are.”

Ren hums. “And why do you think that?”

“...Because if our roles were reversed- I know _I’d_ hear you out, no matter what.”

“I’m glad we’re on the same page then.” Ren squeezes Tokiya gently with the arm still wrapped around Tokiya. “I love you, you know.”

“I know.” Tokiya’s fingers curl into Ren’s shirt. “I love you, too.”

“So come to me next time. Not that you could get away from me- even if you tried.” Ren’s tone had turned teasing towards the end of his sentence, tilting his head so that his cheek pressed against Tokiya’s hair. 

“I must be crushing you.” Tokiya mumbles. 

“Not at all. If anything, it’s almost like a weighted blanket.” Ren chuckles. “But if you really want off of my lap that badly, we _could_ just lay down together.”

“Weren’t you in the middle of talking to Shinomiya?”

Ren sighs. “Well, now, I’m in the middle of taking care of you. I told you, Toki- Shinomii has the others. I’m sure he’s being well taken care of. And now I’m going to take care of you.”

“Ah!” Tokiya’s arms move, to hold onto Ren, when Ren’s hands move so that he can lift Tokiya. “Alright, alright! At least let me get dressed to lie down, Ren.”

Ren laughs, a loud, bright sound. “I could always undress you myself. I never mind a bit of skin to skin contact.” Ren’s grin is wide, but Tokiya rolls his eyes. Rather than setting Tokiya down on the ground, he puts him on the bed. 

Tokiya gives an exasperated sigh, shaking his head. “Fine. I’m not getting up to get redressed at this point, but I’ll undress _myself_.”

“There’s no need to be shy.” Ren teases. “You can always ask for my help, you know.”

Tokiya throws a sock at Ren, who dodges it with a laugh. Tokiya’s next sock makes it into the laundry basket, but the first lays abandoned on the floor. Tokiya sighs. “Maybe I should just get up. Now that there are clothes on the floor, anyways.” 

Ren drops himself into the bed, keeping Tokiya on it for balance sake- and then he’s forced down by Ren’s arm, wrapping around his waist. “We can pick it up in the morning. It’s only a sock.”

“Assuming I have good enough aim to make the rest of my clothes to the hamper.” 

“I have faith. And even if you don’t, we can handle those later, too.”

Tokiya rolls his eyes, but when Ren feels contented that Tokiya isn’t going to stand, he releases Tokiya so he can take off his clothes. Tokiya takes off his shirt- and he misses the basket. He doesn’t make his pants either. Ren laughs as he groans. 

Ren doesn’t do much better, throwing his own clothes, but Tokiya doesn’t think that he’s trying very hard, either. Ren hums, and it’s a happy sound that makes Tokiya happy, too. “Will you turn onto your side, baby?”

“I think we should get under the covers, first, Ren.”

Ren ‘hmph’s, but it sounds more amused than anything else. When Tokiya sits up, Ren holds the covers up for him to slip underneath, before following quickly after. Tokiya turns to his side, facing away from Ren, and Ren’s arm wraps around his waist. Ren’s skin is warm against Tokiya’s- and maybe a bit too warm, under the blanket, but Tokiya can’t find it in himself to care. Ren pulls Tokiya closer, holding Tokiya tightly to his chest, and his hand settles, palm flat, on Tokiya’s stomach, his thumb running over Tokiya’s side. 

“You can be sad, you know.” Ren mumbles. With the way they’re situated, Ren’s head is just above Tokiya’s. Ren’s leg is wrapped over Tokiya’s, the inside of his thigh pressed against the outside of Tokiya’s. “I hate seeing you sad, but I like making you feel better. I like being there for you. I want you to come to me. It’s alright to be sad, or to complain- and you don’t need to dictate your feelings based off what other people are feeling, either. Your feelings are no less valid than Shinomii’s, you know. Or anyone else’s, for that matter.” Ren moves, his hair shifting, tickling Tokiya’s neck as it brushes over it. Ren’s lips press to the top of Tokiya’s head. “And no more deleting messages, alright? I never want you to feel bad about talking to me.”

Tokiya’s hand moves, to settle over Ren’s, his fingers stroking over the back of Ren’s hand. “...Thank you Ren. I… I’’ll try.”

Ren’s sighs, pulling Tokiya just a bit closer. “Your best is all I can ask, baby.”


	48. Chapter Forty-Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; family trauma

“Can you pick me up?” Tokiya’s voice is no more than a mumble. At the moment, he feels empty- but he knows that isn’t going to be the case for long, and he doesn’t want to be in public when he finally has his breakdown. 

“‘Course I will. Give me five minutes.”

Tokiya felt terrible, calling Ranmaru back already. Tokiya had chosen to visit his father, using the address he had been given on a small slip of paper that he had carried with him for years. Ranmaru had offered to stay, but Tokiya had insisted that this was something that he should do for himself. 

He had stayed for less than a half an hour, but he couldn’t bring himself to stay longer. He just wanted to leave.

Tokiya doesn’t actually think that his father knows that he’s leaving. Tokiya had simply excused himself for a few moments of fresh air, but had immediately called Ranmaru. Tokiya had no intentions of returning inside. He sighs in relief when he notices Ranmaru pull up. 

It was a rental car- they weren’t even in Japan at the moment. Tokiya’s father had moved to America, and Tokiya had flown out to visit him. What a waste of money. 

Tokiya gets in the car quickly, avoiding looking back at the house, trying to keep most of the upset off of his face. Ranmaru doesn’t ask yet- he simply pulls away from the house, reaching over to squeeze Tokiya’s knee before putting both hands back on the wheel.

“Everythin’ okay, babe?” Ranmaru glances over at Tokiya, his expression guarded.

Ranmaru had known how nervous Tokiya was. Tokiya had felt betrayed when his father left, and the complete lack of contact left Tokiya feeling abandoned. Sure, _he_ had a way of contacting his father- but he’d much rather have had his father try to reach out to him. Ranmaru knew how worried Tokiya was over doing this. About how Tokiya was really only doing this because never trying would eat Tokiya up inside. 

Ranmaru knew how unsure Tokiya was about whether or not he was doing the right thing. It’s why Ranmaru had come with him- to support him. Tokiya isn’t sure how he would have gotten past this trip if Ranmaru weren’t here with him now. 

“I’d like to save it for the hotel.” Tokiya’s voice is tight and just a bit too put together. “It’s… a lot.”

Ranmaru nods, dropping the subject for now. Tokiya’s eyes close, though less than a moment later Ranmaru is parking the car in the hotel’s lot. Tokiya gets out of the car, and Ranmaru meets him at the front- he’s close, though he’s not touching Tokiya. Ranmaru takes out his wallet in the elevator, going up to the fourth floor, and by the time the elevator doors open, Ranmaru has fished out the room key. They go down the first hallway, stopping at the third door, and Ranmaru opens it and holds it open, following Tokiya inside. Tokiya starts getting undressed before the door is even completely closed, taking off his shoes and clothing to get changed into- taking one of Ranmaru’s sweatshirts. Tokiya didn’t wear his own sleep clothes anymore, but he had stolen a few of Ranmaru’s shirts and sweaters. The one he had gone for tonight, however, was one that Ranmaru still actively wore, and he liked these ones better because they smelled more like Ranmaru.

He doesn’t even bother with pants. When he’s in nothing but his underwear, socks and sweatshirt, he approaches Ranmaru. It’s a natural thing, the way Ranmaru’s arms raise as Tokiya approaches. The way Tokiya presses himself to Ranmaru, resting his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. 

“Will you lay down with me?” Tokiya mumbles, holding onto Ranmaru tightly. 

“Yeah. Just give me a second, alright?” Tokiya nods, finally breaking away from Ranmaru. As Ranmaru moves around, to get out of his jeans and into sweatpants, Tokiya climbs onto the bed. 

He doesn’t climb under the covers, waiting until Ranmaru lies down to cuddle up next to him on top of the covers. Tokiya was bottomless, but Ranmaru hadn’t put on a top. Tokiya coerces them until Ranmaru is on his back with Tokiya draped over his chest, his ear over Ranmaru’s heart and their legs tangled together. Ranmaru’s arm wraps around Tokiya’s waist, the other lying on Tokiya’s hand that is resting on his stomach. Tokiya closes his eyes before he begins, and Ranmaru doesn’t even need to encourage him. 

“He’s got a family now, Ran. He invited me in and was talking to me, and all I could see were the _kids_. I don’t know if they’re his- they weren’t very young, but they weren’t adults yet, either. They called him ‘dad’ so naturally…” Tokiya swallows hard, pausing for a moment to try to collect his thoughts. “No one _treated_ me out of place, but I was just… Tokiya. He called one of the boys ‘son’- and I… I know this is so childish but I… I didn’t want to stay there. I didn’t want to watch other kids being treated like his actual children while I was just a guest as his home. I just… I don’t understand it, Ran!” Tokiya’s jaw clenches hard enough to make a noise. The hand around his waist raises, and Ranmaru runs his fingers gently along Tokiya’s jaw- a gentle reminder to relax it. Tokiya somehow manages to. He lets out a shaky exhale. “If he has the capability of being a good father… why wasn’t he one to me? Why would he leave me with my mother? I… I don’t want to say anything bad about her- she never… mistreated me, or abused me… just… I wasn’t meant to be an idol. It was her decision- and I feel like all I ever did, even as a child, was work. That’s… these kids have a life. They have a family. When I was a kid I just wanted to be a _kid_\- and that’s what these kids are getting. If he could offer that… why wouldn’t he take me with him? Or stay? Why would he leave? ...I felt like such an outsider. I felt like I understood why he left, and I felt like it was because my mother and I… I was a lost cause. There was no way that he could be happy and be my father at the same time. ...And he still can’t. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I wanted to see him miserable. To apologize? To tell me that he would bring me if he could. That he would change things. But of course he wouldn’t. My feelings don’t matter anymore. I’m not even sure if _he’d_ consider me his son, and that’s not fair!” Tokiya presses his face into Ranmaru’s chest, but he can feel angry tears welling up in his eyes. The last time he had truly cried over his father had been shortly after his father left. “He hurt me! Why did _I_ have to be my mother’s show pony while he went to go live a comfortable life with his new family. I’m just… I’m angry, and I’m sad, Ran. And I don’t know if it’s his fault for leaving, or if it’s my fault- but what could I have possibly done? I was a child! Maybe I was a bratty kid, or maybe he just didn’t like who I was growing up to be? But there was no way I could have known. And then I got to his house, and I realized that he _doesn’t_ love me. I may be his child by blood, but I guess that’s not enough to constitute love. To get nothing more than a baseline politeness from someone that I’ve probably thought about more times than he’s ever probably thought about me… I don’t know why I came, Ran. This isn’t a reminder that I needed to have. I don’t want the knowledge that my dad doesn’t care about me. I came all the way to a different country just to be told that I really am nothing to him. That children that may or may not even be his own are more important to him than I’m ever going to be, and I just get to live with that now. There’s no changing it, or fixing it. I’m not twelve anymore, and even then, there was nothing I could have possibly done. And the worst part of it all is that I’m upset about it! I don’t even get _why_! _Why_ should I be upset over a man who is virtually a stranger to me now? I hardly recognized him, when he answered the door. I haven’t spoken to him in so long that I had nearly forgotten his voice. Up until I saw him with my own eyes, I had entertained the possibility that he wasn’t even alive anymore. So why can someone who hasn’t been in my life for this long _hurt me_? ...He didn’t even know I was an idol. He seemed surprised to hear it. I was so accessible, and he didn’t even take five minutes of his time to try… anything. No social media sites. No searches. I’m known by more people than I’ve ever met, and yet, to my very own father, I very well could have been dead as well.” Tokiya gets quiet for a very long time, and when he finally speaks again, his voice trembles and his body goes limp, the first of his tears finally falling. “And the very, very, very worst part is that I’m wondering if maybe I was wrong here. If maybe I shouldn’t have left.”

Ranmaru is dead silent, his entire body still. If Tokiya couldn’t hear his heart beating- just a bit too fast, he may have to check and make sure Ranmaru were okay. Finally, Ranmaru starts functioning again, his hand moving back to Tokiya’s waist, and then a bit lower- landing on his upper thigh. He squeezes lightly, his thumb running up and down Tokiya’s leg slowly. “...You were a kid, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost a bit distant. He’s trying to say the right thing, but he’s not going to lie to Tokiya, or give him mindless reassurances. That wasn’t the type of person Ranmaru was, and that wasn’t the type of comfort Tokiya wanted. “This situation is fucked up. It’s impossible. There’s… there’s not a way ‘t really distance yourself from that- it’s trauma. ‘N maybe, in this case, facin’ that trauma head-on wasn’t the best way to do it. Y’can’t control other people, Toki, ‘n some people are just selfish fuckin’ people. ‘Course I can tell ya ‘t just let it roll of yer back, ‘n of course I know that’s not realistic. But feelin’ ain’t fact, Toki. None of this shit is your fault. Sometimes you get shit luck, ‘n you wind up with an irresponsible parent that’s more of a fucking kid than you are. Just because you didn’t make the bed, ‘r you lied about turnin’ in a homework assignment doesn’t mean you forced yer dad’s hand. There’s no excuse for what he did. ‘N it’s gonna fuck you up for a real long time, if you ever get over it. …’N unfortunately, even though it ain’t your fault, you’re the one dealin’ with all ‘a the repercussions. ‘S not fair in the slightest, yeah, but nothin’s gonna ever change just because it’s not fair. ...You just… you make your choice. You can use this ‘t make sure you’re not your dad, ‘n you’re never gonna be your dad. Whether you ever have kids ‘a your own or not- you can use his fuck ups, and his mistakes, ‘t be a better person, Toki. You can’t stop things from hurtin’, but you can at least use the hurt ‘t make things better.”

“Have you ever considered a side-job in motivational speaking?” Tokiya’s joke comes out weak, but Ranmaru gives an obliging snort. 

“It’s cheesy as shit, I know, but ‘m serious. Your dad ran from his issues ‘n he never owned up ‘t anythin’. He’d rather live in a fantasy world ‘n forget what he fucked up, because it’s unpleasant. Learn from it. From him. He hasn’t given you shit in a very long time, but at least you can still get somethin’ useful from him.”

Ranmaru’s hand curls around Tokiya’s on his stomach, and Tokiya flips his hand. Ranmaru’s fingers wrap around Tokiya’s wrist as Tokiya’s wrap around Ranmaru’s. “...What if I can’t?”

“Rome wasn’t built in a day, Toki. ‘N as long as y’let me, I plan ‘t be around you for a long fuckin’ time.” Ranmaru pauses, clicking his tongue, and Tokiya almost perks up. “This is… the cheesiest thing I’ve said yet, so bear with me, alright?”

Tokiya nods, his hair brushing over Ranmaru’s chest. 

“Now, I dunno if in the future ‘m ever really gonna want kids. Because I know the fear, Toki. I was left with all of my dad’s shit ‘t clean up, ‘n I’m still tryin’ ‘t do that. It isn’t easy. It isn’t worth it. It’s a punishment that ‘m left with for no other reason than shit luck in bein’ born ‘t him. ...But if I ever have kids, I’d like ‘t think it’d be with you. ‘T adopt some poor kid ‘n get ‘em somewhere safe. ‘T give ‘em the kinda childhood kids should have. ‘N I think it’d be a big test fer both ‘a us, whether we’re really together that far in the future or not- but I’d like ‘t think ‘a us dealin’ with all ‘a the problems the right way. Of actually managin’ to raise a whole fuckin’ kid ‘n watch ‘em go off ‘t do somethin’ successful, or somethin’ they wanna do, ‘n look back at our own parents ‘n think, ‘fuck ‘em.’ ‘T look at the kid we raised ‘n how they didn’t turn out to be a neurotic piece ‘a shit ‘n know that we got our own shit together well enough to do that. To see them grow up, ‘n be happy. ‘N when they get with their own partner, or if they’ve got their own kids- they don’t have to see us as the kinda people they _shouldn’t_ be. It wouldn’t be easy, ‘n I can’t imagine it’d be smooth. But it’d be a start. A real middle finger ‘t that whole story ‘a kids turnin’ out just ‘t be like their shitty parents. That a person’s nothin’ but a reflection of ‘em, because that’s not true. You choose what you do with yerself. ‘N I hope that you chose to be the kinda person I know you really are. Don’t let yourself ruin you, babe. Fate’s a whole load ‘a crap. You’re not _doomed_ to end up like your dad. ‘M not forced ‘t end up like mine.” Ranmaru’s hand squeezes Tokiya’s leg, and then he gives a playful scoff. “Y’don’t have any recorders I’ve gotta burn now, right?”

Tokiya sniffs, but despite the tears that haven’t fully left his eyes, he’s smiling. “Actually I’ve memorized it. Will you hand me that notebook on the nightstand? I’d like to transcribe every single word.”

Ranmaru groans, and it makes Tokiya laugh, though it ends in a hiccup and Ranmaru pulls Tokiya just a bit closer to himself, squeezing his wrist. 

“All that impassioned speech givin’ made me hungry.”

“I’m not putting on pants.”

“Bold ‘a you ‘t assume I’d ask that.”

“I’m not leaving this room without pants, either.”

“Awful picky, aren’t we?” Ranmaru lets out a low chuckle that Tokiya can feel rumble Ranmaru’s chest. “But I was thinkin’ orderin’ something from room service.”

“I can get behind that. It’s been some time since I’ve had a cheat day.”

“We’ve got three or four more days out here. Might ‘s well enjoy it. Plus, the US ‘s got some pretty fuckin’ tasty, absolutely god-awful for you food.”

“Well with a description like that, how can I say no?”

“‘Ve gotta get up, though.”

It’s Tokiya’s turn to groan, and he pulls back, though Ranmaru doesn’t let him get far, letting go of his hand to move to his face, pulling Tokiya up for a short kiss. 

“Ran, I’m a mess.” Tokiya mumbles when they’ve pulled away. He was sure his face was red, and tear stained, and his face was probably all puffy and drained. 

“Yeah, ‘m used to it.” Ranmaru grins, and before Tokiya can fire a comeback, he’s pulled in for another kiss.


	49. Chapter Forty-Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings ; death

“‘M goin’ out.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat, as he shrugs on his jacket and grabs his keys. 

Tokiya doesn’t look up from his book. He hears Ranmaru give a quiet, irritated huff, but he’s quiet as he leaves.

Tokiya and Ranmaru had gotten into a more heated argument tonight than they usually did. Tokiya had been up late last night, working on the script to his radio show that his co-host was supposed to have finished, and didn’t- and he hadn’t gotten much sleep. When Tokiya snapped at Ranmaru in his more irritable moments, it very rarely ended well. And this one ended with Tokiya telling Ranmaru that Tokiya would be sleeping on the couch that night, because he didn’t want to share the bed with Ranmaru. 

It was harsher than Tokiya usually was- but he was too tired and frustrated to feel bad. 

He didn’t even know where Ranmaru was going. Usually Tokiya would check with him- just to know when he’d be home, and to make sure Ranmaru knew that if he needed a ride, Tokiya was happy to pick him up. 

Thirty minutes after Ranmaru had left, the lights flicker, before completely going dark. Tokiya jumps, his heart beginning to race. Of course, it’s just a power outage- but Tokiya hated being alone in the dark. It may have been silly, and childish, but he really hated it. His hand covers his mouth, to muffle his startled sound, when his phone begins to ring. As he comes down from his scare, he feels his irritation flare, looking at his phone screen. He doesn’t recognize the number, so he doesn’t pick it up. 

He does, however, glance at his phone. Tokiya’s signal is weak, but the notification for the voicemail gets through anyways, and almost a bit hesitantly, Tokiya checks it. 

“This message is for the spouse of Ranmaru Kurosaki- we believe your husband may have been involved in an accident that has taken their life-”

There’s more to the message, but the only sound Tokiya hears is the glass of his phone, shattering on the tile as it slips from his hand. There’s a long moment of nothing but silence- his unease from the blackout entirely forgotten. 

Tokiya feels frozen, but he tries to pull himself together. Certainly a half an hour was far too soon, right? This was fake… right? 

Tokiya could feel himself losing it. What if it wasn’t fake?

Why would it be fake?

Tokiya drops off of the couch, fumbling on the ground to find his phone. He feels the cut across his thumb when he swipes across the screen, and notices the smear of blood that crosses his phone. He’s too numb to feel it. He can’t feel the cold of the floor that’s crept through his sweatpants, either, or the ache from how hard he landed. He dials Ranmaru’s number, but the line goes dead. 

Tokiya tries three times, but he can’t tell if it’s his own phone that has lost service, or if it’s Ranmaru’s. 

Tokiya’s crying starts slowly. It’s almost numb at first, as he falls from his knees, sitting on the ground, slumping. He lets his phone fall back onto the floor. 

The lights flicker on, but only to quickly flash back off, and that’s when Tokiya officially loses it. 

It starts as a quickly growing sob, Tokiya’s hands lifting to press the heel of his hand against his eyes hard enough to hurt as his sobs begin to turn into wails. 

The thought of losing Ranmaru had always been one that scared him. It scared him beyond belief- 

Tokiya had moments before. Moments where he’d wake up from a bad dream, and he’d try to wake up Ranmaru on one of Ranmaru’s nights where he was a deeper sleeper than usual. Ones where Tokiya would have to shake Ranmaru, progressively getting more and more scared. There had been once where Ranmaru had woken up to Tokiya begging him too. 

It wasn’t a very common thing, but Tokiya could get inconsolable in his fear of losing him. Ranmaru had always been kind about it- staying awake to console Tokiya. He had grown to become just a bit of a lighter sleeper, waking up easier on nights where Tokiya needed him. 

Tokiya leans forward, his position unnatural and uncomfortable, but he barely notices, pressing his forehead against the floor. His entire body is shaking violently, wracked with sobs. Tokiya scrambles to get up, slamming his shoulder into two walls on his way to the bathroom, and only just getting to the toilet in time to throw up. As he stays with his head over the toilet, he returns to gasping for breaths between his crying. 

Tokiya can’t help the noises coming from him- the whimpers that he can’t help. He wanted to believe that this wasn’t real, but it was becoming harder and harder to believe it. 

Tokiya’s next sob comes out choked as he thinks about his silence towards Ranmaru, and the fight they had been in. How mean Tokiya had been to Ranmaru today. 

That was it. 

That was the last conversation they’d have.

Tokiya couldn’t have known, but it doesn’t make it better. It was something he’d never forgive himself for.

Tokiya only stands when the lights come back on and stay back on. His throat hurts, and while he is still crying, it barely feels like he can. He heads into the kitchen, for a glass of water, to try to help the burning in his throat. His nose is so stuffed and he knows that his face is a complete mess.

Tokiya’s grip fails him, when he grabs the glass, his hands shaking so badly that he can’t hold onto it- and it falls onto the counter, shattering. 

Tokiya lets out another choked sob, and he tries to pick up some of the glass with his hands, too numb to feel the cuts he’s giving himself, but his shaking hands fail him in the same way as before, the shards of glass falling between his fingers. He finally slips down, sliding down the cabinets to sit on the ground, in a small pile of glass. He really had _shattered_ that glass. 

Tokiya drops his head in his hands, not feeling the cuts he was giving himself, from the glass wedged in his hands. 

Tokiya freezes, when he hears the door open, almost afraid to look up. 

“Sorry it took me so long.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. “I know y’don’t like bein’- wait, shit, Toki?”

Ranmaru had closed the door behind him, but had gotten inside enough to see Tokiya on the ground, and the blood on the counter. Tokiya’s crying had finally stopped, frozen by the sight of Ranmaru. 

“M-Maru?” It was a nickname that Tokiya very rarely used for Ranmaru- and he primarily used it when Ranmaru was upset, or hurt. The use of this nickname would show quickly on Ranmaru’s face, as he makes his way over to Tokiya, carefully.

Tokiya pushes himself up, nearly falling as he scrambles to his feet. He’s careful with his hands, when he throws himself onto Ranmaru. There’s still some glass, small pieces stuck to his stomach, and his cheeks, and there’s blood, especially heavy on his palms. Ranmaru is stiff, his hands moving slowly, one moving to Tokiya’s lower back and one to the back of his head. He’s looking at the mess of glass. Tokiya’s hysteric crying has returned. 

“Hey, hey- it’s alright.” Ranmaru’s voice is careful, his alarm very poorly hidden. “There’s a lotta blood, Toki, we’ve gotta take care of it.”

Tokiya only holds onto Ranmaru tighter, clinging to him. 

“C’mon, baby.” Ranmaru’s voice is soft, which only makes Tokiya cry harder. He feels sick again. “Let me take care ‘a you ‘n then we can talk about what happened, okay?”

Tokiya lets out a choked whimper, but Ranmaru forces Tokiya off of him, though it doesn’t seem easy, to ignore Tokiya’s panic. Ranmaru brings Tokiya to the bathroom, and his eyes fall to the toilet that Tokiya had forgotten to flush. Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow, but he flushes the toilet and lowers the lid, to get Tokiya to sit on it. 

Tokiya’s eyes haven’t once left Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru’s first step is to look over Tokiya. He takes Tokiya’s hands first, looking at his torn up palms, and his eyes travel up Tokiya’s forearms- not unscathed, but not nearly as bad. He looks over Tokiya’s shirt- the light grey revealing the few areas that glass had cut him enough to bleed, small red spots appearing on his shirt, and then up to his face, a few shards still in his cheeks and his face a mix of tears, blood and snot.

Tokiya tries to reach out for Ranmaru, when Ranmaru stands, but Ranmaru carefully catches Tokiya’s hand, careful to avoid touching Tokiya’s palms. “Just sit still for now, alright? You’ve still got a lotta glass all over ya.”

“I’m so sorry.” Tokiya’s voice breaks, and it’s so hoarse. “I love you so much. I’m sorry.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow, and he sets his hand on the top of Tokiya’s head, for just a second. “I love you, too. It’s all water under the bridge, okay?” 

Tokiya sniffles, but Ranmaru pulls back his hand to get under the sink. He tosses up a few things onto the counter- a few stray antiseptic wipes, a roll of bandages, a pair of tweezers, and a washcloth. 

Ranmaru kneels in front of Tokiya, to start on his hands. Ranmaru is quiet while he works, and careful, because Tokiya’s shaking hasn’t completely stilled. Ranmaru moves to Tokiya’s arms, next, and then to his face, though luckily that one is quicker. Ranmaru takes the washcloth, to wet it, and then proceeds to start wiping off the blood. As Tokiya slowly begins to calm from his panic, it begins to really hurt. He starts to feel all of the cuts, and how deeply he had wedged some of the glass. Ranmaru starts with Tokiya’s face, using a gentleness that Ranmaru doesn’t usually have. When Tokiya’s face is mostly clean, he works on his hands, and then sets to cleaning and bandaging. He ends up going back under the sink to find a band aid for a larger cut on Tokiya’s cheek, but Tokiya’s hands get bandaged completely, up to mid-way on his forearms. 

“‘Ve gotta get your shirt off.” Ranmaru mumbles. “I’ll try ‘t be careful.”

Ranmaru is gentle, when getting Tokiya’s shirt off and over his head. His chest isn’t bad, but Ranmaru still insists on bandaging it. Ranmaru is careful, when he cleans up the pile of bloody glass shards. 

When he’s finally done cleaning, his full attention returns to Tokiya. He moves, so that he’s over Tokiya, his thumb moving to run along Tokiya’s jaw. “We should talk. Where do you want us to be?”

“I want to lay down with you.” Tokiya brings up the back of his hand, rubbing at his eyes, and Ranmaru nods. When Tokiya stands, on unsteady legs, he immediately wraps Ranmaru in a tight hug. Ranmaru returns it, but Tokiya can picture his frown. 

“We can’t get ‘t the bed like this.”

“I don’t want to let go of you.” Tokiya’s hiccup at the end of his sentence makes him sound even more childlike, but Ranmaru sighs. 

“Let go ‘a me real quick, alright? I got an idea.” 

Tokiya does, but it takes a long few seconds. When Tokiya finally separates from him, Ranmaru moves, lifting Tokiya up in one swift motion. Tokiya’s arms wrap around Ranmaru’s neck again, his head lying against Ranmaru’s shoulder. Ranmaru leaves the bathroom, to head to the bedroom. “D’ya want me ‘t grab you a shirt?”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I just want to lay down with you.”

“Alright.” Ranmaru sets Tokiya high up on the bed, to pull the covers out from underneath him. Tokiya scoots himself over, ignoring the pain in his hands, to make room for Ranmaru. Ranmaru takes just a second to strip from his clothing, down to his underwear, and then he climbs into the bed, pulling the blankets up and over both himself and Tokiya. He’s quick to wrap his arms around Tokiya, and Tokiya was already halfway there, getting closer to Ranmaru. “What happened, babe?”

Tokiya’s grip is tight on Ranmaru, and he buries his face into the crook of Ranmaru’s neck. His voice shakes, showing that he’s still not far from tears, and Ranmaru’s grip tightens on Tokiya, one of his hands running up and down Tokiya’s back comfortingly. “I got a call.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. His leg moves, tangling with Ranmaru’s. “I didn’t listen to all of it but…” Tokiya has to pause, and one of Ranmaru’s hands reach up, to put his hand on the back of Tokiya’s head, feeling Tokiya’s tears against his shoulder. “I-I’m sorry, Ran, I can’t, I-”

“It’s alright.” Ranmaru mumbles. “Y’said it was a call?”

“...A message. I didn’t pick up-”

“Where’s your phone, babe?”

“It’s in the living room.” Tokiya’s leg moves, wrapping more firmly around Ranmaru’s leg. “But it’s really cracked.”

“I’m gonna go grab it.”

“I’ll go with you.” Tokiya’s response is quick. Ranmaru frowns, his eyebrows furrowing. 

“...Alright. ‘M only gonna be up fer a minute.”

“...I’d like to stay with you.” Tokiya’s lip trembles, and his grip tightens further- tight enough that he’s worried it’s uncomfortable, but he can’t help himself. He breaks down again- not as badly as he had early, but his cries aren’t quiet. “I thought I lost you. The call said you were gone, Ran, that something happened, and I thought I lost you.”

“What?” Ranmaru sounds shocked.

“I was terrified.” Tokiya’s free leg moves, wrapping himself completely around Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s grip hasn’t lessened on him, either. “I love you, Maru.” Tokiya’s voice is so soft. “I can’t lose you. I don’t know what I’d do without you. And the way we fought, and it was all my fault- I tried to call you but it didn’t go through, I…” 

“Hey, it’s alright.” Ranmaru’s voice is softer, too. “We’ve got some rough moments, Toki, but I hope y’know I love you. ‘N that doesn’t stop, even when I’m mad. But I need ‘t go get your phone ‘n figure out who’s fuckin’ pullin’ this shit. I’m fine. I promise you that ‘m careful when I go out, ‘n I’m always gonna come home to you, babe.” Ranmaru presses a kiss to the top of Tokiya’s head, but then his voice changes, and it turns careful. “But I’ve gotta make sure, first. Why were you so hurt? ...That wasn’t on purpose, was it?”

“It wasn’t.” Tokiya promises quietly. “It really wasn’t. I was just really upset and I was trying to get water, and I couldn’t grab the glass. I freaked out… but I really didn’t even realize that I had hurt myself. I’m only just now starting to feel it.”

Ranmaru sighs, squeezing Tokiya. “Alright. Let’s go get your phone.”

Ranmaru gets out of bed, and Tokiya follows him, almost like a lost lamb. Tokiya is holding onto Ranmaru’s bicep, holding himself close to Ranmaru, and Ranmaru stops in the living room, to pick up Tokiya’s phone. “Jesus. It’s wrecked.”

Tokiya stays quiet, but Ranmaru just grabs the phone and starts to urge Tokiya back to the bedroom, before he pauses, glancing to the fridge, and to the broken glass on the counter, but then he sighs. “You were gettin’ water earlier, yeah?” Tokiya nods. “D’ya want me ‘t get you a cup? ...Maybe not a glass one.”

Tokiya’s eyes glance across the kitchen, but he nods, though his voice drops. “Please be careful. I tried to clean up the glass but…” His eyes fall on the pile of blood stained glass. Ranmaru’s expression looks grim. 

“I’ll be careful. ‘N I’ll clean up the glass tomorrow. I don’t think I’m real comfortable leavin’ you alone right now. ‘Bout as comfortable as you seem with me leavin’ you alone, I think.”

Tokiya nods.

Ranmaru is careful, and he digs around in a different cabinet, finding an old plastic cup from the rest of a stack they had from an old get together, moving carefully around the glass to get water. He brings the cup back to Tokiya, but Tokiya doesn’t take it until they’re back in the bedroom. He drinks at least half of it, and Ranmaru just stands near him. 

Their bed was pushed against the wall, open on only one end- and Ranmaru preferred to sleep on the edge. Tokiya wasn’t sure if it were because it was easier to get to the bathroom, or if it were more of a protection thing- but Tokiya was fine being in the corner, if only because Ranmaru were next to him. 

When Tokiya finishes drinking, he climbs back into the bed, and Ranmaru is quick to follow. Ranmaru is careful in navigating Tokiya’s broken phone- and he doesn’t need to ask Tokiya’s password. Tokiya knew Ranmaru’s phone code, too. Even as Ranmaru searches through the phone, his arm is pressed against Tokiya’s, and Tokiya is leaning heavily into his side.

Ranmaru is quick to find the message- playing it over, but this time to completion.

“This message is for the spouse of Ranmaru Kurosaki- we believe your husband may have been involved in an accident that has taken their life. ...Luckily, this isn’t the call you’re receiving, but it could be. Consider applying for our life insurance, and call us back at this number.”

There is a long stretch of silence that falls over them, but Tokiya can almost feel Ranmaru’s rage. His voice is low, as he puts Tokiya’s phone to sleep and lays it down. “That’s a really fucked up scam. If it’s not already illegal, it should be.”

“I… I’m sorry. I should have listened to all of it.”

“Don’t.” Ranmaru’s voice is stern. His attention turns completely to Tokiya, wrapping Tokiya in his arms tightly. “Don’t blame yourself for this. That message was fuckin’ cruel. I don’t think I would’a listened ‘t all of it, either.” Ranmaru sighs, seemingly forcibly releasing some of his anger, and his voice softens. “It’s not your fault, Toki. But I’m alright. ...I think that we should just take it real easy tonight, alright?”

“...Did you get my calls?” Tokiya’s voice breaks, though he does go with Ranmaru, as Ranmaru lowers him to lay down. They move, so that Tokiya’s head rests on Ranmaru’s chest, and Tokiya shifts, so that he can just barely hear the beating of Ranmaru’s heart. 

“I didn’t.” Tokiya can picture Ranmaru’s face without seeing it- the way his face twists, just slightly.

“Then why did you come home so early?” 

“...The power went out, ‘n I know y’don’t like bein’ alone durin’ outages. I tried ‘t call you, too, but the service was already down.”

Tokiya gets quiet, his bandaged finger stroking across Ranmaru’s side. “Thank you.”

Ranmaru’s thumb brushes over Tokiya’s shoulder. “I told ya. I don’t care how angry I am at ya, or how angry you are at me- I love you.” Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s shoulder. “‘N I care about you. ‘N I’m gonna be here for a long fuckin’ time, because if I’m not here, who’s gonna make sure you’re not doin’ anythin’ stupid, yeah?”

Tokiya gives a weak, strained laugh, turning his head to brush his nose against Ranmaru’s chest, before settling again. “Yeah. ...I’m glad you’re okay, Maru.”

“You’ve been usin’ that nickname a lot tonight.”

“I have.” Tokiya’s eyes close. “But I really thought I lost you. I just want to make sure you know how much I really do love you, darling.”

“Don’t stress yourself out over that, babe.” Ranmaru’s hand moves down, to rest above the bandages, his thumb stroking Tokiya’s side. “I know you love me. ‘N I know that y’know I love you.”


	50. Chapter Fifty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings ; injury, verbal fighting

Tokiya and Ren had been married for ten years, and retired for eleven. For the most part, their relationship was smooth- and they very rarely have arguments. 

Of course, very rarely wasn’t the same as _never_. 

“I wish you had spoken to me about this.” Ren’s voice is strained, and Tokiya can tell that he’s angry. 

Tokiya had taken on an acting role, and the director had explained to him that he would be his own stunt performer. The director hadn’t said it directly, but Tokiya knew that it was to cut costs- because Tokiya was too old to safely do stunt performances, and he hadn’t ever done stunts like this. But it was a role, and he wanted to keep it. 

“I’m sorry, Ren, but it was thrown on me, too.”

“Back out.” Ren’s voice is almost a bit pleading. “I know you want to act, and you’re incredibly talented, baby, but this could be dangerous.”

“I’m not backing out, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a bit offended at the suggestion. “You should know better than anyone that I don’t say I’m going to do a job and then not do it.”

“What I do know better than anyone-” Ren’s voice is stern. “Is that you bite off more than you can chew and you take on jobs you can’t handle.”

“Not _everything_ is about Hayato, Ren.” Tokiya snaps. “It was one mistake.”

“That you’ve never fixed. It was Hayato _once_, Toki, but that wasn’t the only time that I’ve seen you overwork yourself near death. And I’m not alright with you taking on a job that could really get you hurt, your own pride be damned.”

“It’s my choice. And I’ve made it.”

That night, Ren chose to sleep on the couch. He had made it clear that he was not going to support Tokiya doing anything dangerous - but Ren was soft for Tokiya. If Tokiya were going to be working long hours doing dangerous work, Ren wasn’t going to make Tokiya sleep on the couch. 

Less than an hour into Tokiya being alone in the bed, he makes his way to the living room. He couldn’t sleep in the bed alone. 

Ren was already asleep, his hand off of the couch, hovering a few inches above the ground. Tokiya settles himself on the floor, near the end where Ren’s head is, and he shifts, so that his fingers just barely brush Ren’s hand. 

It isn’t comfortable at all- but he sleeps, easier than he could in the bed. 

He wakes up early, before Ren wakes up, to get ready to go to his work. 

By the time he gets home, it’s late, and he’s exhausted and bruised from attempts that hadn’t quite worked out, and there was still so much work ahead of him. Ren’s almost cool politeness almost hurts Tokiya, but Tokiya refuses to back down from his own opinion. He knows that Ren is worried about him, but Tokiya isn’t giving him the proper room to do so. 

That night, Ren returns to the couch. 

That night, Tokiya returns to the floor, his fingers just barely brushing Ren’s. He’s up before Ren is.

This happens for two more nights. 

Tokiya is sore, sleeping on the ground, but he manages. 

On the fifth night, Ren’s hand is a bit lower, almost brushing the ground. When Tokiya settles down, instead of laying his hand against Ren’s, he sets his head down near Ren’s hand until Ren’s fingers brush his hair, and that’s how he sleeps. 

Unfortunately, that night, he had gotten home later than usual- coming home to Ren asleep already. He hadn’t meant to sleep in, but that morning, Ren wakes up before Tokiya does. When Tokiya does wake up, Ren has picked him up. Tokiya blinks sleepily, noticing Ren’s frown. 

“Have you been sleeping on the floor every night?”

Tokiya just hums tiredly, resting his head against Ren’s shoulder. It was nearing a week of their strained relationship- and to have any affection from Ren was almost addicting. 

“Why?”

“I can’t sleep alone in the bed. I don’t like sleeping away from you.”

Ren’s face softens, and he sighs. “I wish you would have just said that earlier. I’m not taking back anything that I said- because I really wish you’d stop this job. But if I’d known you’d just sleep on the floor, I’d have just slept in the bed. Fight or not.”

“I have to leave soon.” Tokiya mumbles, which only deepens Ren’s frown. 

“Toki, this is your sixth day straight working twelve hour days.”

“I think I have tomorrow off.” 

“You’re going to kill yourself.” The stern tone is back in Ren’s voice. “And I’m not alright with that.”

“It’s only going to be for another month.”

Tokiya didn’t want their fight to continue for another month- but what was the point of all of the time he’s already put in if he quits now? What if he can’t get any more roles, should he deny this one? Especially this late into the production. 

Ren stays quiet, but it’s an upset silence. His face sours further, when he sets Tokiya on the bed and Tokiya sits up. 

“I have to go in.” Tokiya says softly. He thinks that Ren may have been about to climb into bed with him- because Ren had set him too far back onto the bed, but Ren just sighs, stepping away from the bed as Tokiya climbs out of it. 

Tokiya doesn’t come home that night, but at about eight at night, Ren gets a phone call. 

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is careful as he answers Tokiya’s call- and he’s right to be. The pain is clear in Tokiya’s voice when he answers. 

“I’m at the hospital.”

“_What?_” Ren’s concern is immediate, already standing from his spot on the couch. “What hospital?”

Tokiya has to ask someone the name, before he can tell Ren, but he does. 

“I’m going to head over now, baby. I’ll be right there.”

It was around twenty-five minutes later when Ren is escorted into Tokiya’s hospital room. Ren is quick to head to Tokiya, being careful to go to the side of the bed with less wires and machines. Tokiya felt worse than he looked, but he didn’t look very well either- he had a few stitches from a cut on his forehead, covered with a bandage, and his right leg was completely broken- the cast going from his foot to his hip. He had smaller bruises and cuts covering him, but his worst injuries were his concussion and his leg. The nurse leaves, after Ren is in the room. 

“You were right.” Tokiya isn’t crying, but it’s clear that he’s in pain, and it’s clear that he’s upset, and likely not far from tears. “I messed up the stunt.”

“Oh, baby.” Ren’s eyebrows pull in. He takes Tokiya’s hand carefully in both of his, squeezing it incredibly lightly. “I was really hoping that this wouldn’t happen.”

“...I’m out of the production. ...Not that I could imagine you’d let me go back after this, anyways.” 

Ren sighs, his expression not changing. Tokiya chooses to speak, before Ren says anything else. 

“Thank you for coming.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. “Even though you’re angry. ...I still feel… scared.” He admits, glancing away from Ren with a pained expression. “But I feel better with you here.”

“Of course I’d be here. There is nothing you could do to make me angry enough to stop caring about you. The only reason I was angry is _because_ I care about you.”

“I know.” Tokiya says weakly. “I know that you only meant well. I should have known I wasn’t capable.”

“You weren’t _trained_. That’s why I was so worried about you, baby- it’s not your fault. You didn’t apply for a stunt job, Toki, you applied for an acting job. It was your director’s fault, for trying to cut corners irresponsibly. But right now- I don’t want to upset you further.” Ren lightly squeezes Tokiya’s hand. “Because from here on out, we need to focus on getting you better.”

Tokiya would normally nod, but with the pain in his head, the best he manages is to squeeze Ren’s hand back. 

He’s only held for a night, to ensure that his concussion doesn’t become an issue, and Ren stays all night in the emergency room with him. When he’s let out of the emergency room, he’s transferred to the hospital, forced to stay for another week because of his leg, but Ren visits for as long as he’s able to. Ren is the one that picks Tokiya up, already having bought crutches for him. 

“This is going to be terrible.” Tokiya grumbles, currently refusing to get out of the passenger side of the car.

Ren gives an amused huff, gently petting through the back of Tokiya’s hair. “You’ll be okay. I won’t let you fall.”

“I’ve never used crutches. Can’t I just hobble my way to the door?”

“If you really won’t use them, I can always carry you.” Ren grins, teasing. “But if you won’t use the crutches, you’re stuck with me as your mode of transportation.”

Tokiya shakes his head, huffing, and Ren’s hand moves to rub Tokiya’s shoulders. “I promise you, my love, I won’t let you fall over.”

Tokiya’s frown is deep as he stands, unsteady, and Ren steadies him as he stands, and he then hands Tokiya the crutches. Tokiya gets them in the right position, but he’s nervous to use them. Ren closes and locks the car before his full focus returns to Tokiya. 

“It’s a little strange to get used to, but you’ll get it, baby.” Ren assures. Ren has to stop him, one step forward. “You’re putting too much weight on your bad leg, Toki. You’re just walking- the crutches are safe, I promise. You can put more weight on them.”

Tokiya makes it part way to the door, and then he shakes his head, nervous. “I’d rather you carry me.”

Ren’s eyebrows furrow, but he nods. “It’s going to take a bit of practice- but I’ll carry you in, Toki, if you really don’t feel like you can get in with the crutches.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I’m going to fall. And I’ve just gotten out of the hospital, I have no intentions to go back.”

Ren moves, one hand wrapping around Tokiya’s waist, the other collecting the crutches, leaning them against the wall of the house for the moment, before he gently lifts Tokiya up into his arms. “You know- I don’t mind taking care of you until you’re healed. But I know that you wouldn’t like all of the extra recovery it would take, if you didn’t move yourself around.”

Tokiya sighs, letting his head rest against Ren’s shoulder. “I know I should. But I hate the crutches. I feel unsteady.”

“I know, darling, I know. We can just start slow.” Ren brings Tokiya inside. “Do you need the bed or the couch?”

“The couch is fine.” Tokiya mumbles. Ren heads to the couch to carefully set Tokiya down. 

“I’m going to grab your crutches and I’ll be right back.” As Ren leaves, Tokiya finds himself frowning, looking at the pillow and blanket still on the couch- Ren’s temporary bed not yet cleaned up. Ren enters, bringing the crutches in and closing the door, before he heads to the couch, shoving aside the blanket to sit down right next to Tokiya. He sighed, wrapping his arm around Tokiya’s shoulders. “We need to talk, baby.” Tokiya nods, though he stays quiet. “I don’t want you taking on any roles without letting me know about them. I should have been clearer about this, during our fight- but not everything is about Hayato. It’s about _you_, baby. It’s about this. It’s about me, wanting you to come home _safe_. It’s about how much I _love_ you, Toki, and how I want you to be okay. I love how devoted you are, and what a hard-worker you are. But you’re not invincible, and this only proves it. ...And you’re getting older, too, baby doll. Thank God it was only your leg this time- but you hit your head, too. What if you had landed wrong on your neck?” A genuine look of fear crosses Ren’s face shortly, before being replaced with a grim expression. “When you called me, I think my heart stopped. But you can’t keep doing this. When your job gets dangerous- I don’t want you doing it. It was your director’s fault, for telling you to do something he shouldn’t have- but you can’t just go along with it.” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “You weren’t trained. You shouldn’t have been doing it. I just want you to trust me, baby. I’m never going to tell you not to do something if I don’t have a good reason to tell you not to do it.”

Tokiya gets quiet, and then he nods. “You’re right.” His voice is hardly audible. “I should have heard you out. ...I should know better.” He admits lowly. “You’d think after this long of being with you that I’d realize that you have my best intentions in mind.”

“I do.” Ren promises. “Because I love you.”

“I love you, too, Ren. I’m sorry I fought you so much.” Tokiya shifts, to press himself into Ren’s side. “Please don’t sleep on the couch anymore. Even if we fight. I don’t like you sleeping away from me.”

Ren’s face softens, and he gently squeezes Tokiya’s shoulders. “I won’t. I’m sorry I did in the first place, but I promise that from now on, the only place I’ll be sleeping is in the bed next to you.”


	51. Chapter Fifty - One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My first prompt request! ^_^ Thank you Yayura for the prompt request and for the nice comment!! I hope this is what you wanted! I love RenToki and I think they’re very sweet/good for each other, so I’m always glad to hear other people like it, too! I’m sorry that it's a bit short, but I hope you still enjoy it!

Tokiya had almost missed the lost look on Ren’s face- because Tokiya was only supposed to be home for a few moments just to grab something. But he quickly realizes that something isn’t right, and it happens just after he’s grabbed his item and has realized that Ren has hardly even noticed him. Tokiya drops the papers he had grabbed onto the coffee table as he approaches Ren. His break would be over soon- and there were very few things more important to Tokiya than his job, but Ren was absolutely one of them. His job could wait until Tokiya was comfortable that Ren was alright. 

Tokiya knew that Ren’s favorite position was when Tokiya sat on his lap. He claimed that he liked the intimacy, and that he thought it was cute- and while usually the request flustered Tokiya and took some convincing, today he would approach Ren, sliding onto his nap in an action that feels almost natural. Ren’s arms wrap around Tokiya’s waist, his eyes finally settling on Tokiya’s face, though Tokiya’s eyes are already focused on Ren’s. Tokiya’s hand lifts, to cradle the side of Ren’s jaw. “You look a bit lost, darling.” Tokiya mumbles, his thumb brushing against Ren’s cheek. “What’s on your mind?”

Ren sighs, and his sigh is almost a bit shaky, which genuinely concerns Tokiya. Normally Ren brushes him off with a smile, teasing him that he was just thinking about Tokiya- in any number of ways that varied from very sweet to very flustering. He only seemed to falter when it came to things harder for him to admit. Tokiya shifts, and Ren lets him, and Tokiya finds himself straddling Ren’s lap, to get a proper look at Ren’s face. He cups Ren’s face with both of his hands, and Ren looks _vulnerable_. His eyes aren’t quite meeting Tokiya’s and his hair had fallen, nearly covering one of his eyes. His frown is small, but his overall expression is what hits Tokiya the most, because it feels almost like Ren’s backtracked _years_. Tokiya’s worry must be more visible on his face than he thinks it is, because when Ren glances back to Tokiya’s face, he gives Tokiya a strained smile, his hands settling on Tokiya’s hips and squeezing gently. “Hey, don’t give me that look. I’m okay, Toki.” Ren’s eyes close, and his eyebrows furrow. “I just woke up with my head stuck in the past.”

“Would it help you to talk about it?” Tokiya knew some of Ren’s past. 

What Ren was usually most comfortable talking about were the facts. He was the youngest family in a conglomerate, so he was never concerned about taking over his father. That would fall on both of his brothers- and it seemed that it was his family’s goal to find something useful for him to do, and that caused a lot of rebellion from him. And then that started to bleed into the time that Tokiya had met Ren. Back when Ren was a classmate- that turned into a bandmate who turned into a friend. And then, of course, as Ren and Tokiya both grew separately, they grew together, until now- the reason that Tokiya was sitting on Ren’s lap, to try to get Ren to speak to him. 

Of course, Ren had opened up just a bit. Tokiya knew of Ren’s mother, and of his father’s reaction to her death. He knew Ren’s feelings towards her death, and had been there to do his best to comfort him when Ren spoke about her. Tokiya knew of his father’s death- and Tokiya knew a lot about how Ren felt _currently_. Ren was much more attune with his feelings now. He was much better than Tokiya was, and he had gotten fairly decent, at being open with Tokiya in an attempt to get Tokiya to do the same- but that wasn’t always how Ren was, and it wasn’t easy to get much out of him, back in the times where he wasn’t very open with his feelings. 

“...If you have time to listen. I’d hate to keep you.” Ren’s voice is a bit small, and Tokiya doesn’t think Ren means to. The way that Ren says it is enough to make Tokiya swear that he isn’t going to leave this couch until Ren is truthfully, genuinely smiling again- but he knows that Ren isn’t being manipulative. Tokiya isn’t sure if that’s better or worse. 

“Can I make a call?” Tokiya mumbles, leaning forward to brush his nose against Ren’s, in an eskimo kiss. “And then I’ll be right here for you. For as long as you need me.” Ren’s almost uncertain look gets a soft one from Tokiya. “I just wouldn’t want to worry anyone is all. I’d much rather stay right here and listen to you. I find _your_ happiness and mental health to be far more important, Ren.”

That does seem to strike Ren, and Ren’s grip on his hips tightens a bit more, and Tokiya lets Ren lean in, to capture his lips in a short, meaningful kiss. 

“How up to talking do you feel you are?” Tokiya mumbles. “I’m taking the rest of the day off, no matter what, but I want to know if this is a conversation best had in bed.”

“...After.” Ren decides quietly. “...I don’t know just how long I’ll speak, but I’d like to talk on the couch. If you’re really taking the day off, then I think I’d like to spend some time cuddling in the bed afterwards, if you’re up for it.”

“That sounds like a very good plan, Ren.” Tokiya gives him a small smile. “I’ll make my phone call quick.” 

Tokiya leaves the room. It’s a simple call off- explaining vaguely that he had a family emergency that he needed to handle. He’d apologize for the sudden comeuppance of it, because he was genuinely apologetic for the very short notice. Luckily, it had been accepted and he had been released, because if they had tried to deny him, Tokiya would have pushed. He’s very glad he didn’t need to. 

He was glad that he left the room. He didn’t feel bad about calling in, but he didn’t want to make Ren feel any worse, listening to him do it. Tokiya pockets his phone before he’s even back out in the living room, and he does pick up a tissue box before he moves to set himself back on Ren’s lap. He chooses to stay straddling Ren’s lap, because he’d rather see Ren’s face as he speaks. The tissue box lays besides Tokiya’s knee on the couch.

Tokiya’s hands land on Ren’s waist. When he runs his thumbs over Ren’s sides, he’s careful- trying to make it feel comforting. He knew how ticklish Ren was, and that wasn’t his goal.

“Alright, baby.” Tokiya speaks as Ren’s own hands settle on the outside of Tokiya’s thighs. “Speak at whatever pace you’re comfortable. I want to hear anything you want to tell me, but I don’t want you to feel bad, if you feel like there’s something you can’t.”

Ren nods, and his eyes close for a long moment. When he feels ready to speak, he opens them, and while his face screams his vulnerability, his eyes seem distant. “I’m not sure that I’ve ever told you how I felt when you first met me. What I was thinking. I’m positive that you never knew at the time, because that was my M.O. I was determined to keep myself from showing anyone, especially my peers, what I actually felt. I was carefree, and I was strong, and I felt certain that everyone believed that. ...But I remember my own thoughts well.” As Ren continues speaking, his voice breaks. “Toki, for a very, very long time- likely as soon as I was old enough to really understand what the thought meant… I hated that I was even born. It felt pointless and meaningless, and I had no idea why I had to be brought into this world because I wasn’t bringing anything to it. What was my point? I was the rebellious kid of my family. I was sent to the Academy to be trained to become an idol, yes, but I still wonder if it wasn’t just to get rid of me in some sort of hope that I might get myself together. And for a while- I never thought I would. If Shining weren’t the principal I can’t imagine how quickly I would be kicked out. After all… S class? He saw something in me that I never saw in myself. But thank God he never gave up on me.” Ren’s head moves, to rest his forehead against Tokiya’s shoulder. One of Tokiya’s hands lifts, to run through Ren’s long hair, to cradle his head. There’s a lot that Tokiya would like to tell Ren- but he’s listening. He’s really listening. He isn’t going to interrupt Ren, because Ren was opening up to Tokiya. And while Tokiya hates hearing some of it… it’s who Ren is. It’s who Ren was. “It took me some time of being at the Academy before I really figured out what I wanted, Toki. I love music. I’ve loved music for my entire life- but it took me a while to really understand that it was what I _needed_. I may have acted carefree, but it came from a complete lack of care. When nothing felt like it mattered, I saw no reason to do anything I didn’t care to do, because what did consequences really mean to me? ...But I did eventually realize that I could find a dream. That I did. That I had finally, for once in my life, found something to work towards. That I found something I really, genuinely enjoyed- a reason. I found that I really, truly wanted to become an idol. I just wanted _something_. I wanted a lifeline- I wanted to feel important. I wanted others to find me important.” Ren’s lower lip trembles, holding onto Tokiya tighter. “I wanted to be loved. I just didn’t want to be alone, Toki.”

“Oh, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is hushed, his hand stilling completely on Ren’s head. “I would have never known.” Tokiya’s voice is very quiet, and it’s all he can do to keep it even. Calm. “I only wish that I had paid more attention- and maybe this isn’t a very good condolence, but I’ve always seen you. I’ve always paid attention. From the moment that we were classmates. I know that I likely didn’t seem like it… But you _had_ caught my eye, Ren. And God, watching you grow, despite everything- and through everything, you’ve always had my respect. And I would have done something, anything that I could have, had I known you felt that way. I would have helped you- helped you realize that you do mean something. And thank God you found something that makes you believe that. ...Even all of that time ago, I remember you playing the saxophone, and I remember how… real it felt. The way that you playing your instrument brought out a different side of you, and I wish I had been able to see more of it, way back then. ...You were unfortunately talented at hiding yourself, Ren. ...And I’m sorry. That you felt so alone. But I just want you to know that you weren’t. At least… not entirely. Had anything happened to you- even something like Shining trying to expel you, I promise there would have still been others, fighting to keep you. People that could tell that there’s more to you than you had shown.”

Ren squeezes Tokiya again, and he brings himself to sit up, and Tokiya notices that Ren’s eyes are shiny. One of Ren’s hands raise, to bring up the back of his hand, running it over his eye, but he gives Tokiya a teary smile. It’s meant to be a bit reassuring, but Tokiya’s expression remains careful. “I realize that now, Toki. I know how much you care about me- and I never missed the glances, I had gotten from not only you- but from everyone else. What our little lamb had seen in me. What our classmates, and our teachers somehow had. I was lost in myself back then. In my misery. ...It’s why I hate seeing you sad.” The genuineness in Ren’s expression sends a pang through Tokiya’s chest. “Because I know very well what it’s like to hate everything. To live in your own misery. Because no matter what your situation is, the only person that can truly make you endlessly miserable _is_ yourself. Yourself, and your thoughts, and how you choose to deal with everything. But I know I’m not alone now. Thanks to you. Thanks to everyone. I especially know now- with all of the fans that consistently reach out with their love to me. And I know that, even back then, I wasn’t nearly as alone as I felt like I was. At least, not towards the end. Especially not towards the end.” Ren’s hand lifts, to cradle Tokiya’s face, and his smile has died down into something much softer. “I can tell you with complete honesty Toki that I am happy that I was born. And as rough as it was, to go through everything I had, my experience is invaluable. It’s what makes me who I am. It’s what got me here- and I can say _now_ that I am happy. To be right here, on this couch, as an successful idol with _you_ on my lap, baby- I never thought I’d get here. But now that I’m here, I’m going to enjoy it with everything that I can.”

It’s Tokiya that carefully leans in to kiss Ren this time. Ren goes with it happily. 

“I’m afraid that’s all I have in me to talk about today.” Ren’s voice is beginning to reflect his exhaustion. “But I’d still love to spend some time together lying in bed.”

“Of course.” Tokiya gives Ren a soft smile. “I’d love that. Thank you for talking to me, Ren. I know it isn’t easy, but you trust me. And that means everything.”

“I _do_ trust you.” Ren affirms. “With all of me. And I hope that should the time come, you can rely on me in the same way.”

Ren’s hand brushes across Tokiya’s cheek, and then he pulls back, to let Tokiya slide off of his lap. Ren’s chuckle is a bit weak, when he stands to help steady Tokiya, but it isn’t disingenuous. Tokiya takes Ren’s hand in his, holding on tightly, and Ren squeezes Tokiya’s hand in return. They make their way to the bedroom, and getting undressed to get into bed is almost an afterthought- but they both get into something more suitable to lie down, and as soon as they do, Tokiya wraps his arms around Ren. 

Normally, Ren took the more dominant position in their relationship in general- but in times like this, Tokiya enjoyed switching it up, because it was clear that while Ren enjoyed holding Tokiya, he enjoyed it just as much when Tokiya held him. 

They settle in, Tokiya’s legs tangling with Ren’s and Ren’s head lying on Tokiya’s shoulder. Tokiya presses a kiss to the top of Ren’s head. “If you ever have another day like this, Ren, I’m always more than happy to listen to anything you want to tell me. No matter what it is.”

Ren squeezes Tokiya, nuzzling into his side, though his only response is a happy hum, and Tokiya’s expression softens, noticing that Ren is already mostly asleep. Tokiya gives a low chuckle, and his own voice drops. 

“Goodnight, Ren. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

Some time had passed, since Ren had last spoken to Tokiya about his feelings in the past.

Ren’s hand pets through Tokiya’s hair as they lie together on the couch. Tokiya had gotten very quiet- which could be very dangerous, Ren had realized. Tokiya was smart, but sometimes he had trouble turning his brain off, and with the faraway expression Tokiya was wearing, Ren imagined that’s what was happening right now. “What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, Toki?” Ren mumbles, tilting Tokiya’s head up with an index finger below his chin. 

“Hmm?” Ren’s suspicions are confirmed by Tokiya’s lost, almost guilty expression. 

“Talk to me. What’s bothering you?”

Tokiya’s frown is deep, and he sighs, closing his eyes as he speaks. “It’s nothing, Ren.”

“It’s not nothing if it’s bothering you.” Ren’s voice is gentle but firm. “Consider this practice, baby. We’ve been talking about this- how I want you to talk to me. It lessens the stress on both of us.”

“I don’t think you want to hear this one.” Tokiya says dryly. “I’m thinking back around to my Hayato days. Which I’m sure is a big surprise.” His voice turns bitter, but it’s solely towards himself.

“That was a large part of your life- and whether you realize or will admit to it, that was traumatic for you, Toki. Maybe not all of it- but you’ve brushed on why you started and I know very well why you stopped, and that’s not easy to deal with.”

“I asked for all of it myself.” Tokiya’s lips press together into a thin line, and then he sighs. “It was… It wasn’t good.” Tokiya pauses, unsure, but Ren is quick to encourage him.

“Tell me about it.” Ren asks gently. He pulls Tokiya closer to him, to tuck him under his arm, and Tokiya goes easily. If Ren brought up anything about Hayato, it could sometimes turn into a one sided fight, started by Tokiya. Ren didn’t hold it against him. How could he? Ren doesn’t think that Tokiya realizes just how unhealthy Hayato really was for Tokiya. Ren believes it did make Tokiya out to be who he is, and for better or worse Ren _was_ thankful to Hayato for that. Despite all of Tokiya’s reserves, Ren truthfully did believe that both the good and the bad were needed to make Tokiya as absolutely loveable as Ren found him to be, and Ren was more than happy to help Tokiya work through the bad and to praise the good. 

Tokiya’s silence stretches on for a long moment, and he continues to hesitate. “...This isn’t a good topic Ren.” His chest constricts. “I don’t know that it’s fair to you to speak about it.”

“You listened to me, when I spoke to you about a topic that was just as touchy as this.” Ren pauses. “Hayato isn’t a very good topic.” His voice is a bit grim. “But he’s still a part of you. And if there’s more to him than I know, then I’d like to know it.” Tokiya’s silence urges Ren to speak again. “I mean it, Toki. ...It’s… the past is difficult. And not just for us. The past is difficult for many people. But no matter what you tell me about your past, Toki, it’s not going to change how I feel about you right now in the present.”

After one more long moment, Tokiya speaks. “Stop me if it gets to be too much, Ren.” Ren knew he wouldn’t, and Tokiya knew he wouldn’t either- but Ren still nods. One of Tokiya’s hands lifts, brushing Ren’s side as it does, to run over his own face. He hasn’t started, but his expression is already tired. When Tokiya’s hand drops back down to his lap, Ren takes it with his free hand, and it’s partly to keep Tokiya from being able to cover his face. Even Ren couldn’t fully tell all of the emotions in Tokiya’s voice, especially not when it’s as tired as he sounds right now- but Tokiya’s face was an open book to Ren, and that had come with trust. “If I hadn’t been forced into the industry so young, I doubt I would have ever been Hayato. ...Have I ever told you that this was never actually _my_ dream?” 

“What do you mean?”

“I never actively wanted to be an idol. I wasn’t ever really a singer- but I guess that’s not entirely fair to say either.” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. “I was a terrible singer when I was younger. I’ve had to work harder than most in this industry because I’m _not_ talented, Ren. My mother was the one that forced me into this industry, so young that I’m still not sure that it really was what I wanted, but now this is the only thing I’m good at, and my decision has been made for me. And that’s not to say that nothing good has come out of it. I met you- after all.” Tokiya’s smile is strained, and brief, but he still manages one before he continues. “And the other boys. And many of the fans are incredibly nice- but a problem with _Tokiya_ is that when people speak about not liking me… it feels like they don’t like _me_. But Hayato got far less of those comments, and I could brush off the ones that I did get. ...Do you know why I chose Hayato? Why I chose to play him the way I did?”

Ren’s voice is quiet, and a bit grim. “I believe you’ve touched on it before, yes. If I’m remembering correctly, you said it’s who you wished you could be.” Ren can’t help the frown. 

“You’re right. Hayato was my perfect persona. Happy, personable and loveable.”

“That’s unfair.” Ren cuts in. “I’m sorry to interrupt you, but you’re not right. _Particularly_ about that last point, Toki.”

“...That’s your opinion.” Tokiya says lowly. 

“It is. But it’s not only my opinion, Tokiya.” Ren’s eyebrows lower. He normally wouldn’t interrupt- not when Tokiya was willingly telling him about one of the topics that truly worried Ren- but Ren hated letting Tokiya believe that he wasn’t as good as he really was. And heaven forbid he think himself unloveable. “Tokiya Ichinose is a popular, loved idol. You don’t need to be Hayato to be liked.”

Tokiya sighs, but Ren pulls him tighter against himself. It does take a moment for Tokiya to start speaking again, and his voice starts weaker. “I don’t think you really understood how bad I was at the end. I’m not sure you want to.”

“I do.” Ren’s voice is careful. “I want to understand.”

Tokiya frees his hand from where his arm had been pinned by Ren’s, but it’s only to rub harshly at his eyes with the heel of his hand. He’s not crying, but his eyes burn. “Physically, it was horrible. The kind of horrible that you couldn’t ignore. Where I always felt like I was on the verge of passing out, I felt sick, and eating only ever felt like it made it worse, so I didn’t eat much, despite how much energy I was burning from the work. I was always irritable and miserable, and pretending like I wasn’t was difficult. And I always felt so disappointed in myself. I was young, I had done it to myself- I should have been able to handle it. It was disgraceful, when you all found out. ...And the hardest part, I think, was trying to deal with everything by myself.”

Ren’s face falls, just a bit, but he catches himself quickly, his eyebrows furrowed. “I know, especially back then, that I was a bit of a brat myself, but do not, for one moment, think that I didn’t have my eye on you, Toki. I never ignored you- I never missed how miserable you looked. Toki, I had no idea how to approach you. And that day we caught you- all of that anger I had… it wasn’t all at you.” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s hand. “A lot of it was. But there was some frustration at myself, too. At letting you get as bad as you had gotten and for waiting until everything had already blown up to talk to you about. ...Some of the anger was because you had a chance, Toki. You were making something of yourself- you had a reason, and you were throwing it away for a reason I couldn’t understand. But a lot of the anger I felt towards you was because we were worried about you. I was worried about you, baby. I’ve always cared for you- and while, yes, it has grown- you were still my bandmate back then. You were still my friend.” Ren shifts, to let go of Tokiya’s hand to tilt Tokiya’s head towards him. His face is uncharacteristically serious. “I should have been more involved, and I regret that I wasn’t. But **I just want you to know that you were never alone**. I always had my eye on you, baby doll.” Ren leans forward, to brush his nose against Tokiya’s. “I’m sorry that you felt like you were, and I can’t change that, even though I wish I could.” Ren’s hands leave Tokiya completely, to cup his face, leaning forward to press his forehead to Tokiya’s. Tokiya’s eyes look a bit shiny, but they’re locked on Ren’s. “I am never going to let you feel like you’re alone again, baby.”

“God, how could I?” Tokiya’s voice breaks, but it’s not quite sad. “You’re so important to me, Ren, it’s unbelievable. ...You told me that you realize now that you weren’t entirely alone, at least towards the end of the worst of it… and I know that’s the same for me. But especially now. I was lonely for a long time. It’s hard not to be, when I’m forced into working for my entire life so far. But right now? At this point in my life… I don’t. I don’t feel lonely anymore. And I think that the best example of it is right now, Ren. Look at me- cuddled against you _talking_ about my past. Even if I could have managed to get my words straight back then, and before that, I never would have had anyone to talk to about it. And now I always will.” Tokiya reaches up, freeing his hands from Ren to smush Ren’s face, giving Ren a large, closed eye smile. “Thank you, Ren.”

Ren chuckles, and despite everything, there’s clear amusement in Tokiya’s eyes when he opens them, with the way he’s squishing Ren’s cheeks. When he finally lets go of Ren’s face, Ren sticks his tongue out teasingly, but there’s a very fond expression on Ren’s face. “That’s exactly what I hoped you’d get out of this. We’re both growing, Toki, and I think we’re helping each other do that.” Ren takes Tokiya’s hand again, to lift it, pressing a kiss to Tokiya’s knuckles. “Now-” Ren’s kisses begin to climb up Tokiya’s arm, starting with the back of his hand, moving to his wrist and going up his arm. “What would you like as your reward for talking?” Ren’s grin is teasing. Tokiya waits, until Ren is close enough, and then he kisses Ren.

“Not that.” Tokiya teases. “Not at three in the afternoon.” Tokiya shakes his head, amused. “But I could probably settle down to watch a movie.”

“Netflix and chill?” Ren’s grin grows wider when Tokiya groans, his head falling against Ren’s shoulder, which shakes with Ren’s laughter. 

“And for that comment, _you_ get to stand up to get us snacks.”


	52. Chapter Fifty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS ; Self-Harm! (and tattoos)

Ranmaru was a rocker, on the inside and the out. Ranmaru had been in a rock band for years- if Tokiya remembers correctly, he joined his first band when he was seventeen, and had been in three total since. It had been ten years since his first band, and it had been three years that he had been dating Tokiya. 

Ranmaru was very aesthetically a rocker, as well. He had sleeves of tattoos, covered in heavy lined black line art, and Tokiya believed that he had a few pieces on his chest and his back as well. Tokiya had seen the few on his calves, when Ranmaru wore shorts to bed, but he had yet to see Ranmaru shirtless. They had slept together before in their relationship- but shirts were a sensitive topic for both of them. 

Ranmaru made it clear that he wouldn’t find Tokiya any less attractive with his shirt off, and Tokiya often shot back with the same- but in the end, they both wore shirts, because neither man would push the other into listening when they weren’t willing to listen themselves. 

Tokiya, on the other hand, was an idol. They may have both been big in their own personal fields, but Tokiya had a very, very different style than Ranmaru had. Tokiya’s was more of a business casual type of style, and he definitely didn’t have any body modifications like Ranmaru. Which really only made him more attracted to Ranmaru’s style- _because_ of how different it was to his own. Tokiya loved to lie in bed and trace over Ranmaru’s tattoos. He found that it helped Ranmaru relax, and it was always fun to glance up at Ranmaru’s face to see that he had fallen asleep. 

But then, one afternoon, Tokiya had been searching for a very specific shirt that he was sure he had left in the bathroom. Tokiya hadn’t even realized that Ranmaru was in the bathroom, because he hadn’t gotten around to starting the water in the shower yet and Tokiya had thought that Ranmaru had already left the house- but when Tokiya entered the room, Ranmaru had been naked, about to enter the shower. 

Tokiya had gone red, his mouth open to apologize, but the words die in his throat when his eyes land on Ranmaru’s side. Half of Ranmaru’s chest, all the way down to a hip was tattooed, but there were other marks on the uninked side. “Hold still, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice lowers, trying to keep any emotions out of it. He didn’t want to startle Ranmaru- if that was the right word for it. He didn’t want Ranmaru to get defense and to shut Tokiya out. Ranmaru has stilled, his face guarded and closed off. When Tokiya approaches, he notices how tense Ranmaru is- and Tokiya’s hand first lands on Ranmaru’s upper arm. Ranmaru’s inked side is his right side, and that’s the arm that Tokiya’s hand lands on, trying to rub Ranmaru’s arm comfortingly with his thumb. His other hand gently moves Ranmaru’s left arm away from his side. 

There are lines- not all of them faint enough for Tokiya’s liking. Scars. “Is this why you don’t want to take your shirt off?” Tokiya’s voice is even and quiet. 

Ranmaru sighs. It’s a quiet sound- and maybe a bit disappointed, which really breaks Tokiya’s heart. “Yeah.” Ranmaru’s voice comes out flat. “Really didn’t want ya ‘t learn this about me. ‘Specially not like this.”

“I didn’t intend to barge in on you naked, but I… I’m not sorry I learned about this. ...When was the last time, Ran?” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. He eyes Ranmaru’s side, and he’s glad to see that there aren’t any that seem to be _entirely_ fresh. 

“...Couple ‘a weeks ago.” Ranmaru’s jaw tightens. Tokiya can tell he doesn’t like this topic. “Don’t do it real often.”

Tokiya pauses, trying to think back- and only one thing really sticks out, and he can’t help the outward realization. “Oh God- it wasn’t because of our fight, was it?” Tokiya looks up at him with eyes too large, and then he kicks himself. He was desperately trying to keep himself calm. He didn’t want to upset Ranmaru. 

“You can’t blame yourself.” Ranmaru says, but his expression is so tired. Tokiya thinks that means that he was right. “...’S kind of like the way you used ‘t smoke, only a lot fuckin’ worse.” 

Tokiya swallows hard. He _had_ used to smoke- usually when he was incredibly stressed. “You helped me stop smoking.” Tokiya says quietly. “Because you were worried for my health. So I want to help you stop this. For your health. ...Can I ask why you use your side?”

Ranmaru sighs, and he lifts a hand. Tokiya pulls back his hand to let Ranmaru drag his hand down his face. “Lemme at least get on pants ‘fore we get into this discussion.”

Truthfully, Tokiya had forgotten Ranmaru was naked, but the realization gets Tokiya to release Ranmaru, and he nods. He doesn’t quite leave the bathroom, hovering near the doorframe and Ranmaru sighs. 

“‘M not gonna do anythin’.”

“...I know, Ran.” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. “I’m not trying to make you feel bad, or worse- I just… I’m sorry. But I’m worried. And I want to help but I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t know what the right thing to do for you is.”

“Relax.” Ranmaru mumbles, picking up his underwear to put on, his sweatpants following. “I obviously can’t hide it from ya anymore. ‘N I can tell how careful you’re bein’. You don’t snap on me I won’t snap on you.”

Tokiya nods, but when Ranmaru heads to the door, Tokiya takes a step out of it. Ranmaru follows him, settling on the bed next to Tokiya when Tokiya climbs onto it. “So y’asked why I use my side?” Tokyoa nods. “...’S ‘cause I don’t wanna ruin my tats. All of ‘em ‘r special, ‘n a couple of ‘em were expensive as hell. I used ‘t use other areas… I kinda alternated.”

“Why did you start?” 

“Fuck, Toki, it was years ‘n years ago. Think I was fifteen?” Ranmaru sighs, his eyes closing. He doesn’t continue until his eyes open, but that takes at least a minute. Tokiya is patient. “‘Ve had a lotta trouble with my mental health for a real long time, ‘n when you get in bad habits, it’s hard ‘t break ‘em. ‘N how do I just casually bring up that I hurt myself without panickin’ you, comin’ off as a hypocrite or makin’ it seem like somethin’ it’s not? Because I don’t do it fer pity, Toki. I never ‘ave ‘n I never fuckin’ will. Honestly, there’s nothin’ I’d like ‘t talk about less. ‘Specially with you. But ‘m answerin’ anythin’ I can as honestly as I can because I can’t imagine how bad you’re freakin’ out right now, ‘r how hard it’s gotta be ‘t keep yourself as calm as you’re actin’. I dunno how well I’d hold up if our places were reversed.”

“...I wish this was something I could drop, Ran, but-”

“You’re worried.” Ranmaru says flatly. “I know it’s dangerous, Toki. ‘M not tryin’ ‘t kill myself, if that’s somethin’ you can believe.”

“I can.” Tokiya says gently. “I hate to think that you’ve been doing this for… God, twelve years, I guess… but you’re still here. And I’m proud of you for that. But I can’t just sit by now, knowing you’re hurting yourself. I’m kicking myself, for not noticing. It breaks my heart, Ran. To know that you’re hurting this badly. I can only imagine that this is your coping mechanism, but it isn’t a good one. I’ll help you figure something out, and I’ll make sure I do everything in my power to help you. But I can’t let you keep doing this. Anything that I can possibly do, I will.”

Ranmaru sighs, but Tokiya gently takes his hand, and he begins tracing the tattoos on Ranmaru’s wrist, traveling up his forearm. Tokiya doesn’t think that Ranmaru actually means to relax, but he does. “I dunno really how ‘t handle this, Toki. It comes in waves. The problem is that I can’t just control… fuck, I dunno. Cravings? Urges? It just sorta happens, ‘n it gets real fuckin’ overwhelming.”

“You could try to talk to me.” Tokiya says quietly. “I don’t care where I am or what I’m doing. If you need me, I will pick up my phone.”

“...Thanks.” Ranmaru sighs, closing his eyes for a long moment- but this time he speaks before his eyes reopen. “I’ll try, Toki. For you.”

Tokiya’s tracing doesn’t stop, but his voice gets a bit softer. “What do you use, darling?”

“...My pocket knife. ‘S a lot cheaper ‘n a lot less obvious than breakin’ razors.” Ranmaru uses his free hand to pinch the bridge of his nose. “...I’ll give it ‘t you. Just fer a while. I do use it for other, not bad things.”

“Thank you. That would help set my mind at ease. Just for a little bit.” Tokiya gently squeezes Ranmaru’s arm. “Is it in the bathroom?”

“No.” Ranmaru glances towards the door. “‘S in my coat pocket. I wasn’t gonna do anythin’ today.” Ranmaru’s jaw flexes, and he finally has to turn away from Tokiya. “‘Til you found me, I really wasn’t feelin’ like I needed it.”

Tokiya lets go of Ranmaru’s wrist, to rub his back. “I know I walked in before your shower- why don’t you finish it up and then try to take a nap? Or I could make you some food, or you could try to play your bass? Do something to distract yourself.”

“I’ll take a shower later.” Ranmaru mutters. “Think I just wanna lay down.”

“Of course.” Tokiya assures. “I’ll lay down with you until you fall asleep.” Tokiya leans forward, pressing a kiss to Ranmaru’s inked shoulder. “Not to hover over you. Just to be with you.”

“I know, Toki. Like I said. I get it, that you’re worried. ‘N I get that you don’t know what ‘t do. I don’t fuckin’ know either, babe. But it’s not like you’re a fucking distant boyfriend until this second. I’d be pissed, if I thought you only cared because you figured out what I was doin’- but I don’t. I think you’re worried because you give a shit about me, not because you worry that you might be responsible if somethin’ went wrong. ‘S why I’m really tryin’ ‘t work with you. Why I’m really tryin’ ‘t not just brush you off. It ain’t easy. But I really believe that it ain’t easy fer you, either, ‘n that’s what’s makin’ me willin’ ‘t try.” Ranmaru’s jaw tenses again, and this time, Tokiya’s fingers gently brush over Ranmaru’s jaw, until he sighs. “I don’t wanna worry you. ‘N I don’t wanna hurt _you_. _I_ don’t give a shit about this, Toki, ‘r I would’a stopped a long time ago. But I can only imagine how you’ve gotta feel and I fuckin’ hate that.” Ranmaru finally moves, to get further on the bed. “So that’s why I’m tryin’.” He reiterates, his voice firm. “But I can’t see this just bein’ a piece ‘a cake. ...Least I’ve been doin’ it less, bein’ with you. Turns out that I’m a lot less upset, when I come home ‘n see you.”

Tokiya takes a long moment to take in Ranmaru’s speech, and it takes him an extra second to finally settle in with Ranmaru, having just gotten himself together enough to move, but responding takes just a bit more time. “I’m glad to hear that. I know what it’s like, to be in a bad place. Never quite as bad as yours- but I do know that it’s hard to want to do it for yourself. I’m very familiar with depression, and I’ll admit that I knew you had it. I just wish I’d known that it had gotten this out of control. But I’m glad that, even unknowingly, I’ve been a bit helpful. And if you can’t do this for yourself, for right now, I can settle with you doing it for me. And then, when things start getting better- hopefully you can do it for yourself, too.”

“We’ll see.”

Tokiya stifles his sigh. “We’ll see.”

Ranmaru takes longer than usual to fall asleep, but Tokiya doesn’t move until he does. When Ranmaru has been asleep for at least twenty minutes, Tokiya slowly removes himself, to go do his research. 

Over the next few days, Tokiya pays close attention to Ranmaru- doing what he can. The first day he had relocated Ranmaru’s knife. 

He had started asking how Ranmaru was doing, as far as his urges- and Ranmaru had asked, a bit dryly, on the second day, if Tokiya wanted to check. When Tokiya had assured him that he’d believe Ranmaru’s answer, Ranmaru’s expression had softened. His answers to Tokiya’s questions came far easier after that. 

During free moments over the next few days, Tokiya works on something special.

It takes a few days for Tokiya to approach Ranmaru, holding a piece of paper. Ranmaru’s attention turns to it almost immediately, his expression a bit wary. Tokiya gives a sheepish smile. 

“I’ve done some research.” Tokiya comments, his index finger nervously running over the edge of the paper. “And I found one idea that I thought was an interesting one.” Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises, and Tokiya’s cheeks go a bit red. “It’s a butterfly drawing idea. Where you’re supposed to draw a butterfly over the spot you often self-harm, and you name it after someone you care for. The idea is that if you hurt yourself, you kill the butterfly. But I took that idea and I tweaked it a bit- and I thought of a bit more… permanent solution, that I thought might fit you better.” As Tokiya continues, he begins to ramble a bit, though Ranmaru’s attention is still fully on him. “I’d like to preface this with- you don’t have to use what I have, of course, it’s just to… help my idea. And I’ll pay for it, of course, no matter what you get… but I drew you a tattoo design idea. It’s… not very good, I’m sure, and of course I’d like you to get something you want to get… but I think it might be a good idea to get one. You did say that you didn’t like ruining your tattoos- and it’s been a few weeks of healing, so by the time you get the new tattoo, it hopefully shouldn’t be that bad…”

“Toki.” Ranmaru finally cuts Tokiya off, but he holds out his hand. “Give me the paper.”

Tokiya does. It’s a fairly simple design. It’s a record, with Ranmaru’s skulls (drawn in Tokiya’s style) on one side, and orchids on the other. The record itself has the name of one of Ranmaru’s songs in the middle of the record. It’s a simple design, and despite Tokiya’s attempt to match everything, it still doesn’t quite match the rest of his tattoos. The design still softens Ranmaru’s expression. 

“I’ll do it.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet, but Tokiya can’t tell exactly why. “‘S this what you’ve been working on?” Tokiya nods. “Thanks. It’s good.” Finally, Ranmaru smiles, and it’s a sight that brightens Tokiya’s expression. Ranmaru steps forward, and he pulls Tokiya into a tight hug, being careful with the paper that he’s holding. 

“I’m glad you liked the idea.” Tokiya says, his voice genuinely relieved. His voice becomes a bit teasing, but it still sounds almost tired from the release of his nerves. “I just didn’t strike you as a butterfly type of man.”

Ranmaru gives a low chuckle. “Babe, if you’d ‘ve come at me with just that idea, ‘cause you wanted me ‘t try it, I would’a. ‘Course, I like this one way better, sure, but I’d ‘ve given it a shot. …’N maybe this is a bit cheesy, but I think it would’a worked. In a different way than this one’s probably gonna, yeah, but I can see the merit in it.” Tokiya can hear, as he continues, how Ranmaru’s face must grow serious. “Killin’ the butterfly seems harsh. Obviously that’s the point… but damn.” Ranmaru’s voice is grim, and Tokiya nods. 

“I suppose I’m still guilting you with this- but I’d really rather you feel like you don’t want to hurt yourself for the pure basis of not wanting to ruin your artwork. I feel like it’s a much lesser… mental repercussion. If you were to slip up- it just… seems like it’d really hurt your mental state.” Tokiya frowns. “If I were in your place, and I slipped- to view the butterfly as you and to kill it… I know that’s the point, but it would… it would really hurt me. I don’t want you to slip, but to slip and then to deal with that on top of it-” Tokiya winces. 

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow, and he pulls away from Tokiya, just long enough to set the paper on the couch to properly hold Tokiya. “I won’t slip.” Ranmaru promises quietly. This is the first time he had actively said he _wouldn’t_. Tokiya finds himself believing Ranmaru. “I don’t like the idea ‘a killin’ the butterfly either, but trust me. There’s no way I’m fuckin’ up _this_ art.”

Tokiya holds onto him tightly. “I’m glad.”

Ranmaru gets into an appointment quickly, having a good relationship with his tattoo artist already. At first, Tokiya had assumed it was just a consultation- but when Ranmaru comes back, hours after he was supposed to, he had actually gotten the tattoo. Tokiya had, of course, figured out what was going on an hour after Ranmaru should have been back. 

“What did you get?” Tokiya perks up, once Ranmaru’s properly inside. 

“Exactly what ya gave me.” Ranmaru comments. Rather than lifting his shirt- he completely takes it off. Ranmaru often slept without a shirt now- no longer having anything to hide. While the scars were still bittersweet- it was nice. To assure that Ranmaru hadn’t made any new ones. And Tokiya got to fully appreciate the tattoos on his chest, and it gave him more to trace. Tokiya moves, and despite Ranmaru’s answer- he’s still shocked to see _exactly_ what he drew. It’s a bit warped, under the plastic wrap, but it’s very clearly exactly Tokiya’s design. Tokiya moves back in front of Ranmaru, cradling one side of Ranmaru’s face and leaning forward to kiss him, being careful of the tattoo. 

“You really got my exact design.” Tokiya mumbles, almost in awe, when he pulls away. He’s incredibly touched- unbelievably so. 

“‘Course I did. Ya spent a while on it, right? ‘Sides. It looked good. ‘N there’s no way I’d mess this one up. ‘S kinda like the butterfly. You spent all this work on makin’ it for me, ‘n tryin’ ‘t find a way ‘t help me- ‘n ‘t ruin that feels ‘t me like I’d be spittin’ in yer face. ‘N that’s the last fuckin’ thing I wanna do, after everythin’ you’ve done.”

Tokiya pulls him in closer, to kiss him again. “I don’t know that I’ve said this enough, Ran- but I’m proud of you, you know? You make it sound so easy, but I know that it can’t be. You just… you’ve done so much. And I know you’re doing it for me- but you’ve done so much for yourself, you know. To cold turkey cut this habit after years and years… You’re doing so well.”

“...It’s not easy.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds just a bit unsteady. “It really isn’t. There’s a reason I ‘aven’t asked you fer my knife back. I just try my best ‘t distract myself. Throw myself into work, ‘r playin’ the bass, ‘r spendin’ more time with you. Things that make it easier, but trust me, it’s not at all as fuckin’ easy as I’m actin’ like it is. If it weren’t for you, Toki, there’s no way I wouldn’t ‘a slipped. If I even bothered ‘t stop at all.”

Tokiya’s fingers stroke Ranmaru’s jaw, and for a long moment, he’s quiet. His voice is quiet when he does speak. “I’m just… I’m glad I’m here then. And I’m planning to be here for a very long time, Ran. Even when you don’t need me. Or you at least don’t need me in the same way.” Ranmaru leans in, to kiss Tokiya’s forehead. 

“It’s late, babe. Let’s get ‘ta bed.”

Tokiya nods. Ranmaru settles in on the other side of the bed than he usually sleeps on, so that Tokiya can sleep against his side without bothering his new tattoo. Tokiya takes a longer moment to get into bed, and Ranmaru watches him curiously. After a long moment of hesitating, Tokiya takes off his shirt before he gets into bed. Ranmaru’s gaze makes him nervous, but he doesn’t go back for his shirt, climbing into the bed. 

“What spurred this?” Ranmaru mutters, wrapping his arm around Tokiya’s waist. It felt strange- Ranmaru’s arm against Tokiya’s bare skin, but it wasn’t an unwelcome feeling. 

“We have very different reasons for not wearing shirts around each other. And maybe if things hadn’t fallen the way they had this moment might be different- but as it is, you’ve stopped wearing your shirt to bed. I found that it’s only fair that I do the same.”

“Well.” Ranmaru gives Tokiya one last long look, before he finally closes his eyes, but even in the dimmer room Tokiya can see his smirk. “I was right. You’re way fuckin’ hotter with your shirt off.”


	53. Chapter Fifty-Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning!!! Domestic abuse  
if this upsets you please don't read!

“I knew I shouldn’t have let you go out.” Tokiya’s voice shakes a bit, concerned. His hand hovers just over Ranmaru’s cheek, where there’s already a large bruise forming. 

“‘M fine.” Ranmaru grumbles, brushing away Tokiya’s hand. “I just wanna get back ‘n sleep. I feel like shit.”

Tokiya’s frown deepens, but he nods. He grabs tightly onto Ranmaru’s hand, to lead him back to the car- but between Ranmaru’s alcohol consumption and his nausea, Ranmaru doesn’t seem to have an easy time following. Tokiya finally gets him into the passenger side of the car, buckling Ranmaru in. Tokiya was in pajamas- a sweatshirt and sweatpants, because he hadn’t expected to need to go out to get Ranmaru. 

But after Ranmaru had gotten into a bar fight, and had called Tokiya about it, Tokiya had come to get him. 

Ranmaru already hadn’t been feeling well that entire day, and Tokiya wasn’t fond of him going out in the first place. Of course, with Ranmaru being sick and stubborn, he had gone out anyways. By the time Tokiya has arrived back to his shared home with Ranmaru, Ranmaru is already asleep. Tokiya unbuckles him, but he’s a bit smaller than Ranmaru, and he has to gently shake the man awake. Ranmaru grumbles, but as Tokiya goes to help him inside, Ranmaru has to stop to throw up in the bushes near the front door. Tokiya rubs Ranmaru’s back as he supports him. 

When Tokiya lays Ranmaru down, he notices quickly just how _warm_ Ranmaru is, and it’s easy to tell that he has a fever. Tokiya sighs, petting through Ranmaru’s hair. He gets Ranmaru out of his jeans, and with some difficulty he gets him out of his shirt, too. He leans down, to press a kiss to Ranmaru’s forehead, though Ranmaru’s eyes are already closed. He’s not quite asleep yet- he looks too uncomfortable to be. 

“I’ll be back.” Tokiya promises. “I’m going to go out to get you some medicine.” Tokiya sighs. Ranmaru’s noise is a mumble at best, but it does seem like he’s quickly falling asleep. 

Tokiya isn’t gone for very long- though it does take him a long few moments to pick out the kind of fever medication he thinks will help Ranmaru best. Ranmaru had clearly been getting sick, but it seemed worse tonight than it had before, which was already beginning to worry Tokiya. Tokiya would just have to keep an eye on him was all, Tokiya guessed. 

When Tokiya arrives back- there are two cars outside of his house, and he’s admittedly a bit shocked. He recognizes them both- one belonging to Reiji, and the other to Ren. 

Reiji is outside of his car, standing next to Otoya, and both of them seem serious. Ren and Masato are outside of their car, but they’re closer to the door of Tokiya and Ranmaru’s house. Tokiya is confused, to say the least. Reiji’s expression is surprisingly cold, when Tokiya makes eye contact with him. Otoya looks disappointed, and Tokiya is _bewildered_. What had _he_ done?

“Why are you all outside of my house?” Tokiya isn’t defensive, he’s curious, but that isn’t how they seem to take it. 

“We’re here to look after our friend.” Otoya says quietly. Tokiya knows they don’t mean him. 

“Ran?” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. “He’s sick, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

“I don’t think that’s a very good idea.” Reiji sounds grim, which takes Tokiya aback.

“I hate to kick you out of your home, Icchi.” Ren says, and his voice is almost soft. There’s an air of grimness to his own tone as well. “But it might be better for you to stay somewhere else for a few nights.”

“What?” Tokiya’s voice comes out sharp. It was too late for this, and Tokiya needed to give Ranmaru the medicine he bought- he should be _inside_, caring for Ranmaru right now. Not standing outside with three of his bandmates and his senior, getting a mix of suspicious, horrified and sad looks. “What are you talking about?”

“We’ll keep an eye on him until he’s better!” Reiji’s encouragement falls a bit flat. Tokiya realizes that he’s angry. 

“Just until we can speak to him.” Ren assures quietly. “There are a few things we need to clear up with him, before anything goes back to normal.”

“...You’re not going to let me into my own house?” Tokiya asks quietly. “I don’t know what you’re going on about, but Ran _is_ my fiance. As I’m sure you’re all well aware.”

“That’s not an excuse.” Otoya says quietly, his voice shaking. Otoya shakes his head. “Ren’s right! We just need to wait until we can talk to Ranmaru.”

“But until then-” Reiji speaks up. Tokiya has noticed that Masato is silent. Unsure. “I think you should spend a few days somewhere else, Tokiya.” Tokiya almost flinches at the use of his first name. He stands still for a moment, his jaw tensing and untensing, and then he finally steps forward. Reiji seems to tense, especially when Tokiya passes him, to go to Ren- and Ren’s face changes. He seems conflicted, but prepared to stop Tokiya, should Tokiya try to push past him. 

Tokiya’s chest constricts, but he holds out the plastic bag to Ren, his voice dropping. “If you’re not going to let me give it to him myself, at least give him this. It’s fever medication.” His statement seems to twist Masato’s uncertain expression further. Ren takes the bag with a nod.

All Tokiya had was his car, his phone, his keys and his wallet. It wasn’t much. 

He knew that they could all get into his room. Ren had a key- and if anyone in STARISH desperately needed Tokiya, they could get the key from Ren, but Ren was their most often visitor. Quartet Night had a key, too, that Tokiya imagined Reiji usually carried- and that was because sometimes when Ranmaru didn’t get much sleep, he’d end up sleeping through his alarm- and so usually a Quartet Night boy would check up on him for a last minute interview or practice session. And sometimes, when Ranmaru tried to skip meet ‘n greets, Reiji would show up and drag Ranmaru to them anyways. 

Tokiya has no idea why they had forced him out of his house- and he wonders if he should have put up more resistance, but it was late, and now he was upset. He should be at home, giving Ranmaru the medicine he bought and going to sleep. 

Tokiya has a horrible feeling settled in his gut, and it only gets worse when he pulls over to figure out just where he’s going. Because the only people he could call to ask to stay over were currently at his house. He’d find a nearby, cheaper motel, and that’s where he’d go. He’d barely hit check-in time, but at least he’d get a room. It’s when he finally gets in that he finally looks at the notifications he had gotten on his phone, and he’s _horrified_. 

There are three pictures, trending on a social media platform- all of Tokiya and Ranmaru. The first picture is a picture of Tokiya’s hand, hovering over Ranmaru’s cheek outside of the club. The second is a closer up picture of Ranmaru’s bruised face- and the last is Tokiya leading Ranmaru away. Ranmaru looks miserable in all three. 

Of course, Tokiya knows that his misery comes from the fight he had been in, and how sick he felt. But to see the pictures, especially in the order they were put in, even _Tokiya_ feels like a terrible person. 

Tokiya’s eyes are too wide, staring at his phone. 

He’d _never_ lay a hand on Ranmaru. There’s nothing Ranmaru could ever do to get Tokiya to try to hit him. 

But it was going to take at least a day for Ranmaru to wake up, because Ranmaru slept heavily while he was sick, and to add drinking to it… 

And it still wouldn’t _blow over_, because now this horrific lie was spreading online. Even his own friends were taking it seriously. Tokiya is torn. 

He wishes that they’d have asked him, and would have believed him when he would have told them that, of course, he’d never hurt Ranmaru. But he can’t ignore that they clearly came to aid Ranmaru because they cared- and that was still a relief to Tokiya. Even if he wishes that his friends would believe _him_, too. 

Tokiya doesn’t sleep that night, looking through all of the comments. He had gotten an insane amount of backlash- something that he would absolutely agree he deserved, if this story were true. Even knowing that his story was misconstrued, it hurt. It really hurt, reading through all of these comments- telling him that this wasn’t love. 

Tokiya agreed. But whether it was wrong or not, being blamed for hurting Ranmaru… hurt. 

Tokiya does consider posting something, just to clear things up, but he doesn’t. At least not yet. Before anything else he needed to speak with Ranmaru and clear things starting there. 

Tokiya’s next mistake had actually been trying to go for a walk. He didn’t have anything he could use to disguise himself- and while STARISH were on the edge of retirement, (the reason that he and Ranmaru were currently engaged but also why they were _only_ engaged) Tokiya was very recognizable. There had actually been a few times where he had been bumped into, rather roughly- but on one of the times he had stumbled, he hadn’t caught himself in time to be hit directly in the face by a heavy wooden door- leading to a staircase that leads up to a shop.

He had been apologized to, because the person opening the door hadn’t meant to hit him, of course, but that had been the point where Tokiya had fled back to his motel room to go take care of his quickly blackening eye. He winces, looking into the mirror. His head was absolutely pounding, and his nose stung, too, though not as bad as his swelled eye. 

Tokiya was sick of the dirty looks, and the mean comments. And now this- 

Tokiya hated feeling guilty when he didn’t deserve to, but it was unavoidable. Of course he felt like shit. 

Who wouldn’t? Being accused of hitting your partner when you didn’t.

Tokiya actually does manage to fall asleep, and when he wakes up, it’s to two missed calls from Ranmaru. Luckily, they were only about twenty minutes ago, but Tokiya is still fast to call him back. Ranmaru answers on the second ring, and he sounds groggy. He sounds _sick_. 

“Toki?”

“Ran.” Tokiya sighs. “I’m sorry I’m not there.”

“Yeah.” Tokiya can almost picture Ranmaru’s eyes narrowing. “Where the fuck are you?”

“...A lot’s happened, in the past night.” A terrible realization hits Tokiya, and he cuts Ranmaru off just as Ranmaru begins to speak. “Wait, you aren’t alone are you?”

Ranmaru sounds annoyed. “I went downstairs when I heard noises ‘n saw fuckin’ Reiji on the couch, ‘n I went back up.”

Tokiya sighs again- but at least Ranmaru wasn’t completely alone. 

“Now. Where are you? Y’didn’t answer my question.”

Tokiya’s voice lowers. It’s grim. “I’m at a motel. ...Have you been on any social media apps today?”

“‘Course not.” Ranmaru grunts. “I was busy tryin’ ‘t figure out where you were ‘n why Reiji was in our house.”

“...Someone posted pictures last night with the narrative that I hit you. They’re viral, now, and I think that the boys are under the impression that they might be real.”

“What?” Ranmaru sounds pissed. “Well, they’re not. Why would you just _leave?_ Why wouldn’t you defend yourself?”

“Honestly, I had no idea what they were going on about. I went home, and they told me that I should… not be there, for the next few days. I suppose it makes more sense now… they’re planning to ask _you_ about it, while I’m not there. Of course, they couldn’t have chosen a worse time. I’m sorry I’m not there to take care of you.”

“You sound real tired, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is still clearly angry. “I want you ‘t come back, ‘n we can get this shit done with now.”

“Alright.” Tokiya is quick to relent. “You might want to bring it up to Reiji now, Ran. ...I’m likely to be stopped.”

“Which is fuckin’ stupid.” Ranmaru grumbles. “Like you’d fuckin’ hit me. Like I’d fuckin’ let you, even if you tried.”

Tokiya frowns. “I know, Ran. But the important part is that you and I know it isn’t true. The important thing is that I don’t.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru sighs. “Well. I want you back ‘ere.”

“I’ll come back.” Tokiya promises quietly. “...I think I’m going to have to call a car, though.” Tokiya’s vision is significantly worse, with his swollen eye- and then there’s his lack of sleep. “Unless-” Tokiya could go grab something along the lines of an energy drink. He could probably handle the vision issues. He’s going to bring these up, but he’s interrupted before he can.

“_Call a car, Tokiya._” Ranmaru’s voice is scolding. “_Do not_ get into your car if you’re not safe ‘t drive.”

“...Alright. When everything’s calmed down, we’ll have to figure out how to get the car back.” Tokiya’s frown returns, and he hears Ranmaru click his tongue. 

“That’s gonna be easy enough ‘t figure out. A lot easier than you crashin’ your car ‘n gettin’ hurt. There’s enough shit going on without that.”

“I know, Ran. I’ll call a car.” 

“Good. When d’ya think you’re gonna be back?”

“Assuming the car comes within five minutes, I’d say no longer than twenty.”

“Alright. ...Just be careful, babe.”

“I will, Ran. I promise.”

The car comes in three minutes, and Tokiya gets to his home a few minutes earlier. Reiji’s car is still parked in front of his house. Tokiya actually feels nervous, when he sees Ren pull up in his own car- Otoya in the passenger side. Otoya’s out first, and when Tokiya speaks, his voice is too soft. “Ran asked me himself to come back.”

“Icchi-” Ren sighs. “Will you wait out here? I’d just like to ask him.”

Tokiya nods. He doesn’t feel welcome in his own home- a frustrating sentiment when he wasn’t truly at fault. 

Ren goes inside, and Otoya seems to shift, unsure of what to even say. He looks down, and Tokiya knows that his own silence seems suspicious, but he doesn’t have anything to say, either. Tokiya looks up when the door opens- but _Ranmaru_ is the first one out. Ren is behind him, and Reiji is trailing after both of them. 

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow when he sees Tokiya’s face. He obviously had a reason for coming outside, but it’s nearly forgotten when he approaches Tokiya, his hand moving to the uninjured side of Tokiya’s face. There’s clear anger in his expression- so prominent that if Ranmaru weren’t as pale as he was, Tokiya might even forget how unwell Ranmaru clearly feels. Tokiya’s hand raises to Ranmaru’s hand, squeezing it gently. “It was a bad string of events. I got hit by a door, but it was an accident.”

Ranmaru’s jaw tenses, and Tokiya squeezes Ranmaru’s hand again. “We obviously have things to talk about.” Tokiya says quietly. “But I’d feel better if we went inside with this. I’d like to see you sitting down, Ran. Did you at least take the medicine I brought?”

When Ranmaru glances back to the group of men behind him, he almost seems exasperated. Tokiya thinks that he can see various levels of embarrassment on most of the men’s faces- some hidden better than others. Ranmaru’s arm wraps tightly around Tokiya’s shoulders, and while Tokiya prepares himself to support Ranmaru, Ranmaru either refuses Tokiya’s help or doesn’t need it. The boys do follow them inside, but Ranmaru makes a point to sit on the couch, with Tokiya on the edge, Ranmaru’s arm never leaving Tokiya’s shoulders. 

The other boys find their way to their own places in the small apartment living room. Ranmaru looks at Tokiya first. “Show me what you were talkin’ about.” Tokiya nods, shifting to take out his phone. Ranmaru clicks his tongue angrily when he looks at the pictures, having taken the phone from Tokiya. 

“Without proper context, they look bad.” Tokiya admits quietly to Ranmaru. 

“Some fuckin’ people ‘r just shit.” Ranmaru growls. “‘N this is all shit, too. Fuckin’ assholes tryin’ ‘t make drama where there isn’t any.” Ranmaru puts Tokiya’s phone to sleep on instinct, scowling, and then his attention turns to the three men in the living room, still angry. “I’m real fuckin’ disappointed that any ‘a you would fall for this.”

Tokiya reaches to Ranmaru’s knee, squeezing it. Trying to gently calm him. Tokiya addresses Ranmaru, but speaks just loud enough for the entire room to hear. “It’s not their fault, Ran. They were worried about you, and they just wanted to hear that you were alright from _you_.”

Ranmaru’s head turns towards Tokiya, and Tokiya is frozen by Ranmaru’s stern expression. “Hit me.”

“_What?_” Tokiya’s eyes widen- and he _almost_ misses everyone else’s reactions. Ren’s silent shock, Otoya’s discomfort, Reiji’s shifting. “No!” 

“Hit me.” Ranmaru insists. “‘M tryin’ to prove a point.”

Tokiya is stunned into silence for a long moment, but between the lack of sleep and the entirety of last night, he can’t ignore the burning he can feel in his eyes, and it’s clearly just as obvious to Ranmaru, because he clicks his tongue, moving to hold Tokiya’s chin between his index finger and thumb, tilting Tokiya’s head up for a long moment before finally letting go of Tokiya’s face. 

“Yeah.” Ranmaru’s voice lowers, finally dropping it. His expression returns to anger when his attention is away from Tokiya. “I dunno what I’m angrier at. You _all_ should know Tokiya pretty fuckin’ well. It kind of pisses me off that you weren’t more _skeptical_ about this. Why you couldn’t just talk to _’im_ first. ‘N then there’s the whole thing where this ‘s never been an issue before. ‘N if you really wanna ignore everythin’ else- the only one in this room that’s got any excuse ‘t believe _I’d_ let this happen is him.” Ranmaru nods towards Otoya, tilting his chin. “I don’t let people _look_ at me wrong. ‘M not lettin’ _my_ relationship turn toxic.” Ranmaru groans, slumping down further into the couch, but he’s returned to holding Tokiya to his side. He’s still clearly frustrated, but his exhaustion is starting to show. “Look. Here’s the fuckin’ facts. I felt like shit yesterday, ‘n I went out to go drink, ‘n I got in a bar fight. I called Tokiya real fuckin’ late at night, and he was worried about me. The bruise is from the fight, not from Tokiya, ‘n I was drunk off ‘a my ass. Tokiya picked me up after I’d already been hit. Everythin’ clear?”

There’s a long moment of silence, but Ren is the first to speak up. “I’m sorry, Icchi. We should have been better, at speaking to you first about the situation.”

“We were worried!” Reiji says during Ren’s pause. Reiji rubs the back of his neck. “But Ren-Ren’s right.” Despite his nicknames, Reiji’s voice is apologetic. 

Otoya’s head is hung. “We didn’t want to doubt you.” Otoya does sound genuine. “But if there were any truth to it…”

“I’m not angry.” Tokiya says quietly. 

“You should be.” Ranmaru scowls. 

Tokiya sighs, leaning into Ranmaru. Reiji winces. “I’m not because I understand.” Tokiya says gently. “I do wish you had brought it up to me. But I can’t be angry that you were worried about Ran. And I agree that talking to Ran was the best way to check. But I wouldn’t ever hurt him.” Tokiya’s voice is still soft, but it’s firm. “I understand that it was a lot to throw at… everyone. And you did respond in… record time. I just hope that you all trust me _and_ Ran a bit more. Besides-” Tokiya shakes his head. “Ran is twice my size. I doubt I’d land a hit even I decided to try.” 

Tokiya can feel Ranmaru’s eyes roll. 

“...If it’s any consolation.” Ren says quietly. “Hijiri isn’t here because he didn’t believe you did it last night, either.”

“He didn’t want us to accuse you.” Otoya adds, with a sheepish nod. 

Reiji rubs the back of his neck, wincing. “He brought up a few of our own scandals-” Reiji’s laugh sounds almost a bit nervous. “We should have taken it to heart.”

Ranmaru huffs. “Thanks to whoever posted this bullshit, ‘m gonna have ‘t make a fuckin’ post ‘a my own. Can’t believe I really haft’a tell people that Toki doesn’t fuckin’ smack me around in public.”

Tokiya winces. “Ran-”

“I know it’s an issue, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “But I just don’t appreciate everyone bein’ so fast ‘t label you as an abuser. I might get it more the other way, but-”

“I don’t like that any better.” Tokiya’s voice is sharper than he means it to be. Ranmaru sighs. 

“I know. But fer now- I feel like shit. So if you’re not supposed ‘t be ‘ere, get out.” Ranmaru scowls. “‘N Ren?” 

The three men had been starting to get up, but Ren stills- and Otoya and Reiji do, too. Otoya because Ren was his ride, and Reiji out of curiosity. “Hmm?”

“If ya wanna make this shit up, Toki’s got ‘is car at a motel.”

“Are you asking me to bring it back?”

“Yeah.”

“Of course.” Ren nods. “I’ll have it back by later tonight.”

“I’ll send you the address. My keys are still on the desk.” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. “Thank you, Ren.”

“Of course.” Ren’s voice softens. “I’m sorry again, Icchi.”

“It’s fine.” Tokiya assures. “I’ll tell you all what I told Ran, and that’s that the important part is that this _isn’t_ true. It matters that our relationship _is_ healthy.”

“But heaven fuckin’ forbid that anythin’ like this happens again- and should it- I fully fuckin’ expect Toki ‘t get a lot more fuckin’ support than he did this time.” Ranmaru grumbles. “Now get out.”

This time, they leave, though Ren does take Tokiya’s keys. 

Ranmaru wraps both arms around Tokiya, holding him close. “‘N you.” Ranmaru’s voice is still a grumble. “I know you were confused. ‘N I know why you’re not real angry at ‘em, even though I dunno if that’s right ‘r not- ...I’d want ‘em ‘t make sure you’re safe first thing, too… but this is your house, Toki, ‘n we’re _fine_. Fight fer yourself a ‘lil more next time.”

“Hopefully, there never will be a next time.” Ranmaru grunts. 

“I wanna go lay down with you.” Ranmaru mutters. “But when I’m up again, I’ll have ‘t make a post. Tell people that it’s all bullshit.”

“...I know you’re not huge on addressing scandals, but this one seems worth it.” Tokiya says grimly. “For the matter of your safety, more than anything else.”

“‘N fer you, too, Toki.” Ranmaru sounds frustrated. “I didn’t see what people were sayin’, but if you can get hate for _existin’_, I can’t imagine what people ‘r sayin’ here, ‘n it pisses me off ‘t think about you gettin’ all kinds of hate that you don’t deserve.”

Tokiya frowns, leaning further into Ranmaru. “As long as it’s cleared.” Tokiya decides. “It just… infuriates me. There are people that really could _use_ help, and instead someone who _must_ have seen what actually happened still chose to pull this narrative.” The anger finally creeps into Tokiya’s voice. He swallows hard, and then he sighs, relaxing as he does. “But let’s lay down first.” 

It still takes a long moment for Tokiya and Ranmaru to stand, but they finally do. This time, Tokiya really does have to support Ranmaru. Tokiya notices that the medicine is outside of the door, and Tokiya sighs. He lays Ranmaru down before he goes to go get it. 

“Was this you, or was this Ren?” Tokiya’s eyebrow raises. Ranmaru huffs. 

“There was a knock on the door ‘n I really didn’t pay much attention. Only made me realize y’weren’t ‘ere.”

Tokiya sighs, shaking his head, but he opens the medicine. “Well, before we lay down, I’d like you to take it.”

Ranmaru groans, but he sits up, and Tokiya pours the dose into the cap. 

It isn’t until Ranmaru’s taken in, making a face at the taste, and Tokiya takes it back that he realizes what Ranmaru’s wearing and Tokiya manages a soft smile. “Are you wearing my shirt?”

“Honestly think ‘m wearin’ your pants, too.” Ranmaru mumbles, his eyes closing. “They were close.”

“Were they?” Tokiya’s voice is a bit teasing. It’s weak, and tired, but the warm feeling in his chest settles in heavily when Ranmaru grunts an affirmation- because Tokiya knows very well that it’s not true. Ranmaru’s clothes from last night were on the floor by the bed, and Tokiya’s drawer, where Ranmaru had gotten the clothes from, were further than even the closet was.

Tokiya puts away the medicine, and then finally goes to move to the empty side of the bed- but then he’s stopped, when Ranmaru pulls Tokiya on top of him. Tokiya catches himself, but not completely- not enough to avoid hovering over Ranmaru. Ranmaru’s arms tighten over his chest, knocking Tokiya down on top of him. 

“Just stay ‘ere fer a minute, will ya?” Ranmaru mumbles. “I want you close.” 

Tokiya sighs, laying his head on Ranmaru’s shoulder. He tilts his head up, his nose pressing to the underside of Ranmaru’s jaw. “I’m not crushing you, am I?”

“You’re not.” Ranmaru assures. “I feel better, havin’ you right here. ...It scared me, earlier, y’know.” Ranmaru’s voice darkens. “‘T wake up with Reiji in the livin’ room ‘n you not in the house. I was scared that somethin’ happened. ‘N I guess it did. So I just… wanna remedy that. ‘S much as I can. ‘S the best I’ve got right now.”

Tokiya sighs. “We’ll get through it, Ran. It’s important that we take this seriously. It’s… a difficult situation and a hard topic. But we need to just… We need to take care of each other. It’s just… important that we care for each other, at the end of the day. It’s important that we’re healthy and that we know we are, right?” Tokiya’s hand raises, gently stroking Ranmaru’s cheek. “And I know that I love you. And I know that you love me. And you take very good care of me, and I’d like to believe I do the same.” Tokiya’s eyes close. He’s careful in resting against Ranmaru, but Ranmaru’s grip stays tight. “We’ll get through this.” Tokiya finally settles on. “But for now.” Tokiya’s voice gentles. “You’re sick. You’ve been sick, and I already feel terrible that you’ve had to push yourself today. Let’s just take a nap.”

Ranmaru hums. “You gonna be able to sleep like this?”

“If this makes you feel better, baby, then of course I can.” Tokiya’s hand curls into Ranmaru’s shirt. 

“It does.” Ranmaru grunts.

“...I’m glad. Because it makes me feel better, too.”


	54. Fifty-Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings!!! 
> 
> Suicide, depression, SH/gore/injury

Tokiya was quiet, sat in the corner of the room. He was dressed in hospital scrubs, because he had no friends or family to bring him anything else. His feet were pulled up onto the chair, and his arms were crossed against his chest, his face closed off. 

“Why don’t we go around the room and give a short explanation of who we are and why we’re here?” The therapist in the room had a soft voice that only served to irritate Tokiya. 

The first man was sitting to Tokiya’s right. Tokiya had about two empty seats in between them. 

“‘S none of your business.” The man’s jaw tightens, and he leans back in his seat, crossing his own arms firmly over his chest. The woman frowns, but her eyes glance over to Tokiya. 

Tokiya’s answer was the same that it had been for the past five days. He’d shake his head, and she’d move on.

The man that hadn’t answered was new. Tokiya had watched them bring him in last night. Tokiya was only ever in the lounge area because there was a bookshelf out there. No one spoke to Tokiya. 

He was alone outside of this damned place, and he was alone inside of it, too. 

Tokiya thought the entirety of the program was stupid, but he had been just as stupid with his actual attempt. 

Tokiya stops paying attention to the rest of the room after he had been passed, and he doesn’t say anything until they finally release the group. 

Tokiya goes to read. 

When they call everyone’s names for lunch, Tokiya arrives too late to get a table to himself. Or, maybe it’s because of the new patient, who is sitting at Tokiya’s usual empty table. Tokiya sighs under his breath- but he heads to the table with his tray. The other tables had a minimum of four people each, and some were even full. He had been invited over, the first two days, but when he had simply stared, people stopped inviting him. 

“Can I sit here?” Tokiya stops at the opposite end of the round table- across from the man. The man simply grunts, and Tokiya takes it as an affirmative. The man says nothing after he sits, so Tokiya assumes he’s right. 

The table is completely silent all of lunch. The man does give Tokiya a long look when Tokiya stands, holding his mostly full plate. 

The same thing happens at dinner that night.

That night, Tokiya is told that he won’t be alone in his room anymore, and he’s admittedly sour about it. He hated roommates. It made him uncomfortable, sleeping in the same room as a stranger, and he had just gotten rid of his last roommate.

Tokiya doesn’t say anything. He just sits on his bed. 

A few minutes later, the man walks in. Tokiya noticed he had a visitor visit, and he’s guessing that’s where the clothes the man is carrying came from. The man sets them on the shelf of the wardrobe on his side of the room, and he sits on the bed. It’s completely silent. Tokiya just gets himself under the blanket and faces away from the man.

The man lays down, a few minutes after, and does the same. 

It isn’t until lunch the next day that the man finally talks to Tokiya, while they’re sitting at the table together.

“How long ‘ve you been here?” It sounds a bit awkward. Tokiya glances up, watching him for a long few seconds- and it seems as if the man was about to give up on it when Tokiya finally responds. 

“It’s been about six days.”

“Shit.” The man seems surprised. “Are you being released soon then?”

“Probably not.” Tokiya focuses back on picking at his food as he continues. “I’d like to be. But I’m not willing to participate in the groups and they’re likely going to keep me until I do.”

“If y’wanna leave, then why don’t you?”

“It’s bullshit.” Tokiya says flatly. “If all it took to not want to kill myself was to think positively and meditate, then I wouldn’t be here, would I?”

The man snorts, taking a bite of his food. “‘M with ya there. Feels like most ‘a this shit is comin’ outta a self help book.”

Tokiya smiles. It’s small, but it’s the first smile he’s given the entire time he’s been here. “I’m Tokiya.”

“Ranmaru.”

Tokiya nods. He gathers his mostly untouched plate, and begins to stand. 

“Oi.” Tokiya raises an eyebrow. “If you’re not gonna eat the fruit, pass it here. They’re just gonna toss it, anyways.”

Tokiya hands Ranmaru the banana and he nods. 

“Thanks.”

“Of course.” 

Later that afternoon, Ranmaru joins the group of people that go outside for a smoke break. He was one of the few people in the group that joined just for the chance to get out of the building. Tokiya had followed the group to go get a donor cigarette. 

“You smoke?” Ranmaru raises his eyebrow, joining Tokiya in his spot leaning against the building.

“No.” Tokiya’s answer was honest. “But I used to. I’d say that I doubt I’d pick the habit back up here, but I guess that depends on how long I stay.”

“How’d you get in here?”

Tokiya hesitates, but then he lifts his free hand and moves the collar of the scrubs, better showing off the bandage he has, wrapped around his chest but covering his shoulder. “I tried to shoot myself. I obviously didn’t know what I was doing, and my hand slipped, and I only managed to hit a thin part of my shoulder. The bullet went right through, the neighbors called the police at the noise, and I wasn’t able to regain myself quickly enough to try again.”

Ranmaru nods. His voice drops, and gets flatter. “I went the same route. ‘Ve got a gun for self-defense. Had one, I guess. My partner came in right ‘fore I could do anythin’ ‘n sent me here.”

Partner. 

Tokiya hadn’t known Ranmaru enough to properly like him- and Tokiya knew that. But he had already started developing a crush on the man. Tokiya had an issue, with falling for people that gave him positive attention, and Ranmaru was no different. So to hear that he was taken had Tokiya angrily lecturing himself in his head for being stupid. 

Tokiya hadn’t been to a counselor in a long time, and that was largely because the last time he had, he had been hospitalized for ideation, and it made him distrustful. But the therapist then had asked him what his goal was- and it had been to find a partner. 

She said it was a doable goal. A realistic one. 

Yeah. 

Sure it was.

Tokiya is saved from a response by the attendant that was outside with them who calls for them all to come back inside. 

The group that day involves them creating a safety plan. Tokiya takes a long look at the paper, and he stands, leaving the group room. 

He heads straight for his room, and he stays there for the rest of the night, skipping dinner.

He isn’t asleep when Ranmaru comes in, but he’s acting like he is, so he’s left alone. During breakfast the next morning, Ranmaru asks him about it. 

“What happened yesterday?”

“I despise the safety plan.” Tokiya mumbles, his head resting on his fist. He’s not even pretending to play around with his food this morning. He’s just not touching it. “I live alone, and I have no friends to contact. I’m a writer- so I have no work friends. I hardly even speak directly to my editor. They value going to speak to other people, but I have no one to speak to. It’s pointless.” 

And upsetting. 

Tokiya doesn’t add that.

Tokiya had friends in high school, but that was the last time he did. He had worked several jobs, and thought he was on friendly relations, but when he left that job, he lost whatever little connection he had. He hadn’t dated since he was a freshman in highschool. 

“I see.” Ranmaru’s voice is grim. 

This was something Ranmaru likely couldn’t fully understand. At least not in this point of his life. 

If Tokiya hadn’t lived in an apartment complex- he wouldn’t be here. And it would be better. He wasn’t here for the reason Ranmaru was. 

Ranmaru was here because Ranmaru had someone that cared enough about him that they wanted him to live. 

Tokiya was here because his neighbors were frightened by gunfire. 

In group, Ranmaru actually speaks up. It’s short, and fairly impersonal, but the leader of the group nods in satisfaction at his participation. 

Tokiya shakes his head when it comes around to him. 

At smoke break, Tokiya comments on it. “I see you’ve decided you want to leave.” 

Ranmaru snorts, shaking his head. “I don’t really give a shit about ‘participation’ or whatever, but Ren wanted me ‘t try.”

“Ren. Is that your partner?”

“Yeah. If you want ‘t meet him, I think he’s vistin’ tonight. He’s a real… nice guy.”

“...Maybe.” 

In the end, Tokiya isn’t sure why, but he does meet Ren. 

“This is Tokiya.” Ranmaru is sitting at the table he sits at during meals. Ren is sitting to his right, and Tokiya is at Ranmaru’s left, though sitting further away from him than Ren is. 

Ren smiles at him. He’s a pretty man. He seems to have an outwardly kind demeanor, in Tokiya’s opinion. “It’s nice to meet you, Tokiya. I’m Ren.”

Tokiya nods. 

Ren doesn’t seem too off put by Tokiya’s silence. 

Tokiya doesn’t stay long into the visit, because he doesn’t feel right, intruding into it. 

Ren speaks, as Tokiya leaves. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Tokiya. If you’d like to join us again tomorrow, you’re welcome to.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya mumbles, though he leaves quickly after that, heading to his room. 

Tokiya does join them again the next night, though not for much longer than he had the night before. That day, Ranmaru had participated in the groups again. Tokiya continued to refuse. 

The next day goes very similar- though Ren doesn’t visit that night. Ranmaru and Tokiya sit on the floor with a deck of cards and play a few card games. 

Tokiya had known it was a mistake to speak to Ranmaru- because the next day he had left his meeting with the psychiatrist, and had let Tokiya know that they were releasing him the next night, so long as he kept doing well in the remaining groups. 

Tokiya had nodded. “That’s good.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru had watched Tokiya closely, but whatever he had thought had remained in his head. 

Ranmaru _had_ done just as well the next day. 

They had all been given journals. Tokiya hadn’t touched his, because he never took any notes in the groups. 

Tokiya had been there for a week and half at this point. Maybe a bit more. 

His lack of participation was going to keep him longer, he was sure. But he had already racked up a bill, and he had nothing to go back to. What did it matter?

A mere two hours before Ranmaru was set to be released, he had taken Tokiya’s notebook and a marker he had borrowed, and he had written down a number in Tokiya’s book. His own. 

Tokiya had watched him quietly, and then Ranmaru had ripped a piece out of Tokiya’s notebook, and had handed him the paper and the marker. “I dunno that you’re really gonna call me, so give me your number, too.”

Tokiya honestly had the same thought in regards to Ranmaru- but he’d still write down his own cellphone number, and Ranmaru would take it. 

“‘Ve got one more thing for ya.” Ranmaru had already been given a bag to put the things that Ren had brought him in, to make them easier to bring out. But Ranmaru had left two things outside of the bed- a pair of sweatpants and a sweater, ones Tokiya hadn’t seen him wear. Ranmaru offers them to Tokiya. 

“I couldn’t.” Tokiya looks genuinely surprised. “I can’t steal your clothes.”

“I’ve got plenty, ‘n you’ve been in scrubs since I’ve been here. Take ‘em. I can get ‘em back later.” Tokiya still looks uncertain, but Ranmaru has pushed them into his hands. “Go. Change into ‘em before I leave.”

“Ranmaru-”

“‘M serious. Those scrubs can’t be comfortable.”

Tokiya holds tightly onto the clothes in his hand, and he ducks his head for a second, his fingers tightening on them, and then he swallows and nods. “Alright.” His voice is quiet. 

Ranmaru does wait until Tokiya exits the bathroom, wearing the clothes, and he nods. “Good.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. 

“‘Course.” 

An attendant comes in, not long after, to get Ranmaru to fill out paperwork. “Hang in there, Tokiya. Alright?”

Tokiya nods. 

Ranmaru does say goodbye to him, before he leaves with Ren, but it feels like a last goodbye. Maybe Tokiya would end up messaging Ranmaru when he got out- just to mail back the clothes.

That night, Tokiya feels the worst he had yet. He hadn’t even felt this miserable the first night he had gotten here. 

Because Tokiya had been used to being lonely. Finding someone to be his friend here, and then losing them, was a difficult thing. Tokiya hated the empty room. 

He had stayed in his room almost the entire day the next day, but when evening rolled around, an attendant entered his room. “Tokiya? You have visitors.”

Tokiya’s look turns incredulous. He’s sure she must be wrong. She must have fetched the wrong person- but he’d still follow her out. 

Tokiya is sure that the shock is clear on his face when he sees Ren and Ranmaru sitting at the table. When Tokiya blinks, he can feel that he’s already beginning to cry, but he forces himself to move, sitting a bit stiffly with them at the table. 

“C’mon, y’shouldn’t be _that_ surprised.” Ranmaru’s expression is hard to read. Ren smiles at him, but it looks almost a bit worried. 

“I just… didn’t expect that you’d visit.” Tokiya’s voice is thick, but he rubs at his eyes. 

“Well.” Ranmaru’s voice turns almost a bit stern. “A big part ‘a the reason ‘m here is ‘t tell you ‘t stop bein’ so stubborn.” Tokiya blinks at him, and he continues. “I completely agree that this whole thing is bullshit-”

“Ran!” Ren elbows Ranmaru in the side, and Ranmaru grumbles. 

“He said it first.” Ren shakes his head, exasperated. Tokiya’s amusement doesn’t show on his face, but it’s there. Ranmaru keeps going. “But you’re gonna be here the rest ‘a your life if you don’t at least give it a shot.”

“They’re not going to let me out without a finished safety plan.” Tokiya mumbles. 

“You’ve got my number. Write me down for your contact.”

“Am… am I right to do that?” 

“We’re friends now, Tokiya. Whether you like it or not.”

Tokiya laughs. It’s short, and a bit weak- but it’s real. 

Tokiya had found out, particularly towards the end of Ranmaru’s stay, that he was _funny_. Ranmaru had made Tokiya laugh several times, which was more times than he’s probably laughed in at least a few months. 

They didn’t leave after that, which Tokiya had admittedly expected. Rather, Ranmaru had told Tokiya to fetch a set of cards, and the three of them played a few games until visiting hours ended. 

Tokiya was stuck in the hospital for another three and a half days. His participation wasn’t perfect- but he had been there too long, and at that point, they needed his bed, and any improvement was good improvement. 

Ren and Ranmaru had come to visit all three days. 

The first two days, Ranmaru had started out with making Tokiya tell him how Tokiya was doing in groups. Tokiya admitted that it was a weak effort, but he had at least filled out his safety plan. 

“I still think it’s total bullshit.” 

It had made Ranmaru laugh, and it had made Ren sigh, and shake his head. 

Tokiya had learned a surprising amount about Ren over the three visiting days. He was a professional photographer, and had won several _dart_ competitions. Tokiya didn’t even know that those were a thing. 

Ren had also been on the other end of the camera, having had a few modeling gigs. 

Ren had admitted that he knew a decent amount about Tokiya, because Ranmaru had been fairly vocal about him- which earned Ren an elbow to the ribs. Ren had pouted, rubbing his side dramatically. Tokiya was certain Ranmaru hadn’t jabbed him nearly as hard as Ren was acting like he had. 

Ren and Ranmaru had two cats, Lily and Orchid- and they both loved Ranmaru and tolerated Ren. 

On the third day, Tokiya had let them know that he was going to be released- and to his surprise, Ren offered to pick him up. 

“I’d hate to be a bother. I can just order a ride home.” Tokiya’s head had ducked, in the way it had when Ranmaru had offered him the clothes. 

“It’s no bother at all.” Ren assures. “If anything, it would be my pleasure.”

Tokiya’s answer comes slow, but they’re both quiet as they wait for it. “...Alright.”

Ren smiles at Tokiya. It’s not entirely enough to calm Tokiya down, but it does help a bit. 

Ren gives Tokiya his number, and Tokiya brings it up to the doctor during the release paperwork the next day- and they call Ren. He shows up to pick Tokiya up, and Tokiya is surprised to see that it’s only Ren. 

Despite Tokiya’s assurance that he can hold the small bag, Ren still helps him with it. 

When they get into the car, Ranmaru is waiting. Tokiya is a bit confused, to see him sitting in the backseat, but Ren opens the passenger door for Tokiya. “Are you sure..?”

Ren smiles at Tokiya, “Of course. It was Ran’s idea to sit in the back.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya mumbles. Ranmaru grunts. 

Ren moves to the driver’s side, putting Tokiya’s bag in the back with Ranmaru. There was hardly anything in it- his clothes that he had worn there that they deemed unsafe for him to wear, and his headphones, watch, wallet, keys and phone. Everything that he had on him when he entered. 

Ren gets the address from Tokiya, and he begins to drive. “Tokiya? If you don’t mind me asking, how did you end up hospitalized?”

“Ranmaru didn’t tell you?” Tokiya glances into the backseat, and Ranmaru shrugs. 

“‘S not my story to tell. Ren didn’t ask, ‘n even if he had, I wouldn’t ‘a said anything.”

Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, but he nods, and he glances out of the window. “I tried to shoot myself, and I messed up. I missed anything vital, and the neighbors called the police because of the gunshot. They arrived before I could try again.”

Ren nods, his face grim. He glances at Tokiya, before his eyes settle back on the road. “Is… is the gun still at your apartment.”

“Probably.” Tokiya murmurs. 

“They let you out knowin’ that ‘n not doin’ anything about it?” Ranmaru sounds almost incredulous. “They made Ren get rid ‘a our gun.” Ranmaru’s voice slips into a grumble. “Not that he wouldn’t ‘a anyways, I guess.”

“I…” Tokiya sighs. “I’m sorry in advance. But I told them that I’d be staying with… my friend. I implied it was… you. You two _were_ my only visitors. They were going to check up on that when I went to my follow up. ...If I went, that is.”

They’re both quiet for a long moment, and then Ranmaru speaks up. “Then maybe you should stay with us.”

“What?” Tokiya is shocked.

“I wouldn’t mind.” Ren speaks up. “I think it’s a good idea. To keep you from living completely alone.”

“I couldn’t. I’m… I’m not very wealthy. I’d have nothing to give you in return.”

“We could make a deal.” Ren offers. “You can stay with us, under the condition that you go through with your follow ups. Does that sound fair to you, Ran?”

“I think that’s a good idea.”

“I thought that you were of the same mindset as me, that this was all stupid.” Tokiya glances into the backseat again.

“I don’t think that therapy really helps, no.” Ranmaru sighs, and Tokiya sees him glance towards Ren. “But I’m not livin’ alone with an easy way ‘t hurt myself.” Ranmaru frowns, and then he sighs. “I normally don’t talk about this stuff. Not even with Ren. But the way we met is… a ‘lil different. So I’ll let y’know that I still don’t know how I feel right now. Not… significantly better than I felt when I got in.” Ranmaru rubs his eyes with a hand. “‘N a big reason that Ren’s not makin’ me go right back is because I promised him I wouldn’t try it again. ‘N it’s not gonna be fuckin’ easy- ‘n I have someone hovering over me. I get that we met a week ago, ‘n normally I wouldn’t be so pushy with tryin’ ‘t get someone ‘t live with us- but I’ve got no confidence that you aren’t gonna get back ‘t your house and try it again. ‘N I think this time it might work, because you know what you did wrong last time. And I’d really like ‘t avoid that. Because I think you’re a good guy. I think you’re just miserable, and depressed, and lonely, ‘n that’s not always gonna be the case but it’s hard ‘t consider that. I don’t think you’re gonna give yourself a chance, though.”

“I’ve known you a shorter time.” Ren comments, and his voice seems a bit softer. “And I don’t know you as well as Ran- but I trust his verdict in people. And I really don’t feel comfortable, knowingly leaving you alone in a dangerous situation, knowing that you have no interest in doing anything to change it. You may not feel like it’s a good thing, that your attempt didn’t work. But I know that Ran is glad that it didn’t. I’m glad it didn’t, too. You seem sweet, Tokiya. I hope that with a bit of a push, you might be able to find something that makes you happy.”

When they pull into the parking lot for Tokiya’s apartment, Ranmaru sighs. “If ya really won’t come, we can’t _make_ you. But I’d like ‘t see you get that gun outta your apartment.”

“...I won’t stop you from going, Ran. I think that’s a good idea. But I’m going to join you.”

“I promise that we don’t have any kind of suicide pact.” Tokiya mumbles. 

Ranmaru’s scoff is amused, but he moves, his hand hovering over the bag in the backseat. “Should I grab this, Tokiya?”

“...I’m… a bit worried. That if I stay with you, I’m just going to be sent directly back to the hospital.” Tokiya’s voice is grim. 

Ren frowns, and Tokiya can feel Ranmaru’s attention on him, but it’s Ren that speaks. “If I feel it gets to the point where not sending you back is going to lead to you doing something dangerous, I will. But if you’re actively trying to get yourself help, I’m not going to turn you in for a bad day. It’s the same deal I have with Ran. But Toki- I’d like to keep in contact with you, and if I feel you’re in danger- I’m going to take actions to help you. And that isn’t to be mean. I’m sorry, to have met you so shortly ago but to force myself onto you like this, but I’ve been led to believe that you don’t have anyone else that will.”

“The hospital fuckin’ sucks, Tokiya. This time wasn’t my first time. ‘N it really doesn’t get any better. But I’m on Ren’s side on this one. ‘N I’d like ‘t see you stay alive. You’re just in a really dangerous situation. I’d rather annoy the hell outta you for a while than ‘t step back, knowing you’re in such a bad shape, ‘n then hear about how you didn’t make it.”

“I… suppose if you’re going to be insistent on checking up on me that I could stay with you temporarily. If you really… want me to.”

“We do.” Ren assures. Ranmaru grabs Tokiya’s keys from the bag, and he opens the back door. He opens Tokiya’s door when he’s out, offering him his keys, and Ren gets out of his own side as Tokiya takes the keys from Ranmaru. Ren locks the door when they’re all out, and Tokiya leads the way to his apartment, though he stills when he sees his door. 

He doesn’t need to actually read the note to know that it’s an eviction notice. The landlord had never really liked him- but up until this recent bill, Tokiya had paid rent on time. Unfortunately, he was in the hospital when his next bill was due. Tokiya moves to take down the paper, but Ranmaru had already caught up to read the top of the note over Tokiya’s shoulder. 

Tokiya’s miserable feeling has returned, full force. 

“Do you actually care if I live?” Tokiya can’t quite keep the edge out of his voice. 

“Yeah.” 

“We do.” 

Tokiya’s jaw tightens, looking down at the paper in his hands. Ranmaru’s hand lands on Tokiya’s shoulder, but Ren and Ranmaru give him a moment. 

Finally, Tokiya fumbles with his keys, to get his door unlocked, and then realizes it hadn’t been locked in the first place. He pauses, before he opens his door. “It’s… probably not pretty inside.” Tokiya mumbles. He opens the door, not much to start with, but enough to tell that he had been removed and that was really it. It was clear that no one else had entered. Tokiya actually flinches at the dried blood. 

Ren’s eyes land on the gun. “I’d like to get rid of your gun, Tokiya. For your safety- and I’m not allowing any types of weapons in our home anymore for a very, very long time. Will you let me?”

“I don’t have much of a choice.” Tokiya says quietly. “Because I’m going to say it’s safe to assume you won’t just leave me alone with it.”

“No.” Ranmaru’s voice sounds grim. 

“I’d like to completely get rid of it.” Ren’s voice is soft. “If you absolutely don’t want me to, I can find someone to watch it, until you’re safe enough to have it- but that’s the most I can do. I won’t leave you with it right now.”

Tokiya sighs, frowning. “It doesn’t matter what you do with it then.”

Ren carefully squeezes Tokiya’s bicep before letting him go- an action meant to be reassuring. Tokiya feels an unfair feeling spread through his chest. Tokiya feels terrible. Ranmaru and Ren both don’t deserve how Tokiya’s started to feel about them. “Thank you. I’m sorry that I’m being so pushy. I know that we’re still virtually strangers- but you’re being pushed back into a spot that I don’t know if you can recover from, with everything combined.”

“It’s hard ‘t take care ‘a yourself in general when you get bad, ‘n havin’ no one doesn’t help.” Ranmaru sighs. “‘Least we can give you a chance ‘t try to get back on your feet, yeah?”

“...Thank you. Though I’m not sure I’ve done anything to deserve this.”

“Mental health’s a bitch.” Ranmaru mutters. “Betcha didn’t do anythin’ ‘t deserve that, either. Sometimes shit happens.” 

Ren sighs, shaking his head, but he moves forward- towards the gun. Ranmaru nudges Tokiya in a different direction. “Grab what y’need. We can come back ‘t get whatever you can’t grab now.”

Tokiya didn’t really have much, though there was at least enough that he’d _have_ to make a second trip. Ranmaru takes a bag from him to help, and Tokiya nods in thanks. Ren had borrowed a small bag, and that’s what he carried. Tokiya thinks he had heard Ren empty the gun. 

Ranmaru helps Tokiya load what he had brought into the car- and most of what Tokiya owned were clothes, books and the laptop he used for his writing. Tokiya had left behind most of his books and the few materials he had for drawing. 

Tokiya finds out that they live about twenty minutes away from him, in a two bedroom apartment. “You ‘n I ‘r gonna take five minutes ‘t clean up the guest room.” Ranmaru says, walking inside next to Tokiya. He had only given Tokiya about half of Tokiya’s things- so really it was only about one bag. Ranmaru was carrying the second, and the small bag from the hospital. “‘S nothin’ difficult. Ren ‘n I just used it ‘t put our extra instruments in, so I just need some help movin’ ‘em back.” 

Tokiya nods. Ren hadn’t followed them in- and Tokiya thinks that he’s getting rid of the gun. When Tokiya follows Ranmaru into the guest room, he’s a bit surprised. There is a bed, but in the open part of the room, there are three different bases and a saxophone. The saxophone was in its case, but the case was open, and Tokiya can only imagine that it had been recently used. Ranmaru sets down Tokiya’s bags on the bed, and Tokiya hesitantly does the same. Ranmaru zips up the saxophone, lifting it up. “‘Ere, just grab one ‘a the basses.”

Tokiya does, carefully. Ranmaru has gotten the case over his shoulder, and he grabs the other two basses by their necks. “My room’s right across from this one. ‘M just gonna have ya open the door, ‘n you can set down the bass anywhere you can lean ‘er.”

Tokiya nods, being extra careful when he exits the room, opening the bedroom door wide for Ranmaru. He’s a bit hesitant in entering Ren and Ranmaru’s room, but he doesn’t take as long as he should to enter, and that’s mostly because Ranmaru is carrying three instruments. Ranmaru leans his basses against the wall, just enough to make sure that they won’t tip over, and he sets the saxophone down in a similar manner. There’s a gentleness to him in handling the instruments, and Tokiya wonders which ones are his and which ones are Ren’s- or if they all belong to one man. When Ranmaru notices Tokiya still holding the instrument, he takes it from him, to set it down in another safe leaning spot. 

“Just gotta grab their stands ‘n we’re good. Then I’ll give ya a minute ‘t get settled in.”

Later that night, Tokiya learns that Ren had disposed of the gun- by Tokiya’s own questions rather than what Ren had told him. 

Tokiya gets back into his writing quickly, and they realize that when he starts, he has difficulty stopping. Ren had taken to going to get Tokiya for dinner, because Tokiya would skip meals. Eventually, Ren convinces Tokiya to write out in the living room, just so Ren and Ranmaru can keep an eye on him. 

Ren early on insists on Tokiya joining the same groups that Ranmaru does- and while Tokiya still doesn’t like the groups, it does help to have Ranmaru with him. 

As their friendship progresses, Ren convinces Tokiya to keep his medication in it’s own cabinet, out in the kitchen. When Tokiya had asked him why, Ren had explained that he likes to keep an eye on Ranmaru’s bottle in their bathroom, to make sure pills were being taken, and he’d like to be able to do the same for Tokiya. Tokiya eventually agrees- albeit hesitantly, and that’s because Tokiya doesn’t tend to take his medication. 

And then, months in, Ranmaru approaches Tokiya, Ren not far behind. Tokiya had barely glanced up from his laptop at first, but when Ranmaru clears his throat, Tokiya finally does, initially confused. 

When Ranmaru had asked him out, Tokiya was skeptical. 

When Ren insisted that they were serious, Tokiya turned scared. 

Defensive. 

“Are you sure you’re not just trying to fix something broken?” Tokiya’s voice is dry, and he stares right at Ren as he says it. 

A look of something akin to hurt flashes across Ren’s face, so quickly that Tokiya hardly catches it, but Ranmaru’s jaw sets. “C’mon, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is serious. Sharp. “You’ve lived with us fer months now. I know you’ve got a real low self opinion but that doesn’t mean we think the same way.” Ranmaru’s voice drops, becoming flat. “I fuckin’ _despise_ myself still-” Ren winces, at the way Ranmaru says it. “But I know you don’t hate me. I know Ren doesn’t. Feelin’s ain’t facts.”

Tokiya swallows hard, and he finally drops his gaze from them. Ren speaks up, softly. “We both hope that you at least consider it. Of course, if you don’t feel that way for us, we both understand.”

“But-” Ranmaru’s voice is gruffer. “We wouldn’t be askin’ if we didn’t hope you’d say yes. If you don’t wanna, we’re not gonna just drop you, but if you do then I hope you just let yourself.”

Tokiya hesitates for a long moment, one of his hands finding his way to the couch cushion, tightening on it. “...I do.” He says softly. “I do feel the same. I’m just not sure it’s right. ...A three person relationship isn’t…”

Ranmaru’s answer comes a beat before Ren’s, but they come almost at the same time. 

“Normal?”

“Common?”

Ren’s answer is gentler than Ranmaru’s. Ren is the one that continues after. 

“It’s not _unheard_ of, but it isn’t a very common thing, no. But the important thing about our relationship would just be that we’re happy.”

“...I haven’t gotten much better.” Tokiya says quietly. “I don’t know that it can even be expected that I will.”

“‘S a process. ‘M not doin’ much better myself.” Ranmaru admits, sighing. “...We’d just keep an eye on ya. Just because you’re not feelin’ well doesn’t make you any worse of a person.” When Tokiya pauses again, Ranmaru reaches up, ruffling Tokiya’s hair. “If you like us, let yourself.” Ranmaru reminds. “We’re bringin’ this up ‘t you. If you like us, we _want_ your answer to be yes.”

Tokiya’s hand flexes against the couch cushion, and after a long moment, he nods- though his expression is still nervous. “Alright.” Tokiya swallows hard. “Okay. Yes.”

They moved slowly with him. Ren was far more patient and reassuring- and Ranmaru was quick to remind Tokiya that this wasn’t one sided. 

And eventually, between Ren’s reassurances and Ranmaru’s reminders, Tokiya finally begins to get comfortable in the relationship. Ren likes to bring up how sweet Tokiya can be- and Ranmaru seems satisfied, seeing Tokiya’s nerves slowly lessen.

After some time, Tokiya is invited into the bed with them. And while he had started out on the edge, they’d have quickly moved him to the middle, when they figured out that he enjoyed it. Their touches come more casually- Ranmaru would wrap an arm around Tokiya when they’re sitting on the couch, or Ren would approach Tokiya from behind, to wrap his arms around Tokiya’s waist. Tokiya would lay his head on Ren’s shoulder when they sit, or would pull Ranmaru into a tight hug, his fingers bunched in Ranmaru’s shirt. 

Ren was more on top of Tokiya’s mental health than he had been before. Tokiya’s medication is now kept in their bathroom, and Ren eyes both Tokiya’s and Ranmaru’s on a fairly regular basis- particularly when he doesn’t see them take it in the morning. 

Tokiya had gotten into the habit of taking it for a few days, and then stopping for a few. 

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is gentle, and Tokiya knows that he’s going to be scolded. He isn’t sure for _what_\- but this was a tone Ren usually took when speaking about Tokiya’s mental health. Usually when he isn’t taking care of it properly. “Have you been taking your medication?”

Tokiya winces, but that’s enough of an answer for Ren. Ren sighs, sitting himself on the side of the couch, petting through Tokiya’s hair. “It’s meant to help you, baby.”

“It doesn’t.” Tokiya frowns. “I took it properly when I first got it. I feel the same.”

“It’s not magic, darling. You need to give it time. If you really don’t feel like it’s working, you should bring it up to your doctor. It can be dangerous, just stopping this kind of medicine.” Ren sighs, his hand moving down, to brush his fingers along Tokiya’s jaw. “I’m not sure if you’ve seen the bottles, but I take anti-depressants, too, Toki. I’ve been where you and Ran are. I know it isn’t easy, and that’s why I push you _both_ so much. I’d really like it if you’d at least bring this up to your doctor.”

Tokiya gets quiet, but he nods. He _hadn’t_ seen Ren’s medication, but he isn’t surprised to hear it. Tokiya loved Ren- Ren was an incredible person and Tokiya had learned that very early on, but Tokiya could still see it in Ren’s eyes. A reflection of a feeling that Tokiya felt often. 

Ren’s hand drops further, to squeeze Tokiya’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

When Tokiya visits the doctor, his physiatrist ends up changing his prescription, because Tokiya was absolutely positive that his medication wasn’t working. 

He’s warned about the possible side effects- but Tokiya only half way pays attention. 

There were the normal ones, of course. Headaches or stomach aches, or difficulty sleeping. An increase in depression and suicidal thoughts- though Tokiya wasn’t sure that those could get worse. He had been very quiet about them, because he didn’t want to prompt another hospital visit, but they were always there. 

And then there were the drastic ones. The ones unlikely to happen. Paranoia, or hallucinations. Those were particularly the ones Tokiya had dismissed- they were typically rare. 

_Typically_. 

Tokiya had been on the medication for a week when he had been beginning to get quieter. Nervous. 

He had started to hate the sound of his own voice. His thoughts centered around just how _annoying_ he was. He felt _desperate_ to find a way to just _shut himself up_. 

Ren and Ranmaru had both noticed something off- and Ren had told Tokiya to call the doctor. Tokiya had nodded. 

Tokiya hadn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to make the call. 

When Tokiya had finally snapped, it was far worse than he had expected it to be.

“Toki-” Ren’s voice is gentle. Tokiya can feel Ranmaru watching him, too. Watching their interaction. Tokiya simply looks at Ren, waiting. “Did you call your doctor, baby?”

Tokiya swallows hard, and his answer comes out weak. “Yes.”

It’s immediately evident that no one in the room believes him. Ranmaru is the one that asks the follow up question. “When’s your appointment?”

Tokiya’s silence gets a sigh from Ranmaru and a frown from Ren. “I know it’s not easy, Toki, but please don’t lie to us about this. We’re just trying to make sure you’re okay.” 

Tokiya looks down, and Ren wraps his arm around Tokiya’s shoulders, pulling Tokiya into his side. “We’ll get it figured out.” Ren promises quietly. “The office will be open in a few hours. If you can’t call today, then as soon as I get home we’ll call together, alright? I just don’t like how your medication is affecting you.”

“You’re actin’ weird.” Ranmaru says grimly. “‘N I don’t like it, either.”

Tokiya stays silent, his eyebrows furrowed. Ren’s hand rubs comfortingly over his shoulder. Tokiya can’t see the worry etched in both of their expressions, too lost in his own thoughts. 

Eventually, they do both have to leave- but it’s Ranmaru that hesitates at the door. “D’ya need me ‘t stay, Toki? Would it help?”

Ranmaru frowns, when Tokiya shakes his head, but Tokiya doesn’t give a verbal response. Ranmaru sighs. 

“Call me or text me if you need me, babe. Or Ren. Either ‘a us would be more ‘n happy ‘t head home early if you need us to.”

Tokiya just shakes his head again, and after a long moment, Ranmaru kisses Tokiya’s forehead and leaves. 

Tokiya spends a good hour, scolding himself. He’s so caught up in his need to just _shut up_ that he can’t think of anything else. He had spoken once so far today- and it was to lie to them.

Tokiya eventually settles on an idea- and while it starts off as unreasonable, he can’t stop thinking about it. 

Only an hour later, Tokiya sits in the bathroom. It had taken him twenty minutes to thread the needle he had in his hands. 

He wasn’t sure if this was a good idea- but once he had thought about it, he had gotten himself stuck on it. Tokiya stands on shaky legs, to look into the mirror. His hand trembles, and he stares at himself with wide eyes. 

Was he really going to do this?

Did he have a choice?

Tokiya didn’t feel like he did. This felt like something he needed to do. He couldn’t figure out why- but he knew that he’d have to. He knew he was going to. 

Tokiya didn’t like pain. He wondered about how badly this was going to hurt- but it felt imperative that he do _something_. 

If he could just shut up, it would be worth it. He’d have no choice, if he went through with this.

Tokiya closes his eyes tightly, and that’s how he begins to sew his mouth shut. It hurts- but he’s not willing to stop. It’s not enough to stop. 

Even the pain isn’t enough to convince him to stop. 

Tokiya hated himself, in the best of times, but recently he had become, in his opinion, unstandable. How Ren and Ranmaru managed to even live with him was beyond Tokiya sometimes.

When the needle slips from Tokiya’s hand, Tokiya’s eyes open. His stitching is crooked, and not done well- but his mouth was closed. The only way he’d be able to open his mouth is if he broke open the stitches. 

Tokiya realizes now that he hadn’t thought this through. How would he eat? 

It didn’t matter. He’d decide. At least not now.

Tokiya wasn’t sure if he was happy. The sewing job was poor, and his mouth _hurt_. And it looked terrible- but it worked. Tokiya would figure it out better later. For now, he knots the end of the thread with shaking hands. 

By the time it’s nearing Ren’s return, Tokiya starts to get scared. How would Ren react to _seeing_ this? 

Tokiya rushes around the apartment, to try to figure out a solution, and he finds a face mask. It’s suspicious, still, but it’s better than nothing. Tokiya doesn’t feel ready, capable or willing to remove his stitches yet.

Ren enters, just after Tokiya had slipped his mask on. 

“Hey, baby.” Ren greets Tokiya as he closes the door, giving Tokiya a soft smile. Tokiya bows his head slightly in greeting. Ren’s smile falters, just a bit, and he sighs, his eyebrows furrowing. “Did you call?” Ren clearly already knows the answer. 

Tokiya pauses, but he shakes his head. 

Ren sighs, slipping off his shoes before he moves to approach Tokiya. “Why are you wearing a mask, Toki?” Ren already looks a bit cautious, but he looks _suspicious_ when Tokiya adjusts the mask, subtly trying to hold it to his face. “...Will you take it off?”

Tokiya shakes his head. 

Ren’s voice is so quiet. There’s a layer of fear underneath it. “Did you do something bad, Toki?”

Tokiya flinches, but he shakes his head. It’s now that both men hear the door handle turning, as Ranmaru comes home. Ren’s attention doesn’t fall from Tokiya. 

“Why won’t you talk to me, baby?” Ren reaches out, gently setting his hand on Tokiya’s arm. “Please let me see your face.”

Tokiya shakes his head again. Ranmaru’s attention had been gained- he heads into the kitchen without a greeting, his shoes still on. His eyes fall on Tokiya’s mask, and his own face turns grim. His eyes flicker lower, his voice darkening. “There’s blood drippin’ down your chin, Tokiya.”

Tokiya’s hand lifts, his fingertips pressing just under the mask. When he pulls away, his fingers _are_ stained red. He winces. When his hands aren’t on the mask, Ranmaru reaches out to pull it off. 

“Oh my God-” Ren’s voice is quiet- horrified. He’s trying to conceal it, but it’s difficult. 

“Jesus.” Ranmaru’s eyes are too wide. 

“We have to go to the hospital, baby.” Ren’s voice shakes, despite how hard he’s trying to keep it calm. “I have no idea how you managed to do this- but we have to get them removed.”

Tokiya shakes his head quickly, but Ren’s hands move. He’s not quite cradling Tokiya’s face, scared to get too close to his mouth, but there’s a gentle pressure near the corners of Tokiya’s jaw. “Ren’s right.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “This is real dangerous. ‘N you can’t just rip ‘em out yourself. You can’t just leave ‘em in, either.”

Tokiya makes a noise that’s close to a muffled whimper, and Ren’s face falls. He pulls Tokiya into a tight, careful hug. “...We can talk about all of this later. But we need to get this taken care of, before it gets worse.”

Tokiya ends up hesitating, just before they leave, and he pulls away from Ren. Both Ren and Ranmaru’s expressions change- Ranmaru’s is guarded and Ren’s is wary, but Tokiya goes to the bedroom. Ranmaru is the one that follows him closely, but he doesn’t stop Tokiya when Tokiya begins to get changed- though there’s a very obvious air of confusion. 

Tokiya chooses clothing that aren’t his own, and as he begins to check them over, Ranmaru’s silence becomes grim. His voice is low, when he does speak, as he steps forward to take the pants Tokiya has chosen to replace them with a different pair of Ren’s sweatpants. “Those one’s ‘ve got strings on the inside. These ones should be fine.”

Tokiya nods, and he gets changed, keeping his head ducked. 

“...’S not your fault the meds worked like this.” Ranmaru says grimly. “‘N I hope this doesn’t make you give up meds, either, even though you got really fucked over this time, it doesn’t mean you’ll never find anythin’ that helps. ‘N ‘m sorry I left today. I knew I fuckin’ shouldn’t ‘ve.”

Tokiya doesn’t speak, and his head doesn’t raise. Ranmaru’s hand moves to the top of Tokiya’s head, gently petting through his hair. Ren enters the bedroom, but stops at the doorway, and an understanding look crosses his face when he sees Tokiya’s outfit. 

Maybe Tokiya could have convinced them out of forcing him back into the hospital- but there was no excuse he could make at the ER to get them to avoid hospitalizing him. And Tokiya can’t convince them of _anything_ right now. 

And even sobered, Tokiya’s just glad that if he has to be, he has an excuse to not speak for at least most of tonight. And maybe longer.

Ranmaru’s hand finally drops. “We should go.” Ren says quietly. 

Tokiya moves slowly, but when they go downstairs to get into Ren’s car, Tokiya is forced into the backseat with Ranmaru, who watches him to make sure he doesn’t touch the stitches. 

When he does get into the ER, only one of them are allowed to accompany him back- and it’s Ren that goes. Luckily, Tokiya hadn’t been very thorough. It isn’t painless for them to get the stitches out, but it’s not nearly as bad as when he had put them in. Ren is the one to explain to the doctor that he believes it’s a reaction to the anti-depressants Tokiya was on- and he explains how strange Tokiya had been acting before they had come home to this.

To no one’s surprise, Tokiya is recommended to be hospitalized. Just like the first time, it wasn’t a voluntary sign-in. 

Ren stays with him until they find him a bed, but after the stitches are removed and Tokiya is wearing scrubs, Ranmaru is at least let back, too. 

Tokiya doesn’t talk. He isn’t sure if he’d even be able to or not- because his mouth really does hurt. Ren and Ranmaru aren’t silent, but they don’t speak to Tokiya with the expectation that they’d get a response. 

When Tokiya is being prepared to be moved and Ren and Ranmaru have to leave, Ren gently squeezes Tokiya’s hand on his way out of the door. “We’ll both be back to see you tomorrow, baby. I promise.”

Tokiya gets horrible returned feelings, being back in the hospital. It’s not the same one, though it’s run fairly similarly. 

Tokiya doesn’t speak at all the first day- and when visiting hours roll around, he actually doesn’t wait with the others, waiting for people. He had nearly forgotten that Ren and Ranmaru had even promised to visit. Ren’s face softens in the worst kind of way, when he sees Tokiya’s face twist, a mixture of surprised and something that’s almost overwhelmed. 

There were rules about touching doctors, nurses and other patients- but the rules were far more lax with guests, and no one stops Tokiya when he goes to hug Ren. Ren hugs him back tightly. 

They find a spot on the floor that’s a bit emptier, with less patients and visitors. They’re all cross-legged on the floor, in a triangle, with one of Tokiya’s knees touching Ren’s and the other touching Ranmaru’s. 

“How’s your mouth?” Ranmaru asks quietly. Tokiya’s hand moves up towards his lips, but Ren catches his hand before he can touch it. They had cleaned the wounds, but they hadn’t bandaged them- they were in too awkward of a place. 

“It’s sore.” Tokiya’s voice is very quiet, too.

“How are you feeling?” Ren’s voice is gentle.

Tokiya sighs, closing his eyes. “Physically… really sick. They won’t give me anything for it because they don’t want to mix medicine yet, but I’m starting something new tomorrow.”

“They didn’t give you the same meds this mornin’ did they?” Ranmaru’s voice is cautious, but Tokiya shakes his head. 

“And how are you feeling emotionally?” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s hand, still holding it in his. 

“There’s less… desperation. The side effects aren’t gone, but they’re… gone enough that I can realize that they _are_ side effects. I still don’t want to be here. That’s… that’s the only reason I really regret doing it. Was because it landed me here.”

Ren frowns. “Why…? Why did you do it?”

Tokiya raises his hand, rubbing at his eye with the back of his free hand, and Ranmaru catches it when he drops it. “I was just… so annoying. I _am_. And the only answer I could come up with is that I needed to just… be quiet. And when I figured out a way to do it, I couldn’t think of another way.” 

Ren’s face twists- it’s sad. Ranmaru’s expression is grim. Ren squeezes Tokiya’s hand. “You’re _not_ annoying.” Ren’s voice is soft. “I know it’s hard for you to believe it, but you’re not. I love talking to you, baby. I love _listening_ to you, too. And I know that what you did was drastic because you weren’t feeling good, but these thought patterns _don’t_ come out of nowhere. ...I know you don’t want to be here, and Ran and I want you back home- but we want you to come back safe. I know that you hate it, but I really hope you don’t fake your way out, baby doll.”

Ranmaru grunts. “I’ve got the same opinion as you on all ‘a this, babe, but I’m takin’ Ren’s side on this. I hope you at least pay attention. Maybe you find one thing that works, or maybe they at least get ya on workin’ meds- just _somethin’_ that makes all ‘a this easier.”

“It sounds pointless.” Tokiya says quietly.

Ren sighs, using his free hand to tilt Tokiya’s head up with an index finger under his chin, gently. “Attitude, darling.” Ren’s scolding is gentle. “If you’re sure you won’t get anything from this, you’re not going to. Ran does the same thing, and it’s just as bad of a habit when he does it. This isn’t going to be a fix-all, and not everything will work- but I’d just like you to keep an open mind.”

There’s an announcement, calling visiting time to a close, and Tokiya can feel tears burning his eyes. “I don’t want you to leave.” Tokiya’s voice breaks, both of his hands tightening around Ren and Ranmaru’s. He sees Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow, a sad expression ghosting across Ranmaru’s face. 

“We’ll be back tomorrow.” Ranmaru promises. “‘N it’s a weekend, so we’ll be able ‘t stay longer.”

“This program has family therapy.” Ren says, glancing towards the front desk, where he must have seen it. “I don’t know that they’ll let both of us with you- but if you’d like one of us to, we could early and join you.” Ren offers.

Tokiya hesitates, but when he nods, there are multiple reasons he does. The first is the extra time he’d have to spend with them- and the less time he’s alone in here the better. And another is that he knows it would be marked down, if he went to it. 

“Who do you want with you tomorrow, baby?” Ren’s thumb brushes over the back of Tokiya’s hand, running over his knuckles. 

Tokiya does stop to really consider it. He had gone through them before with Ranmaru- but he also knew that Ranmaru wasn’t likely to force him to participate. And while he’s not exactly eager to participate in groups, he knows that he won’t be released if he doesn’t. So Tokiya sighs. “Ren.”

Ren’s nod is short, but Tokiya can tell he’s glad. Ranmaru’s nod seems more understanding. All three of them knew that in this case, Ren was likely the best answer.

Ren sighs, squeezing Tokiya’s hand one more time. The other visitors were in their goodbyes, and a few have started to head out. “Alright, baby. We’ll both be back tomorrow.”

“We left ya some clothes ‘n shit, too. The desk’s goin’ through it now.”

Ren smiles softly. “We brought you the book you’ve been reading.”

When Ranmaru smiles, it’s teasing. “I hope ya like it so far. Ren insisted on stoppin’ by a bookstore ‘n pickin’ you up the sequel, too.”

Tokiya’s voice is thick, trying to cold back tears. “Thank you.”

“I love you, baby doll.”

“Love you, Toki. Just hang in there.”

Tokiya nods, swallowing hard. “I love you.”

Ren comes with a smaller group the next day. Tokiya isn’t called when Ren arrives- but he is called to the group session, and he heads in to the room with a few of the other patients who had visitors that had come. The visitors are all sitting several chairs apart, so it’s easy to go sit next to Ren. Ren takes Tokiya’s hand in both of his when Tokiya sits. 

The group goes similarly to most of the groups- though the “family” part of the group comes in when your visitor gets to hear what you choose to tell them, and they get a chance to respond. The visitors don’t tend to respond to anyone but the patient they’re involved with, of course- and the first thing that had been expressly stated was that no one, patient or visitor, was to speak about what was said in this room outside of it. 

Tokiya does manage to speak. Not very much, but it was the most participation he had given yet. Ren had been incredibly supportive- gently encouraging him where he could.

When the group had ended, Tokiya and Ren had left together to find Ranmaru already signing in. Tokiya notices the small, white, cardboard box that Ranmaru has. It’s slightly open, showing that they’ve already checked whatever was in it, and Ranmaru carries it over when he moves to approach them. 

“Hey, babe.” Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s arm when he’s close enough. “How was it?” He’s glancing between both Ren and Tokiya now. 

Ren looks to Tokiya first. “I still don’t like groups.” Tokiya frowns. 

Ren sighs, but he gently ruffles Tokiya’s hair. “But you spoke. I was glad.” Ren looks back at Ranmaru. “It seemed like a normal group, just with visitors.” 

“All together? Ain’t that against some sort ‘a privacy concern?”

“We all spent at least ten minutes filling out paperwork.” Ren admits. “To agree that we wouldn’t say anything outside of the group room.”

“What’s that?” Tokiya’s attention had mostly been on the box in Ranmaru’s hands. It makes Ranmaru chuckle. 

“Impatient, aren’t we?” He teases. “Let’s go sit down at a table ‘n I’ll show you.” 

Tokiya does get that it’s food, when Ranmaru grabs a plastic spoon on the way to the table, but now he’s even more curious. 

There weren’t many utensils sat out, but there were a few snacks laying around and spoons were deemed safe enough for anyone to have. They find a corner table, and Ranmaru sets the box down in front of where Tokiya is sitting. 

Tokiya glances at Ranmaru with a furrowed eyebrow, but Ranmaru’s chin tilts, just a bit, and Tokiya opens the box. 

It’s a slice of chocolate cake. Tokiya would later find out that Ranmaru had actually walked to a nearby bakery during the group, to get this for Tokiya, but Tokiya’s too distracted in the moment. He feels his eyes burn, but he turns, to wrap his arms tightly around Ranmaru. His words die in his throat, trying desperately not to cry as Ranmaru’s hands wrap around Tokiya’s waist, rubbing his back. It takes a long moment, and Tokiya’s voice breaks when he speaks, but he finally gets it out. “Thank you.”

“Just a few more days, babe. Just keep tryin’, alright?”

Tokiya nods, holding tightly onto Ranmaru. He finally lets him go, to sit down in the chair, a bit numbly. “I…” Tokiya swallows hard. He glances at Ren. “I mentioned this in the group, briefly. That I didn’t have a goal because I’d met it-” Tokiya glances down at the cake. “I wanted to find a partner. The last time I was in the hospital and before it, and I didn’t really believe it would happen. It’s… to have both of you… supportive over me. It’s a…” Tokiya has to pause, to swallow hard. “Strange feeling. It’s not… unwelcome.”

Ren reaches out, to take Tokiya’s hand, squeezing it gently. He does let it go after a moment, with the idea of letting Tokiya eat. “I know it’s rough being alone, baby.”

“We’ve just gotta do what we can to make it easier.”

“I definitely don’t want to stay for a month this time.” Tokiya says grimly. 

“If you keep trying, Toki, you won’t.” Ren assures. “You did so well today.”

“I’ll… try. I’m trying not to… fake my way through… but it still doesn’t feel helpful. I can understand telling either of you my life story, or how I’m feeling, but I don’t… I don’t like sharing it with strangers. And I’m not into any of the DBT type of things.” Tokiya sighs. “I’m not sure I can open my mind up enough to change that.”

“All we can ask is you try to give it a chance.” Ren says gently. “If it doesn’t work- it doesn’t. But I think both Ran and I would feel better if you just gave it a chance. Trying _is_ enough, baby. And Ran and I will step up more, when you get out.”

“...Thank you.” Tokiya bows his head a bit, and Ren’s finger brushes high up on Tokiya’s cheekbone. Tokiya’s mouth was still sore, but it wasn’t unbearable.

Tokiya finally turns his focus to the cake Ranmaru had bought, and Ranmaru doesn’t miss the small smile on Tokiya’s face. It was the most he had smiled in the past few days- and it was clear that both Ranmaru and Ren were glad to see it.

“I haven’t had chocolate cake since my birthday.” Tokiya muses. “I can’t believe you remembered.”

“‘Course I did.” Ranmaru’s comment is a bit gruff. “I pay attention ‘t things ya like ‘n don’t like, y’know.”

“I should.” Tokiya admits softly. “...I do the same.”

Ren smiles at him. 

“You been goin’ out for smoke breaks?” Ranmaru raises an eyebrow, but it gets Ren’s attention, and Ren watches Tokiya. 

Despite his answer being honest, Tokiya goes a bit red. “I haven’t.” 

“Good.” Ranmaru nods. 

“You smoke?” Ren glances between Tokiya and Ranmaru. 

“I haven’t in… a very long time.” Tokiya admits. “I smoked some when I was in the hospital last time, and then a while before that. I mostly smoked last time to get outside.”

“That wasn’t a requirement, y’know.” Ranmaru points out. “But it’s good ya dropped it this time.”

“I might as well. Donor smokes are disgusting.” Ranmaru rolls his eyes and Ren sighs. “I’m… still stressed. Which is why I did last time- but I should hopefully be out in a few days. There’s no point in starting again right now. I remember having some cravings last time after I left.”

“Then it’s good you haven’t picked it back up.”

“You’re already doin’ a lot better ‘n you were when I met you.” Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s shoulder, and the corner of his mouth lifts into a small smile. “You’re doin’ real good, Toki.”

“I’m incredibly proud of you for trying to do better. We’re both incredibly proud of you, darling.”

Tokiya stays for three days- and both Ren and Ranmaru come to visit him every night he’s there. 

Ren is the only one that enters, to come pick him up, but when they get to the car, Ranmaru’s in the backseat. “This feels familiar.” Tokiya mumbles, sliding into the passenger side. 

“‘S better.” Ranmaru comments. “Since I hope this time you’re happier, leavin’ the hospital, than y’were last time.” Ranmaru’s hand moves between the console to squeeze Tokiya’s arm. “‘M sure there’s still a lotta work ‘t be done, ‘n I get that when you’re sad you’re just _sad_, ‘n it’s hard to compare it- but I really do hope that you _are_ happier.”

Tokiya takes a long moment, and they let him think, as Ren gets in the car and starts it. Tokiya’s voice is low. “I think I am. You’re right, that it’s really hard to tell. ...I don’t think that I’d go so far as to make another attempt. If for no other reason than not… not wanting to do that to either of you. I never had anyone that I felt would ever care, if anything happened to me before. I can at least believe that you’d both be upset, should anything happen to me.”

“Darling-” Ren glances to Tokiya, long enough that Tokiya can see that his expression is completely genuine. “I would be _heartbroken_ if anything happened to you.”

“Neither of us ‘ve been sleepin’ right.” Ranmaru mumbles, loud enough for Tokiya to hear. “Without you in the bed. Feels too big.”

Tokiya’s chest constricts, and his hand moves over Ranmaru’s, squeezing it tightly.

“We’re going to be more careful in keeping an eye on you.” Ren suggests softly. “Especially on your medication.”

“I think that’s for the best.” Tokiya says weakly. 

Tokiya’s glad to be home- and he’s even more glad when it registers that he does consider this his home. 

“Hey, Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is soft, and he manages to stop both men before they exit the car, though Ren hums, turning to look at Tokiya. “Do you think if I didn’t… lose it… that I wouldn’t have gone back?”

Ren stops, to really think about it, and he sighs. “You clearly weren’t in a great place- because side effects or not, they do stem from somewhere, baby. ...But. I can’t say anything for the future, but I don’t think we would have sent you back now. I don’t think you were doing well- but I didn’t think you were in danger. And I’m hoping you really weren’t- I’m hoping your passive thoughts just became active. But if you keep trying, baby, I don’t plan on forcing you back. You did well, last time, with your follow ups, and I plan to be more on top of you than I was then.”

Tokiya nods. He doesn’t mind. It was easier to have them watching over him- to give him reminders and encouragement than it was to try to do any of this by himself. Ren’s hand moves, cupping the side of Tokiya’s face, and he gives Tokiya a soft smile. “We’ll figure it out.” Ren promises. “Ran’s goal is baseline, and I think that should be yours, too. And there’s no need to push yourself too hard. Ran and I will always be here to help you, baby.” Ranmaru’s hand gently squeezes Tokiya’s arm, and Tokiya swallows hard, his voice coming out quiet. 

“Thank you.”

When they go inside, Ranmaru is the one to put away the things in Tokiya’s bag, and Ren waits just long enough for Tokiya and Ren to take their shoes off by the door before Ren leads Tokiya to the couch. “Why don’t we take it easy today? We can make Ran cook one of your favorites and we can all cuddle together on the couch.”

“‘R you offerin’ me up for things?” 

Tokiya can’t help the small laugh from Ranmaru’s call, coming from the bedroom, but even when he’s done laughing, there’s still a small smile on his face. “I’d like that.”


	55. Chapter Fifty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another Extreme Haunted House Fic  
WARNINGS ; basically torture. there's blood, taunting/degrading and also its an ot4 (ren/ran/masa/toki)

When Tokiya admits what he had been up to (behind his partners’ backs), he had gotten three different looks- all of them falling under the obvious category of _disapproving_. 

Masato’s expression was stern, Ren’s was warning, and Ranmaru’s was _angry_. 

Tokiya had been doing research into extreme haunted houses, and he had gone so far as to apply for a few. He had managed to get himself an opening into one. He was able to bring a party of his choice so long as it didn’t exceed five people, including himself, but Tokiya _was_ planning to go it alone.

Tokiya had brought it up to them two days before he was set to go in, and it was a very low move. Tokiya knew it was. Because he had paid nearly five hundred dollars to do this- which was a ridiculous amount, but in theory, it was one hundred per person. Tokiya assumes that they must set up to deal with five, so the team price is non-negotiable. Tokiya could have opted to pay only for himself, but he didn’t want to be grouped in with strangers. Of course, Tokiya had already paid it- but he couldn’t get a refund unless he let the house runners know at least a week in advance. His partners could still _try_ to stop them, but Tokiya had no intentions on wasting five hundred dollars.

“You’re not goin’.” Ranmaru’s voice is final. 

“I wasn’t asking.” Tokiya says quietly. “I was letting you all know where I would be on Saturday. I would have just left it at ‘I’ll be gone’, if you hadn’t asked further.”

“That’s not reassuring.” Masato says. His voice is dangerously low. Tokiya’s eyes are focused on Ranmaru’s face. 

It was easiest to deal with Ranmaru’s anger- which wasn’t really saying much, when Ranmaru was _really_ angry. The way he was starting to get now. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure who was worse, between Ren and Masato. Normally, he would say Masato, but that was only because Tokiya had experienced Ren’s anger even less than he had experienced Masato’s. 

But it was safe to say that all three of them were _pissed_. 

Tokiya enjoyed having three partners in all times but _right now_. When anger got involved, it’s much harder to deal with three people angry at him, as opposed to only one. 

“Why?” Ren’s clearly trying to stay calm, but Tokiya can see the anger brewing in his eyes. When Tokiya’s safety, or _any_ of their safety, got involved, anger was quick to surface. 

Tokiya knew it came from worry- but his own stubbornness was quick to kick in. “I’ve found myself thinking about these types of haunted houses a lot. The best way to stop myself from dwelling on it is to _do it_, and now I have an opportunity.” 

“This isn’t a haunted house, Tokiya.” Ren’s voice has turned stern. “You can get seriously hurt in these.”

“That’s not as common as you think it is.” Tokiya argues. “There are quite a few people that leave them that say that they never really felt in danger, and that it wasn’t something they regret.”

“And what party are you going with?” Masato’s eyes narrow, his arms crossed tightly across his chest. 

“I’m going alone.”

“Fuck no you’re not.” Ranmaru’s response comes as soon as Tokiya is finished speaking. “You _shouldn’t_ be goin’ at all, but there’s no way I’m lettin’ you walk in there alone.”

“Of course we’re not.” Ren says. When Tokiya glances over, he notices that Ren and Masato’s expressions are similar- their lips pressed into thin lines and their eyes narrowed. In a different circumstance, Tokiya might even find some amusement in it. It was hard to find it amusing, however, when the expressions were on him.

“If you’re going to be _this_ insistent on going-” Masato’s voice sounds frustrated. “We _will_ be insistent on going with you.”

Tokiya was no happier about the situation, two days later, when all four of them were standing in the meet-up location. It was later at night, sometime around eight, and they had been instructed to stand in a line in a neighborhood park. 

“This is really fuckin’ suspicious, Tokiya.” Ranmaru says, his voice low. “We should just leave.”

“I’d suggest it. But I’m staying.”

“Then we are, too.” Ren says dryly. 

“I’m the only one that wants to do this.” Tokiya snaps. He had already given his reasons, time and time again, but he’s more than happy to repeat them. “You aren’t allowed to touch any of them, Ran- and you’ll be kicked out if you do. You’re _shaking_, Masa, and you clearly realize all of the reasons that _none_ of you should be joining me, Ren.”

“I can think of a lot of reasons that _all_ of us shouldn’t be here.” Ren’s jaw tightens. “But so long as you aren’t leaving, we aren’t either.”

A silence falls, but it doesn’t take long for a few men to approach them from behind. 

There’s a moment as their identities are confirmed and their IDs are checked, before anything really starts. Their safe word gets established, “Pineapple”, of all things. It reminds Tokiya that he had signed an extra thing on the waiver, one that he knows no one else signed- because it was a “delayed” safeword. Really, he had just checked the box by accident, but had left it anyways. They’d still acknowledge the safe word, but could take their time to do it. Up until right now, as they’re handcuffing all four men, he hadn’t really been worried about it. 

Ranmaru is tense. He doesn’t fight them, as his hands are roughly pulled behind his back, but it seems like he’s straining not to. Masato and Ren both go easier, but it’s clear to Tokiya that Masato is afraid. That thought sticks with him, even as they shove a bag over Tokiya’s head, and they pull it, hard and long enough that Tokiya’s chest burns with the lack of air, as the bag presses against his throat. They’re gathered and shoved into a van- and Tokiya lands heavily on top of someone. When someone else is thrown on top of him, he can only assume it’s Ranmaru, based solely on size. Ranmaru does manage to get himself off of Tokiya somewhat, but not much- because when he moves a certain way, Tokiya hears a soft noise that is clearly Masato. It helps Tokiya figure out that he’s definitely on top of Ren.

Tokiya shifts, just a bit, to press his head into Ren’s shoulder. He felt nervous, absolutely- but nothing had gotten that bad yet. His knee was sore, from landing on the floor of the van, and Ranmaru’s weight was more uncomfortable than comforting, but it wasn’t even close to being too much for Tokiya yet. Tokiya isn’t sure where they drive, or how long they do- but they’re finally pulled out of the van. Tokiya feels his hands being uncuffed when he’s finally standing on the ground, and the bag is ripped off of his head, hard enough to make his neck ache. He can see several other men, doing the same with the rest of his partners. 

Tokiya is on one end of the line, and Ranmaru is on the opposite. When Ranmaru looks at Tokiya, Tokiya is expecting anger, or a pointed look. Something to send a pang of guilt through him- and it still does, but Ranmaru is purely checking to make sure that Tokiya is okay, and it’s obvious on his face. He notices Masato and Ren do the same, but Ren, who is right next to Tokiya, lets his gaze linger for just a few seconds longer. 

Tokiya checks them over, too, even before he realizes he’s doing it. Masato’s face is too solemn. Too closed off- but his shaking gives him away. Tokiya knows that Masato has difficulty handling haunted houses- and it only strengthens Tokiya’s guilt. Ranmaru’s face is cold, the anger underneath the expression obvious- but while Ren seems to be okay, Tokiya is unnerved. He can’t tell what Ren is feeling through his forcibly calm expression. 

When Tokiya is sure that his partners are as alright as they can be, his attention falls to the room they’ve been led into. It seems to be the entry room in the wing of what seems to be a hospital. Tokiya hadn’t gotten to see the outside of the building, so he couldn’t be sure if this were an impressive set or if it were a real hospital they had gotten to use for a location. 

Tokiya wishes that he could move closer to any of them, but he stays in place, as his attention falls to the man behind him, forcing him forward. He’s moved into a different room, but his head turns when he hears Ranmaru-

“Oi!” Ranmaru seems to move, but he’s stopped, his expression a mix of a scowl and a wince as his hair is grabbed roughly, keeping him in place. Tokiya is given the same treatment, his head snapped back forward as he’s shoved. He can hear someone following behind him, but he’s distracted when he’s stopped, wincing when he’s stopped by the grip on his hair, and he finds that he’s been led to a shower room. The others are led there quickly. 

One man takes the forefront, taking one of the shower handles off of the wall. Everything looks grimy and unhygienic here, and Tokiya wasn’t very fond of the idea of getting hosed with any water out of the seemingly rusty showerhead. 

“All of you, strip. Down to your underwear.” The man brandishes the showerhead in their direction. Ren’s jaw tightens, but he’s the first to react, taking off his shirt, throwing it in the direction that the man gestures. Tokiya can tell just how livid Ranmaru is. The rest of the three men aren’t moving quickly- Tokiya and Masato hesitating, and Ranmaru refusing. Masato is the first one targeted. When Masato realizes that, he does start to remove his shirt, but it isn’t fast enough for the man. Masato can’t help the yelp when he’s hit with the water, and Tokiya isn’t sure what would be worse- if the water were cold or if it were hot. 

“Hey!” Ranmaru snaps, but just as he begins to move, the showerhead is turned on him. Ren is already down to his underwear, and Masato moves quicker to undress, his hands shaking more wildly, but his wide blue eyes are focused on Ranmaru. Ranmaru gets a face full of the water, but when it finally moves off of him, Masato is undressed enough that the hose isn’t returned to him, but Tokiya is spurred into quick movement- not even by the man that has turned his attention on him, but by the look both Ren and Ranmaru were giving him. Tokiya is given extra time, because Ranmaru still hasn’t moved to undress, and Ranmaru gets another, longer spray from the hose, even closer to his face this time. Tokiya can almost see how much effort it’s taking for Ranmaru not to snap- but it seems a bit easier for Ranmaru to take it on himself than watch it happen to anyone else. 

Tokiya catches himself in his own thought, as he strips, because at first he had thought of Ren and Masato. For Tokiya- that list includes Ranmaru, of course, but it was difficult for Tokiya to remember that they were just as worried for him. Tokiya was caught up on how much he wished they hadn’t been so insistent on joining him. 

Tokiya just barely manages to get himself undressed when the man finally drops his attention from Ranmaru, and only then does Ranmaru begrudgingly strip himself down. Tokiya can see Ranmaru’s hands shaking now, too, and he can’t tell if it’s from anger or from cold. 

They hadn’t been gentle so far- every grip on Tokiya hurt, and he had been slammed into walls and doorways when they’d get in the way. His scalp hurt, his wrists were sore, and he could already feel bruises forming, and he imagined it was the same for everyone else. He hated to think about how the bruises would look on Masato. He was as pale as Ranmaru was, and Tokiya was nearly as pale as both of them, too, but Masato bruised the easiest of all of them, and that combined with how pale Masato was… the bruises were sure to look nasty, and it send a wave of sickness spreading through Tokiya’s entire body. It was his fault that Masato was here.

The man hadn’t released the showerhead- but he turns it back on Masato, aiming it straight for Masato’s lower stomach, above his underwear. Masato tries to step back, as an automatic response, but he’s held by his upper arms- and Ranmaru is restrained by a hand in his hair, pulling his head back. 

“Aw, did the widdle baby piss himself?” The man holding Masato laughs.Masato obviously hadn’t, but that didn’t stop the tears of frustrated shame and embarrassment from making his eyes shine. Tokiya’s attention is on Masato but he can feel hands on his face, fingers forcing themselves in his mouth, and he has to resist the urge to gag. 

When Masato’s face gets hit from the spray, Masato coughs, and his face contorts in disgust. Tokiya can see Ren tense. 

The water stops, but the man has clearly gotten some ideas. Tokiya can see Ranmaru’s face twist in anger- slowly coming to the same conclusion. 

“Go get the bin.” The man says, to one of the others in the room. There were handlers, as Tokiya had named them, and then there were a few stray men. One of the stray men leave the room, into the entryway they had started in. 

They don’t actually bring in a bin- rather, the man comes back, holding a handful of something. Tokiya’s heart falls to his feet, just as Ren’s eyes widen in horror and Ranmaru begins to move. Masato is frozen, when he sees the handful of _live_ roaches the man is holding in his fist. 

When the bugs get near him, Masato breaks, the humiliated tears turning into fearful ones. “I-I can’t- I- Please don’t do this. Please don’t do this.”

“If you quit, we’re going to take it out on all of your friends.” The man warns. 

To all of the three other men’s dismay, Masato takes it very seriously, and he closes his mouth- until the first sob starts when the man opens his hand over Masato’s shoulder, dropping the bugs onto his bare skin. Ranmaru’s shaking is definitely from anger. Masato’s chest is moving too fast- Tokiya is worried that he’s having a panic attack. But then the man in front of Masato lifts one of the live roaches, moving it towards Masato’s mouth and Masato _wails_. 

That’s when Ranmaru steps forward, breaking out of the grip of the man holding him and shoving the other man away. 

“I’m sorry, Tokiya! I can’t!”

“Quit, Masa, please.” Tokiya begs. His head is snapped back by his hair, as a punishment for speaking, hard enough to hurt. 

“P-pineapple.” Masato’s entire body is trembling, his crying haven’t slowed. Ranmaru is very fast to get the bugs off of him. Tokiya realizes that none of the men are touching Ranmaru- and then he realizes that Ranmaru’s out by default, for being aggressive. 

As a grim afterthought, Tokiya can’t help but be surprised that Ranmaru had lasted this long. 

Masato hasn’t calmed down- and Tokiya’s worried about Masato’s hyperventilating, but he’s relieved that Ranamru’s going to be with him. 

“You’re both done.” The man in front says. “But you’re stuck here until the rest of your team is done. Grab your clothes and follow the actor by the door to the van. And you-” The man points at Ranmaru. “Anymore aggressive behavior outside of the house and we’ll have to call the cops.” 

Ranmaru scowls, but he doesn’t say anything. 

“Take my clothes for Hijiri.” Ren says quietly. It was a nickname he didn’t use very often for Masato- but rather than being less affectionate, it was meant to be more. It was in the same way that he sometimes called Tokiya ‘Icchi’. Ren thought it was cute, at first, but it had grown into being a special nickname for them- in the way that he sometimes called Ranmaru ‘Ran-Ran’, though that one was the rarest. Ren is backhanded, by the man who had just spoken, when he speaks up. It seems to take even more for Ranmaru to restrain himself now, but he barely does. He ends up just scooping up all of their clothes, his other arm moving to wrap very tightly around Masato, as he leads him out. Masato looks behind himself, almost desperately. Ranmaru mumbles something, and while it seems to comfort Masato somewhat, Masato is clearly still panicking. 

Tokiya tenses when Ren is hit, but the scary calm expression has returned to Ren’s face. 

His thoughts get cut off when he feels an arm wrap around his neck, pulling him into a chokehold, and two of the other men wrestle him into a type of white fabric that Tokiya realizes quickly is a straight jacket. It hurts, to have his arms restrained the way they were- but when he looks at Ren, Ren is getting the same treatment, only his hair seems to have been shoved in his mouth- Tokiya had vaguely heard a muffled noise through his surprise, and it must have been Ren, saying something or calling out. 

They’re drug to another room- Tokiya, literally. He had slipped when he was pushed and they didn’t care. Tokiya can feel something on the floor cut his leg. It isn’t deep, but he can feel blood. He’s left on his knees, until Ren’s drug next to him and forced on his knees. Tokiya’s entire body tenses, an ache spreading through his head, down to his neck, when they grab Ren by the hair and shove his head into Tokiya. Tokiya can feel Ren’s wince. 

Tokiya’s head is held still as Ren’s face is ground into his head. He hears the man’s obnoxious, sarcastic coo above him. “How are you two enjoying your date, huh? Real romantic place.” Ren is finally forced back, falling onto his ass. Tokiya finally notices a water basin, further in the room, but he doesn’t have time to be afraid before they’re dragging him again, and this time Ren doesn’t follow. 

Tokiya’s fear spikes, being separated. “Please quit, Ren!” Tokiya’s voice is panicked- but he doesn’t want Ren to be alone. He’s not foolish enough to believe that he’s the main focus, because as he saw with Masato, he isn’t. They weren’t just going to leave Ren alone. 

Tokiya is brought into what seems to be an exam room, because there’s a metal, medical chair set up in it, almost like a scary dentist’s chair. Tokiya gets slammed into it, and one of the three men that followed him in slams his head back against the metal headrest. Tokiya lets out a whine, as the ache spreads through the back of his head. 

He watches one of the men grab a length of rope, and when the man walks behind him the rope lands against the front of Tokiya’s neck. The pressure changes- so tight that he can’t breathe, and then loose enough that his choked, dry sob can be heard. 

It gets worse quickly. 

One of the men grab a needle- one of the giant, terrifyingly large gauged ones. To some, Tokiya thinks, it might seem less scary, in its ridiculousness, but Tokiya was terrified into stillness. 

Tokiya _hated_ needles. He can’t help his whimper, though it becomes choked when the pressure on his throat tightens. 

He starts crying, when the man presses the needle against the outside of his straight jacket- but with a bit of pressure _the needle goes through_ and Tokiya can feel the pain in his arm. It had hit a spot that bled- enough to create a small red circle on the grungy white coat. 

This happens in two more places- his upper arm and side, and Tokiya gets more panicked and shorter of breath with each stab. 

And then, the needle moved. The man holds it in front of Tokiya’s face, and Tokiya freezes. It moves closer, hovering only an inch away from Tokiya’s right eye, and he can’t close his eyes. His eyes burn, but he’s afraid to blink. His throat closes, his chest constricts, and every single of his muscles are tensed. 

When the needle is finally pulled away, Tokiya _bawls_. His entire body starts trembling with fear and the exertion of how still he had held himself, and despite the rope still around his throat, he’s struggling, trying to get up. 

“Not such a big boy when you’re all alone, huh?”

Tokiya tries to curl in on himself, but his sobs get cut off when the rope is pulled, the tightest yet. When it’s finally let go of completely, Tokiya has to lean forward, coughing and hacking and shaking. 

Tokiya had held himself together much better when he was with his partners- because he didn’t feel right, panicking, when he had gotten them and himself in this situation. 

He regrets doing it. 

He’s regretted it since he had watched them hose Masato down. Since he had watched them force his partners down to their underwear and covered Masato in bugs. 

Tokiya is dragged by his hair this time. His entire body is in pain- so much that he can hardly tell exactly _where_ everything hurts. 

When they bring him back out to Ren, Tokiya grits his teeth, trying not to continue his sobs, though even if he could, it’s clear he had been panicking. But when Tokiya looks at Ren’s face, he can feel something break in him and he’s flooded with the strongest guilt he’s felt yet. 

When they had drug Tokiya to the other room, they had forced Ren’s head down into the basin of water, holding it until he had nearly gone limp- and they had only waited long enough for him to almost catch his breath before they forced his head back under, and they had done it four times.

It wasn’t anything Ren couldn’t handle- but then they had brought out the razor. 

It wasn’t pleasant, but it wasn’t physically painful. But emotionally? When they had shaved three strips down his head, one down the middle and two down the sides, it hurt. He had always been proud of his hair. They had shaves the strips clear down on the sides, but only a chunk out of the front. It still hadn’t made it better. 

But there was nothing they could do to Ren that would get him to leave before he knew Tokiya was leaving. He _would not_ allow Tokiya to be left here alone.

When they had clicked off the razor, he’s knocked flat on the ground. His head is pulled up and shoved against a door- where he can hear Tokiya crying. 

The line is muffled, but he can hear one of the men speak. 

“Not such a big boy when you’re all alone, huh?”

Ren’s chest constricts painfully. He’s just been drug back again when Tokiya is brought back out. 

Tokiya can see Ren’s face, still dripping with water. The way the man’s hand is holding Ren’s chin is almost like he’s showing off his sick work of art he’s made from Ren’s hair. It’s what gets Tokiya crying again. Tokiya is shoved down, and he feels a shoe, pressed firmly to the side of his face. 

“Tokiya. _Quit._” Ren’s voice is livid. A type of demand Tokiya can’t ever remember hearing from him. Tokiya can’t see Ren’s eyes focused on his now visible leg. The cut may not have been deep, but the cut was now dirty and it had bled an absurd amount, coating most of Tokiya’s calf.

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya cries. It’s to Ren, of course. He doesn’t pause long enough for Ren to speak again- likely misunderstanding his apology. “Pineapple. I’m done.”

“Pineapple.” Ren sighs. “I quit.”

Ren is let go, but Tokiya is held, and after a second of it, Ren’s expression turns dangerous. 

“He quit.” Ren’s voice is low, as the man behind him undoes his jacket.

“He signed a delayed release. Get out of here.” The man can no longer touch Ren, or Tokiya imagines that Ren would have been shoved. When Ren doesn’t move, the man says it again. “Get out. Sooner you leave, the sooner he’ll probably be let go.”

Ren hesitates, his eyes on Tokiya, but then his hands tighten to fists at his side, and he leaves. 

It takes a long moment for the man’s foot to finally leave Tokiya’s face, and even his jacket removal is rough. He’s shoved out, when he’s on his feet, and he _flees_. He only just manages to stop himself, when he gets to the entry way. It’s when he leaves the entry way and gets outside that he sees the others. 

Masato and Ranmaru had made their way to Ren, and there’s only grim expressions among them. Masato’s face is tear-stained, but Ranmaru had gotten his breathing back to a safe level, and Masato was dressed in Ren’s clothing. Ranmaru was wearing his pants. It was hard to tell how damp they were because of the dark, black color- but Tokiya can only assume that they’re likely more dry than his shirt is. Ren clearly hasn’t moved further than this since he had left. 

“A _delayed release_?” Ren’s voice is tight. 

“It was a mistake I didn’t bother to fix.” Tokiya’s voice cracks and shakes. Ranmaru’s hand reaches out, gently touching Tokiya’s neck, underneath the angry red mark. Ren cups Tokiya’s face, the angry melting quickly back to worry as Ren presses his forehead to Tokiya’s for a long moment. Finally, when Ren pulls back, Masato takes his place. He pulls Tokiya into a kiss, one hand cupping the side of Tokiya’s face. 

Tokiya is surprised- but the only way he could describe this kiss was _scolding_. 

“We need ‘t get to the van. We can talk about all ‘a this when we’re home.” Ranmaru mutters. Ren and Masato both take a side of Tokiya, and Ren ends up making Tokiya let Ren support him, despite the fact that he could still walk on his leg. Before Tokiya is allowed to climb in, he’s given his clothes and forced to get in them- despite him trying to offer his clothes to Ren. He had been denied by all three men.

Ren had gotten into Masato’s pants, which were still a bit damp but not unbearably so. 

When they’re situated in the back of the van, Tokiya is next to Ranmaru, Ren and Masato on the other side of them. Ranmaru wraps his arm around Tokiya, to hold him close.

“I’m sorry about your hair, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice breaks, and it slowly becomes less and less comprehensive. 

“It’s not your fault, baby.” Ren says softly. “But we should talk about everything at home.” Ren’s eyes glance to the actors, who don’t seem to be paying much attention to them anyways. 

Tokiya slumps against Ranmaru’s side. 

It feels like they’re not driving nearly as long on the way back, and they’re released when they’re back. The men are all quiet, on the way to the car- and Tokiya ends up in the backseat between Ranmaru and Masato. 

“Do you need a hospital, Icchi?”

“I don’t.” Tokiya says quietly. “Nothing’s that bad.”

Ren’s sigh does sound a bit relieved. 

It takes them even less time to get home. If Tokiya were less guilty, he’d want to go curl up in bed and sleep for days. But even if he thought he could sleep, he knew that no matter how Ren felt, Ren wouldn’t let him lay down until he was looked over.

Tokiya is helped out of the car, despite his weak insistence that he can get out himself. He’s placed on the couch of their home very quickly. It’s Ranmaru that sits down next to him, but he helps Tokiya out of his clothes. He’s also the first to really get a good look at Tokiya’s injuries. Tokiya was already covered in bruises, shining against his pale skin, and his wrists were bruised from the cuffs. He had three circular wounds from where the needle had pierced him- one on his forearm, one on his upper arm and one on his side. He had the rope burn around his throat, and he had the cut on his ankle. Luckily, Ranmaru hardly seemed to have any injuries- and from what Tokiya could tell, Masato didn’t either, though Tokiya had seen the bruises forming around his wrists. Tokiya had been right. They really stood out on Masato. 

Ren was just barely not as bad as Tokiya. He was heavily bruised, but Tokiya was mostly worried about how heavily Ren seemed to be breathing still. 

Masato is the first to come out of the bathroom, holding their first aid kit. Tokiya wasn’t surprised to see that Masato was the one that would be applying the first aid.

“Did you take care of Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is still hoarse, and quiet. 

“He’s upset, of course. But he isn’t nearly as hurt as you are.”

“It’s not that bad.” Tokiya says weakly. “All things considered.”

“When Masa ‘n I got kicked out we should’a made you come with us.” Ranmaru grumbles. 

“Ren should have left. Ren stayed longer than he should have.” Tokiya hadn’t heard Ren leaving the restroom. 

“Tokiya Ichinose.” Ren’s voice is stern. “I agree that we stayed too long- but that’s _we_. I told you in the room that I would not be leaving until you had. I hate that I even had to leave the room before you did.”

Ren walks behind Tokiya, and Tokiya leans his head back against the couch cushion. Ren had shifted his hair. He had actually managed to cover the missing front part of his hair and most of one shaved side. The other side was the only one that was still very obvious.

“So here’s what we’re going to do.” Ren leans down, his face hovering, upside-down, above Tokiya. Tokiya can’t help but wince when Masato begins cleaning the wound on his leg. “I want you to stop feeling guilty. We all choose to join you in this, and all things considered, it could have gone worse. It still went terribly. You’re _hurt_ and that’s what I’m angriest about. But because you _insisted_ on doing this, and wouldn’t take no for an answer- I’m fully planning to baby you for the next few days. And I’m sure Ran and Masa will want to join in as well. And _I’m_ insisting. I _will not_ take no for an answer.”


	56. Chapter FIfty-Six

Tokiya was fine.

For the most part. 

He had a very low self image and some serious depressive issues, but he held himself like he didn’t. He could fake confidence like he had it- and he didn’t have issues fooling people into believing that he wasn’t often miserable. He could trick anyone. 

Even his boyfriends. 

Sometimes Tokiya’s mind would wander, and he’d begin daydreaming. Daydreaming about how Ren and Ranmaru would react to finding out Tokiya’s true thoughts and feelings. It was too much work for Tokiya to be honest with them. It was too late, and there would be too much trouble for Tokiya to tell them now. 

Besides. Ren and Ranmaru weren’t perfect either. Tokiya wanted to be there for them. If he wasn’t in a good enough place, he knew they’d rely on him less, and he didn’t want that. He wanted to be stable enough for them. Besides- it wasn’t as if he cried himself to sleep. He _would_ sometimes lie there, miserable and silent, but that was all. He was stuck in his head and his thoughts a lot, but that was as reactive as he got. 

Tokiya was very believable. He was good at hiding his tired expression, and his frowns. 

He could even talk his way out of it when he was caught. Like now. He’s so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn’t notice the somber look crossing his face, or the blank stare ahead of himself. He doesn’t even notice Ren, trying to get his attention, until Ren leans in front of Tokiya with a concerned expression. Tokiya blinks, snapping out of it. 

“Toki? Are you feeling alright?” 

Tokiya smiles. It wasn’t entirely genuine, but it came easily. “I just didn’t sleep very well last night. I’m sorry, Ren, were you asking me something?”

Ren frowns a bit. “You just seemed… out of it.”

“I’m alright. A little tired, but I’ll catch up on my sleep tonight.”

“You know, Toki- we’ve been dating for a while. You don’t often get upset.” Ren comments. “...Are you really okay?” Ren’s eyes search Tokiya’s face. 

Tokiya’s smile doesn’t falter. “Of course. If I weren’t feeling well, I’d tell you.”

“Alright.” Ren seems to believe him. 

Tokiya is reminded, almost a month later, about why he hides his feelings, when Ranmaru calls Tokiya from the bedroom. Ranmaru’s voice holds fear- it’s not something Tokiya can ever remember hearing from Ranmaru, and it sends him into the bedroom quickly, his book dropped, unmarked, on the couch. 

Ranmaru had come into the apartment acting strange. Tokiya had tried to speak to him, but Ranmaru had gruffly brushed him off under the guise of taking a shower. 

When Tokiya enters the bedroom, Ranmaru is sitting by the bed, his hand clutching his shirt over his chest. Tokiya notices tears in his eyes, and he sees that he’s shaking, especially heavy in his hands. His breath is coming short and in gasps. 

Tokiya recognizes it to be an anxiety attack. He was familiar with those. 

“I think I’m having a heart attack.” Ranmaru’s voice is strained, and Tokiya’s face changes. It was already worried, but his eyebrows draw in further, and he frowns. He crouches down in front of Ranmaru, cupping his face in his hands, his thumbs running across Ranmaru’s cheekbones. 

“If you really think that, I’ll take you to the hospital. But I think you might be having a panic attack, darling. They feel very similar.” Tokiya had never had a heart attack, but he knew that the symptoms were very alike.

“I don’t know.” Ranmaru breathes out. He’s holding onto Tokiya’s wrists tightly. Tokiya sees his lip tremble and it breaks Tokiya’s heart. “I’ve never had a panic attack. How do I know?” Ranmaru’s voice is trying hard not to sound desperate, but it is still almost hysterical. 

“Did something happen that could trigger one? Did you have a hard day?” Ranmaru’s face changes as Tokiya speaks, and Tokiya pulls his hands away, though it isn’t an easy task. When he separates from Ranmaru, he sits down beside him to wrap his arms around Ranmaru’s shoulders, holding him closer. “I think that’s what it is, then.” He didn’t need Ranmaru’s answer. He could read Ranmaru’s face. “Just breathe for me, darling. I know it’s not easy, but it’s the best thing you can do. Here.” Tokiya takes Ranmaru’s hand to place it over his stomach, breathing slowly and deeply so that Ranmaru can feel it. 

It takes Ranmaru a long moment before he can even try to match Tokiya’s breathing, but he gets there. He’s almost out of his panic attack when Tokiya notices that Ranmaru has started crying. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Tokiya’s voice is soft. One arm is still holding Ranmaru to him. 

“I got a call. One of my old bandmates passed away.” Ranmaru’s voice is strained. Tokiya squeezes him tightly. “'S been a long time since I’ve talked to him but we were really close back then. I guess I feel guilty. Like I shouldn’t 've been so distant.” Tokiya presses his lips to Ranmaru’s temple. 

“That’s not your fault.” Tokiya says quietly. “You care about him, clearly. I… don’t know him, but I’m sure that’s what’s important. I’m sure that he’d agree.”

Ranmaru’s quiet. He lets Tokiya hold onto him, the attack slowly subsiding. 

They’d be on the floor for a long time. 

This is why Tokiya will never say anything. He doesn’t need them to take care of him, because he can take care of _them_. 

So when he had bad days, he’d keep quiet about them. No matter how difficult of a challenge that proved to be. He’d just press it down and ignore it and smile through it. He was there for Ren, and for Ranmaru when they’d have bad days.

It would have been two days later when Ranmaru approaches him. “You knew a lot about the panic attack.” He’d comment. “Does that mean you’re used to ‘em?”

“I’ve had a few.” Tokiya admits. They weren’t entirely frequent, but he had a few while dating Ren and Ranmaru, and even more before them. He knew how to calm himself down.

“Hmm.” Ranmaru grunts, watching Tokiya. “Any recently?”

“None too recently. It’s been a while.” Tokiya shrugs. “Not that I mind. It helped me help you.”

Ranmaru frowns, and he’d narrow his eyes at Tokiya- but he’d drop the subject.

It had taken a long time for Ren to cautiously approach Tokiya. “Can I talk to you, Toki?”

“Hmm? Of course.” Tokiya blinks, looking up at Ren. He’d pat the spot on the couch next to him, closing his book. Something about the way he was acting would make Ren frown. 

“Are you really alright, Tokiya?” 

Tokiya is taken aback. “Of course I am. Why are you asking?”

“We’ve been together for over a year now, Toki, and the last problem I can remember you having was Hayato, and that was almost three years ago. It just… worries me, is all. You’re just as human as me or Ran, yet you never seem… bothered. It’s not that I _want_ you to be upset, but it’s that I’m worried you are and you’re not telling us.”

Tokiya’s eyes soften. He’d reach out, squeezing Ren’s arm. “I genuinely appreciate your concern, Ren, but I’m alright. Really. You don’t have to worry about me.” He’d shift, raising onto his knee to press a kiss against Ren’s temple. 

Ren sighs. “If you’re sure.”

“I am. I promise.”

It would be less than a month later when he’d feel someone shake him awake. He was exhausted- he was overworking himself more than he should be and he had gotten home too late and had fallen asleep on the couch. His hand raises to rub at his eyes, to try to clear the fog of sleep, and he’d realize that he was crying. Ren is crouched in front of him, looking worried. 

Tokiya doesn’t need to wonder why, because he can feel a sob building in his throat. 

As far as he’s aware, other than being overly tired, nothing _had_ happened. He isn’t sure why he’s overreacting.

Ren wipes a thumb under Tokiya’s eyes. 

“Toki?” His voice is so soft. Worried.

Tokiya gives a sort of choked laugh, and gives a teary smile. “Must have been a hell of a dream. I don’t remember what it was.”

“Is that really what it was?” Ren’s voice is quiet. Tokiya realizes that there’s some disbelief in it. That wasn’t a response Tokiya usually got. 

“I was asleep, Ren.” Tokiya’s voice is soft, too. He doesn’t want to seem defensive. “I’m sure that it was just a dream.”

“Why are you on the couch, baby?” Tokiya is almost surprised. Ren doesn’t use many pet names for him. Tokiya knows why. He’s tried for so long to make himself the rock of the relationship. This is the first real opportunity that Tokiya is giving Ren to be truly worried over him. To take on the comforter position. 

“I just got home late. I didn’t want to wake you two.” 

“Will you come back to bed?” Ren’s hand moves so that the palm of his hand is pressed to Tokiya’s face. 

“Alright.” Tokiya would give in. 

Ren seems to hesitate, and his voice comes out so soft. “Toki, are you giving me real answers, or are you trying to give me the right answer?”

“Why can’t it be both?”

Ren presses his lips together, but Tokiya sits up, pushing off the blanket. When Ren doesn’t respond, Tokiya reaches out, running his hands through Ren’s hair. It’s down, and a little bit tangled and messy from sleep, but Tokiya avoids pulling it. “Let’s go back to bed.” He says gently. There’s a look he can see in Ren’s eyes but he can’t describe it. Ren finally nods and Tokiya stands, Ren standing with him. 

Ren freezes, and his frown returns, his eyes narrowing. “You’re trying to switch this. It’s not supposed to be about _me_, Tokiya, this is supposed to be about you.”

“I’m not doing anything, Ren. But it’s late. We should just head to bed and talk about this in the morning.” Tokiya’s arm rubs up and down Ren’s arm, almost comfortingly, and the look Ren gives him makes it obvious that Tokiya is only proving Ren’s point. 

But they get into bed, and Ren wraps his arms tightly around Tokiya, holding him almost like a teddy bear. Tokiya often slept on the edge, and he usually had _his_ arm around Ren. Tonight, Tokiya was in the middle. 

Tokiya wasn’t too upset by it. He wasn’t going to complain at a little extra affection from Ren, even if it was coming from a place of worry and suspicion.

Tokiya doesn’t feel right in the morning. If he had felt off yesterday, today was worse. 

Ren and Ranmaru both had to be at work before Tokiya was scheduled. However, Tokiya didn’t show up when he was scheduled. He showed up far earlier. By a few hours, at least. Which made sleeping in the middle difficult. Tokiya somehow manages to get Ren’s arm off of him, though Ren begins stirring. As soon as Tokiya shifts, to try to move over Ren, he’d feel Ranmaru pin him back down.

“And where ‘r you goin’?” Ranmaru’s voice is a tired drawl. Accusatory, too. 

“Work.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, not that it matters because Ren is waking up, too. 

Tokiya is surprised when Ranmaru doesn’t release him. 

“You’re ‘bout three hours early. Go back to bed.”

“I need to go in early, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is gentle. “You can go back to sleep.”

“You agreed to talk.” Ren mumbles, his eyes opening, blinking slowly. His voice is heavy with sleep, too. 

“I’ll talk to you both tonight. I promise.” Ranmaru scoffs at Tokiya’s statement. 

“Yeah. At midnight when you get back?”

“I won’t stay out as late tonight.” Tokiya makes another promise. 

“Or you could just not go in as early.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. 

Tokiya sighs. “Alright. Fine.”

“If you want to go back to sleep, we can.” Ren says. “But if you’re awake, I’d like to have that conversation now.”

“We can talk now.” Tokiya’s voice is carefully casual. 

“Then let’s sit up. I don’t wanna talk to your back.” Ranmaru grumbles. 

“You were asleep last night, Ran. How do you know what we need to talk about?” Tokiya’s genuinely confused. Ranmaru’s talking like he’s on the same page- but he couldn’t be. 

“I've got no idea what happened last night, but Ren and I’ve been talking for a while 'bout how we think there’s somethin' you’re not tellin’ us. I’m guessin’ it’s the same thing.” 

“He woke up crying. I was worried.”

Tokiya was starting to feel the off mood he’d be dealing with all day when he sat up. Of course he agreed to talk to them. It would be too suspicious to tell them he didn’t want to talk. But he really didn’t. His patience was running thin, and he was tired of lying today already. He would have to bite his tongue to avoid just lashing out and ruining everything he had worked to build. 

He had gotten too in over his head to just stop now. 

“Why won’t you just come to us when you get upset? It’s not like we expect you to be perfect, Tokiya.” Now that everyone is sitting up, Ranmaru looks straight at Tokiya. 

“My bad moods don’t last very long, and nothing serious has happened in quite some time. There’s just nothing to come to you with.”

“Dealing with our problems can’t be easy.” Ren frowns. 

“But I’m more than happy to do it.”

“But that’s real one sided.” Ranmaru scowls a bit. “Whether you really don’t get upset easily or you do and you hide it… what is it? Why are you okay takin’ care of us but won’t let us return the favor?”

“Because I just want you two to feel alright.” Tokiya’s jaw sets. “I’m happy. I’m happy with you two, and I’m perfectly content. I don’t need you to worry over me.”

“Or you don’t want us to see you vulnerable.” Ranmaru says, almost dryly. There’s something that’s almost hurt in his eyes. 

“No, no, Ran.” Tokiya’s face changes and his eyebrows furrow. He knew how difficult it was for Ranmaru to be vulnerable in front of anyone. “I’m not… I’m not trying to hurt our relationship, I’m trying to help it.”

“How would hiding things about yourself help, honey?” Ren’s voice is soft. 

“I’m not hiding things. Please believe me.” Tokiya’s voice is almost desperate. But just desperate enough to make it seem like he wants them to believe he’s being honest and not to make it seem like he’s lying. He’s pulling up a lot of acting talent here.

“You can’t always be happy, Tokiya.”

“I’m not saying I am, Ran. I’m just saying that it’s never stuck around long enough for me to need either of you to comfort me. You’re already here for me enough. I’m sure you both feel like you’re not doing enough, but that’s not the case at all. You’re both doing more than enough. I’m never upset because I have you both.”

They’d begrudgingly let it go. 

Tokiya knew that today was going to be terrible. He didn’t know why, but he was right. 

He was in a STARISH rehearsal when his phone would ring. He’d give a sheepish, apologetic smile, and he’d move to silence his phone, but then he’d realize who was calling him and his face would openly fall. 

He recognized his father’s number, from the slip of paper he had been given some time ago but had never gotten around to getting rid of.

He hadn’t spoken to his father in years, and a lot of emotions would come flooding back at once. “I- I’m sorry, I need… I need a moment.”

Tokiya leaves. He honestly didn’t even remember that Ren was in the room until Ren was calling after him. 

“Toki? What’s going on? What happened?” 

Tokiya shakes his head. His mind is blank. He can’t bring it in himself to tell Ren that he’s alright. He can’t pretend that he is. 

Is he overreacting? Maybe. But he was really hurt when his father left and he had chosen not to reach out. So why would his father reach out to him?

Tokiya’s crying. Tokiya’s hurt, and upset and angry. Ren grabs Tokiya’s arm, his fingers wrapping around Tokiya’s elbow. 

“Talk to me, Toki, please.” Tokiya turns around, and a different wave of upset would hit him. 

“You aren’t supposed to see me like this.” Tokiya’s voice is almost hoarse. Speaking isn’t coming easy to him right now because his throat feels like it’s closed. “I’m supposed to be strong for you.” Tokiya’s lip trembles, and he has to choke back a sob. “Please don’t look at me right now.”

Ren’s face is worried, and soft. “Toki, let’s go home. Please.”

“But-”

“The boys won’t mind. This is something we should handle.”

“...Okay.”

They go home. Ren must have told Ranmaru, because he’s already there. Ren had been on his phone, very shortly, on the way back, but Tokiya had assumed it was to tell their band where they went.

By the time Tokiya walks into the house, he can feel his chest start to heave. He feels like he’s going to throw up, but he knows he’s just going to cry. But he doesn’t want to. Not in front of Ren and Ranmaru. 

“Toki-” That’s all Ranmaru says before Tokiya bursts into tears. He feels Ren’s arms wrap around him from behind, and Ranmaru’s eyes go wide, but he walks forward, sandwiching Tokiya between the two. Ranmaru’s arms wrap around Tokiya, but his hands rest on Ren. 

Tokiya is wailing. 

Even in his emotionally fogged mind he realizes that this isn’t only because his dad called. It was because he had held everything in and bottled it up, and this was his feelings overflowing- his father's call was just the catalyst.

The tip of the iceberg.

The noises Tokiya make are ugly and hysterical, and he can’t force himself to calm down. He’s leaning heavily against Ranmaru, because now it’s hard to stand. He’s just so exhausted. 

Tokiya was supposed to be the rock in the relationship. He wanted to be. He wanted them to rely on him. 

What if they wouldn’t rely on him anymore? What if they saw him as something fragile? Or viewed him as the unstable person Tokiya worried that he was?

It takes a long time for Tokiya to calm down, but he finally does, his sobs dying into sniffles. “What happened?” Ranmaru is the first to speak. 

“My dad called.” Tokiya’s voice is really hoarse now. It wasn’t going to be alright for another day or two after that crying session. "I didn't answer it, I just- he hasn't contacted me in years. I didn't know how to properly respond."

Ren's grip on Tokiya tightens comfortingly. "Take your time and think about it, honey."

"What if this isn't something I should wait out? Oh God, what if he's dying?" Tokiya looks scared, and his breath would hitch again. Ranmaru is the first to notice the hysterics returning. 

"Hey, Toki, focus on me." Ranmaru pulls back, and Tokiya's eyes move to his, though they flicker across his face rapidly before they finally settle. "If it were important he'd leave you a message. If he did, just listen to it. Y'don't need to make up your mind on anythin' just yet."

Tokiya tries to nod, bringing up his hands and wiping at his eyes. 

"You were going to try to hide this from us." Ren's voice is sad, but his grip hasn't released. It should be a question, but it's not.

“I’ll get over it.” When Tokiya’s voice breaks, it makes his sentence even less believable. “It just… hit me hard, is all.”

“Stop lying to us.” Ren begs. “You don’t need to!”

“Entertain me.” Ranmaru speaks gruffly. “What did ya say ‘t us, a while back? ‘Bout what you wanted from a relationship?”

“I want a relationship where we’re all equals.” Tokiya’s voice is almost inaudible, but it doesn’t really matter if they can or can’t make out all of his words. All three of them know his answer- it’s only to remind Tokiya. “Where we can help each other grow.”

“Right now, baby, we’re not equals.” Ren says softly. 

“You’ve got good intentions.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit flat. “I know you think you’re doin’ us a favor by not lettin’ us worry over you, but you’re not.”

“I know this situation is upsetting- but it’s… your break isn’t just because of your dad.” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s hip. “It isn’t healthy to bottle everything up. You’re our _boyfriend_, Toki. Not our therapist. We’re all supposed to be here for each other.”

“I just want you both to be happy.” Tokiya tries to hang his head, but Ranmaru raises his hand to keep Tokiya’s head tilted up. 

“That’s no excuse.” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. “Our happiness shouldn’t _ever_ come at the expense ‘a yours.”

“It doesn’t.” Ren’s voice is quiet but it’s firm. “Ran and I have had many discussions over how we could get you to speak to us. We’ve been extremely worried.”

“Are you going to stop me now?” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, his eyes focusing on Ranmaru’s neck, unable to meet his eyes. “From trying to comfort you?”

“For now, yes.” Ren says grimly. “Because I need to feel comfortable that you’re processing your feelings, before I’m willing to put anything more on you.” Ranmaru grunts in agreement. “If you start trusting us, we’re both happy to help you. When we both feel that you’re willing to rely on us, then of course we’ll both rely on you, too. It doesn’t need to be one sided, Toki.”

“It’s easier.” Tokiya says weakly. “For me. For both of you, too. I don’t understand why this is a big deal.”

“I don’t understand why you think we deserve to be happy ‘n you deserve to be miserable.” Ranmaru grunts. 

“I’m not miserable.” Tokiya mumbles. 

“Really?” Ren’s voice is disbelieving. “Can you really tell me that you’re happy, Toki? Ignoring all of your problems? Do they really go away, just because you pretend that they do?”

“They aren’t at the forefront of my mind. That’s enough.”

“How do you sleep?” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. 

“...Not well.” 

Ren sighs, and then one hand leaves Tokiya’s hip to brush through Tokiya’s hair. “Just talk to us more.”

“That’s not going to come easily to me.” Tokiya frowns. 

“It doesn’t just have ‘t be when you’re sad.” Ranmaru grumbles. “Anythin’. Just start talkin’ to us more in general. It’ll come.”

“I know we’re just making you more upset, baby, and I’m sorry.” Ren’s hand drops, but Tokiya feels Ren’s head duck, and feels him press a soft kiss to the side of Tokiya’s neck. “This was important, but there’s no use now in beating a dead horse. You’ve spoken to us now-”

“Unwillingly or not.” Ranmaru mumbles. 

“_So_,” Ren continues past Ranmaru’s interruption. “We’re going to take care of that. I think you should give yourself some time to calm down before you make any real decisions. What would make you feel better? Ran and I would love to be here for you, but…” Ren doesn’t necessarily seem thrilled with the thought that crosses his mind, but he speaks anyways. “...If the only thing that will make you feel better is for us to give you some space, we can.”

Ranmaru doesn’t seem to like the idea anymore than Ren does, but he doesn’t say anything.

Tokiya gets very quiet for a long moment, and his head ducks slightly. “I- don’t really want to be alone right now.” Tokiya wasn’t sure exactly how true that exact statement was. Really, he didn’t want to push them away. He didn’t want to be apart from _them_, but Tokiya had trouble saying exactly that, so he tried to get as close as he could.

Ren nuzzles into the crook of Tokiya’s neck, seemingly relieved by his answer. “Then how do you want us, baby doll? We could go cuddle, if you want.”

Tokiya nods, but his lack of suggestions leads Ranmaru to one. “We could go lay down on the bed ‘n listen ‘t music if you want.”

“I’d… like that.” Tokiya finally says. Ren squeezes his hips before Ranmaru and Ren step back so that they can make their way to the bedroom. They get changed, first, and Ranmaru tosses Tokiya one of his sweatshirts. Tokiya ends up choosing not to wear pants. 

Ranmaru goes the opposite route- only wearing sweatpants, and Ren settles with nothing but a pair of underwear. 

Tokiya was more than used to Ren sleeping naked- but if he had to guess, Ren was making a point. Not that Tokiya minded, one way or the other, but it was still sweet. Tokiya hesitates by the side of the bed as Ranmaru climbs into the other side, but after a second of hesitating, Ren nudges him gently. “I think you should be in the middle, Toki.”

Tokiya is a bit slow in climbing in the bed, but he does manage to speed up just a bit when Ranmaru reaches out for him. Ranmaru wraps Tokiya tightly in his arms as soon as Tokiya is far enough into the bed, and Ren is quick to climb in after, pulling the sheets up over Tokiya and himself. 

When Ren presses himself up against Tokiya’s back, his arms looping around Tokiya just under Ranmaru’s arms, a realization hits Tokiya and his voice softens, his forehead against Ranmaru’s chest. “I don’t think I’ve ever been held like this before.”

Ranmaru’s arms tighten around Tokiya in a squeeze. Ren sighs, his breath brushing against the back of Tokiya’s neck, his nose pressing to Tokiya’s hair. “It shouldn’t be. I’m sorry, Toki. But I highly doubt that this will be the last time. As long as it helps.”

Tokiya actually does pause, letting his eyes close. He normally didn’t like being in a position where he couldn’t easily move, but he found that being trapped between Ren and Ranmaru didn’t give him the same trapped feeling. Between both of them and the blanket, he was warm, and it was soothing, with the way Ren’s stomach moved against Tokiya’s back, and Ranmaru’s stomach moved against Tokiya’s own as they breathed. Both men had tight grips on Tokiya, but it felt more protective than restricting- and if Tokiya had to choose one word to describe it, it would be _safe_. 

“It does.” Tokiya affirms quietly. “...Of course it does. I can’t imagine being doted on by the both of you like this and not enjoying it.”

“I hope you start to let us.” Ren mumbles. 

“We don’t leave you alone because _we_ want it.” Ranmaru grumbles. “You keep yerself so closed off that we don’t feel right pushin’.”

“It’s difficult.” Tokiya would duck his head further, if he could, but he has to settle with pressing his face against Ranmaru’s chest, in as much of an attempt as he can make to hide his face. “I still feel like this isn’t the position I _should_ be in. I-” Tokiya trails off.

Ren’s voice softens, his hand running over Tokiya’s stomach. “Please keep talking to us, baby.” Ren encourages gently.

“...I know you’re both upset at _me_, but I still can’t shake the feeling that I need to pull myself together to try to help _you_. That I have… no right. I have no right to be upset right now.”

“You’re wrong.” Ranmaru mumbles. One of his hands move up, over Tokiya’s back and into his hair. “‘Sides. You’re only gonna stress us both out more by hidin’ shit. I’d rather make sure you’re taken care of than ‘t pretend like I believe it when you try ‘t bullshit us ‘n say that you’re barely ever sad.”

“You’re only human, Toki, and Ran is completely right. ...Leading up to this, Ran and I have been talking about how… private… you seem. We’ve been worried over this for a while. And I’m sure that you don’t need me to tell you how harmful it is to keep everything bottled down.” Ren’s head dips to press a kiss to Tokiya’s shirt, over his shoulder. “That’s the point of a partnership, Toki. We’re together for _feelings_. And I want to _share_ all of them with you- but we can’t share the good if we can’t share the bad. And it’s for your benefit, too. Just because you can hide your upset doesn’t mean that you’re _not_ upset. Let us try to help make you feel better.” Ren nuzzles his nose into Tokiya’s shoulder. “But I don’t want to lecture you too much right now. You’re speaking to us _now_, and I’d much rather encourage you. You’re already beginning to do so well, baby. I don’t mind if we need to help you speak- we just want you to take our help. I just want you to keep trying.”

Tokiya sighs, his breath shaky on the way out, and Ranmaru’s head tilts, so that his chin rests on the top of Tokiya’s head. “I think we’ve had a lotta serious talk. If you wanna keep goin’, then ‘a course we will, but if you’d rather stop I can put on some music ‘n we can just lay together.”

“I’d prefer that.” Tokiya says weakly. “I feel completely drained.”

“I know it’s not easy.” Ren sighs, as Ranmaru slowly releases Tokiya to grab his phone to put on music. As soon as the music starts, Tokiya realizes that Ranmaru had taken Tokiya’s phone to play the music, because he recognizes the playlist Ranmaru had started. Ranmaru is quick to settle back next to Tokiya, and Tokiya adjusts to the position just as easily. 

They don’t speak. Tokiya thinks that Ranmaru actually ends up falling asleep not very long into laying down together- and Tokiya can’t blame him. Tokiya felt warm and comfortable, and most of Tokiya’s music was calmer, especially compared to the type of music that Ranmaru listened to. He knows that Ren stays awake, because Ren’s hand has moved underneath Tokiya’s shirt, to trace light patterns into Tokiya’s stomach with the tips of his fingers. Tokiya works to focus on the music playing, trying to shut his brain off. Between the lyrics and Ren’s fingertips brushing across his stomach, he manages to keep his thoughts pushed down. 

“I love you, Toki.” Ren reminds him quietly. “And Ran really loves you, too. We wouldn’t be pushing so much on this if we didn’t.”

“I know.” Tokiya says quietly. “I love you both, too.” Tokiya pulls back from Ranmaru’s chest, just enough to watch his face. Tokiya and Ren’s soft words weren’t loud enough to rouse Ranmaru, but Tokiya still takes a moment to watch Ranmaru’s face. Tokiya hadn’t realized how much this situation had really affected Ranmaru- because even in sleep his expression isn’t as peaceful as it should be. His mouth is tilted down a bit at the corner, and his eyebrows are just a bit too close together. “This is why I do it you know.” Tokiya says quietly. “I hate seeing the both of you like this. It’s bad enough when the both of you are upset for reasons of your own… To have you upset over me.” Tokiya worms his hand up, so that he can gently place his hand to Ranmaru’s cheek. 

“It doesn’t help to have you hide it.” Ren says softly. “There’s no resolution. For either of us. We stay worried about you, and you stay unhappy.” When Ranmaru’s expression relaxes, Tokiya does feel a bit of guilt for waking him, but knowing that he did makes him keep his hand on Ranmaru’s cheek. One of Ranmaru’s hands lift to hold Tokiya’s to his face. Ranmaru’s face looked more relaxed half-asleep than it had when he was fully asleep. 

“‘M I missin’ somethin’ important?” Ranmaru mumbles groggily. Tokiya tilts his head up to press his lips to Ranmaru’s. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Tokiya mumbles. “Sorry.”

“Didn’t mean ‘t fall asleep, anyways.”

“You didn’t miss much.” Tokiya promises, his fingertips running down Ranmaru’s face, following his cheekbone up, to trail his fingers down to Ranmaru’s jaw. 

“Are you hungry?” Ren asks. 

“Always.” Ranmaru grunts, and Ren can’t help his small chuckle. 

“I know your answer, Ran. It never changes. I was asking Toki.”

Tokiya makes a soft, amused noise. “I’m not ready to get up yet. Of course, if you’re hungry, I’d urge you to get up to eat- but I think I’m going to lay here for a while.”

“Do you want us to stay with you?” Ren asks softly. Tokiya isn’t sure that he actually has any intention of leaving, so long as Tokiya doesn’t ask him to, but Tokiya imagines that he’s mostly asking just to hear Tokiya say it. 

Tokiya pauses, ducking his head just a bit. “Yes. I don’t want to stop you if you’re hungry, but… I’d rather you stay in bed with me.”

“We can do that.” Ranmaru shifts, likely a bit stiff from having fallen asleep, but he keeps one arm firmly around Tokiya, even as he adjusts. Ren returns to drawing patterns on Tokiya’s stomach. 

“Are you sure I’m not taking up too much of your time? There must have been things that you had to do today.”

“You’ve given up things for us.” Tokiya can’t see Ren’s frown, but he knows it’s there. “It’s no problem, taking time for just us three. Especially if it’s to take care of you.”

“‘Sides. Havin’ you cuddled up ‘t me is nice, ‘n never fuckin’ happens.” Ranmaru grumbles, tightening his grip further. 

“...It isn’t as if we never cuddle.” Tokiya mumbles, keeping his head ducked. 

“It’s different.” Ranmaru sighs. “Y’can’t say you don’t feel it. It’s not that I don’t like it when you hold me- but it’s nice ‘t hold you, too, y’know. ‘N you’re actin’ a little touched starved, the way you’re holdin’ on ‘ta me. There’s no shame in needin’ ‘t be held. ‘N really, you’re the only one that never switches. I don’t think it’s good ‘t only ever take one position.”

“It does actually improve mental health, being hugged.” Ren muses. “And just knowing that you _do_ like it makes me wish that I had cuddled you earlier. And it also strengthens my resolve to hold you more in the future.”

Ranmaru grunts. “If ya want my opinion, I’d like ‘t keep you in the middle ‘a the bed when we sleep fer a while. After that we can alternate you ‘n Ren.”

Tokiya _would_ ask about Ranmaru, but he knew that Ranmaru really didn’t like sleeping in the middle. Ranmaru’s preferred spot was where he was now- in the spot on the edge, closest to the door. 

“I think that’s a good idea.” Ren agrees. 

Tokiya stays silent, but it’s not a denial and the men don’t press him further. If it becomes a conversation later, they’ll discuss it then. 

But Tokiya has a feeling that it would make them feel better, if he went with it. It meant that he likely would. 

And Ranmaru’s earlier touch starved comment wasn’t wrong. Tokiya was really wrapped around Ranmaru- his hands on Ranmaru’s sides to press him closer, one of his legs bent to tangle with Ren’s and the other lifted to wrap around Ranmaru’s hip. Tokiya was barely even aware that he had taken this position until he was actively in it. 

“This is what we should have been doing a long time ago.” Ren mumbles. “But I’m glad we’re doing it now, Toki. Please trust me when I say that I would rather be here in our bed, knowing that you’re upset and we’re doing _something_ to help you, than to only be able to _imagine_ if you really are feeling okay, or if you’re not. I just… can’t stress this enough Toki- you’re _very_ important to us. ...And I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to do this. To just… lay down with you, with you in my arms. I know you’re still upset, because no one can recover that quickly- but whether you realize it or not, you’re relaxed, Toki. I rarely see you let yourself go the way you are now, and to say that I’m happy to see it is an absolute understatement.”

“I know ya try not ‘t be problematic, babe, but trust me. You’re way less problematic bringin’ up your problems.” Ranmaru reassures. “I know we keep bringin’ this back up after we drop it- but ‘s long as you try, it’s just fer tonight. It’s just… real important, babe. Talkin’ doesn’t come any easier ‘t me- but it’s important. ‘N it’s what we’re here for. It’s not just one sided. …’N you don’t get ‘t see yourself, when you’re bad. I know you think you’re real good at hidin’ it- but it’s not fun ‘t see you, on the nights you sleep with your back ‘t us. Or when you offer ‘t do dishes just ‘t hide what ya didn’t eat. But what can we do when you just change the subject ‘n deny? Ren ‘n I were both tryin’ ‘ta avoid this. Your breakin’ point. But now it’s happened ‘n all we can do is move on. But we’re both well fuckin’ aware that you’re stressed, between your job ‘n your past, and just livin’ everyday. We still can’t make ya talk- but we’ve got enough reason ‘t know that we throw shit on you-”

“You weren’t!” Tokiya says quickly. “You never forced your upset on me.”

Ren sighs, but he takes over where Ranmaru left off. “We know, baby. But now we really know that you can’t handle it.” Ren cuts Tokiya off when he tries to interrupt. “You can’t right now. I know you think that you can- but there isn’t a way that taking it on hasn’t made it harder on you.”

“Then why should I feel any better about relying on you?” Tokiya’s comment is harsher than he means it to be, but he flinches, and both men seem to understand. 

“If you share your upset with us, it’s not just piling up on you.” Ren says gently. 

“You’re takin’ on all ‘a the burden right now, ‘n that’s what we’re tryin’ ‘t stop. If you start sharin’ shit with us, we can spread it all out evenly. But we’re not gonna pile anythin’ else on ya until you’re startin’ ‘t trust us with your shit.”

“...Do you really think I don’t trust you?” Tokiya’s voice breaks, and Ranmaru sighs.

“...You don’t trust us in all ‘a the ways we need you to. ‘Cause I know you care about us, ‘n I know you trust us in ways- but I dunno exactly what this is. Maybe you don’t trust us ‘t see you in the same way if you’re vulnerable. ...The problem comes from it runnin’ both ways-” Ranmaru sighs again, heavier this time. “You don’t trust us enough ‘t tell us what you’re feelin’, ‘n I don’t trust you ‘t come tell us if somethin’ serious happens, or if you’re hurt or in danger. ‘N I fuckin’ hate that with everythin’ I have, Toki. That’s what I want us ‘t fix.”

Tokiya pauses for a long second, and his voice is hardly a whisper. “And you think we can fix this? If I start opening up?”

“I know we can.” Ren assures. “It’s just like Ran said. We both know you care for us, and we both care for you. And that’s the most important basis of our relationship, baby. As long as we love each other, we can fix anything else- and we can absolutely fix communication. We’re going to help you- as long as you let us.”

Ranmaru grunts. “Every fuckin’ step ‘a the way.”


	57. Chapter Fifty - Seven

“Wait.” 

Tokiya doesn’t lift his head. 

Tokiya had been taken in by quite a few people, passed around. He was a wolf, and was heavily sought after. 

After all- he was a special type of animal. Animals that could turn human were very uncommon, but they existed, and Tokiya was one of them. He had been taken in to become a pet. 

This was his third time being taken in and then released. He had settled himself down in an alley and had accepted his fate. He’d rather die in an alley than be passed around and mistreated as he has been. 

Tokiya simply closes his eyes when the man approaches him. 

Tokiya was scarily skinny. It had been over a week, after all, since he had been under anyone’s ‘care’. He was tired of running, and being caught- and he didn’t have any clothing or a place to stay, even if he were to use his human form. Not to mention that his ears and tail would immediately cause distrust, and he’d end up in the same situation. 

“You poor thing.” It’s a deep voice. There’s a concerned edge to it. “Ran.” 

There’s a heavier set of footsteps, and then Tokiya hears the men speaking quietly. 

“Go to the store around the corner and grab something, will you?” That was the man that had been talking. 

The second man doesn’t actually speak- grunting in response. The heavy footsteps retreat. When Tokiya opens his eyes, he notices the man sitting in front of him. 

He was wearing a beanie and a heavy coat, his orange hair pulled back into a low ponytail. He smiles at Tokiya. Tokiya doesn’t react to him. 

The man is quiet. It’s only a few minutes later when the second man comes back. He’s wearing a beanie himself- though his is a maroon color, while the first man’s is grey. He’s carrying three things. In one hand there’s something covered in paper- but from the smell alone, Tokiya can tell that it’s some type of meat. In the other hand he has a plastic cup and a bottle of water. 

“Y’always were a bleeding heart.” The man grumbles, moving to sit down on the ground next to the first man. Tokiya didn’t trust this party. 

“Had you seen him, would you really have just left him?”

The second man, Ran, Tokiya remembers, doesn’t respond. The first man looks satisfied that his point has been made. Ran begins to set up what he’s grabbed, being cautious when putting it near Tokiya. He’s taken the meat out of the paper to put it on the bag, and he slides it closer to Tokiya and further away from himself. He pours the water into the cup, and he sets it near the meat. 

Tokiya wonders what’s wrong with them. 

It’s clear that he’s not just a stray dog. Wolves, even ones in a poor state like he is, were dangerous. They were risking life and limb by trying to help him. Tokiya’s nose twitches as he sniffs- but he doesn’t even lift his head. 

Instead, he lets out a weak, low growl. Ran clicks his tongue. “Yeah, yeah. You’re real scary. If y’need us ‘t back up before you eat, we will.”

Tokiya lets out a ‘hmph’, but they do back up, and he still doesn’t lift his head. 

“Please eat.” The first man’s eyebrows draw in, watching Tokiya. Tokiya just closes his eyes. 

If he weren’t so _tired_, he likely wouldn’t be able to resist. But if he eats now- it would extend his life… and for what? 

“If he’s given up, what can we do?” Ran grumbles. 

“There must be something.” The man says firmly, frowning. “And we can’t just leave it. I’d hate for something to try to attack him to get it.”

“We can give it a couple ‘a more minutes. If he doesn’t eat, we can’t just shove it down his throat.”

“I know.” The man says quietly. “I know.”

It takes three minutes for Tokiya’s body to override his mind’s denial. He slowly pushes himself up, his body protesting his actions, and he tears into the meat, almost desperately at first. He thinks he hears the man sigh. 

By the time Tokiya is finishing the meat, he’s at least slowed down on it. When he drinks from the cup, it’s just as desperate, and he can’t help the whimper when he accidentally knocks over the cup with a third of the water still in it. 

“If y’let me take the cup, I can refill it.” Up until Ran spoke, they had been fairly quiet. Tokiya nudges the cup in Ran’s direction, and leans his head back. It’s as Ran begins to refill the cup that Tokiya realizes that people don’t usually speak to animals like that. 

Like they can understand. 

Tokiya forgets the thought when the cup is placed back in front of him, focused again on drinking, but trying to be more careful this time. 

He settles back down when he’s finished. The man’s eyebrows furrow, looking at Tokiya, but Tokiya just closes his eyes. 

“C’mon, Ren.” Ran mumbles. “Not much more we can do right now.”

“I guess you’re right.” 

Ran pours the rest of the bottle into the cup, and he takes the paper away. Animals could still fight over water- but it was less likely to draw other animals than the meat would have been. 

Tokiya is left alone for two days. He had drank the rest of the water, and had kept the cup tucked beneath his arm. 

There was a snowfall, on the night of the second day. Even if Tokiya wanted to move- he couldn’t. He wasn’t strong enough to pull himself to a dry area, and he doubts there’s anywhere nearby that’s any warmer. He had a thick coat, but he was small, and frail, and he wasn’t built for snow. 

As Tokiya shakes, he wonders if this were it. He doesn’t think he’s going to make it through the night. 

And then he feels something draped over him. He blinks his eyes open, startled. The footsteps had been muted by the snow. Tokiya’s more startled when hands make their way underneath him and lift, and he yelps, and whines. He tries to squirm, but the grip is too firm and his shaking too heavy. “Calm down.” It’s a grumbled voice. 

It takes Tokiya a long second to remember his name. Ran. 

“We’re takin’ you in. Least ‘til the weather’s not shitty. If you wanna leave after, we won’t keep you.”

Tokiya lets out another whine, but his struggling stops. He really wants to believe him. 

Tokiya hears a car door open, and he’s laid in a backseat, and the blanket over him is readjusted. Tokiya lets out another low whine- because the car is already so warm. He sees the other man- Ren. 

They had awfully similar names, Tokiya thinks. 

Tokiya closes his eyes, though he feels someone, likely Ran, tuck his tail in to close the door. 

Tokiya falls asleep during the ride, but when he wakes up, he’s lying on a couch, covered in at least two blankets. When he shifts, the first thing he realizes is that he doesn’t have the cup with him. He lifts his head, blinking tiredly, but he sees it, sticking out of a garbage can. 

It’s not easy to worm his way out of the blanket pile, but he does. He has to drag himself over, but he lifts himself, to grab the cup. He drops, back onto his stomach, and he drops the cup in front of him. 

It’s broken. The plastic had tore, and there was a large crack running down the cheap cup. Tokiya whines, nudging it with his nose. He lowers his head, covering it. 

His whines must have gotten the attention of the men in the house. 

“What’s wrong?” Tokiya believes that the man who speaks first is Ren, but Ran must be closest, because he sounds nearer. 

“Oh, Jesus. It’s the cup. He dug it outta the trash.” Ran moves in front of Tokiya to crouch in front of him. “It’s broken.” Tokiya lets out a longer whine, and Ran sighs, rubbing his eyes with a hand. “I can… try ‘t tape it?” Tokiya lifts his head, nudging the cup closer to Ran. 

Ran takes it, and he leaves to the next room. Tokiya thinks that it’s a kitchen. Tokiya hears the water run, and when Ran returns, the cup has been washed off and taped up with some silver duct tape. Tokiya lifts his head again, and Ran returns the cup for Tokiya to lie his head back down on. Ran shakes his head. 

In the panic over his cup, Tokiya hadn’t even realized that Ran was still wearing the beanie. Tokiya wonders why he’d wear his hat in his house. 

He also starts to realize that the tile floor is _cold_, and he’s starting to miss the blankets. When Tokiya raises himself, he’s shaky. He’s just trying to make his way onto the rug on the floor, to get away from the chilly tile, but he almost falls over when he ducks his head to try to grab the cup. 

“I’ve got it.” Ran sighs. “Can ya make it ‘t the couch?”

Tokiya slowly backs up, making his way to the couch backwards. Ran pointedly picks up the cup, holding it up so Tokiya can see that he really did grab it. Tokiya finally turns around, but he stills, his ears standing up straight and his fur bristling when he sees Ren. 

Ren wasn’t wearing a beanie, but Tokiya can tell why he had been. Ren had clearly feline ears, sticking up from the top of his head. The spots were a bit harder to see on his ears, but when Tokiya’s eyes move to his thin, tan tail, it’s clearer. 

Ren gives Tokiya a slight smile, clearly noticing where his attention had been drawn. “We’re like you.” Tokiya turns his head back, towards Ran, and Ran pushes his hat up. He ends up knocking it off, catching it before it falls and tossing it onto a chair, but Tokiya’s attention is on the greyish-white ears. Tokiya looks back at Ren, and Tokiya’s ears flatten to his head. “If you ever feel comfortable, getting out of your animal form, we’d love to meet you. But there’s no rush.”

“The opposite, actually.” Ran says, taking a few steps closer. “C’mon, to the couch.” Ran waits to continue talking until Tokiya’s heading back to the couch. “Until you’re healthy, you shouldn’t get outta your animal form. You can take a lot more of a beatin’ in this form.” Ran pulls back the blankets with the hand that isn’t holding the cup. “People ‘r too fuckin’ delicate.” Ran sets down the cup and watches Tokiya. Tokiya sets his head down on the couch and closes his eyes, but he’s not able to drag himself back up. Ran pats his back, as a warning that he’s going to lift him, and then he does, setting Tokiya on the couch. Tokiya opens his eyes, to whine, and Ran clicks his tongue but returns the cup before trapping Tokiya underneath the blankets again. 

Tokiya nudges the cup under the blankets, to tuck it under his arm again. He closes his eyes, not taking in any reactions. 

They leave him alone for a few hours, and then Ren wakes him up to eat and to give him water. Tokiya hesitates, but less this time than he had before. 

Two days later, he no longer hesitates to eat. 

After five, he’s figured out when they’re feeding him, and he follows them around, pressed to the side of whoever is going to get him food. 

Tokiya is grateful that they’re like him- because there isn’t any _animal_ food. He can eat it, of course- but to have meals made, specifically for an actual _animal_ was nice. It wasn’t all to his taste, but he still ate it. He had gotten used to dog food. They did seem to watch him- and he _did_ notice a few ingredients that they’d use less, noticing the subtle lack of enthusiasm towards them.

It only took a few days of actually eating properly before Tokiya could actually move around properly- and then came a day where Tokiya had started acting strange. He had begun moving closer to the door, his ears pressed against his head and his tail hung. 

He had actually started wagging his tail more often. It had taken a few days, but he had gotten used to staying on the couch when Ren or Ran sat on it- and he had gotten to know them both better. Ren was a jaguar, and his full name was Ren Jinguji. He was a photographer. Ran was actually Ranmaru Kurosaki, a white lion. He had a black and white striped tail- and he worked as a bass repair man. He’d have liked to work as a chef, but Ranmaru didn’t feel like jumping through hoops or dealing with the consequences if his non-human nature were to be found out. 

Ranmaru had been the first to approach him, crouching down. Tokiya still had the cup. Ranmaru insisted on washing it off every once in a while, but Tokiya got anxious without it, even though it was more duct tape than plastic at this point. 

Tokiya had felt that he overstayed his welcome. The weather wasn’t as terrible, and he wasn’t sickly thin anymore. He was moving around fine, after all. Ranmaru glances at Tokiya, and then at the door. Tokiya notices Ranmaru’s ears flatten against his head, almost hidden by his hair. His voice is grim. 

“This your way of askin’ ‘t leave?”

Tokiya lets out a short whine.

Ranmaru sighs, but he nods. “Ren’s gonna be sad. But we told you we wouldn’t keep you, so we won’t. But I don’t wanna just let you go ‘n have you starvin’ in another alleyway. When Ren gets back, we’ll take you somewhere safer, alright?”

When Ren gets home- they do. Ren and Ranmaru had spoken for a few minutes, quietly to themselves, and Ren looked _sad_, when they had finished talking. “C’mon, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is grim, and he grabs a blanket off the couch. It’s one that Tokiya recognizes- because it was the one Ranmaru had used to cover him when Ranmaru brought him home. 

To the house, Tokiya corrects himself. 

It was easy to forget after living here for almost a month. 

Tokiya follows, walking in between Ren and Ranmaru. 

He was curious about how they looked in their animal forms. He’d never seen them. But he hadn’t shown them his human form, either. There wouldn’t be time for either.

Ren frowns, watching Tokiya. His ears and tail hadn’t lifted yet. 

When they get in the car, Tokiya and Ranmaru stare at each other for a long moment, after he opens the backdoor of the car. “I’m puttin’ the blanket on top of you, y’know. I don’t give a shit about getting fur in the car.”

Tokiya finally, slowly climbs into the car, and Ranmaru drapes the blanket over him once he’s spread himself out. Ranmaru actually climbs in the back with him, and Tokiya lays his head on Ranmaru’s lap. Ren climbs into the driver’s side, and the ride is quiet. Ranmaru rests his hand on Tokiya’s side, under the blanket, and he pets through Tokiya’s fur. When they stop, it’s in a forest area- quite some area away from any houses. Ren parks the car near the tree line. 

Honestly- Tokiya was afraid. He was _terrified_. 

He had been a lone wolf his entire life, but he had also grown domestic. They weren’t tossing him in the middle of the forest, by any means- they were less than a half an hour away from their city home, and Tokiya had hunted, when he was a pup. 

And clearly, he had nearly starved, living in the alleys. The city wasn’t a place for a stray wolf. 

But he didn’t want to be alone. He hadn’t even realized the way his tail was tucked until Ranmaru had slid the blanket off of him. 

Tokiya sits up, as Ranmaru climbs out, and he pulls himself to the edge of the car, where Ren is already waiting. Ren wraps his arms around Tokiya’s neck, and Tokiya whines as Ren hugs him. When Ren moves to pull away at the noise, Tokiya takes another step forward, and Ren waits a moment before pulling away. Tokiya lets him. 

Ranmaru watches Tokiya closely- watches the way Tokiya’s head is bowed and his tail is tucked, and his ears are pulled back and flattened against his head. 

“A ‘lil late to ask this.” Ranmaru’s voice is… careful. That’s the best way that Tokiya can describe it. “But before y’go. Would ya give us at least five minutes in your human form?”

Tokiya blinks at him, surprised at the request, but he gives a nod. He settles down into a crouch, struggling to pull the blanket back over himself. Ren takes pity quickly, pulling the blanket over him. In the span of a few seconds, Tokiya is laying on the backseat, the blanket covering everything from his ankles to mid-chest. When he pushes himself up to a seated position, he keeps his legs curled up and he holds the blanket against his chest, keeping as much covered as he can. 

Ren and Ranmaru both look a bit surprised. They had obviously figured out that Tokiya was a ‘he’, and his black fur was a hair color hint, but that was as much as they really knew- other than his personality. They had learned, as soon as Tokiya felt healthier, that he definitely had one. Maybe even sooner- because Tokiya still had his cup. It was on the seat next to him right now.

They move. Ren moves to sit in the car on the side that’s open, and Ranmaru goes around the other side. Tokiya moves, so that he’s sitting fully in the middle. They’re pressed together, in the small backseat. 

“What’s your name?” Ren watches Tokiya. 

That was one flaw- in never revealing his human form. They had skipped around his name- because true to their word, they never, until this moment, asked him to show them his human form. 

“Tokiya.” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse from disuse. It’s been a very long time since he’s last spoken. “I don’t remember my last name.”

“When was the last time you weren’t in your wolf form?” Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises. 

“...I don’t remember.” Tokiya admits quietly. He’s turning the cup in his hands. “It’s safer in my animal form.”

“Why’re you so protective of the cup? It’s fallin’ apart.”

Tokiya holds the cup closer. “You were kind to me. ...I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust you for at least the first few days… but I haven’t been given _anything_ in years. It felt sentimental. It’s… all I really have, I guess.”

“Where were you before we found you?” Ren’s question is soft. Tokiya thinks that he already knows it’s not good. 

“I was passed around, mostly. A nearly tamed wolf was worth a lot of money- but with that came the problem that I was too tame. I wasn’t comfortable enough to be a pet, but I wasn’t exciting enough to be entertainment, and they got bored of me cowering in the back of their cages. So I would be released, and captured, and released. When you found me, I was just… trying not to be found again.”

They’re both quiet for a long moment. “Was I just assumin’ that you wanted ‘t leave, Tokiya?”

“It wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t… an incorrect assumption- I… I don’t know that I’d say I want to. I just feel like I may have overextended my welcome. You were unbelievably kind to take me in- but I’m not… I’m not sure I belong _anywhere_, but I’m really not sure that I should keep intruding in your private lives.”

Ren and Ranmaru speak at the same time. 

“You haven’t overextended your welcome.”

“What makes you think you’re intrudin’?”

“I suppose I just assumed.” Tokiya’s hands tighten around the cup. “It didn’t seem like you had taken me in with the expectation that I’d become a permanent fixture.”

“Guess we’re both guilty there.” Ranmaru sighs. 

“I’d like a straight answer then-” Ren seems to watch Tokiya’s face. “Do you _want_ to leave?”

“Can I ask a question first?” Tokiya’s gaze falls solely on the cup in his hands. He takes the silence as a yes. “If I said no- would you _want_ me to stay?”

They speak at the same time again.

“Yes.”

“We wouldn’t ask ya if we weren’t hopin’ you’d say no.”

Tokiya stays quiet for a second, and then he nods. “No. I don’t really want to leave.”

Ranmaru sighs- and the sound is almost a bit relieved. “Good. I was a ‘lil worried ‘bout droppin’ you off here, anyways.”

“What does that mean?” Tokiya looks up at Ranmaru, though there isn’t real offense in his voice.

“You seem a bit… domestic.” Ren admits. “Which isn’t a bad thing.” He’s fast to reassure Tokiya, as Tokiya’s attention shifts to him. “Ran and I are both very domestic ourselves, too. I’d much prefer living in a house than being in the wild.”

“Only reason we were gonna leave ya here was because we figured you’d be more comfortable. Y’never left your animal form, ‘n the alleys weren’t a place for a wolf ‘t live. I’d much prefer ‘t just keep you with us.”

“I… I used to like to stay in this form.” Tokiya admits. “It’s easier. I just… was worried, I suppose. It’s a lot easier to not mess anything up when you can’t speak.”

“If you’re not used to things, it can be harder. But it comes at a cost, too.” Ren’s voice is gentle. “I’d like to know you as _Tokiya_. I’ve only really managed to see a side of you, but I’d like to see more.”

“I’d like ‘t see you in a way that doesn’t feel like a _pet_.” Ranmaru agrees. 

“...I’m sorry I made you drive me all the way here to just… not leave.”

“Gives us time ‘t talk on the way back. ‘N by the way.” Ranmaru’s eyes return to the cup. “The meanin’ you’ve got behind the cup is nice- but it’s trash, Tokiya. Literally trash. Think I got it for free when I asked the cashier.” Tokiya holds the cup close to his chest, almost offended at Ranmaru’s dismissal of it, and then Ranmaru sighs, rubbing his eyes with a hand. “My point is that it wasn’t a gift, Tokiya. ‘N I’m not tryin’ ‘t take the feelings behind it away from you-” Tokiya watches him almost warily. “My point is that I’d like ‘ta replace it with an _actual_ gift.”

“What-?” 

“I was goin’ back ‘n forth on givin’ you that blanket you’re wearin’, because it wouldn’t be easy ‘t carry in a forest- but since you’re stayin’...” Tokiya blinks. “‘S why I brought it ‘n the first place.”

Tokiya had wondered about it. Particularly because it wasn’t for Tokiya to lie on- he had laid it over Tokiya. Tokiya hadn’t minded it, but he definitely wasn’t _cold_. Tokiya’s grip on the blanket tightens. 

“But I’d like it if you give me the cup.” Tokiya hesitates, and Ranmaru sighs. He reaches out, but he doesn’t take the cup, he just peels back the corner of one of the strips of tape. “‘Ve been tryin’ ‘t clean it, but look at it, Tokiya.” The old adhesive on the tape is dirty. Ranmaru used to replace the tape, but at this point, if he were to replace it, the entire cup would just fall apart. “I think it’s a safety hazard at this point.”

Ren’s hand lands on Tokiya’s shoulder, his thumb rubbing comforting circles into Tokiya’s skin. Ren’s voice is consoling. “He means well, Toki, and I agree.” Tokiya looks up, almost a bit doe-eyed at the nickname, but he glances back down, towards the cup in his hand. “And that blanket is just as old as the cup- and it’s going to last a lot longer.”

“I don’t want to get rid of it.” Tokiya lets go of the blanket, to hold onto the cup with both hands. He hears two sighs. 

“It’s getting late.” Ren finally says. “We can talk about this when we’re home.”

Ren slides out of the car, to go back to the driver’s side. Ranmaru buckles Tokiya in before he can slide over, keeping Tokiya in the middle, and keeping him in his human form. One of Tokiya’s hands returns to clutching the blanket, and it makes Ranmaru sigh. “Calm down. ‘M not gonna snatch anything from you.”

On the way home, they talk. For the first time ever- they actually have discussions. They miss out on most of the awkwardness of meeting a new person, because even though Tokiya hadn’t spoken to them before, they still _knew_ each other. 

Over the next month, Tokiya is human more than animal, though he does often revert- especially when Ranmaru and Ren have visitors. It’s usually others like them- but they have one or two humans that know what they are and visit. Not a single visitor has seemed surprised that they have a wolf in their home. 

Tokiya keeps a hold of the cup over the next month. Ranmaru isn’t even sure if there is any cup left in it, or if it’s all just tape. 

Tokiya had gotten closer to Ren and Ranmaru- and maybe even a bit _too_ close.

By two months in to knowing Tokiya as Tokiya, Ren had asked Tokiya if he would consider joining Ren and Ranmaru’s relationship, and Tokiya had been all for it. He knew that there was some taboo, over a multiple person relationship, but he didn’t share it.

The only thing that they ever consistently disagreed on was Tokiya’s cup- and the main reason that Ren and Ranmaru were so concerned about it reared its head not long after they had actually gotten together. 

They hadn’t seen Tokiya all day- because he had disappeared after breakfast and hadn’t returned. When Ren finally finds him, Tokiya is in his wolf form, curled around something in the corner of the room.

“Toki?” Ren is careful with approaching him, because Tokiya is holding himself strangely. Tokiya lets out a soft, pathetic yelp, and Ren is terrified for a moment that he’s hurt. When Ren moves closer, he stops, and his eyebrows lower. “Oh, baby.” Tokiya nudges the separated pieces of tape and plastic towards Ren almost desperately, but Ren’s expression doesn’t change. “I can’t fix it, Toki. I’m sorry.” Tokiya lets out another noise- a yip. “It’s broken, baby. We can’t fix it.”

Ren can’t imagine how broken Tokiya’s expression would be in his human form, because he looks torn apart even in his wolf form. Tokiya lets out a quiet, broken howl, and it breaks Ren’s heart. 

The noise calls Ranmaru into the room, and his eyes land almost immediately on the hopelessly broken cup. Tokiya notices Ranmaru, and he tries to nudge it towards Ranmaru. “Please don’t look at me like that, babe.” Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow, and his expression matches Ren’s own hopeless one. “It’s done. We can’t fix it.” 

Tokiya gets quiet, just looking between Ranmaru and Ren, and then he lets out a low whine, and he uses his paw to push the pieces back towards himself, to move back into the corner. He’s got a bit of a hoard- having drug the blanket back with him into the small spot he’s taken over, and he curls back over the pieces. He’s guarding them, Ren and Ranmaru realize, to keep them from taking them. 

Both Ren and Ranmaru were less concerned with the pieces themselves, but with Tokiya, dealing with the loss of the cup. He had become protective of the blanket, as well- enough that Ranmaru could no longer use it as a bargaining tool to trade for the cup. Even Ranmaru couldn’t take it away- not with the way that Tokiya kept it draped over himself during most of the day. And even at night, he’d bring it with him. 

He did, at least, let Ren wash the blanket. 

Sometimes, he’d drape it over Ranmaru, or Ren, particularly after it’s just been washed- because Tokiya liked it when the blanket smelled like them. 

But he had always kept the damn cup. 

Ranmaru tried to convince him that it was the feelings behind the cup- and tried to tell him that he and Ren would continue caring for him, and that it wouldn’t ever change. That he didn’t need the cup because he had them.

Ren went in at a different approach. He tried to find other, more permanent things for Tokiya. 

That’s the approach they’d take today. It was clear that Tokiya bonded with items- in a similar way to how he bonded with them. 

They certainly weren’t trying to find random objects- but it was difficult to find meaningful objects. 

Ren had been the one to suggest soft items. The cup obviously couldn’t be counted- but Tokiya did have a fondness for softer things. Tokiya’s other item he had taken to had been a small plushy cat keychain- one that Ren kept on his keys. Tokiya had found a fascination with it, and after three times of Tokiya stealing Ren’s keys, Ren chose to take the charm off and give it to Tokiya. It seemed to make Tokiya much happier than it made Ren. 

Ranmaru had been the first to sit with Tokiya while Ren tried to find a solution- but when Ren offered him the aforementioned charm, Tokiya had pushed it away from himself. 

Ranmaru had tried food. Tokiya really enjoyed Ranmaru’s cooking- but today it did nothing. Tokiya hadn’t even lifted his head. 

They’d sit near him, all three of them nearly silent- with the exception of the occasional soft whimper from Tokiya. 

And then Ranmaru seems to think of something- and Ren watches him curiously as Ranmaru stands, to go dig through the closet. 

Tokiya doesn’t look up. 

When Ranmaru sits back down, he’s holding a teddy bear. He reaches out, to pet through the fur on Tokiya’s back. “Will y’turn towards me, babe?” 

Tokiya does, with a noisy huff. 

“Hear me out, alright?” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit gruff. Tokiya eyes the teddy bear, almost a bit wearily. “This is Christopher.” Despite Ren’s worry for Tokiya, he can’t help his smile. He had met Christopher. He thought it was absolutely, beyond touching, that Ranmaru was willing to go this far, to make Tokiya feel better. “‘Ve had ‘im since I was a kitten. ‘N if you’ll have him, I’d like ‘t give him to you.”

Tokiya does sit up, and his low whine here is different. Almost unsure. Surprised. When Tokiya leans forward, he bumps his nose against Ranmaru’s arm with another low whine- but Ranmaru offers the teddy bear. 

“I mean it. ‘Ve had him for a really long time. I think you’ll treat him well.”

There’s another low whine, but when Ranmaru sets it down, next to Tokiya, Tokiya does slowly reach out with his paw, to pull the bear closer. His paws fold over each other, to hold onto the bear. He shimmies, moving closer, to press his nose against Ranmaru’s leg. 

Ren pets over Tokiya’s side, and his voice is slow and careful. “Can I take the pieces of the cup, baby?” 

Ren’s almost nervous, asking. And Ranmaru is quiet as well. Tokiya lets out a soft yip, but he only curls up closer to Ranmaru. 

Tokiya can’t help the whines, despite how quickly Ren takes the pieces away, trying to be focused on keeping it as painless for Tokiya as he can.

“We should go lay down in the bed, Toki.” Ranmaru’s hand drops, to pet through the fur on Tokiya’s neck. “‘N I think we need ‘t talk about this.” 

Tokiya doesn’t move. At first, Ranmaru wonders if he’s been ignored, but after a long moment, he feels skin under his hand, rather than fur. He lets Tokiya sit up, though Tokiya only sits up long enough to pull the blanket over his waist, and then he lays back down. Ranmaru shifts in time for Tokiya’s head to land in his lap and not on the floor. Tokiya is still gripping tightly onto the bear. 

“Is it really alright to give me th… him?” Tokiya’s voice breaks. The first thing that Ranmaru had noticed were the tears already forming in Tokiya’s eyes, and he can feel tears staining his jeans. 

“‘Course it is. You need him, ‘n so he should be with you.”

“Thank you, Ran.”

Ranmaru pets through Tokiya’s hair, carefully avoiding his ears as he does. 

“Do you think Ren’s mad at me?” Tokiya’s voice raises a pitch, and Ranmaru’s confused. Ren has just rounded the corner, to enter the room, but Tokiya hasn’t noticed yet.

“Huh? Why would he be mad?”

“I didn’t want to be mean.” Tokiya curls in on himself further, and Ranmaru reaches down, to readjust the blanket as it slips. “But I was, when he tried to give me the cat charm.”

“I’m not mad, baby.” Ren reassures. Tokiya looks up, as Ren walks in, and Ren rejoins them on the floor. “Of course I’m not. I know the cup meant a lot to you. I’m very, very glad that the bear helps.” Ren reaches out, to squeeze Tokiya’s leg. “But I understand why it helped and the charm didn’t.”

“I do like the charm.” Tokiya insists. “I didn’t want it to seem like I don’t.”

“I know, Toki.” Ren smiles softly at him. “I’m not offended. I promise. And it was a gift. I won’t take it back. You just didn’t need it now- that’s all.”

“Are you going to be alright?” Ren asks softly. 

“I don’t know.” Tokiya holds tighter onto Christopher. “I know you both think it’s silly, but the cup meant a lot to me.” Tokiya has to pause, breaking into a sob. “...And I feel like _I_ ruined it. I tried to keep it safe and all I did was break it! I know you both told me to get rid of it but I… I feel like I let you down.”

Ranmaru and Ren get quiet for a long moment- Ranmaru’s hand petting through Tokiya’s hair and Ren’s hand resting on Tokiya’s calf. Ren finally speaks up. “You didn’t, Toki. You didn’t.”

“Shit- it was admirable. How well you took care ‘a it. But the odds were against you, babe. It was a flimsy plastic cup. You did everything you could. ‘N you definitely didn’t let us down.”

“Will- will you sleep in your animal forms with me?”

Tokiya had at least seen Ren and Ranmaru in their true form- but they preferred their human form in the way Tokiya preferred his animal one. But Tokiya was usually in his human form because communication was easier. 

“‘Course.” Ranmaru agrees easily. He wasn’t as ready to stay in his animal form as Tokiya was- but he was more open to it than Ren usually was. “We should move ‘t the big bed, though.”

“If we don’t crush it.” Ren sighs. “Two big cats and a wolf aren’t light.”

“We can take the mattress off ‘a the bed ‘n sleep on that.”

“We don’t have to.” Tokiya’s fingers tighten around the bear, but Ren squeezes Tokiya’s leg. 

“I’m not denying you, baby. I’m fine with it. These are just formalities, my love.”

Ren and Ranmaru work together to move the mattress off of the frame and box spring and onto the floor, but Ranmaru makes Tokiya eat before he lets him lay down- though it wasn’t from lack of trying. Tokiya had tried to head to the mattress as soon as they had set it down, but Ranmaru had stopped him. 

Tokiya hadn’t eaten much- and Ren had to stop him from going to the trash can for the cup pieces. He had seen Tokiya’s gaze lingering over there far too often. Ranmaru takes care of the dishes, and Ren goes to quickly get ready for bed, but Tokiya just crawls onto the mattress. He covers himself completely with the blanket and curls in on himself. He’s still clutching Christopher- he hadn’t let go of the bear since he had received it.

The discussion earlier hadn’t made him feel much better. 

Tokiya was scared. It had started with the cup- but what was next? Would he ruin the blanket? Maybe he should return the bear, before he ruins that, too. Or heaven forbid he ruin his relationship. 

They had called him domestic- but compared to them, he was wild. He handled intricacies like a child, and he often didn’t know exactly what to say. He was poor at handling upset. 

He buries his face in the belly of the teddy bear, crying as quietly as he can. He feels a heavy weight, dipping the mattress, and he hears a heavy grumble besides him as the big cat settles down. 

Jaws bite gingerly at the blanket, to pull it back from Tokiya’s head, and Tokiya looks up from the bear with teary eyes. He loves both of them- but Ranmaru’s white lion form is especially majestic. One of Tokiya’s hands lifts from the bear, to rest on Ranmaru’s side. His fur is shiny and soft, and it’s a lot different than Tokiya’s. Tokiya had never imagined being in a relationship at all- but it added extra layers, to date people like him. It was strange, dating _cats_\- but he didn’t mind it. 

Ranmaru’s large paw works its way over Tokiya, but Tokiya has yet to get himself fully together. He ends up sobbing into Ranmaru’s fur. He’s crying too hard to even think about changing forms- which annoys him further. Only a moment later, he feels the other large cat settle against his back. 

Tokiya cries harder, when Ranmaru starts purring- though it’s meant to be a comforting gesture. He feels a heavy weight on his side as Ren lays his head on Tokiya. One of Tokiya’s hands lifts, to grip at his hair, pulling harshly. He hears a noise, almost a growl, from Ranmaru, but a few seconds later Tokiya feels a hand wrap around his wrist, to gently lower his hand. Ren is wrapped around Tokiya, anchoring himself to Tokiya with a leg around Tokiya’s waist, and Ren places Tokiya’s hand on Ranmaru’s stomach. Tokiya’s touch is much softer, with Ranmaru. 

“I’ll turn back when you calm down.” Ren says softly. Tokiya feels Ren’s tail settle over the blanket, over his side. 

Tokiya is still hiding his face in Ranmaru’s fur, but his crying is only getting more hysterical. “I’m sorry.” He hiccups. 

“Ssh, you don’t need to be.” Ren coos. “It’s alright to be upset, baby.”

“I don’t want to lose you.” Tokiya’s voice breaks, and it’s hardly audible. He feels Ranmaru’s snout press to the top of his head, his paw flexing against Tokiya’s shoulder. 

“You’re not, Toki. You aren’t going to. We’re going to be with you for a very long time.” Ren’s hand moves, underneath the blanket to properly wrap around Tokiya. He rubs Tokiya’s stomach, under his shirt, and he presses a kiss to the back of Tokiya’s neck. 

“Maybe I should have left.” Tokiya says quietly. “I don’t even know why you picked me up from the alley. I’m… wild. I’m not wild enough to really be wild but I’m not tame enough to be domestic.”

“Don’t say that.” Ren’s voice is stern. Ranmaru makes another displeased noise. “I think that I’d be lost, not having you here. I’m so glad to have Ran, but you’re just as important to me. I hate just thinking about what might have happened if we hadn’t found you.”

“Ran, I’m getting your fur wet.” Tokiya weakly tries to push Ranmaru back, but Ranmaru only shifts, moving closer to Tokiya. 

It takes a few very long moments for Tokiya to finally calm down, and when he does, he feels Ren move, and he can tell immediately when Ren changes back into his cat form. 

After a few minutes, Tokiya actually manages to return to his own animal form. He curls up, around the bear, and he feels Ranmaru and Ren curl around him, keeping him between them. Tokiya feels a large, rough tongue brush over the top of his head, and he squirms, pressing the side of his face against Ranmaru, and he feels Ranmaru purr. Ranmaru purrs until Tokiya starts to feel his eyes close. His paws close around the bear, pulling it closer, and he can feel Ren’s head land on his side, rumbling with Ren’s own purrs. 

They stay awake, watching over him, long after Tokiya’s already fallen asleep.


	58. Chapter Fifty - Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning ; injury, supernatural

Tokiya was a prideful man- and that often got him into trouble. 

Like today, on the set for a movie scene. It was a horror movie, and he had let himself be goaded into playing with a prop ouija board with some others in the cast. 

“Haven’t you read the script? That’s asking for trouble.”

“You don’t believe that.” One of the cast members shakes his head at Tokiya. 

“Whether it is or isn’t real, I don’t like testing that sort of thing.”

“You’re scared.” Tokiya gets accused, which makes Tokiya narrow his eyes. “I don’t get why they gave _you_ the lead- chicken shit.” 

That one would strike Tokiya, because he had been insecure about this role as it was. Tokiya was ecstatic to be a lead in a horror movie- but he was worried because he had never done anything like this. He had no experience with anything horror, only a love for it. 

When Tokiya doesn’t speak, the costar knows that he hit the right key. “If you want to make me believe that you’re worthy of your role, play the game.”

Tokiya’s jaw clenches. “Fine.”

That’s how Tokiya found himself sat in front of a board, surrounded by three other coworkers. “Go ahead.”

“Aren’t you going to put your hand on the planchette?” Tokiya raises his eyebrow. 

“If you don’t believe in it, you shouldn’t care about playing alone.”

“That’s the first rule of what _not_ to do.”

“Who cares?”

“Why are you all here if you aren’t going to play?”

“To make sure that you do.” 

Tokiya lets out an annoyed huff, rolling his eyes but setting his hand on the planchette. “Is anyone there?” His voice is tight, maybe a bit borderline sarcastic. The anger isn’t at the board, but at the living company around him. He'd never show it, but his heart is pounding almost fearfully in his chest.

Tokiya felt he had to prove himself. Even if it were a mistake.

Nothing happens. No moving planchettes, or flickering lights. Tokiya felt normal. 

It wouldn’t keep him from mumbling a quick, “Goodbye.” And moving the planchette to the bottom of the board. “There. I’m done. Are you over it, now?”

Tokiya gets the main costar to begrudgingly allow Tokiya to get off of the hook, as well as the promise of not mentioning Tokiya’s role again. 

When Tokiya gets to his own apartment, he finally notices things not behaving quite right. Just the other day he had changed his porch light, but it had not only gone out- it had _burst_, right as Tokiya had crossed under it. It slices his cheek, just a small cut, but enough to put him on edge already. 

When he goes inside, the door slams behind him before he even touches it. 

He finds all of his cabinets open in the kitchen, and when he tries to close one, his heavy stand mixer falls out, landing hard on his wrist. 

Even through the pain of what was likely a broken wrist, Tokiya knew that he hadn’t put that stand mixer anywhere near the edge of the cabinet. 

Tokiya wasn’t a firm believer in the supernatural- an admitted skeptic, but even he couldn’t deny that these were all too strange. Especially after he had broken a rule of a ouija board- even if it didn’t seem to work. 

Tokiya is crying, in a serious amount of pain from his wrist. He’d take out his phone, to call his boyfriend, Ranmaru. Tokiya was already having issues, fumbling with his left hand, he couldn’t take the risk of driving himself to the hospital. 

“Please pick up, please pick up-” Tokiya’s voice was almost a whimper, but Ranmaru would actually catch part of Tokiya’s plea.

“What’s goin’ on?” It was only eight at night, but Ranmaru sounded like he had just woken up. 

“Ran, I broke my wrist. Can you come take me to the hospital?” Tokiya’s voice is strained with pain, and he’s holding his hand carefully to his chest. 

With some difficulty, Tokiya exits his home. It was cold outside, but he was beginning to grow genuinely afraid, and he didn’t want to stay inside. And then, as he’d try to step off of his porch, he’d feel something that felt like a hard push, and he’d land on his stomach- and his hurt wrist. Ranmaru had started to respond, but he’d be drowned out by Tokiya’s hurt cry. 

“Shit, Toki, what happened?” Ranmaru had obviously already been beginning to get ready to leave, but his voice is holding poorly concealed panic. 

Tokiya has to take a second, rolling onto his back, letting out a few pained sobs, and he isn’t quite sure how well Ranmaru can understand him. “I just… I fell right on my hand- that’s… Jesus. That’s all.”

“I’m gonna be right there. Be careful, Tokiya, _please_.” 

“I will be.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, he’s still in an incredible amount of pain. It’s only a few minute drive between their houses, so Ranmaru doesn’t take long. Tokiya hadn’t stood from his spot on the ground, almost afraid to stand up. Blissfully, nothing else had happened while he waited on his front lawn.

Ranmaru’s car door slams closed, and Tokiya feels hands on him, helping him up, and he goes. His face is tear stained, his wrist cradled against his chest, still. 

“You really fucked it up.” Ranmaru frowns. “Why’re you lying here outside?”

“It’s a long story.” Tokiya says softly. “I’ll tell you everything later, if you’ll even believe me. But I…”

“Should get your wrist taken care of. Yeah.” Ranmaru helps Tokiya up. 

Tokiya gets released the next day, though he’d have to call off from work, because his wrist still _really_ hurt, and he hadn’t fallen asleep last night. Ranmaru could tell that he was scared and shaken up, but Tokiya had refused to tell him exactly what was going on in the hospital. His story was basically what had happened, minus the inexplainability of it. 

“The stand mixer fell from the shelf.”

“When you were gettin’ it for your late night cookies?” 

“I must have just placed it wrong is all.” 

Ranmaru had sighed, frowning. “And what’s with that cut on your cheek?”

“Freak accident with my porch light.”

Ranmaru would have stopped the questions until he was taking Tokiya back- but when he’d pull in front of Tokiya’s apartment, Tokiya refuses to leave the car. 

“I’m sorry, Ran, it’s ridiculous.” Tokiya’s voice held real fear. “But I can’t go back in there.”

“Tokiya, what the fuck is going on?”

Tokiya looks embarrassed, and almost a bit guilty. “I… I let some of the cast members bully me into playing with a ouija board, and all of the things that happened last night just didn’t make sense-” His voice would shake. “I know I didn’t leave that stand mixer anywhere near where it fell from, and I know I didn’t just trip over one of the two stairs. It sounds insane but _something_ is trying to kill me.”

Ranmaru searches his face with narrowed eyes, and he’d sigh. “'M gonna be honest. I think you’re tired, and stressed, and you had a bad night and you’re startin’ to associate it with the game y'played. But I’m not gonna drag you in there. We can just go 't my apartment.”

Tokiya nods, and Ranmaru shuts the passenger door to get back in the car. Ranmaru begins to drive, but he’d put a comforting hand on Tokiya’s knee. 

“I think I’m right.” Tokiya mumbles, not quite defensively, but more matter of factly. “But thank you. For not treating me like I’m an idiot. I… do respect that you think it’s ridiculous-” 

Ranmaru cuts him off. “I didn’t say it was ridiculous. I said I don’t believe it, and I meant that- but weird shit happen sometimes. Ya might’a had a shitty night. Things happen, 'n I don’t blame you for jumpin’ to that conclusion. I mean it.”

Tokiya gives a small, tired smile. “I was going to say that I appreciate you treating me kindly. I suppose that sentiment is stronger now.” 

Ranmaru snorts, but he’d squeeze Tokiya’s knee. Luckily, Ranmaru’s apartment isn’t much further than Tokiya’s. 

“Let’s go get you layin’ down. You look exhausted.” 

Tokiya nods, following Ranmaru in. Nothing physical happens. Not getting out of the car, or going into Ranmaru’s apartment. But when Tokiya takes the sweatshirt and pants that Ranmaru gives him and goes into the bathroom, the lights burn out. Through the mirror, Tokiya could see a secondary outline, getting rapidly closer to him. Tokiya leaves, nearly tripping over himself on the way out of the door. Ranmaru looks startled, partway through changing himself, and then his eyebrows furrow, dropping his shirt to catch Tokiya. He’d glance behind Tokiya, into the dark bathroom. 

“Shit. What happened?” Ranmaru pays attention to Tokiya. Tokiya just holds tightly onto Ranmaru, too shaken up at the moment to say anything. He’d bury his head in Ranmaru’s neck, letting out a quiet sob. Ranmaru is confused, incredibly, but he’d hold onto Tokiya, rubbing his back. Tokiya hadn’t even gotten undressed. It was such an immediate thing- he had hardly been in there for a minute. 

When Tokiya finally calms down, his voice is shaking. “The lights went off. I saw something in the mirror. I swear I did.”

Ranmaru keeps Tokiya in the embrace for a long few moments, but he’d finally release Tokiya. “Get changed in here, then.” 

Ranmaru doesn’t leave the room, but he tries to flip the lightswitch up and down, frowning. “Fuckin’ swear those were still good.” He mumbles under his breath. He wouldn’t leave Tokiya alone in the room, turning around to put the shirt he had dropped back on, and at that point Tokiya was almost done getting undressed. He’s moving a bit slowly, but he’s beginning to get dressed. Ranmaru doesn’t climb into the bed until Tokiya does, and Ranmaru’s hand wraps around his waist. 

Tokiya has a horrific nightmare. It was dark, and small and damp. He kept seeing the shape of something that was almost human and almost wasn’t- and he smelled _death_. That was all he could remember, before waking up to his name. It was soft, and distant, but it was Ranmaru. Tokiya’s head lifts tiredly, in time to see Ranmaru, passing through the doorway, further into the apartment. Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, but the fear of being alone in the room gets him to push himself up. “Ran?” 

Ranmaru grunts beside him, reaching out, grabbing his arm. Tokiya jumps, but Ranmaru would push himself up, just a bit, one eye opening. “‘S only been a few hours, Toki, what’re you doin’ sittin’ up?” 

“I thought-” Tokiya is too tired to keep himself from bursting into tears. It’s been _one day_, but he’s so tired of all of this already. Ranmaru is more awake now, sitting up and holding Tokiya closer. Tokiya is terrified that the Ranmaru walking towards the living room was the real Ranmaru- but if the Ranmaru in his bed were the ghost, Tokiya would probably be dead by now. “I saw you, I-” 

Ranmaru gets very quiet, and he’d sigh. “Soon as you wake up, we’ll go find someone that knows somethin’ about this, okay?”

“Okay.” Tokiya says, his voice shaky. Ranmaru lays him back down, holding him closer than he had when they first went to sleep. When Tokiya wakes up again, Ranmaru is still holding him, but he does see another figure, over Ranmaru’s shoulder. It looks like Ranmaru- but it’s not right. 

There’s a deep bruise around his neck in the shape of a ring, and his jaw is off center. His eyes are dull, dead. It seems like he shouldn’t be able to stand, yet he is. His fingertips are stained with blood, but when Tokiya’s eyes meet his- they’d turn from the floor to meet Tokiya’s as well. He would smile, and Tokiya could hear crunching from the bones in his jaw as his smile would turn unnatural, unable to fully form from the broken jaw. Tokiya hears wheezing, as he’d breath, like something was stopping him from breathing at all. Tokiya buries his head in Ranmaru’s neck, and his shaking would be enough to wake Ranmaru up. Tokiya is crying too hard to look up. He’s too afraid to see if the other Ranmaru… the ghost? Is still there. 

Ranmaru’s hands fumble across his back, to try to tiredly pull him closer and to comfort him at the same time. Tokiya wouldn’t pull back from Ranmaru, even as he starts actually waking up. “Toki? What’s going on?”

Tokiya simply holds him closer, shaking his head. Tokiya’s heart pounds as he’d glance up, just over Ranmaru’s shoulder, but Ranmaru had crouched down, and had gotten closer to Tokiya, his clouded eyes far too close to Tokiya. Tokiya lets out a choked sob, hiding his face once more in Ranmaru’s shoulder. The first sob leads to more, until Tokiya is nearly inconsolable. Tokiya can tell that Ranmaru feels helpless, but Tokiya can’t even begin to explain what he had seen. Clearly Ranmaru was alright. He’s warm, and reacting, and pressed up to Tokiya- but the image of Ranmaru’s eyes, dull, dead and hazy, were still haunting Tokiya’s thoughts. His skin was so pale that the bruise had almost shone. Tokiya’s sobs had just started to die down, but he’d let out another pathetic cry as he thinks about it. 

“I don’t know what’s happening, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is strained. He clearly wants to help Tokiya, but doesn’t know how. It would take a long moment for Tokiya to finally calm down. 

“I’m seeing things.” Tokiya mumbles hoarsely against Ranmaru’s chest. “I’m so sick of this, Ran.”

“We’ll find someone to help.” Ranmaru says quietly. “I promise.”

When Tokiya could finally look up again, the other Ranmaru was gone. Tokiya gets quiet for a second, and then he finally sits up, holding onto Ranmaru’s arm. “I- ...I really have to go to the bathroom.” His voice is quiet and embarrassed. “I’m afraid to go in there alone. I… the worst of it has happened when I was alone.”

“If it’ll make you feel safer, I’ll stand in there with you.” Ranmaru’s thumb would brush against his lower back. Tokiya cautiously moves out of the bed, but waits for Ranmaru to get up, too, before he’d move towards the bathroom. He’d wait for Ranmaru to step inside, leaning against the counter nearest the door, and Tokiya heads further in. He has to leave the door open, anyways, considering the lights were out. Tokiya still felt embarrassed- but he also still felt scared, and that was worse than his embarrassment. He did, however, believe that he was less likely to be attacked with Ranmaru with him, and that’s what would make him ignore the awkward situation he had gotten himself into. 

“Thank you.” Tokiya finishes, washing his hands without looking in the mirror. Ranmaru would have grunted. 

“Here, don’t move into the bedroom yet. If you were seein’ things in there, ya shouldn’t stay alone.” Ranmaru switches places with Tokiya, heading to the toilet while Tokiya waits by the counter. He wasn’t sure if Ranmaru’s opinion had really changed- but it did almost seem like it had. And even if it really hadn’t, Tokiya’s chest warms at Ranmaru’s consideration. Even if he thought Tokiya was crazy, he wasn’t taking chances, and Tokiya is reminded of how much he loved Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru washes his hands, and Tokiya leans his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder. “I’m so tired, Ran.” Tokiya’s voice is weak. 

“We’ll get this taken care of.” Ranmaru promises. “Soon as we can.”

Ranmaru has to make quite a few calls. Tokiya had tried to help, but when he had picked up the phone, he had only gotten distorted static. Ranmaru would have finally found someone. 

Before they had called, Ranmaru had spoken to Tokiya more about what was going on. 

“So tell me exactly what’s goin' on.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “Kinda things you’re seeing, and how you think it works.”

“When I was at my house, it was just things trying to kill me. And I think the same thing happened in the bathroom last night. When I’m alone, I think it tries to kill me, because the only things I’ve seen, when I’ve been with you, have just been… distractions. Things trying to scare me. To separate me from you, I think. I saw… you. This morning and last night.”

With that information, Ranmaru makes the calls. The person he finally settles on had both a high price and also didn’t seem fixated on ghosts haunting a house, and more on a ghost haunting a person. Clearly, the ghost wasn’t interested in a location. 

They would have met the woman in her office. 

Tokiya gave her as much information as he could, and she seems fast in forming her opinions but she doesn’t say anything until Tokiya is done speaking. 

“I see. I can tell you right now that it sounds like you’re being haunted by a _demon_, rather than a ghost. Which means that you don’t have much hope in appeasing it. Unfortunately, I’m unable to help you directly. The most that I can give you is some forewarning and advice. The demon will not leave you alone, unless you’ve taken care of it, or _its_ taken care of you.” Ranmaru stiffens at Tokiya’s side, especially at her phrasing. Tokiya was already starting to get used to being scared. He hardly reacts. 

“Then how do you suggest I go about taking care of it?” 

“There are multiple ways. The easiest, if it works, is to find and burn the board you used to summon the demon. In theory, it should close the gate you’ve given it. If the board won’t let you burn it, your best chance is to get someone else to play the board and pray that the demon takes a liking to them.”

“You’re telling me to condemn someone else? Isn’t there another way?”

“If the board doesn’t burn- there’s not.” The woman sighs, lacing her hands together in front of her on her desk. “Because I can’t help you, I won’t charge you for the consultation. I wish you luck, but there’s nothing more I can do.” 

Tokiya gives a stiff nod, and his frustration is poorly hidden- though it isn’t entirely at her. He asked for this. He normally was the type to be careful with things he didn’t understand, whether he believed them to be real or not, but he was angry at himself for getting himself this far. 

As Tokiya and Ranmaru are leaving, the woman speaks up. “Actually, one last piece of advice.” When Tokiya turns, he realizes that she’s watching Ranmaru. “For your safety, it would be best to avoid your… friend. At least until he’s taken care of his demon problem.”

Ranmaru looks angry, and he scowls at her. He doesn’t say anything, just putting a hand on Tokiya’s back to lead him out. As soon as they’re outside, he speaks to Tokiya. “Fuck that. ‘M not leavin’ you alone.”

Tokiya is torn. A large part of him doesn’t want Ranmaru to leave him alone- but the rest of him is worried about Ranmaru’s safety. “Are you sure? ...I don’t want you to get hurt because of a terrible decision I’ve made.”

“It was a real dumb decision, but I’m not gonna leave you alone until I know _you’re_ gonna be safe. There’s not much I can do against this situation, which pisses me off-” Ranmaru’s arm wraps over Tokiya’s shoulders, holding Tokiya close to himself, protectively. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna try. I’ll be here until we get this shit over with, alright?”

Tokiya sets his head against Ranmaru’s shoulder, going easily into Ranmaru’s side. “I just want it to be over.” Tokiya admits quietly. “In whatever way that may be.”

“It’s gonna be over when we burn that fuckin’ board.” Ranmaru says, his voice stern. “That’s the only way it’s ending.”

“I hope so.”

“How hard is it gonna be for you ‘t get on set?”

Tokiya thinks about it for a moment. “Not hard. I should be able to get into the prop room because I left part of my costume there. Technically, I _should_ have my costume on me, so it wouldn’t be strange if I went in to go get it.”

“Then let’s head there now, yeah? Get this over with.”

Tokiya nods. Ranmaru opens the car door for Tokiya, but Tokiya doesn’t actually close the door until Ranmaru has gotten in on his side. Ranmaru doesn’t question him about it. 

As Ranmaru drives, he occasionally reaches out to squeeze Tokiya’s knee, or his hand. Tokiya purposefully keeps his hand close to the center console, because he can’t deny that it makes him feel better, when Ranmaru reaches over. 

Tokiya does have to give instructions when they start to near the production studio, but luckily they don’t have much trouble getting in. Tokiya finally moves his hand, to pick at the edge of his cast, until Ranmaru finally stops in a lot and takes his hand again. “Oi. Leave it alone.” Tokiya frowns, not quite able to look at Ranmaru’s face. His eyes are drawn towards the set. Ranmaru sighs, squeezing his hand. “I’d like ‘t go in with ya. Is that gonna get you in trouble?”

“It shouldn’t.” Tokiya says quietly. “And I think I’d like you to go in with me, too.” 

Tokiya opens the door before Ranmaru gets out of his side, but he doesn’t get out of the car until Ranmaru is back. Ranmaru manages to pull Tokiya out of the way just before the door slams on his hand. “Shit! You okay?” Ranmaru is holding him closely. Protectively. 

Ranmaru usually wasn’t very physical in public, considering both his and Tokiya’s idol status, but this situation was special. “I’m okay.” Just shaken up. But Tokiya doesn’t need to say that aloud. Ranmaru knows. 

Ranmaru rubs Tokiya’s back. “Let’s just go grab that stupid fuckin’ board ‘n get this done with.”

Tokiya nods, and when he goes to take Ranmaru’s hand, Ranmaru lets him, holding his hand tightly as Tokiya leads them in. Today wasn’t a shooting day, so none of the techs force Ranmaru out. He’s stopped once, on the way into the prop room, but when he explains that he’s going to get his costume he’s allowed in without any more interference. It’s easy to find the board, and it’s just as easy to sneak it out, using the jacket of his costume he had left behind. 

No one stops them on their way out. 

As soon as they’re back in the car, Ranmaru seems incredibly serious. He seems to think for a long moment, and then he turns out of the lot. He pulls over, less than two minutes into their drive, near an empty build lot. “Ran?”

“I don’t wanna drive too far with that thing. Dunno if it makes things stronger ‘r somethin’, but if it’s real, I don’t wanna test it.” Tokiya nods, and then Ranmaru reaches over, to dig through the glovebox in front of Tokiya. He takes out a pack of what seems to have been four lighters, though now it’s only three, one having been removed. 

“Why do you have lighters in your car?”

Ranmaru huffs, rubbing the back of his neck. “I used ‘t smoke. ‘Fore I dated you. Just never got rid of ‘em.” 

“I guess that they’ll come in handy now.” Tokiya hadn’t thought much about smoking- but whether he agreed with it or he didn’t, Ranmaru didn’t smoke anymore. Ranmaru seemed to almost expect a lecture, but Tokiya didn’t feel the need to give him one. Ranmaru is clearly fine with Tokiya switching the topic.

Ranmaru grunts, taking the three lighters out of the packaging and sticking the cardboard back into the dashboard, slipping the lighters into his pockets. Ranmaru reaches over, to take the board, but Tokiya holds it to himself. “If- If it doesn’t work, I don’t want the ghost, or demon, to start following you. I don’t know how easy or hard it is, but I don’t want to risk it.” 

Ranmaru sighs, and Tokiya notices his frown, but he won’t hand the board over. Ranmaru reaches up, rubbing his eyes. “Alright. Fine. But we’ve gotta do this fast, ‘n I’m gonna light it.”

“Ran-”

“I’m not arguin’ on this one.”

Tokiya gets quiet, but now he’s the one frowning as he gets out of the car. Ranmaru follows him, away from the car into the empty, dirt lot, and Tokiya takes out the board. 

“Lay it down.” Tokiya listens, and when he has, Ranmaru’s hand reaches out. “Back up.” 

“What are you going to do?” Tokiya had no plans to step back, but Ranmaru didn’t give him a choice. 

“Somethin’ stupid.” Ranmaru grunts. “It’ll be fine, but if the board’s out fer you, I don’t want you near it.”

“That’s not an answer, Ranmaru.”

“Calm down.” Tokiya watches Ranmaru as he fiddles with the first lighter, and his eyebrows raise when Ranmaru manages to break it, getting the top of the lighter off. He dumps the lighter fluid on the board, trying to cover as much as he can. He does the same thing with the second. 

“Ran, this is a terrible idea.” Tokiya says sternly. When he walks closer, Ranmaru stops him again. “You’re going to light yourself on fire.”

“I kept the lighter fluid from gettin’ on me. I’ll be fine, Toki. How else ‘r we supposed ‘t light the board enough ‘t burn it?”

Tokiya’s jaw tightens, relaxes, and then tightens again. Despite his seeming anger, Ranmaru can easily tell that it’s worry. 

“I’ll do it quick. I’ll be fine, Toki.”

“I don’t like this. This is incredibly dangerous.”

“‘N that’s why I want you ‘t stand back.”

“That’s not my point!” 

“We’ve gotta get it done. Just step back, alright? I’ll move back soon as it’s lit.” 

Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, and he knows that his concern is now much clearer on his face. It’s hard, to step back, and he only gets a few steps backwards. Ranmaru starts the lighter, and he is fast, with getting the flame close enough to the board to catch. The flame starts, too fast, too bright, too hot. It catches Ranmaru’s hand, despite how fast he had pulled away, but it forces him to release the lighter. 

Ranmaru grits his teeth, moving back quickly. He uses his injured hand to push Tokiya back further with him, though Tokiya finds himself holding onto Ranmaru’s arm. He isn’t fighting Ranmaru on retreating- if anything, he’s pulling Ranmaru with him. The board lights up, the fire almost alarmingly large. Much larger than it should be. Ranmaru pulls Tokiya back with the lighter that he had been forced to drop explodes, hot plastic and metal shooting from the board. Ranmaru takes most of it, despite Tokiya trying to prevent it. 

When the fire finally dies down, to nothing more than a small, low flame, the board is almost ash. Ranmaru doesn’t let Tokiya go until the fire has fully put itself out. Ranmaru is the one that walks closer, nudging the ashes with his foot. 

“It’s burnt.” Ranmaru says flatly. “I fuckin’ hope that worked.” He sighs, running his uninjured hand over his face. He turns to Tokiya again, his voice slipping into a mumble. “I’m normally not the type ‘t make a mess ‘n leave, but I’m makin’ this one an exception.”

Tokiya doesn’t say anything. Normally, he wasn’t that type either- but he wanted nothing to do with this. Tokiya heads towards the driver’s seat, but Ranmaru stops him. Tokiya turns towards him, his expression as stern as he can make it. 

“Just what d’ya think you’re doin’?”

“You’re hurt. I’ll drive.” 

“No you won’t. You barely slept last night, ‘n you’re still more hurt than I am. I don’t even need a hospital.” Ranmaru’s nudge is gentle, when he gets Tokiya going to the other side. Tokiya huffs, but Ranmaru’s clearly not going to listen. “If yer that worried, I’ll let you bandage me up first, ‘fore I get to you.”

Tokiya huffs. “That’s just because you know I’m not nearly as bad as you are.”

“Take it or leave it, Toki. I’ve got no problems takin’ care ‘a you first.”

“That is not what will be happening.” Tokiya says sternly. “I have every intention of patching you up as soon as we get back.”

Ranmaru chuckles, turning his head just long enough to smile at Tokiya. 

It doesn’t take them long to get to Ranmaru’s home. Tokiya is still nervous- not entirely sure if it really was done or not. God, he hoped it was done. 

True to Tokiya’s word, nearly as soon as they were inside Ranmaru was led to the bathroom and sat down on the toilet seat. Earlier that afternoon Ranmaru had at least replaced two of the lights with Tokiya hovering behind him, so Tokiya had plenty of light to work with. 

Ranmaru’s first aid kit wasn’t anything amazing, but it did have a small tube of burn ointment and that was good enough. The burn covered a large part of the side and back of Ranmaru’s hand, but Ranmaru wasn’t lying when he said that it wasn’t bad enough to require a hospital visit, and Tokiya was very glad for that. The next step required getting Ranmaru out of his shirt and finding a pair of tweezers, to remove the small bits of metal that had gotten into Ranmaru’s upper arm and his back and shoulders, and even a few small pieces on his side. When Tokiya is finally done, he sets down the tweezers and leans forward, resting his head on Ranmaru’s stomach. It was a bit difficult, admittedly, doing it all with one working hand, but he had managed. Ranmaru sets a hand on the back of Tokiya’s head and he lets Tokiya just stay there for a long moment before he sighs. “Alright babe. You’ve still got a couple a spots I need ‘t take care of. Let’s switch.” Tokiya doesn’t even fully open his mouth before Ranmaru speaks again. “I’m not takin’ no for an answer. Just ‘cause it’s not too bad now doesn’t mean that it won’t get infected if we leave fuckin’ metal pieces in ya.”

Tokiya frowns, but he lets Ranmaru switch them. Ranmaru is slow, when he takes off Tokiya’s shirt, and when it’s off Ranmaru’s hand finds Tokiya’s cheek, bending down to kiss him. This kiss is slow and much softer than Ranmaru’s normal kisses, and Tokiya is confused but he goes with it. When Ranmaru pulls back, he only pulls back enough to press his forehead to Tokiya’s. 

“I’m not complaining.” Tokiya mumbles. “But what was that for?”

“I dunno if you realize this.” Ranmaru grumbles, but there’s an edge to it- worry? Fear? “But the last two days ‘ve been you scared, ‘n in danger, ‘n pain, ‘n the best we have right now is _hopin’_ it’s over. I just wish there were more I could do. I wish it was somethin’ physical that I could stop. It’s… not nice. Seein’ you like this. ‘N I know it’s not nice dealin’ with this, either.” If Tokiya closes his eyes long enough, he can picture Ranmaru’s face- pale. Sunken in. Dead. He can easily picture Ranmaru’s jaw, off-center, and the painful looking smile. He hated it. He _despised_ it. “But if it’s not done, babe, we’re gonna figure somethin’ else out. I’m not just acceptin’ that we’ve done all we can.” Ranmaru presses a shorter kiss to Tokiya’s lips before he finally pulls back. He’s as gentle as he can be, removing the shards, but Tokiya has much less than Ranmaru does, Ranmaru having taken most of the damage. 

When Ranmaru is done, he helps Tokiya stand. “Whether it’s over ‘r not, you need ‘t sleep. You look exhausted.”

Tokiya swallows hard, moving closer to Ranmaru, wrapping his arms around him. This time, it’s Ranmaru’s turn to be confused, but he doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around Tokiya. “...I… I really hope it’s over- but… would you mind if I spent some time here? At least for the next few nights?”

“Is that it? Fuck, Toki. I wasn’t plannin’ on lettin’ you leave for at least a week. Honestly-” Ranmaru’s grip tightens, just a bit. “I was gonna ask at a better time but I guess now’s good as ever, but I wanted ‘t ask you ‘t move in. ‘R if you’re really attached ‘t your apartment-” 

“If you want me to move in, Ran, I’d like to.”

“Good.” Ranmaru forces Tokiya to pull back, enough for Ranmaru to give Tokiya a short kiss. “But now. _Bed._”

Tokiya doesn’t argue with Ranmaru because, in truth, Tokiya was _exhausted_. So when Ranmaru leads Tokiya into bed, he only stops long enough to strip from his jeans and chooses to climb into bed in just his underwear. He’s not surprised when Ranmaru does the same. 

Ranmaru holds him close. “If you have a nightmare, ‘r you see somethin’, wake me up, alright?”

“I will.” Tokiya curls into Ranmaru. Normally when they slept in the bed together, it was typically spooning, with Tokiya’s back to Ranmaru’s chest. But tonight, they were facing each other, Ranmaru holding Tokiya tightly to his chest. 

Tokiya falls asleep quickly. He does manage to wake himself up in the middle of the night, panicked, but Ranmaru’s grip tightens before Tokiya can squirm out of it. 

“Toki, babe, shit, what’s wrong?” Ranmaru shifts, and even half asleep, the way he hovers over Tokiya is extremely protective. 

Tokiya breaks into sobs, and it only alarms Ranmaru further. 

“Is somethin’ there? Talk to me, Toki.”

Tokiya shakes his head. “N-No.” He hiccups. He’s stopped fighting Ranmaru. But the room is empty, the doors have both remained closed. He hadn’t even had a nightmare- he hadn’t dreamt. But all of the true fear he had pushed off through exhaustion and necessity had hit him like a ton of bricks _now_. 

“What’s goin’ on?” Ranmaru cradles Tokiya’s face, but Tokiya can’t get himself to calm down. When Tokiya makes it clear that he can’t talk, Ranmaru does start by looking around himself, but after a quick sweep of the empty room, he holds Tokiya tightly to himself, rubbing Tokiya’s back. 

It takes nearly five minutes for Tokiya to calm down enough to stop crying, and then he has to sit up to get tissues. Ranmaru hovers over him the entire time, alarmed into alertness. Ranmaru doesn’t say anything, but Tokiya knows exactly what he wants to ask. What he already has. Tokiya wipes at his face with the tissue, and his voice is hoarse from sobbing. “It just… all hit me at once. Everything that happened. Nothing happened to start it.” 

Ranmaru sighs, but he doesn’t move, still pressed to Tokiya’s side. “It’s bound to. Most people ‘r never gonna go through what you went through in their entire life.” 

Tokiya leans into Ranmaru, turning to hide his face in the crook of Ranmaru’s neck. “How is your hand?”

“Toki, is that really what you should be worried about right now?”

“I don’t know. But I am.”

Ranmaru sighs, but there is a bit of exasperated amusement. “It’s sore but it’s fine. Bet it’s not even gonna scar.”

Tokiya falls silent, and Ranmaru gives it a few long moments before he looks down and realizes that Tokiya has fallen asleep against him. Ranmaru is careful when he moves Tokiya back onto the bed, but as soon as Ranmaru settles in with him, Tokiya curls up to him, still asleep but drawn to Ranmaru despite it. Ranmaru stays awake for some time after Tokiya’s fallen asleep, to make sure he stays asleep, but when Ranmaru does let himself sleep, they sleep through the rest of the night.


	59. Chapter Fifty-Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warnings ; guns, slight injury, bullying

The three men were sat in a triangle. Ren was at the point, sitting cross legged on the chair. Ranmaru was on one side of the couch and Tokiya on the other. At first it was silent, but Ren would start the conversation. Ren started most conversations- especially the serious ones. 

Tokiya would turn the ring on his necklace nervously. All three of them knew what this was going to be about. 

“So. Marriage.” Ren’s voice is calm and smooth. “Of course we should have a private one, with all three of us. But I think we should have a public one, too. Unfortunately, we have to limit it to two of us.” Ren’s voice is a tad grim on the last sentence. “Are we in agreement?”

Tokiya would nod, and Ranmaru grunts. 

“Now… how we decide?”

It’s silent for a long moment. Of course Tokiya would love to get married to either of them. He did say yes. It was unfortunate that they couldn’t all legally get married, but it didn’t mean that they couldn’t at least have some type of private… ritual. Tokiya wasn’t sure how best to phrase that. 

But it meant that only two of the three of them could legally get married. 

Tokiya finally speaks up, and his voice is a bit quiet. “Maybe it should be you two. You have known each other longer.”

It wasn’t a ridiculous reason. 

In Tokiya’s head, he was never really a candidate. 

Ren and Ranmaru would stare at Tokiya for a long time. 

“Why don’t we start by discussing how we feel about marriage first?” Ren suggests gently. Tokiya knew that they could read him, but he didn’t think his suggestion or reasoning was crazy. 

They’re both still looking at Tokiya. Tokiya sighs, but he’d speak. “Having an official wedding is… something I always imagined that I’d do. I do enjoy some… more traditional things. But I’m happy just being with both of you, and having that would be enough for me, too.”

Ranmaru’s arm moves behind the couch. He waits a beat to make sure that Tokiya is done, and he shrugs. “‘S not the most important thing to me. Obviously I’m not against it, but I can agree with Toki on the part about bein’ happy just with the relationship.”

Ren does the same thing Ranmaru had done with Tokiya, giving some time to be sure that Ranmaru’s done speaking. He looks a bit thoughtful. “I think I would like to get married, publically. I like the thought of having an actual, open, put-together wedding.” Ren grins. "And an excuse for some PDA." Ranmaru’s eyes roll.

“So it’s decided.” Ranmaru says, still leaning back into the couch. Tokiya looks at him, but then glances back at Ren when Ren stands. Ren approaches Tokiya, offering a hand, which Tokiya slowly takes, letting Ren pull him up. Ren’s hands move to Tokiya’s biceps, pulling him closer. His voice is a murmur. 

“Tokiya Ichinose, will you marry me?”

Tokiya can actually feel his face heating up, looking at Ren with wide, doe like eyes. “Of course I will.” His voice is almost a whisper. 

Ren presses his lips to Tokiya’s softly, and Tokiya melts into the kiss. When they pull away, Tokiya glances towards Ranmaru, to make sure he’s okay, but he’s just watching the scene. He doesn’t seem upset- and Tokiya’s gotten good at telling when Ranmaru is upset or getting there. 

Tokiya’s arms wrap around Ren, resting his head on Ren’s shoulder, and Ren’s hands slide down, off of his arms and around his waist, holding Tokiya to him. 

Ren plans most of the wedding. Tokiya does his best to help, but Ren is great at finding mediums to make both Ren and Tokiya happy. It was going to be a beautiful wedding. 

Tokiya had gotten himself in charge of invitations, because he enjoyed writing them out, despite how long they took. Ranmaru would put his opinion in here and there, usually as a tie-breaker, but for the most part stayed out of it. 

STARISH is on the edge of retirement at this point- and though most of Quartet Night still do solo shows now and then, they’re officially retired. But both bands still have fans, many avid. Tokiya and Ren’s marriage was going to be public- but it wasn’t necessarily supposed to be public to everyone. 

They had been careful, but careful wasn’t enough. Somewhere in the agency there had been a leak, and soon enough Ren and Tokiya’s engagement had gotten into the tabloids. It wasn’t all bad. There were many fans that reached out to express their support of the two- but there were quite a few that reached out to express their anger at the news. 

Ranmaru insisted that neither of them take the hate too seriously. That “If they’re shittin’ on you, are they actually yer fans?” 

Ren never seemed to take it to heart, simply ignoring it when he came across it. 

Tokiya wasn’t able to do that. He had spent so much of his life with the intent to please his fans, that it was nearly impossible to act as if he wasn’t affected by the hate. 

It wasn’t just online, either. Tokiya had received letters from particularly vicious fans. He had actually gotten his hands on very few of them, but had recently come into contact with one. He would hold it in his hands, sitting hunched over on his couch. He’d open the letter and would take it out. 

There was no name, or return address. 

“A gift. 

Do me, us, and Ren a favor. 

Vertical for results.

A long time fan”

Tokiya had felt something in the letter, and would have reached into the envelope, despite having a feeling that he knew what it may be. He’d jerk his hand back, noticing the small cut on the pad of his index finger, and he’d be more careful the next time that he’d reach to take out the razorblade. 

Holding the blade, he’d reread the letter. 

Do Ren a favor, huh?

Tokiya stares at the letter. It was horrible to say, but Tokiya had received death threats and ‘kill yourself’ notes before. They weren’t common, but they weren’t quite as rare as they should be. 

This one got him more than he’d like to admit. 

And that’s how he was found, sitting on the couch holding a bare razorblade, staring numbly at the piece of paper, the envelope resting in his lap. Ren would have very slowly approached him. 

“Toki?” Ren’s voice is soft but Tokiya jumps anyways, his grip tightening on the blade and paper respectively. That would quicken Ren’s pace, and Ren carefully takes Tokiya’s hand holding the blade to uncurl his fingers, forcing his hand flat. Ren deftly snatches the blade, setting it on the table. “What’s going on?” Ren reaches for the paper as he asks, and Tokiya isn’t quick enough to keep it from him. 

Ren’s face hardens as he reads through the note, and he folds it when he’s through. His lips are pressed into a thin line. Ren sits himself next to Tokiya on the couch, and Ren wraps his arms around Tokiya, pulling him tightly to his side, and Tokiya goes, his head resting on Ren’s shoulder. “Tokiya.” Ren’s voice is much softer than his expression. “I hope that you already know this, but you would be doing no one a favor by hurting yourself. Especially not me. Especially not Ran, either.”

“I know.” Tokiya’s voice is a whisper. “It’s… hard. But I know.”

“Good.” Ren kisses the top of Tokiya’s head, his grip tightening even further, pressing Tokiya closer. “I love you, you know. More than anything.” 

Tokiya finally brings himself to wrap his own arms around Ren in return, shifting so that his forehead is pressed against the side of Ren’s neck. “I love you, too. So much, Ren.”

The next incident happens at the wedding rehearsal. They had finished most of it, and the last lingering people were all workers or in the wedding party. It was meant to be a small wedding, but that was perfect. It was in two days, in a private location, and it was beautiful. Ren had done a wonderful job. Tokiya was in the room that he would be getting ready in. That he would be waiting in. They had decided that Ren would wait at the altar, and Tokiya would walk up the aisle. Ranmaru was Tokiya’s best man- at Ranmaru’s request. Masato was Ren’s. Masato hadn’t shown it, but Tokiya knew that he was honored. Ren and Masato didn’t fight nearly as much as they used to. 

Tokiya notices the box lying on the table- and Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. He’d approach it, not quite comfortable but not quite suspicious. There’s a note that simply says his name. It almost reminded him of Ren’s handwriting, but he couldn’t imagine why Ren would leave a box in Tokiya’s dressing room.

Tokiya turns the box to the side, examining it. He’d step into the hallway and would manage to flag down a passing worker. “Do you know who left this box?”

The woman shakes her head. “It was delivered this morning, only about an hour before you arrived.”

“...Alright. Thank you.”

Tokiya reenters the room, and he’d reapproach the box. He’d lift his hand, slowly opening it. There was tape, but it was loose. Despite being careful and cautious, the mechanism in the box still starts, and Tokiya couldn’t drop the lid fast enough to stop it. He’d back up quickly, stumbling over his own feet and falling. His back hits the wall hard as the gunshot rings out in the room, and Tokiya puts his hands over his ears, curling in on himself in fear. 

The bullet had hit the wall, in the direction he turned the box. 

If he hadn’t turned it, the bullet would have landed in his stomach, instead of the plaster. 

Thank God he turned the box. 

Tokiya feels hands on his arms, his face, his body. Checking him over, before he feels himself being pulled into an embrace. He hears noises, muffled slightly by his hands, but indecipherable from the ringing in his ears. He opens his eyes, now blurry with tears, and he notices that it’s Ranmaru, holding tightly onto him. 

Ranmaru was normally so careful about not showing Tokiya affection in public- and this scares Tokiya worse. This was so close. Tokiya can’t move, his body frozen. God, it was so close. 

Tokiya sees Ren rush into the room, sees the panic on his face. Ren was normally calm. This scars Tokiya worse, though he knows that isn’t what Ren means to do. Ren wastes no time in rushing to Tokiya’s other side, falling quickly to his knees and there are more hands on Tokiya. On his stomach, his face. He sees Ren’s lips moving, but he can only stare. He’s so still, but if he were able to move he’d be shaking. 

Did someone really hate Tokiya enough to try to kill him?

Tokiya had never experienced anything like this before. Ren moves Tokiya’s hands away from his ears, holding Tokiya’s hands in his own. 

Tokiya can almost make out what Ren is saying- his name. Tokiya stares, wide eyed and afraid. 

Was this shock?

Ren leans down, and Ranmaru backs off, though with poorly concealed difficulty. Ren lifts Tokiya up, cradling him, and Tokiya lets him. He doesn’t think he could move if he tried. 

Ren brings him out of the room, and Ranmaru stays behind to give a very brief explanation to the growing crowd outside of Tokiya’s room before Tokiya notices Ranmaru approaching them again from over Ren’s shoulder. Tokiya is starting to take in the surrounding noises again, and his hand raises to grip onto Ren’s shirt. He begins crying, though the tears are silent, and he turns his head to try to hide his face in Ren’s shoulder. 

“Toki? Baby? Can you talk to me?” Ren’s voice is so careful. 

Tokiya isn’t even sure what to say. “I think so.” His voice is shaky, scared. He presses his face further into Ren’s shoulder, and he can hear Ranmaru move closer, just behind Ren. 

“Are you hurt, honey?”

Tokiya’s ankle felt sprained. He thinks he may have hurt it when he fell back. “It didn’t hit me.” 

“Jesus.” Ranmaru’s hand lifts to the back of Tokiya’s head for just a moment, his touch unusually soft. 

“We’re going to go home, my love.” Ren was really pulling out all of the pet names. This situation was incredibly serious. Tokiya tries to press himself closer to Ren. “You’re safe now. We’re going to make sure you stay safe, alright?” 

Tokiya believed him, though he didn’t speak. He didn’t react. Tokiya’s eyes were closed, but he certainly felt when they exited the building. There was still at least half a day that they should have been doing things, but Tokiya didn’t think he’d be able to keep himself together well enough right now to do anything anyways. 

Tokiya isn’t set down in the car, he’s passed. Ren lets Ranmaru climb into the backseat, and Tokiya is carefully moved from Ren’s arms to Ranmaru’s. Tokiya can’t even bring himself to feel embarrassed or childlike, because he likes the protective hold he’s in. He buries his face in Ranmaru’s neck, and Ranmaru’s hand lifts, petting through Tokiya’s hair. 

Tokiya is sat on Ranmaru’s lap, and Ranmaru just puts the seatbelt over both of them as Ren gets behind the wheel. Ranmaru’s hand drops from Tokiya’s head to wrap around him as support, the other hand running down Tokiya’s leg, stopping before Tokiya’s hurt ankle. “Shit, Toki, your ankle is swollen.” Tokiya can hear Ranmaru’s frown. “Why didn’t you tell us?”

“I wasn’t-” Tokiya has to stop. I wasn’t shot. He’s having issues getting the word out. “It didn’t feel like the right time.” Tokiya has to settle on that. 

Ranmaru sighs, “It’s fine. We’ll take care 'a it when we’re home.”

By the end of the car ride, Tokiya is finally able to breathe normally again. He’s still afraid. He thinks he’s going to be afraid for a while. That situation had gotten so close. They hadn’t spoken much in the car. Ranmaru’s hand lifts to Tokiya’s hair, stroking through it. Tokiya just stares at the empty seat in front of him, where his feet were. 

When the car stops, Ranmaru unbuckles the seatbelt. 

“I can get out myself.” Tokiya offers, though he is still leaning heavily against Ranmaru. Ren had already gotten out of the driver’s side to make his way around to Tokiya’s. 

“Ren can take care of it.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit gruff. Ren is already reaching for Tokiya. 

Normally, Tokiya might continue arguing. But he could feel the fear settled in his chest, and he could see that same fear reflecting on Ren’s face and in Ranmaru’s eyes, so he doesn’t want to fight them right now. He’ll just let them worry over him. If he lets them, he knows he’ll feel better, and he thinks that it will make them feel better, too.

Ren has an arm wrapped around Tokiya’s waist, across his back, and his other arm has moved under Tokiya’s legs, pressed between Tokiya’s legs and Ranmaru’s. Ren lifts him carefully, and Tokiya helps how he can. When Ren had him lifted, almost cradled against himself, Tokiya wraps his arms around Ren’s neck and lays his head against Ren’s shoulder. Ranmaru gets out of the car, closing the door and locking it with the button on the passenger’s side before he’d walk in front of Ren and Tokiya to go unlock the door. Ren walks inside when Ranmaru holds it open for them, and Ren heads for the bedroom as soon as he’s in. 

“It’s your ankle, right, honey?”

Tokiya nods. Ren can’t quite see it, but Tokiya knows he can feel it, with the way his head brushes along Ren’s shoulder. 

“Ran?” Ren calls out, glancing over his shoulder. Ranmaru hadn’t been far behind, so he’d make a noise. “Would you grab some ice?”

“‘Course.” Ranmaru breaks off to head to the kitchen as Ren lays Tokiya down on the bed. He’d move to the lower end of the bed to carefully take off Tokiya’s shoes, and he’d set them down by the bedroom door. He’d take two seconds to take off his own shoes before he’s back to Tokiya. 

Ren takes maybe two seconds to realize which ankle Tokiya had hurt, and Tokiya knows when he does because he’d see Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “You got it pretty bad.” Ren gently rolls up one of Tokiya’s pants legs. 

“I think I may have overreacted a bit.” Tokiya must have sprained his ankle when he fell over. Sure, it had scared him, but it hadn’t hit him. There hadn’t been a bullet going in his direction. 

Ren’s hand moves further up Tokiya’s leg, squeezing his thigh, right above his knee. “You didn’t. You could’ve been shot, baby.” Ren’s voice sounds tight, and with his last sentence, he’d actually go to crouch by the part of the bed where Tokiya’s head was. He’d wrap his arm across Tokiya’s chest, setting his head against Tokiya’s shoulder. His other hand is by Tokiya’s head, his fingers running lightly through his hair. “You didn’t do anything wrong, and you haven’t reacted wrong at all, either. This situation was terrifying, and I can’t imagine how scared you must have been, or still are. Please don’t worry about handling this wrong, Toki.” 

Tokiya can feel his eyes burn a bit. His hand reaches up so that he can set it on Ren’s head, and he just stays there for a moment. They stay like that until Ranmaru comes in, and Ranmaru watches them carefully for a second, trying to see if anything had happened. Anything that he’d need to step in on. But he’d move to Tokiya’s leg, and he’d remove the sock below Tokiya’s hurt ankle, and he’d set the ice, wrapped in a hand towel, on the bed, walking around to the other side. He’d grab an extra pillow and go back to Tokiya’s leg, carefully holding onto the underside of Tokiya’s calf to raise his leg. He’d put the pillow underneath it and lower Tokiya’s leg, carefully setting the ice on top of it. It would make Tokiya wince, but he’s otherwise unresponsive. 

“I’m going to step into the hallway to make an important call.” Ren mumbles, kissing Tokiya’s temple. “And then I’m going to be right back.” He promises, raising himself to stand. Tokiya doesn’t get the chance to say anything before Ranmaru climbs onto the bed, shifting himself into the middle. Tokiya feels almost like a child, when he reaches out to Ranmaru, but Ranmaru goes easily, nearly wrapping himself around Tokiya in a very clearly protective stance. 

“To think-” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “That there are people out there that hate me enough to want to kill me- for getting _married_.”

“It’s not right.” Ranmaru says grimly. “‘N it’s fucked up ‘n horrible.”

Ranmaru wasn’t done speaking, but Tokiya speaks up before he can continue. His voice has sounded far too numb up until this point, where the fear truly starts to creep in. “What if they go for Ren? Or try to do something at the actual wedding? I-”

“Hey.” Ranmaru interrupts him, his thumb running over Tokiya’s stomach where his hand rests, a heavy, soothing reminder. “I’d bet that if Ren’s not on the phone with the _police_, he’s gettin’ more security, alright? No one’s gonna get hurt.”

Tokiya raises the hand furthest from Ranmaru, to drag it down his face. His head hurt, and his entire body felt heavy. When Tokiya doesn’t speak, Ranmaru doesn’t either. Tokiya doesn’t close his eyes yet. 

He wants to wait for Ren, but that isn’t all that there is to it, either. Because he’s unsure if he will fall asleep, or if it will elude him- and if he manages to fall asleep, he’s worried it’s going to be restless. So instead, Tokiya focuses on the pain in his ankle and his heart, still beating too fast, because if he focuses on Ranmaru, and the warmth and comfort of his body pressed to Tokiya’s, Tokiya might get sleepy. 

Ren eventually does come back in. He’s managed to pull his expression into something softer again, but Tokiya can see through his expression because the worry and fear is still there. Tokiya can’t even imagine how they must have felt, too, hearing the gunshot from Tokiya’s room and entering to see him on the ground. Ren doesn’t actually get into the bed, choosing to kneel by Tokiya’s head once again. Ren’s hand lands over Ranmaru’s on top of Tokiya’s stomach and his free hand finds Tokiya’s, holding onto his hand tightly, bringing it up to press his lips to Tokiya’s knuckles. 

“Everything’s going to be alright, Toki.” Ren says softly. “No one is going to get _anything_ into our wedding. No unexpected guests, or gifts, or anything of the sort.” Ren gives Tokiya a slight smile, “You’re going to walk down the aisle in two days, completely safe, and we’re going to read our vows and promise our lives to each other in front of people that want to see it, and you’re going to be mine. And then you, me and Ran are going to go spend a week on the beach, away from everyone, and we’re just going to spend the entire week in bed.” Ranmaru snorts, though Tokiya’s eyes soften and Ren’s smile grows, seeing Tokiya’s soft, growing blush and increased focus on Ren. “Just a week where no one else is going to need to matter to us. And then, when we’re back, we’re going to plan ourselves a little, personal wedding, and then you, me and Ran are going to be married, and it’s going to be wonderful and we’re going to be safe and together and we’re going to live the rest of our lives together and you’re never going to ever be leaving us.” Ren squeezes Ranmaru’s hand, and he ducks his head, to nuzzle his nose to the corner of Tokiya’s jaw. “You’re never going to get rid of us, baby.” Ren’s voice is teasing, though Tokiya’s head turns, to press his cheek to the top of Ren’s head. “You’re stuck with us. Now and forever.”


	60. Chapter Sixty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING ; stalker, harassment, and lots of things in sexual nature! its nsfw (but no detailed sex)

“Dating” was a term that Tokiya used tentatively when he described his relationship with Ranmaru- but that was technically the word for it. They had only been on four or five dates, but in each of their own uniquely ‘awkward’ ways, they had decided to take a step forward. 

They weren’t living with each other, and Tokiya had yet to spend the night at Ranmaru’s place, or vice-versa, they had been to the other’s homes, and had spent time together outside of date nights. 

Ranmaru was an idol- a rockstar through and through, but currently stuck in something that Tokiya would consider a boy band. They had discussed it at length before- and when Ranmaru spoke of his previous rock bands, he sounded far more fond than he did of his current job. Ranmaru made it clear that he had no intentions of staying as a long term idol, because it wasn’t his thing. 

Desperate times called for desperate measures. 

Tokiya understood. He was an emancipated minor, leaving home at sixteen with nothing but a part-time job at a record store and a friend who had mostly missing parents and an empty basement. Tokiya hadn’t moved up much further than that in life- trading the part-time job for a management position at the same store, and replacing the basement with a shabby studio apartment of his own.

Their first meeting had been when Ranmaru stopped inside of the store to look around, and he and Tokiya discussed music for a short time. Ranmaru stopped by when he had a spare moment, and Tokiya didn’t have much of a life outside of his store. It was fairly small, and the only person above him was the actual owner, who wasn’t a music fan. He opened the store for his wife, who had passed several years ago, and the owner only ever really stopped by to make sure that no one had run it into the ground. Tokiya was the only manager. There were two supervisors, and another employee, but the shop was primarily run by Tokiya. 

He was there ten hours a day, six days a week. Money wasn’t much of an issue for the owner- not that Tokiya was paid extraordinarily well by any means, but he got along. 

Tokiya’s hours slowly started becoming just a bit more reasonable- because working sixty hours a week kept him on the edge of exhaustion at all times, and he’d hate to fall asleep on a date with Ranmaru. 

When it _wasn’t_ planned, he supposed. Their third date had been dinner and a nap at Ranmaru’s home- a first for Tokiya. He still remembers it fondly.

And tonight, on their fifth date, they were in the corner of a bar. 

Ranmaru hated crowds as much as Tokiya did- but this place was just a tad bit calmer, and when they were in a tucked away booth, it wasn’t miserable. But Tokiya had wanted a drink, and Ranmaru had known a place. 

It wasn’t _quiet_, but it wasn’t loud enough to drown out their discussion, either. 

Tokiya got tired, talking about his job- but Ranmaru was interested in it. In the same respect, Ranmaru couldn’t care less about talking about his own job, but Tokiya was intrigued by the stories. In times like these, they entertained each other by exchanging story for story and then bringing something else up, to change the topic for a few moments. 

Tokiya’s story was about a man who had tried to steal _records_. Tokiya had explained how he had already called the security on the lot as he watched the man try to discreetly smuggle large, square record boxes underneath his shirt. Tokiya can easily recall the absurdity of the situation. Especially when the man had _promised_ he was just a normal customer. Certainly not a thief!

Ranmaru’s story was about a girl who had worked her way backstage, to try to become a band groupie. When Tokiya had asked him if those were really things- Ranmaru had told him that in boy bands… no. But that even if it _were_, she should have chosen a group that could _stand_ each other. Camus had assured the woman that the only thing he had wanted to see less than her naked was Ranmaru. Ranmaru had mentioned the comment he had made- about how Camus could be honest with them and just say that he didn’t want to feel bad about himself. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure what he thought of Camus- or of Reiji, one of the other members of Ranmaru’s group. Reiji sounded annoying, the way Ranmaru described him, and Camus sounded _insufferable_\- and the third man, Ai, was rarely brought up. Tokiya couldn’t say for sure that he trusted Ranmaru’s opinions on the men. After all, Ranmaru had been open with Tokiya about how annoyed he had been about the band getting together at all, because he hadn’t been involved in the decision process. Tokiya wonders sometimes if they’d manage to get along had they met another way. 

Tokiya is the first to change the topics when he rubs the back of his neck- his fingers pulling through the hair towards the back of his neck, and Ranmaru sighs. 

“Smoke break?” 

Tokiya’s smile is sheepish. “I’ve been cutting down, I promise.”

“Yeah? ‘N how many breaks ‘ve you had today?”

“This will only be my second.”

“Outta?”

“I can’t read the future.” Tokiya huffs. “I guess it depends on how much I drink.” 

Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises, and Tokiya lets his hand drop, his elbow meeting the table as he leans in, giving a charming smile to Ranmaru. Perhaps a bit… deceptive- but Tokiya has learned that it isn’t hard to soften Ranmaru up. “I love our dates, Ran. I won’t be drinking too much _or_ taking too many breaks. I think that would really ruin the mood- and I certainly wouldn’t want to do _that_.”

“If you agree ‘t tale a piece ‘a gum, I’ll drop it.” Ranmaru’s nose wrinkles, and Tokiya resists the urge to roll his eyes. Ranmaru’s disgusted expression was actually pretty cute. “Smoke breath is fuckin’ gross ‘n I _will not_ kiss you if you smell like cigarettes.” 

“I can accept those terms.” As Tokiya speaks, he’s sliding out of the booth. 

Tokiya had picked up his smoking habit at the age of seventeen- bumming cigarettes from his older friend, and loose ones from his coworkers. At first- it was for stress and social smoking. Breaks were easier to take when he went out with the others to smoke. He had smoked no more than one a day, and sometimes not even that. But as his responsibility grew and his stress became far more prominent, his smoking habit increased. 

When he met Ranmaru, he had gotten to nearly a pack a day. 

Ranmaru couldn’t stand the habit. 

It was mostly for Ranmaru that Tokiya tried to cut down- and luckily he wasn’t… entirely hooked. 

On his days off, he could go the entire day without a craving. Considering he were around Ranmaru. 

It was stress that led him to smoking heavily. If he were by himself, he’d usually fall prey to it at least once or twice, catching himself in the anxiety of what he hadn’t done or what he’ll need to do. And today was a stressful day at work. Only taking one smoke break was certainly a test of his willpower and self-discipline. But it had left him with a heavy craving for the rest of the day.

As Tokiya is going to the outside smoking section, empty aside from himself at the moment, he promises himself that this is the only smoke break of the night. He really does hate taking time away from his date. 

Tokiya is pretty good, he thinks, at listening to Ranmaru. He thinks that it’s because it’s nice to have someone that wants you to stop. Because Ranmaru may continuously grumble about how Tokiya smells after he smokes, or that it’s gross- to kiss him after a cigarette… but Tokiya knows he’s concerned. 

Tokiya had a cold, not long ago. He had a heavy cough for at least a week. Ranmaru was sympathetic enough about the situation- but he had really put his foot down on _any_ smoking Tokiya had tried to do. Tokiya had gotten text reminders- to not smoke until the cough was entirely gone. 

Tokiya knew it had come from a place of concern. Ranmaru could grumble all he wanted about the smell, or the bad habit, but Tokiya knew him just well enough to know. 

Tokiya takes a cigarette from the nearly empty pack, making an idle comment in his head about stopping to get some more soon, and he lights it, leaning against the wall. It was a bit cold outside- he hadn’t thought to take his jacket outside with him, because it had been warm earlier that day. He was regretting it now. 

If Tokiya were that desperate, Ranmaru was wearing a heavy denim jacket that Tokiya was sure he could convince Ranmaru out of. 

Tokiya takes the phone out of his pocket, to scroll through his social media feed, not paying much attention to it. He wasn’t very popular on any of these feeds. He never put himself out there - beyond trying to encourage people to shop at his store, and even that was done on the store’s page that he had made for promotion.

Tokiya doesn’t even look up when he hears footsteps. He’s about a third of the way done with his smoke, and there’s plenty of room around him to stand by without anyone bothering Tokiya. 

Tokiya does, however, look up when he notices the stranger stand just at his elbow. Tokiya’s expression turns annoyed, his dime-drop reaction, but the man is openly looking at him. Tokiya takes a step away from him, saying nothing but going to put out his cigarette in the proper bin. He doesn’t bend much, to put it out, but it’s enough for the man to work his way behind Tokiya, his fingers pressing into Tokiya’s hips with a pressure firm enough to be uncomfortable. 

“What the hell are you doing?” Tokiya tries to move away- to brush off the man’s hands with the one that isn’t holding his phone, but it doesn’t work. “Let go of me!” He snaps. 

Tokiya wasn’t a small man. His usual stance was very standoffish, and he made it rather clear that he wasn’t a people person. There were few things he hated as much as he hated strangers _touching_ him- and his anger only rose as his panic did. He tries to move away, but the man pulls Tokiya closer by his hips, pressing Tokiya against him. One hand leaves his waist to catch Tokiya’s hand that’s not holding his phone as Tokiya reaches back to try to push his attacker off. 

“Oh, don’t act like that.” The man purrs. “I’ve been waiting so long to get my hands on you, pretty thing.” The man’s hand on his waist shamelessly moves down, pressing into Tokiya’s pelvis, just below his stomach. 

“I’m taken.” Tokiya snaps. “And this is inappropriate- it’s _assault_! Get your hands off of me!”

“Now, now- don’t get me all worked up!” The man laughs. “If you don’t want a surprise visit to your home, I think you should get a little calmer, hmm?”

“I’ll call the police.” Tokiya threatens. 

“I’m not alone.” The man shoots back. “In fact- if I don’t meet with a few other of the guys that have all got a little bit of an eye on you, they’ll just stop by your home. The one with the pretty little purple door, right? Four-oh-four.”

“H-how do you-?” Tokiya’s voice sticks in his throat as he tries to speak, and his struggling stills as the fear takes over the adrenaline. 

“I know so much about you, Tokiya.” The man sighs, almost a happy sound. It makes Tokiya feel sick. “I know you ate a salad last night and then fell asleep on the couch without plugging in your phone. I know that you look at pictures of that man that you’re with right now when you’re getting yourself off at night. I know about that pretty little music note- right about… here.” The man presses his index finger into the indent that his hip makes- and Tokiya grits his teeth to keep the tears burning his eyes from releasing. 

Tokiya had gotten the small tattoo only a month after he had turned eighteen. It was just a small, dark purple music note- low enough that if he were to try to show it, he’d risk exposing himself. Tokiya had been considered fairly… boring. For most of his life, he was just _boring_. He wanted to do something exciting- and this was perfect. No one would know but him and a very select someone. 

Tokiya should have been the only one that had known about it. 

The tears in his eyes are tears of shame, and humiliation, more than anything else. 

“What do you want?” Tokiya’s voice breaks. 

“What I want?” The man’s voice is back to that purr. It’s entirely sexual in nature, yes, but it’s disgusting. It’s got an edge to it that makes Tokiya want to hit him. “I want to see you railed.” The man laughs, and Tokiya makes an indignant sputter. “I want to see you claimed. And I~” The man rocks forward, his hips rubbing against Tokiya’s ass. Tokiya doesn’t focus on the feeling, or the sensation. He’s sure that this sick stalker is hard. He doesn’t need to confirm it. “Want to be the one to do it. But maybe I can make an exception if you do a little favor for me.” Tokiya doesn’t even humor him with a response. He stays quiet until the man chooses to speak. “There’s a stall in the men’s bathroom- the one in the very back. I want you to go there and get some- and if you do… I’ll leave you alone.”

“_Why?_” Tokiya can’t hide the disgust in his voice. “What do you get from this?”

“I get to watch. I get to watch a pretty boy like you finally become a pretty little man.” His voice is teasing. Cruel. “And I would bet that your partner is significantly more experienced than you are. So hurry up.” The man laughs again, and he releases Tokiya. 

Tokiya should turn around. He should look at the man’s face- so he can make a report. 

He can’t. He’s frozen. 

Tokiya was a paranoid person. He had felt like he’s been followed before- but he was just _Tokiya_. No one knew that he and Ranmaru were dating, so he shouldn’t get fan attention. He worked at a small record shop, doing nothing more than making music recommendations and solving customer issues. Why on Earth would anyone want to trail _him_? So of course he had brushed off any uneasy feelings as nothing but unnecessary paranoia. 

Ranmaru probably wasn’t a virgin. 

It wasn’t anything that they had discussed. 

Tokiya wasn’t a stickler for tradition. He didn’t need to wait until he was married to have sex with Ranmaru- but he was expecting it to… come a bit more naturally. He wanted it to be special. He really did assume that Ranmaru would be his first- but not… quite like this. 

Tokiya grits his teeth, and he takes a breath. 

How in the hell was he going to propose this?

Tokiya had been gone for a while. He had been gone long enough that Ranmaru had gone searching for him- and Tokiya wasn’t hard to find. He was alone in the smoking area, bent over a trash can. 

“Toki?” Ranmaru’s voice is questioning, and his hand lands on Tokiya’s shoulder, to turn him. Tokiya’s expression hasn’t quite settled itself, but he glances around, checking that he and Ranmaru are alone. There aren’t any cameras here, in this makeshift smoking area. 

“Ran.” Tokiya was in theatre- for a year in high school before he left. He smooths his face into something more pleasant, trying to disguise his fear for nerves. 

He _would_ tell Ranmaru what happened. But after. He wasn’t hurting Ranmaru- and he didn’t want anyone showing up to his house. 

This situation didn’t happen to people like Tokiya. Normal people. He had never been trained for this. 

What else could he do, but go along with it?

Tokiya moves closer to Ranmaru, to press a kiss to the corner of his jaw. Ranmaru’s hands are slow, in making their way to Tokiya’s waist. 

Tokiya tries to ignore his hesitance. 

Tokiya tries to think the way he thinks at night. He focuses on Ranmaru’s hands on his waist- Ranmaru had joked before, about how his hands were larger than most. Tokiya hadn’t even really noticed, until Ranmaru pointed it out. Ranmaru’s hands were something that Tokiya fantasized about. How it must feel, to have Ranmaru teasing him- to have Ranmaru open him up, or to slam into Tokiya’s prostate until he was crying out Ranmaru’s name- to have Ranmaru replace his fingers with… 

Tokiya’s voice comes out far more lustful, when he whispers in Ranmaru’s ear. “I was just about to come looking for you. I was wondering if you’d come to the bathroom with me.”

Tokiya is shocked at how smoothly that came out. 

It was far better than he had even dared to hope. 

“...What?” Ranmaru’s taken off guard. Tokiya can’t blame him. 

Ranmaru hears the footsteps behind himself before Tokiya, and while the two girls that had entered the smoking section have the decency to pretend like they don’t notice Ranmaru and Tokiya, it ruins their place to talk about this. 

Ranmaru gets quiet for a few long seconds, and his voice is unreadable when he speaks. “Let’s go.”

It’s less than a moment later when Tokiya is pressed against the wall of one of the smaller bathroom stalls. Tokiya’s cheek is against the divider, and he’s held there by Ranmaru’s body behind him. Ranmaru’s hands are holding onto Tokiya’s hips, and Tokiya’s finding it difficult to be turned on. 

He’s just reminded of the way the man was holding him. He’s reminded of the shame he should be feeling- God, what would Ranmaru think, if he knew that Tokiya was jacking off to his pictures? If he heard Tokiya, shamelessly moaning his name in what he had thought was the privacy of his own home?

Ranmaru’s hand moves to the front of Tokiya’s pants, and he squeezes. Ranmaru’s mouth is close to Tokiya’s ear- and Tokiya can feel his breath brush against his neck. “You’re not even hard.” Tokiya can almost hear the scowl. “Where the fuck did _this_ come from?”

“Maybe I’m more of a sexual person than you thought.” Tokiya mumbles. “It’s just… a bit of stage fright.”

Ranmaru’s grunt is clearly disbelieving. His hand removes itself from the front of Tokiya’s pants, but he moves his hand over Tokiya’s hip, cupping Tokiya’s ass, and Tokiya can’t help both the blush that floods his face and creeps down his neck, and the way his body tenses. 

This is the second time Tokiya’s been touched like this, and the first time had been ten minutes ago. 

Ranmaru scoffs. “You’ve never slept with anyone before, have you?” 

Tokiya’s jaw tightens. He’s still pressed against the wall of the toilet stall- there’s nowhere for him to go. “Just because I’m inexperienced-” 

“Stop.” Ranmaru cuts Tokiya off, exasperated. “I don’t give a shit that you’re a virgin- but I’m not gonna take your first time by fucking you in a public bathroom, Toki.”

“What’s the difference?” Tokiya doesn’t mean to sound frustrated, but he does. 

“It’s not just findin’ a fuckin’ condom, Toki. Havin’ sex ain’t the same as playin’ with yourself, assumin’ you even do that.” Ranmaru can’t possibly know how that strikes Tokiya, but he’s cut off by Tokiya’s almost panicked expression. Ranmaru pulls back, to turn Tokiya, to pin him back against the wall in a new position. Tokiya’s face to face with Ranmaru now. “Quickie’s aren’t somethin’ you do for a first time, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is almost scolding. “I can’t tell you what you should or shouldn’t care about as far as _feelings_ are involved, because that’s not important ‘t everyone- but we’re unequipped ‘n on a time restriction, ‘n you’d fuckin’ hurt yourself if we tried-” Ranmaru narrows his eyes, but they widen, for just a second, when he hears a noise. 

The noise is hard to describe- a quiet type of shuffling, Tokiya supposes, but it’s too close. 

Tokiya is the first to notice the phone camera, being held against the gap in the door. Ranmaru notices it only a second after Tokiya does. Ranmaru pulls away from Tokiya, his hand pressing into Tokiya’s chest to get him to step further back into the stall, away from the door. 

Ranmaru looks _livid_.

Tokiya had seen Ranmaru angry before. He had seen him annoyed, and irritated, but he’s never seen Ranmaru’s rage like this. 

Ranmaru unlocks the door and slams it open, knocking the phone out of the man’s hand and slamming the edge of the door into the man’s nose. Tokiya can hear cursing, but the voice is much lower than the man that had accosted him earlier. He drops the phone, and he flees the bathroom. 

Tokiya has pressed himself further against the wall, in between the divider and the toilet. 

Ranmaru grabs the phone off of the ground, but his anger has hardly dissipated at all. “Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. Tokiya can see how tense Ranmaru’s jaw is. “This isn’t why you were actin’ weird, is it? You didn’t _plan_ this, did you?”

“No!” Tokiya’s eyes widen and he takes a step forward, almost stumbling over the toilet. “No, no, I didn’t. I would never!” Tokiya pulls back, just before he reaches Ranmaru, and he looks down. “I… I understand. Why you’d think I’d do this- or why you might not believe that I didn’t. And I understand if you’re angry at me-” Tokiya’s voice trembles. He had just wanted to end this. If he had known they’d try to record it, he’d never have asked Ranmaru. 

Ranmaru’s anger turns silent, as he turns his attention to the phone. The screen has cracked, but the camera is still recording. Ranmaru turns it off, and then goes to the gallery, to delete the video- but something stops him. “Tokiya, what the fuck are these?”

“W-what?” Tokiya’s voice sticks in his throat, and it’s hard to walk closer- to see what Ranmaru is seeing. “Oh God.” Tokiya’s voice is horrified, his hand moving over his mouth. 

They were videos, clearly taken through a window, of _him_. 

Most of them were of him naked- one or two clearly placed in the bathroom and some seemingly taken from him on his bed. 

Tapes of Tokiya pleasuring himself, he was sure. Tokiya presses his hand further over his mouth, afraid that he’s going to cry but too numb to react with anything but silent horror. 

“I’ve got a lot of fucking questions.” Ranmaru’s voice is quiet. If Tokiya were less upset, he’d realize that this was a good sign. If Ranmaru decided that Tokiya had set this up- he’d have deleted the video and he’d be gone. He wouldn’t be discussing this with Tokiya. 

Ranmaru begins to start to delete the lot of the videos- but he finds that there’s a lot more than just those ones. There are videos with thumbnails that have a _clothed_ Tokiya, and Tokiya hates those just as much. 

But between the types of videos, the way they seem to be recorded, and Tokiya’s reaction- Ranmaru’s belief that Tokiya isn’t directly responsible for this seems to grow. Ranmaru deletes all of the videos, and it’s a disturbingly large amount of them. Despite deleting the videos, Ranmaru hard resets the phone- which Tokiya might have considered a bit harsh under different circumstances, but he couldn’t care in this case. 

Ranmaru drops the phone back on the bathroom floor and it lands with another ‘crack’. Ranmaru doesn’t even react to it- he just reaches for Tokiya’s arm and pulls Tokiya out of the bathroom. By the time that Ranmaru’s led him outside of the bar, he’s still being held onto. “We’re gonna go somewhere ‘n talk about this.” Ranmaru’s voice is serious. 

“I’m going to be spending the night in a hotel room.” Tokiya can’t quite keep the miserable tone from his quiet voice. He didn’t have the money for this- but he felt unsafe returning to his apartment. “I could figure that out and we could talk there.”

“What?” 

“I… I don’t feel safe going back to my own home. I was going to figure out somewhere else to sleep tonight.”

“Well, yeah.” Ranmaru still sounds irritated, at best. Angry at worst. “Obviously you’re not going back ‘t your apartment. There’s no fuckin’ way I’d let you go back right now. You’ll stay with me. Unless you _wanna_ throw money down the drain for nothin’.”

“A-are you sure?” Tokiya’s surprised. Earlier that night, he doesn’t think he would have been- but the last thirty minutes had been such a shit show that he didn’t think he’d ever be invited back for a visit- let alone expect to be allowed to stay with Ranmaru.

Tokiya’s question seems to irritate Ranmaru further, and he clicks his tongue, annoyed. “Well, yeah. ‘Sides. I dunno how long this has been goin’ on, ‘n I dunno _what’s_ fuckin’ going on, but this isn’t gonna resolve itself in a _night_. You can’t just live in a hotel room. ‘N you were about to let me fuck you in a public bathroom, so I don’t wanna hear that we’re not close enough for you ‘t stay over, Tokiya.”

Tokiya falls silent- because Ranmaru had brought up a good point. He doesn’t respond at first, but when Ranmaru watches him, waiting, Tokiya nods. 

Ranmaru calls a car from his phone, but his hand has yet to leave Tokiya’s arm. Tokiya stays quiet.

There’s an insufferable amount of guilt- most of it from the situation in the bathroom. The full situation finally hits Tokiya. 

He doesn’t break down into sobs, but he can’t help the few tears that do fall down his cheeks. He lifts the arm that Ranmaru isn’t holding to wipe at his cheeks with his wrist, catching Ranmaru’s attention. “I’m sorry.”

Ranmaru sighs, but Tokiya can almost hear him releasing some of the anger he’s been holding onto with the sound. He lifts his hand from Tokiya’s arm to brush his knuckles against Tokiya’s cheek, catching one of Tokiya’s fresher tears. “I have no idea what you’ve gotten yourself into.” Ranmaru mutters, frowning. “But ‘s long as you talk to me, I’ll help you through it.”

Tokiya’s hand lifts, holding onto Ranmaru’s wrist, and Ranmaru pulls his hand back. When Tokiya’s grip releases, to let him pull away, Ranmaru grabs Tokiya’s hand instead. Tokiya finds this hold much more comfortable. 

The car takes a moment to arrive, but Ranmaru tenses with any noise or shifting shadow. Tokiya was technically taller than Ranmaru, but he felt much smaller next to Ranmaru right now, with the aggressive way he was holding himself. Ranmaru makes Tokiya get into the car first, and just nudges him until he slides over. 

The ride is fairly silent, besides from a few small talk comments from the driver that Tokiya answers halfheartedly and Ranmaru completely ignores. It only takes them ten minutes to get to Ranmaru’s house, and Ranmaru pulls Tokiya out after him. 

Ranmaru lets go of Tokiya’s hand only when they’re inside of the house. Tokiya copies Ranmaru, sliding his shoes off at the door, and then Ranmaru turns around to lock and bolt the door. He goes around his own apartment, closing the blinds on all of the windows, and locking the sliding door out to the patio, pulling the blinds on that, too. When he’s contented with the privacy of his apartment, he looks at Tokiya, who has almost hesitantly made his way closer to the couch, but Ranmaru tips his chin towards the bedroom, “Let’s go in here.”

Tokiya nods, crossing the room, though Ranmaru doesn’t move until Tokiya is in front of him. They settle themselves on Ranmaru’s bed. Tokiya is leaning against the wall towards the head of the bed, and Ranmaru sits himself directly in front of Tokiya. They’re both sitting with their legs crossed, and Ranmaru is close enough that their knees are pressed together. It doesn’t give Tokiya any way to hide his face. 

“Talk to me, Toki. What the hell is going on?”

“I barely know myself.” Tokiya admits quietly. “A man approached me in the smoking section, and he described my house and… things that he had seen me do in it. He pressed himself against me, and started talking about…” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, going through the words in his head. It’s hard to say them aloud. “About how he’d like to fuck me but could settle with watching someone else do it.” Tokiya closes his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know I handled it wrong, but I really didn’t think that anyone would try to record it. I was scared- I was scared and he had said that there were more people, and he knows where I live and I was terrified of what might happen if I didn’t go along with it.” Tokiya presses the heels of his hands to his eyes, hard enough to ache. “Of course that wasn’t how I’d like to sleep with you for the first time- my own experience notwithstanding. But I thought that if I listened to him that it might be _over_, and I’d much rather sleep with you than to even consider… other possibilities that could have happened if I didn’t- I would have called the police but I didn’t see his face, and he told me that there were more... “ 

Ranmaru sighs, his hand moving to hold onto the outside of Tokiya’s thigh, his thumb rubbing into the fabric of Tokiya’s jeans. “I wish you would’a just told me.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “You ever notice anything weird before this?”

Tokiya shakes his head. “I haven’t. Though…” An ashamed look crosses his face. “Clearly, from the videos, they’ve been doing this for a while.”

Ranmaru’s face darkens. Tokiya can tell that the rage from earlier hasn’t settled much- but he’s staying calm for Tokiya’s sake. “We’ll go to the cops tomorrow.” Ranmaru mumbles. “‘N you’ve got no idea why these people might be doing this?”

“I don’t.” Tokiya crosses his arms, closing himself off. “I have no idea what they see in me. They didn’t seem interested in you- and it isn’t as if I’ve done _anything_ to gather any attention…”

“We’ll get this figured out.” Ranmaru promises. “‘Til then you can stay with me, ‘n we’ll just have to take some precautions.”

“Precautions?” 

“You shouldn’t be alone.” Ranmaru says flatly. “Think that’s the most important one.”

“That… might be a problem.” Tokiya admits quietly. “You’re the only person that I speak to, outside of work.”

Otoya, the friend he had moved in with when he was younger, had already moved. They still kept up some form of communication, but they hadn’t seen each other in over a year. They lived a few hours apart, and Tokiya took buses. 

Ranmaru sighs. “We’ll work around it. I know I’ve gotten on ya before about your long shifts, but maybe you should take a couple more of ‘em, just ‘til we get this figured out. I can try ‘t arrange my days off to align with yours, too. ‘N any time you’ve gotta be alone, ‘s long as you’re careful ‘n you’re not alone long it should be okay.”

“...You don’t have to change your life for me, Ran.” Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow. “This… entire situation is our _fifth_ date. We’ve barely even started going steady, and-” Ranmaru covers Tokiya’s mouth with a hand, and his look is almost stern. 

“Before you keep goin’ on.” Ranmaru grumbles. “You tell me- ‘cause the way you’re talkin’ it sounds like you don’t take us all that seriously. ‘S that true?” 

Ranmaru drops his hand, and Tokiya has a doe-eyed, panicked look. “No, I-” 

Ranmaru interrupts him again. “Then why’re you assumin’ that _I_ don’t take it seriously? Tokiya, if you hadn’t been actin’ so weird- I would’a gone through with it. Hell, give it a few months, ‘n _I_ might even suggest doin’ shit like that. For fun, obviously. Not ‘t try to appease a stalker.”

Tokiya’s eyes search Ranmaru’s face, but his voice softens. “So you would sleep with me.”

“Yeah.” Ranmaru’s gaze is steady. “I would. But like I told ya. For your own sake ‘n comfort, it’s not gonna be some quickie you’re tryin’ to force yourself ‘t do in a bathroom stall. ‘N I can fuckin’ read it on your face already - I don’t think you handled it right, but ‘m not offended that you tried. ‘M never gonna sleep with you if it’s obvious that you’re not doing it because _you_ want to- but trust me. If you come at me with an honest proposition, I’d be more than happy ‘t sleep with you, Toki.”

Tokiya stays quiet, watching Ranmaru’s face closely, but Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises as Tokiya’s blush progressively gets heavier. He glances away, trying to word his request. “Ran?” Tokiya’s voice is quiet, and he shifts, his knees knocking against Ranmaru’s. “This is going to seem… strange. But can I show you something?”

Ranmaru’s eyebrow doesn’t lower. “Yeah.” His voice is a bit careful. “What is it?”

Tokiya can feel the tips of his ears burn. But he shifts, sitting up a bit more so that he can straighten one of his legs. “This is going to seem very weird, but trust me.” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow, almost a bit skeptical, when Tokiya unbuttons his jeans, but he doesn’t say anything. Tokiya is careful when he lowers his boxers, to show Ranmaru only what he’s trying to show him. The purple music note tattoo. 

“How old’s that?” Ranmaru leans forward a bit, the skepticism replaced with curiosity. 

“A few years. It was a quiet rebellion.” Ranmaru’s hand moves to Tokiya’s hip, and his thumb brushes against the skin above the tattoo. 

“I like it. Think it suits you.” 

“I-” Tokiya sighs. “This might sound a little dumb, perhaps, but one of the nice things about it was that it was… meant to be a secret. I expected that there would be very few people that would ever know that I have it, and I… I had wanted you to be the first to know.” Tokiya closes his eyes. “The man brought up the tattoo, when he cornered me earlier.” Ranmaru’s finger brush just a bit lower, tracing the tattoo. “Showing you won’t change that- but at least with you knowing about it I have someone that I _want_ to know about it.”

Ranmaru stays silent for a long moment, his fingers running along Tokiya’s skin. It’s an enjoyable warmth, and Tokiya finds his flush fading away, surprisingly comfortable under Ranmaru’s gaze. “Dunno if it’s much consolation- but he’s definitely not seein’ it again, Toki.”

“Coming from you- that is comforting.” Tokiya assures. He manages a small, but genuine smile. He then gives an almost dramatic sigh. “You know- I didn’t even get my full smoke. He stood too close to me from the get-go and I had tried to leave before I was even halfway done.”

Ranmaru’s fingers don’t still, though they’ve moved up to Tokiya’s hip at this point, no longer near the tattoo, but he focuses on Tokiya’s face with a raised eyebrow. He then rolls his eyes and pulls back his hand. “We can go to the patio. But just because tonight’s already been kind of a shit show.”

“I’ll take it.” Tokiya leans forward to press a kiss to Ranmaru’s cheek, but Ranmaru catches Tokiya by the chin before he can fully pull back and brings him back in for another kiss, and Tokiya goes easily. Tokiya is out of breath by the time that Ranmaru finally pulls back. “You’re making it hard to want to leave.”

“We _could_ just stay in ‘ere then.”

“Was this your plan?” Tokiya’s voice is half teasing, and that’s because he thinks he might be right.

“Maybe a ‘lil.” Tokiya gives an amused huff, but he stands from the bed and fixes his pants. Ranmaru joins Tokiya, when he goes outside- but he stops Tokiya before he exits to shove a jacket in his hands. Tokiya gives a meek, thankful smile, but shrugs it on. 

Ranmaru’s patio is small, but in Tokiya’s opinion, it’s cozy. Tokiya takes out his pack, noticing that he only has three left. Two, after this one. He wonders how hard it would be to convince Ranmaru to walk with him to a gas station tomorrow to get more. 

Tokiya lights his smoke and leans against the railing. Ranmaru’s taken out his phone, so Tokiya doesn’t worry about taking out his own, too. Tokiya’s eyebrows furrow, noticing a message on his phone, and when he clicks on the notification, a video starts. 

It’s a video of him- lying on his bed and pleasuring himself. His volume is on, though it’s low, but on the nearly silent patio the noise of him moaning out Ranmaru’s name seems thunderous. Tokiya fumbles, trying to turn off the video, and in the second of silence Tokiya can feel his eyes burn with humiliated tears. “Oh my God, I’m sorry, I-” Tokiya fumbles to pocket his phone, and Ranmaru barely manages to catch Tokiya’s hand in time when he tries to smother the flame of his cigarette between two fingers, in his rush to put it out to try to _leave_. Ranmaru takes the smoke from Tokiya and just puts it out on the half wall of the patio, tossing it in the corner to be picked up later. 

Ranmaru takes a second to look at Tokiya’s fingertips, making sure he hadn’t managed to burn himself. “First off- don’t you _ever_ try to do that again.” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow at Tokiya. “I don’t care if you’ve done it before or not. Do _not_ put your cigarette out like that.” Tokiya stares at him, almost disbelieving. Was that really what Ranmaru found to be the most important thing of the last few minutes? Ranmaru’s thumb runs over Tokiya’s cheek, and that’s when Tokiya realizes he’s crying. It isn’t heavy- just a few horrified tears. “What was that?”

“Someone sent me one of the videos.” Tokiya is trying to look away from Ranmaru, but he can’t turn his head. “I’m sorry, Ran-”

Ranmaru looks almost puzzled for a second, and then he sighs, shaking his head. His hands move to Tokiya’s waist as he pulls him closer. “What’s that look for? Why’re _you_ sorry?”

“I- God, Ran, you heard it. Please don’t make me say it aloud.”

“Toki, we just talked about sleeping together.” Ranmaru’s face is so close to Tokiya’s, but the reason that Tokiya can’t look away now is because of the way Ranmaru’s looking at him. “You’ve got every right ‘t be upset at gettin’ a message like that- for the invasion of privacy and the complete perverted nature of it. But if you’re upset because you think _I’m_ gonna be upset, that’s stupid.” Ranmaru pulls Tokiya closer, their hips pressing together. “Fuck, babe- findin’ this out in any other situation, ‘t know that you fantasize about me would be a _turn on_.”

Tokiya gives Ranmaru a wide-eyed look, the tears have stopped entirely but his eyes are still shiny, giving him a very doe-eyed look. And then Tokiya throws his arms around Ranmaru’s neck, to press his lips to Ranmaru’s almost desperately. Tokiya pulls back quickly, remembering Ranmaru’s constant remarks about ‘smoke breath’ but Ranmaru leans forward again to catch him in a kiss almost as soon as he pulls away and Tokiya doesn’t pull back from this one.

“We should go inside.” Ranmaru mumbles, pulling back just enough to speak. “Just in case.”

“You’re right.” Tokiya’s hands are curled into the back of Ranmaru’s shirt, but he slowly forces himself to release Ranmaru. Ranmaru leads him back inside. 

“‘N don’t block that number. We’ll give the number ‘t the cops. But if they send you anythin’ else, don’t look at it.”

Tokiya nods. Once Ranmaru has locked the door again, Tokiya immediately wraps his arms around Ranmaru from behind, pressing the side of his face against Ranmaru’s back, closing his eyes. “I know I’ve said this a lot tonight, but I’m sorry.” He squeezes Ranmaru’s waist. “I had no idea how to handle the situation. I just wanted it to be over.”

Ranmaru sighs. He’s been sighing a lot tonight, and it’s not a sound Tokiya particularly enjoys. Ranmaru squeezes Tokiya’s hand. “I know, babe. I know. It ain’t a situation most people have ‘t deal with. ‘N it’s a fuckin’ scary thing, Toki. I wish you would’a told me earlier, but you told me, ‘n we’re gonna get it figured out.”

Tokiya moves, straightening up to put his chin on Ranmaru’s shoulder, his hands moving higher, to wrap around Ranmaru’s chest, holding himself tightly to Ranmaru’s back. “Would now be an inappropriate time to ask you to sleep with me?”

“I was wonderin’ the same thing.” Ranmaru murmurs, but he turns around to pull Tokiya into another kiss. Tokiya’s hands curl into Ranmaru’s shirt, bunching it up towards his waist, and Tokiya feels one of Ranmaru’s hands traveling up the back of his shirt, the other on the back of his neck, his fingers moving into Tokiya’s hair. When Ranmaru pulls away, Tokiya is panting. “Let’s go into the bedroom ‘fore we get further. ‘Ve got blackout curtains in there.”

Tokiya guesses that explains why that’s where they spoke earlier. Tokiya nods. 

Honestly- he just wanted to see Ranmaru naked. It was something he’d thought about more nights than he’d ever admit. 

As soon as they’re in the room, Ranmaru shuts the door and presses Tokiya against it. Tokiya tugs on the bottom of Ranmaru’s shirt, and Ranmaru pulls back to oblige, pulling it off and pressing against Tokiya again. 

Tokiya’s hands move to Ranmaru’s side, running his hand up Ranmaru’s bare back until he’s holding onto Ranmaru’s shoulders. Ranmaru presses kisses against Tokiya’s neck, and Tokiya notices that his lips are dry. The feeling makes Tokiya shudder. 

“This is going to seem silly.” Tokiya’s voice is a bit breathless. “But I’ve never… _knowingly_ let anyone see me naked. Go easy on me, will you?” 

Ranmaru scoffs, not lifting his head away from Tokiya’s neck. “You’ll be just fine, Toki. ‘M not gonna find you any less attractive with your clothes off than I do with your clothes on.” Ranmaru finally lifts his head, to kiss Tokiya. The kiss is short, but it still leaves Tokiya breathless. Ranmaru grins at him, a lustful expression crossing his face. “But ‘m more ‘n happy ‘t prove that to you.”

Tokiya feels his smile grow before he realizes it does. “I’m certainly not going to complain.”

Tokiya hadn’t ever really thought about exactly how his first time would go. Usually, when he fantasized, he bypassed the beginnings in favor of rougher, quicker sex- but to have Ranmaru move slowly, to have him take his time- it made Tokiya feel absolutely _adored_. Ranmaru’s words earlier were sweet, but Tokiya could always twist words, could always find dishonesty whether it was there or not, but he found himself truly believing everything Ranmaru had said through Ranmaru’s actions. 

For a long moment, Tokiya really does nearly forget the horrible, heavy, scared feeling that had settled in his gut, and even when it returns, it feels more manageable than it had felt. He curls into Ranmaru’s chest, and Ranmaru lets out a low hum, holding Tokiya closer to him. 

“You’re gonna be fine.” Ranmaru mumbles his promise. “We’re gonna go ‘t the police in the mornin’ and I’m not gonna let anythin’ happen.”

“I know.” Tokiya says quietly. When he speaks his next phrase, he finds himself meaning it. “I trust you.”


	61. Chapter Sixty-One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS ; serious injury!

Tokiya was tired. 

Tokiya had tried to work towards his goal of being an idol, or of being an actor and neither had worked out. He didn’t have the time or the resources- he was working a job at a library and was barely affording his small studio apartment. He was living paycheck to paycheck and was just barely affording rent, utilities and food, and even then he really wasn’t eating much. 

Of course, it didn’t help that it took him forever to find the job, because no place would interview him. He would apply, and he’d wait, and he would never hear back. And then when he finally got the job he has now, he wasn’t getting paid enough, nor assigned nearly enough hours. He was struggling, and it was terrible. 

The only good thing that had happened was that he had met two people on a dating site. 

Ren and Ranmaru had already been together, but Ren had an account on the dating app and he and Tokiya had matched. Tokiya didn’t mind poly relationships, though until he was in one he never would have expected that he would be. 

He did keep his work and money issues from them. They were well off, in a two bedroom apartment that could fit Tokiya’s studio in it at least two and a half times. Maybe even three. Ren worked for his family business, usually as the face, and Ranmaru gave private music lessons. They both clearly made a decent amount, and with their finances combined, they weren’t having the kind of issues Tokiya had. 

Tokiya’s studio was bare, and the fridge was empty and he didn’t even have a frame or box spring. He was just on a mattress on the floor. He didn’t invite Ren or Ranmaru over because he was embarrassed to have them see it. 

That’s why he had started to apply for other jobs. 

He had finally gotten one to offer him an interview, for a record store. He had said yes to the interview when he was reached out to, and that’s when he would have discovered that it was almost an hour commute to get there. But he had said yes and he needed the money- so he would have travelled the hour to meet up with the employer. 

He gets a second interview, and then he gets the job. 

He almost wishes they had denied him. 

He was an opener for the record store, though it was only part time. He was supposed to work for five days, nine am to one pm, and then he would work at the library starting from four until around one in the morning. He wakes up at seven thirty in the morning to get to his first job on time, and he’d get back home just in time to sit down for almost an hour before he would have to leave again. 

It didn’t take him long to get thoroughly exhausted. 

He was getting about three hours of sleep a night, and he only had one day that he was off of both jobs. Even then he wasn’t really off- because that was the only day he could spend with Ren and Ranmaru. 

Tokiya had mentioned to them that he was going to get a second job. 

“I’ve been applying to a few places. I could use some of the extra income.” This is the closest Tokiya would admit to his struggling- but he had to explain why he’d be around less. 

“A second job? Are you sure?” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. 

“I’m not getting enough hours at the library.” Tokiya frowns. “I need something more.”

“Don’t burn yourself out, Toki.” Ranmaru comments, his voice a bit gruff. 

“And if you need help, please tell us.” Ren is frowning. 

“I’ll be fine.” Tokiya assures them. “But I appreciate your concern.”

A week after Tokiya started working his new job the library had increased his hours. 

And then, Tokiya has to leave the record store job nearly an hour early after he had burst into tears after being called in for his sixth day in a row. 

It had been his thirteenth day in a row of working- because last week he had given up his day off to help a sick coworker by taking their shift at the library. 

He still had to go into the library that night, and he was a wreck. He had been sent home early that night, too. 

At least at both jobs he had done his job. Tokiya was a good worker, though that didn’t necessarily bode well for him. 

He had entirely forgotten about his promise to meet Ren and Ranmaru the next day, and he had slept in. He wouldn’t have been awoken by his phone going off, because it was still on silent from his library job. 

He didn't sleep through the knock on his door. He’d push himself off of his mattress, confused and annoyed at first. 

He was so tired. 

Tokiya opens the door, an irritated expression on his face, but it changes to guilt when he sees Ren. Ranmaru is standing behind him, leaning against the wall of the hallway. 

“Oh no.” Tokiya’s eyes widen. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to stand you up.”

“It’s alright, honey. We just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Tokiya had given them his address because they had picked him up before. They still hadn’t been inside. 

“I’m fine. I’m just tired.” Tokiya leans against his doorframe, the door still only open a crack behind him. 

“Can we come in?” Ranmaru raises an eyebrow. Tokiya hesitates for just a second, and then nods, opening the door and retreating inside. 

Ren and Ranmaru enter- both of them looking around, but it doesn’t take them long. What they saw was what they got.

“...This is where you live?” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. 

“By choice or necessity, Tokiya?” Ranmaru adds. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure which question he disliked more. 

“It’s what I can afford.”

The only thing that Tokiya had splurged on living there was the one animal that he had. It was a cat. A friendly orange one, who chose this moment to make its way out of Tokiya’s bed.

“A cat?” Ranmaru’s attention had been caught. 

“Lily.” Tokiya’s face is almost a bit red. Not that owning a cat was _embarrassing_ but the way Ranmaru was looking at him was a bit… flustering. The look doesn’t stay long, but it was definitely adoring. 

Lily makes her way to Ren’s leg, sniffing at him. 

“Toki, baby, this place is falling apart.” Ren frowns, returning to the main subject.

“It’s not that bad.” Tokiya’s voice isn’t quite defensive. He doesn’t feel _that_ strongly about it. It wasn’t home. It was just a place he stayed in. 

“You’re basically sleepin’ on the floor.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “Y'don’t even have a couch, or a chair, or… anythin'.”

“I sleep, and I read, and I spend time with the two of you. I don’t need anything else but a bed and a kitchen.”

“Toki, you shouldn’t have more for your cat than you do for yourself.” Ren frowns. Lily had made her way to Ranmaru, and though he’s crouching down to pet her, most of his focus is still on Tokiya.

“It’s really not as big of a deal as you’re making it.” Tokiya tries to reassure. 

“Can I look around?” Ranmaru’s face is almost wary when he asks it. 

“There’s not much more to see, but sure.” Tokiya couldn’t think of anything he needed to hide. Ranmaru stands with one last rub of the cat’s head. He’d make his way to Tokiya’s kitchen. 

Tokiya probably should have seen that coming. Ren’s attention would turn to that, too. Ranmaru opens the cabinets, and the fridge, and his eyes narrow at the nearly empty kitchen. 

Most of Tokiya’s savings had gone towards the clunker of a car he owned, and his paychecks mostly covered his rent, utilities and gas. What little he had left went towards food, but he had to split it up over two weeks, so there really wasn’t much there. He mostly drank tap water, and he had some cheap and easy meals. He’d like to cook, but fresh food really was more expensive. 

He was extremely embarrassed. 

“This is it?” Ranmaru asks quietly. 

“Yes.”

“With two jobs?” Ren’s voice is careful, but Tokiya can tell that he’s sad. Worried. 

“I haven’t been working them long enough to start really saving yet. It’ll be better, eventually. This is just for now.”

“I don’t like this, Toki.” Ranmaru says, closing the fridge. “I don’t really like you livin’ here, but I really don’t like that your kitchen’s empty. Please tell me you just haven’t gone shoppin' yet.”

“That’s meant to last me for the next week. I’ll get more with my next check.”

“Why wouldn’t y'tell us that you don’t have enough for _food_, Tokiya?” Ranmaru has walked away from the kitchen, back towards Tokiya. 

Tokiya frowns. “That’s not your responsibility. And I’m not starving, or homeless. I’m not necessarily well off, but I certainly could be doing worse.”

“But you don’t have to be.” Ren’s voice is almost pleading. “You have us. We want to help you.”

“It’s only been a few months.” Tokiya’s voice is soft. Quiet. 

“It’s been half a year, Toki.” Ranmaru sighs. “More 'n that.”

“We’ve both told you that you can ask us if you need help, honey.” Ren’s voice is quiet. 

“It just doesn’t feel right.” Tokiya doesn’t feel well. He’d look down. He was so tired. He could feel the burning sensation of tears in his eyes, but he’s trying to hold them back. “I can get more hours, if you’re that worried about me. Or another job, if I can't manage that."

“No, honey, that’s not what we’re saying.” Ren steps forward, and he’d pull Tokiya into a hug. Tokiya hugs him back tightly. He’s hiding his face in Ren’s shoulder- but now it’s really difficult to not cry. “We don’t want you working yourself to death. Let us make it easier on you. You aren’t using us, baby, or stealing from us, or taking from us. We want you to be comfortable and happy, not overworked and miserable.”

“I don’t know how to just take your help, Ren.” Tokiya says quietly. “It isn’t that I don’t want to… I just... “

“Then just come back with us tonight.” Ranmaru says. He’s approached Ren and Tokiya, standing just by Ren’s shoulder. “Like a trial run.”

“I can do that.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. He’s stayed the night every once in a while, so it wasn’t a completely foreign idea. It would still be a bit different, but he guesses that’s the point. “But I think we’ll have to go separately. If I’m staying over I’ll need my car for the morning.” 

“We can just drop you off at your work, Toki. I’m off all day.” Ren offers. 

“I really couldn’t ask you to. It’s… not close.”

“How far is it?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “If you’re goin’ everyday it can’t be that far.”

“It’s nearly an hour away.”

Ren stills for a second in surprise. He hadn’t dropped the hug. “How do you do that everyday, Tokiya?”

“I like the people there. I know I shouldn’t have taken it, but I got the job and I couldn’t say no. And the longer I work and the more exhausted I am, it just makes it harder to say no. I work six days a week.” Tokiya lets out a laugh, but it’s humorless. “And that’s just that job.”

“Let’s just go 't our place for now. I’ll go with ya, Toki.” Ranmaru sighs. 

Tokiya nods, and Ren lets him go. Tokiya wipes at his eyes harshly, because a few tears had managed to make their way down his cheeks. 

“We’ll speak more when we’re there.” Ren promises. He’d press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead. Tokiya moves to grab some things for his overnight stay. It wouldn’t take long, and his uniform was already in his car. Ren goes to his own car, but Ranmaru follows Tokiya. Tokiya was still fairly upset. He was physically and emotionally drained, and because he had let himself cry, he just wanted to cry himself out at this point. Ranmaru takes one look at his face and holds out his hand. 

“I’ll drive.”

Tokiya hands over the keys. He might argue, normally, but he couldn’t care enough right now. It wasn’t just that, either. Ranmaru would be in the car. He didn’t want to drive upset and risk Ranmaru’s safety. 

Tokiya didn’t live very far from Ren and Ranmaru, though Ren reaches it just a moment or two before Ranmaru and Tokiya pull up. Ranmaru hands Tokiya back the keys once they’re both out of the car, and Ranmaru walks with Tokiya up to the front door. They’d find themselves on the couch, and Tokiya is nearly leaning against Ranmaru. It’s requiring a large amount of effort to stay awake. 

“I want to know more about your schedule, Toki.” Ren says softly, setting his hand on Tokiya’s knee and squeezing it. 

Tokiya answers, almost a bit distant. The car ride made him more tired. He almost always got tired when he was a passenger- and with everything, now he felt thoroughly exhausted. “I get up at seven thirty in the morning to work at nine, and then I stay until one and get home around two thirty, and then I go to work at the library at four, and usually work until about one in the morning, and then go to sleep around two.”

They’re both quiet for a minute. “And you said you work six days a week?” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit disbelieving. 

“The nine to one job, yes. The library job is only five days.”

“Why six days?” Ren frowns. 

“Because I only asked for Fridays off of both jobs. The day I try to spend with both of you. The scheduling system we use hasn’t worked for me yet, and my boss just keeps telling me to come in the next day.”

“Y'can tell him no.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit flat. 

“It’s not that easy, Ranmaru.” Tokiya’s voice is upset. “Especially the more I work. I’m just so _tired_. And then I get upset, and withdrawn, and then I really don’t want to deal with it. It’s easier to just… go in and work.”

Ranmaru’s arm wraps around Tokiya. “Y'overwork yourself, ya know. You’d feel better if you talked to your boss 'n tried 't get some 'a yer hours cut.” Ranmaru’s voice then turns stern. “'N before ya say you can’t afford it- just listen to us. We’re _askin’_ you 't come live with us. Y'don’t have to worry about havin' food. You’d get some money to save without payin’ rent- You wouldn’t even need to work as much as you’re working now.”

“You can’t really expect me to not pay you rent, even if I do move in.” Tokiya’s voice is almost disapproving. 

“We have that covered.” Ren reassures. “I’d personally much rather have you save up some money without worrying about it. When you’re a bit more… back on your feet, we can discuss a rent payment, if you’re that insistent. But you deserve a break, baby. Lots of people do, and not everyone can get one- but you have the chance. I really hope you take it.”

“...I need time. It’s a big decision. But I’ll think about it.” Is what Tokiya finally settles on. 

Ren sighs. “Alright. But if you’re going to be staying in your apartment for any longer, I’d like to make sure that your fridge is stocked. I’m not very comfortable with you staying there with such an empty kitchen.”

Tokiya frowns, but Ranmaru gives him a stern look. “That one’s not open for discussion.”

“Fine.” Tokiya finally relents. 

He sleeps over with them, in the same bed- and Tokiya would admit that it was pretty crowded, but not unwelcome. He loved sleeping in between Ren and Ranmaru. 

But he’d have to get up early, earlier than Ren and Ranmaru would, though Ren gives him a tired kiss on the forehead, and he’d mumble. “We’ll get food and meet you when you get home.”

Tokiya sighs, “If you have time. Don’t stress yourself over it.”

Ranmaru huffs, but neither of them say anything as Tokiya gets ready for work. 

For the next three weeks, Tokiya stays in his apartment. Once a week, they insist on making sure that his fridge is stocked. 

On his way to his morning job, he notices a car behind him, driving strangely. They seemed to be having issues staying in one lane, and the speed they were using kept alternating between too fast, and too slow. Tokiya was trying to stay out of his way, but the car kept getting dangerously close. And then, at about fifty miles per hour, the car would have smashed into the back of his car at the stoplight. 

Tokiya was a safe distance away from the car in front of him, but it didn’t matter, because his car still managed to hit the bus in front of him. It definitely hurt _his_ car more than the empty bus. 

The airbag comes out, but Tokiya’s windshield had broken in places, and the airbag would have gotten a few pieces of glass lodged into Tokiya’s face. The way the back of his car had been hit had forced Tokiya forward, and the way he’d land on his back couldn’t have been good. He’d feel one of his wrists snap from its position on the steering wheel. He definitely had a concussion from the airbag, and at least a severe bruise from his seatbelt. 

Tokiya couldn’t exit his car. He had to wait for the authorities, because he’s having trouble moving at all. He’s in shock, but not enough. He can still feel the pain from his injuries- but he can’t cry. There are no tears coming. 

Tokiya is taken away in an ambulance. He knew he’d need actual medical attention- but it’s still scary. This is where he’d start actually getting fearful, and tears would finally start to prick his eyes. He has to keep his breathing even, however, because everytime it speeds up it begins to hurt. They’d ask him questions, but he can’t answer them. Everything is fuzzy, and it’s hard to focus on anything. 

Tokiya starts to feel tired, but they keep him awake. The first and only question that they actually get Tokiya to answer is when they can’t find any information from him about an emergency contact. 

They had gotten his name from his ID. 

“Tokiya, is there anyone we can call to meet us at the hospital?”

“Ren.” Tokiya mumbles, blinking. He’s really trying to think, but it’s painful. “My boyfriend. I’ve got his number.” Tokiya’s voice isn’t very loud or coherent. 

“Is he in your emergency contacts on your phone?”

Tokiya makes a noise meant to be a yes. That was the first and last real responsive answer he’d give, but they take his phone and go into the emergency contacts. Good. Tokiya doesn’t think he could even remember his code to unlock his phone now. 

Despite their efforts, Tokiya falls unconscious. 

When he wakes up, he’s been treated. His wrist is in a cast, his back hurts, and he can feel bandages across his chest and face. His headache is blinding. But he notices Ren and Ranmaru sitting on two chairs. He’s in an actual room, so he must be in an ICU, because it doesn’t seem to be an emergency room. When Ren notices that Tokiya is awake, he stands, moving slowly to stand next to Tokiya. 

“Hey, baby.” Ren’s voice is so soft. “Do you need a nurse? Are you in pain?” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. 

Tokiya doesn’t feel like he can respond. He’s afraid of the pain if he moves, and he’s afraid of the pain if he talks. Ren seems worried, but he does take the remote by Tokiya’s bed to hit the button for the nurse. 

The nurse gets Tokiya some pain medication, which somewhat helps his back and helps his headache immensely. She gets him some water, and it makes talking seem much more possible. At least Tokiya can actually think now. 

When she finally leaves, Ren and Ranmaru’s focus is on him. They’re both clearly worried. Tokiya’s lower lip trembles a bit, and he’d look away. “I hate hospitals.” His voice is dry, but it’s also very hoarse and it cracks. 

Ren gives a flicker of a smile, but it fades back into a worried expression quickly. 

“It was just a car crash.” Tokiya says weakly. “I… don’t know how bad it is. But I’m alive.”

“Just a car crash.” Ren repeats numbly. He’s standing next to Tokiya’s bed. The best he can do is to take and carefully hold Tokiya’s uninjured hand. “Thank God we didn’t lose you.” Ren’s voice is almost just as weak as Tokiya’s. 

Tokiya can’t remember if he’s ever seen Ren cry, but he sees Ren cry now. Ranmaru’s been quiet, but Tokiya sees that Ranmaru’s eyes are shiny. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya feels a wave of guilt go through his chest. 

Ren’s eyes widen, and Ranmaru’s eyes meet Tokiya’s. “No, honey, you don’t need to be sorry. You didn’t ask for this.”

“We heard about the crash.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit strained. “It really wasn’t your fault. Sounds like it was a DUI case. Fucker slammed into you. The doctors ‘aven’t told us just what’s wrong.”

The doctors eventually would. Tokiya had a few cracked ribs, a broken wrist, a concussion, some cuts and bruises and a few shifted vertebrae, and a few pinched nerves. In other words, his back was very fucked up. 

He’d only be in the hospital for about two weeks, but he’s still hurt when he goes home. He can walk, but it hurts. 

Tokiya isn’t surprised that he isn’t brought back to his own apartment, but it wouldn’t keep him from asking. “Ren?” Ren was behind the wheel. Tokiya was given the passenger seat, mostly because it could recline. Sitting fully upright was still painful. 

“You’re staying with us. We can’t let you stay alone, and sleeping on a mattress on the floor isn’t going to help your back, honey.” 

“They told me I wouldn’t be able to work for the foreseeable future.” Tokiya says quietly, almost a warning. “I won’t have anything to give you.”

“We don’t want you workin’ right now, anyways, Toki.” Ranmaru says gruffly. “Don’t stress yourself out about it. We told you before anyways that we don’t need anythin'.”

“If I might suggest something, I’d say that you let us help you release your apartment. To save what money you have.”

“It’s probably in the negatives after the hospital.” Tokiya sighs. “Did you take in Lily?”

Tokiya had asked them to take his cat, because he wasn’t home for so long. 

“‘Course. She’s taken well 't our house.” Ranmaru assures. 

“She may have gained about ten pounds.” Ren does have a slight smile.

Tokiya gives a weak chuckle. 

Ranmaru helps Tokiya in, and it’s a pretty slow process because there isn’t an easy way to help Tokiya, and he’s in tears by the time he’s inside. His prescription for pain meds wasn’t ready yet. Ranmaru helps him into the bedroom. 

Tokiya does have to admit that his bed was not nearly this comfortable, which was good because no matter how he would lay he was uncomfortable. 

Ranmaru peta through Tokiya’s messy hair. “You need anythin’?” 

“I just need to stay still for now.” Tokiya says quietly. Ranmaru nods. 

Tokiya is bed ridden for a good few weeks. The only time he ever really gets up is when Ren   
takes him to physical therapy, or to get checked up on. 

Tokiya wasn’t good with pain- and this is the hardest part at their home. 

Other than sleeping situations, especially early on. Because Ren and Ranmaru offer to take turns on the couch, so that Tokiya has enough room. They had a second room, but it was really just a practice room for their instruments, and it didn’t have a bed in it.

“I should sleep on the couch, if anything.” Tokiya frowns, and Ren just blinks at him. 

“No.” Ranmaru says flatly. 

Tokiya’s frown stays in place, but he loses that fight as soon as he starts it. 

The other fight was doing physical therapy at all- but especially at home. 

Ren and Tokiya both sit on the floor, and Ren holds the paper of exercises that Tokiya was supposed to do. 

“I can’t, Ren.” Tokiya’s eyebrows are furrowed. He’s already in so much pain. He doesn’t want more. 

“These are designed to help you, honey. I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but it eventually will.”

Tokiya’s eyes fill with frustrated, pained tears. “I _can’t_, Ren. I don’t want any of it. I don’t want to do these, I don’t want to do physical therapy, or deal with all of these shots they’re trying to get me to do. I just want to not be in pain _now_.”

Ren’s eyebrows furrow, and he’d move on the floor, taking Tokiya’s hand in his. “I know it isn’t fair, Toki, and I wish you didn’t have to go through this. I know you’re not feeling well right now- can we meet in the middle? Will you choose just a few that you think might not hurt as much, and then we can call it a night?”

It takes a bit more convincing, but Tokiya finally gives in. Ren had gotten good at helping Tokiya after going to physical therapy with him and watching the professionals. Not to mention that Tokiya’s trainer often invited Ren over, to show him how to do things to help Tokiya that Tokiya couldn’t do alone. 

It was hard for Tokiya, too, because there were so many things he couldn’t do. Like the night that Ranmaru walks into Tokiya crying to himself on the bed. 

“Toki? What’s goin’ on?” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit careful, but he’d walk closer to Tokiya. 

“I just want to be held.” Tokiya’s voice is almost a whimper. “And I can’t because it hurts so badly. I just want to go back to not dealing with the pain.”

Ranmaru’s face soften. He’d frown, his voice quiet. “I’m sure we can figure somethin' out. It won’t be perfect, but it’ll be somethin’.” Ranmaru gets onto the bed near Tokiya, who is already lying down. Ranmaru does as well, and his arm wraps carefully around Tokiya’s stomach. “That hurt?”

“Not too badly.” Tokiya sniffs. Ranmaru bends his other arm to make a pillow for himself, to be careful to not put too much pressure on Tokiya's chest. 

“We’ll get this figured out, babe.” Ranmaru promises. Tokiya almost winces at the way Ranmaru’s voice softens, though he knows that it isn’t purposeful. It sends a lot of emotions flooding through Tokiya at the confirmation that Ranmaru is having a rough time with this, too. 

“...Ran? Is… is it hard? Trying to take care of me?”

“‘Course it isn’t.” Ranmaru grunts. “Only reason that I don’t wanna take care ‘a you is because it’s from a place of necessity. When it’s coming at the price ‘a you bein’ in pain, I don’t like it. I don’t like that we can’t all be in the same bed, because I miss bein’ real close ‘t you _and_ Ren but right now you ‘n me ‘n Ren are just gonna do what we can to try to get you feelin’ as okay as you can. And it’s never gonna be perfect, because you’re really fuckin’ hurt- but I’d like ‘t believe that between us all, we can take care ‘a ya well enough to at least start gettin’ ya better. But yer not a burden, or an annoyance ‘r whatever you’re thinkin’ you are. ‘N trust me, if you ask Ren, he’s gonna say the same thing.”

It’s only two weeks later when Tokiya is advised by a doctor to undergo a procedure that should help his pain. It’s a round of shots that he’d have to receive about three times a year for the foreseeable future, but it should help drastically relieve his pain for some time. Tokiya likely wouldn’t have said yes, if Ren hadn’t accompanied him to the room, and Ren can immediately tell that something’s off when they leave. Ren speaks to him about it in the car. 

“Are you alright, Toki?” Ren gently squeezes his knee. 

“I… I don’t want to do this.” Tokiya admits, swallowing hard. Ren’s eyebrows furrow. 

“I know procedures aren’t fun, and I’m sure the first few days won’t be pleasant but-”

“I’m scared of needles.” Tokiya blurts out. He winces at his admission, which sends another wave of pain through his upper body. 

Ren’s expression softens. “I understand, baby, but this really is going to be good for you. And they’re likely to put you out, if it’s going to be that bad. Or at least numb you.” Ren sighs. “I know that doesn’t make it much better, but it’s going to make you feel better. It’s not going to be easy, but it’s going to help your pain.”

Tokiya just nods, staying quiet. 

Over the time it takes for the scheduled procedure, both Ren and Ranmaru do what they can to alleviate Tokiya’s fear, though it doesn’t seem to do much. Ren waits with him up until the point that he can’t- but Tokiya _isn’t_ put out for the procedure, and even despite the numbing, it still _hurts_. 

Tokiya is out of it for the rest of the night, and when he makes his way into the bedroom, he immediately gets into the bed and goes to sleep. Even asleep, he can tell that he isn’t left alone. 

Ren and Ranmaru only switched places, just in case Tokiya had woken up and needed anything. 

The next three days are painful, and Tokiya hardly leaves the bed. On the fourth day is where Tokiya actually does start feeling some improvement. For the first time in a long time, Tokiya can lie on his back, stomach _and_ sides without a lot of pain in any of the positions. 

Tokiya tries to get them all in the bed, on the night of the fourth day- but he can’t actually convince them until the sixth day. 

Tokiya still wasn’t allowed in the middle, because the middle spot was always tight and Tokiya’s back wasn’t _healed_, it was just less painful. But Ren lays in the middle the first night all three of them are in the bed, and Tokiya cuddles into his side. 

The next night, Ranmaru is in the middle. 

Three nights later, Ren finally wraps his arm around Tokiya, gently. “Is this okay?” 

Tokiya smiles. His back still hurt. It was always sore- but even _he_ could admit that the lessened pain almost made the needles worth it. Ren could touch him and Tokiya felt no pained tears spring to his eyes, and he didn’t feel the need to pull away from Ren’s touch. He leans in, his forehead pressing to Ren’s shoulder, his voice a soft mumble. “It’s okay.”


	62. Chapter Sixty-Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS ; alcohol abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;;; the last few and the next few are all fics that i had started and hadn't finished haha ;;; and a lot of them are darker than what ive been writing and a lot of it is older writing but i still hope you enjoy

Tokiya had learned that alcohol could solve his issues less than a month after he turned twenty-one. He had assured himself that he wasn’t relient- but it was nice, getting buzzed. It made things more bearable. And then he had gotten very upset, and he had overdone it and he had found that it worked even _better_. 

It had gone on for two years. Tokiya would be alright in public, and he’d go home and drink himself stupid. He felt terrible every day at work, and then he’d drink off the feeling just to restart it again the next day. It wasn’t until he had started to miss work that the others had gotten suspicious. 

Especially Ren. 

Because Tokiya and Ren had been very close. Ren had been with Ranmaru for a decent amount of time. Tokiya had known Ren before he and Ranmaru had gotten together, but Tokiya had fallen for Ren. 

He’d never admit it, but that’s when he started drinking. 

Tokiya still would have spent quite a lot of time hanging out with Ren and Ranmaru. He wishes he had spoken to Ranmaru before, too, because maybe he’d feel less terrible- had he developed his crush on Ranmaru before Ranmaru was dating one of his other closest friends. His crush on Ren hadn’t left, either. It didn’t help Tokiya’s problem. But he still would have spent a lot of time with both of them- though as time progressed he’d show up less and less. 

Tokiya had gone out one night. He had gone to a bar, and had too much to drink and had wound up in the bed of a woman whose name he couldn’t remember. She may not have even told him it. He wasn’t proud of leaving- but he couldn’t stay. 

He wouldn’t have gone to work that day, disgusted with himself. 

For a while, he was been sober. He didn’t want to make that same mistake again. 

Nine months later, however, he would have gotten a letter. 

“Tokiya Ichinose, 

It was hard to find your address, but I am Naomi Ventri, the woman you spent the night with months back. 

If I had found a good contact method earlier, I would have told you sooner, but I’m pregnant. I’m due in a few weeks now. 

If you want a paternity test when the baby is born, I’ll arrange it, but I can’t raise this child without some sort of support. I didn’t know you were famous until I started trying to find you, and I don’t think that’s a lifestyle a child should be subjected to. If you don’t want to be in the child’s life, that’s fine. If you pay child support, I’ll keep their father a secret. 

Here’s my number. I hope you’ll contact me.”

Tokiya does. 

They arrange a paternity test, though Tokiya didn’t feel like he was being lied to. The times lined up, and Tokiya didn’t ever carry around protection, because he never expected to sleep with a stranger. It wasn’t typically a thing he planned on.

The test, after the child was born, comes back positive. Tokiya gives her child support- perhaps more than he even really needed to. He wasn’t proud that he wasn’t going to be in his child’s life, but he’d try to make up for it. 

Tokiya was spending almost as much on alcohol as he was on child support.

And then, one night, Ren drops by Tokiya’s house after another cancellation. Tokiya didn’t hang out with Ren and Ranmaru very much anymore. He didn’t really spend time with anyone anymore. He worked and he went home. He didn’t even clean up after himself anymore. 

Tokiya opens the door, and Ren takes one look at Tokiya’s face and walks into Tokiya’s home. He sees empty bottles. Tokiya’s favorite was vodka, because he started with fruity drinks, the ones that you could barely taste the alcohol in, and it was often vodka. He had grown, now just drinking it straight from the bottle. Tokiya would hate to see what it was doing to him, but if it killed him, so be it. 

He didn’t even really get buzzed anymore, but he was dependent. When he wasn’t drinking, he was thinking about it. That’s why it was hard to hang out with anyone. He just didn’t want to be there when he could be home. He got black out drunk often. 

“Tokiya, what are you doing to yourself?” Ren’s voice is so quiet, and he’d turn to look at Tokiya with an almost horrified expression. Tokiya blinks at him. He wasn’t wasted. Not yet. He had turned into quite the heavy weight and he had only just started drinking. 

“What does it matter?” Tokiya mumbles. He was a bit irritated. Who was Ren to walk into his home to judge him? It was why he kept his drinking on the down low. 

“What does it matter?” Ren repeats numbly. His face begins to twist, his eyebrows furrowing and his mouth turning down at the corners. He looks sad. Worried. “How long have you been drinking like this Tokiya? How much _do_ you drink?”

Tokiya would just stare at him. Ren’s jaw sets, but the concern isn’t gone. “Grab your things.”

“What?”

“Go get an overnight bag. I’m bringing you back with me.”

Tokiya gets angry. He normally wouldn’t, but he wasn’t sober or drunk enough for this right now. “What if I don’t want to?” 

“Tokiya, please.” Ren’s voice drops down to a pleading tone. “Just listen to me right now.”

Tokiya’s face hardens, but he’d go to grab a few things, and Ren leads him out the door. Tokiya notices that the bottle he had been drinking from wasn’t in the place he left it. He wasn’t sure what Ren had done with it. 

The car ride is quiet. 

When they pull into the driveway to Ren and Ranmaru’s shared house, Tokiya doesn’t move, but Ren walks around and opens the door for him. Tokiya finally climbs out of the car, holding onto his bag with a tight grip. Ren ushers him towards the door. Tokiya had seen Ren on his phone right after he had packed- which made Tokiya not want to go inside the house. He must have told Ranmaru the situation. 

Ranmaru had been up and moving, and at first Tokiya isn’t sure why- until he realizes that the small amount of alcohol that they usually had wasn’t in its usual place. 

Tokiya feels hurt, and it shows on his face. “Do you really think I’d steal from you?”

Ren’s face softens, and his response comes quickly. “Of course not, Toki. That’s not why we moved it.” His voice quiets a bit. “We just didn’t want it to… for lack of a better word… 'trigger' you.”

Tokiya gets quiet again. Ranmaru’s watching him. “Coming here wasn’t a good idea.”

“Will you at least let me talk to you, Toki?” Ren’s voice is very, very quiet. “I can’t force you to stay here if you don’t want to, no matter what my personal feelings are, but I can’t just let you walk out without at least trying to help, either.”

“Why are you talking to me like that? Like I’m doing something terrible.”

“I wouldn’t phrase it like that, but what you’re doing isn’t _good_. How much do you drink?” 

“What? So you can judge me for it?”

“That’s not what we’re tryin’ to do, Tokiya.” Ranmaru says from his spot near the couch. Ren begins to move Tokiya towards the couch, and Tokiya goes, but he’s storming over there. He’s angry, and he feels attacked. He wishes Ren hadn’t come over to his house in the first place.

He’d sit, and Ren would give him one seat between them, though Ren is turned towards him. Ranmaru moves to sit in a chair. They’re both facing Tokiya. 

“I don’t really keep track. A bottle lasts me a couple of days, I guess.”

“A couple of days?” Ren’s voice is almost disbelieving. “How long has this been going on.”

“A year and a half? Two? It’s been a long time.”

“I’m sure you don’t need us to tell you how unhealthy this is.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. “You can’t drink like that and be okay.”

“I feel fine.” Tokiya’s voice is short. 

“Do you?” Ranmaru stares him dead in the eyes. Tokiya’s jaw tightens, and he turns his head. “‘S what I thought.”

“What do you expect to do for me, now that you’ve caught me in the act? I’m an adult. I’m not doing anything illegal.”

“You’re not.” Ren says, his voice tight. “But I’d like to have you stay with us and try to work you away from it. There are so many other coping mechanisms, Toki. I’d like you to try some.”

“To stay here?” Tokiya echoes. There isn’t any emotion in his voice, but all he can think about is how that might make him want to drink more. Watching Ren and Ranmaru be a couple. To see the looks they give each other and the things they share and what they do to help each other out without needing to ask. All of the things Tokiya wishes he could have. And with them, nonetheless. “Why not just take the bottles and keep an eye on me at my house?” 

Ren frowns. “If that’s the only way you’ll let me help, I’ll do that. But I’d prefer to keep you here.  
Just for a little while.”

“If you’re that dependent on the booze, Tokiya, you’re gonna go through withdrawal. It’s gonna be a bitch, and it’s not gonna be easy to get through. ‘Specially if you’re by yourself.” 

Tokiya gets quiet. 

Tokiya does end up staying with them for nearly a month. 

There were more than a few times where he’d almost break and go back- and if he had been by himself there’s no way that he wouldn’t have. He had been a complete asshole, snapping at Ren and Ranmaru often. 

The actual withdrawal symptoms persisted for no longer than a week and a half, but it was hell for all three of them. Tokiya especially. 

He had barely eaten. Just in the week he had lost almost ten pounds, and Ren would have only been able to get him to eat something small, usually about every other day at best. Tokiya had to deal with tremors- making it difficult to write, unable to keep his hands still. He constantly felt sick. He spent most of the time lying in the bed in their guest room with pounding headaches, though he’d find himself unable to sleep it off. 

He had felt so uncomfortable, and he’d often catch Ren looking at him with an almost helpless expression. He hated seeing Tokiya like this. 

Tokiya had gone back to work a few days after his symptoms finally started to calm down. He would have worked through it, but Ren and Ranmaru both agreed that he shouldn’t. 

Tokiya had to leave early a few times, because though his symptoms were over, his cravings and attitude weren’t. 

It would have been nearing the month mark when Tokiya begins to consistently act like himself again. Ren pulls him into a tight hug one day, and he just holds it. Tokiya eventually tries to push away. 

“I’m sorry, Ren, but please. Don’t do this to me. I don’t think I can handle this.” Tokiya admits, his voice strained. Ren pulls back to watch Tokiya’s face. 

“You can’t handle what, Toki?”

“I didn’t want to tell you this, because you’re taken, but I like you, Ren. I have for such a long time, and I know it doesn’t matter- but it hurts sometimes. And I don’t want to stop being friends, but things like this… I know they don’t mean anything to you, but they mean too much to me.”

Ren’s face softens, but his question surprises Tokiya. “And Ranmaru? What do you think about him?”

Tokiya’s face is pleading. “Don’t make me answer that.” But the look Ren was giving him wouldn’t change. He’d stay quiet. Tokiya gives a defeated sigh, and he can’t look at Ren’s face. “I… like him, too. I’m sorry. It’s not fair to either of you- especially not you, Jesus, but…”

“Give us some time, Toki.” Ren gives a soft smile. “I’ll be careful. I’m not trying to make you feel bad- but we’ll speak about all of this. But for now, don’t worry about it. I’m not angry. Ran won’t be angry, and neither of us are going to think any less of you. Thank you for telling me.”

It was two days later when Ren calls Tokiya into Ren and Ranmaru’s room. Tokiya had been in here before, but he was surprised to be called into their room. When he enters, Ren and Ranmaru are sitting on the bed. Ren is towards the top of it, somewhat to the side but also taking a large part of the middle. Ranmaru is sitting towards the top, too, but one leg is hanging off of the bed. Tokiya stands by the end of it. 

“You can sit on the bed, Toki.” Ren flashes him a soft smile. It does nothing to alleviate Tokiya’s nerves. Especially when he moves to sit on the bottom of the bed, mirroring Ranmaru’s pose. “We wanted to talk to you.”

“That’s never a good start.” Tokiya mutters. Ranmaru snorts. 

“‘S not that bad. It shouldn’t be.” Ranmaru adds. 

“So you like both of us?” Ren says gently.

Tokiya’s face flushes red. It takes a lot to keep himself from covering his face. “Ren-”

“It’s a genuine question. I want to make sure we’re all on the same page.”

“Yes. I do. I… do like both of you.”

“I love Ran. And Toki, I like you, too. I care for you, and I care for you more than a friend.” Ren maintains eye contact with Tokiya as he speaks. That was more than Tokiya had managed to do. Ren looks at Ranmaru. “Ran?”

Ranmaru nods. He chooses to look at Tokiya, too. “I don’t really know when it happened, but I started likin’ you more than a friend, too, Tokiya. ‘N obviously I fuckin’ like Ren.” Ranmaru glances at Ren at that one, raising an eyebrow, and Ren gives a teasing smile. 

Ren then gets a bit more serious, and he looks at Tokiya. “Toki, what would you think of a three person relationship?”

A polyamourous relationship?

“Are you suggesting that we all be in one relationship?” Tokiya blinks. “Are you… inviting me into _your_ relationship?”

“If that’s the way you’d like to think of it, then yes. We are.”

“It… sounds too perfect, if I’m honest. Like there should be a catch.”

“We wouldn’t ask anything more of you than we would ask in any other relationship.” Ren says gently. “We simply ask that if you choose to do this, you communicate with us.”

“...I’m sure you know this by now, but that doesn’t come easy to me. I… can’t promise I will, but I can promise I’ll try. I understand if that isn’t enough.”

“It is.” Ren says. “We can only ask that you do what you can. But that does mean that we’re going to try to help.”

Tokiya nods. He’d swallow. “Then I would like that. The three person relationship.” 

He’d look back up, and he’d notice that Ren is smiling. Ranmaru’s eyes are softer. 

They were happy, for a long time. 

And then Tokiya relapsed. He had tried to keep it a secret, because he had given in- even though he knows he shouldn’t have. 

He was craving a drink. 

Unfortunately, it wasn’t just one. 

He hadn’t gotten nearly as bad as he had been, because he was living with Ren and Ranmaru. He didn’t have anywhere to get completely drunk without his small, one person house. 

So it was only a few drinks at a time. It was getting up late at night to go to the bathroom, but going downstairs and having those few drinks. 

It was drinking during those rare times he was alone, and taking a nap to hide the glaze in his eyes. Of avoiding welcome home and good morning kisses so they couldn’t tell that there was alcohol on his breath. 

Of biting back irritation- because if he snapped at them they might suspect something. Maybe not the first time, but Tokiya was back in it too far. 

He wanted to stop. He did. 

But if he stopped he would go through withdrawal again, and then they’d know. 

Not that it mattered. Because he was found, curled on the floor of the guest room in an alcohol assisted unconsciousness. He was glad he wasn’t awake, because the look on Ren’s face would have broken his heart. 

Tokiya knew he had been caught when he had woken up in the bed, between Ren and Ranmaru. Ren’s arms were wrapped around him, holding him closer. 

Tokiya had been furious the first time he had been caught. He was guilty, and disappointed in himself the second time. He would have burst into tears when he was awake enough for the situation to hit him. It woke Ren up, and it must have woken Ranmaru, too, because Ranmaru’s arm wraps around his waist. 

“I’m sorry.” Tokiya’s voice is hoarse. 

“I know, honey.” Ren’s voice is still tired. “I know. I just wish you would have told us.”

“I was scared.” Tokiya can feel Ren’s grip tighten around him. “I didn’t mean for it to get this bad again.”

“You’re gonna have to detox again, babe.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff from sleep. He’s trying to keep his voice gentle, as gentle as Ranmaru’s voice gets. 

Tokiya’s lip trembles. He remembers the hell he went through trying to detox last time. He’d lay his head on Ren’s chest and sob. 

The symptoms take a few days to kick in, and while he still feels miserable, it’s a little better than last time. He hadn’t gotten quite as bad. 

He still was missing his appetite, and he still felt so sick. His hands still shook, but at least he could sleep away most of the symptoms this time. 

When the headaches came, Ren would have tried to lie a cool cloth on Tokiya’s forehead, and it actually does help. 

Ren was a lot stricter this time with making Tokiya eat than he had been last time. Tokiya is out of work for less time than he had been. 

He was still irritable, but it wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been. 

It was two years later when Ren proposes to both of them. Only two of them could legally get married, and after a long discussion between the three of them- it ends up being Tokiya and Ren. 

The wedding was absolutely, hands down one of Tokiya’s happiest memories. The wedding day was mostly Ren and Tokiya- not that they didn’t sneak off every once in a while to make sure that Ranmaru didn’t feel excluded. He didn’t, but he also didn’t mind them checking on him, either. 

The wedding night and honeymoon would have been all three of them. 

The honeymoon period would have lasted far longer than it should have. And then Tokiya would have gotten news, via an urgent phone call.

The woman, Naomi Ventri, the mother of his child, had fallen ill and had put expressly in her will that, if possible, she would like her son, Hiro Ventri, to be in the care of his father, Tokiya Ichinose. 

It’s Ranmaru that catches him searching the kitchen, less than twenty minutes after the call. Tokiya had agreed to meet with a lawyer and child protective service agent in three days time, but he still wasn’t ready.

Ren and Ranmaru had no idea that he had a _child_. The boy, at this point, was five years old. Tokiya wasn’t sure what he was panicking more about- telling his partners or actually stepping into the role as a father. Tokiya was often rather childish himself, and a kid had never been a part of his plan. Of course he had paid child support, every month, up until this point, but Tokiya had never even met his child. 

Ranmaru grabs onto Tokiya’s upper arm, pulling him away from the cabinet he had been riling through. 

“Y’know we don’t keep anythin’ in the house.” Ranmaru grumbles, the concern in his voice fairly obvious. “What’s goin’ on? You haven’t had a craving this bad since you were last detoxing.” Ranmaru turns him, and his eyes narrow. “You didn’t go out ‘n get anythin’ ‘t hide, did you?”

“I should have.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. “God, I need a drink right now.”

“What happened?” Ranmaru’s free hand lands on Tokiya’s other shoulder, even as Tokiya’s hands lift to cover his face. “Talk to me, Tokiya.”

“I have a kid.” Tokiya blurts out. Ranmaru freezes, a bit disbelieving. 

“..._What?_” When Tokiya doesn’t respond, Ranmaru shakes his head. He lets go of one of Tokiya’s shoulders, to run his hand through his hair. His next question is low, and it makes Tokiya wince. “How long?”

“Five years.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “Almost six.”

“It- you had a kid _five years ago_ and we’re just hearin’ about this _now?_” Ranmaru’s voice is almost empty, and Tokiya knows it’s because Ranmaru can’t figure out exactly what emotion he should primarily be feeling. “Look.” His voice is a bit harsher. “We need ‘t have this conversation with Ren, but you’re not just fuckin’ drinkin’ this problem away.” That’s all Ranmaru says before he lets go of Tokiya’s shoulder, only to take his upper arm and pull him along. Ren had been taking a shower, but Ranmaru leads Tokiya to sit on the bed and then closes the bedroom door to lean against it, crossing his arms. Tokiya puts his head in his hands. 

Ren walks out of the bathroom in sweatpants with a towel wrapped over his hair. At first, he’s surprised to be ambushed straight out of the shower, and then he takes a look at Tokiya and goes over to him, gently holding onto Tokiya’s wrists, but Tokiya won’t let Ren lower his hands from his face. “Toki? Baby, what’s wrong?” Tokiya doesn’t need to look at Ren to know he’s glanced at Ranmaru, because his tone becomes far more uneasy. “What’s going on? What happened?”

“Tokiya, you need ‘t tell ‘im.”

Ren’s full attention turns back on Tokiya. Tokiya’s voice is shaky, but it’s quiet, too. “I have a child.”

Ren stills completely, Tokiya closes his eyes tighter, pressing his lips together before letting out a shaky breath. 

“I didn’t- It was before I was with you- I wouldn’t-”

“That’s not the issue.” Ranmaru says flatly. “What the fuck happened?”

This time when Ren applies pressure to Tokiya’s wrists, Tokiya lowers his hands. He still doesn’t look at Ren. “It was before you made me detox the first time, some time before the time you caught me, Ren.” Tokiya’s swallow is audible. “I had gone out drinking and I ended up going home with a woman, and she contacted me nine months later to inform me that she had my child, and it… it is real. We did a paternity test and I’ve been paying child support for nearly six years now. ...She’s passed away.” Tokiya’s voice turns empty, and almost a little lost. “And requested in her will that I take care of the boy.”

“‘The boy’ is yer fuckin’ _kid_, Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s hands raise, dragging the skin down over his face. “I don’t get why we haven’t heard about this yet.”

“I’ve never met him.” Tokiya admits. He bites down on his lip hard enough that he can actually taste blood. Ren hasn’t let go of Tokiya’s wrists, but he seems frozen. “I had no idea how to just casually bring this up, Ranmaru. How do I tell you that I probably ruined that poor girl’s life? Forced her to take care of a child? And the boy? He’s grown up now without me, and now he’s lost his mother- my horrible decisions ruined his life, too, before it’s even started. She asked me, back when it happened, to stay out of his life because I was an idol- there never was a chance for me to right my wrongs. I’m going in for a meeting in three days and I’m just… I’m just going to tell them it’d be best if I didn’t-”

“You can’t.” Ren speaks now, though it had seemed like Ranmaru was going to speak as well. “Toki, I’m sorry to pull this card on you, but do you really want to be _your_ dad?” Tokiya winces. “I’m well aware of what kind of state you were in, six years back, but that _doesn’t_ excuse this. Tokiya, you may not have taken accountability back then, but you don’t have a _choice_ now.”

“He’d be better with anyone else.” Tokiya’s voice holds a weak tone of finality. 

“Whether you like it or not, you brought a fuckin’ kid into this world, Tokiya. Yeah, you made some real fucking stupid choices, but if there’s any time ‘t fix it, it’s now. You can give ‘im a home, and you _should_. And it’s kind of pissin’ me off, the way you’re talkin’. Like you’re just gonna be by your fucking self in this.”

Tokiya doesn’t get further than opening his mouth before Ren cuts him off. “Don’t you dare try to argue that.” Ren’s voice is extremely stern, borderlining angry. “Because this isn’t _just_ you and your child. You _wouldn’t_ be alone in this and you should know that by now.”

“We’ve had _rough patches_ before but it’s never-”

“Stop.” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. 

“I’m not sure how else to tell you that we aren’t going to leave you.” Ren frowns. “_Listen to us._”

“‘M not fuckin’ thrilled it took this long for you ‘t tell us somethin’ this important, but we wouldn’t be havin’ this discussion if I were done. ‘N d’ya think Ren would be this pissed if it were really a breakup? You should know both of us better ‘n that.”

Ren’s curled index finger lands underneath Tokiya’s chin to tilt his head up. “There are going to be things you do need to change, Toki.” Ren says quietly. “It’s perfectly alright to be upset and to get upset- but you can’t just sit here and just let everything fall apart around you.”

“The first thing that’s gotta change, Tokiya is your copin’ mechanism.” Ranmaru grumbles. 

Ren moves to cup Tokiya’s face in between both of his hands. “You have two of us.” Ren pleads. “Just _talk_ to us. This is what we’re _here_ for, Toki, to support you! It’s why I’m not going to allow you to do this to that child _or_ yourself. If you can look me in the eyes and tell me that you’d ever forgive yourself for giving up on him, I’ll drop this.”

Tokiya’s eyes don’t lift to Ren’s face. 

Ranmaru sighs, running a hand over his face. “Then you ‘n Ren’ll go ‘t whatever meetin’ you scheduled. ‘N I want you in the house ‘til it’s over. I don’t want you drinkin’.”

Tokiya stays silent, his hands having dropped to tightly grip the bed sheets. Ren pulls Tokiya’s head closer to himself, cradling it against his chest and petting through his hair, and his voice softens- the softest it’s been so far this conversation. “Trust us, baby, please. You have a real talent at making yourself miserable, but we love you. Please believe that there’s merit in that. You’re not hopeless, and you’re irreversibly broken- you’re sad, and you’re struggling, and all we want to do is help you.” Ren’s voice drops just before his last sentence, and Tokiya is slouching into Ren before he realizes that he’s doing it. “Just let us.”

It’s quiet, and Tokiya wonders if they’re waiting for his excuse, or his denial. Tokiya’s voice trembles when he responds. 

“Okay. I’ll try.”


	63. Chapter Sixty-Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNING ; terminal illness, sickness

Tokiya felt numb. 

He was fully aware that there was something wrong with him. He had been so sick recently that he hasn’t been able to show up to any of his shifts at the library, too sick to be able to leave bed. He had it all- a fever, nausea, stomach pains, chest pains and body pains. A terrible migraine-like headache. 

Tokiya really couldn’t afford to go to the doctor, but with his rent nearing he didn’t have a choice. He needed to go back to work, and the symptoms refused to stop. Ren and Ranmaru had both visited him in his apartment, but Tokiya was having trouble downplaying how terrible he felt. He did, however, insist that it was just a bug. It had been a few days since they had swung by his apartment, and Tokiya had kept in contact to try not to worry them. They were under the impression that he was working his shift as the librarian and not lying sick in bed. It had been going on for almost two and half weeks. 

Tokiya could tell they were starting to get suspicious, too, in the ways that they’d both try to invite him over or out. Every denial and excuse seemed to make them more persistent the next time. 

Another reason that Tokiya had to visit the doctor. He didn’t want to make them worry over him. They already worried enough. They had tried to convince him to live with them, but their work schedules were too different and Tokiya didn’t want to bother them when he came home late at night. 

This particular visit was the second office visit- the one where he had been given his results. He listened quietly as the doctor told him about the serious illness that he had been diagnosed with. Terminal. That was the phrase that Tokiya stuck on. The doctor had expressed to him that there were treatments that would greatly improve his chances- but what did it matter? Tokiya couldn’t afford them. Even the doctor had admitted that they were pricey. Tokiya wouldn’t ever be out of debt, if he could even get enough money to start the treatments in the first place. 

“How long?” 

“At least a few months, but if you refuse treatment, it’s likely that you won’t live past a year. The symptoms start small, but they’re only going to get worse. At this rate, you’ll likely be hospitalized in four or five months, at the latest.”

Tokiya nods. 

How was he going to tell Ren and Ranmaru that he was going to die? 

He wasn’t. He couldn’t. 

The doctor grabs a paper, writing down something that Tokiya can only presume is a prescription. He’s proven right when the doctor hands it to him. 

“This is a painkiller and anti-nausea medication. It’s the best I can do. If you change your mind on the treatment, we can start it anytime in the next two months, but it may not be effective if we wait longer than that.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. He takes the prescription out of the office with him, but he doesn’t have insurance and he doesn’t have the means of paying for it without it. 

Tokiya waits until he’s back in his apartment to start crying. It hit him almost immediately in the office that he was going to die, but he finally had the chance to physically react. 

Of course Tokiya didn’t want to die. He loved his job, and he had two people in his life that made him happier than anything. He had friends. Otoya had visited his apartment only a few days ago to check on him and had brought him homemade soup and made sure he ate because that was the type of person Otoya was. 

Tokiya still felt terrible, but he’d only lie down for about an hour. He’d cry so hard that he’d make himself throw up twice, and after the first time he had just chosen to lie down on the bathroom floor. He’d think about Ren, and how worried Ren would be to see him curled up on the tile floor, and the thought only makes him cry harder, his entire body shaking with his sobs. 

It wasn’t fair. 

And now Tokiya was left with the hardest thing that he was ever going to do. After he handled Ren and Ranmaru, he’d figure something out. He’d stay in his apartment until he ran out of money, and then he’d probably be sick enough to stay in the hospital. If he had no family to take on his debts, he couldn’t imagine that the debt would have anywhere to go, right? Cheating the system. 

It’s a dry thought. 

He’d finally get himself together and he’d use everything in him to keep himself together. He felt unbelievably terrible, but he could pretend to be alright for a few hours. He had gotten used to the terrible feeling in his entire body. 

It was a good thing that the meds were just painkillers, because Tokiya could just handle the pain. It wasn’t anything vital. 

Tokiya would check his phone. He expected a text from Ren or Ranmaru and he was right. About a half an hour ago Ren had texted him. 

**Ren**

** _Ren;_ ** _ hey toki_   
** _Ren;_ ** _ what are you up to?_

Tokiya thinks about his response for a few minutes. 

The hardest thing he’s going to have to do. The thought echoes in his head. 

_Can you two come over? I have something important that we should talk about._

The response comes quickly. 

** _Ren;_ ** _ of course. do you want us there right now?_

_You don’t need to rush if you’re busy, but you can come over as early as you can._

** _Ren;_ ** _we can be there in twenty minutes_

Tokiya doesn’t text him back after that. He’d get himself together, and try to make the apartment a bit more presentable, despite how sick he feels when he’s moving around. He’d finally settle into the couch when he’d hear a knock on the door. He’d close his eyes, getting himself together and grounded. 

Prepared. 

Tokiya pushes himself off of the couch and would head over to open the door. 

He would remind himself that he was doing this for their sake. Tokiya opens the door. 

Ren and Ranmaru enter the apartment, and Ren frowns when he sees Tokiya. Tokiya had lost weight from his time spent in bed, and he still looked sickly. Ren reaches out to touch Tokiya’s face, but Tokiya turns his head, closing the door. He feels sick in an entirely different way when he sees the hurt look flash across Ren’s face for just a few seconds. Ranmaru is on edge, now, too. 

“Let’s sit down.” Tokiya would gesture towards the couch. He would take the chair so that he could face them as he spoke, though he’s not looking either of them in the eye. 

They wait for him to speak. 

“...I think we should take a break.” Tokiya swallows hard. He’s managing to look at them. His stomach turns. 

“Why?” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow. Ren’s face is carefully guarded. Tokiya knew that they wouldn’t just accept it and leave, but Tokiya still wished that they would. 

“It’s just not working out. It’s nothing against either of you.” 

“Tokiya, if yer not happy we’re not gonna force you to stay, but I want you ‘t at least explain why you’re unhappy. What made you decide this?” Ranmaru’s leaning forward, his elbows on his knees. He’s trying to meet Tokiya’s eyes. 

Tokiya isn’t letting him. Tokiya notices that Ren is on the edge of the sofa. Tokiya can tell how badly Ren wants to stand and go to Tokiya, but he doesn’t. “Our lives are too different. It’s too difficult to work around.” 

“That’s bullshit.” Ranmaru’s voice is flat. Tokiya had more issues thinking of something than he thought he would, and he felt so miserable that he could feel his act slipping. He should have thought of something better. “We all know. Don’t lie to me. If you’re gonna break up with me, I wanna know why.”

Tokiya sets his head in his hands. He rubs his eyes. He wants to lie down. He wants them to accept it and leave. 

“That’s my reason.” He says firmly. 

Ranmaru scowls. He stands, starting to head towards the door. “Fine. I’m not done with this but-” He stops talking when his eyes land on the piece of paper that Tokiya had left on the counter of his kitchen. "What 'r the painkillers for, Tokiya?” 

Tokiya is alerted at the question, and both Ren and Ranmaru notice the look that flashes over Tokiya’s face. Ranmaru walks back until he’s standing next to Tokiya’s chair. Tokiya swallows hard. "I've been really sick lately."

"How long?"

“A few weeks.”

“What did the doctor say?” Ren speaks up. 

There’s a long second of pause.

“I’m dying.” 

He's given up. He didn’t feel well enough to keep trying to convince them. Especially not with all of the evidence against him.

“He told me I have a terminal illness, and I can’t afford the treatment.” Tokiya’s lip trembles, but he refuses to cry. “I just… I don’t want you two to watch me die.”

“Tokiya, what?” Ren’s voice is shocked, immediately upset. He stands, moving over to Tokiya. 

“But there’s treatment.” Ranmaru’s voice is low. “There’s somethin’ to do about it.”

“There’s not. It’s so expensive.” Tokiya is hunched in on himself, small. He gives a short, teary, bitter laugh. Ren has crouched down to be closer to eye level but Ranmaru’s still standing. They’re both watching his face. 

“You’re not going to get it?” Ren’s voice is just a bit too high, though he’s clearly trying to hold himself together.

“I can’t.”

“What did the doctor say about the treatment?”

“...He said it would help. But I can’t. I couldn’t even get a loan for enough money to start it, Ran.” Tokiya’s hands fall from his face, gripping his pants. “Can we please stop talking about it? It’s… This is why I was trying not to tell you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“So what? You were gonna break up with us and let us find out God knows when that you _died?”_ Ranmaru’s voice holds stifled anger. He’s trying to conceal it, but it’s clearly difficult. 

“I told you-” Tokiya finally breaks, starting to cry. “I don’t want you to watch me die. I don’t want to waste away in front of you two.”

“We’re gettin’ you the treatment.” Ranmaru’s voice has a finality to it. 

“I could never ask you to do that.”

“You don’t have to.” Ren says quietly. His voice holds the same tone Ranmaru’s does. “If there’s anything that might save you, we’re going to try it. We don’t want to watch you die, either, Toki. But the answer to that isn’t to just let you die alone.” Ren’s hand raises, running his thumb over Tokiya’s cheek, catching a few tears. 

“Your life is more important to both of us than money is.”

Tokiya feels tired. He feels the beginnings of his stomach churning and throat convulsing. “I have to-” He pushes himself up, and they let him up, seeing the discomfort on his face. He can’t make it to the bathroom and has to settle with a trash can, though he tries to move so that he’s less visible. It doesn’t work, because both Ren and Ranmaru follow him over. Ranmaru gives him a bit of space, but Ren moves forward to keep his bangs out of his face. When he’s done, he collapses on the floor, too exhausted to hold the kneeling position, but he keeps his head mostly in the trash can. He was so sick of feeling sick.

Ren pets through Tokiya’s hair. “We have to get you treatment, baby. I hate seeing you like this.”

“That’s assuming it works and you don’t waste a ridiculous amount of money.” Tokiya mumbles miserably into the trash can. “I’m never going to be able to pay either of you back. Not unless I discover magic or buried treasure. And if it doesn’t work, you don’t get anything back.”

Ren drops down to his knees, moving his hands from Tokiya’s hair to his back, resting on his chest. Like a hug without the pressure. “We have to try. And we don’t need you to pay us back, either.”

Nothing happens that day. Tokiya had exhausted all of the little energy that he had and Ren and Ranmaru watch over him. 

They go with him the next day to the doctor’s office. Tokiya had called in the morning and they had scheduled him in that day to discuss the treatment plan. When he had gotten there, the doctor had expressed that it was a smart move to discuss treatment now rather than later. 

Tokiya had given permission to the doctor to speak about his condition in front of Ren and Ranmaru. It was especially fair considering that they insisted on paying for it. 

It was virtually putting a chemical into his body in order to fight off the illness. He would get much, much worse before he got better, but it was the only known treatment, and supposedly it was likely to work. Tokiya was to start treatment the next day, and he’d go to a different office to start it. 

On the way back Ren stops the car at the pharmacy. Tokiya hadn’t even seen Ranmaru grab the prescription, but he had it. The pharmacy had some of the pills already in stock and so Tokiya wouldn’t have to wait for them. Tokiya wouldn’t have even gotten out of the car, on Ren and Ranmaru’s insistence, and while he waited for Ranmaru he would have sat with Ren. 

Before Ranmaru left, Tokiya would have tried to stop him. 

“I don’t need it. I can just power through.”

“If you’ve been prescribed painkillers, you should take them. You’re obviously not feelin’ good, so it’s not like you don’t need ‘em.”

“I can’t- I’m sorry that I keep bringing up money, but I can’t afford it. And it's not fair to either of you to keep making you pay.” Tokiya’s voice is quiet. Back when he was working, he lived comfortably. He wasn’t necessarily well off, but he didn’t struggle. Now, he didn’t even think he had enough saved to pay his next rent check. 

Tokiya wasn’t sure where he’d go. He wasn’t well enough to go back to work, but he supposed he might have to suck it up and go. Especially if he would be buying the painkillers. 

“We’ll take care of anything that has to do with your health, Toki.” Ren reminds him gently. 

Tokiya shifts, reaching into his pocket. He was sitting in the passenger’s seat thanks to Ranmaru taking the back. Ren grabs his wrist, stopping him. “Toki.”

“Let me pay.” Tokiya insists. “It’s my medicine and you’re already paying for enough.”

Ranmaru had used the distraction to get out of the car, and Tokiya is alerted of this when the door closes. Tokiya moves his free hand to the handle, but Ren won’t let go of his wrist. “Just stay in the car, baby. You look exhausted.”

“You’re both doing too much.”

“I honestly don’t feel like we’re doing enough.” Ren sighs. “I wish we had been here for you earlier.”

“I didn’t tell you. You couldn’t have known.”

Ren sighs, moving his hand away from Tokiya’s wrist and down to Tokiya’s knee, squeezing it. Tokiya closes his eyes. 

“We’ll get you home soon so you can rest.” Ren promises. Tokiya nods. 

It’s only a few moments later when Ranmaru returns. Ren pulls away from the pharmacy once he’s buckled up. 

Tokiya wants to go inside and lie down, but he’s stopped when he notices a sign on the door. He ignores his tired, aching body to walk ahead of Ren and Ranmaru to take the paper off the door, and he feels his heart sink. 

An eviction notice. 

He had almost never been late on payments, but maybe he had been short? He had been out of work for a while. He had given up food for rent payments, but was it still not enough? 

What was he going to do?

Ranmaru walks up and takes the paper out of Tokiya’s hands. It must have been something on Tokiya’s face. Ranmaru’s face would harden. “Tokiya, I wish you would tell us about these things. How long have you been struggling with rent?”

“I didn’t know I was.” Tokiya admits quietly. “I knew I’d have trouble with the upcoming payment, but I had no idea I’d be evicted. This came as a surprise to me, too.”

“It’s fine.” Ren says quietly. “I was going to ask you to move in with us, anyways. I’d like to keep you close so that we can care for you properly.” 

“I-”

Ranmaru cuts him off. “Don’t tell us you don’t wanna bother us, either. It’s only gonna make it easier on us. We’ll be watchin’ you no matter what. At least this way we don’t need to make our way over ‘ere anymore.”

“We’ve been wanting to ask you to live with us for quite some time, too.” Ren adds. 

"We _’ave_.” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit dry. “‘Sides. If you're that worried about us payin' for your treatment- you should want 't make sure you're gettin' proper care. It won't help much, if you're not takin' care 'a yourself right, anyways. 'N when you're this sick-" Ranmaru trails off, his point made.

Tokiya hesitates. He doesn’t know where else he could go if he were to get evicted. “I could go to work.” He says quietly. “So I could at least pay part of your rent, if you’re that insistent on me staying with you.”

“The only payment we need is for you to focus on getting better.” Ren says, his voice final. “The last thing we want is for you to go to work, push yourself and get worse.”

Ranmaru grunts his agreement. Tokiya is silent for another few seconds, and then he sighs. “Alright.”

“For now, we’ll bring you inside to rest. We’ll take you with us when we go back, and Ran and I can take care of your things.” Ren says, taking Tokiya’s keys from Tokiya’s pocket and opening the door. He sets a hand on Tokiya’s back, leading him in, and Tokiya is too tired to do anything but let Ren move him through the door. He goes directly to lay down on his bed, though he hears paper ripping and the fridge door opening. His eyes are already closed. 

“C’mon. Sit up real fast.” Ranmaru’s hand is on the underside of Tokiya’s shoulder, pressing against it to get him to sit up. Tokiya somehow manages it, and Ranmaru removes his hand from Tokiya’s shoulder. Tokiya opens his eyes to see Ranmaru holding a small pill and a bottle of water that he’s currently opening. Tokiya takes the pill, downing it and taking a swallow of water, turning to put it on the bedside table so he can move to lie down again. Ranmaru doesn’t stop him. 

When Tokiya wakes up, he feels just a bit better. A wave of unease rushes through him when he realizes that his first treatment was only later that day, and all he can think about is the doctor’s comment- that it’s going to get worse before it gets better. 

Tokiya rubs his eyes with the back of his hand, but he’s a bit startled to realize that he isn’t in his own bed. “Ren?” Tokiya’s voice is sleepy. 

“Huh?” It’s not Ren, but Ranmaru’s groggy and is coming from behind him. Tokiya manages to turn. He’s still not feeling _well_ but after feeling so unwell for so long, he could handle this. Ranmaru is blinking slowly, trying to wake himself up. 

“Am I-?” Tokiya pauses, but Ranmaru catches on and picks it up for him. 

“Yeah, we just brought ya ‘t our apartment. Yer appointment’s still a couple hours away, but you passed out when we got back.” Tokiya must have, if they managed to bring him here without waking him up. If he had woken up at all during it, he couldn’t remember. 

“It’s going to be miserable.” Tokiya mumbles, but it makes Ranmaru frown. 

“I know it’s not gonna be easy, babe, but if this treatment keeps yer diagnosis from bein’ _terminal_...”

“I know.” Tokiya mumbles. He curls up on himself, but Ranmaru moves closer. Tokiya stays quiet for a long moment, and his eyes close as his eyebrows furrow. When he speaks, his voice is soft. “Would you come to the appointment with me?”

There’s a second of silence, because Ranmaru _hadn’t_ expected Tokiya to ask him that, but then he gives an affirmative grunt. “‘Course I will, babe.”

The first treatment was unpleasant, but it’s a weekly treatment for the next few months, and after the first few, Tokiya is in bed as much, if not more, than he had been before the treatment. Ranmaru had actually taken off work to watch over Tokiya- and he was the one that accompanied Tokiya to his appointments, too. 

It’s always been for support, from the first visit, but now Tokiya isn’t sure that he’d make it through the sessions without him. Tokiya had actually read, during the first two sessions in the private room they had given him after hooking him up to an IV, but by the third session, Ranmaru had started to read to him because just reading had begun to feel like too much work. 

Tokiya feels terrible through all the sessions, but no matter what he tells his doctor about them, the doctor insists that, unfortunately, that’s how this tended to go. 

It wasn’t until nearly a month after the last treatment that Tokiya had actually begun to show any improvement. He’s still bed ridden for quite some time, only getting up occasionally when Ranmaru or Ren force him up, to keep him from being stuck in bed for far longer after losing his muscle mass- but eventually he’s able to move around the apartment easier. When he lays down, it feels like a relief- which was bliss compared to the previously unending pain and discomfort, no matter what position he found himself in. 

He notices Ranmaru’s occasional sighs- more relieved than anything else, and he notices Ren’s smiles soften. It gets to the point where they’re _supporting_ him, rather than _carrying_ him. 

It’s nearly a month after he had actually begun to feel _better_, well enough to even step outside of the apartment for short periods of time, when Ren approaches him. Ren insists they speak in the living room, and Tokiya notices Ranmaru already sitting in one of the chairs as Ren leads him to the couch. 

“You look so much better.” Ren’s sigh is definitely relieved as he takes Tokiya’s hand in both of his. He squeezes Tokiya’s hand gently. The doctor had told Tokiya that while he needed to be careful with it, because Tokiya _was_ still sick, he was no longer considered “terminal”. Ren lifts Tokiya’s hand to press a kiss to the back of his knuckles. “I’d like to formally invite you to live with us, baby.”

Tokiya’s head tilts, confused. “Aren’t I already?”

Ranmaru gives a low chuckle, and Ren gives a sheepish grin. “I can’t say that I regret our choice to _make_ you- but we _did_ make you. I’d like to have you living here with us because that’s what you want to do.”

“Of course.” Tokiya’s response is faster than even he could have hoped, but Ren’s adoring smile and Ranmaru’s subtle, fond expression gets a small smile to grow on Tokiya’s face before. Tokiya’s tone turns teasing- just a bit. “And here I was, thinking I was in trouble.”

Ranmaru’s returning smirk is definitely teasing as well. “We were thinkin’ about it, but I guess I’ll let ya off easy.”

Ren’s eye roll is amused. “Just this once.”


	64. Chapter Sixty-Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS !!!!!   
this fic is one of the darker ones !! abuse and sexual abuse warning!! theres also some almost nsfw in here   
nothing detailed but still

Ren was curled in on himself, cold and alone in a mostly dark alley. His eyes burned with tears that were already starting to make their way down his cheeks. He was hurt, he could feel the stab wound situated above his hip, and it was a type of pain he had never felt- and unfortunately he wasn't a stranger to pain. He had been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and he was missing his phone and his wallet. He had forgotten his keys at home or he probably wouldn’t have those either. 

Ren hears walking, somewhere near where he was. He was terrified to call out, because he was scared of being hurt again, but he was too injured to go find himself help and it was getting later and there were going to be less people around. He’d have to take his chances. 

He’d wait until the footsteps were close enough that the person should be able to hear him, and he’d call out in a shaking voice. “Hello?” He’d blink back some of his tears. “Please, I-I need help.” Ren worries that he wasn’t loud enough, but the footsteps would falter, and then speed up. At first Ren wonders if the person is leaving, and a resigned feeling washes over him. And then he notices a figure begin to approach him. 

Ren’s heart stops when he catches sight of the person’s face, because he knows this person. 

Not directly. They’ve never met in person, because Ren was a chef, still living with the man that had taken him in as a teenager, and the man before Ren, Ranmaru Kurosaki, was an idol in a beloved idol group called Quartet Night. Ren was an undeniable fan, but this wasn’t at all what he wanted. 

Not even in his darkest fantasies would he hope to meet the rocker when he was this vulnerable. Ren was a fairly attractive person, but not now, with his face bleeding and beaten in, and his white shirt covered in dirt and blood, his face covered in his own tears, cowering in on himself like a scared child. Why now, would Ren get to meet his idol? Why now, when he was in one of the worst, most pitiful states of his life? But he couldn’t just not ask for help. He wasn’t sure when his next chance would be. 

His hands hover over the injured area over his stomach, and he’d press his face into the ground. Ranmaru crouches down. 

“Shit.” Ranmaru mutters, his eyes wide. Ren gets a good look at his eyes for just a second, the mix of grey and pink. They were pretty, up close. 

“Could you… call for help?” Ren winces as he spoke, and as soon as the word ‘call’ had left his mouth Ranmaru would have shifted to pull out his cellphone. 

Ren closes his eyes, listening to the tone of Ranmaru’s deep voice rather than his words. Ren hoped that he wasn’t dying and just overreacting. That seemed like something that he would do. But when he was in this much pain, it was hard to tell. He’d hear Ranmaru speak for a moment, and then he’d feel a hand on his shoulder, and a gentle pressure as Ranmaru squeezes his shoulder. 

“Hey, c’mon, stay awake.” Ren opens his eyes, trying to focus back on Ranmaru’s face. “An ambulance is on the way. Y'should stay awake ‘til they get here.”

Ren blinks. Ranmaru seemed concerned. He seems like a nice guy. Ren is stuck on the thought that he wishes he could meet the idol in any other way. Even in a meet and greet, where he’d only see him for a second. If it was a meet and greet that Ranmaru didn't just skip. The thought would normally bring an amused smile to Ren's face.

Ren notices Ranmaru settle on the ground, and he can find it in him to feel surprised through the pain. 

“Thanks.” Ren says, his voice strained. “For all of your help.” Ren swallows. “But you don’t have to stay.”

“Then who’s gonna make sure you get into the ambulance?” Ranmaru’s voice is a bit gruff. “Are you still bleeding?” Ranmaru’s eyes have travelled down to where Ren’s hands are holding his stomach, and Ren pulls back his hands to reveal fresh blood staining his palms. Ranmaru doesn’t need a verbal answer as he begins to shrug off his jacket. When he bundles it up, Ren blinks again. He’d shake his head, or move, but he’s run out of energy. 

“No, don’t ruin your jacket for me.”

“If it’s still bleedin', you’ve gotta stop it. It’s fine. It’s just a jacket.” Ranmaru presses the now bundled up fabric against Ren’s wound, and Ren makes a face and gives a deep wince. 

Ren looks up at Ranmaru’s face. His eyebrows are furrowed, his eyes narrowing with the action and the focus he has. Ren was glad to see that Ranmaru seemed like a decent person, outside of the spotlight. As much as Ren hated to be seen like this by someone he looked up to, he couldn’t deny that he’d never forget this. His respect for Ranmaru would always run much deeper than it already ran. 

Ren would hear the sirens in the distance, and Ranmaru grabs Ren’s hand, moving it to hold onto the jacket. “Press down. I’m gonna make sure they know where you are.” Ranmaru stands, and Ren applies a weak pressure. Ranmaru stands out in a more open spot, and it’d only take a few moments for a stretcher to be unloaded and led to Ren. Ren lets his eyes close as he’s loaded on the stretcher and into the ambulance. 

He doesn’t have a chance to return the jacket. 

The next time that Ren runs into Ranmaru is a few weeks after he had been released, and he wouldn’t have approached him. 

Ranmaru does, however, approach Ren. 

Ren would have been shocked that Ranmaru remembered him, but Ren guesses that it isn’t easy to forget the face of someone whose life you saved. 

“Glad to see you made it out.” Ren jumps at the gruff comment made behind him. He turns around- he had just been out window shopping. A little closer to the incident than he would have liked to be, but he lived near here, so it was unavoidable. His eyes widen a bit, but even without the haze of pain, he was able to push aside his star struck feelings and respond as if he didn’t know Ranmaru as Ranmaru Kurosaki, the rock star. 

As if he didn’t own every album, or a few small pins. 

Ren smiles. “All thanks to you. I’m afraid I wasn’t able to get all of the blood out of your jacket.” Ren’s lips curve downward, into a frown. “I don’t have anything on me right now, but I can certainly pay you back.” It wouldn’t be an easy task, but he’d figure it out. He felt terrible that he couldn’t get the jacket cleaned, even before he thought that there had even been a chance that he’d meet Ranmaru again. 

“If you really wanna pay me back, y’could give me your number.”

Ren blinks. “Are you sure?” He doesn’t mean to sound so incredulous. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’d be happy to give you my number- but I can’t say that sounds like fair payment.”

“I think it’s a pretty even deal.”

Maybe if it were the other way around, Ren thinks, but he doesn’t say that aloud. “If you insist.” There’s certainly a look on his face that shows, very clearly, that he’s more than happy to give Ranmaru his number. 

Ranmaru reaches into his pocket and he takes out his phone, swiping the screen and tapping into his contacts fairly quickly. He passes his phone to Ren. 

It’s surreal, putting his number into Ranmaru Kurosaki’s phone. 

Thank god that Ren was good at playing it cool. 

He’d hand Ranmaru’s phone back. Ren puts his full name, mostly because he hadn’t even introduced himself to Ranmaru. Not properly. But then again, he was dying when they met. Possibly literally. 

Ranmaru makes a noise, and he’d glance at the contact, making sure it’s saved, before slipping it into his pocket again. “I can’t stick around any longer, but I’ll give ya a call, Ren. Glad 't see you’re alright.”

Ranmaru does call him. Later that night, actually. 

Their first conversation would have lasted almost four hours, and after the first ten minutes the conversation had gone incredibly smooth. By the time they hung up, around eleven at night, they had a lunch date scheduled. 

Their relationship progresses into friendship quickly. They got along, and their conversations always seemed to flow smoothly. They spent a lot of time at Ranmaru’s house- Ren would offer his house but he didn’t live alone. 

There was that- and the very first time Ranmaru came over was extremely embarrassing. Ren wasn’t easily embarrassed, but Ranmaru had found his small Quartet Night collection incredibly quickly, despite Ren attempting to move it out of the way. 

Ranmaru had chuckled, walking towards the cd that had caught his eye. Ren wouldn’t have stopped him, mostly because he hadn’t realized what Ranmaru was laughing at until he had walked closer to the shelf that Ren pushed his things back onto. 

“Cute.” Ranmaru comments. 

“What can I say? I’m a fan.” Ren’s face had a red undertone to it. 

That was a moment Ren wasn’t sure he’d be able to forget. Ranmaru didn’t take it in a bad way, thank God, but Ren would prefer to not ever have that happen again. 

It only takes a few months for Ranmaru to come forward and tell Ren that he had feelings for him. 

Ren had certainly grown attached to Ranmaru, too. It did start with the incredible, unbelievable feeling of hanging out with Ranmaru Kurosaki, the idol, but he had felt the shift very early on, when he started getting excited to hang out with Ran, the friend that he had grown to truly care about. 

Ren told Ranmaru that he had absolutely felt the same, and they had started dating. 

Ren learns that Ranmaru was nervous in relationships, because he was worried about his past ones. The girls that had used him for his fame, and for the money they thought he had. Ranmaru had told Ren about this, in as much detail as he was comfortable sharing, before they had started dating. It hurt Ren to hear how scarred Ranmaru had gotten in relationships, and he vowed to never be that person. 

It wasn’t hard. 

Ren had never been that type of person. 

Ren didn’t live anywhere nice, and the money he was making as a chef was hardly enough to live on- he had never mentioned any of this to Ranmaru. He thinks Ranmaru might have gotten a hint when he stopped by Ren’s small, shabby, shared apartment, but that was the closest Ren gets to sharing his situation. 

Ren mostly opens up to Ranmaru, too. There were some things he couldn’t tell him, but he does tell Ranmaru a bit about his home life. 

It would have been after they had already been dating, with Ren tucked under Ranmaru’s arm on Ranmaru’s couch. A movie was on but neither man was really watching it. 

“So who do y'live with?” Ranmaru asks. “A roommate? Or was he your dad..?”

Ranmaru had never met him, had only seen pictures, and heard some stories. Ren didn’t speak about Shichiro very often. 

“It’s a bit complicated.” Ren says, his eyebrows furrowing at the resurfacing memories. “When I was younger I ran away from my family. I… haven’t spoken to them in years. I lost my mother when I was just a kid, and my father wanted me to become an idol, and I wasn’t ready, so, I ran. I was homeless for a while, but I was only fourteen. I couldn’t get a job, I wasn’t going to school… and then Shichiro found me and he gave me a place to live.”

“And what do you feel about him?”

“...I don’t know.” Ren admits. “I’m eternally grateful, and that won’t change. It’s why I’m still there. To help, I suppose.”

Ranmaru makes a noise, but that’s where that part of the conversation would end. 

Things had shifted into a different light the first time that Ren let Ranmaru sleep over. Everything had gone fine, and Ren thoroughly enjoyed having Ranmaru sleep in his bed. Having Ranmaru’s arms wrapped around him as he slept. 

Ranmaru had come back from the bathroom in the middle of the night, and he’d have brushed a hand against Ren’s lower back. It was an innocent touch, more than anything it was him letting Ren know he was back, because Ren had shifted when Ranmaru had gotten up. 

But Ren tenses, and Ranmaru can see him swallow, and see his hands clench against his pillow, his eyes closing tightly. 

Ren shifts, pulling his knees under him to lift himself up, with a grace that shows this isn't his first time pulling this pose. When he speaks, he sounds mostly asleep, but his voice is scared, and almost childlike. 

“Please just get it over with fast.” His voice is so quiet. Ranmaru can’t see his face anymore, he’s turned into the pillow. 

“Ren?” Ranmaru’s voice is confused, and Ren jumps, seemingly snapping awake. 

“Ran?” Ren’s voice is tired, but it’s just a bit too high. He’d flip around, falling as he does, moving as quickly as his only just awake body lets him, trying to lower his hips first, facing Ranmaru in the dark. His face is drawn in. “I’m sorry, Ran, I thought you... “ Ren sighs. “I’m sorry.”

A lot of feelings go through Ranmaru, and his voice comes out careful. “You thought I what, Ren?”

“I thought you were Shichiro.” Ren admits quietly. He wasn't nearly as asleep now, having sobered enough to feel awake. 

“I… we’re gonna talk about this in the morning, Ren. It’s too late tonight, and we shouldn’t talk here.” Ranmaru's voice has dropped an octave. He’d actually nudge Ren to move further back into the bed, which leaves Ranmaru closer to the door, and Ranmaru holds him protectively. 

Ren is too numb to get upset. He lets Ranmaru hold him, and when Ranmaru calms himself down, as much as he can, he begins quietly humming. Ren doesn’t even mean to fall asleep, but between the humming and the warmth of Ranmaru’s grip, he does. 

Ranmaru hasn’t moved at all when Ren wakes up, even though Ranmaru is awake. He’s clearly lost in thought. Ren nuzzles into Ranmaru’s neck, and Ranmaru’s hand raises to carefully comb his fingers through Ren’s tangled, disheveled hair. 

“I know you just woke up, but we should leave soon. Soon as you’re awake.” 

Ren lets out a soft hum of understanding, but he has to take a minute before he can finally bring himself to pull away from Ranmaru. 

Ren is nervous. Like he’s a child about to be scolded. Ren gets dressed in fresh clothes, and Ranmaru gets dressed in his clothes from last night that he had slung over a chair. Ranmaru grabs Ren’s hand, holding it tightly, and he’d keep Ren near him, even going through the apartment. 

“We can pick up food on the way to my place.” Ranmaru mutters, trying not to disturb the quiet of the apartment. 

Ren simply nods and remains quiet. They’d leave, and true to Ranmaru’s word, they’d stop by a quick place and get two meals to go. Ranmaru insists on carrying the bag. 

Ren couldn’t eat when he was stressed out, but he knew that Ranmaru was the opposite- when Ranmaru was stressed out, he ate a lot. 

Ranmaru wastes very little time in talking to Ren once they’re inside of Ranmaru’s house. “Ren, what was that last night?”

Ren doesn’t bother playing dumb. He frowns. “It’s… a long, complicated story. It’s not an easy one to tell or an easy one to listen to.”

“I’ve got as long as it takes.” Ranmaru says, his voice serious. They’d sit on the couch, Ren cross legged, his posture small. 

Surprisingly, Ranmaru isn’t touching his food yet, either. He’s just sitting on the couch, one leg up, turned towards Ren. 

Ren lets out a sigh. “I told you a while ago that I was fourteen when I ran away, and Shichiro had taken me in. He treated me like a son until I had turned seventeen, and he had then… started making inappropriate comments. Comments about my body, or asking about details on intimate relationships. He would encourage me to take things further, so that I could tell him about it. And then he started telling me that I was being ungrateful, staying in his house and not giving anything for it. He arranged a deal with me.” Ren’s voice is very quiet. It’s almost detached. “I could pay him with my body, and everything could continue on as it had been. I agreed. Now I pay him with actual money- most of my paychecks, and it has lessened the nightly visits, but it hasn’t stopped them completely. I just close my eyes and do my best to ignore it. It’s the easiest way for things to stay normal. ...It does make me regret leaving my family.” Ren’s eyes are shining with tears. “It’s too late for them to take me back, but I had thought that they weren’t treating me fairly.” Ren lets out a noise that is half of a dry laugh and half of a choked sob. “Clearly I was wrong. But this was a situation I had gotten myself into. I don’t like it, and I know it isn’t right, but I don’t have another option. Back then my choices were to deal with it or to live on the streets, but now my options aren’t much different.”

Ranmaru is quiet for a very long time. Ren watches Ranmaru’s expression shift as Ren speaks. Serious, livid, frustrated… sad. “Why didn’t you tell me this was happening, Ren?” Ranmaru’s eyebrows are furrowed. 

“I know it’s wrong, Ran. I know it’s disgusting. It makes me feel disgusting. But it isn’t your responsibility to deal with, and I didn’t feel right burdening you with this. And..” Ren’s own eyebrows furrow. He swallows hard, “I guess I was scared, too. It’s abuse. I’m fully aware that it is, but I’m still terrified telling you, because I’m… I’m still sleeping with another man. It may not be my choice, but that’s something I can’t take back. That’s not something that I can predict how you’ll take, because it’s something that should never have been an issue. And God, do I wish it wasn’t.”

Ranmaru’s face is almost blank. There are too many emotions he’s trying to process. “I… dunno know where to begin, Ren. I wanna tell ya that ’m not holdin’ any of this against you. I can’t understand it. I can’t even start to. I’ve never gone through anythin’ like this, and I can’t pretend that I know what I’d do if I had 'ta. I’m… glad y'know it isn’t right. And I know you don’t think it’s my responsibility, but I wanna take care of you, Ren. I wanna make sure you’re safe. I want 't help you through this, and I want 't take you outta the dangerous situation. I know it ain't easy to leave, and I can tell you feel resigned.” Ranmaru rubs his face with his hands, and then he grabs onto Ren’s knee, his face dead serious. “You’ve tried to deal with it yourself, and you did the best you could. Now I’m askin’ you to let me help you, because you need help. I can’t let this continue, Ren, 'n it sounds like you don’t want it to continue either.”

“But how, Ran?” Ren’s face is drawn tight, pained. “There isn’t a way to help me.”

“Move out. Move in with me. Away from him.” Ranmaru’s eyes haven’t dropped from Ren’s. 

“I want to. Believe me, I want to just say yes, but I can’t afford-”

“I don’t expect you to pay me anythin’, Ren.”

“I don’t want to use you, Ran. I don’t ever want to seem like I am.” Ren says quietly. “I’m afraid that everything I’m telling you sounds like a ploy.”

“Well is it?”

“Of course not.” Ren’s voice is hardly a whisper. 

“Then I want you 't move in. I don’t need you to pay me. It’s payment enough knowin’ that you’re safe. And we’re serious, Ren. If you’re honest with me when you tell me how you feel, then our relationship is serious. This is for your safety, and it’s also 'cause I _wanna_ live with you, Ren. Havin’ you with me is enough. That sounds fuckin’ sappy, but I mean it.” Ranmaru leans forward, and he presses his lips to Ren’s. It’s a short kiss, more for meaning than anything else. Ranmaru rests his forehead against Ren’s. “I mean it. All of it. I fuckin’ love you, Ren. Just move in with me, and be safe. For you, and for me. Please.”

Ren’s eyes shine with tears. “Alright. I will. I… I love you, too, Ran. Genuinely, with all of my heart.”

It's only later that day when Ranmaru insists on going to get Ren’s things. 

“Today?” Ren is genuinely surprised. 

“Of course.” Ranmaru’s already moving to get his keys. He has his own car, not that he normally uses it. Ren doesn’t have much, but it would be difficult to carry it on the ten minute walk to Ranmaru’s house- so it makes sense that he’d use the car. 

Or, that Ren would. Because Ranmaru hands the keys over to Ren. 

Ren had his license, because he had gotten it when he was younger, though he didn’t have enough money for a car. He did miss driving, back when Shichiro had a car, in the times he’d let Ren drive it around. 

“I want you outta there as soon as possible.” Ren takes the keys as Ranmaru speaks. 

“Alright... “ Ren hesitantly takes the keys. Ranmaru just heads back to the door to get on his shoes. Ren feels almost a bit nervous. He did love Ranmaru. He certainly wasn’t lying when he said that he did- but it still felt strange, to move in with Ranmaru in the span of one day. Though he supposes that he almost did live at Ranmaru’s house- he was here just as much as he was at his own house. Some of his clothing was already here, for nights that it got too late. 

If it were dark outside, the only way that Ren would go home was if Ranmaru drove him. It wasn’t only Ranmaru’s rule, it was the only thing that made Ren comfortable. He was good at pretending like all of the trauma he had gone through hadn’t happened to him, but he couldn’t walk alone down the street during the night without shaking. Without expecting to be attacked. He had problems in the day, sometimes, too. Ranmaru understood. Ranmaru was the one that found him, after all. 

Ranmaru’s car was very… Ranmaru. It was nothing fancy; a bit of a clunker for a car. But the AC worked and the radio worked and the car drove, and that was more than enough for Ranmaru. Ren gets into the driver’s side as Ranmaru got into the passenger. This wasn’t the first time Ren had driven Ranmaru’s car- but every time still felt a bit strange. It was still nice to drive. 

Ren’s grip tightens a bit on the wheel as he parks on the street in front of the small house that was his. There was another car- he had hoped Shichiro would be at work, but he wouldn’t be that lucky. 

Ranmaru notices how tense Ren gets, and his expression gets guarded. 

In and out, Ren promises himself as he turns off the car and gets out. Ranmaru follows, and Ren stops long enough to close the doors, and he’d go to lock them, but Ranmaru stops him. 

“Don’t bother. We’re gonna be right back out.”

Ren nods, and he’d pocket the keys without thinking about it. Ranmaru notices, but he doesn’t seem to care. Ren walks inside, trying the door first to see that it’s unlocked. He wondered if he’d be back here, and when. Ranmaru’s hand raises to Ren’s back, his thumb running between his shoulder blades before he drops his hand. Ren walks inside. 

Nothing had really changed- all of his nerves were coming from getting caught leaving. Especially when it was this out of nowhere. The living room is empty, and walking to his room is an easy task. With Ranmaru’s help, they get packing done in less than ten minutes. Ren had two backpacks and a duffle bag, and he’d fill up all three bags with things. The only other thing that he had that he needed to bring was a blanket, passed down to him from his mother, too big to fit in any of the bags if he wanted to put anything but the blanket in them. There were some other things, like his desk lamp or dresser, or various other furniture objects, things that he felt a bit sad leaving behind but there wasn’t any real value to them, besides perhaps monetary. He didn’t need his sheets. It felt strange, because they were things that he had bought himself that he was now just leaving, but it wasn’t as if he wouldn’t have a bed. 

It would just be Ranmaru’s. 

Funny enough, he _was_ going to leave his dartboard, deciding that it was too large, but Ranmaru grabs it, as well as two of Ren’s bags. 

“I can carry more than this, Ran.” Ren had been left with a backpack and his blanket. Ranmaru shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just go.”

Ren nods, and Ren leads the way out. 

Shichiro has moved to the couch, and at first it was just a glance in their direction, and then his eyebrows raise. 

“Where are you going?” He’d ask. “Why do you have all of your stuff?”

“I’m moving in with Ranmaru. It was… a recent decision. I hadn’t had a chance to bring it up to you.”

Ren can feel Ranmaru’s anger, and he can’t even see Ranmaru’s face. Ren is purely nerves. Unfortunately, guilt trips worked on him. Especially with Shichiro- because Shichiro was a reason that Ren wasn’t dead. He could have starved in the streets, alone. 

“You’re leaving me? After everything I’ve done to help you?”

Ren swallows hard. He feels his grip on his blanket tighten. “This isn’t anything against you. I… I won’t be far, anyways. And if you’re dependent on my rent checks, I can still help, if that’s what you’re upset about.” 

Ren can really feel Ranmaru’s anger, now. He feels like he can hear Ranmaru’s jaw clench. 

“I can come visit, too, if you’ll have me.” Ren offers, his voice a bit quiet. He can feel Ranmaru’s patience wearing thin- and it worries Ren, because he knows that Ranmaru isn’t losing his patience with Ren. “But I’m afraid we need to leave now. If there’s more to be said, I’d be happy to have this conversation with you later.”

Shichiro’s expression tightens and his lips press into a thin line. “Alright. I’m going to hold you to that.”

Ren and Ranmaru leave, and Ren can feel Shichiro’s eyes on his back. Ren’s head is ducked more than it should be, and he retreats, like a dog with its tail between his legs. 

Ren opens the backdoor for Ranmaru to set his things in the backseat, but Ranmaru waits for Ren to drop off what he’s holding first, so Ren does so quickly. Ranmaru sets the rest of his things in the car. 

“You need me to drive?” Ranmaru’s voice is gruff. Ren nods. He would be able to drive, but he wouldn’t be able to answer Ranmaru while he was behind the wheel, and he knew that Ranmaru had things he wanted to say. Ren appreciated that Ranmaru held himself together in the house. Ren didn’t want to cause anymore problems, because he had already caused enough. Ren takes the keys from his pockets and hands them to Ranmaru. Ranmaru wouldn’t even get into the car until Ren had climbed in. Ren was still holding his blanket. He hadn’t tossed it in the back. 

Ren is very quiet. It’s guilt. Somewhere in him he knows that he shouldn’t be guilty, but it doesn’t stop the feelings. 

“Just so y'know, Ren.” Ranmaru says, his voice serious. “You don’t owe him anythin’. Not your time, or your money. If he really gave a shit about you, he wouldn’t be holdin' what he’s done for you over your head like that.”

“Like you.” Ren says quietly. “You’ve done so much for me and you always act like it’s nothing.”

Ren can see Ranmaru’s eyes soften. He continues looking at the road, but one of his hands moves to Ren’s knee to squeeze it. 

Ranmaru stays silent, long enough to pull into his garage. When he gets out, he’d walk over to Ren’s side. Ren had gotten out himself, and his eyebrows furrow at Ranmaru, but Ranmaru pulls Ren closer to himself. Ren is a bit taller than Ranmaru, but it hardly feels like it. Especially when Ranmaru presses his lips against Ren’s forehead and holds him, his arms wrapped tightly around Ren. 

“I don’t want you goin’ back.” Ranmaru admits. “But if you really don’t feel right if you don’t, I wanna come with you.”

“Alright.” Ren relaxes into Ranmaru’s embrace. One of his arms is pressed to his chest, holding his blanket, but the other has returned Ranmaru’s embrace, holding onto his shirt. 

Later that night was the first night that they had taken it all the way. They’d gotten close before, but Ren typically pulls back. To find a way to keep them from going further without making Ranmaru feel bad about it. 

Neither of them had expected it to go any further, but they had been in bed, Ranmaru mostly on top of Ren, wrapped around each other, Ranmaru’s lips pressed to Ren’s. Ren’s hands trail just below Ranmaru’s shirt, his fingertips pressed against the skin above Ranmaru’s jeans. 

Ranmaru moves, to press kisses against Ren’s jaw. Ren wasn’t overly interested in marking Ranmaru, but he had very quickly learned that Ranmaru liked to mark Ren. It was lucky that it ran that way, because Ranmaru could leave marks on Ren, but Ren couldn’t leave marks on Ranmaru. Ren’s chef jacket covered most of his skin, so Ranmaru could leave marks higher up, on Ren’s shoulders, lower neck and collar bone, but Ren had to be very careful, should he ever leave any marks on Ranmaru- because as an idol, it was best to avoid that.

Ren was getting some marks tonight, though, entertainingly enough, Ranmaru was so gentle today with marking Ren. When he had gotten to the crook of Ren’s neck, he’d have nipped gently, alternating between kissing the spot, sucking lightly, nipping at it and running his tongue over the skin to soothe it until he would have made a red mark, and then he’d have moved to another spot. He’d leave Ren underneath him, breathing out shakily, holding onto Ranmaru. 

Ren’s eyes are lidded, and his face is adoring. When Ranmaru finally pulls away from Ren’s skin, Ren cups Ranmaru’s face and pull him closer, to press his lips against Ranmaru’s. 

“I love you.” Ren mumbles against Ranmaru’s lips. 

“I love you, too.” Ranmaru presses forward, and his kiss is a bit rougher. Ren’s hands have moved, down to Ranmaru’s stomach and up it, towards his chest, pulling Ranmaru’s shirt up with his movements. 

Ranmaru makes a noise, a bit like a contented sigh, and he pulls back a bit. “Careful.” Ranmaru’s voice is deeper. “You keep touchin’ me like that and I might get some ideas.”

Ren smirks, his tongue moving across his lips. He’s nervous. He always gets nervous- but today he pushes through that. “Sounds like you’re getting the right kind of ideas, then.”

Ranmaru chuckles, and he shakes his head, but then he turns more serious. “Is that really what you want, Ren?”

“If it’s with you, then yes. It is.”

Ranmaru leans down, but his kiss is softer. “If it gets too much, let me know, Ren.”

“Of course.” Ren’s hands move back down, to Ranmaru’s sides, and then up his back, holding Ranmaru closer to him. Ranmaru catches himself on his forearms before Ren can completely bring him down, but his chest is still pressed to Ren's. 

After a moment of that position, Ren gets Ranmaru out of his shirt. 

Ranmaru isn’t obvious about it, but he’s worried, and he’s being so gentle with Ren- and Ren doesn’t want to admit it, but right now, he isn’t sure that he could handle anything but. 

It’s a slow process, and they have to stop multiple times. Ranmaru stills and offers to stop anytime Ren’s expression flickers, and gives him a long moment to regain himself each time, though every time Ranmaru offers to stop, Ren begs him not to. 

Ranmaru also had to stop Ren from turning over, catching Ren’s chin with a gentle grip, stopping the turning of Ren’s body with Ranmaru’s own. “I wanna see your face, Ren.” Ranmaru mumbles, his nose brushing against Ren’s. 

Ren gives an almost sheepish laugh. “Are you sure?”

The corner of Ranmaru’s lips turn down at the corner but he holds himself together enough to keep his frown small. “I want this ‘t be a good thing fer both of us, Ren.” Ranmaru lets his head drop, to press soft, dry kisses to Ren’s jaw, and Ren’s hands wrap around Ranmaru’s chest. “‘N you don’t have ‘t go all ‘a the way, y’know. I’d rather see your face ‘n know you’re not pushin’ yourself. Peace ‘a mind. Hopefully for both of us.”

“God, I don’t deserve you.” Ren breathes out. 

It had taken a long time- longer than either of them had ever taken, but in the end, they had ended up going all of the way. 

When Ranmaru sees Ren’s expression he’s glad. It’s tired, but it’s content- there are none of the expressions on Ren’s face that he had seen the night before. Ranmaru had been admittedly worried, that Ren may end up regretting it and that Ranmaru wouldn’t have realized until too late- but there’s no regret anywhere in Ren’s expression. Ren is curled against Ranmaru, his hair wild, his face pressed against Ranmaru’s shoulder and a small, sleepy smile on his face. Ranmaru almost forgets he’s staring until Ren opens an eye and glances up at him. 

“Enjoying the view?” Ren’s smile turns teasing. 

“Yeah.”

The answer gets a laugh out of Ren, but he lets his eyes close again.

It’s less than a week later that Ranmaru catches Ren sitting on the couch with his legs pulled up to his chest, chewing on the corner of his lip. 

“Oi.” Ren jumps when Ranmaru speaks, and he flashes a quick smile that doesn’t stay long. Ranmaru sits down next to Ren. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m… just thinking about Shichiro.” Ren admits. “Speaking to him. I feel that I should but…”

“You don’t want to?”

“Not… really. I feel like I still owe him so much- I’d like to believe I’m not a pushover normally.” Ren’s hand goes to run through his hair. Ranmaru turns on the couch to watch Ren. “It’s just different with him. It’s… too easy for him to guilt me.”

Ranmaru’s eyebrows lower. “Then don’t. Don’t go talk ‘t ‘im. ‘R at least give it more time. You don’t owe him shit, Ren.” Ren watches Ranmaru, with a nearly incredulous look that he’s trying to hide. “It’s that easy.” Ranmaru’s voice gentles, just a bit. “If it’s that tough ‘t ignore him, block his number fer a while. He doesn’t know where I live, ‘n even if he figures it out, I’d handle ‘im then. If there’s anythin’ you deserve it’s time ‘t make up yer mind on what you wanna do.”

Ren moves, to pull himself closer to Ranmaru’s side on the couch, and Ranmaru’s arm wraps easily over Ren’s shoulders. Ren takes a long moment to speak, and when he finally does, his voice is vulnerable. “Do you want to know one of the things I regret the most about leaving?” Ranmaru doesn’t answer verbally, but the way that he’s looking at Ren urges him to continue. “When I left, I was close with this boy- Masato. He followed me like a shadow.” Ren’s smile is sad. “I didn’t say anything to him, when I ran away. I just… left. I… I wish I could apologize.”

Ranmaru’s eyes narrow, and the look almost takes Ren aback. “What’s his full name?”

Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “Hijirikawa. Why?”

Ranmaru grunts. “I know ‘im.” 

Ren’s eyes widen. “_Really_?”

“Yeah. Dunno his whole story, but he’s an idol in the same Agency I’m under.”

“I- I can’t believe I hadn’t heard.” Ren’s voice is soft, and almost childlike. 

“If you really wanna apologize that bad, ‘m sure I could pull some strings ‘n get in contact with ‘im. I actually helped him out when he was just gettin’ into the industry.”

“I-” Ren’s voice softens. There’s still a heavy hint of upset, but there’s something else that’s much sweeter in his voice, too. “Thank you, Ran.”

_”Jinguji?_”

“Hijirikawa.” Ren offers an almost sheepish smile. Masato is frozen, but only for a moment. When he suddenly steps forward, Ren thinks that he’s going to be hit- but then Masato wraps his arms around Ren in a hug that’s almost _painful_. 

“We thought you were dead.” Masato hisses. 

Ren hugs Masato back, much softer than Masato had hugged him. “I know. I’m sorry. Forgive me?”

Masato’s silence makes Ren nervous, and then Masato huffs. “You have quite the explaining to do first, _Ren_.”


	65. Chapter Sixty-Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning ; guns, break-in, threats, minor injuries

Masato was dating Ranmaru, though while it had been going on nearly a year and a half, he and Ranmaru still lived separately. 

Masato was regretting that now, hid in his closet with both hands over his mouth. Masato had an alarm in his apartment, and he had completely forgotten to set it that night. That wasn’t something he often did, but he wasn’t even supposed to be home tonight. He was meant to spend the night with Ranmaru, but Ranmaru had felt unwell and Masato had gone back home. 

Ranmaru had been insistent that Masato not come over, even to care for Ranmaru, because he had strep throat and he didn’t want Masato to catch it- but of course, Masato was worried. He didn’t like leaving Ranmaru sick and alone. But he also didn’t want to get sick himself _or_ ignore Ranmaru’s consideration, so while his mind was on what he could do for Ranmaru as soon as Ranmaru were well enough for Masato to return to him he had walked past his alarm system but had only locked his door, only spending enough time on his system to _deactivate_ it, forgetting to reset it to acknowledge that he needed it on.

Masato closes his eyes when the door to his room opens. He had no weapons near him, and his basic self-defense knowledge would be useless against an intruder with a weapon, especially if it were a gun. He hears the man looking through his room, but his eyes fly open when the closet door opens. He’s pressed to the back of it, but any plans of defending himself _really_ go out of the window when there’s a gun aimed directly at his face. 

“Get out of the closet.”

All Masato can tell of the man is that he’s tall, at least taller than Masato, and he’s thin, with brown eyes. Everything else but his lips were covered by a ski mask, and he was dressed in black. He has a short length of rope in the hand that’s not holding the gun. 

“Go kneel by your bed, face against the mattress.”

Masato listens quietly. He knows he needs to listen- because he doesn’t want to imagine the alternative. Masato doesn’t want to die. 

He takes his spot, kneeling on the floor by his bed, wincing when his head is forced into the mattress. The man sets the gun by Masato’s knee, but Masato’s hands are grabbed too quickly, held together by the man’s hands. The rope is uncomfortable and his hands are bound tightly enough to hurt, even holding them still, but the man gets his hands together, and then he leaves Masato kneeling by the bed.

Masato doesn’t move. He waits, until the man finally returns. Masato can tell that the man has looted his house- and Masato is really cursing himself for keeping the few gifts that Ranmaru had given him in one area in his room, because the man had just thrown the box into one of the bags he had brought without even checking it. If he had, he would have noticed that the items had far more sentimental worth than monetary, but it didn’t matter because they were gone and Masato wasn’t stupid enough to believe that Ranmaru wouldn’t tell Masato to just let him take them, when it was the items or Masato’s safety on the line.

It didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, to see them taken. 

Masato freezes again when the gun is pressed against the back of his hair, cool despite his hair keeping it from pressing directly against skin. Masato’s hands tighten into fists, to keep his hands still. 

“If you call the cops, I’ll be back, and I’ll kill you. I’m going to walk out of here, and you’re not going to tell anyone anything.”

“I won’t.” Masato promises quietly. He can’t force his voice to be any louder than it is. 

“Good boy.” The man’s voice makes Masato shudder in the worst kind of way. Masato is relieved when the man finally pulls away, but he stays stone still for a long time- far past when he’s sure the man has already left. And then he shoves his face into his mattress and lets out a sob. 

His shaking begins when his muscles relax. Masato doesn’t mean to be _terrified_, but when faced with _death_, how can he help it? 

Masato isn’t sure that the man really could come back to kill him, or if he’d even know that Masato did call the cops- but Masato isn’t going to. Because if the man were desperate enough, he could have a bullet in Masato’s head before the authorities could respond to Masato’s alarm going off. And while Masato genuinely was upset at the things that he was sure had been taken from him, he was alive, and hardly injured. 

When Masato feels that enough time has passed, he lets himself fall to the floor of his room, and he works on bringing his knees to his chest, lifting his feet to bring his hands underneath him and in front of him. 

Masato doesn’t even work to untie himself before he goes to his front door. His lock was broken, but he manages to shut the door. Luckily, he hadn’t done up the latch, so there’s still _some_ defense on his door that hadn’t been broken, but as soon as the door is closed, he resets the alarm. It’s all awkward, with his hands bound in front of him, but this was his first priority. 

When his door is taken care of, he wants to check his windows but he knows that he needs to free his hands, first- especially because it feels like he’s losing circulation and his fingers aren’t moving as smoothly as they should. He heads into the kitchen and manages to get a chef’s knife from his drawer. It takes some thinking, but he manages to wedge the knife between the wall and the toaster with the blade facing up, and it isn’t easy to saw his way out of the ropes, but just as he’s beginning to get frustrated, a hopeless feeling growing in his stomach, he manages. 

When his hands are free, he flexes his fingers with a wince. His wrists are very red and raw, and his hands are a slightly different color than the rest of his hands, but he flexes his fingers and grabs the knife by the handle. He checks every door and window in his home, making sure that they’re all locked and that the blinds are all closed, and then he takes a chair from his dining table to wedge under his front door before he finally heads back to bed. 

Masato feels unsafe, and for a moment, he considers calling Ranmaru- but he convinces himself out of it. Ranmaru was sick. Even if he weren’t contagious, Masato wouldn’t want him forcing himself over here, and with strep throat, it couldn’t be comfortable to talk on the phone, either. There just wasn’t anything that Ranmaru could do. 

Masato lays down with the knife firmly in his grip. He nearly falls asleep multiple times before he wakes himself up in his fear, gripping onto the knife tightly enough to cut into his hands. 

Masato calls in the next day.

It’s a mixed bag- because Masato still doesn’t feel right the next day, and he knows that it would affect his work badly enough that it would be better if he didn’t show, but he’s still _afraid_, being home alone. 

He isn’t able to sleep that day, either. 

When Masato calls in next, he asks for a few days off. He tries to convince himself that he’ll take that time to get himself over it- but he still spends that day sitting on the couch, watching the door. He hasn’t yet gotten rid of the knife, keeping it with him everywhere he goes in the house. He isn’t sure that he’d really bring himself to stab someone- but desperate times call for desperate measures, and he’s still terrified that the man may come back. Many of Masato’s expensive items were gone, but not everything was- it was possible that the man could return, to finish the job. And Masato still hadn’t called the police. 

Masato hadn’t even gotten around to fixing his door, because he was nervous to have _anyone_ enter his house right now. He does end up falling asleep on his couch for a few hours, but he awakens himself from his nightmare and his eyes don’t leave his door for a good hour after he’s awake. 

Masato doesn’t realize that Ranmaru had been trying to contact him until later that night when he finally checks his phone again- but he doesn’t get a chance to call Ranmaru back. He had a few missed calls, but only one text message. 

** _Ranmaru Kurosaki_ **

** _Ranmaru Kurosaki;_ ** _ im coming over_

Masato’s grip tightens on his phone, but when he does, he drops it with a wince, glancing at his palm. It was covered in cuts- most shallow, but some small and some longer. He jumps when there’s a knock on the door- it’s a pounding knock. Masato is hesitant, even knowing it was likely Ranmaru, but when he glances through the peephole he finally begins to open the door. He removes the chair, undoes the chain and finally turns off the alarm. 

Ranmaru is in almost as soon as Masato opens the door, and then Masato closes the door to chain up the door again and to redo his alarm. Ranmaru’s eyes have landed on the knife at Masato’s side. 

“Masa, why’re you armed? ...With a kitchen knife?”

Ranmaru’s voice is still a bit hoarse, but he _does_ look better than he had the last time Masato had seen him. 

Masato, however, knows he doesn’t- he’s seen himself in the mirror. He’s so pale he looks sickly, and a bit yellowish, and there are very dark bags under his eyes. Because he hasn’t left his home, there are still red rings around his wrists and his palms are covered in cuts. But it’s a heavy reminder when he sees the way Ranmaru is looking at him, so clearly worried. 

When Masato is quiet for too long, Ranmaru’s eyes furrow. 

“I heard you took off ‘a work fer a while. What’s goin’ on?”

“I was robbed.” Masato’s voice breaks. He doesn’t mean for it to, but it isn’t something he can control. “I wasn’t trying to worry anyone. I’ve just… been trying to adjust.”

Ranmaru’s eyes widen, and he walks forward, gently cupping Masato’s face, turning his head to get a better look. “Shit- were you hurt?”

“He tied me up tight enough to mark, but that’s all.”

“...There’s a lot ‘t talk about.” Ranmaru’s eyes do, however, glance down at the red markings on Masato’s wrist. “But you really don’t look good, Masa. I take it you ‘aven’t been sleepin’?”

“It’s been hard.” Masato hangs his head. Ranmaru’s hand doesn’t leave his cheek, but it lowers with Masato’s action. “I’m afraid, being here. But I’m making it hard to leave- I just… am afraid he’s going to come back.” 

Ranmaru’s eyebrows furrow. “If it’s that bad, babe, let’s get yer wrists cleaned up ‘n we can sleep at my place. Would that help?”

“I-” Masato closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath. “I think it would. I… I think not being alone would help.”

“‘Course. C’mon.” Ranmaru is gentle when he takes the knife from Masato, and then his hand moves from Masato’s face to his shoulder, to help lead him along. Masato pauses, not far in. 

“Are you alright?” Masato’s voice is the quietest it’s been yet. “You were very sick.”

“‘M not contagious.” Ranmaru assures. Before Masato can tell him that that wasn’t what he meant, Ranmaru continues. “‘N I’m well enough fer this. ...I would’a been over the minute it happened if I knew, Masa. I don’t care how fuckin’ sick I am.”

Masato frowns, just a bit, but when Ranmaru leads him into the bathroom to sit on the toilet lid, he goes. Ranmaru lays the knife on the bathroom table before he takes out Masato’s first-aid kit to begin bandaging Masato’s wrists, but then his eyes land on Masato’s hands. He only begins to question them as he’s starting to clean and bandage the cuts, too. 

“What’re these from?”

“I’ve been holding the knife while I try to sleep.” Masato admits quietly. “I’ve accidentally gripped the blade a few times, I believe.”

“...A few.” Ranmaru sighs. It seems like Ranmaru wants to say more, but he doesn’t- and Masato doesn’t ask because he knows it’s a scolding. Ranmaru finally finishes, and he squeezes Masato’s shoulder as he stands. “Alright. Let’s get outta ‘ere.”

Masato doesn’t grab anything, and Ranmaru doesn’t tell him to. Masato has some clothes at Ranmaru’s place, and he’s had a toothbrush there for at least half of a year. Ranmaru’s arm moves over Masato’s shoulders, to squeeze Masato to his side for a moment. Ranmaru’s lips land on Masato’s temple for just a few seconds. 

“I’ll keep you safe.” Ranmaru promises quietly. “Nothin’ is gonna happen ‘t you again.”

Masato says nothing. 

Ranmaru calls a car while Masato resets his alarm, though when he forces the door closed, he can’t lock it. He doesn’t like it, but there’s nothing more he can do. 

They don’t talk much in the car, because Masato is focused on staying awake and Ranmaru is too aware. Ranmaru is quick to lead Masato into the bedroom, stopping only long enough for Masato to lock and bolt Ranmaru’s door. He does try to head to the windows, but Ranmaru promises Masato that he knows they’re all locked. They always are. 

When Masato gets into Ranmaru’s bedroom, Ranmaru helps Masato get undressed. It’s easier- considering Masato’s bandaged hands, and Masato can’t complain because he feels better with Ranmaru’s hands on him. 

When Masato is in sleep clothes, Ranmaru urges him towards the bed as Ranmaru gets into sleep clothes of his own before he climbs into bed with Masato. 

Masato curls into Ranmaru, small against Ranmaru’s chest, and Ranmaru just holds him. Ranmaru is on the side of the bed closest to the door. 

Ranmaru gives Masato some time after he’s woken up before Ranmaru asks him about it, but they’re still in the bed when he does. 

“What happened, Masa?”

Masato holds onto Ranmaru tighter as he explains. “I forgot to set my alarm, and the man must have kicked in my door. I tried to hide in my closet but he found me- he held a gun to me and tied my hands. ...Right before he had left, he told me that if I told the authorities anything about him or the robbery that he would kill me.”

“So you ‘aven’t called the cops?” There’s an almost uneasy tone in Ranmaru’s voice.

“...I haven’t.”

“You should.”

“I don’t- what if he figures it out, Ran? I don’t have much to tell them as it is, he was wearing a mask.”

“It’s still worth a try, Masa, if he threatened you ‘n hurt you ‘n stole yer stuff. ...But how long ago was this?”

“Ah… about… two or so days I believe.”

Ranmaru’s grip tightens on Masato so tightly that it’s just shy of uncomfortable. “I know you’re not takin’ it well- but I wanna know the extent, babe. How’re you holdin’ up?”

Masato closes his eyes, and his sigh is shaky. “I know I’ve already admitted to you that I’m afraid… to… to have a gun held to my head was… difficult. I feel paranoid, and it was far worse, when I couldn’t sleep. But beyond _that_... I’m not happy, that my things were taken. But he also took a box I had, full of the items you had given me over our time of knowing each other. I didn’t stop him- I knew that you wouldn’t want me to. But it hurt, to lose them.”

“...Yer right.” Ranmaru says grimly. “I’m glad you let ‘im. I can give you more things, Masa, but not if you’re not around fer me to give them to you. ...But I can’t blame you, for bein’ afraid, or hurt, ‘r upset. ‘N I wish I had been there, ‘t help. But I know now ‘n I’m not gonna let this happen ‘t you again.” Ranmaru’s lips press to the top of Masato’s head. “I want you ‘t move in with me.”

“Please.” Masato says quickly. “I don’t want to stay alone.”

“You won’t. You ‘n I both still ‘ave a few days off, yeah? Tomorrow if you’re feelin’ up fer it we’ll get yer stuff ‘n bring it back ‘ere. ‘N even if we don’t get to it tomorrow, you’ll just stay here. ...Think I’d rather you be ‘ere with me, anyways. ‘N I’ve been meanin’ ‘t ask you, anyways. I like havin’ you close ‘t me.”

Masato lets his eyes close, pressing his nose to Masato’s chest. “I like having you near me, too. It’s… not going to be easy, to get over this. But just being with you has already helped me immensely. ...Thank you, Ran.”


	66. Chapter Sixty-Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warnings ; bullying, terrible mothers, homophobia 
> 
> Pairing - Ranmaru/Tokiya (main), Ren/Masato (heavily mentioned)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got sucked into TLCs "Say Yes to the Dress" and this happened.

Tokiya really hadn’t thought much about the actual process of getting married. When he was a little boy, he had always assumed that he would find a bride, and that he’d get married and that would be that. And then he got older, and his marriage became even more vague- but he always did still imagine that he _would_ be getting married. 

And then, Tokiya met Ranmaru and decided that it didn’t even matter if they got married as long as he got to spend the rest of his life with that man. Tokiya was still the majority of the reason they were getting married, however- because Tokiya did believe that marriage should be based off of feelings, but he liked the legality behind it. He liked that, in the eyes of the law, they were there for each other. He liked the idea of having rings, to signify to everyone else that they really did belong to each other. He wanted to be able to proudly tell people when he was eighty years old that he had been married for fifty years. It wasn’t the most important thing- because Ranmaru was, but there was just… a lot that Tokiya did like about it, too. 

That was why Ranmaru was more than happy to marry Tokiya. The proposal was a complete surprise, and it was up Tokiya’s alley. It was an at-home dinner date, and while Ranmaru wouldn’t admit it, it had taken him a few hours to actually prepare the complete dinner. It was sweet- and then after dinner, Ranmaru had sat across the table from him and had told Tokiya just how much he really did, truly love up- a speech that had nearly surprised Ranmaru in the honesty of it and had almost brought Tokiya to tears, before Ranmaru had stood up. Instead of going for the classic, one-knee approach, he had moved behind Tokiya’s chair, wrapping his arms around Tokiya to offer the box, held in front of Tokiya. 

Tokiya had said yes before Ranmaru had actually asked the question, and it had made Ranmaru laugh. 

But neither man had really known where to even start in actually planning a wedding. Luckily, Ren and Masato had gotten married sometime back, and Ren was the first person that Tokiya had gone to for advice. Ren was, unsurprisingly, very eager to offer his help, which had amused Tokiya greatly- though he certainly appreciated it. It was shortly after Ren had offered to help that Tokiya had formally asked Ren to be his best man- and Ranmaru had extended the same offer to Masato. Both men had said yes. Tokiya had gotten a hug for it- a complete bear hug that got Tokiya laughing, no matter how hard he was trying to control it. 

That was the smoothest it had went. Because Ren had asked Tokiya if he had a good enough relationship with any of his family to want to invite them- and for whatever reason, Tokiya had actually reached out to his mother, to share the news. 

They haven’t ever necessarily been on… _good_... terms… but they didn’t have a feud, by any means. It wasn’t like Tokiya hated her. She was just very overbearing and controlling, and while it was better, when he was out of her home and was an adult, it was still something that stuck with him, of course. 

But she had gotten _ecstatic_ at the mention of a wedding, and when he had let it slip that his bandmate was helping him plan it… well, she insisted she have a part in it. She claimed that it needed a “woman’s touch”- which Tokiya wasn’t sure was true. After all, the wedding _was_ two men, after all, and that was something he had let her know. He could tell that a same-sex wedding wasn’t her favorite, and to keep her from being upset about that, he had ended up agreeing to let his mom in on _some_ of the planning. 

She had _flown out_, to start helping him- but she hadn’t flown out alone. She had brought girls that Tokiya used to _work_ with- girls that he had never been close with, but she was insistent that he should have more people in the bridesmaid party. He had made it clear that he would be having a best man, and not a maid of honor, but because he had put his foot down on that, he felt he had no right to say no to the added ladies.

This was the first move that had Ranmaru sitting Tokiya down, narrowing his eyes. 

“Tokiya.” Tokiya looks at him with an almost doe-eyed expression. “What’s this about yer mom takin’ over?”

“Ren told you?” Tokiya winces. “I hope you don’t mind. I certainly wasn’t trying to do anything like go over you.”

“I don’t care about that.” Ranmaru scowls. “She just came outta the blue. You were real excited ‘t be workin’ with Ren, ‘n then she comes in and takes over outta nowhere, without a word from you ‘t me, ‘n barely anythin’ ‘t Ren. It’s just weird, Toki.”

Tokiya wasn’t aware that she was trying to take over- he thought he had made it clear that he still wanted Ren to be in charge of it, overall. But that was something to be brought up later. “She asked me to be a part of the planning, when I brought up our wedding to her. She just seemed… very excited.”

“Did you actually want ‘er involved ‘r did you ask her so she wouldn’t be mad?”

“I don’t mind that she’s involved.”

“I don’t like that answer.”

Tokiya reaches out to squeeze Ranmaru’s arm. “I appreciate why you’re worried, Ran, but it’s alright.”

Ranmaru sighs. “If yer sure. If she gets too much, I’d hope you’d step in- but if you can’t, just tell me. I’d rather stop ‘er myself ‘n keep you happy than ‘t expect that you will ‘n leave you miserable.”

Tokiya leans into Ranmaru’s arm, still holding his bicep. “Thank you. And _this_ is one of the many reasons that I said yes.” Tokiya tilts his head up, going for a kiss on the underside of Ranmaru’s jaw, but Ranmaru tilts his head down enough that Tokiya can instead reach the corner of his mouth. Ranmaru shifts himself to press a full kiss to Tokiya’s lips.

Tokiya’s mother continues to try to take control of the situation- and Ranmaru actually had entertained his own mother. He wasn’t sure if he wanted her at their wedding, but something about Tokiya’s own mother being here got Ranmaru to at least reach out to her. Tokiya had told him to only do it if he were comfortable, but he had shrugged. 

His reactions were mixed. 

“She seemed… suspiciously eager ‘t come help when I mentioned that you were goin’ out ‘t look fer yer suit soon.” Ranmaru’s eyes narrow, looking at Tokiya’s face. The expression isn’t at him and Tokiya knows it. “Which wasn’t… outta the question, but she also asked a lotta questions about _budget_.”

Tokiya sighs, but he rubs Ranmaru’s back, just behind his shoulder. “If she’s insistent on tagging along, my mom is making picking my suit far too big of a deal. But I don’t want you to invite her if you’re not comfortable with her being here, either. I know the both of you have had some issues in the past.”

“...Maybe I’m feelin’ generous. I’m not sure I’m right to. ...Ren’s gonna be joinin’ you, choosin’ yer suit, right?” Ranmaru’s voice is almost a bit uneasy, but Tokiya nods. “...If you really don’t mind. But if she does fuckin’ _anythin’_ you tell me, alright?”

“I will, Ran.”

When Tokiya had said that his mom was making far too big of a deal of getting his suit, he meant it. Tokiya is reminded of dress shopping. 

Of course Tokiya wanted to look good for Ranmaru. He wanted to find something that would leave Ranmaru speechless, but he felt like he could have just tried them on in private and decided himself. His mother, Ranmaru’s mother, and the two girls, Yin and Mika, were insistent on going to a bridal shop to look at the suits. 

Tokiya actually did see through that one. They were all clearly expecting him, as an idol, to pay for the dresses that they’d be wearing to his wedding. Tokiya isn’t actually sure how much they care about _his_ outfit. 

But between his mom and Ranmaru’s, he’s sent in with at least five suits. And then he had two others- one of his choosing, and one of Ren’s. The attendants offer to help him, but in the end, Ren steps in to help him get into the suits instead. 

“This is going to be hell.” Tokiya sighs. “None of these look any good.”

“You don’t have to try them, Toki.”

“I should, though. ...It’s not as if this is the wedding.” Tokiya sighs. “I can entertain them.”

Ren’s lips press into a thin line, but he helps Tokiya into the first suit without further comments. The first one is a classic tux- and Tokiya hates it. It’s not fitted, of course, but it still doesn’t flatter him at all. Ren watches Tokiya’s face. His frown. 

Tokiya’s options really were open. Ranmaru had chosen to choose his suit after Tokiya’s- relieving Tokiya of the worry of making sure his outfit complimented Ranmaru’s, but as nice as Ranmaru looked in _anything_\- Tokiya didn’t really think that Ranmaru would want to get married in a tux. Tokiya knows that he would prefer a suit, and he knows that Ranmaru would, too. But he still takes a deep breath and goes out to the wedding party. He doesn’t bother to look into the full mirror that the attendant had been nice enough to set up for him, because he knew how he looked already. 

Yin looks amused. “You look like a penguin.”

“It’s a lot more ringleader than groom.” Tokiya’s mother agrees. 

“This isn’t the one.” Ranmaru’s mother shakes her head. 

Tokiya’s opinion isn’t given. It isn’t asked. Tokiya just silently heads back to the changing room. If Tokiya hadn’t expressed his displeasure to Ren, Ren would have said something. Tokiya can see the anger under his expression as he helps Tokiya out of the tux. 

“Ran wouldn’t have liked it anyways.” Tokiya mumbles. Ren’s hand finds Tokiya’s shoulder, meeting his eyes in the mirror. 

“I’d rather you choose your suit for Ran over the… _ladies_... out there… _but_ I hope you know that you _should_ be choosing for you. And I know that’s what Ran is hoping, too. I promise you that he’ll love anything that _you_ feel good in, Toki.” Ren squeezes Tokiya’s shoulder, and Tokiya manages a smile. 

“Thank you, Ren.”

“Alright. Next trainwreck.” Ren shakes his head. “We’ll just go through these, and we’ll save _yours_ for last.” Ren smiles at him through the mirror, but it is a bit strained. “I’m sure you know best, after all. But we may as well as entertain the moms- just as you said.” 

The next suit is a hideous, off-white color, and it gets Tokiya frowning again. “I understand white is virtuous, but I’m not sure I really want to be the… blushing bride in white.”

Ren squeezes Tokiya’s shoulder again. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting darker colors.”

Tokiya sighs, closing his eyes. “So far, I’ve only started to realize that I really don’t look good in _anything_.”

“It’s just ill-fitting and not your color, and neither of those are your fault, Toki. To be fair-” Ren’s grin is teasing. “I don’t think _that_ color is _anyone’s_ color.”

Tokiya gives a weak laugh at that, but then the two of them head out of the dressing room. Ranmaru’s mother pulls a face at this one. 

“That fit is hideous.” Her eyes narrow, taking Tokiya in. 

“You don’t fill out that suit.” Mika hums. 

Tokiya didn’t like the suit, either- but the way that they said it made it feel like it was _his_ fault that it didn’t fit well. 

“I don’t think that the suit is right for you, Toki- but the suit isn’t tailored. The fit’s all wrong because it’s not your size.” Ren adds. 

“The shape of the suit is terrible against his body type. It adds extra around the edges.” Ranmaru’s mother disagrees. “I think a better fit might even make that worse.”

Tokiya is quiet as he chooses just to turn, to head back towards the dressing room. 

The third suit is another white_ish_ color. It’s baggy on him, and it makes him not even want to step out. 

“I think I can already tell what they’re going to say.” Tokiya’s mood had just been getting worse and worse. “I look terrible, this suit shows off the worst parts of me, etcetera, etcetera.”

Ren sighs, and this time he fully wraps an arm around Tokiya’s shoulders to give him a half-hug, squeezing him tightly. “I’ll tell you right now, Toki, that any comments they make about your body are bullshit.” 

“I-” Tokiya closes his eyes, tilting his head down. “I wish Ran were here.” He admits. “I know that there’s the entire surprise behind what you show up in- but they’re starting to get to me, Ren. I’m starting to think that maybe it really might be me, making all of these suits look horrible.”

“Don’t.” Ren says sharply. “They’re being cruel. Especially for what today is- I know you wanted to just find a suit and leave, and there’s nothing wrong with that… but this day should still be _good_. And I have a feeling that the suit you picked out is going to look great on you. It’s these suits that don’t look good, Toki. It’s not you.” Ren’s voice gets a bit dry. “...I’m trying my best, but I don’t think I’m nearly angry enough. I doubt they’d be saying anything if he were here. But I can tell you positively that he would tell you that everything they’re saying is wrong. And I’ll tell you what I told Masa- because I know Ran would say the same thing with you. Because I’d bet that if you walked down the aisle in your pajamas that he’d be just as happy as if you’d walked down in the world’s finest suit.” 

Tokiya rubs at his eyes. He isn’t crying, at least not yet, but his eyes are burning. “Thank you.” His voice breaks. Ren gives him an almost sad smile. “Just keep your head up, Toki. You’re almost there. Just remember that it’s your day. Not theirs.”

Tokiya just nods as he makes his way out. 

Tokiya’s mother shakes her head as soon as Tokiya walks out. “Definitely not.”

Mika and Yin shake their heads with her- Ranmaru’s mother looks almost _disgusted_ with it. Tokiya’s head bows as he turns to make his way back. 

The next suit is worse- and it _fits_ him. If any suit accentuated the wrong parts of his body, it was this one. It’s a light color, a pale rose pink, which he _hates_. It had shoulder pads and a short jacket, and it made him look… ridiculous. 

“At least when they make fun of me, they’ve got a reason to.” Tokiya grumbles, frustrated. “God, I think Ranmaru would _laugh_.”

Ren winces. He doesn’t openly agree with Tokiya- but Tokiya _knows_ he looks terrible. 

And he feels worse, when he walks out, and it’s to _nods_. 

“The best so far.” Ranmaru’s mother comments. 

“I think this is the one.” Tokiya’s mother smiles. 

“You’re… joking.” Tokiya is so taken off guard. He glances into the full length mirror, but he still looks as terrible as he thought he had just a moment ago. 

“Of course not.” Tokiya’s mother sounds surprised. “I think you should go with that one.”

Tokiya blinks, and he frowns. 

“I know my son.” Ranmaru’s mother assures. “Out of all of them, this would be his favorite.” 

Tokiya has to glance at Ren. He almost laughs. 

Tokiya feels certain that Ranmaru would hate this. Tokiya looks horrible.

“I still want to try the one I chose.” Tokiya finally mumbles. 

There’s some quiet, hushed, displeased noises- but no one _stops_ him. When Tokiya gets back to the dressing room- he finally breaks, angry, almost humiliated tears rolling down his cheeks.

“This would be a great dress to embarrass myself in.” Tokiya scowls, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands. “They’re messing with me… right?”

“I don’t know, Toki. But if you hate that suit, then you hate it. That’s all that matters.” 

Tokiya pushes off his ever growing breakdown, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. 

“I’ll… try your suit choice, Ren. But I’m not going out there in it.”

“That’s perfectly fine.” 

Ren does help Tokiya into the suit Ren had chosen, and in Tokiya’s mind, so far, it’s the only contender. Even with a fit that’s not quite right, it flatters him more than the first four suits combined. 

It wasn’t… _right_. But it was better.

“It’s not it.” Tokiya admits. “But I’m glad that at least someone considered _me_ while choosing.” 

Ren hums, looking him over. “It’s missing something.” Ren agrees, and then he sighs. “You’re almost done, Toki. Why don’t we try on your pick?”

Tokiya nods. 

And this suit- a deep, almost midnight blue, was beautiful. It wasn’t a perfect fit, but even as off as it was, it was clear that it fit his body better, with a longer jacket it was slimming, and the parts that did fit hugged his body well. When Tokiya looks at himself in the mirror, he actually can’t hold back the smile. 

For the first time so far that day- he actually thought he looked good. Ren’s smile is far more genuine. “That’s a showstopper.” He grins, teasingly. “Forget speechless. I think you’d leave him breathless.”

“Lucky pick.” Tokiya mumbles. “I should go out. Maybe they’ll get that ridiculous pink suit out of their heads.”

“I’m sure even _they_ can’t ignore the way this suit _suits_ you.”

“Oh my God, Ren, that was horrible.”

“I try.” Ren laughs, opening the door to the dressing room. 

Tokiya doesn’t feel good, when he walks out to blank stares. 

“That looks like a funeral suit.” Tokiya’s mother says, clearly displeased. Tokiya’s heart sinks.

“This was _your_ pick?” Tokiya just nods numbly at Ranmaru’s mother’s question. 

“This is why you needed women.” Tokiya’s mother scolds. 

“You should go with the last one.” Mika agrees. 

“What’s… what’s wrong with it?”

“That color is all wrong on you.” Ranmaru’s mother clicks her tongue. “And the fit is too strange.”

“You look sick.” Tokiya’s mother adds. “You’d be much better in the pale one. It fit you so well.”

“If there’s any suit Ranmaru would like on you, it’d be the last one.” Ranmaru’s mother’s voice is dismissive. “You want him to like the suit, don’t you?”

That one really hurt Tokiya. With that last comment, Tokiya just felt _tired_. He walks back to the dressing room, his shoulders slumped. Ren seems to be almost a bit in shock, but he’s fast to follow Tokiya. 

“That was terrible.” It’s Ranmaru’s mother’s voice. Tokiya wasn’t far away enough to not hear it. “It’d be an insult, making my son stand next to him in something like that. It looked so cheap.”

“I can’t say I understand their choice.” Tokiya’s mother adds. “Both of them could find beautiful girls, I’m sure.”

Ranmaru’s mother makes an agreeing noise. “I remember a girl Ranmaru dated a while back. Seira, I think her name was? She was a sweet girl.”

That’s the point that Ren catches up to Tokiya, leading him faster into the dressing room with a hand on his back, closing the door. 

And that’s when Tokiya officially, really loses it, bursting into tears, sobbing hard enough to shake his shoulders and Ren gives Tokiya a full, tight hug, rubbing his back. 

“That was cruel.” Tokiya can hear how angry Ren is just from the tone of his voice. “And a complete lie, Tokiya. You look good in that suit- and Ran would absolutely love you in it. His mother has already made it obvious that she really doesn’t know her son- but nothing she says about what Ranmaru would think is even remotely true.”

Tokiya just cries into Ren’s shoulder. 

When Tokiya finally calms down, he pulls back, and Ren slips out for just a moment to go get Tokiya tissues. After he’s wiped off his face, he slowly and robotically gets out of the suit. 

Ren is a bit hesitant to leave Tokiya, even when he’s just getting changed into his own clothes, but he does. When Tokiya leaves, he’s holding a bag. Ren eyes it. 

“Let’s just get back out there.” Tokiya mumbles. His voice is tired. 

When Tokiya’s back out, in his normal clothes, the girls all start buzzing about finding something of their own. The bridesmaid’s dresses. The mother’s dresses. Tokiya just takes a spot on the now empty couch. Ren sits next to him, but his anger is still very obvious. 

The way that they choose their dresses reminds Tokiya of a real bride. It was clear that many of them were on the pricier side- and they didn’t ask Tokiya for his opinions. 

When they go back to look again, Ren finally pays attention to the bag Tokiya had. “Toki… what suit did you get?”

“The one they wanted.” Tokiya says numbly. Ren frowns. 

“Toki-”

“It doesn’t matter, Ren. It’s fine.”

Ren sighs, but he sets his hand on Tokiya’s arm. “I want you to call Ran, and tell him about your suit.”

“What?” Tokiya glances at Ren, confused. 

“I want you to tell him what happened.”

“It… it doesn’t matter, Ren.” Tokiya shakes his head. “I don’t… It doesn’t matter.”

Tokiya had lost his confidence in the suit he had liked. But Ren shakes his head. “I mean it, Toki. Give it a try.”

Tokiya is quiet for a long moment, but he finally stands, to go out towards the front to call Ranmaru. 

“Toki?” At first, Ranmaru is confused, but his voice quickly turns cautious. “What’s goin’ on?”

“Ren wanted me to call.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. He doesn’t mean for it to. “I chose my suit.” Tokiya’s voice is almost dry. Ranmaru stays quiet, long enough for Tokiya to talk. Tokiya had just finished crying- and he manages to hold back his sobs, but he can’t hold back the tears. “You’re going to hate me in it. I look disgusting.”

“_What?_” Ranmaru’s voice is harsher. He sounds angry already. “Babe, if you don’t like the suit, why would you choose it?”

“It’s the only one I looked good in.” Tokiya gives a tearful laugh. “According to both of our moms. They… I found one I liked and your mom said something along the lines of how you should be embarrassed, standing next to me in it.”

“Get that one.” Ranmaru says flatly. “Get the one you like, Toki. Fuck ‘em.”

“I don’t… they might have a point.” Tokiya says quietly. “Because I can’t help but wonder if it’s me. Maybe they’re not… bullying me. What if it’s just a… brutal honesty?”

Ranmaru sighs. “How important is it ‘t you that you surprise me with yer suit, babe?”

“You’ve seen me in how many suits?” Tokiya mumbles. “It’s not incredibly important to me. To surprise you.”

“Then I’m gonna head over, alright?”

“Okay?” Tokiya wipes his face with his sleeve. Part of him _is_ surprised- and the other part of him really does want Ranmaru here. 

Ranmaru hangs up. Tokiya stays outside until Ranmaru actually shows up- and Ranmaru heads straight to Tokiya when he sees him. He frowns, seeing Tokiya’s face, but the anger underneath his expression is _very_ obvious. Ranmaru cups Tokiya’s cheeks, running his thumbs under Tokiya’s eyes. 

“I want you ‘t go inside ‘n show me this suit you were talkin’ about.” Ranmaru mumbles, his nose almost pressed to Tokiya’s. 

“Okay.” Tokiya’s voice is barely audible. He had cried a lot today. He wasn’t expecting to have a good time, but this was significantly worse than he had expected. Ranmaru finally lets go of Tokiya’s face. Tokiya leads Ranmaru back in, and Ren seems a bit relieved, to see Ranmaru.

“Where’s everyone else?” Ranmaru narrows his eyes at the empty couch.

“Dress shopping.” Ren says dryly. “I believe they’re expecting Toki to pay, too.” 

Ranmaru scowls. “Like hell he is.” Ranmaru glances towards Tokiya, and he cuts him off before he can speak. “You’re not buyin’ ‘em anythin’, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is stern. “Doesn’t sound like they deserve it, fer starters. ‘N weddin’ parties ‘r supposed ‘t buy their own shit anyways, yeah? Ren’s not makin’ us pay.” Ranmaru’s attention flickers back to Ren at that. “‘N why ‘r they dress shoppin’ anyways? Wasn’t today about the suit?”

Ren’s lips press into a thin line. “They were busy choosing terrible options for Tokiya, and then shaming him for the only one he loved.” Ren offers the bag, still on the couch next to him. “This was their choice for him.” Ranmaru takes the bag. “The one he wanted is still in his dressing room.”

“C’mon Tokiya.” Ranmaru’s arm wraps over Tokiya’s shoulder, pulling him to his side. Tokiya does have to lead the way to the dressing room, but Ranmaru is the one that closes the door when they’re in. Ranmaru hands up the black bag on a hanger, and then he unzips it to see. He scowls, looking at it. 

“I knew you’d hate it.” Tokiya mumbles. “It’s hideous.” 

“Yeah.” Ranmaru grunts, zipping it back up. “Now which one were you into?”

Tokiya’s eyes glance over to the bag on the furthest hook, and Ranmaru hands Tokiya the suit. Ranmaru leans against the wall, but he looks away from Tokiya. 

“Lemme know if you need help. Otherwise, I’ll give you my honest opinion, when yer all in it.”

Tokiya finds himself _nervous_, but he fumbles his way out of his clothes and into the suit. The excitement he had felt the moment he put on the suit still wasn’t there. Instead, he was scanning himself in the mirror, pointing out everything that wasn’t right with it. 

Ranmaru’s eyes slide over to him before Tokiya actually announces he’s done, but that’s all it takes. Ranmaru pushes himself off the wall, to turn Tokiya’s head, pulling him into a kiss. It’s such an immediate action that Tokiya enters the kiss with wide eyes, but they flutter closed as his hands find Ranmaru’s arms, holding himself closer. 

“Fuck, Toki. I dunno why you even fuckin’ bothered listenin’ to ‘em. Anyone that doesn’t tell you you’re fuckin’ stunnin’ in this is a fuckin’ liar.”

“I’m going to cry again.” Tokiya tries to keep his voice light, but it really does crack when he talks. Ranmaru pulls him into a tight hug, trying not to crush the suit, but still holding him tight. 

“...So tell me what you think ‘a this idea.” Ranmaru hums. 

When Tokiya leaves the dressing room with Ranmaru, he’s holding a bag with the suit he had just gotten out of. He’d need to get measured and give them the suit to be tailored before they left. Tokiya’s holding tightly onto Ranmaru’s arm. He’s nervous- but Ranmaru had agreed to be the one to speak. The girls are back, chattering over the dresses they had found and liked. 

“You might as well ‘s put ‘em back.” Ranmaru’s voice is loud in the small room. Everyone, Ren excluded, seems surprised to see Ranmaru here. “After hearin’ about all ‘a the _support_ Toki got today-” Ranmaru’s voice is dangerous. “We both decided that it’d be better ‘t just elope.”

“_What?_” Tokiya’s mother is the first to speak. 

Tokiya nods. His grip on Ranmaru’s arm is tight. “We’d rather it be just us.” Tokiya says quietly. “We’ve decided neither of us needs a big wedding. ...Sorry about making you do all that work for nothing, Ren.”

Ren waves his hand dismissively. “Your mother threw out all of the ideas I was to pitch to you the first day she got here.”

Eloping was definitely the right move, Tokiya thinks. 

“If you really want the dresses, buy ‘em yerself ‘n find another weddin’ ‘t crash.” Ranmaru scowls. “‘Cause I’m fuckin’ tired of you botherin’ ours. C’mon, Toki.”

Tokiya nods. He sees Ren smiling- both mothers have a look of shock and offense. 

When Ranmaru begins to lead him to the front desk, to ask someone about taking measurements, Tokiya sighs. 

“Dunno why we didn’t think ‘a this sooner.” Ranmaru admits. “Who gives a shit about the weddin’ anyways?” Ranmaru grins at him. Tokiya finds himself smiling, just a bit, even though he knows that whatever cheeky thing Ranmaru says next is going to make him roll his eyes. “‘M a lot more interested in the honeymoon.”


	67. Chapter Sixty-Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> WARNINGS ; mostly just angst and theyre older in age

At this point in Tokiya’s life, he was _happy_. He had two wonderful, caring boyfriends and a _husband_. After their idols careers had finished, marriage had been discussed, and in the end they had been forced to abide by the law and split themselves. Masato and Ranmaru had a small marriage of their own, and then only a few months later, Tokiya and Ren had their own. It didn’t change anything about the relationship between the four of them- but Tokiya liked the legality of marriage. 

Tokiya wasn’t often in the hospital, but in the rare time he had to go, it was nice, having Ren able to go back with him. To have an emergency contact that was his _husband_. And Ren liked to use their marriage as an excuse, too- an excuse for PDA or to spoil him, sometimes. Tokiya’s half-hearted protests always had a very hidden layer of happiness. Tokiya _loved_ it, when Ren doted on him. Not that he’d be fast to admit it.

Eventually, however, Tokiya, Ren and Masato are offered a chance to rejoin the others from STARISH to do a small reprise of the band, and Tokiya had truly been excited. It wasn’t that Ren and Masato _weren’t_, but being a performer had become Tokiya’s passion and to have a chance to go back on stage _thrilled_ him. 

Though he did feel a bit bad- leaving Ranmaru by himself. 

“It’s optional.” Tokiya mumbles. He’s on the chair- there’s really only room for one person but Ren has decided to make himself room by sitting on Tokiya’s lap, his legs over the arm of the chair. Tokiya hadn’t even batted an eye. This was normal. “I don’t think Aijima is going to be joining us, as it is- I don’t think he’s currently able to travel here. ...We could be gone months.”

Tokiya’s eyebrows pull in. They had made a promise to each other, after their careers had ended, that they’d be spending _much_ more time together- which meant no jobs that would force them to travel often or for a long time. After years of balancing work that kept _all_ of them distant from each other, and often, they wanted to spend the rest of the time they had _together_. 

“I’ll live, Toki. ‘S nice ‘a you ‘t worry about me, but y’don’t need ‘ta. You obviously wanna go, ‘n I don’t wanna stop you.”

Ren hums. “Switch places with him, Toki- of course it would be… a shame, but if Ran had this chance and wanted to go- wouldn’t you want him to?”

“I… would. But I still want to check with him first.”

“Which is kind.” Masato agrees. “But I’m in support of us going. Two months isn’t a short amount of time, but we’ve been apart much, much longer.”

“And you _are_ clearly excited. It’s adorable.” Ren smiles at Tokiya, leaning further into his chest, prompting Tokiya to wrap his arms around Ren’s waist. “As much as I hate to say it, Toki, we’re getting older. Now is going to be the best time to do it- before you know it, we’ll be as old as Ran.”

“Oi. Watch yourself, Jinguji.”

Masato makes a soft, amused noise. “You’re not that much younger yourself, Ren. I believe the only _young_ men in the room are Tokiya and myself.”

Ren’s hand moves to his chest. “I’m hurt, Masa. Are you calling me old?”

Masato gives a crooked smile. “Ancient.”

The day before they leave, Ranmaru gets a _lot_ of affection, all three of them doting on him whenever they get the chance. They’re off very early the next morning, but Ranmaru wakes up long enough to see them off. Masato gets a sleepy kiss, Tokiya gets a kiss on the forehead, and Ren gets a poke to the side (and _then_ a kiss to the cheek). 

The first week back is hectic- it’s all rehearsals and greetings and being introduced to the new team that’s going to be serving them during the next two months. It’s crazy, but Tokiya _loves_ it.

At least, he does at first. 

Until he’s asked to stay late during rehearsals. The other boys are sent off to go back to their temporary rooms to get some rest, and Tokiya is held back for extra lessons. The first time, it’s just embarrassing. When he gets back to the room that he’s staying in with Ren and Masato, he brushes it off as the instructor just wanting to make sure he understood a few steps, though even that explanation gets some worry from Ren and Masato. It’s worry that Tokiya brushes off- but by the end of the week Tokiya is tired.

Tokiya is tired of being treated like he doesn’t understand. Like he’s not as good as the others in the band. He’s tired of the snarky, side comments he keeps hearing from the instructors. 

_”Did you always have this much trouble?”_

_”Hard to believe you were ever an idol.”_

_”If you keep this up, I’ll just have to give you easier steps.”_

By the end of the week, Tokiya is placed in the back of the formation. 

When he gets out of the last extra lesson of the week, he heads to the room he was actually assigned. He and Masato stayed in Ren’s assigned room, all three sleeping together on the Queen sized mattress. 

The last time Tokiya had been spoken to this harshly was back when he was Hayato- because back then, anything that wasn’t perfect wasn’t good enough. Tokiya was really trying right now- and the instructor was making it clear that it wasn’t good enough. 

That _he_ wasn’t good enough. 

And the harder Tokiya worked at it, and the longer he stayed in the practice room, the worse his body hurt. Ren wasn’t lying- they were getting older. Tokiya _wasn’t_ as spry as he used to be. 

And then, Tokiya does what he had never done before. What he had used to nearly kill himself to avoid. 

He quits. 

Tokiya rolls over to his back, to pull out his phone, dialing Ranmaru’s number. Their times were still the same- they hadn’t moved very far from the campus so it was still eleven at night for Ranmaru, but he still answers the phone anyways. 

“Toki?” Ranmaru’s voice is groggy. “What’s goin’ on?”

“I’m coming home.” Tokiya’s voice breaks. “Tomorrow.”

“You’re not hurt, are ya?” Ranmaru sounds far more alert. Serious. 

“Not… not physically, no. I’m not… I’m not good enough, Ran. And the trainers can’t possibly make it clearer to me. I’m so tired and nothing is enough.” Tokiya finally breaks, enough to let out a bitter sob. “I think it’d be best if I just came home.”

“If you’re not happy there, Toki, I’m not gonna stop ya. But do Ren ‘n Masa know about this?”

“Not that I want to leave. They know about my extra lessons but they don’t know the full extent of what they are.”

“What they are? What _are_ they?”

“The trainer just keeps pushing me past my limit.” Years ago, Tokiya would never admit this. He’d have just sucked it up and went with it- but after years and years of being together with his partners, he had finally learned communication. It was why he was alone right now. If he had gone to Ren and Masato’s room, they would have gotten all of this out of him, and he wasn’t sure if he wanted that. Tokiya knew that they would leave with him- but Tokiya _wasn’t_ the only one excited for this. He didn’t want to make them leave, and showing up this upset would convince them that they needed to. “And it’s all insults and negative reinforcement. But he keeps telling me I’m not right and I can’t do anything that _is_ right. It’s not helping me because I’m already doing my best! It’s just… not good enough, I guess.”

Ranmaru sighs. “If you’re that miserable then I think you’re makin’ the right choice. Comin’ back. Sounds like that trainer is a dick. But it’s like a teacher, Toki. If you’re tryin’ but he says you’re failin’, then he’s fuckin’ up as your trainer. Easy as that.” Tokiya stays silent for a long moment. “You’ve gotta tell Masa ‘n Ren, though. You can’t just disappear on ‘em.”

“I know.” Tokiya says softly. “But I have to find a way to tell them that doesn’t make them feel like they need to come with me. We’re already going to be down to five members, Ran- that’s not fair to the fans.”

“...I dunno if you’re right ‘r wrong about this, Toki, but leave me on the phone ‘n just put me on speaker. I’ll take your side. But only ‘cause you’re comin’ home ‘t me.”

“Then I’ll… I’ll head over now.” Tokiya closes his eyes, but Ranmaru’s quiet as Tokiya gets himself together enough to leave the room. 

Tokiya is still visibly upset when he returns to Ren and Masato’s room, but they’re both awake- worried and waiting. Tokiya is at least an hour later than he should have been. 

“Toki.” Ren is on his feet, already heading to Tokiya, to reach out to touch his arm, and to pull him closer. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“We should sit down.” Tokiya mumbles. “I have Ran on the phone.” Tokiya thumbs the speaker option on his phone, though at the moment, Ranmaru is still just silent, listening. Ren does lead Tokiya further towards the bed, to sit down. Tokiya’s voice is unsteady when he speaks, especially under Ren and Masato’s worried gazes. Ren is sitting too close. Hovering. “I’m leaving. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough to do it.”

“What are you talking about?” Ren’s eyebrows furrow. “Of course you’re good enough. You’re better than all of us combined. You’ve been _working_ harder than all of us combined- what about all of those extra practices?”

“They’re mandatory.” Tokiya’s eyes are downcast. “Because I’m not doing them right. And the trainer keeps telling me that I’m not as good as I was, and that it’s hard to believe I was ever any good. It’s been a week, and we’ve made no progress in my routine. I’m… done. I can’t take this. You were right, Ren. I’m not… I’m too old to be doing this. I can’t physically handle the strain of working the way that I used to. I could hardly handle it then.”

“I’ll have a word with him.” Masato’s voice is surprisingly cold. “He won’t get away with speaking to you like that.”

“It’s fine, Masa.” Tokiya shakes his head, managing a flickering, humorless smile. “Truthfully- I feel terrible to put you both at a disadvantage. To put the other boys at one- to disappoint any fans.” The smile completely fades off of Tokiya’s face, and he does look quite frustrated. “I’ve been having trouble catching my breath. ...I’m killing myself for less than perfection and that doesn’t feel worth it.”

“_What?_” This comes from the phone. “You didn’t tell me that part, Tokiya.”

“I’m planning to come home.” Tokiya says softly. “We could handle it then, if it’s still an issue. But I doubt it will be- when I stop with the physical activities. ...I likely would have been okay. But if it’s going to require this level of extra work… I don’t think I can do it.”

“And you shouldn’t.” Ren’s voice is a bit stern, but he works on softening it. “If you’re not feeling well, this isn’t worth risking your health.” Ren takes one look at Tokiya’s face and he gently reaches out to squeeze Tokiya’s arm. “I’m not angry. Ran isn’t either, I’m sure. We’re all just worried. You’re doing well- not hiding this from us. We’ll pack up, and we’ll leave.” Ren promises. 

Tokiya shakes his head. “I’m not trying to bring you both down with me. It’s going to be hard enough to work with five members out of seven- we shouldn’t make it three. I’ll be okay. You both know that Ran won’t let me do anything stupid.” Ranmaru grunts in agreement. “And then I can live vicariously through the both of you.”

They’re both quiet, unsure, but Ranmaru speaks up. “I’ll keep a real close eye on ‘im. You two chose ‘t go there. ‘S long as you wanna be there, you should. ‘Sides. Someone’s gotta be there ‘t give that trainer hell.”

“You’re right on that one.” Masato’s voice hasn’t lightened, but then Masato sighs and reaches out to squeeze Tokiya’s knee. “I’m in support of you leaving, because it’s beginning to affect your health. But is this really what you want, Toki?”

Tokiya nods. 

“...Only because you’re going home to Ran.” Ren is speaking slowly. “But if anything happens, I’d like a call.”

“If you change your mind, as well, Toki, I’m sure that any of the boys here would love to invite you back, as well.”

“Thank you.” Tokiya’s voice remains soft. “And I’ll call you, Ren, but I highly doubt that anything will happen.” 

Ren is still nearly pressed against Tokiya’s side, but at that, he moves his arm around Tokiya’s waist. “We should get to bed.” He says softly. “We can pack you up in the morning- but if tonight’s the last night Masa and I are going to have you for a while I’d like to enjoy it.”

“I can drive down ‘n get you tomorrow, Toki. Just call whenever you wake up.”

“Thank you, Ran.” Tokiya mumbles. His eyes close. “I appreciate it.”

Ranmaru grunts, but he hangs up- giving Tokiya the rest of the night with Masato and Ren. Tokiya was often in the middle, but he definitely was tonight, held tightly between Ren and Masato, his forehead pressed to Ren’s chest. 

“Just so you know, Toki-” Ren’s voice is gentle. “You’re good enough. You’ve always been good enough. Masa’s a perfectionist, too- did you think Toki was off in practice?”

“Of course you weren’t off, Toki.” Masato’s voice is a bit stern, and he gently squeezes Tokiya’s hip. “I don’t know why the trainer was being so… _unpleasant_ to you, but he was a downright liar. You’ve always been a very talented performer, Toki, and now is no different. I’m still in favor of you leaving. I know that you were excited for this- but I don’t think that you can… _control_... how hard you work. You’ve always given everything your all and then some- but if you try to do that now, darling, you really _might_ kill yourself, and that terrifies me. If you decide to come back, or you decide tomorrow that you _don’t_ want to leave, Ren and I won’t be stepping aside nearly as much as we have been. We shouldn’t have- if we had realized _just_ how hard you were working, we would have done something sooner.”

“I couldn’t take it back, even if I wanted to.” Tokiya mumbled. “Ran’s already planning to pick me up.”

“I think you need some time away.” Ren admits. “But even if you really chose to stay, Ran would understand. You’re working with us, Toki. That’s shows so much growth.” Ren’s voice has almost turned into a coo. “I’m proud of you, baby. We all are.”

“Well. I figured you’d be angry if I bit it.” Tokiya’s joke is weak, but it’s clear that he’s trying. “I didn’t want to force you into a life of mad science- to bring me back from the dead to lecture me for dying.”

“We’re all busy men.” Ren agrees. “And a _life of mad science_ never has really been my thing.”

Masato gives a sigh- partly amused and partly exasperated. “I know tonight has been exciting, but if the both of you get to sleep now, we can all go out to breakfast together before rehearsals. So long as you’re alright packing by yourself, Toki.”

“I can handle it. I’d rather get breakfast with you two.”

“Then sleep.” Masato presses a kiss to the back of Tokiya’s neck. “I think that it’s best that you get some rest anyways. You’re going to have a long drive tomorrow.”

The next morning, when the alarm goes off, they get dressed quickly so that they can sit down to eat together in the cafe. They can’t be as close as they’d like to be, but Ren still sits besides Tokiya to discreetly hold his hand and Masato’s foot rests against Tokiya’s. 

It made his decision to leave a bit easier- because his thought about how much he’d miss them is overshadowed by the question in his mind of if Ranmaru missed them all this much, too. Tokiya _is_ going to feel better, being there for Ranmaru. 

Tokiya wouldn’t want to be alone. He didn’t like leaving Ranmaru alone, either. 

Masato and Ren walk him back to the room- and Tokiya’s holding a styrofoam container with a meal he had bought for Ranmaru. All three of them go inside, just for a moment- just for their goodbyes. Masato’s arms wrap around Tokiya’s waist from behind and Ren stands in front of Tokiya, his hands on top of Masato’s. Ren gives Tokiya a soft kiss, though he doesn’t pull back until Tokiya is breathless- and then they wait until Tokiya’s caught his breath so that Masato can turn Tokiya’s head to give him a just barely shorter kiss. 

“Message me when Ran gets here. And when you’re both home safely, alright?” Ren mumbles, brushing his nose against Tokiya’s. 

“I will.” Tokiya mumbles.

“How are you feeling?” Masato’s voice is serious. 

“Sore.” Tokiya admits. “Really sore. But I’ll live.”

“Let Ran know.” Masato’s voice is _very_ serious, now. “If sitting in a car for hours is going to make it worse, I’m sure that he won’t have a problem staying a bit longer.”

“Masa’s right.” Ren agrees. “Let Ran make that decision.”

“How bad does it hurt?” Masato’s voice gentles. 

“Standing is a bit hard.” Tokiya admits quietly, his face going a bit red. “I’m just… achy.”

“Lay down.” Ren demands. “We’ll get your things packed.”

“You have rehearsal-”

“We’ll be fine.” Masato assures. “If Ren and I are both working, we’ll have you packed up quickly.”

“...Okay.” Tokiya’s voice comes slow, but he knows he’s going to lose, and arguing with them is only going to make them even later. So when Ren and Masato both gently urge him to the bed, he goes. Five minutes later, his items are packed. 

Masato is the first to kiss him on the forehead. “Stay safe. I love you, Toki.”

Ren is right behind him, pressing a kiss both to Tokiya’s forehead and then a kiss to the tip of Tokiya’s nose. “I love you, baby. Be careful.”

Tokiya’s smile is weak but it comes easily. He had already texted Ranmaru to let him know he was ready while Ren and Masato were moving around. “I love you, both. You both be careful as well, please.”

“We always are.” Ren gives him a teasing smile. “We’ll be sure to keep in contact.” Masato hums in agreement. 

With that- they have to leave, already running late. Tokiya starts a video on his phone to wait, but he’s asleep before it’s finished. He’s woken up by a knock on the door- and Tokiya groans as he gets up to answer it. Tokiya still feels half asleep, and he must look it, too, because Ranmaru’s eyebrow raises when he sees Tokiya. Tokiya turns to grab his bag, but Ranmaru follows him in and closes the door. 

“How’re you feelin’?”

“Did Masa and Ren say something?” 

“No. But now I’m guessin’ that they _had_ somethin’ ‘t say so what was it?”

Tokiya sighs. “I’m just sore. They wanted me to bring it up.”

Ranmaru searches Tokiya’s face. “How bad is it?”

“It wasn’t very good this morning, but it’s a bit worse, now. I managed to get a few hours of sleep but I don’t think it helped anything.”

“Lay down.”

“Ran, we-” 

Ranmaru shakes his head. “It’s barely noon, Toki. ‘S long as we leave by seven, we’ll be fine. ‘Sides, you guys got out at six, yeah? Might as well as say hi ‘t Ren and Masa ‘fore we head out.”

That last point actually does turn Tokiya onto the idea- enough to leave his bag which seems to satisfy Ranmaru. And it’s nice to climb into bed and to have Ranmaru climb in with him, too. 

All of their holds were different. Tokiya had been told that he was soft when he initiated and clingy when he didn’t. 

Ranmaru was pliant when Tokiya held him, but he was protective when he held Tokiya, or Ren or Masato.

Ren was also on the clingier side when he was held, but his hold was warm and tight- and Masato relaxed in a hold but his own hold was steady and gentle and grounding. 

Tokiya liked Ranmaru’s hold. Ren also wrapped his entire body around his partner, but it was just in a very different way than the way Ranmaru did- and part of it was that Ren wasn’t afraid to lay _on_ his partner, while Ranmaru curled over his. It gave Tokiya the perfect opportunity to curl into Ranmaru’s chest, subsequently helping Ranmaru cover more of him. 

“I hope you weren’t too lonely.” Tokiya mumbles. “I’m sorry we had to leave you alone.”

“I was fine, Toki. But I’m not gonna lie. ...I don’t like _why_ you’ve gotta come home, but I’m not complainin’ that you are, either. It’s gonna be nice. Not sleepin’ alone in the bed.”

“I’m not thrilled at why I’m leaving either- but I have no problem being back with you. And our situations will give me some peace of mind. Because no one is going to be alone, and I prefer that.”

“Yer real sweet, Toki. You didn’t deserve any of the shit that guy was feedin’ you. I hope you know that.”

“I know.” Tokiya says softly. He isn’t sure if that’s the truth- but he isn’t going to contest Ranmaru. “I’m going to need to avoid social media for some time. I can’t imagine the comments I’m going to get.”

Ranmaru sighs, beginning to rub Tokiya’s back. “Yeah. I think that’s gonna be for the best, babe.”

Tokiya gets quiet, but Ranmaru’s hand doesn’t still on his back and it eventually puts Tokiya back under. 

Tokiya isn’t woken up until 7:05, and it’s by Ren, rubbing Tokiya’s arm. Ranmaru had made him get under the blanket, but Tokiya shivers, cold with no one else in the bed. 

“I’m sorry, baby, but you and Ran have to head out.” Ren leans down to kiss Tokiya’s temple. “Masa and I are going to see you both to the car.”

Tokiya winces when he sits up. “I’m getting old. This is ridiculous.”

“You’re overworked and your body can’t handle it.” Ren sighs, though he keeps a hand on Tokiya’s arm, to help steady him. “If I worked fourteen hours a day for an entire week, I think I’d be having trouble, too, baby. Any of us would. You’re still in a very good shape- but Ran is fifty, darling. You’re only a few years away. The trainer is treating all of us like we’re in our twenties and after living _years_ of difficult idol work- we just can’t do that anymore. So to push yourself through that _and more_-”

“There’s a reason this was nothin’ but a short reprise tour, Toki.” Ranmaru grunts from his place leaning near the door. “It’s because the _company_ knew that none ‘a ya _should_ be out there, livin’ the full idol life. I know that it hurt ya, the first time you left. But it’s health reasons. Entertain me. This trainer dude, how old’s he?”

“I doubt he’s over thirty. Twenty-five, maybe.” Masato guesses. 

Ranmaru glances to Masato when he speaks, but then back to Tokiya. “So you were probably an active idol before this kid was even _alive_ Tokiya. ‘N it’s not just you. I’ve got days that I can’t run. I’ve seen Ren on days where he goes on drives ‘n he’s limpin’ back in. ‘R days when Masa can’t even hold his needle. It’s rough sometimes, Toki. It sucks. It really sucks. But you feel like shit right now, ‘n that’s your body tellin’ you that this is too much. You comin’ home with me is you listenin’ to yourself, ‘n that’s good. Because we might be fallin’ apart already, but we’ve still got years ‘n years ahead ‘a us. We’ve just gotta be careful so we _get_ that.” 

Tokiya is quiet for a long moment after Ranmaru’s speech, but then he finally nods. “...As long as you, Ren and Masa, follow it, too.” He relents quietly. “If he’s pushing you too far…”

“Trust me.” Masato’s voice is dangerous. “After finding out the way he pushed you- I’d like to see him try.”

The look Tokiya gives Masato is not the first time he’s given him this look, but it’s very rare that Masato gets it- because it’s almost a bit adoring. Tokiya loves Masato’s “mama bear” side. Ranmaru was the angriest and the most openly protective in the relationship- and Tokiya was the calmest. He was more likely to get upset or overwhelmed before he became angry- with some exceptions, most of them being someone mistreating his partners. 

That was the main exception for Masato and Ren, too. Tokiya would consider their anger equal- it wasn’t an easy feat to make them angry, but it could be terrifying, Right now- Masato _was_ scary. But knowing that it was primarily over Tokiya made it less scary to _Tokiya_. It was nice to be cared for- even if it had to be through anger. 

At least it wasn’t anger directed at him. 

Tokiya had made all of them angry at him at one point or the other- it was nice, to be in a bad position but one that wasn’t his own making. 

Ren finally sighs, kissing Tokiya’s temple and wrapping him in a hug, careful not to make it too tight. “Unfortunately, I believe that you two need to leave. Unless you want to arrive back at midnight.”

“Not exactly my plan.” Ranmaru mutters, pushing himself off of the wall. Masato cuts him off first, to press a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead, before turning around to get one on Ranmaru’s cheek. 

“Stay safe.” It’s a demand. 

“We will, babe.” Ranmaru promises, catching Masato’s upper arm to give him a gentle squeeze. “I’ll take good care ‘a ‘im, too.”

“I trust that you will.” Ren does manage a smile to give Ranmaru. With one last gentle squeeze he lets Tokiya go, to wish Ranmaru off. Ren’s voice _does_ take on a teasing tone when he speaks next. “You’re scared you’ll have to go through me if you don’t, after all.”

Ranmaru snorts. “Sure. That’s why.” 

Ren’s grin comes a bit easier, and he leans it, to catch Ranmaru in a quick kiss. When Ren pulls away, Ranmaru makes his way to Tokiya. 

“Alright. I hate ‘t say it, but we should get outta ‘ere.”

Tokiya’s eyes search the room, but Ranmaru interrupts him. 

“I already put your bag in the car.”

“I brought food for you.” Tokiya’s eyebrows pull in. “I forgot to tell you.”

Ranmaru makes an amused noise. “I already ate it, babe. Figured it was mine. ‘N if it wasn’t, I’d just buy you lunch later.”

“Good. I’m glad to hear it didn’t go to waste.”

Tokiya finally stands, though Ranmaru helps to steady him. His body is heavy and sore from overwork and oversleeping, but he still felt tired. 

Beyond the last, actual goodbye- Tokiya remains silent until they get to the car, and then his tone turns apologetic. “I would like to offer to drive, but I don’t think I can.”

“Don’t worry about it. I got in a nap earlier, too- I’ll be fine ‘t drive. ‘Sides. Three hours sucks, but we’ll still be home no later than eleven. That’s not that bad.”

Tokiya’s expression doesn’t change, but Ranmaru doesn’t move until Tokiya finally talks after nearly half a minute of silence. “Thank you. ...For coming.” 

“This is hard on you.” Ranmaru sighs. “I can tell that you’re takin’ it real hard, anyways. ...You scared me a ‘lil, babe- tellin’ me you were done. I could tell that y’had it, ‘n it takes you a lot ‘t reach that point. If you’re there, then I think you made the right choice. God fuckin’ forbid somethin’ serious happen. You can rest up ‘n stop bein’ sore- but if you fucked somethin’ up worse it might not be that easy. You’re alright now. That’s enough.”

“It… didn’t used to be. I could have broken my leg, twenty years ago, and I’d still have given my all in performance. ...I… guess my priorities changed. Now that I really have you, and Ren and Masa. I considered continuing. I just… felt overwhelmed and I didn’t want to lie to you. Or to them.”

“That’s _good_, Toki.” Ranmaru’s voice is firm. “It’s what you should do. Y’did good.” Ranmaru cups Tokiya’s face, presses a kiss to Tokiya’s forehead, and then opens the passenger door for Tokiya. “But we probably should go now.” 

Tokiya nods, climbing in the car. He falls asleep, only about twenty minutes in. 

The first week is nice. It’s mostly Ranmaru doting on Tokiya while he rests up, and Tokiya, for once, just lets him. 

_“I like being married to Ren.” Tokiya and Ranmaru are sitting on the couch. Ranmaru is reading a magazine and Tokiya is reading a book, Tokiya’s legs in Ranmaru’s lap. “And I know for certain that you and Masa enjoy your marriage. But I’m realizing now that I can’t remember the last time you and I spent time alone together. I can’t remember the last time that Masa and I have, either.”_

_Ranmaru pauses, trying to think himself, though his eyes don’t lift from his magazines. “Dunno that I’ve really spent much time with Ren alone, either. We’ll figure out how ‘t better balance it. Make sure that we’re gettin’ alone time between us, too. ‘S hard, tryin’ ‘t get out for dates when we’re openly married, but we can still figure out some things ‘t do.”_

_Tokiya nods. “We’ll figure something out. I’m sure that Ren and Masa would appreciate it, too.”_

It’s after the week ends that Tokiya does check social media- but only to check up on how the shows are going. Today was the first one. Though he’s distracted by a tweet, sent out by the trainer, only a day ago. 

_“The stage isn’t for everyone. Due to complications involving age and limited mobility, Tokiya Ichinose will no longer be joining us on STARISH’s reunion tour- but be sure to catch the others, coming to stage next week! Some tickets are still available!”_

Ranmaru is out grocery shopping. Tokiya had chosen not to go with him. He was feeling better, but he just didn’t feel like walking around right now, and they needed less food, considering that they had two less people right now. 

The message had left a terrible feeling in his chest, and he’s… _angry_. He’s livid. It shows as upset but he knows it to be anger. 

It only gets worse when he chooses to look at the comments- and while there are many wishing Tokiya the best and mourning over what most of them assume is an injury, there are others that hurt him. 

There are comments that blame him for ruining the tour for them. Both putting down the other boys and him. Calling him ungrateful- accusing him of faking it. Telling him to come clean and admit that he was just done with it. Asking him if he were having trouble with Ren, too. 

Talking about how hard it must be, missing part of the band. About how maybe the band shouldn’t even be performing. About how Tokiya screwed the other boys over. 

That Tokiya was ruining the tour. 

Tokiya’s phone slips out of his hand, and he _hears_ it crack- and that sends Tokiya over the edge. He makes a noise that sounds almost pained, and his hands shake at his sides in pure frustration. Ranmaru had come home a moment ago, but had heard Tokiya’s noise. He walks into the room in time to see Tokiya’s hands find his hair and pull. 

It’s a habit that Tokiya often fell into when he was stressed, but he had gotten out of it, after leaving his job and losing the stress that came with it. That- and none of his partners were fond of his habit. Ren was always the best at stopping him, but when Ranmaru approaches him, he uses the same tactic that Ren used to use. He’s careful to get Tokiya’s hands to release, starting by wrapping his own hands around Tokiya’s wrists, his thumbs massaging the inside of Tokiya’s wrists but also keeping his hands still until his grip relaxes. Ranmaru lowers Tokiya’s hands and then raises his own, to interlace his fingers with Tokiya’s, keeping both of Tokiya’s hands away from his hair. 

“What’s goin’ on? What happened?”

Tokiya squeezes Ranmaru’s hands tightly as his anger flashes through him again, his eyes burning with frustrated tears. 

“The trainer sent a message on my behalf to tell everyone that I’m no longer in the performance because of ‘age’ and ‘lack of mobility’, and it’s lost all of the others a lot of support. So many… _’fans’_ are telling me that I’m ruining the show by not being there. They’re questioning Ren and I’s relationship and it’s… does a _trainer_ even have the _right_ to do that?”

“‘S far as I’m concerned- no.” Ranmaru scowls. “Yer right ‘t be angry- but this isn’t the way ‘t deal with it. I’m gonna reach out ‘t Ren. See if there’s anythin’ they can do about that.”

“I don’t know what they could do.” Tokiya mumbles. “But I guess that it couldn’t hurt.”

It’s as early as that night that Tokiya notices quite a few notifications on his phone. He had been worse with checking social media already- after all, what else could he see at this point?

But Tokiya is surprised to see that the accounts mentioning his belonged to many of the others in his band- and Reiji, as well. 

Reiji made a comment, joking about picking on an old man, with a more serious comment about how being healthy should be _everyone’s_ priority. 

Every boy in STARISH (Cecil included) had said _something_ about the situation. Syo had basically expressed that the trainer didn’t know the facts. Natsuki had mentioned that it was sad that Tokiya couldn’t join them but that he was busy taking care of himself and that was more important. Otoya had mentioned that Tokiya’s health was far more important. Cecil just wished the best for Tokiya- and Masato had made a post about how motivated and passionate Tokiya has been in the entirety of his STARISH career. He explains that if Tokiya were capable, he’d be there- and that he hoped that the fans would understand and could support and wish the best for Tokiya. 

Ren’s was the longest. 

Ren had publicly made it clear that STARISH would not be continuing their tour unless the trainer stepped back from this project. Ren apologizes to the fans that have been thoroughly supportive but that the band as a whole had decided that this was the best next step for them. He explains that Tokiya _will_ be okay, and that all of the boys (Tokiya included) would appreciate support during this time, and that Ren hopes to see them all soon- the concert will resume when the trainer is gone from the project. 

It took two days- because the time limit to reschedule shows wasn’t plentiful and the company would lose more money refunding tickets than they would firing the trainer. 

Tokiya was only able to see some clips from the show- but he thought it still went very well, even without himself and Cecil there. 

During the last week, the boys had arranged something to get a video from Cecil and Tokiya both, to have something from them to give to the fans, and it seemed to go well. 

Tokiya was selfishly glad when the two months were over. It certainly wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy having Ranmaru to himself- but when the shows had actively started, Ren and Masato had far less time to speak to them. 

Although that fact did make Tokiya feel better about staying back with Ranmaru- Ranmaru may not be the most social of their group, but it didn’t mean that he wouldn’t have been lonely, staying by himself. Even if he never would have admitted it.

Tokiya knew, anyways. Ranmaru held him too closely every night- always careful to lie in the middle of the bed to try to take up as much room as he could. Tokiya was feeling the two missing men in their very large bed, too. 

Tokiya holds back all of his thoughts at first- to greet Ren and Masato. He does move to Ren first, who wraps Tokiya up in a bear hug, peppering kisses all over Tokiya’s face until Tokiya has to laugh and he tries to half-heartedly push Ren off of him, which only makes Ren more determined to kiss everywhere he can on Tokiya’s face. 

Tokiya manages to catch Masato and Ranmaru- their reunion had been much calmer than Ren and Tokiya’s, though they’re clearly having fun watching Ren attack Tokiya, Ranmaru just holding Masato to his side with an arm around his waist. 

“Wait, wait.” Tokiya’s still laughing, but with one last kiss to the tip of Tokiya’s nose, he actually does pull back- or at least pulls back his face. His hands stay on Tokiya’s hips. 

Tokiya breathes out, though he knows his face is still red- and he _is_ happy. He’s glad to see them. 

“I have to make it serious now- and then you can have all of the kisses you want, Ren.” Tokiya pauses, to give Ren a long look for a few seconds. “Within reason.” He corrects, and then he sighs. “Thank you. I don’t know that boycotting was the right answer- because that could have gone very wrong… but I appreciate you _both_, and all of the boys, for coming to my defense.”

“It was absolutely the right choice.” Masato affirms. 

“It was.” Ren agrees. “He had it coming to him- treating you like that and then disrespecting you. I was livid, to hear him dismiss you like that. And he had no right to be the one to break that news as it was- we had already explained it, as well as Cecil, that day on stage- to let them know that you were fine but were recovering. We had it handled. I’m only sorry that you were the first to see it. We should have done something sooner.”

“But it’s over.” Ranmaru reminds. “You guys did good.”

"Thank you, Ran." Ren's smile returns, growing, as he pulls Tokiya closer to him by the hips. "But now... about those _kisses_ I was promised-" 

Tokiya rolls his eyes, but when Ren leans in, Tokiya's already halfway there.


	68. Chapter Sixty-Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is a short renmasa drabble
> 
> WARNINGS - emotional breakdown, no sex but it is of a sexual nature

“You don’t want this.” Ren’s voice is scolding. 

Ren is on top of Masato, and Masato is shirtless beneath him. That was as far as Ren needed to go before he could see just how uncomfortable Masato really was. Ren actually looks angry. 

And, despite his efforts not to- Masato bursts into tears below Ren. Ren’s entire expression falls, and he gets off of Masato to lay on his side next to him, pulling Masato into a tight embrace. 

“Hey, baby, ssh. You’re okay. It’s okay.” Ren coos, petting gently through Masato’s ruffled hair. Masato breaks down fully, only starting to cry harder. “Let it out, honey. You’re going to be alright.”

Masato is curled up into Ren in a small, vulnerable position. Ren had seen Masato cry before, but never quite like this. He’s never seen Masato _lose it_ the way Masato had today. Ren feels helpless. The only thing that he can do is hold Masato and whisper reassurances into Masato’s ear. 

“You’re going to be okay. I’m not going to let go of you. It will be alright.”

“I was trying not to disappoint you.” Masato’s voice breaks. “But I’m so obvious. You saw right through me. I’m sorry.”

“I don’t understand, Masa. Why on Earth do you think that I’d be disappointed?”

“I’m not like you.” Masato’s voice breaks. 

“Talk to me, baby. I don’t understand what that means.”

“I don’t have your sex drive.” Masato’s voice is so soft, hiding his face in Ren’s chest. “But I was trying. I didn’t think you’d see through it.”

“Jesus, Masa, this isn’t the way.” 

Masato had tried to sleep with Ren. Ren had made a move on him, and Masato had responded eagerly. _Too_ eagerly- Ren had been able to see how little Masato actually wanted it, both in his eyes and in the lack of response from his body, too. 

Ren continues. “Feelings are so much more important in our relationship. We can have a relationship without sex. Our sex drives aren’t the same and that’s fine. I’m _not_ going to be upset if you’re not in the mood. I’m not going to be upset if you’re never in the mood. But I _am_ going to be upset if you’re forcing yourself to sleep with me. You may be _telling_ me yes- but if your head is saying no, then I’d just be taking advantage of you.”

“No! No, no. It’s not like that. Don’t look at it like that, Ren.” Masato hiccups in his panic but Ren won’t let Masato squirm out of his grasp. 

“Ssh, ssh. It’s okay. It’s alright.” Ren’s voice is back to a reassuring coo. “Settle down. It’s fine- and it’s fine because nothing happened. Because we didn’t go any further.” Ren presses a kiss to the top of Masato’s head. “Look at me.”

Masato does, but there’s a heavy level of fear that he can’t quite hide. Ren peppers kisses to Masato’s face, ignoring the mess that he’s made of himself. 

“Tell me why you though you had to sleep with me.” Ren frowns, but he still stays near Masato- already going back to press his lips to Masato’s forehead again. 

Masato hiccups. His voice is extremely vulnerable. “I don’t want you to leave me. Because I can’t give you what you want.”

That stills Ren into a complete silence for a long seconds, and when he pulls Masato back into himself, his leg wraps around the younger man as well as Ren tries to fully anchor himself to Masato. “That’s not going to happen, Masato. I’m not going to leave you. And especially not because you don’t want to sleep with me. Where did you get that idea from?”

Masato gets quiet. He’s sniffling, but he’s not calming down- he’s actually just trying to hold back the second wave of upset. Ren’s hands runs over Masato’s bare back. 

“You can tell me, Masa. You can tell me anything. I just want to know what happened so I can know what to say.”

“...I’ve only loved once person that wasn’t you.” Ren has to strain to hear Masato. “I wasn’t sexual enough for her. She told me that I was too much of ‘prude’ and that she couldn’t be happy with me because of that. I don’t want to lose you for the same reason.”

“You’re conservative.” Ren admits. “But that’s you. It’s a part of you that makes me love you. I love every bit of you for who you are- and I don’t know that ‘prude’ is a word that I’d use to describe you. But if you are uncomfortable with sex, or if it’s only because you don’t have a high libido- it’s perfectly fine. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, or to feel guilty over. And I’m sorry that she shamed you for that- it doesn’t sound like she deserved all of the love I know you must have given her. But I know you, Masa- you have… very deep emotions. And you give yourself to me in that way completely, and that’s enough for me. If you _want_ to be intimate with me in the future, of course I’d love that. But I’m not with you for the _sex_, baby. I’m with you because I love you and I want you in my life for a very, very long time. You’ll never disappoint me, either. But I don’t want you forcing yourself to do anything for me. You’re wonderful.” Ren’s eyebrows draw in. He curls in around Masato. “And it breaks my heart, seeing you like this. But you never need to worry about me leaving you. I’m never going to leave you. Not even if you beg.” Ren’s teasing tone doesn’t quite hit right, but it’s still there. “I love you. You’re perfect as you are, too. I don’t want you to change. I just want _you_. Exactly as you are.”

Masato spends some time that night crying, and Ren just holds him, with the occasional praise mumbled in Masato’s ear until Masato tires himself out. 

Masato wakes up, still curled in on himself. 

“How are you feeling?” Ren has clearly been awake for longer than Masato has, and he only now lets go of Masato so that Ren can grab some tissues to wipe off Masato’s face. One look at Ren’s shirt embarrasses Masato because there are spots that are dried but noticeable against the light red fabric of Ren’s v-neck. 

“I’m sorry.” Masato’s voice is hoarse. “I lost control of myself.” 

Ren does his best to wipe at the dried tears (and likely snot) on Masato’s face with the tissue.”You don’t need to apologize. I’d rather be here to take care of you than to have you break down alone. This has clearly been building up for some time- and I meant everything I said last night. _Especially_ when I said that I love you. And that you never need to feel obligated to do anything with me, or for me, or because of me. And of course I’m not happy that you were as upset as you were last night, but I want to thank you, for being that vulnerable with me. If you trust me enough with that, Masa, I hope that you trust me when I say that you’re stuck with me. I’m never leaving you.”

“No matter how hard I try.” Masato’s joke is weak, and he lets his eyes close as Ren discards of the tissue. 

“No matter how hard you try.” Ren agrees, accentuating the thought with a kiss to Masato’s forehead. 

Masato manages a weak, flickering smile. “I suppose that’s just something I’ll have to live with then.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you have any prompts you'd like me to write feel free to comment :)


End file.
